#it's under control now and taking hormonal meds for this but still ugh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sapphicscholar · 6 years

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Prompt 1: Could you write a fic where Alex and Kara are de-aged into teenagers physically, not mentally, so they just have to deal with still having adult brains while being too young to drive anymore, or drink (poor Alex :P), and general teenage awkwardness?

Prompt 2: I really loved the de-aging fic that you wrote a while back. Could I request another fic with de-aged Alex, except this time Winn has to babysit her (because I think that would be really hilarious)?

A/N: I don’t know if you’re the same anon or if you two strangers happened to catch the same idea in the same hour (if so, that’s neat! Maybe y’all should try to find each other cause you’re weirdly on the same page), but in any case, I combined these two into de-aged Danvers sisters – they’ve got their adult memories and such, but have the brains and hormones of their new young selves (aka teenage brains, which aren’t fully developed, so things literally feel and seem different) For another de-aging fic, feel free to check out Chapter 14 of Stronger Together!

Chapter Text:

“Agent Schott!” came J’onn’s booming voice.

“Yes?” he squeaked in response, quickly minimizing the game of Minecraft he’d so definitely not been playing on a government computer.

“I need your help.”

“Oh, yes, sir! What can I do? Need me to hack the unhackable? Slip on under some firewalls? Type my way into—”

“Just come with me,” J’onn sighed.

“Right, yes, on it.” Winn hurried to catch up with the brisk pace J’onn had set as he strode through the DEO’s long hallways. “What’s up?”

“Supergirl and alpha team went out on a routine containment mission, but while team members were bringing in the alien, Supergirl and Agent Danvers came into contact with some of the technology that had been left behind in the alien’s lair.”

“Did they switch bodies again?” Winn sounded positively delighted by the prospect.

“No, Agent Schott. They are…well, they’re younger.”

“Are we talking baby young or like just shaving a couple of years off younger?”

“The medics seem to think they’re 13 and 15, give or take about a year.”

Before Winn could ask any more questions, they arrived at the med bay, where he was confronted with the sight of two teenage girls sitting side-by-side on one of the examination tables wearing slightly baggy clothing that had surely been scrounged up from the XXS bins of DEO uniforms. Alex had a phone out and headphones jammed into her ears, while Kara was sitting with her hands folded in her lap, leaning slightly into Alex’s space.

“Wow,” Winn whispered, startling slightly when Kara’s gaze immediately jumped to him. “Oh, uh, hey, Kara,” Winn waved. “My name is Winn Schott.”

“I know,” Kara responded simply, her voice quieter than it usually was.

“Oh.” He turned to look at J’onn.

“They seem to still have all of their memories,” J’onn explained. “I need you to watch them.”

“What? You think he’s gonna do a better job?” Alex scoffed. “Let me guess, you found him playing video games.”

“It’s city-building,” Winn huffed, biting his tongue when he realized that he was about to argue semantics with a kid.

“We’ll be fine on our own.”

“As adults, yes. Not in your current state, Alex,” J’onn told her, ignoring the eye roll he received in response.

“This is bullshit.”

“Language!” J’onn and Winn both called in response.

“Whatever,” Alex scoffed, stuffing her headphones back in her ears.

“Alex. Alex! Can you take those out?” J’onn asked, finding himself growing increasingly exasperated with the surly teenager who had replaced his capable second-in-command.

“What?”

“I’m going to need you to go with Winn here. He’ll watch you until we have an antidote ready.”

Alex looked ready to argue, but then the corners of her mouth twitched upward for a moment. “Alright.”

“What…what does that mean?” Winn hissed. “J’onn!”

“You’re perfectly capable, Winn.” He didn’t add that James and Maggie both happened to be out of town; surely Winn would be just fine for a day or two. He liked kids, could relate to them. J’onn convinced himself that young teenagers would work just as well.

“You’re the Papa Bear here! You should probably, you know, be the one to play papa.” Seeing the resolved look on J’onn’s face, Winn conceded, “Fine.”

“Perfect. You can take them back to your apartment—less to get into there than here at the DEO.” With a clap to Winn’s shoulder, J’onn strode out, yelling over his shoulder that he’d send some supplies to them that night if it looked like it wouldn’t be an easy fix.

Winn nodded grimly. “Alright!” he announced, his voice strained with fake enthusiasm at the prospect of trying to watch over an Alex that lacked the self-control of the already somewhat angry agent. “You two ready to come hang out at my place?”

Alex stood up, and Kara followed in her wake, standing slightly behind her and looking cautiously around. As much as she remembered liking Winn, she didn’t yet feel the same friendship she remembered, couldn’t drown out the loud footfalls all around her, the loud whirring and beeping of medical equipment, the sound of people’s hearts beating, their feet tapping, fingers drumming.

“Do you need to get anything? If not, my car’s just down in the garage.”

“I’ll take my bike,” Alex said, skirting past Winn.

