#like nobody has done anything anyways

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[marzipanandminutiae]

pour one out for that poor lady (Laurie Dumas) who got taken in by some rando at the library making up bullshit stories about dedicated "disappointment rooms" in old homes for hiding away disabled children, and decorated a rather whimsically-shaped upstairs coal storage space like a child's room "in honor" of a kid who almost definitely was never imprisoned there

although she did start a nonprofit because of it so. Bad History for a cause, I guess

(but also imagine losing your daughter at age 5 and then having your name dragged through the mud 100+ years later because you- or a later occupant of the house! we don't even know when the strange facade with windows was added! -decided it could be fun to put a schoolhouse exterior on your coal storage space)

#history #bad history #there was no evidence that the girl was even disabled #other than 'her parents were prominent but no articles about them mention her' #and like. she died at age 5. why WOULD newspapers mention her? they weren't in the habit of talking at length about honorees' small childre #she hadn't done anything to warrant mention yet. nobody has really #anyway they didn't need purpose-built rooms for that. they locked people up in asylums and out-of-the-way bedrooms easily enough

[oceanwithouthermoon]

i think its weird that i have to make this disclaimer but the internet is crazy so wtvr,, anyway,,

if i say i dont like something, that doesnt mean "that thing is bad and nobody should post it.."

i swear literally every time i even mention that i dislike something, people will go "wow does that mean u fucking hate me cuz i post that thing? ur a fucking stupid bitch and all ur opinions r wrong" LIKE ?? er.. no. just because i say i dont like certain characterizations of certain characters (the saiki k fandom is CRAZY about this cuz i can state an opinion on literally any character and a group of people will still go 'well only we're allowed to post our opinions about them because we're always right!1!1!'), or certain ship tropes (mentioned my hatred of toxic yaoi maybe once or twice on here months ago and people STILL get mad at me as if i said toxic yaoi lovers r evil or something), or certain ships, or WHATEVER, does not mean that i HATE the people who are posting them or that i think they shouldnt post them at all, NO, im just posting about my personal tastes on my personal blog and it would be extremely weird and hypocritical if i decided that i was the ONLY person that was allowed to do that,,

i think the only reason people assume that is because there are a lot of other people on here who ARE like that, and a lot of people toe the line between posting that they dont like something and posting that they think everyone who likes that thing is stupid, annoying, and wrong,, so i guess all i can say is, sorry for whatever made you make these assumptions but they arent true about me so plz leave me alone ʘ‿ʘ ur doing the same thing to me that ur accusing me of but i didnt do it in the first place so ur just actively being a dick for no reason

#crazy that the mindset some people on here have is that theyre the only ones allowed to post their opinions #ive repeated this a lot on this blog but i rlly think people forget that the person on the other side of the screen is in fact a person #if ur harassing people and publicly making fun of them then ur just as bad as any real life bully #that shit isnt as funny or harmless as u like to pretend it is #not once have i ever targetted anyone or went on someones blog to harass them over my opinion #yet people think its fine to do the same to me and treat it as if its like. revenge or something #like ? me saying 'i dont like toxic yaoi' is not equivalent to someone going on someone elses page and going 'how tf do u like toxic yaoi' #I DONT CARE !! all ive ever done is sit in my own little bubble and had opinions and that makes people mad #honestly though the people who will publicly talk and post abt it are significantly meaner #and i want to act like im not bothered by it because i know most of them r just angry that someone has a different opinion #and they want all their followers to bandwagon off of them (idk why maybe for validation or whatever-same reasons anyone would bully) #but seriously if u actually do think that something i said was out of line and crossed thise boundaries- just fucking tell me ? #im a person bro. ur solution to disagreeing with me shouldnt be 'lol im gonna post abt this and make everyone harass them' #have a conversation with me dude i dont bite ? if u cant talk to me like a person then just dont fucking say anything wtf #its so cowardly to be like 'well no i didnt wanna say anything to u cuz i didnt wanna be rude.. so instead i publicly made fun of u!' #LIKE WHATTTT STOPPPPP </3333 #ok anyway this post wasnt supposed to get THAT serious. #MY POINT IS just be considerate of other people and dont base ur hatred off of assumptions #ur deflecting the blame onto someone else because u dont want to admit that ur just a fucking bully lol #being inconsiderate on here is something ive also been guilty of back when i first joined the fandom and was clueless #but grown ass adults who have been on here way longer r still doing that shit which is crazy #and i cant say anything because they have so much leverage over me and idk if its on purpose or if they dont even realize #ok im putting fandom tags cuz i want people to see this sorry. this is my one post thats actually targetted but its at a lot of people #so if u look at this and think 'hey i do that' pls evaluate urself<3 #i mean its also targetted at everyone who does this anonomously so i dont know who it is OKOK IM DONE BYE SORRY HOPE THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLE #watch nobody read this fr #saiki k #tdlosk #the disastrous life of saiki k. #meows post

