#ive had this thought for awhile but i felt like i shouldnt say it because people would get mad

[barbarianiswriting]

pre existing dpdr and edibles.

to start- this is my personal experience im not saying what you should or shouldnt do.

first, i should say i usually have a good time after taking a gummy. i get giggly, a bit disoriented but light. i have dpdr, so i never really minded the 'not feeling real' aspect of gummies. thats my everyday and all the gummy does is make me not mind that feeling for once in my life. what im saying is ive taken gummies enough to know what to do and how to monitor myself.

so thats why i was super caught off guard when i had a bad trip last night. im not sure why.  i took a gummy as i always do- even better considering i did it on a full stomach. everything was fine at first but soon enough i started panicking. everything felt like a dream or a memory, way worse than usual. like something you recall with gaps. like i was daydreaming a story i havent thought all the way through and keep skipping around. it was like blinking in and out of existence. it was as i normally feel but cranked up to an unbearable and terrifying level. i was hyperventilating, crying, and screamed some. i was constantly shaking throughout everything. my body was convulsing and my teeth were chattering, as i usually do when im dead tired. i am most sure i had multiple panic attacks- or one long one. i had to keep repeating i was awake and that everything was real. i was mortified that i did all this in front of people. still am. granted, i of course tried to separated myself from others when i realized what was happening. but unfortunately felt it best to have my sibling, whom i was visiting, monitor me- particularly if i was holding something, checking in on me when i had a door closed, etc. at the very beginning i had them try and hug me from the back to see if that would help, as i remembered from online- an attempt to calm the panicking person, articles ive read had said. it most certainly did not. apparently every other sense was imperative to helping me but touch from others was detrimental. could not stand it. but then again, i cant stand it normally so i should have guessed. im grateful that eating helped. it was a good sensory experience. brighter lights i also believed helped. watching tv and very intently trying to keep up with the show. anytime i put my head down and closed my eyes, effectively depriving me of sight and 'reality'- as distorted as it was- was unendurable. im still not sure if my usual issues with dpdr helped or worsened the experience. on one hand, it meant that i knew, on some level, that whatever i was feeling was indeed trickery and i knew how to attempt to ground myself with what i know how to. on the other, it was taunting me with the knowledge of how much worse my life could be- making me terrified it would never wear off because i already have dpdr. luckily, i got control of my breathing, crying, and screaming relatively soon enough. i could then talk and hold conversation. this is where i believe my everyday dpdr experience helped- i was equipped with the ability to ignore im not real. of course it would come back worse over and over again, but luckily i did not break down fully again- even if my composure wasnt fully there (crying, some shortness of breath. never fully lost though). after an hour or so, forgive me for my inability to recall the time, i eventually felt alright enough to cognitively brush my teeth, get into bed, and scroll pinterest while watching bobs burgers till i fell asleep. which, thankfully, came soon. i woke up with no ill affects, besides the carried over mortification. im mainly writing this down for my own good- so i remember or whatnot. i am alright and of sound enough mind today- but my dpdr has become a forefront in my mind. i will never take a gummy outside my own home again (and not for awhile, i should assume). i am still confused as to what could've happened to make it so bad, though, as i had taken one earlier this week, friday, and was perfectly fine and happy. i am quite frankly stumped. it doesnt matter now i suppose. i just wanted to let anyone else already dealing w dpdr who may be thinking of taking edibles that it really can go either way and you gotta weigh the pros and cons. cause imo, theyre quite extreme pros and cons

#actually dpdr #dpdr tw #personal

[boyfriem-moved]

unpopular opinion but the gay culture on this website is so strong and suffocating that it’s making bi and pan kids feel like it’s bad or wrong for them to like people of the opposite gender and it’s kinda toxic and y’all need to calm down

