#im gonna graduate and im gonna be a failure. oh well. that's ok. it will suck but it will be ok. i'll figure it out. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

twisted-wonderland-but-gayer · 2 years

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Do we have a mafia boss yuu?? Cause I would love to talk about one

I can just imagine them coming in during chapter 3 and ruining azul’s plan so quickly.

Azul is trying to get them to sign the contract yet yuu is just playing some mental games on him, or just flirting to catch him off guard

Azul is turned on Furious at this yuu because how did he get played at his own game???

Ramshackle is their base of operations, and I’d feel like this yuu might recruit NPCS

This yuu would never be blackmailed by Crowley, they would find dirt on him and indirectly threaten him with no hesitation

Bonus points if they have some cool looking tattoos

Ok this gave me a mini idea. Forgive me for this ramble but i am verybtired. Nor exactly a super mafia boss type. Maybe an ayato or just clever yuu but:

I heard mafia ans immediately thought like a royal guard in charge of rules oops

Jade: is this your first time her-

Yuu: Cut the shit I know how this works. Let Azul know we need to speak to him. I'd like a cola and get Jack here a tea. Also if you woukd be so kind to allow me to change servers to Ace, you wouldn't mind would ya leech?

After yuu enters the VIP room they give a kiss to Azuls hand, surprising him before sitting down.

***

Jack is staring at you bewildered. "You aren't actually gonna make a deal with him are you?"

"Hmm not yet. I want to see those three squirm for a bit more" yuu smirked and laughed.

"It was their fault for signing a contract so easily, after all. Not even bothering to look it over. Taking the easy way out... in a way i admire how Azul run things..."

Azul beamed "Im flattered and glad we have a mutual understanding. Its good to know that someone in that group has a bit of brain."

"Hmm yes, however sadly, we both know I'm not here for idle chatter. If it were up to me I wouldn't bother with any of this, but Crowleys orders, yknow?"

"I understand. Here is the terms of the contract." Azul reveals the golden paper to Yuu, who takes it and thoroughly reads it.

"Now perhaps if you three actually payed attention in your classes, you would have learned how to see through such deceptive wording." Yuu tutted.

"Oh please you never pay attention in classes!" Ace retorted. "You have no room to talk."

"Well I already graduated college alongside royalty and doctors by my side to serve directly as the Queens right hand man. I don't really need to pay attention to what I already know. I pass every test anyways."

Ace huffed and Deuce looked away. "Okay well good for you. You don't have to try because-"

"-because I already did. Now listen Ace. Imagine if your in charge of practically... everything and always have to keep up appearances. Then suddenly you end up in a place where no one know you with no responsibilities and have to attend a school on the same level as the kindergarten you attended... wouldn't you also skip a few classes?" Yuu raised a brow, their voice eerily cold. "That's what I thought. Now..."

***

As Yuus eyes skimmed through the contract, Jack nudged them. "Dude, you cant be serious."

"Oh but I am. Besides I'm not too worried. Even without me this is a situation that would most definitely solve itself."

"Oh? And what do you mean by that, Yuu." Azul inquired smugly.

"I've seen this exact scenario play out time and time again, Azul. Do you want to know they all ended? In failure."

"Oh please, you doubt me."

"I don't doubt you. You and I both know you're quite smart. However, how much longer do you think you can manage all these contracts realistically, Azul?"

"Organization is key when-"

"Allow me to rephrase that. How much longer do you think your contractors will put up with you?" Azul frowns at that.

"You see, Zul. There are a few ways to get out of contracts like these. To destroy the contracts. To kill yourself. To kill your contractor. Or a rebellion. Usually they all happen at once. No matter how clever you are, you can never account for any of that. Given your reputation, it wouldn't do well to hear some of your clients decided they were better dead because of you. And when that happens, people get angry... people will figure out how to overthrow you. It's happened to kings before."

Azul sat in silence, eye twitching ever so slightly at the gall of this... nobody.

"You have set yourself up for failure. You sit at the very peak of your achievements, the only way to go from here is down, Azul. And when you inevitably do, take it as a lesson. I've seen many promising figures such as yourself dissappear into obscurity. Believe me."

