#or at least fuck the idea of grad school here. which would kinda suck since i like the location and the professors a lot

[supercantaloupe]

i mean i GUESS if it turns out to be true that my program is closed (big if??) i could apply for theater history/criticism instead? like at least it’s another program i’m interested in at the same place so It’s Something but honestly i’m so fucking fed up with how utter shit the graduate admissions and general administration of this stupid school are at this point i might just fuck grad school altogether...

#or at least fuck the idea of grad school here. which would kinda suck since i like the location and the professors a lot #the school itself is just. terribly managed. and i'm tired of the bullshit after four years #but. gd. i really wanted to do this program. you CANNOT tell me it's suddenly no longer available and offer zero fucking explanation #you can't. you can't! you can't #desperately trying not to jump to conclusions and wait until my advisors get back to me before i make any further moves but like #man. c'mon. what the hell is this #sasha speaks #i wanna talk about me

[everybodyscupoftea]

the plug

college au jj x reader

word count: 3025

warnings: drinking, cursing, mentions of jj’s dad, four year age gap (20yo jj and 24yo reader)

synopsis: you’re the pogues’ alcohol plug and jj’s favorite person

a/n: this was an anonymous request, age gaps are kinda sensitive, nothing here happens until jj is almost 21 but please be careful out there folks; also i got kinda carried away 

You grew up in the Outer Banks, spent most of your time surfing or playing soccer for the local school’s team. Your house was near the Heyward’s shop, and you picked up odd jobs working Kook events all throughout your high school years. When college rolled around, you started working at the Wreck with Kie.

The Pogue and Kook rivalry never particularly interested you, it seemed frivolous, and after a brief stint on the mainland, you realized the world was so much bigger out of the scope of the Outer Banks. Your refusal to participate was what originally drew Kie to you. The two of you hung out after work on Friday nights, you had access to good weed and were willing to share. Eventually she invited you to a party her friends were throwing.

Honestly, you weren’t exactly over the moon at the idea of partying with a bunch of 17-year olds, but the idea of free beer and a night on the beach seemed promising. You figured you could say hey to Kie’s friends and slip away to walk by the ocean.

Until the afternoon of the party rolled around, and you found out that they had no alcohol. Kie scrambled to explain that the guy who normally sold them beer underage had moved and someone stricter had taken his place and refused their fakes. You sighed and stood, “How much do you need me to get?”

“Wait, what?” Kie asked, taken aback.

“Beer. You want packs or a keg?”

She blinked a few times, “We normally get a keg or two.”

“Let’s go.”

You led Kie to your car and cranked it up, immediately turning up the AC as high as it could go. She plugged her phone in to play some music as you drove to the nearest liquor store to the Boneyard.

“Stay here, I’ll be back,” you told her, and she nodded, promising to sit still. The guy inside was in fact different from the guy who used to sell to you and your friends underage, so you fished out your ID. You knew you looked pretty young for your age and had to resist rolling your eyes when he stared at it intensely for a few seconds before charging you for the keg.

When it was filled, he helped you carry it to your car and the two of you set it in the back. Kie stayed still and quiet in case he tried to card her for some reason too, but you weren’t too worried. Soon enough the two of you were back on the road, heading toward your house for a quick change of clothes.

“Can I borrow something?” Kie asked, looking a little nervous.

“For sure, Kie, take what you want.”

You were only there for about 30 minutes before leaving to get the keg to the Boneyard before party time. Kie was really excited to introduce you to her friends, they’d been hearing all about the cool college girl she’d been hanging out with in her spare time, and they were really interested to see who had her so enthralled.

Pope was the first to greet you, recognizing you from when you worked with him and his dad. He nodded at you with a small smile, and you returned it. John B shook your hand with a huge grin, babbling on about how awesome it was to have someone willing to buy them alcohol again. The last of the group, JJ, was the quiet one.

You weren’t sure what he thought of you at first, it was easy to see he was hesitant to just accept anyone, but you did buy him alcohol. He offered you a fist bump and a small smile before telling you, “Really appreciate the plug.”

“No prob, new guy was pretty suspicious, sorry for your loss.”

JJ let out a loud laugh and warmed up to you instantly. From then on, he followed you around. Whether it was hanging around the Wreck while you were working and he was free, or asking to smoke with you some weekends. Kie thought your new shadow was hilarious and she would send you videos of JJ talking about how funny you were or how pretty you were. It was…endearing.

And then you graduated college and got into grad. You wanted to finally move off the island, and with the money you’d saved up from the Wreck, you finally had enough money to rent an apartment just off Chapel Hill’s campus. The Pogues came with you to help you move all your stuff, which you were grateful for.

You let them handle pizza and went to go pick up alcohol for the group as one last hurrah before they left. John B picked through the bag you brought back with a watery smile, “Gonna suck throwing parties without our favorite plug.”

“Aren’t you dating Sarah Cameron now? Get Rafe to buy your alcohol.”

“He hates us,” JJ whined, “not everyone is cool like you.”

You pointed the bottle in your hand at him, “That’s right, don’t you ever forget.”

And then that was it. You were onto the next, without the Pogues. Or, so you thought.

You’d gotten a job at a coffeehouse just off campus while working through your grad degree. It was easy and brought in a surprising amount of tips, and the atmosphere was really chill, so you loved it. Mostly you dealt with regulars, until one morning. You had your back to the door when it opened, making another coffee, and you called over your shoulder, “Be with you in a sec.”

A familiar, slightly deeper voice, answered back, “All good.”

Whirling around, you grinned widely at the boy, “JJ! Long time no see, bud.”

His eyes widened and he laughed, “Holy shit, dude, you work here?”

“Have for the last few years. What can I get you?”

JJ smiled widely, “Actually, just got hired, I’m here for training.”

You passed the customer their coffee and wished them a good day before turning back to JJ, “Okay, go wash your hands and I’ll grab your hat.”

The rest of your shift was spent goofing off with JJ, every so often interrupted by a customer, and you showed him the ropes. He picked up on it pretty quickly, only stumbling through using the register a few times.

“What brings you here?” you finally asked.

JJ took his hat off and ran a hand through his hair a few times, “Family shit. My dad was an asshole and I wanted to get out. I started picking up extra hours at the hotel, but my dad knew where I was, so I decided to just move to the mainland and start over.”

“Fuck,” you muttered, “sorry to hear that. Everything okay now?”

He nodded, “Yeah, um, started taking a few classes at Chapel Hill, and Pope’s family is helping me keep rent until I get my feet under me.”

“That’s nice of them.”

“Yeah, I just, I needed to start over. And I saw the hiring sign on the door, so I stopped in a few days ago to apply.”

You nudged his shoulder gently, “If you need anything, gimme a call, yeah?”

JJ blushed and nudged yours back, “Yeah.”

Because of the small number of customers, most shifts at the coffeehouse were solo shifts except for opening and closing. You and JJ both had mostly afternoon classes which meant that the two of you were scheduled several times a week together opening and closing.

One night you had soft music playing while he was doing dishes and you were sweeping and mopping the dining area. JJ watched you dance around with the broom, small smile on his lips, and when you caught his eye, he looked away with a blush.

“J,” you called out, trying to catch his eye again.

He looked back, blush still present on his cheeks, “What?”

“You hungry?”

“Oh, um, yeah, I could eat.”

You motioned out the window, “That place has fire po-boys for cheap if you want to get one with me after.”

JJ stared at the lit-up restaurant across the street before shrugging, “Sounds good.”

Thursday closing shift dinner became a thing after that. One of you would call in your food and pick it up before going back to one of your apartments to eat and do homework. JJ had a quiet focus to him that you liked, it helped keep you calm while scrolling through mounds of research you needed for your final paper.

He had one afternoon shift a week, unbeknownst to you, and walked in for it one week to see you laying face down on one of the tables near the counter. JJ paused, glancing over at the guy he was replacing in confusion. Your coworker shrugged and clocked out without saying anything else.

