#like i cant tell you just how shitty that feels

[alannah-corvaine]

FFXIVWrite is an amazing event but it's also the month I am a sad cat staring out the window at all the kids having a great time at recess because i'm still being held hostage by incurable writer's block.

#in 2014/2015 i put out an insane amount of writing #i wrote every single day #sometimes 2 or 3 pieces #and now it takes me weeks to work on a single prompt #like i cant tell you just how shitty that feels #to know that i used to be capable of that kind of output #and now im basically braindead in comparison #feels bad doesnt even begin to describe it #tbd

[puhpandas]

Tony Becker is one of the only times that I've seen that a character has actually been doomed by the plot when people say he is

#i probably just am not interested in enough other things to see it more often #but he genuinely fucking is #like how does it feel to dig yourself in a hole you cant come back from as a result of your own actions #and your life going downhill and everything that could go wrong going wrong #and you isolate yourself more and more from your friends and family without even realizing and are so sure of uourse #that you run into everything headfirst not ever thinking that you could ever get hurt even though your dad warned you #and you died from your best friend because of ir #that you were considering ditching everyone else for #like dude. #ggy genuinely is such a good book tony as a character is so well written #its such a tragic story in every sense of the word #every part of that book and all its characters are tragic #tony especially is because gregory beinf mind controlled is off screen #but tony is just. wow ur kinda a shitty person but wholly unaware of it #but the people on your life kinda failed you alongside you failing yourself #so he never even got the time of day to be wrong and aware of it and learn from it #nobody ever cared or was able to tell him that so he could start improving #nope. he died and his family and his best friend have to live with that not ever knowing what happened to him #and ellis' two best friends probably go missing at the same time and he just has to move on #like damn its such a good story #pandas.txt #tony #ggy #thoughts

[separatismor]

.

#idg the ppl who make fun of ppl who label bullying as a trauma #my mum was bashed every day at school as a kid #then had to go home to deal with religious/cult brainwashing #i was bullied during 'no tolerance' beginnings so they just learned to jab at my appearance and ostracize me #im still deeply affected to the point where i cant form relationships without feeling on some subconscious level #that im actually being manipulated #and then i do end up getting manipulated #(there was other bullying going on but that was 95% of what they found they could get away with) #so basically im rly struggling with still feeling like a joke and like im someone whose only worth is to be fucked with in every conceivable #way as i hold no value in being seen as beautiful or lovable or likable or smart or funny or a complete person #because basically 90% of the people whove been in my life have treated me with active hostility #the other ten percent include people who were paid to not be hostile #one person out of all ive gone on more than one date with #and three friends i have now #only one of whom is willing to emotionally support me when im telling them IM STRUGGLING #anyway bullying solidified that i was a worthless pos to everyone on the planet and i dont know what kind of charmed #life these ppl have lived to not have bullying be the piss flavoured icing on the shit flavoured cake that was their childhood #okay the bullying got so bad for me that i ended up going thru psych abuse further familial abuse #a really shitty 'friendship' i had which futuer entrenched how worthless i was #which made me anthropophobic which was an horrific nightmare #i barely left the house for almost 7 years!!!! #THIS is why pplthink theyre autistic #no actually im just deeply confused as to why you would ever tell me the truth about anything #as i KNOW that im worthless and should die #the shits who laugh at bullying being considered a trauma to some come off as tho yhey were a bully...

[median-culture-is]

Median culture is wanting to come out to your bf who is accepting of systems but didn't think you were a system when he found out you were questioning :(

.

