#painted this while listening to Vincent by don mclean over and over | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

owillofthewisps · 4 years

Text

portraits hung in empty halls - prologue

notes: do i need another wip? no. are y’all getting one? yup. i’m slightly lukewarm about this particular prologue, but it’s gotta happen for me to get where i want to be. sometimes it just be like that. title is from Don McLean's "Vincent"

rating: teen.

pairing: geralt of rivia/female reader

word count: 1.5k

there is an odd little portrait tucked away in an alcove. at night, the canvas lies empty. most never notice it.

the Witcher does.

The Witcher appears without warning.

His hair, the color of fresh cream, draws your eye to the door. You think you are perhaps the first to notice him despite the way his broad frame fills the doorway. His hair seems to you a rare thing, like snow capped mountains, a dusting of white over the stone of him.

The inn is buzzing, the glow of the torches cutting through the velvet of the night, drawing patrons like moths. You’ve been laughing all night, fluttering between your customers, all cheeky grins and soft touches. Malinka has been grumbling behind the counter. She would be well within her rights to curb your wandering, to anchor you behind the bar, but she has always been soft for you. Besides, while the ale is good, the company is what keeps most of the men coming back. It is selfish, you think, the little charm you paid handsomely for, but you always want the inn warm with chatter, to fill the rafters with laughter and argument and rambunctious humanity. The cacophony is a promise of existence, and you drink it down like mulberry wine. The coin is simply an added bonus.

The bedlam fades as the Witcher enters, a hush falling over the tables. It makes your skin prick. You’re just beginning to turn to Piotr, to make him kick up the fiddles again, when the bard next to the Witcher starts to strum on his lute. The sound catches like kindling, his voice a reassurance, and though it takes a moment, the conversations start up once more.

The bard is a talented one, boisterous in his delivery. Piotr finds the rhythm of his song and the fiddles join in. The Witcher seems unmoved by the reception, the crowd parting for his hefty frame as he makes his way to the counter. You murmur Elias’s name, draw his incendiary gaze from the Witcher and back to your conversation.

Your attention wanes, though, when you see Johan step to the counter, waving off Malinka. There’s a sour twist to his face, something half-rotten lurking under his skin. You curse under your breath.

The Witcher is sliding coin across the bar when you catch his wrist. “Johan,” you say sharply.

Johan murmurs your name. It’s lined with challenge.

A simple flex of the Witcher’s wrist dislodges your grip, but that’s hardly your concern right now. “Would you like to repeat the amount of coin you asked for to me?” you ask Johan. You’d heard it as you were weaving your way to the bar. You suppose you should be less surprised by Johan’s audacity, for his bravado is never tucked far from the surface.

Johan grits his teeth, names a price almost triple what you charge.

“Out,” you say. The snarl is barely hidden beneath your tongue.

“He’s a fucking Witcher, you cannot-”

“It is not our way,” you say, and the warning cannot be missed.

Someone at the bar snorts, the air thick with barely contained amusement at your scolding. The rancid twist of Johan’s lips spreads to his eyes. You hold firm; you have faced far worse.

“Protected by a woman,” Johan spits at the Witcher. “She can’t always save you, mutant.”

“Enough,” you say. “Go.”

He growls a curse at you, but pushes away from the counter, storming into the back. You hop the bar with a flurry of your skirts. Your skirts hike high with the movement, baring your skin to those paying attention. It garners you a whistle from one of the men at the bar. You tip him a wink.

Up close, the Witcher is the type of handsome that makes you want to trace your fingertips across his skin, circling lower and lower. You pour a mug of ale, press it towards him. He has eyes of amber, and they are sharp on you, sliding beneath your skin like a stiletto blade. It has been years since you’ve felt so stripped by a gaze alone.

“My apologies,” you say to the Witcher. “That is not our way here.”

He grunts. “Hard to agree.”

“It is not my way, then,” you amend.

“That,” he says, his gravelly voice arrowing through you, “seems more likely.”

You smile gently; he does not return it. Still, there is something in his gaze, and you wonder what you look like in his eyes.

He starts to push coin - less, this time - towards you, but you nudge it back. “No coin needed,” you tell him. “I’ll accept your name, though, should you be insistent on payment.”

He considers you for a moment. “Geralt.”

“Geralt,” you repeat, and your own name falls from your lips like an offering. You want to ask him more, want to hear if the stone of him can be chipped away at, but one of the men at the other end of the bar calls to you. “Pardon me,” you say to Geralt, and then you slide away. You can feel his eyes lingering on you.

You are whirled into work, balancing trays of ale against your hip, laying kisses on the cheeks of the more familiar regulars, darting out of their grasp with a giggle when they try to pull you down into their laps. The bard’s music spills over you, and you let Elias sweep you into a dance. Malinka is swept up, too, until the clamor of those wanting drink overtakes the cheers of those watching you spinning, your skirts flaring.

The night lengthens. As patrons trickle out the door, the bard winds down, joins Geralt at the bar. He’s immediately leaning forward at the sight of Malinka, of her tumble of onyx curls and her plush hips. You are tempted to return behind the bar, as most have retired to their rooms or staggered home, but you mind Malinka’s glare and clear the tables.

It is late when Geralt and the bard rise to follow Malinka down the hall of the inn, the torches burning low. You cannot help but follow them with your eyes. The bard throws you a wink when he notices your attention; you tip one right back. His delight lights his face, and you stifle a giggle.

Geralt, however, pays you no mind, though you are sure he feels your gaze. They are just about to disappear from sight when the Witcher slows. He peers into a small, dark alcove, leaning into it just slightly, and ice trickles down your spine. You cannot remember the last time a patron even noticed the tiny nook. You wet your lips as he tilts his head to better see the frame tucked back against the wall.

Malinka chews on her lip as she tries to urge him along. Geralt cannot be moved, though, and you flex your fingers as he lingers there.

“Shit,” Rose says quietly, coming up behind you.

You can’t even make a sound.

She twines her fingers through yours and squeezes. You grip her hand tightly, enough to make her wince, but she says nothing.

Finally, finally, Geralt pulls away from the alcove. He ignores the bard’s questions. He glances back, those amber eyes finding you, and you tug at Rose, your fingers trembling against hers.

She curls an arm around you and whirls you into a dance, spinning you amid the tables with quick grace. Those few that remain, all those who are haunted by the dark and cannot seem to find rest during it, whip up into a chanting song to give you a beat to twirl to. By the time she releases you, Geralt is gone.

You lean forward and bury your face in her shoulder, inhaling the scent that lingers on her skin like a kiss, rosemary and rosemallow, roses for Rose. She presses a hand against your head, cradles you to her. “Don’t fret,” she says. “It makes you look old.”

“Thanks.”

She drops a kiss on the crown of your head. “You’re welcome,” she says, her cheer blazing through the night’s quiet like a shooting star.

You pull away to let her tie her apron on. The inn is empty now, all the travelers tucked away in their beds, sheltered from the cold of the night. Rose fills the silence with bawdy jokes and the slap of the bread dough against the counter. You settle in beside her, plait the ropes of sticky dough into loaves. It is familiar, and comforting, and for now - it is home.

Dawn approaches. You feel it in your bones, feel it in your marrow, something in you going papery. You wipe your sticky hands on your apron. You leave it splayed across the counter, brush your fingers against the clumsy stitching of it, the thread the color of a plum, though it has long faded to something lighter.

“Must you torture yourself?” Rose asks. She lays a hand across your forearm as you round the bar, her fingers forlorn against your skin.

You do not answer; cannot answer. The taste of paint has coated your tongue. You brush your fingers over Rose’s knuckles, over her soft skin, and then you are out into the waning night.

