#she is a massive shitlord sometimes

[raviniaraven]

This is a PSA directed at anyone dealing with bad mental illness stuff right now, but specifically if you're in Canada because I am livid and I need to say some stuff.

I'm not going to say any of the "just keep trying" and "it just takes a lot of time and effort" because I know when I was in a bad depressive episode that would have just pissed me off. Like, no shit it takes effort, telling someone that's trying their hardest to keep trying sounds insulting. It implies you don't think they're doing everything they can. I know, because I've felt that more times than I can count.

It took me ten years to get the right medication cocktail to get my depression under control. I have severe depression, and it takes the form of manic spikes that crash into depressive slumps over the course of a few hours at a time. During these spikes I would lash out at people, scream, break shit, and then when I slumped I would curl in on myself, cry until I vomited, and attempt suicide. I was in the hospital multiple times a month in 2018. Then I had a heart surgery, got kicked out of UofM, and that threw me into a spiral where I ended up in the hospital a few more times for severe attempts. At least one of the attempts I made, I can't remember the first day I was in the hospital because I was dealing with the effects of taking a massive amount of diphenhydramine; I remember looking at a hospital blanket and breaking down crying because I thought it was my dead dog, that's it. I was in two different IRTS programs (a three month residential program) that ended with me back in the hospital, after one of which a doctor told me I just wanted attention. The only reason I didn't end up back after the third IRTS I went to is because it didn't require group therapy sessions while I was there (they were provided but optional), and what helped me at first was just having a stable place to eat and sleep without any obligation. While I was there I found out about a longer term Assisted Living home where I would live in a house with a few other people and a nurse that would make sure I took my meds and got three meals a day.

Assisted Living literally saved my life. I spent three years in a house with a nurse on staff that just made sure I was eating regularly and taking my meds, and I still had bad spikes. I found an as-needed medication that helped get me out of the manic without hitting the slump, but when that slump hits unaccompanied I still don't have a way out of that. Without the manic it's less common, but it definitely still hits me sometimes. When I was at this place, someone made sure I made all my appointments and I found a good psychiatrist after a long series of horrible. I switched meds a few more times, stopped one because it was wrecking my kidneys, got the highest dose of another. I'm at the point where I can communicate my side effects and symptoms with my doctor and she listens and adjusts things accordingly. She checks up, regularly suggests therapy even though I say I don't want it but she doesn't push the issue, and she genuinely cares, which is something I don't think is as common, unfortunately.

I just got my own apartment this summer. I'm on disability and subsidized rent, but it's a nice place. I got a cat as an ESA and he's a little Shitlord but I love him. I'm drawing again and actually feeling confident occasionally. I still have days when I feel like shit, like I'm leeching resources and taking up space, but it's gotten so much easier to react to those now that it's not a constant struggle just to live. I'm still in the middle of recovery and I'll probably never not be depressed, but I'm almost functional. I've visited friends and gotten back in touch with people I pushed away.

If I had been given the option in 2018-2019 to have a medically assisted death, I would have taken it enthusiastically. I wanted to be dead. I wanted to go to sleep and just never get up again. But I can't stress enough that this would have been an unfixable mistake. I would never have become who I am today, and I know that sounds cheesy AF but I can't think of a way to phrase it other than "I wouldn't be sitting in a comfy armchair that one of my neighbors gave me for free, drinking tea while my cat watches the snow". I wouldn't have this moment of silent comfort and independence that seemed unreachable four years ago.

I won't tell anyone to live for someone else. I know my mom would have been heartbroken, my sister would have had my death added to her own depression, my cat wouldn't have been adopted and cared for. My depression tells me that anyone I benefit would be better in some way if I weren't there making their lives harder. I'm gonna give the advice that I follow: live selfishly. Live for yourself in whatever way makes you comfortable. The most content I've been is just when I started doing things directly for myself; it was usually the path of least resistance to sleep until noon, eat junk food, binge YouTube. It was also the path of least resistance to let well-meaning people help me; the assisted living I was at let me sleep and watch YouTube all day but still said "hey take your meds and eat, we won't force you if you say no but you'll have an African grandma giving you the Look and nice people checking how you're doing if it's a pattern." There were people I lived with that barely ate, skipped half of their meds, and went out to get high every other weekend, and the house was someone just providing what we really needed in that moment: a place to rest where someone said "I care about what happens to you, but I won't try to change your decision."

I won't try to change anyone's decision, because I know I don't have any influence over that. I won't tell you it gets better, because if I'm honest sometimes it gets so much worse. But I will say that I care about what happens to you, any and all of you, because I know what that feels like and it sucks. It sucks a lot. What I needed may not be what you need, but I care and so I'm sharing what worked for me and hoping it works for someone else.

Try to find a place where you have stability, where you can eat and sleep and aren't around awful people. I got a mental health case worker during one of my hospital stays, and she helped me get into the IRTS programs and the Assisted Living home. She got me set up on Disability so that I could receive SSI and EBT, and she made sure I filled out forms and applied for benefits.

Find a doctor that cares, and tell them exactly what you're feeling at every turn so that they can work with you. I had a doctor tell me, fresh from an overdose, that I just wanted attention. I had another tell me I needed to "stop making a habit of coming to the hospital" and another said "if someone wants to die, they'll find a way". This made me so much worse for so long because I believed them. If even my doctors didn't think I was worth helping, what did that mean for me? But I've found a good doctor, and it took me a long time to find her, and she has helped me so much by just giving me genuine optimism when I needed it. Not platitudes or inspirational quotes, just "your brain chemicals are firing wrong, let's find out how to get them to fire right." Because at least for me, that's what it is: my brain is firing off all sorts of chemicals and the balance is all wrong unless I take medication that gets it to even out. I get stressed from therapy because I can acknowledge an irrational feeling but it doesn't change the feeling, if anything it emphasizes it. But if I look at it as "the machine in my head needs certain juices, just like my heart or my kidneys, and since I'm not making them I need store bought" then it's actually effective. There's not a dopamine pill out there, it's all trying different ones to see which causes it to be produced. And in my case, so many of them didn't.

I meant to type a short little thing and I've been writing this for at least half an hour. I want to put what I'm thinking into words and I'll be honest, I don't know the best way to do that. I'm just so disgusted at the idea of a doctor looking at mental health and thinking that there is no way for that person to live. It's so harmful to a person going through severe depression to say that their harmful thoughts are right, and that's what a doctor assisting a depressed person's suicide is doing. They aren't ending pain, they're giving up on treating a condition.

If you really want to do something like that, I can't talk you out of it and I won't try. A few years ago, I would have wanted the same thing. But I'm glad that I had people genuinely care about me, a lot of them strangers, when I didn't care about myself. And that's all I can really offer.

I care. Every time I hear about someone going through this, I care. And I hope you can find a way to care about yourself the same or more than a trans man in Minnesota you've never met.

#idk if any of this post makes sense #im just typing into my phone and trying to convey something i dont know how to phrase #long post #suicide mention #suicide #death mention #all i can offer is a bit of compassion and resources specific to the Minneapolis Hennepin County area

[k-scourgestrike]

Innocent or Guilty

A smirk curves the dried, cracked edges of the undead elf’s lips as she runs through the questions. She begins in a tone as dry as burnt toast, deeming that whoever made up the list well and truly deserves what she is going to answer.

Asked someone to marry you? — “No. My husband in life - and also in death, since he was the one who killed me and offered us both to the Scourge - did the asking.”

Kissed one of your friends? — “I might have, when I was spry, young, and living. Who really remembers that far into their youth, especially after death?”

Danced on a table in a bar / tavern? — “Everyday. Corvus our Grandmaster Siegesmith enjoys his off duty bartendering, and we death knights enjoy a tipple, as the humans call it.” Does she say this with a straight face? Yes, she does.

Ever told a lie? — “Never.” A beat, as she stares at you emptily. “Do you believe me?”

Had feelings for someone you can’t have? — “I don’t recall such a thing.”

Ever kissed someone of the same sex? — “I don’t recall this either. Does the sex of the individual matter, truly?”

Kissed a picture? — “I suppose Thearys is as dead as one. Take it in what sense you will.”

Slept until 5pm? — Her undead blue stare is cold as she leans on her ghastly runeblade. “I sleep too much in general. Can you not tell?” Her reverberating voice is deadpan, and may be dripping with sarcasm.

Worked at a fast food chain / restaurant — “I have no idea what that is. I have fed scraps of rotting flesh to the ghouls sometimes. Does that count?”

Stolen something? — “Souls. Lives. Bodies. Other undead minions. Saronite. It is routine by now, you do understand this, don’t you?”

Been fired from a job? — “No. I have, in both cases, resigned.” Her smirk widens, cruel and cutting.

Done something you regret? —  "Would I be Ebon Blade if I hadn’t?”

Laughed until something you were drinking came out of your nose? — “Not that I recall. I don’t actually need to drink, you know?”

