#itd shape me as a person too

[finnitesimal]

CHAYANNE PISSA CAPTAIN NUMERO UNO 💯💯🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡

#me when im an egg and the first night they took me home all my two dads did was #1. farm 2. fight monsters 3. teach me music and cooking 4. call each other pet names and sleep in the same bed #itd shape me as a person too #pissa #ALL RISE FOR YOUR FUCKING CAPTAIN!!!!!!!! WE WOULDNT BE HERE WITHOUT HIM #qsmp chayanne #do you think nussa briefs the other admins. if you play chayanne i need you to convey that he believesin his parents' marriage SO much

[raksh-writes]

Finally started to transcribe some of the pages I managed to jot down in my free time this week and damn, there might be around 2-3k there. It's not A Lot, by some writer's standars, but after the last over half a year of block I had and overall lack of drive, this... actually feels good. I've written something! And maybe there'll be a fic out of this! Feels nice ^^

#personal #Raksh posts #Im at 4 and a half page and 1k words #still have more than twice of this to go through #not sure I'll manage to transcribe all of now #since its getting kinda late and I should actually be going to sleep soon #(screw waking up at 5.40 in the morning 😭) #but it really does feel nice to see this taking an actual shape #and its also allows me to edit while I go #change some sentences and paragraphs for better wording or flow or pacing #and its making me sleepy now so thats good too #I wasnt feeling it at all before but itd do me good to get to sleep earlier #well #I'll transcribe some more and then hit it off to bed #maybe I'll be able to continue tomorrow #fingers crossed!

[cow-legs]

What are some of your favorite videogames? ♡ ♡ ♡

(extremely long post incoming lol turns out i have a lot of things to say on this subject)

usually i have too hard of a time trying to remember anything i like to have answers for questions like these but thankfully for this one i have answers prepared since this is something i try to think about a lot

realistically if i had to pick one single "favorite videogame" above the rest itd probably just, like, ocarina of time & majora's mask (i'm considering them to be one videogame because i said so, it;s a package deal), just on account of how much of an impact they had on me from an early age combined with just how often i Still go back to revisit them in one way or another, but this is just about the most basic boring answer a person can have for this question unfortunately

thankfully you asked for some of my favorites instead of just one so i can unveil my Actual list of favorites instead of the one that only holds the top spot by technicality and not because i actually like it "the most". all of my favorite games have such a range in style and quality it's hard to really compare them in any meaningful way

anyway

crypt worlds, space funeral, and off-peak are all pretty different games made by very different people but i usually group them together when talking about stuff like this since collectively finding them all back in the day at roughly the same time kind of shaped my perception of indie games as a whole which probably gave me a very weird and skewed perception of the media but who gives a shit really it's a perception i hold dear. (they weren't the first indie games i ever saw of course but they were the most personally impactful ones that made me go "holy shit, this is awesome, you can do literally whatever you want")

they've pretty heavily influenced my own games, too. there have been multiple times i've started a project and then days later realized "wait shit this is just space funeral again. i'm just making space funeral again but slightly to the left. fuuuck" which is a pretty good problem to have i think.

anyway,

gadget: invention, travel, and adventure is an old point and click game i found a few years ago that struck me by just how unique feeling its atmosphere is. strange looking people turn to you and say even stranger sounding things, the soundtrack feels like its having a nervous breakdown, the main character is given so few meaningful decisions/actions (read: basically none) by the people around them that it can barely be considered a game at all…it is a very fascinating experience, and one that i think back to a lot

i like Your Turn To Die a lot and am very excited to see how it ends, though i feel like i don't have too much to say on it here. one of those games that has me going "oh man i should draw more fanart for that one of these days" every time i'm reminded of it only to then remember that i Can't Fucking Draw right now lmao

myhouse.wad is something that extremely deserves to go on this list but a large part of my brain is telling me not to just because somewhere along the line i fucked up and became allergic to anything that has ever recently become popular & trendy on youtube because i don't want to look like a poser even though literally no one but me cares about where i hear about these things so i can only bring myself to include it if i also state that i played it BEFORE it was cool &all the streamers started covering it like some kind of shameful hipster. but for real though its awesome, very inspiring stuff. i wish my brain did not force me to want to distance myself from it for literally no good reason. fucking ocarina of time is on this list why is this the thing that makes you afraid of looking like a normie

i have a lot of appreciation for myst in a kind of "i've never played more than 5 minutes of this nor have i even bothered to watch a playthrough of it but i understand what you have done for me and the games i love that came after you" kind of way. i have purchased 3 different copies of it over the years as well as a copy of riven and i don't intend on playing any of them anytime soon. great game, probably. i wouldn't know.

i like a lot of kitty horrorshow's games but i don't really know what my favorite would be. lethargy hill is probably the one i think about most often though.

