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peshcel · 4 years

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Riddle Me This: A Tom Riddle Character Study

[Also posted on Reddit, if you want to comment/share your thoughts!]

Riddle Me This: A Tom Riddle Character Study

*Warnings: some profanity, spoilers, and puns.

‘Twas but a regular Saturday eve when a question of utmost importance grabbed hold of me: ‘Voldemort, why such a You-Know-What?’

You see, while Voldemort appears to be a very classic villain, Tom has proven to be an enigma wrapped in a Riddle (hehe). So, equipped with what I remembered from my BSc in Social Psychology, I also called upon my therapist friend with an MSc in Forensic Psychology to explore what would drive someone like Tom Riddle to become Lord Voldemort.

In this gone-awry Reddit comment, I will drag you along for a deep dive into how our little Dark Lord grew up and discuss concepts like power, control, sense of self, and terror management – all up to the point where Tom Marvolo Riddle introduces his clever anagram ‘Immortal Love Rodd’ ‘I am Lord Voldemort.’

Join me on this character study journey of about 5,500 words (15-30 min) where I try to figure out how Voldemort came to be.

Oh, and be sure to share your thoughts at the end of the ride!

Baby Lord Voldemort: A Pensive Pensieve Trip

“Voldemort is my past, present, and future.”

Long before we found out Snake-face Voldemort had barely a soul left, we thought he was the purest form of evil out there. He had done despicable things before his supposed death and had now resurfaced as a gross face on the back of someone’s head, hell-bent on killing this little kid. As we gradually learned, Voldemort was once Tom Riddle: a charming, brilliant, orphaned Wizard with the potential to go on and do great things. But, we also learned many little tidbits about the circumstances before his birth, about how he grew up and how he portrayed himself at Hogwarts, which has given us just enough to come up with our own theories about his personality and how he was shaped.

So, before we continue, let me quickly arm you with some abnormal psych. terminology. Both Riddle and Voldemort really match the three personality traits of (malignant) narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy, aptly known as ‘The Dark Triad’.

Plucked straight from the Wiki, summarized for your convenience:

Narcissism

is characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy.

Malignant narcissism

is when narcissism is combined with antisocial behaviors; the evil side of narcissism. (I stumbled upon

A Study in Evil: Voldemort, the Malignant Narcissist

after writing all of this, but I highly recommend giving it a read if you want a deep dive.)

Machiavellianism

is characterized by manipulation and exploitation of others, an absence of morality, unemotional callousness, and a higher level of self-interest.

Psychopathy

is characterized by continuous antisocial behavior, impulsivity, selfishness, callous and unemotional traits (CU), and remorselessness. (Better distinguished as ‘primary psychopathy’.)

*Sidenote: the term ‘sociopath’ is quite often used in pop culture, sometimes even interchangeably with ‘psychopath’. The actual diagnostic term is ‘antisocial personality disorder’, as described by the DSM-5. However, there is a difference between sociopathy and psychopathy, a whole slew of them actually. Important to note is that a ‘sociopath’ refers to a person with antisocial tendencies that are ascribed to social or environmental factors, whereas psychopathic traits are thought to be more innate, i.e. genetic causes (x).

We are given facts in the book that suggest psychopathic, antisocial, and (malignant) narcissistic traits are evident in Tom Riddle from early childhood. Using all that information, I want to take you on a ride to see how all these tidbits together shaped Tom Riddle and how that would lead him to become Lord Voldemort (not to be confused with ‘going Full Voldemort’).

The Interplay of Nature and Nurture, and Magic

Psychopathy is believed to be a complex interworking of mostly nature but also nurture, let’s unpack this in regards to Riddle.

Tom Riddle is born to a Pure-blood mother, Merope Gaunt, and a Muggle father, Tom Riddle Sr. When we are first introduced to the Gaunts, Salazar Slytherin’s last descendants, we meet a violent father and son, and a daughter who takes the brunt of it. We are told that the entire Gaunt line has a history of inbreeding and that they are known to produce individuals with violent and unstable personalities. They live in dire conditions but are incredibly proud people and sneer at the mere existence of Muggles. Merope grows up poor and abused, traumatized, ridiculed for her lack of magic that seems to be more the result of the abuse than the cause for it. Not far from their shack in Little Hangleton lives Tom Riddle Sr.: rich, handsome, somewhat of a prat, and the object of Merope’s affections. Being no great beauty and with little to offer, she “hoodwinks” Tom Riddle Sr. and escapes her dreadful life with her family. Merope is soon with child after their marriage and decides to release Tom Riddle Sr. of whatever spell he’s under, but he leaves her immediately.

Let’s consider the circumstances surrounding the conception of Tom Riddle. J.K. Rowling said that Voldemort could not understand love as he was conceived in a ‘loveless union’. However, she also stated that had Merope decided to live and raise Tom, his life would’ve turned out differently by knowing ‘love’. We could understand the tidbits shared by J.K. to mean that a child born into a loveless union would perhaps grow up in a loveless household, would have no good examples of what love is and would not know or be shown love. While Dumbledore hints that he suspects Merope used a Love Potion to “hoodwink” Tom Riddle Sr., we only know that magic was used. I always understood said ‘loveless union’ to be a magical violation – violation in every sense of the word – and that Tom’s incapability to love was due to magic that tried to correct a balance, i.e. the Laws of Magic™ were violated. Now, I’m no Magical Theorist, but this could mean that actual Magic™ is at play in addition to a genetic predisposition to explain Tom’s psychopathic traits.

Apart from these genetic and magical factors, we could also consider the environmental factors that influenced the biological development of Tom. Merope was left destitute and depressed when Riddle Sr. abandoned her while pregnant. In the dead of winter, with a lot of stressors and suppressed magic, she gave birth to Tom at the orphanage and then died. While we don’t know how her pregnancy developed, this being all guesswork, the prenatal stressors and perhaps a complicated birth due to her suppressed magic could have influenced Tom’s brain development. Brain development or deviating brain structures are linked to psychopathy (x). Simply said, the parts of the brain responsible for empathy and guilt or fear and anxiety don’t work the same for psychopaths, e.g. they don’t experience fear or other affects the way others might. In a psychopathic child, for example, this could mean that they would be hard to socialize because they don’t fear punishment even though they might know that it is a consequence of their behavior. It’s also what makes them great liars (psychopaths can ace a lie detector test like no other). It can also mean being more prone to boredom and seeking thrills as a result (low arousal theory). We could even view all of this in light of ‘Magic™ development’ instead of the Muggle term ‘brain development’.

In addition to taking into account these hereditary, biological and prenatal factors, we'd be remiss not to look at the effect of nurture. Now, we don’t actually know that much about Tom’s early childhood except for what we learn during Dumbledore’s visit to Wool’s Orphanage in 1938. We find out that Tom steals from people, has no qualms about hurting animals, scares and bullies other children, and is a consummate liar ‒ all while having/showing no remorse. Mrs. Cole, the matron of the orphanage, refers to Tom as being a funny boy and odd, that he was a “funny baby, too” and “hardly ever cried”. It is conceivable that the caretakers gave him less attention in response to his lack of showing his needs through crying and that he was picked up and held less often. It could also be a chicken-or-egg situation: perhaps he didn’t cry because he learned his cries would not be responded to, etc. Even if we leave magic out of the equation as to why they would find him ‘funny’, it is likely that he showed general ‘abnormal’ responses and behaviors not appropriate for his developmental stage that were unsettling to others. It is easy to assume that this would lead to people distancing themselves from him and alienating him further. Regardless of cause-effect, there are clear signs here that Tom grows up maladjusted and that his attachment style falls somewhere along the dismissive-avoidant. I think we can assume that the lack of developing a relationship with at least one primary caregiver would really put a damper on having any semblance of a ‘normal’ social and emotional development.

There seems to be a clear interplay here of genetic, biological (magical) and environmental factors as the perfect foundation for dysfunctional personality traits to really come to fruition.

Power & Control: A Narcissistic Trip

“There is no good and evil. There is only power, and those too weak to seek it.”

Strap in as we first take a little detour for a quick exploration of narcissism. As previously stated, we clearly see signs of malignant narcissism in young Tom, characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy, combined with antisocial behaviors. What is particularly applicable in Tom’s case is Kohut’s theory of narcissism.

The Little Narcissist

In psychoanalytic theory, primary narcissism in children is part of their development.

It is normal for children to develop self-love and object-love, as Kohut puts it. Entertaining notions of greatness, magical thinking, feeling omnipotent and omniscient and believing to have a certain immunity to the consequences of their actions is all part of this development. It is quite innocent, but it can become pathological. According to Kohut, children are normally gently disillusioned of these grand notions, in a nontraumatic manner, by maturing and becoming part of society. Pathological narcissism, however, develops when the child basically has defective narcissistic structures of the self by having this process disrupted.

This defective structure fits Tom Riddle to a T. In addition, Kohut’s theory of object-love really applies here as well. According to Kohut, either a child has a ‘mother’ to confirm their grandiosity, or they seek an adult to create an ‘idealized parent image’. This means they will seek an adult, someone powerful they can look up to, so they can bask in their reflected glory. For Tom, having neither someone to confirm his grandiosity nor someone to look up to means he creates his own powerful parent. We notice this when Tom explicitly asks Dumbledore about his father being a Wizard, since his mother obviously could not have been; she wouldn’t have died if she was. One can imagine his (narcissistic) rage when this image was shattered later on. His five-year search for the Chamber of Secrets to confirm he’s the Heir of Slytherin is a direct result of Tom’s continued search for a sense of self.

The Narcissist’s Plight: Need for Control

One of our main human motivational processes is the desire for control. Actually, it is perceived control that really helps our general sense of well-being. This need exists and is deeply embedded in all of us. However, when people are tried and tested, feel threatened or powerless, a lack of agency can kickstart all kinds of coping mechanisms to maintain the sense of self. So, simply put: the less perceived control you have, the greater the need.

When we speak of power, we speak of control. If there is anyone who is desperate for control it’s the narcissist. The narcissist is believed to have such low self-esteem and fragile ego that it will, subconsciously, protect itself from being injured at all costs. Controlling your circumstances and those around you is a means of guarding and protecting the ego. Anything less just won’t do. A threat to that control, that power, is a perceived threat to the sense of self.