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? — “Probably. I spent much time in Northrend. Everyone ended up with snow or snowflakes somewhere somehow.”

Sat on a roof top? — "Certainly. We do fly on our skeletal gryphons, or reanimated drakes, or even horses - do not ask me how the last one works. At some point we might have had to land on battlements, and do more than battle. Sitting and waiting? Quite possible.”

Kissed someone you shouldn’t have? — “Mister Bigglesworth. As a form of mockery back on Naxxramas.”

Sang in the shower? — “Maybe when I was alive. I did more than sing in the shower, I am sure. Including actually washing myself.”

Been pushed into a body of water with all your clothes on? — “Again when I was alive, probably. These are minor details that are no longer relevant. Nobody pushes me into any body of water now.”

Shaved your head? —  “No, though I can see the appeal of what they call an ‘undercut’.”

Made a boyfriend / girlfriend cry? — “Likely someone else’s. All it takes is a look, or just being there.”

Shot a gun? — "No. We did not have guns in Quel’Thalas before the Fall, and I never had to reach for one since then.” 

Still loved someone you shouldn’t? — The smirk of her lips turns into a derisive sneer. “I had that capability erased from me a long time ago. Even if it hasn’t been eradicated, I wouldn’t tell you.”

Have / had a tattoo? — “Yes. Can’t see why it is something to be guilty about, however.” 

Liked someone, but will never tell who? — “Nonsense. I openly admire Tirion Fordring. The man had guts. A shame the Deathlord failed to retrieve his body.”  

Been too honest? — “My brain is not yet so rotten, but I am supremely capable of overly honest honesty, if that is what you like.”

Ruined a surprise? — “I might have. Who knows, at this juncture.”

Been told that you’re beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? — “I was married for a millennium, to someone who wanted me to share undeath with him. I’ll let you work out the complicated logic that is the answer to this question, yes?”

Stalked someone? —  “Of course. Not that I am guilty of it. It is simply what I am required to do sometimes.”

Thought about murder? — “Have you heard of something called the Eternal Hunger?”

How about mass murder? — “See my previous answer.”

Cheated on someone? —  “I betrayed Arthas at Light’s Hope. Does that count?”

Gotten so angry that you cried? — “I might have when I was alive. These days, I don’t become so angry that I cry. I commit mass murder instead. Against enemies of course.”

Tried to stay away from someone for their own good? — For the first time in the entirety of answering this banal questionnaire, the death knight’s eyes narrow, sadistic humour gone. “Yes.”

Thoughts about suicide? — “I might have, but I am not telling you.”

Had a girlfriend / boyfriend? — “Never.” The deadpan expression and tone are returned, though without its previous edge.

Gotten totally drunk during a holiday?  - “I don’t remember. I was probably too young anyway.”

Tagged by @gravekeeper-anna​ -- muchas gracias <3

Tagging @duraxxor​ @dorylory​ @malvina-mortimer​ @asharinhun​ @roselyn-ravenblade​ @rykhafirehand​ @silvertonguedaggermaw​ @unabashedrebel​ @selinasong​  @monster-of-master​ @camsyn @arcane-fire and anyone who wants to do this!

#memes #about k #lol #she is a massive shitlord sometimes

[humandisastersquad]

i hate that my brother can target my insecurities so well and make me doubt that dad was abusive because his head is stuck so far up his arse and is in so much denial that dad could cause harm like he did. and he did. dad WAS abusive. he hit us both frequently (and yes, smacking counts as hitting, taylor, it’s all physical contact that causes pain) and screamed and yelled at us. that’s abuse. it’s taken me years to come to terms and acknowledge that it was and how it’s affected me but i still doubt i still feel like im being overly sensitive and exaggerating and that it ‘wasnt that bad’ and other people have worse, which is everything that my brother says yells to me and it gets under my skin so badly.

i have and am trying to cut my dad off permanently but he continues to message me through facebook and email and i take varying amounts of time to respond and sometimes leaving him on read for weeks which my brother continually screams at me for and tries to guilt trip me into responding. he’s now accusing me of making dad suicidal because i didn’t wish him happy fuckign birthday yesterday and don’t talk to him much that general etc and we had a massive argument and i couldnt stop fucking crying bc every time anyone, especially men, raise their voice at me im suddenly 10 years old and trying to make myself as small as possible while my drunk father is screaming at and threatening to hit me so yeah, shitlord, i do have ongoing trauma from what our shitty dad did to us as children, and so do you despite you continually sticking your head in the sand about it, claiming that you ‘got over it’ and that it ‘made you stronger’. no it didnt. it made you aggressive, quick to anger, insecure, two-faced, destructive, anxious, selfish, emotionally constipated, unwilling to acknowledge your faults and work on them, just like dear old dad. 

as for our dad’s mental state, that’s his responsibility. yes, it is important to support people who are suffering (if you are capable) but ultimately, what they do is up to them. it is not my (or my brother’s or anyone’s) responsibility for what dad does with his life, and no amount of guilt tripping will change that. you cannot abuse your children and then expect them to stick with you no matter what. if he needs support, he should utilise professional services instead of relying on his fuckign children that he abused.

yes, mum abused us too. she also smacked us, although much less than dad, and screamed and yelled and gaslit us and that was awful and horrible too. but she at least has acknowledged what she did was wrong and has apologised and has and continues to strive to improve in her behaviour and outlook towards us. while i haven’t completely forgiven her for everything, she at least has made an effort to improve and for that i am willing to forgive and work at our relationship.

on the other hand, i do not owe my father anything. he has proven over and over again that he is unwilling to change or even acknowledge the damage he did to our family and i am not obligated to keep in contact let alone provide emotional support to the person who has caused the most amount of pain and suffering in my life. what he did to me and my brother was inexcusable. we were children. he was an adult and had complete and utter power over us and he chose over and over again to use that power to hurt us.

#ghjsdgfj this is all over the place but i just. needed to get it out #abuse cw #child abuse cw #suicide cw #shitty family blogging

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #205

forget picking song lyrics, i’m going the hell to bed now.