i like (the steam version of) dwarf fortress a lot and have been trying to play it more often. it is very funny having 80 hours in a game and still not feeling like you understand half the mechanics in it. figuring it out as i go along has been fun though. in a similar vein i also like elden ring a lot and despite being at over 160 hours on that one i still haven't beaten it. i need to get back to it before the dlc comes out but i stopped playing for so long that most of my muscle memory is gone…

for something much more recent than all of the above, absolutely perfect specimen is something really incredible that gave me a lot of stuff to think about, though it can be a little hard to recommend since it's extremely 18+ and has a whole big list of content warnings you definitely need to take heed of. extremely interesting work though, i like it a lot.

i'm running out of things to list off and should probably stop just for the sake of time even if there is more shit that deserves mentioning so i'll just end it off with CLONE ON NET YAROZE BABYYYYYY LET'S FUCKIN GO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💯💪🙌💥💯💯

#asks #i like videogames. huge fan of em

[nyaskitten]

I saw your recent post, would you be willing to explain the basic plot to me so that I may ask a deeper question?

SIGH fiiiiiine I suppoossseee...

so three ppl find magical objects and a path to a magical world, which then leads them to becoming warriors under the kingdom of light/sun and fighting against the hand of the golden shadow, a religious cult kingdom thing devoted to resurrecting their dead god , so they can cast the worlds(earth, magical world, underworld, and the celestial city) into an eternal night, making them all their great domains.

so the main characters are unravelling the darkest secrets of this world, while stopping the evil shadow guys from resurrecting what is essentially the most dangerous dude ever... also did i mention it has a tasteful flavor of Gays?

uhm other things of note; main characters are atm like college-aged but that COULD change idk.

im thinking its an odd trio, of like a witch, a knight, and a shape-shifter but idk how itd work . as for villains, u have the daughter of this dead god, you have a random bird person whos immortal and cursed to roam the realm for eternity, their flesh decaying, and uhm you have someone else who i have yet to fill in the slot for . also ithink the dead god has a son too idk if i wanna do that tho or naurt. if u wanna see more stuff i post it in my warriors of light tag loll

#oh also uhm i kill a main character #theyre a huge target for suffering :33c #warriors of light #raine's rambles

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

#moth post #ed tw #sh tw

[dempaboya]

im fairly confident im not robotkin. im more like a person-shaped transceiver or radio tower. i like to think that talking feels so unnatural and awkward to me because a part of me is more used to sending and receiving information by way of EM waves. electrical power from any source is fine and even welcome but EM waves are really all i need to function. my strongest connections lie with older tech, from around the y2k era.

(vent/existential ramble incoming? tl;dr if you are machinekin and are not put off by my weirdly selective identity please hmu itd be nice to have someone to relate to)

i dont know why my identity is so hard to navigate and a part of me worries it might be my hyperfixations manifested into a delusional attachment but it feels real to me. at this point all i want is to feel seen. to feel like myself. the image of myself in my head is a vague blur save for some sort of antenna. the machinekin community is already so small and i love robotkin and computerkin, i relate with them a lot to some degree and i feel like theyre family in a way, but theres also a lot of robotkin and computerkin stuff i see that i dont relate to. mainly the depiction of a boxy metal person or the idea of motor oil or AI. im not too put off by the idea of flesh intermingled with with my electrical/steel parts either. but im definitely not into the "cyborg" label. i just... kind of feel undefined and alone in an already small community. i dont know. feels weird and bad kinda. are there any other machines who feel like this? not necessarily my identity but just. generally disconnected from the usual depictions of robots or computers

#machinekin #alterhuman #ok had my early morning existential crisis im going back to charge a little more

[thatonegaybastard]

ok here ir is b colored with the fucking pallete of thw wiki i would come up with an actual pallete but my brain stopped working

anyways heres my thoughtsts behind the design: i was specifically making it with my oc Olly (the seer of void) in mind i think its be neat if the godtier outfits had like little differences between person to pwrson

th kind of goes into KIIINDA spoilerish territory for the story fthat includes olly b also i dont really have a plot for it so if you wanna knoe about lands and stuff then go under the cut

i was thinking Hey! maybe ollys land could be like a big fucking deep ass water planet and its supee dark and she has to learn the ocean. because Seer of Voidm and she likes the ocean! she bettee like the ocean for this planet. so i was like "huh kinda like a deep sea diver yknoe those guys."

and then i wondered what a hypothetical god tier would look like and i figured "well it HAS to look like it can be underwtser or at least be water themed i mean shes fucking going underwatee all the time" so i tried to make it kinds resemble a.deep sea diver suit if it makes sense.

