#my therapist told me i was birthing something into the world lmao

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

On the one hand I am very very very very happy my childhood dream of doing a European tour is coming true in less than two weeks. On another hand oh god I have to leave my baby behind

#personal #my story #my baby is my story #my therapist told me i was birthing something into the world lmao #this was in reference to me saying i felt behind because my cousin has a baby and I am single #she told me my journey writing was just as important as my cousins #which you know the journey of self discovery this year has been a long one #but meaningful

[ectora]

REVIEW 311

Screen time

Macy : 23m26s

Maggie : 20m07s

Mel : 18m25s

Harry : 13m20s

Abigael : 5m02s

Jordan : 4m28s

Here is a table with the details of the time shared

Opinions

In a general manner I enjoyed the episode. It was entertaining and well passed. I don’t think it was their strongest episode so far but it was an entertaining one. It finally started to connect the other characters to the main storyline but also felt almost like a filler for the sisters. I also think the show should have maybe showed more consequences and different good things for the sisters. Because except for Mel (and I’ll come back to that later), the good things that happened to Maggie and Macy are pretty normal. It’s not like Maggie didn’t work for that internship. It’s not like a free legal clinic would get bad press. Or that it can’t happen to be upgraded in a hotel. Like yes what happened to antonio and that old man was really bad but at the same time it just didn’t feel like the sisters were gaining that much from it. Maybe if they had sticked to only it being the consequences of what they had to do to get the allergy off or something, rather than good things that could have normally happened, happening. I’m not sure that nakes sense but well lmao

Positive points:

The perfecti. They’re actually really entertaining on screens and are just funny. I think they were a great idea and a good addition to the story. And I’m genuinely excited to see more of them and how they’re story is going to unfold.

Josefina getting her powers. I’m glad they ended up giving her her powers with “wakening spell” similar to the one the sisters needed when they became witches. I really like her powers as well it’s so fitting.

Macy smiling. I have my issues with how the whole thing happened and I’ll take about it later but I’m glad she was finally able to catch a break. The show is often giving her storylines without a lot of time for her to just breath and I’m glad she finally got the opportunity to do so.

Abigael and Jordan. Listen, I just have a soft spot for their friendship. I just enjoy watching them. Tbh they both have easy chemistry with everyone but these two together just gives me good vibes. I just like them together on screen. I also liked how absolutely soft he was with her. And how she easily recognise his qualities. I just love them individually and together.

Maggie finally getting some therapy. I’m glad they’re finally giving that to her. Now can they extend that to like ... literally every single one of their main characters cause they all need it.

Josefina and Mel. As always their scene were really enjoyable. I think it’s always nice to see Mel show other people magic isn’t their only power. And I like how it shows how understanding and empathetic Mel really can be.

Mel and Maggie. Once again, their bond is so sweet and feels very natural. I just love seeing them share normal sisterly moments.

Negative points :

those are only going to be the actual negative points I have. Others that are more like annoyance, I’ll put them with the remarks.

Ruby. I’m just tired of this show giving zero effort to that relationship. I’m a big time abimel shipper but the treatment they give melby is just disrespectful at this point. They had one little moment where they said “oh she isn’t here” and then that’s it. Not even pretending to be on the phone. Or a text message. Nada. This needs to be fixed. Either get on it or get rid of it. But enough. Especially when you compare it to how they treat the straights.

Abigael’s story. Apparently some people don’t make the connexion with self harm, but to me said connexion is pretty obvious. More and more obvious especially after last episode where they showed us Abigael hurting herself directly. It was graphic and kinda unnecessary imo. I think the story itself, of having Abigael’s sides fight each other is interesting but the way they approached it was very careless and if they continue being so adamant about showing us how broken abi is, they need to actually be careful how they handle this.

Things that just don’t make sense:

Did no one tell Maggie about Jordan being cured ? I’m so confused 😭

Mel. Again, is no one ever going to talk about the fact she never finished her phd in season 1 ? Or didn’t have any teaching experience. I know it’s a small things that’s probably never going to be brought up but it’s been nagging me djdhd

At the end of the episode when they go back to putting the egg, suddenly the air isn’t toxic anymore and it’s small but i realised right away and just haven’t been able to get it out of my head.

Same with Josefina and the book. Mel was right there. Couldn’t she have taken it ? 😭

Why did Harry and Macy took the portal to Paris ? Why just not orb.

I’m still confused by the whole demon trying to kill the witch side of Abby to be honest. Like I’m not sure how hurting her physical body is going to do anything ? Isnt her demon part gonna die too then ? Parker’s made more sense because it was like a sickness, you could say the magical cells were killing he humans ones or something. But here ? I’m confused.

Talking about demon abi, ... why this ugly ass dress. I understand the reason for different noticeable clothes but why does it need to be this ugly. Abigael Jameson-Caine is too fashionable for this.

The entire book of shadow thing like ? Did we just forgot Mel presented the book to Josefina the episode before ? Are we just erasing that from our memories ? What’s happening.

How they gonna freeze the therapist and then just leave a note like is she not supposed to unfreeze ? Maggie is just gonna be gone ? And with a sudden note on her laps ? What.

Remarks & speculations

Hacy. I don’t dislike the couple don’t get me wrong. I think they’re sweet. But the show focuses too much on that relationship. Macy barely feels like she has a story outside of it at this point. At least Harry has the whole white lighter thing but again the reason he wants to be mortal is Macy so ... if just feels like the show continues to centre these two characters toward each other first. However it was great to see Macy happy. But again like The sisters had one hug and then that was if.

I’m really sad we didn’t actually see Macy and Josefina interact. Or that we won’t see her reach them a bit more about her magic and the whole new side they don’t know about.

My babies in the tomb. I’m just really wondering what the deal with the perfecti. Are they so big on duality, good and bad that it’s to an extreme that is dangerous ? Abigael in some ways I can understand. She’s the demon overlord. She’s powerful. Her demon form tried to go after TCO. But Jordan ? Was he just a collateral damage ? Did they judge him bad because he was with abi ? Because he was cursed ? Or is it a plan they have that involved isolating TCO ? (I doubt it but still a possibility). I mean he was probably out there cause he was helping abi but then it being strong questions about the perfecti’s moralities and visions of the world. Cannot wait to see more.

Abigael was ... broken to say the least. Kudo to poppy for that, Abigael looked absolutely exhausted. You could feel the fear and exhaustion in everything she did. And I feel bad for her because she’s not only mentally exhausted but physically too. She can’t sleep safely. And I don’t know if everyone realised the level all this must have reached for Abigael to be ready to give up everything. Because she is different from the sisters on this, she grew up as a magical being. That has been her entire life. What has been defining her since birth. For her to be so ready to give everything up so she could finally just find some peace ... she’s literally at her limits.

Talking about abi. We know the sisters are gonna try to help Jordan in episode 13 but does that mean they don’t realise Jordan is gone until then ? So it’s easy to assume 312 will also have abi/jordy mostly and in the tomb. Speculations - if the synopsis of 312 is indeed about saving Jordan from the tomb and not something else - is that they’ll realise on site than Abigael is stuck too and will help her as well. Unless she does something good to help jordan and because of that they decided to get her out too. That could connect both story and have a start on the redemption.

Also while abi is gone are the demons just gonna wait around ? Like the fact they all just willingly followed her rules doesn’t seem realistic but even less when the girl is no where to be found.

I just want Mel to get a proper storyline. And Macy too. Maggie I feel is actually the best written one development wise out of all of them.

I think they brought the storyline of Harry being worried about his age and waiting to be mortal too early. He has a good ten years on Macy anyway. And they barely started dating. There are already a lot of things going on and I genuinely feel like they should have left that for next season at least.

Highlights

Maggie in therapy. “You seem like you have a lot of demons” “are you under a lot of stress” was genuinely funny. Maggie is so naturally funny I really love her for it.

Mel saying there isn’t another shoe to drop and demon Abigael saying hold me beer.

The dogs that does math. Don’t ask me why it’s just funny.

Josefina using her powers after realising she still has them

Macy’s face when Harry told her about becoming mortal as if he isn’t constantly talking about it djdhd

Abigael’s soft “jordy”

Celebrating later, running now

The entire witch ceremony at the end.

#charmed #charmed cw #charmed 2018 #charmed reboot #abigael caine #abigael jameson caine #jordan chase #harry greenwood #macy vaughn #mel vera #maggie vera #review #charmed review #311

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #311

“somebody told me you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that i had in february of last year.”

