#i always wish I had irl bf friends but then I remember I’m kinda scared of my country’s anime community

[tempestuous-cosplay]

just cuz

Ask me these probing NSFW questions ‘cuz I’m bored

SEXYTIMES EXPERIENCES

1. How many people have you had sex with?

13? somewhere around there.

2. Can you remember the names of everyone you’ve slept with?

if I try hard enough, yeah, but off the cuff, no

3. With whom did you first do the sexytimes? Was it good?

My first Bf, and hahahaha no. Not at all.

4. What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?

a close friend and i took MDMA and fucked for, like, 4 hours and it was lovely.

5. What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had?

this guy i banged in collage who was just bony, small, boring, and ignored me after.

6. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?

In a tent? Or the time in a church.

7. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve masturbated?

I don't have any fun or interesting stories about that.

8. Have you ever been caught doing the sexytimes?

NOPE

9. If you masturbate, when did you start, and how?

around middle school or early highschool but it was very rare bc i didn't get much from it. But the first time I actually orgasmed was when I hit 22 and got on T. then jacking it became a regular thing.

10. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

My dad walked in right before I was about to get started. that was the worst.

QUEER SHIT

11. How would you describe your sexuality using only adjectives (describing words–busy, fluffy, squishy, etc.)?

weird and complicated but friendly

12. Have you ever been in a queer relationship?

a solid 95% of my relationships have been queer. Only 1 wasn't.

13. Have you ever been in a straight relationship?

Just one. Gross

14. How and when did you realise you weren’t straight?

the moment i knew it was something that was possible. so very early.

15. Are you out to everyone you know?

p much

16. Where do you meet queer folks to date? Do you find it difficult?

I don't really date. But I made my friends through cosplay and then by meeting their friends and it just keeps going.

17. If your parents know about your sexuality, how did they react?

They always knew. I never really "Came out". I have p chill parents

18. Does your best friend know about your sexuality? How did they react?

Duh. I've slept with a number of them.

19. Describe your first queer kiss.

Much better than my first straight kiss.

20. What’s the queerest shit you’ve ever done?

My queer platonic partner :3

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

21. Are you happy with your body?

happier than i was and on my way to making it exactly how I want. Tho i do wish I was taller.

22. What’s the raddest part of your bod, and why?

my eyes are very pretty

23. What do you do with your body hair (pubes, underarms, legs, etc.)?

I don't do jack shit. Im lazy

24. Do you have stretch marks? Where?

Some where my tits used to be, inner thighs, and my love handles.

25. Describe your nipples in too much detail.

theyre kinda lopsided bc of how they were reattached during top surgery. the right one is super sensitive to touch and its kinda painful bc NERVE DAMAGE and the left one is totally numb

26. (Vagina-owners) Do you have an “innie” (small, tucked-in inner labia), or an “outie” (more visible/larger inner labia)?

supper innie. I, like, don't have an inner labia at all. Its WEIRD

27. (Vagina-owners) Is it very obvious when you’re turned on (swelling, wetness etc.)?

Yeah bc my clit is HUGE now thanks to T. It gets HARD

28. (Penis-owners) Describe the size and shape of your penis. Are you happy with it?

its, like, an inch an a half long and really small :3. I like it

29. (Penis-owners) Have you tasted your own cum? Did you like it?

Yeah, its kinda tart

30. (Breast-owners) How does the size of your breasts compare? Is one bigger than the other?

Back when I had them, the left one was a lil bigger than the right one, but i had huge badonkers. Just MASSIVE. They were nearly perfect, but they were on me, so it was horrible.

SEXUAL FANTASY LAND

31. Describe your most unusual/taboo fantasy.

consensual non-consent in fiction. I don;t think i could do it IRL.

32. Do you fantasise more about real situations, or imaginary/impossible ones?

It fluxuates, but mostly its very fantasy.

33. Who’s the oddest person you’ve fantasised about?

The Devil from The Arcana

34. Do you ever find yourself fantasising absent-mindedly, or is it something you do on purpose?

it fluxtuates, but horny daydreams are common

35. Do you always fantasise while you masturbate?

sometimes, yeah

36. When you fantasise, does it usually lead to masturbation?

it actually doesn't more than it does.

