#i do not why i am so fucking emotional and have to feel everything so much

[hella1975]

‘andrew goes to the roof bc his fear of heights reminds him that he’s Human and Can Feel’ is the most wattpad angst kind of shit and it SHOULD be laughable in the same way ‘neil doesn’t smoke he just lights his cigarette bc the smell reminds him of his dead mother’ is laughable but in all honesty if i think about it for more than 2 seconds i WILL start sobbing violently

#I HAVE AN EXAM IN THREE HOURS. WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT HIM #like. he wants to feel he wants to be human there’s a part of him that desperately craves that despite everything he says and does #to contradict that despite everyone calling him monster every fucking day of his life #he actively chases an environment that unsettles him and makes him uncomfortable #because the very existence of those emotions comforts him. he has been so fucking dehumanised his entire life #by EVERYONE his family his fosters his friends the COURT. how do you make sense of that #HE SHOULDVE BEEN AT THE CLUBBBBBB #andrew minyard #aftg

[moenmomentsthemoe-en]

#tomorrow..................... #delete later #vent #more vent in tags (it gets heavy sorry) #it is like 4am and ik theres a rule that you should never trust what you feel about your life after 3am but i feel like this 24/7 WAHA #mann i #im so fucking scared that im not a good person or friend or anything im trying so hard #i dont know why i feel hurt by things i shouldnt feel hurt by and i dont know why i keep failing to do the things i want to do or #god it probably isnt right for me to vent. i think? i dont know honestly i dont know anything #i dont know anything #i have such amazing friends and people around me theyre good people #im so tired and am so very tempted to just delete this blog delete my socials and disappear off earth or just live as a husk by ignoring al #my emotions and incapabilities and stop bothering everyone #everything is so so confusing and everything has gone to shit around me but the people around me arent at fault theyre good people #it has to be that im not trying hard enough #god i have no idea if im a good person. i dont know if a good person has this much trouble and dumbassery #i am. an adult. 18. adult. i have to be #god i wish i could have an adult to help me out but its just. its just me. its a problem i made and surely only i can figure it out

[sleep-sounds-nice-rn]

I need to stop thinking about him I need to stop thinking about him I need to stop thinking about him

#and I can't just get high when I don't wanna deal with problems bc that's not ok #it's so weird to go from being rlly good friends to casual hookups to nothing at all #I don't even know how to move on bc we were never together and I don't even have romantic feelings for him anymore #I just really miss him #not just the physical stuff but I miss being friends and laughing together #and I know I have a right to be mad at him to some extent but I also feel like if I was less emotional then everything would be fine #he's probably just one of those guys that loses interest after sex but why am I still bothered even tho it's been months #I really cared about him and it hurts to be so distant #I feel like i've fucked everything up bc I got mad at him when really I was mad at myself and my insecurities and also him for ghosting me #but I shouldn't have gotten mad bc we were on good terms and now everything is weird again #and I need to get better and regulating my emotions so I don't do impulsive shit #everything is just rlly weighing on me #it's so strange that we didn't talk for over a month then I got high and texted him and now everything is so much more messy #I want to be completely over him but a part of me still holds on and imagines what could have been #if he had been in love with me or if I hadn't been so overbearing

[iamthekarmapolice]

every couple of hours the reality of what im doing sinks in and i just go 'oh god oh fuck' for two minutes straight.

#i was feeling so confident and optimistic this morning too #what do you mean i have to open a bank account in my foreign country all by myself #just trying to get myself to feel + process my emotions as quickly as possible #my mistake when i was heading to the states in 2018 was repressing and denying everything i felt and it made things weird and bad #this is fucking terrifying!!!! why am i doing this!!!!!!

[babygirlcowboy]

Washed my hair for the first time in a week 🥹🥹 made myself a meal 🥹🥹🥹 gonna maybe do something baking 🥹🥹🥹

#okay im sorry but i need to share some mentally ill thoughts just to get them out of my brain #so uhhh #disordered eating cw #<- like heed that warning please #anyway uhhhhh #i really desperately want to binge eat #bc the last week i have been.. severely neglectful of my physical needs so moral of the story...hungry 🧍 #but ive been in this game long enough to know that if i eat a big meal rn....i will fuvking die #like level 5 tummy hurt...will most likely throw the fuck up #so...i am desperately trying to hold myself back from doing that #but every fiber of my being wants me to go into the kitchen and eat everything in sight rapid dog style #like i just had a nice breakfast #i am not physically hungry anymore #but its just the #'I've been without proper nutrients for the last 5 days and now my body wants them all' mixed with the #'i had a stressful week and i know that pack of oreos in the pantry would feel so fucking good' #like its so emotional based #which is even harder to deal with then the physical shit #gooooooooood #why did god have to give his toughest battle ((literally just eating the proper amount of food)) to his dumbest soldier ((me))