What is something that is so awful it gives you pain in your teeth? Extremely sweet and/or cold treats. What is something you would like to teach someone? I love educating people about meerkats, snakes, tarantulas, opossums... lots of animals. What is something people tend to come to you about? For me to take pictures for them. What is something you would be willing to gamble? I don't mess with that. What's something you're absolutely 100% sure about yourself? Uhhh that I really like creating things and just being artistic. How often do you self-reflect? Probably too much, really. When was the last time you realized that you were the problem, if ever? I feel like a problem now, still living with and financially depending on my mom. If applicable, what's the furthest you've traveled because of a hobby? Ha, Mom and I got lost driving one day looking for roadkill for me to photograph (that will always feel weird saying) and wound up pretty far north from home, kinda close to Virginia. It was a fun afternoon/evening. What are some sights around the world you would like to see some day? I'm honestly not crazy about pursuing ancient architecture, but I'd take the opportunity for some if I could, especially in Egypt. OH! Venice would be cool, and whatever that city is with the umbrella "ceiling" layer outside. Do you have souvenirs from other countries? If so, what and from where? No. Apart from sleeping, name something you enjoy doing in bed: Sit on my laptop or read. Do you believe in ghosts? Yeah, or at least something of the sort. Do you stay friends with your exes? Girt and I are close friends, while the others I don't have contact with. Not because we're on bad terms (I may be w/ Jason, but I think our last meeting was freeing for both of us and distilled any remaining tension), we just don't talk. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? Pretty sure no, I'd crash. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? One or two. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. How many pregnant people do you know? Good Lord, a lot. People are bored in quarantine apparently lmao. Who was the last person to play with your hair? Myself, outta boredom, kinda just twirling it. Have you ever seen the inside of a computer? Yeah. ^If yes, can you name any of the components? I could probably identify the motherboard. If you could get a new phone right now, would you/which kind? I would. Idk what kind, though; I'm not very familiar with what's up-to-date. Have you ever cut your own hair? No. If you had the chance, would you start your life entirely over? No. How old is the eldest member of your family? I don't know really, given both pairs of my grandparents are dead. Probably some aunt or uncle on Mom's side. I don't remember their birth order. Do you drink the milk from the bowl after you eat all the cereal? No, it grosses me out for whatever reason. UNLESS it's after a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, then I'll drink it. Do you know anybody who has had an online relationship? Yeah, me, and some others. One thing that your guy best friend doesn't like about you: He's never told me about something he doesn't like, so I can't speak for him. How about your girl best friend? Ummm you'd have to ask her, too. Do you loan your friends money? *recites the usual financial woe story* Are you taller than your siblings? No. Do you have “photoshoots” with your friends/family members? Definitely not regularly by any means. Are you generous? If you ignore monetary generosity for obvious reasons, I think I am in other ways. Are you afraid of lizards? No no no, I love those tiny lil dinosaur boiz and gorls!!!!! :''') Ahhh, I want a tegu especially one day. How legible is your signature? It's perfectly legible, imo. How hot are your neighbors? I don't even know my neighbors. Well, Mom's spoken to the woman to our left more than once if they were both outside, but I know she's an older woman whose appearance I never really noted, but regardless, I know I wasn't attracted to her. Do you play Pokemon Go? If so, what level are you and who's your buddy? Yeah, I can finally play it regularly since they began offering a daily box with a few items in it, like the balls. I'm not checking, but I think I'm like... around 23? My buddy is Charmeleon because I love love loooove that evolution line and absolutely want a Charizard ASAP. :') What's the most daring thing you have ever done? I guess that would be the story about how I challenged my rather intense fear of fair rides that can trouble the stomach by going on whatever the thing's called where you slowly go very high up and then drop down abruptly. Yeah yeah yeah, I was safe the whole time, but it was daring by my standards, haha. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced twice already; the first time it closed while I was in the psych hospital and had to take it out, and the second one I just gave up with it after I kept losing them in my sleep and they just fell into the fucking void or something because I could never find them come morning. I eventually had none left to replace those I'd lost. And yes, I wore the curved types, they still just came out somehow???? Probably didn't help that I sleep like, ON my face sometimes, but... lol. I've been thinking of doing it one more time, but this time with a hoop ring. Nostril piercings are just really cute to me. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Somehow. Are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? She's single. Do you have tan lines? HA. Absolutely not. Not even in the summer. Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip piercing? Yeah, he had snake bites. Has anyone told you they were in love with you? Yeah. Have you ever seen a bald eagle in person? Yes. Have you ever been vomited on? What about in vice versa? Oh my fucking god no, don't even make me imagine it. What is one family member you wish you were closer to? My sisters. When and where did you lose your virginity? Since then, what was the longest time you've ever gone without sex? I dunno, his bed or mine when I was maybe like 16 or 17. Been many years. What is your biggest fear about making a total commitment to someone? That I'll experience heartbreak again. Do you think that your life is exciting enough to be made into a movie? Do you think anybody would actually enjoy it if it were a movie? lol fuuuuck no If you were the opposite sex, would you be attracted to you? I don't know? If I was a different person, I'd obviously have unique tastes, too. Have you ever walked around your house naked? Oh no, I'm way too uncomf for that. Do you prefer profile pictures of you by yourself or with someone else? Me by myself. Did it bother you to find out that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Toothfairy were not real? Not really, no. I'd been suspicious about it for a long time anyway. Is there a food that you only recently started to like? If so, what is it and when did you start liking it? How often do you try again foods you don't like to see if your tastes have changed? Hm... I'm unsure about "recently." I'm not very adventurous with food at all, so the answer for the last part is not often at all. Who would you NOT want to read the surveys you've posted on here? What would most likely happen if they did read it? Is there anyone you actually wish would read your survey answers but doesn't? Probably my therapist lmaoo. It'd spark some concern, especially regarding my PTSD, for him to be able to see "wow, she is deeply scarred." I don't really "wish" anyone else would read them, other than the occasional answer I wish He Who Shall Not Be Named could hear. Do you watch Glee? If so, which song do you want to hear on there that they have not yet done? If not, which TV show do you think has the best soundtrack? I don't watch it. The answer is obviously Supernatural, like good good shit right thar. Do you think you would be able to pull off a crime perfectly, without being caught? What about other lies? For example, cheating on your partner without getting caught? Would you be able to get away with it? Ha, hell no. I'm way too clumsy in more ways than physical and would overlook so many details. And I wouldn't WANT to get away with cheating on my partner, thanks. Do you know anyone who has divorced and remarried the same person? What do you/would you think of someone who does that? I don't think I do, and it's not really my business, but I'd have silent doubts, probably, depending on why they split. Do you say goodnight to anybody before you go to bed? If so, does it feel weird if you go to bed without saying it to them? I say goodnight to my snake Venus; even if she's in her hide, I say it when I walk past her terrarium. It probably wouldn't feel weird not to, but I want to, even though she can't even hear me lmao. How do you react when you're scared? Do you scream, jump, cover your eyes, etc.? I am VERY jumpy, tend to gasp easily, and sometimes scream if I'm seriously scared. Who is the best storyteller you know? What do you find best about their storytelling? Is there an interesting story of theirs you'd like to share? I don't know. Do you strongly dislike (or even hate) any bands or musical artists? If so, what caused such a strong negative emotion towards them? Not for purely their music, that's just stupid, but I could certainly dislike artists for what they do as people. For example, I haven't looked into it whatsoever, so it could be a load of bull, but I know Manson recently had some sexual misconduct or assault allegations rise against him, and honestly, I'd believe it. He's one of my favorite artists (emphasis on the "art"), but definitely not high on my list of favorite people and keeps doing things that are making me lose more and more respect for him. Then there's Otep... again, one of my favorite musical artists. I agree with a good handful of her values, but she is nevertheless an absolute holier-than-thou, intolerant bitch. I don't like her as a person. Do your parents have any collections? If so, what do you think of those collections? Dad collects Cleveland Browns and Carolina Hurricanes stuff; it's all over his "mancave." I don't have an opinion on them. Do you have a favourite role of Johnny Depp's? If you don't like him, what is your favourite role of an actor you like? I'm not familiar enough with all his acting roles for this, but I know he's incredibly good at what he does. If you were in a competition to win your dream prize, and you were allowed to decide what the competition would be (trivia about your favourite band, a foot race, singing, etc.) , what would you choose and why? Uhhhh maybe facts about meerkats? Reason being it's something I'm honestly very knowledgeable about. What is your least favourite thing about the English language? Are there any other languages you prefer besides English? It breaks its own "rules" ALL the time. If I was fluent in German, then I might actually prefer it. There are many parts to the German language that make it very precise and clear what and whom you are addressing (ex., there are two different "you"s for singular and plural usage); the only real downside I see to German is the sentence structure is odd, but then again, I mean, it does encourage active listening to get all the parts of a sentence you need to understand what is being said. Would you be upset if a long-term partner confessed that they had committed a serious crime before you met? How do you think it would affect your relationship? Hm. I guess it would depend on the crime? I sure wouldn't be happy hearing they committed an as you said serious crime, but I'd have to consider if there were other red flags for danger going on, again, if it wasn't massive in my eyes. Do you enjoy watching the special features found on most DVDs? What do you usually enjoy more: the deleted scenes, the bloopers, the audio commentary, or the behind-the-scenes footage? I have to be seriously into whatever I'm watching to explore these. I do love me some bloopers, though. Was there something you were afraid of as a child that just seems silly to you now? I had that usual "monster (or in my case, skeleton) in the closet" fear. Have you ever had a crush but then found out he’s gay? Almost positive my puppydog-love middle school bf actually is gay. I also had a crush on a closeted gay guy for a little bit that same school year. Nowadays he is so open about his sexuality and even does drag, and he's great at it! It's wonderful seeing how far he's come in his confidence. Would you ever be a porn star? What'd your name be? Oh no, hunny. Does blood make you squeamish? No. What's your favorite Pokemon? Ninetales. <3 I also have a very soft spot for Charmander, though. What was the last event to cause you any sort of heartache? My older sister got in a wreck yesterday because some impatient bitch ran a red light. She's fine but did break her clavicle and is going to be using a sling for probably a few months. It was definitely upsetting to hear about. What do you do when you like someone? I tend to get very shy around them, more than I naturally am, and smile a lot. I try to stay in contact with the person, and it's maybe a 60/40 chance I'll wait for them to make the move versus me, but I've done it. Do you mind if people just show up at your house unannounced? YEAH. Especially as someone who needs to mentally prepare for company, don't do this. Do you enjoy rain? To a degree. If it hangs around too long, it affects my depression. I LOVE going to sleep to rain pattering on the window, though. You love Jesus, yes? I don't believe he was a bad person; quite the opposite, actually, but I don't "love" him. I won't go too deep into why just because I'm not in the mood to offend people today lmao. Who’s your favorite person in the whole world? My mom. She's my rock. How many different beverages have you had in the last 24 hours? Just water and Mountain Lightning (a Mountain Dew ripoff for us poor folk, haha). Oh wait, I did have a meal replacement shake for lunch yesterday, I think? Or that might have been the day before... How many brothers does your father have? None, unless I've seriously forgotten him having one. He only has a sister, to my knowledge. What kind of camera do you use? I have a Canon EOS Rebel T6. If you could change you name, what would you change it to? I wouldn't. 25 years with a name I quite like has worked out fine. What was the last song you listened to in the car? Uhhh it was "Drugs" by Mother Mother, I think. Are you the youngest, oldest, middle, or only child? I'm the middle child between my parents. What's the best thing about the place you currently live? Hm. I would say for practicality's sake that we're very close to pretty much everything, but seeing as I enjoy long car rides... With that in mind, I'd say who our landlord is. She's a very close family friend who is very understanding of our financial position, so pretty forgiving with some things. Do you eat breakfast daily? Yessss, I need breakfast to start my day off. Can you hear anyone talking right now? No, just singing. I'm listening to Motionless In White's cover of "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers. What's your favorite flavor of ramen? I solely enjoy the spicy pork bowl by Yakisoba. I've never had another I've liked. I lived off that shit in the apartment. I guess what they say about college kids is true, haha. Never realized that. When was the last time you had a bowl of soup? What flavor? Back when I got my snake eyes tongue piercing, I tried vegetable soup only to find I didn't like it anymore. Do you have any tinned foods in your cupboard at the moment? Yeah, lots. I couldn't name 'em all, besides like, diced pineapple, corn, and beans. We always have those. What was the last food item that you tried for the first time? On Thanksgiving, I was actually brave with food for once and tried that sweet potato dish that's topped with marshmallow, and it was okay. I never liked sweet potato before, and while I couldn't eat a lot of it, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Does anyone in your family have green eyes? No. What was the name of your first ever pet? I was born into my family with a beautiful collie named Trigger, but I have zero recollection of her because she passed away from old age when I was very young. My first personal pet was either my guinea pig Squeak or Chinese water dragon Shadow (no, I have no idea why I named a green lizard that); I can't remember who came first. I adored them both. I feel so bad looking back though, I was so uninformed on how to properly care for a water dragon that she (or he, we were never sure) was, as far as correct husbandry goes, horribly taken care of and stunted from having a tank too small. I consider myself lucky she seemed to really trust me and loved being held, even sleeping on me, and she did live out her full lifespan. I was lucky; please, please, never adopt a reptile until you are properly educated on their unique care. Where was the last place you went out for lunch? What did you order? Mom bought me McDonald's a few days back because I was really craving it. I had a double cheeseburger and for once large fries, because that's what I was seriously wanting. I usually get small or medium. Where was the last place you went for an evening meal? What did you order? I feel bad and selfish for breaking my own "stay the fuck home but for emergencies" rule, but my mom, one of my sisters, and I went out to the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday. I think I ate a chicken sandwich with Chipotle sauce? I actually don't remember for sure. I do however remember the cheesecake I got: some cinnamon swirl one that was fucking glorious. Oh yeah, and we had an appetizer of these pretzel ball things dipped in fondue. I ate waaaay too much, but it was a special occasion, so whatever. Have you Googled anything today? What? I ensured I spelled "clavicle" correctly. Yaaaay, I did. What do you like to eat for breakfast these days? Special K cereal, a sandwich, sometimes those pancake & sausage on a stick things I mentioned at some point in the last survey I think, or a Jimmy Dean breakfast bowl. Maybe other stuff I'm just not thinking of. Is anyone in your family a nurse? No, but I have family in the medical field. Do you like to wear lipstick? What colors do you think suit you best? Not really, no, but I will sometimes for pictures. It smudges too easily yet is also hard and annoying to get off. I only really wear black. Who was the last person to recommend a book to you? My therapist recommended a book for the whole PHP group, but I can't remember what it was. Something self-care related. Who was the last person to tease or joke around with you, in a friendly way? I wouldn't be surprised if it was Tobey, the "family friend" I mention a lot. She probably said something technically rude that she thought was an appropriate joke. Is there a jar of peanut butter in your house? Yeah, always. Does anyone you know own a tabby cat? How about a cocker spaniel? Tabbies are very common, so yes. I don't think I know anyone with a pure cocker spaniel, but my late dog's mother was one. Do you have blinds or curtains in your bedroom? What colour are they? I have those slanted blinds that you can close by pushing them upwards or downwards with a stick thing. They're white. What was the last beverage you tried for the first time? Some form of juice I wasn't a fan of. Orange and peach, I think? Who was the last person that said you were beautiful? I think a friend on Facebook when I changed my profile picture. Is/are your pet(s) fixed? My cat is neutered, but obviously my ball python isn't. Roman would mark the house like crazy before we got him fixed... but even if he didn't, we still would have done it. Please make spaying/neutering your cats and dogs a financial investment priority. If you do the research, you would marvel over the "damage" especially one fertile cat can cause. Hell, my childhood experience with cats is enough proof of that.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''somebody told me'' by motionless in white

