#im ok dont worry! just irl stuff happening that makes it hard to sit down and Work On Stuff

[moonlight-mellohi]

One Trainer’s Trash is Another Pokemon's Family

So if you didn't know, i ended up taking a hiates from writing ANYTHING for a bit, but I was just sitting around earlier and thought "huh, there was that oneshot I kinda wanted to write" and BOOM im formating this at 2am when I finished writing so I can just post this in the morning.

Also note me writing this does not mean I'm fully back to writing because I tbh have no clue when I'll be back in full writing mode, a lot of stuff is going on irl around health issues (I'm good dont worry, just trying to figure out this issue so we can fix it) and my mind hasn't been able to put words together into written sentences well recently for anything, so exspect everything and nothing!!

So @sugarglider9603.... enjoy! If anyone seems off its probably because I haven't wrote in like 4 months :D

Ao3 link

Ao3 series link

Master Post

Words: 1,651

Summery: ' "I found a child in the trash!" Trash Eevee declared happily. The Eevee on watch somehow looked skeptical from behind, but curiosity got them to turn around.

Green and brown surprised eyes hit his own, he felt as the others eyes looked him over from his unnaturally purple eyes to dark brown fur.

"I.. I-" the other stammered in surprise.

"Can we keep him?" His founder vibrated, excited. '

 

A chance encounter is about to change three lives forever

“Slow down!” the Eevee hissed to his companion, running through the crowd of humans to catch up. His green and brown eyes swept the crowd, making sure no one grew suspicious and followed the two Eevees, sighing as he thankfully saw everyone's gaze sweep past them, uninterested.

There had been a few incidences when a trainer or a ‘nurse’ had tried to catch them, whether for his strange fur markings, trying to get his friend’s fur cleaned (no one held him for long once that information was leaked), or purely for them being Eevees. He’d heard it all, common lines being “hey are you lost?”, “where is your trainer?”, “is that a wild Eevee?” and of course, the most common

“I’ve got to catch it!”

Heh, no one had succeeded yet, and he didn’t plan that to change any time soon. Or ever.

“Not sorry” the simple line snapped him out of his thoughts as he looked over to the grinning Eevee that probably did need a bath “but I heard yelling in the back alley of the Good Place, and I just have to see if it's new!” The ‘Good Place’ was a restaurant the two constantly saw in their travels from town to town. While they couldn’t read the written name, and wouldn’t dare get close enough to a human to simply know the name when it had no use to them, it always had an identical symbol at every location. It was his trash loving companions (and though he would never admit it, his own as well) favorite location to get food.

“Very well, lead the way” with a flick of their tails, they rounded the last few corners to the back alley where two large dumpsters lay. As a Trubbish scurred off at the sight of them they both leapt up, balancing as they opened one off the lids.

He sat watch as the other squealed and dove in, rummaging through and ripping open plastic bags with sharp teeth. They always had the same parts when working together, he would keep watch making sure no one saw them from the regular path or had any workers walk out the door, while the other would search, eating what he wanted and tossing stuff up to save for later. They had tried to swap jobs once, but it was a mess that nearly got them caught if it wasn’t for his own keen ears, so they kept to their own and worked together.

He glanced at the door, the symbol imprinted on it. Doing this dumpster diving always reminded himself when he was alone. How he’s grateful to have a friend. Actually, doing it at the Good Place always reminded himself when he met the trashy Eevee. It was just after-

A paw swatted at his face, causing him to dodge. He seemed to be falling into nastolga easily today, he thought shaking it out of his fur.

“Did you hear me? I said all these bags have already been looked through” the other huffed “they must have used the other one, which is weird because they usually use the one closer to the door first….” he frowned, confused before brightening “anyways can you help me open the other lid?”

The clean Eevee nodded, hopping across to the other dumpster.

______________________________

 

Sta- he shivered, the angry yells still echoing in his ears. She was so mad when she discovered there was no dragon evolution, when she finally discovered he was completely useless. He glanced at the snapped pokeball at his paws, fallen through a space between a few garbage bags.

 

He knew he had to get out of here, but what was the point? He was with a trainer up till now, and while she was horrible he was still at least alive. But to try and survive on his own? No, he might as well just curl up on this garbage, might as well just

A scene flash in his mind, of a Pecha bush laying under a sprawling indigo sky. Two other faces similar yet different then his, laughing, smiling.

