#or that we wont be active or involved enough and basically tell us to fuck off in polite terms

[shepherdenjoyer]

this is the information that we had about D dog. that's the info on her page (put through a translator, but its accurate) regarding how she is with other animals, and during the interview reactivity was only mentioned as a possibility not as a known fact about this dog. only dog? no problem. no cats? even less of a problem. potential for reactivity? sure. it can happen with any dog. known aggression towards other dogs? why the hell are you waiting for people to apply and go through a fucking interview before letting them know a week later that they're not fit for this dog and that that's the reason why. all that does is give people false hopes and upset that could be avoided by clear, direct, honest communication of a dog's issues/challenges. i heard about the specific language/way of wording things shelters and rescues use but i had hoped it wouldnt be a universal thing, at least not something i'd experience myself. turns out i was wrong!

maybe im being immature and unfair to these people, they probably dont all have the same amount of knowledge of the dogs and communicating all that inbetween volunteers/workers/and us can be difficult. but im angry and im allowed to express that ffs.

#mine #back to puppy plans and not terribly happy about it and not optimistic either #(more than)half expecting every breeder we get in touch with to assume we're in it for the looks or cool factor #or that we wont be active or involved enough and basically tell us to fuck off in polite terms #idk if im resilient enough to have to explain how invested and enamored i am with those breeds over and over only to be rejected - #- because i wasnt born doing 50 diffferent sports with a dog #maybe im wrong and it'll be a great and supportive experience. find that hard to imagine at this point though #which is also why im trying and mostly failing to think about other things right now. bc ik this isnt a good mindset to be in. #i just want a dog. why does it have to be so fucking complicated #it seemed like we were finally going somewhere and we werent and this whole deal was pretty much all for nothing

[1990jeevas]

Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

#shit self #asks #the get down #mylene cruz #shaolin fantastic #dizzee kipling #long post #analysis #info dump #idk if anon has seen tgd or is just being nice so i tried givinh background to things #kinz #bangerz #discourse

[sevilemar]

This nonny sent me a lot of longer and shorter posts with everything about them that might be relevant for their sorting. I think they wanted to make absolutely sure that I have all the information I need to come to the correct conclusion. They were very thorough, and I appreciate their thoughtfulness.

(Also, doesn't this already sound like a certain primary to you? 😉)

But I can't use it all, and so I picked the parts that had the most clues in them and put them into a narrative that makes sense to me. Only nonny will know if it makes sense to them as well, and that's ok. I will also only sort their primary today, because it's late and the post is already long.

Yes i feel that people should care a lot more about the world and know whats going on, they cant be ignorant fools acting as if theres 0.00000 going on, so i help to ensure ppl know by spreading awareness about wtvs going on. Eventually ill try to make the hard choice n sacrifice myself after i try to save the world.

I dislike hypocrites, ignorant assholes who act as if nothings happening, two faced, disloyal, n/or egoistic idiots who think it's okay to go around asserting themselves, looking down on others just because they have all the power which is so fucked up.

I do like spreading awareness about the world because yes everyone deserves to know about stuff. I agree educating peoples hella important. And also, screw authority!

I think if a snake was angry about this, they would also mention which one of their people cares too little about what's going on, or suffered from egoistic idiots, or never had the education they needed, etc. Because without a person we care about involved, we wouldn't care so much. I hear this kind of sentiment mostly from my idealist friends, although it could be a badger caring about educating and protecting a community that's discriminated against by the authorities.

I dont believe that to save a friend ill sacrifice the world. Theres no fucking logic in doing that like bruh?? Killing a lot of people just to save 1 friend? I can save 1 friend while not sacrificing the friend, simple solution. Its foolish and stupid as hell.

Spoken like a true idealist, and one who talks about logic instead of feelings. Another point to bird primary, me thinks.

I joined St Johns Brigade hoping to learn first aid, i perhaps thought that ill get enough first aid skills in order to become a nurse eventually. During those days, i felt that i belonged to the group on my own even i didnt have much friends, and my efforts were being recognised by being given badges + certificates from the courses I attended.

I feel i belong with the shadowhunters cast, n/or perhaps the shadowfam because we all are passionate about shadowhunters no matter where we came from. Yes im passionate about getting justice.

Well i just want to belong somewhere, without having to change myself to fit in, to feel acceptance, recognised, heard, understood for being myself.

You talk a lot about belonging to a group, getting accepted by a group, and how difficult it is for you. We always associate this kind of talk with badgers, but wanting to belong somewhere is also a basic human need. And since you feel like you never really belonged anywhere, it could be badger or a human need that is so urgent because it went unfulfilled for so long.

In my co circular activity days i wanted to quit so that my organisation wont have to suffer w me inside it, they would be better off without me inside.

In the friendship I had w my ex best friend, I felt that i was being the matyr, selfless one, the one who put in all her effort, time n energy just for it all not to be reciporated back, so i felt worthless, like a piece of shit, not appreciated much by him.

I wish there was at least 1 person to accept me as I am, doesn't wish for me to change myself to fit in so I can finally tell the person everything I can.

If it is badger, it's a burned one. Could also be a burned snake longing for a person. Or, you know, basic human needs.

Let's talk about recognition, because that is also something you talk about a lot:

I joined St Johns Brigade hoping to learn first aid, i perhaps thought that ill get enough first aid skills in order to become a nurse eventually. During those days, i felt that i belonged to the group on my own even i didnt have much friends, and my efforts were being recognised by being given badges + certificates from the courses I attended.

I just want to belong somewhere maybe to anyone or a community where i can be recognised heard understood for being myself + not being forced to make them happy whichs so fucking fake + my efforts r like recognised seen + im given genuine praise.

I want to belong somewhere so my efforts are seen n recognised.

And again, wanting to be recognised is a basic human need, even though we associate it with glory hound lion in shc, or with an external primary like badger or bird. If you feel like your voice is not being heard and your efforts go to waste, you'll suffer no matter the primary.

Based on this and on the other information you gave me, I'd put you down as a bird primary who needs to make sure you and everyone else have all the information and education you need to keep up with what's going on, and who desperately wants to belong somewhere and be recognised for who you are by at least one person for your efforts.

Stay tuned for the second(ary) part.

#sortinghatchats #bird primary #sevil sorts #submissions #ask answer

[seedleaflesssapling]

Ver 2.0? Turning Point?

I can't really identify to which point in my life that i started to doubt myself but im pretty sure that it was because of UP. Damn, that school, my uni. It do really have the ability to make you feel small; i was in a disadvantaged side when i entered it, you know. I was acquainted, no we did not really talked one-on-one, but i heard when we did introductions - Pisay, UP High, science comprehensive schools, Xavier University, who wouldn't be intimidated by that when you came from Col. Ruperto Abellon National School (who would know where that is? I was lucky enough for a teacher recognized it and my classmates be like 'ahhhhhh,' .....really?! I dont even know where xavier is, it just sounds cool). Another thing is that, i wasn't a stem shs graduate - a leverage(?) or excuse (?) that i always use for them to know that i am at disadvantaged side here, not their competitor, probably a NOBODY. They, being stem graduates, have capstone projects you never thought that they have at that age, but i would hear them saying that it was publish in this journal (whatever, idk the journals lmao, i dont even understand their studies 2nd lmao, but that was some smart shit you know, a shit that makes me feel pathetic for being too proud of my what? Correlational study from inconsistent surveys?!!! Wtf, wtf, wtf). But it was a very good peer pressure you know, i kinda turned it that way. Being left behind, being on the rock bottom, i have no other place to go but up. It wasn't the goal, like making or taking the top spot, i just need to survive.

Inevitably, the exams came. I had hard time adjusting chem but math was kind to me. Who would have thought that i would get two 1.0 at my math subjects for the first semester, the sem that i thought i would barely pass. I was even a CS for that sem. Who would have thought? Our first chemical engineering subject that involves computations was on the list the next semester and the first exam, out of 100 i got something like 20ish. WTF. THAT WAS MY FIRST FAILED EXAM. but no, never did cry but tears were flooding inside. So apparently, i have to focus more on this subject and i did. Some were still failing, but i raised my average up. We also had physics, my first ever physics. I really love physics that time or that sir rommel is just a very good professor. I got the highest score on our second LE, everybody else did fail. Small victories. Not that they lose, but i just won. But i heard one time they were talking about me re: passing the physics exam and even getting a high score. They were uhm.. a guy i really look up to cause his good, the other was a girl that idk but i think she didn't like me back then. They were friends but eventually the girl transferred uni because who cares why. i heard the guy saying something like sin.o gid na si franklin nga taas iya score man, maybe even worse than that, i still look up to the guy even until now. But wtf. I really took it in that time, like i wanted to cry but did not. With all that, i got a fair grade at physics. I still got 1.0 at maths that sem and even maintained being on the CS list. S M I L E. BECAUSE WE HAVE A MIDYEAR CLASS. VERY EXHAUSTING FOR SOMEONE WHO DONT WANT ANYTHING BUT JUST ADJUST, SURVIVE, AND FIND MEANING OF BEING A UP STUDENT. It was just one subject and it was math, but i got 2.0?!!! I have no excuse to that, i am very grateful for the family who accommodated me. After midyear class, i did got sick, it sucks, really sucks. I wanted to file an LOA for the next academic year, it is the only thing i can think of for me to go back on track (i haven't said that my parents pushed me to graduate with latin honor and i wanted to also for my resume to look good because everything else in me is effed up). I really wanted to pause and be free for a while but i also wanted to graduate on time (mostly because i want to give the bitches who dared to have expectations be put on my shoulders not the satisfaction, but the audacity to tell them 'i aint did it for ya') so i asked mama. THANK GOD, SHE DID SAY NA KUNG ANO LANG KAYA MO, AMO LANG DA IH 😭😭🤧🤧 so i enrolled, but went to school late, haven't attended the school opening but all is good. I did kind of reset, just enough for me to face school again.

Second year, it was fucked. I did really love coding on octave and doing sheets at ms excel though. On that year, we have formed the che 103 bagsak group. Together with two of my classmates on 103 and math 55, we became buddies after failing che 103 on the first LE, another 30 over 100 exam hahahahaha. We made bawi just enough for us to pass the subject hahahahahuhu. I have thermodynamics sub, i barely pass. Thank G na wala ko nag removal. If ever i did, i am so sure that i wont make it. My GWA for that sem was not enough for me to be a CS. Who cares? I still did, actually but mama was never been too pushy since then, even since after midyear, after getting that 2.0 grade from the only subject i am good at. Btw, my math 55 for first sem, second year, was 1.25. Not a 1.0 but still, it's good. Second semester that year was when pandemic hit so there's nothing much to tell. I was, sorry but i was really, glad to be away from school for a while, not until for a while became forever. Virtual university set-up was very hard. With too much from taking in whatever i see and hear on my surroundings, even just at home, everything is difficult. It is very hard to find motivation and discipline in studying when i was surrounded with people who do nothing. Even to this point i am writing, everyday is like a battle, but is mostly an internal one. Self vs self, a war no one knows who will win. So the confidence, the tower of knowledge i did build, exponentially went down. I did really well when i was in grade 10, i did my best that time and it can be seen at the achievements i had that year. Being consistently on top 1 the whole year, placing second on division MMC (even getting the highest score on the written elimination round for the whole cluster), doing well sa physics under maam andico, placings on cluster journalism competitions - it was like a record best, best record (?) Whatever. But it wasn't enough you know, i eventually came fourth like wtf. I had read from somewhere Newton saying like the two years when he did write the three laws of motion and the calculus stuff were the two best years of his life, and it kept me thinking that what if mine already passed? That it was when i was in high school?

But, back when i was in school, every time that i was belittling myself or even at random times that i would feel nervous for nothing, my classmates and close friends would say na:

Uno mo man ang Math, uno mo na na (it was a one or two time thing, what if chamba lang to???)

Ikaw man highest sa first le sa thermo (it was really an absolutely one time thing, i barely passed that sub)

Alam ka man sa physics (i was just invested on physics and maybe nachambahan lang na ang ginpractice ko solve kay parallel sa exam ni sir)

Alam ka, d ka lang confident (OKAY???!)

I was ignoring those shit cause who cares if i did really good that time. Yeah, it felt good but it wasn't fulfilling. Satisfied but not happy. But with recent events, i think i would be changing. This post will be a written contract that i will push to be better, to start trusting myself, and build that confidence glow behind me; to believe that i am bright and i can hack it, whatever it may be.