[revol-lover]

i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok. 

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though. 

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend. 

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020  but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i  have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic. 

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is 

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me  in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

[czarbok]

rant with a huge tw// ed

i never thought that i would be the one to develop an eating disorder, especially at the current age i’m at. when i was 8, i kinda suffered from an anxiety-induced food aversion which would make me not eat in fear of choking/throwing up. because of this, i was underweight for a good chunk of time. from about third grade until 8th grade, i was very scrawny; my friends mom would constantly say i had toothpick legs and my grandma would call me a skinny minnie lmao.

i had a huge appetite and a metabolism that was even faster through these years. i had shaken off my food aversion by fifth grade but never managed to gain an excess amount of weight. i didn’t hit 100 pounds until seventh grade and it was partially because i was going through puberty and growing. i still got my period on time because i was eating frequently. i ate a lot of junk food and huge servings of meals but never seemed to gain weight. people envied me.

by ninth grade, i was still really skinny. a-cups for my bra, toothpick legs, ankles that i could almost wrap my fingers around, the whole bit. i was getting into more muscle-building sports at this time. in jr. high, i ran track and cross-country but i gave both of them up for softball and soccer respectively. as much as i liked to think i was gaining muscle, i still looked like a stick. i looked awkward and stringy in all of my uniforms. the best way to describe how i looked is a praying mantis.

in ninth grade, i had also gotten my first boyfriend. he was a year older than me and he was more experienced than me. he was on the wrestling team so he frequently had to cut weight and cutting weight meant skipping meals and binging and purging. dinners at his house were awkward because i would be eating a huge plate of food and he would eat nothing. because he was lactose intolerant, he would eat large portions of ice cream and dairy products just to shit out the weight. he wasn’t that much heavier than me which i felt like it bothered him because that’s just the type of person he was. i never weighed myself at this time because the scale was always kept in my parents’ room and it was never right. i only got weighed at my yearly physicals.

the following summer, my boyfriend had broken up with me and i was devastated. i would lock myself in my room and only come out for basketball or soccer. i also ate less because my forming depression made it hard for me to get an appetite. i don’t know if i lost any weight, because again, i wasn’t weighing myself. i tried to get more involved with soccer, constantly practicing and honing my skills as a goalkeeper. i was also honing my skills in basketball summer league because i wanted to be on varsity in the coming year.

i had petty feuds with my first ex-boyfriend that whole summer and into my sophomore year of high schools but by the time school came back in, we seemed to become “friends”. at this time, i had also met my second boyfriend through mutual loves of music and soccer. he was overweight but i didn’t care. i really liked who he was as a person. he made me laugh and made me feel better about my breakup. he acted like a therapist and a best friend to me. but we didn’t start officially dating until february of our sophomore year.

before that, we were really close friends. we made fun of a boy i dated for a month and my first ex-boyfriend. we hung out a lot at his house and he made me feel like my world was getting put back together. i had won second team all-conference in soccer as sophomore, one of the first to do so, and i was excelling in basketball making a promising effort to be on varsity.

then i went to the doctor for on-going foot pains. my doctor told me that my foot had been broken for three years because of a basketball injury. the bone and joint had decayed and rotted and i needed to do something about it if i wanted to continue to play sports. i obliged because i wanted the attention that my foot injury would bring me, especially for my ex-boyfriend. so november 2015, i had surgery on my foot. i had an artificial joint put in my foot at the age of 15 and my doctor promised that i wouldn’t have to worry about it for 15 years if i followed through with physical therapy.

i got out of the hospital the same night and went home with all sorts of drugs including vicodin, antibiotics, and anti-imflamatories. drew, my friend and second boyfriend, was always a text away to keep my spirits up. i was out of basketball for a month and a half and lost my varsity jersey because there was no point in me having it. that wrecked me and it wrecked me even more that i couldn’t play with my best friends. i sunk into a depression that made me question if i even wanted to return from sports.

my weight wasn’t a concern to me because i never worried about it. i went through countless hours of pt in the early mornings before school so that i could get back on the court quicker. it was painful and constantly made me tired because my endurance and energy had diminished since i was put out. but i still didn’t notice my weight.

i returned to basketball in late december, winded and hesitant. i galloped when i ran in fear of destroying my new joint but i looked more fluid and confident than i ever had before. drew and i were increasingly becoming closer but i was increasingly becoming more and more suicidal.

january 1, 2016, my dad’s best friends and a very close friend to my family suddenly died in his sleep. we had actually been at his house for new years that night and now he was dead. it shook my family to the core. it brought out a side of my father that i had never seen before. he came into my room crying and hugged me, saying that he didn’t know what he was going to do without him. i was heartbroken and sunk into an even deeper depression. we spent a lot of time at his house, helping his now widowed wife and sons— two were adults, one was a senior in high school, the other in 8th grade and best friends with my sister. the calling hours rocked me as some of his favorite music blasted through his alma mater. one of them had been rose tattoo by the dropkick murphys, one of my favorite songs at the time. i still can’t listen to it. another song was the devil in i by slipknot which played frequently on my family’s favorite radio station; if it came on, the station would immediately be switched.

again, drew helped me cope and we were getting more intimate. we still joked about our exes and had fun but we were becoming closer than friends. by late january, i contracted mono for the first time and lost my appetite for over a week. i probably lost a lot of weight, but again, it wasn’t a concern.

i had also been trying to get my drivers license through february, taking the required classes and trying to schedule in-cars. ohio is a bitch state to get your license in. by february, drew and i were official and he urged me to get my license so i could take him places. i frequently broke down because i was so overwhelmed with recovering from an injury, recovering from mono, now softball, and school. drew urged me to see a therapist because i had frequent suicidal thoughts that worried him.

it wasn’t until may of 2016 that i received my diagnosis of depression. i was put on a low dose of serafem and put on suicide watch for that week because my mental health was so bad. my relationship was drew was getting rocky; i was starting to distrust him and he seemed to want to do everything without me. i finally finished the in-class session of my drivers test and passed but i still had to do in-cars before i could take my test.

that same month, my mom forced me to go to the obgyn to get on birth control because she thought i was sexually active with drew. (technically we weren’t). i had heard rumors that birth control caused weight gain but i wasn’t concerned, i got on it anyways. i was very strict with the time that i took it for about a year before not caring. i still take it every night, just not at the same time lmao. i didn’t realize it, but i started gaining weight.