Power is a concept that really tickles Riddle/Voldemort’s Niffler as we pretty much learn from the get-go. Consider again, for a moment, where and how Tom grew up. His ability to control came from his magic. Seeing as how Tom grew up in an orphanage, not a penny to his name and very few resources, I think that Tom learned early on that everything could so easily be taken away from him ‒ by someone bigger, older, someone who had more power. While Tom could ‘control’ his circumstances to some degree with his magic, he was still a child. He seemed to have an innate understanding of his powerlessness, i.e. lack of control. Perhaps less helpless than other children, but still a child dependent on others. Not only that, but he was dependent on people he deemed lesser than him, less intelligent, less special. Something a narcissist like Tom would deeply resent. The thing here is that viewing others as beneath you or believing oneself to be superior to others is an ego defense to deal with insecurity, shame, rejection, etc. Tom develops this ego defense but also gets confirmation of his grandiosity through having magical power that actually does set him apart.

Rejection is another big theme in the life of a narcissist; one that Tom was very familiar with. He was unwanted and fully made aware of it: his mother ‘left’ him by dying, his father never came for him, he was not chosen for adoption, and there were many other children vying for attention. Attention that Tom did not receive but perhaps believed he was owed. Originating from a sense of entitlement, someone like Tom would come to view any sort of rejection as a slight (for he is smarter, better, etc.). While Tom might not have even wanted such attention or even had a particular need to belong – considering he didn’t view anyone as a peer/equal – the fact that it was not automatically given to him was probably construed as insulting.

Control Through Controlling Others

Mrs. Cole told Dumbledore that Tom scared the other children and that it was hard to catch him at any bullying or other malicious acts. With the ability to control his magic at such a young age, along with being highly intelligent, he was quick to figure out how to use this to his advantage. He could fly under the radar when needed, manipulate those in power, and use his skills to control others through fear ‒ ultimately to protect himself and what little he had, but also relishing how he could lord his power over others, establishing his superiority and showing them all how special he was. I believe that Tom honed the art of manipulation at a young age as he couldn’t fathom other ways of tying people to him, of forming relationships ‒ unless there was fear or a sense of owing. His magic gave him the additional tools to control those that didn’t have it.

Then, a defining moment: Tom meets Dumbledore. Using the same control tactics he has probably used with everyone around, Tom tries to command Dumble to do/say certain things. If you squint, you could even say that Tom was able to put a magical compulsion in his commands. Dumbledore, being who he is, is unmoved and even gently puts Tom in his place, which in Tom’s eyes would be considered a slight.

When Tom learns there is a word for his abilities, he is very eager to show off and be acknowledged for it by someone he could potentially identify with, someone who can show him the path to more knowledge, more power, someone ‘worthy’. For the first time, he encounters someone he wants to impress; he does this by boasting about his abilities. How telling it is that our Little Lord says that he “can make bad things happen to people who annoy me,” – not “mean to me” as the movie had us believe.

Here, Tom seems to have accidentally truly revealed himself – perhaps for the first time, definitely the last time. Out of childlike excitement and eagerness, he has shown his hand, which he immediately regrets when it is not followed by recognition and/or approval from Dumbledore. Dumbledore, quickly catching on to the power dynamics, asks Tom to address him as ‘sir’ or ‘professor’ and immediately establishes his authority. Tom accepts it begrudgingly, “expression hardened”, as he needs Dumbledore to tell him more. Upon Tom’s demand, Dumbledore’s power is then quickly, and casually, displayed when he uses the Flame-Freezing charm on Tom’s wardrobe. If I’m being honest, I always found Dumbledore’s ‘casual’ display of power to be very loaded and quite problematic, ‘destroying’ something of Tom’s where he had stashed his very few possessions. Yet, Tom quickly goes from outrage to “expression greedy” when he realizes Dumbledore was just showing his power and using it to impress, i.e. instill fear (Tom immediately asks Dumbledore where he can get “one of them [wands]”).

When Dumbledore uses his ‘power’ to then confront Tom with his stealing and bullying, Tom reluctantly concedes that he cannot manipulate Dumbledore and doesn’t deny his actions, knowing that ‘being truthful’ is how he can appease and steer Dumbledore. He even accepts the humiliation of having to return the stolen items and apologize to others.

Honestly, the whole interaction between them is so significant, so amazing and so telling of Tom’s typical interpersonal dynamics and relationships. It’s no wonder he starts to despise and avoid Dumbledore. Tom had made himself the master of his little universe, believing that no other has his special type of power. Not only did Tom lose his cool during the conversation, he showed weakness by being vulnerable. As Tom learns when he joins the Wizarding World, Dumbledore is even more powerful than he thought and holds strong political power to boot. Someone like Dumbledore, for example, is not just threatening because of his power but because he can see behind Tom’s mask.

Control in the Wizarding World

The interaction with Dumbledore seems to set the tone for Tom’s understanding of ‘power’ in the Wizarding World. It is something he further internalizes when he arrives at Hogwarts and gets sorted into Slytherin, a House of mainly Pure-bloods. I wholeheartedly believe that this little Snake immediately understood the blood status dynamics at school and the hierarchy within Slytherin House; things beyond his control. It is not a stretch to believe that the Slytherins, in particular, bullied him, ostracised him—rejected him—for his lack of Wizarding name, lack of status and money, and tried to show and put him in his place, thus fueling his rage. So at the age of 11, Tom had the mental acuity to realize he needed other tactics to become influential, to wield his power.

Seeing power and status being inherently awarded to Pure-bloods, the very ones who reject him, his own search for a claim to power/his superiority starts off with an obsessive in-depth exploration of his heritage. It is natural to assume that, along with this quest, Tom educated himself on social politics and how to improve himself. He was able to show humility and regard for others, be inhibited and not boastful. We learn from Dumbledore that Tom at Hogwarts showed signs of covert narcissism: no outward signs of arrogance or aggression, seemed polite, quiet, and thirsty for knowledge. He had already learned how to control certain impulses, ingratiate himself, how to hide in plain sight. He just continued to perfect it; he became above reproach by being the perfect student in the eyes of the adults, while fooling his fellow students and building his own following (feeding his ego along the way). He played into Slytherin politics and managed to establish himself as something to behold and to be frightened of, especially when he learned of being a descendent of Salazar Slytherin – a legit claim to power. He now had proof of something he had always believed: I am above them.

Loss of Control and Terror Management

Throughout his time at Hogwarts, Tom managed to perfect his control over others. Despite all his received praise and accolades, his ego remained fragile. I think the fact that he could not escape his blood status, his class – made especially salient when he had to return to the orphanage during the summer – really fueled his obsession to confirm he’s the Heir, i.e. to strengthen his sense of self.

Apart from the orphanage, Tom spends the rest of his formative years at Hogwarts, where he is, at most, considered a Half-blood if not a Muggle-born – i.e. lesser than. His fragile ego and sense of self is constantly challenged if not outright attacked. What’s even more confronting is that he also still has to return to the orphanage during summer break in the years 1938-1945 until he is of age. A place where he cannot use his magic; where he cannot sow the merits of his efforts at Hogwarts; a place where he has little to no control. He has to go back to being an orphan, in an orphanage, among Muggles. This having to return to Hogwarts is even more interesting to note when you consider there is both a Muggle war (WW2) and a Wizarding war (Grindelwald) happening.

That’s why we should also place all of this in the context of when this all took place. Tom experiences both WW2 and the Grindelwald days while he’s a teenager and still at Hogwarts. While he was safe at Hogwarts during most of the year and the winter holidays, he still had to return during the summer. Let me quickly add here that Grindelwald never attacked Britain, but Muggle London was dealing with (the threat of) bombings during those years, with heavy losses in terms of homes, businesses, and lives. Tom just about avoided The Blitz (Sep 7, 1940 – May 11, 1941) and the evacuation of children of Sep 1, 1939 (although, how he managed that, don’t ask). It’s safe to say that times were incredibly tough and unsafe in those days.

So on that note, let me introduce you to Terror Management Theory (TMT). It basically means that when faced with ‘terror’, i.e. one’s own mortality, the anxiety that goes with it can make people do some really effed up things. People will start chasing ways to boost their self-esteem, their self-worth, and for ways to confirm that their life has meaning and that they certainly are not insignificant or disposable. That they matter. Mind you, this all takes place without people even realizing that this is driving them. This theory rears its head when we speak of racism as well. In trying to elevate their sense of self, people can attach great importance to the group they identify with. They will then seek out ways to confirm their group is superior to others (well, well, well).

This theory seems to also fit Tom’s strange, half-assed Heir of Slytherin shenanigans. Same as what happened in the interaction with Dumbledore, Tom’s glee at finding out he’s indeed special makes him impulsive and greedy, disregarding the consequences and acting out of his ‘careful’ character. He has new power within his grasp, new thrills to seek and uncover. In his excitement, he is reckless and gets Myrtle Warren killed. While the rest of his attacks seem very planned and controlled, perhaps to impress his new Knights but most likely to see how far he could push boundaries, it also shows that he either doesn't think or doesn’t care about potential consequences. He is arrogant and unfearing. He could never get caught. Tom only starts caring when his actions become disadvantageous to himself; Hogwarts would close if the attacks continued, meaning he would lose all that he had skilfully and carefully cultivated.

In short, the need for control can drive one to go to really terrible lengths. Straight up tomfoolery, if you will. And if anyone went to great lengths, it was Tom Riddle’s becoming of Lord Voldemort.

Becoming Lord Voldemort: The Narcissistic Psychopathic Wizard’s Guide to Ultimate Power

“What I was, even I do not know … I, who have gone further than anybody along the path that leads to immortality. You know my goal – to conquer death.”

Before we found out the little tidbits about Tom Riddle, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s motives seemed straightforward: Pure-bloods must reign supreme. Knowing what we know now, it would be too simplistic to state that Lord Voldemort was purely driven by hatred for an imagined inferior Other. Namely because at the core of hatred lies fear. A need for control and the deep-seated fear of losing said control would be something Tom would and could never admit to. It would mean acknowledging that something (i.e. fear) had control over him, in effect a weakness.

He is a Half-blood orphan with nothing to his name, a nobody. He has a smidgen of hope when he discovers he is a descendent of Salazar through the Gaunts, but any notion of tangible rewards associated with that is shattered when he finds the Gaunts fallen from grace into obscurity. There is fear of forever being a nobody, unremarkable; entering the world with nothing and leaving the world with nothing ‒ all the while knowing that he is obviously destined for greatness (hello narcissist, my old friend).