You felt someone crouch down next to your table a few minutes later and he softly called your name. Opening your eyes felt like a chore since you’d had them squeezed closed for so long to block out the anxiety over your paper that for some reason wasn’t writing itself.

“Want some coffee?” he asked, as soon as he finally saw your eyes.

The thought of caffeine made you want to throw up, and you made a face before finally responding, “How about some tea.”

“What kind?”

“Surprise me,” you told him tiredly.

JJ squeezed your shoulder once and walked back around the counter to start making you a drink. You woke your laptop back up to see the word count of 406 staring you straight in the face, and just as you went to put your head back down, a steaming mug of tea was placed in front of you.

“That should help,” JJ told you, smiling softly.

And shockingly, it did. It was warm, and with JJ’s steady presence, you were able to knock out over 1000 words before you had to leave for your afternoon class. He called your name just as you went to push the door open and you turned around, “What?”

“Text me if you need anything else, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Unintentionally, you let JJ worm his way back into your life. One of the classes he struggled with you’d already taken so you fished out your old notes and tutored him for the rest of the semester through it. Sometimes he’d show up at your closing shifts he wasn’t scheduled on and sit at the bar doing schoolwork and distracting you. He did at least always help close which was a huge improvement from when you worked at the Wreck and he showed up to cause problems.

One night was interrupted when the door swung open five minutes from closing. You sighed, not wanting to dirty anything you’d just cleaned, and forced a customer service smile on your face. To your surprise, Kie walked through the door, beaming widely at you.

“Long time, no see!” she called out, opening her arms for a hug.

You beamed and set the rag down on the counter, wrapping her up tightly. She squeezed around your middle hard and you sighed, “Missed you, Carrera.”

“Missed you too.”

She sat next to JJ and the three of you caught up while you and your coworker finished the closing duties. You nodded at her to leave when she held up the garbage bag to let you know she was heading out after a trip to the dumpster.

Kie stood, “Okay, we have to meet up with everyone else, none of us have seen JJ’s apartment yet.”

“Hope you cleaned, JJ,” you told him, bumping your elbow into his side with a laugh before continuing, “last time I was there it was questionable.”

“It’s clean,” JJ defended himself, “you caught me on a bad day.”

“Bad month, more like,” you retorted, laughing when he flipped you off in response.

Kie watched the two of you, amused, “Wow JJ, you’ve come a long way.”

John B and Pope stepped out of the restaurant next door, hands full of food bags, before you or JJ could respond and greeted you just as eagerly as Kie had.

“Getting the gang back together,” John B cheered, lifting two of the bags in the air.

You originally had plans to drink wine and watch the new season of Stranger Things, but the prospect of seeing some of your old friends was too enticing. JJ’s eyed you as you shifted on your feet, “You sure you guys want me butting in.”

Kie rolled her eyes, “We thought you knew we were coming in. JJ said he’d tell you.”

“Hey, don’t pin this on me, I wanted it to be a surprise!” he defended.

Pope spoke in what you think was meant to be a mockery of JJ’s voice, “Don’t bother bro, I’ll just text her and let her know.”

With a laugh, John B added, “It was just like old times whenever we needed alcohol and you’d be all ‘I’m going to visit her at work today, we’ll just swing by and get some after, I’ve got this’. The nostalgia was overwhelming, J.”

JJ scowled at his friends as the teasing continued. You’d known about his crush on you back then, tried not to encourage it because you knew you were leaving and because of the underage situation, but it was funny to hear about it from the other side.

“Okay, so we headed to JJ’s place?” you finally interrupted, saving him from the merciless teasing.

“My place,” JJ confirmed and you broke apart into two separate groups, one in JJ’s car and one in yours.

Kie rode with you and took control of the music, like always. You smiled, “Really is just like old times, huh?”

A few weeks later, one of the Thursday night shifts, JJ seemed less enthused than normal. You didn’t want to pry but you were worried about him. After a few more half answers from him, you finally stopped drying the dishes, “Maybank, what’s going on?”

“My fucking-“ he trailed off for a few seconds before shaking his head and continuing, “my dad called asking for money. Apparently, he’s broke and he owes his dealer. I just can’t, god I can’t fucking escape him.”

He wasn’t crying, but you’d never seen JJ’s jaw so tense before and your heart ached for him. You dried your hands off and pulled him into a tight hug, “Your dad is a piece of shit and you deserve better.”

“Do I?” he asked, almost hysterically, while he tried to pull away.

You didn’t let him go far, “Yes, you do. You’re a good guy who deserves to be happy and successful and far away from his dad’s reach.”

“I wish I could see it like that,” he murmured, voice breaking halfway through. JJ’s whole body shuddered a few times as he fought tears harder than he ever had before. He didn’t want to break down in front of you and look like a child.

“How about you go get dinner, I’ll go buy some alcohol, and we meet at my apartment and watch movies tonight.”

JJ’s lips quirked up into the briefest smile you’d ever seen, “Stepping back into that plug role, huh?”

“Turn 21 then,” you told him, shoving him away gently.

“Two months, and then I’ll finally be able to start repaying my alcohol debts.”

“You’re going to be buying me drinks for years, J.”

He held his pinky out, looking significantly more cheered up, “I promise.”

You linked pinkies with him before pulling him into one more hug with one last thought, “You’re going to have to stick around for a while to keep that promise.”

He cleared his throat, almost nervously, and you pulled away, confused. JJ wouldn’t look you in the eye when he spoke, “Surely you knew.”

“What?” you weren’t really prepared to have the conversation that seemed to be happening.

“That I liked you, idolized you practically. You were so cool and older and you dealt with all my shit.”

“J,” you warned, not sure if you liked where it was going.

He let out a sad laugh, “Please just be honest with me, you knew right?”

With a sigh, you pulled your hat off and clutched it in your hands, “I knew.”

“Fuck,” he mumbled, hands shoved deep in his pockets. JJ looked up at the ceiling with a sharp inhale before continuing, “Fuck, I’m so sorry if I made you uncomfortable. And then I came here and started doing it again.”

And you had to stop that train of thought right there, “Woah, wait, it doesn’t bother me, JJ, you know that right? Like I do enjoy having you around.”

Eyebrows raised, JJ finally made eye contact with you, “What?”

“Well I mean,” you shifted your weight from one foot to the other, suddenly unsure how to continue, “I guess it was a little weird when you were in high school, but it’s not so bad now.”

“What?” he repeated, faintly this time.

You rolled your eyes, “Fucking hell, JJ, really?”

He held his hands up in defense, “Hey, I was walking into this conversation ready to get rejected, let me be surprised.”

“I cannot deal with you, go buy the food, oh my god.”

JJ grinned at you cheekily, “Is this a date?”

You hated him. So much.

He grabbed your hand and squeezed, “Are you asking me out right now?”

“I’m about to rescind the offer if you don’t quit.”

“I can’t believe the day has finally come. Kie is going to flip her shit,” JJ told you, leading you out of the empty shop.

“God, what have I gotten myself into,” you muttered.

JJ stopped walking and looked at you with a soft smile, all traces of teasing gone, “Hey,” he got your attention, “thanks for everything, now and then.” Before you could answer, he continued, “Best plug I ever had.”

“God dammit, JJ!” you exclaimed and his laughter echoed down the empty street as the two of you walked to the po-boy place, hands swinging between you.

#jj maybank request #jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x you #jj maybank fic #jj maybank fluff #outer banks fic #outer banks #obx #the plug au

[inkskinned]

literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-. 

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound. 

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it 

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it 

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression. 

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost. 

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed 

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried

#anyway

[greenishbucket]

We’ll Find a Way to Survive

Lardo and graduation. 1.8k, ao3.

Inspired by @jack-manpain-zimmermann‘s post about Lardo graduating. Hope it was okay to do this! 

It’s a Thursday evening and Lardo is sitting with her legs on her desk, a bowl of tomato rice in her lap that’s been in the fridge for at least four days and is starting to taste kinda funky, wrapped in a hoodie even though it’s warm because whatever. It feels comforting to be wrapped up. She has three texts from her mom and two from her dad that she’s been ignoring for three days, even though they’re just sweet updates on life at home.