You had loved the night, once, had spent hours in the grip of the chill air, listening to the whisper of the wind as it threaded through the fingers of the trees, bark scraping like a melody.

The night is not cruel, you know, but it feels cruel all the same, with the vastness of it gaping wide like a mouth, the stars little pinpricks against the void of it, like lanterns bobbing deep in the woods at night, little flickers of hope against an unruly dark.

The stars, though, are fading now, as dawn creeps over the horizon, long fingers of light starting to stretch across the sky. You push to the tips of your toes. The sun is still beneath the horizon, and you are so hungry for it. You ache for it, your breath caught in your chest by the promise of it.

It grows lighter still, and just as the sun would peek over the horizon, as you crane towards it, desperate for the smallest glimpse of it - everything goes dark.

taglist: @fairytale07 @1950schick @nonamejustshame

#geralt x reader #geralt of rivia x reader #geralt imagine #the witcher x reader #the witcher imagine #story: portraits hung in empty halls

212 notes · View notes

trickster-archangel · 5 years

Text

Ineffable....that’s it.

So, following the latest fashion trends on tumblr, I had my personally tailored Ineffable Husbands Spotify Playlist.

Here she goes….another one….

Yup!

Fact is, there are a lot of awesome playlist out there….listened here and there…but then again, when during a session, you feel like skippin over and over and over, maybe it’s just that you don’t feel like that one is THE Ineffable One, not for you anyway.

And so I had mine too :) Some of the songs are on my personal TOP faves cds…some others were suggested courtesy of youtube and spotify themselves, suggesting similar ones…and sometimes good ones too

Feel free to dig and have a peep - but first, let me tell you something, let me tell you WHY those ones..

And what better, if not quoting part of the song itself? Because, in the end, what makes a song right for the Ineffable Husbands, at least IMHO, is not just a little sentence, it has to be the FEEL, the AMBIANCE…

I must warn you: I am curious, and eclectic. So there is a wide array of styles.

The real feeling of a 6.000 years love

What grows inside their hearts

Some from Crowley’s perspective. Some from Aziraphale’s. Some from God’s herself…

Some are doubles, because the ambiance can really change a lot, depending on who and how sings it.

Oh yes, for two of them I just wrote down the whole text, because it was just perfect.

So, if these sentences enthrall you, try and have a loolk. And maybe tell me what you think: I may be new to the fandom, and I maybe new to Tumblr at all, but I LOVE to listen (well, read…) to everybody opinion, experience, feeling.

To learn

To move on

To improve

Many thanks, obviously, to @rcmclachlan because everything started with her fanfic https://archiveofourown.org/works/19393168

And then to @rafaelafranzen for Nick Cave

And to @drawlight for being just the wonderful person she is, because most of these came through just while reading her fanfics.

I don’t claim anything on the Velvet Ground’s ones because I had only dug through them after reading @neil-gaiman‘s post about Crowley’s likely favourite ones :)

For a better result, I suggest you the shuffle playing :)

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3vpet6rpZVWrqXzJuMgvQG

…here we go with the lyrics

Tears In Heaven, Eric Clapton

Would you hold my hand

If I saw you in heaven?

Would you help me stand

If I saw you in heaven?

I’ll find my way through night and day

‘Cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven

Crystalised, The xx (+ Martina Topley-Bird featuring Mark Lanegan version)

Things have gotten closer to the sun

And I’ve done things in small doses

So don’t think that I’m pushing you away

When you’re the one that I’ve kept closest

Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

Forget what we’re told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see

Vincent, Don McLean

Now I think I know

What you tried to say to me

And how you suffered for your sanity

And how you tried to set them free

They would not listen, they’re not listening still

Perhaps they never will

Endless War, Within Temptation

You keep crawling on

Won’t let it go

You keep holding on

To feel whole

‘Cause you’re fighting an endless war

Hunting a miracle

And when you reach out for stars

They just cut you down

'Cause you’re fighting an endless war

Hunting a miracle

Is it worth dying for

Or are you blinded by, blinded by it all?

A thousand years, Christina Perri

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I’ll love you for a thousand more

Hallelujah, literally everybody

Well baby, I’ve been here before

I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew ya

And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch

And love is not a victory march

It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

The Lightning Strike, Snow Patrol

Part I: What if the Storm ends?

I want to see you as you are now

Every single day that I am living

Painted in flames, all peeling thunder

Be the lightning in me that strikes relentless

Part II: The Sunlight Through the Flags

Worry not, everything is sound

This is the safest place you’ve found

The only noise beating out is ours

Lacing our tea from honey jars

Part III: Daybreak

Something was bound to go right, sometime today

All these broken pieces fit together

To make a perfect picture of us

It got cold and then dark, so suddenly and rained

It rained so hard, the two of us were the only thing

That we could see for miles and miles

And in the middle of the flood, I felt my worth

When you held onto me like I was your little life raft

Please know that you were mine as well

Starlight, Muse

Hold you in my arms

I just wanted to hold

You in my arms

My life

You electrify my life

Let’s conspire to ignite

All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I’ll never let you go

If you promise not to fade away

Never fade away

Everyday, Buddy Holly

Everyday seems a little longer

Every way, love’s a little stronger

Come what may, do you ever long for

True love from me?

Pale Blue Eyes, The Velvet Underground

Thought of you as my mountain top

Thought of you as my peak

Thought of you as everything

I’ve had but couldn’t keep

Linger on your pale blue eyes

When the Levee Breaks, Led Zeppelin

Don’t it make you feel bad

When you’re tryin’ to find your way home

You don’t know which way to go?

If you’re goin’ down South

They got no work to do

If you don’t know about Chicago

I’m in Love With My Car, Queen

…..seriously? Everything.

A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square, Tori Amos (+ version by Bobby Darin)

….obviously….

A Thousand Years, Sting

I’ve kept this single faith, I have but one belief

I still love you

I still want you

A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves

Like galaxies in my head

On and on the mysteries unwind themselves

Eternities still unsaid

'Til you love me

Snake Eyes, Mumford & Sons

It’s in the eyes

I can tell, you will always be danger

We had it tonight, why do you always seek absolution?

It’s in the eyes

I can tell you will always be danger

How does the earth around your feet

Just slip away?

And abandon that greets you in the night

With snake eyes, the most precious kind

Bleeding Out, Imagine Dragons

When the hour is nigh

And hopelessness is sinking in

And the wolves all cry

To fill the night with hollering

When your eyes are red

And emptiness is all you know

With the darkness fed

I will be your scarecrow

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered, Ella Fitzgerald

I’ve sinned a lot, I’m mean a lot

But I’m like sweet seventeen a lot

Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

I’ll sing to him, each spring to him

And worship the trousers that cling to him

Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

A Sky Full Of Stars, Coldplay

I don’t care, go on and tear me apart

I don’t care if you do, ooh

'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars

I think I saw you

Angels Fall, Breaking Benjamin

When angels fall with broken wings

I can’t give up, I can’t give in

When all is lost and daylight ends

I’ll carry you and we will live forever, forever

Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You, Frankie Valli (1967….yes….)

Pardon the way that I stare

There’s nothing else to compare

The sight of you leaves me weak

There are no words left to speak

But if you feel like I feel

Please let me know that is real

You’re just too good to be true

I can’t take my eyes off you

Foreigner’s God, Hozier

All that I’ve been taught

And every word I’ve got

Is foreign to me

Demons, Imagine Dragons

Your eyes, they shine so bright

I wanna save that light

I can’t escape this now

Unless you show me how

Unintended, Muse

You could be my unintended

Choice to live my life extended

You could be the one I’ll always love

You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions

You could be the one I’ll always love

Mad About You, Sting

…..seriously?! everything….It’s just CROWLEY’S LOVE SONG TO AZIRAPHALE. Period.