37. Have you ever had sex with someone while fantasising about someone else?

nah

38. Do you have any celebrity crushes that you fantasise about?

Hozier has had more than one sex dream in my head.

39. Have you ever fantasised about something by accident, and felt weird about it after?

oh sure. thats p normal.

40. Describe your most sexy fantasy.

hah, no. THats too much to type.

KINKTOWN USA

41. How do you feel about BDSM?

im fine with it

42. What’s your most unusual kink?

probably being a living sex doll

43. In an SM context, do you prefer giving pain, or receiving it?

Im not the biggest fan of either but I would rather receiving bc im too scared of accidentally really hurting someone

44. Do you consider yourself to be dominant, submissive, both, or neither?

Im a sub leaning switch.

45. Describe your most recent bondage experience.

got tied up in cosplay for a photoshoot.

46. In a BDSM context, have you ever referred to anyone as “daddy,” “mommy,” or any similar term?

nope but i've been called daddy

47. Do you have a kink for any bodily fluids (pee, saliva, blood, tears, cum, etc.)?

cum, blood, and spit to a small degree.

48. Have you ever revealed a kink to someone and had them react negatively?

not yet tbh.

49. Do you have any kinks that you’re ashamed of?

nah, not really

50. How much money have you spent on equipment for your kinks (toys, whips, chains, etc.)?

OOF!!! A good several hundred dollars. Like...... its a fairly high number.

COME FOR THE QUESTIONS, STAY FOR THE SUBHEADINGS

51. (Vagina-owners) Do you ever squirt when you come?

I have a few times!!

52. Have you ever come solely from penetration (anal or vaginal)?

no, that I haven't managed.

53. Can you have an orgasm without your genitals being touched?

HAH I WISH but no

54. Describe how you like your genitals to be touched.

Nice slow strokes on my clit like a dick with some gentle rubbing on the lips.

55. How sensitive are your nipples? Does nipple play turn you on?

One is numb and one is very painful. So no.

56. Do you find it easier to orgasm with another person, or through masturbation?

Jacking it. I almost never cum with a partner. Sex is more for bonding than personal pleasure tbh.

57. Have you ever had an orgasm that you weren’t expecting?

A few times, yeah!!

58. Do you get off easier from rough contact, or gentle?

rough ish??

59. What’s the best orgasm you’ve ever had?

the few times ive squirted.

60. Did it take you a while to have your first orgasm, or were you an early starter?

took until i was 22

ORAL FIXATION

61. Do you enjoy giving oral sex? Why?

YES!! Its a good mouth feel.

62. What’s your favourite position in which to receive oral?

not sure yet.

63. Describe your oral sex technique.

suck and wiggle. suck and wiggle

64. Do you find it easier to give oral to someone with the same genital configuration as you (eg., you both own vaginas/both own penises), or different?

theyre about the same amount of effort for me.

65. Describe the worst oral sex you’ve ever received.

too much teeth.

66. Describe the best oral sex you’ve ever received.

I was..... on some drug or another, can't remember what, and bro, i mELTED

67. Do you ever simulate oral sex while masturbating (sucking on dildos etc.)?

rarely but sometimes

68. How sensitive is your mouth? Is it an erogenous zone, for you?

not much? but its fine

69. Do you like 69ing?

never tried, not super interested

70. Can you deep-throat?

anything smaller than 6" yeah.

EVERYTHING BUTT

71. Do you like it in the butt?

yeah but it takes a lot for me to be willing to do it.

72. What’s the strangest object you’ve had in your butt?

a phallic shaped kite handle (I was young and stupid)

73. Do you enjoy being rimmed?

sure

74. Can you take a lot in your butt, or just a little?

just a lil

75. Describe your most recent experience with buttsex.

I was, again, on drugs a little under a year ago and let my best friend pop that particular cherry.

76. Do you like doing stuff to other people’s butts?

im indifferent leaning on rather not.