#Putting my feelings in the tags so it's easier to ignore if you don't want my opinion but that feels really shitty just “hey i think i #might be a system“ ”no you don't seem like one“ pardon? no matter how long you have been together he does not know your brain and life #experiences as well as you do and plurality is meant to be hard to detect and unless he had been looking for signs he most likely would have #missed any sign you were plural because a lot of traits people will just shrug off especially if they are unfamiliar with plurality it #feels like telling a parent you are queer in some capacity and they just say no they would have noticed or you never seemed queer like they #cant accept they just ignored the signs or didn't notice something about you #you can definitely try to talk to him about your plurality but go in prepared for him to react like a parent in denial of a queer kid and #explain to him that refusal to accept or even consider your lived experiences when you know yourself better than he does is shitty #if he doesn't get better even if it hurts it might be best to just dump him when we came out as a system we lost several friendships for #being endo but it feels better now than keeping that part of myself hidden because of fear #actually median #actually plural #actuallymedian #median system #median culture #plural system #actuallyplural #median culture is #median #plural

[britneyshakespeare]

don carlos by friedrich schiller is the most wild thing i've read all year and i'm only in act 2

#this is giving me flashbacks to when i read the winter's tale and i was literally slamming my fists and emphatically shaking the book #because i just could not believe the level of DRAMA i was reading (and the craft with which it was written) #i just closed act 2 scene 3 and im like GIRRRRLLLLL #princess of eboli im rooting for you #nobody tell me if something shitty happens w her im having a good time right now #tales from diana #up until act 2 scene 2 i was getting phaedra-meets-prince hal (of the henry iv plays) vibes #but then those next two scenes were CRAAAAZY #and i should mention phaedra by racine is one of my favorite plays #schiller also has a beautiful skill at language if the translations are doing him any justice #i dont know german so im not reading the originals naturally but just. the edition i have. the verse is so beautiful #i also read his mary stuart this year and it was also great but im losing my mind at don carlos #i was intimidated by this play too though bc it's nearly 200 pages in my copy of his works! which is a p big book #but OOOHHHHH my god #im just over 1/3rd through the play and i cant imagine how it gets any wilder #but wooooow. WOWWWW #schiller might be the first non-anglophone writer ive read who ive seen called 'the shakespeare of his culture' #and i actually felt that the comparison like. did justice. #the intensity ive felt reading these 2 schiller plays are very much how i feel reading the greatest shakespeare plays #not that the greatest/most acclaimed writers of other languages ive read arent AS GREAT as shakespeare #but like. molière i'll use as an example bc i love what i've read of him. #he's the most globally well-known french writer of verse plays but that doesn't make him like shakespeare. #he's very much in his own camp of artistic genius. his craft is also very different. the resulting products are super unique #from what is typical of a shakespeare play. #schiller's style AT LEAST FROM THE TWO PLAYS IVE READ very much have the same depth of character #complexity of plot #and grace of verse. #im obsessed! king!

[dhampir-dyke]

I'm so awful at orienting new people idk why they keep giving them to me. Like truly I suck at it

#and i cant tell if its ME being a bad preceptor or if my orientee just sucks/isnt ready for hospital healthcare #so much of this shit is just a matter of commen sense to me that it doesnt occur to me that some folks are absolutely clueless #and like!!! if i dont know i go find out! i ask! i research! #like if i dont know how or why or when to do something i just ask. but a lot of people will just NOT DO IT. WHICH IS BAD IN HEALTHCARE. #its hard bc so many of them REFUSE to take initiative. i have to really push them to do anything and instead of just doing it #themselves the next time- i have to push them to do it AGAIN #and its frustrating for me bc these arent customers. theyre some really sick people. if you get a blood sugar of 460 on your patient i feel #like its just basic common sense to tell a nurse. or if your patient has ripped out an IV. etc i could go on forever. #idk man. i got trained for all of 3 days and then got tossed into the deep end to fend for myself- i just figured it out! i used my #shitty critical thinking skills and watched my nurses and figured it out. #and like. so many people think the hospital is so easy. its not. #you have to clean up feces/urine/blood/vomit/mucus. you have to use needles on people. you are EVENTUALLY gonna see a person die and you ar #then gonna have to clean them up and bag #their belongings and put them in a bodybag. you are gonna have victims of violence AND perpetrators of it #and its okay if its hard!!!! it is!!!! but you still have to do it. it might not get easy but if you refuse to do these things then you #probably shouldnt work healthcare #for your sake and the people you are suppose to be taking care of