Seven Devils, by Florence + The Machine

Holy water cannot help you now

See I’ve come to burn your kingdom down

And no rivers and no lakes can put the fire out

I’m gonna raise the stakes, I’m gonna smoke you out

Paradise (What About Us?), Within Temptation

What about us,

Isn’t it enough?

No we’re not in paradise

This is who we are

This is what we’ve got

No, it’s not our paradise

But it’s all we want

And it’s all that we’re fighting for

I Found, Amber Run

And I’ll use you as a focal point

So I don’t lose sight of what I want

And I’ve moved further than I thought I could

But I missed you more than I thought I would

Angel On Fire, Halsey

I used to be a darling starlet like a centerpiece

Had the whole world wrapped around my ring

I flew too closely to the sun that’s setting in the East

And now I’m melting from my wings

Watching For Comets, Skillet

Now I see you, I’m frozen in time

All your colors burst into life

I don’t dare close my eyes

Cause a love like this happens once in a lifetime

East Of Eden, Zella Day

Pink toes pressed against the carpet

Show your face and finish what you started

The record spins down the alley late night

Be my friend, surround me like a satellite

Tiger on the prowl

East of Eden

Coming for you now

I Knew I Loved You, Savage Garden

There’s just no rhyme or reason

only this sense of completion

and in your eyes

I see the missing pieces

I’m searching for

I think I found my way home

Every Breath You Take, The Police

Since you’ve gone I’ve been lost without a trace.

I dream at night, I can only see your face.

I look around but it’s you I can’t replace.

I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace.

Neutron Star Collision (Love Is Forever), Muse

(seriously…..?! Just listen to it!)

Now I’ve got nothing left to lose

You take your time to choose

I can tell you now without a trace of fear

That my love will be forever

And we’ll die we’ll die together

Lie, I will never

'Cause our love will be forever

Angels, The xx

And with words unspoken

A silent devotion

I know you know what I mean

And the end is unknown

But I think I’m ready

As long as you’re with me

My Key To The Stars, Catman Cohen

A golden glow blazing all around Jupiter

It’s going to illuminate the night

The kind of light you once shone all over me

In the blackness of a lost, lonely life

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy, Queen

asking why?….kidding right??

Til Kingdom Come, Coldplay

Hold my head inside your hands,

I need someone who understands.

I need someone, someone who hears,

For you, I’ve waited all these years.

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come.

Until my day, my day is done.

And say you’ll come and set me free,

Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me.

In The Shadow, In The Light, Enigma

I promise you, for all my life

I’ll be Always on your side

In the shadow, in the light.

I’ll follow you, wherever life goes

But I’ll always be aside

In the shadow, in the light.

But if we don’t understand…

Hell is happy, heaven is sad

And that’s the result of our brain…

Insane…

Caravan of life

By day and by night

Every tile’s a part of life

If it’s shadow, or if it’s light

I promise you, even when the tide is high

I’ll be always on your side

In the shadow, in the light

Universe, Punchline

Universe

You are my universe

And I’m just a planet

And I can’t stand it

But I am humble to be in your world

Unchained Melody, The Righteous Brothers

Oh, my love

My darling

I’ve hungered, hungered for your touch

A long, lonely time

And time goes by so slowly

And time can do so much

Are you still mine?

The Devil Waits For Me To Slip, Antonia Vai

have you ever tried to go clean

from a druglike love, your kindest fiend

knowing he’s in charge of your lows and highs

wondering who you’ll be without his reply

Total Eclipse Of The Moon, Enigma

Time Doesn`t Say Hello

Total Eclipse Of The Moon

Many Nights In Our Lives Before

I Was Dreaming To Be Just Beside…Beside You

Total Eclipse Of The Moon…I`ll See You Soon

Who Wants To Live Forever, Queen

Who wants to live forever?

There’s no chance for us.

It’s all decided for us.

This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us.

Mr. Crowley, Ozzy Osbourne

Your life style to me seemed so tragic

With the thrill of it all

You fooled all the people with magic

Yeah, you waited on Satan’s call

Nobody Can Save Me, Linkin Park

I wanna fall wide awake now

So tell me it’s alright

Tell me I’m forgiven, tonight

And only I can save me now

I’m holding up a light

Chasing out the darkness inside

And I don’t wanna let you down

But only I can save me!

Stars, Skillet (+movie version)

The deepest depths, the darkest nights

Can’t separate, can’t keep me from your sight

I get so lost, forget my way

But still you love and you don’t forget my name

Get Thee Behind Me Satan, Ella Fitzgerald

Someone I’m mad about

Is waiting in the night for me

Someone that I mustn’t see

Satan, get thee behind me

The Night We Met, Lord Huron

And then I can tell myself

What the hell I’m supposed to do

And then I can tell myself

Not to ride along with you

We Spoke of God, Catman Cohen

One night

We spoke of God

Asking questions very strange

Is it all pre-arranged?

One night

We spoke of God

Under tarry blackened sky

We wondered why

Mad World, Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces

Worn out places, worn out faces

Bright and early for their daily races

Going nowhere, going nowhere

Origin Of Love, MIKA

Some love’s a pill and some love is a candy cane

It tastes so sweet but leaves you feeling sick with pain

Your love is air, I breathe it in around me

Don’t know it’s there but without it I’m drowning

Love

You’re the origin of love

Heaven Is A Place, Amber Run

I don’t know when I started loving you

Now it’s all that I can I do

Heaven is a place I know when I’m with you

Ashes Of Eden, Breaking Benjamin

Are you with me after all

Why can’t I hear you

Are you with me through it all

Then why can’t I feel you

Stay with me, don’t let me go

Because there’s nothing left at all

Stay with me, don’t let me go

Until the Ashes of Eden fall

Yellow, Coldplay

Your skin

Oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

Do you know

You know I love you so

While Your Lips Are Still Red, Nightwish

Kiss while your lips are still red

While he’s still silent

Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled

Hold another hand while the hand’s still without a tool

Drown into eyes while they’re still blind

Love while the night still hides the withering dawn

It’s 6 in the morning and I think I love you, Antonia Vai

I’ll find us a house on a lonely cliff

Skylines and crooked roads

Where we can watch the city burn

Smoke rising boulevards

I don’t get the picture while I’m in it

I would leave it for you any minute

For something closer to the sky

Supernova, Within Temptation

Drowning in a haze, and I just wanna get in deeper

Purple skies with a million stars, I’m falling ground

These days when I’m losing track of time

These days when I’m burning up inside

These days when I’m lost, I search the skies

Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen

…..do I seriously have to explain this one….?

Goodbye Milky Way, Enigma

Shall I go, shall I stay

107 light years away

many times, so many doubts

But no reason to talk about

Twin Flames, Epica

I ever need

My one belief

We share a common energy

I’ve flown afar beyond the sea

To find the other side of me

I’ve waited long and patiently

To find the one to balance me

To live without dubiety

This is my covenant to thee

I’ll Be Your Mirror, The Velvet Underground

When you think the night has seen your mind

That inside you’re twisted and unkind

Let me stand to show that you are blind

Please put down your hands

'Cause I see you

I’ll be your mirror

Innuendo, Queen

(YES, I couldn’t help it…this is just such a Crowley song)

If there’s a god or any kind of justice under the sky

If there’s a point, if there’s a reason to live or die

If there’s an answer to the questions we feel bound to ask

Show yourself, destroy our fears, release your mask

Be Good To Me, Sia

You know what you do to me

You light up,

Light up the dark and

You’re all the good within me

My heart is filled, rebuilt

You’re My Best Friend, Queen

You’re the first one

When things turn out bad

You know I’ll never be lonely

You’re my only one

And I love the things

I really love the things that you do

You’re my best friend

The Fall, Imagine Dragons

I’m ready for the fall

I’m ready for everything that I believed in to drift away

Ready for the leaves

Ready for the colors to burn to gold and crumble away

The Sound Of Silence, Simon & Garfunkel

“Fools,” said I, “You do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you.”