77. (Prostate-owners) Have you ever received a prostate massage?

nope

78. Do you own any buttplugs?

nope

79. Have you ever had an embarrassing buttsex experience?

not yet, hopefully never

80. Have you ever pegged someone (ie., worn a strapon and fucked them in the butt)?

not yet

SHARING IS CARING

All questions assume you’ve done group sex of some kind

81. Describe your most recent group sex experience.

got one coming up in about a week? but an orgy at a furry convention.

82. Have you ever had sex with more than two people at once (eg., foursome, moresome)?

sure have

83. Have you ever had an orgy? Would you?

yup, and YUP!!!

84. Do you enjoy watching your partner(s) having sex with others?

ehehehe yeh

85. Do you prefer to arrange group sex beforehand, or allow it to happen organically?

both are fine!

86. Have you ever felt left out during group sex?

nah, im too sexy for that

87. Have you ever done a gangbang (ie., lots of people have sex with one person, but not each other)?

not yet but i WANNA

88. Have you ever teamed up with someone and given a double blowjob/double cunnilingus?

not yet :O,,,, WAIT!!! YEAH I HAVE!!!!

89. Have you ever been penetrated by more than one person at the same time?

not yet but god I wanna

90. Have you ever been ejaculated on by more than one person at the same time?

not yet

**BONUS DARES**

100. Send me $500.

#red talks #wanna know way too much about me?

[pauleonotis]

Tag Game

I was tagged by @rockmarina, thank you! :D ❤️

Rules: Answer 10 questions, then come up with 10 more, and tag 10 people.

1. What is something you’ve created that makes you feel proud of yourself?

I once wrote a small book with a couple of short stories and drew pictures to them. The characters in it were either me, my brother, my cousin, my best friend or a friend I had in school. We all had different roles and the stories were entertaining and hilarious. (I‘m kinda sad I don’t have it anymore, I don’t know whether I gifted it my friend to then lost it or gave it my mom who then threw it away but it’s gone now unfortunately.)

2. Share a childhood memory that includes an animal!

My whole life I’ve had bunnies (tho not anymore, my last one I owned passed away in 2018). I remember being on a class trip it was kinda like a farm? They had some goats, a lot of bunnies, some stray cats and horses. We were allowed to go inside the bunny area and pet them etc. and since I had bunnies myself that was basically my favorite thing to do. One bunny in particular (that didn’t come out often) caught my attention, he didn’t have ears and one of the caretakers there told me about a child who grabbed him by the ears and basically swung him until they ripped off.

This bunny was the only one who didn’t come out often or near any humans even if we had food but I remember sitting with the bunnies alone after having an argue with the girls I shared a room with so I was kicked out by them and that bunny then took some bites of a carrot that was laying right next to me and idk but that moment made me really happy. :)

I btw didn’t try to touch him or anything, I think that would’ve just scared him off but being so close was a huge step and I‘m so proud of that little bun! ;-;

3. Warm or cold colours?

Depends, I love both but if i have to choose then I‘d say warm colors since I feel like I work with them more whenever I draw? Idk. xD

4. What is the boomer/gen Xer societal norm that you find the most unnecessary and annoying, if any? (e.g: no elbows on the table)

Uhhhh what? I gotta admit I have absolutely no clue what else there is except that example that is given. But that no elbows on the table is pretty unnecessary if you ask me- I don’t have them on the table while eating with both hands but if I just use my fork or a spoon lemme just rest my other arm on that damn table pls??? I‘m not trying to be rude, just trying to find a comfortable position thankyouverymuch.

5. Have you ever picked anything from the street and kept it?

Yes. A One Direction pendant which basically was a gold 1 and a D. Back then I didn’t know what it meant because I never really recalled the name of that group? But funnily enough during the time I found this I was listening to the song ‚Best Song Ever‘ on repeat.

6. What is one piece of media that has helped you through some rough times?

Fanfiction net and Fanfiktion de probably? Lmao idk. But I remember I‘d always read fanfictions to save my day! :D Or maybe youtube too, I absolutely loved to watch speedpaint videos which motivated me to draw and practice.

