#my life so different now thats crazy

[oceanwithouthermoon]

sometimes i think about how the people who hate on my takes on here would talk to each other and its always phrased like the twitter fandom drama i see but completely irrational and it makes me giggle

"calling kusuke abusive just because he shot his brother with a lethal weapon, plotted his murder, planned to use their grandparents to assist in hurting/killing him, and tried for years to expose his secret to the entire world against his will and through knowingly hurtful means in order to destroy everything he cared about is so stupid! what a stretch!"

"the saiki k fandom is so damn sensitive. i shoot my brother with massive guns all the time and its not abusive because he just blocks it!" HELPEKSJJSJSKSKKS

#sorry i have absolutely no beef with anyone this is just funny #its just an opinion and i have nothing against people with a different opinion than me #its just funny how they think IM irrational when this is legitimately their thought process #and they come directly onto MY page and cry about people having diff opinions #like girl u do NOT see me doing that shit thats so embarrassing stop #im not even a kusuke hater like thats my man #but even if i was- i dont get why that bothers people so much like y r u so scared of different opinions #i sometimes talk about teru or saiki haters i dont like but that isnt defined by 'literally anyone who doesnt like them' #idgaf if people hate my fav characters- i just hate the WAY certain people hate them that shows they didnt understand the show #YOUR definition of 'evil kusuke haters who must be purged from this fandom' is literally anyone who has an opinion on him- #-that isnt sunshine and rainbows and kusuke is the most morally right and sympathetic character and nobody else deserves him !1!1! ur crazy #oh this isn't targeted at any specific person btw im just being dramatic #i havent acknowledged this at all in months idk what compelled me to do so now #the single anon that barely even said anything just made me think back to this #nobody gets him like i do i swear i swear #saiki k #tdlosk #the disastrous life of saiki k. #saiki kusuke #meows post

[lobotomyladylives]

I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck

#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i #in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where #i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever #i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at #and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like #everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd . #just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up #not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until #i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg #the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was #i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different #well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl #i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool

[welcometoteyvat]

jing yuan and yanqing are giving zhongli and xiao if the latter’s canon relationship was Actually fanon’s made up father figure/adopted child dynamic

#idkkkkkkkkkkkkk who looks at zx and is like 'you know what. this is a healthy parent child relationship' #like girl by fitting them into father son boxes you are actively making their relationship imbalance Worse #if you do that and dont shy away from it i respect that but if you say dad/son makes their relationship more wholesome or whatever like WHY #now i wont deny shippers might do that too but i see the dad son version so much i think im just averse to it by default #also because i think father son makes people actively Try to make their relationship something that its not and it erases a bunch of subtlet #subtleties in it. it's the nuanced r/ship -> entirely unproblematic and flavorless r/ship that i hate #also the number of people who'll block if you ship zx. like damn thats crazy you guys really think theyre father son (fake)??? #at their peak they're like. 4000 year old guys who have too much history and repression and some weird entanglement of 'nah im bothering him #too much' and 'gotta protect him w my life' complexes. and then this devolves into theyre never gonna kiss until 3000 more years have passed #listen they just Contain Multitudes idc if you dont ship it just dont make it into dad and son and we will be so gucci #jing.yuan and yanqing are like different i think mostly bc yanqing is actually like a minor and jing yuan is also a normal ish person #plus the light cone and the abouts?? yeah this is an actual like adopted parent/child thing #also good or bad news i caved and am now playing hsr. the plan is to pull yanqing and then go on infinite hiatus in the game 👍 #JWKFLJWEK i dont think theres really any draws for me besides him. personally neutral on turn based combat and the open world isn't giving #the only saving grace i have rn is 1) ive gotten to the part where bron.seele is real and man theyre gay 2) trailblazer trio 3) tall female #mc 4) everyone has way better emoting abilities than genshin 5) su.shang's really cute <3 #the story doesnt really interest me though its like cool but not mindgrippingly interesting #tbf i think genshin is the same way storyline wise (at the beginning) but the difference is that turn based combat isnt really my thing LMAO #ramblings! #zhongxiao #if you want to filter it out ??

[smute]

big epiphany you guys. big. huge.

