#i feel like such a lump of a person

[clamorybus]

i should've gone to college

#i suck at school so bad and id be 1000s of dollars in debt but the rest of it would've been good for me #being independent. talking to people. etc #mickey.txt #its hitting me really hard again. that im almost 25 #quarantine started when i was still 21 #aside from my one job last january i haven't really interacted with people outside of my family in years #i feel like im so far behind where i need to be mentally and socially #and because i can't drive i can't do much about it #ive said it before but my homelife is very comfortable and stable #and its hard to complain about napping with my dogs everyday #but i know i can't live life like this forever #but i don't know what the next step to take is i feel so far behind #i really wish the pandemic never happened #i had a job for once. i was starting to make connections. i had money #but now i have nothing #well not NOTHING #but you know what i mean #i feel like such a lump of a person #like im a passenger of my own life #im not *miserable*. but im so far behind and im really scared

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

idk if this is still the case but when i was really In It in animorphs feelings a couple years ago because i was unemployed for the first time in my adult life / temporarily living alone in the last house my family lived in / freaking out about climate change / generally Going Through It, and like poking around the animorphs scene on tumblr, there was this notion commonly expressed that rachel and tobias were "toxic," the major piece of evidence for which was the scene in 33 where she "tries to trap him in human morph." which like first of all i'm SOOOOOO SORRRY that the fucking fifteen-year-olds secretly fighting a guerrilla war in which their greatest threat is the mind-controlling slugs they're trying to save humanity from but their second greatest threat is the diminishing hourglass of their collective sanity as they all have to work steadily harder and more desperately to not just completely lose their shit entirely from all the violence and literal 24/7 constant threat and murder that is happening, like i'm sorry two literal children who have managed in this ongoing horror show to forge a bond of loyalty and affection and care and attraction and understanding that can act as a kind of solace neither of them have any other way to access, sorry those actual murder babies sometimes have some communication problems. lmao. but also it's insane to me that people read that scene (in which they're dancing to, i'm not making this up, iris by the goo goo dolls - i mean they don't tell us the song but it's a slow goo goo dolls number that even tobias knows, so - they're dancing to iris by the goo goo dolls at a school dance that is not going well because they are both awkward about the newfound public Officialness of their relationship and rachel who is the only one of them who has ever been capable of socializing like a normal person is in a particularly bad mood because of the emotional hangover of her starfish adventure [great concept executed terribly in the previous book], and then like after two entire minutes of letting himself feel some nice emotions tobias spots the clock and starts leaving to go demorph and then rachel runs after to him to awkwardly attempt to share that she is very fucked up about how insane she has become and she wants to hold on to things like school dances and also this is all happening in a hallway by a student poster on red tailed hawks that states their lifespan of a handful of years in the wild, it's so good) as rachel trying to trap tobias in morph, when like, first of all, "good thing happening -> time to punish myself for feeling nice for 5 whole seconds " is like THEE tobias thought pattern because he's the number one kidlit trauma baby of all time, like truly the first time i dove back into the series i was struck by how well his narrative voice captures Child Of Insane Family Dysfunctionality, he is NOT a reliable narrator on this, but also second, and more saliently, like, believing this scene is rachel attempting to trap tobias in morph requires that you believe rachel, all by herself, made a plan in advance and then attempted to execute it, which is a skill we literally never see her demonstrate even one fucking time outside of the comfortingly familiar hunting ground of the mall

#animorphs #i have a hard visceral aversion to personally adopting ADHD headcanons in general #(you do you idc about people's headcanons but like #this is one that reliably does not do it for me [person with ADHD] and which also often makes me feel weird for vague reasons #but again like this is not an Argument or a Criticism have your fun it's simply not for me) #BUT. someone once said they headcanon rachel as ADHD. #and that is... the ONLY time i have ever read that and been like 'oh wow no okay yeah that tracks' #which honestly thinking on it now i feel like sort of helps me articulate why i'm usually like 'her?' #bc i feel like i tend to see it as like 'this would be cute/relatable/fun to project on to' (you do you not for me) #or i see it based on like... a perception of general ADHD Vibes #which like. on the one hand i get. there can be Vibes. there's a reason the set of people i Enjoy A Lot has ADHD overrepresented on it. #but personally i am like. but where are the scenes of them ruining their own life for reasons attributable to ADHD traits #i don't personally get anything out of lumping people into a DSM category with me if they are not also constantly ruining their own lives #like i can just relate to them because we have similar Vibes. that's plenty. #but rachel................. #the scenes of rachel constantly ruining her own life because of her inability to think for 5 seconds before speaking or acting ever. like. #that's in every book rachel ever has #she literally has a line at one point like 'i don't know why i say these things. they just pop out of my stupid mouth.' girl same... #anyway. speaking of ADHD. i have GOT to stop letting myself 'just check tumblr a little bit' while i'm waiting for the adderall to hit