7. Have you ever cried in front of anyone unexpected?

Yes. My ex boyfriend.

I have to admit I‘m actually not a person that cries that easily about irl situations... idk. But basically I was at his house to stay over the weekend and he kissed me and left a lot of love bites on my neck and cleavage and the thing is I wasn’t really together with him because I loved him — when he was visiting me the first time he was just an online friend I had and he then kissed me and said I‘m his now and I agreed because all my friends during that time had a bf or were in love and I was questioning my sexuality but didn’t want to be the different one or disappoint my parents by coming out as bi or lesbian so I tried to force myself into a straight relationship. So yeah and that night when he left those love bites I realized that no, I didn’t want that. I want to figure out my sexuality and not force myself to be someone I’m not and I also don’t want to rush anything. And that’s why I started to cry.

Which was really... really awkward in that situation tho. XD

8. What would someone have to do to make you hate them?

Abuse people or animals (especially those who can’t do anything/speak up/protect themselves). I was about to add something to that but it isn’t something nice and I have to admit it probably shouldn’t be said out loud.

9. What is one forbidden smell that you love? (glue, gasoline...)

Idk what else counts as forbidden smell...? I don’t like smelling glue or gasoline lmao. But unusual smells... uhh... I have to say I kinda miss the smell of the litter that was in my bunnies cage. And the smell of the grass and dandelions (Schnuffel adored them ;-;).

10. What is something you’re passionate about?

A couple of things actually, the most obvious one would be drawing and trying to improve. But let’s see uhm... learning?

Not that boring school stuff, even tho there were many interesting things I’ve learned over the 13 years that I‘ve been to school, BUT I‘m talking about more...random things.

Idk tell me random facts, or something about your culture, about languages, tell me something about history, mythology, astronomy, let me know more about yourself, about your friends or people you look up to or people that interest you. Tell me about tricks or life hacks. How did you do that? When did you learn that? What does that mean? I definitely want to know and/or learn.

Now onto my questions (it btw was so difficult coming up with 10 questions and now I have to do it a second time- WHY ;-; xD):

1. What mythical creature do you wish actually existed?

2. How do you judge a person?

3. What are you interested in that most people that you know aren’t?

4. What‘s the funniest joke you know by heart?

5. What movie/video/picture/meme/whatever always makes you laugh no matter how often you see it?

6. Which protagonist from a book/movie would make the worst roommate?

7. And what protagonist from a book/movie would make the best roommate?

8. The last song you sang along to?

9. What was the best thing that happened to you today?

10. What are your top 3 fanfiction tropes?

Tagging: @rockmarina (>:3) @aceveria @samyistrying @triggerlil @practicefortheheart @april-thelightfury115 @drarryruinedme7 @big-draco-energy @ohheavenlylord @qmortentia (only if you want to do it of course!)

#im gonna put some tws just in case- #tw animal harm #tw animal cruelty #tw animal violence #abuse mention

[weezerpilled]

tagged by @killapunk like,, 2 weeks ago whoops! under cut bc some of these are pretty deep and require equally long & deep answers (also probably Oversharing™)

1. You can take the pain of any one person and dissolve it into nothingness. This could radically change them, mostly for the better. Whose pain do you take?