#cliffnotes for context: smute almost finish masters. smute think oh‚ maybe phd not crazy wacko shit‚ maybe i can try #but smute also low self esteem. with any small setback - smute think oh what is point. smute bound to fail #problem is: smute genuine self doubt = smute quotidian frustration #ok normal english now #so thats what i realized today. a lot of the ''small'' things i dream of (financial independence‚ a nice little apartment etc) are #expressions of some low level frustration with my nomadic broke student life #rather than genuine desires. and as dumb or as #duh #obvious as that may sound rn #its actually huge for me that i was able to recognize the difference today #this question of what i will do after i graduate has been haunting me for the past year #and i am now realizing that a lot of my own arguments have nothing to do with what i want #just because they're things i don't currently have doesn't mean they would be fulfilling #and #again. duh. #but like. between this debilitating self doubt and certain external pressures 🤨 it was hard to see the difference #anyway i basically just explored some alternative scenarios today #like specific scenarios. went on indeed found some really good stuff and tried to imagine my life a year from now if i took this or that jo #and the end result was that i fucking hated it. they were all great options on paper but the takeaway was that i would never forgive myself #if i didnt give this a try. if i prioritized some vague notion of independence or this idea of ''settling down'' or whatever the fuck #over the one thing that ive got going for me #like i still don't know if the academic path will be any more fulfilling than some other job #god knows my entire academic career so far has been an insane uphill battle. but it's also been so fucking rewarding. like nothing else #and i also still dont know how genuine this wish is #if it's not maybe still about proving myself to some imaginary authority #but like. how long can you psychoanalyze yourself before your goddamn head explodes #no matter how pure my motivation is im beginning to understand that i dont want this to be the end of the road #and maybe that's enough #&

[coloursofaparadox]

im still not over the sleep thing one sec i gotta rant about this shit

#i think the problem now is that historically my sleep habits have been Really Messed Up by what can loosely be called insomnia my whole life #its always kinda just been a given that if im in bed and i cant sleep there is absolutely nothing that can be done to help #and thats not for lack of trying i have tried every meditation and suggested solution possible. it does not happen. #if i cant fall asleep and try to force myself w/o distractions i will be awake staring at the ceiling for hours. usually till the morning #thats not an exaggeration it happened often before i gave up on it. so i figured out coping methods! #namely 1) making sure my body is taken care of as well as possible to make sure its not caused by pain or hunger or anxiety #and 2) not trying to force it and accepting itll happen when it happens. and then reading a book or watching a show on a dim screen #until i physically cant keep my eyes open and then i can fall asleep. if i try any earlier than that no dice. my brain wakes itself up again #these worked for years! but now thanks to adhd meds that actually make my brain quiet. uh. these same coping methods are. not working #im physically tired and start my usual routine and wait to pass out while reading but i just. dont. ever. #like. the physically tired feeling has never made a difference in my body cooperating with sleep. but now apparently it will???? #and ive been ignoring it??? bc im used to it not working? i tried just. closing my eyes and trying to lay still yesterday and it WORKED #after like. 10 minutes or so. it was fucking crazy. i thought media and pop culture was lying about people doing that. #anyways. apparently i can fall asleep like a human and not some kind of weird chronically exhausted cryptid now. #(because of new adhd meds to be clear) but i havent been because i didnt even think to TRY it. since. yknow. cryptid status. #shits weird.

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[becca4leafclover]

waiiiitt I just realized the reason why I love QSMP so much as a concept is because it's kind of like my childhood growing up overseas oh my goooodddddd what if i cried

#its in the bonding over multicultural experiences #in school everyone would be from somewhere different from all over the world #and we were only at this place for a few years so we just vibed together and our differences didnt matter #but then sometimes we'd just end up talking about where we lived before #and sharing these crazy things we'd had as american kids in other countries #and we'd also for one reason or another have local kids sometimes talk about their own experiences as locals coming to the american school #and it was cool too!! #but coming back to live in the usa has been pretty isolating as someone who grew up outside here and no one else has left their state area #but the qsmp community has been bringing that culture exchange back into my life!! #and it's SOOO amazing to see people learning about outside their world and be part of that culture exchange again #and no its not the same and im not saying its supposed to be! #i love it so much i love learning about the outside world and how humanity is so varied and so so special #thank you qsmp this silly minecraft server has brought back a part of my life i thought i left behind forever when my family moved back #now im actually practicing my german again and picking up on more basic spanish than i ever thought id get #and im getting reinspired to want to aim to go back overseas rather than stay in america for job oppertunities #i thought i was resolved to suffer here forever but theres still a world out there thats not perfect but if my place isnt here its okay!