“Oh, no you won’t.” Winn quickly side-stepped his way in front of Alex. “You’re not 16 yet! And wait, no, you have to be 18 to drive a motorcycle, so you’re definitely not able to do that.”

“I have the memories of a 30-year-old.” Alex crossed her arms across her chest and glared up at Winn, who didn’t budge.

“And would you suggest I let your little sister go off and fight aliens just because she remembers doing it?” Winn countered.

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“One is dangerous.”

“Do you even know how many people die in motorcycle accidents each year?” Winn couldn’t even care that he sounds like every sitcom mom in that moment.

“That’s because they’re not doing it right.”

“Maybe we should just go in the car,” Kara whispered to Alex. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Ugh, you’re such a goody two-shoes.” Alex stormed ahead, her phone out and in her hands. She didn’t really have anything to do on it, but she wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone else.

“Alex,” Kara pleaded, trying to get her sister to look at her again. She raced to catch up to her, tapping her lightly on the shoulder. “C’mon, Alex, talk to me.” But Alex just shrugged her shoulder, pushing away Kara’s hand and steadfastly ignoring her.

“Hey, it’s alright,” Winn assured Kara, who hung back, staying a few feet away from Alex. “It’s just, you know, a lot to deal with all at once.”

“I’m going through the same thing, though.” Kara’s voice was smaller than he’d ever heard it, and Winn fought the urge to hug her, figuring that was probably only good to do with grown-up Kara.

“I know. But hopefully we’ll have you two back to your normal selves in no time! And while we wait, you can totally come have fun at my apartment. I’ve got video games and lots of movies.”

“Can you get us pizza and potstickers for dinner?”

“So that part of your personality was pretty constant throughout your life, huh?” Winn teased. “And yes, we can get them.”

Kara beamed up at him and looked significantly happier than she had just a few minutes ago, though Winn wasn’t dumb enough to comment on the mood swing there.

By the time they got back to Winn’s apartment, his nerves were already feeling slightly frayed from a less than relaxing car ride. Between Kara’s squealed warnings when she heard a horn or screeching breaks—often miles away from where they were—and Alex’s snorts of condescending laughter each time Winn tried to stick out the “mom arm” when he had to break hard to convince Kara that they were safe and he was listening to her warnings, Winn was ready for a nap.

“I’m hungry,” Kara stated bluntly, plopping down into the same chair adult Kara always claimed when she hung out at his place too.

“Well, lucky for you, I always keep Kara-sized amounts of snacks around—just in case.” He ignored Alex murmuring something about his lingering crush showing and rustled through his cabinets until he found the jumbo tub of frosted animal crackers. “Can I get you anything, Alex?”

“Pass.”

“Oh-kay.” Eventually he cleared his throat. “Um, did you two want to…do anything? I have games or television? We should probably order dinner soon—it’s getting late.”

“I want Thai,” Alex offered, breaking her general silence.

“I still want pizza and potstickers!”

“I—well, I guess we can get both,” Winn shrugged, picking up his phone to call not one, not two, but three different restaurants for delivery. At least they were somewhat familiar with getting large orders from him for the nights Kara and the rest of the superfriends came over.

---

After dinner, J’onn popped in with a bag of clothing, as well as toothbrushes and phone chargers for the Danvers sisters.

“How’s it looking?” Winn asked, his tone pointed, anxiety radiating off of him like waves.

“We’re working, but it’s…slower going than we’d have liked.”

“I could probably fix it within the hour,” Alex pointed out, barely looking up from her phone.

“Mm, yes, and think about the headlines now – covert government organization exploiting child labor.”

“Whatever.”

“Hi, J’onn,” Kara waved. “Do you have any of those noise-dampening headphones?”

“I can look. Are you alright? Were your powers affected?”

Kara shook her head. “I don’t think so…it’s just, sometimes when there are big changes, like, oh, I don’t know, getting much smaller and younger, it’s harder to control my powers.”

While J’onn talked to Winn about ways they might be able to minimize the stress, Alex turned to Kara, her phone suddenly forgotten. “Hey, can I help?”

“No, it’s just…really loud. And when I can’t focus there, it’s harder to control everything else.”

“Well, why don’t you try just focusing on my voice or my heartbeat like you did when you were still getting used to it here, huh?”

“Yeah…yeah, okay,” Kara agreed, settling her head against Alex’s chest and closing her eyes as she focused in on the steady beating of Alex’s heart, willing herself to drown out the rest of the world.

When J’onn left and Winn caught sight of the two of them curled up, he was tempted to tiptoe away, leaving them be, but Alex’s voice startled him back to the present. “I can feel you hovering.”

“Ah, yes…did you want to watch a movie?”

“Sure,” Alex shrugged. “But I get to pick.”

“I guess that’s alright…”

She ended up choosing Jennifer’s Body, much to Kara’s chagrin, and within the first half hour, Kara has singed burning holes into his coffee table and plant after getting spooked and accidentally sending bursts of heat vision through his furniture.

