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its-just-a-fayz · 4 years

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Heartbeat On Air:Chapter 10

read on ao3

chapter 9/chapter 11

bet you thought i wasn’t gonna update, huh? well, i am. i’m very sorry that this is late, but she’s here! idk what posting is gonna look like going forward tho. also the whole first draft is written, so i will just be editing and publishing this story! which will hopefully be less stressful and lead to more updates.

tag list: @emilybarger @lordcheesy @sheeswee @tayuya3 @sweetlialia @thesickeststupidestcreep send me a message/ask/carrier pigeon if you wanna get added.

masterpost

and finally, the chapter:

Sometimes, you just have to rip off the band-aid of confrontation. It’s a very painful band-aid, however, so Sam was reluctant to confront Diana and Astrid.

Lucky for him, he had a boyfriend who could be persuaded to join him for a double date. It wouldn’t be for a few more weeks though, since Astrid and Diana still needed to get to know each other more before Caine could even realize that they were a couple. For all his sadistic genius, he was the most oblivious straight boy Sam knew.

Sam still wondered if Caine would realize Diana was dating Astrid if they made out in front of him. Then he realized that yes, Caine would. And he’d probably get some popcorn to eat while he watched. Sometimes, Sam wondered if there had been a way for Caine to turn out more messed up.

Meanwhile, Sam got to field Astrid’s enthusiastic texts about her date tomorrow. She was adorably excited, to the point where he actually teased her about it. Astrid’s contact now had a dog emoji on the end of it.

So you seem a normal amount of excited about the date

I can’t wait!! To see diana!! And hold her hand!! And eat shitty food!

She took me on this date to a nice place with good food

But mine’s gayyyyyy

It’s got good service don’t knock Lana she’s cool

Omg shoud I kiss her

I wanna kiss her

But are we There Yet or not

The number one rule of dating is that it’s all made up and the points don’t matter

Real helpful. Is that how you got that boyfriend of yours?

Hey it’s one more boyfriend than you have

Yeah but I have a gf which is 67484392058 times better

Speak for yourself. I’m too gay for a gf

I’ve liked one girl in my whole life

That was It.

Who?????? I can’t believe the same temple I know has liked a girl

Eighth grade. Like most things about eighth grade I’ve left that crush behind

I still follow her on insta

Shes still cute and I would date her

My sexuality is a mess™

Yeah but quinn probably thinks it’s a hot mess

😉😉

You’re right he calls me a hot mess a Lot

Something about my messy room

If you’re having ur bf over you better clean your room.

I keep it clean now!

It was before we were dating

Oooh do I get the origin story now

No.

Perish.

It’s too embarrassing to tell.

When I have an embarrassing story about me n diana will u tell me?

Maybe. Hard maybe.

Hard as u

When

I’m gonna stop you right there

Do not even or I will block ur ass

Fine. I have to pack for college anyways.

I’ll leave you behind to NOT TELL ME ANYTHING

Texting Astrid was another world, far away from Caine and blackmail and trials and mothers. Sam would be lying if he said he didn’t spend more time than he should texting her.

Caine still hadn’t replied. Sam was tempted to send another text, but that one would probably be ignored too. He probably didn’t care how Connie felt about him leaving at all.

He remembered that he actually needed to text Astrid about something, that being the double date idea for telling her and Diana about Caine’s plan.

Oh hey speaking of me and Quinn do you ever want to double date sometime

Like when you and diana are ready

Ya sure

Like not for a while tho

You’ll let me know right

Uh huh. Now leave me alone lemme pack

Now that was out of the way, so Sam could go back to making sure Connie was paying the bills, and not letting everything go to shit before the trial. He had a long to-do list for today, and it was probably best to get on it.

***

Astrid woke to soft sun coming in through the window and a light headache. Ugh. She’d stayed up late last night packing everything she owned into boxes and picking out an outfit. It had taken her forever, even with Sam over the phone telling her that she looked good in everything. Astrid had just been so nervous about the date today, and Diana.

Thinking about Diana energized Astrid enough to get out of bed and get started with her day. Which was pretty boring, just more packing, working out her schedule, and talking with her parents about the future. August was upon her, and that meant college was right around the corner.

