#i havent posted in weeks thats a skill issue | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ferrn0 · 1 year

Text

REGARDING POSTING

heads up / TW: this looks at personal stuff + vent(? sorta) ALSO this is not super important / not essential for you to read

TL;DR:

less posting due to massive lack of motivation

want to post more and take art serious but its hard

could be depression or hormones idk dont know what to do

overthinking lots -> dont know why this is happening

crave regular change but havent had it + difficult to get change bc of parents -> maybe this is why??

going to try my best not to stress abt it

do not worry about me, im going to be okay

i havent been posting much proper/ finished/ full art ( not sketches ) because ive been really struggling with motivation this year. For all i know, it could be a depression(?) thing or perhaps hormones ( i have a uterus unfortunately) or maybe it just comes down to ADHD.. i do take medication for adhd but they dont really do much regarding dopamine so my motivation is still kinda low even when i take the meds. I really want to be posting proper art and i want to take my art more seriously however, without motivation its really difficult. Im finding myslef slipping back into what feels like a depressive mindset. kind of. yet, im super happy in so many aspects of my life where i used to be affected by this mindset. I have found a better group of people to be around ive found more things i want to do and ive got goals for the year- i didnt have those this time last year. And now.. my creativity has been affected and i dont know what to do.

I feel guilty for not posting. Or maybe i feel frustrated that i dont post (which leaves me with noone seeing my work). Either way, i want to post. but i cant get myself to.

this leaves me thinking...

"maybe i just need to improve my skills"

"maybe im not putting enpugh effort in, what if im just not 'trust(ing) the process' enough"

"i might need to just try a new medium"

"maybe i need a new intrest or fandom to join so i can make fanart"

"what if i was just qrong my whole life and im not cut out to be an artist?"

"perhaps theres something else wrong with me and thats why i cant get myself to do things"

And this circles round and round. So what do i do about it?? should i just take a break and not focus on posting? but i already do that anyway! do i just try to do a month long or a week long challenge? but i always miss days and eventually give up!

The more i write about this the more i realise i am not okay. and that im getting worked up over a small thing. but i am miniscule and to me this small thing is ginormous.

i am a kind of person who craves change. but only when i want it. And i have gone a very long time without the kind of change i need in my immediate environment. so maybe thats the issue. but i happen to be a child. who lives with his parents. so that causes some problems, dont it? not that my parents are horrible people or incredibly unfair. but because they have their own ideas of how we (me and my brothers) should grow up and what sort of privileges we get ect. because they are my parents. My parents believe that we should each have atleast one physical out-of-school activity we do each week. I do basketball. and i have been since i was in grade 5. its been almost 5 years. dont get me wrong, i love the game and i love playing it. but i find myself dreading going to each game everyweek. i need change. i want to quit bball. i also do drama classes each week(since yr 6/7)- but i like that. and i dont want to quit. because its different every week, every year. My bedroom has also been that same for the past 3 or so years, yes i have moved things around, but the furniture hasnt changed, and the walls have been the same colour with the same wall stickers since we moved in when i was in year 1. I spend a lot of time in here(my room) and it doesnt feel like mine anymore.

TW- eating

my medication for ADHD gives me a smaller to no appetite during the day. I no longer bring much or anything to school to eat. i dont really eat breakfast either(but i did that before i got meds anyway). I still eat dinner everyday, just a little less that i used to. and i will eat lunch (depending on situation) during the holidays and weekends mostly because it ends up getting made dor me half the time. i do suspect the rather sudden change un my eating habbits might be affecting me. but nothing terrible has happened to me yet(i have lost a few kgs but that isnt worrying as i was a little overweight beforehand). perhaps this is affecting my motivation too. but who i am to know for sure?.

END OF TW

i think i will just continue as i have been. but i will try my best to not worry myself over not posting. although i cannot make any garantees. not many people follow or interact with me here so i doubt this will cause too many concerns but if it does, please do not worry. i will be okay. i am working on myself.

I apologise to those who want/wanted to see my work more/more often. i hope this all makes sense and that you can understand ♡

with sillies,

thomas[FERRN0]

1 note · View note

dyinglaugh · 4 years

Text

The place I work at is an international company that looks super great on paper and shows the best face to customers and the outside world. In fact, they suck ass. Like a lot. They want to have robots do thier work and such for them but instead have humans that they work like slaves. No, really. I am not exaggerating. If you are unable to complete a shift, you get points/time taken and when you're in the negative you're fired. Sounds reasonable but when you have medical problems or family emergencies you're still penalized and not excused (you have to use time you have to cover any missed shift time). I have medical issues that can be accommodated but the process is such with this company that it makes you just throw your hands up and quit, so I havent tried (the process is convoluted and arduous on purpose to make workers not want to do this). I have stories from friends who also work here that will make youre blood boil.

1: My coworker has a daughter that is now 7-8years old. When she was 4, she had gotten very sick and needed to go to the hospital and stay for a while to get better. My coworker, upon getting that call at work went to management and requested to leave early as this was at the time an emergency. He didn't have time left (idk why) but wanted to be with his 4 year old child to make sure she was OK. When management noticed he had no time available all they said was "you can go but you may be fired for leaving early with not enough time" (paraphrased). He couldn't leave his job there as getting fired meant no money to buy food, pay the hospital, pay bills, etc. So he was then forced to continue working while his child was sick. (She's ok now though.)

2: Another coworker had gotten a frantic call from her daughter that the family dog (that was in my coworkers life before her daughter was even born) had been hit by a car, dragged by the car, and is now fighting for its life to see its owner before it died, needed her home to say goodbye. My coworker, crying/sobbing that her best friend for many years was going to suffer in wait, went to a manager and explained the situation. Upon seeing that my coworker had no time left to leave early, the manager then made her follow him around to talk to other managers to "see what they can do". The dog died in the street, without her human (my coworker) because the managers decided to dawdle and make her walk with them knowing full well what they were doing. At some point my coworker called her daughter to find out that the dog died while she being dragged around the warehouse with a manager who was "looking for a way to help" when in reality all that was accomplished was a waste of time and a life lost.

