#im just so done and i dont know what to do and none of the drs ive seen have been any fucking help

[pinkandlilacroses]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

Angel - Paige bueckers

part 1

• summary {when an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star} (slow burn)

•warnings {none (for now)}

•comment if you would like to be added to the taglist

bellas pov

“Im just saying, a rom com romance would be fantastic tight now” I state to my best friend, Avery. “i mean everyday is the same thing over and over” i continue. I can tell she doesn’t care, Avery’s been in a relationship with her high school sweetheart, Jake since freshman year.

“you need to stop being desperate” she says scooting closer to me on our couch.

this may sound rude, but thats just how Avery is, ane i guess ive gotten used to it

“nobody understands me” i say dramatically as i get up and walk towards my room.

“remember, we are going out tonight” Avery yells

fuck. i forgot.

i hate going out, theres to many people

i feel like sometimes Avery relyes on me, i mean sometimes i wanna hang out with other people, not just her. Avery on the other hand, im her only friend and i understand why, i love her but she is so mean to any and everyone that she comes across.

a few hours pass and i begin getting ready. i put on a matching pink set with a tube top and a mini skirt, i feel cute, i cant wait for this to get ruined by a bunch of drunk, sweaty college students.

i know i take a while to get ready, i mean its taken me two hours to pick my outfit and do my hair and i haven’t even started my makeup yet. my excuse is that you can never rush perfection.

“bella cmon we gotta go” Avery yells, ‘how is she ready so early’ i think to myself, finishing my coat of mascara.

“ok, ok, im ready” i say 20 minutes later. i can tell shes pissed, but it doesn’t bother me.

“your so dramatic, its a 5 minute walk” Avery says, annoyed, as always.

“i am not made for walking”

its only been 5 minutes since our arrival and i want to leave

“hey baby” a clearly drunk guy says, while he slyly brings his hand to my bare waist.

“who are you” i say, bluntly

“hey loosen up princess” he says, getting closer

i do like that nickname. but i hate him.

“im gonna go now”

i dont know if im straight, to be honest. i was raised in a household where anything but straight was a sin, so i never really questioned my interests. but whenever i see a girl who is tall and strong, my straightness goes out the window, and i feel like im sinning. ive never done anything with a girl before and im scared, i dont know if i ever would.

i walk away from the drunk man and towards the bar

“oh my god im so sorry” ‘fuck. why am i so clumsy’, i say to the girl i bumped into

“nah your all good” she says, looking down at me

i hadn’t looked at her, but now that i am. i never wanna stop. shes tall and blonde.

“hi, im paige” she says, breaking my admiration.

“im bella” i say, shamelessly checking her out

she has on grey sweatpants and a black tshirt. hot.

“do you go here” she says, continuing the conversation.

“uh, yeah, im a junior” i say, stuttering. why am i stuttering

“are you nervous?” she says, bringing her face closer to my own. yes, i am so nervous, you make me so nervous, ohmygodohmygodohmygod

“no” i say, unconvincingly.

“you sure?” she questions again. im not ok

“your on the basketball team, right?” i say, attempting to shift the conversation

she chuckles

“yeah” she states, moving back to her original position, further away from me. come back

“have you heard of me” she says, cockily

“i think everyone has here” i say, to be honest, i dont know anything about basketball. but ive heard of her before and her eyes have me trapped, there so blue and inviting.

what am i saying

“i wanna know more about you though” she whispers, moving closer than before.

“what do you wanna know” i say wrapping my arms around her neck. i dont know where all this confidence has came from

“yo paige” some girl says, she turns around and breaks the position we were in.

“iceee” she says, dapping up her teammate

im offended.

i make my way from her and towards my friend group. i want to go home

“was that you flirting with paige bueckers”

“we were just talking, shes not interested”

“girl, paige would be interested in a tree if it had a pussy, she is definitely interested” chanel says

everyone laughs. but me

im confused, why am i attracted to her, i like men, not women.