'It was practically my job to ruin stuff like this' Yuu thought. 'Just plant the bait now. Then wait for the fish to come.'

***

"Before I try and negotiate this, answer me this: do you expect a heist from me, Ashengrotto?"

"Oh no, that would be ridiculous. The photo you would be stealing is public property if anything. Nothing more than gum on the wall, no one would notice it missing."

"Uh-Huh and what about it being under the sea."

"You will be provided a premium potion to help you breath underwater. Rest assured, I made it myself."

***

Azul raised a brow when they saw Yuu scribble, circle, and underline certain words and sentences on the contract before pulling out a small pocket journal and ripping out a few small pages.

"I must applaud you work, Azul. You definitely know your way around a contract like a true scumbag."

Azul merely chuckled off the insult. "Of course, however I'm most curious on what your doing with that notepad of yours."

Yuu examines Azuls contract one last time, before ripping it in two, making Azuls eyes widened.

"How about, you make a deal with me?"

***

Azul quirked a brow at the small piece of paper in front of him.

"I have made a simpler deal that sweetens the pot for you. I'm sure you would enjoy it."

Azul looks at the paper, smug grin back on his face when he reads it.

Jack looked over at Yuu confused, before he could ask they answered.

"I have to retrieve that photo in that time span of three days. If I am successful, you release everybody. If I fail, not only will Ramshackle belong to you, but I will transfer to Octavinelle as your personal secretary or butler, no anemone needed. All of my knowledge and experience, yours. I've had a lot of experiencing serving, so I am sure you will be satisfied."

***

"That's crazy!" Deuce yells. "He's gonna run you ragged!"

"I'm part of a corrupted monarchy as an... upholder of the law... There is nothing worse than that. Besides. I win either way."

"How?" Deuce asked.

"Right..." Azul smirks. "I'll sign your contract then, Yuu. Just one—"

"Is there any benefit to staying in Ramshackle? Truly? If I win, Crowley gets what he wants and I get paid and fed. If I loose... well. Would I really? I would be in a new dorm that isn't rotten. I would have more access to food. Crowley couldn't boss me around as much. All this with the only downside of being a servant which I probably will get paid for— something Crowley doesn't do. I don't see a downside for me really."

'Plus if things turn out bad. I can just kill the bastard' Yuu thought.

"You need something from me to make sure I uphold this deal and don't try and change it, yes , yes... give me one moment."

Out of a hidden breast pocket, Yuu pulled out a small decorative box. It's design wasn't like anything from twisted wonderland and it looked quite expensive.

"This is the only personal item I was summoned with. The only think I have left of my family and home. If this ends up ruined in anyway, the deal is off, and depending on how bad the damage is, I may even have your head." Yuus voice stayed eerily calm as ever once again.

Likewise, the fellow businessman Azul stayed calm as well. You both understood each other. This was an act. "Alright then, so far this sounds like a deal..."

"And to calm your nerves, Azul, I'll show you what's in the box so you know I can't lie about anything being broken." Yuu opened up the box and carefully took a few items out. Old friendship bracelets. A couple foreign coins. Damaged Polaroids. "That is all." Yuu said, before putting them all back in.

"Now I would like to receive the potion right before we both sign this to ensure there is no time wasted." "Of course Yuu. It's a deal."

"May the best man win."

***

After another kiss to the hand and exchanged formalities, it was back to the Savannaclaw dorm, where you informed the others about what happened.

"You seriously just signed your life away." Leona snorts.

"Oh please you doubt me. I have a plan. One that you may enjoy..."

"Oh yeah?" Leona asks, unimpressed.

"The entire box is a lie." Leona looked over at Yuu, raising a brow.

"You see, there is several small machines within that box. Regardless if the box is places in that safe of his of not, they'll find a way in and seize all the contracts."

"You really think it would work?"

"If not i have a back up. However I would appreciate if you can be a part of this plan."

"Tch, what's in it for me?"

"Aww, I was being so kind to let you watch Azul squirm..."

"To the point."