drew broke up with me in mid-july of 2016 and i wanted to kill myself. and i tried. taking the vicodin i had from my foot surgery, i tried to od but only woke up from it in the middle of the night, devastated that i was still alive. but then i thought, who would take care of kojack, my cat, if i died? he would most certainly be kicked out of my house for his poor use of the litterbox. so i held off trying again. i finally got my drivers license and it stated that my weight was 125 lbs.

i went to my psychiatrist once a month where i rarely received an up in my antidepressants. i was only on 20 mgs of prozac for two years and i struggled heavily. my psych constantly treated me like a child and never really helped me with anything. so i stopped going but my prescriptions continued.

it was probably a mix between the prozac and birth control that made me gain weight. i ballooned to 135 my junior year of high school but i was still active in sports yearround. in november of my junior year, i started dating a close friend who was also a wrestler. we were also sexually exclusive. this boyfriend didn’t have to cut weight nearly as much as my first boyfriend but he didn’t eat. i began to gain muscle and was making a name for myself in athletics, winning all conference recognition in all three sports.

my paternal grandmother ended up passing away from what i think is medical malpractice in november of 2016. i was very close to her. she was my sisters and i’s babysitter growing up and she was always at our sporting events. we had been in buffalo, new york with my mom’s family when we heard the news that she was dying. early in the morning, my mom rushed us back home to ohio, worried that she would die before we got there. we had gotten there in two hours, a record if i had ever seen and she died shortly after we got there. i never went into the room. i saw my mom hold her hand as she took her last breath and my grandpa pacing and crying as she departed. i was shaken. but then i wasn’t. she didn’t die, i was sure of it. i never accepted that she had died becuase she was so prominent in my life. i made jokes about her passing but it never seemed like she died.

the boyfriend ended up breaking up with me after a wrestling meet after ignoring me all day. i was heartbroken but got over myself quicker than the other breakups. there was nothing between us but sex. at this time, i was starting to realize that my first boyfriend raped me, but i don’t want to get into that.

the summer of 2017 was a whirlwind. i was going around, trying to find someone to fill my sexual needs by disguising it and saying i wanted a boyfriend. i was in the best shape of my life. i was healthy and muscular. i ended up fucking one of my best friends and ruining our friendship right before my senior year started but i wasn’t too bothered by it.

in early september of 2017, i began talking to someone. i had actually met this guy at a cage the elephant concert with drew when he was dating someone else. i honestly thought he was weird and looked way older than he was. he also frequently told me that he loved me despite not really knowing me. either way i was freaked out but decided to give this guy a chance because of mutual interests. we started dating in late september of 2017 and i had never been happier. we’re still dating to this day and we’re currently living together.

donovan and i ate out frequently our first year of dating. i was taking my antideppressants on and off. i went from 130 lbs to 135 that year because we ate greasy foods, ate out a lot, ate a lot of junk food, and drank a lot of pop. i was ignorant to my weight gain but noticed it a bit once my last season of softball rolled around. i had committed to my college for soccer but wanted to play softball still because i loved it and was good at it. my uniform pants felt tighter.

it didn’t look like i had gained weight under clothes. i still fit in jeans i wore through freshman year but my stomach had definitely gained mass. i noticed this when we took a trip to the beach in late may and donovan took pictures of me. but i wasn’t bothered.

over the summer of 2018, i managed to take that mass off my stomach with soccer workouts to prep me for my upcoming collegiate soccer season. i also got my first job as a hostess which left me hungry because i couldn’t eat on the job. however, this led to binging after work and workouts but i still looked trim.

august came and i moved into college. i was destraught moving away from my friends and family despite being only 20 mins from my hometown. the girls on the soccer team were less than welcoming to me and preseason was hell. i was placed on the reserves because my coach told me freshman year would be a developmental year to get me out of bad habits. i accepted. afterall, he did have an all-conference goalie starting. i worked hard despite not wanting to be there. i lost interest in soccer and started eating more again. my teammates constantly talked about me behind my back and i didn’t feel safe. i also contracted mono for a third time which sat me out of soccer for nearly two weeks. i came back winded and exhausted. even though i was sick, i still went to every home game and practice to support. i played in one last game before my foot joint gave out on me again. i was put in a boot and lost the rest of the season.

i had been in a boot before because of my foot joint since the surgery but something about this was different. anyways, i went up to my coach after the season had ended and announced that i would not be continuing on the soccer team for various reasons including my mental health. he tried to convince me otherwise but i quit. i ended up meeting with the lacrosse coach and joining that team instead. lacrosse seemed fun and it would be a challenge for me to pick up a sport i never played.

but i was gaining weight. the scale never showed but again, my stomach became prominent and chubbier because i was eating. in december, i went to a different nurse practicioner to get on meds again. the np would end up changing my meds every month and i would be put on four different antidepressants before my sophmore year of college.

between soccer and lacrosse, i began lifting more and running less. i wasn’t concerned with my endurance because it always seemed to be with me despite sickness and injuries. i put on muscle in my legs and arms and my stomach managed to slim down again before lacrosse started. by the time my freshman season of lacrosse started, i could cradle and pass decently for someone who had never played before but i couldn’t catch so my coach put me on defense to avoid me having to catch a pass.

once lacrosse ended in late april, i didn’t want to put on any weight so i began running. i started running a mile everyday through the summer which turned into a mile and a half everyday to two miles. i ran two miles almost everyday over the summer to keep in shape. i was also switching and adding meds and going to therapy as well. by the time my sophomore year of college rolled around, i was on klonopin, abilify, cymbalta, and strattera/vyvanse.

i maintained 135 lbs throughout these couple of years despite med changes and birth control. my sophomore year of lacrosse was going to be my breakout year because i had spent so much time improving my skills. sophomore year started out great. fallball was fantastic. i had taken leaps and bounds in improvement since april. i love lacrosse and wanted to be better than i was the day before.

in late october, i went to sleep with a stomachache that i dismissed as gas pains. i woke up frequently in pain and just thought i had to poop. going to the bathroom did not alleviate the pain. the pain had also shifted to the right side of my stomach. so i did some googling and saw that my symptoms mirrored a burst appendix. so i woke up donovan and we drove to the hospital at 3 am. through testing and scans, the doctors told me my appendix was imflamed and would need to be taken out before it burst. so later that afternoon, i received my second surgery.

after the surgery, i was extremely bloated from the air they had to pump into my stomach for the procedure. i was sure it was going to go away with walking and other techniques to get it out. it never did. i started lifting with the lacrosse team a week and a half later and followed up with my surgeon two weeks after the surgery. he weighed me and i weighed a whopping 140 lbs. i was shocked but brushed it off as i had all my clothes on and a jacket.

then i got home and weighed myself. 140. it couldn’t be. i had never weighed that much in my entire life. how did one surgery cause me to gain five pounds? i became obsessive over my weight going into november. i started working out five days a week instead of three but my weight never changed. going into december i started eating less but my weight fluctuated between 140 and 137 frequently. i ran more disntance and put more effort into lifting. i was constantly breaking down into tears because i just wanted to be skinny again. donovan tried to assure me that i was still skinny and looked great but i knew i didn’t. i looked gross and pudgy.

i started wearing baggier clothes and set up times where i would stop eating. 9 pm seemed like a realistic time to cut off eating so i did that. around christmastime, i contracted mono again and lost my appetite. because of this, i lost five pounds. i was estatic. finally, after two months of fretting about being 140, i was back at 135lbs. but then i was at 133lbs, then 132lbs before i realized that i hadn’t been this low in weight since high school.

so i started schedule eating once this semester rolled around. tiktok was giving me ideas to restrict calories and to fast and other borderline eating disorder ideas. i complied. i eat at noon, again at dinnertime which has to be later than 6pm, and then a snack before 9pm. by january, i was under 130lbs, which i hadn’t seen since sophomore year of high school. i was so happy and proud of myself. with running everyday and restricting the times that i ate, i had lost ten pounds in two months,

lacrosse came in late january and we weren’t doing as much conditioning as we had the previous year. i was worried that this would make me gain weight so i ran before practices some days and after practices on others. my weight dropped again to 125lbs, my goal, the weight my drivers license stated.

i was so happy i hit my goal but then i realized, what if i kept going? if it’s this easy, why stop here? i didn’t want to gain the weight back that i lost. plus everyone was saying how great i looked because i lost weight. tiktok videos came up encouraging me to lose weight. i weighed myself twice a day to see progress. my new psychiatrist and therapist weren’t keen on this and warned me to ditch the scale before this escalated into a fullblown eating disorder. i ignored them. i want to be skinnier, i want to look and feel great. i don’t want to be the weight that i used to be.

recently i downloaded myfitnesspal to track calories and calories that i burn with workouts. it says i should consume 1,390 calories a day if i want to lose a pound a week. with the workouts that i do, it wants me to eat more. i’ve been sticking around and eating no more than 1,000 calories a day with its frequent warnings of unhealthy weightloss. and maybe i’ve been lying to it because my weight sometimes fluctuates which i hate. i almost cried the other night because my weight was 124 lbs. my lowest so far has been 120lbs. donovan and my therapist are the only ones who know about my struggles with eating. my relationship with food has become dangerous. i hate eating and dread when the scheduled time to eat comes around. i hate the person i’ve become and at the same time, i don’t want to stop this habit.

#rants / #long post #tw// eating disorder #tw//ed #tw ed #do not reblog #dn reblog

[icharchivist]

Okay this start to seriously annoy me (as in angering me, not “making me spiral down out of controle” (edit; okay maybe a little but hi that’s me from the future and i’m doing fine, i’m just annoyed but no breakdown there, not really)) so bear with me, but also, tw: s/uicidal & selfh/arm mention and stuff like that. I’m super annoyed at my mom. (also generally it’s in general for all my #ichapersonal posts but pls d/on’t r/eblog especially not this one bc i’m just. so. damn annoyed.)

Also it’s really just ranting because i really need to let it out this is seriously weighing at this point I just need to rant it out;

(also it’s a long post so if you’re on mobile and the readmore didn’t work and you want to avoid it go quickly blacklist either my tag or #longpostforts, it’ll hide the post for your dash)

My mom has this tendencies to always bitch about “kids who says “I’ve never asked to be born””. She had been bitching about it for as long as I can remember bc if i recall, my elder sister (yknow the one who ended up running away from home, never to be seen again for what, 17 years now (17 years?? holy fuck how time flies)(also i’m starting to really feel like she made the right decision at this point)) actually told her that at some point while they fought.

bc my mom believes children should be grateful of life given, that “life is a gift”.