3: In order to enter the warehouse, you have to go through security and the turnstiles and then get your temp checked by a thermal camera. The second you open the doors to get to the turnstiles, there are 6-7feet tall industrial style fans to cool your skin temp before being checked. So if you have a fever and enter the building, your temp is reduced by these fans enough so that you can continue to work and make the company profit. They said that its to cool the building down but there are literally hundreds of fans everywhere to do that. So why do these ones need to be placed specifically by the doors?

4: We are encouraged to tattle on coworkers when we see a "violation". Such things include sitting anywhere besides the breakdown or lunchroom. We stand for 10.5 hours. The entire fucking shift. And get in trouble for being in pain caused by this. Also, if we need a bathroom break, we have 6 minutes to do that. This includes getting to a bathroom (2mins), doing your business, and then getting back to where you were. Many people have been written up, including myself (lactose intolerant=bad night) for being "off task " for more than 30mins that shift simply by going to the bathroom a few times. Drink less? The warehouse is typically between 75-90 degreesF (winter versus summer) and quite a few people EVERY WEEK pass out due to heat stress or dehydration, so less water isn't an option.

I dont have those types of problems at the moment where a life will be lost or is in trouble and i hope it never happens. I had heard these stories from my coworkers and I suspect that managers get reprimanded for trying to be lax about the more ridiculous rules. I myself am going through the problem of not being able to apply for medical leave. I'm in the negatives with time as I type this because every single person I've been emailing to fix my system issues in the portal to open a case, has blown me off. I dont know why this company treats the workers so shitty, except they are worldwide and literally every single person uses thier services. I won't say the name since id like to not be fired but I will give the hint that its an online store with the same name as a big tropical jungle. I've talked to managers there that i can tell hate the policies that work against the workers (alot of the policies do) and the good managers are frustrated too.

The system designed by the company is basically like this: low-level worker is promoted slightly and given 50%-100% more work than before with promise of a better pay and such and all they have to do is enforce the policies and step on people to do exactly that. They themselves are still being trampled by the higher ups while being promised that they will get bigger boots to stomp on low-level workers the better they work.

I despise this company so much that I tell every single person the horrors the company will do and will cover up in order to deter them from using thier services. I understand that prices found through this company are better than almost every other company so its just cost effective with people. I dont condemn people for using that company at all actually. Just those who, despite knowing the hardships and harsh treatments of the workers, laugh and still use it saying, " if its so bad why not leave?"

I'll tell you why. Because the company pays ok enough and offers ok enough benefits that we the workers feel trapped. If we leave, who will hire people that have very few skills since they spent years in a warehouse? If we leave, how will we find a better or equal paying job ($15-16/hr starting)? I have hunted and searched for such a job because of my frustration and found absolutely nothing. This company traps workers in a way that makes it so impossible to leave that many fall victim to depression or other mental/physical illness.

Speaking of, I have heard in the half year of working there of at least 3 people almost killing themselves- thats right SUICIDE- due to the stress. In response, the company sends out information and messages and notifications about Suicide Awareness and Prevention. AS IF THEY DONT KNOW THAT THEYRE THE CAUSE. I personally have thought, " if I kill myself, the company can leave me alone. I wont have to work here anymore and suffer almost every night through inconceivable pain without hope of going home". See, I have chronic migraines that put me out of commission for 20 out of 30days a month. Not only have I worked while sobbing and not being able to see or breathe (one of many symptoms I have) I've been forced to continue working until my illness has progressed until I can no longer function. I can't move or see or breathe or hear or anything at that point. I can only focus on one thing and its typically forcing myself to CONTINUE WORKING because the company doesn't care enough to let me leave early. I end up having panic attacks in the bathroom and vomiting due to the pain. This company, as far as I've heard through people I've talked to everywhere, hasn't officially killed people. Unofficially, i had talked to someone that had almost overdosed in order to be free of the company.

Now, I dont include names simply because I'm not a rat or snitch or whistle blower or etc. and because I dont want them to get in trouble for speaking out. I am posting this here because hopefully, its anonymous enough that I dont get in trouble either. I just hope that before anyone chooses to use this company (that has the same name as a jungle), they remember this post. I hope that this is spread everywhere so that everyone knows the horrors the workers have to deal with. I hope so much that someone reads this and chooses to spend that extra dollar on a different website to not add to this billionaires' pockets. Please, repost. Spread this around and add stories of your own because you're not alone. I promise.

#horriblejobs #this is ridiculous #truthbomb #wildthatthecompanyisstillexisting #like holy shit #is this even legal #how is this legal #spreadthiseverywhere #bad bosses #no joke #complete truth

2 notes · View notes

istheresomebodywhocanimagine · 5 years

Note

Because I’m selfish could you do a shipping me with members thing? I’m short, half Greek and Scottish but raised in Australia (yes, I do have an accent) I have really long brown hair and hazel eyes, and I play bass and sing. I love to read and write, and I almost always have headphones on and music blasting. I also am a drama student and I love to act. Thank you so much xxxxx Love your blog btw.

hi! don’t feel selfish for this, i’mma keep it real with you pal - i have asked for several ships before nO SHAME

anyways, in relation to BoRhap - I ship you with Gwilym!!! At first I was going to say Joe, but I think I see you meshing with Gwilym really well:

When Gwilym got cast as Brian in BoRhap, you were the first one he called. First, to break the news. Second, to ask you for a little help brushing up on his skills. He knew you played bass, and it wasn’t exactly lead guitar, but he still wanted to know all of your little tips and pointers in case there was something he could use when he finally met Brian.

In fact, he came over the next day with his guitar, already ready to learn. You were happy to oblige, but you admitted to him early on that you didn’t exactly know how well you’d be able to translate your bass-centered ideas to the guitar.

“What’s different about the two?” he’d asked, seated across from you and leaning forward over his guitar, genuinely interested in what you had to say. He considered you a great mind on the subject.