[strwbrymlkshake]

ohh I do want to pass away why am I so stupid

#mine #🎸 #why am i such a terrible person 😇 genuinely what the fuck #me when i want to cry and tear my skin off over a minor mistake ufhdshdjfjg can i stop being fucking stupid for once #crying over a mistake right NOW actually everything is so difficult i dont know what im supposed to do in these situations!!!!!!! #i get in trouble for not knowing what to do in social situations then i have to apologize and i didnt know THAT either. #bashing my head against the wall violence maiming killing death torture bloodletting slicing tearing defenestrating murdering annihilating #me anmd my epic autism powers. shouldnt i know better why csnt you understand!!! who is at fault here! i dont even know #ashshsjdksjfklsfke im wanna cry so hard everything sucks right now im too busy for this shit. for Emotions #why are you punishing me do you hate me?! did you never even like me at all are you trying to make me mad!!! why #im so tired and frustrated i want everything to go perfectly but its not nothing can be perfect in this terrible world he is going to hate #me now. hell why do i have urges like this it always ruins everything im being so selfish arent i aren't i arent i !!!!!!!! why cant we #be FUCKING compatible and perfect snd everything what is the problem am i the problem?!?? why cant you understsnd what im trying to tellyou #maybe it really would just be better if i died nothing good has happened or is going to happen to me since he probably hates me and #my life sucks!!!!! my face hurts from crying i cant cry properly it hurts it feels so hot why cant it end already!!!!!!! why cant #we be perfect like we are supposed to why cant you UNDERSTAND it seems easy to understand to ME whwueh i am mortified my throat hurts #my head hurts i hate this world why couldnt i resist why did i have to be vulnerable id be better off if. well i dont know #i do want to crush bones and flesh beneath my hands to be honest i dont KNOW i thought it was going well i thought it was good #the thread i am hanging on by is quite thin actually why do i care so much why do i care so little im going to explode right meow!!! #my mood is so ruined i dont know if im even used to this whole thing i cannot get in particular moods im so. rgrhrhggr none of this post #is going to make sense i just need to say words while crying then itll be fine probably #this is just another one of god's little tests i think that everyone will hate me no matter what in the end so i have to enjoy it while #it lasts. no matter how hard i try everything always ends up the same way. all this started because of my mistakes and itll end with them

[hella1975]

i need to read more books and annotate in the margins i need to write more i need to buy jeans that fit me i need to eat more fruit i need to buy good quality headphones i need to get a skincare routine i need to talk to my friends more i need to wash my hair i need to stop treating this inhabitation as a curse. i am tired of punishing the body that has fought me for survival every day for years. i deserve little treats as regularly as possible !!

#more money would also be good but! we are working on it <3 this is a team effort im bored of being in a perpetual bar fight with myself #like sorry i havent answered my texts in months or barely sustain personal hygeine but that bitch (points at mirror) chucked a drink at me #it's okay tho we are in our enemies to lovers arc #just had a really vivid sudden 'i am in this body' moment and let me TELL you when you spend 90% of the time feeling a very #set seperation between your emotional self and physical self that is INCREDIBLY fucking jarring lmao. like oh this is me #the freckles on my fingers are just as much me as my years long loyalty to specifically prawn cocktail pringles. okay #that's cool. cool cool cool that's so cool so everything that's happened to me physically is still me okay cool #coooool cool cool. super cool btw. very angry for myself rn which never happens i normally just get angry at myself #LIKE THIS IS MY BODY! WHY DO I HAVE TO DRINK IT INTO BED AND HURT IT FOR NO REASON! WHY DO I LET PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH SO MUCH! #'i'll take care of you it's rotten work especially to me especially if it's you i'll do it but christ alive' except it's me and my body #like yeah im not happy about it bossman but we're stuck together. let's get you some nice clothes

[savage-rhi]

I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.

