#i cant let myself do that to myself again i can not give myself the longest n biggest piece for last | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sh0tanzz · 1 day

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I wish you would do a full post dedicated to toxicity or angsty shortcomings in relationships with the boys 🫠 I loved reading the toxic head canons ❤️

angst hurts my heart but !!

RIIZE RED FLAGS based on astrology~

hyung line edition ❗️

reminder this is based off of MY opinions of their birth chart placements + aspects and is not exact fact unless I knew them myself and I am not a professional astrologer

Shotaro

Vague - not exactly a red flag but he cares a lot about the things going on within his personal life but sometimes he might prefer to keep things to himself due to paranoia of how his s/o will react or if they’d use it against him..he might have a fear of betrayal that can make him be pretty vague and unable to tell his s/o a lot of things in regards to him which can feel secretive to someone who wants a relationship with open info

Intense - His Scorpio moon paired with his Cap venus leads to a need for loyalty as well as his moon/mercury aspect making him very observant of your words and even remembering things you said a longgg time ago which can be overwhelming and feel even persecuting to some. He might also be paranoid in the relationship of cheating or disloyalty.

Coldness- When he's upset he might have a tendency to be cold yet indirect. He has a scorpio mercury and when upset or protecting themselves they can say things that really hurt or could be pretty cutting. He also has a libra mars so he'd be pretty passive aggressive or indirect with his upset.

Eunseok

Nonchalant- (reminder that nonchalant means that a person cares but acts in a way that suggests indifference/disinterest) He can sometimes be too nonchalant and can make someone overall feel as though he has no passion in the relationship when really he does but just doesn't think you have to be lovey dovey 24/7 or he cant express his passion super well as times

Outburst- Eunseok has a cap moon and moon/saturn aspects paired with a mutable mars so he doesn't express his emotions well or bottles them up which can lead to him getting triggered at random and having a spontaneous outburst out of NOWHEREEE due to suppressed feelings which can be super problematic to some

Insensitive- it’s not on purpose or with malicious intent but Eunseok can sometimes not realize that though a situation isn’t a big deal to him to someone else it might be, he also can forget the more subjective side of things which can accidentally hurt peoples feelings

Sungchan

Sensitive - His pride is high and his reaction to things may be 3x more dramatic than the actual event that happened. When he's been hurt emotionally (whether it was intentional or not) he has a hard time letting go of what happened and might even give a silent treatment until he feels you've shown remorse.

Insecure - He cares a lot about what other people think of him and that can bleed into his relationships. He might act one way in public but another way in private which can make his words/actions seem insincere or disingenuous.

Internal struggles- Has a hard time balancing his feminine side and masculine side and what I mean is he is someone super emotional and feels his emotions very deeply but might try to cover that side of him up with a masculine facade which can bring tension.

Wonbin

Avoidance - He might refuse to acknowledge the red flags or obvious shortcomings/problems in the relationship or himself and may take a long time fully accepting or facing these problems as they are or has a weak approach in attempting to fix or acknowledge the problems. Idealizes a lot of aspects and tends to withdrawal when things don’t match his vision.

Procrastination- Once again, has a hard time facing things head on and takes a while to put action into something and avoids the messier more negative emotions that one must face in relationships; he could also take a long time to let the relationship reach the next more serious levels.

Stubborn- It's hard to change his mind about certain things..in arguments he'll try to pull a "lets agree to disagree" but it's a topic where you both need to be on the same page. He might even just straight up go mute in arguments if he doesn't feel like his opinion was valued enough.

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your-fave-is-bi · 2 months

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Oh also we got together with some friends and we all hung out n did crafts for an entire afternoon the other day n it was so fun and chill AND

I finished all the pieces for my cardigan!

I’m gonna try n block it a little so the edges dont curl as much but!!! Cardigan!!! Almost wearable!!!

