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the-theater · 4 years

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Story Two: Fucks High; School For Furries And Drug Lords (Pt. 2)

AN: So Ive been tiping more offten now so my speeling wuld be better liek you all sed. SEE I CAN TAKE CRITISISM WEHN I TINK IST RIGHT

Asahi: The only problem is that you pick and choose what criticism is valid

Cherry: I just hope ya keep your word about the spellin’ improvement.

Editor's note: No. Fuck it. I can't do this.

Briar: Completely valid.

Briar: Questionable as to why she would upload this with that note attached.

I QUIT. I FUCKING QUIT. AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT? I WIN BECAUSE I HELD UP ROVA FOR TWO YEARS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Asahi: And there is the validation that this was a troll story all along.

Fuck it I can't even edit this chapter someone else go do it for Rova because I cant' even at this point

Briar: Again, completely valid.

CHAPTER 12: A NEW DAYU

Cherry: Some more sufferin’.

Today was a nice day in Forks as I got up from my bed. Just like other houms, my home had a bedroom, where I was.

Asahi: I would assume a house that people live in has a bedroom.

Cherry: Unless it’s a Sims house, then ya can make it without a bedroom.

That stupid slut Bella had been sleping in this room before I moved into it, and becaus of that I now lived ni the bedroom.

Asahi: Did you not live in a bedroom before? Were you just couch crashing?

Bella dat stupid slut now lived in the shack in the backyard of the house.

Briar: Honestly, why does she hate Bella so much?

Asahi: Right now I’m more concerned over the fact that two teenagers are living in a house despite the owner being dead.

Asahi: Correction, one teenager is living in the house, the other is living in a shack on the property.

Cherry: Even worse!

She had all of her prostitushin rackets set up back there. Stupid jocks line up every night in order to tape her ass.

Briar: Look, prostitution is a perfectly normal occupation and should be treated with the same kind of respect as any other working job.

Briar: The problem isn’t the sex workers, it’s the ones who abuse them and take advantage of them.

Cherry: Got experience with it?

Briar: Brothels and sex workers are fairly common where I’m from, or rather, about as common as it is for you guys. We’re just more… open and accepting of them?

Briar: The rules are also very strict there. I got to bear witness a Duke getting kicked out of one of them because he was being incredibly disrespectful and belligerent.

But thats enough of Bella lets go back to focusing on me.

Asahi: But I want to keep talking about Bella.

I woke up agin this morning an then I went downstairs. I realized I was nude but chadley no longer lived here sins I killed him.

Briar: And I am still very upset over you killing him. For a key of all things.

he had died and i attended his fuenerel. I was very sad at his funeral and Bella was very emo she slit her wrists at least fourteen times. I think that she lost about 12 gallons of blood when she was doing that.

Asahi: One; I don’t get why you’re sad about it. You murdered him. Two; Of course Bella is going to be sad. You murdered her dad!

Cherry: An that is way more blood than the human bodies has! Humans only got 1.5 gallons on average!

All of the bloid had spilled into chadley's coffin and it created a beautiful scene of blood. I love blood and all of the Collins love blood as well.

Maybe dat is because the Collins are vampires.

Briar: Oh, my! They like blood because they’re vampires? Who would have come to such an obvious and blatant conclusion!

Vampires, you see, like to drink the blood of humans. Animals blood will not cut it for vampires they will always have that sense of bloodliust.

Asahi: Except, the Cullen’s have been doing pretty well these last hundred years or so of being vegetarians and only feeding off of animal blood.

Cherry: She’s probs gonna change it. Take away their vegetarianism.

Anyways I wke up and then wanted to go to school again. I couldnt wait to get up and go to school because today we were nominating people for class presidwnt, which is a very prestigious role to fill.

Briar: And of course you’re going to be the class president.

Asahi: Is there even any doubt?

Last year Angel a was the class president but then she became a vampire and killed all of bella's friends. i slmost fel bad for bella but she was a major fuicking bitch before that happened and now shes better so I kind of like angela for doing that I guess.

Asahi: Justice for Bella 2020!

Anywas I got to the parking lot

Briar: Did you walk? Did your stolen care miraculously return?

and found edowred talking to his sister Alicia and his weirdo friend jaspor who was just parking his awdi.

Cherry: By “Weirdo friend” I assume ya mean “Clanmate/Adopted Brother/Brother-in-law”.

"Hi edowerd hoes it going" I asked woundering hiw his day was going

"doth far it havth bineth so goodeth" he retoted

Briar: Gah!

Briar: I almost forgot how awful his dialogue is.

I loked over at jaspor from where I was standing and talking to edowerd and Alicia. there he was all alone. Jasper had a ver tan feca for an transsecual. He was holding briught purpler maskara and he has white feac paint on.

Cherry: Can ya not with the transphobia and terrible makeup today?

Briar: More importantly; how is Alicia so easily integrating back in school when she is now a fugitive on the run from the law for breaking out of jail? The local jail at that.

He was listenin to his androwd phone becuz hes a loser and doesn't use appel phones like evrybody else does.

Asahi: Alright, I’m going to lay some facts down, and this is not entirely because I use an Android.

Asahi: As of April of 2020, the mobile operating systems worldwide market share put Android at 70% while IOS was at 28%, with the other phones such as Samsung making up the remaining percentage. That’s a 42% difference in favor of Android.

Asahi: Another study put Android at 74% for market shares, while the iPhone only made up 22%.

Asahi: Some countries use the iPhone more, but statistics are statistics. Android is the best.

"Okay edowerd its time for historee again" I remineded edowerd. If it wasn't for me edowerd would never be anywere on time because he's sooooo forgetfull.

Briar: I doubt that. He’s likely doing this so you feel better about your own inabilities.

Alicai smild and wavved as we went indoors but no then she screamed

Cherry: I’d be screamin’ too if I had to put up with this.

"LOOK OUT ITS FUCKiNG COPS" when suddenly the police came.

Asahi: Officers, if you want to earn your badges, you know who to take out.

There were two of them both with guns in their pickets just like Alicia has. When Alicia swa them she took ot her gin and ran into the building. She ran right down the halls past me and edowerd and pushed tanishashankwua out of the way as she was braidin her hare.

Cherry: Well, police raid on a school. Gonna be fun or a disaster.

Asahi: My vote on the disaster.

i luked at dem all fuouriosly.

"why do you think she's running" I questioned edowerd

Briar: “Well, she did just scream ‘cops’, and she’s on the run from the law…”

Asahi: “Ah, right. Completely justified, then.”

"I think shes going to go hide her drugs" he answered. I was glad that edowerd was here to answer all of the hard qestions for me.

Cherry: Cause knowin’ why a fugitive is runnin’ is such a hard question.

I luked deeply into his raven colured eyerises as he spoek

"stop mothafuggas it's the law" stampeded oine of the officers. Then the black guy flshed and we were assoured fo his status.

Asahi: Time to earn your keep, boys.

"what can we do for you offiser" I asked qietly

"we are investigatin the dissapeerence of chadley swan" they told me.

Cherry: There’s no disappearance. There was a funeral. Shouldn’t ya be investigating his murder?

"Chadley was a good friend of mine and he wsnted you to know that he left evurything to you Rebecca because he hated that whore bella." I nodded in assumpsion, because she was rioght.

Asahi: Justice for Bella, 2020!

Briar: I am personally insulted and disgusted. Charlie was a good man who loved his daughter dearly!

Chadley wasn't that angry when I killed him because he understud me. Charley waz why I came to live in fourks in the first palce. He was so dispointed in bella that he wanted new dawter.

Asahi: You can’t just turn your niece into your daughter just because you want to. Trust me on that.

Anyways he wouldn't be ded for long because we plan on bringin him back to luife by turning him into a vampiore!

Cherry: Without his consent? Rude!

Edowerd suddenly whispered into my feac "Lady rebecca I doth believeth that these meneth doeth noteth noeth thateth weeth hast killedeth chadlyeeth"

Briar: Because saying that in front of the cops is a great idea. No, really, keep talking. I want to see you arrested.

"OH MY FUOCKING GOID" I scramed

Asahi: Not Judah?

because he was right. I frewked OUIT! I took edwrds hand and ran at my fastest speed away rfom the cops. We had to finde a plan owt and then cover it fast, otherwise I might get in truble and have to leave fourks! I wuld have to leeve EDOWERD!

Cherry: But they don’t know you killed him?

Cherry: Ya just got to act normal and everythin’ will be—

Cherry: Ah, right. Ya don’t know what ‘normal’ means.

CHAPTRE 13: THE LECSHURE

As I rain down the hal at the quickest speed I thought baeck to my life hear in fourks. Wen I first got hear, it was chadley who introdooced me to al of his fiends and familly.

Briar: He sounds like a good uncle.

Without him bella and I wouldnt of had anything in comon. What wuld everybuddy think if they learned that I was the one who kiled chadley? Would any of them still accept me as their friend?

Asahi: Charlie was a wonderful man, they would throw you behind bars for murder.

Would edowerd love me anymore? Would I be able to hoke up with any guys I likd?

Asahi: Edward already knows you killed him. But, unless the guys are into murderers, they wouldn’t.

"Rebecca gurl wassup" asked tanishashanqua who was for my literachure clas.

Cherry: I thought you had history?

"not much gurl" I sed back. The teecher Mr. Cleerwater stated to talk about his lectur when I beagan to get bord.

"Wurks maed in dis time period were made in the modernist period. As a genrah modernism id difficult to defaine because there are no set kwalifyers that determine if sumthing is modernistic or not. Despite the lac of a koncreate definition it is stil posible to determinh if a work is modernisitic or noit.

Asahi: I feel like this is both true and not true?

Cherry: A lotta the early modernist writers addressed changin’ ideas, like ones by Darwin, Einstein and so on. It also took place after WW1, so there was a lotta disillusionment.

Cherry: I think stream-of-consciousness became a writin’ technique during the modernism period?

Cherry: All I really know though is that Virginia Woolf was a big leaguer in the modernism community.

I argu that Bernisee Boobs Her Hair

Asahi: …What?

is a piece of literashure efectedby modernism b/c of the mane caracters alienation form teen sosiety, the wurk's analisis of a formeing generashional gap, and da pushing fo social boundries in wich the mane character indules in,,,"

Briar: Look, I have no idea what’s even going on right now.

Asahi: Same.