#ive had this thought for awhile but i felt like i shouldnt say it because people would get mad #but uh fuck it #yall need to hear this #because you think with your violently gay culture you're helping young queer kids but you're really not #i struggled with my sexuality for years because I felt so pressured to Be Gay when the message should have just been to be myself #and a lot of that i can blame on my friends at the time but plenty of the blame goes to this website as well #i was very young (still am really) when i was first figuring out my sexuality and when i first got a tumblr #and i was young enough that i didnt understand that concept of sexuality being fluid or using gay as an umbrella term or anything like that #i dont want to say this because it's what all the old christian women say and i know that but honestly on tumblr being gay is cool #and thats what i saw and thats what my friends were like #and i mean all of my middle school friends and i are legitimately queer kids #we were when we were thirteen and we are now #but with the exception of maybe one or two people i don't think any of us has stuck with the labels we were using back in middle school #but anyways that alls a rant post for after i post this one #my point is that the way yall act on here ingrained biphobic and panphobic behaviors in me #and even though im older now and i know better #i still have to remind myself not to judge the bi girl in my history class for talking about boys #and i still have to remind myself that there's nothing wrong with enjoying a heterosexual romance in a book #and i still have to remind myself that it's not bad for me to like girls because theres nothing wrong with that it's just who i am #which is literally what gay kids who have grown up in heteronormative families have to teach themselves by the way so #yall think you're being progressive and you're having the opposite effect #calm yourselves #aight im gonna stop typing because this is getting ridiculous #goodnight

[katapunberbicara]

If i were you

I used to wonder how it felt if i were you, how it felt when things kept coming up endlessly ruining your calm sunday energy, how it felt when getting caught up with deadline truly meaning in the between ‘line’ of ‘dead’, how it felt when night and day had no differences cause you had to stay awake, how it felt when falling asleep was a sin though your body needed that for remedy, how it felt when trying so hard and the result was never satisfied them, how it felt when things kept messing around while you werent finished with yourself, If I were you, what would I do? I used to wonder about it all the time cause I might be unsure how it truly was, I might be wrong saying nice words since the only thing you need was to be understood, the calm which was coming from the belief that you were not solely felt this way, somehow it was more relieving to have someone with same pain than only comforted words conveyed from somebody else without the same issue.

I might have no idea how your feeling truly was till the chance has come for me to experience it alone, people say you wouldnt know the deep of the ocean if you werent drowned yourself, and since the moment ive been thinking that I shouldnt start from the beginning something i couldnt end easily. As you know, people keep saying nicely that I would do it without knowing how much I ever addressed those motivational words onto myself to be more bearable. There are differences if you heard various words, in which somehow it sounded different hearing it from people who have seen only from the surface. The irony is the major source of my sanity is not those insipid words, but the fact that im not the only one felt this way. Moreover, ive seen you closely fight the storm and develop by the problems you face. You are the living proof that we should give it another try though the world conspired to make us surrender.

But, the more I know, the more I feel sorry for you. Because I know your struggle was real and i was guilty of what i was ever saying cluelessly. The unkind and less-sensitive me in the past was so clueless saying something i was not really into, easily offering help when thoroughly knowing you would never barely accept something that wounds your surroundings or easily saying certain things like the concept of balance and manage the activity when you were ended into a mess even when deciding to sleep for awhile. I wished that I treat you better. Realizing how much the attempt you put to stay sane, i am grateful youve survived today, thank you for choosing to stay when you can just go away. But, hey, nonetheless this too shall pass. Either I or you, weve done our best. Do not be bothered of having some rest.

Pekanbaru, 20th May 2020 | ©Hairatunnisa

 NB. These two are my remedies. The right side is the one who would soothe my nerve, give solution for my problem, and direct me home when Im lost. While the left side is the one who has same thoughts and same pain, she is not the type who gives wise words but her existence and our stupid conversation are enough to lift my burden. Then, this post is dedicated to this girl in the left side cause iam super proud of her. She has transformed to be stronger from she was in the past. While my problem was about campus’s task, but her problems were beyoondd it and she could conquer it till the end!

#thoughts

[liv-iathen]