[jewishbarbies]

do you actually HATE hate taylor or are you just annoyed with all the attention she gets? cuz its never healthy to be this fixated on hating somebody (not a swiftie btw this isnt a taylor defense post she sucks haha)

kind of? like, no, I’m not festering every minute of the day thinking about much I hate her kind of “hate”, but I hate everything she represents and her perpetual antisemitism, racism, and nazi fanbase. and since I have no reason to believe she doesn’t know about any of that, and is instead just choosing to do whatever makes her the most money, yes I do hate her to some degree. I feel like people take the word “hate” too seriously sometimes, because it’s honestly a spectrum. nothing bad is going to happen to me because of hate taylor swift. my mental health has not been impacted and neither has my physical health. so I guess people can take it however it appears to them, but there’s no fixation to this hatred. it’s like people who say they “hate” a certain kind of cheese, music, etc. it’s just not That deep and never will be.

#Asks #anonymoose #anti taylor swift #swifties dni #there’s different kinds of hate #and I feel like people tend to lump it all into (1) singular experience #and that’s just not how it works #at least not for me in my own personal experience

[henry-fox-biggest-stan]

“Omg Edward and Bella are so Odysseus and Penelope coded” that’s how it sounds to me each time anyone compares a mlm ship to achilles and patroklos

#just say that you only know 3 mlm couples and move on #no one makes that kind of comparasions with straight couples no one #yknow why #because no one lumps them together! they are allowed to be different even if they have physical similarities! #yes this is specifically about rwrb heartstopper and yr #they are like the big three' regarding mIm fiction and i just dont get it?? #plus they are ALWAYS compared to tsoa achilles and patroklos #sure theyre good but they are all treated like they are the same thing like all the characters are similar #spoiler alert they arent #(straight) people mix their personalities together to make a palpable smoothie that they can drink and say ‘oh im such an ally dont you see’ #plus when comparing them to achilles and patroklus they mean tsoa patrochilles obviously #because their characters are SO BLAND in that book that their personality can be altered for personal enjoyment and still be same #‘alex and henry and charlie and nick and simon and wilhelm are SO achilles and patroclus😍🥺’ #do you know literally any other mlm fictional couple? have you ever read a mlm book written by a gay guy? #because as far as i know heartstopper rwrb and yr arent made by gay guys #and while that is fine the representation is very good and alice and casey are both queer #i have the suspicion that the straight women that say that have never read anything writtenby a gay guy because i did and let me tell you #they write things very differently they are unapologetically queer they arent palpable to *that* straight audience #yknow i love casey and not saying their books arent queer (they absolutely are) but for example heartsopper since its idealized #its not something that make you feel the struggles and the hate etc so strsight audiences can binge on it without seeing themselves #reflected on the homophobic characters or have their own prejudices be turned upside down #anyway fck madeline miller fck fetishizing borderline homophobic women who only read mlm and for the love of god leave rwrb and yr ALONE #rwrb #young royals #heartstopper #achilles #patroklos #achilles and patroclus

[spurgie-cousin]

snarking on people for their beliefs (which they choose) is fine, appearance (which they cannot control) is not cool. i’m glad you get it, spurgie. going after warden’s looks as a kid is a low blow and it gives me the ick. his family had a literal confederate shrine in their home and some people are more concerned about his eyebrows ten years ago?

Right, exactly. "Snark" communities for fundamentalists are so frustrating for that reason, the mean-spirited bullshit from people who are just looking to shit on someone they feel superior to can drown out all the legit criticism about the genuinely harmful aspects of fundie/fundie lite culture. It also makes it easier for other people to write off the worthwhile conversations being had, because they look around at the groups as a whole and just see a bunch of people body shaming and threatening to call CPS on Carlin Stewart bc she didn't cut her kids' grapes small enough.

Idk it's just unfortunate that this topic attracts unhappy people who care more about having a place where they can openly be awful than talking about the actual cultural implications of these communities. Like with the state of global politics, we really need to be paying attention to the far-right Christians who not only hold dangerous beliefs but try to spread them as much as possible. There are just so many other things worth talking about than how a 7 year old looks and it makes the community as a whole look so stupid and unserious.