“Perhaps we should find a new movie,” Winn suggested, only to have his concerns rebuffed. When Jennifer began stripping, though, Winn called it quits and paused the movie. “That’s enough. This isn’t appropriate for you.”

“I’ve seen literally everything that could be shown here,” Alex countered.

“But this isn’t an appropriate context.”

“I’ve had sex, Winn. Lots of it. I remember it all,” Alex argued with him.

“Not at your current age!”

“You don’t know that,” Alex shot back, crossing her arms defiantly. She was so sick of hearing that she couldn’t do this or that, all because she happened to be in a smaller body.

Winn stammered until Kara cut in, giggling softly: “She’d only ever kissed a boy at 15.”

“Shut up!” Alex yelled, her face flaming bright red as tears prickled at her eyes. She hated that she couldn’t simply tamp down on her emotions the way she normally did, hated how everything felt so much closer to the surface, like one small crack in the façade was all it would take to bring her control crumbling down around her. Grabbing her phone, Alex stormed off into the guest bedroom where Winn told them they could sleep and slammed the door behind her.

She sniffled, refusing to let the tears fall. She just wanted Maggie, wanted her life back. Figuring it was late enough that Maggie might be done with her training, she sent her a text: “Shitty day. Wish you were here.”

A few minutes later her phone chimed back with a response: “Miss you too babe. Just one more day.”

Realizing that Maggie didn’t know, might be the one person who would treat her normally, Alex happily fell into a routine, texting back and forth about Maggie’s training and her own day, only mentioning that the containment mission had gone poorly and that Winn was being particularly frustrating without going into the specifics.

About an hour later, there was a soft knock on the door. “What?” Alex yelled.

“Can I come in?” Winn’s tone was even, though she suspected that no wouldn’t be an acceptable answer.

“Fine,” Alex huffed, standing up and unlocking the door.

“Hey,” Winn greeted her, sitting down on the chair in the room, leaving the bed to Alex. “I know this is tough, but we’ve gotta be really careful until we have you back to your normal self, okay?”

“Fine.”

“Alex,” Winn sighed, rubbing at his forehead. He was good with real kids, the ones who didn’t have 30 years’ worth of memories shoved into their heads, coexisting uneasily with the emotional volatility of an adolescent. His attention snapped into focus at the sound of her phone’s text alert. “Who are you texting?”

“None of your business. It’s my own damn phone.”

Winn grabbed the phone from her, grateful that she was still small enough that hopefully her threats about all that she could do with her index finger were empty. “You can’t text Maggie! She doesn’t know! It’s—it’s unethical!”

“She’s my girlfriend!”

“She’s 30-year-old Alex’s girlfriend!”

“It’s not like we’re sexting!”

“Did you tell her you’re 15 now?” Winn demanded.

Alex just glared at him.

“So you didn’t,” he concluded.

“What? Is it really so bad that one person might treat me like a normal fucking person?”

“Just…you can’t be talking to Maggie like that now. I’m keeping your phone.”

“What the hell! J’onn didn’t give you permission to cut off my ability to communicate with him.”

“If it’s an emergency, you can use my phone.”

“Get out of my room!” Alex ordered, and Winn finally gave in, taking Alex’s phone with him.

An hour or two later—Alex couldn’t quite be sure without her phone, she heard Winn wishing Kara a good night and showing her where towels and toothbrushes were to get ready for bed.

“Do you want to take my bed? I can take the couch,” he offered.

“No, Alex will be fine.”

Winn sounded unconvinced, but he figured Kara had memories of teenage Alex, so he’d let her serve as the subject expert there.

After a bit, Alex heard the door creak open, and she pretended to be asleep, unwilling to deal with whatever heart-to-heart conversation Kara thought they might have had together. The mattress dipped slightly when she crawled in, and she felt the weight of Kara’s gaze as she peered over at her big sister before finally dropping her head down to the pillows.

Once enough time had passed that Kara appeared sound asleep (and Alex figured Winn would surely be passed out, exhausted from his afternoon of parenting), Alex crept out into the living room, poking around for her phone until she found it in the menu drawer. Rookie mistake, she thought.

She sent a text to Maggie, only to have it ignored. She wondered if Winn had called her, told her not to speak to Alex. Increasingly frustrated, she pulled open cabinet doors until she spied a bottle of whiskey she’d left at Winn’s place after their first game night there when she found out he only stocked beer and some old bottle of gin that tasted more like nail polish remover than something she would voluntarily ingest.

She turned the TV on, keeping the volume low, and settled in with a glass of whiskey to watch something without having it censored mid-viewing.

An episode and a half of some vaguely remembered legal procedural and another glass or two of whiskey later, Kara wandered into the living room. “What are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“I mean, why aren’t you in bed?” Kara asked. “And why are you drinking. It’s bad for you.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine,” Alex retorted, ignoring the fact that her words slurred together against her best efforts.

“You don’t sound fine.”