im so sick of feeling the way that i do and it just keeps getting progressively worse like i thought i felt bad 2-3 years ago but fuck i literally dont wanna do anything ever anymore i just want to sleep. I knew it was gonna get bad after my dui but i literally havent felt this bad in awhile. Even eating has felt disgusting lately i havent felt good after eating anything for the past month or two i just feel sick to my stomach. i feel like i just shouldnt or dont deserve to eat bc i feel like a shitty person but when i do feel like eating i eat so much and than feel disgusting about that afterwards and again... feel like a shitty person. i just feel like a disgusting person all of the time and its like even 2 yrs ago i would say sometimes to myself like “okaaay girl youre bomb” and now i just feel like shit all the time. even music is starting to get unsatisfying and doesnt make me feel better which is how i know im truly feeling like shit i have never felt that way before. I havent truly played any games in over a month which is also extremely unlike me. I can barely even watch tv. all ive been doing is sitting on my phone reading bullshit or ill half ass watch stuff but its hard to fully pay attention. i probably should see a therapist but ive had horrible, non personal experiences with every therapist ive had even when i was a small kid and thats why i dont feel like itll help. theyre there for a paycheck not to genuinely care about what happens to their patients because as long as theyre getting a check thats all that matters. but i guess i just have to do it again and at least try to talk to someone. I also dont want to go on medication again but maybe i should. Im mad at myself for allowing myself to become an alcoholic because i knew what i was getting myself into when i first started drinking more like actually legit told myself i will get addicted but i just didnt listen and now i know i have an issue. Im sick of feeling like im being irrational for how i feel when its literally how i feel but im also stuck thinking maybe i am really just a crazy ass bitch?? And its hard feeling stuck between those two all the time i dont know whats worth speaking up about or not. I really am just miserable and im sorry to anyone whose had to deal with me and my fucking miserable bullshit because its not fair for me to act this way all the time but i also am just so sad. Once i get health insurance WHICH IM OFFICIALLY GETTING THIS YEAR im gonna go talk to somebody. Im also sick of my shite boyfriend but ya know what ive bitched enough we’ll just save that for another day

[novalillies]

love is weird

(personal ramblings on the subject under the cut)

on some level or another, we all crave it. while i have been fortunate enough o have never felt like i never had enough platonic or familial love, romantic love is something i personally have been anxiously craving for practically my whole life. i blame this on the fact that a lot of my family is mormon (many people of this religion marry SUPER early), and that its just so far etched into our society that everyone finds “the one” at some point in their life

a month ago, i was falling in love with a girl (lets call her sarah) who i had known for a little over a month. we instantly clicked, and immediately i wanted to grab and keep her attention and make her happy. practically everything i did was for her. i told her everything, and it got to the point where i was practically ignoring my best friend of 13 or so years

its not like my feelings were one-sided. sarah admitted to using me in order to “experiment” (something i agreed to because i longed for affection, bad mistake past me), and for reasons i shouldnt disclose at this time, we could literally never be together. in the end we crashed and burned

that happened about 4 weeks ago. ive slowly been recovering, but definitely not as fast as i would like to. recently ive come to the realization that this was very much so abuse, and now certain things relating to it (her name, her social media handles, her fandom content) are triggering for me. it feels weird to say that im heartbroken because we werent actually together, but i am

but then i think back to my first love, marina. in a lot of ways the situations are very similar: i fell for marina so fast and so hard, but our back and forth went on for five years. however, she and i were in a relationship a few times, but it just never worked out

the similarities between these two rests mainly in my actions: i am very, very clingy when in love; do things solely for the girl of my affections; hide my own negative feelings towards things in order not to burden them and often times resort to self destructive tendencies; the list goes on and on

marina and i first got together when we were so, so young. i thought i had learned from all of my mistakes and wouldnt fall for the same antics i had before

maybe thats why it hurts so much now: my first love, i didnt know any better because i was young and naive. but this time im supposed to know better. im supposed to be an adult. im supposed to be able to handle my feelings

in a lot of ways, they both were afraid to show their love for me. the difference between them is that sarah was much more up front about her feelings. marina would shut me out entirely

marina showed me hardly any affection (i tried my best, but it was hard due to our ages at the time). sarah though, she practically showered me in affection at all hours of the day. she encouraged and validated me, and at that time i had never felt so loved by anyone. she became my sole confidant (which was probably part of the problem. if i had been talking to jason at this time i KNOW he would have been like “what the fuck are you doing” and talked sense into me). she always encouraged my romantic inclinations, even though SHE knew her actions were absolutely terrible. for all her faults, and for how much i despise her now, at least she didnt let this go on for five years like marina did

this all makes me wonder if this is how my life will go. it took me almost three years to come fully to terms about what happened with marina before i really fell in love again. will it be the same now? when im 24 will the wounds sarah inflicted finally heal? will i end up falling for some other girl, only to have my heartbroken again?