I stooped listening to the fuicking boreing lecshure going on because I new that school was a waist of time and that we shouldbt be talking about ded people anways.

Asahi: Wrong.

Briar: Very wrong.

Briar: History is important, learning from the mistakes of the dead is important. Learning is important.

Briar: Unless you want to spend your entire adult life working on a farm or worse because you’ve not the education for anything else, and possibly being sold for the same price of a goat because your family needs the money for food since you’re inadequacies have left you without a sustainable job and your family is now starving.

Cherry: …That’s a bit insultin’ to farmers an a lot of other people. An sellin’ people’s illegal here.

Briar: Sorry. Different cultures. Different cultural norms. Farmers are great, they’re important beyond words. But, and I’m speaking for my world, not for yours, the average man doesn’t possess the same academic background and knowledge as…say…a crowmaster, or a magistrate.

Asahi: I guess it makes sense. I mean, we’re talking about a world that’s essentially still in the dark ages. Not the brightest of people.

Briar: Rude.

Besides if I had any qustions about the paste I could just ask edowerd since he was born in 190.

Cherry: Edward’s old. But he aint that old.

Asahi: 1901, to be precise. Makes him about 119 years old.

"psst tanishashanqua" I tryd to get her atention but it loked like she was to busy talking notes.

Briar: Like a good student.

Tanishadshanqua cums from a getto neyborhood in fourks were peple get robed and shot a lot. Tanshina had red scarlet hare from her head drapping down to her but wich was very pretty but nt very easy to taek caer of. But she did her hare in a getto way so it loked fuckign ugly most of the tiem.

Briar: Rude.

Cherry: I’ll have ya know, those ‘ghetto’ hair-styles ya think are so ugly are actually really, really cool an beautiful. If ya, ya know, actually take care of your hair.

Cherry: But any hairstyle looks gross if yer never washin’ it.

For sumone who alwaeys does peples hares she cant do her own very wel.

"god (judah) gurl what is it" she angrilee ansered. Shanquas god is also Judah like just me.

Asahi: Judah isn’t a God. Unless you’re making up a God. Judah’s a son of Jacob.

Asahi: If your talking about Judaism, their God is the same God that’s in Christianity and Islamism. Hence why it’s called the Abrahamic Religions. Same God, different methods of worship, and different names for Him.

Asahi: Then again, I’m no expert on religion.

"is it bad to kill someone if they are hurtin sumone you hold closse"

"hell fucking yea" she happilee exckaimed

"but why" I wonderered

"becase if the popo cetch ya then youll get your ass thrown in jhail cracka"

"oh" I realized. Mr. Cleerwater was still taking very boringlee about thinsg that just didnt apply to me.

Briar: Murder is generally frowned upon in most circumstances. I’m not going to say it’s not complicated and there are situations where killing someone is necessary, for self-protection or for justice. But—

Briar: There is no justification that would make killing Charlie okay.

",,, a metaphor for the transfomeshin that amerikan sosiety was maekin in the jaz era. Modernist valyoos and a diselusionment frum the great war evokd progresive konsepts that were new and bould, sum reseeved wel and others reseeved poorly. The conflict between Bernise and Marjoree is indikativ of clashs in sosietal norms that transishional America wuz fasing"

Asahi: As an avid reader, the way she’s bastardizing what would have been an interesting lecture annoys me.

He finaly finished and I was gladf becuse that was serioiusly the most borng piece of shit lectur I ever had to site through and reed. But now I could talk to edowerd and go find Alicia so that was good.

Cherry: Does your entire life revolve around Edward?

"Hey edowerd what are we doing about the cops" I asked

"wee doth need to destroyeth thine evidence or putteth the blameth on someone elserth" he answered grately.

Asahi: I know what you’re thinking and don’t you dare. Do not pin this on Bella!

" I wasn't too shure about this because I wanted to do gud things dep down. I thoght it was helping Alicia to kill chadley but I guess im just misunderstud.

Briar: You’re a complete idiot who thought murdering Charlie was the proper thing to do to save Alicia.

Briar: You never even tried to consider an alternative way of freeing her that wouldn’t involve bloodshed. Such as, oh, I don’t know…

Briar: Having her use her vampiric super strength to break the bars and free herself? Or having Emmett, whose unique vampire power is being physically stronger than the average vampire, break the bars and free her.

Briar: You could have even waited until Charlie fell asleep and took the keys then.

Asahi: That all requires her to think. She doesn’t know how to.

Then the bell rang and I loked up. It was bella in the hall. I tought she loked like a fucking scank with syfilis in her fishnet stalkins and slutty pink miniskirts but I gess guys jsut liek that shit or sumthing.

Cherry: Look, I may not want to see em on me, but fishnets an miniskirts are pretty damn sexy.

Anyways the poiny of this is tht I realizd something.

"edowerd. I think I found someone who can taek the blame!" I sed.

Asahi: The one thing I asked you not to do!

"Nay my lady weeth canteth doeth thateth Rebecca sheth iseth youreth cousin." Edowerd told me.

Asahi: Thank you Edward! For being a voice of reason for once!

Eh loked so fuicking hawt undur the nergy efishent lights in the hall. Loking into his eys I had a memory in my head of whn we were kids. We where on the playgrownd in Mexico and she kicked a bounch of sand in my feace and then ran to her mom and said I did it. Judah (god) shes just so fuking jewvenile.

Briar: You guys lived in Mexico?

Cherry: Uh, juvenile makes sense, considerin’ ya were kids. That’s what the word means.

Cherry: Though I can’t blame her for kickin’ sand in your face.

"So what, she was always meen to me when I first came to fourks" I retoted.

"But she used to be my friends and Jakubs" Edowerd sed. I admitt that he sotr fo had a point but then agin jabuc's friends did raep her that one time wich I liked because it gav her an atitood adjustmint.

Briar: And we’re just cementing the fact that you are a terrible person by justifying your cousins rape. Just reading that makes my stomach churn.

"Ever since she got raped she changed" I pleated to edowerd.

Asahi: Jeez, I wonder why! Could it have been the trauma of a violent attack she suffered? The result of PTSD over being raped and her own family justifying what she went through?

Now we here slowly waking down the hal to the presidents office so that I could run for the election. That was when SHE appeared! It was ROSE! And she was waking towards me at her ful potenshil.

Cherry: The true queen of the series has arrived!

"Havent you dun enuff to her already?" Asked Rosey who had cum up to su in the hal to ask us about that.

Asahi: Yes, she has. Thank you for noticing.

Rosse was stading uprite and was easily a hed taler than me. She was paler then edowerd but had beyutiful blond hare wich flowed evanesentlee in the breez. Rosey iz always gettin in my bizness and begin a whiney bitch in geenral. I tel her that she can og fuock off sumtimes but she nevr listens unlik wedowrd.

Briar: Because she isn’t a pushover who will take shit from someone like you.

Edowird loked at me and then instately he understode wat I wantd. becuz the trtuh is hat i was slowlee failing fo him and I think he was faling for me too

Cherry: You’re still saying you’re ‘slowly’ falling for each other? Girl, ya fell for each other in chapter one.

"Rossey why are doth here?" edowird inkwired for me

"Im hear to registr fro the posishin of president of the skool" she sed wiht hatrid in her voyse!

Asahi: She’s got my vote.

Briar: Mine too.

Cherry: Anythin for our queen.

"WHA TDA FUOCK" I scraemed in foury. Edowird wuld have smaked rossey but he and me are too scared of her sinse shes an assassin.

Asahi: I’m sorry, what?

Asahi: First of all, Edward wouldn’t smack Rosalie, she’s family.

Asahi: Second, when did she become an assassin—oh right. Newborn. Royce and his friends. The wedding dress. Yeah, she’s a bit of an assassin.

"do I need to remind u that I hav a lisens to kill Rebecca" rossey asked. i shut up becuz theres no way edowrid culd take rossey in a fight. Shes just way to powurful.

Cherry: Rosalie you are our queen! Ya could kill em now an no one would mind.

"im just kiddin gurl. But seriosly don't cross me bitoc" she warned before she waked ot of the presidont registashin rum. Judah (God) rosey is such a bitch. It's good though because shes a assassin and its her job to kill people and because shes a vampier she has a speshal deal with the FBI to let her murdr peple.

Briar: That’s not… how any of that works.

Briar: But you do you?

But anyways then deowred and me went and registurd for the cvampain. But then jsut as we were waking out of the rum da two poleece offisirs akosted us.

"WE SIAD STOOP MOTHAFUOGGERS" they SCRAEMD and then da officer waved his pisstul at great shot towards me an edowerd.

Asahi: Please hit. I beg you, please hit!

Suddenly rosy came and she tuk out her two guns and shout the bullet in mid aer, and pointed the gunms at da ofisers. She hade taken her sunglases off wich ment dat she ment serious bizness noaw.

"bitch plz ill fuck u both up" she sed smoothlee.

Cherry: I believe ya. But why are ya shooting at the cops? Shouldn’t ya be shooting Rebecca?

Den she shot one of the ofisers in her brest and she scramed "OWWWW" she screamed loudlee. "get out of here you wil onlee get in da way" she sed angrilee to us. If she wusnt heplign us rite now I wuld smaeck her for bein such a biotch but dat wasnt the situashin rite no w so I culdnt.

Briar: Please. You smack her and you lose your hand.

Asahi: I want her to do that because I want her to lose her hand.

Meenwile Edowerd and mee ran az fast az i culd, huryeing. We onlee had dis one chans to frame bella for chadleys deth and THIS WAS IT!

Asahi: Damn it all!

chaptwer 15 - edowerds chois

Edowerd and me ran duwn the hals of the skool trying not to get hti by the bulets from roses two guns.

Briar: Wait, now Rosalie is shooting them?

"EVERYBDOY HIT THE FUCKIng DEK" Mr cleerwater screemed at the tiop of his vice. A bunch of the students weer runnin and jumin and trying to not gethuit by the bulets flyinhg evreywere.

Cherry: Understandable. I’d be freakin’ out if someone shot up my school.

Mike nuton who had survivd earlyer becuz he had an emergencee braen transfushin got shot in his you no wat and was ded for real.

Asahi: …Okay?

Asahi: I feel bad for the guy, but… we already thought he was dead so there’s really no impact.