“Well, the mechanics are similar, you know, as far as that goes, but the fingerings aren’t going to be the same…” you rambled on for a minute, Gwil transfixed by everything you were saying.

After you were done speaking, he’d grinned at you proudly. “You’re brilliant, love.”

He calls you brilliant a lot, actually. It’s his favorite thing to say to you, because of the way your eyes light up when he says it. They are already brimming with all kinds of energy, but after he calls you brilliant - that’s when he’s the most captivated.

You heard that word - brilliant - coming out of his mouth the most often when he was reading over your latest writing, no matter what style it was. Poetry, prose, he loved it all.

“Can I keep this one?” he’d asked one time, holding up a piece of prose you’d written specifically about him. You grinned and took it back from him, looking over it for a moment.

“What’s so special about this one?” you’d asked as you sat back on the bed, preferring the poem you’d written about him a few months ago much more than this piece. But boy, did he have an answer for you. In fact, you’d never heard someone speak as passionately about something as Gwil would once he got going.

He stood up and gave you a 10 minute speech about why he thought you should let him keep that short story, introduction, body, and conclusion to the speech all included.

“So, can I?” he’d asked after a moment of you sitting there, dumbfounded. He gave you a toothy smile as he sat back down next to you.

“You were definitely born to be an actor,” you mumbled, handing the prose to him and shaking your head in disbelief at how much he’d fought for those two pages of writing. That’d gotten a chuckle out of him, and he peppered the side of your face with kisses before happily taking the story back.

Speaking of acting, Gwil LOVED coming to your performances. He took a whole week off of filming once just so he could see every night of your theater company’s Anything Goes.

He’d posted a big long paragraph about your performance after opening night, telling all of his loyal followers how brilliant you had been, and how proud he was of you. And, of course, he’d put some sentences in there about how much he loved you and loved going on this journey with you.

And then Joe commented “-Bri” just to make fun of how eerily alike Gwil was to his elder double. Classic Joe.

Now, if we’re talking Queen, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I really think I ship you with Roger - HEAR ME OUT, I have some (probably weak) reasons:

The reason I think you’d caught Roger’s eye before any of the other boys is because of your accent - he’d latched onto it almost immediately after hearing you speaking to Deacon, who had hired you as a bass tech. You were both eagerly discussing some kind of system that Roger hadn’t a clue about, but your voice was like a drug to him.

He’d made a point of inserting himself into the conversation, introducing himself and chastising John a bit.

“How come I haven’t met your friend here sooner?” Roger scolded John playfully, John just laughing and shaking his head.

“This is Y/N, she’s my new tech. I figured I’d introduce her to the most sane members of the band first, but first I have to figure out who those are.”

You’d laughed at that, particularly because of the mock hurt on Roger’s face before he’d reached out to shake your hand, you introducing yourself this time.

“That accent,” he’d had to point out, letting go of your hand, “Where is it from?”

“Australia. What about yours?” you’d countered, noticing a bit of a different lilt to his words than John’s.

Roger scoffed at that, shrugging. “Cornwall. Exciting stuff, eh?”

After that day, he’d always find reasons to come and talk to you, sometimes the reason being no better than him wanting to hear your accent.

The day Roger realized he actually might fancy you was when he’d noticed you writing on one of the off days and asked to see a sneak peek of what you were doing. Roger loved writing songs, and wondered if you had any good material.

You did. In fact, he was thoroughly impressed by your work, and spent the rest of the day work-shopping with you, which spilled over into a late night coffee run before it was time to go hop on the bus to head to the next tour stop.

You were in the coffee shop, talking about what Queen had coming up after this tour, when Roger had redirected the conversation.

“You know, I’ve never asked, what did you study back home?” he’d inquired, curious to see what kind of person you were. He’d pegged you as some sort of major similar to John based on your identical knowledge of his bass, so he was pleasantly surprised when you revealed that you were a drama student. “An actor, huh? That must be why you’re so seemingly interested in all of Brian’s stories. God, explains so much now.”

You had to laugh at that, shaking your head. “No, no, Brian actually has some good stories and knows how to tell them. Now you, on the other hand…” you’d trailed off, Roger recoiling in slight insult at what you’d suggested.

Someone who could keep up with his humor and insult him while they were at it? You were growing on him quickly.

One thing he always really enjoyed doing once you grew more comfortable around him was (carefully) taking your headphones and listening to a little bit of whatever you were currently listening to.

At first, it annoyed you a bit, but when you realized he was genuinely wanting to pick up on some of your music taste, you allowed it to happen with little to no issue.

Also, he’d started slipping you song recommendations on tapes of his, labeling them cute things and drawing little smiley faces on them. Though it was difficult to understand his scrawlings sometimes, you cherished those tapes.

While we’re talking about songs, Roger liked to hear you sing. One time, you were trying to explain a part of the song where you thought Deacon wasn’t getting a good sound out of his bass to another tech, and you started singing the chorus part where it started sounding off.

Roger was, for lack of better words, shook.

Like, he loved your voice.

So, clever little gentleman he is, he found a way to start getting you to sing around him more by pretending to hear issues with the bass in the songs they’d play during their sets.

“It was like, it was muted during the last part of the second chorus, you know?” he’d said one time, working his way into it nonchalantly. “Like, the part where, you know, Fred goes, ‘and I love the things…’“ he’d trailed off, pretending not to remember the next part.

You thought for a moment, then you sang in a soft voice just to clarify. “And I love the things, I really love the things that you do, oh, you’re my best friend? That part?”

“Yeah, yeah!” he’d say, smiling and pointing at you like you were a genius for remembering the simplest lyrics in the whole set.

You caught on after a few times of false alarms from him, but you let him keep believing that he had you right where he wanted you. It was honestly really cute that he’d go through so much work to hear you sing, even if he didn’t necessarily need to try that hard.

(But don’t tell him that, for God’s sake.)

