I want you to make me FATTER.
I want you to stuff burgers in my mouth and rub my bloated belly,
I want you to watch as I painfully try to pull my obese, flabby body up, off the sofa.
I want you to help as I struggle to waddle my way to the loo, I need you to squeeze my love handles and butt so I can fit through the door,
I want you to wipe my hippo-sized arse because I can’t reach it in this morbidly obese body,
I want you to pour calorific gainer shakes down my funnel, push up my belly and suck my swollen fat pad, jiggle my thighs, whilst my belly bloats and bloats, I’ll pass out in a food coma.
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In response to @janaispunk’s shitty little anon,
sorry you’re mad that a fat girl could (and would, frankly) pull your fantasy man before you ever could. You can’t blame him though, I mean look at us—our fat bodies are lush and our face cards don’t decline. Oh, and you know why most of all??? Because we aren’t shallow, closed minded assholes. A fat girl would pull ANY PPCU character before you and your shitty attitude ever could.
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Hi hello it is 4am and i wish not to be awake, so to compensate, I am Thinking Thoughts rn
In particular, I'm thinking about pussydrunk Keith
You know the second he gets a taste of you (literally or figuratively), he's obsessed. He can't get it off his mind, better than the sweetest dessert or the fanciest dish. It takes all his willpower not to spend hours simply eating you out or to milk you of every last orgasm. And even then, he easily finds himself struggling to tear away from you, needing a harsh tug on his hair to bring him back to reality. But he simply can't get enough, can you blame him? Obsessed with how warm and wet you can get, the way your body accepts him into you, and all the different ways you react to him.
He's always so watchful of your reactions, never wanting to make you uncomfortable or hurt you. But at one point, he has started to look for your more pleasurable reactions. He notes the way you tremble or gasp when he moves his fingers a certain way, or swirls the tip of his tongue on your sensitive bud. He knows the way you clench around his cock when he whispers sweetly in your ear, or thrusts just right to hit your sweet spot. He makes sure to commit every one of your reactions to memory until he's driving you wild in a matter of seconds.
He can't help feeling ashamed of how much he wants to dominate your attention, keep your eyes on him as he delivers the best pleasure you've ever had in your life, how he can't fight the desire to fill you completely full of him every night until you cant fit anymore and then some. But if you'll let him, he'll gladly spend every waking minute worshipping your body as it deserves, pouring all his love into every movement, every thrust of his hips and stroke of his fingers, every whisper straight to your cunt, of how much he loves you and wants to take care of you.
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getting some thick full muscled arms and a round gut that hangs over my belt would fix me i think
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König - Canon
Height, Age, Rank and Affiliation in Canon
Assumptions based on available or previously available in-game sources;
Previous Affiliations
König was originally listed as a German Citizen and a member of the KSK. (German Special Forces - Commandos).
This was then changed to match his uniform's flag and he was listed as an Austrian Citizen and a member of the Jagdkommandos. (Austrian Special Forces - Commandos). This was then changed again to remove all mention of real world affiliations.
Though as it's been previously stated It's reasonable to assume he's ex-Jagdkommandos as he was an Austrian Insertion Specialist working in Counter Terrorist operations.
Side Note - In the Beta König was originally a SpecGru Operator.
Height;
While there is no confirmed canon height for könig yet we can make some educated assumptions.
He's too tall to be a sniper. Ghost is a sniper (his only confirmed height being 6'2 1/2") so he is likely taller than 6'3".
Average height for Central/Eastern European men is 5'10"** we could reasonably assume being described as "the size of a mountain" before the age of 17 would imply he is noticeably taller.
I would guess anywhere from 6'4" to 6'10".*
Know that the taller you go the more health problems and inconveniences you find, I would try and keep it reasonable as being over 7ft would incur too many health risk and would probably not pass medical admission.
*As much as I dissuade using TikTok - LeeThe4th is a good example of this kind of height.
**A local anecdote "I think 6'1" is pretty average personally. 6'4"+ people are not an uncommon sight here"
Age and Rank;
König's rank as a colonel comes from one of two loading screens: Bad Brothers and Bad Brothers 5: Colonel König. Given the gap I'd assume it's more for the sake of parody instead of lore. (Parodying films like 'Brothers', 'Saving Private Ryan' and 'Dirty Dozen' ect)
Colonel may have been chosen for the sake of alliteration - I wouldn't discount it but I'm not wholly convinced.
The Loading Screen in question -
If he is a Colonel we can make a few assumptions about his age: General online consensus seems to be that it takes around 20-25 years of service to reach the rank of colonel. However, exceptional officers may be promoted more quickly and promotion to colonel requires a combination of experience, education, and leadership skills. "Officers must also pass a promotion board and meet specific eligibility requirements."
If we want to get country specific:
German Bundeswehr:
"- promotion requires a minimum of 17 years of officer's service, i.e. 20 years of service overall"
Austria:
Though I can't find a precise number I would assume it's closer to Germany's. He joined at 17 that puts him at 34/37+ which does line up well with other in-game operators.
As a Colonel some of his responsibilities and skills would be; Regiment commander, Brigade commander, field experience, highly educated (Referring to in army training, not standard education) , and strong leadership skills.
TL-DR:
Height; 6'4" - 6'10"
Age; 34-37+
Rank; Colonel
Previous Affiliations; German or Austrian Special Forces Commando
Canon Appearance and Biography
Speech and Accent
Anxiety and Personality*
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