#grad school adventures

[maceofpentacles]

i managed to get through the presentation portion of the graduate teaching assistant instructor institute!!

the professor who was evaluating us said that we all passed so ahhhhhh!! it’s official! i am a teaching assistant!!

#personal stuff #grad school adventures

[queen-paladin]

It took four months after the materials were submitted and six months after my audition, but I finally heard from that last Grad School, and...it was a no.

But on the other hand, the school didn't seem like the best one out there. I know better schools exist and I'm learning more advanced arias and songs now that my voice is getting bigger (like, I'm tackling Gilda and Norina's arias!) and I know the right school is out there for me. It sucks, but at least I don't have to settle. I should be sad...yet I'm not. It took so long, but I've made peace with the rejection and I feel free. I can look at better universities and more of them and learn these bigger, more complicated pieces and reapply and audition with "guns blazing!"

So yeah...I'm not as sad as I have been, and I feel like something better will pop up!

#carrie speaks #personal #grad schools #grad school #grad school adventures

[acollectionofhalftruths]

I’ve been here for 48 hours, you can’t just say a name like Llewellyn C. Puppybreath III and keep going

#am I being hazed in these discussion boards is that what this is #grad school adventures

[dandelionpie]

One of the worst things about being raised to communicate passively is just like…the constant terror that I will be overheard saying something that will be misinterpreted as an insult because i didn’t make my meaning explicit enough (something arguably in my control) or because someone misheard me (something I have absolutely no control over). And it like…flares up every time I’m around new people because even if I have made the conscious decision to communicate more directly, I have no way of knowing how they were raised to communicate and what if I just offended them and I find out they hate me like a year later. Like I have mostly gotten over the need to try to guess what other people are trying to say to me with Not Words (believe me, I’m much better than I was) but I am so fucking paranoid about accidentally saying something that gets taken amiss and cements me in someone else’s mind as That Rude Bitch Who Hates Everyone for No Reason

#this post brought to you by the artist retreat i’m on #with lots of people from all over the country and elsewhere #grad school adventures

[ciceroniantrash]

self aware Cicero saturday

#de natura deorum #cicero #tagamemnon #grad school adventures

[sunnyuto]

the fun thing about adhd is that i have to do my readings out loud or i won’t comprehend a single god damn thing, which means it’s just me sitting here reading my comparative politics book to my cat. gracie should get an honorary master’s at the end of this.

#irl #grad school adventures

[anneofbluetardis]

Am I about to weave a song from the paper kites throughout my final paper in Systematic Theology?

Yes.

#grad school adventures

[eohwyyn]

omg graduation gowns for master’s degrees are so weird though. Mine got delivered this week and the sleeves look like this. It feels like i’m halfway through transforming into a bat lol

#i googled it and found that picture so i guess that’s how they’re supposed to be?? #luckily it looks less weird if you keep your arms down 😂 #grad school adventures #mitali talks

[jmlascar]

a story of overcoming imposter syndrome

(Or rather, taming it. This shit never fully goes away.)

In 2019-2021, I was doing a Master of Science far away from home. And any time I attended a meeting with my supervisor (a very kind man who loved to chit-chat), I was terrified. 

Basically, I had an imposter syndrome the size of a house. It ate me alive.

My anxiety had gotten so bad I lived with a permanent stomach ache, and those meetings were the bane of my existence. He never criticised me, but I imagined he thought me his worst student ever, and was in deep regret over hiring me.  I was my own harshest critic. In my eyes, the work I was doing was mediocre. Worse, I didn’t even know how to approach becoming better. I felt stupid, and genuinely considered leaving STEM altogether. 

I did try to leave STEM, gave it a good go, actually, had a few existential crises and brand new life-plans, but the universe must have wanted me to stay on this track cause there was always *something* in the way. Brexit, a missed deadline, a paperwork problem. I got accepted to two different non-STEM programs before something outside of my control said “nope”, which at the time felt crushing. It was horribly frustrating. Many tears were shed.

In all that frustration I figured, you know what, let’s give STEM one last chance. Let me take that imposter syndrome seriously, and say: Alright. I’m not good enough. So let me become good enough. And if I give it my best shot and I’m still unhappy, fuck it, I’ll leave. I’ll become an artist or a philosopher, and I’ll never look at a goddamn ssh terminal again. 