[timeisacephalopod]

I know I made a post the other day about making fun of peoples names being rude and people need to shut the fuck up but I found out my sister is naming her kid Texas Pete and we're not even American, it is EMBARRASSING to name your kid after a state of a country you don't even live in and the Pete is taken from the idiot father who will NOT like when I ask her in front of him why the hell she chose to name her kid after him when ZERO of her children are named after HER and also you're gunna name your kid after the guy who couldn't even pull his cock out on time? THATS what you're going to saddle this kid with?

I wish she'd gotten an abortion 🙄🙄🙄🙄

#winters ramblings #hell at this point i wish SHE was the abortion my mom got. would have saved us ALL a ton of trouble #texas fucking pete whata shitty name for this kid just give him up for adoption to someone whod ACTUALLY care about the kid #enough not to name him after his idiot fucking father who cant do jack SHIT and is incapable of takung care of HIMSELF let alone kids #but sure fuck and reproduce eith it until you get bored in 3-5 years and do the SAME shit with the next guy like youve been doing since 18 #god this whole situation has pissed me the fuck off. shes not going to like when i tell her FLAT OUT #that i put more thought into a DOG than sje did a CHILD and how does she think thatll make her son feel if he ever found that out? #THATS why im so angry like i thought about a DOG more than you thiught about a KID and then you name him like elon musk names kids #fucking fabulous 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

[bitchthefuck1]

yikes... you worshiping male characters regardless of what they do while criticizing jen walters for the few bad aspects of her show that can be attributed to the writers and not her... your blog says everything about why you make it a point to hate watch she-hulk every week and it's incredibly disappointing. i'm not some mcu fan who loves everything they put out, but man, it's tiring seeing people criticize media like she-hulk in bad faith waaaay more than mediocre white male media. oh well :/

This is... actually really funny because you don't always get anon hate that tells on itself so much.

I've been very clear and consistent about specifying that I don't dislike Jen Walters and in fact really like how she's portrayed by Tatiana Maslany. Her performance is the only really worthwhile thing the show has to offer, and it's why I find it so frustrating that they don't really do anything interesting with her. Every post I've made has been about the writing or specific narrative choices or the CGI or something to that effect.

As for me "worshipping male characters", whomst??? I'm not even really sure who this is about, as there's not a single male character I've posted about uncritically on here. Best guess is that this is about Matt Murdock, which like... I drag him constantly for being a shitty person and a crappy friend. I think his narrative arc is incredibly compelling and the Netflix series was really good, but I hope I don't need to explain to you that there's a difference between finding a character's narrative compelling and liking them as a person/co-signing their behavior, especially when you also criticize that behavior.

I think a lot of the criticism for she hulk has been bad faith dude bros whining because a woman was in a marvel thing, and that's dumb bullshit, but you can't lump all criticism in the same boat. My problem with she hulk, which is my problem with a lot of marvel's stories centered around women, is that they market them as though they're some groundbreaking feminist storytelling and then do very little to actually develop the story or characters well and coast on mediocrity that's only made passable by the talented women they cast. It's a huge disservice to the characters and to anyone who actually gives a shit about them. I'm not going to applaud them for crumbs, and if you're going to sell your work on it's "feminist storytelling" then you sure as shit better deliver more than a shallow girl power narrative. It's 2022.