He derived his new sense of self from being a descendant of the great Salazar Slytherin, who ‘rightfully’ detested those of lesser blood. As is typical for the malignant narcissist, Tom really has a ‘transparent’ defense mechanism to protect his fragile ego: projection. His hatred of his own lack of pure blood leads him to distance himself from it, denying whatever undermines his belief of being something special and extraordinary or not being worthy of the name. Distancing himself from that what makes him common and unworthy, he literally takes on a new name and kills off the Riddles. By going to extreme lengths, he can distance himself and 'eradicate' that what he despises most about himself. He is not like those 'filthy' Muggles: the ones he was forced to be dependent on, those lesser beings that deprived him of what he was owed; the ones that left his mother for dead, etc.

His 'great' blood is obviously the reason for his 'greatness', his destiny. Not only was this thought fed by the Pure-bloods around him, but it is the rhetoric that gives him a supply of Pure-bloods fanning at his feet. A thrill in of itself to see the privileged worship him.

Riddle's actions seem to have always been very self-serving. He never preached what Grindelwald did; it was never for the ‘greater good’. It is quite evident in the vagueness of Voldemort’s politics regarding purity. It was simply a means to an end; just a way to see how far he could go in amassing power. The ‘mission & vision’ he proposed was probably one of the few things that Pure-bloods could get behind and would go to great lengths to achieve/protect. For Tom, it was a way of opening doors. Not only financially and socially, but also in terms of access to knowledge hoarded and guarded by Pure-bloods. Becoming and remaining uncontested in every sense of the word would mean being in control. No longer dependent on what others are willing to ‘grant’ him. No one would ever be able to challenge Him, take anything from Him, ever again: the ultimate power.

Control of the Uncontrollable

So let’s turn our attention back to power: what would be ultimate power for a Wizard? Something a Wizard has never done and somewhere a Wizard has never gone before: beyond the veils of Death; surpassing mortal constructs ‒ and defeating something as terribly common as 'death'. I think this seed, this fear, was planted in Tom’s mind from a very young age. We see it when he asks Dumbledore whether his father was a wizard, for his mother couldn’t have been “or she wouldn’t have died”. Aptly enough, this fear of death or anxiety induced by the thought of one's one mortality stems from low self-esteem, which a narcissist has in abundance.

It’s also interesting to go back to a psychopath’s psychophysiology. Psychopaths are believed to have low arousal compared to others and are prone to boredom. They could go to lengths to find a ‘thrill’. Discovering the limits, pushing boundaries and going beyond that would be completely on-brand for a Wizard with psychopathic tendencies. Maybe I’ve read too many fanfictions, but a common thought seems to be that the Dark Arts are highly addictive, so someone like Tom would keep pushing it and pushing it, until he could go where no one has gone before. Thus begins his slow decline a la: ‘A Horcrux, you say? Hold my butterbeer, imma make 7.’

It’s intriguing that he went for dependence on external objects to safeguard his continued survival. Objects that he either entrusted his most loyal followers with or hid in locations that had meaning to only him. He even had a magical living creature be the container. As we saw over the course of the series, it really wasn’t all that foolproof. But that’s the arrogance of Tom Riddle; he believed that while not many Wizards would even go down the path of creating a Horcrux, none would even conceive creating seven. What’s more, how would anyone even have the smarts to figure out his pattern, his way of thinking – preposterous. If only he had known about the Hallows sooner. Alas.

Granted, there were other ways of circumventing mortality. But ‘cheating’ death by becoming a vampire, for example, would mean being a slave to one's own bloodlust and limitations, dependent on others still to sustain you, i.e. no control, still killable. Another obvious avenue would be using the Philosopher’s Stone as Flamel did, but it would not be anything new. Stealing it or copying it would mean nothing to him. He would be ‘immortal’ but weak and feeble, dependent on a stone, also still killable. So it seems that it’s not necessarily immortality in and of itself, but controlling how and when you die.

Conclusion: Spiraling out of Control

To summarize the why, Tom Riddle was a narcissistic psychopath with a high IQ, immense magical ability, a chip on his shoulder and something to prove ‒ and a need to be acknowledged for it. The potent mix of nature, magic, and nurture seemed to have really worked their, ehm, magic (sorry). Tom’s ‘abnormal’ behaviors in his childhood were strong predicting factors for the potential to entertain notions of one day being a Dark Lord. However, the odds seem like they were already in that favor before he was even born when we consider his genetic makeup along with the circumstances surrounding his conception and his birth. The Muggle environment he grew up in and the Magical world he was then introduced appear to be the ‘umami’ flavoring for the mix to inevitably lead him down his self-destructive path.

Tom’s actions and behaviors all seem to boil down to an excessive need for control and the deep-seated fear of losing it. Growing up with Muggles, he used all his talents to exert his control over those weaker, sans Magique. In his peak Riddle days, Tom was quick to figure out he could control people by using his glib charm, his looks, and his extreme intelligence to manipulate everything to his liking. He was able to trick people into ‘wanting’ to give him the things he desires, making people believe that he’s ‘giving’ them something in return. With his psychopathy and narcissism fully taking the wheel, it seems that he no longer cared – or saw the need – to pretend to cater to the wishes of others. Fear became his main tool in the peak Voldemort days; the only thing he deigned to ‘give’ others was allowing them to stay alive, avoid punishment, or allowing them to unleash their darkest fantasies. In chasing evermore control, power, he ends up spiraling. His actions shift from sly, cunning, covert manipulative behaviors to more impulsive, erratic and desperate behaviors, all stemming from a loss of control, of his carefully cultivated power. His mask, literally and figuratively, disappears.

It’s impossible to look past the incredible symbolism and irony of the Horcruxes. In his belief that eliminating and eradicating his weaknesses would make him untouchable, that very pursuit ended up being his undoing. With the killing off of the last vestiges of ‘normality’, he seemed to be completely driven by his impulses (or his Id, as Freud would say). If we add ‘death terror’ to this, it would explain why it went as far as Going Full Voldemort and becoming a mass murderer blindly obsessed with a prophecy that merely hinted at his potential defeat.

Rowling said that Voldemort's boggart would be his own corpse, and I think that makes sense ‒ for Voldemort, that is. His corpse would signify the fact that he could die and thus be defeated, the ultimate loss in the ultimate battle for ultimate power (say ‘ultimate’ one more time!). I think Tom Riddle's boggart would've been a poor man's grave; not only did he die (ugh, lame), but he died with nothing to show for it.

With all that being said, being a psychopath does not evil make. However, Tom Riddle’s dire need for a sense of self, immersion in the Dark Arts, and the mutilation of his soul are what really made him turn into an unmitigated You-Know-What. The destruction of his soul left a shell of a man driven by dark base emotions: Full Voldemort.

The end.

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razorblade180 · 4 years

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Twin Snowflakes Pt4: Check Up part2

Back at the manor, Weiss and Jaune prepare to leave while Nicholas studies. However, he can’t focus on the work. He was making good progress until a chill ran up his spine. His mind slowly drifted as he began to clench is pencil. The feeling of a hand on his back jolts him back to reality to see Weiss staring at him concerned; she wasn’t alone though. Next to her was a girl in a pink arsity jacket with the Atlas symbol on the back. Pink converse match the jacket while navy blue jeans go surprisingly nice with her orange pixie cut hairstyle. A book bag is hanging off her shoulder.

Nick:Mom? Valerie? When did you both....?

Valerie:You really didn’t hear us knock huh? All that training make you scattered brain today?

Nick:No it’s just, where’s Summer?

Weiss:Didn’t she message you? She was supposed to anyways; Summer is getting a check up.

Nick:Oh, that explains it. *rubbing his head* Everything is fine then. So, to what do I owe the pleasure?

Weiss:The date turned into a double date so Valerie decided to keep you company.

Valerie:Looks like it’s your lucky day.

Nick:........

Nick:You’re not prepared for our science test are you?

Valerie:Dust ratios are hard okay!? *opens bag* please help?

Weiss:Have fun! *closes door*

Valerie:So I was thinking about starting with lightning dust then- Nick?

Nick:........Hmmm? You were saying something?

Valerie:Oh boy, Summer on your mind? Not that I could blame ya.

Nick:Shiva popped up moments ago, but I think she’s already leaving. I hope the check up going well.

Valerie:I still think sometimes you’re making up this whole sixth sense thing you got.

Nick:Whay can I say? It’s a twin thing.

Valerie:Well whatever you want to call it I can see that it’s distracting. Conme on man, focus...

Nick:Stop it...

Valerie:Stop what? *smiling* I just think you’re really clever and we both should focus. Concentration is key....

Her playful teal eyes look at his icy blue ones. Teasing him like this will always be one of her favorite pass times. You could always feel the slight tension on their aura rising during this little battle of will before a smile broke out onto his face. Valerie returned the smile with her own cheesy grin then booped his nose. Both of them shared a little chuckle as their aura went calm.

Valerie:You always try to make that same serious face; is that your first line of defense against my semblance?

Nick:More like I’m trying not to entertain your shenanigans.

Valerie:Pfft, last time I checked you willing participate and improve upon them.

Nick:Yeah well....I guess you make me do crazy things. *red*

Valerie:Nicholas.....

Nick:Sorry, I know. Just sort of came out hehe. *opening books* You said Dust Ratios right?

Valerie:(Sigh, this goof ball)*smiles* Yeah.

Nick:Alrighty then, let’s get started.

Valerie:*scoots next to him* Hey.....

Nick:Hmm?

Valerie:I appreciate you.

Nick:*glows faintly* I appreciate you too.

xxx

The check up was proceeding normally for the most part back at the base. Summer layed on what was essentially a hospital bed as she was regaining consciousness. Bright lights strained her eyes a little as they started to adjust accordingly. Penny was at her work station hard at work with Summer’s clothes right next to her. One the other side of her is what really caught her attention though.Several vials of diamond dust and microscopes were visible. Penny must’ve been working with them and whatever data she managed to gather.

Summer:*rubbing her eyes* How long was I out for?

Penny:Oh goody, you’re awake. You have only been asleep for about an hour. When you walked in I noticed that you looked a little restless. Is everything okay?

Summer:Just did some rough training today..... with confronting Shiva.

Penny:*eyes widened* That’s....very dangerous. I recommend that you wouldn’t dive into an unknown situation like that. Last thing you want is to do something irreversible; after all the conditions of your body is-

Summer:Weak, I know! That doesn’t mean I want to be babied! Gasp! I....

Penny:......*frowns* That may have been too blunt. I still have trouble reading the room at times.

