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janiedean · 3 years

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if you ever wrote that rant about grrm making jon his chosen one deconstruction i'd be very happy to read it 👀

hello anon sorry for the lateness but here we go *deep breath*

sssooo, I had once ranted about it though not mentioning the thing I mentioned in those tags so lemme see if I can find the op and like... cp the main argument and amend it bc it was long, but okay so I found it, original anon asked me: why is Jon considered to be one of the most special characters grrm created? Why is he not the typical hero of fantasy books?, my original answer was here if anyone wants to go there but basically lemme just cp the first part making it shorter and then I'm adding:

first thing, the Typical Post-Tolkien Chosen One With A Shitty Life Before He Finds Out He Is Chosen™ character (I’m saying post-tolkien because every fantasy writer in existence who copies tolkien thinks that lotr went like that and instead it didn’t) usually goes through the following steps: his life sucks up until the beginning of the series, his family generally hates him/her or doesn’t appreciate them or abuses them or anyway doesn’t make their life easier and they’ve never known any different, but *something* never quite worked right and they always knew something was missing in their life, they just didn’t know why. suddenly someone who knows they were Chosen™ shows up and tells them that they’re actually Special because of this this and that and they have a quest to go on to save the world or something. our hero/heroine obviously is finally validated and while their quest is hard and full of hardships and maybe they lose a few friends along the way, finding out that they were Chosen gives their life meaning, they usually find love/friends/everything they didn’t have before until they fulfill the Prophecy™ and live more or less happily ever after, possibly after hooking up with the Person Of Their Dreams with whom they had UST up until the last twenty pages of the book. basically: being Chosen™ in regular fantasy novels is a good thing because suddenly you’re special and all the crap you suffered acquires a new meaning and in the end it made your life better.

jon snow is a complete overhaul of about everything in this sense because

instead of having a family who hates him he has a family who actually mostly loves him, and with ned it’s arguably so much that he risks royal treason by keeping him hidden from his *best friend* - sure, there’s cat and peripherally sansa, but his issues stem from the fact that he feels lesser because he’s a bastard (as far as he knows) and it’s a *class* issue, not a *my family hates me* issue not counting catelyn obv but that's what gives him freudian issues more on that in the emended part later

no one actually knows that he’s Chosen™ - like mel could get there and probably will and someone will put two and two together when his parentage comes out in the open, but he doesn’t have a gandalf or mentor who shows him The Way Towards His Quest

so instead of going from ‘my life sucks but I’m going on a quest which is gonna be a+’ he actively chooses to leave a fairly decent situation (a household he knows, siblings who love him - ned actually hoped he’d become robb’s counselor or right hand man or something from what we can gather) because he feels like he has to prove he’s better than his name and goes to the Crappiest Place In Westeros. like idk if people grasp it, but the wall is basically a prison and at the ripe age of fourteen he decides that it’s totally a good and honorable choice (his only choice actually) to go defend the realm in the freezing cold along with a bunch of criminals/derelicts/rejects of society

at which point he makes friends among said rejects and let’s remember that it’s the point where he actually has to do his first an only privilege when donal noye made him go like hey you were brought up with nobles these ppl are here because they stole bread, and that helps making him more into the person he is rn but like your tyopical fantasy hero who has had a shitty life doesn’t usually have to acknowledge that other people might have had it worse

then he goes on the Quest where he finds his first One True Love, and that’s where it turns even worse because usually the quest is where things start to go right for the Hero™, instead for jon they start to go wronger, because first he has to go undercover which pretty much tests most of his belief/code system, he falls in love with a girl he has to betray, half of his friends and his lord commander die along the way, while he’s off doing his thing winterfell gets taken/burned and robb dies when jon openly stated that he also was going to the wall to defend his family and keep them safe (yeaaah worked out real well), when he goes back to the wall he has to fight the people he lived with for months, the woman he loves dies in his arms and he can’t do anything about it and he’s aware it couldn’t have gone any other way, people put defending the wall on him and then put his loyalty in question, when stannis shows up with a legitimization (which is everything he ever wanted) he refuses because he doesn’t want to accidentally steal his siblings’s inheritance (which was what cat was so worried about hahaha) and actively chooses the crappy defending the realm life all over again. also in all this time his being Chosen™ hasn’t manifested or helped him in any way whatsoever - actually all his honor-moral code related baggage is what moral dilemmas come from that. like, your usual chosen hero™ would always take the right decision and it all turns out good eventually, jon takes the morally right decision and it all turns SOUR eventually

at this point he finally gets elected LC, thanks to his friends also pitching in, which is about the one fantasy hero™ thing that’s happened for now. should be good, yes?

lol no, because he ends up with THAT hellish responsibility at sixteen, since he thinks that he has absolutely to be even better than that now and he has very specific notions about how you should lead and he knows he has to take unpopular decisions/decisions that he doesn’t necessarily like, he ends up either having to send his friends away forreal (sam) or detaching from them (pyp/grenn/the likes) and when as far as he knows he learns that his sister is married to ramsay he can’t do anything about it

never mind that it’s the same situation as when he had to pick the watch or robb in book one - he went there to defend his family and now being there actually prevents him from helping them in person. ops. meanwhile he’s trying to implement a new vision of things which is modern and smart and actually makes sense because why fighting the wildlings when you have ZOMBIES coming. your usual Chosen One™ would get people to approve just because he’s the Chosen One

instead jon gets stabbed to death - okay, that was also because he wanted to go get arya but it was the last straw, people were pissed over the wildlings plan first and foremost

so basically he’s gone through all the Chosen One™ steps but in reverse - he loses his family which did love him instead of finding another one that makes the first pale in comparison, he does find a new one who loves him but has to alienate most of its members for responsibility reasons as a consequence of what should have been the crowning achievement of his life choices (which eventually is NOT one), he falls in love and they don’t drag the UST forever but they never get a chance to be together without small print in between, he chooses the admittedly most masochistic life he could for his family as well and half of them die and he can’t do a thing for the other half, every other mentor-like figure he runs into after ned dies, instead of finding validation he ends up having to isolate himself and on top of everything HE STILL DOESN’T FUCKING KNOW HE’S THE CHOSEN ONE™

so instead of his life going better the more he learns stuff and matures as a person, he gets murdered. by the people he trusts and who were supposed to be his new family. haha?

never mind that when he finds out he’s the Chosen One™ it won’t bring him closure because all he ever wanted was being full stark like his father/siblings and then bam he’s going to find out his father’s actually targaryen and what does that even mean to him?

on top of that being AA will just be a pain because I don’t believe for a second he’s not going to get leftover ptsd and who the hell is gonna help him deal with it? or how is he ever getting over his *brothers* murdering him? and people are going to ask stuff of him all over again and he’s gonna have to go slay a mythical monster and if I know grrm it’s not gonna be fun, pretty or cathartic FOR HIM

on top of that, Chosen Hero™ fulfills the prophecy and gets a realm to rule and everyone lives happily ever after. money is that if jon does get that realm (and I think he is because he has the best claim if he's legitimate and most likely it'll turn out he was on the targ side but ROBB also legitimized him so he has double the legitimization), he’s going to hate every second of it and he’ll take it because a) duty, b) literally no one else is available, and like this guy didn’t want to rule a realm or be a king or anything he just wanted to be a stark, and instead he’s going to have to after all that shit thanks to Magical And Noble Heritage he hadn’t even known he had and probably didn’t even want up to that point because since when jon wanted to be a targ? yeah since never

obviously I hope he manages to be somewhat happy regardless because the alternative is too miserable, but basically being a Chosen Hero™ is what makes jon’s life worse rather than better and the fact that hew went through all the regular self-discovery journey for the fantasy hero list doesn’t mean he’s not flipping that over in his sl. the fact that he stayed a decent person more or less throughout it and that he hasn’t turned into a bitter asshole also doesn’t change the main point XD

tldr: jon snow is not a typical fantasy hero because he deconstructs that trope into tiny little bits same as robb deconstructed the arthurian flawless king hero trope

now ^^^^^ THAT was what I originally wrote for that meta but adding on to what I said in those tags

okay so... there is a certain tendency to also make the chosen one™ special in the sense that he's kind of goals - good looking, rich or set to inherit, gallant, takes the initiative, he's like.. social or anyway immediately makes friends etc and all that jazz which jon... doesn't really fit

like jon is an introvert who immediately makes friends just with outcasts and his siblings also bc he feels like one but he's hardly a social butterfly and charms everyone wherever he walks by