its no wonder i identified as aromantic for awhile. it was so much easier than this

i know im in absolutely no position to love again, but i really, really want to. i had forgotten how wonderful it was to have someone love you like sarah did. i mean, most of our relationship was very toxic, but that feeling of being in love is literally like no other. i know there were definitely a few days where the world just felt lighter and i had a spring in my step and couldnt stop smiling. i always want to feel like that

i think the main thing for me to take out of my experiences is to have patience. mainly for myself. i need to remind myself to take things slow in both relationships and with personal healing (it hasn’t even been a month. of COURSE im gonna have a lot of breakdowns. im sure it was the same with marina, but i just dont remember as clearly given its almost been 4 years) 

another thing is that there are things to take from both relationships. i shouldnt shut my partners out, but i also shouldnt overshare with them (that was another problem with marina, i talked to my friends about our problems more than i did with her). i shouldnt be so desperate for affection. i should know when to walk away and to trust my instinct more. i shouldnt get so angry 

its so hard to be optimistic right now. but im trying my best. and i need to remind myself that im good enough

#novas novellas #emo blogging #??? i mean i guess it can go there #dont reblog

[thenameisbinx]

Blame Monday

ive been wanting to write down this entry since tuesday but i was busy trying to regulate my thoughts. Writing has always been my point of solace where in i find peace of mind and a completely different outlet as to talking to my friends about what im going through. i’ve set to making this entry in defining my roles and the effect of them. however, i ended up realizing its too complicated to describe. 

so let’s start it like this instead. 

Facade - a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

OK. let’s not waste anytime by letting people see who you really are.  Smile for the audience and don’t show that your hurt, in pain, or depressed. Keep moving and show that you’re fine. be in everyone’s good graces. please them like a slave. adapt, change for them, plead for their acceptance. All the while, bury your thoughts of reality within you. you’ll get to that stage where youre always wanted. 

Reality bites. you keep wearing a mask for too long that you forget how to be weak, to be vulnerable. i learned that word when i was seven. one of the words you learn at that age where words originating from the french language. it was along the lines of “rendezvous” words or english classes that tries to teach different sounds of words that has literal sounding letters. When the teacher told us what it means, i always thought it was acting. Facade is a character that you want to play but not in a movie, but in your life. it dawned on me that ive been doing that awhile. since i could remember. Then i keep just playing along. 

Before, i would bring the sadness of my day by showing to the people that i’m ok. That it doesnt hurt. My mom pulled my hair and complained how thick it was, even if i was sitting still not wanting her to try to do my hair. called me, “worthless” and “incompetent”. instead of crying, i’d laugh and play around with some classmates the moment i get to school. Or the time that my sister made fun of how ugly i was in front of her friends, that i’m just an orphan. I just talked back and said, “Well, at least im not fat.” Then, there was this one time that my dad scolded me for trying to play in my undergarments, i wasnt naked but i was wearing a thick white top under my uniform and some thick shorts thats long enough to touch my knee under my skirt, like my friends were doing at school. i wore three layers everyday and wasnt allowed to take it off till i go home but i saw some kids doing it. took a layer off and played. i was 6. Dad dragged me out of my school yard and slapped me right in front of the guard. Don’t get me started with my brother. let’s just say, he never made me feel like im important in the family. he’s the only person that treats me like im nothing and no one until now. like my opinions didnt matter, or as if what i do doesnt have any relevance. yet, i’m the jolly one. the funny one. the energetic one. the loud one. the push over. easy definition, the masochist. Harsh but partially true.  

Now, implications. still, verbal cues. like, “lazy”, or “stupid”. in the family, its more verbal but emotional responses. Mostly they cuss, or scream or yell. If i reciprocate the same but not intentionally, i still get scolded. i cant talk back because im just the help. i’m obligated to do what they want me to. Even if im tired from work. Even if i just got dumped. Even if my mind is going through some stuff. 

what you dont know. i go through these every day and i don’t bring it at work or when i go out with “friends”. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face like nothing bad ever happened to my life. i’d put that big smile on my face and just laugh things out. Remember just the little good things that happened and seemingly move on, but i don’t. its slowly sinking into my chest. Subconsciously weeping like a baby, consciously aware that during a meeting i’d want to cry just because i couldnt keep it in a box. i’d clench my fist as if im waiting for my palms to bleed because it crate wasn’t chained shut. it oozes when you can’t regulate. 