but also thats kinda boring so i also thought to Jellyfish! a because arent like squids associated with horrorterrors and jelly- actually itd just ne easier to call this a squid not a jellyfish 💀 ok

i was thinking jellygish b im changing lsst second to making it.kinda shaped.like a squid!! or oftopus!! or tentacled creachure so theres like these dangly bits over tlike.the flat part of the divers helmet and the dress robe thijg is shaped lie those too

squids make semse because olly knoes alot about the furthest ring,as she istheSeer of Void (it makes sense to me) and i think that squida or like octopus are associated with the furthest eing. and Olly knowing alot about the furthest ring is super important !!!!! for reaosns!! trust me

so here is Olly, the Seer of Void'a hypothetical godtier

#oc rambling

[torchsart]

*hits my sona with addisonification beam* hi

inspired by @tolabia's post abt what color addi you would be and what would you sell!! firewall was technically born that day... nd then i made her cooler by giving her an aux cord tail

sprite edit closeups and more info under the cut :D

i see that everyone makes small and big versions for stuff like this so. me too

Note i am not good at pixles

OK SO first off, the name firewall is entirely unrelated to anything abt them, its just a play on the fact that i go by Torch and Firewalls are a computer thing

multiple design elements are borrowed from my main sona! the hair shape, her eyes being light/dark + 3rd color, and the fact she has sharp teeth and a mask & tail

makes you accept terms and conditions before buying her $1 thought, which legally lets her follow you around until you pay her or she somehow runs out of things to talk abt

carries the speaker everywhere, keeps it in her inventory outside of work hours

the voice that comes out of the speaker is theirs! but changes based on what theyre thinking abt. for example if they have a certain song stuck in their head, youll just hear whatever part theyre thinking abt

her tail is compatible with anything an aux cord can be plugged into!! the broadcast wont stop unless she gets unplugged, the device itself is turned off or muted, or she somehow manages to just Stop Thinking

the Shut Up price varies, but its never below $100 unless you reeaallyy beg for it, she might have mercy on you. youll hear her exact thought process as she decides whether or not to give you a discount

in more personal settings, they talk normally so they can plan their words better. in situations where itd be difficult for them to say something out loud, theyll use the speaker instead

feels more vulnerable without the mask than literally broadcasting their every thought

However. has absolutely embarrassed themself by leaving the speaker on in certain situations. like noting that someone cute walked by only for that person to hear it

extra fluffy under the uniform :3

undecided if other addisons can have tails too or if she gets to be my specialest girl..

theres no real reason she cant keep up the Customer Service face, its just too tiring for her and the facade breaks more often than not. shes better at keeping up the smile so she only wears a masquerade mask

personality wise, theyre just sort of bubbly! gets rlly passionate abt the things they like and are eager to ramble to anyone wholl listen! does try to be genuinely polite and friendly but the addison nature of needing to sell can get in the way at times

im stealing the glowy addisons hc and also addis purring so Yeah firewall does that too. they glow a lot when theyre excited and they also make chirps and trills ^^

can also get Quite Anxious and overthink a lot. if the speaker is on, itll be easy to catch and talk her out of it with some reassurance :)

#deltarune #addisons #addisona #addison oc #sona #deltarune oc #deltarune fanart #dont tag as kin/id/me #fanart #Btw i am always down to talk abt her and addisons and deltarune in general on my main.... #torchs art #nov 2022 #sona: firewall #my ocs #oc ref sheet

[shiteating]

i tried to figure out exactly what was bothering me. my new phone stylus is very hard to hold so i had no good grip so the drawings look weird, but i think it conveys the idea for the most part. I PROMISE I DIDN'T TRY TO MISREPRESENT ONE OVER THE OTHER!!! the drawings just accidentally came out goofy 😭 its only to demonstrate the broad strokes anyway

admittedly v4x luka sits in the middle of this scale but they specifically used a """revamped""" version of her v2 design so. v4x doesnt exist and tbh ixima has kept her personality mostly intact in most v4x promotional artwork WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT V4X THIS ISNT ABOUT HER but yes. i think the weirdly saturated color palette is kind of.. i dont wanna say poorly put together but i was surprised by them. theyre quite stark. i think the earthiness of luka's old v2 outfit in comparison contributes a sort of maturity and sophistication. the fluffy hair really helps too. the eye shape is a huge point as well... not to mention the personalities just seem so....different.

the saturation values are surprisingly similar between the two which is sound and correct, its easy to read regardless of which one it is, so i cant continue to nitpick from most technical aspects. itd just be pedantic (tho tbh proseka luka's hair could stand to have more contrast)

i will say proseka's luka's silhouette is way more ambigious compared to old luka even though its almost the same outfit— i already closed my phone's editing soft of choice and i didn't save the version with the key arts but try for yourself, clip layer and turn both solid, the proseka version of her hair is so shapeless it hurts the overall shape and dynamicism of the design (IMO). i think its closer to ixima's take on it, but i never liked how ixima draws hair, people started making bald miku jokes for a reason.

idk if i have it in me to go blow by blow about why i prefer what and why i dont but im starting to feel grief over how luka is misrepresented.