Summer:Penny I, I didn’t mean to yell at you. That was wrong of me.

Penny:That’s alright. I can imagine your entire situation hasn’t been easy. Besides, Shiva has said far worse things to me. *hands her clothes* I put them in the wash while you were sleeping; also I made adjustments.

Summer:Thank you, not sure how I’ll repay this. *putting on clothes*

Penny:Nonsense! It’s my job to keep you strong and healthy. Making specialized thermals is just part of the job. I wanted to learn how to make clothes anyways; just yesterday I made matching scarfs for me and my father.

Summer:Well I guess I should get going.

Penny:Hold on a moment. Today is a 100 percent check up remember? *knocks on second door* Sweetie?

Oscar:*opens door* Yeah? Oh, hello Summer.

Summer:Professor Pine! I didn’t think you were here.

Oscar:I was giving you two some space and doing some paperwork. But my office is clear and ready to talk. *holds out his hand*

For as long as she’s known Oscar, that smile always was a source of comfort. The way is lab coat looked slightly big on him and is shaggy hair screamed how he’s not from here; it was a breath of fresh air. No wonder Penny was thrilled about marrying the handsome but dorky farm man; not to mention he’s incredibly strong. He kissed Penny’s cheek and took Summer by the hand into his office. The walls had multiple bookshelves with his deck against the back wall. The light in here bathed the room in a glow similar to the sunset. In the middle of the room was one of those long chairs you would see in a therapist office. Made sense, this part of the exam was more mental and emotional than the logic and physical part his wife just completed. Both of them sit down and look at each other calmly.

Summer:I always forget to ask, you’ve really read all these books?

Oscar:With these eyes of mine, no. My mind definitely knows them page for page though. My office back at Beacon has even more books.

Summer:I’d hope so, you sort of run a school.

Oscar:True, so how are things going? That outburst outside sounded intense.

Summer:*scrunches face* I’m sorry you heard that.

Oscar:You’re stressed, it happens. I’m more curious about if you felt anything during it. When I was younger there were certain emotional situations that had Oz slip out. Not this is exactly the same situation.

Summer:I didn’t feel anything different I think. Just me whining.....

Oscar:It’s not whining.

Summer:Feels like it, especially when so many people go out there way to help me. I feel ungrateful.....

Oscar:.....Have you been keeping a journal like I suggested?

Summer:Stopped using it.

Oscar:Couldn’t fins much to write?

Summer:Ran out of space. I got songs in there that can probably rival Mirror Mirrior. In away, it’s a bit ironic. My mom always sung about being afraid to wake up one day and not recognize her own reflection. Now her daughter has to deal with that fear being a very real possibility; it’s......unnerving to say the least.

Oscar:*taking notes* Well I can tell you from experience, it’s a feeling I know is hard to shake. But I’m living proof that it’s possible to fight for “your” life. I promise that there’s a way for you to take control of your life permanently and we’ll find it.

Summer:*smiles* Pro-Oscar, you’re something else you know that? You make me feel...less crazy about this entire thing.

Oscar:You are far from crazy.

Summer:Feels like I’m not that close to sane either. At the very least I’m weird; my entire headspace is a mess.

Oscar:Actually, let’s talk about that more. Any noticeable changes from what you can tell.

Summer:No, it’s usually the same routine. Whenever she comes out it feels like I’m going to sleep almost. Next thing know I’m just in a vast void of ligh blue and a ice ceiling just as wide. There’s not even an actual floor or a reflection to look out. Well, besides Shiva standing there too. That feels more like looking at some sort of cracked or funhouse mirror. On rare occasion though my headspace looks like my room except the ice ceiling is still there. Worst part is being aware of what’s actually happening in the real world-

Oscar:Yet being able to do nothing about it?

Summer:Having two souls must’ve been rough huh?

Oscar:Not always, we learned to trust and cooperate. In a lot of ways, he was greatest partner I had. All it took was talking.

Summer:Shiva’s made it clear that playing nice is not an option. There’s rarely any talking; just threats and constant fighting. It’s unavoidable though since I get control back only by force or her convince.

Oscar:Can you describe that struggle for control?

Summer:It’s actually gotten a little bit better for what it’s worth. It’s hard to focus on everything around me when it I’m basically fighting on two fronts. Thankfully that goes both ways and I actually fight her off sometimes. *frowns* Other times I need help. It always ends the same though; the space around us slowly crumbles and she fades away. Next thing I know I feel like I’m waking up.

Oscar:And what about when yo almost lose?

A pit in her stomach starts to form. Slowly she pulls her knees up to her chest and closes her eyes to try and collect her thoughts. Oscar patiently waits for the girl’s answer.

Summer:When......when that happens, everything gets really cold. Ice creeps on my feet....and my......my hands. *sniffling* Before I know it my entire body feels like it’s back under the lake, but no one is there to pull me up this time.

Oscar:......I’m gonna do everything in my power to help you Summer. That’s a promise.

Summer:I know this might be a little unprofessional but, can I get a hug right now?

Oscar:That’s something you never need permission for. I’ll even make it better. *clears throat* Penny?

Penny:*opens door* Something wrong? Gasp! Summer is crying!

Summer:I’m tearing up, not crying.

Penny:Either way this is unacceptable! *hugging her* You’re too beautiful to cry.

Oscar:*hugging them* Told you I’ll make this even better.

Summer:*red* Both of you are great.

Oscar:Nah we’re selfish. Just ask Ruby, we steal hugs all the time.

Penny:Ready to go home aren’t you.

Summer:Yeah, I think I’ll walk though so I can clear my head. Last thing I want to do is Nicholas worrying about nothing. *grabs door*

Oscar:.......Summer?

Summer:Yeah?

Oscar:People love you.

Summer:That’s.....what made you say that?

Oscar:Just felt like you needed to hear it. Remember you can talk to a lot of people that love you about anything.

Might as well add mind reading to the list of Oscar’s skills. Summer’s eyes softened in sadness and guilt as she nodded. In that moment, it was obvious he wasn’t talking about Shiva problems. At least not entirely anyways. Summer took another breath as she tried to calm her mind once more and another look at Penny’s desk. Sure enough, plenty of dust vials still there. Sure they were doing their best, but maybe, just maybe..... she could speed things along.

Oscar:Any ideas on her conditions.

Penny:I have plenty of theories but no way to put them into practice. For the time being I’m grasping at straws. What about you? Think this is needs a more supernatural approach?

Oscar:I don’t think it’s magic but these days it’s hard to tell. Are you busy here at all?

Penny:Unfortunately, I have to continue making progress on the military’s energy experiment. *frowns* Are you going back to Beacon today?

Oscar:No, but I wanna go see if maybe I can get some answers about anything. I hoped we could go together. *holds her hand*

Penny:*pouts* I hate our busy schedule.

Oscar:I’ll make sure to come back before I actually have to leave. *kisses her cheek*

Penny:You better! We have our own little experiments to try. Mind telling me where you’re going for answers?

Oscar:I don’t know where it is but I know it exist. I’m gonna go search for the Gods. *smiles*

Penny:.........

Penny:I need answers.

Part 3

#val valkyrie #rwby twin snowflakes #nicholas schnee #summer schnee #oscar pine #penny polendina #weiss schnee #rwby #rwby data farms

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givencontext · 3 years

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Books I Read in January 2021

How is reading going for you in 2021 so far? I read seven books in January. I’m going to give some brief thoughts on each one here, then I need to get to reading some fiction, because six of my seven January reads were nonfiction. The images on these are huge. I don’t know why and I’m not skilled enough to change them, but if you click on the image, it will conveniently take you to the book on Amazon via affiliate link. Happy reading!

Monsters of Men is the third book in the Chaos Walking Trilogy by Patrick Ness. I read the other two books last month. Before I go further into what I thought of this trilogy, let me say that I highly recommend A Monster Calls, which is a graphic novel that will make you cry by this author. Now… this series has been on my TBR for a several years. I was instigated to read it when I saw an ad for the movie Chaos Walking, in which Tom Holland plays the lead character. The first book hinges on this character, Todd, having his 13th birthday. Holland isn’t 13, so I’m guessing there will be some adjustments. Hopefully they will adjust some of the problems that I had, primarily being that Todd has a tendency to be insufferable.

Aside from this, there are some interesting things happening here. I’m not sure they are all done well, but it could make for good discussion. The series looks at colonialism, racism, sexism, education, literacy, patriotism, and terrorism. That’s a lot to cover in three books. There were times it felt like a slog. I mainly stuck it out because I was hoping for Todd to come to certain conclusions at end. Spoiler alert: He didn’t. I was still more satisfied with the end than I was with the middle of the third book. I honestly hope these books will be redeemed by the movies. I don’t know how they will pull off the “Noise.” Oh yeah- in this world thoughts are broadcast for everyone to hear. I am not saying much about that on purpose. It works for me in the book. I hope the movie does it justice. Maybe I’ll revisit this in another post after I see the film. Lots more January books to discuss now…

I learned about Why We Sleep from a video about sleep hygiene. In 2020, I learned some very valuable lessons about being sleep deprived and how you can be affected by it even when you think you’re getting enough sleep. I’ve suffered from summertime Seasonal Affective Disorder for as long as I can remember. I think sleep may be the key to making 2021 different. This book is really well done. It’s based in research, but the author was also funny. I found it informative and enjoyable. The section about how sleep has evolved is very good. If you like nonfiction or want to know more about sleep, I highly recommend this one.

You might see a trend of me reading a lot about brain science. If I mentioned about the last book that sleep is important, it might go without saying that our brains are important. However, just like we neglect sleep, which affects our brains (a LOT,) we tend to neglect our brains in a lot of other ways. When an awesome friend told me about Unf*ck Your Brain I was thrilled. The audiobook is included on Audible, so I get to listen to an experienced therapist talk about brain science while cussing- for FREE! It’s less than four hours long, but has lots of good stuff. The section on addiction was my favorite part of this one.

It turns out Audible has a bunch of free books by Dr. Harper. I decided to pick a short one for a day when I was spending a few hours alone in the car. I decided on Unf*ck Your Adulting. Now, I did turn 45 this month, but I was also born on “the day of childlike fancy,” so I’m not sure I will ever fully identify as an adult. I like that this book doesn’t focus on tactical things like paying bills, changing tires, or other things we can find on YouTube tutorials. This focuses on adulting rules like “don’t be a dick” and “carry your own (metaphorical) baggage.” My favorite rule is “always be a little kinder than necessary.” And I have to say… after reading these rules, I felt so much more like I’m actually doing this adulting thing well.