Do you live by yourself? I live with my mom. Do you like cleaning? Does anyone???? Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? I've never watched the series; not even a single movie, actually. So I don't have an opinion. Do you watch PewDiePie? Extremely rarely. He's funny, but I'm not interested in his channel's content anymore. Do you like "Despacito?" My sister showed it to me once when she learned I'd never heard it, and I found zero appeal in it whatsoever. Do you play Pokemon Go? It's a brilliant idea, and I really do wish I could play it, but here where I live, there are like ZERO PokeStops (where you get Pokeballs), even in cities, so it's pretty much impossible. Did you ever color your hair pink? No. Do you like Dr. Phil? I don't watch the show and don't know him as a person. Do you prefer to be inside or outside? Inside. Do you eat meat? Sadly. I'm HOPEFULLY quitting when I get to the weight I want; I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed when I was vegetarian to where my body was desperately clinging to what it had or something like that (basically, my weight wouldn't budge in a couple of months), but even still, I don't know if I could do it without depriving myself again. I'm just such a picky eater. Do you need to do the dishes? Yeah. Not desperately, but. Are you scared of clowns? No. Do you have any subscribers on YouTube? *checks* A very impressive 66. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. Do you salt your popcorn? Yes. Do you like McDonald's? Don't even lie to me, you'll eat there. I don't mind it at all. Do you have a Steam account? Yes. Do you like gaming? Not as much as I used to, but yes. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No. I don't consider jumpscares to be genuinely "scary," but rather a natural reaction to surprise, but FNAF's are intense, and I know they'd have me jumping like crazy. That aside, the games aren't of my personal appeal to actually play (though it's a fun game to watch). Do you like horror movies? Yes. Do you like chicken nuggets? I love me my chicken nuggies hunty. Have you ever tried Akinator? Yes. Can you twerk? I don't know and don't care to. Do you like dabbing? It looks stupid to me. The meme of it makes me laugh, though. What was the last country you visited? I've never left the country. Do you know your phone number? No, actually. It is incredibly difficult for me to memorize sequences, and besides, it's not like I give out my number almost ever. Do you swear in front of children? No. What’s your opinion on Brexit? Shit, I don't even remember what it's about. So obviously I can't have an opinion. It doesn't affect me, anyway. If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? N/A When you cook a dish that has beans in it, do you prefer to use canned or dry beans? I don't cook, and you'll never see me willingly eat a bean. What were some fun experiments you did in science class as a kid? The two that sharply stand out to me are dissecting an owl pellet in elementary and a frog in middle school. Both were SO cool. What was the last strong emotion you felt? Excitement. After finishing a bowl of cereal, do you drink the leftover milk? Only ever if it's Cinnamon Toast Crunch that I ate. And even then, only sometimes. Do you use dry shampoo between washes? No. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? Overdosing. What’s the most severe allergic reaction you’ve ever had to something? Nothing severe, besides pollen allergies flaring up. What’s your favorite sub-genre of rock? Hard. Who was the last person to get frustrated with you, and why? Mom, but she was more than frustrated. We were having a serious fight about her attitude towards Dad and his wife. What’s something that makes absolutely zero sense to you? Anti-vax shitlords. What’s your phone background? Lock screen is Darkiplier, home screen is Sara kissing my forehead. :'> Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. Do you have a fitness tracker? No. What types of animals have you had as pets? A billion cats, dogs, snakes, lizards, rats, gerbils, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish, box turtles, hermit crabs... and probably more. How well do you understand economics? Have you ever taken an econ class? Not well at ALL. I had one my senior year. What was the last fruit you ate? I had two bites out of a watermelon 'cuz I was really hungry, but we didn't really have anything as a snack. (I fast daily, so I have to watch when my meals are.) I'm not a big watermelon fan, but I hadn't tried these cubes before, and at least it was something. Can you remember your first day of school? I believe I can very faintly... very faintly. I think I had a complete breakdown because of my insane separation anxiety regarding my mom, or it was the complete opposite... alskdfjaweiajr it's like I can kinda see it in the back of my head, but it's super blurry. What’s your favorite movie? The Lion King. It was my favorite as a kid and became so again as an adult just truly acknowledging how damn good and meaningful it is. Plus the soundtrack was a banger. Would you rather jump out of an airplane or go scuba diving? Scuba diving. Do you get bored looking at other peoples’ holiday pictures? Eh. If it's a whole lot, yes, but as a photographer, I enjoy noting which ones I like and why I favor them. Do you give money to charity? Not currently, no. I have no money to give. When I do have a paying job, I plan on definitely donating any time Mark does a charity stream. Are you more into music or movies? Music, easily. When was the last time you went to a swimming pool? WOW. It's been years. Either when I still lived in the apartment or once at Colleen's in-laws', I can't remember which was last. Would you rather have a pet snake or a pet turtle? I have a snake, and I'll take another for sure. Have you ever seen a band live? Who was the last you saw? Just Alice Cooper. Ma and I are seeing Ozzy next year (if the poor man ain't dead), tho!!!! And he's gonna be with Judas Priest and Megadeth. We are NOT going to survive. Do people who use massive amounts of emoticons annoy you? Yes. Emojis, more specifically. If you're writing a sentence and you use an emoji after each and every goddamn word, it drives me up a wall. What was the last clothing item you bought? Underwear, I believe? Or a bra? What does your washing powder smell like? Idk. Normal? Do you have a dishwasher or do you do dishes by hand? By hand, which I cannot explain how much I loathe. It feels disgusting. Are there any cobwebs in your room? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever used a pick-up line and had it work? Ew, I'd never use one to begin with. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No to both. The current modelling industry is so, so harmful. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Like around two years ago, I remember going on a mass destruction episode of those super old things, as they embarrassed me horribly, even though I know it had no real reason. Just everything I create embarrasses me. My mom has old school stuff, though. Who did you last have an argument with? Mom today. When was the last time you cooked for yourself? If you include putting things in the microwave with few steps... not that long ago. Maybe two days back. Do you have a safe? Mom does. When was the last time you saw a relative? Mooonths ago when Grammy and her husband were driving through. My brother and his son are visiting real soon, though!! Do you shout out the answers at quiz shows? Yes, lol. Have you ever been in a TV audience? I've been to like three-four hockey games, so yeah. Have you ever entered the lottery? Won anything? No. Well, Mom or Dad would rarely get those scratch-off tickets at random, but the most we've ever got was just like five bucks or so. Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Have you ever drawn on a wall in your house? No. Do you like making collages? No. Have you ever kept a scrapbook? Yeah. What’s your favorite video-game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus. Sigh, I want a PS4 SO bad to get the SotC remaster. I actually teared up when I saw the opening cutscene for the first time, and I just marveled through the EEEEEEENNNNtire playthrough I watched. It's unbelievable. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? Not off the top of my head. I'm tired, don't make me think. Have you ever made up a word? Well, as a writer, I've made up names and places. A word itself, I don't think so. Do you get nervous speaking to people you don’t know on the phone? VERY!!!!!!!! Are you scared of anything irrational? You mean like, half my fears? Do you have a passport? What’s the picture like? No. Have you ever had a full fringe? (bangs) As a kid I did. Is there anything you would never admit to liking? Don't think so. What’s the weirdest craze you can remember? Fidget spinners. Do you use bug spray or fly swatters? Fly swatters. Then we also have this hanging cylindrical sticky... thing that flies and gnats are apparently attracted to with the smell, I guess. Works like magic, though I agree it's pretty cruel. Just stuck there until you die. Are you a clumsy person? Boy, am I. Do you have tiled floors in your house? In three rooms. Do you listen to any movie soundtracks regularly? No. Do you bruise easily? Way too easily. Like normally something simple won't leave behind an obvious one, but even a normal poke in the arm hurts a lot and leaves the spot sore for a good while. I was tested for anemia, but apparently, I don't have it. What would you love to learn to do? Play the electric guitar. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Ehhh... lemurs as far as cute goes, monkeys overall. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot. Do you have any phone charms on your mobile? No. What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? That's a big 'ole honkin' nope. Last time you puked from drinking? Never. Have you ever gotten drunk and danced on a bar? No. What is your favorite simple ice-cream flavor? Vanilla. Though sometimes I prefer chocolate. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? Only for dinner. I forgot the science behind it, but one of my meds for bipolarity only works to its full effect after ingesting at least 350 calories; I only get about a 20% effectiveness of the medicine when eating less. I know it sounds weird, but my psychiatrist is a goddamn genius, and I trust every word that comes out of his mouth. When was the last time you slept on the floor? Two years ago when I was living with Colleen and I didn't have a blow-up mattress yet. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? When???????????????? do I?????????????? not???????????????????????????????????? Do you wear flip-flops? That's pretty much all I wear just about year-round... I remember in 7th grade, one of my teachers asked me about it a lot and I just told her I didn't mind the cold, which was true. Pretty sure she thought I was lying and was too poor to buy new clothes or something, as she gifted me socks one day, which I thought was incredibly sweet. I miss my 7th grade teachers. Best school year. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Pretty sure my niece Aubree when saying bye. What is your favorite sauce to eat with spaghetti? Normal Prego sauce, I think. Have you ever seen a magic show? A little one as a kid. When was the last time you vomited and why? Months and months ago when I was testing a medication. Quit that shit real fast, as it made me sick so many times. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? Uhhh I eat in my bed usually, lmao. We almost never sit at the table. I normally do if Mom's there, though. How often do you get headaches? Ugh, often. Why did you call the last person you called? I was calling back about my job application that I was supposed to hear about yesterday. How many windows are in the room you’re in? Two. Do you have Facebook friends that you’ve never actually met? Yes. When was the last time you had your photo taken professionally? Not since senior pictures, pretty sure. I hated how it came out. I have a lazy eye when I smile, gah. How long does it take you to get to school or work? Currently N/A. Let’s say you had a baby with the last person you kissed? We're both female, so. And neither of us want kids anyway. When was the last time you completely broke down? A couple weeks ago in a totally random and severe panic attack. Do you have someone you can spill your heart out to? Yeah. Is there a person that you would do absolutely anything and everything for? No. I'm not gonna, say, murder someone just because they want me to. What’s something you really want right now? To go and get my tattoo cleaned up by a more professional artist alsdkjfalwei. I got the approximate cost, I just have to wait until I can afford it. This tattoo is so so so important to me and it needs to be perfect. What is your relationship status? Taken. What was the longest time you’ve wasted on a certain person? Not even two weeks lmao. I said yes to dating mostly out of fear of hurting his feelings, and he QUICKLY proved he was NOT for me. Are you listening to music right now? Yeah, my iTunes is on shuffle. Anyone you would like to get things straight with? I wouldn't want to be friends I don't think, but I REALLY want to see Jason one final time to tell him how sorry I am. I recently acknowledged just how fucked up I treated him after the breakup; he wasn't the only one who made mistakes. I sure as hell did. He deserves to hear it badly. I do believe our last talk was a good ending, but I feel me finally admitting that I fucked up would be the perfect one. What was the best thing that happened to you today? Seeing Dad for his birthday. When was the last time you did something for the first time? I talk-talked to some WoW friends a couple days ago, though very very briefly. I couldn't figure Discord push-to-talk out and I ended up panicking lmao. What color are the last new pair of pants that you bought? Black. Is your room clean? I should dust and vacuum, but the latter doesn't currently work. List all the countries you’ve visited.  