#a #i guess! #might as well

[spaghettiandart]

Hello! I’m a recent follower, and I really love your Old Man Phil AU. I was wondering, does Phil ever realize that he was a racist, genocidal zealot who was going to be responsible for a *lot* of deaths on the Day of Unity? If so, how does he feel when he remembers? You don’t have to answer this if your ask box is super full, or if you just don’t want to.

Hey! Sorry for taking a while to get back to this post, it's been a while since I've watched TOH and my interest in the au has died down. But I have thought about how a possible reveal like this would go, though since the au was mostly for laughs (and so I could relentlessly bully Belos) I didn't put much in depth thought into it.

I do love to ramble, though, so let me ramble a bit about how I'd like to portray "the reveal" in the au

Since this is a early season 1 au, a LOT of things are obviously diverging from canon, too many to really write down right now. Thered be different events entirely from canon, things that occurred as a catalyst of either Belos's actions or the actions or people associated with him would either not occur at all or occur differently, so the timeline is definitely going to look a lot different.

That said, I think having Phil realize/remember who he was/is should happen around... maybe mid-to-late season 2? I mean like. I don't know how exactly itd go. Maybe he falls down another set of stairs, wakes up, and goes "HOLY SHIT" like right after

I feel like itd be a huge tonal whiplash. Also itd be like... okay, so memories do shape a person, and the new memories "Phil" forms shapes him. So I imagine if/when the old memories comes back, there's a definite conflict of priorities/moral values going on there. I mean I imagine inherently Belos/Philip is an incredibly selfish person with a list of crimes several miles long, BUT he also believes that everything he's doing is the right thing (for whom, whether it be himself or humanity or whatever season 3 revealed, is up in the air) even when he takes enjoyment from the suffering of others during the process (literally just count any of the times hes hurt someone else in the show) like hes so full of himself it physically hurts, so obviously he'd probably try to rationalize everything to himself. Because I imagine having the willpower to keep on doing shit like that for CENTURIES takes a BUNCH of rationalization and leaps of logic, especially since hes a zealot who grew up within heavily religious and I imagine almost cultish surroundings.

I imagine denial. HEAVY denial. Imagine one day you're just some old dude with a mildly shitty attitude and then the next day you wake up and remember your entire past life where you were a racist, genocidal, puritanical tyrant that had extended his own life by unnatural means and also killed his own brother and did WHAT with his body and also is planning to Literally Murder Everyone. What do you even do in that situation?

I dont think hed be able to look anyone in the eye at all after learning that. A) because these are people past-him wanted to MURDER, and B) because a very decent part of him, after having regained those memories, still feels the ingrained hate and vitriol it once had towards witches.

Its strange to think of where hed go from that point, because you'd have to take into account both his older personality and his newer personality and the morals, memories, relationships, etc both past him and current him had, since they'd all affect what hed do.

But basically: a whole mix of emotions including guilt (at the whole murder and being a terrible human being thing like seriously awful), rage (at losing his memories in the first place), even more rage (at having "played house" with witches and demons), denial, denial, and more denial.

#sorry for the ramble and the late reply its been a WHILE since i even thought of this au #belos is a fascinating character but in the way where i want to dissect him and examine his brain #also this is not even mentioning what this does to everyone else #imagine your grandpa remembering he was the genocidal dictator of a fantasy land thats bonkers wild #old man phil au #not art #cyno ask #my mind keeps on going back to hunter whenever i think of this au because poor fucking hunter man #GOD i imagine he goes along with the whole thing at first as a recon mission and then eventually he starts genuinely following along #he KNOWS phil is belos. he thinks hes obligated to bring the emperor back. hes hit with all of these conflicting morals and stuff bc like.. #he LIKES this new version of his uncle and while at first he had to struggle with incredible guilt and fear at that #he grows more comfortable over time. this poor kid is just so guilty because hes so happy at his uncle finally being fucking DECENT to him #and then boom reveal #everything goes to shit #okay okay rambling over #i just. have a lot of emotions over hunter.

[lycantherous]

Hi hello! I hope you're doing well :) I stumbled across your post about tarantula husbandry, and I was wondering, as someone interested in getting a tarantula, would you be willing to share some tips for a beginner? I've done some research and know some of the basics, and I've found a local breeder that breeds Chilean rose tarantulas

Yes!! First - I reccomend Tom's big spiders. In prep for, and just after getting my rosy, I listened to his podcast whenever i was driving. He also does youtube vids.

I've never worked with slings and just only recently got my first juvie.

My spider molted just after I got her. I was prepared but it was still scary and I def googled "do spiders die upsidown" just to reeeaally make sure.

I just rehoused her into a smaller enclosure where the top isnt a screen but one sheet of stamped metal - I'm preeety sure without the overlapping wires she wont get her toes stuck. I first housed her in a 20 long with a regular screen lid so just fitted a piece of cardboard with vent holes on the inside of the lid. I knew itd be temp so I didnt mind ugly.