As a side note, I will mention that these kinds of books tend to give conflicting advice. Dr. Harper has a rule telling you not to make your bed. In the Design Your Life book mentioned below, Benjamin Hardy tells you to make your bed. He doesn’t have as many letters after his name to signify his credentials, so I’m siding with Harper on this one. Although she also notes that her barely-adult son makes his bed. Do it if it makes you feel good. Don’t do it if it doesn’t. And if you decide not to do it, don’t let anything make you feel shameful about that. You get to decide what your own priorities are.

I decided to reread the original Bright Line Eating book. It has just released in paperback, so now is a great time to get it. I have hardcover, ebook, and audio. I am currently helping to moderate the Bright Line Eating Official Facebook group. It’s a free, public group with almost 38,000 members. It was good to refresh myself on what’s in the book, especially the scientific stuff that doesn’t stick like it used to. If you don’t know about this program and how it changed my life, you can read about it here.

This is another audiobook included on Audible. When I saw the title How to Consciously Design Your Ideal Future I thought it sounded great. Who doesn’t want to do that? This is really a collection of articles and this guy likes to use some quotes and examples frequently. If he had been writing a book, those probably would have been edited to be less repetitive. There is a lot of good advice here, but there are times when I realize that I read a lot of these kinds of books and know a lot of this stuff already. It never hurts to hear it in a new way, and I always find something valuable… I just can’t recall anything specific that I heard here except the aforementioned call to bed-making. If you are exposed to much self-development stuff at all, skip this one. If you are new to it, still skip this one and check out the ones listed above.

Again with the brain. I don’t remember how Meditations to Change Your Brain came onto my radar, but there was a short wait for it on my library app, so it is popular. This is definitely a book to get on audio, because they guide you through the meditations. They explain the benefits of meditation and methods to do it so that you maximize the positive benefits for your brain. My favorite is a meditation that focuses on the senses. This is a good meditation resource.

Thanks for reading with me. Leave a comment and let me know what you read this month!

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chefbarry · 4 years

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The Foodie Files, The Final Chapter, Zucchini Bellpepper, Writer of Wrongdoing, Takes a Knee

My last case almost did me in. I was still having nightmares about it and my left big toe was broken for some reason I cannot recall. I don’t really want to get into it here, as I’m trying to move past it, or some other gobbledygook my therapist calls it, but it involved a large shipment of oysters that were way past their prime, the Reno chapter of the Chicago mob (more on that later), and an underage health inspector working his way through community college.

I’ve been thinking it’s time to retire, or whatever retired people do, when they go back into the workforce — run a sketchy private eye firm that moves offices every six months due to questionable arson and fake subpoenas and overdue bills that keep showing up in the mail — and then try to retire again. Take my gal, Raspberry Cardamom, on a long trip around southeast Asia, maybe even open up another office there in some old abandoned warehouse on the edge of sketch, but I’m digressing, and daydreaming again, or what my therapist calls, “dis-projecting”. My lady. She saves me from myself, I’m thrilled to know her — yet disturbed why she wants to hang with me — but I’m trying not to ask too many questions anymore.

So, I had to move to Reno after the previous warehouse incident. I wasn’t even there at the time, but am being sued by my landlord now. I’m trying to work off the damages by helping his college dropout son get into the business. Another reason to skip town, more like skip country, close up shop, maybe write my memoirs, or at least eat a good taco. Plus, the Chicago mob has their eye on me for some reason. Maybe it’s that old hot dog case I never solved. I know it stirred things up back in the day when I was first getting gum on my shoe.

I had to leave before another fire broke out. My landlord would be happy to see me go anyway. There was a clause in the lease about maximum undesirables on the property in a given day, something my lawyer couldn’t even explain. I was packing up my things, and getting ready to seal the envelope with my office key, when they waltzed in. Three of them. Long multi-colored hair, nose rings, Crocs, and “the ‘tude”.

I said, “Sorry, I was just leaving, actually leaving for good, I don’t take any new appointments. “Are you Zucchini Bell-something?”, one of the somber ones said. “Yes, I am”, I said, not bothering to correct her. “Who are you?” She spoke up, obviously taking the lead, “I’m Kite, these are my friends, Vikan and Paolo. We heard about you from Avocado Toast. She says you straightened things out for her, saved her from the paparazzi, and such.” Avocado used to be my secretary, and was best friends with Raspberry. If she recommended these stragglers, I could at least hear what they had to say.

The taller one, Vikan I think, spoke up. “We’re all from California, Orange County. Our parents all went to high school together, and we sort of all grew up together. Lately, we have been having some real problems with all the actors, musicians, fitness instructors, so-called nutrition experts, and models out there. We came here to get away, but we have to keep moving. We think they are following us. You’re our last hope, Zucchini!”

I sat down. “OK, what’s the problem?” I asked. Vikan continued, “So we all sort of are in this band, play small clubs from time to time, so a lot of people know us, but lately it’s been getting out of hand. After a set we get bombarded with crazed and scary-looking folks. They’re obviously not fans. They look hungry and angry.” “Describe them to me”, I said, getting intrigued. He said, “Well, they talk really fast, are not in the clubs to drink any alcohol, and don’t even snack on the free pretzels at the bar. They come over to us and start blaming us for waking up hungry, having nightmares, and one of them said on time, that she stared at her cats for too long one time, whatever that means.

“We’ve never seen these people before, and the celebrities started to have their people call our people, really our parents, to complain about something called self-cannibalism, cravings for Cuban food, and the boredom of lettuce wraps. We have no idea what they are talking about. We’re trying to put out some good music, and, sure we all eat at different restaurants, which we’ve always done, but...”

“Wait a minute!”, I said seeing where this was going, “I think I know what’s going on. Why don’t you all have a seat?” Paolo spoke up, “Do you really think you can help us? I mean, we have to get back to California, we have shows lined up, but are kind of scared to go back there.” I said, “Here’s what’s happening. I don’t think you know what kind of effect you have on the world at large.” Vikan got excited, “Do you mean our latest record? I know it’s just a demo, but wow!” “No”, I said, “This has nothing to do with music. It’s your names and what they are causing. Do you know why your parents gave you those names?” Paolo replied, “I mean they said they wanted to name us after something special that happened in their lives, but never really told us about it. They seem like normal names to us I guess.”

I went on, “You see there are these food fads that have been out for some time, and though they might help people at first, they aren’t sustainable, and can actually do some damage. Paolo, you were named after the Paleo Diet, which your parents probably were on at the time you were born. It’s very confusing, it’s supposed to mimic what humans ate during caveman times. It makes some good points about how agriculture wasn’t developed yet, and food was hunted and gathered for survival. But we have adapted since then, our digestive system has developed, our DNA has evolved, and there weren’t any food processors back then, so how did they make orange sesame sauce or zucchini noodles? Plus, there can be many vitamin deficiencies related to this diet, and high levels of saturated fat and protein, which can be toxic. Plus, I don’t trust any diets that say you can’t have hummus and pita chips.”

I turned to Kite next and said, “You have it a little harder, toots. Imagine being on a Paleo Diet, then being forced to live inside a garbage bag with no air circulation. You were named after the Keto Diet, sadly. This diet has everyone turning into zombies. It’s even more restrictive with higher levels of saturated fat and protein, and only the lowest-carbohydrate vegetables like lettuces, greens and broccoli. It forces your body to lose weight artificially from not only stored fat being used as fuel, but your body losing muscle and tissue mass as well. So, you think you are losing weight, but some of the weight is actually part of your body. After a couple weeks there could also be permanent liver and other organ damage.

“A lot of these diets were created by “nutrition experts” that were trying to sell books and supplement programs, and not really concerned with an overall healthy lifestyle eating program. Plus, I don’t trust any diets that say you can’t have your morning oatmeal with blueberries, c’mon! I gotta keep regular ya know?!”

Vikan turned to me and said, “What about me, Zucchini? I mean my parents seem like they eat normally, we just don’t eat any meat or fish or seafood or turkey or dairy or eggs or anything fun. We seem to have a lot of potlucks, though, with foods that come in oval-shaped ceramic baking dishes. I love me a rockin’ scrambled tofu!”

I had texted my squeeze, Raspberry, after these scoundrels first walked in, and had her stand in line for a couple of hours at one of these joints that sells chicken sandwiches. I knew we’d be here awhile. I said to the group, “Well, certainly she was named after the Vegan Diet, which is virtually the opposite of both Paleo and Keto Diets, so I’m not sure how all your parents got along back in the day. While there is certainly nothing wrong with eating a mostly plant-based diet, with foods from every kingdom, including mushrooms, vegetables, fruits, legumes like lentils and peas, beans, sea vegetables, and whole grains, which I call “smart carbs”. These are slow-burning foods that don’t raise your blood sugar, and take a long time to digest, so your body uses the calories as fuel in a sensible and sustainable manner.

“The problem is most people don’t eat all of these foods, or know where to buy them or how to cook them so that they taste really good. Plus, you have to eat complete proteins like quinoa, wild rice, and other grains mixed in with legumes, seeds, nuts, and beans to get a complete nutrition profile. Most vegans or vegetarians simply don’t eat any meat or other animal products, but are not necessarily making good food choices, like eating organic, local and sustainable whenever possible, or eating plant-based proteins, and a wide variety of foods.

I like to eat this way, but after a day’s work, I don’t have the time to cook for hours. I like to eat like a vegetarian, but with meat on top! And Raspberry, well, she tries, but we try to at least eat organic and so on. And... oh, look, here she is now!”

We were all starving at that point and dug into those controversial chicken sandwiches, even Vikan. I made a mental note to have a really good walnut salad for dinner. I looked around and thought, I know how we can get these kids back to California without anyone bothering them anymore. We made a plan. We called up all the agents and fitness instructors, and got them to agree to put these chicken sandwiches in everyone’s trailers, green rooms and lockers. This way, the aroma attacks them when they come back from training or performing, and they can’t resist. Afterwards, they’ll rethink their fad diets and come to their senses, fire their nutritionists, and even the vegans will have a cup of bone broth once in a while maybe.

I closed up the office for good this time for real. Said goodbye to our guests, and refused payment. I was good, clear-headed and ready for my next adventure. A couple days later I got a check in the mail from one of these chicken franchises thanking me for increasing their stock valuation. Raspberry and I took the money and, well, I can’t tell you where we’re going, because I think the nutritionists’ union is after me.