"You see my first thought was to burn the contracts, but then I realized they may have a protection spell on them. That's where you come in. You're unique magic can turn it all to dust. Considering that potion you had for that stunt you pulled a while back, I'm sure this isnt your first time making a deal with him too, huh? And don't you hate the bastard? Not only do you get rid of any old deals you made, but you also get the snuff out the light in his eyes."

Leona smirked at your proposal.

"Do we have a deal?"

#royal mafia yuu #who may be a prince/ss #not requests #sprry for types #got cartiee away #twisted wonderland #leona kingscholar #azul ashengrotto

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borderline-vents · 1 month

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//fp issues, v light mention of sh/suicidal thoughts, extreme splitting idk

been having the worst fucking time .am graduating soon . the senior party we'regoing to a theme park. decided oh my gods . I've never been to one before .i want so fucking badly to go w/ my fp(who graduated last year) i start daydreaming im on a high im so fucking happy and excited. i sign up . then i find out i cant bring my fp . start breaking down. complain to my mother . she says 'i see I'm not enough for you. ok.' because idk me saying i want to make memories with my friend at a theme park means shes a failure of a mother? idk. shes like that. my fp calls and im upset. i explain the situation to her and almost start crying. (i was crying but not audibly) im so fucking miserable . she says ok ill ask my stepdad to help. im out here crashing hard so miserable everything is pointless maybe i should kill myself to make the organizers regret not letting me bring her. any ways the stepfather says ok so fp needs 2 get a license and a car and drive 6 hrs , or get a plane, but it's possible . he gets off call. (fuck im still on call with her and her attempts to comfort me are making me split hard . im apathy rn shes saying 'im not leaving u alone when ur sad'im not sad im not anything. im transmasc and she asked if i was having a girlboss moment bc mental health or whatever. 'i can tell youre upset about it' shut up shut up shut up) she says she doesn't want to drive all the way there and a plane would be miserable and she doesnt like theme parks anyways. well now i dont care abt anything. she didnt even want to go she wouldn't even be happy. it wouldn't even be worth it it doesn't matter cuz she doesn't wanna go so now i don't care. its pointless. i want to go because its something to do and it sounds like a nice break from my family but its not gonna be a magical memorable day it never would be because my daydreaming about making jokes on the carousel or admiring the view together on the ferris wheel or winning her a prize are all stupid and pointless. i was an idiot to hope and even stupider to think that anyone would make it happen. im empty rn i don't care really. its been a rollercoaster(hah) of being on top of the world because things would be perfect to being severely depressed because this is pointless and won't work to oh. it didn't matter in the first place. it was never going to be special. it never will be. if i went with my fp and everything was perfect together she wouldn't be comfortable so it's all worthless anyways. she should cancel her trip to see me its a waste of her time and money shes got better things to do and i should go [various sh/suicidal things] . this fucking sucks and im stuck wobbling between apathy and misery and that joy is dead. if i hurt ill at least feel something and ill deserve it. she doesn't even want to go

#borderline vent #fp vent #tw sh #tw self harm #tw suicide

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pigletsbigmovie · 6 years

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my brother got a switch recently as a graduation gift so ive finally gotten to play botw and im not finished w/ the game but THOUGHTS!! also spoilers obviously

ive heard ppl say that the champions are rly underutilized and that the plot of botw overall is rly.. Eeeeehhh............ and having gotten pretty far in the game i kind of agree which is so disappointing bc there is so much potential there for a rly good and heartwrenching story!!

like link and the champions failing to save hyrule?? link having been asleep for a 100 years while zelda was left to stave off ganon all on her own? zelda growing up knowing she’s destined to save hyrule only to be unable to access the powers she’s supposed to have and feeling like a failure bc of it???? SADSTUCK

the part when you find out that the champions were trapped in their divine beasts, powerless to do anything but fight off the blight ganons until they died and even in death they were still trapped in spirit form in the divine beasts waiting for a 100 years to be freed so they could finally fulfill their duty.....