 

He couldn't give up, not yet, not until he could find them again.

 

Chatter and a crash of heavy plastic hitting a wall distracted him from the thoughts racing through his head. He pressed low against the bags, ears flat as he waited. Were there people taking trash out? No.. that didn't sound human, that sounded

 

The lid thunked twice, before late afternoon light poured down onto his dark brown fur. He froze as another pokemon fell down in front of him, another Eevee.

 

He was bigger, though everyone was bigger. His fur seemed to be a normal shade of brown, yet it was hard to tell with all the dirt and dust coating it. He looked up into the newcomer's eyes, surprise and delight filled them to the brim.

 

"Oh? OH!" The other gasped for only a moment before flashing forwards, grabbing him lightly by his scruff and before he knew it St- he was in open air and sat on the hard plastic lid.

 

"Hey hey!" The Eevee scrambled across to another Eevee, his turned back to the both of them. The third Eevee's ear twitched to show they were listening, watching the humans walk by.

 

"I found a child in the trash!" Trash Eevee declared happily. The Eevee on watch somehow looked skeptical from behind, but curiosity got them to turn around.

 

Green and brown surprised eyes hit his own, he felt as the others eyes looked him over from his unnaturally purple eyes to dark brown fur.

 

"I.. I-" the other stammered in surprise.

 

"Can we keep him?" His founder vibrated, excited.

 

"Hmm" seemingly gaining his composure, the one on watch came over to inspect him further, sniffing curiously at his fur "I don't think so, he smells too much of humans" the trash Eevee visibly shrunk.

"No!" He cried, snapping his jaw closed at the sudden speaking "I, I me- mean no, I had a trainer, but I don't have one anymore" he attempted to explain, hissing at himself for stuttering.

 

"I uh" he coughed, attempting to clear his throat, "I, I'm sorry for disturbing your search" he flicked his tail toward the two before curling it around himself, finally looking into the others faces. It was at the moment he noticed the strange markings around the single green eye on the watcher.

 

"It's no problem," the calmer one replied. He looked as if he were about to continue, before the trash Eevee popped "hey, have you gotten food today?"

 

He blinked, thinking about all that happened since dawn. Dawn, when his trai- ex-trainer had learned the news.

 

"I.. haven't?" He tried, not wanting to test his luck. They were strangers, he had to be cautious.

 

"Here!" The other dove back into the trash. He leaned over frantically, thankful to see the pokeball halfs had sunken out of sight. If they ever asked why he was in there, he would just tell them he was looking for food.

No one would find out the true reason. Well.. maybe two others, but that would have to wait till he found them again. He would find them again.

 

The walking trash pile hopped back up, dropping what seemed to be a freshly thrown away berry skewer at his feet.

 

He looked up, alarmed "no, I couldn't-" "oh don't worry" the other's purr sounded like a motorcycle "we'll survive without a few berries."

 

While he was still uncertain, his stomach grumbled with hunger so he bent down and took a bite of closest fully intact berry. When the sweet familiar taste hit his mouth, he barely stopped the tears. Arceus really had to do that, didn't they.

 

"Everything ok?" He looked up from the Pecha berry, the special marked Eevee looking at his watery eyes with concern.

 

"Y-yes, just haven't eaten anything this sweet in a while" he lied quickly, finishing what he could before pushing towards the others "here, might as well not let this go to waste" he smiled.

 

The marked Eevee hummed before taking a bite from a nearby Oran berry.

 

After a bit, the dirty Eevee spoke a question he knew was coming "so, you said you had a trainer, do you have a name?"

 

He paused, thinking, before shaking his head "she never gave me one."

 

The others nodded in understanding. He looked out at the people walking in the street, passing by with no clue of the trio sitting on the dumpsters.

 

He didn’t have a name, not to them at least. To them, he would be the Eevee that they found, the Eevee they took in, the Eevee one day they would realize they see as a brother, the Eevee that would inevitably disappear in the back of a truck

One day there would be another family, they would know him as Virgil, Virgil who they found in the forest, Virgil who followed them everywhere, Virgil who got caught finally by his own free will

But no one would know him as Star but his original family. No one would know him as Star, the being who hatched into the world with an angry scream that was not his own, Star, the one who fell in love with the sky on his first night of his existence, Star, the one who found family and then was ripped away from it in his sleep

Star, who would keep searching till the ends of the Earth to find his family.