“bella cmon, lets get you home” Avery says, i mentally thank her from saving me from this conversation.

i tuck myself into bed after taking my outfit and makeup off and get ready for my favourite activity. sleep, until.

xxx-xxx-xxx

- hey is this bella?

what the fuck. do i have a stalker

bella

- yes

xxx-xxx-xxx

- hahah thank god

- this is paige

what the fuck

A/N - first fic, how do we feeeelllllllll

#paige bueckers x reader #paige bueckers headcannons #paige bueckers smut #paige bueckers fic #paige bueckers #uconn huskies #uconn women’s basketball #uconn wbb

[u5an5]

Theory: The Clone X was not Cody like some people think or even Fives (I know he's been dead for a very long time but so was Boba Fett and look where we are. Plus, Echo was supposed to be certainly dead too; making him Winter Soldier-esque storyline wouldn't be that surprising) or not even Slick.

((Also, now that we've seen his face devoid of any tattoos or scars I think first two takes are definitely not applicable anymore; they wouldn't put that much effort to make him unrecognizable))

Back to the point: In my opinion, The Clone X was none other than...

Fox.

Now let me explain.

Who else, other than X, was loyal to the law and justice dictated by it over any moral or ethic code?

Fox.

Who else was portrayed with such single-minded focus on hunting down traitors of the government he served, regardless of what it was?

Fox.

Who else could know not only Coruscant so well but also identify Rex like they knew each other?

He already was a remarkably successful tracker of traitors, why not make him more efficient by pointing them out for him?

Good soldiers follow orders, after all.

#clone assassin #commander fox #star wars tbb #i know that hes got killed really early after Order in comics but i would honestly prefer him to die this way #the bad batch spoilers #commander cody #arc trooper fives #tcw slick #cc 1010 #star wars #sw tbb #sw the bad batch #the bad batch season 3 #tbb theory #we dont even know for sure how he looks like cause in one moment we see corries without helmets all of them have standard paintjob #idk if its just animation error but because of it we cant be 100% sure fox ever regreted it without him being shown grieving with rest #hes just taking a breath when fives is dying and personaly i see it more as him rolling his eyes that rex is being mushy with traitor #but there are 3 clones behind fox when hes shown and then the one taking off his helmet stands beside 2 others so it may actualy be it??? #and if he DOES regret it imo is more in 'shame i had to do it' rather than 'shame i did it' way if you know what i mean #hes just doing his job and hes GOOD at it. not his fault that him being competent is bad for the good guys #my point is: outside of one page incomic that can be at any point made noncanon or recontextualized theres no evidence that it cant be him #they already retconed more important things. why not this? #i think its likely that in case im right we can assume that all named corries were made into CloneX #none of them appeared yet despite how much of action happens on coruscant #and only thorn died on screen; in a way preventing him from being viable option nonetheless #three hits point blank months before Order seem unlikely but theyve done weirder things so him returning wouldnt be THAT weird so uhh idk #but yeah cx-02 is tech #winter soldiering doesnt stop #i mean THIS could be fox/other corrie but it being tech is way too cliche oportunity to waste it on them (derogatory towards disney) #pls disney let corries hunt down traitors like they used to pls

[sonknuxadow]

okay sorry for having opinions on sonic shipping but . the more popular a ship is the more likely i am to be annoyed by it so its probably for the best that my favorite ship is one of the not as popular ones . but also the way sonknux gets talked about (or not talked about) as a result of it being less popular drives me up the wall . what do you mean it doesnt make sense. hes literally not staring at the moon and thinking about him💔

