#my partner told me he thinks it's weird when someone likes an old fb post of his when it shows up on their memories but like

[actualdannyfenton]

Right so I'm autistic and I need someone to help me understand if something is acceptable or not. I really really love dp and sometimes I like to deep scroll through things that I've reblogged, and I kinda want to reblog them again bc they're wonderful and I haven't seen them in a while and want to share them again. Is that weird? Like I don't want anyone to feel as though I'm stalking their pages or something, I'm stalking my own if anything, but would people be offput by me reblogging say fanart or fics they posted a few years ago? Please help lol

#this is 100% genuine yall #my partner told me he thinks it's weird when someone likes an old fb post of his when it shows up on their memories but like #it's not like they dug through his stuff to be creepy? it just was there? #idk how to explain any better #not dp #personal #/gen /srs

[szopenhauer]

Are you more positive or a debbie downer? Debbie Downer should be my name lol

What would you love to drink right now? I’m drinking water rn, second mug in a row, my belly is going to explode

Is that an alcoholic drink or not? it’s not this kind of water :P

Oh good. What would you love to eat right now? I’m not hungry...

How many meals do you eat a day? depends

Do you brush your tongue with your tooth brush? sometimes

What are you favorite type of jeans? I’d say skinny even tho I don’t wear jeans anymore ^^”

Do you eat your nails? wait what swallow? ewww I don’t even bite them :o 

Do you enjoy making or taking surveys? taking them more 

Name something that is blue that you like Sadness from Inside out

Name something pink that you like PYNK music video by Janelle Monae? XD

If you could have one more pet, what? meh

If you could sleep next to a tame wild animal what? woah 

Would you rather have an owl or a snake? both are cool

What would you name it? Bowl for owl and for snake either Ksysio or Wonsz żmieja?

Do you eat the ice in your drink? no

Have you ever been addicted to cigarettes? I had one cigarette in my whole life but I still keep a package in my room :x

Which do you use more? Facebook or Instagram? fb, I don’t care for insta 

Do you watch beauty videos on You Tube? nah

Do you like Star Wars? love

What kind of surveys do you like the most? interesting, not just YES or NO questions, I want to go deeper 

Have you ever dropped something down the garbage disposal on accident? omg luckily not 

What CD would you never buy for yourself? anything Justin Bieber for sure

Is sex a must in your life? absolutely not

Would you rather be cute and ugly or hot and stupid? cute and ugly? lmfao ok 

Are you evil in any way? everyone is, more or less

Would you rather be a clown or a garbage man? can’t decide :D

Would you rather be a rockstar or a librarian? librarian but rock star ain’t that bad of a choice ;)

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? again? I just got this question on ask today and that really made me anxious

Did you and your mum ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? sigh... Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? yep but not to my room as I’m super ashamed of it, it’s not what I really want, it’s more like a storage room for mine and my mom’s things, I wish I could move and out and do what I want instead of cleaning this mess just to have it ruined days after, not that I have money now to fix things the way I imagine my bedroom to be someday :( Have you had a good day today or was yesterday better? yesterday was better but today I got a T-shirt so that was a good moment Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend? hospital

Could you date someone very attractive, but who thought they were better than everyone else? blergh, r u kidding me?... Do you always feel like you’re making mistakes? constantly Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? not because of me but someone somewhere definitely has that name on them for another reason How would you feel if you got the person you liked? I'm in a relationship Is there anyone who likes you? it seems If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad? of course  What’s the first thing you heard this morning? you mean a sound (doorbell) or words (I don’t remember)? If you fell pregnant to the last person you kissed, what would you think? not possible Are you young or old? young, at least according to my ID and being childish Are there always other fish in the sea? there are but maybe I don’t want them and/or they don’t want to be catched etc. What can your tongue do? pfft Do chickens have feelings? sorta Do you think the body is the most beautiful thing that was ever made? ...  So how are you feeling today? not good enough Where is your sister right now? don’t know nor care What do you smell like? it’s so hot, I smell like sweat and I can’t stand it but I can’t shower all day long What colour is your mum’s hair? grey  When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? last week Do you like fire? as an element of magic in fantasy movies  Does your mum vacuum early in the morning while you’re asleep? she’s noisy in different ways Does wearing glasses really make people look smart? that’s a lame stereotype Do your band-aids have cartoons on them? they’re useless but one time I bought Moomin ones because I’ve been walking through the store and they fallen right under my feet and there was nobody around nor the shelf/aisle that they could come from so it was weird and I love Moomins so I took them home (I paid) and they’re probably stored somewhere  Have you ever kissed someone you shouldn’t have? what do you mean? Who’s the funniest drunk person you know? my gf apparently - in a cute way - that’s surprising for a teetotalist like me  What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? my tee came! When was the last time you saw your father? he just left for work and I was waving to him through the window which is our tradition  What if your partner went through your cellphone? I have nothing to hide Has anyone ever been with you while you were throwing up? my parents and sister

Robert Downey Jr. — Bet you have a crush on him. he’s handsome but I’d prefer to be him instead of having a crush on sex I’m not attracted to

What would you do if you were to get stuck on a ski lift overnight? ... freeze? and pee myself Have you ever received an anonymous gift? one time when we were really poor that we couldn’t afford food someone left a package under our door, knocked and ran, bless this person whoever knew we have hard times :* What kind of laugh do you have? many kinds that happen randomly Will you have a Valentine next year? I have a bigger chance than any other year before  Macaroon or a cupcake? cupcake Did you kiss or hug anyone today? hug my mom and my dad too Are you currently waiting on someone to do something for you/to you? kinda Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? I’m not in an abusive relationship but I know those who are as it’s common and it’s really sad that ppl think only beating makes relationship toxic Are you planning on going anywhere with someone, some time today? I’ll stay home  Do you find your school to be loaded with hot guys or not so much? I remember E.W. once said that we have a lot of elves around because LOTR movie had very ugly ones as we did in high school, I tried to find that pic someone posted back in the day but I failed, it was from the council from what I remember 

Is there anyone you are currently trying to get out of trouble? Why? mostly I just keep my eye on my father and my mother all the time because of covid (and not only because of it) if that counts Are you plotting anything at the moment? another chapter of the book? Have you ever wanted your significant other to get rid of a friend? because they were evil to them, it wasn’t about ME If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? she moved out :3

Do you have a therapist? no longer Have you ever gotten a good grade in math class? yeah, in middle school I was getting awesome grades in math class What do you think of the last person you texted? we’re dating Have you ever gotten a bloody nose from snorting cocaine? I’ve never done cocaine wtf

Do you post pictures were you look good but your friends look bad? I ask them first  Are you friends with any of your exes? me and one of my exes are together Are you a whiskey person? I’m a no alcohol person

Has anyone ever made fun of your taste in music? tiny bit, wasn’t that bad

Have you ever overflown a bathtub? I have not Have you ever thrown food at a stranger in a movie theater? not in a movie theater Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? somewhat Do you like sour candy? by Lady Gaga  not eat Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? but I don’t drive Is there ever a time that you enjoy cold showers? brrrr no way Are you good at painting nails? am not but it doesn’t matter Are you good at filling silence in awkward situations? doubt it What word should you really probably remove from your vocabulary? kurwa Do you rip out the page if you make a mistake writing, or cross it out? cross it out, if I ripped the page then there would be nothing left  Do you use a full length mirror daily? we don’t own one Can you walk in heels, or do you feel awkward in them? I think they don’t match my style and they’re uncomfy in a long term Mac or PC? PC Will you tell someone if there’s something in their teeth? sorry but probably not Do you ever actually make your bed? when I have guests Do you make an effort to eat healthy? yup The last time you kissed someone, what color of shirt were they wearing? black, that’s easy What’s something you want to purchase next time you’re at the mall? food If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret? money because one regret won’t help me and even might make things worse Are you taller than your mom? almost 10 cm What would you do if your best friend told you they were moving today? my gf - break up  my dad - try to stop him or move out with him You’re locked in a room with the person you last kissed, problems? no problems  Do you have any ‘naughty’ photos on your phone? 0 Could you handle living with a male roommate? my dad, no one else What were you doing at 10:00 this morning? waking up Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? who said we aren’t texting? Do you think you’ll actually live a happy life with somebody? don’t feed my paranoia Connection between you and the last person who messaged you? love Where is your biological father right now? bus/job already Who else is in the room with you? I’m alone Water with ice or no ice? no ice  Are you wrapped in a blanket? too hot for that

Has anyone done anything nice for you today? I’m thankful for all those nice things people do for me - big or small The last time you hung out with your sibling(s), what did you do? took a walk

Do you usually bring or buy a lunch for school? bring

The last time you had sex, was it in their bed or yours? their

How old were you when you figured out you were definitely straight, or bi, or whatever? middle school was the beginning 

Do you fit in at work or in school? I was always an outcast

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “Oh God, Ew.”? 99% of time

Have you ever cried at a real wedding? nope

Is there someone you need to forgive? *annoyed sound*

What’s your brother(s) / sister(s) names? personal

Suppose you saw your crush/bf/gf kissing another girl/guy, what would you do? why tho

What is your favorite color for bridesmaid dresses? whatever bridesmaid wanna wear besides white

Do you have a secret crush right now? it’s no secret

Do you know anyone who doesn’t want to have kids? me

Would you rather visit Tokyo or Paris? dunno

Do you think you would like living in New York or Chicago? Why or why not? too overcrowded/loud etc.