[furrama]

I see that Tumblr has a main character. Haven't had one of those in a while. And, unfortunately for the rest of us, he might be the last one.

#The CEO of this site has been busy being his worst self in regards to black and Palestinian and trans people #I saw people vaguing for days but nobody actually reblogged or explained anything on my dash #Anyway on top of that there's unofficial rumors that the site might be partnering with Midjourney to sell off all of our art data to them #And if that happens you won't see me here ever again #Like yeah scrapers probably already have everything I've ever done #But I never gave permission #I will never give permission #And for people saying “Oh you gave permission when you signed up for an account” I joined in 2014 #This sort of application was not on anyone's radar #But if that's how they want to interpret the language then I guess I can't stop them #But I won't be around because of that #Or anywhere else that decides to do the same

[random0lover]

I hate men and their need to act like any emotional reactions you have while you’re on your period is just you being “hormonal” and “not yourself”

(Rant in tags)

#like sorry I’m actually defending myself rather than just letting you talk shit about me directly infront of me?? #when I’m on my period I tend to show more of my real emotions rather than what people want to see so yeah #but the conversation I was having with my brother was fine- I wasn’t talking to him in any way #he asked me about the monster that I had because like an hour or two ago he asked me not to throw it away since it’s one with the cod #qr code thing on it and he asked me if I threw it away and I said “no it’s not empty right now it’s infront of the microwave” and right #after my dad jumps in saying nobody needs to take offense to how I’m talking or how I’m being? when I didn’t say anything in any way? like #my brother didn’t even have the time to respond to me before he jumped in and started indirectly talking shit #I’m so done right now- all he’s done the last few days is nit pick at me about stupid shit like yesterday we missed the our bus stop and we #get off and this man starts yelling at me that now he doesn’t get to eat (mind you he never explicitly said he wanted to get off at that #stop I thought we were just going directly home)- he constantly says shit on purpose to get a rise out of me and now for some reason my #brother (the one that is 17) has been budding in and telling me to stfu and all this shit and my dad feeds off it and uses it as more of a #reason to justify how he’s treating me and it’s just so upsetting cause he does know I’m in a more vulnerable time right now since my period #is always really difficult anyways really sorry for the rant don’t have any friends I can talk to irl about any of this so to the internet #it goes 🙃 #random0lover emotional dumps #random0lover rambling ♡

[ranvwoop]

i need to expel the silly guys in my brain . but i forgot how to draw and writing is hard... much to think about