But my words like silent raindrops fell

And echoed in the wells of silence

Still Into You, Paramore

It’s not a walk in the park

To love each other

But when our fingers interlock,

Can’t deny, can’t deny you’re worth it

'Cause after all this time I’m still into you

Following The Sun, Enigma

Have A Look Up To The Sky

See The Billion Stars Above

Cos (Maybe) On One Of Them

You`ll Spend Your Further Life..

When I Fell, Canyon City

Don’t you ask me when I fell in love

No one answer ever captures all I’m thinking of

It’s the strength and grace within

How you never let me win

It’s candlelight dancing round rooms

It’s the first time that we prayed

It’s the words we’ve yet to say

But I feel them anyway with you

You & I, Rhodes

I don’t mind if you lie with me

You’re my friend

I don’t like to hide

Think about all the foreign things in our lives

And how time can fly

Oh is it still you and I, forever?

I See You, Missio

I’m alone with you, you’re alone with me

What a mess you made of everything

I’m alone with you, you’re alone with me

And I’m hoping that you will see yourself

Like I see you

Follow You, Bring Me The Horizon

So you can drag me through Hell

If it meant I could hold your hand

I will follow you cause I’m under your spell

And you can throw me to the flames

I will follow you, I will follow you

Dressed In Black, Sia

You found me dressed in black

Hiding way up at the back

Life had broken my heart into pieces

You took my hand in yours

You started breaking down my walls

And you covered my heart in kisses

How Long Will I Love You, Ellie Goulding

How long will I love you?

As long as stars are above you

And longer, if I can.

How long will I need you?

As long as the seasons need to

Follow their plan.

How long will I be with you?

As long as the sea is bound to

Wash upon the sand.

How long will I want you?

As long as you want me to

And longer by far.

How long will I hold you?

As long as your father told you,

As long as you can.

How long will I give to you?

As long as I live through you

However long you say.

How long will I love you?

As long as stars are above you

And longer, if I may.

We’re all traveling through time together

Every day of our lives.

All we can do is do our best

To relish this remarkable ride.

Somebody To Love, Queen

I honestly refuse to justify this one. Honestly.

Alone With You, Canyon City

Let’s go get lost on a long back road

Where the river turns to streams and the time moves slow

It’s not anything you say, anywhere we go

It’s just being along with you now

Being alone with you

Another Story, The Head And The Heart

I’ll tell you one thing

We ain’t gonna change much

The sun still rises

Even with the pain

I’ll tell you one thing

We ain’t gonna change love

The sun still rises

Even through the rain

Unfold, Penny and Sparrow

Years spent trying, I want to hear you speak

Dragged out of silence, all and only me

Oh, I know I’m wrong, I’m the one who held up

Sin making a frame for you and I to make up, to make up

Please worry that I might leave

When you offer me the best of everything

Wish You Were Here, Bliss

Like the air that I breathe, you’ll always be there

The wings that I need, when I wanna fly

Now I drift to you, I dream of a river

A water so blue, wish I could live there

Wish you were here

Samain Night, Loreena McKennitt

And so our love’s not a simple thing

Nor our truths unwavering

But like the moon’s pull on the tide

Our fingers touch, our hearts collide

I’ll be a moonsbreath by your side.

You Will Never Know, Imany

With every smile comes my reality, irony

You won’t find out what has been killing me

Can’t you see me, can’t you see?

You will never know

I will never show

What I feel

What I need from you no

You will never know

Counting Stars, OneRepublic

I feel something so right by doing the wrong thing

And I feel something so wrong by doing the right thing

I couldn’t lie, couldn’t lie, couldn’t lie

Every thing that kills me makes me feel alive

Temptation, Delilah Montagu

You let me in, and then you let me go

Like you’re afraid of what might happen

If you started to love me

But you’re all that I have, and you’re all that I need

I think about you daily

But all I ever get is “maybe”

And don’t you feel tempted by me

Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

And I’d give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be

And I don’t wanna go home right now

Into My Arms, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

I don’t believe in an interventionist God

But I know, darling, that you do

But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him

Not to intervene when it came to you

Not to touch a hair on your head

To leave you as you are

And if He felt He had to direct you

Then direct you into my arms

As The World Falls Down, David Bowie

I’ll paint you mornings of gold.

I’ll spin you Valentine evenings.

Though we’re strangers 'til now,

We’re choosing the path

Between the stars.

I’ll leave my love

Between the stars.

From Eden, Hozier

Honey, you’re familiar like my mirror years ago

Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword

Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know

I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Love Of My Life, Queen

Love of my life, you’ve hurt me

You’ve broken my heart

And now you leave me

Love of my life, can’t you see?

Bring it back, bring it back

Don’t take it away from me

Because you don’t know

What it means to me

The Black Angel’s Death Song, The Velvet Underground

The rally man’s patter ran on through the dawn

Until we said so long

To his skull-shrill yell

Shining brightly red-rimmed and

Red-lined with the time

Infused with the choice of the mind

#good omens #good omens playlist #my own playlist #because I needed to suffer and not alone #feelings and emotions better left upon the shelf