I mean ffs says all that the only person he charmed in that sense is stannis who is the literal only person in charge in the books who is more introvert than him and has worse communication issues and appreciates ppl going straight to the point

on top of that in the book he looks like ned.... and arya looks like ned and ned isn't described as being particularly handsome that was brandon so he's not even like... I mean kit h. is v. pretty and I think he was a good choice for the role and I'll die on the hill that he was born to play that character and he did it well but book!jon doesn't have that kinda pretty face so the concept that he's the HOT alternative to anyone to me is kind of iffy bc he's not

he's shit at social interactions and at PR which is why robb and him would have been a key winning ticket like he has a better idea of the larger picture but robb would have actually made sure ppl didn't turn against them bc he actually was good at that but like he doesn't go around rallying armies in his name does he

the one time he's been with a girl it was ygritte and like he courted her without realizing it and then she had to pursue him and he barely knew wtf to do on top of the fact that they slept with ghost in the middle of them like a sword which..... is.... I mean sleeping with the sword in the middle was a thing to make sure the maiden stayed a maiden and he's the one who is like i CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH HER EVEN IF I WANT TO BECAUSE I'M TECHNICALLY SPYING ON THEM like... he's not... gallant-knight coded

never mind that the moment they do the do she basically does everything until he decides to try the oral which I mean... isn't exactly alphadominatingmale out of jon which is not a given with the trope he's supposed to represent like he's not smooth he's not suave he's like WHAT THE FUCK when ygritte tells him he has a pretty face bc most likely no one else told him that and he like... doesn't pursue people like that in general which is also not exactly 100% what that trope usually goes for

we can add that he has a lot of passive-aggressive little shit sarcasm in him that they didn't let him go for in the show but like... usually chosen heroes™ don't think what he thinks about selyse in general

we can also add that he's not automatically above being better than his position like... he doesn't take winterfell bc ygritte is dead but he did think he'd have taken the deal sansa or not if stannis had said he could marry her and not val and if she wasn't dead, he basically went off the rails at the dude he was fighting with thinking about robb telling him that he couldn't be lord of wf because he was a bastard and he's absolutely not in the frame of mind of 'well I was born a bastard who cares it doesn't define me'

he's obsessed to the point of unhealthy with actually being defined by it which is why he was better off with the wildlings aka the only idiots in the realm who don't gaf about that

and that's like... I mean usually if chosen ones™ have parental issues it's like 'you were an orphan and raised by asses who weren't your parents but your parents loved you and you'll find out at some point and you'll be happier for it and make your own family', jon is like... he has the mommy freudian issues of the century bc of how cat treated him, on the other side he's obsessed with living up to ned's/his father's name and he hates that it makes him not-belonging or that he feels like he doesn't even if he does with his siblings, and at the same time when the truth about it comes out he's going to get the cold shower of the century bc like - he's spent all that time thinking BUT DID MY MOTHER WANT ME WHO WAS MY MOTHER and he's going to find out of who it was and how he was born and honestly considering that lyanna most likely did regret running with rhaegar the moment he finds that out and that she died birthing him how is he going to feel? - also he spends his life wanting to live up to his 'father's' name aka ned aka someone known to be honorable to a fault and then it turns out his bio father is... the dude who started that entire rebellion not doing a very honorable thing? - also if jon*erys is a thing idt that he'd take 'I fell in love with my aunt' so nonchalantly as he did in the show tldr: he's never gonna get over his parental issues in a short time and when that particular brick hits him in the face it won't be pretty

like the entire point of jon is that he goes through all the chosenone™ cursus honorum as we'd call it in high school when studying latin but each step that means smth good for the usual chosenone™ to him is something bad, being one is not going to make his life better and throughout the entire thing he does not fit that stereotype when it comes to look, personality, basic traits and familial history and like hell he's going to have the happy ending tied up with the bow - like I think he gets a bittersweet one and eventually goes off with the wildlings bc he belongs there after being jon snow first of his name (bc like hell he's not reclaiming his bastard background at the end of this entire mess I'm eating my hat if he doesn't) after splitting the seven realms and fixing things but that's hardly the neat happy ending the chosenone™ usually gets so that's my two cents

... christ this was long *raises hands*

#jon snow #tagging for the lulz i guess #janie writes meta #ch: jon snow #long post for ts #tldr jon snow is a kurt cobain stan in disguise in westeros and chosenones™ aren't nirvana stan coded #and i'm dying on this hill xD

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phoebehalliwell · 3 years

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don't know if you answered this before but in what order would you rank the endgame couples - piper/leo, phoebe/coop, paige/henry? very curious

oh hmm i actually have never been asked this!! hmm this is difficult. okay so like. obvi before we begin i must offer a disclaimer here. i am a paragon of bad taste. let’s not forget my entire valentine’s theme was dedicated to prue & jack. we’re starting at rock bottom here. i also love projecting my own idea onto incomplete pieces to fill the gaps. like. like i get how there’s not a lot to love for paige and henry and phoebe and coop but in my lil brain they are all very complex and like fleshed out and i gotta a lotta beliefs. in fact. like. hmm. no i’ve already said i have bad taste like piper/leo are probably gonna sit at the bottom of the list for me just because i cannot craft them how i want bc they’re already solidified in canon. like. idk they’re an adorable couple all that the full nine yards or whatever but like. well for starters they’re not my favorite ship tropes and then on top of that again There’s A Lot Of Canon. and i am a narcissistic diva okay i wanna be able to fill in these gaps. so like. hmm at the top based solely on coupleness and the versions of them that live in my noggin it’s

phoebe/coop bc like hear me out man they’re like the embodiment of love. we’ve been hit over the head so many time how they’re the embodiment of love and like salvation and rebirth and renewal like!! like part of me wishes that we had introduced coop in s5 and given him more skin in the game but also if they fucked up this relationship i would have been so bummed bc it really is. it’s love!! like it is the embodiment of falling in love like phoebe is stone cold right and she’s kind of starting to accept that maybe she just doesn’t get it you know. maybe that’s it. she gets her column and she gets to help people find love and see like piper and leo at peak domesticity and like engage in love, but like, remotely.because it’s not for her. and then here comes this cupid who’s like no i’m gonna find you love which is a cute gesture but like she genuinely doesn’t believe she’s made for love she genuinely doesn’t believe she gets to have love but then you know like. like her eyes get reopened to the world around her yes she engaged with love remotely but she had become so far removed from it that it lost the feeling. she saw it but she saw the individual brushstrokes and then here comes coop and he helps her take a step back and see the painting. and like!!! it’s beautiful. and then of course there’s the added trope of like. falling in love with coop he’s supposed to help you find love and now you know what the hell you’re trying but like. you’re in love with him. but you can’t be but you are. like!! and then on coop’s side you know he’s a cupid he’s been doing this for centuries and his love for humanity is obvious and his love for love is obvious but this is new. and he doesn’t know what it is!! like he knows love obviously but he’s never like you know fallen in love. and he can’t recognize it because he thinks it’s impossible but the next think you know he’s got all those lovesick symptoms he sees in the couples he puts together and oh my god he’s in love with phoebe. and then of course both believe the other won’t reciprocate bc it’s out of the realm of possibility. but then the other does reciprocate!! they also just like. i mean all three couple do but like phoebe and coop maybe the most. seem like the type of people who just kinda get lost in watching their partner work. like when phoebe is having trouble with a letter for her column she like paces and mutters the letter out loud to herself like she’s the one asking it and like bareface in pajamas like a crazy person is just repeating the same thing over and over again and coop’s just fucking in love with her like look at her!! and vice versa i don’t think coop has really spent that much time being human i think he takes absolute delight in small things phoebe has just forgotten about but to see coop’s face light up like at so flea market or something finding something that was undeniably crafted with love like he can feel it imbued in the item and his face just lights up and he wants to tell everyone how like it’s love!! love!! it’s all around us it’s in here can’t you feel it and phoebe just looks at him and remembers how pure love itself is and just how happy she is that you know. this is her life. and she gets to fall asleep and wake up next to this man like hello?? hello??!???! and then i’m gonna go