#theyre literally the sun and the moon and you dont even CARE .... #okay but ive actually seen random sonknux posts get a bunch of comments from so/nadow and kn/uxouge fans #along the lines of ''umm i prefer so/nadow :/'' or ''this doesnt make any sense so/nadow is better'' or ''nooo knuckles likes rouge'' #like ohhhh my godddd shut UP #anyway theres so many things that sonic and knuckles have done that if it was sonic and amy or knuckles and rouge #or sonic and shadow doing it instead it would get labelled as peak romance #i know this to be true because it literally already happens sonic and knuckles do something gay and its cricket noises #then sonic and shadow do the same thing later. sometimes in the same show/comic/whatever . and it gets reposted everywhere . what #hell none of the other pairings i mentinoed even have to do what sonic and knuckles do they just have to stand near eachother #and people start freaking out ... #also im not saying youre legally obligated to like sonknux too if you like so/nadow or that you cant prefer so/nadow #but. if you think so/nadow makes perfect sense and have convinced yourself that its basically canon and every interaction between them #is a hint from sega that theyre secretly dating or something and you make the biggest reaches imaginable to prove it #while also thinking that sonknux doesnt make any sense at all and labelling it as a crackship or whatever #i can only assume that you arent paying attention to anything that happens in knuckles centric stuff #and/or being That obsessed with so/nadow has just heavily warped your perception of things. because how #and its not even just so/nadow .. knu/xouge is constantly overshadowing sonknux too #but at least so/nadow is actually okay its only crime is being too popular and having some annoying fans as a result #knu/xouge on the other hand is too popular and has a lot of annoying fans AND sucks . which is worse #but so/nadow is one i find myself comparing it to more often because its another gay pairing #and also people are obsessed with taking stuff from sonic and knuckles' relationship/interactions and giving it to sonic and shadow instead #and acting like knuckles doesnt exist and stuff that sonic and knuckles did first is exclusive to sonic and shadow or something #whatever . runs away

[waywardsalt]

mmmgh

#salty talks #this one is personal but not in a scary just in a i need to say this shit somewhere way #botw/totk… i do not fucking like th. like gameplay is fun puzzles are cool world is cool but like. #the lackluster story and characters honest to god drag it the fuck down for me #none of the characters are actuslly interesting and ganondorf is the only one i want to see in totk #like i got the master sword. i got it and its like whatever. i know whats up with the light dragon and i dont care #totk is making me start to dislike this version of zelda and idk how to feel abt that #no one feels like. interesting. everyone is either good or evil or a fucking side character with a paper thin life #and totk with its fucking no-nuance go kill ganondorf plot is just. stop making half of the plot take place in the fucking past #i havent really done much story stuff but like. GOD. no one in totk is meant to be morally gray its all so fucking black and white #what happened to having major characters who were morally dubious and were actually fascinating to watch #i dont like that most of the major characters in totk/botw are Good Guys and Nice To Link nobody actually interests me #i was SO excited that the lurelin pirates would be a new group of characters to contend with but no. monsters. fuck #they had a chance to maybe get into the kingdoms more dubious past concerning the sheikah and then made the sheikah barely important #and then made the yiga more of a joke instead of like. doing anything with their interesting past #no fuck you heres some all new shit that has nothing to do with what came before and the same shallow conflict and characters #theyve dipped their toes into morally dubious characters and genuinely fascinating characters and the idea that the kingdom of hyrule isnt #all that and gave more room for drawing your own conclusions and totk just hands over the most black and white experience #im playing to finish the story and finish the game i actively do not care or expect much from these characters #and it just seems like the narrative is going to bend over backwards to put hyrule as the ultimate moral good and any opposition as bad #and all but force you to accept that because it just proves that sentiment correct over and over again and its fucking bland #idk. aomething about the writing of this game fucking frustrates me esp when i think abt how past games were written #imperialist shit aside this game’s story and characters are so fucking. par for the course bland. i dont care beyond ‘oh thata charming’ #i dont think about this game’s story. it doesnt make me think it just shoves events and character actions at me and moves on #fuck. #it feels like its just. telling me shit. not giving me much room to really decide for myself. zelda is good ganondorf is bad fuck nuance ig #it seems so fucking scared of being a little bit complex. this is why i say 'i miss linebeck' i miss complicated ideas and characters #just. totk seems like it REALLY wants you to have specific thoughts about these events and characters. doing everything it can to prove #the good guys right and the bad guys wrong and having pretty much no one be in between or like. anything. its all standard