Shitty is talking fast on Skype about some asshole in his class. Lardo’s pretty sure it’s the same dick that comes up every week when Shitty has a two-hour class with the dude but he really is a dick so she lets Shitty get it all out even when he’s recycling the same criticisms again. He still looks grey around the eyes and she can see three coffee cups from different stores on his bedside table. His hair needs washing and it’s pretty fucking ridiculous but Lardo can’t look away from how the greasy look falls differently now Shitty hasn’t got a flow.

When Lardo had first cut Shitty’s hair it had been funny at first, chilling in the bathroom while Shitty had showered then brushing his hair out with a comb and hacking it into all the ugliest styles she could think of with threats to leave it like that. He’d laughed and said hockey players were, like, contractually obliged to have ugly as fuck haircuts so she’d better pull through on that.

Neither of them had given voice to the fact Shitty wasn’t going to be a hockey player anymore but they had fallen quiet as Lardo carried on cutting his hair into a respectable attempt at what he’d called a ‘neutral upstanding lawyer bro-do’. When she was done they’d looked in the bathroom mirror, Lardo on a stool for height and her head head poking out over Shitty’s shoulder, and Shitty’s mouth had been shut tight like he didn’t trust himself to speak, his eyes a little watery.

Lardo had wanted to kiss the top of his head, or something, but they weren’t like that yet. Or they were because what was personal space even but Lardo didn’t know if she could do it like they were still just bros, felt like maybe it would come across too heavy. Shitty had barely even looked like himself without the flow, the back and sides of his neck paler and vulnerable looking where they hadn’t seen steady sun in years. It was too much and Lardo hadn’t wanted to start crying about shit so she’d given him a noogie instead and then called him a nerd and the moment had broken.

Now all the feeling about his flow comes rushing back. Graduation is right around the corner and Lardo has literally fuck all planned and she’s fucked it all up and her parents are breathing down her neck about how she hasn’t got a job as a doctor or some shit lined up for after Samwell even though she’s an art major and she misses having Shitty here in the Haus with her to talk some gender shit and smoke with her in the reading room when the stress was too much. Now they’re all growing up and having to move out and on and Shitty won’t be able to grow his flow back for years if ever and Lardo is fucking dreading the end of the year so much because literally what is she going to do?

She’s halfway through a mouthful of tomato rice and Shitty is still ranting about the asshole dude when she realises her throat is almost too tight to swallow and, jeez, she’s actually crying.

“Dude, Lards – are you crying?”

“No,” Lardo says with as much force as she can while crying and talking around a half-chewed bowl of tomato rice. She spits it back into the bowl which is gross but whatever, it tasted weird already and it’s not like she’s sharing the rice with anyone else.

Shitty kindly ignores the rice spitting. “Hey, talk to me, bro. What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

A sigh. “Lards.”

“Nothing.”

“Lardo, come on.”

“Shits, it’s nothing you can fucking fix, okay? Leave it.”

“For fuck’s sake, I’m not saying let me fix all your problems,” Shitty says, looking if anything more tired and that’s the last thing Lardo wanted. “I’m saying talk to me, let all that negative shit out. Bawling in the middle of me sharing the latest horrors of law school is pretty fucking standard but dude’s been worse and you haven’t started the waterworks so I’m thinking it’s not the current and future state of our legal system that’s got you crying, not that I’d judge you if it was.”

Lardo pushes through the shit-ton of crap that’s been building on her desk for weeks in search of a tissue then wipes her eyes and messily blows her nose when she finds a vaguely clean one. She doesn’t feel better really but the short burst of crying has taken some of the pressure off, reduced the stress to kinda-manageable instead of holy-fuck-what-do-I-do. She takes a long gulp of her water before she starts to talk.

“It’s just like, all this graduation shit that I really don’t wanna deal with. I have no idea what I’m doing and me and Rans used to be, like, bros in that but now even he’s sorted and I’m still not and all the other art kids have had plans since day one because apparently that’s what you’ve gotta have if you get a degree in art and no one told me. I don’t know where I’m supposed to live except move back to my parents which would be fine because I’d be nearer you and they’re my parents, y’know, but they’re all ‘Larissa, we just want what’s best for you but also you gotta do this exact thing that we decided was best’ and ‘Larissa, your art is so interesting but how are you gonna move forward with it’ and like– fuck.”

Lardo’s heart is beating hard against her ribs and her hands are shaking with the adrenaline of letting it all out. She wipes her eyes again and continues, unable to look at the screen but before she can overthink it: “I just miss getting to hang out with you every day and now I won’t even have these guys to hang out with anymore and it’s all gonna suck and I hate it.”

Her room still feels lonely and cold even as the sounds of the Haus carry on all around but it’s a little less than before and Lardo’s chest feels a lot lighter. She scoops up some of her saliva-tomato-rice and shoves it in her mouth, still keeping her eyes on the floorboards.

“Bro,” Shitty says after a moment. When she looks up, his eyebrows are reaching his hairline. “Like, Lards.”

“I know, it’s all my fault because I should’ve organised better but you get why it sucks, right?”

Shitty makes a spluttering noise and says, “Fucking hell, no way. It’s not your fault art is undervalued by capitalist society and you’ve got parents with expectations and shit, I’m saying holy shit, man, you do not need to be getting so tied up with this and if you are you gotta let someone know before you’re choking on your tomato rice.”

“But there’s like a bazillion things I need to sort and I don’t even know how to do any of it,” Lardo says. “Like, how do I just make myself have direction in life and shit?”

Shitty’s leaning in close to the camera, tucked with his knees up on his desk chair and laptop balancing on top judging by the way its shaking every now and again, and Lardo wishes she’d thought ahead to keep this meltdown until they’d been together in person. Talking over Skype is still better than phoning but – not to be a baby – Lardo could do with a hug.

“You gotta just go with the flow, at least half the people graduating don’t know what they’re doing.”

“That’s your advice? Chill? Are you Nursey?”

“Hand on heart, swear to fuck, the dude’s onto something with that one. Why panic?”

Lardo can feel herself getting irritated and she hates that her fuse is so short these days but what does Shitty know about trying to figure out graduation, he got into fucking Harvard Law and his mom is a like a hippie or something and is all about self-actualisation and shit.

“I have no time to figure out all my shit and jobs are already getting back to people and I’ve wasted a fuck-ton of money on a degree I don’t know what to do with,” she says, carefully steady.

“And you’ve got your whole life to figure something out, bro. Graduating is sad and scary as fuck but, let me tell you, it feels amazing. The ‘swawesomest thing to ever happen.”

Lardo sighs. “I know, Shits. I just wanna know what I’m doing.”

Shitty puts the laptop back on his desk, shifts awkwardly in his chair. “Well, yanno. If you wanted you could come split rent with me while you work shit out. Your parents would probably be cool with it and you’re probs overqualified for all the retail jobs and whatever you could get. You could look into grad school shit, too.”

Lardo feels herself tearing up again. “Shits.”

Shitty shrugs like he hasn’t probably thought it over for months and mumbles, “Only if you wanna, man. It’d be pretty fucking great to have you.”

“Shut up, I’d be coming for that crazy good BU painting and sculpture MFA program,” Lardo says, meaning yes yes yes please and thank you.

“Got your back, bro,” Shitty says, meaning love you.

They grin stupidly at each other for a bit over the pixelated screen. Lardo’s still wrapped up in a hoodie, spit-filled decaying rice for dinner, head pulsing with crying and her face itchy with tears and it’s all still unclear as fuck but at least there’s something now. The beginnings of a plan. Lardo still can’t believe sometimes that she really gets to date her best friend, they’re really doing this and it’s as good as she’d ever hoped. It seems stupid now to think she had to go this alone, when Shitty’s sitting with her after a long as fuck day and giving her a reality check.

“God, I wish we could make out now,” she says because sure, romance, but God she wishes they could make out now.