You wont need to add extra humidity or heat. Room temp is great, as long as it doesnt drop below 60°f for too long. Extra heat will dry out ur spider dangerously fast and misting/soaking the substrate promotes bacterial and mold growth.

Good tarantula enclosures will have side ventilation, you want the air to move through the tank rather than evaporate out the top. This is more important with species that you do want to keep more humid without risking nastiness.

Put in a water bowl! Source of humidity that's easy to clean and your spider can go over and drink from it. They wont drown, I had a huuge dog sized bowl (used to be snake bowl) in her last encloser and I'd watch her climb up and lean over and start drinking. She put some of her legs "in" the water for support. Their little feets are water repellent so it was really her floating on the surface.

So no drowning spiders but if ur lucky you might see a floating spider!

My rosy likes to climb so her enclosure is filled about 2/3rds substrate. Shes around 6" so I left about 5" of wall to climb. They dont take falls well. Honestly shed be safe with 7" but in her last enclosure she dug out a corner so I wanted to give her more medium to play in and dig.

In the snake tank I had her on cocofiber which was great but didnt hold its shape. I bought an expensive bag of arid pet dirt at my local reptiles/exotics shop for her to burrow because I dont personally trust plant dirt to not have possible fertilizer or pesticide contamination.

Both fertilizer and any sort of pesticide will kill your pet. This includes any topical flea medication that people use on their dogs. Bleach will kill your pet, these guys are sensitive to chemicals. I use watered down vinegar and make sure to rinse really well if I need to clean something. Otherwise a damp cloth is best for spot cleaning.

An adult sized t can live very happily on a handful of crickets a month and smaller spiders on smaller meals. I want to overfeed mine because the manager of the reptile store is so wonderful and loud and gay and has a jurassic park car and I wanna loiter 😔

Try and throw in some cork bark and decorative plants and moss in there. You want to make the floor not flat, layered objects help make a lot of pockets and more vertical space and your t will feel safer and will have options to choose from when making their little home base

A lot of people never hold their Ts like how fish ppl mostly dont hold or pet their fish. This is because when they fall they pop and if they bite (whether for defense or the spider is trying to hang on to ur slippery monkey arm) your first reaction is to fling the poor critter.

Contact with my animals is super important for me personally so I'll have them walk across my hands in their enclosure. My coworker would handle hers on the floor in a room that it wasnt easy for her t's to find a spot to hide if they bolted.

I love talking about animal husbandry so much I hope these are at least a good list of stuff to learn more about

#captains blog #ask #tarantula care #tarantula husbandry #im a recent spider dad #my dad had one for a while when i was little #so i dont have a lot of experience but i do love love love love collecting information on animals #and how to care for them in captivity #c rosea is super simple and most tarantulas suffer from over care or handling #these guys are made to just sit and vibe until a bug happens to wander their way

[carriongoat64]

shit. today was my 1 year hrt anniversary. i have never been happier, medical transition's been a blessing for me. my moobs turned into little tits, my belly's really soft now. all my skins soft, my facial hair grows back slower too. its all been really nice. i havent been able to afford any new clothes, or much of anything but im okay with biding my time. baby steps!

my emotions feel much deeper, which i didnt want to believe would happen because "im not a bioessentialist, why would i believe that my Emotional Reception would change on hormones?" i think i assumed itd be placebo'd into me by societal expectations and i tried to brace myself to prevent it. but fact is i dont get out much and when i feel sadness it hits like never before. i used to have this mental jar that'd slowly make problems decay into gas, time could heal anything i was the most incredible pragmatist. within the first month on hrt i was projectile sobbing about shit i thought i handled when i was 14 lol. still freak out about old stuff these days. i have always remembered every little way ive been wronged but now its not memories it's Grudges. im trying not to be that kind of person though.. ill figure it out eventually

im glad i didnt try to lose weight before starting hormones. i was really fuckin scared about this, ive always been happy with my weight but i also always wanted fatter thighs and a fatter ass, less belly. i realize my shape is not that bad, but also is in demand.. so im okay being kinda hank hill shaped. since i started hormones my consciousness about my weight has EXPLODED. i get really bad urges to starve myself and force vomit after i do eat solely to punish myself. i cant pick apart why yet, i have some ideas but nothing super concrete i can write in a post without getting called a retard. anyway feeling my belly get soft and squishy has been fantastic and i like my belly hair.

i got a little tuft of fur between my tits and its like... i guess thats not feminine but im not really trying to be a dainty little femme i am Big and Protective and Mom/Big Sister-like. i like feeling imposing, reliable and independent so im trying to look like that. i need big boots and baggy camo pants and a tank top. is it fucked up to call it a wifebeater? if she asks me to beat her i'd oblige... its a sex thing. im a comfortable sadist anyway, it's my pleasure. anyway, i need a haircut so bad i will die soon if i dont get one. send me money

[pinkseas]