[britneyshakespeare]

throughout the series of drake and josh it pretty consistently implies that josh nichols is a christian (josh peck is jewish) and in the finale of the series helen (played by yvette nicole brown, not jewish[?]) is portrayed as a practicing jew

#i dont have a problem w either of those things necessarily i just find it interesting #if i had to guess. drake and josh was a mainstream that didnt wanna touch on religion generally #but josh was kind of a dork and usually when josh's religious beliefs are implied it is in dorkish ways #such as praying and thanking the lord after he has his first kiss. #but since dan schneider is jewish perhaps he wanted to make helen have a jewish wedding in the finale? #not that there needs to be a reason. but u do notice occasional jewish-related jokes in d&j but none of them are what you could call #offensive. in good faith that is. 'eric is a pacifist' 'i thought he was jewish?' like come on #text post #i have been rewatching drake and josh recently and i have had so many thoughts #im almost done. i just have left that stupid dance episode that they premiered last for the stupid reason #of a special dance-themed premiere night in fall 2007. they premiered the third episode of icarly and a new zoey 101 on the same night #which i think is so stupid. they should've aired really big shrimp last. it messed w my understanding of the series at the time lol #i remember not really knowing that the show was ENDING. like i knew icarly was starting & miranda was doing that #i thought really big shrimp was like just another special like go hollywood. #and then like two days later they premiered the helicopter episode for some reason #and i was like why is drake not famous in this. he just had a number 1 song in a superbowl commercial #and then a month later the dance one. which. if anything is satisfying about that as a final episode it's just that #that unnamed girl from the blues brothers episode who is obsessed w drake shows up again and congratulates them #and the very final line of the series is 'who is she?' because. because really who IS she? #that's a funny enough throwback to wrap things up with i suppose #drake and josh wasn't a highly serialized show so i can see how they could air those after the intended finale and act like it didn't matte #but i have to tell you it did fuck with my brain a bit at the time. lol. i still think of those episodes as having 'happened' after #and on paramount plus those episodes are still placed after really big shrimp. the injustice #but thats kinda messy. what a weird way to end such an influential and popular sitcom #season 4 had a few lowpoints while still also having some VERY solid episodes. #idk. ill have to continue my series review another time im getting way too longwinded here #helen dubois is jewish

[perenlop]

kinda insane how bigotry infects everything. i still dont feel good checking out the campus lgbt group despite being a senior now bc of the passive aggressive lesbophobia i got earlier

#like refusing to hand out lesbian pins and when we’d ask theyd kinda scoff and go ‘’why do you need it? just take the rainbow’’ #(but ofc incorporating the blue flag asap) #not hosting any sapphic events for a while and ignoring our voices #refusing to put up our flag in the room and when they finally did it was half assed #i remember one time we had an event and the person hosting was like ‘’haha i can make custom badges!!’’ #and there was a long line for lesbian badges. bc they had none. and the person was all flustered #like ‘’oh i didnt think thered be THAT many of you…. we dont have too many buttons sorryyyyyy’’ #tbf it does seem like the lesbophobes graduated and whoever took their place has been better and got the pins in and has been better #but even in the groups they held there was just unchallenged lesbophobia like one girl constantly being passive aggressive #and mocking lesbians and saying ‘’i shouldnt be here bc im a filthy man liker ig. dont comfort me i know how you REALLY feel’’ #and thats not even speaking towards how rude the previous leader was to me asking for an interview for the newspaper on discord #saying i shouldnt even have to bc ‘’people can just look up what ive done on the site so are you implying i didnt do enough?’’ #which tbf i got an apology for but i was already dealing w anxiety and being iced out when id try to join in #like man i hope they keep trying to do better. do better for the ppl who come after me #but it was seriously so disappointing and isolating #echoed voice

[homosexual-fanfiction]

okay theoretically .. if you were to look at the word count for a chapter.. how many words do you think would make you say "this is too fucking long"