2 notes · View notes

rqs902 · 4 years

Text

ah hyt’s issues with being too passive and not wanting to speak up about problems bc he’s worried about hurting other people’s feelings reminds me of what happened to jin fan on snzm this week :\ except hyt had to figure it out on his own bc no one else noticed and he didnt say anything about it to anyone. jin fan was urged to speak up but hyt had to mull it over in his head and stress over it until he could come to the decision that he needed to do something to help his team.

i respect that he came to that decision on his own and acted on it. as someone who’s relatively passive and conflict-avoidant myself, i think that takes a lot of resolve and courage.

aw im happy xiao li got to sing too bc i really like his voice. what a talented boy! i think hyt is lucky the two of them give off the kind/gentle vibes so that he can pull them together. i dont know much about him, but i wonder if gem is right that hes had bad experiences with communicating with teammates (and aligning their hearts, as he said) before that’s led him to be more scared to be honest now. the 2 kids are like optimistic but you can tell hyt is so worried with their score ouch.

wu xing’s voice is nice. im a wind player but with my limited knowledge of string instruments I feel like pengpeng’s playing is okay but not amazing. fsc’s bass is questionably out of tune?? or is it just me? something feels weird about his bass playing, it sounds kinda scratchy and sticks out to me too much, in like a weird way :\ but maybe its just because im used to hearing bass in classical music and not like this

LOL qiang ge being the buffer between jym and zk, are you sure youre gonna be okay child? the more i see qiang ge, the more smol he seems to me, like a cute child, who just happens to play the most blaring instrument LOL he seems very insecure about belonging on this show. he didnt want people to choose him unless they were absolutely sure in the first round, and then in the second round, he was so scared of ruining the next group that chose him and so grateful that they were willing to choose him and that they gave him so much encouragement to join their group. the fact that he needed that much encouragement and still felt undeserving is telling. the matching photo tshirts he custom ordered are cute! what a nice friend, to spend money on this to make everyone a little happier. i think its mature of him to encourage jym by saying he should think of the worst possible happening and try to accept it, to lessen his pressure. its still weird for me to realize people call zzn “nan ge” because he just seems so young in my mind lol but then you realize there are even younger kids on this show.

zhao ke’s rap was pretty good, i respect it. with that score i bet qiang ge’s gonna feel like it’s all his fault. i wonder if he blames himself or the instrument more for the fact that he was criticized for being too unvaried, but i feel like either of those is bad bc i feel like he should be proud of his instrument.

aw maomao’s message and ljt’s response hahahhaha

LOL ljt playing “who” and cutting it off abruptly. gao xin tai LOL

ljt’s group’s perf def felt more complete. his voice is so nice, i still love it. i will say, i remember zhao tianyu sang this song on mrzz. i wonder if ljt remembers that too.

hmm i really liked kxy’s singing voice, i thought it was really good, nicer than mz’s LOL but honestly i feel like i also understand from the teacher’s point of view, that he wasted their time and just didnt take their advice when they were trying to help him. hmm he seems likes hes very stubborn in doing what he believes, which isnt bad, he’s standing up for what he wants, but also then he immediately started crying when questioned about it. which makes me think hes not very confident in his choice and/or feels victimized/attacked for just doing what he wants. either way, kxy has shown he cries very easily lol. but i have mixed feelings about whether he’s handling criticism well. im not sure how old he is but he seems young

LOL muji and swh just being like DELETE to wjy and being like straight up “it sounds bad” HAH im glad at least having two of them on the same page can put wjy in his place more LOL

during the perf was muji holding the pick in his mouth? lol muji is such a 寶藏 with the bass guitar along with all his unique talents. this was a pretty epic perf, i thought theyd get a better score than that.

hm interesting that the uptown funk people told them tencent they needed to pay them more and tencent DIDNT, but they were still nice enough to approve their use of the song anyway bc of their “sincere” messages. wtf tencent. im pretty sure they have money to pay them more lol.

i kinda think yrz still seems a bit stiff to me onstage, like look at xiao zhi, hes literally so comfortable and free and hes so enjoying playing his bass guitar hes like having so much fun and is super into the music. at first i wasnt sure how well him and zy would mesh but wow hes really owned up to the avocado name LOL i feel like him and zy are really really caring older bros to yrz and hopefully yrz is super grateful bc he got super lucky.

LOL TYLER FREAKING OUT OVER YRZ’S SMILE

“NA GE XIAO RONG!!!!”

HAHAHHAHAHAH

i think it does say a lot that this perf got everyone like on their feet and grooving along, i see why they ranked 1st!

kinda sad wsh was like yea no ones gonna notice us and then tencent proceeds to give them 5 seconds of practice room footage and the mentors are all shocked by the lowness of their score

hm :\ i kinda wanted to hear more about how they resolved the conflict between rainbow feeling too restricted by da xi’s more methodical approach to music. i think thats an interesting discussion, because i think both sides have their merits, so what kind of blend of a compromise will they come up with? and it does say a lot about their personalities. rainbow also feels similarly hesitant to reveal his feelings because of his friendship with da xi, which reminds me of hyt yet again but then this group got 5 seconds of footage in comparison so we dont really know how any of this got resolved. also how do they deal with mty sleeping and disappearing all the time?? i do think its kind of cute how mty seems to bend down and really direct his speaking towards the audience when talking to them. i really like their performance, this music style and fun-ness!

LOL the way ruiyang and yingge look at tyler is literally with such adoration wtf hahahahahaa and tyler buying them the bunny hats wtf this is so cute. feels very parental LOL theyre so supportive of him and helping him shine and tyler’s just like a child bringing them happiness LOL i think its notable that yingge says he feels like theyre all using their strengths in this perf bc thats #goals

why do i feel like tyler and ruiyang ave absorbed yingge’s fashion LOL

THIS AESTHETIC

i think u can tell like they (yingge?) put a lot of effort into communicating with the production team about their stage design. its not just about the music for them. lol this perf is shot like a music videoooo

ok im hesitant to comment on tyler’s trumpet playing bc it’s not very clean sounding to me, but you can tell hes putting a lot of effort into the small details still. and if hes been practicing a ton, i know it can be painful to try to play into that kind of mouthpiece cleanly with tired lips. he has yet to amaze me but it seems like he’s working hard so i respect that. hes also very lucky to be in a group with two supportive geges. like ps said, i think it is notable that ruiyang is doing so well in a genre of music he wasnt previously into. and yingge’s personality must be some kind of strong to really influence the other 2 so much