when i got to that i remember getting this awful sinking feeling... i was so disturbed bc yknow!! that’s Fucked UP!!!! IT’S SAD!!! and to know that all those elements didnt come together to make a rly satisfying story suuucks.... and i rly dislike it when stories waste rly interesting characters.... like ive freed 3 out of the 4 divine beasts (mipha, daruk, and revali’s) and of those 3 only mipha’s story was the only one that felt developed and it was the only one that made me rly feel anything and even then i think they couldve done more

especially with making connections to the new allies/”champions”?? like sidon was alright bc he’s mipha’s brother. there’s already an established connection and since the zora have rly long lives, a lot of the zora from a 100 years ago who knew mipha are still alive and that makes her death feel very real and tragic but then you’ve got daruk and yunobo and?? ok so yunobo and daruk are also related but yunobo didnt know daruk personally so there needs to be a better motivation for yunobo...... but yunobo’s motivation is... Not There?? you just tell him you’re gonna free the divine beast and he’s like “Oh no im Scared!! oh well i’ll go help you now!!!”???? he takes no convincing at all?? like i see theres kind of a desire to prove himself and to live up to his ancestors?? but that is baaarely there touched on the only reason daruk’s cutscene where he waves at yunobo made me sad was because i was remembering how mipha wanted to see her dad again and she doesnt even get to have that and she deserves better

then revali and teba are worse!! like teba wants to deal with the divine beast bc it’s terrorizing the village but?? it doesnt feel personal at all like you could replace teba with literally any other rito with wildly different personality traits and the story wouldnt be heavily affected bc what normal average decent person would want a giant ancient robot attacking their home? so my reaction to teba was rly just ok you’re cool but also Who the Fuck ARe You?????

there’s this whole theme of the new allies paralleling the champions... but they dont make the most of it!! i think it wouldve been interesting for us to learn more about the champions by drawing more parallels between the champions and the new allies... like maybe while link is interacting with them he gets flashbacks to his time with each champion i dont have All the memories but from what i have im assuming that each champion gets One memory each... which is sooo........ nooo. i want to know more about the champions and their motivations and their relationship to link and zelda!!!

and maybe even having the champions interact with the new allies, calling out to them for help.... asking them to help link free them... asking them to finish what they died trying to...... in a passing of the torch kind of way that wouldve felt more emotional and personal.... and maybe “reviving” the memory of the champions in the races who grew to forget them like the goron and rito... it would establish a connection bc as it is they dont have any? the goron and rito’s relationship with their respective champions is basically just “Yeah i heard of them”.... so their deaths dont feel as Real as mipha’s death is to the zora i know there’s still the champion’s ballad dlc but... we shouldve gotten some of this in the Main Game....we shouldnt have to learn more about Important Characters in extra and completely optional content

anyway this is a lot and i heard urbosa’s story is pretty good so im excited to get to that. and also despite this Long Rant i still am really enjoying the game!!!! i thought i would be completely overwhelmed by an open world game but it’s actually really fun! it just saddens me knowing it could be so much better... oh well i guess thats what fanfic is for lol

#this is so long hrlkajjlasf i just get sad when a story has a cool ensemble cast of characters and then they dont do anything w/ them #ten2 talks #botw spoilers --

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pajnloki · 3 years

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8 // One year

Uhm hi.

Has it been a year already, lol? I know, little me. I have been neglecting this blog for quite some time now and honestly I knew that. I just didn’t want to face reality.. my reality by writing things down: my problems, regrets, insecurities all of them. It felt disgusting just aknowledging them so I avoided confrontation. But hey, in my defense, covid has been going on the whole year and 2020 was a big fat mess. So many things happened, changed, escalated and barely had the time and energy and strength to face all those problems and changes.

2020 was gonna be THE year, i said. So many times. Trying to tell myself that there’s no need to be scared. No need to back down, because everyone goes through high school graduation, university, adulthood. It’s completely normal to panic a bit because in the end you’re gonna manage. You’re capable of so many great things. I told myself, or rather lied to myself? I don’t even know at this point. 2020 was memorable. Yes. But in a good way? aboslutely not! :’) And just a short disclaimer. I know how damn serious the virus is, but let me just rant about my life for once, because it’s hard on me, too.