#extremely unsure as to weather i should chop this up yet again cus . i maybe sort of really rushed the planning near the end #when i was drafting everything out at the beginning of november #because i REALLY wanted to start writing but now i am paying for it by having to wrestle with these last few chapters #i think if i did break it up #i have an idea of where i would do so. but then i think i would end up with like a long chapter and then a shorter chapter and then a long #chapter again? #i want to give everything the space to have the attention it deserves and its looking like i might have to split this and make it 12 chapte #chapters if i want that tumblr can you please stop putting error messages over my tags while im trying to type. you bitch #anyways #all that is just to say i'm curious what everyone's opinion would be on what would constitute too long of a chapter #cus right now im thinking if it breaks 10k i'll find a place to break it up #but i'm interested to hear other opinions #i could have said that a lot more concisely instead of having an essay in the tags but u kno #btw NONE OF THIS MEANS ANYTHING IS READY SOON. just incase. i dont want to get anyone's hopes up on accident i think this chapter might tak #take a hot second here to write like i have chunks of it done and i know what i want to happen but i'm going to have to beat at it a lot to #make it happen smoothly #soooooooo be patient with me #for the sake of having a good chapter to read <3 instead of a rushed one <3 thankies <3 #not an update

[itsnotalemon]

Nothing quite like a coworker getting pissed off at you to make you wanna front flip off a building

#im just been getting really anxious lately #my 3 of my 4 goldfish have this mystery infection #i thought i finally got them over it #so i moved them back into their tank once they started feeling better after finding a medication that actually worked #but its been only 2 fucking days and they are showing signs of stress again #so now im asking all my coworkers questions and none of them really know what to do #and i feel so stupid for asking questions they dont have answers to #and then my fucking old ass co worker has just been a passive aggressive ass hole to me until he left #i tried to be friendly and ask how his day was going and he brushed me off #i went to go help a customer cut something and he would like... pace up and down the isles #and when i asked for help and didnt understand what he was trying to explain to me and that i wanted him to show me #he just stared at me like im fucking stupid #and then #i said id clean one sections of aquariums tonight cuz it gets slow once im the only one in my department #and he got pissed and me to get it done and stop standing around #and like #i get that #but he notoriously does jack shit all fucking day #he probably got bitched out again but really? you wanna talk to me about time management when you hardly clean a sump a day #puts me on edge #now im worried that im not doing enough #and im too slow #and im just some lazy asshole #i need some time away from people #lemon post #vent

[groovylittleclown]

So I do this thing when I join new fandoms where I say I won't ship anything, because I don't like shipping. And then I find art of a pairing that's really cute or really funny, so I reblog it because "oh it's just cute / funny" or "oh it's just a silly crack ship". And then I find more. And now here I am, reblog account covered in Royalteeth, frothing at the mouth and scavenging the tags every two days. Apparently, I kinda like shipping.

#mackerel posts #silly post #romance tag #i do think the idea of me putting a show out there one day is funny #because i know im gonna try to do that cool creator thing where everyone can do what they want and i just wont engage in anything #but as soon as i see a 'crack ship' with cute or funny art #its over. its so over #im done and im doomed and this is taking over my life #its the new canon in my heart but not on paper #by 'not engage' i meant specifically for shipping #i will absolutely be engaging in everything tho because i know me and i go hehehehhehe whenever anyone likes my creeturs #i dont thing therell be much TO ship in flawless because they all hate each other so much #*think #although enemies to lovers is pretty popular #but none of them are enemies #the real danger zone (/silly) is the story with Desdemona #i have a feeling there will be lots of opinions and pairings for that one #totally not related but if you ever wanna hear about my stories my asks are open!!