“Oh fuck, me too,” Shitty says, expression still concerned and she knows he’s probs going to be carrying some guilt about not noticing she was feeling bad and he’ll crack the closer to deadlines they get but she’ll have his back too when it all gets too much for him. “When are you visiting again?” he asks.

Lardo pulls out her calendar from her desk of crap and for once the circled graduation day, still some rows down, doesn’t make her feel quite as much tight, sucking anxiety. Her and Shits compare their schedules and she breathes easy.

#check please fic #shitty x lardo #my writing #sorry again hope this is ok to do!!

[amorremanet]

“what am i writing” meme

Okay, so, @bizeke​ tagged me in a, “what are you writing right now” meme, and I’ve been trying to figure out how I wanted to answer it because, for once in my life, I don’t have a huge pile of WIPs. Like, I’m deliberately trying to rein myself in and refrain from letting the rabid plot-bunnies have their way with my brain to the point that I end up getting nothing done because I get overwhelmed by how many possibilities there are and how many ideas I have.

Let me tell you what: as a Ne-dom (ENTP), this is one of the worst punishments that I could ever imagine and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, like, ever.

But I’m actually trying to stick to it, because it’s in the name of trying to focus on and do right by the project that is my main Thing right now, in basically all areas of life. Unfortunately for my desire for instant gratification, it’s going to be long. I mean, it’s a novel, so that’s part of the deal and one just has to suck it up and live with that, or just never write novels unless you can crank them out at a Stephen King-esque pace. Unfortunately for how much I like the community (and validation!) that comes built in with writing fan-things, it’s also original fic (which is also scary as fuck, but hey).

So, to get this part out of the way first: the “as yet untitled because I suck and titles are hard fml” project is a novel. It’s a superhero story with LGBTQ protags who are also largely neurodivergent, mentally ill, and/or otherwise disabled. The main story concerns a ragtag bunch of misfits — some of them super-powered mutants and some not — who come together in a new team and in just trying to do some good in the world for various reasons (and working together because they all realize that they can’t actually do that much on their own), they stumble into a bigger plot and wind up pitting themselves against a half-shadowy cabal of big deal neo-fascist supervillains (some mutants, and some not, though in their case, the non-mutants are generally treated like pets, rather than people and full team members).

ngl, the three biggest causes for this project were:

1. I needed a new project for my thesis because fuck this shit, I don’t wanna be in grad school anymore, and after having my project jerked around by practically everyone in my department at one point or another, the fanfic thing I settled on wasn’t working and I am really well and truly beyond fucking sick of grad school;

2. I had this one character in particular — the oft-mentioned mutant disaster, Sebastian — who I initially drew up for this game that my Sunday night tabletop group was playing last summer. The idea of there being mutant superheroes was similar, but Double Cross’s system is heavily inspired by the Parasite Eve series of video games, with a little bit from the novel that inspired them (by which I mean that the rule-book is pretty explicit about it; sure, they build on the world in their own ways to give players more options for their characters, and bring in some other influences, but they don’t hide that their primary source of inspiration is Parasite Eve).

Anyway, the Double Cross system relies a lot on character-driven drama and works it into the gameplay (one example is the “Lois” system, where you make up NPCs who help keep your character tethered to their sense of humanity, so they won’t get completely taken over by the shiny super-mitochondria that have gotten inside them and could make them turn into a monster). Additionally, I’ve been playing with my GM, Jake, since we were in high school, and I know that he likes having as much stuff to use against the characters as possible. I also know that it makes games with him more fun because he gets better ideas that way

(which is also why I knew damn well that the short, historical setting horror thing we did in January and February was going to be short, but still gave him a ten-page backstory for my French Jesuit priest that I could’ve backed up with sources for, “yes, this was actually a Thing in early to mid-17th century Paris” or, “yes, this was part of the process of becoming a Jesuit in that time period” had he asked for them)

Which, for Sebastian, meant that I started writing with the intent of it being three things

a brief apology note to Dr. Maeda (a scientist Jake borrowed from Parasite Eve because he’s a really fun character, whom Seb hadn’t really had an altercation with? But with his self-deprecating humor that almost no one else finds funny, Seb had accidentally made Dr. Maeda think that he’d offended him, and he wanted to apologize for that);

one letter to his older brother Max that would’ve been written while Seb was in rehab (which, in an idea that I straight up lifted from Augusten Burroughs’s memoir, Dry, had the prompt, “write to someone close to you and express your feelings about them and your relationship” and it had a lot of instances where Seb quoted something from Oscar Wilde’s De Profundis and somehow, whether fairly on himself or not, connected it to his and Max’s situation, in which he cast himself as a fuck-up on the level of Bosie Douglas. It also had a lot of snarky footnotes);

and one that he would’ve written to Max after the party’s first big adventure together (the major TL;DR point of which was, “ahahahaha, I was trying so hard to get my life together but oh no, shit, I fucked up and everything is terrible, you were right and I was wrong and now I can’t give you all the details of why you were right because the FBI says a lot of it’s classified but you were right and I fucked up and oh my god why” — just… with a lot of tangents and backstory and yet more snarky footnotes)

—but because I’m me, I quickly lost control of that idea.

I figured out the entire timeline of major events (largely but not entirely by hand, and in a few places, there is arguably too much detail, like how I know all of the classes that Seb took in undergrad, where it all fit into his substance abuse history, and exactly how that exacerbated his already Not Good mental health)

I did a lot of writing and a lot more revising and then more writing and then some research — like sketching out a list of TV Tropes that applied to Seb and his backstory, and by, “sketching” I mean that I listed them, and in most cases, I wrote up explanations for why he deserved the tropes or how I was trying to play with them

some of which were fairly brief (e.g., the explanation for his exact brand of being a Stepford Smiler is only 185 words, most of them actually being about how he made it to nearly 30 without having anyone suggest that he might be living with depression)

while others were kinda not (like, the 2,400-word explanation of why he got, “Angst, What Angst?” and “Conditioned to Accept Horror” on his list, which got listed together because they were part of the same larger problem and helped to fuel each other)

I went through multiple versions of all of those letters except the first one (and, in the case of the second, even made the drafts full-on “canon” things in their own right, documenting Seb’s ongoing attempts at paring a draft down enough to share in group therapy, because that was part of the in-universe conceit about why he was writing to Max in the first place)

I added other letters still (like, one to Pete that Seb was writing in rehab, with the in-universe prompt, “list 99 problems that you have that don’t have anything to do with your brother or his wife, because seriously? you’ve been going on about him so much, it’s starting to feel like you’re talking about shit with him in order to get out of talking about anything else in your life”; and one letter to Max that Seb wrote before his first overdose, which would have jossed his, “oh yeah, totally an accident, can I go back to class on Monday please” lie because it was explicitly a suicide note)

—and all up, by the time Jake decided that he was having trouble bringing things together into a larger game after the first adventure, I’d written about one order of words

”Order” here meaning, “a unit of word length measurement equivalent to the length of Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix, i.e. 257,045 words”

—which I exceeded somewhat but not by enough to make too big a difference, not least since most of these drafts will not be making an appearance in the novel itself.

So, I was like, “Well, fuck. I did all of that and we’re not even going to keep playing that game? ……Screw this, I didn’t do all that work for fuck-all nothing, I’ve gotta find something else to do with Seb and his story”

This first necessitated going back to the drawing board, scrapping a lot of the stuff that was directly related to Parasite Eve or Double Cross, or finding a new way to reconfigure it so that it wasn’t just me lifting shit from either of them

Because I’m me, that led to more and more ideas coming up, which in turn pretty much guaranteed that…… okay, yes, Sebastian got to be a POV character first, because in all due fairness, he was here first and the story wouldn’t exist without him…… but he’s not quite, “the main character” in the same way that, say, Harry Potter is (nor would he really want to be)

And TL;DR: this whole thing started because I wanted to help my GM make my character suffer, only for him to drop the game, after which I didn’t want all the work I did to go to waste and be totally meaningless, so hey

and 3. ……Well, I mean. I had a lot of ideas that I kept trying to turn into fanficcy things, but at a certain point, I just had to admit that they would have gotten into, “unless you can show why this is a legit interpretation or development for these characters, it’s going to be OOC” territory

and after enough rounds of this, I gave up and went, “Okay, fuck it, FINE. Rather than try to shoehorn any of my pre-extant fictional faves into these ideas that they do not actually fit into, only for the sake of writing them as fic and getting more or less immediate Validation, I’m gonna go write my own story! With mutants! And canon LGBTQ characters! And canon neurodiversity! Because FUCK IT, that’s why!”

