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bebecue · 6 years

Text

Tell me

Author’s note: I felt like I needed to start writing angst again because I think I may have gone rusty (also.. this didn’t turn out to be as angsty as I wanted it to be but sdfkjhd ,,, i need the practice) ((and yes, i may have been listening to Infinite’s latest title track???))

Shownu | Angst | 1034 words

Tack, tack, tack, tack, tack.

Your foot taps on the paved ground repeatedly, and your eyes shift from one end of the field to the other, your gaze quickly sweeping the faces of the people enjoying the park.

A mother stands next to an empty stroller as she watches her two year old run around on the newly mown grass, a fond grin on her face.

An elderly woman does some tai chi exercises underneath the large oak tree, her eyes narrowed in concentration.

A young couple sits on the grass, chatting and giggling quietly. One has their head on the other’s lap, and you envy the smitten looks on their faces.

Among these people, you don’t see him. You glance at the time on your phone. It reads 2:03 p.m, three minutes after your agreed meeting time. You flip the phone over and over in your hands, considering whether or not to text him. You sigh and lean onto the back of the bench, putting your phone face down onto your lap. Before twelve seconds have passed, you check your phone again, and it still shows the same time you had seen before. 2:03 p.m. No new messages. You swipe to unlock your phone, quickly deciding that you should message him after all. Before you can type the first word, you hear your name being called from some distance away.

You look up from your phone, and see Shownu jogging leisurely over to you, two ice cream cones in his hand. He has a broad smile on his face, and it breaks your heart to think that you would be the one to make it disappear.

“Hey!”

Shownu finally reaches you, slightly out of breath from running. He holds one of the cones out to you, and you stare at it before taking it reluctantly. You scoot slightly to the right side of the bench to make way for Shownu’s large frame. He sits down next to you with a heavy exhale, and he grins at you, his eyes turning into little crescent moons.

“How have you been?” he asks, before taking a lick of his ice cream.

You look at your own cone, and you see that the vanilla ice cream is starting to drip down the sides and onto your finger. Shownu’s gaze follows your own, and he frowns, motioning at your ice cream.

“Hey, it’s melting. Aren’t you going to eat it?”

Your head snaps up, and it startles Shownu, causing him to raise his eyebrows at you. You feel your grip on the cone start to tighten, and the waffle exterior cracks underneath your fingers.

“We need to talk.”

Your voice comes out in a tight whisper. You’re trying to look at Shownu straight in the eye, but it’s proving to be difficult. He senses your discomfort, and he lowers his cone.

“What is it?” he asks quietly.

You take a deep breath. “I think-” your voice cracks, and you clear your throat before starting your sentence again from the top. “I think... I think we should go our separate ways.”

Silence. You’re looking at your cone again, too afraid to meet Shownu’s gaze.

“What-what do you mean?” Shownu’s voice breaks at the end of his question.

You steel yourself before answering. “I know life as an idol is busy. I know you can’t help your crazy schedule and insane hours.” The words flow from your mouth automatically, your rehearsed speech coming out in a steady monotone. “But I haven’t seen you in weeks. I haven’t heard from you in weeks. Every time we have talked, it’s always been me who’s carrying the conversation, the one who starts it.” You shake your head and sigh. “I’m tired, Shownu. I don’t-I don’t-” you stutter, suddenly becoming overcome with emotion. “I don’t even know if you care about me anymore.”

“Of course I care about you!” Shownu raises his voice, drawing some stares from the park-goers. “You’re being ridiculous. You’re being unfair.”

“Am I?” you ask, raising your own voice and standing from the bench. “I’m sick, Shownu!” You throw your cone on the ground, and it just narrowly misses your shoe. “I’m sick of worrying that you’ve found someone else! Sick of hearing stories of you drunk, trying to kiss other people, in some other country! And I can’t do anything! Do you know how that makes me feel?” At this point, you are crying, the tears streaming without cease down your cheeks.

Shownu stares at you, stunned. For a few moments, he is speechless. “How long have you felt this way?” he asks you, directing his stare to the ice cream on the ground.

You swipe your sleeve across your eyes. “A few weeks now.”

Shownu shakes his head, still not looking at you. “You’ve already let me go. I can’t believe I had no idea.”

Tell me, you demand silently. Tell me that you’ll change, that we’ll work it out. Anything. Just fight to keep me.

“Just please, try to look at things from my perspective.” Shownu’s voice trembles as he speaks.

Wrong answer, you think.

You start to turn away, but Shownu grabs your hand, and he stands up from the bench, quickly closing the distance between you. “Please,” Shownu whispers. His voice has become thick. “Don’t be like this.”

You snatch your hand away from his grip, frustrated and disappointed.

“I’m sorry,” you croak. “I’m just... just tired.”

You begin to walk away, slowing your steps slightly, hoping that he’ll try and go after you. You quickly glance over your shoulder, and you see Shownu, standing there, ice cream dripping down his hand, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

You start to walk faster, fearing that the longer you stay, the more likely you are to change your mind and run back to him. The sobs you have worked so hard to hold back now escape your mouth, and you use your damp sleeves to wipe your tears.

As you walk, dozens of thoughts race through your mind, but one of them almost makes you laugh, despite the overwhelming heartache you feel.

You won’t be able to eat vanilla ice cream again for a long time.

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