Name 3 celebrities who are the same height as you. Lady Gaga, Ellen Page, Reese Witherspoon

Are you happy with your height? I’d like to be taller, not too much tho

Do you have big or small hands? small

Have you been baptized?  I have been 

Have you ever been abused in any way? sadly

Do you like unicorns? they’re fine

Is there one book you have read over and over again because it’s so good? if so, which is it? I don’t reread books

Do you play games on your phone a lot? recently I became obsessed with LOVE ISLAND game 

Have you ever had to put out a kitchen fire? my mom took care of it but it wasn’t a big deal tbh

Have you ever been kidnapped? wut

Do you have anything glow in the dark in your room? stars

Do you wear a scarf, if so, what does it look like? not rn

Is there a video or computer game that you can get lost in for hours? mhm but not too long

Do you get breadsticks with your pizza? breadsticks and pizza? it’s like bread with bread - no thx

Did you ever have a waterbed? I hate those

What toy from your childhood do you miss? rubber toys?

Did you sleep in late today? yes

When was the last time you were disappointed? this day

Do you like listening to love songs? I like a variety of music which includes love songs

In your group of friends, are you the smart one, athletic one, etc.? funny mom friend... ok, fine, a dad because my puns are daddy jokes

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? no but they said bad things about me behind my back

Did you ever watch the show Full House? with my sister What was the last thing that scared you? how I feel physically Do the librarians at your library know you by name? they do

What ten people would you most likely bring on a roadtrip? 10 ppl?! shoot me...

Is there anything you’re really stressed out about right now? health issues

What was the last thing that made you cry? I’m about to cry...

What are the last three songs you listened to? Crystal Castles - Suffocation  frnkiero andthe cellabration - neverenders  Major Lazer - Be Together (Feat. Wild Belle)

[prorevenge]

The Mean Girls club gets destroyed

So a while back I had the joy of stopping around 5 girls who had been openly using and abusing people. Most of them ended up losing partners and almost all their friends one lost their job two went to jail and they all lost their social status.

So context, years ago I worked in a large corporate store, trust me you would know if I told you the name. Now during this time I was in a dark place emotionally for various reasons and was very much a loaner which led to me being a target for this one girl (let’s call her CS for cos-play slut) now I know it sounds terrible me calling her that but really it’s what she was and trust me as this story goes on you’ll see why.

Now she quickly befriends me and gets me to help with video editing and photo shots I say yes as at the time I was trying to get into content creation and figured it’d help and I was a very lonely depressed virgin at the time and any girl showing interest in me made my brain go crazy. Looking back I kick myself for letting her use me that way but I was stupid and didn’t know better. This girl used me for everything from making me edit videos for her and her friends totaling around 3 or 4 videos a day all with different styles and length to getting up early to help with shoots that had to be done at sun up to get “the magic hour”. (I know it’s a real thing but still not the best thing to spend your day doing when your days off are spent making videos)

As well as using my help for her online stuff she used me for a lot of other things rides to her “meetings” with potential photographers (she never picked her them she was just sleeping with them) to buying her movie tickets that’d she would go to claim being alone with me in a theatre made her nervous so I’d have to wait outside for then I’d have to buy her food on a daily basis at work then if we ever did anything outside of it.

Now I know this sounds like I was the worlds biggest cuck and yeah I was. I had no self confidence as previously stated was a virgin with very little ability to socialize and never learned to choose how and when to give my help. So I was an easy target for all this, my parents tried to warn me against it but i didn’t listen and even at one point told her I liked her only for her to laugh in my face.

This went on for months in that time I quit content creation but was still editing her videos and was always doing something for her. One day while she was having me buy her supplies for another cosplay we ran into another girl whom we will call RB (random bitch) she was nice enough very energetic at first and I felt like we could get along so we exchanged info and became friends on fb. Afterwards CS told me how she was in a relationship and not to try and hit on her not even talk to her because I gave off a “creeper” vibe.

I only mention that interaction before this next one because it is chronological and because it was the first time I can ever trace back to the two of them working together against me. So after that CS starts going after another guy not gonna give him a special name but let’s just say he was terrible I mean really bad. Him and CS meet up once bang them he tells her all these lies about emotional damage and how they have to keep things a secret but still wants to be together. She believes him but he ghosts her she gets worried and has me look into from my end with an old friend. Now here two things happen that to this day I’m happy happened because it let me later on get my revenge the first was I created a second fb account pretending to be a girl the next was CS gave me full access to her fb.

Now like I said this dude was bad news he was cheating on her didn’t even need to catfish him just sent him a friend request and got dp back. Then I learned from some friends he did this serially and then ran across a girl who after I asked her about him responded “that’s the man that raped me don’t contact me again.”

I gathered all this evidence and brought it to CS and she flat out refused to believe it was real claiming I had faked it and was just jealous of him and that she and I were never going to be friends again. I said ok and we stopped being friends.

Now then that was my interaction with CS, after we broke off our friendship I started messaging RB and we became friends little did I know the real story behind them. I’ll be quicker with this than with RB but to put it lightly she was worse she would constantly have me just give her money and buy her things like expensive things. I never felt like I could say no because if I did she would give a sob story about her sad childhood and me being a bleeding heart would cave.

This went on for two years during which time I got a lot better more self confident and a better all around person but i always would go back to my sad self when she would belittle me. Finally I had had enough I told her to stop messaging me and we weren’t friends anymore. She took it hard dragging my name thru the mud at the end of it I had one friend left.

Skip ahead two months and I’m feeling way better I’m smiling more often no longer wanna take my own life and am feeling great. But I was still upset about everything that had happened but couldn’t do anything that was until I got bored one day and was looking thru my phone and saw something interesting. CS’s account was still logged into my phone a second profile. On a lark I tried opening it it let me she hadn’t changed her password and had given it permission to just sign in.

I thought I was just gonna have a weird voyeuristic look into her life but what I found was even worse a fb group that was literally called “Mean Girls Club” in it I found 5 girls including RB and CS all talking about what they were getting guys to buy them and do for them. It was horrid to look at I scrolled up and up and up all the way to the first message and it went back years. I don’t know how but these 5 had been doing it for so long it was crazy.

It was then I started to form a plan. The first thing I did was screen shot everything and when I mean everything I mean I had thousands of pictures from this including but not limited to pictures of stuff they had bought or had bought for them. Nudes of their partners or of people they were interested in and then the biggest one a shared drop box folder filled with pictures and videos of them doing a lot of nasty stuff I mean really bad. Apparently this whole thing was set up so that none of them could stop nor back down at anytime due to the blackmail Dropbox and the fact the rest of the group would back the others.

I know this is crazy to understand but let me put it this way from what I gathered to OG group was a total of 8 girls and 1 guy the numbers that left all were told they would be ruined and boy was it bad. I read about them making some of the people leaving lose their jobs and families falsely accusing the one guy of rape of which if what they said was true he was forced to move to another state because of the rumors.

On top of that they ruined a local store making them go out of business and then getting another guy thrown in jail after they accused him of attacking one of them. I can list plenty of what they did that was bad but mostly all of it was them bragging about guys they were using for stuff and money and what they could get them to buy them. I of course was on there as was everything I ever bought them totaling around 5500 over two years. The two of them CS and RB were so proud of what they did.

I was astonished by what had happened and was honestly very hurt by it all I knew they were bitches but nothing of this level. So I did what anybody would do I turned them against each other. The first thing I did was use my fake profile to enter into the group chat under the guise of a friend of CS’s. Took some time and creative use of the two profiles but I did it then moved onto insight some war by messaging each of them about the others of the course of a month I had them all suspicious of each other with some he said she said then I struck with one reveal.