I've never left America. At what age would you allow your kids to dye their hair? Shit, whenever they wanted tbh. So long they sounded serious about it and it wasn't just a brief episode of "oh this would be cool." Which fast food place do you eat at the most? Hm. Wendy's or Sonic. When was the last time you weren’t lonely? Jesus fucking Christ, who knows. What kind of movies do you like? Horror, fantasy, Disney/kids' films, comedies, rom coms, and emotionally moving ones. Bats are not spooky or are they? They're adorable, omg. Do you think blue is a gay color? Fuck off. What's your opinion on gays? Fuck off harder. Do you like the song "Womanizer"? Don't even talk to me if you don't. Where is your favorite place to get fries? You can't live your fullest life without having Bojangle's fries at least once. Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? Idk. Have you ever made your own pie from scratch? No. Who was the last person you had an in-depth conversation with? Sara. What was the last fast food item you ate? A hot dog. What is your favorite gaming console? You know PS2 was the best, you know it. What was the last major city you visited? Raleigh, if that even counts. Do you always have a stock of alcohol in your house? No. Have you ever had a pumpkin latte and if so, did you like it? I hate everything pumpkin-flavored. Is there an antique store in your town or city? I think so... Have you ever been to a baby shower? My sister's. Maybe others', but idr. Do you know anyone who has been to rehab? Pretty sure yes. How many romantic relationships have you been in so far? Genuinely "romantic" ones, two. Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? I am 99% sure I am the pickiest human being to ever live. Have you ever lived in a house with a pool in the yard? Not a built-in one. What color is your toothbrush? Blue. Do you have gluten intolerance or know anyone who does? I know a few people. Have you ever slept in a car overnight? No. Have you ever fainted? Yes. Do you avoid conflict as much as possible? YUP. Do you like ice cream cake? I'm not a big fan. Have you ever made out with someone of the same sex? Yes. Where is your second home!? The place I'm second-most comfortable is probably Sara's. What song always makes you sad? I avoid listening to "The Mortician's Daughter" by Black Veil Brides unless I just really, really want to hear it. I always tear up due to memories. Have you ever played a game that required removing your clothes? No. Where is your favorite place to be kissed? Breasts and neck. Were you mean as a little kid? No. Who was the last person you hung out with? Dad. What is your mother’s name? Donna. What is your favorite song at the moment? I've been in true love with a heavy metal cover of "Invincible" from the WoW soundtrack for like a full month. What day will you never forget? The breakup night. Suicide attempt. My niece and nephew being born. Meeting Sara. Getting Teddy. First time hanging out at Jason's. 16th birthday. Alice Cooper concert. Putting Dale and Cali down. There's a lot. What was the last thing you took a picture of? Some crazy shit on FB to show Sara. Something you're looking forward to? Getting a goddamn job. What is God teaching you right now? Lul. What does Notre Dame Cathedral mean to you, and how has its fire affected you? I was devastated to hear about it; it was the one event that actually got me paying attention to the news. It is a monument of incredible art and history, and for Catholics, a house of their god. I am so thankful the damage wasn't too tremendous. What’s the last dumb decision you made that you beat yourself up over? I dunno. Surprisingly. What’s your favorite version of the Bible to read? N/A If applicable, do you underline verses in your Bible? N/A When was the last time you went to church? Not since Colleen had her extreme Christian phase two years ago. What’s the last song you listened to on repeat? "Radio" by Rammstein. That new album's gonna be bangin'. Does your town’s hospital have a good reputation? NOPE. It sure does not. I have no issue with the psychiatric care unit there, though. Every time I went to the ER for suicidal thoughts or the attempt, they were sweethearts to me. But as far as physical health, they do NOT have a good rep. I know someone's grandfather that nearly fucking died thanks to them, and I can't recall what it was exactly, but Mom had some complaints during her kidney cancer treatment. What is your hometown known for? Crime. Are you longing for and missing a toxic person? I honestly miss Colleen sometimes, but I can't go back to her. I can't. I'm done giving her more chances than she deserves. It was nice to actually have someone to hang out with, but she is just overall not a pleasant person. What’s your greatest longing? Financial stability, probably. Have you ever read a Bible verse and thought, “this isn’t true”? BOY HOWDY- What are you behind on? Being an adult. I am 23 and a SOOOOOORRYYYYYY excuse for one. Is there someone who’s stolen from you and never got caught? Yes. Someone stole our basketball hoop from my childhood home. Have you been lonely for most of your life? Most of my life, no. What color is your sleeping bag? I don’t have one. When was the last time you used a sleeping bag, and what for? When I lived with Colleen and slept on the floor for a bit. Do you live near the woods? Yeah, there's woods across the road. What do you want to be for Halloween this year? List 1-3 ideas. I wanna be the dumb blonde witch from Hocus Pocus, lmao. A pastel vampire would be pretty cool. And Rhett from the "Sleep Tight" video has instilled in me the great desire to be a steampunk toothfairy at least once. List five things people have been jealous of you for. Idk. List five things you have felt jealous of other people for. More than anyone, a friend of many friends' photography success when I can genuinely and modestly say I really think I'm better than her. That is easily the worst envy situation I've dealt with (and still do), as this is the one that is actually almost spiteful, wrong as that is. Then I have another friend who is a FANTASTIC photographer as well and is now a professional one in the fashion industry, I believe. Then there was a girl I went to school with called Cailin whose drawing skills were naturally INCREDIBLE since elementary school, and I remember back then, me and her would always get the most attention for our work, but she did moreso, but I wanted to be the "best" artist. Once I hit high school I just had great respect for her talent. Next, one of my former best friends Hannia was a natural GENIUS that got perfect scores on LITERALLY almost anything; she had the highest GPA in the entire school, while I was right behind her. And uhhhh five... I have been and still am jealous of my sisters for being proper, successful adults. What is your favorite shade of brown? Like a caramel tone, I guess? What color is your toilet seat? White. Would you rather live in an apartment or a house? Definitely a house. What’s one thing you had growing up that you miss now? Energy. Do you prefer kale, lettuce, or spinach? Lettuce. Do you listen to instrumental bands such as Hammock, Trentemoller, etc.? No. Have you ever gotten a manicure or pedicure? Just because my sisters went and Mom wanted me to hang out with them. I may have with my old friend, too. Have you ever self-harmed? Yeah. Never the answer. Do you have any eating disorders? No. I'm afraid of developing one once I (hopefully) get to the weight I want, though. Have you ever met a celebrity? No. Do you like Monster Energy or do you prefer other energy drinks? I hate energy drinks. They taste like poison. Do you plan on getting married? Yeah. Do you want kids? That's a big fat nope. What’s your sexual orientation? I don’t judge. Bisexual. At what time of day do you normally feel the best? The morning. Name one reason why someone should not commit suicide. YOU. CAN. GET. BETTER. Seek professional help if you feel suicidal, and after what I understand is a serious struggle, you truly can go into the light at the end of the tunnel. You've got, to our understanding, one shot at this. Don't end it when there is a possibility for a beautiful future. If you’re unhappy, what would it take to make you fulfilled? Have a job and be in school. Name someone you know who is a cancer survivor. My mom. Are you friends with any cancer survivors? I don't think so. Do you wish the sunrise and sunset lasted longer? Hm. Sunset, maybe. Idk. Name a country whose history you know nothing about. Lmao most. What is your favorite store at the mall? Hot Topic. Do you have a bed or do you sleep on a mattress on the floor? I have a bed. When was the last time you went for a run? Shit, not since high school gym. Do you keep Christmas lights up year-round? No. What did you win a scholarship for? Nowhere. What type of bug do you see the most often in your home? Flies. Do you put off things until the last minute? I tend to. Is your mom the same size as you? No, I'm smaller. Do you know any Christians who aren’t judgmental? No shit. Do you still think of that Gwen Stefani song when you spell bananas? Ha ha yup. Do you like the way your hair naturally is, or do you change it? It's fine. But I want it dyed badly. Do you know anyone who died accidentally by doing something stupid? Yes. How many different languages have you taken in school? Latin and German. How tall is your father? (Estimate?) Idk. Over six feet. Would you meet Miley Cyrus if you had the chance? No. What is your favorite slow song? Oh yeesh. Idk. Maybe "See You On The Other Side" by Ozzy. Do you believe in karma? No. Do you constantly check your cell phone? No. Only Sara or Mom ever text me, and I pick it up just if the green light is blinking (means I have a message). If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? Well yeah. If you could spend 1 hour 20 years in the future, would you? Yes. I want to see where I am, so long as I can change my behavior to improve that future if needed. Otherwise, I don't wanna know. Are your pets asleep? Teddy probably is, Bentley might be, idk where Roman is, but he likely is, I can't see Mitsu from where I am currently, Venus may be (no eyelids, so you never know) as she's in her rock, and Kaiju is awake. Have you ever wished you were an only child? Never. Have you ever hurt someone on purpose? Yes. Have you ever gotten hurt while sledding? No. Do you enjoy going through old pictures? It depends on the subject of them and my mental state. Kid pictures I'm always up for, high school ones are okay, though they can make me really upset with how healthy and skinny I was, and I deleted all photos I had on Facebook of Jason and me last year so I couldn't even risk looking at them ever again, as there's a good chance some would trigger my PTSD. Of all your exes, who do you think you had the deepest feelings for? Jason, obviously. Do you tend to have a lot of drama in your life? I have the most uneventful, bland life. No. When’s the last time someone was disappointed in you? Idk. What song are you listening to right now? Is this one of your favorite songs? "Alone I Break" by Korn. No, but I love it. What is something you have to explain a lot? My sweating issue. Gross to talk about, but I sweat seriously excessively, like you would not believe. It can be 70 degrees and I'll be sweating in seconds. People worry about it, and in VR, I've had to explain it so many times due to it affecting suitable jobs (I think we can all agree being drenched in sweat at work looks extremely bad). Hopefully I won't have to anymore when my doctor decides what to do about it. It's most likely a thyroid issue, which I have no clue about how to subdue symptoms of. There's really a shitload I have to explain lately between doctors and VR... Which compliment do you receive the most? From those that know me/see me, that I'm losing weight. From people in general, "I love your hair" or something like that. Who were you last on the phone with? My sister. What is one thing you have always wondered? Uh. Idk. I'm sure there's a lot, just nothing's coming to me atm... What do your friends think about the music you listen to? Your family? My friends and I like similar stuff, as do my parents, especially Mom. My sisters are the total opposite of me and don't enjoy metal and the like at all. Has anyone ever told you to grow up? Essentially. Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? Hell no. How many true friends do you have? Excluding family and my girlfriend as they're more than that, like... one or two, it feels like most of the time. Can you honestly say you’re happy right now? No. What is something you are exceptionally bad at? Doing math in my head or spelling up there. AND READING LIPS. Do you have a house phone? No. Who do you love more than anyone right now? Don't make me choose between Mom and Sara. How much money do you have saved up? I literally have $11. Do you like bright/neon colors? Yes, but I prefer pastel. What is your favorite wild animal? Meerkats. Do you ever eat breakfast? I almost always do. Do you remember who your first grade teacher was? Yes. Have you ever won any trophies? What for? Yeah, for A honor roll all through elementary school (save for 5th grade; I got one B and was so upset, lmao), then in all kid sports I played, everyone got lil ones, some from dance I believe, and I think there's one or two others I'm not thinking of...