Obedient -  submissive to the restraint or command of authority

the words “dont” and “do” are basic commands to me. any question that has “did” are immediate doubt on me or even the start of the sentence “have you” makes me quiver already. i was taught to obey a form of authority. Parents, older siblings, uncles, aunties, prefects, teachers, apparently, anyone who is older. so when someone says, “believe me” or “did you know”, i immediately am in awe. i believe them. the fun fact is stuck in my head. i pass down the knowledge or experience. There’s another word for obedience, gullible.

i was once asked by my brother to go through trash when i was a kid. because he threw something he shouldnt. i was asked to do my sister’s homework because my mom overheard her asking me to do so. i was told by my so called friends to ask people for their numbers for them for their friendship in exchange. I have reached the point that i feel guilty when im not doing what people ask me to. 

imagine working. imagine dating. imagine meeting new people. i can paint a picture but it’s too painful. Subconsciously, i thought i have removed that side of me. unfortunately, reflecting on the past few days, NOPE. i thought my defensive stature in every decision ive made was and the only way to take off that obedience or gullible card. Looks like i have been. being conditioned this way from the very beginning makes it seem impossible to take off. Obedience equals to gullibility. Refusal equals to guilt. 

my dad comes home drunk one time, asked me to give him his gun to point at my brother. i said no, he shook me. no one else stopped me but i obeyed. i talked to my sister’s friends once. she told me never to talk to them and beat me up till i had bruises on my stomach. i wanted to cry when one of her friends talked to me. so i ran away. i wasn’t allowed to sleep until i memorized multiplication set of 9. it was 3AM, i woke up on the bathroom toilet. my mom woke up and asked me to recite it. closed the door and told me to recite it till i said the right answers. there’s consequences if i dont follow. i took that till adulthood. 

i have guilt if i don’t do what i was asked to. more guilt if i really decide not to. it consumes me till i finally give in. i feel regretful right after. then, i completely try to forget. that never happened. ever tried telling your boss no? i learned how to say no last year. i had multiple speeches dedicated to me with people saying, “Do you even know how to say no? do you even hear thank you?” i feel obligated to do what people want. i feel obligated to give what people want or need without being asked to. let’s stop there. i sound stupid. 

Strength -  legal, logical, or moral force;  degree of potency of effect or of concentration

People see what i want them to see. Facade comes into this picture. i’m always strong. can never show my weakness. if i do, i lose. if i don’t, i lose internally. i’ve been playing the supergirl card all my life. issue is, i’m always alone. always the savior never the saved. 

Superhero syndrome. ever heard that song Superman? 

It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me

my whole life revolves three things; work, home, friends. i always wanted to be alone, but i don’t survive it much. never felt wanted anywhere, even if its family or friends. then, work came. loved it because it was the only place the NEEDED me. but seems that i wear my cape there everyday. to the point that i couldnt be clark kent there either. always strong, never vulnerable. 

been saying lately, im tired of being strong. then Monday came. That’s that for strength, it’s pretty self explanatory on my side. it’s too literal of a section so i hope this would suffice. for the last of the entry. 

Tired -  drained of strength and energy

Trigger : work

Action : Resignation

Symptoms : Nausea, shaking hands and knees, vomiting, clouded vision, crying, Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, heavy breathing, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea

Diagnosis : Unknown

Working Impression : Panic Anxiety Disorder

i’ve defined some of my roles. a glimpse of my mind and soul but to the people i’ll be send a link of this too, i bet you only know some. some, would even say they never knew. you know, i dont share my feeling or these heavy stories. seemed irrelevant. one time, 1st grade. i shared a problem about the family to a friend. This ‘friend’ made it seem too petty to the point i avoided sharing problems since then. i feel like any problem i have has no value to others. so i keep it in. just me. maybe a few blank pages. some ink. mostly tears. by myself. on my own. 

when i feel bad, or depressed when i was a kid. i would cry faintly inside my closet. come out after an hour or two. wiping tears of my face. i got caught once, by my dad. i just said, nope i was just checking my closet. i acted as if what he said before that point was ok. i step out when i feel weird and want to cry. ive learned how to cry heavily without showing an expression or even in a quiet manner. Congrats to me, i brought that till adulthood. 