I sent RB’s bf a message from CS’S profile in sighting them to openly flirt then took a step back and told RB about it. All the while with my fake profile I told CS that RB wanted to burn her by sending out her blackmail then I messaged the rest relaying info on the upcoming conflict telling them to prepare to burn another person if someone else struck (think start of world war 1 but with 20 something girls). 3 hours was all it took from went that past message went out to the first “bomb” fell. It was glorious each one destroying the other telling significant others about lies cheating and theft. Jobs being called about misuse of company property and inappropriate behavior in the work place. Full on sex tapes were posted to tons of porn sites.

It was three months later that the dust cleared everyone but CS had deleted their social media accounts. It was then that CS started in on my fake account demanding for some form a of repayment stating she had never added me to the the group and that no one had had any dirt on me so I was unscathed. I responded with “Well let’s just say I’m a bitch, the names Karma.”

I deleted the profile and lost the login info for CS. I keep the Dropbox stuff though and screenshots since I’m sure if they ever put two and two together they could guess who I was. But now a full year later nothing.

I’ve not been able to know more then the basic repercussions of this sense I didn’t know the other three personally but RB ended up homeless for a few months before going to jail sense some of the blackmail was a video of her doing drugs while skipping a court date about drug use (she openly stated in the video the date and that the courts could suck it and told them later she was helping a friend go thru some hard time to get an extension) jail due to her breaking parole and lying to a judge. CS lost her day job and all but around 30 of over 5k followers as well as her bf who she was cheating on then he back up bf since she was cheating on him with another guy who was just in it for the sex. Last I heard she moved back in with her parents and can’t keep a job due to her running into people who know what happened.

TL:DR Got emotionally and financially used by two girls and then made their mean girl chat destroy each other’s lives.

PS if rslash is reading this hope you know you inspired me to share this because your vids are amazing.

(source) story by (/u/notmine1337)

#prorevenge #by /u/notmine1337 #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

[lovemesomesurveys]

Is there anyone at your work that you want to just deck in the face? * I dont have a job, but there isnt anyone in general that I feel like punching <<< Last thing you drank? Water. Last thing that pissed you off! Health related things. Last thing that made you feel better *sigh* Why the “sigh”? Anyway, a trip to the beach would help. For the time I was there, at least. Something you did differently today that wasn’t so bad It’s only 1:37AM, I haven’t done much so far except for a few surveys. That’s not anything different.

Last plans that were ruined because of things you can’t control My mom and I wanted to visit my aunt a few weeks ago, but I wasn’t able to go because I was having a flare up. How old are you? 30. Someone’s YouTube that annoys the crap out of you I don’t watch any that annoy me. You are lucky because I’m blessed because I have my family, a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, clothes on my back, and food to eat. What kind of jeans are you favorite? Skinny jeans. Man, I haven’t worn jeans in like 2 years, though. I only wear leggings now. Mini skirts, slutty or stylish? They can be cute, but it’s not my style. I don’t feel comfortable wearing them. Do you like a partner who is clean cut or rugged? Clean cut, but I do like some scruff. Pale or tan, which would you rather be? I’d like to be tan. What if you were drastically what you’d rather be overnight? Cool. Habit with health concerns by society that u have Uhh. Do smartass sarcastic old folks piss you off? * Idk. I kind of enjoy the “smartass” personality bc its amusing as long as it isnt malicious. My old friend Denise was such a smartass and I loved her <<< Yeah, I get what you mean. It depends. What about little kids that want to be gangstas? Just stop. What do you think about Hipster? I don’t care. Scene? Is that still a trend? I feel like I don’t see it anymore, but maybe that’s because I’m old now. What do you think about “Juggalos” and “Juggalettes”? I don’t get the whole Insane Clown Posse thing. lol that’s funny. Something that you won’t even try No other drug besides weed, which I’ve done. Do u blog? You’re lookin’ at it. Tweet? Yeah. FB? I rarely post anything anymore, but I scroll the feed and like some stuff here. Myspace? Myspace has been dead for a long time, time to let go. What do you think about that G6 song? It’s old now, but still catchy. Is walking cats strange? ( like walking dogs ) That does seem weird. What about kids on leashes? What do you think about that? I mean, I can see how it would be helpful. In a super crowded place, it would be easy to lose grip of their little hand and it would get very tiring pretty quick if you had to carry them. Strollers can be a nuisance in really crowded places too, so for a toddler I can see the benefit of the leash. Only for that age group, though. We are all the same is bullshit is it not? Clearly we’re not all the same. Will the world end in 2012? That’s next year. That was 7 years ago and we’re still here. No one but God knows when the world will end. What lip balm do you use to keep your lips moist? EOS. I bought a vaseline lip balm recently, but I haven’t used it, yet. How many piercings have you had, BESIDES ears, no one cares. Well that’s all I got, sorry. New tats in your near future? I don’t have any tats. I’ve wanted 1 for several years, but I doubt I’ll ever get it done. How about piercings or re-piercings? No. Who would you like to hang out with? No one. Next new thing you are wanting to try! Nothing comes to mind right now. If your skinny you are underweight true or false? You can be thin but not underweight. I’m underweight, though. Being told to eat more is as offensive as being told to eat less. TF? I just hate it because it’s like clearly it’s an issue for me. It’s not that easy. If I could just “eat more”, I would. It’s not that simple. Even if I could eat more, I’d still have a hard time putting on weight. I have a fast metabolism, so I’ve always been thin, but not as thin as I am now. That happened due to health reasons and because of that I haven’t been able to gain any weight. It’s been a real struggle these past few years with health issues and eating/appetite issues on top of it. Would you wear short shorts, long socks and converse? No.  Do converse look/feel uncomfortable to you? I like them.  Your young but your life isn’t distracted by a cell phone. TF? I’m 30, I’m old.  What kind of deodorant do you use? Secret in powder fresh scent. Thing that bothers you. A lot of things. A dream of yours. I just want to be in a good place health wise. Can one create a masterpiece with a ballpoint pen? Yeah? Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. He crossed over. He died. Do you say sorry a lot? Yes. Do you believe that you can feel energy from others from their thoughts? Not from their thoughts, I can’t get inside someone’s head, but I feel their energy through other things. Would you ever visit a psychic medium? No. If you would, what would you wanna know? Absolutely nothing. I don’t believe in that stuff. Do you get creeped out easily? You could say that. Ever scared the crap out of someone and laughed hysterically after? Yes. Do you type homerow? No. Are some days a waste of makeup? I very rarely wear makeup anymore. It’s been awhile. I don’t know if I have at all this year... Do you have acne? I’ll get a pimple or two now and then. I had it worse as a teenager and in my early 20s. Then it just cleared up, thankfully. My skin is still shitty, though. It’s so dry. Halloween costume. I don’t dress up anymore for Halloween. Diet soda yay or nay? I can drink Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper. I’d rather just drink the regular kind, though. Would you buy a Coach bag? No.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[zestycactus]

🏳️‍🌈 pride q&a

❤sexuality: Bisexual

🧡pronouns: she/her/hers

💛gender: Female

💚relationship status: long term monogamous relationship (together for 8 years)

💙celebrity crush: Lol idk

💜best friend: I have many!

💙when did you come out?: I think the first time I came out was on the message forum that I went to a lot as a teen. I was about 14 at the time. I got some crappy comments but mostly supportive.

💚first person you came out to: Oh see above lol

💛first partner/S.O.: My first boyfriend was a guy I was sort of interested in when I was about 16. I was interested in him at the time but in hindsight I think I just wanted to try dating someone lol. I ended up breaking it off with him partly because he was going away to university and partly because I didn’t really see a long term future with him. When I broke it off I also told him I was questioning my sexuality and that I might be a lesbian (he already knew I was bi). Interestingly enough he sent me this weird fb message a couple years ago about how he regretted letting our relationship fizzle out and blah blah blah. I ignored the message but interesting how he never referenced me questioning my sexuality lol 🤔 and after all that, funny enough that I’m more comfortable than ever identifying as bi.

🧡ever had a crush on a straight person: I think this question is more directed at lesbian and gay folks because I’m bisexual and my partner is literally straight lol. But I have had crushes on straight female friends and acquaintances before who weren’t interested.

❤️fallen for a friend: Yup. See above

💛 best LGBTQ+ friend: I am truly Blessed to have a lot of close friends who are part of the lgbt community!!

@serena-waldorf and I have bonded a lot over going to local bi-related support group meetings, attending other queer-focused events and even just talking amongst ourselves about “Bi stuff”. Plus we have a lot of other things in common and it’s always fun to hang out together! I’m so glad we reconnected over the last couple years!