#vwoop.noises #I am thinking about cool war again. there is no tangible reason for this #Tge only rita summers stan in the whole world.. I think somethint could be done interesting abt her #I'm not sure whether shes bad bc of misogyny or bc none of the side characters were good #I hesitate to be mean bc Just a guy wrote that. Got no compensation for this. Etc etc. It's like conceptually advanced fanfic is my way of - #understanding this space #This being said. #It is very edgy for the sake of kt #And I want to play with your stock characters #Anyways Rita. Why is a child hanging out with the magic terrorists #They give off college dropout vibes but i think shes a little younger than like normal Knew them in highschool vibe. Hmm. Maybe #But regardless. She has to do highschooler chores . She has homework.. #its just silly to me. Esp. bc shes just a goth little teenager #I think she's edgy on her own. Not even because the whole thing is edgy. She doesn't get toned down in my mind she believes she's #playing + winning 4D chess #In my beautiful mind palace she wasb rlly good friends w/ jessie b4 Average Tragic Backstory and is kind of like. sus abt the whole thing #very Yesterday was a terrible tragedy. You have classes today #As well as like. She's a bit younger and can cope a bit worse with everything. I think. As is her right as a goth teenager #she's just like. Angry. #Which is yknow. Why magic terrorism #but also w/ like jessie a) Her sibling is coping worse* and then b) Nobody says anything ever so as to not upset joey #*I have rewritten this whole thing in my mind Heart . He mitosis'd and then unmitosis'd as timeline course corrections and this is #quite difficult on a person. #but in the downtime.. shes just a bit silly.... #magic terrorists and their princess of darkness (Also a magic terrorist) #I've also decided shes close w og just because I say so . They look similar and people r like Oh how sweet You are looking after yr little #sister. And she wants to do murder. #they both have dark hair; she dyes hers to look gother. and similar faces I Guess < The faceblinder but I'll decide when I draw them

[chryzure]

whew, people get heated over their fav booktok book.

#memorie.txt #once you’ve read more you’re more willing to admit that you love a kinda poorly written book #by god i love jackaby. the writing style is a solid 3/5 and the plot stuff is cheesy as hell. #you get a better frame of reference for ‘this book requires an award’ style of good #and a ‘god this is so my dumb little niche that scratches all those weird little itches nobody else has’ style of good #one of my fav series is the ghost and the goth!! is it good?? i don’t know if i’d go that far!! #is it fun and does it make me think of trysi / chryzure stuff??? yes :) #i’m beginning to wonder abt ppl rabid abt their fav books. anyway this one person was losing their shit over ppl liking apollo #and aurora and i’m an aurora shooter but i digress #they were foaming at the mouth and im like Well. its a little not that serious . #he is letters on a page. and also mostly irrelevant to the story as a whole so im kinda confused as to why ppl feel so strongly abt him #it’s funny because most of my complaints stem from an outside pov #where i critique the worldbuilding / plot work / character writing and its inconsistencies #whereas ppl assume im encouraging villainy irl. it is quite seriously more that the villainy is unmotivated #or otherwise poorly done. i love to hate a good villain if the proper legwork is put into it #because i like observing how others work their craft!!! #but my irritation with stephanie is that she doesn’t work her craft well. it’s shoddy craftsmanship full of retcons or #convenience required for plot that otherwise hold no reasoning in the story #and i can admit that i find the series unsatisfying because it’s marketed as a romance (the romance had little chemistry that could be #understood by anyone that’s not straight. straight romances are always laziest because it’s the ‘norm’ so that equates to chem) #and also it was marketed as having plot when rlly the ‘plot’ was trying to put these characters in weird chemistry-less situations together #so yeah i’ll complain abt the villains being jealous shallow archetypes when it could’ve had depth. #i’ll complain abt a lot. but in the end it’s a silly basic ya romance series that isn’t anything unique #most unique stories will not be found on booktok. i’m sorry #i can show you the beautiful world of horror novels though! #or weird lil 80s fantasy novels that are actually quite long that my dad likes showing me #truly no romance novel will be better than the darkangel trilogy though.. that is what stephanie wanted to write. #but that’s lightning in a bottle ithink. #okay anyway. good night. i worked a long day and i have appts in the morning

[frecklystars]

Hey keri!! I don't want you to worry about people thinking you're faking anything and stuff like that - what you're doing and how you're approaching it is completely normal and healthy, everything you've said about the shades of pink in that post makes a lot of sense! people know that recovery isn't a straight line, but more wiggly with ups and downs, and you're such a sincere and nice person that I really don't think anyone is going to be whisper whisper about you making it up for attention or stuff like that - especially when the way you present and talk and vent about it is so different to how someone "doing it for views/attention" would be - but honestly I think a lot of people and I really understand the fear of this and the worry, but I think you should feel reassured that nohody is going to be thinking that. Recovery is complex and multifaceted and we understand, and we're all so proud of how well you're doing!! Sorry if this is a bit rambly or doesn't make sense, I find it hard to get thoughts into words sometimes. We're all rooting for you ✨💕🌻