[pepprs]

#to translate this post: someone liked this post i made (on the upper left) on AUGUST 28 having a moment of self awareness that i was running #away from my whole life and not moving or learni ng to drive or anything. it is now march 8. it has been almost 7 months. and i have made #basically zero progress. and there is nothing stopping me but me. i could read the drivers manual and whatever whenever i want. but i am not #doing anything. and i don’t know how to get myself to start. #purrs #i know it’s a cop out excuse but i truly do think it’s covid. i think being in lockdown for a year and a half made me just let go of any #sense of progress. made me scared to take steps forward. and i mean i did bc i lived on campus for a while after that but it’s like.. EVERY #part of my life is stagnant rn it seems. and it’s not just me it’s my siblings too. we’re all getting older but none of us is trying to move #out or gain our independence in any way and my brother isn’t even looking for jobs even though he needs one. we’re all just getting older #but we’ve lost (or maybe had knocked out of us by covid and our mom being so strict) any sense of moving ipward and spreading our wings. #forgotten we have wings at all. and ive done important things like going on a house tour or traveling with my besties (<3). but i have only #made it to page 8 of the drivers manual and i truly do not want to read the rest of it. i have only been on one house tour and im longing to #move out but how much am i really because i can’t bring myself to schedule another tour and start searching for a new home in earnest. #i just come home every day UTTERLY exhausted and spend all my free time trying to process or rest. and im not making room for myself to use #my wings. and it’s truly terrible. why are we all okay with living like this. my younger self would be HORRIFIED if she saw how much i had a #atrophied since graduating and moving back home. my brighton self would be HORRIFIED. i told myself i wouldn’t and then it’s exactly what i #did. and ik im being harsh and ive spread my wings in some important ways during this time but… these are so obvious. such low hanging #fruit in some ways. bc any 16 year old can take this test and pass it so why can’t i at 24? why won’t i let myself? dont i want a nice cozy #home i make my own where i can eat what i want and sleep when i want and have control over sounds? then why am i not running for it? #delete later #i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 my one precious life 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 #also LMFAOOOOO the next tag on that aug 28 post was that i need to get a new campus id card… guess who hasn’t done that either ♥️

[sollucets]

clover @bicyclepainting told me show wip and i actually! have some! so i present two wildly different things

one: ocean eyes future chapter as previously posted

and….

two, as promised, something completely different. i doubt there is crowd interest for this topic here (lol) i’m just appending it to this post to let you know that if i end up stalled on oe again its because i have unrelated brainworms that no one on this acct knows or cares abt (win between us (2022) h/c agenda)

#wip wednesday #next time on #(its actually wednesday even! incredible) #uhh i dont know if i want to put this in the tags #for either thing. Especially not for betweenus i feel weird abt it enough already #both of these images should contain their contents as alt text #no idk why i didnt just post the text smth abt the screenshots appealed to me #(incoming between us digression I Know none of u know what im talking abt its ok just let me yell at the clouds) #my winteam is very….. im not sure about it yet. i might change the details. but i like the dynamic #the first part’s sort of done? #and the second half is slated to contain many loving descriptions of hair care routines so uh #do you ever think abt how win is a competitive swimmer with dyed blonde hair because #i fucking do that man has to own so much fancy shampoo #he already has chanel brand shit in his bathroom this is Not a reach i am RIGHT

[pinkseas]