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picascribit · 7 years

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Discards: original notes

Because someone asked about my writing process, I’ve decided to share with y’all the original notes I wrote up for Discards when the idea first came to me, all at once in the middle of the night (which I just happened to find in my email drafts). You can see how much the story evolved from my initial thoughts. You’ll notice a few ideas that were dropped from the final version, some pretty significant ones that were added in later, or grew in the telling, and how some of it survived the whole process, and ended up exactly as written in the finished story. Putting it under a cut because it’s very long.

R/S in their early 20s. S is a librarian at the main branch of the seattle public library. R is a community college student studying psychology and gender/sexuality, with an eye towards working with LGBT youth.

Remus was kicked out by his parents when they found out he was gay at ~15/16. He dropped out of high school, and did survival sex work, living on the street. He contracted HIV, but was lucky enough to catch it early. He's managing his condition. Be sure to work in mentions of taking his meds and seeing doctors. Still homeless, but working hard to get out of it. Got his GED, and some community college scholarships. Still sleeps at shelters or rough. Can't get benefits if you're a student?

At a shelter, he met Lily, who was there with her family. Since then, Lily's parents got subsidised housing, and Lily lives with them in their one bedroom apartment. Petunia moved in with her boyfriend. Lily works as a waitress, and volunteers at a soup kitchen on weekends, where Remus is still getting some of his meals. Sometimes Remus crashes on Lily's floor, but they don't really have room for him.

Remus is still doing sex work to pay for some of his college, some food, bus fare, and study drugs that keep him alert and focused.

Sirius was also kicked out by his very wealthy parents as a teenager, possibly for being trans. He moved in with Jame's family, and is still living with them, but he's trying to work towards independence. Wants to get his own place, pay for his his own top surgery, etc. James's mother got him the library job.

When the story opens, SB has been watching this cute hipster looking guy at a study table for half the day, whenever he has a spare minute. Knows he's not supposed to hit on patrons. Watches RL go to the self-checkout computers at the end of the afternoon, and search his pockets before coming over to the desk.

"I forgot my library card. Is there any way I can still check these out?" "Sure. What's your name?" "Remus Lupin. L-U-P-I-N." "Phone number?" SB asks, wishing he were asking for himself, and knowing it's not ethical to copy down a patron's number. RL gives it to him. SB begins to check out the books, noticing that they're all about sex and sexuality. "They're for a class," RL says, blushing. "I wasn't going to ask," SB assures him with a smile. "Patrons' interests are none of our business." RL thanks him and hurries out. Remus, SB thinks. His name is Remus. hopes he'll come back soon.

A week or so later, SB encounters RL in the stacks when he's reshelving books. Human sexuality section again. Tells him not to reshelve books himself, since one of the metrics library funding is based on is how many books they reshelve. RL hesitates, the book halfway onto the shelf. "Oh. I didn't know that." He pulls the book back, hesitates again, and then pulls three more off the shelf. "Should I just give them to you, or ...?" "You can give them to me. Or leave them on the cart at the end of the row." RL hands him the books. SB notices RL is a few inches shorter than him, and has long fingers. "Thanks. Remus, right? I'm Sirius. I checked you out the other day." SB says, belatedly remembering that he's wearing a nametag, and that Remus already knows his name, if he cared to look. RL looks startled to be remembered, but nods. "So, you're a student? What's your major?" SB asks, knowing full well that he's not supposed to be asking patrons personal questions. RL nods and tells him about studying psych with a focus on gender/sexuality. "Oh. That sounds interesting." "It is." Awkward silence. Sb wants to keep talking to RL, but RL is wary of strangers and of letting people get close to his life. "What are you thinking of doing with it?" "I want to be a counselor or therapist. Find find a way to do some good in the world." "That sounds noble." "I guess," RL shrugs. "I just want to help people." RL throws SB a bone. "Working in a library must be pretty interesting, too. Did you study Library Science." "Nah, I haven't been to college yet. My mom's a big patron of the arts. She talked to some people and got me the job." "Oh," says RL, closing off a little more. "Well, that was nice of her." "Yeah." more awkward silence. SB wants to let RL know he's queer. Reaches past him for a book on the top shelf, with an unambiguously queer focus (maybe Levithan's anthology). "I recommend this one, if you're interested in queer studies. It's one of my favourites. The editor writes some really good queer YA fiction, too, if that's your thing." "Thanks," says RL, adding the book to his stack. "I'll check it out. And check it out." They both laugh awkwardly. "Well, see you around," says SB. "Yeah. See you."

[Scene with SB and JP, where SB tells him about this cute guy he met at the library. "You're always meeting cute guys at the library." "Yeah, but I think this one might be queer. At least, he's studying gender and sexuality. I don't think a lot of straight guys do that." JP shrugs, and lets SB gush a bit. "So are you going to ask him out?" "I dunno. I mean, I can't at work, can I? It's unprofessional. I'd have to find a way to see him outside work, and ask him then." JP laughs. "Catch-22. You can't see him outside work unless you see him outside work." SB laughs, too, but then sobers up. "If I did ask him out, d'you think he'd mind about -- you know." JP shrugs. "Probably only one way to find out."]

A few days later, RL comes right up to the desk to check out his books, not even bothering with the self-checkout computers. "I read that book you recommended. It was really good. Thanks." "I'm glad you liked it." RL has one of Levithan's fiction books in his stack today. "Oh, that's a good one, too. I hope you like it." RL gives him a smile. "I'll let you know."

[maybe this is where we follow RL to the bus, and to the soup kitchen, see him talk to LE about the hot guy at the library who he thinks might have been hitting on him. "I've never given a guy that hot my number before." "ooh! You gave him your number?" "Not really. He asked for it, professionally, when I was checking out books." "What does he look like?" "Tall, dark hair, gray eyes. Way out of my league." "Don't sell yourself short, Remus." RL rolls his eyes. "I'm not exactly a catch, am I?" LE smiles at him. "I'd catch you. If you were into girls. I bet we'd both get moved up the housing list if we got married." RL laughs, knowing it's half a joke. "You'd be wasted on me. Someday you'll make some guy very happy." "So will you. What makes Library Boy so unattainable, anyway?" "He said his mom is a 'patron of the arts'. Probably means he has money coming out of his ass. Unless he's into homeless guys, I'm probably out of luck." LE asks him if she can walk him to [shelter name]. RL says he has to work. She hugs him. "Stay safe."]

Next time he's at the library, RL is stretching and thinking about how hungry he is, when SB appears at his table. "Hey, I'm just about to go on my lunch break, and you look like you could use a break, too. Care to join me? My treat." RL hesitates, but there's no way he can turn down free food, and SB is hot. He packs up his books and papers and follows SB to the library cafe, where there is nothing more complicated than soup and sandwiches. "Get whatever you want," SB tells him. They get their food and find at table, and then RL realises that this means he's going to have to talk to SB about himself. Don't panic, he tells himself. Stick to school stuff. Not actually sure this is a date, but suspects it is. Sb asks if he liked the Levithan book. RL says he hasn't had a chance to read it yet. It's been a busy week. SB talks more about which Levithan books he loves (maybe mention some with trans characters), and how he has been reading them for ages, ever since he first realised he was queer. "Sometimes it seemed like they were my only friends. Apart from James." Tells RL about getting kicked out, and living with James's family, and how lucky he is, but doesn't mention yet being trans. RL doesn't talk about getting kicked out, because he doesn't want to tell SB about being homeless, but he agrees that SB is lucky, and says his own parents weren't thrilled about his sexuality, either. "It sucks, doesn't it?" says SB. "They tell you your family are the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, but sometimes they can be the biggest, most judgmental dicks of all." "Yeah." Now that they are out to each other, RL can talk a little bit about wanting to work with queer youth, who are at high risk of homelessness, mental illness, and exploitation. SB thinks it's great RL is doing that. RL thinks it was the only way i could save myself: by realising that if I did, I could save other people, too. When SB's lunch hour is up, he says this was nice, and maybe they could do it again sometime. RL doesn't want to commit, in case SB might say it's his turn to treat next time. "Yeah, maybe."

[Scene where SB and JP talk about the "date". SB comments that it always seems like RL is ready to run off, or like he's afraid someone is going to jump on him.]

On another day, RL falls asleep, exhausted, at a study table. SB wakes him at closing time. RL is dismayed and starts shoving papers and books into his bag. He has classes that evening, and he's going to be late. Sb says he's off in 10, and can drive him, which is faster than the bus. RL hesitates, then agrees. He's starting to worry about being in SB's debt. There is a severe imbalance in their relationship to date. In the car, SB is kind of nervous. Tells RL that he doesn't want him to feel like he's trapping him or anything. but he's not allowed to hit on patrons at work, and he really likes RL, so here's his phone number, if he ever wants to talk or text. Again, RL says, "Maybe. Thanks."

[scene where RL and LE discuss the situation, and LE asks if RL is going to call SB. RL still isn't sure.]

[Scene of texting. "Hey. It's Remus." "Hey. I was hoping you'd text. What's up?" "Not much. Just been talking to my friend Lily." "Lily, huh? Should I be jealous?" "Probably. She's pretty hot. If you're into girls." "And you're not?" "Nope." "Well then maybe I should meet her." "Are you into girls?" "Sometimes." "Fair." "I'm more into boys, though. There's this cute guy who keeps coming into the library. I'm not sure he's into me, though. Always seems like he's looking for an escape route." "Maybe if you tell me a little more about him, I can help you figure it out." "Well, he's smart and good looking, and he's going to school so he can learn to help kids." "You make him sound pretty good. I think I've seen him. Skinny as a stick? Always looks tired?" "emoji* The guy I'm thinking of is medium height, with light brown hair that he uses to hide the most gorgeous brown eyes you ever saw. Think someone like me might have a shot with a guy like that?" "Maybe. Someone like you could have a shot with a lot of guys." "*smirk emoji* You think if I invited him for a stroll down the Dewey Decimal trail next time he's at the library, he'd say yes?" "I guess you'll have to ask him when he comes in tomorrow afternoon." "I might just do that. Thanks for the advice." "No problem. Let me know how it goes." "I will. Good night." "Night."]