HI YELLOW THANK YOU!!!! 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

I appreciate you writing this all out for me! And dw it all makes PERFECT sense to me, you are wonderful at phrasing things and also I love you <3

I want to believe it's true, that people can use their braincells if they see me posting a picture of my self insert wearing my favorite pink shirt, and think to themselves "oh wow look, Keri is working on healing, good for her!!!" but I've gotten some confused messages where people are like "why would you make your S/I wear a pink shirt if pink is a trigger? why are you reblogging pictures of Starscream if looking at him is a trigger?" and it's just so hard to have to explain myself over and over and over, that I'm 5 months into the healing process, that Starscream isn't a trigger anymore so much as he is someone I am heavily grieving now, that damn I love pink sooo much and I don't want it to be a trigger anymore, I genuinely want to heal and that means I'm going to have to put in the work!!! I am going to have to look at these things and allow these feelings to wash over me, to reassure myself that I am in control. I do this in my therapy appointments, I do this when I know I'm feeling stable enough to look at these things, and on my horrible days when I can't look at them whatsoever then I just simply don't.

But nowadays when I'm starting to feel myself improve even just the smallest bit, I start to get scared that ppl aren't going to try to understand me no matter how many times I explain how healing from PTSD works. I've been through a lot the last 9 months, I was completely alone with ppl who were convincing me that my feelings weren't valid, so naturally when I come back online I assume ppl are going to think my feelings on reclaiming my own triggers at my own pace won't be valid either...

...and me saying that,,, might be silly, considering all the support I've gotten in such a short amount of time,,,,, I shouldn't stress about an incredibly miniscule amount of people who could potentially tell me that I'm "faking it". but I still get so so anxious, it's been SO LONG since I've talked to people again, people who are actually healthy for me to be around, I'm not used to people understanding me or hearing me out, I'm still so scared that I'll turn around and somebody I trust is going to stab me in the back. Nobody has reason to do this, I just,,, I'm so used to it, I endured it for almost a year, so I'm always on guard now ready for someone to plunge that knife into my back when I least expect it. I never used to get anxious abt things like this but I am such a different person now than I was before I left, I feel like my biggest parts of me are missing :( but I am hoping that healing from my trauma little by little by reclaiming the things that were lost to me are going to help me find myself again.

Thank you for telling me that this is a normal part of healing, bc I feel kind of out of my mind and going thru this process is so rough. It's so hard waking up and immediately getting flashbacks, and having other days where I wake up and I'm immediately super cautious, so tense that my chest will hurt, because I know the flashbacks could start at any point and I have to be "ready" for it. Having anxiety 24/7 is!! wild!!! and I keep going up and down when I'm healing and it makes me feel weird, it makes me feel like I am going crazy and that I'm "doing this wrong". I know healing isn't linear, like rationally I think deep down I am aware of it at least, but omg I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster over here. I've never had PTSD with multiple triggers and I've never actually had to experiment with reclaiming said triggers. I'm scared of people perceiving me when I'm in such a bad state, judging my every move and deciding whether or not my healing is valid or if I'm doing this "correctly". It's probably silly for me to think these things but it's been really eating at me for the past few days.