girl help i started thinking Too Much about the fic avert your eyes

#im doomspiraling #or w/e the fuck youd call it #it feels Boring and mediocre and like none of the plot is actually captivating #its not mysterious or weird it just feels predictable #half of the scenes are repeating themselves its just the same stupid shit #its Flat theres no real emotion no stakes nothing youre waiting for its just. something you skim over and click away from #ugh. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #i dont do this too often anymore but the further i get into the fic the worse its gonna get #because ill be rereading my own shit over and over and itll feel less impactful and more predictable #and then its So Hard To Tell whats GENUINELY bad and what im just bitching about #im going to explode #watch me spend months talking about this and writing it and then i FINALLY have it done and its just. neutral face emoji through and through #<- too braindead to find the right words to describe how im Feeling and the emotion or lack of such the fic will invoke #god help me fr #ughgghhgghghhghgghghghhhgghghghghgh #itd also be So Much Easier if i didnt have that whole Thing with lying and constantly assuming ppl r lying to spare my feelings :sob: #like i could trust someone to the moon and back but if they read it over and liked it my brain would just. #'theyre lying its awful its so bad theyre embarrassed for you and they dont even know where to start which is why theyre lying abt it' #'its so fucking indescribably awful and no one will ever tell you and youll live in ignorance of the fact' #like girl. GIRL. #GET A GRIP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #ive gotten soooooo much better with so much of my shit but that one has persisted through so much #gonna try talking to my therapist about it in a couple days bc its Been a problem #like fr my writing will get complimented and i jump instantly to 'theyre lying and it sucks' GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!! #i am Not Special Enough that people would go THAT far out of their way to lie to my face and make me feel better #<- exact same thought i had last time when a bunch of ppl spent months lying to my face to spare my feelings abt Really Important Things #praying that no one reads this far down the tags and if u have ermmmmm dorry im having a hashtag girl moment u know how it is #ill delete this in the morning when i am Sane again

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#somethings gotta give. bc the way i exist now is not sustainable. i mean. it is but like at what cost ya kno #i just want to clean my apartment and go to the dentist. thats all i want. and that makes me so sad #my mum texted me today like pls work on a xmas list and literally i dont want anything i just wanna clean my apartment #and like not hate everything i have to do on a regular basis. and to b able to concentrate and not be paralyzed by everything #which is to say i need to be medicated but that's just another thing on a growing list of things that needs to happen so like cool great #mayne itll be better once i start taking measures. it wont. i know it wont but maybe it'll at least b terrible in a different way #bc im tired of this way. and im pretty sure my boss thinks im having a breakdown and like shes not really wrong but its still annoying #i should also get tickets home for winter break. but the mental math i have to do to convince myself i can take time off is exhausting #i should probably go for like a full 2 weeks. and hope it heals me even tho none of the breaks ive had this year have healed me #just take 2 weeks and get a game on steam and just not do anything as i agonize over all my applications #and agonize over the fact i probably have to be here doing this for at least another 7 or 8 months #i should have left last year. ugh. i should have done a lot of things. i should b working on my manuscripts right now #or doing something productive. im just tired. and i dont want to meet with ppl tomorrow. i just wanna sleep #unrelated

[unlimitedhorsepower]

i made preliminary plans to put my horse down in january today:( idk why im making this post i just want everyone to know about hippu and that she exists.

im so tortured whether its the right decision or not and whatever i mightve done wrong or not good enoug or if i should try something else and if the only person (the stable owner) i can discuss it with is right or not and its just way too much to explain lol

i feel bad about january too, because hippu was born during the summer, so to make plans to say goodbye to her during the coldest time of the year in the middle of the winter makes me feel sad. i wouldve at least wanted for her to go during the summer. but i suppose that only matters to me

heres some pictures i took of her today when i was keeping her company while she worried whether her buddy will also come in to the stable or not.

she looks so scruffy because shes changing into her winter coat. i called over to her and she looked directly at me and looked goofy.

shes my first horse and she will be my last horse too. someone laughed today when i said that (”thats what they all say, you always get a new horse”) but i know its true: its just too much money and time i dont have because im always so sick for no reason, its not even that i dont like horses or cant see myself loving a different horse as much, just the bleak reality im afraid.

once i wanted to be a pro equestrian, now were here, feels funny to think about.

#animal death cw - i guess. i dont know how content warning tagging works on tumblr anymore lol #for some reason my 2nd PC screen is on its last legs too and flickering etc lol #actually my life is going so much downhill. i dont even know what to say about hippu because i dont have anyone to talk to about her. #i dont know a lot of horse people and none i could talk about this and idk..ask for a different opinion or something. oh well. #im trying to make jokes right now but i barely even have the energy for that. im just really sad. #i genuinely feel like all ive done for the past month or something is cry and lately ive cried for hours every day. TMI lore about me lol #its just exhausting and theres nothing i can do about any of it. ahh... having issues with brain and money sucks so much what else can i say