Next day, RL is having some second thoughts about the late night texting. Thinks he let his guard down too much, and gave Sb too much encouragement, when RL can't follow through without telling him things about his life that will probably scare SB off. SB approaches him and says, "I've got a break coming up, and a little bird told me you might take a walk with me from the reference section down to xxx." [describe layout of SPL] RL has decided that he needs to talk to SB about how he can't do this, and a walk is as good a time as any, so he packs up and follows him up the stairs to the top of the catalogue. Every now and then, they stop to "sightsee" a rare book that SB thinks is interesting. Somewhere in an empty row of biographies, RL turns to SB and says, "Listen, I really like you, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page before things went any further." "Oh. OK," says SB, looking a little disappointed. "Does this mean the rest of our walk is canceled?" "No. It doesn't have to be." "Good. So, with the understanding that this isn't a relationship, and isn't going to suddenly turn into one, would it be OK if we held hands?" "Um ... sure." SB's hands are warmer than RL's, but they are both damp and clamy with nervousness. Sb seems content for the rest of their walk, and they talk about inconsequential things. SB shows off some more books. Down at the low numbers, they find themselves in a quiet spot again, and SB turns to RL and asks softly, "So, just as friends, would it be OK if I kissed you?" RL's heart is pounding. He doesn't think he's ever kissed anyone as attractive as SB before. Certainly no one as attractive as SB has ever expressed an interest in kissing him. He nods. The kiss is very warm and pleasant, and leaves them both a little breathless. SB has to get back to work, and RL to studying, but it's hard for him to focus. He takes a pill and continues, trying not to think about SB's soft gray eyes and pink lips.

[Scene between SB and JP. SB is halfway on cloud nine because of the kiss, but disappointed that RL isn't interested in a relationship, and also that RL left the library without saying goodbye.. "If you get to kiss him anyway, then what's the big deal? He likes you. Be happy." "I dunno. I guess you're right." "Have you told him about ...?" "Not yet. I mean, it doesn't really matter unless things are going to go beyond kissing, does it? And if we only ever see each other at the library, that's not going to happen."]

[Scene between RL and LE. RL is kind of freaking out and wondering if he should have let SB kiss him like that. But it was really nice. Can't remember the last time someone kissed him that way. Tells LE about telling SB he doesn't want a realtionship. "Why not?" "Because ... I can't. I can't have a relationship with someone without telling them everything. And if I tell him everything, it's over." "You don't know that." "I do. Just ... let me have this for a little while." "You deserve to be happy, Remus." "Yeah, well, how many people actually get what they deserve?"]

[texting conversation where RL apologises for not saying goodbye before leaving the library. "Big surprise. The guy who looks like he's always going to run off ran off." "Yeah. Sorry. I kind of freaked." "It's OK. I know you'll be back. If not for me, then for the books." "Yeah." "Sorry if I came on too strong. I didn't mean to scare you off." "I didn't mind." "Are you going to start avoiding me now?" "No. I don't think so." "Well that's good. So what do you think are the chances of it happening again sometime?" "I'm not looking for a relationship, Sirius." "You said. kissing does not equal relationship. At least, it doesn't have to if you don't want it to. I enjoyed kissing you. I'd like to do it again sometime." "I liked it too." "Good."]

The next couple of weeks, RL makes as much time to visit the library as possible. He and SB kiss in many deserted rows, and SB shows him some of the library's rare book rooms, which are often empty. When RL goes to check out his books at the end of the day, SB mentions to him that he has an overdue. "Yeah. I'm not done with it yet." "I can renew it for you." "Thanks." (might need to start this part earlier in the story)

Weeks pass, and the same book is overdue again. "Still not done with it?" RL can't meet his eyes. "No." SB renews again. Next time the book is due, there's a hold on it. SB can't renew it. Library only has one copy. "Sorry; you'll have to bring it back next time." RL doesn't and doesn't and doesn't. Finally admits the book was lost. "Oh, that's too bad." says SB. Looks up the replacement value, and sucks in his breath. "Ooh, that's a pricey one, too. That sucks." Tells RL the amount. RL looks pale. No way he can afford to replace the book. He'll ask whether the library will send a notification the the address he has on file, and asks them not to, because it's his parents' address. Sb says he can update RL's mailing address. RL says no. Can't check out anymore books with a fine that large pending. RL just has to use books at the library after that, which is very inconvenient. Gets snappish when SB asks if he wants to get a coffee. Says he doesn't have time for that. He needs to use his library time to study. SB says, "Look, is it the fine? It's not a big deal. You can pay if off over time." "Yes, it's a big deal," RL hisses. "It's a very big deal to me, Sirius. I can't pay it off. Now or ever. I have student loans coming out of my ears. I don't have steady employment. I have to eat. Don't you get it? I have no money." "Well, could you borrow it from you parents?" RL winces. "No." "I could pay it for you. I don't mind." "I don't want to be in debt to you." "You wouldn't be." RL looks at him, unconvinced. "Wouldn't I? No thanks. Our relationship is unbalanced enough as it is." "I thought we didn't have a relationship." "Our -- whatever this is." Rl waves a hand between them. "I don't want you paying my way, just because you have money and I don't." "OK, then what do you suggest? Because you clearly need to check out books, and you can't right now." "I'll just study here," RL mumbles. "I'll be fine."

RL goes out and works for a few nights. Doesn't come back to the library for a few days. When he comes back, he looks tired, but he has the money in cash. "Here. That's all of it. I can take out books now, right?" "Yeah." RL's hair is hanging down to hide a bruise. SB finds him later, and asks if his parents hit him. "I thought you weren't supposed to ask patrons personal questions." "I wasn't asking as your librarian, I was asking as your friend." "Then no. It wasn't my parents."

[one-sided text conversation, a few messages from SB, asking whether everything is ok. No reply from RL.]

As finals approach, RL becomes more exhausted-looking and strained. There is no kissing happening anymore. SB is becoming more and more worried about RL. Tells him he has to take breaks. It's not good for him. Hasn't even seen him drink water since he sat down this morning. "Have you been spying on me?" "No. I've been worried about you. C'mon, at least come get some coffee. I'm buying." RL is too weak to argue, and coffee sounds lovely. He stands up, takes a few steps, sways, and starts to fall. SB catches him. "Are you OK?" "Just -- a little lightheaded." "When was the last time you ate something?" "I dunno. Yesterday?" "Fuck. I'm buying you lunch. No arguments." RL follows him meekly. SB watches him eat, like a hawk. "You look like hell. why haven't you been eating?" RL shrugs. "You need to eat to keep your strength up and keep your brain working. You want to pass your finals, don't you?" "Yeah." "So?" Rl shrugs again, looking down. "Food costs money." "You can't afford to eat?" "I can't afford to do lots of things." Sb offers to drive RL home at the end of the day. Doesn't want him fainting on the way. "I'm fine now. Thanks." SB is unconvinced. The more he pushes to drive RL home, the more defensive RL gets. SB gets exasperated. "You tell me you can't afford to eat, you won't let me see where you live, and you show up with bruises on your face. what the hell is going on, Remus? If you're in trouble, I want to help you." "Well, you can't. And I won't let you." "Will you at least tell me about it?" "If I do, you might never speak to me again." "That's ridiculous. What could possibly be that bad?" RL finally tells him about his parents kicking him out and being homeless. How he sleeps at shelters sometimes or crashes on a friend's floor, or sleeps rough. SB stares at him. "You made out with a homeless guy. Are you grossed out yet?" "No. But -- you're going to school. You're not homeless homeless. Are you?" "Yeah, I am. A lot of people have jobs and go to school and don't have a place to live. I'm trying to get out of it, but it's kind of hard." "Yeah, I bet," says SB, looking stunned. "You have no idea. You couldn't possibly." "Probably true. Won't you -- let me do something for you?" "No. I don't want your charity." "And I don't like seeing my friends suffer needlessly." "Well, there's one easy solution. You don't have to be friends with me." RL gets up and walks out.

[discussions with BFFs. Does SB tell JP? Does JP think RL was trying to shake SB down for a handout? "I don't think so. He seemed pretty adamant that he didn't want anything from me." "I can't believe you had a crush on a homeless guy." "Have." "What?" "I have a crush on a homeless guy. He's still a great guy. He's just going through some hard stuff."]

Next time RL and SB see each other, RL asks "You aren't going to try to give me anything again are you?" "No. But if you need a friend to talk to, I'm here." "Thanks," RL tells him grudgingly. RL doesn't take him up on it right away.

Eventually RL tells him about having sex with men for money, and being HIV+. Of course SB is shocked, but at the end of it, he still wants to kiss RL and does. Asks if that's why RL didn't want to have a relationship. "Pretty much." "You still don't want to?" "I dunno. Why? Do you?" "Maybe."

Maybe the happy ending is SB getting his own place, and RL graduating from CC. SB says RL can come over any time he needs to. Do SB and James get a place together? And RL brings LE to their housewarming?

#pica's fanfic #discards

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manage-management · 7 years

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corneliussteinbeck · 7 years

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GGS Spotlight: Laura Franklin

Name: Laura Franklin Age: 30 Location: Davidson, NC

What does being a Girl Gone Strong mean to you? It’s about finding and embracing your power in whatever form it comes. It is about owning your space and being comfortable in your skin. It’s having the courage to take on new challenges and get outside of your own box. It is nothing more and nothing less than fully embracing yourself and your potential.

How long have you been strength training, and how did you get started? I’ve always enjoyed the notion of being “strong”. I worked with a catering company from the time I was 14 until well into my mid-20s and I loved being able to pick up the heavy stuff without assistance. We had some basic exercise and strength training equipment at my house growing up, I occasionally frequented a gym in high school and college, I did lots of at-home workout programs. But I didn’t find my groove with strength training until after my daughter was born. I found myself in a CrossFit style gym in early 2015 and signed up for their intro course. Why not, right? Had to get that pre-baby bod back after all… (I was serious about this then, I’m sarcastic about it now.)

I loved it, but what I loved most were the strength components — not so much the mayhem of the day’s WOD and sprinting all over the place. It was fun, but only fun in a group. However, me and the barbell? Yes, please!

What does your typical workout look like? Whatever my SYC coach, Jen Comas, has programmed for me that day! Ha!

I like some variety and, like everyone, I have my favorite exercises. It usually goes something like this:

Brief warm up (really brief if I’m in a hurry)

A few sets of a bigger lift or two (deadlift, squats, bench press)

Lighter or bodyweight sets with more variety (push ups, pull ups, core work)

Cooldown (yoga and stretching)

The days vary too, so one day would be more upper body focused, then lower body, and then total. SYC programming covers it all!