I guess that one could say that I finally hit, “fuck it.”

In universe, the mutant thing isn’t being treated as an oppression allegory in its own right (I say, definitely looking pointedly at the X-Men, but not exclusively at them, because in fairness, they are so not the only guilty parties here), and the issue of metahuman licensing isn’t being used as a metaphor for any example of governments illicitly keeping tabs on oppressed or marginalized people.

Like, there are still major flaws in the system and how it’s enacted on people because it’s the U.S. government, but the entire thing is treated more like taking driver’s ed and going to the DMV because the fact of the matter is that we are talking about people who have shit like super-strength, telepathy, and heat vision, and it’s fair for other citizens to want to make sure that they can control their powers, and that they know and agree to abide by certain laws about how they can and can’t use them

(e.g., yes, it is considered rape if you telepathically coerce someone into sex. Exactly what charges you’ll face vary from state to state, but it’s still rape, and unless there are some seriously extenuating circumstances — like, say, if you have two teenage telepathic mutants who didn’t know that they were mutants and thus couldn’t control their powers, so both of them have broken the law here, but unless there was some other kind of force or coercion involved, neither can be held criminally responsible — you will be prosecuted if you get caught.

Whether or not you get caught is another issue entirely, and it’s a huge mess for a lot of reasons, but in theory, this is how the law works.)

The novel I’m working on now is also going to be the first in a series of four or five — give or take “Dunk and Egg”-esque tie-in stories, mostly because I’m still a Ne-dom and, even without all the world-building being set in stone at present, I’m already attached to and intrigued by several characters and parts of my world that aren’t part of the “main” storyline

(which is, itself, already an ensemble cast production, just with focal/POV characters for each installment because otherwise, I would probably pull a GRRM, get overloaded by all of the different POVs and trying to balance them effectively, and then either die or be photographed running around in a giant hamster ball because I’m trying to run away from my problems that I created all by myself)…

…but also partly because it is annoyingly easier to find potential “legit” places to publish shorter works and get yourself “legitimately” established by putting out some of those first.

You lot get three guesses each as to why I find this annoying, the first two don’t count, and if you guess literally anything but some variation on, “But, Kassie! You’re in the exact same TL;DR club as GRRM! One of your more popular TW fics was a 23k vaguely stream of consciousness beast in which you committed the same literary sin that you bag on Marcel Proust about all the time, because almost nothing actually happened”?

……then I probably love you for having such faith in me, but you have way too much faith in me because… yeah, no. That’s pretty much it. The “legitimate” “grown-up” publishing world’s fondness for short stories annoys me entirely because I don’t like being brief, or cutting things out, or so on and so forth.

Shit, I’m having enough trouble in Pages right now today, because I decided that this one beat in one scene of the novel was getting too far into territory that is actually meant for the chapter right after it, so I’m trying to figure out where to cut it, so I can then relocate the dialogue to where it makes more sense. Trying to be succinct…… is not one of my strong suits, period.

To be fair? The novel… well. It wouldn’t be a Thing without my years in fandom and my immersion in fan culture. It just would not be possible without that part of my background.

On one hand, that’s due to how many ideas I wouldn’t have been exposed to without fandom discussing them in the different ways that we have, and how many things I wound up reading or watching because I saw that other people were enjoying them and I wanted to know what was up, and then all the criticism that I saw from fans of said things about issues of how stories and media are shaped by the sociopolitical structures that content creators live with

And on the other hand, it’s because my story is a literary pastiche that is not entirely a deconstruction of the genre, but rather a recombination of different tropes and pieces of the superhero genre, plus pieces from other genres because fuck the idea that genres can or should be strictly delineated and kept separate from each other at all times that’s why, where I acknowledge that there is little room to actually do anything that is “entirely new” — both in the sense that we’re all influenced, both consciously and not, by everything around us, so you can make the far-end argument that nothing is “purely” or “entirely new,” since that would require things to be made in a vacuum, and in the sense that… well. I mean.

Come on, I’m working in an established genre that has had several different voices and perspectives chime into it in various fashions since it first got started with the original Superman comics in 1938 (and even that is arguably not the start, since the origins of the genre go waaaay the fuck back, and almost no one writing about the genre critically likes to let it just be its own thing without bringing up precedents like Gilgamesh, Heracles, and the Scarlet Pimpernel), and even if I weren’t also bringing in things from outside the superhero genre, I would have no significant chance of doing something that hasn’t already been done at some point, by somebody, somewhere.

Moreover, uh. I get why the Ang Lee Hulk isn’t everyone’s taste, I do. It’s not my favorite anything but any means, but I enjoy parts of it. But that being said, there are, in the superhero genre, certain expectations that certain tropes and story or character elements will appear in some fashion, even if they’re being brutally deconstructed, and Ang Lee tried his best to weasel out of a lot of them because he didn’t want his movie to have the, “stigma” of being, “just a superhero movie.”

Which is a shame, because a lot of his ideas about how he wanted to interpret Bruce Banner as a character, interpret the dynamic between Bruce and the Hulk, and so on? Those actually could’ve been really fun…… but he didn’t want to make, “a superhero movie,” so he ignored the value of all the shit that he should’ve been using to actualize these ideas on the screen, and he had to essentially paste that stuff on like, “Fine, here’s your superhero bullshit, you fucking comic book nerds”

Which all sort of adds up to, “I mean, I’m trying to challenge or play with some of these genre staples — and some of the more optional ones, I’m doing away with because they’re common but not necessary and I think they’re not part of the stories I want to tell, or they’re very particular to certain mediums that are not the one I’m working in — but…… fuck, man, it’s still a superhero story. It’s not like you can’t tell superhero-influenced stories without these things, but if you’re telling a flat-out superhero story, then…… yeah, you kinda do need to at least acknowledge them, and if you don’t have some kind of appreciation for the genre, then why the fuck are you working in it”

(And this is a brief aside to point out that Ang Lee isn’t the only content creator who’s been called a genius and has been guilty of going all like, “fuck superhero stories, they’re just pointless stupid trashy kid stuff for babies, lmao” while also being involved in working on one.

The list is probably even longer than I know, but I feel especially obligated to point out that Heath Ledger had nothing but disdain for the entire superhero genre before playing the Joker in TDK, literally only agreed to do that because Christopher Nolan was involved and Batman Begins had been noticeably “higher-quality” by most people’s standards than the Joel Schumacher Batman movies and the then-extant X-Men movies, and really only seemed to have come around about the quality of certain stories that he read as character prep — like The Killing Joke, The Man Who Laughs, and Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth

—and frankly, he and Nolan both seem(ed) to see those stories [plus a handful of others, in Nolan’s case] as special exceptions were, “not like all the rest of the genre,” rather than seeing them as indications of what the entire genre can be capable of.

Which is not to say that I acknowledge the validity of any other non-Cesar Romero live-action Joker, because unless someone really wows me or they come up with an idea that Mark Hamill could do live-action and managed to talk him into it, that’s probably not going to happen, and both Nicholson and Leto can eat me because they were just awful as the Clown Prince of Crime. Awful in different ways, admittedly, but still. Just. AWFUL. Absolutely abysmal.

It’s also not to say that the superhero genre is entirely awesome, since… lmao, Sturgeon’s Law, people. 90% of everything is probably some kind of bullshit. It can be entertaining bullshit, sure, but it’s probably still some kind of bullshit.

What I am trying to say, though, is that the entire genre is not special for having a lot of bullshit in it, because frankly, EVERY GENRE has mostly a lot of bullshit in it, so holding the superhero genre to some special double standard is ridiculous and elitist, and no, we shouldn’t look at things like Watchmen, A Serious House on Serious Earth, or anything else you might want to put on a, “special exceptions” list as being separate from the genre that spawned them.