So, in good Jules fashion, I applied to a program I was unqualified for. That one is not imposter syndrome speaking; it was a maths grad program in statistics, and I hadn’t done a proper stats course since highschool. But that lack was a big part of why I’d felt so out of my depth in my Astrophysics MSc, that, and my shoddy programming skills, which the new program also offered. So, I applied.

During the interview, I managed to sound extremely enthusiastic and confident in my abilities to pick it up as we went (that’s one thing imposter syndrome teaches you! you become an expert at bullshitting), and so, though the jury told me I’d have to work hard, they took me on. 

It was hard. It was really hard, I’ve barely made any art this past year because of all the work, but I pushed on. Gradually, in fits and starts, I wasn’t feeling like such a fraud anymore. I didn’t care about grades beyond passing: only about learning, about what I could use the knowledge for, and that made all the difference for my self-esteem. 

In the end, what was supposed to be a means to an end, a last-ditch attempt at becoming an astrophysicists, became a new passion. Cause it turns out that actually, I fucking love maths? (Specifically, maths for image processing.)  So I took an internship in that, and I loved it. 

I’ve known I wanted to do a PhD since I knew what a PhD was, but for the first time, I could picture myself doing it. Having the confidence to explore new avenues. Having the skill to implement them. 

Getting funding for that PhD was like my anxiety’s last hurrah, but even then, facing an unkind jury with my whole future in their hands, it never got as bad as the years before, because I knew I had it in me, that I’d done everything I could, and if they refused anyway, it wouldn’t be my fault. Isn’t that a thought?

And I got it! A PhD in maths applied to astro imagery. This has been my first week. It still doesn’t feel quite real. 

To finish, a couple weeks ago I had to present my internship report for that stats program, essentially the last judging to get the diploma. And well, while I thought I’d become confident, it became clear that my perception of my work was still entirely too harsh — they told me I’d done “so much work” and gave me an excellent grade, while I’d felt i hadn’t done enough and was worried they’d say as much. 

So, I guess I’ll always be hard on myself. No avoiding that, I’m built that way now. A lot of us are, especially in STEM, especially women. But if we can channel that feeling into something positive, into motivation to work and improve instead of flagellating ourselves for being a flawed human being? I reckon we’ll be okay. 

#not pictured: a year of therapy in the middle of all that lol #idk if anyone will read this congrats if you did?? I just wanted to put that out there #some days I like treating tumblr like an actual blogging platform #but yeah... it's been a crazy time and I'm so proud of myself for pushing through #grad school adventures #stem major #astrophysics #women in stem

[capetowncapers]

That fun little moment when you’re considering talking about another source and maaaaybe even using a block quote because you’re running out of steam and want to hit your page count

#like zoinks scoob #the other day one of my classmates was like ‘why… does our professor want a ten page research paper for a seven week class’ #and ok you know what ? maybe she had a point tbh #but thats higher ed for ya and im getting there soooo #i think maybe I wouldn’t be having such a hard time if I was like. on meds and/or not living with my parents rn #but the point here is hmmm possibly block quote time #cape town rambles #grad school adventures

[shesnotquitedead]

Bacteria are just so- *clenches fist* NEAT

#phd chat #grad school adventures #microbiology

[maceofpentacles]

just turned in my last final assignment!! i’m officially done with my first semester of grad school!!

#personal stuff #grad school adventures

[preserved-lemons]

gotta download or save every article behind a paywall to my zotero before i lose my institutional access 😭

#grad school adventures

[w0nderland]

i am exhausted running on an iced matcha and a dream i need to teach a discussion section then go to a seminar then work on homework

#grad school adventures #i had such a hard time falling asleep yesterday :(

[dandelionpie]

grad school is bad

#grad school adventures #except they're like #really boring adventures where everyone is mad at you for not doing things #and you're just kind of exhausted

[themissfitwiththebangsblog]

So, after surviving (almost) the shock of the Publishing Practicum class, another rock to climb stands on the horizon: the first short story. Paper due date: September the 20th. So, what has your unknown heroine resolved to do?? Taking advantage of the hurricane lockdown, I've buried myself in the house, fed on tortillas and Modelo beer, while binging on Joyce Carol Oates collection. And now I'm undecided if headbutting the wall, letting tears down again, starting a crack cocaine addiction, or rolling on the floor to death. Stay tuned for the follow-up of my grad school nightmare.

#grad school adventures #anxienty #writer block