I felt bad for the ofisers becuz they weree going to di e today and there waz nothung they culd do to kil rose becaus she was a vampier who wurked for the govermint. I guess thats how the Collinss have alwas manajed to stasy hiden.

Briar: It’s not because of all the hard work and care they put into not being found out, no, it couldn’t be that.

Suddenly the hole skool was bein invaded by police men. They were jumpin trhough the windoes of the skoll and were sprayin the pace with t here buillets. One of them jumped out in front of me and loked scray.

Asahi: Is this kind of excessive violence normal in American schools?

Cherry: Yes an no.

"CUM WITH US OR WELL KIL YOU" a man scramed at me. I was gonna complie with what he waented but then he tuched me. I wuz going to be scraed but i dont taek that shitr from no one not evne edowird so I got out my anti-raep knife and stabed hi times with it in the nek [AN: SEE REBECKA IS SMART SHE WENTT FORn THE ONLYU SPOIT WERE THE HELKEMT WASNT IN THRE WAY] an dhis neck stated to sprasy bloud everywere.

Asahi: I’ll admit, going for that is a smart spot to aim, smarter than I thought she was.

Asahi: But stabbing isn’t smart at all.

Cherry: Congrats. You are now a cop-killer. Not a good thing.

"MI LADY DOTH THINKETH THATETH WE SHOULDETH GETETH TO BELLAETH" edowurd caresed. Suddenly a coip cum and shoit edowerd in the ches tiems in the cheast. I fel to the grund unce i saw this because edowerd is the luv of my life. I cruied ebanesent teers of sorrow and the teer drops feel onto his chest.

Briar: Uh… vampire? Immortal? Ringing a bell?

"Rebeca, doth shall not falleth in loveth witheth me" he sed sexily to me. Then i realsed i had nothing to worree about because edowurd was a vampier which means he cant die.

Briar: You’re idiocy is honestly astounding.

Then my evanednt teers becaem teers of joi wich brawt edowerd back fro m his slumber. I relized that he was my solmate in leif.

Cherry: Urgh.

Cherry: I hate soulmate tropes.

"GOD FUICKING DAMMIT EDOWERD DONT YOU DEI ON ME AGAIN" i screamd at him. How daer he maek me care abut him when he wasnt really dyeing!

Asahi: “How dare he make me think he’s dying when he got shot!”

But there wasnt tiem to get angree becuz the soldurs were stil cuming and shooting all thruout the halls. Edowerd pucked me up with amasing hotness and sped and doodged all of teh bulits and caried me to safetee in the bathrum were i fought angela to a draw earlyr.

Briar: Well, that’s a load of horseshit.

Briar: You didn’t “Fight” her. You hid in the stalls and crawled on the floors until Edward came in.

And then we saw or objektiv: BELA. She was jsut gettin owt of the stal and writing in her emoshinal dairy wen edowerd and i tackled her. I was hapy becase bella is an anti enviyormentalst hu has had this cuming to her for a loung tiem.

Asahi: Justice. For. Bella!

She wuz probably doin drugz in the stal enyways [AN: KIDS DONT DO DROUGS THEY AER BAD FOR U].

Cherry: I hate when I have ta agree with her.

"WHAT THE FUICK ARE U GUYS DOIN" she scramed at the toip of her lungs. I smaeked that skanc in his feace and then edowerd tyed her up with sum rope.

Briar: I hope that our generous host allows us to visit these worlds of fanfiction at some point.

Briar: I do wish to show Rebecca what justice looks like.

"Rebecca milady i doeth noteth thinketh thateth weeth shouldeth doth beeth doingeth thiseth" he woredlee exsclaimd. I tuk a step baeck and loked at the situashin. Bella was tyed up in rope in one of the stals and edowerd and me were abut to leav her.

"Edowerd if i dont do this then theyll find out it was me who kiled chadley" I pleded.

"fuck you!" bella scraemed at me.

Asahi: A completely justifiable reaction.

"excuse me emo bitch who da fuck ased U!?" i was so close to taking out my antiraep nife and just stabing tha t mothafuocking bitch but then i remembred that kiling is onlee okay to saev peopul and that if i wuz gonna folow judah then i hav to sav thigns like the enviyorment

Cherry: Aaaah she pisses me off so much!

"FIRST YOU KIK ME OWT OF THE HOSE THEN YoU KIL CHADLEY WHAT THE FUICK DO YOU WAENT FROM ME" she wuz crying now. her teers wer driping down her feace and making al of her emo maekup cum off. I laffed becuz she wuz being so fcking whinny and was crying and so did edowerd.

Briar: Bella, your cousin is a sociopath… or is it a psychopath?

Briar: It doesn’t matter which. Your cousin is extremely fucked up in the head and you deserve so much better.

Anywaes wile she wuz cryin we toke one of my anti raep nifes (i always have spaers) and put it in bellas fuoking uglee flanell coat pokit. Wit this evidunce on her theres no way i culd be cot for my criem.

Asahi: Reading this is so painful.

"edowerd MAEK HER STOP OR ILL SAY YOU RAEPED ME" she finaly screemed in despuration.

"NO EDOWERD IF U STOP ME ILL SAY U RAEPED ME AND DEN STAB U WITH MY ANTI RAPE NIFE" i screemed ever loudlier. It tuk a moment for edowerd to undrstaen the situashin he wuz in.

Cherry: Edward should just walk away and leave the both of them.

"Bella I doeth not doth luveth thee hancefourth andeth becuzeth ofeth this i henceforth shall helpeth milady rebecca" he sumblee staetd.

BUT IT WAS TO LAET BECUZ THEN THE VAMPIER ANGELA APEARD AGIN IN THE BATHROMO!

Asahi: Angela to the rescue!

Asahi: Save Bella, I am begging you!

AN: Pepol wer beign nice

*Applauds loudly* My dear, this is BRILLIANT! Simply BRILLIANT! Such fresh, funny style! Such wonderful cohesion between references to other trollfics and your own unique elements! And the Bella-bashing-GENIUS! You have clearly done your research! Thank you so much for this fic, which has brought joy and laughter into the heart of many a weary snarker.

Sincerely,

Anya the Purple

Briar: I see we’ve a traitor in our midst.

Cherry: I think Anya was being very nice about callin’ it a trollfic.

yeha i dunt no y but pepul cal me a trol wich is wrong cuz im a human and i dunt liv enderneth a bridge and aske peuple ridels but whatever its nice i gess

Asahi: Your clearly not that intelligent. But we knew this already.

but then i got sum haters so fuock u guys

LightningHunter 10/2/12 . chapter 1

Ya know even my 8 year old cousin can spell better than you.

Asahi: I’m pretty sure I can write better English than her. An I only know English when I’m here. That’s saying something.

Let me say oneeee more thing ...

YOU SUCK !

NO YOU SUCK U JSUT CANT UNDERSTAND THE CIMPLIKATD WOURLD TAT REBECA LIVS IN AD HER FLITE FROM FOURKS U JUST DOTN GET TI

Briar: You’ve literally given us no reason to like or sympathize with Rebecca. She’s an abusive, controlling, manipulative fiend who resorts to excessive violence when she sees something she doesn’t like.

Briar: She’s not a likable character at all, and the spelling just makes everything worse.

chapter 16 Angela vs Rebeca

OH NO it was the vampior ANGELA who had kiled all fo bellas fiends erlier.

Asahi: I wouldn’t be surprised at this point if she did it because she was a yandere for Bella. I honestly want it to be for that reason.

She waked sexilee beack in forth wearing only a whait thoing and skarlit fishnet stolkings and a goldin bikeenee top and purpul six inhc hi heels. I no it sunds wierd but trust me she wuz pulin them of.

Cherry: You’re right.

Cherry: It sounds super weird.

"OHG FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK" bella scramed at the toop of her lungs. But it hd no efect becuz outsied the gunfite wuz stil going on and insied we were so no sound bullits becuz gun cant sownd

Briar: No sound because bullets can’t sound…?

Asahi: Clearly someone has never heard a gun go off.

"I AM HEER TO FINIS HWHAT I STATED A LOUNG TIEM AGO" the vamprior angel screemed!

"O NO U DONT BIOTCH I NEDE HER TO NOT GO TO JALE" I screemed baeck.

Cherry: I’m hoping that what she is referring to is to finish the last bathroom scene with Rebecca.

Cherry: I’m with you on the yandere theory, Asahi.

Asahi: At this point, it’s the only thing I will accept from this story.

I tuk my sekond anti raep nife our fo my pockit and poyntid it at the biotch. Angela was instately assoured of my potenshil and tuk out a thre yard long samurai sorde.

Briar: Knife versus sword. The knife-user could win if they’re good. But Angela is a vampire. Super-human reflexes and strength, and the advantage of length for the sword.

Briar: Logically, there is no way that Rebecca should win.

Asahi: Since when has this story followed logic?

Briar: Fair point.

"no no no no no no no FUCK YOU YO MOTHWERFUOCKER" I sreemed agin but agin it dindt hav any afect on the situashin. "EDOWIRD HLEP ME" but it wuz no use he wasnt in the batroom with mee.

Cherry: When’d he leave?

Cherry: I mean, I ain’t complaining, we even said he ought to just leave. I just woulda liked to know he had left.

"JUDAG FUOCKING DAMMIT I HAET ALL OF U BIOTCHEZ!" The vampiore angela was goign to kil me! "NO GETBELLA SHES TYED UP" Angla tuk anther step to me and sudenly a GUNSHOUT WERNT OFF!

"yo homie wats up" tanishashanqua sed. IT WAS ALICIA AND TANISHASHANKWA DEY WEER HEER TO RESCU ME!

Briar: Why would you rescue her and not Bella, the clear victim here.

"Yo you on my turf fuckor best be gettin off it" alicia wanred. Alicai had here pistul frum the other day in her haend adn had usde it to atack agela!

"btch plz shes maine" angela sed and then luged at bella. I wuz so glad dat she wusnt after me al along!

Asahi: No, no, she didn’t say Bella died. This could still be Angela rescuing her.

hen alicia caem up to me and sed "we have to staek her in the hart to kil her" she sed and then gaev me a shotgun "but dont use it yet kep it for later". I noded my hed in awarnes.

Asahi: Specifically, you should shoot it when the barrel is pointed at yourself for the optimal effect.