aw tyler crying out of happiness and ruiyang just bursting out laughing and pats tyler’s head with a “早講嗎!" bc he was worried about tyler being sad hahahahaha he just sounded so taiwanese there it made me happy. aw tyler must be really well loved by all the geges who crowd him with hugs when they see him crying like xiao zhi ahahah

oof samhar being brought to tears when gem notes how hard he worked on the composition. (oo xiao zhi helped him! - that’s it, im curious how old he is, so i went to his weibo and he’s just a little older than me! born in 95. but then i saw he and zy have made some conflict-confronting posts today and im like .-. what happened? not sure whats up, but it seems like theyre generally okay, fans seem mad tho)

actually tbh totally makes sense to me why xiao zhi, rainbow, and yingge’s groups are the top 3 in that order, like their stages were really good and memorable.

ouch qiang ge feeling all the guilt and like he doesn’t have the skills to do better :( why is the show ok with jym acting this way? why is there a lack of communication that leads him to not understand what’s going on with the votes? they chase after him, he’s moping, they just film him and are barely encouraging enough to get him to come back at the very last minute. im sure he’s very frustrated but its also unprofessional and disrespectful of him to leave like that. how does that make his group mates feel that hes just gone? this is all very questionable to me.

wait i havent been keeping up with their current rankings but wtf the kids who are like super worried are like ranked super high??? like im assuming they’ll be fine?? like jym and hyt’s group members are all relatively high... (I realize now why hyt got so much screentime LOL hes #1....) im surprised tyler is so low and i wonder if he’ll get more popular after this ep lol

anyyywayyy so it looks like they’re having a party and elims next week so im sure thatll be an emotional roller coaster... and snzm is having elims next week too so thats just great... double the disaster

#rants

0 notes

autism-asks · 7 years

Note

Hi, something i believe i experience is social withdrawal. I get like friendly with people or i enjoy being around my few friends and if this cycle stops for any reason, once i have to interact with others again i withdraw. This is triggered by a week break from school or a day where everyone is busy and cant talk. I also get upset when that happens, but once i get used to it happening i cant go back to it easily. What else happens during this time is i go what i believe is semiverbal(1)

During this time after i havent interacted with people and have to return to it i struggle to talk. Sometimes i even move my mouth and no sound comes out. Something has to really engage me for some reason to get my voice out. Another thing is while i never really feel i struggled sigmificantly with eye contact (maybe i just didnt know it was abnormal) i very strictly cannot look at anyone who i do not feel completely okay with. I also have little energy and drop all my clubs at school. (2)

Im very fussy and cannot do as much as before. I shut everyone around me out. If i see messages even from the few people i truly care about i dont respond. Ill interact if it effects how im doing at school (asking questions after class during is harder now) or if i suddenly have a little more energy in a moment. During these times, even walking up the stairs makes me almost pass out because im so tired and deal with i think insomnia too. Is this an autism thing?(3)

(4) also it tends to happen towards the end of the school year more. Its a never ending cycle of start the year okay, winter comes and i love natural sunlight so that dulls some (possibly sensory input rather than seasonal depression i think) sensory input i like and i feel more drained naturally, and then in the winter i cant wear jeans anymore and any weight gain makes that sensory issue worse. I get comfortable in wearing the same 3 outfits that are comfy, would change if I had more comfy (4)

(5) ones but i do not. (Is that why autistic people end up wearing the same clothes?) then I am just tired from every thing and by this time its always at its worse. Okay thats all i think. Thank you.

Ok. This included a lot of stuff, so I’ll do my best to address everything!

Social withdrawal- First, it’s totally possible to be anautistic extrovert and need interaction with others to feel ok. When there is asudden drop in social contact, it can be very disorienting. Further, autisticpeople tend to have difficulty with change and transitions which can make ithard to go from talking to people to not talking to people. It can also make ithard to transition back to talking to people after not talking for awhile. Forme, even just a quiet day at work where I barely talk can leave me strugglingto make words happen when I get home. I get used to being quiet so it becomeshard to talk.

Semiverbal-what you described definitely sounds like one form ofbeing semiverbal

Eye Contact- I totally relate to your experience with eyecontact. I didn’t realize until a couple years ago that people actually makeeye contact and that I don’t. I had never noticed before that I have anaversion to eye contact. I can only make eye contact with a select few people.Your experience is very much so an autism thing.

Lack of energy- Being autistic can be very exhausting in thisworld. There are so many sensory and social demands on us that it can be hardfor our brains to keep up. This can leave us completely exhausted and unable tofunction. (if you haven’t heard of it, check out spoon theory (there’s asection about it in our FAQ)). Autistic people tend to go through periodsduring which they are unable to do things they are usually able to do. This canbe autistic burnout if it comes with a loss of skills (check out this post for more info).

Cycles- It is fairly common for autistic people to go throughcycles much like you’ve described. Whether due to changing sensory input overtime or waxing and waning stressors, we tend to fall into patterns that repeat.

Clothes- Yes, many autistic people wear the same thing over andover due to sensory issues. For some autistic people it is more related todifficulty with change and needing routines, but for many of us it is because alot of clothes are uncomfortable and we’re doing what we can to help oursensory systems.

I hope this answers everything. If not, send us another ask with your question!

-Sabrina

#cycles #patterns #clothes #sensory sensitivity #sensory issues #spd #spoons #energy #eye contact #semiverbal #social withdrawal #autistic extrovert

17 notes · View notes

stellar-stag · 7 years

Text

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me.

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it.

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar.

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me).

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book.

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.