Yet even as she made all these decisions about her future, Astrid couldn’t help but think about how her future life would be like with Diana as her girlfriend. Would they talk over the phone while Astrid sat on the comforter she ordered? Would they talk about the classes she signed up for? Maybe Diana would visit her dormitory, and help her move in.

By the time the evening came around, she could barely wait to see Diana. The second she could somewhat justify her actions, Astrid threw on her outfit, and made the short drive over to the restaurant.

She checked her watch. A half-hour early, a result of her stress over not being late and her excitement. Astrid stayed in her car, listening to the music on the radio. Not Diana’s station, but another one that she’d been listening to more lately. About ten minutes before the time they’d set, she got out and waited next to the restaurant, the yellow neon sign over her head.

It didn’t take long before Diana showed up. She got out of her car and walked over to Astrid, enveloping her in a hug before she could say anything. Astrid inhaled the scent of Diana this close to her, and wished the embrace would never end.

But then, when they broke apart Diana took her left hand in her right, and all was forgiven. They walked into the restaurant together, hands swinging between them.

The girl behind the counter got their attention as they went in. “Hi, I’m Lana. Welcome to the Healing Place, where would you guys like to sit?”

Diana looked at Astrid. “Um, a booth would be nice.”

“Alright, I can get that for you,” Lana said, grabbing two menus from under the table. She led Astrid and Diana to their table. “I’ll get you guys started off with some fries right away.”

Astrid sat down across from Diana and opened the menu in front of her. “So. I know it’s not as fancy and modern as your burger place, but…”Astrid trailed off, not sure what to say. After daydreaming about how this would go all day, she was suddenly at a loss for words. Lana rushed by again, setting a plastic basket full of fries on the table.

“It’s-it’s fine,” Diana said, taking the ketchup and squirting some next to the fries. “The people here seem really nice, and we didn’t get any weird looks walking in, which is a step above my burger place. It’s a good place to talk. As a couple.”

“Did you have something in mind?” Astrid asked, quirking an eyebrow. Her mind had jumped to R-rated places, and she was half-hoping those assumptions were wrong. She took a couple fries from the basket.

“Just wanted to talk about what being together is going to mean,” Diana said, “for the future, for the present, whatever.” She paused, looking Astrid in the eye. “I want this to go right, so communication is important.”

“Yeah,” Astrid said, a smile forming on her face. “I want this to go right too. We should talk about it.”

“Ok,” Diana replied, taking out her phone, “I actually made a list of things, if that’s not weird or anything, of stuff to go over.”

“Oh no, that’s not weird at all,” Astrid said, laughing. “I made a list of conversation points when I came out to my parents, so if you’re weird, I’m weird.”

“Wait, really? I almost did that,” Diana said, “I had a like, mental list, but I didn’t want to write it down.” She paused, looking down at the screen. “Ok, so how often do you want to get together? Like for dates and stuff. I don’t want to completely U-HAUL it, but I also want to see your face at least twice a week.”

Astrid nodded. “Yeah, that works. And maybe do FaceTime calls whenever we can’t do a date. Or we could do those on days we don’t have dates. But that might be a little too much.”

“Hmm…” Diana pondered it. “Maybe two or three days a week? Not everyday, no, but still do it some? We tend to talk for hours, so I don’t want to do that too much.”

“That works,” Astrid said, “And of course, we can change it based on what happens in our lives. What’s the next thing?”

“Fast or slow?” Diana asked, looking Astrid in the eyes. Astrid momentarily forgot how to form words. Actually, it was a bit longer than a moment.

“Slow, I think. This is my first big relationship, and I want to really get to know you before things get serious,” Astrid said, casting her gaze to the table, cheeks red.

“And here are your fries, ladies,” A server—who was not Lana—put a basket of fries down on the table. “New couple?”

Diana looked at the server. She had dark skin, black curly hair pulled into a ponytail, and a laid-back, yet intelligent air about her. “Uh, yeah.”

“Nice to meet you both, I’m Dekka, Lana’s girlfriend,” Dekka said, “You guys ready to order?”

“Not quite yet,” Astrid said, “We’ve kind of just been...talking.”

“Oh, I remember that part of a new relationship,” Dekka said, “Trying to get to know each other as much as you can, still working out your feelings.”

Astrid and Diana looked at each other. “Uh yeah,” Diana said.