#personal tag #its like. cheap acrylic yarn so idk how nice it’ll be to wea #but i made this specifically so i could have like. a kind of baseline on how long a project like this would take/what issues i would bump in #i have learned that i do not ever want to leave the back panel for last again oh my god.#i cant let myself do that to myself again i can not give myself the longest n biggest piece for last #the sleeves r also different bc i lowkey followed a youtube knitter’s first pattern #but the first sleeve i made felt a little too balloon-y? so i did like one less row of increases on the second sleeve n that feels nicer #so yeah! this was always meant to be a tryout cardigan. to learn n assess n such #AND I FINISHED ALL THE PIECES OF IT!!!#i started it in late November i believe #and now i just gotta. block it. and learn how to sew it together. and do that. and then it’ll be done

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craycraybluejay · 6 months

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Bruh I be having literally the worst urges and I feel bad that I don't feel bad at all. Like damn. Guess I'm really like that. Well, anyway.

#i am apathetic to whatever monstrosities lie within my mindscape #or rather i enjoy them and am apathetic to the idea that they are evil #unfortunately the fact that I'm excited ab them makes me rly rly rly want to talk ab them #which would be bad #but if it gets bad enough i think its time i let my therapist in on the next circle of anouther hell #i know she will be kind no matter what i spring on her #but this. i dont know how to feel or what to think about all this #its pathological. i can fix it about as well as i can fix the fact that i adore music or get turned on by fear or am consistently-#-platonically or otherwise pulled to murderers and the like #i know its some psychosexual nonsense-- some fixation rooted in some perverse symbolism that i cant fully grasp #its so difficult to be a BadWrong thoughts and desires person #bc even tho i have like. some level of control and ethicsband whatnot. even tho im not doing the guilt ocd thing.#even though i know im ok the way i am #i also know i cant talk ab it. cant be excited about it. cant vent or happy rant about it. stay quiet. let it eat ya #cause ppl cant accept some things cant like. come to terms with things. again and again #i find myself relating more to 'good people' but being able to talk more openly and honestly with 'bad people'#like im too far from either side to ever be fully myself but i must let it out #and so i find i cant trust the people i love most with some of the most personal things more than i can trust a complete stranger #because at least that stranger has no spare room to judge. and i cant give af about losing a strangers high esteem of me #i share something truly heinous and sure i may be threatened but. disappointment from ppl u love is worse than murderous rage from strangers #which came first- the fixation or the corruption? i think it was the fixation #i was like that before. whatever false indulgences i have given myself will always sate the beast and not create it #i am not a bad person. but i will always have a monster inside me. a balancing act between #being a somewhat polite functioning member of society and completely losing myself to the dark #i dont hate myself. i wish i did sometimes so i wouldnt have the urge to vomit it all out #i wish i hated myself and felt such guilt over all that so i could be happy with being quiet. i wish it was only good that excited me proper #or rather i wish i knew someone like me in the right ways. irl. no phones no danger. who i could share with excitedly and not feel like ill #be told that im a freak who deserves to die. someone who will share equally horrific things with me and will keep me in check #i want talk therapy but with someone that has something SO wrong with them. a friendship that is nasty and fun and grossly honest #someone to say 'i know what ur talking ab/how u feel' when i say something pitch dark

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deadlysoupy · 5 months

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imagine they really do send bumblebee somewhere in season 2. and we will never know anything about him. i will fly to nickelodeon personally to kick their ass and take earthspark from them.

#im just preparing myself for the worst tbh #it probably is the worst they can do #that and make megatron a villain again #but they cant. they wont. i wont let them #god just give me season 2 already at this point i might start writing it myself #soups walkie talkie

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kimmkitsuragi · 1 day

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whew haha

#🗒#my mom is like 'ok it's set let's tell everyone' and im like 😭😭😭😭 !!!!!#are u sure!!!! are u sure it's set like ???? 😭😭😭#ughhhhhh after this much trust i will literally kill myself if i dont get ANY scholarship lmaooooo #but also like. is it set now!!!! really !!!!!!! is it !!!!!#(excited but horrified and anxious)#like. like like like........ like i mean #um........ for real now? like are we sure for sure ??#i honestly will be like 100% on my way to [redacted] and still be like haha. is it for real #are we sure . will this actually happen #that's. crazy man #i cant help but feel like im asking for too much again. ughhhhhhh #yes hello hi. this blog has been my main outlet for emotional breakdowns about the same subject for um #(checks notes) a few months now. truly is anyone else bored of this ? because im so over it #but also like. things just dont get clear !!!!!! ever !!!!!#how can i be sure how can anyone be sure that i will actually be going lmfaooooo #i hate this waiting period i hate it why cant i know if i got anything or nah. but please don't say nah #ughhhhhh . alright. whatever it's not like i care that much honestly -_-#(threatens to kill self every day a few times over this btw)#anyway um let's. be positive #it will go great tomorrow 🤩 they will want to give me money sooooo bad 😍#and i will receive an email this week 🤗 about the wait list thing for SURE 🥳#i am doing amazing dont worry guys. im sooooo chill rn #Sorry for the constant embarrassing personal posts lol