They’re superhero stories. Barring some examples like Watchmen that have characters that were new when they first came out, these stories literally have characters like Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman running around, having adventures and fighting bad guys. Being of an allegedly, “higher quality” than any random issue you pick off the rack on Wednesday does not mean that they aren’t superhero stories

—and I realize that most of the people reading this already probably kind of feel the same about the elitist nonsense that goes on regarding pretty much every example of genre fiction, except for like big-budget sci-fi and fantasy that either sticks to very conventional models, and/or is written and/or directed by someone we might call an Auteur™, like Ridley Scott, James Cameron, or Guillermo del Toro, or like GRRM would be called if he made movies

……but this tendency grinds my gears anyway because the fuck what even, people. All of the genre fiction that gets bagged on like this has an established history with enough examples to prove that they are is just as widely varied in content and “quality” as yet another movie about a cis white dude and a cis white lady who want to be together but they can’t because of Reasons Or Something, wow such innovation, very forbidden, etc. etc. obviously NO ONE has EVER told a story like this before in the entire history of human storytelling, ha ha ha, GAG)

But anyway, as I was saying. Pastiche or something.

Still, it’s not a deconstruction properly because as much as I love and am creatively indebted to some of them — with Watchmen on the, “it has problems but I overall love it even if I don’t always agree with what Alan and Dave had to say or how they said it” side, The Dark Knight Returns on the, “Frank Miller can go step on a rusty nail and get tetanus, what a douchebag” side,

Deadpool in general on the, “I mean, I respect that you have a vision of what kind of fourth wall-breaking self-aware hijinks you want to get up to, and I enjoy it sometimes, but on one hand? For all I don’t agree with everything that’s said in Wisecrack’s “Philosophy of Deadpool” video, I do think it’s fair to say that you guys often have a lot in common with hipsters, and that you have the potential to do cool shit like Cervantes did Don Quixote, but that you often don’t go as far as you could with it, which can sometimes be kinda disheartening. More importantly, though, your vision is cool and has a place at the table too, but it’s not MY vision, so you do your thing and I’m gonna do mine and if I ever do get published, I hope I can meet Gail Simone because I would just die” side

and several others falling at various points of somewhere in the middle and shit — uhhh? It’s just??? Like?

I just… don’t… really… want to write a massive deconstruction?

I mean. I enjoy reading some of them (or there are others like TDKReturns, where it’s less that I enjoy them and more that they’re important to the genre’s history but I hate them and the only reason I haven’t literally set fire to my copy of that book is that…… shit, man, that thing was expensive, and if I set it on fire, I’d have to either buy a new one or get a .cbr file for free, which would be illegal and I obviously do not condone it, nope, not at all, nudge wink ssssh)…

and I won’t deny that they’ve influenced how I approach the genre as both a reader and as a creator (I mean, ffs, I have a minor character who was literally inspired by a mix of Rorschach and my desire to petulantly piss off every fucking dudebro fanboy who reads Watchmen and doesn’t get that Rorschach is supposed to be seen as completely reprehensible. Yes, he’s a different kind of reprehensible from Eddie Blake and Adrian Veidt, but all of them are still pretty reprehensible, that’s kind of the fucking point. The only so-called “heroes” in Watchmen who accomplish anything of major historical significance are either completely reprehensible, or they’re Doctor Manhattan and so far removed from their former sense of humanity that they might as well be on a different existential plane entirely)

……but, for all I enjoy deconstructions, I don’t want to write one, personally.

And anyway, the original point to all of this is that my story wouldn’t exist as it does without fandom because, on one hand, I got exposed to pretty much all of this through/because of fandom, or while I was in fandom; and on the other, the way that fandom relies so much on envisioning new possibilities for characters and stories, and combining seemingly disparate elements into new shapes, and mashing up tropes and ideas that don’t seem to go together but finding a way to make it work…… like?

That’s shaped me so much as a writer, even outside of fandom, that I don’t know where to begin finding examples of it in action, because it’s just everywhere in my writing tbh. And I don’t think that it makes anything I’m doing, “new” as such, because I’m probably overly aware of what most of my different influences are and how they’ve influenced me in which ways and so on…… but I don’t need or want to completely reinvent the wheel, I just want to have fun making up my stories and maybe bringing in something that other people enjoy and can read without feeling like their time was wasted, y’know?

…also, I will totally admit to certain fandom mainstay tropes and idioms having different degrees of influence on my story, and to deliberately trying to work in phrases like, “to toe out of one’s shoes” that are almost exclusively found in fanfiction because…… uh, I know where I came from, and while I might have various problems with where I came from on a pretty much constant basis, I still love and respect where I came from, so why not use some of our idioms and popular tropes?

………also? I’m doing it because I want to, that’s why.

Just like how there was no actual NEED, as such, for me to make Yael and Elizabeth a deliberate middle-finger to Marvel and their penchant for baiting Cherik, and then screaming, “OH WAIT NOOOOOPE, NO HOMO, DON’T LET’S BE SILLY, CHILLAX YOU STUPID FANGIRLS!!!!” — like I could’ve had them in the story and the world without doing that…

…but I wanted to do that, so I’m gonna do that, and since I’m not violating any copyright or intellectual property laws because what I’m doing doesn’t rip off anything more than general concepts that Marvel has no exclusive or protected ownership of, and even if it did, what I’m doing would count as a commentary or satire and be protected by the First Amendment and the US Supreme Court, therefore no one can do shit about shit to stop me from having my two badass older lady lesbians who are, in fact, married and are co-headmistresses of their school for the exceptionally gifted. Nah nah nah nah nah nah, ha ha ha ha ha ha.

(……………I am a serious adult writer who takes her writing seriously. …also, I’m sorry, and I’m done now, and thank you for reading if you have, and if you got to this finishing point, please go help yourself to like…… a cookie. Or five. Or idk, any kind of treat you want, I don’t know you and I’m not your boss, so I can’t guess what your idea of a treat is much less tell you what to do. Okay, I’m done now, bye)

ETA: ……oh, and I guess that I tag whoever wants to do this themself, because I just spent a few hours writing it and I don’t wanna look at it anymore, not even to pass the meme on, so…… heeeey, free invite, you can do a meme just because you want to and then blame me

#bizeke #ella tag #memes for ts #mine: writing #that story with the mutants that i should find a working title for fml #opinions for ts #i wouldn't say that i'm being exactly critical of marvel or dc or anything that i mention by name in this #but i'm not being NOT-critical either bc i'm talking about how they all influenced my approach to the superhero genre & writing in it #and since i perpetually have some kind of criticism or some kind of problem with pretty much everything……… well. #things that vaguely resemble criticism do kinda tend to come up a bit #……also i yell for a while about the elitist bullshit that most genre fiction is subjected to and how much i hate it #because it's always a good time to hate elitist bullshit

[perksofbeingcindy]

My Yearly Update !

Hello, to anybody out in the universe who might or might not be reading this. Well.. another entire year went by since I made my last post on here, so not much progress, eh? Listen, I am clearly terrible at this. And I don’t even know why, because I do really enjoy it, but as with everything else, I can’t seem to ever find the motivation to remain constant with it. Will I ever finish anything??!!

Anyways, let’s keep the ball rolling. To be quite honest with you, the past couple of months have been a total blur and emotional rollercoaster. Way too much has happened during this past year for me to try and make a month-to-month review like last time, therefore I will try to just sum up the main points.  Education Let’s rip the band aid off and begin with school. Well, I totally blew it with the whole passing classes aspect of school. To the point where I’m currently on probation. As of right now, I’m doing alright in all of classes, but I MUST pass both math classes I’m taking at SDSU or else it’s bye bye education. At least for an entire year. Which would really suck ass because we already know how I am with the whole picking things up again that I left unfinished. Aka I better fucking pass. Besides that, nothing much has changed. Still stress to the point of breaking down. Kinda feel one of those episodes creeping in but we chill. we out here.