[megafawna-permhiatus]

Ya . . been having alot of weird feelings about being trans recently.

#.talk #i am male. that might as well be one of the only constants in this (for lack of a better term hehe) transitional period in my life (youth) #its like an axiom to me. but to others it might not be... why is this? why is this so complicated? i have these feelings of being a man tha #come from the cavity of my chest and glow from the inside of it to the outside. it clogs my pores with how much i know my maleness to be #accurate. yet i still get called ''she'' maybe like 43% of the time. its a weird feeling. also a shitty one but that goes w/o saying #because when i was younger and first trying out this whole transition thing. i drifted between xenogender labels and demiboy and nonbinary #and those are fine. but definitely not who i am... and hey once i get on T maybe my feelings will change... but its crazy to think i ever #once thought i was female... #or that i ever was just. apathetic towards being misgendered. it hurt me but i just pushed it away. and i never realized that was different #or a sign i did not like my femaleness. because i'd never had much excitement about my gender. i'd never been offered another path. i never #got called ''he'' or ''son'' or ''boy''. but now i am (most of the time. wish it was more but hey thats the brakes) and i feel like i #stepped out of a cave that i was trapped in for my entire life and im starting to feel what warmth from the sun is like. and i loooove it! #ok sorry. ill stop talking

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i think. maybe ill go to bed before 8 tonight #bc my brain. i can't deal with it. and im tired #but i should not do that bc i have things i need to do #like. theres an application due the 11th. but fuck it i might not send it bc fucking whats the point #why has it become so impossible to function? i mean. i kno why but its still annoying #and its like so crazy bc i just feel like im curled up on the floor with the broken pieces of my life and nothing terribles even happened #from an outside perspective its perfectly fine and good my insides have just rottef out #like i had to spend most of today plotting an experiment and i feel bad bc im just so. im so worried that looking after yhis thing is going #to hurt. its going to drain away hours of my time. i dont kno how long it take to deal with every single day for 2 weeks #ill have to water it at 7 and 5 and take measurements all day probably and im very worried about the amount of damage thats going to do #when it already feels like i should b careful where i step. and i feel bad bc im prob such a bummer to hang around like im so sullen faced #and i just dont care. like we had to make a decision bc we could do one thing or another and it would b answering 2 diff questions #and my boss was like. well which do u find most interesting. and i just. i dont care im more concern with the amount of psychic damage this #will inflict upon me so i just dont really give a fuck and that makes me so sad bc like at one point this probably would have been fun #and now im just bitter and it hurt and i jusr want to lay down and not get up #and im like how the fuck am i supposed to find a phd position when the enthusiasm for what i do now has completely burned thru me? #like hi yes r u looking for a new student? im dizzy and my life is falling apart even tho everythings my brains just on fire #but ya kno i think id b an asset to your lab! sigh... itll b fine i kno it will bc it has to b #ill visit the school i wanna go to. hopefully not make myself look like too much of an unstable moron and then leave this place #dragg my bleeding soul across the country to shrivel up in a different area code #somethings gotta give but lets hope it waits a couple months ya kno #ugh. im just tired. i should sleep. i didnt sleep enough last night. and i didnt relax on the weekend so ive got that i don't kno what day #it is type of vertigo. but tomorrow will b better. it will bc i dont want it to b worse #unrelated #i just want to study things that made me feel something. y doesn't that have to b so hard? #let me study slime. endless days alone with the green goo

[britneyshakespeare]

i know a good number of ppl ship zari and lily from duolingo stories but how is not everyone shipping lin and béa... they are such girlfriends

#zari and lily are probably my favorite characters don't get me wrong #& i agree w the headcanon that lily's a lesbian (i wouldn't be surprised if they write a story where she comes out... if thats a plan) #zari is. idk she can really be anything. she is boy-crazy at least for now. #i think zari and lily are so lovable bc they represent two different kinds of--but equally relatable--teenage girl experiences #and yet theyre uncomplicatedly each other's best friends. wow we love it. #it's a very wholesome adolescent dynamic they've got. so pure. so sweet. i do read it as 100% platonic tho ngl #béa and lin though are both OPENLY sapphic. and they have that opposites-attract thing. #béa is a kind of chic young adult woman who works VERY hard #and lin is kind of a laid back homebody. naturally cool tho. lives w her grandmother #they both love watching tv. as do we all. #they're not QUITE as different a foil as zari and lily but that also might work for the better. idk #i know a few months ago i made a callout post of a story where béa is super toxic to lin about not working out hard enough. #i will say. in my personal life since i have also met an athletic and competitive lesbian who reminds me somewhat of béa #in that story at least. and i now. interpret that story way differently. #that was flirting. that's all i will say. #text post #duolingo #duolingo stories #come to britneyshakespeare dot tumblr dot com for the cool url. stay for the tag rants about duolingo stories universe lore. #take everything i say here w a grain of salt #but at the same time: ART IMITATES LIFE #i think it's objectively funny that these characters have such an established place in my mind that i can go off like this #listen guys. my streak is 984 days. i've spent a lot of time in the neighborhood.

