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hetalia-reacts · 3 years

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I'm kind of experimenting with Yandere, so I'm going to send you at least 2 Yandere asks. This is the first one. May I have Yandere 2p Allies and Axis that's Vampires and they're falling falling in love with reader. But the problem is, the Reader is a Werewolf..... a very powerful one ( One that can rival them, and it's very possible if the darling can dominant them ). But other than that, the Reader is like this Huge energetic innocent puppy that likes to tackle hug them.

Allen

God he’s in love with your personality

He wants you all to himself for the rest of time

But of course there’s an issue

1) you’re a werewolf and he’s a vampire, you’d never willingly go with him even if you do love him

And then there’s problem number 2) you’re incredibly strong for a werewolf and Al’s a little afraid you might be able to take him down if he tries anything funny

And though Allen doesn’t have to worry about you not loving him or leaving him, he can’t have you the way he really wants you since you’d definitely could send him into a late grave

Allen would definitely concede to the best of his abilities and not completely take you and lock you away from everyone

He’d definitely try some mind games on you though, and try to occupy your time as much as vampirically possible

And after some time he’d probably consider changing you or attempting to change you so you could be with him forever, even if it makes you hate him

He just can’t bare the thought of living without you

Oliver

As yandere as he is Oliver has never truly considered locking you away

He’s not much of a fighter and every tactic he could use to get you and keep you would make him very unhappy to use

All of those plans include heavy drugs and poisons since you’re a werewolf and much stronger than he actually is

And he doesn’t much care for the idea of keeping you drugged and high since it might mean he’d never see you happily frolic or smile at him again

That is simply a sight Oliver cannot live without anymore

So he would never attempt to physically cage you, but he’d try to emotionally cage you

Always has an excuse to why he needs you home and why you can’t go out with your pack anymore or go hunting with them

Maybe sometimes gives small doses of drugs in food or drink so that your more complacent and easy to convince

Would regretfully drug you the day he decides to attempt to change you into a vampire/werewolf-vampire mix

He cant have you fighting back or saying no, that is the only day Oliver might get violent and super controlling towards you

He just needs you to stay with him forever so badly he wouldn’t mind shedding a bit of your blood

Oliver just gets so paranoid and scared one day you’ll never come back from seeing your pack so he has to do something, anything, that will keep you with him

Matt

As I’ve stated before Matt is a more lax and chill yandere

So he’d be more apt to just tell you he wants you home a lot and that he wants to spend forever with you

And with the fact that your incredibly strong even for a werewolf and could most definitely match him in a fight makes him a bit nervous to be sneaky with you

Tho he is confident he could take you, especially is Kuma(?) was around to help lock you up

Matt does psychologically mess with you

Just to make you more dependent on him and more likely to agree with him

He does this until he’s positive you’d agree immediately once asked if you want to become a vampire like him

He wants it to be as consensual as possible since he does love you and your innocent puppy personality and doesn’t want to corrupt it too much by having to physically force you while he changes you

Matt wants to keep you as authentic as he possibly can while keeping you all to himself

Francois

Absolutely hates this predicament

Out of everyone he could’ve easily loved it had to be an energetic, powerful werewolf that he couldn’t manipulate or overpower easily

Francois curses his bad luck in choosing a partner, but loves you never the less

Francois would end up coming up with an elaborate plan to lock you up after completely gaining your trust

Though he knows you love him, he knows you’re wary of him being a vampire even now

And he thinks your smart for being wary, but it honestly amuses him that him being a vampire should really be the least of your worries

He’d have you chained in only a few weeks after planning it out, keeping your shifting/breaking out at bay with drugs and strong silver bounds as well as keeping you far away from the moon and it’s light

Francois wouldn’t change you immediately

He honestly likes you being a werewolf and not soulless and hell-bound like him

But he might change his mind if you start getting more aggressive or show signs of breaking out

Francois can’t lose you, you make him feel happy even if you scream obscenities at him for locking you up

Viktor

Honestly he gets kind of pissy when he thinks about this perdicament

He’s a vampire ffs and yet he hesitates to take you, a literal ball of sunshine and energy, all for himself because you’re scarily powerful and dangerous

It really rubs him the wrong way to think about it

Viktor is no coward, however, so he’s going to make a very calculated plan to get you all for himself

Once he gets you, he confines you as well as he can somewhere far away from your pack, possibly even gets rid of them if he has the time

Viktor is not likely to drug you, he’s not very fond of that unlike some of the others

He will torture you in anyway he sees fit, even if he loses his precious ball of sunshine in the process, to him it’s just an unfortunate but needed loss in his plan

He changes you very quickly

Him changing you breaks your ties to the pack, if they’re still alive, and makes you weaker and easier to deal with and keep