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girlcrushau · 1 month

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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

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widevibratobitch · 23 days

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.

#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

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opens-up-4-nobody · 10 months

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...

#let me express to u perhaps The frustration of my life #i like to learn. it is perhaps my favorite thing. new information. more more more constantly #but. my fucking brain is the fucking worst. because im not fucking stupid if i can focus and process the words being said i can understand #many things. i like to learn about math and physics and chemistry and biology and anatomy... ect concepts #but the focus and the processing of words is where we have problems. because i cannot focus for more than like 5min #i blink and suddenly ive been spaced out for a sec and need to reorient. i cant prioritize what to do 1st and im constantly bouncing betwee #tasks so nothing ever gets done and im too intimidated to start learning things. and when im trying to learn we habe the processing words #problem. like my reading comprehension is so fucking bad. like i will read a book on paper and maybe retain 25% of the info if im not #hardcore trying. for a class where i had to do a ton of paper reading. i had to read everything out loud to myself. highlight important #info. write myself a summary based on the highlights and then read the paper again before i could even begin to feel comfortable in #discussions. it was so fucking frustrating and miserable. ppl will give me physical books and im like thanks i cant fucking read sorry #too fucking dyslexic. read and listen they say. u have to read and listen at the same time bc i cant pay attention and i cant read #so if i do both then maybe the info gets in. thats y i have to read aloud but i hate it and still get distracted #i mean. i probably just have an attention problem. its also really annoying that my short term working memory is so awful #bc in order to make things make sense i have to draw or write them out. i cant judt go off the top of my head or i get stuck saying thr sam #thing over and over and over. its like my ability to think is extremely shallow. but thrn i read papers and recognize concepts from classes #i took years ago and im like. fucking y cant i know what i know? my head feels so empty but info is in there somewhere #its just so fucking frustrating that i love understanding systems so much. complex annoying little systems that fit together like a puzzle #and my fucking brain refuses to accept the information im trying to get in there. so i return to a remark left on my dyslexia assignment:#intelligent when not constrained by language or time. thanks. unfortunately language is how ppl communicate #also i freak out under time pressure lol. anyway ive just been reading papers for fun this weekend and remembering y i dont: bc its agony #but also i fucking love the concepts so much and i need a good understanding of photosynthesis before August when i join a photosynthesis #lab lmao. ugh. i love learning but my brain was not buildmt #built for it. if only if only someone could podcast about the obscure things im interested in while reading directly from the source #unrelated #also its like 105 degrees plus. its too fucking hot out #thats like 40 degrees C. the sun is like a death ray

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problemcore · 4 months

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its bad out here folks

#cried at work. boss told me i can go home but i feel soooo bad about missing a day #everyone understands but god i feel like a leech #i have to like grab myself by shoulders and yell THEY WILL NOT FALL APART WITHOUT YOU. THEY WILL WORK AS USUAL.#THEY ALL LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU #i kind of want to cry again #chris noises #misc #its not even about 'letting myself be selfish'#<- which is good and correct in its own right #but im literally falling apart trying to do everything at once #im stressing myself out so much and im not giving myself a well deserved break #and it doesnt matter how much i tell myself i need a break #i cant give myself a break.