Schools just suddenly closed down 2 weeks before my graduation. My friends and my whole grade in general did not get to experience the legendary “last week” where we’d prank the whole school. Everyone before us did, though. Pretty unfair. I mean we went to school for so many years and that was gonna be our HIGHLIGHT! Marking our GRADUATION. Making epic MEMORIES. Well, fuck that, I guess. Didn’t happen! :D Instead, we got 1 month quarantine where we had to study for finals. For unsure finals. For “we don’t know if you have to take exam yet” - finals. But we had to study, study for finals that may not even happen. That were some horrible ass weeks of studying, crying, panicking, stressing out, questioning myself, more crying and a lot of anime, lmao. And then it was May and I took my exams and I did pretty okay-ish. It wasn’t the best I could’ve done but I mean, considering the situation back then and how lazy I really am, it was okay. At least, for me... kind of? Honestly speaking, I knew it was bad. My grades used to be GREAT but now they were just good but for my parents that meant failed. And did they not hide their disappointed in that, no. They actually went ahead and told me in my face how absolute horrible my finale grades were and that theyre absolutely not satisfied with them. Thanks, mom. It’s not like I didn’t know that. Sorry for not being able to go into Med school like U wished. But it was hard on me, too. Comparing myself to my friends who despite this damn situation still managed to get the perfect score in every damn subject. Am I even allowed to use the pandemic as an excuse or is it really just me who sucks at everything. It’s not like not being able to go outside without mask and 1.5m social distancing was helping me in any way. It’s not like the constans pressure of my parents wasn’t enough. If not Med School, then Law, they said. And funny enough, I could’ve gone there but then suddenly remembered how I applied to Psych School in December 2019, whoops. Why, you ask? Because my mom already pressured me into looking up universities in goddamn 2019 and so I went ahead and applied to a school in aneighboring country, because going as far as possible was basically the aim. Psych was never my dream, I mean yeah, it’s super interesting (and spoiler: I am enjoying studying it a lot.) but I never actually considered a profession in that area. Not because I didn’t see myself there, but I didn’t see myself ANYWHERE at all. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had no passions, goals or dreams. Sounds sad, but the Internet assured me, I wasn’t only one so thumbs up to us guys. Anyway, so I applied to that University and in the middle of finals I got accepted, suprisingly! Didn’t expect that and for sure didn’t remember that LMAO. I told my parents and they were not pleased. My dad couldn’t understand why I wanted to study Psychology ??? The fuck u wanna do with that, he asked. And I didn’t know what to answer, because hell no, I don’t know, bro. I just applied to move out from home. Fun fact: my household is not that toxic, just stereotypical asian strict parents who love the idea of med school a little too much. But I still went there, even if they disagreed but I mean they cannot change the fact that my grades weren’t good enough for med school, and even if could’ve gone to Law school, I DECLINED. 100% sure I’m not made to defend anyone in court. Probably woulda start crying or something..

And so I graduated, had a weird graduation ceremony in our P.E hall (?? idek lmao) and went to university 2 months later in september. Funny story. LMAO. Seriously, things happened in such a fast pace that I wasn’t able to properly accept the fact that I am no longer a high school student, and just started my new path?!?!?!?! Wtf?? stop!? Months and Months went by and I was emersed in studying and exams and deadlines. And all of that online. Via Zoom. Great. Nice University student life. No parties, no real life lectures, no making friends in the cafeteria or any sort of actual experiences like those. Great. Second lockdown, and third lockdown - oh there’s a vaccine! Yey! Oh no, wait. There are mutation of the virus. Not great. :’) And that my friends was 2020. The year I turned 18. What a wonderful start into adulthood <3

And now, it’s already 2021. And tomorrow I turn 19. And im fucking scared. And sad. 1. Scared because I don’t wanna age and become old and knowing i havent accomplished one single thing in life and instead rather than turning 19 i turned into a failure and 2. Sad because I’m 18, do not have a drivers license, never went clubbing for adults, graduated in the most disgusting and sad way possible (and most unmemorable way i dont even wanna think about that musty gymnasiums hall lmao) and pretty much did nothing cool in my 18th life and thats just how my young adult life’s gonna be! :DDD nice guys.