For coherence, i would itemize na lang all of the events that brought me to epiphany lol

It was Friday, 17 Sep, when Dean, in our plant design subject, gave an activity for us - to come up with solutions that would address problems he presented. 1 off grid island community (either you address the water, electricity, and phone reception/signal problem under a 100k budget) and 2 vinegar packaging with a 500 mL volume and should cost less than the cost of vinegar. The due's on Monday, 20 Sep. The challenge is that you should come up with an idea that is not the same with those who already turned in their proposed solutions. I haven't turned in mine until Sunday afternoon. We are 23 in class, hence there should be 23 proposed solutions for each problem. However, only 20 or 21 turned in their solutions and as a student who decided to do it three days after the sheet was given, i was at the second to the last of the entries hahaha. I have limited choice since a lot have been proposed. And ngl, i did entered my idea for the first problem at Sunday evening and for the second problem it was on the afternoon of the next day. Those were basic solutions cause who am I? Am just your basic guy.

Tuesday, 21 Sep (#NeverForget #NeverAgain), class again for plant design (PD). Dean discussed stuffs which im ngl, i did not listen because im bored (not until he said 'we'll have a 5-min break and we'll have a quiz after that' like wtf, how will we do our quiz???!). After the short break, I did study cause i panicked as hell, he presented the prospects of the course, that we will be divided in groups and that the leaders were chosen based on the solutions they turned in the activity previously given. So there's no quiz, i was calm the whole time after that until my name was called. Like wtf??! Your basic guy will be a leader???! Hello!!! So i chat people, asked them if it was a good thing (course it was!!!? So dumb right?!). And then, i asked another leader and she agreed to my argument that we should only be divided into six instead of seven as what dean has decided. So i chatted dean (pic below). I just accepted the role half-heartedly.

As leaders, we should be hiring people for our team and we should make pubs. I dont have a canva account to help me do pubs. I made mine at MS ppt HAHAHAHAHAHA but im good so its cute. We were assigned with projects and i get to have the 4-member team. The vacant roles were project maven and liaison officer for a 3-member team. In my pubs, i included scrummaster as position to be filled, cause who am i to lead?! So yeah, that's it. I did the pubs Wednesday and I submitted my resume Thursday (third to the last hahahaha but my resume's cute hahaha).

Thursday. So i had this invite by a classmate to join the Shell event long time ago. He was reaching out for someone to ask Dean for his approval because Dean did not replied to the email he sent. So, i volunteered. I really want this competition cause this will be my first and maybe last competition as a UP student. So i DMed dean and blah blah blah he asked for selection process. I relayed the message and apologize to them for being me because i was thinking that it was me who made him come up with the decision of having the team be selected. Like, wtf i was just asking for his approval. Getting kicked out of the team was not my intention. Those whom i chatted that night were telling me that it wasn't my fault blah blah blah. So i half-heartedly agreed to them.

Friday came, yesterday, the interview. I am very anxious for someone who will be the one asking the applicants lmao. I already have been interviewed before for college applications and somehow remember the feeling, nerve wracking, whatever. To calm my nerves, i listed questions which i never got to ask properly btw, but at least i have concrete ideas on what to ask. The first interviewee was my very closed friend and so we just laugh and laugh and laugh HAHAHAHAHA. IDK if dean saw it but who cares. And the next and next and next. 3:30 passed by fast and guess what??? YOUR BASIC GUY HAS THE MOST NUMBER OF APPLICANTS TO THE POINT THAT DEAN CUT MY LIST. IT WAS EXHAUSTING BUT VERY FLATTERING. I FEEL SO HONORED. i really thought and very scared at the thought that no one will apply to me but wtf, just wtf. Ranking my applicants was damn hard. 1 i have a dream team but one was cut by dean; 2 this could make my friends mad; 3 this will be the group for the whole year; 4 i am really exhausted. But still, i submitted the list. I was hoping for the people i chose to choose me back. Only two out of three did, i am forever grateful.

Still on Friday, the classmate who invited me to the Shell thing and Dean had a zoom call and discussed about the competition. That classmate told dean what i told him the other day that i might be the reason for the decision of having the selection process done. He told me this through a voice memo, katamad daw magtype. A voice message that i played over and over again. Dean actually find me interesting (?), Invested (?) Idk exactly but the classmate told me na 'may nakikita daw talaga sya sayo. Na grabe ka ka-practical as a person like yung ideas mo daw sa plant design napakasimple lang pero napaka practical to the point daw na madami nag apply sayo kanina. And then, you need more confidence lang daw talaga' so ig, you basic guy is a practical guy now. It's just flattering.

Now, whatever happens, i must meet those expectations right? This could be a lousy motivation but what is if there's none? I dont know why im writing this. I just thought i should get my thoughts out. Ver 2.0? Turning point? Let's just do good 😌

PS I put this on my bio on FB, guess im getting more public, and if you happened to read this because you saw the link on my bio, send me a message about you thoughts.

PPS if your initials are JTZC, these have been my week and i miss you even though you're not interested in me anymore, you are hard to forget

[themeed]

damn allowed myself to want things for a day and all i want is a van to live in, knowledge, freedom, weight loss, and a bass guitar.

im. happy with that i think. im proud of me, no jokes. im proud of being able to want things and care about them and vibrate towards them with longing. im... pleased with that. its fulfilling in a way Not Wanting For Anything isnt, because thats... kinda hollow. empty. in a vacant, lonely, yearning and grieving and SAD way. maybe because i Couldnt Want then. i Couldnt Desire or it would be used against me or taken away. that sucks. that sucked.

and now. im free to want again. and comparatively???? i think im very much never going to aim for buddhism or that weird Not Desiring Not Attached Nirvana mindset. like good for u but been there out of trauma and its not fun theres no reason to truly Live. u just float endlessly and experience and it aches so badly!!!! it hurts to want to want and not be able to. and i guess that is different from not wanting at all but... its not different enough for me to justify ever going back to that. or going forward to that. i just got this back and screw enlightenment if it means i have to give up on my passions i dont think life is worth living without it.

and anybody who looks down on that from a spiritual tower has yet to examine their own pride and how empty they feel without it.

anybody who looks down and smiles and wishes me luck on my journey? good for them. im glad theyre living their best life, on their journey as they see fit.

and i feel the need to protect myself because ive been hurt by the pride- the arrogance of others before. a lot of my hurts and traumas stem from my mother being too prideful to recognize that she can be wrong and someone under her power could be correct over her. and it was an uncomfortable truth. so she denied it was one at all and hurt me. i know the reason could be elaborated on. she didnt want to confront her own internal logic. or trauma. or even doublethink. that doesnt excuse her hurting a child for the sake of her sense of pride, of comfort, of self-worth. a child under her power, that she claimed to be parent of. teacher of.

not owing anyone anything is not the same as not hurting anyone. i havent reconciled that yet. oppressors should be held accountable for their mistakes, and give reparations if the harm is physical at LEAST. and i think that applies to politics, yes. privately though? if i beat up a nazi, i dont want to pay for his hospital bills. my personal philosophy struggles between equating people and ideas as a worth measurement, and realizing that that line of thinking is... similar to oppressors. but. its based on something people can change. the question is, do i think "if given the opportunity" is a good enough reason to stop and question a racist that runs their mouth? and do i think pre-emptive violence is okay? if say, a nazi walks into a bar and doesnt say anything but is wearing all the red flags and bells and whistles. i dont think that justifies a beatdown. being asked to leave, sure, but the beatdown doesnt start til the first remark flies.

once the intent is given OR the action is taken, the line is drawn. doesnt matter if they Havent Had The Chance. if theyre starting shit outside of debate spaces like that, and not, say, asking questions, theyre not looking for new perspectives, and it is NOT my job to educate people. its not my job to Show People The Light. a quick fucking google search could tell them why theyre wrong. if they havent put even the most basic energy into questioning their beliefs, thats on them.

it sounds like im trying to absolve myself of blame here. largely because. i think i should go out and help educate people because theyre inherently complacent if theyre, yknow, in a position of power. aka white folk and men and rich folk and cis folk and on and on and on. these people dont live my reality. they dont live the reality of a gay black man in the south, or a genderqueer lesbian in the west, or an indigenous woman whose nation is being targeted, or a muslim woman who cannot wear her headcoverings in the face of danger of death, or an asian immigrant who cant get a job because of COVD age discrimination resurging. we will never live each others realities, but we can become aware of them.

they wont come into awareness without someone asking or telling, and then doing something to change them.

we shouldnt need to go running to people in power for them to be aware of problems in the populace, govt is supposed to help and solve issues like this. like. actively. thats the whole point, make life better for the countrys citizens. and individuals in a position of social power...

are individuals who didnt take on a responsibility to protect and serve or otherwise care for the populace of a nation. i personally think they SHOULD care, but they are not obligated to. i cant make them care about others.

and honestly, on some of them, it would be a waste of time. there are people who want to change or question things and yknow what? they seek out answers. in people or places or online usually. stats and stories.

so like. i dont think someones Potential as a person matters when theres a throwdown about to happen. it really isnt my responsibility to save people from themselves or try to change their sides against their will. if they want to chat about it they can ask questions first.

not throw insults or punches or hatred.

what people have been taught is worth analyzing and trying to correct IN SOCIETY but i cant fix every broken white boy that comes to me. PSAs, fliers, outreach, online videos, debate spaces. those are things i already have access to and can be a part of if i really want to go around changing minds. or yknow. get involved in legislation and be myself around others to change their perceptions of whats socially acceptable or normal. maybe protest, maybe call congressfolk, etc.

but not every comment has to be analyzed or a learning opportunity. im allowed to shut it down, and people can respect that or stop talking to me. this isnt my parents house where i had to justify everything that i said or did when scrutinized, and doubly justify any criticism i had of mother, or any joke i frowned at instead of smiling.

these people dont have that power over me. they arent my mother. they arent my boss, and if they are i can fuck off and get a new job if necessary. they dont have financial control over my living space and food and schooling and physical control of where i can go and with who and for how long. I CONTROL THAT. I do.

Huh. maybe thats why i want a van so bad. i mean... when this lease ends if nobody is gonna end up living with me...

i could just... live in my car and shower at truck stops. get a storage unit for my stuff. save by driving jobs. like 40 to 60 a day. tear out my cars back, insulate it, and install my mattress pad there. water on the floor, cooler next to it, wooden cutting coard, knife, single camping plateware set, and another little shelf for spices. maybe a hot plate i can hook up to the car battery? get a long enough usb and it might be doable. i could go camping and open the trunk to just... vibe.

because yeah, honestly? i dont plan on having a solid apartment for a bit. like a long bit. and i still have like 70000 miles on my car before itll want to go. and by that point, even at like 100 miles a day, thats like 2 years, less if i go cross country in that vehicle. i could save up SO MUCH for a better vehicle, or like. college. live on campus, get some credit, continue working after i figure out want i want to do.

i think thats a solid plan, even if i dont get another apartment and put everything in storage. work as i need to instead of all the time for rent, really only paying for gas, car repairs, car ins, food, and phone data/hotspot internet... that would bring my monthly expenses down to like 500 a month max instead of like 1400. id only need to make some 1000 a month doing contract stuff to save for taxes and stuff. anything extra would be just that: extra for savings and things. holy shit.

depending on how this next month goes for my friends, holy s h i t.

i. i might do this. legitimately.

i. dont think i can yet. i need proof of address to get my license im pretty sure? but hey, thatll be my 21st this year, so. once i have that i wont need a new address for a While. i dont know if ill want one, really.

i could always just ask a friend or family member if i could use theirs for mail that cant go to a PO box.

anyway. yeah. wow.

[rojnapat]

how to make a simple & fancy header and trick people into believing you have photoshop skills

aka photoshop for dummies

warning: this is so fucking long idek

a lot of people have been coming into my inbox and dms asking me about my headers-- and while i always take requests! (and still do!) i wanted to offer a tutorial because it’s SUPER easy to make. it legitimately only takes 10 minutes. 

now take in mind, to any pro or expert reading this tutorial: my experience with photoshop is basically me fucking around with it since i’m 13. so please don’t be mad if i commit any photoshop crime.

i’m going to explain step by step and as basic as possible, i’m assuming whoever is planning to use this tutorial does not really know how to use photoshop; and in my opinion, in these things, the devil is in the details! very minor easy things that become an habit quite fast make the difference between a shitty header and a good one.  

1. first of all, the version i use is photoshop cs6. i wouldn’t know to tell you if some particular things in this tutorial can be done in another versions: i’d say probably yes, definitely in latest versions, and older versions have most of this settings anyway. now what we’re going to do is open our photoshop and directly open a new project. there are other ways to do this but this is the easiest for me. we’re going to change the size of the canvas to 640 x 360, since it’s the recommended size tumblr gives us for mobile headers. 