[truthundressing]

oh my god everything in life is cyclic...

#been going a different route for my daily walk when i stay at my dads thats along the river and backs onto like endless fields #and its so beautiful that i like genuinely look forward to it and i didnt know why but this particular route always made me feel much more #at ease and motivated n less anxious for the rest of the day #and i told my mum about this route and she was like ohh yeah i used to take you on that walk all the time in the buggy when you were a baby #like now it makes sense why i feel so connected to it like thats so crazy that my body recognised it but my mind didnt #idk falling in love w life again is fun and sometimes its the small things like this that like cause revelations for me yknow <3

[kylie9]

i feel like more people need to realize we are all share the same sky and none of us are truly ever alone

#sorry im just htinking about how happy i am how better i am how i take showers now and have friends how I'm nice to my dad and I'm able to #hug him but still talk to my mother i have food and water and blankets i have friends and i am loved changes are scary and I'm still scared #but i remember how happy i am how younger me or even me from a week or month ago or years ago would be proud and still root for me to live #one day ill have a house of my own a life of my own memories to share and love but new ones to experience and in all of them i was never #alone i always had someone to love me and live for i always had a purpose I've had one since i was born which was to be my sisters friend a #and be someone to lean on and i still uphold that i try to support everyone i can since i know how hard it is to not be at the worst times #i hug and tell everyone i love them 24/7 i tell everyone they are amazing since i never know when ill look back on this all and regret not #saying it everytime i hug my dad and he says calm down kylie i always say you'll miss this in 10 years as a joke but i think about it so mu #so much i dont know if ill know any of you in 10 years but I'm happy to be talking to you now I'm happy to know that there's people out the #there who are kind and have fun thoughts who makea fun silly art and chat with me and care about me and try to help me and ill never see yo #why do i have a voice in my head and think about t you all the time when i don't even know you? its crazy but i love it so much you all ha #have watched me grow and change watch me get older and my hair grow longer watch me be happy and i think about that how i might be in your #brain or memories at one point how i have a impact just like how everyone has an impact on me what I'm saying is that no one is ever truly #alone everyone is filled with love and memories to share everyone has a different view on the world and no one truly has the same and i thi #think thats just so special and i get to see it! i get to talk to people everyday and listen and learn and its so special

[mrfoox]

Um. I told Oliver that I'm... Genuinely happy/content with my life

And cried bc i realize that's like the first time I've truly felt that way? Ever. The one by one big thing I want is an life partner otherwise... I think my life is good?

#miranda talking shit #From my standards i guess like... Ideally id have an education . Well paying and stable job and shit #But like... With my mental issues i probably wont ever have that but now i got... Part time work for at least 10 months ... #I can afford my bills... Food... I am getting payed from the government but now at least i am doing work for that pay #Its only 10h per week so nothing crazy but yeah... Idk i... I have always had lovely people around me who i love #Thats been my bright spot since 2017 but my mental health has been garbage #Now i... I live on my own with my cats... I do still have social workers who come help me with stuff but overall #I am so much more independent than i ever thought id be. I am like... I think i am genuinely happy? #I havent felt awful mentally for more than like half a day since last year. Usually i had suicidal thoughts daily #I. Genuinely didn't think I'd ever feel this... Not just okay but good? Nothing is perfect but i never wanted things to be #They are just ... Simple... But it's ... Im happy ? Im scared tl say i am really . Its been months but it still feels like it'll #All change and crash if i say i am. I just ... .... I think for the first time ever i am happy that im alive. Thay i didnt end my life #Previously. 25 years. 15 of those years with depression and more shit but now it's ... #Its so weird like i am not DOING anything really differently. Things are mundane and simple but my medication has helped #So much... And im still me? I think ?

