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diabolicalvixen · 10 months

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hello, i just want you to know that you were one of the few artists my 11-year-old ayayui-rotted brain clung to!!!

now, 8 years later, i'm back in tumblr and i checked out the ayayui tag AND I SQUEALED WITH JOY when i saw you!!!

thank you so much for the wonderful art. (to this day i cannot get that seggsy ayayui basketball art you drew lol)

I wish I can tell you how much your message means to me, this made me a little teary eyed

trigger warning: depression talk below

8 years ago was just about 1 year before my depression peaked, and also the last time I heavily pushed out art before I stopped almost completely. I can tell you exactly because I started therapy at the end of 2020, and before that it took me almost 3 years to admit to myself that I need help. I wasn't ever in danger of unaliving myself but those were still some dark times. My diary from those years is so sad, that I can't bear to read it. But I still vividly remember one very personal entry that I want to share with you to convey to you what you did for me (and past me) today with that message

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(this is paraphrased + translated)

December 2019

I haven't picked up a pen or a brush in what feels like forever and I don't know if I ever will again. I feel like a failure. My art looks like crap compared to others. It's messy and simple and you can tell i just wanted to get it finally done at one point. I bet no one uses that much references as I am. I want to delete it all. I don't even want to call myself an artist when I look at my stuff, that's just embarrassing. It looks so much better in my head, but my hand can't replicate what my mind sees.

Maybe it's a good thing Mom and Dad talked me out of studying art. My portfolio is cringe. I don't even know if this current degree is going anywhere, I haven't studied in a while either, I'll probably fail my exams. Whatever, I'll try next semester again.

I told people online that "I'm back" like a 100 times already, but no one cares anymore. That's the internet, if you stop pushing out content, you'll become irrelevant. Can't blame them. That's life I guess. I want to draw but I can't, it's not fun anymore. I'm not creative anymore. Where did it all go? Why do I feel so tired all the time? Maybe I'm just lazy. Even this entry almost took up all of my energy for today.

I slept 12 hours and I'm still tired.

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A bit melodramatic but that's how I essentially felt like all the time, thinking about my art just made me spiral even more. I did receive some supportive and loving messages during those years and I have every one of them screenshotted and saved on my computer, but back then they were only able to pull me out for a very short time before I slipped into my black hole again. I had little bursts of creativity here and there but nothing compared to how it was before. Most of it I didn't even post because I ended up hating it.

I had my very last therapy appointment about three months ago and even though I'm in a much better place now, I'm still coming to terms with closing that chapter from my life. Something about your message made me very sentimental today - in a good way.

Thank you for liking my art 8 years ago. Thank you so much for still recognizing and remembering me 8 years later (!!!) and thank you for taking some time out of your day to message me! This truly made my whole month already, and we only have 2nd of July!

(about that seggsy basketball art, I reposted it a while ago - even though every fiber of my being cringed so hard 😂)

#ask #sorry for being emotional on alt

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cirusthecitrus · 1 year

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Ab your tags on the screenshot post:

My gosh we were SO CHEATED not getting to see what Prime did in Hordaks lab also the idea of him just leaving the vessel in the lab till Adora shows up got us thinking ab Anri (Primevessel oc) secretly wandering about Hordak’s lab trying to learn more ab Hordak while Prime is away

IKR?? And the lack of any reaction from Prime when he visited the Fright Zone was kinda dissapointing. Yes he saw Hordak's memories earlier, but it's not the same as to actually be there and see everything with your own eyes. I don't need him to be impressed or whatever, any kind of reaction would do - disgust, anger, cringe, amusement, some condescening commentary at least. Distress even lol (how was he not afraid of catching every disease there?)

I remember I had so many ideas for this "missing scene"

Either something silly:

Like what if Imp (who was actually hiding in Hordak's sanctum all that time) suprise attacks Prime and demands to know where his dad is, but before HP can do anything about it Adora and co arrive

Or during his monologue he'd stop himself to say something like "Look at this, just what he did to MY symbols, he desecrated everything! How could he ruin my aesthetic? I cannot believe that he made everyone on this planet call this JOKE the Evil Horde. What a disgrace!"

Or something more serious:

Like, while waiting for the heroes Horde Prime searches through Hordak's notes and logs. All the earlier notes are all about Hordak trying to return to the Galactic Horde, trying to "fix" himself for Prime, about Hordak missing his home and hating himself. But then he begins to think more and more about his life on Etheria, his changes in himself, about Imp and Entrapta, and less and less about Prime. Aghh it'd be so satisfying to watch that smug grin slowly fade from Prime's face

Or just a tiny quiet moment of Horde Prime staring at one of the tanks with failed clones. His expression strange and hard to read. Who knows what he might be thinking about

Anyway, oh! your ask got me thinking - what in fact happens to Prime's vessel when he jumps from body to body? Does HP still controls his main body somehow or it just goes limb like a rag doll? And does it become just an empty body or (like in your idea) the clone who was chosen to be Prime's vessel regains consciousness and takes control of the body again? And yeah, can that vessel then just get up and go about their secret vessel business? XD

Damn it's so interesting but also very, very dark. What is it like for these poor vessels to be trapped in their own body? Do they fall into something like a coma or hibernate, or they still can see, hear and feel everything, but can't move or speak? Absolutely terrifying

#replies #ramblings #spop #horde prime #she ra #horde clones #spop meta #hordak #imp #fragmentedcrystalcollective

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