paige/henry bc like i feel like they’re criminally underrated again bc we spedrun what should have been a slowburn but they gave me the legos and i will built the death star like. like these are two people who struggle with family and identity so much who have learned against their nature to lean into and grow with one another. like what we see of paige is a woman who loves her independence and loves her freedom and yesh has a complex relationship with family bc she was given up at birth but it didn’t matter because she found a loving family so who needs the ones who gave her up not her but she couldn’t help but wonder but she didn’t care she had her family. until she didn’t. until she was seventeen alone and scared and what are you supposed to do with that?? and let’s not even get started on the fact she only gains her new family through death as well. like. there’s so much there there are so many reasons to stay guarded and fearful and just overall pessimistic about the concept of family especially as something built to last. and then henry!!! who never knew his birth parents and on top of that never got a home like paige paige got a home she got a family who loved her hell she actually got two henry never had that henry always had nothing and like he kinda grew up in that shell said he didn’t want to leave when people started getting close he had to push them away bc he didn’t know who he was if he wasn’t alone and paige is like hey hi?? you wanna be alone so bad be alone but i actually fucking like you and i know you like me too so don’t just push me out because that’s what makes you feel "comfortable” when you know you’re miserable in your comfort. and she’s right but it’s still a hurdle for henry and it’s this push and pull of the tides where bit by bit they kind of have to learn that it’s lonely up on the pedestal of independence and it can actually be nice to be vulnerable with somebody yes it’s fucking terrifying to just like show yourself to someone honestly because like!! they can turn away what if they turn away but to experience the rewards of love we must first subject ourselves to the morifying ordeal of being known. and it’s a painful process for both of them but the fruits of those labors man it’s well fucking worth it and it’s a relationship especially on henry’s side that is plagued with external insecurities other people telling him that he is not cut from the right cloth to be with paige but like. it’s like he’s already torn down his walls to be with her and she’s done the same and he realizes he loves her like He Loves Her like. like!! who gives a fuck what anyone else says he loves paige. and then paige reciprocates omg!!! haha fuck yeah. and then like i also think henry’s just super fuckin corny levels of domestic like makes french toast every sunday and fingerpaints with his kids and is in the dad’s club at the elementary school and just does all the things that he fuckin prayed for as a child just a constant stable feeling of home of love and like. like!!!! i’m gonna bite someone like. paige&henry man.

piper/leo though as previously established is like Thee charmed couple you know they are there all eight seasons they get points for that but obviously from reading my first two ones i kinda just fill in a lot of gaps there which i am able to do bc each couple probably checks in at 150min of screentime total. piper and leo don’t get that so like i don’t get to do that. and like. the origins of them i just don’t quite get you know which was really just cause it was such a new show and this was a new lil relationship they weren’t sure what they were gonna do with it and then again like issues with canon and the whole whitelighter thing but what i would have loved to see more in the early stages is just like why. like obviously they both found the other cute but we never really got the Moments bc it was all so preferrial and then next thing you know leo’s dying in the attic and piper loves him like i would have loved the in between and a bit more of the internal monologue the jump then fall especially on leo’s part which is like canon’s fault but like. you know like why if he was a whitelighter and knew the rules blah blah blah and it was because the writers didn’t know but like. still you know. and then s2 was bogged down my dan and i just really didn’t care for it that much because like. idk i didn’t love a lot of leo’s vibes early s2 were he was trying to keep it strictly professional and just ended up coming across as weirdly bitter and possessive however i Loved him bonding with dan in pardon my past that was a nice touch. of course later seasons pleo really makes up for the lackluster of the early seasons bc they are just so domestic like they know each others strengths so well and leo loves piper’s cooking and they’re corny n cute and they have their little moment and i do mostly like their relationship therapy bits i like that that was incorporated bc like. it happens man it’s not something to keep taboo it happens. but i do feel like that shit was often resolved too quick and then the same shit dredged up ten minutes later like some one trick pony. i also love how ride or die they are points for that. leo’s like i killed an elder and piper’s like alright. they’re really in it through thick n thin n i respect that

#bc they Know each other that's the whole goddamn point #but yeah #these r my opinions obvi you are allowed to diagree i feel like this is very much not universal #but there are my opinions!!#phoebe x coop #paige x henry #piper x leo #💌#charmed

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jaehyunskitten22 · 7 years

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Bodyguard!Wonho x Chubby!Reader

So you’re a princess and your last bodyguard retired

you really get tired of all of the sympathetic looks you get because you “don’t look the way a princess should” or “you’re bigger than your sister’s”

and honestly?? You don’t really care. You’re comfortable with your body and no one else’s opinion is going to change that. But you still get tired of the staring that happens in the palace and all the pity is sometimes smothering

so you either never leave your room, or you leave the palace for a whole complete day and you don’t return until late

and a lot of people think you are a horrible person because you never leave your room. They think you’re antisocial

(little did they know that you and your bodyguard would sneak out of the palace in the early morning and would go and play with neighborhood kids because they were so pure and they never judged you or felt sorry for you)

It is especially bad at the beginning of the year because when the staff of the palace wants to quit or transfer, they have to work until the end of the year. A lot of new staff comes in after the new year and they all always pity you bc they dont know you or how you feel very well yet

And you absolutely loved your old bodyguard. He let you act like an almost normal girl and he was almost like a second father.

so you’re bitter about getting a new one. You haven’t had a staff change so close to you in a long time because it’s hard for you to get comfy with a new person, let alone someone whom you can’t ever get away from

Your parents are aware of this and they are super picky with the person they choose to fill the position

And they really like wonho. He looks intimidating and big but he has such a sweet, protective and adoring personality.

So they pick him

And when you first see him your first reaction is “oh. great. someone to try and ‘fix’ me.” because he looks like a gym nut/fitness fanatic

and he lowkey is, but he’s not going to force that on you. when he looks at you he doesn’t really see why people pity you and always whisper about how they feel so sorry for you.

he thinks you’re beautiful and he’s excited to meet you

when you guys first officially meet and discuss things like your daily routine and your most visited places, you’re amazed because even though he told you when he likes to work out and ish, he didn’t make it sound like he expected you to work out with him too. He doesn’t even appear to judge you when you told him that sometimes you don’t like to leave your room (but he is a little concerned)

he is amazed by how sweet and shy you actually are and he literally can’t get over your blushy and chubby cheeks aw

first things first, he accompanies you on shopping trips, which everyone in his company likes to make fun of him for but he really enjoys going with you. You aren’t a very demanding princess and you only make him carry the heavier bags, not all of them. You’re quite low maintenance and you hardly, if ever, complain about not being allowed to do something due to safety risks

and sometimes you ask him to ride in the back of the SUV with you instead of in the passenger seat up front on the way back to the palace (you do it because it gets so cold at night and he is so warm and he wraps an arm around you and lets you cuddle up to him)

he adores you

he would literally do anything for you

and he makes you so happy and you love him so freaking much.

you guys genuinely care about each other and everyone in the palace can tell and they think its adorable because they literally saw the princess smile for once!!

so you guys quickly become best friends and he gets a lil flirty ;) but nothing super unprofessional tho

and just like your previous bodyguard, he gives you your space and tries to not hover when you’re out with friends

but your friends do

they always talk about how attractive he is and how much they want him to be their bodyguard and how you don’t even need one because you don’t get followed like your sisters do.

and it makes you feel like shit, but you just laugh

sometimes they will blatantly ignore you and will only talk and flirt around with him and it makes you super upset, but you kinda ignore it. and since wonho is so nice and sweet, he politely keeps up the conversation but he always makes it a point to walk right next to you, and he tries to never separate from you

sometimes you just bolt and go somewhere else, just to get away from it because it makes you so uncomfy and you don’t even know why.

you feel oddly possessive over him which is completely dumb because he only sees you as his job and if both of you were just normal young adults, he wouldn’t even look at you twice

every time you run off it makes his heart race and his stomach clench, and its not even because he’s afraid of losing his job

he genuinely can not stand the thought of you getting hurt.