Viktor does love you, and that’s why he has to keep you like this for the rest of your lives

Zao

Zao is a simple man with a simple plan

He just gets relatively comfortable with you and then boom, druggy time

He doesn’t care if you don’t act like yourself anymore

To him it’s all the same and as long as he doesn’t have to deal with you in your super strong werewolf form he figures your personality is an acceptable loss

Zao really did love your sunshine personality tho so sometimes it does bum him out that he’ll never see you like that again

Probably didn’t consider changing you until wayyy after kidnapping you

I’m talking like a year or more before he realizes that’s a thing he could do

When he changes you nothing much changes

He notices you’re a bit weaker and more lethargic after the bite, but your about the same as before after a few weeks so he figures you’re perfectly fine and frozen in time like he is

Luciano

So angry and vocal about the situation

Like why did you have to be the most perfect creature he’s ever seen? Why did you have to be so strong and clever?

So salty about it

Luciano would try to not lock you up, but the second someone looks at you the wrong way it’s to the basement with you and the death of whoever dared trying something with his darling

He’s not above drugging you but would prefer not to if you just behaved so he didn’t have to

Doesn’t consider changing you for a long time

Luciano is almost in love with the fact that you’re so fragile that the passage of time would make you weak

He’d eventually change you before you got really old because at the end of the day he realized he couldn’t live without you

Lutz

Lutz is so in love with you but so frustrated with what you are

He’s strong, but lazy

He could match you, maybe even overpower you if he really tried, but it’s so frustrating that the one thing he wants doesn’t come with ease

If you’d’ve been any other creature, or god even better human, he would have no trouble stealing you away

But of course you were a werewolf who everyone loved and watched out for

Lutz would get so frustrated with himself and think himself into exhaustion many nights thinking of a no hassle way to get you home with him forever

Of course he finally does it while you’re sleeping thanks to some super strong sedatives he slipped you

He would consider changing you before you woke up or before the sedatives wore off just so everything would be so much easier on him and you’d be too high and out of it to ever really question him

So Lutz would naturally go with that plan, he bites you after settling you down in your forever prison

He does it out of possession more than needing you forever, Lutz just wants your pack and every other vampire and werewolf out there to know that your his forever

Kuro

Kuro loves the idea of you more than he actually loves you

He loves the power and status he’d get from changing and keeping

Of course he still is madly in love with you, but he’s more so in love with his power fantasy

Kuro would love to just waltz in and take you, but even he can admit that he would barely match you in a fight and he certainly can’t take on you and the rest of your pack at the same time

So he lures you to his home as sweetly as he possibly can

There he quickly knocks you out and chains you away

He’s likely to play with you for a week or maybe even as long as a couple of months before he decides it’s no longer fun and just wants you to be his forever

Having some decency Kuro would attempt to ask you if you consented to being changed

If you said no or put up a fight he simply knock you out and do what needs to be done

If you agree you’re playing right into his sick little fantasy as he sees this as a sign that he’s completely tamed you now, both mentally and physically

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vodkctonics · 5 years

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[ im changkyun, cismale, he/him, 24 ] DESPERADO by RIHANNA? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of JAEHYUK "JAE" KHANG. maybe because they’re DARING but also AGGRESSIVE. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since OCTOBER of 2013 in APARTMENT 402 and have 2 ROOMMATES. ( LATE NITE by FOALS & SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW by GOYTE ft. KIMBRA )

it me, ya girl, cait, back at it again with another trash baby bc why not!! i tried to go a lil more indepth with his intro than i have my previous ones ( i’m sorry ya’ll had to deal with those garbage intros ok i really am ) along with giving ya’ll his basic stats and some basic connection ideas for him. ( also if you’re interested HERE is his pinterest board !! ) if ya’ll wanna plot with this trash bb, like this or hmu on discord ( 𝘫𝘰𝘰𝘩𝘦𝘰𝘯 𝘷𝘤 — 𝕙𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕠.#7518 ) or tumblr im if you don’t have discord !! anyways, onto the good shit !!

general information.

full name: jaehyuk khang. nickname(s): jae, hyuk, hyukkie, khang. date of birth: october 26st, 1994. age: twenty-four. nationality: korean. spoken languages: english, korean, chinese, japanese, french, spanish, german & russian. gender: cismale. pronouns: he / him / his. sexuality: bisexual. faceclaim: im changkyun ( i.m ) of monsta x.

background.

hometown: ulsan, south korea. current residence: baltimore, maryland. mulberry apartments, apt 402. financial status: middle to upper class. occupation: drug dealer / gang leader. education level: high school diploma. family connections: tba.

extra information.