#bestie idk whose blog youve been on but it sure as shit isnt mine #oh well :/ #genuinely dont know who the white men ive been worshipping are every possibility gets funnier than the last #if its one of the house of the dragon dudes that would be so funny I'm literally only here for R and A's interpersonal drama #like i do think there's a lot to be said about how media made by and aimed at women/poc/lgbtq folks/etc is often given much more scrutiny #to 'do it right' and you should be allowed to tell a story like that and be mediocre without people acting like you're 'failing the #movement' or whatever but if you're going to use the fact that this story is feminist as a selling point you cant then turn around and get #mad when people judge it through that lens. its comes off as a little disingenuous for a giant media corporation with a shitty track record #for female representation to be like 'this is groundbreaking' and then make their big green monster a barbie. #disney doesn't actually care about women babe. they just want more consumers to buy their shit and if that means putting out a low effort #'superheroes: for her' show they'll do it and collect the check #if im being charitable id say this is a misunderstanding based on the fact that she hulk is both her name and the shows name so like. its #possible that this person misread a post about the show as being about jen which like. i feel like ita pretty obvious from context that #thats not what im saying

[haunted-house-heart]

living with someone with untreated mental illness is like. i understand why you're like this and i do empathize but also like. jesus fucking christ get some help before i throttle you i stg

#i hate my sis so much. like i get it. i really do. a lot of how she acts is due to mental illness and trauma but at the same time she also #just really shitty. like ik recovery is different for everyone and you move at your own pace but she just. isnt recovering at all it seems #like its been 6yrs since we got out and my mom and i have worked really hard on getting better and changing our behaviors #all the while shes just getting worse and worse to be around. like shes legitimatrly turning into my (abusive) father #its terrifying honestly but we cant do anything about it bc you cant talk to her #you say like ''hey this thing you did upset me can you please try to not do that again'' not angry or anything and she starts crying and #yelling bc youre triggering her and its not fair and nobody loves her and like. i get that some people cry a lot and thats fine! i get that #but its literally impossible to talk to her about anything bc she acts like shes the victim and youre fuckin evil for telling her to please #not put her dirty clothes on my shelf i dont like that please. like thats not an unreasonable request and im not being mean about it! but #im the bad guy for doing anything that critisises her. #and she treats my mom like shit. like i could deal w her being a bitch to me but to momma? fuck no. #i dont believe you owe your parents shit but my mom has been a fucking saint when life dealt her a hand that shouldve made her a devil #she did her absolute best and *she* was the one that sacrificed everything to get us out #and my sister treats her like shes an incapable selfish idiot. #and she never lets me talk. shell talk for an hour about smth she knows i dont care about but when i try to tell her like. hey my fav band #is putting out a new album or smth im real excited about. she gets on her phone and just ignores me. #and she KNOWS this triggers me badly its made me suicidal before and yknow what happened then? i had to apologize for making HER feel bad #she talks over both of us but it you start talking when she was THINKING about talking she has a fit #and she actively tries to gaslight my mom. like im dead fuckin serious my mom has to ask me if smth really happened bc my sis told her it #did/didnt and she has to get me to confirm the truth for her #and she treats her pets like crap she should not be allowed to have pets bc she just loses interest in them and stops taking care of them #and we have to pick up the slack #its literally just like being with my dad again. walking on eggshells all the time #my mom cant watch tv at night bc ellie gets pissed at her for ''waking her up''. even tho she claims she never sleeps. #i hate her so so much i want to punch her i want her to move out i want to never ever see her again #but rn we cant afford to live on our own. so we have to stay with her #anyway. #vent #tw abuse

[nature-played-a-trick-on-me]

Moodboard

#gets good grades to the point of weirding out teachers but cannot cope with daily life #literally sorry but imagine what i could've done if i hadnt been traumatised for life since like birth. #literally not to be that person but this is eating me alive #mentor talked about a previous student of his with a similar amount of shitty incidents in his life #and how he'd asked said student whether they felt 'struck by fate/doom' and i was like yea that's exactly how it feels #get born to shit parents who have a shit divorce and 1 is certifiably insane #the other moves his horrible gf in who proceeds to abuse you until you develop worse dissociative symptoms #and then ur dad has to kick u out bc he is also out of options #so u go live w ur certified insane mother who apparently pulled a knife on ur dad!!! #and who pulls hair out of your head and lies to the police #u end up in a clinic where someone tells your dad 4 the 1st time he cant just threaten you #you end up in a grouphome where no one has time and your crying is ignored and turns into wailing and screaming #because youre 16 years old and have never learnt to regulate ur own emotions + fear someone will come in and kick your ass into silence #ur 20 and end up in a different place with a front door that locks and staff that respects your humanity #and you just. gotta try to pick whats left of ur life back up #the pain + exhaustion + emptiness vs good people and good grades and the idea of a good future #but one you can never rly get because you don't have the capacity anymore