 

But for now, he was just a strange looking Eevee in a strange situation, hiding his name from everything and everyone, and that was ok.

 

He glared at the crowd of humans walking by peacefully. There was only one thing left from his life with.. with the Dragon, one thing he would keep

He would never trust another human again.

#the moon has spoken #the moon has writen #WOAH THATS A TAG THAT EXISTS #sorry it honestly feels like its been forever since i wrote #do not post to another site #i will post it where i want it posted on the account i want it posted on #alright long list o tags? NO CLUE K LETS GO (someone let me do this tagging at 2am who did it) #teaming the pieces together #sander sides #sanders sides #pokemon #virgil sanders #janus sanders #remus sanders #DO NOT ADDITIONAL TAG FOR ANY OF THESE THREE LIKE 'TWs' OR DUKEDONTLOOK PLEASE #it makes me really sad especially since they're super sympathetic in this AU #i feel like i wrote their encounter in a bad way hekkkk but i also dont wanna rewrite it #theyre Eevees not humans go awayyy #food tw #eating tw #garbage #trash #please tell me if i missed any tags #also please tell me if i went to exstreme in any area (includeing my ramble in the tags) #im a growing writer and also really tired right now ao i might have ssid something too extreme and if i did #im honestly very very sorry

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 2 - “I'd like to speak with the manager” - Maxyne

cranjes

lol cool so i’m in a majority alliance without having to lift a finger? fuckin love that. the challenge is a shit ton of greek letters and i cant like be literate in english so i volunteered to sit out. i have enough charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to get through if we lose.

Gregg

Well, tribal went according to what was said and honestly that was nice. Know i hope we can win immunity because dont want to go to tribal again. Im talking to people but not im not like fitting in with people it seems. I might be an outsider. So hoping i can live long enough to survive and live for a swap time.

Elle

Dusty started an alliance chat with myself, Fae, Erick, Cranjes, and Van which I agree with. I really like Van and Fae, but I do not necessarily trust Cranjes and Erick. However, it is good that we have a majority alliance at this stage in the game. I want to be able to protect Maxyne, but I am not sure what the group will decide. For now, I should be content with not imposing my will on votes and being a follower. It will serve me well in the long run. 

Elle

After a drunk night, I can say for sure that I am well-established in this tribe. I think Sasha and Frank are in the most danger. Cranjes did not even know Frank existed until tonight, so it seems like they could be the easy vote this time around. I would not be mad at it at all. I want to keep Maxyne safe, after all, since they are someone who I feel I have a deep connection with. The duolingo challenge could prove troublesome, but I am hoping that the tribe pulls through together in order to negate the disadvantages we received.  

Tristin

Ok so we lost the challenge and we just have to recover and win this one!!! The challenge is duolingo and I-. I hate. The language is Greek. I wish that it was a language that I knew like Arabic or English but rip. Lucking I joined a Greek letter Fraternity so the alphabet is easy for me but everything else... whew child. 

Eliza

Greek is so fucked, I know how to say xylophone but not hi????

Franco

I miss Susan. She was fun... Even if i did help orchestrate a unanimous vote against her :(

Anyway. Moving on!! This challenge is hard and Greek is hard. I underestimated how difficult it would be to learn an entire new alphabet. Odds are in our favor because Plati has a 40% disadvantage (which is HUGE), but I'm still a lil worried. A lot of people on Nera either seem busy or not invested. The running score should not be as close as it is right now, we should be steamrolling!!!

Sasha

right, okay, god damn I need to get in this. high key. well, I'm trying but in the midst of everything happening irl, I'm a mess lmao. Jay sent out an edgic with no names to the tribe chat and I was like "okay which INV one is me" because that's already obvious. I need to like, actually do stuff so if we lose this challenge I don't be the first boot of my tribe asdfgnjhbcdsge

Elle

Once again I am the sole provider of the tribe win challenges because my back is hurting from carrying all these people. Since it is Raffy-proofed meaning that it is averaged, I just have to pray to god that people do as well as me. Like I even helped them in the tribe chat. If that was not enough then I do not know what will help these people. All I know is that I will not be going home since I am strong in challenges and they will need me for later.