#ramblings of a gay man #long post #life update #wrote almost 2k words about myself #vanity thy name is george

9 notes · View notes

lilidhshoneynutfeelios · 5 years

Text

this weeks freeform personal post lol

so im kinda getting estranged by my mother tbh like i was quite explicitly told that im making a “lifestyle choice i dont agree with” and that she “cant recognise me” (like, my face is a different shape but what she means is that im not like, rolling over and taking her abuse anymore) and i cant be like taking hormones and using a different name and expecting to be like, part of the family yknow. and like, her partner will just follow suit and ive already estranged my older sister lmao and like, highkey im not confident i’ll get into 3rd year and like, yknow. on a triangle of ‘disowned’ ‘trans’ and ‘drop out’ im pretty sure i can only handle two and like, v v highkey i want to just like, kill myself and avoid the whole thing and like, i’m v aware that, other than this one medically induced manic episode in march/april, ive had passive suicidal ideation for like, almost my entire life and ive never done anything about it. idk im v greatful for the valid people in my life rn, im v happy that ive got like, decent people i know irl and online that just kinda, make it seem like a temporary problem? and recently ive had a lot of experiences where ive been able to like, be good for someones life, esp w like, i run the trans forum at uni right, and we’ve had a couple moments where like, people’ve got to see like, other trans people in groups, and just be like ‘huh, we’re not freaks and perverts huh’ and its been good for them and i kinda just wanna keep living for those moments and all these rly cool moments i get to have w my friends and like, ive got a lot of good books im excited about rn, and ive got some money in the bank i dont want them to get, idk. ik a lot of people in my life get really tetchy when i talk about like, suicide after like, i actually tried, and thats fair but like, for the last idk more than 10 years its just been passive and ideative and thats sad but its also like, mostly benign and i dont want people to worry about me. i kinda think im too late to get a summer internship now i had two interviews and i failed one and i dont want to work in a care home all summer and i kinda want to piss off to glasgow and stay w finn and thats not an easy option but i think it’d be good for me like idk what work i could do in glasgow but i could do some shitty job right,i dont have to do internships now i guess, idk im really tetchy about experience and esp trying to get experience where a change of name isnt an issue. yknow, like job hunting is demeaning enough without revealing a priori youre tranny, idk like, i have a zero hours job in aberdeen but i wanna move out like, asap, like i cannot be here, its just v scary to be in an environment where youre like, actively hated. idk like she didnt harbour any particular hatred to trans people before this like she knew a trans person from my school and used his name and pronouns but idk, maybe i shouldve seen it coming after how tedious she was about me being a faggot like, idk she got over that after a couple months but she just, doesnt want to budge on this, like she sees me using my name and taking hormones and having trans friends as like, an actual insult to her raising me. shes just like I Picked Your Name, I Raised You A Boy, Therein You Will Be And Anything Else Is An Insult To Me As A MoThEr yknow like, god, its not a big deal yknow, you get 2 daughters or you get 3 idc what you do with that fact. and sure, i consider it entirely her problem that she hates trannies but like, being trans AND disowned AND a dropout is just like, too much for me i think like, theres no shame in that life to me but like, theres also no dignity. like theres no dignity anywhere but idk if i can do it yknow. also like, and i hate to like bring up sex work when talking about trans hardship bc it feels like a boogyman trans girls bring up to scare eachother but, idk if i can go back to that? i hate waiting outside and i need poppers for like, anal w people i dont trust (and sometimes w people i do) and like, theyre a v safe drug but too much can put pressure on the eye and im blind enough as it is. i had enough poppers one time that i went colourblind for a moment. that was fun. i was kinda drunk too. in the summer i kinda wanna deal with presentation like learning-to-pass as a skill but like, idk im not butch right but im also like a real person who goes outside lmao. like i cycle in the rain and garden and eat with my hands and im not going to be domesticated at any point tbqh. like im not sure i’ll ever pass in like, the next so many years without like, FFS and laser or smthn, but like, idk ik two things right (1) that im a bit of a feral tomboy and im comfortable in like, trews and shirts, getting dirty and building things so long as im not like, percieved as a man and (2) that i was traumatised for like, almost the entirety of my life for doing anything feminine right. like i got beat up in the engineering club at school a lot bc i wasnt like, masc enough to be in that space lol, or even if i didnt get beat up like, there was like, idk what you’d call it like preformative beating up? like unwarrented roughhousing? like pretending to kick someone but Just For The Banter Obviously, We Weren’t Trying To Intimidate The Faggot At All Sir. yknow. and like, obvi like the usual words and jokes we usually use to talk about fem men or men who arent masc enough or whatever. and like, trying to separate (1) from (2) yknow. like thats a task and a half. and like, esp recently where im like, not feeling like a pervert and an intruder 100% of the time w like, lesbian spaces. like obvi ik im not welcome by most there right, but like, idk ik a few lesbians who are like, idk at least on surface dont seem to consider me an outsider and i kinda, get to talk about the fact i like women without like, being seen as a man and a pervert and a rapist for it yknow. and thats been like, a bit of a moment for me. bc like, idk i like women and i kinda havent been thinking about that for a long time bc i dont want to be seen as a man and like, ik ive always liked women, i just like, didnt think that i could like, engage with other women who might like me, without like, having to Perform Man and all that implies and, idk yknow, its not like im having a sexual awakening or ive discovered a two way strap on lovehoney im just like, idk, not not-welcome sometimes for the first time in forever and that kinda means rethinking a few things about where i position myself etc. and thats largely fun now that im like, idk, i have more language-tools to do it than the last few times ive had to consider who-i-love-and-how yknow. and like, idk ive mostly been playing the same fiddle as i always have with like, having this gayboi dress sense and slang and idk, maybe it’d be fun to get a bit of a more lesbian of a haircut or smthn, but like, id have to do it in one of the gay barbers in glasgow bc i dont trust any barbers in aberdeen to not cut my hair Like A Man yknow also i havent been to my usual hairdressers in months bc im growing out the sides and idk what theyd say like i need my split ends done but i dont want them to go in and speak about my hair and my bikes and my ex lmao i used to go get haircuts w my ex and also i have v bad hair and ive recently decided im ok with it being curly so im just like, idk learning what to do with that tbh idk yeah, once whoevers in the kitchen leaves im gonna make a cheese toasty bc thats what ive been craving all day