[caruliaa]

feeling just so heartbroken thinking about smth my baby sister said earlier

#she asked me if she was fat and just. #ik she was asking bc she was worried she was and thought it would be a bad thing if she was #and just like. shes only seven years old ik that this shit is forced on kids from a young age but its so upsetting hearing it directly #this isnt even the first time shes been worried about/asked about this but its just esp upsetting to me today #i think bc she was talking about a rude girl in her class just before #i told her that it wouldnt matter if she was becuase it wouldnt change the fact that shes an amazing person #but idk if it got thru to her and i feel like i shld have said more. idk #also this bit makes me really mad she said she asked out mother about it #and her responce was to take her weight and height and show her that she was a 'healthy' weight #like just. shes fucking seven shes not asking bc shes concerned about her health shes asking bc she feels like it makes her lesser if she #is fat when all you tell her is that shes not fat your just reinforcing the idea that if she does gain weight thats a bad thing #also the idea of healthy weight is bs #idk like. its my mum im not surprised based on how shes treated me her actually fat child but its still so upsetting #like just. so fucking shitty this is why i have to fucking. get out of here !!!! #but also why i feel rly guilty abt the idea of leaving bc id be leaving behind my siblings #like they deserve better than this nd ik if im gone they wld loose a huge source of actual support which they dont get #from our parents #+ i wuld miss them. a lot #but at the same time like. i cant fucking stay here !!! idk #whatever. getting v sad+scared thinking abt the future. so ill stop #vent #flappy rambles #tw fatphobia #edit: also im too tired to find the studies rn on a vent post but i swear tht like. its proven talking to kids abt their wight at all #has a negative impact esp with taking their weight so like. wtf fuck my mum omfg

[scoreplings]

lack of karmic justice in real life is so fucked up i should be able to hit people who’ve wronged me with my car

#and hit people who are still cool with people who wronged me while claiming to be my friends with a bike ! #seriously fucking sucks when someone tells you to your face that what someone did to you was messed up and they’re a bad person for it and #they’re so so sorry that happened. #and then stay friends with the person who did it. #like. you know what he did. you know how badly he hurt me. how do you look at him without getting sick like i do. #anyway. my bestfriend is dating him. and was horrified when i told him what happened and told me they’d break up because he wasn’t okay #being with someone who did that to me. and hurt me like that. #and its been a month and they’re still together. idk if he meant it and changed his mind or if he just said it in the moment to make me feel #better. but either way he knows he fucked up ig because i saw the two of them together today and tried to say hi to my friend #and he like went white and wouldn’t make eye contact with me. #i get it. he really cares about him and that can’t just go away when he finds out he hurt me. #but also i thought he cared about me enough to at least keep his word. shit hurts. #me & the guy who was shitty still work together too and i hate it because i cant go to work without being reminded of him i cant hang out wi #with my best friend without being reminded of him. we even went to the same college so id see him in between classes sometimes and just get #sick. i stopped showing up some days because i just couldn’t handle seeing him there and at work. #it feels like hes tainted every part of my life and i just cant get away from it. #moving halfway across the country in two months godbless and with any luck will never see him again #cuz hes planning on moving out of the state asap and hopefully will be gone by the time my year away is up #and i have other friends who aren’t close with him. it just really sucks that my best friend is his boyfriend. what the hell man. #it has been a little over 3 months and i still fall apart whenever i think about it too much it ruins my whole day. and he just gets to keep #living his life like nothing happened. its not fair.