myers briggs: entp-a. ( the debater. ) enneagram: eight. ( the challenger. ) temperament: choleric. moral aligment: neutral evil. hogwarts house: slytherin. sin: wrath. virtue: pride. zodiac: scorpio. element: fire.

biography.

born and raised in korea

parents were pretty strict and didn’t really allow him to do well.. anything.

however, they did buy him whatever he wanted and spoiled him in that way

and due to both of those things combined, he started to rebel at a really young age. ( i’m talking like 10 )

so he’d sneak out, graffiti people’s houses and break things and the likes.

pretty much got kicked out of his home for his actions at the age of 13.

slept on friends couches or in their basements and was pretty much on the street after that.

met some people a year later who saw potential in jae and basically paid for him to come to the states with him.

so without a word to his parents or friends, he moved to the states at 14.

those people were not really ‘good’ people, but they took jaehyuk under their wing and taught him how to fight, how to handle weapons and how to take care of himself.

n not long after that, he was ‘initiated’ into their gang as nothing but a runner

which he loved for a while, but he wanted more, he wanted to climb up the ladder.. so that’s what he did. by whatever means necessary.

it took him a few years of busting his ass and doing whatever he was told to do, but that paid off by the leader appointing jae as his right hand.

it was more power than he’d ever had before, and he thrived off of it.

sadly, though, the leader and a few other men got involved in a drug deal gone bad and he lost them.

but on the other hand, that meant jae, who’d been the right-hand for a year or so, was now the leader. he had the most amount of power within that gang and he took full advantage of it.

personality.

hides behind a wall of sarcasm, cockiness, anger and lust.

doesn’t really care to get to know people and had a tendency to push people away before they get too close to him. because he really… doesn’t want to get hurt again & doesn’t want to put them @ risk.

wears glasses to read and mess w computers, but hates them a lot and probably won’t wear them if people are around.

wears tf out of jeans, v-necks, sweats, leather jackets and anything that makes him look like your typical fuckboi ?? it’s kinda his aesthetic.

is …. stubborn as hell and refuses to ask for help with anything.

his motorcyle and cars are literally his babies ??? like he ?? has a problem ??

a hotmess

loves halloween so much?? he gets so hype for that holiday it’s unreal.

fluent in a lot of languages, picked them up so that he didn’t need translators at meetings and the likes.

lowkey worried that people will figure out that he’s actually v hurt inside because that’ll cause him to start having to deal with his feelings again, and he doesn’t wanna do that.

is the biggest flirt you will ever meet?? like if he’s speaking 2 u… its usually flirty as hell unless it has 2 do w business or he’s just known u for centuries ?

will try to get everyone to go to bars n parties with him because that’s his life in a nutshell ??

hella nerd on the inside though like owns so many comic books, loves to play video games, read books, plays piano / violin & all that jazz.

super, super intelligent. could probably work @ nasa but instead he decided to do what he does & he honestly… ain’t complaining.

drinks..heavily.. like every night?? it’s a problem tbh.

he cares… god he cares so much about people and the world but he pretends to hate everything because it’s easier than letting people in.

full of horrible and cheesy pick up lines and jokes and frequently texts people said pick up lines and jokes.

owns a book that is full of nothing but blank pages and keeps it on his coffee table because he ‘relates’ to it.

is a highkey hoe but he keeps it on the dl

super into fitness as it’s a way to keep him away from drinking every evening. ( that doesn’t work lol )

loves boxing so much and can be seen at the gym quite a bit.. also has bruised knuckles 24/7 because of it as it’s a way to take out his aggression and feelings out on a punching bag?

speaking of... anger issues af.

actually super kind and caring once you’re able to see get past his wall?? which is really hard to do due to his job but if u do it he’ll cherish u.

has a bad habit of smoking whenever he’s stressed out, which is usually all of the time so he smokes…. more than he should

highkey into cuddling and all the cute shit like that but would literally never tell a soul because then they’d see that he isn’t such a hardass.

is a burnt cupcake who has really good intentions but has extremely horrible execution skills. ( and no i don’t mean the violent kind bc he’s actually v good @ that )

plot ideas.

bad influence. ( on your muse. )

best friends.

childhood friend.

competition.

confidant.

cousin.

current hook up(s).

drinking buddies.

drunken hook up.

enemies that used to be friends.

enemies.

exes who ended on bad terms.

flirtationship.

frenemies.

friendly competition.

friends that used to be enemies.

friends with benefits.

good influence. ( on jaehyuk. )

hate sex.

one night stand(s). ( past & present. )

partner in crime.

party buddies.

past hook up(s).

ride or die.

social media friends.

trouble makers.

unlikely friends.