"ill fcuking kill u you motharfucker!" and wit that alicia shot angela in the faec four tiemes but onlee got 2 hits becuz she was gonong so fsat but tashinaquasha bit angela in the hand and then angela pushed hr in the face! But then kasper apperd and klawed angelas face with his womins nales and den angela stopped

Briar: I would be happy to never see Jasper in this story again. Just to stop with the anti-trans remarks.

Cherry: How is it two vamps an two humans can’t take down one, presumably newborn, vamp?

"I WILL BE BAECK LATEr" she scremed and then gav me the Katana "YOU MUST KIL BELA WHEN THE TIEM COMES" she scremed and then disappeared.

Asahi: Oh come on!

Asahi: Angela! I believed in you!

Edowerd cum and then we huged together in frunt of evereeoen. Dis maed me crai becuz we were taking our relashonship to a new levul. Except dat i felt his thingee when we toched and then i broke up and i smaked him for being a PERVURT!

Asahi: This hurts me.

Cherry: This hurts everyone.

"yo moon why is bella tyed up" alicai and kaspor asked.

"becuz we need her to go to jale insted fo me" i sed hapilee

"u caent do that" caspor sed.

Asahi: Thank you, Jasper!

Then i stabed him with my new ANTI RAEP CATANAA in leg becuz even tho he thinks hes a women hes jsut a confuzed maen and hes stil in the girls rum

Briar: Wait, I’m confused now. Is Jasper a transwoman or a transman in this?

"U FUOCKING RAPER SPOT TRYIGN TO SEX ME WITH UR EYS" I stabed. Kaspor went nuts tho and then tried to byet me but pedowerd stoiped him ad then he ran of.

Briar: Why is Rebecca not in prison for assault yet? A man just looks at her and she stabs him.

Asahi: Because the author believes she can do no wrong.

Then alicia told me dat i culdnt fraem bella for chadleys deth becuz she had an abili so we were back to skware 1.

Asahi: Thank you Alicia! Thank you.

AN: okay so im getin som h8trs

Cherry: Shocker.

Flawless Obsession 10/8/12 . chapter 8

Out of all this story that I had the displeasure of reading, this is the only thing I understood.

Go on then and show how immature you are.

but u no wat im gona ruse abuv it liek jesus crist wuld want me 2. u r a fuker and i caent chaneg dat but i can kepe doign wat im doign regadeless of the critcizm becuz to b a grate riter u hav to folo ur dreemsd and ur hart wich i am soing.

Asahi: To be a great writer, you also need a solid comprehension of spelling, grammar, and basic storytelling.

Asahi: You have none of that.

Cherry: I can honestly see why her editor dipped out.

chapter 17 - edowerd betrays

Cherry: Hooray! Good for him.

"Wait moon before you go"

Briar: And you still call her ‘Moon’, I see.

alicia approched me wit determinashin in her eies. She we wearing her usual drug dealor uniformn and had matching redd earings. She had died her hare paink with purpol hilites andit was weet from the intens battel we had hade earlier.

Briar: That fight was supposed to be intense?

Briar: I’ve seen kids play-fighting with more intensity.

"What is it alicai" i pated her heed becuz it luked liek she was having a rouff day. [AN: SEE REBEKA HAS EMPATHEE SHES NOT A SYKOPATH]

Asahi: Well, that’s just a lie.

Cherry: Most of the time, Rebecca can’t even be bothered to consider anyone but herself.

"I need you to help me with sumthing" she sed with anger in her face.

"What is it" i questined expektently wile trying to find my voyce in my throet.

"Well i kno why all of the cops are invadin the scool and kiling people" she sed...

Asahi: Does it have anything to do with one of their men being murdered and you, a convicted druglord, busting out of jail?

Cherry: Or all the murders an assaults?

"Wait why" i asked inkwizatively.

"I was in the kemistry rum and was trying to make a new super droug for my biznes when i acidently mixed the drug with a buncha blud sampels i found in mr Chocoluvs ofiss" she sed. I saw a singul teer drop folowed by two more teer drops fal down her face and hut the florwich both caem from her eies.

Briar: Huh, the bloodsamples are actually going to play a part?

Briar: Color me surprised.

"so what" i sed. We hade more pressing maeters to atttend to like the dedly virus spredin!

Asahi: I’m sorry, the what spreading?!

"It mutated into a virus becuz of the vamprie blud. the birus will kils anyone who breethes it in and then whoever breethed it wil die if they arent a vampier" Juda damit this fuocking shit is why alicia doesnt have any friends that arent me and edowerd and caspor and jemmet and rosalee and tanishashashankwa.

Cherry: Sounds like she’s got plenty of friends.

Cherry: Also, that virus is a pretty big deal!

"wen did u do this" edowerd asked

"earlyr today" alicai asnwered. "i ran off to chek on the sampuls when i fiorst saw hte cops this mourning". Then she left the bathromo just liek she caem earlyr.

"uh oh" i sed. This culd be a probelm for the rest of the skool. "wil i be safe?" i asked questionately.

Briar: Of course not.

"yes milady" edowerd replierd. "doth loveth and salieva frum hence my moutheth wil power thee to lifeth." Edowerd sed sexily. I wuznt luking right at him but i culd see his sexy reflekshin in the bathrum miror.

Asahi: I can’t say anything about that because Twilight vampires have reflections.

We wer al alone in the bathrum so i finaly pooped the qustion to my lover.

"hey edowerd wanna sex" i asked lovnglee.

Cherry: Hey, we were right. The ‘no sex before marriage’ didn’t hold up.

"yes milday i doth think it wuld be plesureable" he sed.

"WELL TO BAD ITS A TARP! I DUNT BELIVE IN SEX BEFOR MARIAGE AND YOU FALLED THE TEST" I scremed and began to crie.

Asahi: Wow.

Asahi: She is a terrible girlfriend.

Cherry: That’s just… you asked him a question, wanting something don’t mean the same as actually doin’ it.

Edowrd had betrayd me and now i was al alone in the wurld.

Briar: Exaggeration. That’s not a betrayal.

Briar: Now, Edward breaking your trust by revealing some very damaging information about you to some people who immediately use it to ruin your chances of the high-class position you had been set to take, all for some superficial thing in return, forcing you to live in squalor for a period of time and eventually finding a high-stress very dangerous job where you’re underappreciated despite how important you are, all the while he takes the job you had originally been set to have. Now that’s a betrayal.

Asahi: Uh… speaking from experience?

Briar: Hypothetical.

Asahi: ...Okay?

I ran owt of the bathrom betrayd by edowerd and jsut ran down the hals. I ran rely fast and then began to smel the viris that alicaia had ben talking abut.

Cherry: If we’re lucky, you’ll die.

I shreemly luked down the hals at all the ded boodies. All of the coips were ded on the grund. I herd a really disgustin noiz cuming from down the hal. I tuk out my shotgun htat alicia had given me earlyer and slowlee creepedd up on them. I GASPOED when i saw who it was!

Briar: Well that cliffhanger could have been better.

Asahi: A lot of this story could have been better.

chapter 18 - rebeca vs Hames

Cherry: Hames?

Cherry: Ah, fuck.

Cherry: James.

It was the two vampiors from the cleering earlyrs the other day! Except for the gai who i kiled with the rock!

Asahi: At least you remembered you killed one.

Asahi: With a rock.

"I THOGUHT I TOLD U TO FUCK OFF" I voyced at them. Then they got up from the blud on teh grund.

"bitch plez im a teachor now" sed the guy in the leathur bicker jackit.

Briar: He teaching history? Tracking?

Cherry: I’d be fine with him teachin’ either.

He luked realy evil unlike edowerd and me.

Asahi: You’re the evilest one here.

His hare was even moar black then before and drapped down to his feete. Hiz faec was covered in fucking uglee peersings wich maed him luk like a transvestite.

Briar: Ah yes. Transphobia. Such a brave thing to explore.

To his side was his ladee, the biotch with the minijeen skurt so teeny dat you culd see her you-no-what exsept not anymore becuz she was wearin flor length jeens so loung that you culdnt see her shoes anymore. She hade a wors dres sens than bella wich i didnt thuink was posibul.

Cherry: An your style is any better?

"wich meens we can disciplin u now for kiling our leeder you runt" the biotch sed. She tuk owt a mikerofone from her purse and he tuk out a gitar from his back and they both ekwipped their wepins and began to use them atme!

Cherry: Wait… this a rock battle now?

Asahi: They’re a band of rockers. Oddly not surprising.

"DO YOU NO WHO I AM" I SCREEMED AT THEM.

Briar: An abusive, manipulative, psychotic fiend.

I tuk out my Catana and my shotgun to show them that I was a stroing independant womin! But it didnt stop them so i screemed for hlep!

Asahi: What happened to you being a “Strong, independent woman”?

Cherry: At least try before ya start screamin’ for help!

"EDOWERD" I stated but then i remebered that i was done with taht trayter's bulshitt so i scredmed for sumone else "KASPOR! REMMET! ANYONEEE!" but it hade no afect so i ran down the hal paste mr cleerwater.

Briar: She had a gun and a sword, she could have at least stood her ground.

Asahi: She’s a fake, what do you expect?

"stop this is a violashin of skool rules you despicabul dunce" mr cleerwaetr he sed to me but it was to late becuz Hammes and Vitorio kiled him with theyre bad muzik [AN: ROUCK IS STUPID AND REBECA DOEZNT LISEN TO IT]

Cherry: Well fuck you!

and by hiting him with their gitars and pursus. I new he was ded becuz then they beheded him and then ate the hed! Hten they kept cuming for ME!

Briar: Eating the head seems excessive. But who am I to judge.

"WE ARE GOIGN TO AVENJE FORAUNT" Vitorio methodiculy wispurd in my direkshin. We had run trhough the siense wing of the skool and were now in the halth wing. [AN: furks high is atachde to the hospitul]

Briar: Is that—

Asahi: I don’t think any school is attached to the hospital.

Cherry: But it explains how Bella got released back to class so quickly.

"ill sav u rebekka!" it was JACUB who had an AX!

Asahi: Why not turn into your wolf form? That’d be more effective than an axe.

He was shitless and stading in the hal with an axe and his musculor bild and tan skin maed me horny rite then an there. He had hade a harecut and now he luke d like a cros between Brad Pity and Chanin Taytim and Zaeck F-Ron and Nail Patrik Harrus (eksept withut him beign gau) Exsept jakub is a native indien.