[elytrafemme]

(dont reblog this post) 

one day i’ll have the balls to talk abt how it can be as a person of color in activism circles where there r other pocs but a lot of ppl that i have to have conversations with are white. and how the way that activism ppl speak can sometimes lead directly w that bc activism talk relies a lot on big picture speaking and not directly asserting an opinion on anything just emphasizing its validity. which is like. a problem when ur me and brown and im trying to talk to white ppl about something and all im hearing is “ur concerns are valid” “i wish u didnt hold this pain in ur heart” “we will be having conversations about this’ but then theres like. nothing abt the actual subject. like 0 validation. but it becomes easier to get an opinion when its another subject abt white people. IDK none of the people i interact w are racist or anything but sometimes im like hm. why do i need to be sending group DMs and messages in channels w like A HUNDRED PEOPLE just to get someone to listen 2 me say ‘this is performative this isn’t helpful this has racism intrinsically embedded into it and we have to address it’ and then i either get 0 response, everyone briefly nods and goes yeah! and then moves on, or i get well this is valid im sorry about the pain in ur heart etc. like. ok. sure. but that doesnt help. 

(dont reblog this post)

#nightmare.personal #I cant turn off the rb feature yet but. this is just me shouting into the void ok. #it also sucks especially when like some of the concerns im bringing up literally ahve to do w like. yk #the racism that ppl of my own ethnicity face constantly. and when i bring it up i sound like Angry Brown Person 54 #but its like Do i even expect them to get it. especially white WOMEN bc its like #They can talk a lot of shit abt white men but I odnt think some of them realize that like #the white men r not the ones im afraid of bc theyre not the ones that i feel like I can say this to #its the white women that I always tell myslef i can talk it out w and they r the ones that dont always listen. or listen but for wrong reaso #Whatever. just. this is important to me! bc! i dont HAVE many people in my corner who are my ethnicity #i dont HAVE much validation to the fact that i still experience a lot of shittiness at the hands of white ppl #i dont get that affirmed really ever not even by my own family #so it like just rlly sucks when i feel like this like #yes i am hotheaded yes i am brown but pls dont make an angry brown person over me when im just trying to tell you #that i dont want to listen to 30 ppl talk about something w/o any nuance in the discussion when so much of that nuance is abt- #-how that topic has racism within it

[tried-andtrueblue]

oh no what do i do. !!!!!

#said i was fine to call today but the messages theyve been sending have been so negative amd pessimistic and i fear that if we called they #would just be complaining the whole time and i hate the fake sympathy i have to show just bc theyre ALWAYS like this idk???? ugh i feel like #such a terrible friend but that is just not what i need to surround myself w all the time rn #sure you can have your moments where you confide in me about things that have been bothering you but when thats ALL that you do and you cant #even hold a normal conversation i just #like what do you want me to do!!!!! #i cant fix anything for you!!!! #just UGH #and ive been ignoring their messages which i KNOW is a shitty thing to do but i do not need this rn when i have been feeling so shit lately #as well and i dont know how to tell them that because of the person they are!! theyll take it as me being distant instead of me setting a #fucking boundary!! #and i DO feel bad for them w the situation but they need to learn and grow a bit like we all have!!!!! #learn to love life a little ya know!!! despite everything #there are hard things you need just to do sometimes and theres nothing you can do about it!!! youve j gotta change your attitude and mindset #and sure its hard!!!! i fucking know it's hard! it still is sometimes!!!!!! #i am getting so far off topic i just dont really wanna call if theyre gonna be sulky the whole time and i dont know how to get out of it bc #oauahahavshshogogoguahah! #theyre gonna take it personally!! #FUCK anyways.