“Well, you look like you get along pretty well. Hopefully, you’ll come back sometime,” Dekka said, winking. “I’ll get your orders in a minute.” She left.

“That was, uh, awkward,” Astrid said, “I swear she just winked at us. So, are you ok with going slow?”

“Yeah,” Diana said, “I don’t mind. It should be better than previous relationships-guys never wanted to take it slow with me.” Caine. Caine never wanted to take it slow. It was all she could do to not say his name. She didn’t want his presence to taint this. She wanted this to be different.

While Astrid really wanted to take this moment to ask Diana about her previous relationships, to get to know her a little better, she was also very curious about what else Diana wanted to talk about. “Anything else important on that list of yours?”

“Not...really. Most of it was specific boundaries if we were going to take it fast. Although I do have to ask, can I come over to your house after dinner?” Diana asked, “And do you want to split an appetizer other than the fries?”

“Uh, yeah. You can come over. And how about we split some nachos,” Astrid said, very happy about both of these things. Diana at her house could only lead to good things. Also, they’d been eating fries all throughout the conversation, and there weren’t many left.

“Sounds like a plan. So, how’s packing for college going?” Diana asked, moving into a more easy topic of conversation.

Astrid told her about finding boxes that fit, choosing which books to bring and leave behind (a heartbreaking process), and her parents begging her to keep everything instead of donating some of it. They ordered, and kept talking about how weird parents could get while they waited for their food to come.

“My parents shipped me off to Coates because they didn’t want to deal with their own mistakes,” Diana said, gesturing with a chip. “Like, if you’re going to cheat on your wife, at least be subtle about it. I was what, five, when I figured it out.”

“Yikes,” Astrid said, “I’d hate to go to one of your family reunions. They got divorced after that, right?”

“Yeah, and shipped me off to Coates, where I tried to stay as far away from them as possible. Around sophomore year-ish, I kind of realized I didn’t want to be like them, so I started to be a good student, get good grades, all that. I got my job at the radio station, made some money so I could get away. They want me to move back in with them, now that I’m not going to college.” They always wondered what had happened to Caine. They loved him.

“Wow. You’ve still got your own apartment and everything though, right?” Astrid asked, “I still live with my parents.”

“Yeah, but you’re going off to college. So you’ll be fully independent,” Diana said, “My apartment is too small to qualify me as ‘living’ on my own. It’s more like surviving, with a side of telling your neighbors to stop having loud arguments next door.”

“There’s no way I’m going to be fully independent in college, no way. I’m going to get peer pressured into everything, knowing me,” Astrid said, giving Diana a look.

“Or you’ll spend too much time studying to actually take care of things,” Diana said, pointing an accusatory fry at Astrid. “Because that was me during finals senior year. I didn’t do laundry for two weeks.”

“Ew! That’s so gross,” Astrid said, leaning forward to snatch the fry out of Diana’s hand with her mouth. Through the fry, she asked, “How do you live like that?”

“Not very happily, let me tell you,” Diana said, laughing. “I had a monster load of laundry to do when summer started. Trust me, I paid for my mistakes.”

Astrid put a hand on Diana’s arm, then said, almost jokingly, “If you ever go two weeks without laundry again, promise me you will call me so that I can come over and do it for you. And maybe cook you a meal or two.”

“I promise,” Diana said, rolling her eyes, “It might be nice to have someone holding me accountable for how I live.”

“Don’t make me call the queer eye guys on you. Antoni would have a fit over the amount of takeout you post on instagram. And Karamo would make you confront Caine,” Astrid said, lifting up her phone like she was about to call them. “Don’t make me do it.”

Diana laughed, loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear her. “Ok, that makes me feel like I absolutely have to keep my life in order. Jonathan van Ness follows my twitter.”

“No way! No way,” Astrid said, her mouth falling open. “How...JVN follows you. Who am I even dating? A literal celebrity?”

“Well...not yet. Being big in the music industry can kind of make you a celebrity, but not in a terrible way. Like, it’s more like being a public figure than a celebrity. Jonathan followed me because I vagued Caine about his shitty hygiene,” Diana said, shrugging like it was no big deal.

“Still. Jonathan Van fucking Ness. That is an accomplishment, Diana,” Astrid said, slapping the table for emphasis.