8 notes · View notes

dangilliam · 4 years

Photo

Artist’s Biography

I was born "the day the music died" (from Don McLean’s “American Pie”) Feb. 3, 1959. Buddy Holly's plane crashed in the wee hours of the same morning my mom gave birth to me. Because of my connection to this fateful day, I have always considered part of my purpose in life to help keep the music alive. Sometime around 1969, I fell in love with the songs I was hearing through the earplug of my transistor radio. The tunes of The Doors, Neil Young, Jim Croce, Seals and Crofts, Carol King, Cat Stevens, Chicago, and America gave me a soundscape for understanding some of the unknown things I was feeling. At age 13, I picked up the guitar and discovered an avenue for self-expression in writing and singing my own songs. Artistic endeavors were my private ambitions. When my parents divorced in 1973, I would rely heavily on these diversions to help me survive the trauma of watching my world blow apart. Over my 60-some years of travels and travails, I have written and recorded 9 albums of original music to document my life’s journey. In 1986, after my brief career as a professional pastor I recorded my self-titled debut album, "Dan Gilliam" and sold about 100 copies to friends and family. The circulation of this cassette helped to open local doors for me in Cincinnati, OH and other Midwestern towns to perform my songs for drug prevention school assemblies. This led to the writing and recording of my second album, "A Good Used Brain is Hard to Find"(1988) containing songs I performed for school audiences in 40 states. Good friend and guitar slayer, Craig Brammer played and co-produced on these two albums. Assisted and inspired by my classic-rock cover band "Pacer", I recorded "Storms and Love" in 1991, a collection of folk-rock love songs. Greg Unthank, Mike Duncan and Terry Duncan contributed heavily to this album. In 1993, after snooping around the alleyways and back doors of contemporary Christian music, I wrote and recorded “Shake the Walls” which led to many performances at churches and Christian coffee houses. In the ensuing years, I found myself sharing the stage with many well known Christian artists such as Servant, Big Tent Revival, Jennifer Knapp, The Newsboys, Audio Adrenaline, Chris Lizotte, All Star United, Bleach, Sonic Flood, The 77s, and Richard Swift. For the most part, however, I have performed my music and told my stories in relative obscurity. "Farm Café", my bare bones 1995 recording was the beginning of me finding my true voice as a singer and songwriter. I sold over 500 copies of this album from the trunk of my car the first year and made a conscious decision that whether or not the world wanted another performing artist I was going to be one. In 1997, I traveled to New Haven, IN to record "The Color of God" at Monastic Chambers studio with Jon Gillespie, Bart Rendel, Craig Eakright, and Jeremy Tisland. Selling out my first 1,000 copies of this cd in less than a year allowed me to put aside the cash for my 1999 record "I Am Not Like God". I was fortunate to have much help from guitar aficionado Rich Nibbe, drummer Josh Lanting, and worship leader and songwriter, Chris Lizotte. In 2001, while living in Cottage Grove, Oregon I recorded "Simple God Songs". Mega-talented guitarist/producer Keith Schneider and drummer Jonathan Behr contributed to this eclectic mix of musical stories, interestingly recorded in the studio my friend, Richard Swift, would later call National Freedom. This album represented a return to my spare, acoustic-oriented style of writing and performing. As of today, none of these albums have been released on any record label and remain largely undiscovered and undocumented by the corporate music industry. Thanks to https://store.cdbaby.com/Artist/DanGilliam, however, many of my songs are now all available for digital download on most music purchasing sites. I started to take painting seriously around 1995. Reading biographies of great painters such as Georgia O’Keefe, Vincent Van Gogh, Paul Gauguin, Pablo Picasso, and American outsider artist Harland Hubbard, I was inspired from the beginning to be true to myself and find my own voice. Being an untrained artist I didn’t know what was and was not allowed, so I simply began to put paints on canvasses and place the finished pieces on stage with me at my concerts. As the result, I have sold paintings all over the country to people who fell in love with my art while listening to my music. These days I sell most of my paintings through Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/groups/DansArtFriends/). In March of 2007, a book of my spiritual, creative, traveling memoirs entitled, “God Touches: Finding Faith in the Cracks and Spaces of My Life” was published by Standard Publishing (Cinti., OH). It is now out of print, but available at several book sites online. In 2017, I self-published a book about my slow and debilitating recovery from septic shock and Post-Sepsis Syndrome. It is entitled, Septic Shock and Awe: A Story of Trauma, Survival, and Spiritual Discovery and is available in e-book form here: https://www.blurb.com/b?ebook=646334. My tenth album of original songs, “Heartbreak Takeout”, which I am recording here in Longmont, CO, will be available in early 2020. https://www.facebook.com/DanGilliamMusic/

#DanGilliam

1 note · View note

revwinchester · 7 years

Text

Eyes That Know

Summary: The reader is a rock star with heavy addiction issues. Sam is a former rocker who has been to rehab and been sober for a number of years. When the two meet at a party sparks fly and they fall into a romance. After losing one girlfriend to addiction, Sam can’t do it again and makes the reader choose between him and her drugs.

Author: revwinchester

Pairing/Characters: Sam Winchester x Reader, Lucifer, Dean Winchester, Adam Milligan, Jimmy Novak, Ruby, Amelia Richardson

Word Count: 5697, including lyrics (which are italicized throughout)

Warnings: talk and use of soft and hard drugs, implied prostitution, cocaine overdose, major character deaths, mention of minor character death, mental illness - specifically addiction, anxiety, and depression, all the angst. Also, one of the character deaths could be read as suicide - though it’s not intended to be one - and the song lyrics mention the historical suicide of Vincent Van Gogh.

A/N: This ended up being for two challenges and it is the angstiest thing I have ever written. I cried while I wrote it. First, @nichelle-my-belle is hosting Nichelle’s 4K Angst Challenge and my prompt was “if you kill all my demons, my angels might die too.” I was looking for a song to frame the fic when @thing-you-do-with-that-thing announced the SPN Anti-Valentine’s Challenge and I saw one of the prompts was “Josh Groban - Starry Night,” which is a cover of Don McLean’s “Vincent,” a song I absolutely love. You can bet I snapped that one up real quick! Click on each of the links to head to youtube for two different versions of the song. They are so different but each are beautiful in their own right (though, if you’ve never heard it before, I recommend you start with the original).

Your name: submit What is this? // <![CDATA[ function replaceAll(find, replace, str) { return str.replace(new RegExp(find, 'g'), replace); } function myHandler() { var input = document.getElementById("inputTxt").value; document.body.innerHTML = replaceAll('Y/N', document.getElementById("inputTxt").value, document.body.innerHTML); } // ]]>

Eyes That Know -

Starry, starry night Paint your palette blue and gray Look out on a summer's day With eyes that know the darkness in my soul Shadows on the hills Sketch the trees and the daffodils Catch the breeze and the winter chills In colors on the snowy linen land

You spied him across the room at an industry party: Sam Winchester. You had always loved Vessel, the band he had played with, and had been disappointed when he had hung up his bass guitar and let his brothers replace him. You had heard the stories about why he had done all that, of course. How he had gotten addicted to cocaine, been convinced by his older brother to go to rehab, and ultimately decided that he needed to get out of the business if he was going to stay sober. He’d stayed in L.A. in order to be close to his brother, Dean, and his half brother, Adam Milligan, the other two original members of Vessel. If Sam was here, that probably meant his brothers were somewhere nearby, too.

You had just taken a hit and were feeling relaxed and confident as your eyes followed his movements through the room. Soon enough, he looked up, likely feeling someone watching him, and his gorgeous hazel eyes were locked with yours. He quickly finished the conversation in which he was engaged and made his way over to you.

“You’re Y/N,” he declared. “One of Lucifer’s clients?”

“And you’re Sam Winchester,” you replied coolly, despite the fact that you were fangirling inside now that he was standing right in front of you.

Sam tilted his glass toward you in ascent and the two of you fell into easy conversation, turning out the crowd for the rest of the evening. At one point, Sam noticed your hand shaking a bit and asked if you were alright.

“Oh, yeah. Just coming down,” you told him.

Sam’s face fell and you rushed to comfort him. “Nothing hard, I swear. Luc encouraged me to talk to someone about my anxiety and then he helped me get my meds without being spotted by the paparazzi.” It wasn’t a lie, not entirely anyway. You had talked to someone about anxiety, you didn’t do hard drugs, and Lucifer had provided you with what you had taken to deal with your anxiety tonight. You just didn’t mention that you were self medicating.

Sam smiled again. It didn’t quite reach his eyes but you could tell he wanted to believe you and that you’d be able to win him over again. “How about we get out of here and you take me to dinner?” you suggested.

Sam agreed and texted his brother, letting him know he’d be leaving. You tossed him your keys and he gave you a quizzical look. “If you’re taking me out, you’re driving,” you sassed, before turning to walk toward the door, knowing that Sam was following you like an overgrown puppy dog. You led him to your car with him still questioning how you knew he didn’t have a car at the party he needed to get home. “I figure you probably arrived with Dean and Adam since you had to tell one of them you’d be leaving.” You slid into the passenger seat of your Jaguar F-Type, unsure if Sam’s gigantic frame would actually fit now that you were at the car.

He managed to squeeze in, though. As soon as Sam started the convertible, you hit the button to open the top of the car, giving the man all the headroom in the world while he adjusted the seat to accommodate his long legs.

Sam drove you to a diner about 45 minutes outside of Hollywood. It was a bit of a trek but the food was good and the owner was a friend of Dean’s, he told you, so he trusted that there wouldn’t be any leak of your date and the two of you wouldn’t end up surrounded by cameras.

You were seated and ordered quickly before the conversation turned to their music. “So, you switched the music from your iPod to the radio pretty quickly in the car,” Sam began, making you blush.

You had been listening to one of Vessel’s earlier releases, from when Sam was still in the band, on your way to the party and had hoped you’d been quick enough and he hadn’t noticed. No such luck, apparently.