[flamestar126]

Dentist/teeth venting lol

#turns out i have inflamed gums and the cleaning hurts like a bitch #the dentists are always so rough stabs and leaves me bleeding near the end #told the liquid to clean my mouth was gross then proceed to lift my chair without warning me i ended up swallowing some out of surprise #did x rays and they dig into my gums so bad i literally could taste blood during #“you need to floss more” i dont know how to care of braces! the first day of getting them you guys said ok and sent me off without any info #google doesnt tell you shit as a 17 y/o then questioning me using terms ive never heard of before im not a dentist im confused dumbass ;A;; #they dropped my wire theyre supposed to put back in my mouth and couldnt find it i saw it drop under the counter and struggled to pick it u #also struggled to put a new wire on and spent over 10 min trying to put back my rubber bands #i cant open my mouth bigger than that! my mouth is small im a tiny person please stop stabbing me with those sharp tools every 5 seconds #guess who just found that tiny lost broken wire in mouth as im writing this #when they cut my wire to fit in my mouth they lost them of both sides in my mouth and i could only found one until now #gave me mismatched color bands so i have black and red im not going to open my mouth until i go back loll #took 10 min to put my bands back and struggled so hard they were pacing back n forth and cursing shit motherfuck fuck damn instead 1 min #that part was amusing no matter how long it took them they kept asking if i was okay when i felt like i should be asking them that #my venting is out of order but the first dentist was so apologetic and kind joking with me and trying to calm down when I wasn't nervous #i couldn't stop smiling at their clumsiness but 2nd dentist was rough and wanted to speedrun me it hurt #ive been there for two hours i dont care if youre slow i just want it carefully #left there shaking and bleeding #not my worst experience ngl but doesnt make me feel less shitty #the place i go do not care about me for the almost past 2 years ive been there #my anger left im just being whiny now #flame vents #dentist

[snekdood]

ig my biggest issue with fandoms is the almost... false closeness thats there in them? ig since i was a kid and wasnt good at enforcing boundaries and was just excited to find ppl with the same interest I didn't really think about it but be real like, there was a vibe that it was "okay" and "fine" to expose a lot about ourselves to eachother that... i think if we knew eachother irl... we'd hafta be a lot closer than that to see or hear about that stuff...

#like ig am i the only one who thinks its kinda weird when ppl would pass fanfics around?? #ig its just kinda normal now or whatever but think about it. youd hafta be closer friends with someone- besides just sharing an interest- #to see their slash fics right?? doesnt it seem kinda weird that ppl used to be so willing to toss that out there #ig the level of anonymity helps but my point isnt rly about the fics so much as it is... sharing information thats personal to you #i definitely didnt know how to assert boundaries as a kid- like i just didnt know it was an option for me to be like 'no i dont want to do #that' -wow that sounds really fucked up outloud huh! #ig my autonomy was taken from me so much as a kid i kinda just assumed i wasnt the one who got a lot of choices #and no one really taught me enough about internet safety .-. my mom did once but... she didnt push very hard #and that ended me up in a lot of shitty situations- like on here. how i posted a pic of myself when i was a fuckin child #sexualizing myself and some adult commented something suggestive back to me and ig i just. thought i had to accept the situation #like i just. thought it was ok to happen. ig since i had so many ppl rob me of my bodily autonomy before that it just seemed normal #or at the very least it was something i couldnt change so i didnt try and at the time figured i had to accept as normal #and since no one intervened to tell me what any of those ppl did to me was wrong i just. didnt think about how it effected me or if that #even mattered #so why is my life so dark exactly whys it gotta be like this tho #ig its kinda hypocritical of me to post this. i mean i use my account as like a diary sometimes or that im just yelling into the void lol #but thats also kinda because of all of this honestly. i think i realized i didnt want it to be that way for a while and stopped #but after all the shit with my abuser on here its like.. i feel like i cant not be as open as i am? #idk its like... a testimony or something ig. idk how to describe it. ig i just feel like ill always hafta be defending myself online from #everything. and if i dont talk about every little thing that makes me fucked up then people wont leave me tf alone about shit i cant contro #or change. like i cant go back in the past and not do whatever. but also as far as any actual harm ive done there isnt really... much there #ive had shitty ideas normalized to me sure but i dont really feel like i passed those ideas on to anyone really