you always come back though, and each time he always gently grabs you by the shoulders and checks you over, looking for injuries and when he doesn’t find any he gently tilts your face back and forth, looking for evidence of tears and what not, which if you had been crying you never let him look for too long because you think you’re dumb for crying over a guy that doesn’t even want you

and you kinda just stop going out with your friends and in general, because you want to give him the chance to do his own thing like date etc

but he literally only works out or spends time in the kitchen with chef!kihyun

kihyun is one of your closest friends, so of course he knows what’s going on

but when wonho asks he doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to just spread your business around

but it’s easy to tell that wonho really likes you,,, like even your parents know and they also love how happy he makes you

but both of you are hurting because you each think your feelings are dumb

even when you do go out, you’re really quiet now and hesitant to get very close to him

and you just flat out never call for him when you are in the palace

but one day,,,, you have to go to an event

and you’re crying because your miserable and you feel disgusting in the dress that you’re wearing and you just want to be held. you don’t want to go and be surrounded by beautiful girls who are all going to be making eyes at your bodyguard and your best friend

so you call kihyun

but kihyun knows you want wonho, so he sends wonho instead lol

and wonho gently knocks on your door and slowly opens your door, just peeking his head in

“Y/N? Kihyun said you weren’t feeling well. Are you okay? Do you want me to call your parents?”

and he comes in looking all soft because he has his suit jacket off but he is insanely attractive at the same time (like this yall like that)

and really it just makes you more upset because a guy like hm should not be forced to constantly look after a girl like you okay its dumb and unfair

and when he finds you crying in front of your mirror he does a quick sweep of the room, making sure that no one got in and he finds no one

but he looks at you and he’s literally amazed at how gorgeous you always look.

“You look beautiful.” and he has this dumb lil smile on his face and you scoff

“You’re just saying that to get me in the car faster” and he shrugs, offering you his hands to help you get up

and he just gently wipes the tears off of your face and rubs your cheeks with his thumbs

“really I would much rather stay here in sweatpants and a tshirt and watch some movies with you, but our duties call. But what’s wrong?”

and you quietly tell him what you think about your dress and he steps back a little while rubbing his hands up and down your arms, just looking at you and trying to see if the dress is unflattering on you

but he can’t help but to smile and appreciate how beautiful you look

“you look absolutely stunning. I won’t be able to leave your side at all tonight.” and he laughs when you lightly shove him and tell him to shut it lol

but he meant it

when you guys get to the event he has his eyes on literally everyone and he has his hand resting on your lower back while he leads you to the table

then a group of girls starts coming up to the table, asking wonho if he would dance with them, but surprisingly to you, he says no

and he talks to you all night and literally only pays close attention to you.

and your parents come over and tell you that you need to dance (and she knows it’s dumb but it’s for appearances and she would much rather you just stay and talk to wonho all night too tbh)

and you encourage wonho to dance with some pretty girls if you’re going to be forced to dance with a bunch of strangers

and you honestly think that no guy is going to ask you to dance anyway but you get up anyway and when you get over to your parents table a few guys have been waiting for you

so you dance with them, but you feel super uncomfy the whole time and you really just want to go back to wonho

but you look over at him and he’s having fun with a very pretty girl so you just bite the bullet and keep dancing with the guys

and when you finish dancing with them you need a break from everything so you send a little smile wonho’s way and you walk out on the balcony

you weren’t expecting him to follow you but sure enough you hear the door slowly open and close and he leans over the railing with you, just watching the city lights

it was relatively quiet until he clears hos throat, causing you to look over at him

“i really didn’t like those guys that you were dancing with.” and he says it so quietly and shyly so it causes you to giggle a little bit

“I didn’t like them too much either.”

and it’s quiet again lmao

the silence is really tense and you both can tell that you’re not telling each other some things

“Hey Wonho?” And he immediately puts all of his attention on you, searching around for any possible injuries or people that could be making you uncomfortable, but he comes up empty handed

“Is there something wrong, Princess?” And he gently rests his hands on your neck while letting his thumbs caress at your cheeks and he can feel how warm they are and it makes his heart flutter in his chest

“Can you dance with me?” and he feels his ears get hot because why do you want to dance with one of your employees when you’re surrounded by wealthy and important people?

but a huge grin soon spreads across his face because “Aish she’s adorable” and he nods while sliding his hands up and down your back before gently squeezing your hips

and you loop your arms around his neck and you both start to sway back and forth

and you’re both just looking at one another with some of the most dorky smiles and you’re both talking to each other and giggling and you guys both keep glancing at each other’s lips and you can tell that he is afraid to make the first move so you tug his lips down to yours and you kiss him and he weaves his fingers through your hair and pulls you closer

“Fuck, Princess...” and he’s breathless and panting before he pulls you back into a kiss and he is almost desperately moving his lips against yours

You eventually go find your parents and tell them that you are heading back to the palace and when you get there and up to your room wonho is trying to yank the zipper of your dress down without moving his lips from yours and he starts to lowly growl in the back of his throat because he couldn’t get it down

but he gets distracted by you pushing his suit jacket off of his shoulders and nimbly undoing the buttons on his dress shirt and he can feel the desperation through your movements and when you get the shirt off you start nipping kisses into his neck and he almost legit whimpers

“Baby... wait. I need to get you undressed. I need to feel you.” but you only whine and run your hands up and down his torso before pressing kisses down his chest and he gently grips your hair and tugs you off of his skin pressing a gentle kiss to you nose before turning you around and finding that damned zipper and yanking it down

and he pushes it off your shoulders and yanks your body closer while running his hands down the front of your body and he outright moans when he gets his hands on your naked breasts

“Wonho... please let me feel you, I need it.” and he almost loses his mind because you’re begging to touch him and he is a literal mess

and yall eventually end up in your bed, you rocking your hips on top of him and tossing your head back while he nips and tugs on your nipples

“More. I need more. I can’t.” And you’re panting and whimpering and he almost melts at how desperate and whiny you sound and it makes him want to take care of you, so he flips you over and holds you down on the bed while drilling his hips into yours and he feels how your walls start to flutter around him and everything feels so fucking warm and tight and wet he wraps his arms around your shoulders and tugs you up until he can tuck his head into the crook of your neck while he lets out little whimpers and harsh breaths and he calls you a good little girl and he pants praises into your ear about how beautiful your body is and how you make him feel absolutely starved

and his hips stutter when your legs come up and wrap around his waist and you wrap your arms around his shoulders to keep him as close to you as possible

he pulls away from you neck to watch you come undone around him and he loves how wrecked you look and its all for him

he completely loses it when you start begging him to cum in between little whimpers, telling him that you want to feel him cum inside of you

he shoves himself into you as far as he can reach and fills you with cum before picking you up and he lets you both catch your breath before gently pulling out of your hole

he quickly grabs a warm wash cloth and wipes the dripping cum, his dripping cum, from in between your legs and he pulls a shirt over your head and a pair of panties before tucking you into his side and falling asleep

in the morning he has to quickly bolt back to his room so your maid doesn’t catch you guys but he doesn’t leave until he gently wakes you up and presses a lingering kiss to your lips so you know that he didn’t leave because he thought it was a one night stand

when he makes it back to his room and he looks in the mirror and sees all of the little marks that your puffy little lips made and it makes him strangely giddy to see them

everybody literally knows what happened between you two, but neither of you get in trouble for it

because of that he probably takes off his shirt at the gym later on so everyone can see the little purple marks scattered on his pecs and he absolutely loves the rolling eyes that he receives from the rest of his team

he even makes sure that one slightly obvious hickey in between his neck and shoulder is exposed so your friends know to quit flirting with him

you thought that he would be mad at you for marking him up but nope. He loved it

and he couldn’t mark you up (because you’re a princess and a scandal like that would be very bad) and it makes him a little :( especially when a group of princes come to the palace and start flirting with you

but then you pull him aside and remind him that he was the one who made you cum last night and he was the one that filled you up with his cum so he has absolutely nothing to worry about

and that makes him :)

Yall’s relationship has to be very lowkey because it has to be released in a controlled manner so it doesn’t put either of you in danger

(but everyone would be happy for you two tbh) (because he was literally considered a national heart throb) (and everyone got heart eyes at the way he looked at you a lot of the time

(he looked at you like you were his whole world) (it was v v cute)

the end :)

#wonho scenarios #wonho smut #hoseok scenarios #hoseok smut #lee hoseok smut #lee hoseok scenarios #monsta x scenarios #monsta x smut #wonho #lee hoseok #shin hoseok #monsta x

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fangirlandiknowit101 · 7 years

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Story starter meme

Rules: List the first lines of your last 15 stories. See if there are any patterns. Then tag 10 of your favourite authors!