Conversation never seemed to go in the direction it was supposed to when they were talking, but Astrid didn’t mind it a bit. This was much more fun than small talk. Their food came a little later, and they dug into it immediately, the anxiety that had been there their previous date absent.

“This is terrible food,” Diana said, putting down her burger.

“Yep,” Astrid said, “but we’re eating it.”

“Magical. Especially when Antoni would probably cuss me out on the spot for consuming this much processed food in one sitting,” Diana said, reaching for the fries that had come as a side. “The cholesterol is enough to give me heart problems.”

Astrid put her sandwich down. “Yeah. But I kind of really want to keep eating it.”

“This is gay witchcraft,” Diana said, a few minutes later when she’d finished her burger. “There is no way that should be appetizing.”

“Agreed,” Astrid said, digging into her side of applesauce. “I swear this thing is fried somehow because I can just taste it.”

It wasn’t long before they had both finished the meal, and were slouched in their seats, tired and reluctant to move. The check was paid, and it was about time for them to get out of there. Not many people were left in the restaurant. “We should go back to my house,” Astrid said.

“Yeah,” Diana replied. After a few more minutes of silence, they got up and headed for their cars. Astrid had already given Diana her address, so they both left for Astrid’s house at the same time.

#ladrison #gone #gone series #gone tv #diana ladris #astrid ellison #fan fic #lesbian #sam temple #quinn gaither #sinn #starredwrites #heartbeat on air #bisexual #wlw #fanfiction #gone fic #fan fiction

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resbang-bookclub · 6 years

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AMA Transcript: bouquet garni

Next up, @skadventuretime, @guacamoletrash and @jamesfalt (Souly on Discord) stopped by to chat about their Resbang, bouquet garni! Here’s some of what went down:

Q: Madi, how did you come up with everyone's characters, like Harvar being a gaming streamer and Tsu and Liz being farmers etc. etc. because I thought those were all really unique and interesting!

madi: Ahaha let's see, I started planning this back last... May? and talking with the beta crew, as one does. And naturally marsh [ @marshofsleep ] , enabler that she is, just put it out there.

madi: And I was just playing a bunch of overwatch at the time and thought he'd be a good gamer nerd, and also I had decided to make this Extra self-indulgent, so I was like “my city now”. I basically poured all of my friend feels into [Harvar] and Anya in particular. The past couple years have been rougher for me, but I've had some really spectacular friends, and I decided Maka and Soul needed them, too.

Q: The part with the sword and stuff, I just…

madi: OH THAT ahahahaha. Okay yeah that was end of Resbang crunch time and me being extra 'fuck it.'

madi: That was what the team thought about that.

Q: Artist-chans, what programs do you use and how does your arting process go? And how is guac so good at playlisting??

Souly: I use paint tool SAI :0 I might still have some of my progress pics, lemme look.

guac: Lol. I don't think I'm super good at it but I do enjoy music a lot and like to make playlists so maybe that's it!

Souly: Yeah here we go. Mid lining.

I did it a lil differently than I normally do. I normally line everything and then do flats but I was actually super behind bc of life stuff so I just started doing flats per character after their lines were done. This is a sample of what the layers look like:

madi: Man how do u keep track of ur layers? Or is it like, a sixth sense?

Souly: I go off of the little layer previews and hope the layer has what I'm looking for.

madi: LOL that sounds like me.

Souly: I also like... tend to set up layers for characters a specific way so I can normally find those?

guac: BRUH THAT'S SO MANY LAYERS.

Q: Did you have a favorite character to write? 8)

madi: I just love writing Star being balls to the walls ridiculous. The saxophone thing came about because I saw this video and was like oh my god it's Black Star in the flesh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMyqasy2Lco . But I also really liked writing Maka being sort of the one with issues, too.

Q: Which character in your fic did you most identify with? And was it purposeful or accidental?

madi: Iiiiiiii'd have to say I identified with [Maka] the most this fic, for once. Usually it's soul, but I ended up pouring a lot of myself into her, and it was both purposeful and accidental how it all worked out.

Q: I’m surprised, because there were a lot of things I noticed about Soul that I know are you-things!

madi: Yeah!!! I definitely can't help that with him, they both got a lot of me.