But I'm rereading your message a few more times rn and trying to really let it sink in, especially when you say I'm a nice/sincere person ;-; thank you. Most people know me by now, I have been online for a longass time, I truly hope people know I'm genuine and I would never "fake something for attention", especially when it involves my comfort characters, like... this is literally the worst thing to ever happen to me, I couldn't fake this if I tried lmao;;;

Thank you for sending me a reassuring message, I appreciate it <3

#yellowpoet #asks #keepsake #also im so glad that you thought my post made sense 😭🙏💛 #i rly rly rly hope that most ppl have the same mindset that you do #i just know the reading comprehension on this hellsite is like... nonexistent fjhgfdksfhg #and ive already gotten some confused messages. and theyre innocently confused #but it just scares me bc theres so many Evil People out there who might try to put me down for all of this #and I am just. I'm doing so bad. I want to heal but I don't know if I'm 'allowed' to #bc people expect me to heal at a certain pace #like. I do not want to spend years being scared of these 10 or 20 things #especially a color that is so!! love-coded!!! one of my main fave colors!! #me trying to reclaim it is something I couldn't have done 5 months ago #but nobody saw me 5 months ago bc I was offline for so long. nobody has seen me at my Worst #so I'm scared that ppl will assume I'm 'healing too fast' #I've only been back for one week but my healing process is reaching 6 months very soon #idk if anything i said just made sense bc i jumped everywhere lmao??? #anyway. ANYWAY. yellow i love you SO MUCH you cannot fathom how much I love you #I thought about you a few times when I was gone I thought about a lot of mutuals #and like you're one of my favorite blogs/mutuals and I care abt you so much. so thank you for sending me this

[jungkkyuk]

.

#I just cannot with all of the negative attitudes since solo era started #and especially the last few weeks #’why this??’ ‘why that??’ #’this member this!’ ‘this member that!’ #like….sit tf down EVERYONE #nobody knows SHIT about ANYTHING behind the scenes and why it’s being done that way #and sitting here bitching about it and spreading the negativity is soooo toxic #cuz that shit spreads like wildfire #I really can’t stand it #what I know is that the tannies all really love each other #and business decisions are made with their consent and input #again…they’re the ones making those decisions #like everyone saying ‘why didn’t yoongi book stadiums??’ #then come to find out it’s cuz he didn’t think he could do stadiums solo #and I think it’s similar for all of them #tannies are humble which leads to them underestimating themselves #ANYWAY I just can’t get on board that the label has some sort of vendetta against any member of bts #it makes no business sense #especially when that’s their huge cash cow #they’re not going to do anything to prevent them returning as ot7 #bottom line is we don’t know when they’re all enlisting #but pretty much all of them have said how they want to go to 2025 #and have every intention of that being their target date #and yes technically maknae like don’t NEED to enlist until next year #but maybe they want to do it this year to get it over with?? #again…WE DON’T KNOW SHIT #okay that’s the end of my rant for now lol #I just really hate the attitudes and blame going around right now #just because it’s not what YOU want them to do #you’re not their manager Cheryl!!

[hhawkeye]

we can live in a world where claudia and lestat are both right. We can live in that world. if youre not a coward about it

#iwtv spoilers #im so. listen here's the thing. lestat is my babygirl. hes never done anything wrong in his life ever #and neither has claudia. #or louis but nobodys arguing that. everyones like louis youre sooooooo hot louis im soooo in love with you louis run away with me #anyway lestat and claudia are both so valid and so real. i want them to kill each other

[sysig]

Alright, speed drawing time

#DDoodles #Doodles #I'm actually just about to take a break but believe me - once my blood sugar level is back up it will again be Speed Drawing Time #Today's warmup! I haven't been posting my warmups lately 'cause they've been turning into their own projects lol #I'll post 'em in November it's fine #Anyway my goal is to get today and tomorrow's Requestobers done ASAP because I've added ummmmmm #Probably a solid couple hours onto tomorrow's lol #It's nothing particularly impressive lol I wish that it was it's just time-consuming tedium #And I don't know how to do it other than by hand so I'm doing it by hand lol #I mean I /guess/ I could /try/ to plonk it into a program that's capable of what I want and then go from there but like #That'd Still be an extra couple of hours just to figure out how to do that and then get it to do exactly what I want anyway lol #So I'll just do it manually! Make it harder for myself! Lol #At least I know how to do it manually - I can do almost anything given enough time and passion >:3c #Mostly I just need the assets in place - it'll take a jif'n'a half #Or it WOULD if my tablet would stop DYING on me! #The lights are on but nobody's home! #I can't tell if it's the cord or the ports or the tablet itself - I've had it for almost ten years so it's no spring chicken #I know the port is loose and this laptop has seen better days too lol #But still! I need it to hold out! #I could use my Gaomon but I'm still getting used to it :| Okay no that's a lie I haven't been practicing I'm avoiding it uou #It stopped displaying on my main screen and only displays on the tablet screen itself despite me not having changed any settings >:0 #Technology just needs to chill and do only what I ask it to and stop making weird decisions without my input #Anyway! I'm gonna go eat sugar