“Can you just stop—stop trying to be so damn good for one second. This sucks. It’s shitty. Can you not admit that?”

“I…yeah, it does,” Kara finally conceded. “I miss having control over my powers that doesn’t feel like hard work all the time. I miss, ya know, not accidentally shooting lasers from my eyes,” she chuckled softly, eyeing the coffee table that had, at the very least, stopped smoking.

“What if we did something to feel better?”

“Like what?”

“What if we went flying?”

“I don’t know, Alex…that sounds like the kind of thing we definitely got in trouble for when we were this age.”

“What are they gonna do? Take dad away again? Drag us into the DEO? Guess what, both of those things have already happened.”

“Um, yeah, okay…I guess.”

“It’ll be fun. You can let loose, not have to worry.”

Alex was always convincing, and Kara found herself nodding, even though her stomach still twisted with nerves. But when Alex carefully pried the window open and the cool night breeze hit her, Kara relaxed slightly. “C’mon,” she whispered, motioning for Alex to clamber up around her the way she had when they were younger and had to fit through small bedroom windows.

With a few less-than-coordinated movements, they managed to get outside, and Kara shot up in the air gleefully only to find Alex yelling at her to stop.

“What? This was your idea, Alex.”

“The world is spinning. Everything is spinning,” Alex whimpered, closing her eyes tight and trying to take deep breaths to soothe her churning stomach.

“I told you that you drank too much,” Kara scolded, carefully lowering them back down with as little back-and-forth movement as she could manage.

“I’ve never gotten that drunk from just a few fingers of whiskey,” Alex whined, letting herself sink down to the ground and pressing the back of her head against the cool wall, willing the room to stop moving around her.

“I bet you would have back when you were 15,” Kara countered.

“Who’s here?” Winn yelled, stumbling out of his bedroom in Supergirl pajama pants and a Superman t-shirt—as if to prove how unbiased he was—and looking completely unthreatening. He flicked on the lights, spotting Alex sitting on the ground and Kara hovering beside her, the window still open and a bottle of whiskey out on the counter. “What the hell, guys?” he whined, feeling the weight of responsibility falling heavily back on his shoulders. “It’s nighttime, time for sleeping. Could you not let me have just this one thing to myself?”

“Alex is drunk,” Kara informed him. “Like, really drunk.”

“Please don’t throw up on my floor.”

“I won’t,” Alex gritted out through clenched teeth.

“Here just”—Winn took a deep breath, trying to wake up fully—“Kara, you go close the window. Alex, you stay there or move to sit on the couch.” He walked into the kitchen and filled a tall glass with water, then pulled down a bag of pretzels, pouring a few handfuls into a bowl. “Sip slowly, and eat carbs—it should help you from being too hungover tomorrow.”

Alex nodded, gratefully accepting the food and water from him. Once she finished the glass of water and had eaten enough of the pretzels to feel her stomach settling slightly, she offered to go to the guest room and let Winn get back to sleep.

“Not a chance. Another glass of water.” Kara grabbed the glass and quickly refilled it for her. “I’ll sit up with you until you’ve sobered up a little more. Don’t need you laying down and getting the spins.”

“They’re the worst,” Alex agreed.

“Yeah…yeah, they are.” After a few more minutes of silence, Winn spoke up again. “Remember that night Mon-El, uh, went missing from the DEO for a bit?”

“You mean when you too him out drinking?” Kara corrected, remembering just how dead to the world Winn had been the next morning.

“Yeah, alright, fine. Well, he’s pretty much immune to Earth alcohol, like Kara, though we didn’t know it yet. So I was matching him drink for drink, and suddenly the whole world was spinning. He thought it would be the nice thing to do if he carried me home…”

“Oh god,” Alex groaned. “Did he do the leaping bounces the whole way?”

“He did. God, I feel sick just thinking about it,” he mused, pulling laughs from Kara and Alex as well. “I sat up the whole night just drinking water after I let my head drop for just a second and felt I was on a tilt-a-whirl ride. Point being: I’ll sit up with you as long as it takes, Alex.”

“Thanks,” she mumbled. “You don’t—I know we’ve not really been the easiest on you.”

“You haven’t,” he admitted. “But I imagine it’s frustrating—knowing everything but not really being able to do anything about it.”

“I wasn’t one of those kids who thought high school was the best time of my life. In fact, I decidedly did not want to go back to those years.”

“You were popular before I showed up,” Kara volunteered.

“But if the people I hung out with were such jackasses to you, I think that’s proof enough that they’re not the people I’d want to go back and spend even more time with now.” Kara smiled up at her and dropped her head to Alex’s shoulder.

“Now it’s just like prom,” Kara murmured. “You—drunk and dizzy. Me—hanging out alone.”

“You weren’t old enough for prom. Don’t make it sound like you were Carrie or something,” Alex snorted.

“Wait, I think I need to know about drunk Alex Danvers at prom,” Winn cackled.

