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#i'm pretending to be onion headlines
booksandchainmail · 7 months
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Pale 11.2 extra
I just want you to know I’ve been trying to be my best self and do good in the world and if there’s something that ends up keeping me from coming back to you guys I hope you know that at least.
this bit is incredibly sad to me. "If I died, I died doing the right thing" is actually a pretty good ending, but coming from a kid it's just bleak
All the not listening you did and the ignoring me and everything? I forgive you for that and I think I understand
I wonder how this will feel going on? I imagine that even if Avery is glossing over this a bit for her parents to not feel guilty, she must have done some final sour searching to reach this point. It must be weird to come to terms with everyone in your life, be prepared to not leave regrets behind, and then get to keep on going with the clean slate
Sheridan, you had my back when it counted and I can’t tell you what it means to me, or how it changed the idea of what family is in my head. You get so down on yourself but you’re so so so much better and cooler than you think you are.
oh... that;s really sweet
A beautiful woman once told me I was on the cusp of losing my connection to humanity.
lol at specifying beautiful
no comments on the rest of Avery's letter to Ms. Hardy because I'm tearing up
If I can escape the chaos do you want to hang? We can hang out with Sir and chat art orrrr We could hang out and you can take your shirt off and I can draw you orrrrrrr We could hang out and we both take our shirts off and we can pretend we’re confused about who is supposed to be painting who before finding something else to do
smooth
I told Lucy and Avery and a woman called Miss to pass on a password for a gallery I sent you.  You’re my designated replacement if anything happens and that gallery has the big rundown.  Yep, you thought you were getting to know me?  That was all the tip of the iceberg, buddy.
I'm picturing Jeremy opening this, reading it, and realizing that a girl who was a pretty new friend in his life had no outside contact closer than him
On that note? I’m writing this under the assumption that they’re there. Avery Kelly and Lucy Ellingson. No other end result is okay in my books.
oh Verona
Care and Feeding of Lucy Ellingson and Avery Kelly: I liked the headline but because I wrote it I gotta let you know the feeding part: Lucy gets into stuff like pepperoni sticks and sour foods and things that make you go WOAH (except garlic and onions apparently) and it’s all intense and crap but when you get down to it I think she likes sweet and savory stuff most.  Avery is a vegetarian and she can eat next to anything you could call food, now, but I think what matters is that it comes from a place of care. She likes fruity flavors and mellow stuff. If Lucy’s down and out and needs nourishment to get back in the game then a chance to have a savory home cooked meal or a sweet treat she can spend a bit enjoying would do it for her.  For Avery, just the fact that you notice she’s down and out is important and then you can hand her a sports drink or something and she’ll be up for more.
aww, funny and cute that she's leaning into this bit, deeply touching that she knows this about them
[Tash is] about three years older than us she’s super cool enough I wouldn’t blame you for getting a crush on her. 😉
... yeah that's fair! Don't know how Jeremy would feel about the eyes, but I love that it's not a factor for Verona
If you bring me back as a composite echo and someone wants to take me as a familiar to help clarify me further then I’m down.
what the hell. I mean a good backup plan! But a hell of a lot of pressure to drop casually at the end of this letter
If not or if that’s weird then don’t sweat it.  Thanks for being a friend.
or don't resurrect me if you don't want! wild.
I got lucky because home was the place I could come back to to unload the small things, instead.  This was pretty close to perfect. Except I haven’t come home to unload this time, if you’re reading the letter.
yeah tearing up again
Zed has agreed he’ll fill you in if someone needs to.  He knows most of the story and it’s easier for him to answer your questions than for me to explain everything here.  Imagining you going through my stuff and uncovering it all with a terrible look on your face is making this too hard to write.
Interesting to me that Lucy is the only on who leaves information for her mom to take action, I guess because neither Verona or Avery feel that their parents are particularly useful
As a last ditch effort if the cops fail and Avery and Verona are gone you can contact a man I listed on the sheet. His name is Samaniego and he organizes people who hunt monsters like one of the ones I’m about to fight.
damn that's a nuclear option. But I suppose if all the girls are dead there's no point in playing fair or easy
I don’t want this to end without there being justice.  If I was capable of accepting any other answer then I think this might be the point I gave up.  I could let Edith win, I could choose the option where I didn’t risk me dying and you having to find this letter. I can’t.  I can’t let the people who would do that get what they want and take any more power or get any more influence.