Elle

Because I know this will come up eventually (and I want the proof here) these are my guesses for who people are: Sasha - Dylan Cranjes - John Fae - Birch Maxyne - Colin? Duncan? Anyways love. I hope we win the challenge xoxo

Maxyne

PLS EVERYONE DOING 30-40 LESSONS AND I'VE 14 I'M GOING TO Διε

cranjes

well shoot. oh well. gotta yeet a hoe.

michele

greek stinks, not even mad about only getting 7😂

Sasha

when you had the lowest score of everyone in the tribe, excluding the one who was exempted from the challenge : )

Maxyne

They better hide their damn ankles, cause whoever sprain their ankles during the hunt, imma shatter the next one >:(

Elle

It sucks that we are going to tribal, but I already know who I want to vote out: Frank. They are not very active and they did the worst in both challenges. So, for me, this is a no brainer vote of getting them out. Cranjes did not even know they existed until yesterday. I feel pretty confident at the moment.

Rain

Yay, we won immunity! Finally made an alliance chat with Franco, Michele, and Eliza. We are a fantastic quadrant, and we make a tidy majority, though I’m sure we’re gonna have swap soon. I’m honestly not feeling Gregg anymore. If we had gone to tribal, I would have pushed to get him voted out but like, not pushy like because that’s how the vote gets flipped on you. Lenny might be a weak link too? Who knows. At least worm is excellent. I hope susan gets eliminated from redemption. Honestly... I respect her, but I don’t miss the energy. 

Elle

Also, earlier in the day, Maxyne and I had a little chat about working closely together in the game. I really like Maxyne, so this works out for me. I will keep them as a covert operator away from my big majority alliance. Eventually things are going to shake down such that the alliance crumbles, so I need to make sure people will have my back when it does. 

Sasha

wait I didn’t actually score the Lowest I’m just dummy ckkaskfbak

cranjes

who the fuck is frank

cranjes

i have no idea who’s gonna get the yeet. i’m being told it’s either maxyne, sasha or frank. but who is frank.

Dusty

Sooooo we lost the immunity challenge, which I’m not surprised about because I personally had no motivation to try and learn a whole new language and alphabet...But regardless I did my best and at least not he worst. I’m fine with us losing because it just means losing a less-active player, and gives us a tribal to strengthen the alliance that is myself, Erick, fae, Elle, cranjes, and Van. I really like this group of people. Erik, fae, elle, and I have been working together to try and find a damn idol but so far our hunt has only brought us to the other tribes camp

Franco

AHHHH WE WON. IM SO GLAD we don't have to do tribal again. I know I wouldn't be in danger but the less risk the better???

Anyway!! I now have 2 alliances!! Rain has been talking to me about getting an alliance for a while now, but they arent,,, the best at consistent communication and enacting plans. But I can't judge because that's definitely not my strongest suit either. They brought in Michele and Eliza which i think is HILARIOUS since us three already have our own alliance. It just kinda works. Rain doesn't strike me as a super strong player but theyre fun to have around, at the very least it's another number and perspective for Michele, Eliza, and I. It just makes our trio stronger than we already are!!

Fae

Hi!!! I don’t have much to say, but here are some predictions on who is who. Van = Zach Erick = John maybe? Not 100% sure on that one. That’s all I have but I Think Maynor might be also be playing, but he is also currently about to win an atomic so maybe not? Zoe and Ellie are probably here too. Maybe Stephen? Is that a stretch? Only time will tell.  

cranjes

OHMYGOD I FOUND AN IDOL this is what happened oh my god i’m screaming so i told erick i voted for him for the idol bc he started talking about ghost adventures and i love ghost adventures so in turn he shared the clue with me. it said something about tedious tasks, and idk why but i had to look at the top of the waterfall. under all the little stones. and there she was. i’m gonna cry this is so exciting. is anyone gonna find out? no. hell to the motherfuckin no. this is my secret and my secret only.

Worm

So my tribe won immunity! That in its self is very exciting just because of how hard I work. We were very lucky though with all disadvantages because our asses would have been handed to us if not. Tribe wise, since we won I can take this chance to create tighter bonds with everyone. Part of me feels as though Jay may decide to add some twists to the game like an early tribe swap. If this does occur I want to be ready so I don't get swap fucked. Overall I think my relationships with everyone are good and can help me get to the merge. The only person that I don't have a decent bond with is Gregg, I don't think anyone does though. He isn't too active in the tribe so unless he is doing a lot of socializing behind the scenes I don't think anyone is too close to him. Now I know I'm safe so I shouldn't need to worrying about targets and who to get out when I have to go to my next tribal council, but I think I just like having a plan even if it doesn't need to come to fruition. So right now this plan is just in a passive state and is only told here.