I have another friend who isn’t out publicly but after many years of strong friendship came out to me as Bi and now our friendship has grown even deeper as we can talk about it and share experiences/frustrations as well. ☺️ 🏳️‍🌈

And lastly special shout-out to @obslivian who is not bi but is part of the queer community. So not only were they one of the first queer folks I ever knew personally but back when I was with my unsupportive ex (and in the fallout period after I dumped him) and was less comfortable talking about my sexuality/being out publicly, they still stuck by me and was a great and supportive friend. I will never forget hanging out in your old apartment and talking about queer issues and stuff and you always included me in the queer community with “we” and “us” statements. In a time where I talked about my sexuality almost never that meant more to me than I can ever really convey in this silly questionnaire lol. But thank you, friend!!

💚person that made you doubt your sexuality: does the above ramble about my high school boyfriend count?? Lol. I never had a “straight” phase I always figured I was bi or lesbian. I guess like I mentioned above being in a relationship with a guy I wasn’t super into made me question if I was ever really into guys in the first place. But a few isolated incidents plus meeting and getting to know my partner and being attracted to him as soon as we’d met and instantly feeling romantic chemistry between us has made me pretty sure I am actually bi at this point lol.

💙proud of your sexuality: Yes!

💜comfortable with your sexuality: there are a few specific folks irl I’m not very comfortable talking about it with but overall yes and just for a pure sense of self absolutely yes.

💙describe yourself: I am a boring person lol

💚 LGBTQ+ hero: Miley Cyrus

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2019/02/224981/miley-cyrus-queer-relationship-liam-hemsworth

“The reason that people get married sometimes can be old-fashioned, but I think the reason we got married isn’t old-fashioned — I actually think it’s kind of New Age. We’re redefining, to be fucking frank, what it looks like for someone that’s a queer person like myself to be in a hetero relationship. A big part of my pride and my identity is being a queer person," she told Vanity Fair.

“Being someone who takes such pride in individuality and freedom, and being a proud member of the LGBTQ+ community, I’ve been inspired by redefining again what a relationship in this generation looks like. Sexuality and gender identity are completely separate from partnership."

💛favorite part of being LGBTQ+: as @serena-waldorf said, “women are hot AF” lmao. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be straight and not be attracted to women. I feel so blessed to have this experience of being able to love and feel attraction without barriers due to gender, etc, and I also love the sense of community and unity I feel when I participate in LGBT events, attend support group meetings, post in fb groups, etc. I’ve forged a lot of close friendships where we’ve bonded over our similar experiences as part of the queer community (and even in cases of not being similar “flavours” of queer, just to have that common bond of “not being cis and straight”.)

🧡advice to younger you: it’s okay to be 90% attracted only to women and still be bisexual. Also dump your unsupportive second boyfriend lol.

❤️do you ever wish you weren’t LGBTQ+: nope! My life is much richer for it and I wouldn’t be the same person if I wasn’t.

🏳️‍🌈

#lgbt #q&a #personal

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #170

this one’s a few days old and am just getting to posting it. don’t feel like rereading to change some old answers tho.

Do you tell your best friend everything? What might you omit? If she asked about a subject, I'd tell her. I wouldn't just be like "hey here's a little factoid I don't like talking about." Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Yes. In your current or most recent romantic relationship, do/did you feel as though one of you settled? Not at all. What did your ex (or one of your exes) consider to be a dealbreaker in you? My depression. What seemingly small change have you made to improve your life this year? More drive to be an adult. Make the decision to try as hard as mentally possible to be more open about myself and not so scared of being found as "too weird." Does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness or substance abuse? Don't get me started on the first. I only know of my dad being a recovered alcoholic. What is the biggest gap in your employment history? How did/will you explain it to future employers? 0-19ish. Wasn't in the mental state to. Is there any part of your sexual/romantic history that you have not told your current significant other about or that you will not tell future partners about? She knows a lot. There's just one thing I'm not comfortable talking about yet. There's nothing I absolutely won't tell at any point - if you're in a serious relationship, they have the right to know. Has anyone ever tried to change your mind about something very personal, such as religion or wanting children? Children, yes. Colleen especially was convinced I was going to change my mind to an annoying degree. People have pushed me being a vet a whole lot, too. Do you ever hear about old school friends? Where are you high school friends now? Well, through FB. Most have stable jobs, some are extremely intelligent students headed towards amazing careers, some are parents. Most fell off the face of the earth. What is the most fun you can remember ever having under the influence? Cards Against Humanity. Has your Facebook relationship status ever been set to 'it’s complicated’? Why? Nooooo, and I seriously wish that option didn't even exist. Drama bait, whether intentional or not. What is the most beautiful/interesting name that you’ve ever personally known someone to have? Alon. Have you ever developed feelings for someone whose sexual orientation was incompatible with yours? Yes. How many relationships have you been in that actually got sexual? One. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost? Me?????????????? At a party?????????????????????? What is your strongest sense? Maybe you don't count this because it's not a "real" sense, but I would say I have an incredibly strong "sixth sense" of just knowing when something is wrong, even with people I don't know well. I pick up bad emotions easily. But if you're just talking sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell, I suppose smell? Or taste. Could be why I'm so picky. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child? There is NO telling. I believed some wild shit. HAHAHA OH MY GOD WAIT NO I BELIEVED I HAD "ANIMAL POWERS" UNTIL THE END OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Like, I could go into a "mode" where I had capabilities like those in certain animals, like with kangaroo powers, I could jump higher. God that was so embarrassing to write jfc what the fuck was I on. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know? Mom. She gives food, water, and sometimes money to homeless people she trusts as actually being without a home. There are two or three people she's actually "friends" with. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on? A V O I D What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will? I make situations awkward. Just social anxiety in general. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone? Okay, so I don't think I believe in angels, and I'm 99% sure this was a dream by now. But once as a little kid, I have a *very* strong memory of getting out of bed and going outside because I felt I needed to see something, and two swans came to the porch, turning into my grampa and favorite cat that had died. Then I went back inside, and that's all I remember. Still to this day that shit didn't feel like a dream, but. It probably was. What do you think about more than anything else? The future. What’s your all-time favorite town or city? Why? I dunno. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be? The friendship with Megan. Do you Skype? With Sara. Have you ever called anyone ‘bro’ other than your actual brother? I'll call p much anyone that. Have you ever blocked someone on MySpace before? Maybe? What is the best kind of pizza in your opinion? Pan meat lovers omfg. Stick with jalapeno tho with trying to at least lean towards vegetarianism. Is there something that someone has done to you that you cannot forgive? Eh... I think I've forgiven him. Do you scream at scary parts in a horror flick? No. What is your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? No. Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. How do you feel about weed? I'm totally for it medicinally. Helps with too many things. Otherwise, for reasons I've said in many old surveys, I don't believe it should be smoked. We already complain enough about cigarettes and lung cancer. How many people have you kissed that you weren’t dating? None. Who was the last person that ditched you? How did you react? Mini, I guess. Was hurt as fuck for years until I recently confronted her, and we're cool now. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt is like... my only male friend besides Dad. What size are the pants you’re wearing? Large, probably? Were you a fan of Michael Jackson before he died? I went neither way. Liked some songs, didn't like some, no opinion on others. Can you spot constellations in the night sky? Only the Big or Little Dipper. I dunno the difference. What kind of shampoo did you last use? I dunno exactly. Mom just put some in a smaller, nameless bottle for while I'm at Sara's. It's probably Suave, though. If you had a hippie bus, what would it look like? Gimme all the peace signs and trippy patterns. Have you ever hitchhiked? No. Would you rather hike a mountain or explore a cave? EXPLORE A CAVE BITCH Would you rather wear a flower crown or veil? For my wedding, probably a veil. I can't see a flower crown going with a (probably) black dress lmao. Do you go barefoot often? I'm always barefoot in the house, but outside, I always have shoes. What is your favorite thing to get high off of? N/A What type of tattoo do you want? Most of the ones I want hold personal meaning. There's few I want to get for solely aesthetic purposes. What is your favorite insect? Butterflies. Favorite constellation? *shrug* Beach wedding, forest wedding, or English countryside wedding? Forest! Does pineapple belong on pizza? NO. Do you have any big plans for November? No. What upcoming event are you most looking forward to? Christmas. I doubt Halloween's gonna be anything I'd like it to be. What was the last song you heard? "Letter" by Mother Mother is on. Compared to someone else of your age and gender; do you feel that you have a lot to offer someone? HAHAHAHA NO. How many days a week do you work? N/A Is there ONE person you feel more connected to than others? Sara and Mom. Where did your eye color come from? Mom's dad had blue eyes, I think. Have you ever been in a recording studio? No. What is your worst relationship quality? I'm paranoid. I'm that "do you still like me?" person after marriage, I'm sure. What was your most recent serious injury? Does sun poisoning from Hell itself count? When was the last time you baked something for someone? Never lmao. Would you rather be kissed on the neck or on the lips? I mean it depends on the mood. What is one thing you’re not looking forward to in the next week? I'm going home Wednesday. Would you consider Christmas your favorite holiday? Second-fave. How many chances do you normally give someone before giving up on them? Way too fucking many. But it also depends on the offense and person. Did you parents know what gender you were before you were born? Yeah. Are you for or against inter-racial relationships? Totally for. Would you say you’re more of a pessimist or optimist? I'm definitely a realist, but if I had to pick, I lean more towards pessimism. Have you ever been addicted to something unhealthy? No. When the holidays come around, do you watch holiday movies? Not really. Would you say you’re a friendly person or not so much? I think I'm very friendly, just shy and awkward socially. When was the last time you ate something from Burger King? LEMME TELL YOU THIS SHIT. Months ago, I went for a veggie burger. THESE. IDIOTS. Put all the normal shit BUT NO PATTY IN A FUCKING BUN. WHEN THEY HAVE ACTUAL VEGGIE PATTIES. We waited forever, so Mom was already in a bad mood. She went in and the manager was livid; she gave us a free drink and fries. BUT, the burger fucking sucked, it was so overcooked. Sooo that was fun. When someone mentions a song, does it make you wanna listen to it? Rarely if it's a song I don't know, unless I like the artist. Song title may interest me, too. Who is the nosiest person you know? Do you like them anyways? BITCH ME. Are you one of those people who like The Nightmare Before Christmas? Okay so, I first watched it in school and I didn't like it at all. Then I started loving it??? I have like sooo much Jack stuff. What’s the best food to have at a sleepover? Pizza! Do you like the yellow Cheetos better or the orange ones? You mean normal or hot? Gimme them spicy boiz. Do you know anybody with different colored eyes? No. Are any of your relatives vets? Don't believe so. Who cleans the most in your house? Mom. I really need to do it more. Do you own any shirts that cost over 100$? Jfc no. What about any shoes? Do you think that’s a lot of money for clothes? No, and obviously. What’s the movie theater in your town called? Uhhh I think Cinemax? How many minutes do you consider late? Over five. What kinds of food do you dunk into milk? Some cookies. Do you have any current or past teachers on your Facebook friends? No. Are there any baby pictures of you up? On FB? No. Do you have any friends who have bleached blonde hair? Maybe Alon still does, idk. Are you wearing any jewelry that a boyfriend/girlfriend gave you? No. Have you ever seen the last person you kissed cry? Yeah. What’s the last thing you were excited to eat? A donut sobs. Who's the most romantic person you ever went out with? I dunno... none were/are like especially romantic. Is there anything hanging from the ceiling in your room? Some Pyramid Head gift tags, a stuffed fae dragon from WoW, and a cool lantern. Have you ever seen the last person you hugged dressed up fancy? Not in person, but in pictures. (If your parents married), Do you know where they got engaged? No. What was the last picture you printed of? The reference I made of my tattoo for the artist. What restaurant has the best fries? Bojangle's the Queen. What does your mailbox look like? Just a basic black one. Have you ever gotten something stuck on the roof? Probs as a kid. Does your computer make a lot of noise? Not really. Unless it's overheating. Who did you last drink or smoke up with? Mom and Sara. How many board games do you own? Idk, there's just a few in a cabinet in the living room. What does your BIGGEST mug look like? We don't have any really big ones. Newest musical discovery? I really love Powerwolf. Last thing you cleaned? Clothes. What exactly do you carry around all your stuff in? Purse. What do you carry around, typically? Phone, iPod, wallet, hand sanitizer, keys... Where is your newest scar? There's still a little scab on the bottom of my tat from heavy shading, but it's almost healed. If you mean like, "real" scar, cat scratch on my right hand. Where is your oldest scar? Ummm probably this random one on the top of my right wrist. No clue where it came from, been there for years. Last thing you disposed of? A bottle, I think? Are you good at recovering from injuries? I dunno. How many different public restrooms have you used this week? I think just one, at the reptile convention. Do you have more piercings or tattoos? Currently tied at six, but piercings the day I get home and get my tongue redone. What color and type is your vehicle? N/A Looking to upgrade or add any time soon? N/A What animal do you have the most possessions *of*, or featuring? Meerkats. What do you use to wash your dishes? Ugh, hands, gross. I refuse to have my own home that doesn't have a dishwasher. Last thing you measured? Ummm probably water when I was making ramen. Last thing you weighed? Myself. Do you talk to your parent(s) [almost] every day? Ma, yes. Last person to tell you that you smell good? Sara although I don't see how, I needed a shower. @_@ Last person you told that they smell good? Sara. How many iPhones have you had? One, I think? Last person you ran into unexpectedly? Good question. Last compliment you received on your appearance? Uhhh idk. On your character/personality? Sara's mom pointed out this morning that she liked how I watch out for Sara and reminded her to call the library (applied there) and it made me so happy alkdjowie. Her approval is important to me. Do you remain friends with anyone you met at your first job? No. Woulda liked to, but. How many chargers do you have for your current cell phone? One, though Mom's fits mine, too. Do you have a good work/life balance? N/A Have you ever ordered pizza online? Yeah. Do you own a treadmill? No, but I want one. Have you ever signed up for a gym membership? Yeah. What color was the last fish you had? I couldn't tell you. Is there a garbage can in your room? What color is it? No. Have you ever read in the bathtub? I may've as a kid? Does your animal sleep with you? Roman, pretty much always. Rarely Teddy, but hhe doesn't like getting off the bed; I put him on it if he wants, so getting down's the only thing. Have you ever had to wear a hairnet? I think I have, but I don't recall for what? How many favorites do you have on YouTube? Holy shit idk. I used to favorite almost anything I liked, though for like a year or so now I've been really picky with what I favorite because it's become a playlist I go to that I know will cheer me up or are just videos I find very important. What kind was the last chip you ate? Uhhhh Lays, p sure. What is your favorite song to play on Guitar Hero or Rockband? I physically cannot play "Hotel California" by the Eagles without moving in some sort of way or singing.  The fucking solo ahhhhhhhhhh goosebumps every time.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