2. now most people would directly open the picture file and resize the canvas, i personally just think this is easier. what i do next is to go get my picture, and simply copy and paste it in photoshop. in this case, i’m going to use robbe and sander from wtfock. you’re going to notice that naturally your picture is wayyy bigger than the canvas, but don’t worry, the whole picture is still there. you’re just going to click the arrow button, the first one in the left toolbar. make sure the layer of the picture you just pasted is selected, and then you’re going to press ctrl + t. after that, you just have to resize it, make sure to hold down shift while making it smaller or bigger, that way it wont lose the aspect ratio. after you have the picture where and how you want it, just press enter. (the canvas is very zoomed out because the og picture was really big, but dont pay attention to that) 

3. now this is where you just get to play until it looks fancy and you trick people into thinking you’re like a top notch tumblr edits blog. the first thing i’d tell you to take in mind is the placement of your icon in the actual header. make sure to position your picture so it doesn’t cover any important part of it (like, you know, their mouths in this case.) it’s something that you can just tell by eye so don’t go too far to test it either. you can add effects, filters, color it like a real photoshop expert would, whatever you want, but what i do here is simply to play with the ‘curves’ which change the lighting and make the picture look a lot better. (i told you, i’m a scammer) here’s where the tool is and there’s no secret to it. just move it around until you like how it looks. ctrl + z is your best friend. i personally like to go brighter to make it look softer, dreamy-like. 

4. here it gets a LITTLE bit trickier if you don’t know how to use photoshop at all. you’re going to need to download torn paper brushes, you can find the ones i use here. you’re also gonna need a tutorial on how to install brushes, which you can easily find on google... there’s like, a thousand, i promise. you’re going to create a new layer by clicking the small little button in the bottom, next to the trash one. after you finally have your brushes ready to use and you have the tool already active, just choose the color you want for the header, take in mind this is the color you’re going to use as your background on tumblr, as well. here i’m going to go with plain white, but i’ll add an extra explanation for this later in case you don’t want white, because as you have seen so far, i love talking. the brush is going to look super big compared to your picture; don’t worry. you can either resize your brush, or simply resize the layer the same way we did with the picture earlier. it’s a lot of trial and error until it looks how you want. i personally like the paper to take as little space as possible, some people like it to have enough space to add text, it’s all about your personal preference.

in case instead of white you wanted, let’s say, pastel yellow, all you need to do is copy and paste the hex color later when choosing your background while customizing. for some reason, when you first do it, it doesn’t look the same, but i promise you when you save it does. if you actually do know a bit of photoshop and you’re asking yourself, “isn’t it easier to just make it a transparency?” the answer is yes, it is, but for some reason it doesn’t work. at least for me. 

5. and finally, we get to the text. this again involves a lot of trial and error, and personal taste, playing around with the tools. there’s no right or wrong, but i’m going to tell you how i do it. i like to do a minimalistic / caligraphy font sort of contrast, which is pretty basic but it makes things look HELLA fancy for some reason that is unknown to me. so that’s all you do! click the text tool, and write what you want. i recommend you use separate text layers for the different fonts, so you can play around with the placement instead of being set to the default spacing between lines. the fonts i’m using here are signatrust and telegraphic. i’m pretty sure the later is a default one, but you can find signatrust or any font you want on dafont. finally i just added a shadow, you can also add outline, glow, play around with any effects by right clicking the layer and choosing the first option in the menu. use the arrow tool to find where you want your text to go... i’m sure you got the gist at this point. 

last but not least, don’t forget to save it as “png” when go to “save as”! 

here’s our final result, which i beg of you to not use, since it was a request from my dear @driesen-demaury​! i trust you can make your own now, or you can ask me to make one for you!

graphic design is my passion

( @asksander​, here’s what i promised! )

#tumblr headers #headers #header tutorial #this is like the most pointless tutorial ever im sure but if it somehow helps #i feel like its like a tutorial on how to reset your computer like not to offend anyone i just feel like im making a big deal over nothing #djkhdhdkd

[evilkitten3]

Warning: Rant

So... I was thinking about Fairy Tail, as I am wont to do, and something occurred to me. Before I get started, I would just like to clarify a few things. I love Fairy Tail (even if there’s a lot I don’t like). I love Jellal. I love Ultear. I love the Tartaros arc.

I am going to complain about all of those things. This will not be short. This will not lack profanity. Read at your own risk.

So one of the most controversial characters in Fairy Tail - aside from all the other ones - is Jellal Fernandes. Some people love him, some people hate him, some people are indifferent, etc. Sadly, most of the people who love him have a tendency to defend him blindly (yours truly included). So let’s talk about some problems people have with him.

The biggest is his recruitment of the Oración Seis - five individuals who were at one point enslaved to him, whom he beats the shit out of and recruits. A lot of people feel that he didn’t give them a choice. For a while, I scoffed at that, remembering that Jellal flat-out told them that he wasn’t taking them back to jail, and I never saw any implications that he was going to kill them should they refuse. But then I looked at things through their eyes, and realized that they probably didn’t feel the same way. They saw a guy who was powerful enough to have destroyed them by himself and who admitted to being sent by the person most likely to want them locked up again. In their eyes, they probably didn’t have as many options. The anime expanded the scene further, showing their decision to follow him and officially become “good”, but it didn’t happen in the manga, so it’s really up to the viewer whether to count it as canon (to the best of my knowledge, it isn’t official, but I don’t know what Mashima-sensei thinks about it).

Another problem people have with Jellal is everything being blamed on Ultear, which... honestly? Yeah, that bothers me too. Because it’s not about Jellal or Ultear - it’s about taking the blame from Zeref so that he can be a tragic villain (something that is very hard for me to accept at this point). First, we’re told that Jellal is being possessed by Zeref, who is - as far as we knew then - this mysterious evil wizard who was responsible for a lot of shit but was thankfully now dead. Okay, that works. But then it’s revealed to have been Ultear all along (in the manga, this is revealed almost immediately, complete with a bubble bath scene, but it takes longer in the anime). The problem here is that that makes no goddamn sense. It feels like an asspull, even in the manga, as if Mashima-sensei had finally developed Zeref enough to genuinely get attached to him as a character (which writers do), only to decide that Zeref should be sympathetic.

First off, since when can Ultear brainwash people? Her magics are Arc of Time and Ice-Make. She uses the brainwashing thing once, and never again after that, despite the fact that it would’ve been really fucking useful.

Second, if Jellal wasn’t being possessed, where the hell did he get all that magical power? It’s not implied that he’s always just had a bunch of magic - he doesn’t use it until after going off the deep end. If he was possessed by a super powerful evil wizard, then yeah, it makes sense that he’d have a lot of power, but Ultear wasn’t supplying him. So, where’d it come from? And regardless of who was controlling him, why the hell did they allow him to let Erza get away?

Third, how the hell is he still alive? In the manga, it was stated that he was atomized by the destruction of the Tower. Atomized. As in, reduced to atoms. But come Oración Seis arc, and he’s... totally fine. Well, he does have memory loss, leading to:

Four, what’s up with his brain? He can’t remember anything except Erza’s first name and, somehow, the location of Nirvana. Oh, and he remembers how to use his magic. Somehow. Putting aside that that’s not how memory loss works, that’s still a lot of disbelief we’ve gotta suspend. For that matter, how the hell did Brain find him? What, he was just in the right place at the right time? Really?

Five, wasn’t Brain the one who taught him magic? And wasn’t Brain also the one responsible for Ultear’s life being a dumpster fire? In that case, why the fuck would she work with him? For the sake of the Alliance, which was apparently a non-aggression pact (that is also bullshit, but it’s irrelevant for the moment)? Doubtful.

Lastly, why was Ultear even in the Tower at all? Did Hades send her? Why? Did he genuinely believe that a little girl would skip through a Tower of terrified slaves and people being tortured (you know, like she was), and not think to herself “gee, this is kinda messed up. Maybe I shouldn’t be working for this guy.”? Did he actually think that? And even if he did, wasn’t Hades supposed to be extremely smart? He shouldn’t have even taken the risk.

So yeah, there are a lot of plot holes. It’s a shounen, so that’s to be expected, but here’s what really gets me: All of this, everything you’ve read so far, could easily have been avoided. How, you ask? Well, this is where the Tartaros arc comes into the equation.

Jellal is insanely strong, can apparently survive getting atomized, doesn’t seem to fully understand other people’s point of view on things, and has a strange obsession with Zeref (who, by the way, has done nothing to any of the members of Crime Sorcìere. Nothing). Sound familiar?

Yeah, the Etherious demons. Literally all of the above problems can be solved by making Jellal a demon. You still feel like someone should’ve been controlling his actions during his streak of villainy? FINE. Seilah exists. Problem solved. If she can use Macro on herself, she can use it on other demons. Mirajane’s immunity can be explained due to the variety of her abilities. Easy.

So, how does this work? Let’s say that Jellal is the result of an attempt to create a humanoid demon that can act as a spy or something. Only he doesn’t understand why he should be looking down on humans. So Mard Geer decides to “help” him think that all humans are shit by sending him to the Tower and sealing his powers, hoping that he’ll develop some sort of deep-seated loathing of humanity. Only instead he makes friends and decides to try and liberate them. Obviously, since the Tower is under Grimoire Heart’s control, this isn’t good for the Alliance, so Seilah heads over to make sure Jellal is unsuccessful. She decides to allow Erza to get away in order to use her as a scapegoat and keep everyone in line.

Flash-forward to Jellal getting blown up in the Tower. He’s destroyed, and reforms in the Cube. Like Tempester, he doesn’t have his memories. Part of the Balam Alliance involves the three major guilds to try to do at least one Nice Bad Guy Thing™ per year, so Tartaros gets Crawford Seam to implant some knowledge about Nirvana into Jellal’s head and they hand him over to Brain (he can still be in a coma if you wanna see him in chains so badly). Jellal wakes up, has no idea what the hap is fuckening, and does what he does in canon (only without remembering Erza - he just figures that the people not trying to take over the world are probably the good guys). Anyway, he helps Natsu fight Zero, gets arrested, and leaves to be probably executed.

Only his memories start returning, and he realizes “oh shit, Tartaros is full of demons, I’m one of them, the humans are fucked”. So he basically decides to try and help the humans by providing them with what little he remembers. Ultear and Merudy break him out, and Crime Sorcìere becomes a kinda task force (as in, the Council is pretending to be actively hunting them, but isn’t because 1. they’re really good at taking out Dark Guilds, and 2. Jellal keeps sending them extremely helpful info).

Hell, this even fixes the beach scene. Jellal has the majority of his memories back, knows he’s a demon, and feels like he needs to tell Erza, because he’s not sure if he’s capable of loving her (literally). But he panics, says the “I have a fiancée” line, and doesn’t end up telling her. The scene where Ultear and Merudy tease him about his shitty lying is replaced with them scolding him and saying that of course he can love and Erza doesn’t care what he is.

Anyway, Jellal’s struggle changes from him trying to forgive himself for crimes the series is intent on reminding us “weren’t his fault” (yet also fails to explain exactly why they weren’t his fault) to him trying to come to terms with his identity as a demon.

This also gives him a reason to go after Zeref. The Etherious, with the exception of Mard Geer, are hardwired to believe that they need to reunite with Zeref. Jellal wants to prove - to himself and everyone else - that he’s more than his origins and decides to kill Zeref (ironically becoming one of the only demons doing what he was supposed to be doing in the process), despite knowing that he will die if Zeref does.

Now, let’s get back to the Jellal vs. the Oración Seis fight. Jellal is a character who wants to be a good person, but shouldn’t he understand that the Seis might not see things the way he does? Well, no, actually. Most demons don’t seem to have any empathy at all - even Natsu has difficulty seeing things from other people’s point of view.

Speaking of Natsu, Jellal’s whole “kill Zeref” plan becomes a bit of a problem once he realizes that Natsu is also a demon, and will thus also die if Zeref does. Jellal has, over the course of the series, demonstrated little to no regard for his own well being, but it’s doubtful that he’d be okay with Natsu dying.

One other complaint people have is that Jellal is often thrown into the plot when there’s no reason for him to be there. But if he’s a demon, his presence can become foreshadowing for Natsu’s identity. Instead of having his character randomly show up to have a moment with Erza, the series could instead show what he was doing compared to what Natsu was doing, highlighting their similarities. And then, once Natsu learns the truth, Jellal can be the one who says “yeah, well, welcome to the club”, giving him an actual reason for showing up so much.

And that’s still not everything. This also provides a solution to the rest of the cast learning about the demons in the first place. In canon, Doranbolt finds out from Cobra - who, when you think about it, really shouldn’t have known about that. It’s highly unlikely that the Dark Guilds had meetings (again, the whole “it was a non-aggression pact” thing), and Brain was good enough at shielding his thoughts that Cobra didn’t know his “father’s” true opinion of him until Brain literally back-stabbed him.