#survey #quiz #questions #random

[thanidiel]

You're gonna hate me but idgaf all even numbers for Thanidiel.

kys

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

A lot of her titles are all honestly self-evident as fuck - Knight-Champion, Emberward, etc. She DOES have a moniker I’ve written in her history and is present in the TSG wiki - The Terror of Zeb’Alor. She burned down an entire troll settlement for a raid on her outpost that ended with civilian deaths when she was uhhh 19. It’s a reference to the brutality she displayed and also a bit of a joke from the Ranger-Captain that ran the outpost because he refers to her a little Terror/absolutely obnoxious shit.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

Thanidiel loved her father and he was her role model. Very valiant soldier. She does NOT get along with her mother and they are no longer on speaking terms.

This will not come up in roleplay ever but Thanidiel’s actually a bastard-child of her mother’s. She’s served with her bio-father in Dominion and they both put the clues together there. Her bio-father she thinks is a stupid, irresponsible piece of shit and she hates that her mother ‘betrayed’ someone (her father) that she thinks is the absolute bees-knees (especially since this was found out well-after her dad died)

A bad memory would, hands-down, be Thanidiel confronting bio-father + her mother during that time. A good memory would be something carefree, along the lines of hunting alongside her father and their comrades in the wilderness.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

Thanidiel is an uneducated shitlord. She never went to school but she did teach herself how to read and write starting around 15 and worked at it super religiously to reach the vocabulary, penmanship, etc., that she does today. She knows a high-enough level of mathematics for military-logistics that she’s picked up over the decades as well. History and basic magical theory is something she’s picked up on by listening or nosing for information in the way she usually does.

Everything else, she can mildly extrapolate upon since she’s pretty observational + smart by her own right or she just outright asks people because she isn’t very embarrassed by it with the basics down.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals?

No pets as a child. She likes animals a lot in her own reserved way.

As an adult, she’s had multiple horses of different stocks for various utilities. She’s also had a pair of two hunting mastiffs at one point before the Second War hit Quel’thalas. She’s probably mildly considering a dog or two again.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

Thanidiel is neutral towards children though nice enough. Children seem to be okay with her from roleplaying interactions I’ve had lmao. She’s probably be a shitty caretaker; very emotionally neglectful, likely.

12. What is their favourite food?

Sausage rolls! Delicious and a very rare treat for her relatively when she forages a lot of food or relies on rations. She’s happy to fill herself on them if baked goods are around.

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?

I’ve headcanoned food-related stuff by Thanidiel a lot. It comes up in roleplay sometimes; I imagine that working for so many years as an outrider to really inhospitable places in the Outlands lends to starvation a lot of the time.

It’s come up as a specific memory a few times in rp that she’s had to eat snake, blood and all, from under rocks in Hellfire as a way to keep going + hydrated. This lends to her being very indiscriminate with food usually and having tour-goggles for kinda shit cooking because she’s just happy to not be starving - such as overly moist rice.

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it?

This isn’t so much a collection but I feel like it applies; as I’ve mentioned to you before, Thanidiel… logs every single day of her life since she was like, 14-15. She probably fills out another journal every 2/3s of a year and it ends up in this massive collection in a closet somewhere.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

Thanidiel does not participate in really any artistic activities like this. However, I imagine she knows quite a few songs from war in elven and human cultures and she doesn’t hate it. She’ll join in.

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

No.

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

Thanidiel doesn’t exactly bitch but she will say outright where she stands with someone and doesn’t care about making sure it’s positive or negative to anyone that asks/it comes up.

She usually insults people for being cowardly or hypocritical. For specific insults… it’s kind of tailored to the person. She calls cowardly people candy-asses, @dorksworn she refers to Caeliri as a ‘Cherub,’ which isn’t that positive lmao, Bricini, a ‘brat,’ etc..

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

No snoring, on her back. She prefers hard/firmer mattresses. I imagine her sleep schedule to be a bit similar to mine in that she will wake up periodically (more out of paranoia) every 1-2 hours until about 6:00 AM or maybe even 8:00 AM on a ‘lazy day.’

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions?

Placid, calm. Quieter. Her happiness is something that expresses itself along the lines of the way that a bull or an old dog will express its contentment.

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

Honestly I really can’t think of any situation that would scare Thanidiel or imagine what she would be like scared. A situation can unsettle her, make her sad, angry, etc., but I don’t think she’d feel tangible fear.

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?

She tries to exercise every morning. Go figure. She’s about the same regardless but I imagine if she goes a while without exercise she kind of dies a little spiritually from how antsy she gets; people saw this a little bit when she was in and out of the Infirmary for a while.

32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?

Masculine dress; vests, trousers, shirts, tunics, boots, etc., is her preference. She’s honestly surprisingly classy and gets everything fitted at expensive-ass tailors if it’s like… her social wardrobe. The sleeveless shirts, tunics and trousers etc she wears on deployment or otherwise not fancy-ass activities are just as grungy as could be imagined.

She wears tunics or nothing to sleep. Her hair is almost always in a quick bun. If it’s out of the bun, it’s really curled from the containment.

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?

I place her at a 160-170lb range. 5’10. Think Serena Williams type of physique. She doesn’t consider her body much and thus doesn’t have any body-image opinions. It’s her. She’s fine with that.

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?

She’s an alright singer. Won’t offend people’s ears. For hobbies… she hunts. She probably whittles shit from time to time. Fighting. She’s good at sewing and fletching. Likes to go horse-riding.

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had?

Thanidiel respects strength, pragmatism and self-confidence above all, probably obviously. Maybe less obviously, she really, really, really enjoys irreverence from other people.

I find it hard to consider on if there’s any talents she wishes she had. She’s pretty happy with herself and her capabilities as a person. She’d probably like to be better with a bow than she is; she can hit something but that’s all that can be said.

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

Thanidiel has no need for stimulants along those lines. She only drinks from Bricini’s flask because it annoys the other woman, to be quite honest. Or she can’t be assed to get water.

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

TO DEFEND AND SUPPORT THE AGENDA OF QUEL’THALAS TO HER DYING BREATH THROUGH ANY MEANS POSSIBLE AS SEEN FIT BY THE THALASSIAN STATE, OR OTHERWISE HERSELF REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

On a side note, she has had a bit of a goal going on to do honor to those that were once close to her. I’m still feeling out how she feels about it now especially after @stormandozone ‘s tarot reading.

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most?

Answered in another prompt you’ve sent me.

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?

Thanidiel either makes the first impression of being an absolute fucking asshole to the mega-max or of being a storybook image of a soldier. Both of these first-impressions suit her quite well.

Along these lines, she will either introduce herself in a very gallant fashion via letter or in the aftermath of an heroic deed, in a completely impetuous fashion such as her introduction to @azriah ‘s Kaltaia, or completely bully your character if there’s something about them that she doesn’t like.

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend?