Also fuck these idols. During my search I've only found a big egg and sand. What kind of tomfoolery is this! I have a feeling an idol has already been found, especially because Franco was given a clue to where it is hidden. But Im gonna keep going cause maybe I might find some more cool shit.

Frank

I’m quite concerned about possibly being voted out tonight because I’m not that social and that is concerning. Looking at all my messages though I have responded and the other people left me on read so like that’s why some conversations ended. Right now I get good vibes from Cranjes. Do I think I’m gonna go voted out though...yes, yes I do. Will I stay on redemption for a while...hopefully. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up for the vote tonight, I’m going to try until the end because that’s what I know best.

Eliza

Dear diary.... Some of these damn people are gonna make me lose it, also at this point I think I’ve tried to clock my whole tribe + Elle as Raffy, I swear at least one of them is raffy, Franco and Michele I’m looking at you. I will find him. Anywho, I think it’s about time I give my early game analysis of everyone! I’ll even give my analysis of the alliances I’m in for extra fun. 

Let’s start with alliances!

Elfranchele: Includes: Eliza (Ellie), Franco, Michele I honestly think this alliance could go far, my two beautiful meat shields whom I love ever so much! Right now at this pre merge stage I believe that we’re the core that’s going to be controlling the votes until swap/merge, and honestly I’m pretty ok with it. I’d love to go far with these two! Named alliance: Includes: Eliza (Ellie), Franco, Michele, Rain

This alliance formed because rain wanted it to, they didn’t realize that elfranchele exists, and it’s goo that no one knows of it. I like rain and think I could work with them but considering that someone already wants them out, I’ll be working with them for however long it’s going to benefit my game, love then as a person but I don’t want a target on my back. (Y’all like the playing style I’m trying this time??? It’s new for me ain’t it) People!

Franco: Ugh, I’d literally die for Franco, but I can’t attach myself to him, I need to remain a free agent although Franco is definitely my #1 as of now, I mean he gave me half of a super idol for fucks sake. As long as I find the idol before he does it’ll be great, because I already know that both Franco and I are good social players, so having an idol that I don’t have to share with him/that he doesn’t know about? Beautiful! I want to go far with Franco, but I’d prefer to go a tad bit farther than him.

Michele: We love Michele, her humor is great and I love the whole elfranchele alliance, Michele is the same story as Franco basically, minus the fact that she doesn’t know about the super idol. I think Michele and I could definitely work very well together because as of right now I have no reason not to trust her. Franco is still my top person right now but I still love Michele and want to go far with her.

Rain: Rain is fun! We love them, people are already suspicious of them and that does not look very good, hopefully it’s just Lenny overthinking but I’ll be wary of that. I love rain and want to work with them but they’re not someone I absolutely NEED to go far with. This time I’m trying to stick with people only when they benefit me, that’s very new for me because I’m generally a very very strong social player that gets everyone to like them and then I pick a side and stay. But I’m try to branch out more this time!

Tristin and Worm: These two are kinda the same story for me so I’m grouping them together before this gets too long, I love them both and they are generally great people to have conversations with. I could see myself working with them very long term. I told worm about Lenny wanting rain so that I could gain Worm’s trust and it definitely worked so that’s great! I love these two and think that I’ll be able to work with them without anyone suspecting that we’re actually working together.

Gregg and Lenny: They don’t really do anything, I mean Lenny wanted rain out but other than that? These two have made no real impact and haven’t done anything, if we lose again I see one of those two going. Ok that’s it y’all, sorry if this was too long!! Have a great day.