I was tagged by @definitelynotaminion

(I guess the 15 last means in update order...)

Some nsfw!! You can find all the fics on my ao3.

1. Lessons in love (viktuuri)

“Yuuri Katsuki?”

Yuuri’s mind blanks out. He’s in a small park behind a skating rink larger than any he’s ever visited, wondering how he ended up there in the first place.

And now, a foreigner is approaching him.

Maybe if he closes his eyes and pretends he’s a statue, the man will ignore him.

“You are the figure skater Yuuri Katsuki, right?”

The man smiles at him when Yuuri peeks through his lashes, tall and pale and oh god, he’s gorgeous.

2. Miliy (viktuuri)

Viktor has never done anything illegal before, and maybe he still isn’t, but surely – surely – paying people to get off on camera has to fall within some sort of immoral don’t-let-the-press-know category on Yakov’s list of Reasons I'm Balding.

And yet he can’t stop.

Gnawing furiously on his lower lip his fingertips hover over the touchpad on his laptop, the transfer of a not insignificant sum of money just a click away. When his eyes flicker to the screen – to the man currently licking cum off his fingers, eyes a hooded dark brown that Viktor tries and fails not to drown in every time – the decision is easy.

3. Sugar star (oisuga)

At 6 am sharp, Tooru’s eyes flew open as he threw himself towards his phone. He thought it might be a new record in reaching it, but then again he was already awake and merely biding his time until the device would yell It’s a trap! to signal the day’s first incoming text.

It was from Iwaizumi, of course, and he couldn’t help the silly little smile that graced his lips as he opened it to read.

Or well, he would have read it if it wasn’t just a picture of a wrinkly bulldog. Before he could think of an appropriately annoyed reply, another text followed the first.

Welcome to the 40’s club. Maybe now you can get a discount on your anti wrinkle cream.

He pressed the call button.

“You’re awful,” was the first thing he said (more like whined), flopping onto his back again to stare at the painted night sky on his ceiling. “And I don’t use anti wrinkle cream!”

4. The sun within me (sasnar)

”Hey Sasuke!”

It took Sasuke a second to realize that the person yelling at him was, in fact, not an intruder but rather Naruto, though by that point the knife was already securely embedded in his kitchen wall. Great, another dent to add to the already present four.

“Really Sasuke, you should be used to this by now! You need to relax a bit.”

Turning his head towards the noise he watched the other ninja slump down into one of his kitchen chairs, one arm on the table and the other loosely hanging off the back of the chair. Of course, that stupid grin was spread over the tan face, stretching out the whisker marks.

5. I see the universe in your eyes (viktuuri)

Well, Viktor thinks, this isn’t very good.

He’s got one hand covering his mouth and nose against the heat billowing around him, eyeing the unstable steel construction he’s standing on warily. It could give out any minute, really, but at least he has minutes.

There’s a high-pitched screech somewhere in the distance, like metal grinding against metal, and he nervously wipes sweat off his brow. To say he hadn’t planned on ending up here is an understatement. It was supposed to be a routine mission, one of the boring ones, a simple pick-up-some-valuable-cargo in one of the outer systems. Nothing like the missions that had made him famous, had given him a reputation.

I know I always thought I’d prefer going out with a bang, but this is a little early.

The rest is under the cut bc this post is too damn long haha...

6. Prosecute my heart (sasnar)

Sasuke liked to think that he was neutral about Halloween. Actually, scratch that. He liked to not think about Halloween at all, but right now he found it very difficult to keep his brain free of the (fake) holiday considering his work desk was completely covered in all things Halloween.

It was Monday.

A Monday that so happened to be October 31st, and had he expected this he would have called in sick for sure.

7. Wasn’t expecting that (sasnar)

Sasuke isn’t quite sure what to make of his new classmates yet. They seem like your regular, run-of-the-mill people, with varying degrees of awkward. He probably feels more awkward than most.

Though, it’s not nearly as awkward as he used to feel, and now his awkward is more related to being able to act however he wants to without getting shit for it. He isn’t used to it yet, but it doesn’t worry him, because everything is right and the worst part is over, anyway. Still, during the first week he accidentally went inside the girls’ changing rooms before gym class. He’d been stressed, and too used to associating school with things like having to be a girl, and he’d had one of those annoying and pointless arguments with his parents as they dropped him off. He hadn’t been thinking, which was funny because thinking feels like the only thing he’s been doing the past years.

8. tomorrow, today (kagesuga)

Suga breathes in the excitement in the air, leaning against the railing up on the spectator’s level. Two seats are already secured right behind him, and he taps his fingers against the cool metal in quick little twitches.

“It should only be a minute or so,” Daichi says by his side, amusement evident in his voice as he leans on his forearms to peer down at the court.

“I just want to make sure they see us before they start,” Suga defends his anxiousness with, worrying his lip between teeth as his tapping continues.

“They already know,” Daichi mumbles, voice low as if he knows it won’t do a thing to Suga’s state of mind.

9. Head over heels (sasnar)

Sasuke isn’t lonely. He isn’t. He’s got plenty of things demanding his attention, therefore he doesn’t have time to be lonely. Maybe it’s the apartment, he thinks, as he makes his way down the busy street after successfully having completed his various errands. It had only been two months since he moved in after all, it would take some time to get used to the additional space.

10. The sun within me - extras (sasnar)

There was a thud followed by a gasp as Sasuke’s hands slammed against the glass wall of the shower. His head was bent, water streaming down the dark bangs plastered to his flushed face, lips tingling and sore from the bruising kiss Naruto had just given him. Tan hands caressed down his back, palms pressing into his muscles.

“Sasuke…”

11. Secret Santa for SNS xmas 2015 (sasnar)

“Saaasukeeeee.”

Heaving a sigh, Sasuke dropped the dishes back into the sink and dried his hands, sparing a look at the clock in the kitchen. Naruto had slept for all of one hour and twenty minutes. A baby would be easier to take care of.

“Saaaaaaaasukeeeeeeeee.”

12. The sweetest gift is you (sasnar)

Why, oh why did absolutely everyone in Konoha decide that this evening in particular was perfect for braving the cold and leaving their homes to go shopping for Christmas… Couldn’t they see Naruto was in a hurry, dammit! Pushing and shoving he made his slow way through the mass of people littering the streets, a figurative clock inside his head counting down the seconds he was now late by, hoping Sasuke was somehow feeling the Christmas spirit and wouldn’t be too annoyed with his tardiness.

13. Pumpkin surprise (sasnar)

Oh god, this party was boring. He’d only been here for thirty minutes, and he was already dying to go home. Not that he was usually much of a party person, but he’d arrived a while after it started when everyone was already drunk, and Sasuke simply did not drink, which made everything five times as boring.

Why was he even here… oh, right. Because Karin dragged him, literally dragged him after handcuffing him to herself, declaring that she would never forgive herself for leaving her good friend all alone on Halloween. The fact that Sasuke didn’t like Halloween and also would never forgive her for dragging him seemed unimportant, apparently.

14. You and Me (and Him) (sasnar)

Sasuke is rushing, pushing himself forwards with chakra bursting from the soles of his feet to the rhythm of his frantically beating heart. It’s happening again rings through his ears as he careens through the village, sight set on the Hokage tower. Of all the times to leave the village…

He’s only been gone for a couple of hours, but the pang of regret still leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He shouldn’t have. He should have brought him with him. If only he could have.

The few people milling about the entrance of the tower give way to him, eyes widening at the look on his face. Shizune is there to take him far below ground level, leads him to one of the all too familiar special, reinforced cellars. He can feel the heat long before they reach it, the pressure in the damp air causing the hairs at the nape of his neck to rise.

He knows this pressure. It’s bad this time.

15. Naruto and Sasuke (sasnar)

Somehow, our names always seem to be associated with each other. But I guess it can’t be helped, living in a small town like this. There are only so many people you can be friends with, and only so many you can dislike without becoming lonely. That’s why I’ve spent my life trying to become friends with everyone I can, and I have to say I’ve succeeded pretty damn well besides that one exception.

Uchiha Sasuke.

If I were to describe him, I’d say he’s a jerk who seems to enjoy making my life miserable, and wherever I go he always shows up.