#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to #place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like #LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee #so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of #people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take #a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM) #the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore #ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team #but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up #graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made #my adhd brain go WELL SHIT #ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do #love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving #people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt #but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel #amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou #life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i #just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive #but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present #and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now #on a positive note... #my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made #a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little #im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor #i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it #but damn it im tired #thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave #if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you #please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you

[sick-as-a-dog]

×

#just the thought of him not loving me the same way and amount i love him makes me want to slice myself up #ill only stop cutting when i cant feel anything anymore not pain not love just emptiness #just want to be with master but dont want to make him stressed out because im too dependent and reliant on him #why cant i just feel my emotions the right way or a normal amount or at least less strong? why am i like this? #why cant i love like a human and why must that shit be so complicated? why am i so feralminded? #and why cant i feel my loves separately? should i even? or am i not understanding it right? why do i feel everything wrong? #why must i love him like a wild animal loves its lifelong mate? but also like how that animal loves the taste of prey and hungers for it? #like a dog loves its master and feels the unending loyalty and unconditional love overtake remaining wolflike instinct #like a best friend i also wish to do stereotypical romantic and domestic things with and so much more #i want to be bound to him in any way possible marriage and collars and microchips and blood pacts and marking and such #but im so scared he wont want that anymore i want to stop feeling i need to completely stop feeling and worrying but i cant #even when im emotionally numb i still feel that canine love for him even if just a glimmer #i wish i knew what he thinks love is and what hes comfortable with and how he felt and experienced love and if he still loves me like #he did before he came out as aro....im scared to bring up how calling himself aro and me his exception actually hurts and idk if i should #tbh him saying hes aro yet says he loves me feels like when a close friend keeps saying they dont have any friends while youre right there #like my existence makes his identity a lie or a betrayal to him i cant shake the gross feeling that hes forcing himself to stay for my sake #....hell am i even his exception anymore? what did he mean by same amount but not the same? what changed? did anything actually change? #wish i could figure out what love is and how to feel it right..esp dont understand romantic or queerplatonic or anything its all confusing #i want to take on the world with him and stop being an emotional wreck so we can fuck anyone together like we swore to #i just want to live the rest of my life by his side and i want to experience all we can together #picnics and movies and living together and sharing a nest and....idk i just want to be with him forever and hope he still feels the same #it would literally kill me if he ever left or fell out of love i think i would lose whats left of my mind and end up bleeding myself dry #i want us to be together forever and never ever stop being mates but i cant help but be terrified and confused and hurt

[an-absolute-nightmare]

man what the fuck i spent fifteen years of my life in school and i somehow came out not knowing how to handle my emotions OR balance a chequebook

#i am! overwhelmed with gratitude over a ton of things this week!!! #and it's as distressing to be overwhelmed with gratitude as it is to be with the more negative emotions like anger or sadness apparently!!! #like i don't know how to handle being happy as much as i didn't know how to handle being sad #and one would think i'd have some financial skills or some basic street smarts to show for it But NO!!!! NOT EVEN THAT!!! #why do we even go to school what's the fucking point #other than the stress dreams i still have and the way i'm having to relearn doing things for the sake of doing them instead of for marks #what did i ever gain from school #like the last time i learnt anything i care about in school i think i was ten? everything after that has been just. #i don't like to use that word lightly but it feels like everything after that age has been just trauma piling #the schooling system as it stands is so fucking pointless and it's even more prominent after leaving school than it was during it

[mikoran]

finished watching the good place and feel like going on so many existential tirades right now oh god what has this show done

#the good place #what the FUCK #and im gonna wake up and go to school tomorrow like i didnt just contemplate my own mortality for two hours the night prior #all of my friends are gonna die one day and so will everyone else i love and care about and everything is gonna end one day #and yet somehow that ending is what gives those things meanings and purpose and significance i hate everything #we are BALLS of BONE and FLESH WHY DO WE FEEL THINGS #this was a terrible idea i hate you for this evolution #and the show is a comedy too how did it do this #ill wake up tomorrow and be fine i swear but not really #i wish i could just have emotional closure with things yknow #because logically i hear things and i can accept them as a proper way to go about things #or at leasts accept that theyd work for me as a form of emotional closure or a way to solve whatever problem it is #but emotionally i dont learn and the feelings and anxieties are still there because i cant believe them #i can know those things i can accept them logically because they make so much sense #but then when its just about how i feel logic has like no effect #emotions suck i hate them #just like listen to the logic PLEASE ITD MAKE THINGS SO MUCH EASIER #i should go to therapy #sorry to all my followers for this you guys definitely didnt sign up for my existential crises at 2 am #itll go back to normal later dw