Elle

Frank is definitely going to make their way out of the door today. He has not really been fighting for his spot at all, so it should be an easy vote. I felt like I got closer to Cranjes/John earlier in the day, so I feel good that we will be tight if I keep going for it. Finally, it seems someone has already found something in the idol hunt since I searched a spot that used to have something in it. I hope I grow close to whoever it is so that they will not use their item against me. But I feel pretty comfortable with my place in the tribe, however that is when I am the most vunerable.

cranjes

we’re voting frank. he just done been done too darn quiet until today. he made life a LOT easier by throwing a name out cough sasha who isn’t in the alliance of six (me, erick, van, dusty, fae and elle) and as far as i know it should shake out to be frank going to the redemption island duel. granted it’s survivor so who knows BUT i don’t think i need to play my idol. so that’s where i stand. Van It’s been a pretty chill day ngl. The Big Alliance™️ has pretty much decided who’s going home due to inactivity and just generally not caring about the game. Talk of Sasha has gone around, but everyone is still voting frank as of right now.

Tristin

I’m super happy that we won the challenge. I don’t have to worry about sending another player from out tribe to redemption island. However, this round Michele tempted me with the possibility of voting out someone big. She didn’t say who but I told her I was interested. I’m here for chaos gorls. Currently I’m solidifying a F2 with Worm because they’re cool and I like them. We also talked about voting off Gregg which is cool because Gregg is currently our weakest link. Also for the sake of the edgic, I must mention that I SEE lenny but she doesn’t do much which is a negative to me. She’s just barely above Gregg on my totem poll.

Worm

So since we are safe my mind is wandering. After playing enough orgs, my gut is telling me that there is already an alliance in place on my tribe. I first suspected in when Franco won the reward with 5 votes. Then after we lost I talked to Michele maybe 5 minutes after it was posted and she said that she already talked to some people and that they all seem to be on board with getting rid of Susan. And then today, Eliza told me that Lenny wanted to get rid of Rain last round and that her and a few others got Lenny to change her mind and go for Susan. This conversation had me concerned cause I haven't had many conversation about strategy other than confirming the Susan vote and few people saying they want to work with me.I digress on that. As I continued to talk to Eliza she then mentioned that Rain doesn't know about Lenny targeting them unless either Michele or Franco told them. So my brain connected some possible dots I kinda came to the conclusion that Eliza, Franco, Lenny, and Michele are working together (or at least Eliza, Franco, and Michele). I don't want to put the cart before the horse but I might need to see if I can solidify an alliance with Tristin and Rain (if they would only communicate with me :'( ). Not gonna reveal any of theses gut feelings yet but I'm gonna keep researching and seeing if my gut feelings are correct. And if the are I need to figure out if I wanna be messy if we go to tribal soon or just ride it until merge. I can go with the flow and just be social and go with the numbers but that might not be whats best for the long term of my game. There is so much mystery in this game that everything feels like a poor decision. I feel like the confused lady meme right now and its only the second round. (Reference: https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/021/464/14608107_1180665285312703_1558693314_n.jpg)

Erick

We lost the challenge :(  I had to exempt myself for medical reasons so I can’t help but feel partially responsible. But I feel safe in my alliance, and I feel confident we are voting out Frank.

Frank

I’m feeling a bit better about tribal. I said Sasha’s name before and now that’s spreading apparently since now I’ve heard their name from others. For right now I am happy but I am fully aware that anything can happen in the next few hours. I am going to try and maintain the conversations that I’ve had today throughout the game so I can be seen as more social. I just want to do well.

Lenny

I hope people in the tribe like me. I am not sure if I want to start an alliance with franco and worm or one with michele and eliza or both. I also think Tristan is a good person to have on my side. Very grateful we won this past challenge because I could’ve been in jeopardy with my performance in the duolingo. Why is the greek keyboard so anxiety provoking.

Maxyne

Okie dokie, so long story short we lost challenge and I think the plan is to vote Frank off unless it's a ruse to kill me instead. Tribals are always nerve wracking cause you never know what's gonna happen until it happens, and when it does happen... it's too late. I think i've been making good progress socially. I'm playing up the humor side as I usually do cause every tribe needs a clown. I'd be happy to fill that role it'll take me far. I don't think I'm a social threat as of right now but I would like to say that my tribe likes me. I didn't build the connection as much as I would like to this round since people came to me and I didn't come to them which doesn't always fly well. Hopefully if i survive tribal which is *checks time* a few minutes from now, i'd like to work more on my connections. Right now, it seems like Elle is the top of my personal leaderboard but i wanna expand my options. Also the idol hunt? Trash. I'd like to speak with the manager. I highly doubt that everyone here sucks at the idol hunt. One of these bitches have it. I fuckin know it. Someone has to be lying about it. Still, I wanna do what I can to find it. It's probably not there anymore but I need to satisfy my need to hunt. Anyways, let's go snuff a torch and hope it's not mine.