[parasocial bestie] going by quaggyday's ask if that's ok to intercept- but tbh i agree with that perspective too!! like gosh if anything it's actually a really nice depiction when it comes to defining how xiao's karmic debt works in a realistic sense. cus like, to me in my dumb poopoo terms, that karma is the residual corrupted power from the dead gods yeah? and this comes from either those that are stronger than him or not. what lumine can or cannot get rid of with her purification abilities depends too, and even for her she doesnt know the extent that this unknown ability provides since the start (since it's pretty sudden but useful trait when treating dvalin)

there's plenty of interpretations and fics that get me a lil pressed that ppl wants his karmic debt to ~~disappear completely~~ for a happy end, when how i personally see things it doesnt need to be the case bc its all about his growth. not that xiao needs to be in constant suffering when he already is, still, but that highlights so much of the importance of his support system, the people who can guide him and help lessen the pain with whatever they can manage. and it doesnt have to center to lumine too, which is another common thing that gets me a lil icky in their stories that she's the only person who can save him (and other ppl with the purification ability, which i dont need to mention who).

putting a difference of whats inside karma, between the gods power and chronic pain as an effect is super good and is what i thought of too!! and true as heck that it's something xiao's body has been accustomed to and even if the corruption chips away bit by bit, it doesnt completely rid of whats already damaged and even then, healing comes so slow for an adeptus. especially if the source being dead gods of higher power. this is something his siblings couldnt overcome long enough in their lifespan, and what xiao is still trying to push back (or accept it, and in turn he suffers more of its effects). so like!!! it just makes sense this way imo

i love pondering of his karmic debt being a metaphor of chronic illness cus man is he fighting so hard for it, and the clock always ticks down for him faster than anyone, even as an immortal. which is sad as hell, and we all copiums together how to at least make it a lil easier for xiao yknow. explodes too

"when it comes to defining how xiao's karmic debt works in a realistic sense" real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god and with lumine not knowing the extent of her own ability,, and yeah no like. in my perfect world the karmic debt is very under control and no longer agonizing or life threatening but i dont think i could ever believe it going away Completely, and i think that if it DID vanish completely itd be a huge disservice to. everyone involved, xiao included. no he does not deserve to be in pain 24/7 but this is something hes willingly accepted and carried with him for so long, something he probably feels has shaped him, i just. idk itd feel so fucking Weird for it to just magically be completely gone ?? it does something and sends a message i cant figure out how to put into words, as opposed to being able to live with it and in spite of it and show that you dont need to be ""cured"" just to be able to exist and be content and supported and loved.

"the clock always ticks down for him faster than anyone, even as an immortal." IM GOING TO SOB THIS HITS SO HARD AND HURTS SO BAD GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD what if we exploded Together. what then.

#parasocial bestie tag

[kamil-a]

ok ace route end thoughts. incredibly messy post i put together a lot of it last night, half-asleep, and im trying to just. do my best with that lol

they invented queerbaiting for m/f couples

she was just so recently scared of him, but goes on a camping trip anyway and does seem to have a decent time! caught in by his magnetic pull, huh...

we arent going to OUTER space but we are going to MEDIUM space. which is great!

THE JOKER??!?!?!? THERE WAS A CLOWN MAN??!?!?!? 

it was a gourcus...

really id seen the cg before but still!!! i was so shocked to see him!!!

-oh okay. id dropped the pics and copypasted twitter comments over last night when i was too tired, so this is gonna be out of order a little bit- i do nt rly want to reorder them.

-she MAKES HER CHOICE is the thing, and then joker shows up AFTER to mess around!

=i suspect that the nightmare and peter (putting a note here that peter talks to her a: in the circus and b: she says she feels like he’s trying to poke hole in her decision) that we saw were joker in disguise/projecting illusions or something. because itts ace’s route i assume he did his part himself but itd still be interesting even if it werent i guess?

BITING HER EAR LIKE CHOMP?? RIGHT ON THE LAWN OF HER FAKE MEMORY DREAM HOUSE??? WHERE THERES PROBABLY A FREAKY OTHERWORLD CORALINE LOOKING LORINA GHOST?!?

im horrifascinated with him literally invading her nostalgic memories (and the state she’s tied herself to embodying here in WL!) to like... rub himself all over it. defile the past. AND, showing up in the sunday afternoon peaceful garden times zone is like a fuckyou to peter too... like a cat pissing on a tree in another cat’s territory. theres two separate sex scenes in this ending (lmaooo) but i dont even really think of this one as like. particularly sexual (or i guess i should say erotic? sex is about power blah blah) so much as ace wanting to assert power over alice and peter and like. the ghost of lorina liddell i guess. 

can you see this from heaven? if you could, would this even be the shape your heaven takes? well, in the end youre actually not here to say otherwise . so i will say it as if you’ve seen: haha lorina i am banging your sister

and i think on some level alice knows that lorina... isnt there to catch them in the act. that her objection to this isn’t “whats wrong with you, my sister could walk in on us any second!!!” but “i don’t want you to defile my perfect memories of this place, and of my perfect sister”.