Workwise  I got a second job! I need a constant change of scenery or else I get bored and unmotivated to keep on going. Therefore, I decided to spice up my life a little and applied to be a tutor at my community college’s tutoring center. I managed to get the job about 2 months ago, and so far it’s been pretty alright! Unfortunately though, I am not getting as many hours as I’d like to, because I’m kinda in a tight money situation right now, but environment-wise it’s pretty great. It feels good to breath a little from the high school environment, and kinda of makes me consider going for my masters sooner than planned, in order to teach at a community college part time while simultaneously working my high school job. Would that drive me insane? Probably. But anyways, that’s at least  good 5 years away in the future. So, one step at a time porfavor. I also applied in order to have more experience teaching a different array of people, in order to build up my resume. And well, in order to meet more people! It’s nice to make #demcontacts at the high school I’m working at, but I wanted to make new acquaintances that are closer to my age, and I think I’m doing a pretty good job at that so far, so hopefully that keeps up! I’ll be attending my first workshop in a couple of weeks, so I’m excited to get to meet more tutors that work for the center. ngl, there’s one particular tutor who I’d like to get to know better, so let’s hope that happens ;)

Photography  Ok this particular area in my life is where I advanced the most during the last year. After I got that little photogig last August, I got to work two other times for that same family, therefore I’m practically their unofficial official photographer haha. I’ve also gotten to shoot not only 1, but TWO weddings since then! which is hella crazy to me because I didn’t picture myself doing that for a while. The beginning of this year was pretty quiet in this area of my life, but once May came around, graduations also came around. Amy came through again and recommended her friend to work with me for her SDSU grad pics!! So after that, I decided to promote myself on the local fb groups and managed to work on like 6 other shoots in the span of one month, which was a pretty huge deal to me. I was super busy that month but I didn’t even mind because I was having the time of my life. It was then that I realized that I wanted to start working more on my portraits, and therefore I did. Another local photographer gave me the chance to work with her for a collab, and it was definitely one of the best experiences of my life up to now. I am still so content with how those photos came out, and still have so many of them to show to the world. That also happened in June, and I got the chance to work with her again in September for another amazing collab. It involved driving to laguna beach, which was already beautiful on its own, and we took photos of models in wedding dresses on the beach. Definitely my favorite photos I’ve created to this date. I really hope that she gives me the chance to work with her again in the future. After that, I had a shoot for a quince during mid-october which also went pretty nicely. We drove to Lake Cuyamaca and it was really nice there. it REALLY made me wanna keep driving further in, in order to experience colorful trees. Unfortunately, I will probably not be able to this year. And well that brings us to now. I have many shoot ideas/concepts that I’d love to bring to life before the year ends, but for that I need models. I’m still working on my people skills so honestly just accomplishing one of my ideas would be incredible. Lets hope that gets to happen. I also really truly wanna shoot for The Regrettes!! They’re coming back to SD and I won’t forgive myself if I miss them again. Shooting for them but just be a huge cherry on the top.

Lifewise I have not been feeling the best lately and I’m not too sure why. I think it’s just every little thing going wrong in my life is just piling up and waiting to spill aka for me to have a breakdown. It’s a little overdue so I’m kinda just preparing for it to happen. I’ve been super tense lately and I don’t know how to relax. Money is an issue right now, or else I would’ve flown somewhere to get away for a little but but since that can’t happen right now, I kinda just have to suck it up. It’s ok though. In general, this year has included some of the highest peaks of my life, like finally meeting my bae Michael Clifford!! but its also been full of many stressful moments and therefore it’s just been wack. I’m excited for this to be over. I need a fresh start. Oh, I also finally bought a planner for this academic year and I’ve actually been keeping up with it to the best of my ability so that’s a huge thing for me. I also celebrated 1 year of being vegetarian not so long ago so that felt nice. And that’s pretty much it. Well, I think thats a pretty alright summary of how my life’s been for the past year or so. Since I now have a planner, I will try my best to schedule Monthly blog posts, in order to be able to better describe what’s going on. I like reminiscing but most importantly, I like to look back at how much I’ve grown during the months/year. Sometimes it’s truly the hardest thing in the world to motivate myself to keep moving forward. Like what’s the point, right? well, after looking back and seeing how much I’ve accomplished since the last post, it feels pretty darn good. So, thank you past me. Now, future me, I hope that you managed to keep growing even more by the time you read this. Thank u. 

#blog post #blogger

[aceparson-blog]

Distract Me | Parched

CHARACTERS: March Anderson and Kent Parson LOCATION: Phone Conversation DATE: Early February (directly after this text message) NOTES: March calls Kent to cheer him up and they DTR :)

MARCH Exiting the messages app and opening the phone app, March hovered Kent's contact in her phone and pressed the blue phone. Pressing her phone to her ear, she eased into her head listening to the dial tone. "Hey," March said sweetly, "are you ready for petty college drama?"

KENT Kent let out a sigh of relief when his phone played March's ringtone--a cute underwater bubbly noise that made him smile every time. "Hey," he said, sinking back into his couch and pulling his comfy blanket up to his chest. "God, yes. Give me all the drama, please."

MARCH March giggles, pressing the phone closer to her ear. Looking over at her door, she makes sure it's closed m before she goes full Gossip Girl on Kent. "Okay, so. My teammate Janis has this super complicated thing with a guy on the lacrosse team." March starts off. "Which, first off. Was stupid from the start. It's the lacrosse team. It's like proven by Ransom and Holster that they're all douches." She rolls her eyes, before letting out a huff. "Anyways. A couple months back Janis found out her douche of a boyfriend was following with some girl on the soccer team. And his excuse was because we were on the road so it 'didn't count' like can you believe that?"

KENT Kent snorted. "What the fuck? What a serious douchecanoe, god. I don't know much about lacrosse dudes, but I've been around Ransom and Holster enough times to know that they're bad news." He hugged the couch pillow closer to his chest--it was a poor substitution for his cat, but it was better than nothing on a roadie. "So is she actually still dating this guy?"

MARCH "They're literally terrible, and super gross. I really don't know what she sees in him. I don't even know his name." Now sitting up, March pulled off her glasses and set them on the window sill next to her bed. "Oh no, it gets better! They got back together and were disgusting for like two weeks. Like normally their PDA is normal, but since they agreed to put the cheating behind them -- Which, fuck that. They've been off the charts." Putting her phone on speaker, March set it on her bed while she pulled her hair into a high pony tail. "Anyways. He like canceled on them going to the mall and shit and Janis went anyways cause she had to get whatever and she fucking saw him there with another girl. I swear to god I'm gonna punch him."

KENT "Oh my god are you fucking serious? What the hell? This guy is more than a douchecanoe, he's like a...a douche Titanic, Jesus Christ." Kent sat up on the hotel room's couch and leaned his cheek against his hand. "So? Did she finally dump his ass or are they going to try and /work things out/?"

MARCH March rolled her eyes and giggled, "Douche Titanic, that's hilarious I gotta tell Ransom and Holster that one." Getting off her bed, March walked over to her desk, searching for her headphones. After finding them she hopped back on her bed and plugged them into her phone and then her ears. "Not sure. I'm trying to stay out of it. The whole situation frustrates me. I told her back when the first incident happened that she could find someone better."

KENT "I mean, that's probably smart to stay out of it. Drama's only fun when you're on the outside." He picked at the edge of the throw pillow, distracted for a moment by the bold geometric pattern. "Hey, how are Ransom and Holster doing, anyway? Did they ever actually work their shit out? Because I'm not above meddling, babe."

MARCH "I will only be involved if I get to punch him. He maybe 6'4 but I have a mean right hook." March joked, even though she wasn't in the slightly. She really would punch that dude in the face. He really deserved it. "Oh! Yeah, they did. Actually? We're dating. All of us." March added a smile growing on her face. "It's pretty awesome."