Cherry: We get it. He’s sexy.

"WYH ARE U DOIGN THIS" Jakub axd [AN: Hahaha GET TI!?].

Briar: It’s a bad pun.

"ITS BECUZ I LOVE REBECA" Hamees sed! Jakub and me and Citoria all GASPED!

Asahi: Excuse me?

Asahi: No. Nope. Get that crap out of here!

Asahi: We’re not doing this stupid love triad today. No we are not.

Sudenly everyting in the wurld stoped and the spotlite was on Hames who had jsut professored his undieign luv to me.

"Yes its true even tho i use u for sex Clitoria i dunt realy loev you" he sed.

Cherry: One; rude of ya to use someone just for sex.

Cherry: Second; what the fuck? Clitoria? That’s just insultin!

But he saw stil runign toewerds me so i had to housely dodj the atack. Then he got on 1 foot and stated to plau his gitar at me. He stated singing Im a B by the Blaeck I Ps which I haet becuz onlee loisers listen 2 mainstreem muzic.

Cherry: I hate when they bring music into this!

Wile he waz serenating me Jakub choped of his arm with hs ax and then Games ran away likea bithc. Jakub was sweeting and painting and he piked me up with his arms and tuk me away from the sene. It was so hot liek out of a bluckbuster movee.

Asahi: Lame.

Asahi: Very lame.

"I am going to taek you to owr leeder Rebeca" he sed. I didnt liek his rurry fiends but i wuld deel with it becuz i wuznt in a situashin to argeu at the moment.

"who is ur leeder" i asked as he carryd me paste all of the karnage.

"luk for yourself" he sed and then I saw who it was. I gawsped! IT WAS...

Cherry: Sam Uley. The leader of the pack is Sam Uley. At least until Jacob splits and makes a different pack.

chapter 19 - The wearwolvs

"Look for yourself" he sed and then I saw who it was. I gawsped! IT WAS... LEYA CLEERWATER!

Briar: I mean, I’m not against her being the alpha.

Briar: But, why?

Leya was stading dere with her platinom hare with yellow hilites swiging back and forth in the wiund. She hade a lether halter top on with a mathing corset and skurt. She had a batleax ekwiped in her belt and she luked like a pierit in her owtfit wich was awsum becuz piraets are cool.

Cherry: Damnit! I hate when I gotta agree with her!

To leas left was her bruther seth cleerwater

Briar: Ah, right. The one who raped Bella in this.

and to her right was her cuzin samiel gangee. They both luked like indiens with there shurts off.

Asahi: They look like Native American’s because they are.

I rememred seth frum the day that he raeped bella. It was a sad storee actuoally for bella but mostlee for seth. You see indian wearwolfs do this thing caled imprisoning were they imprison on some1 and then luv them forever. Its so romaentic.

Briar: No, it’s not romantic, it’s called kidnapping. It’s illegal. The fact that you find it romantic is actually pretty messed up.

Briar: And it doesn’t justify what Seth did to Bella at all.

Enywayz I lerned frum Clemmet that seth imprisond on him and tha they were GAY for each oher [AN: REBECA DOEZNT H8 GAYZ CUZ GAIS ARE HOTTT THOGETHER ONLEE TRANSECUALS ARENT THEY DUNT NO WAT THEY R]! (rosey was okay with dis becuz she thinks guy on gui is hawt)

Briar: Hrm. This makes me want to be very violent.

Asahi: Agreed.

But Seth didnt waent to be gay so he tryed to repreve his innur demions. First he went to Carliel the collins father who is also a priest to get an exsorsism but it dindt wurk.

Cherry: So Carlisle went from doctor to priest. Odd career change.

So he rapped dat fucking whore bella in frustrishin to be normal. But he was such a biotch it didnt wurk and he cryed the entier tiem.

Asahi: Doesn’t justify what he did to Bella.

But it didnt wurk and then he went all emo becuz if he was gay then he culdnt b a wearwolv anymore. Jemmet culdnt b with him becuz of the wearwolv thuing. Now thungs are bettr becuz seht jsut rejects that part of himsefl.

Cherry: You reject the gay part of you or the werewolf part? Cause you can’t do that for either.

"JACOBO" Lea scremed angrilee waving her battleax baeck and forth

"WAT" he scremed back waving hsi own ax back and forth

Briar: You’re werewolves, not angry lumberjacks.

"Why hav u brught her here to owr secret base" she askd pointing at ME! I was too shiocked to speek!

"she is on our side now" he sed. I luked dreemily into his face as he spoke. His wolfy sent was makin me so fuocking horny waaaay hornieer than edowerds ever did. I dont no why i even bothered with that stupifd hore of a man becuz he was always staking bella before i caem here enyways.

Asahi: I have a solution for all of this! Rebecca can be with Jacob, that way Jacob can stop being an obsessive creep over Bella. And then Bella and Edward can be together like they are supposed to be.

"She can help us defete the evil overlorde!"

"You meen..." I sed and then pauzd and covered my mouth with my hand and then my otha hand... he wuz talking about the onlee person wrose than bella in fourks... "U meen ESME!?" I scremed?

Cherry: I honestly forgot she was even in this story. She got one mention and nothin’.

Cherry: But now she’s an evil overlord? Respect.

"YES! HER!" he sed puting me down gentlee on teh grund. "she is the master of the collins... and the onlee thing stoping us frum being normal!" he sed ultimatly into my faec.

Briar: Isn’t it cause there are vampires in your location in general?

We maed eye contect and i instately new that we had waaaay more kemistree than that fuocker edowird and me did.

Asahi: Then take my advice!

"but waite how are u immune to the virus" i askd assurdly to all 4 of them. Leya was the onlee 1 to steep forwerd to ansur my qwestion.

Cherry: Why are you immune?

"we have super strength" she sed vicariusly.

"oh ok" I sed assurd.

Briar: That… doesn’t explain your immunity.

"so rebecca will u hlep us to defeet the collins" seth sed sadlee. Then I remembered that kiling all of the collins wuld meen dat demmet the luv of saths lief wuld aslo dye. He wuz being braevr then any1 i no by folowing his clan insted of his hart. I new then dat I HADE to do this 4 seth and semmet.

Cherry: I see you’re quick to murder Edwards family.

Cherry: Who’s the true traitor here?

"but wait how can I help" I askd.

"there are secret polise at this skool who want to stop us wearwolfs. Sum of the collins work for all fo them. Agenla used to be a part of there fors but then she defeeted. If we defeet esme then rosalees spuy netwurk will HAVE to shut down!

Briar: Or the assassin and very capable woman that Rosalie is will kill all of you without any effort.

Briar: Ah but that’s just poppycock.

And U can get baeck to edowerd and truck him into letting u into there hose!" Lea scremmed!

But waite! i didnt waent ALL of the collins to dye! Onlee that fucking biotch esme!

Asahi: Look, listen, if you let one of them live, that’s one person who will likely seek out revenge against you. You have to kill them all.

Briar: I have to agree with him.

Cherry: Nip it in the bud before the circle of revenge can start.

"lets not kil all of them" I bargind.

"yes ur rite we will onle kil esme and rosaless if she gets in the way. Jacob go with her to compleet the misshin im trusting u" Leya sed.

AN: I got moar h8ers. h8ers goign 2 h8 is all ill say EKSEPT FOR U:

Cherry: Ya only open yourself up to the hate.

Radiant As You 10/15/12 . chapter 18

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS UGLY, DISGUSTING, STUPID PIECE OF SHIT?!

NO FOUCK U! UR THE DISGUSTIN STUPID PECE OF SHIT!

Asahi: Actually, no, that’s you, Author-person.

chapter 20 the virus resistense

Jakuv and me wer runing bak down the hal thru the siense wung of the scool to find a way owt. All fo the dors wer lockd by polisemen who wer locking down the scool becuz of the virus.

Asahi: Completely understandable. Don’t want it to spread.

i wuz abut to braek thru to the outsied with my catana wen al of a suden jacubu stoped me.

"dont do that rebeca they al cleerlee hav guns" he sed. He hade groped me arm to stiop me and noraly i wuld stop him but he wuz so fucking sexxxxy in the briught sunlite that i didnt minde tha t he diddnt do wat i waented.

Cherry: There’s the root of your problem. If someone does what you don’t want them to, you stab em.

"i can taek them" i told him.

"no we hav to try and sav as meny pepul as possibul" he told me. He wuznt liek ediwerd at all. He wuz waaay smarter and wuz aslo tryign to sav as meny pepul as possibul.

Asahi: That mean’s he’s nothing like you, who only looks out for yourself.

I new den dat it wuld hurt to evar be neer deowerd agin becuz he wuz such a biotch cumpeard to jakub.

Briar: And look at who made him that way.

We raen down teh hals sum moer. Jakub was sweeting sexily and riped the leggs of hsi paints offf. So basikalee he wuz runing with shorts on and he luked liek a boodybilder. Meenwile my purpul raben hare wit royul goldin streeks wuz sexilee floewign in the wend as i ran.

Briar: You love brining up your hair blowing in the wind, don’t you?

Asahi: We should consider getting a counter for that.

i tuk of my shirt as i ran becuz it wuz coverd in goer and al i had on wuz my reed sportz brah. My boebs wer jigling baeck and forth as i raen but not dat much so wtf u thinkign reedor.

Cherry: Yer the one who took off her shirt and brought up her boobs jigglin’. In all honestly what the fuck is up with you, writer?

Then as we came to alicia and tanishashanqua who wer stading outsied the scool labratoree in the halways.

"yo my homie wassup" tashinaquansha asked. we stoped to se wat alicai and tanisha wer dogin.

Asahi: So far Tanishashanqua is the only one I legit like. Probably because we see so little of her.

"why are you all stil in the building" jakub askd inquistionalee. I steped behinde him to get a luk at his sexy endien wearwolg ass.

"we r trying to stop the virus by creeting an antydoote" alicai asnwered. She had a darkk red lab cioat on wich mathced her blud red dyed hare.

Cherry: Lab coats make people more attractive.

"yea were goign to fend a solushin to this problem maerk my wurds" tanishashanqua also sed as she steped owt of the lab and itno the hal with alicai jakub and me.

Asahi: You’re trying to fix the problem you started, I am impressed.

She didnt haev a lab coate on but she did haev nerdi glases to hlep her see her experimints. Her hare luked normel for onse wich was nise becuz normaelee it dusnt.