-this is also like. i think one of the most explicit routes ive seen in terms of textual descriptions of things. 

-OH YEAH the other one was really really fun hes like doing an edgy oohhh ur my ruin you will bring my doom roleplay and shes like. excuse me? i dont want to bring your doom. what are you talking about. and hes like aww yeah my girlfriend is going to kill me one day and shes like HUH????? shes literally just trying to have a nice time and he keeps ruining it with his bizarre dirty (?) fantasizing about her destroying him it’s really funny

-and it all even started bc she was talking to peter and ace got jealous. even tho if he LISTENED a bit he’s realize she was talking abt how she chose ace.

-

-they probably had to up the stakes from friendship kissing by making ace a bites you bites you bites you bites you guy but it works for him 

she says he can name most of the stars she points out, but thankfully never gives names so MY CITY NOW - i think they have a lot of constellations named after things from the hunting of the snark + jabberwocky.

(which in my even deeper MY CITY NOW headcanonings is where they adopted their game-and-roleholder system from. so it’s sort of a remnant of it and a remembrance out of respect).

-i always much prefer when it's made textually clear in the moment that she wants something she verbally denies! This one seems particularly clear, i wonder if its a matter of being written years later 

-i can become happy in my own world, too. CAN YOU??? PERSON WHO VOWED TO NEVER BECOME HAPPY???

-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

-lmao he THREW HIS SWORD AT HER to trip her

-i think a lot of this was in the musical

-you gotta wonder why he isnt feeding her the game juice back if he wants her in such a state of stasis, yknow? 

-Instead, having her firmly choose, but swearing he'll remind her of pain- my guess being it's to keep her from truly losing her outsideship? 

its for jnkna reasons i assume, but even hearts era ace is clumsy enough to go about it in the most inconvenient way lmao...

also. i love how the conclusion she comes to after her little "im scared!!!!" detour is like... "well im just weirdly drawn to him. dont know why hes so magnetic. cant help loving him" BC ME TOO HONESTLY????

-THE MOST AUTHENTIC HES EVER BEEN....

-OH YEAH! AND SHE NEVER EVEN FOUND OUT ABOUT JULIUS!!!!!!

-SHE DOESNT KNOW HER BF’S SIDE JOB. OR THAT HE HAS A BEST FRIEND

#thoughtful honking #messy kinda post but watever #scene discussed with qrtypical consent problems. im more here to discuss other things about that scene so its not rly talked abt #in detail but just in case just in case.

[moss-sprouted]

deviantart and "lets make fun of teenagers art on tumblr" blogs fucked me up

i went from not caring too much of what my art looked like and having fun and Improving that way, to now i have a hard time drawing anything at all cause it has to look perfect and be original

i feel bad using references, i feel horrible when it trace to practice, hell i feel horrible even when a reference image is totally free use or a person who posts poses says i Can trace i still have this horrible icky feeling if i just do a like, stick figure over it to get the proportions and shape

when everything i read now as an adult says tracing and copying is not bad as long as you arent like, claiming things as your own and using stuff that you own or that allows you to do so

but i still feel this horrible feeling about it, when i used to use bases literally made from people tracing official monster high art and mlp art but i got accused of tracing Once when i didnt, because i used a base that someone else used to draw my own character and i also drew my character on that base

and i used to have my ocs put on tumblrs for being bad and even art my little sister made when she was just playing around and didnt have any art skill, and like i was 12-15 at the time, and got roasted constantly for no reason besides that i was learning and trying and even when id start to make art without bases that got shit on so i just, stopped trying

and the constructive criticism of "hey try png instead of jpeg" or "try to make the calves thicker" never bothered me but literally stuff like "this is awful and this idea is stupid" that i saw so much just totally ruined me and art feels so hard now, i feel like i cant do it and feel like i dont have ideas i can put on paper because i cant visualize in my head when i used to be able to draw whatever i wanted even without bases and i still couldnt visualize in my head i just

feel such a mental block,ive always found it easier to draw things for other people because then it was their design and no one could make fun of me for it,not because id let them make fun of my friends but because i still doubt my ability so much that i feel like nothing original i make is good enough and being able to bounce off of stuff that already exists is easier but i can only do that in like, a safe way that doesnt feel just

like a horrible bad thing, and fuck fanart actually exists but my brain still feels horrible at the idea of someone accusing me of tracing or copying or stealing because ive always been good at copying things and i wouldnt, be Trying to do that but i worry itd happen anyway so its bad to look at any references or anyone elses take on an art

im in like, art hell i think

#this was very rambly and not concise really #but anyway i have art block and im struggling

[anastasiaskarsgard]

Girlfriend, you cannot say you dated a Lithuanian gorgeous guy and not share a pic or two! Only if you’re comfortable but I am so curious! Let me live through you! My life is so boring.