Thanidiel doesn’t really like parties but how she feels about individual ones is a hit or a miss. She’s very used to the song and dance of them though since she’s probably forced to attend a military gala at least once a year. She stands to the side usually and will rarely dance unless asked/expected to. If there are any competitions or debates, however, that’ll draw her attention right-fast.

If she’s there with comrades, she’ll stick to them. If she comes alone/is separated, she’ll turn on a gregarious switch for a bit to find some entertainment for herself.

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

Hand-and-a-Half Sword

Saxe Knife

Waterskin

Extra Boots

Fur Cloak

Flint and Tinder

Rope

Triage Kit

@jessipalooza

#ask #thanidiel #bricini #caeliri #elleynah #kaltaia #jessipalooza

[docsamurai]

Humans are weird: The training grounds

*Quick note before I start: This is the 5th installment in a series I’ve called the Lost Colonies which is largely about human society adapting to the strange environments of other worlds. You can read the other installments here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed writing this series, but with my new work schedule I had to bring it to a close. If you’ve enjoyed this story follow me on here for my other writings. Thanks again to everyone who has reblogged, liked, replied, DMed, or otherwise shown their appreciation for this series. It means a lot to me that people enjoyed it and the love you’ve all shown me has really helped keep me going for these last few months.*

Alarms blared as Kiara ran through the maze of corridors. “SHITSHITSHIT! Where the FUCK is she?” Boots clanging off the steel floors nearby told her that troops were closing in. Kiara took a deep breath and focused on the noises around her and managed to pick out gunshots echoing down the hall to her right. Turning towards the shots she picked up speed and tore down the hallway. The hot, dry air stung her lungs as she fought to push herself even faster but still the boots closed in. Finally Kiara rounded another corner and almost ran straight into Jeanne.

Jeanne opened her mouth to say something and then she looked over Kiara’s shoulder and instead pinned her to the wall of the corridor. “Give me a second.” Jeanne grunted as she stuck her sidearm out around the corner and fired blindly down the corridor Kiara had just come from. There was the sound of a body hitting the ground and the boots screeched to a halt followed by the electrical hum of an energy barricade. A second later the air was filled with gunshots as the troops opened fire in their direction. Jeanne crouched to lower her profile and kept her back pressed to the wall and gestured for Kiara to follow suit. “So this is turning out more fun than I thought it’d be.” Jeanne yelled over the roar of the gunfire.

Kiara caught her breath as she huddled next to her friend. “FUN?!” Jeanne chuckled “Yeah, I’ve been waiting for these jackasses to do something worth a fight.” Kiara’s jaw dropped in disbelief. “YOU PUNCHED THEIR ENVOY!” Jeanne shrugged and reloaded. “Hold that thought.” Jeanne pulled a fist sized cylinder from her backpack, hit the trigger and threw it down the hallway. The cylinder didn’t even have time to hit the ground before it scanned the hallway, picked the targets and sent a hundred inch long missiles speeding around the energy barricade and into the troopers. Jeanne got up from the floor and helped Kiara to her feet. Jeanne adjusted her gear and handed Kiara a sidearm.

“We should get going. I’ve already signaled for extraction, we just need to make it to the North wall.” “Jeanne there is no ‘North’ here. The magnetic fields are chaotic because of the unstable core. It’s the reason this whole place is a fucking desert!” Jeanne stopped in her tracks. “Shit...” Suddenly bulkheads slammed shut cutting them off in the middle of the corridor. “OK, that could have gone better.” Kiara slumped against the wall. “I can’t fucking believe you sometimes.” Jeanne pulled a cigarette out of a case in her pocket, lit up and took a long drag. “Yeah, I fucked this one up. Sorry. I’ve got a plan though.” 

Jeanne got to work setting up a series of devices around their section of the corridor and Kiara sighed. “It’s not entirely your fault. I wasn’t exactly trying too hard with this group.” Jeanne chuckled “I would have loved to have seen the Commander’s face when you told her that you were married to one of those ‘filthy furballs’.” Kiara smiled. “Yeah, I’m really not sure why the galactic council even wanted to try and reintegrate a faction of the EarthGov military that was still active after all this time.” Jeanne shrugged again and stubbed out her cigarette. “Gotta admit it’s been fun though. We haven’t done anything like this in a long time.”

Kiara shifted her weight as Jeanne leaned against the wall next to her. “Can’t help it really. You’re always off on deployment terraforming dangerous worlds and I’ve spent the better part of 20 sols jumping all over the galaxy. I know I should make more time for my friends.” Jeanne cocked an eyebrow at Kiara “Just friends? You don’t need to make more time for Mr Williams-Venn too?” Kiara shifted again. “It’s not like that. Turic cultures... They don’t exactly-” The sound of the bulkhead creaking open cut Kiara off.

Jeanne sprung up from the wall and hit an activation switch on her wrist, a powerful energy field sprung up in all directions shielding the pair from attack. The bulkhead finally retracted into the ceiling revealing several dozen soldiers outfitted in advanced armor with their weapons trained squarely on Jeanne. Jeanne held up a voice amplifier and yelled down the hall. “I INVOKE ARTICLE 317 OF MIL-SEC CODE AND DEMAND TRIAL BY SINGLE COMBAT!” The soldiers paused and looked at each other before one shouted back. “NAME AND RANK?” Jeanne squared her shoulders and bellowed back “STAFF SEARGENT JEANNE JETT. I AM CHALLENGING AS RANKING OFFICER FOR MY DEPLOYMENT GROUP FOR SAFE PASSAGE IN RETREAT OFFWORLD.”

Kiara held her breath as the soldiers were again silent before they finally shouted back their agreement to Jeanne’s terms. As the soldiers lowered their weapons and approached the shield Kiara whispered to Jeanne “Are you sure about this?” to which Jeanne only replied with her trademarked cocky grin and a wink. Jeanne lowered the shield and the soldiers parted to escort the pair out of the corridors. Despite the fact that there weren’t any identifiable markings and the electromagnetic fields scrambled most communications the soldiers led them through the maze of corridors with ease. Finally they were let out into the harsh blue light of the training yard.

This military outpost had been situated on a rocky, mostly barren world in long orbit around a dying blue supergiant. “Dying” was a relative term as it still had thousands, if not millions of sols before it finally collapsed and in the meantime the incredible heat of the star kept the base within habitable conditions even at such a distance. EarthGov had founded this outpost as a training site centuries earlier and the commander of the outpost had been so fanatical in his devotion to EarthGov that even after they had fallen he continued to train new generations of recruits until his eventual death. From what Kiara could tell, each successive commander had treated the outpost like their own personal fiefdom with each in turn making the decision to purposefully remain hidden from the rest of the galaxy.

The current commander Fortrix stood on a raised platform above the training grounds listening to one of her lieutenants. “So you wish to fight for your freedom? So be it, you’ll face me.” Commander Fortrix stepped down from the platform pulling her jacket and shirt off. At over 2 meters tall and nearly 120 KG the commander looked like wall of solid muscle. Fortrix stood in the harsh blue light, muscles rippling across her massive frame as she stretched and prepared for the fight. Jeanne followed suit, dropping her backpack and dozens of hidden weapons before peeling off her sweat drenched shirt and taking her place in the ceremonial fighting circle that had been hastily scratched into the dirt by the eager soldiers.

Jeanne and Fortrix locked stares and closed to the center of the circle where the height difference became readily apparent with Jeanne standing a full 30cm shorter than her opponent. Fortrix and Jeanne grasped each other’s forearms and slapped a closed fist to their bare chests to sign the verbal contract between the soldiers and they backed away to their respective sides of the ring. The lieutenant blew a horn and Fortrix lunged towards Jeanne. Kiara could barely follow the action as Jeanne pivoted, tried to drive a fist into Fortrix’s temple but Fortrix feinted at the last second and swept Jeanne’s legs out from under her dropping her to the ground. Jeanne rolled to the side avoiding Fortrix’s elbow as she smashed it into the dirt inches from her head and Jeanne countered by kicking off the ground and flipping into the air to drive a knee into Fortrix’s chest.

The soldier’s jeered at Jeanne scoring the first blow but cheered as Fortrix grabbed the knee and threw Jeanne clear to the other side of the ring. Jeanne twisted in midair and landed lightly on her feet and bolted back to the other side of the ring at a speed Kiara had never seen. Fortrix had just gotten back to her feet when Jeanne barreled into her heel first driving all of her momentum into the side of the commander’s knee. Fortrix howled in pain and crumpled to the ground as Jeanne spun using the momentum to her advantage and brought her fist around, slamming it into Fortrix’s temple knocking her senseless. The soldier’s fell silent as just that quickly the fight was over. Jeanne stood in the ring panting heavily as the sweat and blood streamed down her skin. Jeanne looked at Kiara and pointed to her voice amplifier which Kiara quickly tossed to her.