So regularly she goes on rants about how “kids who says “they never wanted to be born” are so ungrateful, life is a gift, you should be grateful to your parents, to me” (she singles herself out everytime) “for how much time and effort we take to raise you, we give you a chance in this world how can you be ungrateful and say you never wanted it”, and stuff like that.

You’d think that after having me spelling her out that i’ve been s/uicidal since i’m 13 she would change her fucking reasoning but nooooo

This is so unnerving. I’ve heard all my life that kids thinking birth is a curse or w/e are ungrateful toward their parents but is she seriously the fuck hearing herself??? It’s not about the fucking parents, if a child tells you that, be concerned about what it means of their suffering, not about what it means for the parents, you apathic selfish person.

My whole life had been a struggle i would have gladly spared myself with thank you very much.”life is a gift” so were the multiple trials I had to manage as a teenager because both of my parents were unable to manage their fucking divorce? I’m sorry what about my life is a gift to me? As far as I know I’ve been the emotional backbone of this freaking family for years and had been there for all of my mother’s breakdowns, but I’ve never had that back. I was the gift to at least try to soften the blows, but it wasn’t a gift for me that’s for sure.  Life sure wasn’t a gift when I first told my mom i was s/uicidal  and had s/elf harmed and that the only thing she told me was “look I have more important things to deal with okay” (see, the kind of petty things i still remember and I’ve yet to have a proper apology about because “nooo but Chloé I wasn’t doing okay you can understand” hA. Jokes on you I had YOUR CONCERNS, MY FATHER’s and MY OWN and back then I was getting out of an ab/usive relationship with my ex and the fact i just lost most of my friends at once while i was trying to manage how the fuck I could at least ease the issues between my parents and with my ex’s jealousy & aftermath, also my own mom’s h.omophobia when i was trying to bring up that aspect was sure helpful, also freaking important exams coming, and also remember it was when you completely fucked up your relationship with my other sister that I also had to manage, “i wasn’t doing okay” neither did i but i’ve never shut you down that I know of.)

Or at least it wasn’t for me, since then my mom ran to tell my dad to say “see our daughter is s/uicidal because of you!” (no??? I didn’t say that??? even if it was true I didn’t??) and since then had my dad using it against me on official paper (you never know true love until your dad try to tell a judge that “because of the de/ression given by your mom” you were “untrustworthy” and that therefore he shouldn’t give you any money and that you learn that upon reading the judgement’s request) and making s.uicide jokes in front of me about me to people i don’t know (which!! he did!! right before I cut ties with him! in front of clients of him!! seriously why do i have those fucking parents.) But hey i’m sure it was a good “gift” for my mom to have something to guilttrip my dad with for ONE trial which turned against her considering how he used it. WHAT A GIFT.

GUH this is something I hate, I have a lot of wounds like that that I don’t even care about anymore (or at least don’t think about because no one can change the past and it’s something to live with) and our relationship has evolved past this point, but then she says this kind of things and all that bitterness comes back full blown. 

We’ve discussed about it.  I told her. I had to hammer it down multiple times (HA. And even there how much of those conversations ended up being “it’s because of your father/your abandon issues about your sister? Because me too you know, this is hard for me too here’s how it affects me and let’s not talk about your self destructive tendencies” wow thanks mom) How can she so carelessly throw this kind of things. We’ve discussed about it more than once for fuck’s sake. And she throws it in front of my step dad, the one person we can’t talk about mental health with because the guy always have a mean comment to make about it and doesn’t believe in d/epression this family is a fucking joke.

“Kids saying “i’ve never asked to be born” are ungrateful, life is a gift that i gave you” fuuuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I don’t even know why she said that out loud, I was just walking from the living to my room and I have no idea of the context, but I legit just snapped at her telling her to fucking stop with that and she tried to defend myself like “do you know how hurtful it is to hear from a kid that they never asked to be born” you don’t say, do you know how hurtful it is to hear from your own parents that your self destructive tendencies due to how much said parents put you through are “not important”? 

Ya know what’s even funnier -because my parents told me about that- Apparently they wanted me so much when I wasn’t born yet that they almost tried to do a fertility boost while i was already a featus and it would have killed the featus to do it and it’s just last minute that they realized “wait there’s already a baby inside” - good for my parents, lost my chance it seems. (also fun fact since I was born strangled by the cordon thingy, it’s like i was too stubborn to die what a moron @ me).  AND, WHAT MY PARENTS DECIDED TO TELL ME, freaking beautiful really, is that when they did the echography to see what my birthgender was, my father was so dissappointed over hearing I was a girl (and that therefore i’ll be the 3rd girl of the family) that he left my mom who was pregnant with me at the hospital. He actually took the car and drove back home, home that was 30 mins away from the hospital in car, and he left my mom alone at the hospital. She had to call her best friend to bring her back home. My father blamed my mom because ofc he has the genetic understanding of Henry VIII.

as a result i spent my entiere childhood feeling like i wasn’t wanted by my dad bc he told me all my life he would rather have had a boy and always made it feel like i wasn’t good enough, and my mom always priviligized my sisters (which may be a result of me being the younger one of the family, but then when I was 7 I had my elder sister (who was a/utistic so my mom was always overbearing with her before she left) running away from home and my other sister who right afterward almost died due to medical complication, having my mom overprotecting her especially that close to the departure of my other sister and she kept being overprotective afterward. That may have played a part. And i mean when we come to have convos where my mom ignores me completely unless i mention my sisters? And the fact she willingly admit that she “doesn’t want to force herself to care about things she doesn’t care about” while mentioning that she has more in common with my sister than I? Ya that doesn’t help the feeling. But ya know it’s just ~the youngest sibling feeling~ lmao) - Also my mom who l o ves to remind me that apparently I was an overdynamic child who was a nightmare to take care of because I was hyperactive, so she was always tired and loves to remind that it was hard for her to handle me, that sure didn’t play at all in making me feel unwanted. Especially when she’s unable to say anything about me that doesn’t come from the time i was “an unbearable hyperactive child who completely stopped her from wanting any more children” because of course this is the kind of things you say to a child and you make good care that you only ever talk about that and not anything else about said child even if the latest actual anecdote (that isn’t “actually blowing off because this family is hell” she never mentions those lmao) dates back from when said child was 9.

(also it adds to the whole “with all the time we took to raise you” what i was taught by my parents is that i was unadequate and would never be enough, thanks - all my morals i got them in fictions and online all i’ve learnt from my parents was a caucionary tale of what I should never become. Which is also something that annoys me when, the rare times my mom says she’s proud of me, she always adds “i’m so proud to have educated you this way” and it’s always, always on subject that i’ve learnt online or in fiction and regularly things I got mad at my mom for not knowing so ye fuck that. It’s too easy to just take other’s people achievement as your own and refuse to listen when they tell you to stop.)

lmao did i ever mention too, my previous therapist and i discussed a lot about my d/epression and while i personally pinpoint my 13yo as my breaking undeniable point (because when you are hurting yourself because the physical pain makes you forget the emotional pain, this is time to stop prentending nothing bad is happening), my therapist said i had symptoms already when I was 7yo but i was too young to recognize them and since it’s the year the brain usually have a huge development, i developped all the unhealthy coping mechanism - but she also mentioned that the fact my father went to abandon my mom at the hospital because of me, was probably at least a bad vibe that carried on all my life.

So ya!!! beautiful!!! I spent my whole life from the womb to feel unwanted, to the point i completely shut down and thrived upon people appreciating me, which put me as a target for being b/ullied so much i just ended up not get too emotionally invested in anyone and emotionally distant in general after too much fuck up from my part by trying to be loved, and which was so determined to please all my life that I tried to fix everyone’s miserable lives around me until my mental health gave up completely.

(and like don’t get me wrong - my parents made me feel unwanted all my life, i was b/ullied up until high school, i lost all the friends I had before high school because of the a/busive relationship i ended up winding up into, and it fucked me over. It truly did. But I don’t think i’m “unloveable” I think just that it doesn’t matter to try. My high school friends, who are the people i consider my best friends today, are the most precious thing that happened to me and I will never second guess how they care for me. I have wonderful friends all around the world, I don’t feel “unloveable”. But i do feel like not wanting to try. If people leave, I won’t care because eh that happens. Even if i know my friends are here for me, and that I will always want to be there for them and support them, I can’t bring myself to go to them unprompted when i feel bad - even if i know they don’t consider me a burden I was taught all my life my emotions were such anyway. Things that are hard to unlearn. But there’s no “no one loves me” or ignoring completely my qualities there. I consider it a miracle i’m this kind while i’m this bitter, that I care so much about things even if i know it’s coping mechanism, but that i can still get this enthusiast about things sometimes -  and honestly when I look back i recognize that i’m strong, even if i don’t consider myself strong enough considering how everything still goes wrong and I can’t go back on my feet no matter what, so much my own physical health is sending me SOS. But i’m not blind to the point of ignoring that it takes strength to get this far- i’m just so, so tired of having to be strong all the time and knowing if i let weakness in for one moment all hell breaks loose for me.) 

“Life is a gift it’s ungrateful to tell a parent you never wanted to be born” hi, i never asked to be born, you never made me feel like i had any reason to want to be alive except for what I could bring you and you only, i’ve never thought i’d live past 18 and was s/uicidal at a young age because i felt unwanted and felt like carrying everyone’s burden. Y’know, things we talked about multiple times. 

“ye but your elder sister made it associate to a trauma” well that’s a trauma for me as well thank you very much.

See, this is what actually sickens me with my parents. This sort of thin veiled sentences that somehow hit right in the nest of everything that once went wrong in my fucking life. This sort of little sentences that are even worse to me than actual insults because it disregard again everything we talked about. If i needed more proof (and i didn’t) that my parents never listen to me or care for my feelings outside of what it can bring them, this is a wonderful exemple.

I’m angry, i’m done, this family is a fucking mess, I’m tired. bye. 