Q: I know you said this fic was super personal and self-indulgent so was it generally pretty easy to write because of that, or did you have trouble?

madi: Hmmmm yeah I definitely had some trouble. About 20k in, I sort of lost the emotional thread of it, and whined a lot to Bones [ @adulterclavis ] about what I could do to fix it, and it turned out that I just needed to talk to someone about it to find where I wanted to go again, and then it got easier. I still struggled for sure not having a traditional Big Antagonist plotline thing, it was more personal and then Maka's mom… Bones let me cry in her inbox about writing.

Q: What brought about your characterization of Mama Albarn (who i still hate btw >: ((( )?

madi: You are not the only one...

guac: I'm always ready to fight her.

madi: Okay so, basically Mama Albarn came about just from how I used to (and still sometimes do) talk to myself. It's that internalized idea you always have to be perfect, and if you aren't given everything you've been given and have, then you're weak and a fuckup and how dare you not be the best? DEFINITELY a toxic mindset, and Bad. And this fic was sort of exorcising that, a little. This was an external abusive deal, but you can absolutely develop abusive thought patterns towards yourself, and you can also free yourself from them, like Maka was ultimately able to.

Q: Was there a scene in particular you really enjoyed?

madi: I heckin’ loved the butt lamp scene. It honestly kept me going, knowing I'd be able to write that monstrosity. And also drunk Kid, who marsh aptly named Five Drink Amy. AND THEN GUAC skl;dfkld. So there was this, right, and then guac

madi: Which linked to THIS PIC:

madi: And we all could not stop laughing.

Q: What was the hardest part to write?

madi: I got stuck at the end of chapter 3, and I ultimately added another section on to it to make it work, but I think deciding how I wanted to transition from her debauched night out into a Soul POV chapter given what I wanted each person to sort of be faced with was probably the hardest thing for me. This whole deal was largely driven by me groping in the dark at what felt right.

Q: PS I loved the debauched night out. And Patty's drinks.

madi: I loved patty in this!! Bones wanted to marry her, so I know it Worked Out. She was another fun one to write, as were her drinks ahaha.

Q: What was your favorite thing about this Resbang in particular?

madi: Oh jeez, hm. I think my favorite thing was doing a better job fleshing out the side characters in Harv and Anya and Kid and Star. That was something I regret not doing better in my older work, so I'm happy I got to try my hand at giving people other than Soul/Maka some personality.

guac: They became such a cute little chosen family.

Q: Why a food-themed story specifically? What about that appealed to you? (For everyone!)

madi: (Apeeled).

Souly: I fucking love SoMa. [And] the cooking aspect really drew me in... idk why but I've always had a thing for those kinds of things with anime I'm into?

guac: My current relationship started with them teaching me how to cook real food cause I used to eat like a garbage can, so I was like ‘welp this is gonna be hella cute, count me in.’

madi: Omg, I didn't know that, that's ADORABLE.

guac: Shhhhh. I don't talk about my feelings very much. But yeah. I was like ‘a SoMa AU about my life!!!’

Souly: Honestly yeah same, I feel like I also like... connected with Maka about being poor and just buying shit to eat.

madi: Let's see, I had a prompt sitting in my inbox FOREVER that was like 'I’m obsessed with a food blogger who writes about cheap ways to be gourmet in your 20s and I flirt with them over comments but they never post pictures of their face and ALSO there’s a really cute grocery bagger at the store down the street who teases me and always asks to join me for dinner and I definitely want to say yes AU' that I was initially gonna go with, and originally it was a little closer to this deal. My first blush ideas for this sort of had the drama in not knowing who was whom, and the big reveal being the climax, or something like Maka thinking Soul was taken because she thought he was involved with the comment girl and then that whole drama. But then I thought that that sorta thing had been done before, and I wanted this to be less about the drama of the reveal and more about the process of them growing closer, I guess. And I also looooooove cooking and baking, so that definitely bled through.