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

Had a fuckin crazy dream dude holy fuck ...

#night thoughts #<- still feels like night its like 630am #but dude i dreamt i had a fuckin daughter #like a real life mostly human daughter like that shits crazy #and everyone was just normal abt it like my brother was just like Huh Cool #and i was like BRO IM A FUCKING TEEN PARENT WHAT THE SHIT DO I DO #and he was like man idk fuckin deal with it lmao #and jack loved that kid like he was purrin sm he loved her #but everyone else was just like errrr ok ??? dont get y ur makin such a big deal #and i was like HOW THE FUCK DO I HAVE A FUCKING DAUGHTER. WHAT THE SHIT DO I NAME HER. WHAT THE SHIT DO I DO #eveyrone was sooo normal tho thats i think y it was so scary like #i had PLANS for the FUTURE and suddenly there's this KID #and like whilst ive NEVER planed to be a parent i still fuckin loved this dream child like #i was rearranging all my plans for the future #i think i was gonna name her like sweetcorn or pepper or smth idk y maybe i was just hungry #but like in this dream since i was freakin the fuck out n everyone around me asides from jack thought i was makin a big deal of nothin #i texted a buncha tumblr mutuals who apparently now had a big discord groupchat and despite all being from different fandoms all my mutuals #were also just friends like. #but i texted that dream groupchat and was like HEY GUYS INHAVE A FUCKING DAUGHTER NOW WHATT HE SHIT DO I DO #and they were like. fucking normal ppl abt it they freaked out thw normal amt and it was such a relief #they were like WHAT THE SHIT UR A FUCKING TEENAGER HELLO WHOS THE OTHER PARENT WDYM U HAVE A DAUGHT3R HOW DID U JUST FIND OUT WHAT THE SHIT #anywayz. i woke up after a bit of tryna figure out the. Science. of how this child Came About. call me the virgin mary #bc sweetcorns birth was lookin a whole lot similar to fuckin jesus #tho its so weird i just like. Had a child Suddenly outta nowhere and like idk i cant even picture her i dont think she had an appearance in #the dream she wws just sorta a silhouette #and like idk if she was even real but she sure felt real #real in the dream ofc #anywayzzzz woke up and had a few minutes of confusion bc Oh God Wheres My Daughter Gone Why Am I In Bed Whats Going On Is She Okay #sooooo ig message of that dream was #my tumblr mutuals n my cat are my HOMIES and my family dont give a shit

[klonoadoortophantomile]

finally found out what this one pokemon magna i read when i was younger was =D

#^ this is pretty mundane sorry but like id been wondering for SO long #since it wasnt like the usual manga or really that connected to the games as far as i remmeber (i had also read a few issues of the bw #manga but this was very distinctly different. it had this super cutesy style and was more slice of life with talking pokemon #anyways its apparently called ‘magical pokemon journey’. i only ever read one volume that my elementary schools library happened to have bu #cool that i finally figured out what it was itd been driving me crazy for years (although i hadnt actually really bothered looking for it #too hard until now.. but thats kinda becuz i only just remmebered the talking pokemon part XD #inquisitivewaltz.txt

[milo-is-rambling]

Holy shit I’m gonna be 20 soon. MILLIES GONNA BE 20. OH MY GOD.

#STARING AT CEILING INTENSIFIES #like. age as in survival. age as in failures. age as in successes. age as in traumas. age as in almost legal to drink and smoke #like. aging is a gift and a curse and it makes me feel so many feelings I’ve only been 19 for a couple months and it feels so weird to know #20 is so close cause I know I won’t feel different but I’ve built it up in my brain as a big thing that signifies all this bullshit but it #doesn’t change me at all #that’s so crazy to think about #when I think about Millie getting older I feel so proud like gah tears in my eyes (I’m pmsing and high but) I’m so emotional about it bc #like she was in such a shitty family situation and just got dealt a shitty fuckin hand and now she’s living her life and she’s safe and #living a life she has some control over and I’m just so happy for her and she’s making huge progress in everything she sets her mind to #she’s so smart and cool and she’s funny and silly and sassy and knows what she wants and she’s confident and silly and I’m always laughing #when I’m with her and she has a great music taste and she’s awesome and she’s gonna be 20 at the end of this year thats so crazy oh my god #we’re growing up :’)