Love to see you more active again! I missed you!!!! The Bill Skarsgard tag almost died out completely, but thankfully he’s got new stuff coming out.

Are you going to go see any of his new movies?

Ok so this picture is like over a decade old from when we first started dating.

He was in great shape and he’s like 6’4 so he was actually huge honestly. I thought so at least. He was so sweet to me in the beginning and he rode motorcycles and did stunts on them. He spoke multiple languages and was very driven. We were both in our twenties, he’s like 3 or 4 years older than me, but he seemed so much more mature than most guys. He was so sure of himself.

Then he became obsessed with working out so he could enter physique competitions. He just woke up one day and decided it’s what he wanted to do. He became crazy about clean eating and at first I was supportive and on board. I thought that he was just trying to reach a personal goal to check off some list and then he’d get over it.

I changed my eating when I was around him to eat clean like him and I went to all his competitions the whole year. He made it to the world championships his first year and I was so proud of him (eventhough I honestly didn’t like how he looked anymore.) he had abs when we met but he had a cute little bit of fluff, and no veins sticking out. He also got way more lame trendy tattoos. Now he looked like this:

He went from being my pasty teddy bear to a orange spray tanned, veiny, monster, obsessed with measuring himself, and what he ate. All he did was work out and obsess over these competitions, but I figured he would get it out of his system and become human again.

The day of the world championships, he told me how much he loved me and wanted me to move in with him. He thanked me for being such a supportive girlfriend and he genuinely seemed appreciative. He won the world championship title. I was so happy for him, but also relieved. I thought he’d proved his point to himself and now he’d go back to being my sweet, less orange, crazy brave, good at everything he puts his mind to boyfriend.

Nope. He was already setting new goals to become even better for next year, but not only that, he decided that if I worked really hard all year, I could possibly win some competitions and maybe not this year, but the next I could be a world champion too.

I didn’t know what pissed me off more. That he wasn’t going to slow down, but double his efforts, or that he thought itd take me two years to do what he did in one. I could have fucking done it, if I actually gave a shit, but I didn’t have any interest in any of it and thought they all looked gross. I told him that to his face, surrounded by his other self-obsessed, meat-head friends. He said really rude things to me, and mocked me. He made me look like I was some obsessed fangirl that followed him around, that he thought had potential but obviously he was wrong.

Eventhough we were sharing a hotel room, I had a key, but he had the keys to the rental car. I did not care, I called a taxi (this was before Uber) and I marched out of there. I had the driver take me to the mall and bought a Cinnabon. The taxi cab driver actually used my new phone that could make short little videos to send him a clip of me finishing my Cinnabon, and saying “I’m finished with my Cinnabon, just like I’m finished with your bullshit.” Then I had the driver take me to our hotel, where I got all my stuff and he waited for me, and then took me to the airport.

Artiom didn’t take that well AT ALL. He went crazy blowing up my phone, calling our mutual friends to find out what I was doing, where I was at since I blocked him on everything. He tried showing up at my house, and even my work. Whole nine yards. Some of his friends thought it was crazy how obsessive he was being considering he had a wife. I was like he has a what now?

Come to find out, he had a WIFE! He didn’t live with her and she lived back east somewhere, and the marriage was only so he could get citizenship, but I tracked down her Facebook and I messaged her, and eventhough she confirmed it was only a marriage for citizenship and he told her about me, she was totally in love with him and he just didn’t care.

He’d totally taken advantage of this woman, got what he wanted out of her and abandoned her. In order to get citizenship, they had to stay married a certain amount of years and act like they lived together the whole time and it was a real marriage. She explained how leading up to getting married he was the perfect boyfriend. He liked her to bring girls home, but she was bi so she was totally into it. She thought it was going to be a real marriage, but only a couple months after the wedding, he tells her he’s moving across the country and she’s not invited but they’ll stay married and he will pay her rent for a few years , and pay her car payments until he gets his citizenship, then she’s free to do whatever she wants. He told her he’d come see her now and then and write her messages and text her all the time. She thought it was a long distance relationship. Then she started to see him posting pics of him and I, or pictures of groups of people, that I always seemed to be in. She asked him and he said I was his gf, but she was his wife.

My mind was blown. Needless to say, I felt really bad for her and refused to ever speak to him again. Even the few times he ended up where I was at, and he yelled in my face, I’d just stare at the ground till he finally went away.

Last I heard, he was world champion 9 times and married some woman he doesn’t post about on social media, but he’s all over hers. Poor girl.

I’m totally going to go see every damn movie Bill is in! If I could sit through the third season of hemlock grove, I can sit through anything!

#personal #the Lithuanian guy #totally toxic #wasted a year of my life #idk if I really hate that physique #or I just hate him and associate that look with him #either way it’s a no from me