Until Monday. i tried to put up my mask. but couldnt. i tried to be strong. but couldnt. i tried to obey. but couldnt. i remember asking my boss recently, can i be selfish? all my walls broke down in one day. all my optimism. my positivity. and i thought that i can do it. what people saw of me, they couldnt recognize me. 

i showed me. the weak one. couldnt even get myself to fake it. fake being strong, fake happiness, no mask. i couldnt even try. i was just done. even basing on what ive written on this entry, getting tired wouldnt be an option just yet. i didnt even talk about love or difficulties. i only got to write down instances. i was just done pretending.

since that day, i couldnt regulate. i associated almost everything and get anxious about everything. seeing the exit to my work makes me tense. walking to the building tightens my chest. getting inside makes me palpitate. claustrophobic. i dont usually breathe heavy but the doctor said breathing exercises would help. SOMETIMES it does. but not everytime. 

it took years to learn how to regulate these thoughts that i experience daily and i feel like i have to go through two decades again to learn how. i didnt lose myself, thats for sure. but i feel like im not strong enough to stay in one place anymore. to have the same people in my life anymore. i want to leave. i want to disappear. 

you know what i did after i broke down on my boss? i sat in a Starbucks branch in Molito. and starred out the window for two hours. spaced out. even my friends knew i dont do that. i felt like i died and im just the undead walking around doing my daily routine. 

why am i writing this? it’s 2:35AM. nearly sleepy by the way. i’m writing this for me to realize something. i already just did. i just realized that what people knew of me, wasn’t me. what you see and experience of me now, is the true me and i dont like it. i want to be wild binx on good days. bea when im home. bianca when im at work. looks like i can’t be that for a while. 

to those im sending this link to, i hope you read the whole thing. so you really know where i’m at. youre worried or concerned yea? well, here i am. here it is. i’m sorry im dumping my indifference this way. i’m sorry that im burdening you of my petty problems. i’m sorry i cant be myself. i’m sorry i cant be that person you knew. 

blame Monday. 

#anxitey #define me #monday #mental breakdown

[abcmerpaderp]

reunited

so i locked myself out of this account awhile back, and i realize i [mostly] come here when i’m at my lowest. at first it was a good idea for me to not remember my password so i wouldn’t be able to come back here an reread my old posts & whatnot. Now that i’ve regained access and start briefly looking back at my most recent posts, i cringe and couldnt even continue to scroll down anymore.

and so why did i feel the need to come back? the last time i wrote in here wasn’t even that long ago, it was at the end of winter quarter of my junior year.now i’m near the end of my fall quarter of my senior year, still within 2017 but for some reason i felt like so much has changed and i’ve faced some of the biggest difficulties within these past few months that broke me down to the core. i feel like the strong foundation i built myself from the winter quarter of my 1st year to now is completely shattered. i’ve been in a really vulnerable place these past few months and it’s been incredibly hard for me. it’s hard for me in that i feel the need / and have the only option of supporting myself -- with my job and the position i’m in, i’m expected to be a pro at counseling, a pro at mastering and encompassing all healthy habits of self-care, self-love; with what i study, there’s nothing else i should know better than mental health; and with everyone’s perception of me as the happy, optimistic person -- all of these makes it so hard for me to seek solace in others. 

and so with that, i became that same person that i started college with -- a person that kept everything to myself, because i felt embarrassed, ashamed, weak, and there’s nothing i hate more than being vulnerable and weak around so many successful, productive people. 

i don’t even know where to start because these past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster and me just digging deep and writing it all out isn’t going to be as easy as i thought:

1. my backpack was stolen

-- my backpack, which had everything valuable to me -- my laptop, my wallet, etc. was stolen during my second-to-last, yet most successful, thousand dollar event that i hosted and worked sleeplessly on. i was scared because all my shit was stolen, but i was also sad because my laptop, which costed my $780 (covered by a scholarship) had a lot of memories on it that i didn’t upload to an external source. now, this sounds toxic and unhealthy, but i’m a person that keeps all memory keep-sake things, even if some of them were related to past relationships/friendships. so, in that laptop, i had a lot of pictures from a brief, happy yet toxic period that i had with someone who’s important to me. i never uploaded the pictures onto any social media, and i never thought to use google photos, and now all those pictures/memories from those 4 months are gone. i think about it in that it’s a good thing because it was such a toxic period and i deserved better, but i woud still like to have those pictures with me. second point, my mom’s fortune teller knows this very well about me, but i’m a person that stresses day & night over finances. i’ve called my mom crying about the stress of college, LA, etc so much over these past 4 years. trust me, i know i’m lucky than others because essentially, in the end, i am and have had the opportunity to be in LA for the past 4 years, but there’s been a lot of emotional baggage/ guilt that i’ve felt knowing that my parents do everything [which may include lying] to give me the ease of being here -- every year, my dad would tell me about all the new cars that come out and asks me if i needed a car yet and that he’s been having enough/been prepared to get me a car and that i shouldnt worry about anything; he would ask me if i needed more money to spend, and if i did, he was just a few phone calls away; he would tell me that if i ever missed home, to just buy a plane ticket home regardless of the price. however, my parents know i’m hardheaded and they know that i refuse to use their money and all the money i’ve been using these past 4 years have been my own. it wasn’t until my laptop was gone that i had to ask my parents for help. everyone told me “just get a macbook, it’s worth it” yadiyaya, but bruh, if i could afford a macbook for the beginning of college, i probably would. i woul get a macbook in a heartbeat. when i hd to buy my second laptop, i bought a PC first because it was cheaper, and after my parents spent hours lecturing me, telling me to stop being cheap and stingy and hardheaded, that they said they would “lend” me money to just buy the most up-to-date apple laptop (of course, i didnt cus that shit is 1k+) idk, this is hard to explain in words but there was a lot of pain in the fact that i had to buy a new laptop because i was basically wasting 1000 that was unnecessary and stupid. it just broke my heart and it’s unfair because i’ve never never never stolen anyting from anyone; i’ve never stolen anything from a store, and i dont know what the fuck i did to deserve getting my backpack stolen. it just breaks my heart because im a firm believer of karma and as much as i do have anger for people, i never wish the worst for people. alot of things also spiraled from my backpack getting stolen. i lost my passport even though i was leaving the country in 6 weeks and bitch i needed my passport. so my passport was another $200 that i had to drop and a lot of traeling to the passport agency to have to deal with. idk there was a lot of bullshit tied to my backpack getting stolen and i was just at my lowest point and ready to go home for that quarter.

2. my grandpa passed away. and oh my god, i honestly don’t even know if i can write about this. yes, i know, people pass away -- it’s a part of life. but for me, it was just incredibly incredibly difficult and all the memories from that week were so vivid -- i was full of fear, sadness, regret, shame. it’s very hard for me to go into detail right now because it’s still very sensitive to me, but i just want to say i’m really grateful for my grandpa and all the things that he did for me when i was younger. he took care of me while my parents were at work, him and my grandma would take me to the bus to school. my grandpa knew no english what so ever, yet he bought me a fisher-price toy that had the alphabet, and i would press on each letter and it would tell me the letter and a word example for that letter; he bought me paper and pens to let me draw and practice my abcs; he bought AND MADE toys for me because my mom didn’t believe in buying us toys; and i never realized how important and relevant it is until now, but he was a preacher, he was a narrator, and he always, always talked about his history, his stories about Vietnam, and how how how important it was for kids to know history and for kids to go on with education. and look where i am, from high school to now, i’ve always been involved in SEA stuff and i never realized how much my grandpa played into that. and now, i teach others of the importance of knowing our parents/grandparents histories and teaching others how education for us allows us to uplift our community. there’s a lot more i have to say but him passing away was hard and continues to still be really, really hard for me. i cried probably every week in japan, and on his 30th day, i did praers in japan, i called my mom crying tell her what to tell him, i told jimmy what to tell him for me. i wished i could have been there for him, and i’m really really angry at myself that i couldn’t. and even when i couldnt be there for him, he still visited me while i was in japan. he told me even when i’m incredibly stressed, he told me that everything will be okay and that i’ll be able to get through it. i couldnt be there for him when he needed support the most, yet he’s still able to be loving and supportive enough to reassure me. gong gong, i’ll always hold my childhood memories with you deep and close to my heart.