[wittywordsmithlostingray-blog]

Random

It seems witches are replacing the mermaid craze in trend lemming chicks. All this bru-hahah! And oh, lemme insert this into a band name! It’s timeless! Y’ok! Suddenly the “Craft,” movie has a new following. It seems everyone is so pre-occupied in being someone else. Everyone, anyone seems like a better alternative, right?!

Oh, let me just pretend I’m a Dodo bird or any other extinct or mythical creature! Unicorns are the new snowflakes. Every upcycle on pop trends just irks me. When will it be “cool,” to care and be a kind human being?! When will people examine their lives and arrive at reasons for their being. It seems I walk next to a centaur fused with a platypus and whatever new item that raises people’s heads up from their phones. Oh but I don’t. People just push their version of, “shock value,” for a double take, a head turn, anything selfie-able to record somewhere in someone’s mind, how “unique,” they are. How about we go back to how common kindness should be !? Be unique in doing it! Make a twitter account for Kindness and create a crowd fund account and always pay into it!? That’s timeless! That’s sexy! So popularize it! 

Today is Mexican Mother’s Day (5/10/17). I miss my Mom. We’ve had a conflictual relationship all my life but I think Menopause helped her to calm down somewhat. Today is the only day that I’m cool with chicks calling me a Mamacita (Hot girl who is not a Mother, it’s also said in other contexts but not today). My Mom put me in private school and what I take away from my Christian education is the missionary work. I really enjoyed helping to feed orphans in Tijuana and that’s where my kind (my tribe) of kind started. I later built homes in Americorps for Habitat for Humanity, feed the Homeless on my home front, made military care packages, tithed and raised money for underdeveloped countries and missionary scholarships. My Mom instilled in me that no matter how much you have, someone will always have less and to humble myself and be grateful for the clean water, electricity, food and miscellaneous add ons that I have. 

I used to be into fashion and was very creative with textiles (my grandma was a seamstress and my uncle a fashion designer in L.A). I used to spend money frivolously on fine dining, clothes, technology and travel. I don’t really care about those things anymore. They lost their luster. I still see the appeal to it but I’m more transfixed on souls now. Being a Christian, we always strived to improve and be as “Christ like,” as possible. Now I see it as, the best version of ourselves, our highest good. I never like to ask for money but I was required to for a suicide prevention event I’m volunteering for. I put my goal at a meager $25 and two donors advanced me at reaching my goal at 240% I cried. I cried because I do not ask for help because I feel I have to be self sufficient and because people have let me down more times than my heart is willing to forget and then a stranger gives and a friend I am not close to. That friend was with me on the few times I wanted to commit suicide, myself so it just added to my flow of tears. 