If I were to try and describe our relationship though…

I know it says to tag my fav authors but i like a bazillion writers so i’m just tagging a few of you that i follow on tumblr bc i’m lazy so pls don’t think you’re not my fav if you’re not tagged (actually pls do the meme anyway if you want!!)

I tag: @kiaronna @uchihanochidori @teekettle @byebyeholocene @nihonlove

This was a lot of fun~ As for any patterns... well, it’s pretty obvious I like to start right away with some action, and leave descriptions for some other time. I kinda really hate descriptions lol. Also I tend to write while amused so, that probably shines through? I need my fics to be fun or action or both haha!

#i used to write so many fics with holiday themes??#and somehow i think my fics are less similar to each other than i thought lmao #but when i read them through the feeling i get is the same #in writing style i mean #reading my own fics is so comfy!

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annasellheim · 7 years

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What was the center for cartoon studies like? What were the main things you learned there? Why wasnt it enjoyable?

Whooo boy! Ok! Let's get into it.First let's talk about why it was bad: White River Junction is a shitty small town in VT in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do (especially if you don't have a car, which I didn't). Next, CCS can, at most, have a student body of 50 students. My first year, there were 40 of us and the second year there were 30. So when you are spending all your time with so few people (bc I wasn't really hanging out with locals) there's a ton of drama (and if you haven't figured out this by my work yet, I'm dramatic as FUCK) and shit talking and all that stuff. I could literally see myself become more and more toxic, more bitter, and was powerless to stop it. And it's nuts too because I was really popular and well liked in the beginning. I just ended up throwing away of friendships because I couldn't deal ( plus I tend to do that unfortunately, I am trying to figure how to stop doing that). The sun set at 4 everyday in winter and it was freezing so I had no energy (this is super obnoxious of me but I fell asleep in class practically every week). I didn't know that seasonal depressive disorder was actually a thing until I moved there. Finally, I broke my drawing hand the second year, so I spent 10 weeks barely able to draw (I only was able to pencil 11 pages I that time- actually, Fractured - the comic I reblogged about the high schooler w suicidal ideation, was completely drawn with a broken hand. Somehow my style became more realistic when I broke my hand, I don't know) and I threw my back out and broke my computer and went down on my meds in the same week, so that few weeks was the closest I have ever come to being hospitalized for mental illness stuff (it didn't happen though, thank god).CCS was also the first time I really internalized sexism that I had experienced. I know I'm late to the game on that, not really feeling like I personally experienced sexism until I was 28, but I'm just oblivious to that shit. But yes, the faculty was sexist, and I also had a bunch of dude friends ( who I would later kick to the curb, which sounds ok but they were good guys so no, it really wasn't) that were oblivious to the fact that they had insane male privilege and were fucking man children while women going through similar shit re: mental illness were fucked over big time in the program.I literally was talking to someone last night about how even though I'm not in a great place right now for a variety of reasons, I so much better than I was in White River Junction, it's nuts. BUT NOT EVERYONE FEELS THIS WAY- like @betseyswardlick had a fabulous time, so it varies for people. I just know most of my class was miserable by the second year.So what did I learn from CCS about making comics? Man just about everything. I learned I like working on a three tier grid, I learned all the tech shit I have to do, I learned that thumb nailing was a thing, I learned what spot blacks were, I learned how to use a nib, how to use a light box, how to pace a comic, how to use social media to form a web presence, how to do a bunch of shit important for the business side of cartooning, how to table at a convention, how to network, and more. Not all of that was the faculty either- social media shit I learned from @tilliewalden , pacing shit I learned partially from class but also a ton from @kotalines . And being part of a community meant I got really good feedback on all my stuff. BIG ADVICE TIP GUYS- if you are making art or comics, find people to give you feedback, it really improves your stuff. Even though it's hard to hear sometimes, like really really hard.CCS also gave me a community with alum in classes before me. Some of my closer friends here (in Providence) went to CCS back in the day, and having that network in a new city helps a lot. Finally, CCS was good because it made me way more radical, as a person. I had never met a trans person (that I knew of) and the class above me had two, I never heard of asexuality of gender queerness before coming to CCS (and I fought that shit hard when I was introduced to those ideas. I'm not gonna lie, I don't fully understand gender stuff still but I'm very much "you do you and I'll respect it" now. And I might fucking BE asexual so that's a whole thing too). I never was friends with immigrants and international students really before coming to CCS (with the exception of that weird semester in college where I only hung out with Chinese exchange students which was fun but strange). And they were all POC so it gave me a new perspective on things. One of them, @salakjitcomix helped me write Safe because she is also Thai and was able to give me insight into Kamon's character. BE WARNED THOUGH! My class was an outlier- CCS on the whole IS super white (including me) and super dude heavy. And it really hasn't addressed that shit well. Last year a really smart POC student pointed a ton of shit out to the school but if they end up actually addressing it is a whole other matter. The faculty is like, classic white liberal where they think they're progressive but when it comes to race they are clueless (at least in my opinion). But to be fair, I'm white and can be super clueless too. A lot of cartoonists resent the shit out CCS ers (Simon Hanselmon even called us the CCS mafia) because we are essentially paying for all these perks with tuition, which is true. I've never tried to downplay my financial privilege, and yeah, we're taking a huge short cut by going to CCS. But the work coming out by students is getting better and better, so while we may be paying our way through some shit, we've got the chops to back it up.@salakjitcomix , @stephaniezuppo and @tilliewalden are of three of my best friends in the world and I never would have met them if not for CCS. A lot of really genuinely awesome people have come out of that school.All in all, going to CCS was not a fun experience, but it was the most rewarding thing I've ever done. If I ever make it in comics ( to be fair, I have no fucking idea what this means) it will be because of the school.CCS PEOPLE YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT: @tilliewalden @robsmithing @stephaniezuppo @jaradgreene @kotalines @hyenafu @carodoodles @moth-ire @robsmithing @stevethueson @planperiod @betseyswardlick @laurellynnleake @blastmastr @andsoluke @mystery-town just to name a few!

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cantskank · 4 years

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fuck this is long...tldr i’ve been lame but getting better

the last post is brought to you by me getting into the magnus archives for some positive ace rep

then having the absolute and overwhelming focus of the fandom be focused on that character’s romantic relationship

then the people who ignore or gloss over the fact that jon is ace or make him have sex anyway to make martin happy???? which just like fucks me up a bit

(esp bc exact quote, “jon...doesn’t” really disputes the idea that he would have sex with martin)