“LISTEN UP SHITLORDS! I HAVE DEFEATED YOUR COMMANDER IN SINGLE COMBAT! BY ARTICLE 317 OF MIL-SEC CODE YOU ARE NOW BOUND TO LET US RETURN TO OUR SHIP!” Kiara groaned to herself and wondered if Jeanne really had to call them “shitlords”. True to their word though, the crowd parted to allow Kiara and Jeanne to collect their equipment and leave as Fortrix was ushered off the field on a stretcher. The main door to the training ground slammed shut behind them and they heard a heavy bolt being slid in place. Diplomatically, this whole trip had been a disaster, but at least they had left alive.

Hours later Kiara was writing up her report back on the jumpship when Jeanne came to her quarters grinning and offering a bottle of Andarian wine. “Hey there. We never got to finish our conversation.” Kiara grabbed some glasses and within a few minutes the two of them were finally managing to relax for the first time in days. “I wasn’t joking earlier. What’s going on with you and Kit’cha?” Kiara sighed. “It’s a Turic thing. They don’t really do marriage the same way as humans. For them it’s weird to have emotional attachment to their mates. Kit’cha makes the effort and I appreciate it, but even after all this time it’s still weird for him so I don’t press it too much. There’s also sex...” Jeanne cocked an eyebrow “Oh?” “Human and Turic biology don’t exactly... mesh... that well. We’ve come to an agreement that if we can find another mate for ‘physical affection’ as he calls it, that as long as they’re OK with being part of this whole mess that neither of us have a problem with that.”

Jeanne coughed and gulped down her wine, her face rapidly turning a shade of crimson that Kiara had never seen on her. “So uh... have you uh... found any, umm, anyone to-” Jeanne trailed off. Kiara, grinning from ear to ear replied “Staff Sergeant Jett, are you asking me what I think you’re asking me?” Jeanne fumbled with her glass and mumbled “I mean, if you’re into that sort-” Jeanne wasn’t able to finish her sentence as Kiara was already kissing her, pressing both of their bodies into the couch. Maybe this mission hadn’t been a total disaster.

#space australia #space orcs #HUMANS ARE WEIRD #The Lost Colonies

[julianafarmer]

1. 9. 7. 14. 17. 20. 24. 25. 29. 32. 35. 40. 42. 46. 50. 86. 91. 94. 100.

Oh boy. You must be in love with me or something. I probably know you. Chicken, just ask me ❤

1: What is the real reason you are confused right now?

I’m confused about a lot of things right now. I’m confused as to why you asked me so many things anonymously. You can totally just message me and ask anything you wanna know. I don’t bite. Not without consent, anyway. But I’m also really confused about a person I really like right now. I like them quite a lot. Kind of an embarrassingly massive crush. I’m not sure how they feel about me, and I’m too afraid to ask or push. They’re pretty aloof and distant sometimes, and I’m someone who needs consistent validation and affection in order to feel secure. I’m confused on whether or not I should hold on and hope things become closer, or cut my losses and not try for a relationship.

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

No. It’s been a little while since I’ve kissed someone. I wish someone would kiss me tonight. I’ll give my address to anyone who wants to come kiss me, damn. I’m a slut for kisses. And cuddles. 

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

Probably cry. A lot. And then immediately harden my resolve to make them miserable. I deserve better and I deserve to be valued. The last person that cheated on me… well… Let’s just say I stole his girlfriend.

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

My fucking self. And I have this friend… She’s pretty much the embodiment of Murphy’s Law. She’s always getting herself into these absolutely awful situations almost daily. I can’t even hang out with her anymore because something tragic happens to ruin it. She owes me money still. She promised she’d pay me back with interest, but that was over a month ago. She hasn’t even said anything about it. 

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

Yes. Falling for someone is really scary for me now because of him. I’m afraid of becoming attached to people now. I’m afraid of falling in love. I don’t trust it because experience has taught me that falling for someone means that I’m going to get fucked over. I hate him so much for ruining my happiness in every relationship since.

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I thought about the three people I care for most right now. My three most important people. My best friend, the person I’m in a relationship with, and the person I’m starting to develop feelings for.

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

Absolutely. @fetishforfresh. I know you’ve left tumblr. Probably forever. And I know you’ve left me. Probably forever too. I pushed you away. I was the shitty friend. All you’ve ever done is shown me love and compassion and kindness. I’m the fuck up. I’ve tried to call you every day and I only get your voicemail. I just wish you would talk to me again. I miss you. I love you. You were my best friend and I fucked up.

25: In the past week, have you cried?

Bitch, I cried yesterday. I cry several times a fucking week.

29: Do you have a best friend?

Yes! I have lots of best friends! But if I had to pick one, I’d say that my absolute bestie of all time is @thereisacactusinsideme. No joke, I wouldn’t be alive without this motherfucker. We’ve had fights, but everyone does. I think it says a lot that we can put our shit aside at the end of the day and realize that we mean too much to each other. I love you. You’re my family. When I’m with you, I feel safe. I feel home. I feel like nothing can hurt me because you’re there. You have my back, and you can bet your stretched out, shaven gay ass that I’ll always have your back too.

32: Are you mad at anyone?

Literally all of my exes and anyone close to them. 

35: How many more days until your birthday?

155 days. July 4th is my birthday. Miss independence.

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

No. Every single person that I have ever kissed, I’ve done so deliberately and with great thought or enthusiasm behind it. Maybe long after the fact, but I’ve never lost sleep or felt shitty about kissing someone. 

42: Are you available?

For you? Absolutely. Just be better than the last several douchebags I’ve been in relationships with. Trust me, the bar is set ridiculously low.

46: Do you regret anything?

I regret dating my very first boyfriend. Let’s just call him N. He was abusive. Both sexually and emotionally. I regret dating him, and I certainly regret not leaving him sooner than I did. I was with him for two years. That’s two years I’ll never get back. I hate myself for allowing myself to be so weak and in such a dangerous position. I should’ve done something sooner.

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

Because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m too clingy or too needy. They come off as the sort of person who is very nonchalant about relationships. I don’t think they take it seriously. I don’t want to be out there with serious emotions when they’re not putting themselves out there for me too. I want something consistent and stable where I don’t have to second-guess that I’m cared about and wanted. Mainly because I’m just fucked up from past shit. That and… I guess you could say I’m trying the polyamory thing. I’m afraid of being involved with too many people at once. Right now, It’s only a serious romantic attachment with one person. But this person that I like… well… I don’t know if I’m ready to pursue them as well. I don’t know if they want me. I don’t know if it’s mutual.

86: How can I win your heart?

Kiss me a lot. Cuddle me a lot. Always hold my hand, even if it’s getting sweaty. If you’re too far away for that, skype me. All the time. Every day. Make it so that I don’t even feel the distance. Message me when we can’t skype. I want to be a part of your everyday life, and vice versa. Tell me everything. Past, present, and future. I’ll listen. Ask everything about me. I’ll tell you. I’ll be completely honest. I won’t hold anything back. Above all, don’t let me second-guess that you care. Be open about how you feel towards me, and always remind me. Always tell me things that make me giggle and blush, or stubbornly deny them because I don’t think very highly of myself sometimes. Make me always feel safe around you. Be spontaneous. Be silly and crude and vulgar and random. Watch movies, tv shows, and anime with me. Play minecraft with me. Play any PC game with me. Shower with me. Be with me when I’m having an anxiety attack. Hold me as I cry and hyperventilate. Tell me to keep breathing. If I ever tell you that I need to be alone, don’t let me be alone. I say that because I actually want to be with someone, but I’m too stubborn to ask for help. Be my best friend.

Just… give me everything and I fucking swear to you that I’ll give everything back.

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

I want a relationship more than anything right now. A stable, healthy, consistent relationship. I don’t want any doubts or fears. I just want to be happy with someone and have them be happy with me too. The relationship I’m in right now is pretty troubling. I’d leave him if I had a safer person to be with. I’d leave him if there was someone I loved more. 

Honestly, I’m his plan-B. He’s 18 and he had a 16-year-old girlfriend before me. Her parents found out about the age difference and made her leave him. But.. he’s still in contact with her. He still loves her more than anything. He loves her more than me. He’s just… settling for me. He’s settling for me until she’s legally an adult. He’s waiting for her and setting a time limit on me. I feel so shit about the whole thing. 

I want someone who can just… be with me. No complications.

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

Money to pay for the tuition of the college I want to go to. A partner I feel completely secure with. A new phone because mine is super old and broke as hell. A consistent job.

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Date me. Sorry for calling y’all out.

@abovethepeople @fetishforfresh @monsterinmybloodstream @shap-kid (woops my secret is out, I’m a shitlord) @thereisacactusinsideme (Too bad you like dick in your ass) @corrupttheinnocence @imperatorsapphiosa @gravitymango @too-bored-for-you 

honestly like all of my mutuals. I’ll date em all. You guys rock.

Anyway! Thanks for that, anon! You gave me a nice therapeutic introspection hour. I kinda cried a lot while typing up #86, but oh well. That was fun. Please don’t be shy. Message me.

[asryakino]

I want to work. 