3. a slap into reality -- me thinking i’ve been the best version of myself, the good and supportive friend to all my friends only to realize i’ve been nothing but full of myself and my own illusions; me realizing the terrible person that i actually have been and my lack of awareness and sensitivity to those around me. how tf am i a counselor if i can’t even be there for my friends? me wanting to be there for everyone, while also being scared to reach out and ask the hard questions or even taking the first step. this further led me to being more disappointed in myself -- not being there for my grandpa, not being there for my friends -- how can i say i want to help/support others when i’m the biggest culprit in hurting those around me? 

4. and then there’s me, being vulnerable, and letting others care for me only to realize that i should have never let anyone care for me in that sense to begin with; i’m better off carrying my own emotional baggage than letting someone know my emotional baggage, then disappearing and realizing that my baggage with them was just dumped into the dumpster. please do not let me open up to you, do not let me tell you about my insecurities, do not allow me to trust you, do not allow me to cry to you, do not let me do/share my happy things/activities with you if you’re not going to be in my life for the long run. (this has always been a problem for me, and i know ive been trying to work on it but it’s so hard) but one of my biggest flaws?? idek what to call it -- but one of my biggest things is that i don’t let myself be loved; i dont let others care for me or show me any affection. sure, maybe a piece of that has to do with the fact that i feel undeserving of love (i know, i know, i need to love myself and realize my worth yadiaya, but it ain’t easy) but it’s also because if i let you into my life, i’d do my best and exert all my energy to support you, make you happy, etc (even though, going back to point #3, i’m clearly not good at it). i put so much work into building a wall between me and the world, so please don’t make me tear down years of hard work for something/someone that is just only temporary. and if i start opening up to you, and you start seeing the emotional wreck that is my life (yeah i’m a wreck to others, but to mself, i’m a work in progress so w/e) and you can’t handle this beautiful mess, then just walk out as soon as possible. do not stay because you feel sorry or you feel the need to help me, because trust me, you’re only making things worse. i open up to others and let others in on the wreck of my life not because i expect others to fix me or help me, but to just have someone on the sidelines to cheer me on and be like girl, you is doing good making progress making a beautful work of art etc. it’s like how i love to support people at their dance competitions/sports games/drama or music performances because i know they worked hard on what they’re passionate about, and at the end of all their hardwork, they want to share with others the beautiful artwork that they’ve worked so hard on.  i dont got no talents (lmao) but something i’m struggliing with but still am working on is myself -- and you know at the end of the day, at each tiny milestone that i reach, it’s nice to know people are in the audience cheering me on or taking me out on breaks to rejuvenate myself so i dont overwork myself. so all in all, dont come into my life if youre not gonna stay for the long run. it’s too much energy on my part to break down my walls for others. but you know what, it’s okay because i’m getting better at goodbyes *cue Sam Smith -- Too Good at Goodbyes* <-- you dont know how many times i’ve listened to this && have cried to this bc it’s so good.

I know you're thinking I'm heartless I know you're thinking I'm cold I'm just protecting my innocence I'm just protecting my soul

I'm never gonna let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me 'Cause every time I open up, it hurts So I'm never gonna get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you In case you go and leave me in the dirt

I'm way too good at goodbyes

also, because of all of this, i don’t let anyone, not even my roommates or my closest friends, show any sort of affection/care/love towards me. period. those who are close to me know that i don’t like/do hugs, but it’s gotten worse after this. hugs trigger me. hugs are deceiving. they can feel so real and warm but leave you so cold the next moment. i shiver / sweat when people hug me because it reminds me of the times i get close to people and had to relearn time and time again that i’m not one to get affectiontely close to others. there were two instances where i was really out of it/sad and my roommate hugged me. at the moment of the hug, i felt nothing, but as soon as he let go, i went down this spiral and just started crying omgg; and then a second time with my other roommate, she hugged me so warmly, and i pushed her off and said “no, hugs trigger me please don’t” and i walked out of the room (lol). but i can’t explain this people so i gotta forcibly do the world’s most awkward hugs to everyone around me. but if i’m really close with you, i’ll hold your elbow -- thats my way of showing others im grateful for you in forms other than a hug. 

wow who knew writing could relieve so much. here’s to my roommates for giving me space and not questining me while im crying and typing on the sofa at 4 am. but here’s to hopefully being one step closer in getting over these rough mountains.