#sorry i got extremely angry at my family #ignoreignorebye #ichapersonal #longpostforts

[i-can-be-king-again]

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Nope

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? No, that person dumped me a couple years ago and we stopped talking after a while

What’s the first word of the last text message you received? “okay”

Do you think you’ve changed at all over the past year? I’m being less of a pushover than I've been before and being less of a perfectionist in front of ppl

Is there a song that reminds you of your ex? Do you still listen to that song? “In my head” by Ariana Grande, I listen to it sometimes to remind myself that I'm better off without them

Did you tag anyone in your last Facebook status? I don’t use Facebook as much anymore

How do you behave when you’re drunk? Never been drunk, but I was super tense when I was buzzed lol

What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate, it makes my stomach hurt lol

When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? Last week when I felt like I'm not improving in my self defense class, but I'm always disappointed in that lol

Is there someone that can make you smile, even when you feel like crying? There’s a couple people that can

Is there a certain person on your mind right now? Tell me about him/her. My boyfriend

You’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up, what do you do? Tell them to get tf out my house lol

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I’m so goddamn lonely lol

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Probably not

Are you okay right now? I’m never ok tbh lol

What time did you get up today? around 8:30 am

When was the last time you saw your mom? As of writing this right now, about 10 minutes ago

What is the last thing you drank today? Water

Do you dislike/hate anyone? Trump, my self defense teacher, and this stupid guy in my self defense class

Where is your best friend right now? Probably at home

When will your next kiss be? I’m not going to predict that because I don’t want to jinx the possibility lol

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? Hell no lol

Does anyone completely understand you? My therapist, I think

Who was the last girl you hugged outside of family? A couple years ago I think

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No

What will you be doing in 3 hours? Playing games

How often do you straighten your hair? I already have straight hair so I don’t need to do that

What are you currently looking forward to? This stupid pandemic and trump’s presidency to be over

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? What are you going to do? Probably not lol, mostly waste time

Who did you last hang out with? The person I'm dating(?) at the moment

Did anyone see your last kiss? Nope

Could things possibly get any better? I hope so ugh

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? I have no clue!

Do you ever sleep in jeans? No, that sounds really uncomfortable

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Anxiety and lack of sleep

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? No

Are you in love lately? No

How often do you see your ex? Never, thank god lol

Who was the last person to text you? My friend

Did you like anyone last summer? Not really

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? All the time!

Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am? My friend

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? yes!! I’m fine with either one lol

Are you currently in a relationship? Nope

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Rarely

Would you be shocked if the person you have feelings for texted you? No

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? Not really

What are you planning on doing after this? Probably play some games

Is there a girl you would do anything for? Yep!

Who IMed you on facebook last? An old classmate from college

How old are you? 27

Do you love dogs? I love them!!

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? No, they started coming out when I was in elementary school

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? Some of them yeah

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? Yeah I think so

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? No

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? No

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I don’t own any rainbows lol

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Orange

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? Cartwheel

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Not performed, but one time I saw a comedian at a small venue and they had me come up on stage with him to be his “personal assistant” because I looked super young for my age, it was really fun lmao

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Not scared, but mostly intimidated lol

What size is your mattress?(single,twin,double,queen,king) Full size

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? I don’t eat meat so no lol

Do you sleep in PJs? Yes

Do you prefer watching TV or listening to music? I’m ok with either one

Would you rather watch a movie in theatre or at home? Depends on the movie I'm seeing in the theater

Do you prefer brown or white rice? Brown

Do you like spaghetti? Spaghetti is pretty good

What about lasagna? Lasagna is pretty good too

Do you celebrate Christmas? Sort of

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? No..? I've never heard of that tf lol

Do you like chocolate bars? Not really, I like chocolate in other forms lol

what about ice cream? nah, it hurts my teeth when I eat it

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Mostly mosquitoes lol

Do you get tired easily? Sometimes

Or do you always have plenty of energy to spare? Never lol

Have you ever done volunteer work? Where? I volunteered to help office workers at red cross What about court-ordered community service? No

Have you ever worn contacts?(even just to try them out) I tried but they were too hard to take out and they were uncomfortable

Would you wear contacts on a daily basis? yes if they were easier to take out lol

Are your ears pierced? How many times? Nope

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? I have natural brown hair but from genetics lol

Or were you born blonde? No

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? Not yet lol

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Nope

Have you ever been screened for STDs? No

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? not yet

Did you have your tonsils taken out? No

Did you have your appendix taken out? No

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) I have both of them

Would you(to save someone)?^^^ If it’s a close family member yeah

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? no thank god

Do you like Harry Potter? not really

What about Twilight? I liked it when I was younger, but not now How do you feel about Lord of the rings? It’s kind of boring lol

Are you going to see ‘The Hobbit’ when it comes out? I saw, it was ok

Do you have a glass that says ‘Molson Canadian’ on it? No

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? Nope

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Stainless steel

What size shoe do you wear? 7-7.5 womens

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? Narrow

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? No

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? No

Are you on the birth control pill? No

Or are you trying to get pregnant? I’m trying not to get pregnant, but I use condoms instead

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? black sneakers

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Yes

Can you swim well in water way above your head? yep

Are you afraid of thunder & lightening? No, I love them lol

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? yes

What about a tornado? No

Are you closer to your dad?(more so than your mom) I’m a lot closer to my mom

Were you your parents’ first born? Yes

Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No

Did you trade stickers at recess when you were a kid? No

How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember their name? I think I was 10, I don’t remember their name

Can you even remember what the hell they looked like? Not at all lol

Have you ever operated any type of motorized vehicle before? A car

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? Nope

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr. Dressup”? No

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? No

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? I've never watched it so I can’t have a valid opinion of it

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? I had semi severe stomach problems when I was a baby, and still have them now lol

Do you collect DVDs? Nah, I just rent them

Do you download music? Yes

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? No

Did you skip(jumo-rope) a lot as a kid? Sometimes

Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? roly polies and ladybugs

Didn’t you just LOVE art class in elementary school?! I don’t remember having an art class back then lol

Have you ever played dodgeball? Yes, I'm pretty good at dodging but not throwing

What about Red Rover? No

Have you ever played “What time is it mr. wolf?”? It sounds familiar but I don’t remember it

Do you hate your weight? I’m fine with it

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? yes and still do lol

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? Peanut butter

Have you ever stepped on a snail? yeah, on accident :/

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Mashed

Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? Ankle socks

Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? Sonic the hedgehog lmao

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I don’t know their middle name oops, I think it’s the same name as my dad though

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Both

Would you ever go backpacking across any country? Nah, not interested

Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend

Do you like breadsticks? Not really

Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? No, my house gets cold a lot

What state were you born in? California

Have you ever had a nose bleed? Never had one

How far away do you live from your birthplace? An hour maybe?

Do you have a weak stomach? yes, I hate it ugh

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? No

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? No

Have you ever considered becoming a lawyer? Not at all

Do you *really* like donuts? Hell yeah I do!

Do you think Disney World could ever get old? If I went there all the time, then yeah

If you could, would you hookup with the last person you texted? I don’t like hooking up with people :/

What are your favorite things to spend money on? Games, art supplies, clothes

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? Probably not

What do you usually order on a pizza? vegan cheese with veggies on it Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? I don't have one 😭

Who’s the first person with the letter “m” in your contacts? My cousin

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Puppy!!!!!

How old will you be on your next birthday? 28 😱

What color are your underwear? That’s confidential information lmao

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? All the time, I always have to eat in an area with little to no people.  It sucks

#personal #about me #survey

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #243

honestly too lazy to think up random song lyrics here, so just have the survey.