#its why i dont like to call myself a snarker bc i don't want to be lumped in with the people from like facebook #who i genuinely find disgusting for the most part #fundie snark #like im not above jokes obviously but scroll through a fundie snark fb group's comments and you'll see so many just truly nasty things #that serve no purpose other than ?? i dont even know. making the person saying them feel better about themselves ig

[marshmellowtea]

your own personal feelings on rpf aside, i feel like more people need to realize that treating writing characters played by youtubers as rpf is extremely fucking stupid lmao. like, if a youtuber is putting on a silly outfit and playing pretend, that is not them anymore, even if they share a name. when markiplier puts on a space suit and says "i am an engineer on this spaceship" that is not mark from real life anymore and it is incredibly stupid to treat them the exact same way.

#tbh i feel like this attitude has died down a lot recently #like people are slightly more capable of telling when a youtuber is doing a character and are more able to treat that entity as a character #but i still see it happen far too often where people lump in writing fic about a youtuber's character as being the same as writing fic abou #the real actual person behind the character which is annoying as fuck because no! those are two different things! my god! #nothing in particular spurred this post on btw it's just one i've been thinking about for a while lmao #it's one of my biggest pet peeves #discourse #marshy speaks

[polygondotcomvideoproducer]

my life is naught but a cycle of *hopes that's nothing* *hopes that's nothing* *hopes that'll go away on its own* *hopes that's nothing* *hopes that nothing will come of that for a long time* *hopes that's n

#personal #like one of my ongoing concerns is some tooth stuff I should probably see a dentist about #some back and hand stuff that would probably be improved by less time in the desk chair and more time doin stretches #but the one of the past half hour is uh #slightly gross so feel free not to read. like this is just a vent post really #but I felt a lump in uhhhh a sensitive area #one that I don't think is a standard area of acne for most people? not that I've discussed it w people but #it is an area I've gotten acne in for sure #but it felt. uh. a lil different ig #it burst kinda like a pimple. but I'm paranoid #not only bc it was big and in a weird area #but also bc now I'm feeling lightheaded on and off #could be unrelated. just seems weird that i only started feeling faint after bursting that thang and like #even if they're unrelated and being faint will pass. I still feel a mass under there #god I hope it's just acne brewing #I'm already behind on work just on account of being fucking incapable of doing anything but Fuck All #can't really afford a medical issue rn #I mean in a financial sense I can afford it it's fine we got the nhs #it's just that I do not know how to book doctor's appointment and I'm living w my parents #so I'd have to tell them about it and aaaaaaaahhhhhh #so it had damn well better go away #be nothing. or else 👊 #my body shouldn't play these games of chicken with me I'll let us die to avoid being an inconvenience motherfucker #update from like an hour or two later: it's already starting to go away. the power of Not Worrying About It

[sodrippy]

my parents being like "we always call you, you never call us so we're not gonna call anymore" is so 🧍 like ok. we just wont talk then? bye forever

#they act like its a personal slight against them like ok man you know i dont make phone calls and it makes more sense for you to call anyway #like they used to call in their morning whenever they were free and im always free so it doesnt matter #anyway whatever im sorry like i get that maybe they feel like we dont put in the effort but like #1. youre lumping me in w my bastard brother and we are just not the same 2. you did this! we're not close bc you were bad at being parents! #sorry but guilt trips dont work on me i just dont really care 👍

[parallaxabomination]

my brain is so full of stress it might explode. but ill do my best to keep putting out my best and stay kind to myself and others. but man, is it hard

#i wish i had something for myself rn #but i come home so exhausted i cant even focus on art #everything has been burning me so thin #i keep talking down my own art now. i keep refunding clients. i honestly want to give up on everything #people tell me i do a good job but i dont see it. i dont see an artist whos worth anything right now. #i dont know if thats a phrase #i have a early morning shift tomorrow and i cant fall asleep #i want to just rest but im so restless #i dont want to put pressure on anyone besides myself bc i feel like a huge burden #if i do so #everyone else should be having a good time #so i feel like a bummer to take up their emotional space and time #i appreciate the kindness people have shown me recently #i know i work hard. but im still so broken over everything #i just havent felt like an artist since it happend #he left a bigger scar on my ego than i thought it would #and every time i voice it i feel someone is out to end me for it #but at the same time i feel completely unnoticed and unheard #i dont expect anyone to see me as me #i just feel this lump in my throat now. this weight on my hand #they say kind things but im so hurt inside i dont see it as truth right now. i dont see anything worth admiring #they say such sweet things and i want to accept them so bad because my heart needs it #but i cant help but feel the words die as they reach my ears. im just too hurt i cant see it #i cant see the truth in my work all i see is someone else's desire in their commission #as long as they are happy. as long as they are satisfied #thats all that matters #i dont feel important enough to be apart of the process anymore #i dont feel worthy as a person or artist #i just feel less than nothing and that no one will care

[staycoolbutstillcare]

Trying to get into a new routine for our afternoons bc by the time 5pm hits I’m useless. SO, I’ve been starting a crockpot meal over my daughters nap, doing a quick tidy, folding a load of laundry, and once she wakes up I put her in the stroller and we go on a quick walk. Don’t be fooled, this is the most productive part of my day.