"tanishashanqua! How r you saef?" i aksed!

"i can anser dat mothafuocker" i herd a voyce and it wuznt anyone who i had seen resentlee... it was MR. CHOKOLOVE! (mr coholove is tanishashanquas fathor).

Briar: Oh, no. What a twist.

"ive given tasniahshanqua immunitee" he sed. "i am wurkign wit the fbi to distrbiute a cuer to the redst of the scool" he expeled.

Asahi: So you just happened to have already whipped up an antidote to give to your daughter for a virus that Alicia just made this morning?

Asahi: Kind of suspicious, if you ask me.

"thats why the coips stoped invadin" alicai cuntinued. "so loung as an antidute is posibul theyl wate for us to finis befoer dey try to kil us al."

"how can we hlep" kacub ased. I thught jacub was a retard for not doin the mishin but then i realizd dat he wantd to find a way out without hurtign othars.

Cherry: Wow, harsh words from someone with the IQ of a squirrel.

"we nede u to goa nd taek this anteedote and get it to the principul!" alicia sed.

"okay i wil do it" jacub sed!

"NO NOT YOU" alicai intruded! "REBECA IS THE ONLEE ONE WHO CAN DO THIS" she sed!

Briar: If this doesn’t turn out to be an elaborate trap to get Rebecca killed, I will be quite upset.

Asahi: We all will be.

Cherry: I’ll throw my skateboard at the screen.

Then she gaev me the vyle conteining the cuer to the virus! "wen u get it to the prinsipul rebeca u wil haev to injekt the vyle into the air sistem of the scool!"

Cherry: Wait, why would that be in the principle? Why not in a room?

Asahi: Logic. This story is allergic to it.

"oh ok sure bye the way do you no were edowerd is" i inturestinglee qweshtined to the 3.

"wat dost thou want tavern wench?" edowerd sed to me costily as he came.

Briar: Now, now, no need for harsh words.

Briar: The tavern girls are much more respectable than Rebecca.

I wantd to maek edowerd feel bad so i began to cry faek teers. He thught that the teers wer becuz of my undyeing regriet but it wuz actuly becuz i realy hated to se that stoopid fuickers faece. I mean juda fucking dammit i shuld hav just choped of his you-no-wat when i wuz baeck in da boys lockor rum.

Asahi: Why does anyone find her attractive? She is the most unpleasant person I’ve ever read about!

Asahi: Edward you can do so much better!

"You wild motha fucker edowerd appearin! Yo cauzin hela drama n shit nigga" chocoluv angrilee sed waving his vyles around!

"Edowerd" i stated as i wuz faek crying "I wanted ot say that im soree for screeming at you earlyer but ur jsut so meen!" i lyed unanimusly.

Briar: You accused him of being a traitor because he admitted he’d like to have sex with you, his girlfriend.

Briar: You’re in no way mentally sound.

I kept crying and den everyune in the rum got supa pised at edowud. Jacob luked liek he wuz abut to chop of edowerds hed with his ax. Edowerd luked relly sad and den he sied and fround.

Cherry: An everyone is takin her side?

Cherry: Wait, I shouldn’t even be surprised.

"watever i forgive you" i sed. Then he luked hapy and edowerd jacub and me al went to the prinsipuls offise so that we culd finaly get out of the fuckign scool.

Asahi: What happened to “Rebecca is the only one who can do this!”?

Asahi: Ah, right, pointless love triangle.

Chapter 21 – vs prinsipul

Briar: I guess we know who’s dying this chapter.

The run to the prinsipals ofise was very diffcult. We had to run over seven bodys every tiem we turned down the hals. Edowerd wuz glarring at jakub the entier tiem probably becuz jacub haz super fucking hot abes and edowerd was jellus liek the major fuocking biotch that he is.

Cherry: I swear, if Rebecca actually gets back together with Edward after treatin him like this, Imma be so angry.

Briar: At this point, there’s nothing she can do in this story that won’t anger us further.

But that doesnt mater becuz we wer at the prinsipuls rum and then we prepard to saev the scool. Edowird unshowd his nails and jakub got his ax ready and i tuk out my shotgun and catana.

Asahi: I’ve to respect her for being able to wield a two-handed sword and a shotgun at once.

We entered the dur and then we saw the rum. The prinsipul wuz behind his desk starting evilly at things. He was baled and luked older then my dade. He hade a big red butin on hsi desk wich i culd tel was maed out of maypull trees. Wen he saw us he got up and loked rally scrary!

"WHAT THE FUOCK DO YOU FUOCKERS WANT!?" he scremed luodlee!

Cherry: I assume that when ya scream, it’s loud.

"we are heer to put an end to this madnes" i scremed. I poynted my shoutgun at the biotch and then shooted the gun at him! He fel ovar blooding everwer on the flur.

Briar: Why did you kill the principle? You literally had no reason to!

Asahi: And here I thought her murdering Charlie was the most pointless of her violence, this takes the cake. Guy just stood up and yelled and he gets killed.

"is he doth dedeth?" inkwiyured edowerd

"NO OF COURS NOT!" Prinsipul scremed amasignlee! He got up frum the grund and then got back in his chare!

Asahi: I stand corrected. Guy is able to tank a shotgun shot from close range. Impressive.

"but how are you not ded!?" ased jacobo!

"I AM A VAMPIOR SLAYOR YOU PATETIC DUNSES"

Cherry: That… doesn’t explain how ya tanked a shotgun blast.

and then the prinsipul tuk out a steak and a jar of holee water! Then he juped the desk and begin to try and staek edowrd in the faec. He wuz realy fast! If i wuznt expeerynced in combat frum al of the violinse today i wuldnt hav ben abul to folow him but i did anyways!

Briar: Because it only takes one day of violence to be a pro fighter. Never mind the months or years of training that you’d need.

I atakcd him four tiems with my sord but he demoted the atac every tiem! He made a big circul with his body and centerd the atack on edowerd! But lukilee Jakub used his ax with grate atack at the prinsipul and hit the prinsipul off edowird.

Asahi: I’m trying to follow this, but the mental image I get is just them moving about like idiots.

Asahi: Which is actually probably rather accurate.

"YOU MISERABULL IDIETS!" the prinsipul shouteded! Then he throo the holee water at edowird but he dodjed fastlee the atac! Insted jakub got hit and then he was coverd in bunrs and scabs!

"OHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUCLK" scremed jakub as the holee watur burnd his purfict beyutiful hot sexay skin.

Cherry: Ah…yeah…no…

Briar: In no incarnation are werewolves harmed by holy water. Jacob should be perfectly fine.

"SHIT SHTI SHIT SHIT" he kept scremeng as he bunred! I was so fuocking infurriatd. How daer he hrut JACUB!?

Asahi: “Only I can hurt my men!”

I tuk out my catana and struke Prinsipul in dedlee combat! I swun my sord at him 1 2 tiems but he jupmed sevural feete in the aer and clung to the seeling! Then edowrd juped for HIM! But it was a false becuz Prinsipul was so strong!

Cherry: The principle just a spider or somethin now? Clinging to the ceilin’ like that?

"YOU INFERIER NITWITS" Prinsipal was strong he toke edowerds arm mid flite and then threw edowedr thru his desk braking it! Then prinsipal dropped on toop of edowerd!

"THOU ISTETH DOTH A FUCKERETH" scramed edowerd as prinsipul snaped his neck!

Asahi: Eh. He’s in a better place.

Cherry: Yeah, even after all these chapters, can’t bring myself to really care for ‘im.

Even tho i haet that fuocking rapist basturd

Briar: He never raped you. He never harassed you. He was your talking doormat.

I stil felt bad becuz nobuddy dezervs that kind of treetmint.

Asahi: Unless your Bella.

Then he threw edowerd thru the wal and into another rum! "DOTH WENCH!"

"GOD FUOCING DAMMIT EDOWERD STOP DYEING ON ME!" I scremed! He got out a steak and began to stalc edowerd as he was recumpensing frum the strugul but NO! becuz then i throo the catana rite thru Prinsipal's stomick wit al my mite!

Cherry: Of course ya did.

Cherry: An everyone clapped, didn’t they?

"AH! AH! AH! AHHHHH!" Prinsipul scramed as he fel back. As he was faling i ran up to him and stabed him agin and agin 78 tiems.

Asahi: Talk about excessive.

I wuz so extreem becuz he had alsmot kiled edowrd and jakub. Then i throo the prinsipul across the rum and put my catan away. I ran ovar to that dying fucker.

"Why did you do this" I aksed him. "We jsut wanted to help the students."

Briar: “Because you fucking shot me out of the blue, you bitch!”

"The biotch esmay wuz goign to kil me anywayz for faeling! I thught that i culd kil edowrd who ive alwayz nown was a vampoire!"

"then you deserve this you fucker" i sed as i shout my shotgun into him. Then i did it agin and agin and a furth tiem (this last one in the hed) jsut to maek sure he wuldnt cum back and try to raep or stabe me.

Asahi: Rebecca, listen. I know this is hard to swallow, but; no one wants to rape you. In fact, no one wants to even touch you. You’re just that unpleasant to be around.

Blud wuz everywer. I had kiled the prinsipal. I didnt waent to do that but i haed to. He wuz so violenta he culd hav kiled sumone.

Cherry: Hrrrmm!!!

Cherry: Pot. It’s Kettle. You’re black.

Anywzys I put the vial into the aer condishiner and then the antivirus stated spreding thrughout teh scool.

Asahi: Hooray.

Asahi: Everyone would have been better off dead, but we can’t win them all, can we?

Chapter 22 – Escaep

The vyle wuz in the aer cundishener and then the condishiner was spreding thru the vents.

Briar: I’m impressed the vents can withstand something so big and undoubtedly heavy going through them.

I culd smel the antydote efecting everyune in the scool. I think that savign evereeone heer wuz an akt of redempshin for kiling the prinsipal. I rally felt bed abut that becuz

Cherry: Because…?

Asahi: It’s redemption for killing the principle. But what about your redemption for killing Charlie? Or for abusing Bella?

"jakub are youu okay!?" i scremed wile runingn ovar to his scabee bodee.

"What the fuock do u think" he sed. He was sexily coverd in brewzes.

Briar: Bruises and burn marks are two very different things. Trust me. I know.