KENT Kent dropped the pillow and grinned. "Shut up. All three of you? Dude, that is so great." He snuggled back into his blanket, his head resting on the arm of the couch. "You're so lucky, dating all these hot hockey boys. And holy shit, Holster is an excellent kisser. I really hope we end up on the same team because roadies suck without a buddy to make out with, you know?"

MARCH "It's been really nice. Holster is.. A lot of things. Really hot being one of them." March laughed and rolled her eyes again. "What can I say, I have a thing for hockey players I guess." March knew as much about hockey as a girlfriend of three hockey players should. But she has no clue how the NHL worked. If that was possible, she'd want that for Holster. Ultimately she wanted whatever made him happiest. "That would so fucking awesome, oh my god imagine?" Her mind still running off on a scenario. "I know, I hope whatever happens works out in his favor. He deserves it."

KENT Kent's smile softened. "He really does. He's gonna go to an awesome team, I just know it. Fingers crossed that he goes with the Bruins, though. It's pretty much for sure that I'm gonna be in Boston next season so." He closed his eyes and let out a happy sigh. "At least I'll be closer to everyone." He licked his lips. "I miss you."

MARCH March sighed and felt her chest tighten slightly. "I miss you too." She fell silent for a moment before speaking up again. "So Boston huh?" March smiled into her phone. "Hopefully I stay in the area for grad school so we're actually on the same side of the country."

KENT Kent turned on his side and pressed his forehead against the back of the couch, his chest full. "Yeah. The Bruins seem like a pretty good fit for me and. It will be nice to be close to home, you know? I didn't really want to go back to New York, but I wanted to be close to mom. And I've got a lot of friends in the Boston area, so that's nice, too." He licked his lips. "Any grad school prospects yet?"

MARCH "I have faith that you would be great anywhere, but Boston is closer." March felt herself smiling at the idea of seeing Kent more. Any time March thought of grad school for longer than three seconds anxiety hit her. And it hit her hard. "No." She said curtly. "I- Don't know if I want to go. It's, scary. I don't know. It's weird." Her voice was a tad shaky as she tried to calm herself down. She still has time to figure it out.

KENT "Ah. I'm sorry babe, I didn't realize it was a touchy subject." He but his lip. "It's gonna be okay. You have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do, honey." He fiddled with a loose thread on the couch cushion. "It's okay to wait a bit. These big things are scary, babe. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that. Ad...well, soon you'll be dating two different NHL players so it's not like you're gonna go hungry or anything, you know? We've got your back."

MARCH "It's just. Don't want to leave." The realization dawns on her and a lot of it makes sense. She put off college applications because she didn't want to leave her friends. It's the same thing. "I wouldn't have time for volley anymore. And I've never wanted to go pro or anything but I love playing it. I've played it since high school." March starts rambling, feeling the words spill out of her. "I'm just so used to be here. Being the student athlete. Now I'm gonna be the graduate student? I want to be a freshmen again." She laughs softly and bites down on her lip only to laugh again shortly after. "Yes, my two NHL boyfriends are gonna support me while I figure my way through life."

KENT "Change is the worst," Kent agreed. "Even the good kind of change like graduating. It's hard. But...you don't have to leave, do you? I mean, I guess it depends on the kind of program you want to do, but have you looked at the grad degrees that Samwell offers? There's probably something in your field that you'd be interested in." He paused. "Do you have an idea about what you want to do? Or do you just want something that's related to marine bio?" He laughed and nodded his head. "Hell yeah your two NHL boyfriends are gonna support you!" His eyes widened a bit. "Wait. Um. Am I...your boyfriend?"

MARCH "I haven't thought of that actually.." Her voiced trailed off, thinking about all mailed letters sitting at her parents house. "I'll look into it, I kinda wanna see if I got into any of the places I already applied too. Even though just saying that makes me want to vomit." Realizing what she said, March falls silent. Her teeth biting into her tongue as she feels her mouth go dry. "Oh. Um. You don't have to be.. If you don't want to.. Do you?"

KENT "Um." Kent couldn't actually see his own face, but his cheeks felt flushed and warm. "That would be good. Yeah. I think I'd like to be...your boyfriend." He smiled softly. "I like you a lot, you know. I'm really happy that I decided to come back out that way. It's gonna be nice to see everyone more often." He glanced at the window, showing the smoggy view of Phoenix. "It gets a little lonely out here."

MARCH "A little nervous over there?" March teases lightly feeling her own confidence coming back. "Is that so? Is my charming good looks or quick wit that got you all in a tizzy?" She asks again. A laughter takes over her body shaking her shoulders. "I like you too Kent."

KENT Kent snorted. "Oh, it's the quick wit thing, for sure. Your charming good looks are just a bonus." He ducked his head and grinned. "I'm glad you like me, babe. We definitely need to do something next time I'm near Samwell."

MARCH "You sure know how to make a girl blush Parson," March felt warm all over. From the apples of her cheeks to the pit of her stomach. It was a feeling she also felt around Ransom and Holster too. "I wish you could come to one of my games without being bombarded by fans." March pouted, though she knew Kent couldn't see her. "When Thing 1 & Thing 2 are able to come they're a riot."

KENT "Maybe I can come undercover. I'm sure the guys could sneak me in. We can bond over how fucking awesome our girlfriend is." He grabbed the bag of pretzels on the coffee table and popped one in his mouth. "Thanks for calling me, babe. It's nice, talking to you. And I like the sound of your voice."

MARCH Letting out a giggle, March shakes her head, her nose wiggling as she tries to fight off the blush blossoming on her cheeks. Even though she's alone and it can't be seen because of her dark complexion, she's still slightly embarrassed. "Hearing you say that makes me so happy, you don't even know." Pulling her blanket over her body, March snuggled into her bed and smiled into the once. "I just want you to be happy. It sucks you're so far away. I know about ten different ways to cheer you up."

KENT Kent let out a soft sigh. It was comforting to talk to her--she just got him. "Well talking to you makes me happy." He ate another pretzel with a grin. "Ten whole ways to cheer me up? Really? What would you do?"

MARCH "One of them would be to hug you for as long as you wanted. And sing Britney Spears songs until we couldn't breathe. I could also cook you dinner, I'm pretty awesome in the kitchen," March turned on her back and stared at the ceiling. "I could tell you, but I think it would be more fun to just show you the next time you're here."

KENT Kent blushed and stared down at his blanket. "All of those sound amazing. I am definitely holding you to that when I'm up there. I think we have a game there sooner or later. I'll have to check the schedule." He yawned and laid back on the couch, a couple pretzels spilling in the process. He would deal with them later. "I am fucking beat. Today was too long."

MARCH Thinking about seeing Kent again made the butterflies in her stomach goes crazy. "Hopefully we can make something work." After hearing Kent yawn, March let one out herself; rubbing one of her eyes. "You should get some rest babe. Might make you feel better."

KENT Kent sighed. "Yeah, I guess. Maybe I'll make Swoops snuggle with me or something. Make things a little less lonely." He frowned down at hands, which were clenched together. "I miss him. Is that fucked up?"

MARCH March felt her heart clench in her chest, hearing Kent's sad words. "Oh, honey. It's not at all." March said softly wishing she could do more than just call him. "It sucks. It really fucking sucks. And I know you care about him. But in the long run this will be better for you."

KENT Kent sniffed quietly and nodded. "Yeah. I know you're right. It's just...weird. I don't know." He sighed again and sat up. "I'm gonna go find Swoops and head to bed. Thanks for distracting me, babe. You're the best."

MARCH March frowned, closed her eyes and sighed. Hearing Kent sniffle made her angry, and there was barely anything she could do. "Stop being such a famous NHL hockey player so you can come here and I can cuddle you silly." She sounded angry, but not at him. "Okay.." Her voice trailed off as she bit down on her lower lip. "Get some sleep okay? Text me if you need anything." March felt herself smile, though she felt she needed the praise. "Anytime sweetheart."

KENT Kent laughed and said, "Yeah, I'll work on that." He nodded to himself. "I will. And I'll definitely text you in the morning." He rubbed his eyes and headed for the comfy-looking bed. "Good night, babe."

#marchandersons #rp #ch: march #scene 19