Ok, this sounds pretty depressive and petty and sad and lowkey annoying but idk how i am supposed to sugarcoat that.... if i find a way, i’ll come back but until then, stay safe

#pajnapple8

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flufflecat · 7 years

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Vanilla, Chocolate, Strawberry, Butter Pecan, Cotten Candy, Maple, Moosetracks, Black Cherry, Coffee, Superman, Rocky Road, German Chocolate Cake, Pistachio, Salted Caramel, Birthday Cake, Neapolitan, Astronaut, Thin Mint, Strawberry Cheesecake, Red Velvet, Bubblegum, Oreo, and Cookie Dough?

im gonna put this under a read more since it might get long! and ill leave out all the ones i already did

vanilla: zodiac sign

libra

strawberry: where do you stand in your friend group

hm i... dont really know. i dont have much of a group anymore. we all kinda drifted apart and now its just.. separate friends. sort of. i dont really have too many friends irl anymore tbh..... ive got like.. friends but not close friends? like theyre all nice and i like them all but were not super close anymore and its not like i actually hang out with them. were only really friends in school. ok, well

butter pecan: the last time you were disappointed

every time i wake up in the morning man (ok ill try to go back to being positive in the next one, k)

black cherry: do you like fancy things

hm i guess not really. im not much of a fancy person. just a homely little nerd

superman: whats a show you remember from childhood

CYBERCHASE WERE MOVIN, WE’RE BEATIN HACKER AT HIS GAME (cyberchase. that one)

german chocolate cake: favorite book

carry on by rainbow rowell, i highly recommend it, please read it.

pistachio: do you miss being a kid

yes and no, like it was simpler but not necessarily better. and im a better person now so thats good. plus i still feel like a kid

salted caramel: name a type of clothing that you hate

those weird flat dresses with no shape to them. also heels, i cannot wear heels.

birthday cake: do you miss anyone

oh tons of people. i miss jake who graduated and his brother whos in my grade but doesnt really talk to me, i miss my aunt bc my mom hates her now and i miss my uncle bc he moved to florida, i miss my cousin we havent talked to in years for some reason, i miss my other aunt who escaped my other awful uncle and might live in dc now, i miss all my old pets, i miss cassie bc shes in college now and we still always hang out but less now and its sad. i miss everyone tbh.

neapolitan: what embarrasses you

literally anything and everything

astronaut: what scares you

currently? im gonna say....... the prospect of failure

strawberry cheesecake: what was your new years resolution

i didnt have one tbh

red velvet: whats something you wish you could do

skills wise, probably sewing or something. life wise? i wish i could make a cartoon someday

oreo: what song is stuck in your head

death of a bachelor, since i just watched brendon on jimmy fallon

#phew that took a while #thanks jimmy!!!!#<3333 #it got deep there for a minute #or just plain depressing oops #but i picked it back up hopefully #ok #good #jimmyflugen

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strawberryspeachy · 4 years

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3 years ago my cat had kittens... i could still talk to my mom kind of.... and... things were ok aside from me being upset over some dumb boy

And i was thinking how i wanna go back. I miss my mom so much i want to go back. And was like. Well that wasnt a good time, a year before was better right?

Leading me to the reason why I was so miserable as a kid.

Look. Im a miserable person - i dont want to blame it all on one person but fuck man...

Everytime i think about times where i was happy, i realize SHE was the reason I WASNT.

Middle school - i had friends. I was smart. I liked school. I had hobbies and dreams. But i never wanted to leave school because i didnt want to come home. I didnt want to come home becauae of HER

I keep saying her like im talkig about my mom. Im not. Im talking about my great grandmother

I just sat here for 10 minites telling myself im stupid and making things up and making things out to be worse than they are.... i bet that thinking comes from her in all honesty

Thinking, “did she love me?” Now. I dont care. I dont miss her. Everytime i think about her its upsetting that i had her in my life... the only good thing i can ever say about her is “i know what its like to have a strict parent” THATS NOT GOOD. like fucking thanks for screaming at me every holiday to eat correctly. Now i know table manners. Thats all you did for me - while making me dread every fucking family dinner which aside from you was wonderful because my family used to be cool.