Is that it? Nope. Jellal’s relationship with Merudy and Ultear becomes a lot more meaningful too. Instead of being “oh yeah, they’re friends now, yay”, it becomes Jellal accepting them in spite of the crimes they (willingly) committed, and them accepting him in spite of him being a demon. Hence why he knows that Fairy Tail won’t abandon Natsu - because true friends will be there for you, even if you are literally a monster.

On top of all that, there’s Jellal’s strength. Several people have said that he shouldn’t have been able to defeat the Seis, given that Midnight beat him so badly the first time they fought (to be fair, he’d just woken up from a coma and spent a lot of magic on a suicide attempt). But the Etherious are powered by negative emotions like anger and hate (hence why Natsu can solve most of his problems by getting pissed off at them), so Jellal could’ve just been powering up off how much he hates himself and/or Zeref.

To sum it all up, some of the biggest problems with Fairy Tail could’ve been resolved by making Jellal into a demon. And that says a lot about this series, to be perfectly fucking honest.

#fairy tail #ft spoilers #fairy tail rant #ft rant #jellal fernandes #jellal rant #tartaros #tartaros arc #UGH THIS TOOK FOREVER #ek3 complains

[the-entire-population-of-earth]

Amran's NS journey

Basic Military Training (BMT)

Bmt was fucking rushed. Everyone does not know what activities there are gonna be for each day up until the last minute due to the higher upper's uncertainty. But hey at least me and my bunkmates were the most bonded as fuck than the rest due to us always making fun of the commanders and other bunkmates. I was in a leadership batch but one way or another i didnt get to be a commander. Too bad we all split up from each other.

Unit life

1st Battalion Guards

I was posted to 1st battalion singapore guards as a storeman for hq company. I was helping with signal sets. Before guardsman troopers came in, it was a breeze. It was just doing our own branch work and report to the different timings and duties and its all good life. Not as good life though as there is this one specific person who is so fucked up due to his laziness. As a storeman, it was damn easy as it was just using a little labor and then the job is done. Everything was quite certain and routined until the troopers came.

Troopers

When the troopers came, i was involved in a major event. I didn't know how chaotic was the first day but when the days passed, it was chaotic as fuck. They were fucking jealous as hq company had a lot of welfare and the troopers would pinpoint little things such as hq not marching and having more time for ourselves. In my opinion, most of the hq personnels are not combatants so whats the point of us doing what they are doing. But then things settled down as the higher uppers try to ease the tension and shit.

Guards vocation training (GVT)

Gvt was the most fun i had in my ns life. I literally enjoyed every part of it even tho i only participated in the high keys. The high keys were only 10km fast march, 2km swimming and heli rappelling. Fast marches were my toughest one because i cant run for shit. Then came the incident but nevertheless i finished all of it in time for the final fieldcamp and right of passage (ROP). Then came the parade which was satisfying as fuck.

Laundry ic

Since the previous laundry ic had ORD, i had to step up to be the laundry ic. Being the battalion laundry ic made me realise how bad the troopers are being treated and how i was introduced to people that were out of course from being a trooper. By this time, i was considered "lao jiao", old caged bird, who knows the system well and we all knew that the company sergeant major (CSM) cannot fix the duty roster and will always tell us that we last minute have to do duties. Since i am just a storeman, and i don't receive combat pay, why should i have a need to do guard duty whereas there were like around 400+ troopers to do it. It was not as if they have other duties. But as a storeman in hq company, we have like 3 different types of duties; duty clerk, duty storeman and guard duty. Duty clerk is just manning the phone to which we must answer to cater to the caller's needs. Duty storeman is just to open up and close the branch at timings and also make sure all the store keys are accounted for. Guard duty involves to either prowl around the camp or to station at the gate to ensure security for the camp. In my opinion, guard duty isnt needed for a storeman because most of the time we dont handle weapon and we already have 2 other duties. On top of that, as storeman is a combat support service (CSS), we have other responsibilities from handling our stores to issuing items thus the need for guard duty is pointless as it really can clash with our other responsibilities. In my case, it did clash a lot of time due to poor planning for duties from CSM.

Ex lancer (Brunei)

Brunei was chill as fuck, being a laundry ic for just hq company because they have their own laundry department there. As there was not a lot of hq personnel that went outfield, i didn't do much. Out of the 2 weeks there, i only did around less than 10 hours worth of work and then spent the rest of the time catching up on my shows. But the food there was the start of my weight gain because it was really good.

Post brunei

Post brunei was the worst and hectic month because there was audit and then a month after that would be exercise wallaby. Higher uppers hold our bookout times till late afternoon and tasked with bullshit last minute works which they could have done in the time we were in brunei. Then a fucked up person came back and corrupted one specific race of hq. Before Australia, i had only 2 days to pack and attend to my personal commitments with my family and friends.

Ex wallaby ( Australia)

During the flight to Australia, i was in full denial as i didnt have enough time to fulfill my commitments. Australia was fucked up from the day after we landed. There were non stop taskings after taskings due to there were no resources/stores on Australia. We had to unpack and issue out the items while the troopers spent their time resting due to the recent death which lead to safety timeout. We had to load up a lot of the stores to the forklift and then go to the places that are around 1km from each other just because the containers for the stores are far from the issuing point. All of my time was in full denial and might have dragged my branch down but i tried my hard not to. On top of issuing stores and settling accomodations, we also had to take part in operations. The battalion expects us to do all this even though we don't receive enough pay to do all this. There were no such thing as weekend and logistics need to be settled. We actually did overtimed more than usual.

But rest and relax there was good enough for 2 days and 1 night. The motel was ok as i shared with my branch mate and one random guy. I went to a bar for the first time in my life to meet up with my superiors. We talk cocked and did stupid shits to unwind ourselves from the fucking busy exercise.

Post Australia

I was so lazy by that time that i dont even care about shit that i used to care. I even envy all of my friends who are not from the army and are able to see their family by the end of the day everyday. This unit had already thin out all my patience. Other than my opinion, the taskings that im doing are easy and can be done and also our CSM fucked up duties again with fucking last minute duties.

Pre pre ORD

Pre pre ord was the most toxic time as the schedules planned are all so rushed and the CO doesnt even trust the troopers to do a good job hence "more training". With more training comes more store items being issued out, meaning i have to carefully issue the different items. I have changed my jobscope from a laundry IC to a comms store assistant. Its an easy job but everyday they keep asking and exchanging items will make our side of the system to not tally up as i lost track of what is being issued/serviced. Whats more worse is that my QM started playing with off privileges just so we could settle the system. On top of that, the servicing uncles also scolded due to "our poor" paperwork. Honestly at this point in time i wish i wasnt so hardworking so that i set their expectations of me so low. All of these problems arose due to our lack of a regular IC or a regular sergeant. Since we took our past IC for granted, meaning we would always ask him what things there are going to be, like a man behaviour than a commander, we had a lot of things we needed to figure out such as paperworks and who have the rights to the system and who is in charge of us and shit. There was a period of time we dont even know what jobs there are until the last minute we had to do a lot. This uncertainty period really fucked me up because my RQ would always scold me. That's not an issue however but one day I might blow up due to a lot of pressure and thaty really takes a lot of my patience. It was these period that the contractor really blacklisted my unit for poor paperwork but all i can think of is that i most probably wont be working with them in the future Luckily everything finished around later May and then it was a long 1 week break for Hari Raya.

Pre ORD

After hari raya, i had a little shock cause it was a bit of a cooldown period as i was going to almost ord in about less than 2 months. The 2nd month was quite a chill period as i already have 2 understudies with me and rq already told me to slowly hand over to them. But boy, i had the shock of my life during the last month as my QM started saying shit like i never handed over properly to them as they still had a lot of errors. I am here trying my best to teach them but they had a fucking high expectations for me to make sure they will be like me. Thus i tried to ask for offs here and they to "let me go" and they said no. All my other colleagues who were gonna ord near me had already left and im here still stuck. And on top of that literally 2 weeks before ORD, QM gave me 3 extra duties just because of a minor mistake. What a nice way to squeeze out a person. The extra came and it fell on my birthday which makes being 23 damn depressing.

Ord

To be honest, my life in the army was just not fair and fucking unreasonable due to the superior's lack of brains. They think they are doing the right thing and will just shrug off our opinions and commitments. The way they treat people like me is as if they are the only ones that matter. Even though we did try to raise the different problems we faced, they just say something around the lines of standardisation or "suck thumb". And not just that, even if we are given the things we wanted, there are sure people to take advantage of it but all of us must suffer together even though we are not with them. To be honest, collective punishment isn't the way to go in hq because there is a lot of factors needed to be considered. I am just so glad that i got out of the toxicity and continue on to my civilian life. Again.

[survivorbahamas]

EPISODE SIX: "I'LL SEND HIM IF IT ALLOWS ME TO GET ONE STEP CLOSER TO TAKING THE CROWN." - ZACH

So if you haven't heard it from me enough yet, THAT 📣 TWIST 📣 IS 📣 BULLSHIT! With that being said, I may as well continue. DANA 📣 DOES NOT 📣 DESERVE 📣 TO COME BACK. Not enough yet? DON'T 📣 TALK 📣 SHIT 📣 ABOUT 📣 JULIA RAE. Anyways! I'm still here. Still got no votes cast against me. The best I can do at this point is pull a Sugar and make it to the end with no votes, then receive none in the final. Fine. I'll do it. But first, let's fuck up everyone else's game in the process. I'm going to come back and pretend like I'm this poor, shit-for-brains Jaiden. Maybe that is who I am, but I'm still going to make sure there is no blood left unspilled. I don't care how it happens, but I'm out for revenge. Even if I go home next, I'm going to try and destroy everything in my path. No more mister Nice Jaiden, I want to finally fuck shit up the way it was intended to be. I'm not winning anyways, so why not go out in style? Watch your backs, castaways.

idk whats happening but i slept through the revote and adrian got voted out which  im upset about. he was a number on my side and idk i liked him as a person. on another note, dana is back and i dont know how i feel about it. shes obviously close with everyone and i dont think shes going to be voted out anytime soon but i just need to make sure im on her good side. BUT the good thing about nicholas and zach flipping on adrian/jaiden and not me is that jaiden is mad at THEM and thinks i had nothing to do with it (which is true) MEANING, hes going to do whatever he can to throw them under the bus and not me. i need to start picking up my social game and start becoming friends with everyone and i need to be more active and seem non threatening. right now i think kai and willa like me which is good, so i just need to keep talking to them and i think they wont vote me out until later in the game. obviously zach and nicholas are my best friends but i dont trust nicholas one bit. ive played other games with him and he fucks me over in every single one of them so this time, im going to get the last word. the first chance i get, when i think its a good time, im going to flip on nicholas to get him out. its what she deserves. i brought this idea up to zach and i dont know if he'd be down for it but nicholas just flipped on my closest ally in another game (we were considered a trio in that game too) so im going to say to zach that hes going to be in the same position and that my closest ally was and that we need to flip on him. i think it would be really smart to plant seeds in jaiden's head and have him go after nicholas for us. i think jaiden trusts me a lot and wouldnt go after me so i need to use him to my advantage. i want to make an alliance with zach, willa, and kai because i think willa and kai are kindaish on the outside and don't really have that many loyalties so it would be easy to bring them in. phew idk what im talking about mostly bc i still barely know how survivor works but im going to start to pick up my game and now im going to play to win. i really think i can if i play my cards right. so im sorry if none of this makes sense and its just me rambling but i thot id make a dr about my thoughts sooo hopefully my ass can win immunity this week!