Favorite lift: Oooh, that’s a close tie between deadlift and bench press! I feel like a badass deadlifting and once I started pulling numbers over 200, my personal badassery increased even more. When I started lifting in 2015, my three-rep max was only 160 pounds so hooray for improvements!

The bench press and I have a more tumultuous relationship. I love the way that lift feels, but it’s one of my weakest ones, so every time the weight increases just a little bit I do a happy dance. Breaking three digits was an awesome accomplishment and yet there are still days I can’t quite do it.

Most memorable PR: Breaking 200 pounds on my deadlift. It had been a goal for me since my first deadlift. I just wanted to crack 200 pounds and I pulled over 215! Utter badassery.

Do you prefer to train alone or with others? Why? Alone. Having a spotter from time to time would be nice but generally I just want to turn up the music and go. I don’t get much time to myself each day but my gym time is mine.

Must haves when working out?

Hair bands, clips, some way of getting all this hair off of my back and out of my face.

Music — my Pandora “gym” station is a finely tuned combination of hip hop, pop, and punk.

Water — hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

I also have to modify a fair amount in the gym so my trusty braces, bands, etc. to get the job done.

Most memorable compliment you’ve received lately: I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my hair lately. I’ve been dabbling with adding blues and purples to my usually dirty blonde mane. I can’t say that any have been particularly memorable. The most memorable compliment I have ever received though was back in college. I was working in a restaurant and had someone tell me that I looked like Lindsay Lohan but a “not cracked out version”. I’m actually still not convinced this was a compliment…

Most recent compliment you gave someone else: I had lunch with a colleague today who had recently added me on Facebook. Her profile picture is this amazing shot of her doing the tree pose on an actual mountain cliff. She looked so peaceful and strong. Just gorgeous.

Favorite meal: Sushi. Give me all the sushi. I also have a favorite Japanese hibachi steakhouse that I frequent once a year for my birthday with the yummiest noodles. Top that off with some fudgy brownies or other chocolate deliciousness and I’m a happy woman.

Favorite way to treat yourself: A massage. Taking myself to a movie. Some quality relaxation time with just me. And in the immortal words of Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford — treat yo’ self!

Favorite quote: No woman can call herself free who does not own and control her own body. — Margaret Sanger

Do or do not. There is no try. — Yoda

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light. — Albus Dumbledore

Favorite book: I am a big nerd. Big. I wrote my Master’s Thesis on the Harry Potter series so I’ll easily dub that my all time favorite book series.

What inspires and motivates you? My daughter. She is an almost-3-year-old ball of energy, excitement, wonder, bluntness, curiosity, beauty, intelligence, humor, and goofiness. She has taught me to be better at going with the flow, to marvel in the face of beauty, and to just go for it if you see something you want.

I love my daughter and my husband, my little family, more than anything in the world. It is so important to me that I do what I can to be the best version of myself so that we are the best version of us.

What do you do? Oh boy. A lot. And it’s changed so much very recently! I was recently given the opportunity to take my part-time position as the Girls Gone Strong Content Manager and turn it into a full-time role as the Content Project Manager! So thrilled to be making my home with GGS. I am an adjunct lecturer in the women’s and gender studies program at my University as well as the faculty supervisor for the program’s honor society. I sit on a couple boards — one as an advisor, the other as the Director of Communications and Marketing. I am also a public speaker and discuss gender, feminism, media, and reproductive justice. You could say that I stay busy!

Describe a typical day in your life: We’ll assume I got a good night’s sleep so that would mean up at 5 AM to hit the gym (sometimes this happens after work if the sleep was in short supply). Workout, shower, and get ready for work all happen before it’s time to get the kiddo ready for daycare. We’re headed out by 7:15 AM and then do the work/daycare thing until 5 PM. Once we’re home it’s the nightly cook dinner, hang out with the family, kid in bed, sit (or fall asleep) on the couch and then repeat!

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Your next training goal: I have a couple: 2 unassisted, clean pull-ups and 30 push-ups without a set break. Halfway there on both!

For what are you most grateful? So much! My husband — we’ve been together for 14 years this year and I don’t know what I’d do without him; he’s the peanut butter to my jelly. We’re so different in some ways which drives us crazy and so alike in so many others. My daughter, my little monster. My mother and sister for their unwavering love and support throughout my whole life. Most of my family for that matter by blood and marriage! My therapist and the fact that I sought therapy during one of the most difficult times in my life — something I highly recommend to all.

Which three words best describe you? Strong. Stubborn. Beautiful.

What’s a risk you’ve taken recently, overcoming fear or self-doubt, and how did it turn out? I had a minor surgery done in mid-August. I’ve had a fair amount of surgeries in my life. Nine of them before I was 10 years old. This surgery made number 12. I hate hospitals. I appreciate them and what they do but I hate being in them. The smells. The hospital gowns. The IVs. Yuck.

So the idea of going in for a not-mandatory-but-could-improve-quality-of-life surgery was a difficult notion for me to deal with. I spent the first week after scheduling it still half wondering if I’d go through with it. As for how it turned out, ask me in a couple months after I’m fully healed! For now, the surgeon seems to have done a great job and zero complications experienced.

What’s the coolest “side effect” you’ve experienced from strength training? I had to buy all new pants. My thighs had outgrown all my pants, ha! So after buying pants large enough to fit my thighs, I then had to have all of them taken in around my waist. But hey, I got to go shopping. I also have muscle definition in my traps. At all times. Without flexing. It’s pretty cool.

How has lifting weights changed your life? It’s increased my confidence both emotionally and physically. I am capable of things I honestly never thought I could be. I thought pull ups were out of my reach; they’re not. I saw a video of someone doing swiss ball pike ups and thought “Woah, I don’t know if I could do that!” I totally could. And did. On my first try! I second guess myself less and am more attuned with my body and my mind. Basically, I am woman hear me roar.

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What do you want to say to other women who might be nervous or hesitant about strength training? Try it. Just try it. You might not like it and that’s fine. But if you do? Well, welcome to the club and we’re so thrilled you’re here! There’s also nothing wrong with starting small. You pick up those 5 pound dumbbells and you rock the sh*t out of them!

When did you join Strongest You Coaching? Why did you decide to join and what helped you make the decision to join? I joined SYC in January 2017. I had been interested for probably a year or more but had never reached out. It felt like it was out of my league and out of my budget. I was wrong on both accounts. I had struggled with body image for at least two thirds of my life. I went on my first diet when I was 11 or 12.

I had taught all about the ridiculous standards that media holds women to and that we are all beautiful. I taught it; I believed it. But I couldn’t apply that to me and my life. I was unhappy and had been unhappy with my body for so long I couldn’t even guess. I was tired of being unhappy and something needed to change. I also refused to pass on my insecurities to my daughter. I will do everything I can to ensure she loves and accepts herself just as she is but how could I truly do that when I hadn’t accepted myself? Finally, I emailed Molly, our woman-in-charge, with some questions and here I am.

What has been your biggest challenge in the Strongest You Coaching program? Getting over some of my mental roadblocks. SYC challenges the way you think or, most specifically, the way we’ve been trained to think. It forces you — if you let it — to get outside of your own head, your own way of doing things, and lean in to the discomfort. Doing the same thing over and over again is easy and comfortable. But doing the same thing over and over again won’t get you anywhere.

What has been your biggest success in the Strongest You Coaching program? Unassisted pull up! This was something that, for the longest time, I didn’t think I would be able to do. But I did! Even more important than that is how I feel: I feel different; I know the way I think has changed and while I’ve got more work to do (and always will), I’m on a much, much better track now than I was before SYC.

What do you like best about the Strongest You Coaching community? Find your tribe — Shannon L. Adler.

Not enough can be said about the importance of having a support system especially when venturing into new or challenging territory. With SYC and GGS, I have found my tribe. We share in each others’ challenges, successes, confusion. We swap favorite snack ideas, recipes. We offer tips on form if someone is having trouble with a new movement or lift. And I’m not even talking about the Coach herself. Your coach is always there to answer any (and ALL) of your questions. To help redirect you when your mind starts reverting to old and maybe unhealthy ways of thinking. This community can truly change your life.

What is your “BIG” goal you’d like to achieve by the end of Strongest You Coaching? Wow! I want to look in a mirror and not focus on the parts of my body I’m less than happy with. I don’t want to look immediately at my stomach and wonder if I’d be happier if it were flatter or more defined. I’ve learned in SYC that I wouldn’t be happier because I’m still focusing my self-worth on a part of me and not the whole me. So I want to look at my traps, my biceps, my shoulders, my quads — all the areas at which I can look and see strength, power, and beauty. Because strong, powerful, and beautiful is what I am and who I aspire to be. Not a flatter stomach.

What is the habit you’re currently working on most? Acceptance and fixing mindless bad behaviors. The acceptance piece is kind of obvious but the “behaviors” for me is referring to my more self-destructive tendencies. Particularly when self-care becomes self-comfort and then self-indulgence. Sometimes this is okay and I’m getting better and letting myself be comforted with chocolate every now and then. But it doesn’t need to be my go-to like it has been. It’s a process.

One of the “ah-ha” moments I had during SYC was during a group discussion about how hard it is to change some habits but, more importantly, why it’s so hard. Our bodies and our minds like routine and familiarity even when they’re not healthy. They want to fall back into the old rut because that doesn’t require work. Real change takes work, is uncomfortable, mentally tiring, and a bumpy process.

How has Strongest You Coaching changed your life? It’s changing the way I think, or rather, it’s correcting the way I think. I’m more attuned to my mental, physical, and emotional needs. I’m learning to better prioritize what I need and want as well as what I’m willing to do to achieve those needs and wants. I’m becoming happier and more accepting of me as a whole individual. My worth is not the equivalent of a number on scale, whether I ate a brownie today, or deadlifted 220 pounds.

As someone who’s spent the majority of my life being unhappy and dissatisfied with my appearance, I finally feel like I’m on the right path and am learning that there’s not a damn thing wrong with me.

What would you tell a woman who’s nervous about joining Strongest You Coaching? It is so worth it. Some of the topics are challenging. You will be pushed to confront challenges you’ve had, maybe all your life, but it is so important to be open to this discomfort. The more you can open yourself up to the process and the more honest you can be with yourself and the group, the more successful you will be. And it really is so worth it. This is an amazing opportunity to learn more about yourself and how to truly care for yourself than you may have ever thought possible.

The post GGS Spotlight: Laura Franklin appeared first on Girls Gone Strong.

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