“Someone spiked the punch, then we had an afterparty on the beach. Lots of really cheap beer. But my date got—well, I didn’t want to, you know, so I stumbled home. We lived close by.” Alex paused for a moment in tipsy contemplation. “A lot of things make so much more sense now.”

“Like why you shouldn’t drink cheap beer?”

“Like why I wanted to ditch my date and spend all night with Vicky.”

Winn and Kara laughed at that, nodding in understanding. They chatted for a while longer, finally heading back to bed around the time the sun began to rise.

---

Over breakfast, J’onn called, informing Winn that they hoped to have an antidote to test by that evening. Yesterday Winn would have been horrified by the idea of having to babysit for another full day. But after last night, he felt like they had reached an uneasy truce. And since J’onn had given him the day off, he found he had more than a few ideas.

“Well…you know how there are some things that kind of require a kid…or are less awkward if you bring a kid?”

“What movie do you want to see?” Kara asked, knowing Winn well enough to know what he was thinking before he even voiced it.

“There was that new Cars movie,” Winn suggested. Kara looked pleased by the idea, though Alex remained unconvinced. “And then I thought maybe we could head down to the gocart track…not quite the same thing as a motorcycle, but you’re just the right size for those carts.”

“I’m in,” Alex quickly accepted the offer, figuring enjoying a day or two without the weight of adult responsibilities might not actually be the worst thing in the world. And the greasy egg and bacon sandwich Winn made her for breakfast, paired with a side of advil, had already done wonders for the wicked hangover she’d managed to incur during her overnight adventures.

---

Maggie got back to National City and rushed over to the DEO just in time to see teenage Alex for a few minutes before she went in for the antidote. Even with just a hug from Maggie, Alex had managed to flush a deep shade of red, stammer over her words, and stumble over her own feet on her way in between her girlfriend and the med bay. Luckily when she came out a few minutes later looking much more like her adult self, she had sense and composure enough to loudly threaten anyone who had seen her awkward teenage self within an inch of their lives if they ever brought it up or told any of the new recruits a word about it.

“Very convincing after the whole lovestruck teenager look,” Maggie teased.

“Oh shut up.”

“C’mon, Danvers, let’s get you home. I hear you’ve got quite the hangover to sleep off.”

“Winn!” Alex roared over her shoulder. The sound of his laughter echoed all the way down the DEO hallways.

#danvers sisters #de-aging #de-aged!Kara #de-aged!Alex #kara danvers #alex danvers #winn schott #fanfic #prompt fill #stronger together #ao3feed

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technicolordeams · 7 years

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July Health Update

It’s been a couple months since I updated my health status. I’m now 112.5lbs. I only need 7.5 more pounds until I hit my goal. I guess it’s my goal. I don’t know anymore. That’s just what everyone keeps telling me that I need to get be at so I’m going along with it. It doesn’t matter to me at this point anymore. Weight really doesn’t matter to me much anymore. I had accepted that I’d be skinny most of my life and had given up trying to force change. Just stay healthy. (LOL well I kinda stayed healthy) But I have been officially declared disabled by the state. So I’m getting SSI now. Not happy about it though. I want to be able to do things on my own and be okay. Work for my money instead of being trapped at home because I’m mentally ill, physically weak, and still can’t eat food. So many things I should have done differently but it’s too late now. Got to deal with what I’ve been given. Thankful though that I got it. I can help pay some of my medical bills.

The past two weeks have been hell. Since my body is healing and stuff, my hormones are going absolute crazy- especially around that time of the month. Which was last week. But the past two months my PMS has gone freaking insane. But I got really bad this month. I really lost control and did a lot of stupid things.. I had a massive meltdown one day right after my parents left for work. I was having panic attacks throughout that day already and had gotten into a fight with my dad and it was getting to me as well as all the other things that likes to go through my head all the time. :| I ended up locking myself in my room and wouldn’t let my parents get in so they left because they had to work. Right after I just broke down and started bawling so bad... And I couldn’t stop. Tried taking my meds to calm me but it wasn’t working so I took more than I was supposed to and still didn’t work. I was scared of what I’d do because I felt so... I don’t know. Out of control. Wanted to break things and just like... stop. Wanted to just sleep. So I texted one of the counselors I had at church a while back and she came over and helped calm me down. I was just curled up on the floor half-way out of my closet for over an hour crying and freaking out. After I calmed down and she left I like passed out for a couple hours lol Medicine finally kicked in. It’s so bad that I can override it so easily with my freak outs. So much for sedatives.. I’m probably used to the dosage already so it doesn’t affect me like it used to anymore. And I’m afraid of getting addicted to it or having to increase it to calm down.

This past week has been riddled with bad memories as well. Summer doesn’t go well for me, especially around the 4th of July. Bad memories from being hospitalized and treatment try to pop up and distract me from reality and immobilize me. Thankfully my parents had their days off on it so I wasn’t home alone with my thoughts. That’s always the hardest. Being alone with dark thoughts that you have a hard time stopping or ignoring. I thought I had been getting better but I’ve just relapsed. So my anxiety and stuff has been spiking a lot again.