honestly?? right now??? yours. i just want you to be happy. have you watched puella magi madoka magica? u should. i’d pull a homura for you if i were to be a lil more selfish though.... myself? i feel like i could be a better, stronger person if i hadn’t had to... endure certain things in my life... alternatively my dad who is. a major asshole. probably due to getting hurt himself. then again i despise him so much i don’t believe he deserves that sort of redemption :/ 2. What food could you survive on? omg i’m scared of the finality of this question... tortillas?? you can fill them with whatever you like 3. Which mythological creature do you wish you were, potential downsides and all? maybe a guardian angel... or a forest spirit of some sort. 4. What does your wardrobe consist of? lots of jeans, dress shirts, flannels, tops, weird patterned socks... also collecting cool jackets and shoes is my kink 5. Describe your dream job. well-paid, challenging, includes interaction with others, requires language skills and creativity 6. What was your first OC like? Got no OCs- what was your first fandom/obsession? no ocs - maybe pokemon?? apparently i watched it since i was like 2 and the 12yo me drew pokemon stuff on deviantart,, also sonic. g o d that could’ve gone so wrong 7. You either die instantly and save humanity (as a concept, not individuals) or you live and only save your family/best friend/pets. I know we all wanna die on this damn website, but which do you choose? hhhhh i think i’d die. i’m not sure what saving humanity on concept level includes dssdfdgj but i can imagine being alone on earth w only my family and a few others would be pretty agonizing?? then again i’d do almost anything for my little brother so if the concept option doesn’t include saving him i’d have to reconsider 8. Which country have you always wanted to visit? england (check), scotland, japan, russia... 9. What was the most recent dream you can remember? ((LONG ANSWER)) ohh my god okay so last night i saw a really wild and vivid dream. i started dating(?) this guy and temporarily stayed at his place for whatever reason, i think he asked me to? at first he was pretty charming and i went along with it. then strange people started showing up at his house, his “friends” he said, but they seemed more like some criminals or cultists, idek. then my new bf started showing his more... unpleasant side. he was distant, blunt, did hard drugs, gave me the heebie-jeebies in general. also random but there was a bathtub of some sort i think he liked to lounge & do drugs in n stuff THEN this girl shows up and tells me she’s his gf and like?? goes berserk on me? i try to assure her i had no idea he was taken and i’d gladly be on my way which was true. then the lady attacks me outside the house and hurts me (i think she was on drugs as well) and i whip out my stiletto knife (the one i own irl) and just panic and stab her twice and she collapsed and possibly died...?? then my bf showed up and said something, his face was all twisted and weird to me and his words were garbled (i believe he had slipped something into my drink that night, i think there was a party) and he attacked me and possibly attempted to... assault me, idk but he got a knife in the gut as well... i just... stabbed and stabbed and screamed n cried until he went limp. after that shit’s foggy, i think i passed out in the dream/woke up irl shortly after... dunno what was up w that dream/nightmare but fuck it was a lil too real n freaky n scary 10. What’s a cartoon or show you can’t get into, no matter how hard you try? steven universe?? tbh i haven’t even tried but it doesn’t seem appealing to me in the slightest..., like i’m sure it’s a objectively a very good show but it’s not just the type of thing i’d take interest in,, 11. What’s one thing about yourself you aim to improve? i really should be more open w/my feelings... let my friends know how much i appreciate them..... confess to my crushes...... this kinda normal stuff is pretty hard for me bc i’ve been raised to value efficiency + academic/career success and be a Cold-Ass Bitch tm instead of acknowledging my softer side and acting upon my feelings,,

#pt90 talk #thx for tagging!! <33

[tigertae]