Q: I thought it was a neat shake up how you didn’t make the reveal the crux of the whole thing.

madi: Ahahaha yeah, I definitely thought about it, but ultimately wanted this to be less 'gasp, it's YOU!' because the reader knows, and if I wanted to make the reader invested, I'd have to keep them apart and do the kinda drama I wasn't feeling for this fic. The insta bit came about because I spend some time looking at food pics before I go to sleep, and that provided a lot of insp for that section. Half of my degree is in nutrition, so I like to see the recipes people come up with, and also roll my eyes at some of the bougie stuff, because insta is definitely a Platform for that, depending on where you end up haha. Also like, I definitely took some things I've experienced flat out and added them in, like Harv shoving Maka electrolyte packets. Last year when I was deep in the sad pit, my diet was terrible, and I knew it, but I wasn't doing much about it. And then one day I was talking to Bones and my leg muscle kept spasming, and she was like dude when was the last time you've gotten minerals and I was like .....oh. So she sent me a link for those packets to hold me over on days I wasn’t getting them from my diet ahaha. Bones is also where some of Kid came from, and bits of Anya.

Q: Where did you get your recipes? I want a cookbook based on this fic p...please.

modi: Okay okay let me find some of the recipes that inspired things:

https://showmetheyummy.com/crockpot-mexican-chicken-recipe/ https://www.instagram.com/p/BfWNxv9HuHg/?hl=en&taken-by=thefeedfeed.

[Bones] was also the steak recipe insp!

madi: The kitchn, thefeedfeed, showmetheyummy, minimalistbaker were all feeds that I was inspired by, and then I just improv’d from there, because I have cooked all or most of the things I described in there. AND IT'S WHERE MAKA'S CUPCAKE GAZING CAME FROM. LOOK AT THE GLORIOUS MOUNTAIN OF ICING https://www.instagram.com/p/BaRGvjGDBpr/?hl=en&taken-by=thescranline

Q: Did you feel like your writing has changed at all during writing this?

madi: Yeah, for sure! I thought that this year I got better at characterizing people, adding some personality to them that was a little more nuanced than I'd done before. I think I absorbed some of Bones's longer sentence style, which I personally tend to like even though I am still getting a handle on it, and I think I got better at describing things in general. Next step is being better with plot and tightening up the language a little more >:) Most of the changes, I think, were sentence style and how I handled dialogue, which is usually harder for me.

Q: Artists: did you learn any new techniques that you plan to practice or improve on any you've been trying to learn?

Souly: Oh yeah, I learned doing flats as I go with lines actually speeds up the process slightly... I practiced a different lighting technique that I never did end up going with but I kinda figured out what I need to do to make it work. It sadly just didn't work with how I set up this pic.

madi: Oooo nice, linework is Intimidating but you made it look easy.

guac: I am just glad to force myself to make stuff. Glad to be here. Thought my drawing of bodies got better (thanks Black Star).

madi: Y'all don't understand the sound I made when I saw guac drew the apron.

Souly: That Blackstar pic is my fave.

Q: WHAT'S NEXT, everybody? ;D

madi: >;) well, I have a secret project that I thought of last year that I am not yet sure will be a Resbang or a chaptered dealio, so I want to pick at that. Then I have a chaptered Star vs the Forces of Evil fic I need to update, and I owe Pip [ @paperypiper ] like two or three Noragami fluff pieces, and SILLY’S BDAY SMUT. Which will proabbly be like a whole year late but whatever I’m sorry, I will try to make it extra spicy.

Souly: I'm signing up for a few zines! I'm currently waiting for them to open apps but I'm looking at an Enstars zine, FMA tarot project, and some YOI zines. I was also recently in the Soul Eater reversal zine that just closed preorders the other day so I'm waiting to be able to post my piece :0

guac: I'm arting for the BNHA big bang and mostly consumed by school. Who knows what will happen next! There's a little pop punk lyrics + anime project I'm working on so maybe I'll show it to the world someday soon. We will see.

madi: OH YEAH I’m writing for that bang too! AND GUAC GOT ME AS AN ARTIST. It's the ultimate resonance.

#AMA transcripts #rbbc #resbang book club #bouquet garni

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sundayswithshan · 5 years

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190505

this is a long post so im putting it under a Keep Reading because its a LOT and it is ALL about you.

but before i get into that, ill mention that i got my tattoo done last week and holy HELL it HURTS. do not get stomach tattoos. but i love how it looks so im really happy.

i also did a film this week that was a lot of fun, and i got a surprise visit from my parents which made me so so so so happy.

anyways. onto the real show.