0 notes

preslawsblog-blog · 5 years

Text

Deadlines

The end of this semester is coming and although i was having some issues i think that im doing pretty well compared to the previous one and as a whole. I remember that the previous semester my main problem was getting up earlier for uni and i couldn't attend i couldn't get my feed back and i couldn't follow all the briefs i had and i was completely depending on my friend telling me what we should have done and im happy that now i removed that issue and i can come to uni fresh and actually knowing what i am doing. I havent miss no one day apart of the two weeks i went to Bulgaria that were actually really bad for my uni projects. Honestly the first semester i was really underestimating the importance of the attendance but actually with my sleeping problems they really were pointless for me cause i was like a zombie. But even though i wasnt attending cause each time i was here i was tired and sleepy and i couldnt do anything for the rest of the day and i was totally unproductive but apart from that in the beginning i didn't understand the things that were said by the tutors not because my english was bad but because they were talking too fast and i just needed more time to translate in my mind and understand if that makes sense but i definitely got used to it and im doing better right now. But thats only about my uni work cause i see this now and frankly i think that is too late but till now i was doing everything just for uni and i wasn't doing it for myself and i regret it but i realise it now. Better letter than never. The lectures for the blog are really inspiring to me and i actually think that they make me think of my actual situation motives and what i should do and y i am here. I dont wanna sound like one of these over exaggerated explanations where i explain how much i enjoy everything and everything is inspiring to me and all these sugar stuff cause i can do it but theres no point. The point is that the things my tutors say make me think for my actual design career cause as i said for most of the time uni for me is like the extension of school and school never tried to teach me anything. To me it was all about passing with the higher grade and that's why eventually i hated it so much it was just losing my time. I did learn some stuff that i could remember till now but for the most part it was bullshit that i will never need and even in case i need it theres internet for all that stuff. Im just used to it and that habit of just passing is terrible and im really sorry for it. I never studied the high level maths cause i was interested in it or i was curious at least cause everyone knows that math after 7th grade is total bullshit. I never studied biology and the structure on the cells cause i was interested in it. I just wanted to pass with higher grade. And here i am trying to pass all my modules. Why is that? To get my diploma eventually and keep it on the shelf with trophies. I know that theres no way for me to be a good designer doing that. I am improving but my actual skills are still too basic. I do know much more, a lot more than before i came here but i imagine actually trying to learn stuff could be so beneficial. I know most of my problems that i need to eliminate and I'm getting ready to be great. Im happy that the deadlines this time are not so much stressful period of the semester that fucks up my psychic but time to negotiate what i had achieved this semester and how can i use it in a better way. Basically now i think that im still not learning too much about being a good designer and having the skills but im learning how to study which is a bit sad cause school never thought me of that although ive been doing it my whole life. When i grow up i will consider what to do with my children when its about their time to start school cause i definitely dont wanna lose their time like i did. Its a problem in my country that teachers are underpaid although they are preparing our next generation for life and if a boy like me gets out of it it should at least know how to learn other things properly and not trying to go around the rules to do their job. I see that my tutors are good teachers who want from us to learn as much as possible and to actually be good at it. So eventually for the first year i kinda learned to study properly although sometimes i still go to the library and i don't do anything. Thats another issue that i need to eliminate for myself. We'll see how i will get over it. I think that i wanna learn to do everything at the moment i sit down and just do it. Im taking too much time for now idk for what. Honestly the past week there was no one time i did something good. Ok so for now i need to work on things one by one and i need to know what im working on. Im planning to finish my web site till the end og this week although i know that will never happen and i guess i could succeed and acually do it but for now i was so stressed about the actual coding thing that i wasn't aware of the fact that i didnt even have the idea what my actual design will be so i was all the time i was struggling wit the construction but the thing was that it wasnt only the fact that i couldn't practically do it but i didn't know what to do. So i started this post Wednesday today is Thursday so today im planning to do the construction of the site and the design part on a paper and than to start binding it by coding. I need to know what i should be doing so that im focused and to tear apart all the complicate things that i gotta do into a small easy to do stuff like: "to do the web site i need to do the coding im having the design idea so i need to start building the title after i do it i need to insert some buttons to do the button i need to check what is the code to do it so to do it i need it pressed and while is not touched" So thats how im about to do all my stuff we will see weather is a good or bad idea.

0 notes

dialogueofdiscord · 6 years

Text

Really Personal Post to Distact Myself

So MAYBE I'll be able to be on my mom's health insurance again in a few days, or weeks, which means POSSIBLY I'll get back on my most important medications again in a couple months, which take 6 weeks to kick in, and since I moved six months ago I ALMOST ASSURADLY wont get an appointment with a Cognative Behavioral Therapist, my most effective treatment ever, for another 6 months because American Mental Health has been overbooked for years, and since I'm not going to kill myself right now, THE ONLY thing I know works to not hurt myself besides waking my mom or emotionally damaging my few friends is 80proof alcohol; thats how I worked before Trump's steal tariffs closed the factory I was a skilled worker at down, and that's how I sleep now that I cant get a prescription for a drug I've been on half my life anymore. It's been a generic drug in the USA that whole time.

I struggle to wake up. I struggle to sleep. I struggle to go out in public. I struggle to TALK. Im struggling to apply for jobs to get health insurance. I have 2 associate's degrees, one in a skilled trade (cnc machining & programing), but Im unemployed, partly due to the "trade war" on steel (it costs more to import steel and aluminium to make parts? Make parts ELSEWHERE out of steel and aluminium THEN import parts!") And Im in no place to move for a job cuz living with my mom is the only thing keeping me ok right now.

Living with my mom at 24? Well, she works all day, so she sets out a cookbook with a post-it note of the recipe page I am to cook for dinner. I dont have to plan out ingredients if Im not up for it, it's all there. I can make a side salad too, or heat up some beans, but Im cooking dinner and being productive. She'll call me at 11am to make sure I wake up. She'll call me at 1pm to make sure I go outside to water plants. She gets home and makes sure I eat something. She makes sure to take me to the farmers market Saturday so that I am around people with her as a safety net. And as I have out of my meds, she helps me with job applications. She's trying to work out the health insurance. She does EVERYTHING she can to keep me from feeling the need to hurt myself, so yeah, Im not currently in a situation where I am able to relocate.