I like working. I have a decent job working with kids that’s fullfilling mentally and is worlds better than the soul crushing retail and food service (and the dreaded retail/service job of handing out demos) jobs I had before. 

I like my job. I like my work. I even like my coworkers and that I get to make kiddos happy by being ‘the cool adult’ who knows things like video games and social media. 

Which is why I’m so fucking gutted that I’m goddamn terrified to drive my truck in its current condition because I have NO brakes. At all. None. I can hear the grinding, stopping is almost non existent and the tires were already pretty shite to begin with but it’s a reliable truck otherwise. 

But I haven’t been able to afford maintenance. Because I can’t even afford basic bills. I’m constantly behind, trying to scrape enough by to cover gas and food. I’m trying to care for mom, and dad. Which is harder when one of them lives out in the middle of bumfucked NOWHERE literally a place that is nothing but farms and barren hills 

I drive out there on weekends so he doesn’t have to live on his own, I take care of her when I’m not at work. I drive her to doctor appointments, out shopping, all over town. I take her anywhere she wants if it gets her out of the house. 

I have a full time job in trying to take care of mom. A weekend job of trying to keep my dad sane and from ending up BACK in the hospital. But just... 

my job isn’t in one place. I get sent AAAAAALL over the city to go where I’m needed. And it’s not a tiny town. It’s a fairly big city (fifth largest in the state and quickly beginning to dwarf out the fourth)

I need my job. It’s how I keep MY sanity. I’m only allowed to get out of the house to work. Because if I go out for self-fullfillment and social reasons I get guilted for a week. Because I have friends and a social life sometimes. When the stars align and the planets power up and the moon is blue and black all at once. I get to have a social night out. 

But only if I remember to bring mom a thithe for having a night out that didn’t include her. Because otherwise it’s a week of using silence as a weapon and refusing to tell me -anything- and then getting MORE angry because I don’t read minds and can’t tell what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it all done. 

But... fuck it. This is a rant. I was going to apologize but it’s under a readmore already. 

I just spent an hour and a half bawling my fucking eyes out because I need money. I don’t WANT money, I literally NEED it. Because if I don’t get the fucking truck fixed. I can’t go to work. If I can’t go to work, I can’t earn money to continue doing things like - eat... and go to work. I Two things on the top of my list that I would like to do. Continue eating and continue going to work. 

Work is a sanity replenishing place. Even when it’s frustrating. I need to be able to go to work. Because it means I’m not a fucking failure to the small handful of people who matter. It means I’m not everything most of my family already believes I am and going to work means they can’t just write me off as being a lazy, entitled, shitlord. 

Like the exact lazy, sleeps-until-noon, selfish, entitled, uninformed,filthy, ignorant fucknugget my mother presents me as to literally everyone else in the family.   “Well she’s a horrible maid.” - said about the house being a mess, she’s a fucking hoarder and was buying 400$ worth of shit every fucking month for a YEAR until I quit working at the store she was constantly buying from. And she goes into panic attacks and anxiety attacks if I try to clean anything, move it or throw it away. “SHE has seven cats.” - About the cats we’ve rescued BECAUSE SHE INSISTED WE TAKE THEM IN AND NOT ADOPT THEM OUT BECAUSE “No one will love them right.” The very same cats that I said ‘let’s just get this one TNR’ed and set up a shelter, he doesn’t need to come inside we have too many cats.’ and she insisted that it was too cold for them, they needed to come in. I end up with the blame for the house being ruined by cats she insisted we take on. “She locks me in my room at night.” - Said in ‘jest’ whenever anyone asks what she does. She tells this to random strangers. She tells this exact words to absolute strangers. In reality she refuses to leave her room 90% of the time. She outright wastes my whole damn day on a regular basis by saying she wants to go out, refusing to get ready to go out, then languishes in her room and claims that everyone hates her, she doesn’t want to go out because the world hates disabled people and that she’s worthless and unnecessary and I don’t need her to go do (whatever) because I only need her money. All in a tone that implies that I don’t care about her or anything that I’m only after her money.  She’s racist, rude, disabled, and narcissistic. There is a massive list of words I’m not allowed to say in her presence but I’m not allowed to know them until after I’ve made the mistake of saying them and utterly ruining her day. (One of which is ‘hoarder’ because mentioning the term around her immediately shuts her down. I am also not allowed to mention her weight, age, or looks. But I am subject to being called ‘porker’ ‘fatback’ ‘full moon’ and other phrases connected to my weight and what I look like in my preferred clothes.) I’m not allowed to be in her prescence while displaying ANY emotion except pure joy and happiness. No matter WHAT she says, does, or how my life is going. Because to do so means that I am personally attacking her, and that I hate her, wish her ill, and want her dead. So no matter what she says about ANYTHING (and she has plenty to say about everything) I am to smile, nod, and agree. And she will read off graphic, disgusting articles from dubious police reports about rape, murder, physical violence and animal abuse. And expects me at all times to never interrupt her, to simply listen, and wants me to be angry at absolutely no one with her because SHE has made herself angry and “Has a good strong angry going” and doesn’t want me to “ruin it”. All this despite my begging, pleading, and eventually yelling at her that I didn’t want to hear about shit like that. That I am fully and wholly aware of how much SHIT is in the world and how the world is utter garbage, but that I am trying very, VERY hard to remain positive, to create the change I want to see in it and to be happy, DESPITE all the bullshit.  This break only came after she had been snappy with me for daring to visit my best friend after work, TELLING her, well in advance I was going to. And when I got back home she IMMEDIATELY decided to read to me an article about SOME nameless college girl who’s roommate (also nameless) microwaved her kitten because she was angry at her. There was no solution, no justice at the end of the piece. She was reading it, in graphic detail with plenty of imagry just because it made HER angry and she wanted ME to be angry, but not to show it. I finally snapped and screamed at her for an hour about how I didn’t want to hear anything like that, that I was trying to claw my way out of depression and shit...

She has since gone back to reading that kind of fucked up bullshit to me no matter what and it has, predictably, not helped me at all. 

ON TOP OF ALL THAT FUCKED UP SHIT

I am the only child. My parents are fucked up. And I have the social expectations to take care of them.  She’s going through early onset dementia/althemiers. Not that anyone in the medical field believes me because she’s cognitive enough on tests to lie about how she feels and is doing. And they don’t live with her 24/7 to observe the shit I see on a daily basis. She has cancer, it’s making things worse. She has diabetes, and THAT isn’t helping. And it’s all through the VA, and between that, HER depression (which counts because it’s her’s and I obviously have NOTHING to be depressed about) she can’t talk on phones for appointments. She’s mostly deaf because of the tinnitus. 

I am her companion, appointment scheduler, valet, cook, support system, personal assistant, and overall caregiver. 

I don’t get paid for it.

And on top of ALL that... On top of everything else I have to handle.  I just want to go to work.

But the brakes are out on the truck. And I didn’t get paid.

Not one fucking cent becuase I work on a school schedule. We had fall break, and I got sick the week following and couln’t speak, so I couldn’t work. And THIS paycheque period was for THAT EXACT TIME so.. no cheque. At all.

No money.

I have a quarter tank of gas in a truck that has NO brakes, the oil needs changing, the battery doesn’t actually start the car every time I turn the key, and the tires are so bald they are nearly slicks for racing. I am currently TERRIFIED to drive. At all. Because if I don’t skid off the road due to the brakes suddenly giving out, I may get to my destination and the truck just.... NOT START because the battery has decided to be a fucking dick about it being one degree colder than it feels like providing power in. 

Every time I get in the truck I run the risk of not leaving for work, or not coming home. And when I’m on the road I run the risk of ‘if the car ahead of me slams on his brakes, will I actually be able to physically stop. Can I pull hard to the side if I can’t?’. 

I pray for some company vehicle to hit me, to crush the vehicle so I can get the repairs done that I need to be able to just drive... because I can’t afford them. I don’t get paid enough to survive and pay what small amount of bills I have. I can’t get a loan... my student debt has utterly and completely ensured that the most money I will EVER qualify for is 200 bucks. 

I need brakes. And I know for a fucking fact that they won’t replace my brakes without tie-rods, calipers, and bearings. Because they NEVER replace my brakes without refusing to do so unless I get tie-rods, calipers, and bearings. Because fuck me, that’s why. Becuase I’m a GIRL I don’t know about cars. 

And if they write off that my car’s not safe because I didn’t get the tie-rods, calipers, and bearings replaced. I CAN GET ARRESTED FOR DRIVING AN UNSAFE AND NON ROADWORTHY VEHICLE

Brakes are 87 a piece, but tie=rods, calipers, and bearings? Well that’s 500 at LEAST.... and that’s just the tie-rods and bearings, calipers and brakes will be another 700... 

I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do.

I just want to work. I want to be able to make a positive change in the world and work... and prove to the people around me that I’m not what they think I am... 

I want to be able to stop crying when I get home...

I want to feel safe on the road and be secure that if I hit the brakes, the car will stop. 

And it seems like it’s all too much to ask.