What is the one thing you remember most about January of last year? Nothing. You look at the clock and it’s 11:11, do you wish? I never do, no. How do you think you will look 3 years from now? I pray the fuck to god I'm finally at a weight I want. And of course more tattoos and piercings. And colored hair. What would be number one on your bucket list? Meet, thank, and hug Mark profusely while ugly crying. How old do you think you’ll be when you make your will? I don't know. You get a text message. who do you hope it is? Sara. Are there any songs that you hear that just make you wanna dance? Not really, no. Do you get any of your songs from Limewire? lol how old is this... but no. I did when it was "the thing," though. You and your best friend get in a fight. Why do you think that is? I don't know. Probably said something that came across wrong over a text. What is your biggest annoyance at the time? Financial shit. You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? Apologize to him if he's even okay with me speaking a word to him and then letting him on his way because I don't want to make him think I'm still stuck on him. I'd wanna know how things are in his life, but I don't want him to get the wrong impression. It'd be better for both of us. Have/are you depressed? I mean I'm diagnosed with depression, but it's well-managed. At the moment I'm not *depressed*, no. Did you grow up in the United States? Yeah. Never left it, even. Do you call anybody "baby"? Besides my cat and snake, no. Who is the one person you can completely be yourself around? Sara. Are your pop-ups blocked on your computer? Yeah. Do you wear earrings on a normal basis? No. How old were you when you realized that life goes on? I don't know... This is such a vague question. But I guess probably when a childhood cat disappeared or died sometime in elementary school. Are your parent’s night owls or morning birds? Well, I don't live with Dad, but Mom is a night owl more than a morning bird for sure. She can be so grouchy in the morning. Do you like to sing? Eh. Who is your favorite author? *shrugs* I don't read enough. How many pillows are on your bed? Two. What’s your favorite thing about the holidays? Seeing my niece and nephew so excited. What is your favorite type of cake? Red velvet, baby. How many rings do you wear on a day-to-day basis? One. Have you ever been in a mental hospital as a patient? Multiple times. Probably WOULDN'T have been multiple if the psych hospitals here were worth a damn. Went to the same one like five-six times and one other and both sucked. It was a partial hospitalization program, WHICH ISN'T AS "SERIOUS" AS AN ACTUAL FUCKING PSYCH HOSPITALIZATION, that saved my ass. What’s your favorite brand of flavored water? None. Have you ever had an ulcer? No. Do you take birth control pills? Not anymore, no. I was only on them for serious period pain, but as of recently my psychiatrist wanted to test out how I do mood-wise without them, especially as it was a regular occurrence for me to be borderline or actually suicidal the day before my cycle started, and the whole week leading up to it was sketchy. So far, I've been fine - I think even better. I was on it for years, and I mean your body changes, so. Do you like soy sauce? Noooooo no no no. Do you have a good doctor? My psychiatrist is literally the reason I'm alive. That's no exaggeration. I would've killed myself by now if it wasn't for him setting my medicine right. I know I would've. My therapist is great, and my primary physician is fine. What’s your favorite store to browse around? Morph Market, ahaha. I love looking at all the reptile morphs, especially the ball pythons. Do you ever meditate on Scripture? No. Do you like poetry? Yes. Do you have expensive tastes? Nah. What is your favorite color? Pink, particularly lighter hues. Have you ever made a scrapbook? Yeah, for a little while when I was younger. What is a question you get asked too much? If my lip piercing hurt. It doesn't bother me, I'm just asked it most. Worst grade you’ve ever gotten? Zeros on things I didn't do/missed. Who are your 3 closest friends? Sara, Girt, and uh... Chelsea, I think. Maybe Lisa. What is something you have always wanted to do? Travel somewhere cool/really memorable. What are you listening to? A playthrough of The Last Guardian. God, I wanna play it so badly. Do you like the smell of cinnamon? It's one of my favorites, omg. Are you in a relationship? No. Do you like the band Hollywood Undead? Yeah. Do you like Taco Bell? Only the quesadillas, THE CINNABON DELIGHT THINGS, and fiesta potatoes. Who was the first person you spoke to today? My mom. Who was the last? I was just texting the woman who adopted Kaiju; she's catching me up on how she's doing, and apparently great! We're trying to plan a day for me to come see her. :> Have you told anyone you loved them today? Yeah. What song is stuck in your head right now? You mentioned HU, now "Bullet" is looping in my head lol. Does it snow where you live? Sometimes, but rarely a lot. What are you currently sitting/laying on? My bed. Have you ever dated a friend of one of your siblings? No. How old is your oldest living grandparent? 80-something. Do you wear contacts? No, I wear glasses, but I wish I could do contacts again considering I desperately want an undereye microdermal but it'd look stupid with glasses, so. Contacts just annoy me. Where are the last three places you went? Taco Bell, my doctor's appointment, and the gas station. Do you ever go hunting/fishing? I would never in my life hunt, and I don't even want to fish anymore. Both are cruel (hunting more than "cruel"...) imo. I'd only ever fish again if Dad asked me to go with him, because since I was a kid, that's always been our "thing," our bonding experience. I wouldn't be able to say no. Do you know anyone who is a nurse? A lot, actually. Would you prefer to own a lapdog or a bigger dog? Sigh. Didn't think I'd want a dog after Teddy, but as of very recently, I've found myself missing the companionship of one. I don't know if I'll end up with another, though, but if I do, I'd want a medium-sized one, like Teddy was. Are you more of a cat person? Yes. What is your worst subject? Math. Do you know anyone who plays guitar? Yeah. Do you play guitar? Not anymore. Have you had to have stitches at all in the last year? No. Have you ever stayed up all night and then gone to work in the morning? No. That sounds like hell. How many relationships have you been in so far this year? It's a week into January lmao. No. Do you prefer to be single or with someone? With someone. Though now that I am single, I kinda think that's for the better right now...? Eh idk. Do you have any tattoos? Yeah. Are you planning on getting any? Oh, plenty. My Mark tribute is getting tidied up by a great artist on the 4th next month and I CANNOT contain my excitement. Did you lose your virginity before you were sixteen? No. Have you ever dated someone who had a child? No, and I never would. What are the middle names of everyone in your family? Wow yeah, lemme share that on the Internet. Where did you go the last time you took a vacation? The beach. Would you ever consider adoption? I don't want kids so like, Who is someone you aspire to be like? Man, there's a lot of people who inspire me in different ways. I think the world knows I look up to the wisdom, determination, dedication, creativity, compassion, etc. etc. etc. of Mark, I adore the heart and empathy of Shane Dawson, Steve Irwin is my absolute idol in terms of passion for animals, and Jeffree Star's work ethic is like, unbelievable. There are plenty others, but those really stand out. How do you feel about your life right now? oof What is your favorite game show to watch? Family Feud with Steve Harvey. He is so fuckin funny. How good are you in trivia games? What’s your best category? Idk. I'm probably best with animal knowledge though, judging from games I've played along with. Would you much rather test your knowledge or share opinions? I guess it depends on the subject and with whom. How do you feel about word games? Fun. Who is your absolute favorite film director? TIM BURTON. THERE IS NO COMPETITION W/ HIM. When’s the last time had to cover a coworker’s shift? Never. Have you ever had a really unreliable coworker? I've never worked long enough to know. Have you ever had to have a ring resized? No. What is a question you would never ever ask somebody? "I would never ask someone what they weigh." <<< This. I'm not a doctor, so I don't see any situation where that'd be an appropriate question to ask anyone. What sounds like a rude word but really isn’t? I'm sure there's something, but idk rn. Have you ever made a blanket? If so, how did you make one? No. How many godparents do you have? Do they care about you? Zero, I think. What is something that should not exist? Rape. Is there a word you have an emotional connection to? It sounds weird I'm sure, but "petrichor" (the smell of the earth after it rains) makes me feel... weird. Nostalgic, anxious, melancholy. Shortly before becoming a couple, Jason and I were just outside at school while it was raining, and we wondered what that smell was called. When we went back to the computer lab (where we were after exams were done), we looked it up and found out "petrichor" was the term. I remember those days too clearly for them to have happened eight years ago. How about a sound? Any emotional connection to a sound? Ummm not that I can think of. Is there something coming up that you are dreading? Not really, no. Do you ever read graphic novels? No. What is the most ridiculous product you have ever seen? Oh idk. Are there any spiders in your home right now? I mean realistically, probably? None that I know of. What was the last thing that made you laugh hysterically? I can't remember exactly what it was, but something on YouTube. I think on Game Grumps. Are there any candy stores where you live? Not that I'm aware of. Do you own any fingerless gloves? Yeah, I still have them in my drawer, actually. I wore them every day in high school. Tell me about the last animal you touched. My cat Roman. :') Have you ever witnessed a birth? Only cats. Can you see your reflection from where you are sitting? No. Wait, yes I can, though only slightly. My snake's cage is just across the room, so I can see against the glass a bit. Quick! Sniff the air. What can you smell? Cat. .-. Have you ever been in a restroom that actually had a restroom attendant? No? What was the last photo you took of? A deer! There were like, seven or eight in the field just across the road a few evenings ago. My lens didn't go out as close as I'd want, but I took some as practice anyway. I only got a few shots though; I came out to the front porch, and after about a minute, they gradually went back into the woods. What do you look for in a mate? Physically and personality-wise. Am I the only one who hates when human couples are referred to as "mates"???? Idk man it shouldn't because we're just animals, but it's weird. ANYWAY, I don't have like, a concrete vision of a partner, but I do have some set-in-stone personality/moral alignments that are musts, such as just being a generally good person, empathetic, you must love animals or shoo, be in touch with their emotions, understanding, soft stuff like that. I also have a strong preference for having a good sense of humor, I lean more romantically towards outgoing people, you gotta be laid-back and approachable... that kind of stuff. Physically, I really, really don't care, but I think we all have preferences; ex., while it really doesn't matter to me ultimately, I tend to find longer hair on guys more attractive than short. Your thoughts on bacon? Ugh, I wish I didn't love it. I wanna be a vegetarian again so badly. What are your thoughts on little kids with cell phones? If they're of an age where they may be separated from their parents semi-regularly and without the constant presence of a guardian, I'm actually for them having *simple* cellphones. Emergencies exist, and even I, someone who doesn't even want kids, would be scared knowing my child is without an easy, quick method of contact with me. Now, remember I did say "simple" cellphones; I don't believe a little kid should grow up unhealthily attached to technology (like me lmao), so especially in developmental years, I wouldn't want my kid to be glued to their phone playing games or roaming the Internet too freely. What was the last lie you told? I'm not sure. Is there anyone in particular you always try to tune out? Ugh, yes. For political bullshit that I cannot stand hearing. Do you work out? No. What was the last thing you ate with a spoon?  Uhhhh probably oatmeal. What is a food that you always are in the mood to eat? Ice cream lmao. Ever held a newborn animal? Yeah. Is there anything you’re in denial about? What? Maybe, idk. Have you ever been to a Chinatown? No. Do you prefer chunky or creamy peanut butter? CREAMY. Don't come near me with chunky pb. Do you stop to pick up heads-up pennies? No. Do you make a wish when you blow out your birthday candles? Yeah, even though I don't believe it does anything. It's just for the novelty of it. Do your pets have collars? Describe them: Bentley just has a blue, average collar. Roman doesn't because he absolutely hates them. What is the last thing you searched for online? Surveys. Do you use any scented lotions? What do they smell like? No. Do you have any friends that speak any languages you don’t understand? I mean yeah, Spanish is common in America.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored

[my-vagina-got-issues]