"let me help you with my beyutiful signign voyse" i sed as i begin to sung beyutifuly at him. I sung born dis way by ladee gaga.

Cherry: The sound was like nails on a chalk board. Ears began bleedin, glass cracked, a bird outside the window died from the sound. Jacobs burns got worse.

Sudenlee jakub got up frum the grund his scabes faling off. Then sudenlee his hare began to turn bloo. His eies met mien an then i instatelee new wat i wuz in for.

Asahi: His hair turned blue?

"Rebeca i new i did the rite thing when i decidd to sav you" he sed dreemilee. Then he fel on toop of me and we began to kis litelee. It wuz so perfect. Then edowerd got up and luked at us and then powted and the left becuz hes nothing but a jellis biotch.

Briar: I swear, if they have sex…

"yo homie wats up" tanishanqua sed as she and alicia and mr chocoluv enterd the rum. But i wuz stil kiding jakub so then they stoped. "yo that bitch crayyyy" tasniahshanqua sed as she and alicea and Mr chovoluv left the rum. Then rosalee caem into the rum.

Asahi: I want some rum.

Cherry: Same.

"normalee id fuock u up biotch but u did okay today so il let u off the hook." She sed, puting her guns away. She had onlee 1 bullit hole on her chest meening that she kiled a LOT of coips today. Poor copis.

Cherry: How dare the cops stand up against a queen?

Enyways for unce i wuz so happee that i didnt even get angree i jsut smiled and basked in hapiniss.

"jakub" i asked

"yes" he sed, holdign me

"does tihs mean that weer together now?" i asked

"mmhmm" he sed kising my forehed as the sun set.

Briar: So yesterday she was all over Edward. Today she’s all over Jacob. Is she going to be all over someone else tomorrow?

Asahi: Probably.

Chapter 23 – The house

So after we left scool all fiev of us (not mr chocoluv he cant leave the scool sincs hes a teachor) went to my hose to get rid of the evidense.

Cherry: Since when do teachers live at the school? He’s allowed a life outside it, ya know.

Tasniahshanqua was on my rite Jakub was also on my rite Alicia and Edowerd were on my left. We got to my huose.

Asahi: Because where they are in position to you is that important.

Asahi: Not.

"are you sure you want to do this" i edowerd asked me.

"yes i am sure" i sed lukign over into jakubs eies. I new that i had to atoen for my sins just liek judah wuld want me to do.

Briar: Is she actually going to atone?

Cherry: Answer is no.

This was the first step in doing it. I tuk a pieces of wud from the house and then lit it on fier. Then i throo the fitre into the house and it all began to burn down.

Asahi: Look, you can’t just burn down your house to solve your problems. Now the police and firemen are going to flock to your house to investigate why it burned down.

Asahi: Really, you just made things worse for yourself.

"Yo Moon where are you gonna live now?" Tanishashanqua asked politelee. I nodded my hed to her.

"she can cum live with us" alicia sed. I was happe becuz this wuld give me a chance to completd my misshin!

Briar: And she hasn’t forgotten the mission. Surprisingly.

I luked ovar to jakub who looked depressd becuz he didnt want me near that fuocking sick motherfocker edowerd but i new what i had to do.

Cherry: Edwards done nothin’ wrong! You asked him a question an he answered! All this did was make him think he can’t be honest with you.

"yeah sure that wrks" i told her faking a smile. I wuldnt mind living with alicia even when she drug deeled but living wiht edowerd was going to be realy awkwurd.

Asahi: Yes, your one-day boyfriend is so awkward to be around.

Then i saw sumone wakjing toewrds us fiev. Her name was Claritee Etude Simphonia [AN: SHE IS BASD OF MY FIEND CHELSEE!] but we jsut caled her Krystal becuz looking into her eies it was like looking into cristals.

Asahi: Of course. Just what we needed; more OCs.

Krystel is one of my best frends she was kidnaped when she was born by the Vulture

Briar: So vultures kidnap people now instead of just eating corpses. Good to know.

who then rased her to be evil and they kiled her mother and father and her uncles and ants comitd suiside becuz they wer so depresed like major fuokcing retards. Then she escaepd but she becam a vampire becuz of it so now she lives in forks.

Asahi: Forks is just the hub for every plot-convenient thing and person, isn’t it?

Sumtiems she stil remembers it but its okay. She wants venge on the Vulturi becuz they are ashoes.

Cherry: Understandably so.

"hi rebecca how is everting today" she asked but then she saw my hose burnign down so then she screemed "WHAT THE FOUCK WHO DID THIS". She got out a gun wich maed alicia get out her gun and maed edowerd get out his nales and make jakub get out his ax. (Tanishashanqua also got a gun out becuz alicia had given her one earlyr to defend hersefl).

Asahi: Now shoot each other.

Asahi: If this works out, only Tanishashanqua will survive.

"its okay dont woree we have a plan" i told her stayig calm. She was assurd of my intelijence and then she smiled.

Cherry: What intelligence?

"rebecca who is that major fucking hotty!?" she asked me giggling. I giggled to. I whispered into her ear.

"weer totalee going out isnt it awsome!?"

"you go girl!" she sed and then high fived me and then left.

Briar: If we’re lucky, we won’t see her again.

Asahi: We can only hope.

But her leeving maed me really sad and I didn't no why. Then i luked to my house wich was burning down and i began to fell bad. Why culdnt I be a normal gurl like Krystal?

Cherry: Pfft. You call her normal? Ya even read the backstory ya gave her?

Why do I haev to be chased by fucking rappers everywhere i go and and why did i allways haev to live this kind of life!?

Asahi: Raps not that bad.

I DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THIS SHIT WHAT THE FOUCK!?

Briar: It’s called karma. You’ve done a lot to get some very bad karma.

"Rebecca is sumthing rong" sexily asked jakub as he caressed over to me, regarding me shroedlee. He huged me in front of everyone but it had no effect.

Asahi: Careful, man. She might stab you in the dick for touching her. And then call you a rapist.

"Everything so fo unfare!" i scremed to him angrilee. "Why cant i just be plane like the rest of the wurld and pepul heer!? Im too gud at things and i kepe having pepul fal in luv with me! ITS A FUOCKING CURS JAKUB HELP ME BRAKE IT!"

Cherry: Wow! I’m getting’ major My Immortal vibes from that one!

Cherry: An correction; you aint good at shit.

I wus crying now becuz to be honest i was foucking sick of this lie f.

Asahi: Then you can always kill yourself.

Cherry: That’s a bit harsh.

Asahi: Just listing the options.

"dere dere its okay" alicai sed pating my back as the hose funishd burning down. She always new what to say to cheer me up wich was gud. "lets go back to my palce and get sum taco bell okay" she sed.

"I FUOCKING HATE TACO BEL ITS NOT ENVIYORMENTALY SAEF" I sed crying

Cherry: I take back what said, Asahi. You’re right.

"okay den" she sed and we went off to get sum vegan orgaenik fud and then go to Edowerds house. [AN: EET ORGAENIC ITS WAY BETTER FOR THE ENVIYOURMINT THEN FAST FUD!]

Cherry: Meat is organic. Lettuce is organic, cheese is organic. You can’t convince me otherwise.

AN:

im not even replying to the flaems anymoar becuz honestlee you guys are fuockers who are stating hurt my feelings just LEEV ME ALOEN IF YOU DONT LIEK IT JUST FUOCK YOU FUOCKERS I CAENT STAND YOU ASDAJSLDKFSD

Asahi: You brought it on yourself by ignoring every piece of advice you were given. You were told to improve your spelling. If anything it’s gotten worse. You’ve been told your storytelling was bad. You let it get worse. And then you blame and whine and cry.

Asahi: No wonder people are attacking this.

Cherry: Bah!

Cherry: All this readin’ and complain’ got me hungry. I’m hitting the snack bar.

#Twilight #Fanfiction #MST3k Style Riffing #Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin

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silluuuu · 7 years

Note

“your face is extremely close and i cant concentrate” au. I can so see the potential for some soma :3

Thanks so much for the prompt, OT! @makapedia sent me the same one at almost the same time, so clearly it was fate.

Also, makapedia is my betababe eternal. Thank you for your eyes and for your italics enabling :)

We’re All ScramblingRead it here: FFN | AO3Rated T for language, suggestive situations and Soul’s perpetual suffering.Summary: Soul hates the library, but he loves naps. Unfortunately, Maka needs a very specific book, and he’s in the way.

ok here have this awkward library UST two-shot:

He didn’t ask for this.

Soul sits at the table, fiddling with this phone, squinting at his Most Played songs and wishing he were somewhere else. It is a Tuesday, and much like any other day, he is spending his time by doing his two favorite things: scrolling through his playlists and Regretting.

To be fair… he never does ask, does he? He never asks to be mercilessly dragged all over town at Maka’s whim; never deigns to question why she makes him accompany her on every single errand on her ever-lengthening, never-ever-finished to-do list. In human or weapon form, it doesn’t matter: she totes him around and he accepts his fate.

But this. He didn’t ask for this. Even on the days where he doesn’t mind getting out of the house, he definitely doesn’t ask to be dragged to the library.

He’s not being dramatic. The library is, objectively, the most criminally uncool of all locales, where silence flattens his brain like a paperweight and listening to music at a normally acceptable volume is an act so blasphemous it borders on profane. Jazz is not meant to be listened to on mezzo piano, and as an act of protest, he clicks the volume button up on his phone.

One half of one second passes before Maka’s eyes slide in his direction, green daggers poised at his throat, and he clicks the volume button down, expending one quarter of his daily Cool Points on trying to not look sheepish.

He can’t get comfortable, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t even try to put his feet on the table like he does at home. This is a library, after all, where Maka is equipped with not one but a million potential weapons, spines looking solid and deadly in the unforgiving fluorescent light.

She is in homework mode, and he does not feel brave enough to toe off with her about anything, especially when he should probably be studying too, with their last ever round of final exams coming up.

Opening his binder, he looks down at his notes. Chicken scratch and otherwise incomprehensible text stare back at him, and he concludes that studying is not on the menu.

Headphones slammed onto his ears, he listens to his mezzo piano jazz and seethes.