70 horrible questions

UWaaaaa I got tagged by @acelululala​. Thanks you sweetie~ <3

It’s under the cut cause it’s pretty long :’D

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Me and my mom are very close as of now. But me and my dad never really speak :’D  02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? I don’t remember O_O 03: Do you regret anything? Yes. Who doesn’t :’) 04: Are you insecure? Very..... OTL 05: What is your relationship status? Single. And that’s how I like it :’D 06: How do you want to die? Uhm.... As less painful as possible?  07: What did you last eat? a little cake filled with custard. 08: Played any sports? When I was really little I played volleyball. I don’t remember much of it tho. lol 09: Do you bite your nails? Not anymore~ 10: When was your last physical fight? uhm.... 10-12 years ago.  11: Do you like someone? Yes. :’D 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Yup.....  13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? Yea. Trump :’D  14: Do you miss someone? Yea 15: Have any pets? Yup~ We have a doggie called Jemie <33333 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? Neutral?.... No... Slightly annoyed actually.... My mom’s boyfriend just told us off over something HE always does....... 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? Nooo 18: Are you scared of spiders? No. I was tho. Not anymore~ 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes. But only if it’s to give advice or something... Not to stay. 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? Wha? What is snogged?..... /looks it up/ oh.... uhm.... In a car? Yea. It was in a car....  21: What are your plans for this weekend? Lol the weekend just ended. But I have no plans for any weekend tho lol. I’m poor and my friends live far away from me and never want to come over :’D 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? Nope.  23: Do you have piercings? How many? I have tunnels in my ears~ Does that count? 14mm. 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? English! :D and artsy things. 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? I do.... :( this question made me saaaaad ;A; 26: What are you craving right now? Lately I crave pizza alot of the time. 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I don’t know.... I hope not ;A; well... I think I have tho... I turned down 2 guys before.... and I was the one that broke up with my ex... ;A;  28: Have you ever been cheated on? Nope 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? I don’t know... Does during a break up count?... Cause then yes.... ;-; 30: What’s irritating you right now? My mom’s BF :’D 31: Does somebody love you? I hope so :’D 32: What is your favourite color? omfg I had fav colors but really I just love all colors. I love colors~ 33: Do you have trust issues? I don’t know... I don’t think so? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? I always dream full stories so.... I’m going to try to make it short. I was in some kind of mall and my mom and my bro where there and we were searching for something and there were objects all over the place so we had to maneuver over them to get somewhere.... and at one point I was flying :’D 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom I think 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? No. I’m actually kinda harsh in that point... :’D I do give someone a second chance but it depends on the thing they did. I had a friend once who basically wished me dead and told me to kill myself and all that nasty stuff... When she called me a few days after that I told her to not call me again and just hung up.... :’D 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? Idk...  38: Is this year the best year of your life? The year just started.  39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? Uuuuuuuuhm 20? 21? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? No. lol 51: Favourite food? Pffffft idk... I love so many foods... But we have this dish in the Netherlands that’s called “Boerenkool” and my mom makes the best. With bacon and “Unox Worst” <333333 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? I guess.... But the universe hates my guts if that’s true 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Kakaotalk 54: Is cheating ever okay? NO!! 55: Are you mean? I hope not :’D  56: How many people have you fist fought? 2. My bro and a girl from school. 57: Do you believe in true love? Not reallly.. 58: Favourite weather? 24 C with a slight little wind 59: Do you like the snow? It depends.... Playing with snow is nice but when you have to travel through it, it’s not... 60: Do you wanna get married? Nope. 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? I guess? :’D 62: What makes you happy? SHINee~ <3 63: Would you change your name?   Yes. Cause my actual name is Kimberley. I’d rather change it to Kim permanently. I love my last name tho “van der Linden”. It sounds super fancy lol. Also it fits behind literally ANY name. 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? Yes. Since she lives 3 countries away. lol And if she was right here it would still be hard tho...  65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? This happened to me irl and it was complicated asFuCK... I liked him back and then we kissed and then it was all a mess and complicated and.... we don’t speak to each other anymore now, so..... And I miss him alot actually..... Gahd.... I’m trying real hard to forget about him tbh.... 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? Nope. 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? My bro. :’D 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? A friend on Kakaotalk. :) 69: Do you believe in soulmates? Idk.... That stuff is really complicated since people change throughout the years... That’s why I don’t really believe in true love either. 70: Is there anyone you would die for? Yes. Absolutely.

This was kinda hard :’D Hah~ But thank you so much for tagging me <333 But I’m not going to tag anyone tho OTL Im sorry OTL ^^”

#personal thingy #acelululala

[grunge-optimistic]

i feel like and i know that this is the only place where i can tell you guys all of my thoughts so uhm right now as i’m typing this it’s 11:58pm, 24/06/19, monday.

i am crying right now... uhm it’s cause i miss my bf . and i’m way too attached to him and i jus love him way too much... and he says he loves me more but, i think right now he now realises that i’m not kidding when i told him that i love him more...

so ever since i was little @least on my birthday- every year or close to my bday i’d be told the story of how i’m a mistake and i hurt my grandma when she was born .:: now the thing is... that i didn’t do that to her obviously - i was being born / but then obviously she gotta tell me like every single year around my bday... and just remind me on how i’m a mistake ... ye.