The start of my journey

Hey guys! I started this blog as a way to document and help other women with my conditions. The other day, June 14th, 2017, I was officially diagnosed with vaginismus. I always knew that I had this condition ever since I saw an episode about it on the Tyra Show( used to love that show btw). I had to be around 9 or 10, pretty young right? Ever since I was younger I always enjoyed exploring my genitalia, but never seemed in my vagina. I guess I always associated anything going in there before I was even aware of it. I'm going to college soon, and I actually am aspiring to become a physical therapist lmao. I fucking physical therapist with vaginismus?! Wtf?! It's like the blind leading the blind right?! But anyways, I think that's really awesome because having this conditions inspires me even more so than it did when I self diagnosed myself. Now that I know officially that I have this condition, I think I finally found out what I wanna do with my life. I think I finally found a passion. And that is helping others with this condition as well as other dysfunctions. This blog is meant to share my struggles, trials and errors, as well as helpful tips from other sites and articles to not only help me but YOU as well. I want as many people to know about this as possible, this conditions affects so many women out there yet many suffer in silence because they feel embarrassed and alone. For those of you who do not know what vaginismus is, it is simply when your vaginal muscles squeezes or spasms when something is entering it, like a tampon, penis and even Pap smears or pelvic exams can become traumatic experiences. Some symptoms include: -Painful sex- usually the first sign that a woman may have vaginismus. Some even say that it feels like "hitting a brick wall" when trying to insert a penis into the vagina -Burning or stinging sensations when trying to insert anything into the vagina -may even have tearing or stabbing sensation There are also two forms of this condition -primary: when you've had it for pretty much you whole life, many refer to this as "lifelong". And when it states lifelong it DOES NOT mean that the condition will be lifelong it just means that it is something that has always been there you just are now finding out about it. Secondary: when you haven't experienced any issues with penetration previously but are now showing symptoms of the condition due to things such as, birth control pills, sexual abuse/assault, traumatic gyno visits, yeast infections, etc. I must admit that this conditions is extremely difficult to cope with at times and can tarnish your self esteems and even relationships. I've struggled with self issues already for the past two days after my gyno visit, I've cried at least 5 times yesterday. I feel like I'm not up to par with other women and have nothing to offer sexually. I feel incomplete and like finding a loving and compassionate partner will be difficult for me. I already deal with body image and acne and now this lol. Wtf am I gonna do with myself I tell ya. Anyways, at least I know I'm not alone, and I feel like I'm already making a step forward with starting his blog. My gyno told me to start off by trying to use some tampons and use some lube to make it slide in easier. I'm also gonna start with some q-tips with long handles to get my vagina used to things contacting the opening and being more comfy with insert small objects inside. I'm gonna start with smaller sized tampons first and then work my way. I have still have pads handy in case it doesn't work the first try, haha! But I'm setting up some goals already. Then I'll see about ordering some dilators. I'm talk to my mom about the dilator situations but I'm 18 now so I can buy and do whatever the fuck I want now lol, but I still want her intake on it. Anywho( I tend to use these kind of transitions a lot lol), if you're a woman dealing with this conditions, please know you're not alone, and you're not broken or inadequate. You're beautiful and never let this condition get you down. You're more than you're twat, you're worth more than anything in this world. Don't compare yourself to others and give your body and your vagina nothing but love and PATIENCE. Things take time and life goes on. While you're getting through this focus on the positive things, try to make the best out of every dilating session, every failed attempt at sex, ever failed tampons sessions or bad gyno visit. Everyone has bad days no matter what, don't beat yourself up, greatness takes time. You will have a fulfilling, hot, sexy, mind blowing, shows stopping sex life. You may have to work harder than most to get it but boy will you love when it arrives! Stay beautiful, stay strong! Show out to my black and brown girls as well, I love you and we will unite ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #470

“how can you choose to let the blind see better than you?”

What was the main character called in the last film you watched? Dewey. What would you name your pet snake if you had one? It would depend on its appearance. The snake I have now is named Venus because of her coloration. Do you like peanuts? Only if they're covered in chocolate or in granola bars in small portions. Have you ever gambled? What was your biggest loss/win? No. What was the last movie you watched? Who did you watch it with? Girt and I watched School of Rock together. What do you eat for breakfast? Excluding the rare occasions my mom cooks something, usually cereal or a sandwich. Do you have a Flickr? I do, but it's abandoned. Anything exciting happening in the month of September? No. When was the last time you had an ice cream sandwich? Oh man, it's been too long. I really want one now. Do you eat breakfast daily? Yeah. What was the last thing to scare you? "Scare" is a strong word, but I was very, very nervous to hear what weight I'd gained since my last doctor's appointment. Do you like mustard? Yeah, I do. Do you have a desktop computer or laptop? A laptop. Do you like to play Jenga? I guess? I don't really have an opinion on it. Do you like Fresca? Not very, but I'll drink it if I really want a soda and it's the only option. How many towels do you use after a shower? Just one. Would you ever flash a cop if you knew you'd get out of a ticket? Um, no thank you. What is your favorite thrill ride ever? I don't like those. I'm afraid of puking or fainting. Biggest irrational fear? Truly irrational, probably whale sharks. Favorite movie sequel? Hm. If you had endless funds, where would you buy most of your clothes? Cloak and Rebel's Market. How many jobs have you had? Three, technically. What is your favorite thing to do in your city? Oh hun, fun doesn't exist here. This place sucks. Have you ever gone strawberry picking? Ha ha, yes... but I was a little kid that absolutely gorged on the strawberries instead of putting them in my basket. The person that worked there didn't make my mom pay for what I did or anything, but they made a joke about weighing me to check the damage I did, ha ha. My face was COVERED in strawberry juice. I wish I could actually remember the occasion, but I was too young. How many times have you seen a doctor this month? It feels like a lot. >_< I had to get blood drawn for two different things on separate appointments, I had a follow-up appointment with my primary physician about my weight, I recently spoke to my therapist and psychiatrist... Could you pull off orange hair? I've actually considered like, a light creamsicle orange. I actually edited a photo of me with my current hair style trying different colors, and that tint looked pretty cute. Do you shave your legs? It sounds dumb, but yes, now that I'm in a relationship. I feel obligated to at least try and be attractive by societal standards. I know it seriously doesn't matter, but I would be so inexplicably mortified if he saw my unshaven legs kalsdj;flkasdjwe What type of weather is your favorite? Snowy! Coolest place you've ever been? Disney World, probs. Do you like corn on the cob? Yeah, man. Have you ever waited tables? No. Build your favorite pizza. Soft pan crust, your average amount of sauce and a good amount of cheese with various meats on it. What did you last get fancy for? I wouldn't say I got like, super fancy, but I wore a nice shirt and a necklace when Girt came over for the first time as a couple. I thought we were actually leaving the house to go out to dinner, but the plan was actually to have Buffalo Wild Wings delivered. It was totally fine by me, I'd just misunderstood. Dream pet? A female Brazilian Black tarantula named Black Betty. :') Do you tend to get clingy in relationships? I know I do. What is the last horror movie you watched? It's sad that I don't know. :( Would you be grossed out if your best friend mooned you? No, I'd just be extremely confused lmao. What is the last thing that you drank? Milk. Currently popular song that you can't stand? I have zero idea what songs are popular right now. What is the weather like right now? Too fuckin' hot to be mid-September. Do you have favorite type/brand of pen? I mean, I like the feel of gel pens. I don't know about brands. What is your go-to snack at the convenience store? Some form of Reese's. Popular drink that you dislike? Coffee shocks the most people. What TV show are you waiting on to return/create a new season? None. What is something you currently want but cannot afford? Oh, dear. -_- Do you have sensitive skin? Very. How many toilets are in your house? Two. Do you have an older sister? Three that I know, one that I don't really count because I know nothing about her and have never spoken to her. What color is your mum’s car? White. Do you live in an apartment? No. Cats are usually cuter than dogs right? Kittens are generally cuter than puppies, imo. Where do you keep your kitty litter box? It has to stay in my bedroom, which I hate. Mom insists on in being in here so I don't forget to clean it. My memory is awful, but I'm preeeetty sure I'd remember to give my cat a clean place to use the bathroom if it was kept in the spare room by the door... Are you rude to little children? No; even if I don't really like kids, that is something I definitely avoid. Kids should never lose their hope in or love for humanity, and I would absolutely hate to be one of those people that makes the human race appear unpleasant. Are you a lighter complexion than your father? BY FAR. He's a mailman so is out in the sun nearly every day, so he's pretty damn dark to be Caucasian. I wouldn't be surprised if by his complexion he's ever been mistaken for being Hispanic, because the color definitely fits. Do you like apricots? No. Are banana chips delicious? Ew, that sounds gross. Do you like kinky sex? I wouldn't know, my dude. I've never really explored outside of pretty vanilla stuff. What is one thing you will never do again? Rely solely on another person for happiness. Would you rather be twice as smart or twice as happy? Twice as happy. That's not even a competition. What would your parents be surprised to learn about you? I very legitimately wonder if I would be disowned for how fucked up some of the shit I write is, ha ha. Mom would probably cry if she saw some of even the milder stuff and force the topic to come up in therapy. If you could have been a child prodigy what would you have wanted to be skilled at? Maybe painting? If earth could only have one condiment for the rest of time, what would you pick to keep around? Hmmm... I suppose ketchup. Do you think it’s important to stay up to date with the news? I think it is, but I don't. .-. What is the best present you could ever receive? An all-expenses-paid trip to South Africa to visit and tour with the Kalahari Meerkat Project to meet and photograph the meerkats. :''''''''''') Would you give up one of your fingers if it meant you’d have free WiFi wherever you go, for the rest of your life? Nah. That's what data is for, lol. If someone told you you could give one person a present and your budget was unlimited–what present would you get and for whom? A new car for Mom. Giant house in a subdivision or tiny house somewhere with a view? Oh, that is SO easy. Give me the view. Well wait, HOW tiny is the house? My answer would change if it was one of those truly mini houses that would make me feel claustrophobic as shit. What was your favorite Disney movie as a kid? The Lion King. Still is. Do you brush your teeth in the bathroom, or do you get bored & roam around? I roam around. Does your city/town have a little festival/carnival every year? Yes. I never really pay attention tho 'cuz I never go. Have you ever been to an apple orchard? No, but I would love to go. Were there any cartoons your parents didn’t let you watch as a kid? Except "adult" cartoons obviously, no. Could you handle motherhood? No fucking way. Being entirely serious, I think I'd either end up dead or horribly depressed, and the kid psychologically damaged to some extent from having an unstable mother. Like do not get me wrong, I'd try very hard, but I know I couldn't stay sane and happy as a mom. Have you ever touched a squirrel? No. What's better, candles or incense? Incense. What movie did you see the most in theaters? I don't watch movies in theaters twice. It's expensive to go even once. Who played the best Batman? Idk. I didn't watch all the movies. Who’s the best American Idol thus far? *shrug* What’s likely to happen next in your family - wedding, funeral, or birth? Uh, I suppose a wedding? None seem likely any time soon. Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Hot. Have you ever taken part in a threesome? No, not my jam. Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? Yep. Which movie’s musical score is truly memorable? Tarzan came to mind very quickly. What’s your favorite scene from the movie Titanic? Idk, I've only seen it once. Which TV show theme music do you remember most? That '70s Show. Have you ever bounced any checks? ... I don't even know what that means. :x Have you ever been snipe hunting? I will never in my life hunt in any way, shape, or form. Do you try to be politically correct? For the most part, but I do believe it's gone too far. Generally though, I try to conform to the "rules" to avoid offending someone. What’s your favorite kind of sea critter? Bottlenose dolphins, various types of whales, sea turtles... I don't think I could pick one. Have you ever tasted locally-made honey before? Does it count if it's from a honeysuckle flower? Do you like to wear toe socks? No, they're mad uncomfortable imo. Have you ever worn bright red lipstick? Yes. Do you think raccoons are adorable, like I do? BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''on the shore'' by otep