(also much more minor but it bugs me to see people in the fandom refer to jon and martin together as gay. jon is biro ace, i think gay is not particularly accurate. and gayness is excellent! don’t get me wrong. but that’s just not accurate to what jon is. and it would not at all bother me if there were equal amounts of “aww look at them they’re so asexual together!” and that description probably feels weird and wrong. but it’s just as correct as saying “they’re so gay and cute!” or whatever i keep seeing people say about it! it is just as accurate to call their relationship ace as it is to call it gay! and not wanting to acknowledge or even consider that is really telling in what it reveals about how non-aces feel about asexuality. it just builds to a picture of ‘we want our own representation and we will discard or ignore the ‘uglier’ bits of one of the ship character’s identity because asexuality is foreign to me/irrelevant/unnatural/weird/something i don’t fully understand and am afraid to/uninteresting.’ and i very much want to sympathize with the former (again, the whole reason i got into the magnus archives) and very much want to kill the latter with fire. this is also relevant to me in that about a year ago, i started thinking a lot about how as an aro ace, being told i had straight passing privilege, and the fact that i am not out (but would not lie and call myself straight) and just generally allow people to assume whatever they want about me when it comes to my orientation, whether that’s gay, straight, bi, ace, whatever, (and also having had mostly straight friends for the couple of years before that when it had very much been the opposite prior to that (and that does make a difference, to me at least),) had resulted in me very much creating this narrative of being ‘effectively straight.’ not at all in the sense that ‘yes i’m basically straight and i feel mostly straight’ but in that i felt like ace-ness and aro-ness, if i wasn’t going to be out about it (which i’m not but which i may end up changing down the line), was not something i was allowed to consider as separate and distinct and special and important about myself? because society would not like to think about aros/aces. what society wants is to send the message that “not having sex is not important. not having sex is not normal and makes you a loser. not feeling romantic attraction is shameful and unnatural. not feeling romantic attraction is something that makes you a monster. do not talk about your disinterest in these things, it is at once completely unimportant/irrelevant and for our comfort and to allow you to conform socially you should not talk about it AND it is disgusting and freakish and makes you broken.” so. it is somehow unimportant AND deeply disturbing at the same time. anyway, for me this resulted in feeling that my aro ace-ness was unremarkable and i should not consider it something exceptional about me, and i should just settle into viewing myself as close to the default. and maybe you would think i am part of the default, as a first impression, and that’s fine. but i realized i didn’t want to think of myself that way. even if people will insist it is this way, asexual =/= straight. i get to, and i want to, think of asexuality as its own distinct thing, and it does not have to fit into the paradigm of gay vs straight because it cannot fit into that paradigm. i had refused to give myself the space to think of it as special because no one was telling me it was special. and not being out definitely had a huge effect on this. but it is just factually untrue to view myself as unremarkable for being asexual and as ‘effectively straight’ because it’s wrong! it’s just wrong! and if i am firmly of the belief that i am not straight, i must be equally firmly of the belief that i am not gay. there is no judgment involved in either of those statements, but i must respect myself and my identity enough to firmly believe it is its own identity, and worthy of being considered that way, and not merely framed in which ways it relates the false dichotomy of gay and straight. meaning, i cannot frame my asexuality as “not quite gay but not quite straight” but as its own entity: i have my own distinct orientation and it is aromantic asexual and i do not experience attraction. full-stop.” which may seem basic (and may seem like a very minute difference) but it was an important step for me in my identity. i don’t think i’m quite explaining it right. i will say: whether they realize it consciously or not, i think a lot of people think of sexuality by how much you deviate from the norm. the norm is straight. the most extreme not-norm (by, again, the false dichotomy that has been set up) is gay. how different you are from the norm will probably determine how important your sexuality is to you because non-normative sexualities are oppressed and the fight to be allowed to feel you are worthy of respect means your sexuality feels and is highly personal. and, this would be a measure of how gay you are. before my perspective shift, i felt very little about my sexuality (other than mostly dread at dying alone. which i still feel!). therefore, i was not very different from the norm, and my sexuality was not worthy of consideration. it was not allowed to be very important to me, especially if i was not going to be very out. BUT! this is not a good perspective! again, false! dichotomy! there is no reason to view yourself on a sliding scale of gay and straight! i am Neither! and it is for this reason that i feel very strongly that gay is not the right way to describe jon! it can be, and if it feels right to him then that is a fine and excellent way to identify! but his identity is asexual and, by necessity, he is not gay. just as he is not straight. which is okay and allowed. and by many people choosing exclusively to refer to jon and martin as gay, while extremely understandable, feels like a failure to understand the above. allo identities do not hold precedence over aspec identities because aspec identities are worthy of their own consideration, not just as something “missing” and inherently lower priority to allo identities. and calling the relationship gay exclusively, feels like they kind of believe that. and any reluctance to call their relationship ace (which i think MOST people would find very strange and weird and uncomfortable) is a lack of education and understanding on what asexuality looks like, the kinds of relationships asexuals have. asexuals are not some remote, gross thing that cannot be understood and must be ignored, we are people and we are here. if you haven’t noticed, our entire online presence is BUILT around education and visibility. these are things you can find out and understand very quickly. and hopefully people will not view asexuality as something weird and shameful and something that should just be ignored. holy shit that was a long aside.)

and the post was precipitated by seeing fanart of a very romantically intimate moment and not being at all interested in that for myself. i really want to be close to someone (/some people which is too much to hope for) but just so emphatically not in that way. just...a lot of clarity in what i want? because i am sometimes so miserable for being aro specifically that i wonder if my identifying this way is wrong and unhealthy, whether it’s worse to consider myself aro and causing more problems than it’s solving. sometimes i wonder if i was too quick to dismiss romance and all my self-discovery and self-reliance has been for nothing? maybe being miserable about amatonormativity has just been because i’m alloro but just miserable and self-hating and trying to ruin the fun for everyone and the problem is not that romance has been artificially elevated but just that i have deep-seated issues with romance?

anyway it was more of a relief than anything to have my aro-ness confirmed by my gut reaction. um, i still think i need to let go of some of my bitterness about amatonormativity, only because it’s not serving me to be my happiest self (not because it’s not bullshit), but it’s not because i’m unconsciously not aro.

here’s what i think i want for myself:

like i said above, letting go of some of my anger at romance and at amatonormativity in general. there’s definitely a place for that in me, but people talking about romance should not make me miserable like it’s starting to do. in a lot of ways this comes from me being jealous and bitter about not having this supposedly wonderful, normal, natural experience, and not being confident in it being okay- great, even!- to be aro and not experience that. i want to become more neutral about romance, since it is equally okay to not experience that. my existence and validity is not threatened by other people having romantic relationships. it’s okay for that to be an important thing for them, and (/because) it’s equally okay for it NOT to be important to me.

sorta referenced in my point above, but i want to rely less on other people to make me valid. it doesn’t matter how anyone else feels, i am the way i am. i want to be much more confident in that for myself. i can’t progress and build a better relationship with myself if i don’t trust my own experience and emotions over what other people would tell me is true about myself (or how the rest of the world works).

i know this is kinda what got me feeling not great in the first place, but i want to find more ace/aro rep for myself. potentially this could make things worse (in the way i mentioned above; relying on that representation to really speak to my experience and finding that it does not, and that fandom in particular is very caught up the romance- and just generally allo- side of things). but i am hoping/relying on the possibility that increasing ace/aro rep will give me way more options and a higher chance that i will have my own experience reflected. i want to start listening to the penumbra podcast, since i’ve heard there are at least two aspec characters, one of whom is even aro ace! side note, thinking about it a bit: the first ace rep i had was a few months ago, when i watched bojack horseman and saw todd’s story. i think i was a bit spoiled in that rep. todd’s story was really focused on his own self-discovery. he was alloro and wanted a relationship, but in my mind he didn’t care so much about getting that. even when he was in a relationship, he still got to be cool and have his own adventures. having a romantic relationship was secondary to his story and, you got the sense, secondary to him as a person. and, his asexuality was very important to him once he realized he was ace. he was very open about it to people, not ashamed, and he did have a journey with his sexuality that the audience was brought along. that is everything i want in an ace character!!! then i got into the magnus archives, expecting to have a similar experience. instead, we find out jon is ace because we as the audience hear him being outed without his knowledge between his friends, based on information from his ex (again, presumably without his knowledge). and word of god says "although whether that’s how the archivist himself would actively identify, who knows?” also a very different take on ace rep than bojack horseman. and i love jon and martin as a couple, but i have just been really overwhelmed with how much of that is the focus of the fandom (plus my normal/main fandom is hockey and that can be VERY platonic. i can make it as platonic as it gets). those are two different ways of being asexual, and they are both valid! they probably each ring true for many. from my perspective i prefer the bojack approach because i feel more affirmed by todd’s rep than by jon’s, but that doesn’t make todd more accurate representation. i guess the moral of the story is, not all ace rep is the same, and don’t get invested in seeing yourself (or the kind of rep you want) in every ace story. and my solution is to broaden my ace rep rather than only have a few and ultimately not be happy with it. (also i want to be very clear that the importance of ace rep is something that is built up entirely in my mind. jonny said they always considered jon to be asexual from s1, way before he was revealed to be in the show. they were not going for ace rep, they just felt asexuality fit his character best. it is me (and others like me probably) who came to this story knowing this and placing expectations and stakes onto this character as The One Who Represents Us. i relate waaaay more to martin (as we all do i’m sure) but because my other options are so! very! limited! when it comes to asexuality i put all my emotions and expectations and self-worth on how this one character could represent my entire experience. which has nothing to do with the creators of the show, who are just telling the story they want to tell. so they can’t give “bad ace rep” because there are so many ace stories to tell and it’s not their fault or their problem that options are so limited that we end up building up any character that is ace into the one who represents all ace experiences. my fault, not theirs, is what i’m saying.)

probably obvious after my word-vomit but cut back on actively seeking out magnus archives fandom/content!!!! it does not make me feel better about myself. romantic relationships do NOT make you more worthy.

just generally being more positive and affirming about being aro ace (and being aro in particular!) it is excellent and there are so many good things about being this way! i would like to focus on those more for myself :)

holy shit i wrote a lot. i had a lot of feelings that i wanted to get out.