Occasionally he wonders why he puts himself through such torture. It is certainly, he insists, one-hundred-percent because he is a self-proclaimed Lazy Ass with nothing better to do, and absolutely not because lately, he finds himself looking for excuses to be around Maka, looking for ways to spend time with her outside the roles they’ve established for themselves. He chooses not to entertain the thought that he might kind of like being around her in a not-weapon, not-roommate capacity, even if it means he ends up in places he wouldn’t normally be.

Maka’s sure to be here for the next three hours, and he does not have enough willpower - nor enough battery life, he realizes with a grimace as his phone ticks down to 27% - to make it to dinnertime. His compounded lack of charger and snacks forces a sigh out of him, and Maka glares at him again.

“If you’re bored, go look around,” he hears her say (quite clearly, as his music seems to be more piano than mezzo at this point). “Maybe you’ll actually find something you like.”

Unlikely, he thinks, but he gets up anyway, appreciating the chance to step away for a minute. He thinks about her too much these days, and nothing good can come from those daydreams.

He wanders down the aisles of books, and titles such as Witches!? What to Do About Pesky Covenly Problems and Arachno-Who? A History of Anti-Academy Organizations jump out at him. He spends enough time hearing about this stuff from Maka - even though they’re almost out of school, the history lessons never stop, and he escapes into the next aisle in search of less headache-inducing fare. He navigates the library the way he navigates everything else: with a healthy dose of skepticism and by cutting a lot of corners.

It’s not that he doesn’t like studying, he realizes as he walks. He doesn’t hate studying when Maka sits on the other side of the couch, feet propped up on his legs, textbook touching her nose, forehead wrinkled very not-adorably as she skims the page. He doesn’t hate studying when Maka falls asleep at the table and he carries her to bed, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she snuggles beneath the blankets. Doesn’t hate studying when it means she’s got an early day and he gets to drive her to the Academy, her body warm against his in the spring air, all of the trust she places in him quietly humming along with the engine as they skid into the parking lot.

There is a common denominator here, but it is very likely not studying.

He won’t think about it, he decides as he runs his hand down a row of books. He won’t think about it because there’s nothing that will come of this little preoccupation he’s been entertaining for the past few years. His comfort zone is exactly that - comfortable - though it’s easier to make it seem like an inconvenience than to say what it really is: a blood-curdlingly terrifying concept.

She’s his best friend, after all. Thinking about your best friend in that way is weird. But… it’s good weird. Weird like… when you come home after a long day and see that you’ve already put the dishes away, but you can’t remember doing it. It’s simple, surprising, but not altogether unpleasant or unexpected.

Telling her, though. That’s the terrifying part. Because it’s bad weird. Because how do you tell your best friend that you love them, anyway? How do you just stroll up and say “Hey Maka, I’ve been thinking about kissing you since we were fifteen, and would you mind too much if I did that, or whatever?” Because what happens if she doesn’t feel the same? What happens if you ruin everything?

When he thinks of cool way to do it, he will.

He’s not very good at brainstorming, though, so this is not terribly reassuring.

Book after book stares him down as he makes his way through the aisles. He’s always preferred the auditory to the visual, and as he expects, nothing catches his eye as he winds through the stacks. His stomach grumbles again, and he thinks about how he’s going to get through the next few hours of his life. Soon he grows tired of thinking, and tired in general, and realizes that the best, most effective way to pass his time has been in front of him all along.

At the end of a specific aisle in the History section lies his escape, and he finds himself walking towards an errant beanbag chair that sits nestled against the shelves.

Naps are, indisputably, the coolest thing to do at the library.

As he lies there, mentally patting himself on the back at this stroke of genius, he sinks into a state of prime relaxation, letting the flickering torches on the walls lull him into an almost-nap. For some amount of time, he lets waves of jazz flow over him, allowing himself to momentarily forget his best friend dilemmas, his good weirds and bad weirds.

Until somewhere, in his sleep, a small ping of awareness goes off in his brain. Half awake, his eyelids lift slightly and he registers a pair of black boots inching their way towards him, stopping just short of the beanbag.

Dreaming in a library is weirdly realistic, he thinks muddily as his eyes shut again. He relaxes again for about three seconds before a shadow moves in front of his eyes.

Before he can react, three points tentatively sink into the beanbag, pushing down around him: two spots on either side of his leg, and another just above his left shoulder.

It quickly becomes apparent that he is definitely not dreaming, that there is a person climbing on him right now, and he’s about to scythe-ify himself to slice this person’s throat to next Tuesday until he remembers his not-dream, with very familiar boots scuffling down the aisle.

This can’t be happening. What is she doing?

He is pinned, frozen beneath the Maka-shaped shadow that hovers above him. But before he can get too carried away by how her shirt is brushing his chin and how distracting her bare legs are against his jeans, he senses the beanbag dip slightly backward, as if she’s moving past him, reaching for something.

He realizes what is happening. She needs a book.

Concentrate on the music. On the music, he says to himself via ritualistic self-chant, where he prays to the Cool Points Gods to spare him, because he can’t plan for these sorts of things, okay? He doesn’t know how to atone for the fact that his meister loves books so much, clearly needs this particular tome so urgently that she cannot wait until he wakes up to grab it off the shelves he has been so rudely blocking in his slumber. Concentrate. On. The. Music.

Predictably, he does not concentrate on the music.

Instead, he concentrates on the way skirt fabric is tickling his fingers, torturing him as his hands lay rigidly against the beanbag, immobile. He concentrates on the way she smells, that perfect Maka-blend of vanilla body wash and badassery. Her knee slides up his leg a little, moving towards his hip as she continues to reach for her prize. He waves goodbye to twenty-five more Cool Points as they sail away on the tides of his dignity.

Despite his numerous qualms about the library, he no longer wishes he were somewhere else.

Still. Why wouldn’t she just wake him up?! His sleep has never been a priority for her before, especially not when she is studying and he’s supposed to be. Where is her academia-incurred wrath? Why isn’t she just knocking his legs out of the way like she normally does?

The whistle-blowy part of his brain reminds him that he’s not doing anything, either.

Other than suddenly imagining what her hips might feel like under his hands.

He must’ve been monologuing too loudly, because he senses it when she freezes, now fully extended over his bean-filled prison. He can’t see her, but he knows that she’s looking at him. Even with his eyes shut, he knows that unsettling thrill of having her gaze trained on him. It does nothing to improve his heart rate as the shadow above his eyes grows darker. She’s leaning in toward his face, inspecting him, probably totally unaware of how compromising this looks.

This is confirmed when she says, so matter-of-factly, so without embarrassment that it makes him even more mortified: “I know you aren’t sleeping.”

Mentally squirming, he lifts an eye open and is greeted with her most accusatory face: nose wrinkled, eyes narrowed, lips pursed. He decides that this really isn’t all that fair, considering she’s the one effectively straddling him.

All he was doing was napping, and he will take no blame. He has done nothing to bring this very uncomfortable (but also not entirely unwelcome) situation upon himself.

“What?” he grunts. His voice doesn’t crack, which is practically a miracle. He already knows what she wants, but he still has fifty of his Cool Points left, and he will cling to them for dear life.

“I need a book,” she says stiffly, eyes now fixed on the one particular specimen she has in mind. As she says it, she determinedly reaches forward, lifting her left knee, and suddenly she is no longer effectively but actually straddling him.

He freezes, because he cannot conceive of what is happening to him, cannot comprehend how she doesn’t realize that she’s too damn attractive and isn’t even trying. To be fair, this is just a typical day with Maka, she who is forever oblivious to the spell she’s had him under for the past five years. She who straddles her weapon in the corner of the library and doesn’t even realize what she’s doing, apparently.

His Cool Points trickle down to twenty-five percent as he sputters, and he is so baffled, so utterly clueless as to how she could be doing this, that he stares up at her and says the only thing that’s been on his mind for the past thirty seconds: “You’re straddling me.”

Because, as previously mentioned, she is. Saying it aloud makes it more real for both of them, it seems, because her cheeks turn pink, and for a moment, he’s glad that she has finally joined him on his train of mortification as it hurtles toward the ground.

Something in him catches, though, because the look she’s giving him is different than what he expects, almost like she’s reluctant to move, and suddenly, his face is burning, too. He doesn’t mind this turn of events: the two of them flustered, blushing together on the beanbag.

His headphones are still on, and mezzo piano is not loud enough to block out the sound of his heartbeat as it hammers in his ears.

“Uh. Sorry,” she mutters after a moment, bangs hanging in front of her eyes, and something in her voice is… weird.

Good weird.

She withdraws her hand from the shelf without taking the book, even though that book is what got them into this whole mess. “I’ll just–”

“You don’t… have to?”

He realizes what he has said far too late, and his mouth snaps shut, eyes widening. Okay, not necessarily the suave, in-control disposition he’d like to have in this moment, but with his Cool Points in exponential decline, it’s the best he can do.

“…What.” She’s tense, frozen in his lap, eyes wide as her knees dig into the sides of the chair.

“Uh.” He stares up at her, deliberately not noticing the flush that shoots down her neck. “I meant. You should… get the book?” His voice cracks on the last word. Miracles are fickle friends.

“Oh,” she says, eyes still blown open, watching him carefully. “Right.”

She starts to lean forward again, and in horror, he clears his throat before she can do that hover thing again. “I, uh. I’ll move, okay?”

He hadn’t thought it was possible, but she turns even redder, eyebrows drawing together. They watch each other for another second, before she nods silently, almost resignedly, and backs up for him to slide his way off of the beanbag. He flops onto the floor and stares at the ceiling as she retrieves the book, wanting to lie there and die peacefully in the wake of the worst-and-best thing that could’ve possibly happened to him in a library.

“It’s… almost dinner time,” Maka says solemnly from beside the beanbag, looking down at her feet. “Let’s go.”

And she shuffles down the aisle, leaving him lying there. When she turns the corner, she shoots him a glance that fills his insides with lead.

He opens his phone. Spends a couple of seconds shuffling through his playlists and Regretting.

She’s upset, and he gets the feeling that it’s his fault.

—

Thanks for reading! Part 2 on its way ASAP ;D

Also: I really wanted to use this prompt to try to slink back into Soul’s Hybrid Theory voice, which is my ~32,000 year old longfic (that I’m cooking up an update for, by the way!) So, if you enjoy Soul’s voice in this story, totally check that story out, if you’re keen!

#oblivion-time #soul eater fanfiction #prompts #soulxmaka #let soul sleep 2k17 #soul eater #maka albarn #soul eater evans #my writing

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