then another thing, my (used to be) best friend (now jus friend) was in class with me and another friend ... my friend, he was tryna get to know my bf right, so then my friend said “oh i wanna meet him” and then he said “oh you wanna steal him too” and she said “no” in a jokingly way, smiled with teeth heaps, and didn’t look @me whilst smiling or anything ... man i really thought telling her .... wouldn’t be a mistake but i guess... idk she can’t be trusted.

so i told my bf that, he said “i love you, i don’t want her” and he even decided to not talk to her but ... he has :/

and i don’t wanna look jealous .... i don’t wanna be jealous but she’s done this to other guys as well.... and idk i don’t wanna lose him... i can’t.

and then another thing.... cause i’m stupid and vulnerable.... i told him that i’m sad when his gone- and it’s true but... that’s cause i don’t wanna live okay - like i wanna reaaaally kms and all - like anytime i passed out @sunday, i was happy cause i was closer to dying / like i don’t wanna live anymore; it’s tiring okay, i’m tired i really am, i jus wanna overdose ... and i think about overdosing every single day.

see i’d tell him about me wanting to die but, when i said that he got sad and i already make him sad @least once everyday (because we texting // he and i aren’t sad when together tho), so i can’t make him really sad or feel sorry for me even more... it’s honestly degrading when your telling somebody all this and they either feel sorry and don’t do anything or.... they just simply don’t care and it’s like : i eXpEcTeD yOu tO sAy sOmEthiNg... i tHouGht yOu cARed thAt’S wHy i cAMe tO yOu! .... but then you jus type ‘oh okay’ whilst tears rolling down your face- it’s like .... i really thought we were like this from both sides but i guess it’s only from your side like i would care sfm if you were to tell me all of this and i’d make sure you were okay, i’d even stay up with you and make sure i’m asleep knowing that your okay, and i want someone to be like that for me-/ i need that for me, i truely feel like i don’t got anybody and man, that feels like the loneliest place in the world.... the entire of last week at school man, i was seriously tryna keep a smile, it worked everytime i’d talk but i didn’t wanna talk @all,

it’s funny cause my friend asked me & told me “your happy all the time, i’ve never seen you not smiling, see even now, when there’s sharpie all over your hands ... your still smiling even when you may be mad.... how?” and then she asked “are you always happy?” and i said “yeah” ... man when i said that, i didn’t know it’d take so much effort to just say a simple ‘yes’, i felt like if i said something else other than yes, i would’ve been ready to break down, right there and then, i already was breaking down in my mind so i’d jus be doing whatever was going on in my head...

anyways, see uhm, whenever my bf is sad, i stay up, or i keep talking to him, i make sure that his alright at least, or feeling better.... but then when he asks me what i’m feeling ... i’ve realised that he don’t want the dark thoughts i get constantly every single day, he wants the light, thoughts - that his dealt with or something ..., but the truth is that none of my thoughts are like that, if they were they’d be easily solvable and i would be happy... but it’s not.... and you know i think in my head ‘what if i don’t tell him what’s going on, i jus act like everything’s fine, jus not tell him what’s going on, how i’m feeling, cause he wouldn’t be able to tell by text’ but then, when i msg him, i get vulnerable, especially when i’m sad or wanna kms, so it shows through, cause usually i text more than two-ish words by text (depending on the context) but i keep the convo going ya know.... so uhm, when i’m sad i somehow jus end up typing ‘ye’ and then nothing else.... and with annnybody else .... i could be crying my eyes out but i’ll give a response as if nothing’s wrong and i’m jus the good ol’ me.. and i wanna do that for him but sh*t, i get vulnerable and it’s soOo fucking stupid..,. like why even ... i just want a good fucking relationship and my mind is like : be honest about this even tho he’ll probably want distance after this thing (whatever it is) but still say it, like cause whY tHe fUcK nOt?! ....