I did get to start going to church again- until two weeks ago at least. Went shopping with my parents at walmart but my legs were so shaky I had to sit at the entrance where they have seats while they went and shopped. That was a horrible idea. I didn’t have my mask with me so like everyone that came and left were looking at me and my feeding tube and I freaked out. I held it together until we got home and then crawled under the blankets to hide from all the eyes I felt were starting at me still and cried and slept for a couple hours. I didn’t want to come out. Stay in the dark where it was calm and nobody could see me. Sometimes I feel like I’m really losing it. But yesterday after therapy I went shopping again with my parents (had my mask this time but eesh it’s hard to breathe) and I was doing okay. Tried to stay upbeat and hyper the entire day. Crashed at the end of the day though lol per usual.

The hospital also forgave some of my medical bills so that’s nice. Having issues with the new bags I got for the tube feeding though so I need to call up the people and get it sorted out. (Ugh anxiety spike doing that). Also going to apply for Medicaid now that SS approved of me.

I did feel pretty hyper the other day and dressed up. (well except for my shorts LOL Horrible primary red ugly shorts) I took a bunch of pictures and a couple of stupid videos- WHICH I NEVER EVER DO. I guess it’s therapy for myself. I’m not AS scared of seeing myself with the tube... it just... bothers me a whole lot.

The neurotherapy that I’m doing isn’t doing anything so my therapist is switching things up with some other treatment called LENS. Dunno what it stands for but it like.. takes some of the electrical current that my brain emits and throws it back at itself? Kinda supposed to be like a reboot.

Otherwise... I only have a couple options left. Hypnotherapy and then going to an eating disorder clinic in another state. Everyone’s trying to tell me it’s okay to go there again since they know about my particular disorder now and will treat me differently. But I’m still petrified. Like if they deem me incompetent and take away control of my treatment and I’ll be so far away from home and nobody will be able to stop them. Just... I have no desire to eat anymore. Thinking or smelling food just disgusts me. But maybe that’ll go away when I lower the intake of Jevity I’m being given to gain weight cause it makes me full and stuff. I don’t know. But hopefully by the end of this month I’ll hit 120lbs and we can permanently lower my daily feed. I dunno.

I’m more worried about my PMS and stuff right now with how my body is reacting. Might go to my doctor and ask if I can take birth control again. (got rejected last time because of my weight and meds I was on) I’m scared of it though because I don’t know what side effects I’ll get. I seem to get side effects with every drug I’m given. It’s terrible. Or I’ll just try Midol this month. See if it helps. -sighs- So sick of this feeding tube too... sometimes I feel sick because of it. Probably just all in my head though. Who knows. Was considering getting a peg instead because I hate having it in my throat... but I doubt it’ll really help any besides my psychological mindset. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. My head still won’t clear up, my memory still won’t hold much, I don’t feel much besides my anxiety and panic so joy and stuff is just like... overwhelmed that I hardly ever feel it. And I was hit really hard yesterday at therapy that the reality of friends is that they more than likely will never stay for very long. I don’t know how to handle that. All I’ve got are my parents now and sometimes an odd person to talk to. And my parents are gone or busy almost all day so I’m alone with myself.. and that’s so scary.

Trying to cling to God though since He’s always been there for me and always will. He’s been here with me through all these things I’ve gone through. He hasn’t let me go through something I couldn’t handle. And He hasn’t called me back yet so there’s some purpose for all this. I just pray that He continues to give me strength to make it through whatever comes next.

It’s just... sometimes all of this is so hard to bear. How did I fall this far so quickly? Just trying to keep strength and not give up. Sometimes I so badly do...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXpjUePKFGk

#aifallen #health #eating disorder #anxiety #panic disorder

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aquarianlights · 6 years

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how have you been doing?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