DANA TOLD ME SO MUCH. AND ALSO ------ DANA IS BACK. So BRIAN wants to take me out eventually. In-ter-est-ing. I'm gonna fuck that Brian bloke into the pavement and he wont even know what happened. Metaphorical fucking of course. I'd never have sex with someone who likes the same music as me, that sounds dangerous. I want a final 3 involving Kai + Willa or Gage, but I'm also trying to make a Zachary Julia Me final three happen. I can those 5 fairly easily. The others? not so much. I'm not gonna be voting Dana out, but I'm scared of going to the end with her. Brian seems like a juror who will vote objectively. I'm not, but it's a good thing that he's gonna try to be objective in looking at how hard i blindside his ass out of here. But for now we've gotta take it slow. You can't be dumb. Gotta be smart. I need to vote out Jaiden first. Jaiden is a hazard to everyone, and he's a difficult human being to deal with. Why would I leave Jaiden in the game? ZACHARY IS TELLING ME THAT MY JURY MANAGMENT IS GREAT. I literally tell him that he's going to vote for me from the jury, and we argue about that shit. Now im trying to work with him and he's like "you're playing me arent you? well ill vote for you." like what. I love this

[2017-06-11, 12:02:47 AM] zachary rae: So [2017-06-11, 12:02:53 AM] zachary rae: I am spilling like everything to Bodhi [2017-06-11, 12:02:58 AM] zachary rae: I did something stupid but helpful [2017-06-11, 12:03:18 AM] zachary rae: whic hwas that I told him if he keeps me, because he’s the only one that talks to me, i’ll vote for him at the end and its good to have people like friends on jury [2017-06-11, 12:03:23 AM] zachary rae: but that also implies that i’m willing to be his lapdog [2017-06-11, 12:03:43 AM] zachary rae: but literally im going to be heartless later on and my bitch ass, i promise you, will be cutthroat and ill send him if it allows me to get one spot closer to taking the crown

A QUICK SUMMARY OF DANA's RETURN 28 After the day of rest—a holy day, as the sun rose Sunday morning, Mary from Magdala and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. 2 Suddenly, there was a powerful IDOL. BRIAN had come down from heaven, rolled the stone away, and was sitting on it. 3 He was as bright as lightning, and his clothes were as white as snow. 4 The guards were so deathly afraid of him that they shook. 5 BRIAN said to the women, “Don’t be afraid! I know you’re looking for DANA, who was crucified. 6 SHe’s not here. SHe has been brought back to life as he said. Come, see the place where She was lying. 7 Then go quickly, and tell hER disciples that She has been brought back to life. SHe’s going ahead of them into Galilee. There they will see her. Take note that I have told you.” 8 They hurried away from the tomb with fear and great joy and ran to tell his disciples. 9 Suddenly, DANA met them and greeted them. They went up to her, bowed down to worship her, and took hold of her feet. 10 Then DANA said to them, “Don’t be afraid! Go, tell my followers to go to Galilee. There they will see me.”

So its been difficult playing two games at once but somehow i managed to win INDIVIDUAL IMMUNITY OMG. I've never won before so I was probably way too excited but idk. sooooo. I'm really proud of myself but really see myself as a huge threat now. I'm playing a great social game where I'm friends with most people. I have a large alliance where I trust most of them very strongly. I'm winning challenges and helping my tribe succeed. I feel like now I'm really gonna need an idol cause I think people are gonna want me gone. I'm gonna try to play up how I don't know what I'm doing and strategy is confusing but I doubt people will buy that. But gotta do my best to not seem like the biggest threat after we target people outside of the alliance. I still think its a little risky keeping zach, julia, and nicholas but honestly I'm friends with all of them for the most part or they respect me so maybe if they do come together against us they would want to do it with me. I like knowing the gossip even tho most of the time I'm the last to know the gossip. IT'S WEIRD BEING SAFE. Like wait. You are telling me I won't go home? "Correct" Wait so like if someone plays an idol? "It won't affect you" BUT, what about rocks???? "You won't be in them" OMG THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE #IFeelLikeAPrincess #AllHailtheQueen I feel like I'm gonna get myself blindsided pretty soon but hopefully Kai has my back and will let me know if anything crazy happens.  

OK SO IT's TIME FOR BIG MOVEZ TALK WITH YOUR RESIDENT HATER OF BIG MOVEZ Hi there. My name is Bodhi. I am 17 years old, and I hate big moves. I'm almost certain that if I wanted to, I could float to the end and win in this game. We would just need to pick off Zach, Julia, and Jaiden, then our alliance would cannibalize Brian, Dana, Lily, Willa, Nicholas. I'd make it to the end, and I'd beat Gage and Kai. That's an easy path for me to take. Big Movez are the devil, why would I ever make them? Well the answer here is simple. It's fun. Dumb big moves are the worst, but smart big movez? now this is something new. I want JURY VOTES, and Zach, Julia, and Jaiden would all be good votes to have at the end. Jaiden is not going to be a part of the plan to move forward though. I can't stand working with him. One thing that I have going for me is that I have been blunt with Jaiden. He knows that I'm voting him out tonight. That is big. The amount of honesty I have given him might lead to his respect down the line. But he thinks I'm bullying him by being honest. Whatever, if he doesn't want to give me his jury vote, that's fine, but I'd like it. I'll need to make Big Movez to suck Jaiden's dick and get a vote from him. I'm not scared to do it. Well I'm a little scared. Jaiden must go home tonight. Getting rid of Jaiden is not a big move. We aren't shaking up the game by getting rid of Jaiden. It's  just some basic janitorial shit, nothing extreme. Jaiden is not worth blindsiding, because he'll like that. He lives for big movez, so I refuse to give him one. After this, the plan is to get a vote split between Zach + Julia. This is not in order to get out either of them. Rather, it is to get out someone in the majority. I was thinking Lily at first, but now she seems to be more hesitant about trusting Brian. So I am considering trusting her. Gage and I are going to flip and make the vote 4-3-3. BIG MOVE Next on the menu is Willa or Nicholas. I don't quite care which, but I think that Willa might be a better call to do first because he's got the idol. Then we're at final 8. Dana, Kai, Gage, Willa or Nicholas, Lily or Brian, Zach, Julia, and myself. I'm closely alligned with Zach, Gage, Julia, Dana, and Kai, and in the time leading up to this I can get even closer with the others. I think I've got enough clear paths to the end that I can make some stupid #BIGMOVEZ and still win. I've got a deal with Dana to go to the end no matter what. I also have a deal with Kai to probably go to the end. I've got potential for a deal with Zach + Julia and go to the end with them. I think if I go with these BIG MOVEZ I might actually appease the juries sentiment of "rewarding objectively better gameplay" and win because of my jury management while they think that it's because of my strategic prowess. If you think that me winning this game along this path is because of strategic prowess, you're wrong. Any strategy that i put into place is solely to get jury votes. It is part of my social game more than anything else. I'd be getting to the end if I didn't make these moves, I'm only doing it so the jury feels like I'm strategically good.

[2:52:56 PM] jaiden: so what r u thinking of doing [2:53:00 PM] jaiden: I KNOW U HAVE IDEAS [2:53:06 PM] jaiden: I'm not gonna rat you out [2:53:16 PM] Bo dhi: what am I thinking of doing? [2:53:21 PM] Bo dhi: well I'm not sure you're gonna like it [2:53:21 PM] jaiden: for tribal [2:53:30 PM] jaiden: I mean as long as it ain't me??? [2:53:32 PM] Bo dhi: my plan is to vote you out tonight if that's alright with you [2:53:41 PM] jaiden: (dull) [2:55:17 PM] jaiden: anyways I'm voting out Nicholas. [2:55:21 PM] jaiden: you can follow me if you want to [3:24:23 PM] jaiden: or not >: ( [3:33:41 PM] Bo dhi: I'm thinking [3:36:29 PM] jaiden: let me know when ur done thinking [3:54:03 PM] Bo dhi: I'm not done thinking but I'm thinking [3:54:39 PM] jaiden: what,,, [3:54:42 PM] jaiden: that doesn't make sense [3:54:54 PM] Bo dhi: think think think [3:55:44 PM] jaiden: alright well I'm gonna go take a shower [3:55:52 PM] Bo dhi: good luck!! [3:55:58 PM] Bo dhi: I hope you have a clean one [3:56:07 PM] jaiden: just pls don't vote me out bodhi. [6:00:10 PM] jaiden: Big mother eggplant I have an idea. [6:00:23 PM] Bo dhi: what is your idea little son eggplant [6:02:32 PM] jaiden: We should vote out Nicholas :) [6:02:41 PM] jaiden: Because zach and Julia hate him and are willing to do it this time [6:03:33 PM] Bo dhi: "anyways I'm voting out Nicholas. you can follow me if you want to" you already brought this up [6:04:04 PM] jaiden: BUT NOW IM SERIOUS ABOUT IT [6:04:10 PM] jaiden: like I was joking then and now I mean it [6:04:12 PM] jaiden: We have the votes [6:04:17 PM] jaiden: Kai will literally do it if you do it [6:04:25 PM] jaiden: we just can't.....tell anyone [6:04:40 PM] Bo dhi: oh it was a joke before? didn't really seem like one [6:05:00 PM] jaiden: Yeah?? I wouldn't just be like "vote him out w me" [6:05:16 PM] jaiden: Bodhi I'm being serious [6:05:16 PM] jaiden: pls [6:05:22 PM] Bo dhi: {quoting earlier in the conversation} > [3:24:23 PM] jaiden: or not >: ( > [3:33:41 PM] Bo dhi: I'm thinking > [3:36:29 PM] jaiden: let me know when ur done thinking > [3:54:03 PM] Bo dhi: I'm not done thinking but I'm thinking > [3:54:39 PM] jaiden: what,,, > [3:54:42 PM] jaiden: that doesn't make sense > [3:54:54 PM] Bo dhi: think think think > [3:55:44 PM] jaiden: alright well I'm gonna go take a shower > [3:55:52 PM] Bo dhi: good luck!! > [3:55:58 PM] Bo dhi: I hope you have a clean one > [3:56:07 PM] jaiden: just pls don't vote me out bodhi. [6:05:59 PM] jaiden: WELL!!!! [6:06:02 PM] jaiden: CAN WE JUST DO IT [6:06:07 PM] Bo dhi: no thanks

Jaiden spent about 20 minutes being a complete asshole to me and then eventually gave up and talked to a ton of people about me behind my back. I honestly am disgusted. He thinks I owe him something, which is bullshit. I don't like him one bit. He might be the person that I've respected least from any game I've ever played.

[9:48 PM] nicholas: <<< On 6/11/17, at 9:43 PM, Logan (he/him) wrote: > Jaiden. I owe you nothing. But I think you owe everyone in this game an apology. For some reason, when you do something cruel, it's a game. But when anyone does anything targeting you? Suddenly they're a piece of shit! I'm thrilled to be writing down your name. whoever wrote this is winning bahamas btw THIS IS MY VOTING CONFESSIONAL. NICHOLAS BETTER KEEP THIS PROMISE

I'm using being castrated by Jaiden and feeling guilty to make people KNOW that I'm not a robot. I want to be loved.