and you know how stupid it is when i really wanna kms and overdose every single day, no joke... i really do want to, and it’s like ‘well... i want to be happy.... can somebody help me?’ but then i remember that whenever somebody asks you if your fine, they don’t want the whole story or sappy story, they just want you to say ‘yeah, i’m fine’ then they’ll move on with the convo or there day... whilst your there, breaking ... and it’s sad but i can’t tell any of this to him, well i have, and ..., rn his at the snow, no wifi, only data so he turns it off when he don’t need it and on when he does, so..., when i told him about the me not being happy without him and all, and explained it .... hE fuCkiNg tUrNEd hiS dAtA ofF!!! like how fucking .... jus why, and he knows that i’m sad and all, i thought he cared man, i really did, like to the point where i care for him; which is ‘no matter what’ but fUcKiNg hELL tHiS fuCKiNg hUrT(s) like wHy ... and he knows how i don’t got people that care for me, he knows my friends and families don’t care, man if they cared, they wouldn’t be like this... i wouldn’t be like this. fUck, this hurts. so fucking much.

see i want him to be happy, so i refrain from telling him anything... but eventually like the friend stealing bf thing, that happened @thursday but instead i told him @monday cause i didn’t want to make him sad or something .,, but it was on my mind.,,, and fuck, man i thought i could tell him anything, like i can but i know i’d be expecting something salty or jus blunt or ... an idc response .,, like whY ... i tOLd yOu thiS cAuSe i thOugHt yOu’D cArE, i nEeD yOu, aLOtT, fUcK my tHouGhtS aRe fUcKinG kiLLiNg mE- and you know what’s worse.,.. is that i’m there for anyone, even my bf, well, especially for my bf.,,, and, nobody seems to wanna be there for me, they ask, but they don’t wanna know, they just want a generic response .... and when i ask, i really wanna know, can somebody please .... caRE? i need someone .... i really do. fuck, it actually hurts, living i just need to sleep forever or something i can’t .,,,

he told me that i can’t rely on him for being happy and then when i ain’t with him i’m sad, and it’s like dOnT yOu thiNk i fUcKiNg kNoW tHat aLreaDy, for weeks / always i’ve been telling him i’m clingy, just recently i said “i think i’m too attached to you” and i said that irl, but when i did, i felt like.... i could’ve broken down right there and then, i just was trying to hold it in, and i had a voice crack when i said it to him.... but i kept it all in, he said i wasn’t ... i couldn’t say much about it or else i would’ve actually broken down... for real/ like i was about to.... so i lied and tried to make the convo go & said “okay”.... to whatever he said- but man, the reason i rely on him for happiness is cause i don’t wanna fucking live okay, i got nothing to live for and that’s sad i know okay, but school is now fucked up, my friends - i don’t trust, and home well- i feel like i always got to watch my back or else i’d die or something... i should actually do that, then i can die .... but see ... i don’t even make myself happy okay, i disappoint myself, when i look in the mirror... so i don’t fucking wanna live for myself. but i’m scared of dying and i’m tired of living .... j just wanna end it, all of it, but then there’s him and then i wanna be a person that saves lives in the future like if i died rn, who’d save those people? they may die— ...

so every single night i’ve either cried or rarely but happy (very rare), but most nights i’ve cried.

i just... want someone to be there for me, like i’d be there for them... but i don’t got anyone like that.,, not even my own boyfriend/bestfriend.

i wish i could tell him all this at once, tell him what i’m thinking ... tell him why the fuck i’m always sad or why i rely on him for happiness but man, i have kinda told him why, and he judged me for it in a bad or salty way.... if i tell him the whole thing well, uh- jus nah.,,,

also after he turned his (fucking) data off, i said if he wanted distance or not to talk or whatever for a while then ye, cause i’m clingy and way too attached...

well there it is, it’s 12:42am, 25/06/19, tuesday, and i am kind of all talked out, this was very theriputic and thanks tumblr for letting me for ranting and having the only place to say everything for what i’m truly thinking- word for word....

— good bye, 25/06/2019, tuesday 12:45am.

#sad #boyfriend #crush #depression #liking someone #kms #dying #fuck #i hate life #kill me #anxiety #hate life #nobody cares #help #please help me