Im not a cutter. But in my GENUINELY MENTALLY ILL head, something about having a place to point to as "THIS IS WHERE IT (partially) HURTS; THIS IS PAIN (at least part of it). Some VISIBLE PHYSICAL PAIN" makes since. But that isnt true. It's maybe descriptive, but to the people who really matter to me and care about me, this isn't my pain. It doesnt have to be 'proven', at least it shouldnt. Part of writing this out is a distraction as well as a way to organize a few hard-to-enunciate-thoughts (Im dyslexic and writing is rediculously hard for me) but hopefully also to remind myself that I dont need to try to prove to any decent person that Im not alright by hurting myself.

"Hey, stop whining youve got someone on your side, snowflake"

A) are you ok? I hope you can find help if you need it. Im not a professional to recomend services, I hate those PSAs that say "get help if you have issues" WHAT HELP, PHELPS?! WHERE?! Who!? You know what? I'll look some of that up later. Im not ok-enough to do that right now, and from past experience it's mostly for acute issues, but IF YOU NEED HELP, TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET.

b) I studied machining and have taken one sociology and psychology class each. Non-professional support means a whole lot, so very very much in whatever healthy form you can find, but plenty of humans have a few little messed up chemical signals in their brain, and plenty of humans have been tricked into a stupid and destructive way of seeing things and need some experienced help seeing things a slightly different way, and some people have seen the truely fxxxed up side of "humanity" and need some help to see decency in others once again.

I'm not completely dysfunctional, but I still depend on psychiatric medication. I havent died or hurt anyone but myself, but you know what? I HAVE hurt myself. I havent been 1/4 as productive as I was the previous decade. Im 24 and almost exclusively talk to my mom and siblings. So I do have family support. But that dosent mean I dont need help. And that's ok. What's not ok is that I haven't been able to get the incredibly basic, non-expensice medication I need.

#AHHHH

0 notes

crasheveryevening-blog · 6 years

Text

New Year annd Fuck Me its a busy and exciting couple of months

Just thought I’d post a bit about the crazy busy two months coming up as I may not be able to post much in the meantime as I am running so many projects in the start of the new year.

First things first is tonight with the first rock soc social of the year. Drinks and games planned as standard but this also marks the first social where we have been working closly with the people who run Crash (the alternative night at my uni, and where this blog actually got its name). We have organised for one of our members to open the night with a DJ set, and have bigger plans for the next one where we have plans for a pop punk pirate party with a costume contest, more guest DJ’s from Rock Soc and hopefully this will develop into something even stronger. We have also been in talks with the Aylesbury Alternative Music Society with regards to potential collabs there so it is starting to feel as if Rock Soc, having been revived in september with me as the chair is finally coming back to life.

Staying on the topic of RocK Soc we have three further big events planned that I have played a large part in bringing forward. The soonest is at the end of January where we are running a viking themed takeover of the SU in collaboration with Globetrotters (a monthly event that is run at the SU by one of our members). This is likely to include horned helmets, swedish meatballs and the best alternative music scandanavia has to offer. We also aim to use the event to raise funds for Healthy Minds and other charities associated with the university, which brings us to our next project in the first week of Febuary.

This is a two day campaign to raise awareness of mental health issues. It will feature a guitar hero contest using the song ‘Bleed It Out’ by Linkin Park as a tribute to the late Chester Bennington. We will also be producing a board inspired by the All American Rejects video for Dirty little secret (link below) on which the public will be encouraged to offer an anonymous secret about themselves that could be anything from something silly (like I hate dogs for example) to more serious issues such as depression or self harm.The idea will be to show that no matter what you may be going through you are not alone, and there will be leaflets for mental health services for anyone affected by any issues raised. We will also donate all money raised to charity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPDcwjJ8pLg

Finally towards the end of Febuary we have obtained 10 tickets to see Alestorm perform live in London so will be doing a big trip down there to see the show. Tickets are free for Rock Soc members which is something I was keen on making a reality as live music is something I feel everyone should have the chance to experience regardless of financial situation and this is a band that I know from experience are very skilled live. In addition to this I have been in talks with a few local concert promoters and venue owners about smaller shows for which we may be able to organise subsidised entry for members further giving everyone we can a chance to immerse themselves in the alternative music scene, as well as getting some free shows for myself.

In addition to all these trips I will also continue to host my Radio Show with Rock Soc known as The One With Phoebe And Joey. We have a lot of exciting shows planned including run downs of all the festival line ups, and interviews from local bands, members of the Aylesbury Alternative Music Society, and a special interview with one of our lecturers Paul, it should be an exciting year for the show as well. You can listen to it at https://www.bucksstudentsunion.org/media/radio/ from 7pm-9pm every Tuesday for interviews and alternative music and previous shows can be found on our soundcloud on the link below.

https://soundcloud.com/rustys-radio

On top of all these projects being run as part of my duties as Rock Soc Chair, I am also running additional projects as a member of the universitys gaming society. This takes the form of an ambitious 12 stage mixed gaming tournament, the first of its kind seen at the Uni to my knowledge. It will consist of 12 independant mini tournaments in games ranging from card based such as Dominion and Poker, to Console games such as Mario Kart, Smash Bros, and Call Of Duty, to even include some board games such as Risk and Monopoly. The winners and highly seeded from these tournaments will then be invited to compete in a grand final which will be a Showdown across a randomly selected range of games with a grand prize thats still TBC. The first of these tournaments will take place at the end of January with them expected to run into March.

Finally on the gaming front I am also keeping myself busy by running a Dungeons and Dragons campaign in my spare time, as well as working at the local pub/club the Antelope and studying on my course. Hope I havent missed anything off but needless to say its a busy few months ahead and I will try to keep this blog as up to date as I can manage.

0 notes