[wtylas]

i think the time has come to gatekeep hinduism from the greek myth "fandom"

#lasi.txt #testing out the no reblog option on this post 😃 #doesnt mean nobody can respond im just trying it out lol #anyways i scroll too far on tumblr and see people literally turning the gods into like blorbos or whatever #it is absolutely embarrassing to see. #my culture is not your new fandom. know your place. #its already so weird what tumblr has done to greek mythology but at this point there -> #isnt much to do about it #but they better not pounce on my culture. #you can appreciate it all you want. but know your own limits. #some of the posts i saw while just looking at tumblr literally infantilze our gods #and obviously if you were to bring it up to them theyd be like #'im not doing anything wrong i love the culture and im respecting it!' #like stfu. no youre not. get outta here....... #i am always happy to see non-hindu people learn about our culture but literally #some people be getting too comfortable on this app. #hindu mythology

[alistairian]

.

#i feel like the only person that has body issues specific to being too skinny #and like I know nobody wants to hear it so I generally push it down (good at that) or make jokes when people point it out #but anyway in high school i heard that starting T could make you gain weight and working out could make u gain muscle weight #and for awhile I worked out fairly regularly and always ate as much as possible #only stopped workig out when I started working super physical jobs #nothing's changed! #I'm 25 and I weigh less than I did at 17! i was already considered 'underweight' back then! #i can see my bones; my insides are loud as fuck #when I strain my muscles too much it leaves dark bruises on my skin along the ridges where they flex #if I don't eat enough for too long I get dizzy and super light headed/spacey #idk why my metabolism is like this #like it could still be worse; i don't look sick or anything; but fuck man idk #makes me feel frail and weak and vulnerable #I'm already a head shorter than everyone #ok done whining :/

[arthur-r]

being involved in local politics is exhausting

#primaries for city and state government are tomorrow #i haven’t done anything about state but i still have time #i’ve been too focused on the mayor and city council positions and developing strong feelings #there’s somebody running for city council who lives in elko new market and when asked about the state of business in my town had no idea #she’s running on principles of being a good business person that is her entire pitch and she doesn’t know anything about local businesses #she also doesn’t care at all about wage and says they should leave it to the state #which i think is ridiculous when minneapolis raised their wage to $15 because now the majority represented won’t care about state anymore #like most of minnesota already has living wage and so nobody is going to care about the rest of us #(reasons i would ideally be able to ride the bus 40 minutes a day to minneapolis to work) #anyway i’ve been researching candidates and telling my sister who to vote for since she’s 18 this year #i’m never going to personally vote in any minnesota elections (moving out at 17) so i’m doing all the advisory i can while i’m still here #anyway most of the people running for office are old white people with scandals in their past #or weird rich people who don’t even live here who just want an easier election than the cities #which makes me so angry honestly. people who run for office here because they wouldn’t make it in st paul #they run for office here because it’s a smaller voter base and not too far of a commute. and know absolutely nothing about who we are #and like. i don’t have immense loyalty to this town. i belong to three of them for goodness sake but just. idk!! #i want the people running the town i work in to be people who actually care about local businesses #and i want them to care about workers rights and raising the wage and encouraging diversity and stuff that personally affects me #i hate how all the elections in my town are people who are too conservative for the twin cities and don’t care what suburb they choose #because sure i live in just another stupid suburb but maybe i actually care about it a little and maybe i want people to care who we are #anyway. yeah. hopefully my encouragement of my family to vote will make a difference #sorry for ranting about suburban minnesota politics. audience of no one. but yeah idk #me. my post. mine.