No, actually, I’ve been okay. Haha. Thank you for asking. Just been.... adulting like crazy. Like... I scheduled all these appointments at the last second...moved in with my friend and his bf... have driven three hours to these appts and three hours back... every day for a week except yesterday. I had to drive to the fucking DMV and get an NC ID card coz my Drivers License is still Florida.... And idk where my legal residency actually is...lmao. But I had to have an NC ID to get in with the pain specialist. So I drove 2.5 hours to the DMV....got that changed...2.5 hours back. Next day, chronic pain specialist appt. 3 hrs there....3 hrs back... with crippling joint pain.... Next day, psych eval appt. 3 hrs there....3 hrs back. And this all happened like...2 days after I moved here... a close to 4 hour drive...from where I was...and I’m waiting on a fuckton of calls back... but monday is a holiday AHHHHHHH so I can only call certain people and do certain adult things on monday...then I gotta call EVERYONE on tuesday and do all the things I couldn’t do monday on tuesday... I have a whole damn list. So finally...yesterday and today have been free days. So I spent them spending 25 dollars for an application fee to this new college I’m attending as a transient student. I now have 6 vet tech classes and am adding 2 gen ed transient classes. I will have my AA by the end of this coming semester...and have my OTHER AA by the time I have my BA or am almost finished with my BA. And then I will have two AA’s...one in vet tech and one in a medical transfer track degree.... And my BA.... and then onto my masters..IF I PASS THIS FUCKING TEST AND DON’T GET WAITLISTED.I have been relentlessly studying for the TEA’s all weekend. Just nonstop. Started adding exercise coz apparently the treatment for lupus and fibromyalgia is exercise???????? So I just...pop 100mg of lyrica or more in the morning, exercise via sit ups and push ups, make some iced coffee, take a mini jog, go home and do chores like dishes and taking trash out (there’s not a lot to do cleaning wise coz this place is spotless), then I get on my tasks for the day which I have been forcing myself to do no matter how much physical/mental pain I’m in. If I have to take a 5 minute break to slit my wrists or thighs or sides, that’s fine. I do it, play with the blood, feel the endorphin rush, pop more lyrica.....maybe add in some valium if I’m feeling I need it (that’s rare, though...I don’t fuck with benzos too much anymore coz I control my panic disorder through exercises...like...jumping jacks and running and sit ups and acting like I’m in the military and being screamed at by The Rock or something lmaaaooooo...it actually does calm my panic attacks down a fuckton because it forces endorphins through my body and reduces adrenaline and forces me to focus on my breathing...so my valium script is..... well... I pop em when I feel the “need”. or when I actually cannot slow my heart down via a panic attack). Drove to the college here....talked to advisers...they couldn’t help coz they don’t have late start semesters...had to call my other transient class school and cancel coz I don’t live there anymore...went to another college talked to another adviser about transient classes...they set me up with another college...it’s a 45 minute drive, but hey. For two classes? Bruh, I got that.Uhhhhh.....been doing a LOT of paperwork....catching up on vet tech seminars I missed via recordings. Getting in with the “back to work” program with my disability people... TRYING to get a job without getting my disability taken away...but I have to see a rheumatologist first and I’m waiting on a call back from the one my PCP referred me to...and waiting on a call back from my PCP about a fuckton of stuff...she’s a 4 hour drive away so.

trying to find time to make a 12 hour drive to NOLA to get all my stuff and say goodbye to my roommates for 6+ months.

Again, relentlessly studying for the TEA’s coz I’m scheduled to take them this summer after my AA is earned. And I’m legitimately terrified..... I mean, I’m applying to a fuckton of pre-med programs but........... the admit rate for EVERY pre-med program is insane.... Like...if you don’t get a perfect score on all four sections of the TEA’s...you’re fucked. Akjghfkklaglskjf NO CALCULATOR. [internal screaming]

I have a 2-page-long list of things to do on monday and tuesday. Tomorrow is gonna be a bitch. It’s 1:53am right now.....I have to be awake at AT LEAST 8am and I’m STILL studying for the TEA’s but I think I’ve given up coz I was looking at a bar graph and it asked me what kind of graph it was and I put down line graph as my answer and I just looked at what I wrote and was like “....????????” So it was at that point that I knew I needed to stop. They suggest 50 minute study sessions with 10 minute breaks 3-5 times a day for about 6 weeks minimum. My personal TEA’s test guidance counselor person....told me to study for 8 months. He told me the average TEA’s studying is 8 months. I FEEL LIKE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE A FUCKING BOARD EXAM JFC. The TEA’s are so daunting and intimidating....ugh. Shoot me. Like... I have NO PROBLEM with 3 sections...there’s just...1 section...that I’m destined to fail........ So I’m terrified.