She ruined every holiday. She didnt want decorations. Were were gonna burn down the house. We were making a mess. We were being loud. She doesnt want this or that in HER HOUSE. She constantly chased everyone out the door because she NEVER had anything nice to say. The second she entered the room everyone made excuses to leave. When shed open her fucking creaking door the laughter would stop, smiles turn to cringes and wed all look at each other with the “welp the funs over” face

She was just so mean. You cant be happy because you’re not doing something she wanted you to do. Or you fucked something up. Theres some reason that youre supposed to be upset or concerned. BUT YOU CANT WIN THAT WAY EITHER - if youre upset - how dare you. You have so many good things you entitled undeserving brat. Fucking appriciate everything. The best way was some mixture where you smile but are ready to be pissed the fuck off in a moments notice. Cause if you wete more pissed off than she was the yelling was cut in half and mostly just her telling you not to give her that attitude - instead of a whole lecture on why you’re a fucking failure.

Everytime i think of a better time in my life. Its not even that much better because of that demon in my life. Constantly teling me shes gonna kick me out of the house. Constantly telling me im a burden to my mom. Constantly telling me im the reason for all her problems and saying that my animals were going to banrupt her.

The only thing i did well in her eyes was that i got good grades in school. She beleived my report card. Thats all. Pretty amazing that she could beleive that but thought i was too damn stupid to graduate college because there was a physical paper in front of her that she recognized

If i cooked or cleaned i did it wrong - if i didnt i should have

Why am i always at my best friends house?! “Her family doesnt want you there!!”

Why dont you play with your animals?!? Stop making noise playing with your animals!!

There was no escaping her. I broke my nose in a car accident and my friends mom took me for surgery. She came running out of the house to complain to my friends mom about how she could have taken me but i didnt ask her and im so awful - right after my surgery. Cause like why dont you want someone whose constantly bitching at you and telling you how shit you are to take you to a stressful surgery?

Conditional love... i already knew that... but its like the first time ive used it myself and havent just attributed the description.

She was my step - great grandmother. Shes all i ever knew but we werent blood related.

She loved my grandfather and my aunt and even my aunts two kids - the way family loves. She was still a bitch but she didnt disown them when they bugged her

The rest of us. Including my mom. Conditional love. Its not like she never did nice things. But she did expecting something in return.

Maybe shes why i dont like dealing with people im not allowed to say no to. Like i have such a deep seeded hatred for that relationship that the second i sense it i just refuse to deal with it again. You couldnt say no to her. You couldnt. If you said no to her about ANYTHING pack your fucking bags and get the hell out of HER HOUSE. that was her favorite two words. She needed my moms and grandfathers help and asked them to move in. But. We were guests in HER HOUSE.

I had some trauma as a kid that I probably would have gotten over if the happy family i knew before we moved to my great grandmothers stayed that way. But my aunt was always miserable. My uncle ran away as fast as possible. And my mom. A people pleaser. You know those old traditions where a man marrys and then he fucks off and does whatever he wants leaving his wife to serve his parents hand and foot. That was my moms life. He cheated on her and the demon made fun of her for everything, apparently constantly telling “dumb poloc” jokes. My mom cleaned everyday and cooked and took care of everyone and took care of our farm basically alone. I tried to help... i was a kid... and she was depressed. You wouldn’t know if you didnt really listen - which no one else in my family did.

And i looked at my mom everyday. I didnt really get it. All i knew was she was a wonderful kind generous happy - all around best human. And yet. Her life sucked. And she was sad. And i wonder if my mom would have been so sad if not for the demon...