She’s back? Listen I'm not going to pretend to understand what the FUCK this twisted game has in store, but somehow I moseyed my way back from the depths of Ponderosa paradise back into this hellish game. At this point I’ve been back for two days and I have SO MUCH to say. Why am I so irresponsible about confessionals? Well, I tried to write one Friday night… but we’ll get to why that failed. Also because I’m writing this retrospectively right after Jaiden’s vote out, some of what I write was irrelevant in the progression of the game and some is foreshadowing for what ended up happening at the Jaiden vote tonight… just stay with me because too much significant stuff happened to not write this altogether. For the sake of anyone who feels compelled to read this, I’m going to organize it the best I can, starting with my thoughts on being brought back. I.        Being brought back into the game. First, I'd like to thank Brian and his trashy idol for this opportunity. a. Notable reactions and my responses Brian: Immediately wants to talk to me about the game, and is saying that he “brought me back into the game for a reason, because he wanted to work with me. We skyped for THREE HOURS on Friday night, the content of which I’ll get to later in this confessional. Here's the thing, it would be REALLY easy for both Brian and other players in this game to think that Brian bringing me back means that he and I are working together or that I owe Brian... haha NO! That’s not how this is working necessarily. Jaiden: FREAKED out when I was brought back… and at first I thought it was my fault, but then we talked and apparently he’s not really mad at me, just the existence of the idol. And sure, maybe I should have figured that, but his reaction certainly left some questions. Here’s what Jaiden eventually had to say about me coming back after I, stupidly, apologized to him for coming back because I felt guilty (lame, I know) that the impact of his big game move was trumped. On 6/10/17, at 3:53 AM, jaiden wrote: > I just want you to know that my entire reaction to what went down today had nothing to do with you coming back.The idol is in concept extremely unfair, but the way it was executed tonight wasn't and I'm honestly not that mad you're back. I don't have an issue with you, and while I really hope that like, through all of this ugliness and craziness we can literally salvage ANY sort of working relationship, I know it's not going to happen, at least not on your end :/ I know you're a smart girl and very strategic but I honestly doubt that the move I even made anymore was an intelligent one so I don't see how you could justify it either. I'm sorry for getting extremely ugly in the tribe chat over what could've been seen as this whole idol thing taking place, but truly I am just frustrated about every event that went down tonight. What did I get from it? That Jaiden thinks I’m smart and tbh that’s more than enough for me. Honestly if he kept stroking my ego like that, I probably would have even considered working with him. Everyone else’s reactions to me coming back: Too nice honestly. People were THRILLED to see me back and I don’t want this to translate to “does this mean it was actually good for her to go?” Like on a personal note, I was pleased that people were so happy to see me. On a gameplay level, I was like pls can someone other than Jaiden pretend they hate me in this chat so people will think i'm less universally liked (whew that sounds INCREDIBLY cocky, though perhaps not inaccurate within the context of this game ONLY). Just be more casual people. b. Is it fair within the context of this game to bring me back? Listen, I’m definitely NOT an objective judge on that front. Am I happy the advantage exists? Absolutely. Do I see how it can be perceived as unfair? YES. But the way the idol was played within this game didn’t really make things as unfair as it could have if it was played at a later stage, as in it didn’t change much other than shift numbers. It brought back a player who nobody voted out except for one person, who is conveniently the one who is most agitated that the idol exists. Adrian is now first juror instead of me, which would have been the case if Jaiden hadn’t ALSO played a crazy idol like Brian, one that ALSO only exists within the online survivor universe. Moreover, I’m not really even back in the game on my own accord, it was all Brian’s idol, though I benefit from it. So all I can do at this point is keep playing my best game. c. How does being brought back in with this idol change my gameplay? In a way, I kind of feel like a free agent now. Of course, I still have relationships from before. I was re-added to the Bahamian Rhapsody alliance, but the pressure to work with certain people feels significantly lower than it did before I was eliminated the first time. I Coming back also forces me to acknowledge that I am a threat. I’ve already been voted out because I was perceived as a threat, and now I have to work hard to explain why I’m not. I won’t be successful convincing people that I’m not a social threat, I know that. So here is my plan about how to use this idol play to my advantage: 1)        Explain that being brought back in via this whack idol effectively means I CANNOT win. I was voted out once, and that is supposed to mean you can’t win. How could a juror POSSIBLY reconcile my vote out with then naming me the winner? I’ll tell people I’m going to have a much harder time convincing jurors that I would be a legitimate winner, thus making me a good pick to string along in the game. The thing is… this is probably true… It is harder for me to win. Except I’m confident that I’m smart enough to work my way around this and explain how my vote out can be discounted by the actual jury. Thus, I don’t mind floating this idea out there if needed for consideration in hopes of making it further along in this game. To be fair, Bodhi told me he doesn’t think I could win because of my vote out and Jaiden also told Bodhi the same (whether or not Jaiden actually believes this… debatable). 2)        I’m social, but not a game player. I started playing this strategy with Jaiden yesterday. On 6/11/17, at 4:48 AM, Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host) wrote: > My problem in this game, and I think my relationship with bodhi represents this, is that i'm friendly with people but nobody is really playing the game with me. I don't receive a lot of detail ever. Now of course, this is absolutely unrepresentative of my relationship with Bodhi, but I think it is a good (and perhaps not untrue) strategy to employ. II.        What I’m hearing about the game From Brian: We skype Friday night after I’m brought back… FOR A LONG ASS TIME. Was it a productive call? Idk maybe, I definitely learned some things that I’ll mention. Right before we got on call, I was writing a confessional about how Brian bringing me back changed nothing about any allegiance I had to him in this game (which was about zero when I was voted out) and then we call and I start to feel differently. It’s not that the idol produced that though, us talking did. I was still trying to regain my footing in the game and Brian was asking me to make a lot of decisions, which is a position I hadn’t been in before. I was there, he could see me over skype, and I had to think on the spot and speak. He was asking who I want to be in final 5 with and what I think about Willa or Lily making it far—amongst other things. Like SO many questions pls. He tells me that Willa has half of the super idol (the other half of which I still have, yet tell Brian I don’t). This was important information, whether or not it is true, and I can hopefully use it to try to manipulate the super idol advantage or cast doubt within Willa and Brian’s relationship. Brian also sends me an idol spreadsheet that supposedly only him and Kai have access to and are editing (though that myth is shattered quickly when Bodhi tells me he also has it and is contributing). Brian proposes a F3 with me, himself, and Kai (who I’ve still NEVER) spoken to. But he seems to understand that I have to get to know Kai better before committing, but I pretend I’m SO interested. He talks about the big votes being at f5 and f7, where we get out Willa and Lily, because they are threatening as organizers of alliances and social players respectively. As for his plans for other votes, apparently Brian wants to do Nicholas ASAP and obviously Jaiden, but who doesn’t want to vote Jaiden at this point. During the call we’re both talking to Jaiden, and effectively he is telling Brian his plan was always to get me out (on the vote he sapphire idoled me out on) and me that he only idoled me out because he couldn’t gather the votes to vote Brian out. This was the first sign of the extreme havoc Jaiden create within the next 30 hrs. Brian also, ironically, starts telling me that it’s so great that we can talk about the game and he can trust me to say nothing, whereas he couldn’t do the same with people like Bodhi. Brian has started trying to cast a lot of doubt about Bodhi, suggesting that he certainly can’t go far in the game. As Brian is telling me this, I of course know I’m going to tell Bodhi everything that is happening in the morning. Lowkey I have kind of a bad memory though. I wanted to take notes so I could remember everything to tell Bodhi, but that would have been way too obvious, but I manage to tell him most of the important things on our call the next morning. What did I learn from skyping with Brian? Perhaps don’t totally count Brian out as somebody to work with, even though today he came to me about Bodhi being sketchy when he got exiled which I CAN’T have people thinking or talking about. Most significantly I learned that LYING OVER VIDEO CALL IS HARD. Looking into Brian’s eyes over the screen at 5am and pretending to be sad over an immunity idol that I “lost” before I was brought back into the game was HARD… and I’m not a great liar. From Bodhi: Umm… A LOT. But here’s what matters. I don’t think I’ve talked about this in a conf yet, and if I did whatever. Before I got voted out the first time, Bodhi and I supposedly set aside the game for a second to talk about our alliance. [6/7/17, 12:57:22 PM] Bo dhi: So I just want to think out what exactly our alliance is. I just want to know what you want to do alliance wise. [6/7/17, 12:59:48 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): No you’re right, that’s smart because I don’t want something to go down and then us not be friends any more [6/7/17, 1:01:47 PM] Bo dhi: Imo, the two options are either A) we say it's just a game and that we're ok with the other taking us out, or B) that we go to the end together regardless of whether we think we can beat the other [6/7/17, 1:01:57 PM] Bo dhi: I'm honestly good for either one, but I want us to be clear [6/7/17, 1:04:01 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): I agree, I would feel the same way. Honestly, even though i’ve considered what would happen if I had to do option A, I really don’t think I could do it. I don’t see a path to the end for myself, but if it happens, i’d be happy to be with you there and lose. [6/7/17, 1:09:50 PM] Bo dhi: I could do it with some people, but I don't want to vote you out. Even if we agreed "yeah it's just a game" it would hurt. There’s more… but that’s the relevant part. We agree on Option B and that changes the course of my game. Because I was being completely honest, I’ll go to the end with Bodhi and lose. Happily. But now my game is looking out for the two of us and not just myself. I tell Bodhi about my idol and like clear up everything else I’d even moderately lied about to him to solidify this trust. Since then (once i’m brought back), I’m just like 100% all honesty. But here’s the problem: I am the most paranoid girl in the world. Like I really really hope Bodhi wasn’t lying and nothing he has done would suggest that AT ALL. But I just don’t want to be in this mindset where I’m 100% sure we’re being 100% honest and then actually let myself get disappointed if he decides I’m a liability. Normally if I was thinking about something like this, I would go tell Bodhi, but um IT’S ABOUT HIM SO I CANT. I’m trying my best not to think about it though, because when he is almost inevitably being completely honest and reads this conf. he’ll probably be like “why the doubt?” and it’s like idk man it’s a game that is foundationally built on the hopes that you’ll get paranoid and maneuver based on that… how could I not consider this? ANYWAY, let’s move onto tyrannical Jaiden because I mostly just had to write this part about Bodhi so I would stop thinking about it. Confs are for venting, right? From Jaiden: He’s going to be erratic and unpredictable no matter what. A LOT OF STUFF HAPPENED WITH JAIDEN. I could honestly go on and on and I’d die trying to explain it all, but here’s the short list and then a few important things will be highlighted.  Within the past few hours before his vote out, Jaiden committed to voting Nicholas, told me he implicitly trusts Nicholas, asked me to vote Julia (which apparently Willa put in his head, which he told Bahamian Rhapsody), told Bodhi he wants Bodhi to win, and ripped Bodhi to shreds in pms with me. A TRUE MESS. Leading up to this though, let’s go back to when I was brought back into the game. Because I think Jaiden is PISSED as I mentioned, like going to metaphorically cyber murder me angry. I message Jaiden while he’s having his post-my-return-party blow up and then once I know my life is no longer in the balance, I decide we’re going to talk game. Now remember, Brian and I have already received polar opposite messages about my vote out from Jaiden. Jaiden mistakenly keeps up his pattern of lying and misleading everyone who will speak to him for no reason and doing it TO THE EXTREME. The first lie comes over discussion of who the vote should be for tonight.   [6/11/17, 4:26:36 AM] jaiden: I heard a little idea of maybe going for one particular person but I think that's changed since Brian is back, which is amazing because Brian literally never fails at coming up with a better idea. [6/11/17, 4:27:17 AM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): Who is this one particular person, just to be clear? [6/11/17, 4:28:14 AM] jaiden: not saying anything because I don't wanna screw up whatever good graces I'm in with someone else. I can assure you that it wasn't you though [6/11/17, 4:31:07 AM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): Ok well, you have to understand, that puts me in a little bit of a weird position if i want to work with you. Like you dont have to tell me who said it, but can i know who it is? [6/11/17, 4:31:54 AM] jaiden: Okay, fair. It was Nicholas. So he tells me it was Nicholas, which I’ve already heard from Brian and ASSUME Jaiden has heard from Brian, though he won’t tell me because he’s trying to serve a grammy- award- winning ~I’m trustworthy~ vibe in this conversation. VERY off brand for Jaiden. Well then I started playing hard ball with Jaiden, even though I’m 99% sure I’m voting him out, to tell me who said Nicholas’s name. Eventually after enough prying, he tells me it’s Brian who mentioned it, confirming what I already knew. [6/11/17, 4:33:00 PM] jaiden: I haven't mentioned that it was him to anyone else so if it gets back to him, I'll scream ….LITERALLY I KNOW YOU TOLD JULIA AND ZACH that it was Brian who brought up Nicholas SO YOU BETTER BE SCREAMING JAIDEN…and do you want to hear about convoluted way I found out Julia and Zach knew Brian said this initially? Because… in the midst of me being pretty stern with Jaiden, and really digging into whether he heard it was Nicholas vs. had told Zach and Julia it was Nicholas himself, Jaiden is messaging Julia. So I end up seeing this message from Julia because while Jaiden and I are talking, Bodhi is on call with Zach and Julia. Jaiden -> Julia -> Bodhi -> me. Whew was I mad once Bodhi sent me this. > [6/11/17, 4:27:06 PM] jaiden: Dana is being fucking bitchy [6/11/17, 4:27:16 PM] julia rae: what she sayijng [6/11/17, 4:27:31 PM] jaiden: I told her last night that someone brought up Nicholas going home (it was Brian) but I didn't wanna rat Brian out to her In order to cover that Bodhi and I are working together, I DON’T EVEN GET THE DELIGHT OF CALLING JAIDEN OUT FOR CALLING ME BITCHY. But, this does highlight Jaiden’s sad failure of an attempt to pretend that he and I have some closed stream of information where he’s telling me things he isn’t saying to anyone else. THEN Jaiden spins a WILD tale that I know isn’t true because Bodhi and I had talked about it HOURS earlier. According to Jaiden, Bodhi wanted to take me out of the game and was trying to gather the votes. Once Jaiden basically realizes he is going home not matter what, he LAUNCHES into this story full force, and I’ll admit, even though I know it didn’t happen as he said… he fed into my paranoia a lil. Gage was really the one behind this failed vote plan, as long as Bodhi is telling me the truth, which I believe he is because otherwise there is no reason I would have been made aware of this HOURS before Jaiden told me. [6/11/17, 6:22:13 PM] jaiden: anyways I'm going home. [6/11/17, 6:22:31 PM] jaiden: I'm signing off skype because there's literally no chance people will save me bc bodhi hates me and wants me out [6/11/17, 6:22:38 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): fuck what [6/11/17, 6:22:39 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): ok [6/11/17, 6:24:23 PM] jaiden: Bodhi was coming after you lmao. I flipped it onto Nicholas because of what Brian said. Vote me out, I'm still voting for Nicholas, and I think it's still gonna be me. But Gage told me Bodhi was really wanting to flip on you, Lily, and Brian to get further in the game but for whatever reason!!!!! He's changed his mind. Because I want Nicholas out over you????? Idfk. Anyways I'll lay down and die like Bodhi fucking wants. This is just… a lie. Because while Jaiden is trying to convince me of this, Jaiden is also trying to convince Bodhi that he even told Gage any of this in the first place. This is where the two of them start getting into a fight. But before we get there, let’s take note of what Jaiden sent to Bodhi… [6:19:00 PM] jaiden: Bodhi. I'm not going to win. I literally could go and tell Dana you wanted to flip on her but I won't because I still want to work with you, dude ….HE CAME TO ME AND TOLD ME THAT… REPEATEDLY IN FACT. So then Bodhi and Jaiden start this weird fight, where Jaiden is ranting to me about how Bodhi is a piece of shit and im just like adding nothing of value to the conversation. Finally, Jaiden claims that after he threatened to tell me Bodhi wanted me out…Bodhi wanted revenge. [6/11/17, 6:36:12 PM] jaiden: I told bodhi I could tell you that he was going to vote you out but I wouldn't [6/11/17, 6:36:22 PM] jaiden: Then he went and told Nicholas I was going for him because he's mad … except Bodhi told Nicholas this HOURS beforehand. Yet another lie from Jaiden. With all this lying, he HAD TO GO. Like it was out of hand bad honestly. To his credit, he didn’t know that Bodhi and I are going back and forth this much… but his strategy almost RELIES on nobody comparing any notes, which is too dangerous.   Honestly, I’m just thankful Jaiden is gone because whew was I actually starting to feel irl stressed by his presence. I’ve aged 100 years in the last day and it’s not a cute look. III.        Moving Forward 1)        Lily vs. Brian is going to matter in this next vote. Brian has mentioned to me that “nobody would ever vote Lily” which makes her threatening. Agreed, but If I let people starting voting out social threats right now I might as well say bye to myself round 2. Lily and I talked about Brian as a threat, a conversation the Bodhi and I have had numerous times and that Bodhi says he and Kai have had. Things like this are GREAT for me because they take a little bit of pressure off of my gameplay. Right now I’m debating on whether or not to tell Lily about Brian’s plan to send her home eventually. This could put some pressure back on me, but also it could also give me a lot of leverage over their relationship. TBD. 2)        Fix things with Gage. In spite of Jaiden’s BS, Gage did say he wanted me, Lily, and Brian out… I THINK. I told Gage before the Jaiden vote that he and I should talk game soon, and I need to make that happen today so that we can proceed. 3)        Figure out what to do with my fav Nicholas who I love very much and inevitably will not be able to keep around much longer. I feel like I would love Nicholas as an irl friend, but in this game unfortunately he’s gotta go soon. Current Skink tribe fan theory suggests that he is pretending not to give a fuck about the game so he can go far and win. And honestly? Pretty smart. Good work queen. 4)        Decide whether talking to Kai and Julia outside of tribe chat makes any sense at this point/ ever? I feel like it makes me look disingenuous if I just randomly start speaking to them after we haven’t talked basically ever. I’ve heard from a few players outside of this game that it is only worthwhile to spend time talking to the people you can actually manipulate, so maybe I’ve lost out on those relationships and should keep up the radio silence. TBD. 5)        There is a plan with Zach and Julia in the works that Bodhi is entirely manipulating on his own because I lowkey barely talk to Zach though he is also a fav. I have no reason to believe this plan will work, but also things are lining up so far and Zach/Julia have been honest with Bodhi about their voting thus far. Also important, they don’t know that this plan exists at all. This plan is V ROUGH, but basically makes it so Gage, Kai, Bodhi could flip with Julia and Zach to vote out someone in our Bahamian Rhapsody alliance soon with me joining them later. Most importantly, it is structured to minimize the possibility that Bodhi and I ever have to flip together at the same time because that is too sketchy. WE MADE IT TO THE END AND I FEEL ALIVE. Knowing this game? I’ll probably have to do it all again tomorrow.