#soundintro #❝ ✦ ◜ᴀ ᴅɪғғᴇʀᴇɴᴛ ʙᴇᴀᴛ.◞ — OUT OF CHARACTER.

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nivq87 · 6 years

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Deltarune thoughts

so I launched the survey program, and then after completing it, it pulled a flowey sorta and closed itself down. WHICH is how I learned that there’s save slots!

[spoilers on ahead]

which is neat cause I wanted to do some different stuff this time. specifically the mean stuff, and ALSO I was hoping I could access my file again because I forgot to go back and find the last piece of the key so I could unleash the basement freedom dude.

also it wasn’t until after I finished the survey program that I noticed that deltarune is an anagram of undertale. which is... really sad imo since we already knew about the delta rune back IN undertale. I am just that big a dumbass.not noticing for literal years.

ANYWAY, some thoughts from the first playthrough

the reason my save file is MEGAN instead of my usual handle is because I totally got tricked by toby again, the vessel got the name niv, and then when it asked about me, I was just kinda

first thing, Kris is cute, and I was super thrown by how empty their half the room was, it was pretty sad and i’m concerned for this kid too, how unhappy they must be. Seeing toriel gave me all kinds of :D feels, and the drive through town was nice, I thought maybe this was a post undertale game, this world they built.

then school and almost getting murdered by bullies and going to the underworld. The characters are cute and super funny. if you saw my post that was 90% punctuation, the happy face was about hugging raslei and then the dummy, it was just so super adorable.

I can’t remember any concrete thoughts about the story line itself, it seemed to speak for itself pretty well, until the end when ralsei did his teary goodbye, and revealed himself to look a lot like teen asriel. which, shoulda been obvious to me, but I think I already established that I need anagrams explained to me or I won’t notice.

walking back around the town was super disorienting too, because aside from toriel and asgore being divorced and having their kid asriel (who is at college apparently?) and besides the NEW characters, none of frisks old friends seemed to know each, other. Grillby is gone, and Sans bought the place and turned it into a grocery store (but at least is still a troll and I am a bonfide idiot baby). The brothers home didn’t have all their lights on it, and good ol papyrus won’t even open the door to talk to you. Apparently they just moved in the other day.

alphys and undyne don’t know each other, bratty and catty hate each other, I found the graves of gerson and snowy’s mom, the dog leader, and shyra. It was all very melancholy and othering and wrong. I explored the town and couldn’t find susie again. At the beginning, I forgot the classic undertale controls, so it wasn’t until after getting back to the school that I noticed up top in the light that it had the classic undertale interface.

Eventually I just go back to toriel, and to bed, and the part where kris just yanks their soul out, and caged it, and gives the fourth wall that murder look scared the shit out of me, and I just have SO MANY QUESTIONS. WHAT IS HAPPENING??

why is everything so wrong? why is everything so christian? why is everything so heteronormative? why is kris the only human in monster town? why is deltarune the beforus of homestuck? the WoD of WoW? (which is extra apt to me since the last boss of the game has the mouth stomach and gorefiend was a wod raid boss then lol)

then I went all the say back to go find the last key piece and apparently there’s just this optional boss fight way back here, who reminds me of of lil cal. stupid laughing murder clowns. stupid murder jesters named jevil. stupid me taking way too long to notice he can use all the card suites because he’s a jester.

unfortunately, I suck at games too much to win, and I am sleepy and have a cold. when I went to try and Be a Douche, I realized that I can’t, not really, that’s not a choice I can make in this game. At most, people seem a little meaner. I was curious for sure if susie would still leave even thought I was fighting everything else.

The only significant change was that at the end, instead of a moshpit, the king is tired and ralsei casts pacify on him. Lancer doesn’t even seem perturbed about the beat down he got? he’s just like, ‘yeah that’ll happen, oh look he’s even having a beauty nap!’ but the people we beat up are beating down the doors to the throne room to get at us, and ralsei hurries us out, does the face reveal, and there’s no time for good byes, ‘because we’re the bad guys so we only have bad byes’ thanks lancer. anyway, the king is still in power, no governmental overthrow this time.

the town and the end scene in the bedroom was no different after doing all that, but I might have to and redo the last fight a few times, see if the end is any different after being a douche and then talking down the king

#Why am I rambling #undertale #deltarune #technically typed this all up ON halloween #but I'm not posting until tomorrow anyway #and then I went and added more anyway on the first #oh well

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adambstingus · 7 years

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5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162144044077

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samanthasroberts · 7 years

Text

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

To all that I say: Poppycock.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

Get your tickets here:

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

0 notes

allofbeercom · 7 years

Text

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

To all that I say: Poppycock.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

0 notes