[daimoan]

i tried so hard to be kind and sweet and all of these things that are supposed to be good? and valued? but im alone again and i dont think ill ever not be

#if you recently asked me how i am doing. sorry #i do remember and value that. its just very hard to trust that as something i could ever actually lean on #like even to say that feels like maybe i am overstepping. so. yeah thats where im at haha #ive just gotten burned way way too many times at this point #forged in fire??? burnt to ashes #i used to think phoenixes were relatable but not really anymore #the vibe has changed completely #and really im on my way out. not in like a super depressing way im not about to kill my body but when i say #im transitioning to a p zombie its . not a fucking joke im done here #my support group of all things went to shit yesterday too so i really have nowhere to stand im just breaking breaking. breaking. breaking . #dissolving. dying. and im like kind of hurt that nobody even cares enough to know these things about me #but how can i blame people for not knowing that asking me how im doing is not enough #or like how can i blame people for not caring #ppl got their own lives or whatever idk how this shit works. #man im just so so so done. #my friend told me about some future worries today and i was just sitting there like man. how do you even. #talk like you will have a future #like anything matters like any of this is real #because to me it's pretty clearly not #i didn't say that shit to him obviously #id like to keep a friend or two around just in case idk #someone to go on a walk with #sometimes he asks me what i think about stuff #i like listening to myself talk. so i benefit from that #anyway the point of this post was that while im done being a self im also very fucking done being selfless #acting like i think i can help people or something. i cant. i dont want to. i dont care. #i just dont fucking care anymore.

[exopelagic]

I love my degree I love my department I love my uni

#killing and biting and screaming #if I have to do one more thing ever again I’m gonna lose it I can’t wait for may I can’t wait for may #I had a very nice chat with a phd student today who confirmed everything I’ve been thinking from a different perspective #and let me tell you. vindication is nice. #I’m so close to things being bearable but to get there I have to make it through The Horrors. there are so many horrors #okay the one thing has happened someone’s asking me to read an email that’s it I’m done forever #I will keep going even though I’m gonna have to claw my way through. bc unfortunately I have responsibilities #such as ‘run this dumb club’ and ‘give this dumb presentation’ and ‘email these dumb supervisors’ #and my friend is being so fucking annoying abt how we like the same supervisors and is complaining abt me going for similar people #oh people are fucking upstairs that’s fun love to hear it #anyway I’m literally sending her people to talk to and she’s complaining that I like the sound of this person she brings up. #sorry dude im not applying to shit I don’t like to save your ego #anyway I can’t wait to get out of this city maybe I’ll move somewhere else when I graduate and spend the year there #phd student earlier was suggesting places to go to get research assistant jobs #oh my god she was also talking abt how biology is so nepotistic it’s all abt the people you know #and then I go talk to the friend again whose dad has a fancy research job and she’s LITERALLY CITING HIM IN HER PRESENTATION #HE OFFERED TO GET HER A JOB AT DEFRA. HES GIVEN HER THE IDEAS FOR HER LAST TWO PROJECTS. #PEOPLE KEEP THINKING ITS CUTE AND COOL AND SHIT THAT SHES GETTING STUFF FROM HER DAD AND I WANT TO SCREAM #LAST YEAR SOMEONE TOLD HER SHE SHOULD PUBLISH THIS ANALYSIS SHE DID OF DATA SHE GOT FROM HER DAD. BC NOBODY ELSE HAS DONE ANYTHING WITH IT. #I’m gonna have to live with her next year #murder. murder #why did saving as draft give everything double tags will that show up when I post #weird. #I am being soooooo normal abt everything I can function so good sleep deprived #okay it’s fine. I’m gonna. finish eating. wash up. call home. write presentation. read this guy’s thing so I can email him. hockey? #very ambitious but if I get some things done that’s fine #luke.txt