In just writing this, I am remembering how much God has blessed me and even though I feel victimized very often (latest is someone breaking into our rent drop box to steal resident checks and my co-worker reaching into my bag and stealing my medical gloves and grinching the gloves from their designated box), I need to remember that he has always stood in to protect me. Like clockwork, the moon lines up to my moon (my menses) and my emitted pheromones run very high. Past lovers contact me and guys (even from their cars) cat call and try their primitive mating tactics on me. 

I had a blog here 4 years ago and I learned of nympho ninjas through here and well, tumblr is mainly used in that way now; for porn but that’s not what NN is. A friend from L.A had made mention that my hyperlink to my tumblr on my Instagram was broken and when was I going to re-activate it again? Since I’ve felt the need to get a lot off my bouncing Bust! I re-activated one. I didn’t think anyone but that friend who see this because IG is like a scroll of picture slideshow. I mean, who visits the page unless they want to add you?! Well, my old spirit guide did and was offended. He didn’t like me taking up tantra with someone new. I’ve had 2 tantric twins. Tantra transcendence is not something you go into, it calls you and it originally did not involve sexual involvement. You can’t carry it out with just anyone. I communicate with him in ESP like that handful of other individuals I have this ability with. I was upset at first because I felt like he was making my blog about him. I’m not writing to anyone. It’s dead air or space and I have typos and just write as fast as I think it. Still, I feel compelled to go to a different blog hosting site like word press or something. I’m censored on FB by my Mom and family. I can’t post just anything on IG bc I have my sister-in-law and some co-workers on there. I just wanted to have a platform where I could freely not be filtered. I’m kind of over Instagram now that everyone and their Mom is on there. I kind of liked it when I had it more to myself. I stumbled on, “Ello,” and I think I might dwell there instead. Sometimes going against the grain feels better. When too many have caught on to what you’ve been a part of for years, I just want to let it go, let them have it and start anew, somewhere else. 

I feel a little weird with the amount of people from my past that I was in contact with today. I texted my ex husband after 7 months of no contact. It was refreshing that his response was as I expected. That guy always had a way of creating levity in darkness. I miss the me (not all aspects but, the merriment of our adventure back then) I was with him and I miss a few former flames often enough. I used to feel this way about my brothers when they took up partners but then they had children and now I don’t miss my childhood with them so much because it extended through their kids. My Mom said that she told my 3 y.o nephew that his tia (aunt) came to visit him. He didn’t register that she meant past tense so he roamed the halls shouting for me, looking around each bend. That melted my heart. I have immense, unconditional love for my twin nieces and nephew. To them, I am a fun, taller child who plays piano, takes them on park outings in the radio flyer, stacks lincoln logs and legos with them, plays hide and go seek (under their game changer rules). I do these activities with them but even in stillness when they rest on my lap and I read or when they eat in their high chair and I feed, they stop and look at me and smile. They see my soul and they are tender in a hiccup laugh that follows. Their little hands reach for mine because they think they’re the strongest, they look at me and think I’m perfect, that I’m important and they see my arms as strong enough to hold them but gentle enough to sway their discomfort away.  They see in me what I don’t see in myself and still I gravitate toward them, not for the appraisal within those actions, but because I love them for no reason and they love me without reason. Neither of us have to, we just do. 

The Disney, “Dumbo,” clip, “Baby Mine,” song always makes me a blubbering mess over it. Since first viewing it, at 4, the Circus was not something I wanted to patronize and my affinity of elephants expanded from there. I used to have an ele-friend. I don’t now. I just realized how therapeutic these entries have been. It’s as if I’ve fast tracked my suffocated down tears to flow again. I think I’ve cried at some point with every entry. For some reason, this medium is where I’m being called to be in and since I don’t want to offend people, I will vacate premise and take up a new home (undisclosed) but I just need to keep doing this. I need to keep writing from my soul. It recalibrates me. For these, I’m not a grammar girl, my run ons and inappropriate placements of punctuation and typos go, anything goes! I’m not a victim of “Forced PC,” here. I can accept my thoughts as I read them and that’s the only affirmation and validation I need. This is a film projector for me and the reel is my writing. Here, I am me and readers don’t have to like it, they can back off my blog. It’s not that I’m bullied to leave. I think I may be exposing myself too much if people I know really are visiting this. They don’t know these thought patterns or sides to me. I don’t owe anything to my old spirit guide. Maybe it’s because I’m tired or (insert whatever other speculation here) but I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m not saying “No more nice girl,” or no to being nice. That stays. I’m saying that I don’t care anymore. To the person who texted me that has this link, No! I don’t want to fuck you! It’s been a year and 1/2 and it was once and it was not what I had in mind. You: “What happened to our friendship and love?” “I miss going out for Rocky Road ice cream at 2 am!” Me: “You were more of an acquaintance, there was no love.” I pined for you 3 years before that and you were, “too cool,” and then through the course of time, I realized who you were and was turned off. You’re 24! Just go away! 

I don’t read these intrapsychic interferences like a radar, more like an EKG that I want to go flatline. To Daniel Son, DAAAAMMMNNN Daniel! I don’t have to know where I stand with you and vice versa. It doesn’t matter anymore. There was a lot of destruction that can’t be undone and I don’t have energy for trying anything with anyone anymore. My time is my own. I don’t even have energy for the last person I loved. The only thing I show up for now are my nieces and nephews. Even though they’re energy consumers, they synergistically give me life. We mutually enliven each other. That’s the only love concerning me right now (not that it’s any of your business). I don’t owe you an explanation but there is one that’s beyond your interpretation. I’m not boy crazy. I can say I miss my past but I don’t carve out time for it in my present. I move in upward strokes like the salmon. I write about it because it lessens the experience that it was and I let go more and more, each time. I welcome in the new positivity that will take over and I rid of past strife. 

Yeah, I’m not a fan of lurkers, stalkers, trolls and voyeurs and in just knowing there’s an audience, it creates this bias, as if I’m writing for a show. “On the next season of Melissa’s life...” Yeah, fuck that noise! I’m not a bitch, I might be numb and apathy might be setting in but I think I need to remain in that state for a while. I feel too intensely that it burns out. I live between the polarity of loving/caring too much and just not giving a fuck. I don’t have a middle ground right now. I’m a little scattered and kind of secretly wish that Scooby Doo Fred would give me a hug and haunt me again. He was the last person I was with that felt to the same intensity and frequency, what I did but the hug would be more for him. I’m not boy crazy, I just feel small sometimes in the vast infinity continuum that is my head. I don’t have the headspace for half the shit that tools around in there and half less the heart space for it. Because of this, sometimes my heart time travels to bookmarks, saving the place where I was held and felt safe and saw them as perfect.

My heart is cold like an ice cave, the arteries stalagmites. My feelings are frostbitten. I am making this period of time what I need it to be for me. I will unlearn, like the magic of oxytocin allows. I will live out goals from my heart center (love list). My days are great but more will fuse on and in plural, they will be great again. When I am open, I will love again and my soulmate will be as ready for me as I him. There is a voice in me that hears all the collective compliments I’ve received on my eloquence in writing, my skill at it and in a small way, it make me feel big. 

Love is fluid. My friend told me today, “I need to fully love myself!” I replied, “I don’t think that’s a thing, I mean you can’t be yourself 24/7 and your needs change and you adapt to the wave forecast that is the ocean of life!” She wrote back, “Oh, that’s true!” I don’t know if anyone is fully themselves at any given time, given our influences. I just feel that we do have an authentic self and an ideal self and we tend to overlap the two in balance but more commonly live in one domain and it’s usually the “ideal self,” (this is not who you are but who you project yourself to be, some traits can carry over but it’s not really you). The authentic self is something every philosopher and abstract thinker has pondered on. Ben Franklin says, “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond and to know one’s self.”

I like the girl on her bike, she’s badass, I like the girl with the cat, Neechee, the girl who takes on challenges and new adventures, the girl who pays into her health through many fields and avenues, the girl who loves wholeheartedly, even with the risk of non reciprocation. I love the girl in me who is a feminist and brave the boys in ways most girls don’t step up to. I love the girl in me who feels energies and can measure aura’s and determine whether the person is spirit decayed. I love the bookworm girl who sways on her hammock with a page turner and is transported there, bringing life to the text. I love the girl who is a woman but feels mostly like a girl because she is playful, witty, funny and kind with that girl like innocence. I love the woman in me that can be a woman but also an archer and tap into my divine femininity. I love the hips that can gyrate into figure eights and undulate in belly dance. I love my legs that choreograph my steps and out dance the floor mass, I love my arms that extend warm embraces and contain. I love the lips that feel around taste like a blind man in the dark and land on bliss. I love my kaleidoscope eyes that can transfix on fire and subdue men. I love my sexual parts too. I love my sensitive breasts that comfort with their volume and surrender to stimulation. I love my bowed bottom that is positioned below my Aphrodite dimples. I love my dendrite, pulse point and erogenous zones. I love me on a cellular level, not all the time and not all at once but in this roll call, I see the snapshot and I do love me from the inside out and I keep this in mind daily. I may not fully love myself because I don’t think one can fully know one self but I’m working on continuing as a love luminary and knowing that I can be all these adjectives and more but when I can love myself for no reason, perhaps I have loved fully. 