“Well, you knew I was one of Lucifer’s clients so, you’re allowed to know about my career but I can’t be a fan of yours?” You asked cheekily.

Sam laughed. “Of course you can, I just… that was “Family Business,” right? That album was 12 years ago. How old were you then, even?”

“Old enough,” you replied with a wink. And it was true, Sam wasn’t that much older than you but Lucifer had suggested playing up your youth and innocence in order to sell yourself and you had gone along with it. Now that you were about to come out with your third album it was time for your “sexual awakening” or, at least, the sexualization of your brand. You were grateful that you wouldn’t have to play the role of a virginal school girl anymore. While you weren’t quite as risque as Lucifer was pushing the brand, it definitely lined up more with your actual personality than the image you’d been portraying for the past three years. “God, I was so in love with you guys when I was a teenager,” you admitted.

“Oh yeah?” Sam asked, cocking an eyebrow. “Tell me more.”

“Well, I mean, what’s not to love? You’ve got Dean fronting the band with his obvious talent on guitar, that whiskey rough voice, and those entrancing green eyes, not to mention lips that were just made to be kissed. And Adam on drums, so young and innocent but those muscles… mmm… and always looking so serious about everything.” You were making him suffer a little for asking the question and you could see in Sam’s eyes that he knew it. “And then there was that bass player. Don’t get me wrong, Jimmy is great and the band sounds almost as good as ever but that original guy… kind of quiet and mysterious, like you’d expect from a bass player, with gorgeous hair that you just want to run your fingers through before you give it a good tug while he’s kissing his way down your body, and, oh, don’t get me started on those strong, agile fingers…”

Your teasing was definitely having an effect on Sam but just as he made to stand, probably to pull you out of the diner and into a bed, your food arrived. You scooped up your burger and took a bite, some of the juice dripping down your chin before you could wipe it away with a napkin. Sam resettled himself on his side of the table and tucked into his meal, too, the hungry look in his eyes fading slightly as the two of you ate and chatted about less sexually charged things.

When your meals were about half done, you decided to bring up a touchy subject. “So, you seemed pretty crestfallen back there when I mentioned my meds were wearing off,” you pressed gently. “Wanna tell me about that?”

“Oh, uh, that. Yeah,” Sam stuttered, trying to buy himself a little time.

“If you don’t want to, it’s ok, Sam,” you apologized. “I’m sorry I brought it up.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Sam was looking at the table instead of at you as he spoke and you thought he might need that buffer in order to get his story out. “I mean, if you know the band’s history, you know mine. Or, part of it, at least. I was using cocaine, almost killed myself because of it. My girlfriend at the time had introduced me to the stuff and, God, the rush that came along with it… Ruby was, well, she was something else, that’s for sure. Dean kept trying to tell me she was bad for me but I didn’t listen. I thought I was functioning at a level I’d never reached before. But then Ruby got killed in a drug deal gone bad,” Sam’s voice had shifted to a whisper and you reached a hand across the table to grab one of his hands. “Stabbed, actually, in an abandoned church. I was standing right there, saw the whole thing happen and there was nothing I could do to stop it. If Dean hadn’t followed us that night, if he hadn’t been hiding right outside the door and pulled me out of there, I don’t think I would have made it out alive, either.” Sam paused and took a shuddering breath.

“I’m so sorry, Sam. I didn’t realize all that,” you offered. You really hadn’t intended to dredge up memories quite like this.

“No, it’s good,” Sam assured you. “No one ever talks about this side of things, at least, not in specifics, and maybe we should. But, anyway, that’s when Dean finally got me to agree that I needed help. He dropped me off at a rehab program before I had a chance to change my mind. When I got out, I tried to get back into the music world, back on the stage and in the studio, but I realized that the lifestyle pulled me right back to the edge of using again. So, I left. I helped Dean and Adam find Jimmy and left most of that life behind. Obviously, I’m still tangentially connected to all of it but I’ve found a good balance.”

You squeezed his hand to reassure Sam you were still there.

“Thanks,” he said, finally looking up at you again. “Thanks.”

“No, thank you, Sam.” Your voice was sincere. His story had touched you. You weren’t going to end up like Ruby; you’d be smarter.

“Anyway,” Sam continued, “I write now. I wrote most of the music for Vessel before and I still write a lot of their stuff,” he told you. “You, uh, you’ve sung a few of my songs, too; ended up being some of my most popular pieces, recently. So, thanks for that.”

“No way,” you replied. “I’d remember if Sam Winchester had the writing credit on any of my songs.”

“Well, he doesn’t,” Sam laughed. “Only Vessel gets my real name on the credits. You’ve done songs by G. Adreel, though.”

A shy smile spread across Sam’s face as he watched your eyes go wide. “That’s you?” you gushed and he nodded. “You’ve written some of my favorite songs that I’ve recorded!”

The two of you talked about life, careers, and music. You shared some about your own history and Sam told you more about his family. Before either of you realized, it was nearly 4 AM and Sam’s phone dinged with a text alert.

“It’s Dean,” he explained. “He’s wondering if I’m ever coming home.”

It was so clear that Sam loved his brother fiercely and, from his stories, you knew that the sentiment was returned. They hadn’t grown up with Adam but, once they had learned about his existence, they had welcomed him into the fold with open arms. All of that only served to endear the younger Winchester to you even further.

Sam settled the bill and you both started the drive back to LA. Over the coming months, you continued to write and record, paying special attention to any songs that came across your radar that had been written by Mr. Adreel. All the while, your relationship with Sam was growing. You shared a few more weeks of dinners well outside of LA before finally releasing a statement through your publicist and taking your relationship public.

During these months, your manager continued to help you deal with your anxiety, upping the ante with various concoctions before finally convincing you to try cocaine. “It’s going to be like magic,” Lucifer had assured you and he had been right. Your confidence soared and your mind was rife with ideas. You started relying on other writers less and less, preferring to write your own music and, aside from two amazing pieces by G. Adreel that you couldn’t pass up, your third album was full of original songs you had written.

You promised yourself that you would be careful. You only took small amounts just before you sat down to write or backstage immediately before a performance. This wasn’t an addiction; you were in total control. You made the decision to start boosting your confidence before interviews and when the small amounts weren’t giving you the creative jumpstart you needed, you knew it was the right thing to up the dosage. You never used the magic in the hours before you saw Sam. Until once, when you misjudged how long the high would last. You couldn’t go out with him while you were coming down, he’d notice for sure so you made another line of the white powder. Just this once, you told yourself, just to get through this date without Sam finding out.

Now I understand What you tried to say to me How you suffered for your sanity How you tried to set them free They would not listen, They did not know how Perhaps they'll listen now

“You can’t keep doing this, Y/N. You can’t live like this,” Sam told her, tears forming in his eyes. “I can’t go down this road again and I can’t watch you kill yourself. Please go to rehab. I’ll take you; no one will know you’re there. You are such a light, Y/N. Don’t let this win. Please.” He knew he was begging but he didn’t care. He loved this woman but he couldn’t do this again. Not after Ruby. He wouldn’t go down this path again and he couldn’t watch Y/N destroy herself either.

“If you kill all my demons, my angels might die too,” Y/N replied fearfully.

“No, baby, you don’t… You don’t need that crap. Not to perform, not to create. All that beauty is already in you,” Sam rasped, the tears spilling onto his cheeks. He had never seen Y/N this bad. He had known she was using, had helped her through some bad highs and offered to help her beat it. Sam had suggested rehab previously, but she’d always brushed him off, told him that she just needed to finish writing or recording or get through the next tour first and then she’d stop. The date had been continually pushed back and he’d been content to go along with her. But she’d been late for more and more dates and interviews and had recently begun standing him up and skipping jobs all together, sometimes disappearing for a few days at a time without any word or indication that she was alright. To say that Sam was worried about her would be a gross understatement.