Lucy... I love how much her principles come through in this. Avery may be the soft heart in the group and Lucy all business in her letter, but peel back the focus and drive and you get this moral determination
This can’t end without justice of some sort.
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Area Woman Is Judgmental & Likes Being That Way
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carcrash-white · 3 years
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ASOIAF POVs as Onion Headlines:
Ned:
-Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me
Jon
-Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents
Daenerys
-Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing
Tyrion
-Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet
Cersei
-I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out
Catelyn
-Why Can't This Family Ever Have A Funkin' Good Time?
Sansa
-Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure
Bran:
-Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy
Arya
-Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Incredibly Satisfying
Brienne and Jamie
-Relationship Definitly Hurtling Towards Something
Davos
-Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion
Samwell
-I'm Tired Of Constant Near Death Experiences
Theon
-Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had
Victarion
-Area Man Just In Bad Mood Because He’s Tired And An Awful Human Being
Aereon
-True Courage Is Knowing You’re Wrong But Refusing To Admit It
Asha
-Area Women Planning To Fuck Up The Patriarchy Or Die Trying
Arrianne and Arys
-Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports
Quentin
-If Only I'd Listened To Literally Anyone
Baristan
-Unclear Whether Grandpa Having Good Time
Jon Con
-Prodigal Asshole Returns
Melisandre
-Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually.
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thoodleoo · 7 years
Conversation
ancient literature as onion headlines
the iliad: Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents
the odyssey: Prodigal Asshole Returns
the aeneid: Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had
the satyricon: I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out
medea: Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports
the bacchae: Area Man Just In Bad Mood Because He’s Tired And An Awful Human Being
iphigenia at aulis: Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing
agamemnon: Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Incredibly Satisfying
oedipus the king: True Courage Is Knowing You're Wrong But Refusing To Admit It
herodotus's histories: Historians Admit To Inventing Ancient Greeks
the poetry of catullus: Relationship Definitely Hurtling Toward Something
the ars amatoria: Man's Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips
the speeches of cicero: Here Are All Of My Opinions
the epigrams of martial: Come On, Lighten Up, I'm Just Being A Total Asshole
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parf-fan · 6 years
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(Check out Michael Ulrich’s photography!)
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the-origin-story · 6 years
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Origin Story Text Posts and Onion Headlines Part 4
Kira: contrary to popular belief I am actually Soft and have Feelings., even when im not lying facedown on the floor literally, i am always lying on the floor figuratively. in my heart or whatever., me: is tiny me: (>;-;)>, just got L.A.I.D. Launched Into A Depressive spiral, my zodiac? im a dumbass. moon in dramatic bitch, i like to pretend i'm a heartless apathetic b*tch but in reality i'm a baby who cares a fucking lot and emotionally invests myself in everything and is hurt 98.3% of the time
Liam: if you hate me.....have you considered.....that I am beautiful? think it over, why the fuck would you ask me if i'm fine. have you seen me? i'm fine as hell., the more knives you have the more valid you are, Forgive me father for I am back on my bullshit
Jean: what do you mean "what have i been up to" ...i'm out here ruining my own life as always bitch., it's a bird, it's a plane, it's me trying to outrun my feelings. there i go
Cypress: not to be dramatic or anything but i need affection or im gonna die
Beckett: are there god? it's me. what the actual fuck., i have been having. a Weird fucking time
Jean and Kira: u know when u have amazing friends and they make ur heart swell with happiness and like your whole body is filled w sunlight,, yeah :), Best Friends Each Secretly Think of The Other As Sidekick
Kira to Cypress: ur a cutie and if anyone tells you otherwise let me know i will light them on fire
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Area Woman Has Extreme Difficulty Not Sharing Personal Information About Herself On The Internet
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Area Woman Discovers She Has Insomnia, More At 2 AM
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Area Woman Relieved As Conversation Topic Returns To Being About Her
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Friendly Neighborhood Cult Turns Out To Be Not-So-Friendly
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"We Narrowly Escaped A Cult, Remember That, Girls": Area Woman Reminds Her Sisters Of The Cheerful Things In Life
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