you bastard. you got me all confused again. i thought you werent here. you’re not here. we aren’t... we’re not. right?? you’re not here?? if you were.. you’d talk to me, wouldn’t you?? so why the hell... why’d you share those songs... the lyrics... you said they were honest. you related to them. you felt them. its gotta be a coincidence that you shared a song that says “ill see you when i see you, it hurts, you’ll never know... maybe you’ll come running when you’re done being alone,” sharing that right after i posted that i was going to go (alone) to LA instead of going to korea, where you are. i had to choose being alone for the sake of my career. “promises you’re breaking,” i know i promised i’d go there. i still want to. i miss you so much. i’m so alone. but i don’t have a company to sponsor my E6 visa, so i cant be there. but you posted this after i said that. its coincidence, isnt it? you’re not here. if you were here, you’d talk to me, wouldn’t you? you wouldn’t let me suffer like this, right?? because you.. you care. God, I just wish i could hear from you. just one DM. so i knew you were here. so i know to keep fighting. i want to keep fighting but its so hard when all you have to run with are coincidences that are maybe you communicating, maybe just my mental illnesses acting up, maybe just nothing.

i’m crying because i miss you, this is the first time in awhile. for awhile i thought i mightve been over you.. turns out i was just suppressing it. i want to be with you. i have 6 weeks off this summer. if you said the word i’d drop everything and go to korea for 6 weeks to spend every moment possible with you. but only if you told me to.. because i can’t go alone. can’t go not knowing if you’d be there. but just know that... you DM me, i’m there. no one will know. or if you had time off, i’d buy your roundtrip to visit savannah any time of year. you’d like it here. i wouldn’t hesitate. i’m smiling thinking about seeing you (i stopped crying). but i know.. i know it won’t happen. it’s all just been coincidence.

i don’t even know why i feel this way, this strongly. it really feels like God’s doing this to me. i’ve never, ever felt this way about anyone. there’s no one else that i would drop my career for, someone who i actually want to listen to, to learn about, to spend every moment with. i don’t know why i feel this way when i barely know you but theres a part of me that feels like i’ve known you forever, i can’t imagine a life where i didn’t know you. and a part of me is screaming that God is making me feel this way about you. it’s not infatuation. i know you have flaws. you’re not perfect. but that.. makes me like you. you’re just somehow.. right for me, i think. i don’t know how.. but i feel God telling me that. pushing me to you, even though you’re not perfect (im so far from perfect though, i dont know what my original point even was anymore)

i feel.. close to you right now. which is weird. but i feel you. sometimes i can feel you, sometimes you feel really far. but today you feel close. did you think about me today? in reality though, we’ve never been farther.. each day we get farther, right? each day is another day away from the last time we met. ive never felt this way before. why do i feel it for you? for someone so far.. so unreachable? why does God insist that i don’t give up on you? how do i keep fighting? i don’t know.

the hopeful part of me tries to convince myself that you want to talk to me and you would if you could but you still cant even though your dating ban ended. like maybe staffs wont let you talk to someone who’s long distance. but i think thats ridiculous. i hate asking you to sneak a message, but just saying, my snapchat is on my insta bio. snap messages disappear and i cant screenshot it without u knowing so????? flawless loophole??? and even if ur snapchat is monitored, change my contact to an inconspicuous name. boom. this is the slytherin in me coming out, but its slytherin bathed in my hufflepuff loyalty SO. man, i feel foolish for even suggesting something like that. but seriously theres no reason why it wouldn’t work. and the staffs are OBVIOUSLY not here, because no one is here, so there’s nothing to be paranoid of. if you did that.. we could work everything out, get on the same page, and maybe end up together the way my soul is screaming for (that i STILL don’t know for why it do) or maybe you could do me a favor, if you feel so inclined, add me and message me so that you can tell me to (pardon my language but for lack of a better word) fuck off. tell me you dont like me so that i can just be hurt for a while but eventually heal instead of sitting here wondering if you like me or not.

alright ive been going on for way too long. you know where i am. thanks for sharing that album and getting me REAL confused again.

see you soon? -shan

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first time - seven lions, slander, & dabin (this one is for you. dunno if youd bop with the style but the lyrics are for you.) everything all at once - SYML (i absolutely LOVE this song, it just came out) harvest moon - SYML (this one always reminds me of you. it makes me cry) lemniscate (the place between sleeping and awake) - crywolf (the flute and the guitars are so pretty also this whole album is AMAZING) even when you’re running - casting crowns

#sws: confused #sws: lonely

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