[skiasurveys]

im fkn bored man

1: Do you have a crush at the moment? well im dating someone :3

2: Have you ever been deeply in love? yes just once and that is now

3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in? the one i am in right now which is 1 year as of may 10th

4: Have you ever changed for someone? yeah a few people

5: How is your relationship with your ex? well  i just deleted my one ex off fb because his posts annoy the fuck outta me and i didnt need him on there! My other ex sometimes tries to talk to me but thats really it. im not friends with any of my exes.

6: Have you ever been cheated on? not that i know of

7: Have you ever cheated? no 

8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating? idk thats hard because i dont like to believe rumors and so i would have to know him i guess. If i was told by everyone he was a cheater then i would probably not date him. 

9: What’s the most important part of a relationship? companionship, trust, honesty, affection, happiness, empathy 

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? serious. flings are pointless. 

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”? no because i think breaks are basically just where youre not dating but you guys arent completely broken up yet.

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?   by hook up you mean fucka  random stranger? none. 

13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?  saying i love you way too soon especially when i didnt mean it, dating someone because everyone else thinks i should. I regret doing things because i thought i knew everyone wanted too. example was my one ex i didnt like really and i only dated him because eveyrone thought he was great..

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?  kids?...KIDS???

15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”?  im bias because my bf is 6 years older than me but i do believe it is just a number UNLESS the person is like 15 dating a 22 yr old then thats fucking weird. But if youre both consenting adults then whatever. except for dudes who are like 35 dating 18 year olds thas just fucking weird to me.

16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”?  no. not love thats lust. 

17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet? I mean yeah, if you talk all the time, everyday, share your secrets, then yeah. some of my greasts friendships were online, but i cant do online dating because i need to be with them. I did date someone online once and that was just pointless. Unless you meet from online and then can see them every couplemonths ( like ldr). but yeah idk i understand i over answered the question lmao

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?  Lying to me, cheating, doing illegal shit ( like hardcore stuff...), if you hit me..and if you hate my friends for no reason..

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? you just know. Usually if you lose feelings, or they just keep fucking up your life and or if you know youre just not compatible anymore..

20: Are you currently in a relationship? yeah! its our one year in may! 05.10.16

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? some can, if you can be mature adults. Unless you were super serious and then something happened! It all really depends on the relationship. I was friends with some of my exes but they turned to shit when i started to date Connor they got all jealous and some got super creepy wanting to know about our sexual life..like wtf..

22: Do you think people should date their friends? yeah but make sure they are on the same page.. but i also believe your significant other should be your best friend ^_^ 

23: How many relationships have you had? 4 including the one I am in now.

24: Do you think love can last forever?it can if you can work at it. 

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things? not everything.

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? no because my sister doesnt like my bf but i honestly dont care. Unless they had like actual valid reasons like if he were to abuse me which he obvs isnt.

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? Dont date someone because they like you. Dont date someone because they “look” nice. Dont date them because everyone else thinks they are awesome. and finally dont say I love you until you mean it!

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work? yeah. I did one once, andit took lots of trust but in the long run was pointless. I am in one now but its temporary hes back next month!

29: What do you notice first about another person? Hair and teeth. and for dudes it can be also if they have facial hair and have nice arms lmaoooo.

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? Straight as fuck

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? No because I already do and I know my bf has depression even tho he tries to self medicate with weed smh.

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? verbally.

33: Do you want to get married one day? Yeah. One day.

34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed? I just think it is dumb because one i dont need his name tattooed on me..two..like you never know they could not work out and then its awkward.

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?  not rly i need that physical touch BUT i will respect their wishes if theyre not ready, theyre not ready.

36: Are you still a virgin? Nope

37: What’s more important: Looks or personality? BOTH. 

38: Do you enjoy love films? yes but i dont watch them with my bf

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses? yes

40: Have you ever had a valentine? yes

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”?   where we both are connecting well and having fun. I dont need a fancy ass dinner.I rather have fun and connect well than have a sit down dinner and it be awkward.

42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”? yeah

43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends? Both. My boyfriend is my friend too so cmon. I would never ditch my bf for my friends and i wouldnt ditch my friends for my bf. Unless there was a legit reason

44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”? i try to be

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?  my bf is my friend so

46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”? no

47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite?  dont know. dont care.

48: What’s your favorite love song?  I can’t help falling in love with you

49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Yes. It sucks but sometimes you have too. I broke up with my ex like 2 years ago because he wasnt rly a good bf and I know he loved me a lot but He just wasnt what I want. He also was very bad at communication! He didnt talk to me for also 2 months LMAO so I was like bye bitch and Yeah he was out working but i dont know it was pointless. Ldr, and i didnt rly find him that attractive anymore and we didnt conenct. He tries to still talk but its like no honey..lmao

50: If you’re single, why do you think you are?  n/a

51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy? poor but nice.

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?  I try to 

53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single?  I do when im single cus you want to be with someone.

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)? i like it but connor doesnt rly use fb so were not rly facebook offical, and i mean that doesnt mean shit. I do say im in a relatonship tho, I aint gonna lie. But he doesnt rly use fb except for messaging.

55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”? Clingy I think. its my anxiety disorder, i get nervous they dont want me around and so i get so clingy and I also love them alot..

56: Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship? no but if i did i would feel awful. Unless I was doing it out of good heart ( like if someone was being abused).

57: Do you think it’s silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?   no suicide is never silly.

58: Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship?  submissive.

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary?  no

60: What’s your opinion on open relationships?  i just think theyre stupid. But if you both into that, whatever.. but i just dont see that as a relationship..thats jsut me tho.. 

61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family?  stop asking this shit. Makes me guilty. 

62: How do you define “cheating”?  If you have to hide it.. if youre kissing..flirting..touching..

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate? No just dont rly tell me about it, because i dont care. but i watch porn too. it would jsut annoy me if he was like swooning over porn stars or watching it more than fucking me.

64: Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated?  yes. its kinda stupid. you dont need ONE day to show you care.

65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”?  hard core

[wittywordsmithlostingray-blog]

Fetishism on a Full Moon

I was on the subject of kink clubs with my two Chinese co-workers. I love those ladies. They are very cerebral and I feel intellectually fed when I talk to them so I always get off on hump days, at least brain stimulation wise. I asked them if they get the whole Full Metal Jacket reference, one did and the other did not. One was bothered by it and the other was above the opinion of others. I’ve been told myself by my Anglo counterparts that I am exotic looking which made me immediately feel compared to a Macaw from South America. I’ve been called a fiery spitfire, a hot tamale, the iconic curvy Latina, the sexy Spaniard, you name it. I often live in a margin, afraid to come out because I find a lot of men predatory. So I peek my head out and force myself, even when unsafe if need be because I am often alone and have no choice. My inner guard dog snarls at them at a molecular level. My spirit becomes snowed in and then I spent the whole next day shoveling an entrance out. 

Weird happenings have always occurred to me and the more so on full moons. Maybe it is the she wolf in me. I will howl tonight in attempt to connect with my spirit animals for protection. My spirit friend’s are the crow and the elephant. I know I have others in there too but my spirit healer said I need to connect to my heart chakra more and that is where they will be revealed..in dreams, visions and visitations. The crow is always visiting me and I thought that it was a SoCal thing but the crow does not speak to all. It is a tempestuous animal, like myself, highly selective when it decides to be social and the social aspect having to be centered around something more meaningful than small talk. 

Aquarians enjoy authentic, intellectually stimulating conversations. I have often said that I cannot meet someone where they have not met themselves. My friend, Tony cut out on me. A couple days ago he said, “Just when I thought you were cool, you go on diagnosing me!” like a capricious child. I like Tony but he is a man child. He spends his whole day high, always in a mental fog in it and outside the bounds of reality. He is 30 and still lives with his Mom who caters to him and baby’s him. I don’t respect him for that and it also triggers me because my kid brother is spoiled in the same way. Tony has never had a relationship and does not know how to cultivate one. He plays games. He deleted me on Facebook on an impulse whim, he did the same for his Dad who didn’t agree on something he posted. I don’t like FB for the reason that my Mom tries to control me even there. After several requests were shot down, I finally gave in and added her and after 6 years, she feels she can tell me what to post and she misinterprets things. She will always see me as a child she can control and since I’ve been an outlier to that for some time, she tries to secure portals of loopholes that will grant her access to having a say in my life. 