Jaiden was robbed but also not robbed. Hopefully Julia can go next and then I can decide if I want to turn on Brian, Bodhi or just... stick with this huge alliance for whatever reason.

so me and zach made a deal with bodhi for him to keep us safe and have nicholas go this week. im really hoping he stays true to that and doesnt try to get us out this time bc honestly we just want to make single digits. i kinda wanna act like the goat so ppl will take me far but we'll see

So originally, my plan for this vote was to do some wonky flipping and take out someone big. But other people have plans for big moves, and I've heard of them from multiple sides. Interesting. There is nothing in stone, but Brian and Nicholas are both potential targets. This is GOOD. I don't want to keep either of them around too much longer, and I think I could easily win either of their jury votes. This is rather dandy. Last night, Brian gave Dana his ideal "boot list." Of course, Dana ran right to me and told me. That's because Dana and I are bffs, and we both think Brian is a threat and a joke. Brian wants a final 4 of Dana+Brian+Kai+myself. This would lead to him booting me in 4th place. I don't want that shit. I'd rather Brian go out before final 4, and I'd rather stick around to the end. So that's my plan. Take Brian out at some point, and win. Solid game plan, right? This final 4 got Kai and I talking about JURY MANAGEMENT. I told Kai that neither of us can beat Dana at the end. I suggested a final 3 with Gage. Of course, I'd rather have a final 3 with Dana, but I don't want that to be too obvious. Kai asked who I think would get each Jury vote. I turned it into a game where we take turns saying one juror each. The reason for this is that I don't want Kai to know how big my Jury ego is, and how I think I can beat almost anyone at the end. It's currently with a Gage majority, which is laughable. I'm just throwing jurors who I think are voting me over to Gage so that Kai thinks that I'm gonna get 3rd place. Here is the list of who each juror will vote for in a final 3 of Kai/Gage/Bodhi according to the list that Kai and I have compiled: Adrian - Gage Brian - Kai Dana - Bodhi Jaiden - Gage Julia - Bodhi Lily - (we decided that she'll vote whoever betrayed her the least) Nicholas - (we haven't discussed this one yet) Willa - Kai Zachary - Gage/Kai Laughable, right? Here's what I think it would look like in reality: Adrian - Bodhi Brian - Kai or Bodhi Dana - Bodhi Jaiden - Gage Julia - Bodhi Lily - Bodhi Nicholas - Bodhi Willa - Kai Zachary - Bodhi Now I'm not absolutely certain, but I do think that I have the most locked down jurors. Dana, Julia, and Zachary are ABSOLUTELY voting for me at the end. Jaiden is voting against me, but I don't really care all that much. I don't think that either of the other two have many jurors locked in. I think I'm all set

Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian by Vachel Lindsay I In a nation of one hundred fine, mob-hearted, lynching, relenting, repenting millions, There are plenty of sweeping, swinging, stinging, gorgeous things to shout about, And knock your old blue devils out. I brag and chant of Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Candidate for president who sketched a silver Zion, The one American Poet who could sing outdoors, He brought in tides of wonder, of unprecedented splendor, Wild roses from the plains, that made hearts tender, All the funny circus silks Of politics unfurled, Bartlett pears of romance that were honey at the cores, And torchlights down the street, to the end of the world. There were truths eternal in the gap and tittle-tattle. There were real heads broken in the fustian and the rattle. There were real lines drawn: Not the silver and the gold, But Nebraska's cry went eastward against the dour and old, The mean and cold. It was eighteen ninety-six, and I was just sixteen And Altgeld ruled in Springfield, Illinois, When there came from the sunset Nebraska's shout of joy: In a coat like a deacon, in a black Stetson hat He scourged the elephant plutocrats With barbed wire from the Platte. The scales dropped from their mighty eyes. They saw that summer's noon A tribe of wonders coming To a marching tune. Oh the longhorns from Texas, The jay hawks from Kansas, The plop-eyed bungaroo and giant giassicus, The varmint, chipmunk, bugaboo, The horn-toad, prairie-dog and ballyhoo, From all the newborn states arow, Bidding the eagles of the west fly on, Bidding the eagles of the west fly on. The fawn, prodactyl, and thing-a-ma-jig, The rackaboor, the hellangone, The whangdoodle, batfowl and pig, The coyote, wild-cat and grizzly in a glow, In a miracle of health and speed, the whole breed abreast, The leaped the Mississippi, blue border of the West, From the Gulf to Canada, two thousand miles long:- Against the towns of Tubal Cain, Ah,-- sharp was their song. Against the ways of Tubal Cain, too cunning for the young, The longhorn calf, the buffalo and wampus gave tongue. These creatures were defending things Mark Hanna never dreamed: The moods of airy childhood that in desert dews gleamed, The gossamers and whimsies, The monkeyshines and didoes Rank and strange Of the canyons and the range, The ultimate fantastics Of the far western slope, And of prairie schooner children Born beneath the stars, Beneath falling snows, Of the babies born at midnight In the sod huts of lost hope, With no physician there, Except a Kansas prayer, With the Indian raid a howling through the air. And all these in their helpless days By the dour East oppressed, Mean paternalism Making their mistakes for them, Crucifying half the West, Till the whole Atlantic coast Seemed a giant spiders' nest. And these children and their sons At last rode through the cactus, A cliff of mighty cowboys On the lope, With gun and rope. And all the way to frightened Maine the old East heard them call, And saw our Brian by a mile lead the wall Of men and whirling flowers and beasts, The bard and prophet of them all. Prairie avenger, mountain lion, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Gigantic troubadour, speaking like a siege gun, Smashing Plymouth Rock with his boulders from the West, And just a hundred miles behind, tornadoes piled across the sky, Blotting out sun and moon, A sign on high. Headlong, dazed and blinking in the weird green light, The scalawags made moan, Afraid to fight. II When Brian came to Springfield , and Altgeld gave him greeting, Rochester was deserted, Divernon was deserted, Mechanicsburg, Riverton, Chickenbristle, Cotton Hill, Empty: for all Sangamon drove to the meeting- In silver-decked racing cart, Buggy, buckboard, carryall, Carriage, phaeton, whatever would haul, And silver-decked farm wagons gritted, banged and rolled, With the new tale of Brian by the iron tires told. The State House loomed afar, A speck, a hive, a football, a captive balloon! And the town was all one spreading wing of bunting, plumes, and sunshine, Every rag and flag and Brian picture sold, When the rigs in many a dusty line Jammed our streets at noon, And joined the wild parade against the power of gold. We roamed, we boys from High School, With mankind, while Springfield gleamed, silk-lined. Oh, Tom Dines, and Art Fitzgerald, And the gangs that they could get! I can hear them yelling yet. Helping the incantation, Defying aristocracy, With every bridle gone, Ridding the world of the low down mean, Bidding the eagles of the West fly on, Bidding the eagles of the West fly on, We were bully, wild and woolly, Never yet curried below the knees. We saw flowers in the air, Fair as the Pleiades, bright as Orion, -Hopes of all mankind, Made rare, resistless, thrice refined. Oh, we bucks from every Springfield ward! Colts of democracy- Yet time-winds out of Chaos from the star-fields of the Lord. The long parade rolled on. I stood by my best girl. She was a cool young citizen, with wise and laughing eyes. With my necktie by my ear, I was stepping on my dear, But she kept like a pattern without a shaken curl. She wore in her hair a brave prairie rose. Her gold chums cut her, for that was not the pose. No Gibson Girl would wear it in that fresh way. But we were fairy Democrats, and this was our day. The earth rocked like the ocean, the sidewalk was a deck. The houses for the moment were lost in the wide wreck. And the bands played strange and stranger music as they trailed along. Against the ways of Tubal Cain, Ah, sharp was their song! The demons in the bricks, the demons in the grass, The demons in the bank-vaults peered out to see us pass, And the angels in the trees, the angels in the grass, The angels in the flags, peered out to see us pass. And the sidewalk was our chariot, and the flowers bloomed higher, And the street turned to silver and the grass turned to fire, And then it was but grass, and the town was there again, A place for women and men. III Then we stood where we could see Every band, And the speaker's stand. And Brian took the platform. And he was introduced. And he lifted his hand And cast a new spell. Progressive silence fell In Springfield, in Illinois, around the world. Then we heard these glacial boulders across the prairie rolled: 'The people have a right to make their own mistakes.... You shall not crucify mankind Upon a cross of gold.' And everybody heard him- In the streets and State House yard. And everybody heard him in Springfield, in Illinois, Around and around and around the world, That danced upon its axis And like a darling broncho whirled. IV July, August, suspense, Wall Street lost to sense. August, September, October, More suspense, And the whole East down like a wind-smashed fence. Then Hanna to the rescue, Hanna of Ohio, Rallying the roller-tops, Rallying the bucket-shops. Threatening drouth and death, Promising manna, Rallying the trusts against the bawling flannelmouth; Invading misers' cellars, tin-cans, socks, Melting down the rocks, Pouring out the long green to a million workers, Spondulix by the mountain-load, to stop each new tornado, And beat the cheapskate, blatherskite, Populistic, anarchistic, deacon-desperado. V Election night at midnight: Boy Brian's defeat. Defeat of western silver. Defeat of the wheat. Victory of letterfiles And plutocrats in miles With dollar signs upon their coats, Diamond watchchains on their vests and spats on their feet. Victory of custodians, Plymouth Rock, And all that inbred landlord stock. Victory of the neat. Defeat of the aspen groves of Colorado valleys, The blue bells of the Rockies, And blue bonnets of old Texas, by the Pittsburg alleys. Defeat of alfalfa and the Mariposa lily. Defeat of the Pacific and the long Mississippi. Defeat of the young by the old and the silly. Defeat of tornadoes by the poison vats supreme. Defeat of my boyhood, defeat of my dream. VI Where is McKinley, that respectable McKinley, The man without an angle or a tangle, Who soothed down the city man and soothed down the farmer, The German, the Irish, the Southerner, the Northerner, Who climbed every greasy pole, and slipped through every crack; Who soothed down the gambling hall, the bar-room, the church, The devil-vote, the angel vote, the neutral vote, The desperately wicked, and their victims on the rack, The gold vote, the silver vote, the brass vote, the lead vote, Every vote?... Where is McKinley, Mark Hanna's McKinley, His slave, his echo, his suit of clothes? Gone to join the shadows, with the pomps of that time, And the flames of that summer's prairie rose. Where is Cleveland whom the Democratic platform Read from the party in a glorious hour? Gone to join the shadows with pitchfork Tillman, And sledge-hammer Altgeld who wrecked his power. Where is Hanna, bulldog Hanna, Low-browed Hanna, who said: Stand pat'? Gone to his place with old Pierpont Morgan. Gone somewhere...with lean rat Platt. Where is Roosevelt, the young dude cowboy, Who hated Brian, then aped his way? Gone to join the shadows with might Cromwell And tall King Saul, till the Judgement day. Where is Altgeld, brave as the truth, Whose name the few still say with tears? Gone to join the ironies with Old John Brown, Whose fame rings loud for a thousand years. Where is that boy, that Heaven-born Brian, That Homer Brian, who sang from the West? Gone to join the shadows with Altgeld the Eagle, Where the kings and the slaves and the troubadours rest.