#i almost want to legit tag this #(with like aro/ace tags)#because i wrote a lot in here about being aspec that i'm really proud of and i think should get more consideration!#but this whole post is a mess and that's not why i wrote it #i did not write it to be consumed by other people :P #i think what i will probably do is take the parts that i think are good points and put them together into a post on my main blog.#also this was basically motivated by tma and idk how much i want to call that out.#like i'm not looking to start discourse in a fandom (which i most definitely will not do anyways)#but i think it's important if you're a fan of a certain piece of media that has certain identities represented #that you respect and have a lot of consideration for that? and that you don't generally choose to ignore our of disdain/ignorance for that #identity #idk apparently there are exclus who are fans of tma? and it's just like...how?#you know the main character who you presumably like is exactly the sort of person you would sneer at right?#even an exclu with the mildest feelings on asexuality (of the 'idc just you are only queer if you're otherwise lgbt also get out of my face'#variety) must feel some discomfort in their views given the fact that they appreciate jon as a person #how do you like and respect jon but still look down on aces????? i don't get it #and the people who ignore jon's ace identity give me similar vibes to that #like jon being ace is an unpleasant truth that they can just ignore their way out of #since deep down they don't respect us and don't find asexuality worthy of consideration #what they want out of this character is his ability to be in a gay relationship #which okay #i have a lot of thoughts and feelings about how feeling nothing when it comes to romance and sex makes me feel like a non-person a lot of th #e time #which makes me feel like just a tool to use a lot of the time #which i might write about later #'oh you need someone to comfort you? i've got no one else in my life and i crave human contact i will drop everything and comfort you'#'oh you need someone to run an errand for you? i am so desperate to keep people in my life because i know most people will not stay in it fo #r me that i will run the errand for you and tell you i don't mind and it's fine and i will really really try hard because i have not yet int #ernalized the fact that being useful to people will not make them want me around any more'#'oh someone might need to take care of mom and dad when they're older? i won't have a family so it will probably be me'

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jess-oh · 5 years

Text

Reflection

Hey journal!

i have a lot of thoughts on my mind right now and i think just venting to my journal would be the best course of action i can take.

i’ve been pretty paranoid recently and believing that if i can’t live up to people’s expectations of me then i’m essentially worthless. if im not the happy-go-lucky, energetic, bubbly, happy person that i usually am, then who am i? what purpose do i serve? what could i possibly give? im honestly pretty miserable right now and I just really need God to come and take over because I can’t do this by myself. I know logically that I’ve gotten so much better and I’ve been much better at resting and taking care of myself and standing up for myself and doing all of these things that I was once incapable of but I still feel like it was all for nothing. Because ultimately, I feel like I’m back in square one. I don’t want to tell anyone how im feeling bc I’m too afraid to. Too afraid I’ll just be judged or that I’m just overthinking things or not giving the best response or serving to the best of my abilities. I’ve been resting a lot more recently—even though my schedule doesn’t seem like it. I’ve been letting go a lot more around other people, especially at church, and just trying to enjoy life and not take it so seriously. But because I’m resting, I feel 20x more paranoid that I’m not doing enough. That I’m not saying the right words or being as attentive or intentional as I could be because I decided to take it easier. I know logically that I’m hard on myself but it is really hard for me to see the line between being too hard on myself to the point of toxicity and im just beating myself up and pushing myself to do better and not just sit back and relax when i am more than capable of standing up and taking action.

i have definitely allowed positive words from those around me to get into my head in a negative way. my pride has exploded exponentially and it has become a lot more about me meeting the expectations of others more than doing it bc i want to. i used to train to northwestern to go to church all the time because i was determined to go to church bc i was committed to it no matter what the cost to myself. It wasn’t even a question or an option for me to not go or make an excuse as to why i could no longer attend. I was committed. And I did it without question. And I was genuinely grateful every time someone was willing to drive me to the train station and even moreso all the way home. I was genuinely so shocked when Seung so genuinely wanted to drive me home from Moody the other day that I nearly cried. I used to be that grateful but because they’ve been so willing, I’ve started taking it for granted and expected them to do so. I feel like they’re being selfish when they would rather just go home than to give me a ride back to my place when I should be grateful they’re willing to drive me anywhere at all. I do my best not to assume they’ll be there for me because I don’t want to take them for granted but in reality, I already have. Amanda hasn’t been driven home nearly as often as I have and admittedly, I’ve been bitter when she insisted that Johnathan not drive us home when I much would have rather preferred that he did. Especially since he was willing to. But I want to have that heart of gratitude again like Amanda and be shocked when they are willing to do so. Not because my faith in their willingness is so little but because I’m surprised they would willingly take the time and money and energy to make sure we get home safe and sound.

Honestly, I think I’m just really tired. I’m tired because I’m in this weird purgatory/in-between area. I’m too paranoid and afraid to place all my trust in the people at church and as a result, I feel alone and yearn for those relationships and trust and rest. I’ve been giving so much to them and I don’t want to blame them for why I feel alone because they’re understandably students as well and have their own issues going on but I’m tired of trying to give so much to them and not receiving it in return. But that’s also partially my own fault for not being more intentional with them. I have admittedly been seeing my servantship on MAST as more of a job/responsibility than as a means to really love my community and invest into them as individuals with unique stories. I’ve been meeting up with people and chatting them and tagging them in posts to build our relationship so that I can be a good servant but not necessarily because I care so deeply about them. And I definitely need to change that mindset. I can be bitter and blame them and say it’s all their fault that I’m not close with them. They’re not open with me, they don’t do this or they don’t do that. And maybe they could be more open. But I could also be more genuine and honest and intentional and that is something I’ve been lacking in.

I think I’m also just too afraid to trust anyone else because I am paranoid of being hurt or betrayed again. I don’t want to let people in and accept and trust their kindness and generosity only to be stabbed so deeply in the back or the front once more. I felt betrayed by James. I felt betrayed by Anela and Justin and Jasmine. And I don’t want to feel betrayed again. To trust someone and so violently be mistaken and hurt as a result.

Subconsciously, I purposefully made my schedule super busy this week because I needed to be busy to feel worthwhile. To feel like I’m not just a waste of space. To prove that it wasn’t just a mistake to give birth to me. My anxiety and paranoia has definitely been acting up a lot more recently. I even considered self harming again Thursday night. I just felt so alone and worthless and like a waste of time, space, energy, and money. I’m not worth investing into. I was so surprised when Christina, Jush, and Amy were actually so genuinely glad to see me and wanted to talk to me specifically. I was so surprised at their attentiveness and willingness to listen. I didn’t feel like I was talking too much about myself or being too selfish or too loud. I know that I overthink things a lot and overreact to small situations and take things too personally when they aren’t mean to. But it also doesn’t change how I feel.

I just argued with Jason. Again. And I really wanted to lash back at him and become really defensive but I thought it’d be better to take a deep breath and actually try and understand where he’s coming from and why he felt upset. And it helped. It did. And he mentioned how I can’t expect to be kind to myself if I can’t accept it from others. I don’t think I deserve kindness a lot of the times because I view myself in such a negative light. But I think viewing myself so harshly and holding myself to such unbelievably high expectations is doing a huge disservice to God. I’m saying His creation isn’t beautiful enough, isn’t good enough, isn’t smart enough, isn’t strong enough, and so on so forth. Who am I to say His creation is none of those things when He believes that it is?

I want to serve the graduates to the best of my abilities before my time with them ends. I want to serve the new additions to MAST as best as I can before my time runs out with them. But I can’t do any of this if I myself am unwell. I can’t be a dentist with bad teeth. It’s better to take a short break now and realign and reassess my priorities so that I can best serve them with hope, energy, and drive than to try and try and try to give all I have left and exhaust myself dry and give them half of what I could because I’m too tired to give my all. And that is definitely something I need to realize and learn. I need to learn to actually rest and let go and trust that it will all turn out okay because my life is not my own but is God’s alone. My parents can say that I’m too lazy and should be more productive and do this and that but ultimately, the only one who can define me is God. So this is what I shall do. Amen.

#reflection

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