Getting psych help. They wanna set me up with an ACTs team. Which is... a doctor, a nurse/PA/CNA/whatnot, a therapist (psychologist), and a psychiatrist. People for med management and for me to talk to. All in one sitting... minimum of 3 times a week.... Coz I’m having anger blackouts as though I have weed in my system and I have NEVER had anger blackouts without an herbal substance in my system, specifically weed. Holy fuck it’s scary. And my intrusive thoughts are no longer thoughts...they’re genuine desires and pleasure dreams. (Not sexual...mental pleasure.) I lost 6 hours of time the other day while sending voice clips to my friends while going over 100 miles an hour on a highway. I sounded literally psychotic in my voice clips (albeit, my diagnoses dictate I am psychotic, I have never sounded like it before). I mean...I could have KILLED people. Or myself. Or both. or animals....Holy fucking hell. 6 hours...a lot of driving... some of it was parking in an abandoned parking lot and doing... I’m not sure what... 6 hours of time gone. And I’m losing more and more time every day due to anger-induced blackouts. I literally called my mother a cunt. I...I attacked her verbally like a 12 year old hormonal boy who needs to be put in a fucking time out. And I have no recollection of it. At all. But the texts and voicemails and call logs are all there. It’s fucking scary coz I could hurt or kill someone...or myself. Came close NYE. Sheriff talked to me NYE....I somehow have this weird theatrical charisma that everyone just....... believes is real when it’s really just me acting. And I talked him down from him being all “There are multiple reports of you having slit your wrists open and downed pills and multiple reports of you saying homicidal things” to “Oh okay I will call them back and tell them you’re okay. You should text them and tell them you’re okay yourself, though.” I was in a hotel for a week....that was... I lost a lot of time there. Going back and forth between the hotel and my PCP. Getting my room in order.... keeping track of my finances for the first time in my entire life.... getting my car switched to my name and under a new insurance...changing my license... lots and lots of document-related stuff...lots and lots of phone calls and voicemails and call-backs...lots and lots and LOTS of appointments.... SO MUCH joint pain. I have lupus and fibromyalgia...but they think it’s a flinching disorder that is in my head from childhood physical abuse and adult sexual and physical abuse. Like...apparently my brain is producing pain and visible lesions akin to lupus, fibro, osteoprorosis, arthritis, etc... and the pain is VERY real...but it’s cured psychologically because it’s psych based...not physical. Like..the physical pain is real...but it’s produced by my brain? If that makes sense? Like...you know the report a million fucking years ago (idk maybe like 5 or 10 years ago???) or that lady (or was it a guy?) who froze to death while trapped in a freezer that was turned off? Yeah, that’s me. I’m the type of person who---if trapped in a freezer that was turned off and I didn’t know it was turned off---would freeze myself to death with my own brain. So...the trauma from childhood physical and mental/emotional abuse and neglect...and trauma from adult sexual and physical abuse and a bit of verbal/emotional abuse....apparently is causing this “flinching disorder”??????????? But I meet criteria for both lupus and fibro...but he thinks it’s this other thing...and ....

Like I said at the beginning...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Also trying to get Echo here.... but need to go to NOLA first...which I will be doing this month. Figuring out when exactly after Monday and Tuesday’s stuff I need to do..... Go to NOLA for at least a week...come back...get Echo and the rest of my things... Cut a certain two people out of my life entirely. . .SO MUCH TO DO.Fuck, bruh. I’m exhausted and in CONSTANT extreme physical pain BUT.......................................................it’s cool. Did you know you can get high on lyrica? I sure as hell didn’t. I accidentally took over 500mg in one sitting....all at once... Bruh, it felt like I had taken 2 tabs of acid, popped maybe 4 blues, and drank a full Four Loko. It was intense. The walls were breathing, I couldn’t walk, everything was blurry, felt like I was floating, kept dropping things, laughing at everything...couldn’t see...couldn’t read or write... felt tingly all over... Imagine constant vertigo like...no matter what position you’re in or if you move or stay still. Just.. That feeling you get when you stand up too fast? Yeah. Imagine that.....for hours....no matter what you do... CONSTANT VERTIGO/LIGHTHEADEDNESS FOR HOURS! Felt like I was on a cloud... but also... Even the appropriate doses of lyrica make it so I can’t walk in a straight line.... I keep bumping into walls and falling up stairs and dropping EVERYTHING and falling over ....OH MY GOD I FELL OUT OF BED THE OTHER NIGHT. THIS IS A QUEEN SIZED BED...I WAS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE....AGAINST THE WALL...AND SOMEHOW I FELL OUT OF BED ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF A QUEEN BED THAT COULD FIT FOUR OF ME.............. ?????????????? I was on the ground like...with the vertigo ...going ... “?????” Oh my FUCK.

I’m not even stressed, though. Like...high pressure, high risk, chaos, spontaneity, impulsivity, self gratification, advancement, pressure pressure pressure, strict deadlines, things that could change at a moments notice, being on call practically all day every day for certain things.... Like... I love it. That’s why I chose emergency medicine... It is when I perform best, when I feel best, and when I can focus best. I can’t focus if nothing is going on around me.... It makes me extremely distracted by my own LOUD AF thoughts and minor whispers of voices that are coming back so SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH MY MEDS but they’re gonna fix it but I refuse to EVER get back on an anti-psych so I will ONLY work with them on trying to fix my current meds or switching to a different mood stabilizer...IDK.

Bought a fuckton of medical textbooks that I have just been...pouring over...while I should be devoting that time to studying for the TEA’s...... UHAgain... “How am I” is answered as:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I turn 26 next month. Holy fucking wow................................................................

Uh. Okay. Rant over....Wow, good job, Killian. Verbosity wins again.It’s 2:16am now. Jfc. I need to lay down. My world is spinning. Fucking lyrica, man.........

Thank you for asking, though.... Makes me feel like maybe someone cares about my general wellbeing...or something... Idk. Makes me feel good,though. And happy. Happy that someone cares enough to ask. I appreciate it, fren. I really do. And I hope you’re doing well and thriving like I am. c:

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