“It’s in you, not in this stuff,” Sam insisted, a pit forming in his stomach as he felt his heart break.

“Sam, I…” Y/N began but he interrupted her.

“Please,” Sam begged. “Please.” Even to his own ears, Sam’s voice sounded so broken.

“I… I can’t Sam. I just can’t. Without this I’m nothing.”

The words cut deep. Sam had heard these words before. Hell, he’d said them before. To his brother after Ruby had gotten him hooked on the white powder, but hearing them directed at him, hearing that this relationship, his love for this woman meant nothing compared to the high… he knew it was the addiction talking but he was still gutted by her words.

Sam had been clean for about 8 years now but even so, the allure of the cocaine was there in the back of his mind. He knew he’d never touch the stuff again but he also knew the high, the feeling of power, of being invincible, that he was missing out on. But Y/N was beyond any of that right now. Sam looked at his strung out girlfriend and tried one more time. “Please, Y/N. Come with me; let me get you some help.”

“I don’t need help, Sam,” she snapped, “I need to write.” Her voice was barely a whisper and she was shaking so hard that Sam knew she wouldn’t be writing a thing.

Sam knew what he had to do, he just hoped she’d make it through all of this and get the help she needed. “I can’t do this, Y/N.” His voice was hard and he schooled his face into an expression to match his tone.

Y/N looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “Sammy, no…” she whispered.

He reached down and grabbed the plastic bag of powder that was sitting beside her. “It’s me or this shit, Y/N. You can’t have both.” He knew the ultimatum was harsh but he needed to be clear with her. He’d lost Ruby to this life and he couldn’t watch as Y/N, someone he actually loved, destroyed herself.

He stood for a moment as her eyes darted between his own hazel eyes and the bag of cocaine he had taken from her. Her silence spoke volumes. Sam threw the bag back to the floor in front of her, the cocaine spilling out in a white cloud, before turning on his heel, walking through the door and out of her life.

Starry, starry night Flaming flowers that brightly blaze Swirling clouds in violet haze Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue Colors changing hue Morning fields of amber grain Weathered faces lined in pain Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

You sat on the floor in your apartment, your back pressed against the couch and tried to scoop up as much of the magic as you could. That’s what this stuff was, magic. Why couldn’t Sam see that? Why couldn’t he remember? Maybe if he’d just try some again, he’d remember… The songs you were able to write when you were filled with the feelings and images… there was no way you could do it without the magic.

You put the meager amount you had been able to collect from the carpet onto the table and picked out some of the longer fibers you had gathered along with it. Looking at the small pile you already knew it wouldn’t be enough. You crawled across the floor to where you had dumped your purse and dug out your cellphone before making your way back across to your spot in front of the couch.

You pulled up your manager’s contact information and pressed the button to dial him. While the phone rang you inhaled the powder you had gathered from the floor, breathing deeply through your nose.

After the third ring, you heard the familiar voice that always promised either a job or a high. “Hey babe, what can I do for you?”

“I need more, Luc,” you breathed into the phone.

“More? Already? I told you that I wouldn’t be able to get you any more for at least a week and that you needed make the magic last.” You could hear the smile in Lucifer’s voice but didn’t pay it any mind.

“Sam was here and…” you began but your manager cut you off.

“He was? Is he back in the fold?” he asked you eagerly. Lucifer had told you multiple times that it was his goal to get Sam back into Vessel. He had managed the band but when Sam left, Luc had been kicked to the curb as well and thought that if he could get Sam to rejoin the family band, he’d get the golden egg back. You had long since realized that, along with Ruby, Lucifer had been the one to supply Sam with cocaine and you suspected that he hoped the way back in was to get Sam hooked again. Until you had come along, Vessel had been his most profitable venture and losing them had been a major blow to his credibility.

“No,” you told your manager, “no. Sam is… Sam is gone.” The words felt wrong on your tongue but the new high was kicking in and you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. “He left. But I’m awesome and now I can fuck whoever I want. But there was… there was an accident, he surprised me and I dropped the bag and it spilled into the carpet. I need to write, Luc, I need it.”

Lucifer muttered something that you couldn’t quite make out but before you could ask about it, he spoke louder. “I think I can get you more but it’s not going to be cheap.”

“Whatever it costs, I can pay it,” you urged. You were one of the most popular musicians currently performing, money was not an issue and you told Lucifer as much.

“It’s not your money I want, Y/N. In fact, I’m positive I can get you more magic than ever before now that Sam isn’t a hangup,” he informed you. “If…” Lucifer trailed off, leaving you to anticipate his next words.

“‘If’ what,” you questioned.

“If you give me your body,” your manager revealed. “Think about it: all the magic you could ever want - all the creativity, the confidence, the power - no charge,” Lucifer teased. “All you have to do is say yes.”

You didn’t hesitate. It wasn’t even a question in your mind, you needed the magic, needed the high, needed to create. “Yes.”

For they could not love you But still your love was true And when no hope was left in sight On that starry, starry night You took your life as lovers often do But I could have told you Vincent This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Sam was driving through downtown Lawrence, Kansas, on his way home from work and flipping through the radio stations when a familiar voice caught his attention. It was Y/N’s latest single, a cover of Don McLean’s song “Vincent.” Sam had always loved this song and Y/N’s voice and interpretation definitely did it justice. He hadn’t seen Y/N in about a year. He still thought about her, though; still hoped she’d call him to tell him she’d gotten help. He still loved her, too, probably always would but he had done his best to move on. Even now, listening to her voice singing his favorite song through his car’s speakers, he was on his way to a date with a veterinarian he’d met by chance three months ago.

After he’d left Y/N, he realized that he needed to leave the music business and L.A. behind him completely if he ever truly wanted to get away from his past and his pain over losing her. He’d stopped writing altogether, moved to Kansas, to the city where he had been born, and picked up a job working at a record store while he debated going back to school.

The song ended and the radio show’s hosts began talking. “This was an interesting choice for a first single from her new album but Y/N did an amazing job with this song,” one of the hosts gushed. Sam had to agree with him.

His co-host interrupted him, her voice sad. “It’s also going to be her last single and her fourth record, which released late last month, will be her final album. We’re saddened to report the news that Y/N was found dead in her hotel room this morning, just 12 hours before she was set to kick off her latest tour at Madison Square Garden in New York City. The early reports are saying Y/N accidentally overdosed in her room and died sometime during the night.”

Sam slammed on the breaks, nearly causing an accident. He pulled his car onto the side of the road and frantically thrust the gear shift into park as he numbly listened to the rest of the news report.

“Though she allegedly had a number of recent flings, Y/N was most recently romantically linked to Sam Winchester, formerly of the band Vessel. The pair was reported to have split a year ago. She is, unfortunately, the latest member to join the likes of Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse, and Kurt Cobain in the infamous 27 Club.” The female radio host’s voice was full of emotion as she read off the news bulletin. Though Y/N had likely never met this woman, her music had touched her and the reverence in her tone was clear.

“What is it with the age 27 and musicians?” The woman’s co-host asked. “I feel like 28th birthdays have to be a huge deal in the music world, right?”

Sam flipped off the radio, angry at the man’s flippant tone and knowing he wasn’t going to get any more information from these people. Tears pricked in his eyes unbidden and soon enough they were spilling onto Sam’s cheeks. Sam sat on the side of the road and cried for... he didn’t know how long.