#personal #I do not thrive in pregnancy #I feel like the laziest lump all day #but my daughter and I have been going to the park almost every morning to get us both out of the house

[lifblogs]

Oh cool, the anorexia wants me to cease existing.

#personal #eating disorder #suicidal thoughts mention #i won’t do anything #but holy shit #this bullying from my mental illness #will kill a good mood fast #and turn everything bitter #basically i don’t feel like a human being worth anything #because i’m fat #i’m so fat why would anyone be friends with me #why would anyone not rescind an adoption certificate #why would anyone not be disappointed in me #and see me as barely human #i barely look human #i’m just lumps of fat all rolled together #i used to be skinny #i don’t deserve this #i want my old body back #but instead i eat like a pig #and barely move #i’m just a lump who likes to read #because no one would ever actually be interested in me #my mind doesn’t matter #when it’s stuffed in a body this fat #i look like shit

[buck-yyyy]

man, you KNOW it’s a good night when you have the energy to wash your retainer AND use the face creams your doctor told you to use every day that you haven’t touched in ages

having a nice night idk :)

#i feel like an actual teenager—an actual PERSON—and not just a lump of vaguely human-shaped sludge #omg

[jorvikzelda]

see I like to say I don't believe in ghosts. BUT. Maybe I do a little, sometimes

#first of all I know I have messages from friends I will be probably not replying to them for a little bit because I am presently emotional #I will get back to you in 15-30 minutes probably. i just need a little bit of time and quiet #a very important person in my life who was absolutely crucial to what I'm doing with my life passed away this spring #& the Very Important Thing that I'm doing on Thursday is very much related to said what I'm doing with my life #as I'm packing for the trip (leaving tomorrow morning) I feel a little lump in a pocket in one of my bags and dig my hand in there to get i #and it's a little crumpled tissue with a little dried up leaf in it and it takes me a moment of ? #and then I'm hit with this really vivid memory of. at their funeral I had a small bouquet and one of the leaves fell off. #and I wrapped it in that tissue and put it in that bag #aiming to throw it away later. #I must have just... forgotten. and then never even noticed. until now. #and I feel like that was them. I feel like there has to be a meaning to why I found that NOW because I use that bag like.. fairly frequentl #so yeah I think that was them. reaching out. and saying you are going to do good and you are going to be fine and I am proud of you. #and I really think they would be proud of me too. to be honest sometimes it's what keeps me going. #I feel like what they taught me and the wisdom they passed down to me gave me purpose. and I have to fulfil that purpose. #and also I'll be buying a little locket necklace to put that leaf in. #z talks #not horse game

[mccleans]

there was a moment during today's arsenal game when i wanted to be like, team, wake up! you're all looking sleepy and lazy and slow! but then randomly remembered your post being like, look, they get enough hate and i don't want to be that to them, and it just made me realize that, yeah, me too. anyway, your kindness is so powerful and i hope you know what a source of light you are in the world 💖

me reading this right now at 4am

#this made me CRY #sometimes i worry i'm coming across condescending or whatever bc i know everyone deals with stuff differently #and approaches situations differently and whatever works for them works for them #but i personally hate that attitude of just dropping them and being mean as soon as they aren't doing the absolute best #it just reminds me of aftv and football twt and i think it should stay there #and it makes me sad to see BUT like i said everyone handles stuff in their own way which is OBVIOUSLY fine i'm not the sheriff of gooners #but idk the thought that the gentle parenting unconditional positive regard love them despite it all attitude is spreading.... #it's enough to make me cry! #i just think it's so much more fun for everyone to approach it like that yk #and obviously i get pissed off w them too but this is just so lovely to see #is any of this making sense ? it is 4:45 in the morning #anyways NONE of this is directed at anyone i'm just trying to pour my brain out in these tags and there's some lumps in it #(just took a closing my eyes break from typing these btw) #but YA i'm so flattered and honoured and emotional and in love with u #feel what you gotta feel always my love but positive choices are always lovely to see!!!!!!!! #now. i shall sleep 🫶 #asks

[jellypawss]

I’m making maxis match sims again but …. they are all so similar with the lack of alpha skin details and I kinda hate it :(

#but I wanna play ts4 in the cartoony silly style it’s was created for #but the sims faces and style feel so shallow #like how am I supposed to give personality to a lump of clay