Brian has been renamed Cool Brian. Stay tuned

I am ADDICTED to suggesting voting out Willa. I have been doing it for many days. It is bad. but i can quit any time i want. right?????

[9:43:38 PM] Bo dhi: ok [9:43:43 PM] Bo dhi: are we doing Nicholas or brian [9:43:55 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): i think nicholas tbh [9:44:14 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): Like Brian has made it pretty clear he wants to work with us, and i dont think we should turn on that yet? [9:44:24 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): but i can really do whatever [9:45:16 PM] Bo dhi: ok I get that [9:45:20 PM] Bo dhi: ill go with that :) [9:45:27 PM] Bo dhi: I mean we gotta talk tomorrow too [9:45:30 PM] Bo dhi: figure it out [9:45:47 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): yeah obv. im mad i dont think ill be around for tribal again [9:47:55 PM] Bo dhi: I wont be here at this one [9:50:06 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): it seems kind of easy, so i guess i wont worry too much, but idk [9:50:12 PM] Bo dhi: wanna make it willa [9:50:16 PM] Bo dhi: that would not be easy [9:50:17 PM] Bo dhi: bad call [9:50:18 PM] Bo dhi: no no no [9:50:20 PM] Bo dhi: don't [9:50:24 PM] Bo dhi: I need to STOP my obsession [9:50:34 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): i kind of dont think willa is a bad ideea [9:51:16 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): because Nicholas will listen to me. and willa WILL try to flip on us [9:51:39 PM] Bo dhi: and I can get Zach + Julia almost without question [9:51:43 PM] Bo dhi: that's 5 [9:51:53 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): yeah but we shouldnt flip together [9:52:16 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): so if we cant pull in another then we should wait a round [9:52:25 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): i mean we can tell nicholas to do it or he’s going [9:52:43 PM] Bo dhi: we can explain working together without it being us two SUPER close [9:53:04 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): yeah ur right i forget that sometimes [9:53:33 PM] Bo dhi: should we [9:53:53 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): idk do we isolate too many people [9:53:55 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): i think we might [9:54:01 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): if we wait 1 round [9:54:11 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): it might be better [9:54:46 PM] Bo dhi: but then one of us could be exiled [9:54:55 PM] Bo dhi: and willa would know that the game was starting to shake around [9:55:19 PM] Bo dhi: and there would only be 3 more votes to use the idol [9:55:23 PM] Bo dhi: so theres a good chance [9:55:30 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): right- also for all we knwo, willa is trying to pull something this round [9:55:36 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): like i dont know why he wouldnt [9:56:17 PM] Bo dhi: absolutely. I think it could be neccecary to be honest [9:56:24 PM] Bo dhi: gage will come back and work with us [9:56:39 PM] Bo dhi: the question is who do we get rid of next [9:56:44 PM] Bo dhi: because that could screw us [9:56:50 PM] Bo dhi: we might need to just take out brian/lily [9:56:57 PM] Bo dhi: and then we're the big threats to flip on [9:58:02 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): i think the urgency of getting Willa out of this game depends on what conversations we hear tomorow. [9:58:10 PM] Bo dhi: excellent call [9:58:13 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): if we start hearing non Nicholas/ Julia [9:58:17 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): we need to strike for sure

so like i obviously said ive been wanting to flip on nicholas for awhile. i think whats going to happen tonight is the whole majority is going to tell us that the majority is brian. i think either an idol is going to be used on brian or itll be 3-3-3 and they either vote me or nicholas out in the revote. my plan is to get me and zach to flip on nicholas, voting him out and itll be 5-3-1. it'll keep MY ass safe and its what nicholas deserves. god i hope this works B)

I'm having difficulty trusting Zach as much as i would like to because he is very paranoid even though he has immunity. So like. Fuck.

Today, Brian made a slip that cost him the game. He's said things to Dana and I that make it seem like he knows we're tight, and just this morning when i said that I know Willa has an idol he said "oh, so Dana told you?" Now Dana and I don't trust that he's actually wanting us in the final 4, and Dana wants to vote him out. I literally am so fine with voting him out it's not even funny. So it is time to vote out the Prairie avenger, mountain lion, Brian Brian Brian Brian. Cool Brian is going to leave, and that's gonna be the end of him! I really hope he and Adrian have a good time on the jury together. That sounds like a fucking party. So we've got Dana, Zach, Julia, Nicholas, and myself voting Brian, and then FUCKIN GAGE COMES BACK FROM EXILE. N O N O N O. 10 people is a weird number to make a big move with. 6-4 is just an AWKWARD dynamic. But we're doing it anyway I guess.

So according to Zachary, Willa decided to take advantage of the split and try to rally Zach Julia and Nicholas against Brian. This lets us have ANOTHER split. So this vote could theoretically be 5-2-2-1. I'm heavily considering getting myself and Dana to vote for Willa just in case Brian has an idol. This could be an incredibly complex vote.

Ok so Willa wants to flip and get out Brian? (me too but) we're gonna be splitting votes between Brian and Willa because Willa so kindly graced us with his vote!! There's a method behind this madness of a 4-3-2-1 vote. We want Willa to think he was being blindsided, but it failed last minute. How do we do this? VOTING CONFESSIONALS. Zachary puts a 1 on his vote, Nicholas puts a 2 on his vote, and .... I PUT A 4 ON MY VOTE. Then Willa is like "shit, had #3 voted for me, I'd be dead." This plan exists so that Willa freaks out about whether there are people actually gunning for him, and so he starts trying big shit. It'll get him to waste his idol next tribal (just wait), and it'll also get him to try and completely realign himself. This is NOT going to work for our tragic hero, but it'll make for one hell of a few days.

There have been 101 conversations about what the fuck is going down at tribal tonight, and while I feel like I'm totally up on the plan, everyone is trying to make an OTT move tonight sooo Alright, so Bahamian Rhapsody alliance basically has a conversation about splitting votes between Nicholas and Julia this morning. To be honest, I never really want either of these two to leave. Julia barely plays this game, and I think I have a better chance of getting someone like Nicholas to work with me later down the line then someone like Willa. So basically this plan immediately disintegrates, but right now hopefully Brian, Kai, and Lily are still believing it. So Bodhi and I decide that even though we have a F4 with Kai and Brian called "The Hotdogs" it's probably time for Brian to go. He could have advantages, he's also just generally a threatening player because of his relationships and strength in challenges. At this point, Bodhi and I are going to vote Brian with hopefully Zach, Julia, Gage, and Nicholas. This, however, would mean that we were flipping together, which the goal is not to do. Then things get shaken up because Zach tells Bodhi another group has brought him a blindside for Brian tonight. I assume it's Willa, because Willa is probably coming from the same place Bodhi and I are, where he's like "I need to make a move." So we assume that Willa is trying to also take advantage of the vote split using Nicholas, Zach, Julia, and MAYBE Lily (whose willingness to vote for Nicholas was unclear). Basically, I give Bodhi the idea to tell Zach that he HAS to tell Bodhi who told him about blindsiding Brian because if a unanimous blindside for Brian were to come together from two separate groups (who didnt know the other was voting Brian) and Brian played an idol, someone like Julia or Nicholas could go home, which is the exact situation Zach wants to prevent. At this point, Zach tells Bodhi it is Willa, confirming what I already thought. Then Bodhi is like, lets split even further, and tells me he wants to pull off a 4-3-2-1 vote. We pick Willa because we know Willa has an idol, and thus in the off chance Brian has an idol, Willa will be gone and his idol flushed. Bodhi, somewhat naively imo, tells me it's going to be easy, which I think is a complete overestimation of how complex this game is, but whatever. He tells me to still vote Brian, which was my plan anyway. So then the vote breakdown would go as follows: 4 Brian (Me, Gage, Julia, Willa), 3 Willa ( Bodhi, Zach, Nicholas), 2 Nicholas (Brian and Lily), 1 Julia (Kai). Bodhi has some really flashy plan to pretend the split for Willa was last minute move by making people number their votes 1,2,4 so it looks like someone defected last minute and that Willa was only 1 vote from leaving the game. It's really fucking funny, but also it would be stupid for me to not think about how this impacts my game. Here's the thing, overall, this is all kind of fine with me. If I weren't playing this game, I would love it. Even still, if it works, it'll be hysterical. But moving forward in this game, a move like this REALLY isn't advantageous for me and i'm worried i'm starting to get envious? jealous?-- idk which word is better-- of people who are going to be visible for making big moves like this if they get to the end, including people like Bodhi. Because here's the thing, i'm still an important player in this move to take out Brian and split with Willa, but I'm a silent player and I didn't really choose to be. As far as Zach, Nicholas, and Julia know, I have no knowledge of this plan of a side split for Willa, and that sucks for me. It also makes my day harder, because I can't talk to any of them right now without putting them in a position where they would have to lie to me and pretend they aren't voting for Willa. So instead I have to ignore them, so as to avoid a situation where they lie to me, vote Willa tonight, and then feel uncomfortable playing the game with me moving forward because they know they've been dishonest with me and I might not trust them. So assuming things go down like this... what do i gain from this move? Very little is the answer. Perhaps Willa and Gage (who I already know is uneasy about me for no reason) start to trust me more. But I get none of the glory of pulling off something funny or smart, and more importantly I've voted out someone who claims they want F4 with me and put him on the jury, which is blood on my hands that people like Bodhi won't have. More importantly, the Willa defectors get to put a cool move on their resumes. So I have two counter plans that can help me compensate for having to partake in this move as a silent actor. One of them is necessary imo, and the other is nothing more then a plan in the works for me to get the glory I deserve. 1) One thing i'm PANICKED about tonight is that a group of Julia, Zach, Nicholas, and probably Lily (because she's close with Nicholas) could come together and pick a new target. Namely, someone like me, which would either create a tie with Brian or if they could pull enough people, send me home. This is paranoia in prime form, and I know it. BUT, In order to prevent this, I'm toying with the idea of sending Lily a boot list Brian sent me the other night (I know, A BOOT LIST, who sends those) that has her as the f10 boot and telling her she should vote with me tonight for Brian. This would give me some more confidence in her, and eliminate the possibility that she is conspiring with a Zach, Julia, Nicholas group about picking their own target. it also makes the 4-3-2-1 less flashy by producing a 5-3-1-1, which is kind of bitchy of me, but ummmm... who cares? Here's the problem though: I don't want Lily to have time to go to Brian with this information before the vote because it increases the chances of idol play. Anyway, I just have to think about that option for the next few hours. 2) I am plotting my big move. If I gain no notoriety  from this vote, you bet people are going to be thinkin I'm (cautiously) good at this game by the next vote. If Gage doesnt get closer to me by the next vote, I'm thinking of targeting him because he is a sneaky snake in this game and really playing a pretty good UTR game in my opinion. Other than that, hopefully things go well tonight. Either way, the fallout from this vote PROMISES to be lit and I better be here tomorrow.