Back to Tony...I met him at work, three years ago. He said he felt like a Frankenstein and I was the fair maiden he couldn’t figure out why, would talk to him. In the Maxx comic book series, my ex (Fred from Scooby Doo, yes, I was his Daphne) said that he was the Maxx and I was the daintily feminine blonde. These guys have felt like monsters and have low self image and worth. Tony said he wanted to be a chef on a cruise ship and be gone for 8 months out of the year. he said I was his only friend here. That made me sad. He’s working two jobs again. He immerses himself in over working because he avoids living outside of an institutionalized kitchen. His Dad left when he was 3. He feels hyper vulnerable when he puts himself in a position of susceptible rejection. He asked me last Thursday if I wanted to smoke and watch Star Wars (it was May the 4th) and I said I couldn’t because I was en route to Hot Yoga (on my bike). He flat out felt dejected and lashed out in the days that ensued for this declination. A week earlier I asked if he wanted to go to the local bar we go to after work and he denied with hefty, “Nope!” and later added the, “Can’t do it, smalls,” for the softening effect. I didn’t get butt hurt over it. Tony was getting into Buddhism and introspection and I was really proud of him, especially since he did so in a position of vulnerability (he quit his job and had $2 to his name). It was at this point in time where I felt his heart chakra saw across to mine and he was disciplining himself to not smoke and not smoke with staff and be, “more serious,” about life. A couple weeks after, he went back to his old ways and started smoking with staff because he said they called him a snob who kept to himself when he wasn’t smoking and because it’s a social lubricant for him, he extended the “peace,” pipe to them and instantly changed their perception of him in their eyes. 

I visited Tony at his restaurant on my bike. I saw him in the line of cooks, through the window. With hand gestures, I signaled one of the main cooks to flag him down for me, he thought I was flirting with him. I made an arm silhouette of a “big, tall guy,” and right at that moment, Tony turned, catching me pretty much with my arm outline of an ogre, lol. His kitchen staff asked him who that cute girl was. I don’t know what he told them but he confuses our friendship for more than it is. I like his comic book side and I used to be able to talk to him. I can’t anymore. He told me a man approached him, asking if he wanted him to mentor him. Tony was weirded out. The man asked, “On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being best, how satisfied are you with your life?” Tony answered with a solid 8. I said to Tony that he had a blockage. I said this because I was tired to Tony running away from his emotions and now mine. I tried to sit with him over tacos and open up but Tony was a ticking clock. I felt rushed and heavy, with my emotion caving in my chest like an anvil. I don’t know if he had any idea but to be rushed along like that sucked. It would have been better that he stayed home, over me sharing some heartfelt things and him pushing them down some assembly belt, only to never come back to them. So, this is my issue with Tony. He lacks intimacy that I need to maintain a friendship. I can’t be faked out to someone who is in denial about themselves (faking their own selves out). I don’t buy it. I’m too keen on my own authentic self to not be able to spot out who is not their authentic self. Aquarians revel in genuine relationships. We are genuine, warm hearted people. Most Aquarians I knew were like me, independent, creative, artist types with big hearts.

I’m reading, “The Brain that Changes Itself.” In it, I read that oxytocin is something we need to partner up and be able to shift and meld in compatibility to our partner. The other side of Oxytocin (according to “Psychology Today”) is that it can promote envy and self boasting. Well, Oxytocin helps us to unlearn so, for example, I was devalued, shamed, and abused in my formative college years in my cumulative relationships. Oxytocin raises the bar for me so each new relationship I take on was better than their predecessor. Oxytocin helps soften or eliminate trauma so that one can love again, as if they have never been hurt. I always wondered why I was like this, thinking all the while I was a doormat to abuse. My first boyfriend and I were going into anal sex for the first time. I wasn’t for it because we were Christians and anal (think Ali G interviewing Posh Spice) was still considered taboo and lewd back then, even though it was a loophole to “remain,” a vaginal virgin. I just remember my first bf saying with revelry, “I’ve never done this before!” As if it was some kind of virgin island he encroached upon by accident and was going to name and post a flag pole in. I hadn’t either. He knew that but he didn’t keep my shared truth in mind, it was as if it was all about him and for him and so there I was at table top, all fours and then I collapse into cow pose. When I felt the pain and his overwhelming hype of having to get me drunk on a very hot day to have gotten that far with me was where I felt my spirit unyoke from me. 

My soul was on the ceiling and I was watching the experience from a disassociated front seat, not interjecting, just helplessly observing as if it was someone else because in my heart, this would never be me, more precisely, at least never, carried out in this way. This wasn’t my first disassociation but it was the most dramatic and it was the abolishment of a lot of, “firsts,” that day. Since an exorcism took place downstairs, my car was broken into (all my modeling portfolio from Suicide Girls and some amateur takes and my paintings and high end studio clothes, robbed) and I witnessed a young boy overdose from heroin in an abandoned car (needle in his arm) and there were fired gunshots, I was trying to collect myself against events that traumatized me on many and different levels. Sometimes I think that I went through too much at once or over time that my tolerance threshold is so low that the slightest degree below optimal could catapult me into crisis. Sometimes my hormones play into that. I would’ve liked sex to have started out different for me but I can’t undo that. I did one take of EMDR and it softened the very cathartic frozen memory for me. That first boyfriend recently found me on FB and tried to add me. Even though me and him had gone through novels of usual event to befall on couple’s and still survive, we didn’t. He changed and I changed after that. He tried to come back into my life for years after but once someone closes the threshold, I am like the floating spirit, disassociated from them. I am there but unreachable. 

Once someone has done enough/too much or I have, they are gone to me. My soul no longer recognizes them, much in the way that a foreign organ transplant will not take or in the case of animals, a mother ewe will not recognize a baby lamb that is not her own. She will however, if she is injected with oxytocin. I don’t think I will respond with as many injections of Oxytocin and while simultaneously on the “love,” drug (ecstasy). There is a part of me that gives up and shuts down. I just stop trying and once that is established, I will never be the same toward the person again. This is why I try to make it easy for people and give them my cheat sheet to my coding but they are lax and unmoved and don’t respect my plea to take it seriously until it’s too late.  I see my ex husband’s YT channel and his tag labels me as, “wife.” men don’t tend to acknowledge a loss until much later than a woman. I feel like they are out of touch with their emotions and live in denial to a large extent. 

My old spirit guide texted me today with the words, “You do deserve a healthy relationship,” “sounds like you miss your ex because you wrote that you two have unfinished business.” I didn’t know he read my blog. I write here the way people who transition from a warm building out into the cold outside comment on the weather (saying the observation to self or aloud to whomever ears it falls on but with no attempt for attention). I do miss him and I probably will for a while. I miss elements of him and who he was. Like me, his executive functioning was compromised. He had poor word recall. I even noticed that he would trip on curbs...something with his gross motor. He had good intention but would overcommit to ideas or in offering to lighten your load because his follow through (like ADD me) was poor. Both of us would have to change the plasticity of our brain and it’s mapping for a relationship to work. We would need outside help because our internal supervision can be poor. 

Most of me feels, with great sadness, that it is a loss cause. I gave him too many chances, only for him to intensify his retention in his ritualistic ways. this gave to minimal relief for me because I have rituals as an Ocelot but they did not impair a relationship in the ways a bachelor who fears commitment and only reinforces his bachelor behavior, does. 

My new spirit healer asked me out to dinner. I’m kind of intimidated by him, not just because he’s obscenely attractive but mainly, because he’s so knowledgeable. For only being 29, he has a prestigious career in Oncology and helps people and offers pro-bono reiki. We like each other’s eyes. I’m scared to enter into something with him. I know he’s a Tantric and things have already gotten quantum with him, upon our first meeting. I felt like I had met him before.  I guess I need to inventory myself but he helps me. I feel like we were communicating to each other telepathically before we even met because I felt something move within me when I picked up his business card at juice crafters. He said he had not even placed business cards there. That was the weirdest thing. I think the Universe aligned us for some reason (unknown to me yet). He fascinates me in the way something on the tip of your tongue does. It’s that intrigue where you don’t know what to call it but it feels familiar and you know you know what it is somehow. It will  be revealed to me. All I know is that I feel safe with him, like he’s a guardian angel and there is no animal lust. We respect each other, as if we only see our souls and not the encasement, though we love each other’s eyes.

I will make a meditation schedule as he advised and I will howl at the moon tonight. Today some things have fallen into place and I will let the rest lie where they lie.

#fullmoon