He’d needed to leave, needed to get out of that situation for his own health but maybe he should have stayed a little longer, fought a little harder for Y/N. Maybe he should have dragged her away from that life. Maybe he hadn’t loved her enough. If he had, maybe she’d still be alive. Finally, the ringing of his phone pulled him out of his head. “Hello?” Sam answered, not looking at the caller id before he hit the answer button.

“Sam Winchester, where the hell are you?” It was Amelia and she sounded pissed. Sam couldn’t blame her when he noticed the time. He was an hour late for their date.

“I’m sorry,” Sam replied, trying to keep his voice steady. “I was on my way over and I, uh, got some bad news. Lost track of time.” The excuse was a weak version of the truth but how could he tell her more? He couldn’t tell Amelia that the woman he loved, the woman he’d probably love forever, with whom he had once pictured a future was gone. She knew he had some demons in his past but sharing this and the story that would have to go with it was too much.

“You’re going to need to do better than that, Winchester,” Amelia retorted.

“Someone I… an old friend died,” Sam told her, his voice breaking.

Luckily, Amelia took pity on him. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I’m still here if you still wanted to get dinner. Or I could get some takeout and meet you at your place,” she offered.

“I think I just need to be alone for a little bit, Amelia,” Sam replied truthfully. “Thank you, though.”

After a brief exchange of goodbyes and a promise to reschedule, Sam was back on the road, slowly making his way toward his apartment. He walked through the door and immediately made a beeline for his bedroom, collapsing on the bed fully clothed. Sam took a pillow and pressed it against his face to muffle any sound as he screamed until his throat was raw and his voice was hoarse.

When he finally pulled the pillow away, the clock on his bedside table read 10:00. It would only be 8:00 in LA and Dean would be finished with sound check for Vessel’s show at Purgatory, a club where they would often debut new music. When Sam had left the band, Dean and Adam had searched high and low for a replacement before stumbling across a man named Jimmy completely by accident. He played for all three of the brothers and then Sam listened as he played with Dean and Adam. Jimmy was a perfect fit and he was glad that Dean and Adam would get to continue doing what they loved so much.

Tonight, however, he resented it just a little bit. Sam needed to talk to his brother. Dean had been the one to help him through his own addictions and was the only one Sam trusted who had any idea of what he was going through. But Y/N had been Dean’s friend, too, and he didn’t want to bring his brother that far down right before he had to take the stage. Sam waited until he knew the show would have started and sent Dean a text.

To: Dean Winchester

Call me as soon as the show is over. Don’t care how late it is.

Sam knew sleep wasn’t going to come to him that night so he made his way to the living room, stopping in the kitchen to grab a few beers, and began flipping through the channel. TNT was showing a marathon of Y/N’s favorite show. Something about two brothers who killed the things that go bump in the night and, though he had never enjoyed the stories, Sam found himself getting sucked into the world Y/N had loved so much as tears began to leak from his eyes again.

Starry, starry night Portraits hung in empty halls Frameless heads on nameless walls With eyes that watch the world and can't forget Like the strangers that you've met The ragged men in ragged clothes The silver thorn of bloody rose Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

At Dean’s suggestion, Sam moved back to California. Sam was pretty sure it was because Dean and Adam wanted to be able to keep a closer eye on their brother. They knew he had still loved Y/N, despite having to leave her a year prior, and they were worried what her death might do to him or drive him to. Sam had gone along with the plan without much resistance. Once Amelia had seen him so broken up about an old girlfriend, she realized his heart would never be in their relationship, not fully, so there wasn’t much tying him to Lawrence.

He started writing music again here and there but put most of his focus into trying to end the stigma that surrounded rehab. “People should not be looked down upon for seeking help,” Sam insisted in interview after interview. “I went to rehab, I’m not ashamed of that, and I’m a better person for having gotten the help I needed.”

Inevitably, though, the interviews would then dwell on his own drug use, some hosts and journalists going so far as to insinuate that glorifying rehabilitation programs would glorify drug use. Those were the people that made Sam see red but he learned how to handle that line of thought with as much grace as he could muster. “That time in my life isn’t one that I look back on fondly. There are no happy memories associated with my addiction, if that’s what you’re implying.” Sam would subtly call out the interviewers for their intolerance.

Sam reached out to people in the entertainment business who he knew had struggled with addiction in the past, hoping to find allies for his cause. “More stories should end like mine, like yours,” he would tell them and, ultimately, they all agreed with that sentiment. None of them joined his crusade, though. For some, contracts and royalties were contingent on them not talking about their past drug use. For others, brands had been built around their innocence and one wrong word could send that crashing down. Sam was forced to sign more non-disclosure agreements than he could count to even get meetings with some of these people.

Sam was alone in this and, at first, he was undeterred. He had the support of his brothers, who were willing to speak to their part in Sam’s story, and that would have to be enough to get this campaign off the ground. Except, it wasn’t. Sam tried to push forward. He knew it could be successful if he could get even one person to talk about it… Eventually, however, he was just tired and beaten down.

Y/N had been gone for three years, now, and she was all but forgotten by the general population. Sure, some would remember her when one of her songs came on the radio but that was rare these days. Her death had been what spurred the conversation for the first few months but now, Sam was seen as “that former addict who quit music because he couldn’t handle the pressure and now he’s got a bone to pick with the industry,” or, that’s how the news outlets were starting to describe him, anyway.

So he stopped. He stopped talking, stopped advocating, and, ultimately, stopped feeling.

Now I think I know What you tried to say to me How you suffered for your sanity How you tried to set them free They did not listen they're not listening still Perhaps they never will

You watched Sam from above, watching as each person turned him away. Sure, they were grateful for the programs that had helped them, they would tell him, but the conversation always ended the same way: “but I can’t tell anyone that.” Though you didn’t expect anything different, it still broke your heart every time. But Sam was resilient and tenacious. Until he wasn’t.

You watched as his work slowly fizzled out and Sam sank into depression. You watched as he stopped sleeping and barely ate anything. You watched as Dean and Adam tried to convince him to eat and then tried to bully him into it; the same with sleep. But you could feel that Sam had no appetite and, despite his exhaustion, you could feel how sleep eluded him. He was hospitalized; you could see how his body was shutting down and you were worried for him.

Then one day, you couldn’t feel his hunger or his weariness anymore. Instead, there was a sense of peace and joy and those emotions comforted you. Then there was a hand on your shoulder and you turned from your vantage point, from where you had watched Sam from heaven.

“You’re early,” you told him through tears.

ALL THE TAGS! (forevers): @deathtonormalcy56 @supernaturalyobsessed @roxy-davenport

Mooselings: @jared-padaloveme

Pond Sam/Angst Tags: @manawhaat @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @loveitsallineed (@purgatoan) @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @blushingsamgirl @notnaturalanahi @whispersandwhiskerburn @roxy-davenport @impala-dreamer @deathtonormalcy56 @samsgoddess @wildfirewinchester @for-the-love-of-dean @spn-fan-girl-173 @cici0507 @fiveleaf @deansleather @whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname @waywardjoy @mrswhozeewhatsis @imadeangirl-butimsamcurious @supernatural-jackles @idreamofhazel @wevegotworktodo @jpadjackles @babypieandwhiskey @deantbh @supermoonpanda @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki @deanwinchesterforpromqueen @chaos-and-the-calm67 @memariana91 @chelsea-winchester @fandommaniacx @writingbeautifulmen @ageekchiclife @drarina1737 @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell @castieltrash1 @supernaturalyobsessed @ruined-by-destiel @winchester-writes @deals-with-demons @faith-in-dean @winchestersmolder

#nichelle's 4k angst challenge #spn anti-valentine's challenge #supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #SPN #spn fanfic #spn angst #angst #Sam Winchester #sam winchester x reader #reader insert #addiction #mental illness #rock star au #fics by Rev

120 notes · View notes