My grandfather loved his mom.... but he used to never come in the house. My whole life. He was always out. The moment she died, he was always in the house. Maybe because he missed her and was sad.... but... i dont think so.... he stopped drinking a case of beer every night too

This whole post just to say... im mad that if goven the chance... im not sure if id go back to any of those times where i had to live with the demon... even though everything else at those times were good... the amount of stress and misery she gave me... almost outweigh the good... and. There was alot of good. I miss so many things.

I wanna be with my mom again. Without the dementia. I wanna be with my animals. I wanna be with my friends. I want second chances. I wanna make changes.

I loved her dude...i used to wish good things on her... i beleived she truely cared about me...

When she was dying. She couldn’t talk. Her friend called. I offered to put the phone to her ear. The friend was dismayed when i aswered. The tone of her voice changed. And she went “oh. The granddaughter.” She asked to talk to the demon as though i was holding the phone away from her and like i just wanted to hear whatever secrets she may have and wouldnt actually put it to her ear. She hung up angerly... as though... i wasnt an upset family member... i got preoccupied by the pleading look in my greatgrandmothers eyes. She wanted me to put the phone to her ear... but the woman had already hung up. I told her she had to go but said shes thinking of her. She looked so disappointed that she couldn’t hear it herself. And i felt... still feel bad... for the dying woman in her last days...

But maybe if she hadnt constantly talked about me as though i was the worst person because i dared to live my life the same as my aunt with animals and friends. But then go off to college but take a server job when o couldnt find a better one. Talked about me like i tried to kill her myself and that i was so lazy and rude and terrible. Maybe. Her bitchy friend. Wouldnt have hung up upon even having to interact with me

And then. Even in death. She made sure that i knew my place. she wrote her obituary herself. She put my aunts kids who are 13+ years younger than me, ahead of me, when listing her great grandchildren.

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veurecarion · 6 years

Text

oh my god im so mad

(huge ass rant below)

there is this one bitch i really hate at uni (we happened to be in the same group for 5 semesters straight AND we both have the same academic advisor person lol kill me). i’ve been avoiding uni for more than a month or so (i think it’s almost been 2 months since i properly attended uni) and my academic advisor wanted to meet me at the central campus, which is NOT my campus so i thought hey ok i’ll go

and for the first time, in weeks, i showed up at uni, the central campus, NOT EVEN THE CAMPUS I USUALLY GO TO, and i met. that bitch

and goshsghsdhghsd i hate her so much. it was only the 2 of us in the room and she initiated a conversation only to cUT ME OFF EVERYTIME I OPEN MY MOUTH and INVALIDATE EVERY SINGLE OPINION I HAVE

holy fuCKING SHIT ok so we were talking how i wasnt feeling well on the last exam due to my excruciating headache the convo went her: what happened to u last time me: i got one intense headache her: did you take meds? me: yea. 1 dose of mefenamic acid her: so you think you did well me: ...not really. i screwed up at the ENT station her: omg that one is the easiest!!! me: not with a headache. my mind went blank. her: youre always like that when youre nervous. take a deep breath. in the previous exam i had a stomachache. me: ...just like (a senior’s name who also had a stomachache that time)? her: yea but i tried to calm myself down and i went with it me: well if only taking a deep breath would take my headache away her: you shouldnt be so nervous. try to be more calm and you should be able to do your exam better BITCH I LITERALLY SAID I HAD A HEADACHE ?? ?????i thought im the failure around here and YOURE the superior one so you SHOULD know that TAKING A DEEP BREATH AINT GONNA SOLVE A FUCKING HEADACHE i was so hhHGSHDGSghshdhgSDF what the fuck even is this bitch

and theres another thing she said about what i will do after i graduate in which i told her me: “probably learn audio engineering idk” her: “you can take lessons for that” me: “yeah if i have the money” her: “then learn from youtube. everything can be learned from youtube” me: “im doing that. it’s not enough.” her: “i mean a lot of people learn that from the internet you dont have to take lessons tho” me: “aight” at that point i was too tired to respond to her bullshit as if i havent been learning from youtube fuckufkcKUFUKCING HELL gosh why do people like her have to exist. near me.

#fuck #kinda glad that im repeating a yr so that i wont have to meet her anymore #good fucking bye #have fun in residency #vcr.txt

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