[pulverulents]

#28: crashing and burning and crying and hurting

the first time the thought of killing myself crossed my mind, i was so terrified of my own head that i immediately threw away every razor that i owned.

i was 15 then, and i haven't cut myself ever since.

but i'd be lying if i said that i haven't been suicidal more than once. and now more than ever, in the midst of what was i thought was a slow and steady healing, i want nothing more than to snap my fingers and cease to exist. if i was learning how to heal, why am i hurting so much now? if i was learning how to take care of myself, why am i falling back into the same unhealthy coping mechanisms? if i was learning how to love myself, why is it suddenly so hard to find reasons to live?

it was supposed to be getting easier, but it's not. it was supposed to stop hurting, but it's only getting worse. im losing control of my own head, and all of a sudden im the same terrified 15 year-old curled up on the floor in a corner of the bathroom, clutching my knees as close to my body as possible and pressing my forehead against them as i desperately try (and fail) to contain the hurt spilling out of me.

i was supposed to be healing. but maybe i wasn't after all.

and what of You? are You there? i used to have so much faith in You when i was 15, but now it seems all that has evaporated overnight. through every breakdown, every panic attack, every time i've poured out my heart while crying on the bathroom floor, i believed so adamantly that You were there to listen, that You were there to lift the pain, that You were there to carry me through the flood. but tonight i find myself questioning for the first time: were You even there? did You hear me? and even if You did, did You care? i know i am broken and unworthy and entirely fucked up in ways that i have only begun to comprehend, but after 20 years of calling You Father, i don't even know anymore what to believe in.

the thing is, if You're not there, then there is no longer any reason for me to live. i have fallen down and gotten back up countless of times already, but maybe this time all i want to do is lie on the ground and stare up at a starless sky until it engulfs me and i vanish. and maybe this time im too exhausted to even cry out to You once more in anything other than anger, and maybe im too exhausted to even force myself to believe that You’re there at such a time like this when nothing makes any fucking sense.

is this a suicide note? no. or at least, i dont think so. but then again, there are a lot of things that i thought were one thing but turned out to be something else. but i guess i'm also a coward, so that balances things out i suppose. im not scared of death, im just scared of hurting the people that i care about. im scared of giving them the burdens that i couldn't carry. it would shatter my sister beyond repair, and i can't do that to her. but it is so fucking tempting to be selfish.

i've never been strong, or brave, or selfless, and i probably never will. and i don't know how much longer i can pretend to be all those things. and most of all, i'm tired. physically, mentally, emotionally, all of it. so. fucking. tired. and i just want some rest, that's all. but maybe that's too much to ask for. 

----------------

So I wrote the stuff above a couple of hours ago in the notes app on my phone while sitting at my desk in hall just crying and reflecting on the breakdown that I had just had at home a couple of hours before that. And uh... reading it back a couple of hours later, I can’t say that I don’t still feel the same way, but I’m definitely a lot calmer now and a lot less emotional. But at the same time, I really do mean every word I said in there, and I don’t think I’m going to get out of this rut anytime soon. 

I honestly didn’t want to post this at first but I figured I needed to put it somewhere so I can get it out of my notes app so it doesn’t trigger a panic attack or anything whenever I open my notes app for actually important stuff that’s in there. But if you know me irl and are reading this now, this next wall of text is really important: do me a favour and don’t worry about me, ok? Easier said than done, I know, but believe me when I say that even though I’m not ok, I’ll find a way to deal with this on my own. It’s my own head, and even though I still can’t quite put into words what’s happening up there, I don’t want to put that burden onto anyone else. And if you’re thinking about talking to me irl about this or messaging me about it or anything, please don’t. I’m not ready to talk about this personally to anyone, or to elaborate much more than I already have, and I’m not sure if I ever will be. And if you still really really really want to pm / dm me, I appreciate your concern, just don’t expect any reply cos I probably won’t. And if you tell anyone that doesn’t have access to this blog or doesn’t know that this blog is mine, I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive you. Please don’t be mad with me, I just really need a bit of space right now and I hope you can respect that. Thanks.

-jo

#journal #entry 28

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work