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nomaishuttle · 6 months

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i literally have completionist brain but for real life and like. not a fun way for me to play games Definitely not a fun way for me to live irl

#bc in games like. skyrim or what have you i do nottt play them right ik there isnt a right way to play them #but i do every single quest and i pick the options thtall give me the best rewards etc and it just isnt very fun. and rhe point is that its #a role playing game so i should roleplay and if i want to see what happens if i pick the other options i just Make anew save instead of #reloading over and over again. and yet #and its not fun in the sims bc j literally judt force them to max their skills get highest level in their careers complete theiraspirations #and then im just like. ok. and it ends up making my sims games so samey and not fun bc ill Make sims thatr different from eachother but #well. 1. sims 4 sims do not act different from eachother Lmao you Can pick different traits but the most u get is moodlets and maybe 2-5 #dialogue options. not that much... vs like skms 3 where each trait could change up a sim a lot #butttt whatever. anyways...#but yeah irl im like Noooo i cant just do this 1 good job bc there are all these other jobs i also need to do i cant pick one major i have #to do all of them i cant Not be able to romance this person !! but real life isnt a video game and that mindset fucking sucks for videogame #anyway... like i like completing a game but i wish i didnt let it ruin games 4 me #bc it rly does i never finish games anymore bc i stress myself out over 100% it...#and i make too many spreadsheets abt them. but i love spreadsheets :[[[[#i should go back to sdv again.. and return to an old save thats another thing #ill obsess iver a game to the point i burn out completely and stop playing and then ill get the urge to play again #but i start a new save and inevitably burn out again and its like ! the devil

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snekdood · 1 year

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Whats pretty frustrating for me is that i know theres people who think of my preferences as like. Super unrealistic or something... as if i dont already know that. like.

The whole point is that im literally so scared of getting with other people that if they arent like the person i want to be with in my head, i dont trust them. It has nothing really to do with how "attractive" they are, rather, i self isolated for a while in highschool, realized that my base emotional feelings towards others was mistrust, and decided at that time it was impossible to find trustworthy people so I instead decided to go inwards and essentially "make up" people that i could trust. Because part of me really REALLY doesnt want to believe this is a cold heartless world where you cant trust anyone, I then would try instead to find these people externally. I know its not realitisc but I still havent met someone outside of my characters who I feel like I can fully trust.

#and now even especially after that abusive relationship #where someone knew this and then decided to betray me anyways #not giving an inch of a fuck how my trust is effected or how the rest of my life will be #like they essentially sealed for me that i cant trust anyone ever again and the only people i can trust is my ocs.#ive yet to be proven otherwise.#mood #so yeah. me being like 'ur not good enough for me lol 😜' is me coping with the fact that i dont feel like anyone is good enough to trust.#and ig my effort to socially shame people into trying to be trustworthy enough to be with me if they want it that bad lol #probably not a good thing but i also dont want to get hurt anymore !#kinda tired of getting really close to people only for thme to betray my trust like! i dont think yall understand.#i retreated into myself for years bc of csa. i finally open myself up back to the world. find someone who PRETENDS ro be everything i want #and everything i can trust in a person. literally told this person so much about myself. so much more than ibe told literally any other #physical person. i got so extremely vulnerable eith this person like with no one before. only for them to do a 180 and sexually abuse me #also. and yall expect me to walk awya from this situation unscathed and unbothered and i just need to let myself fall in love with like #anyone and everyone 🤪 when theyve essentially sealed the fate of me never being able to trust another external person ever again.#and then yall wonder why i wanna burn the earth over.

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flamboyant-king · 2 years

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Hey gu ys

play b ug fabl es

#Sorry ive been dead. Ive started a nother job maybe second job because i still wanna make donuts #i feel so bad. Ive been feeling bad. Ive lost my ambition to draw. Im stuck. No inspiration or dreams anymore #I feel because im going to be stuck in a cycle of being in a job never that ive dreamed i should give up my passion #I know i know it can be a side thing and i know i just started actually working but #Ive been beaten down so much my hopes and strength really is leaving me #Im so tired. Im so old. I want someone or a parallel self to make the things i can never do #Make the comics the games the art that would bring me joy and happiness #Its too much effort for a shell of an egg like myself #But hey i started playing games again and reading webcomics and the freetime at work can let me watch shows #Drawing…i dont know anymore.. i never was anything special or having a will #Ive ran out of energy in general to be who i was. All i am now is tired. I miss wiwi #That aside play this game. Its fun charming and cute heeho. I did make sketches for the characters #But i cant bring myself to post art anymore. Maybe someday. But not…now…

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jadeneppy · 1 year

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WHEEEEE