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fishkinger · 3 years

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Yamtien ficlet

Based off of this post.

Tien shifts awkwardly in the copilot seat, trying to muster up as much offhanded casualness as he can, and turns across the dash, his eyes wincing as the sun comes in scattered off the ocean. “How long have you two been together? You and- and Bulma, I mean. She... seems cool.” Cool? He cringes internally. This is a sort of self-punishment he's inflicting on himself for liking a boy that is both straight and taken - it won’t lead to any sort of conversation he wants to have, but he needs to hear it from Yamcha himself. Maybe it’ll get it through his thick head that it isn’t going to happen, maybe he’ll be able to let this whole thing go.

Sitting in the pilots seat, his curly hair just brushing the top of the blue collared shirt he wears on their off days from training, Yamcha blinks, seems mildly surprised at the abrupt change in topic from Chiaotzu's cooking skill. The trip from Kame House to the mainland for supplies is long, even in the new, faster ship Bulma ordered during the King Piccolo debacle. Tien and Yamcha are on duty this month, and they’ve made small talk through the hum of the engines for the last hour.

As soon as Tien mentions Bulma, Yamcha’s mouth quirks, and he says, “Oh yeah, she’s pretty cool. She’s really smart too, smarter than the lot of us put together, I think.” He’s more than happy to prattle on about all the things Bulma is cool for, and how they annoy one another, and how nice her folks are, as Tien sits stoically in the other seat trying to appear attentive, nodding along in agreement while internally growing increasingly miserable at the fact that he brought up the subject– especially when Yamcha turns to him and, slightly over-loud in the way that he is, asks "What about you, Tien? Have a girlfriend back at home? Arms like that must make you mighty popular with the ladies!" He laughs, sincere and friendly, and reaches across the dash of the ship to give Tien a light shoving punch on shoulder while keeping his eyes fixed on the ocean in front of them and his other hand on the controls.

Tien tries not to cringe away from the touch, but still unconsciously reaches his other hand up to rub where Yamcha hit as he gives an awkward chuckle, and his three eyes crinkle up slightly into a forced smile as he shoots him a glance. Did Bulma buy him that shirt? It looked expensive. "Well, not exactly. When we were with Master Shen we were.... Working, most of the time. And if I met any other- girls my age it usually wasn't under great circumstances."

This tears Yamcha's gaze away from the sky ahead, and his dark eyes flicker over to land on Tien, who would be squirming with discomfort by now if Shen hadn't disciplined him to be capable of sitting, expression schooled, through much less pleasant than this. He feels too large for his seat. Yamcha frowns, "Hey man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring your past, I should'a thought more before I asked. How about when you and I get to the city, I treat you to that wheel cake cart by the beach and I can wingman for you, help you talk to some cute girls."

Tien reaches up to rub the back of his head, feeling the beginnings of a prickle from where Chiaotzu helped him shave it the day before, willing himself not to open the hatch and fly back to Kame House just to escape this conversation as he deflects, "I don't think it counts as treating me if it's Master Roshi's grocery money you're using. And not today. We have to get back to training if we want to be able to keep up with Goku in three years, there's no time for distractions." He pauses and adds, a little less harshly, "Thanks, though."

Yamcha cracks into a smile, and his face seems to light up with the blinding sun reflected in glimmers off the water. Tien stares.

"No problem buddy. We'll find you someone someday, just you watch."

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#reposting bc i revised it and actually made it a whole scene #this is like super short but #please tell me if this is any good at all i would seriously really like any feedback or crit!#esp with how to write conversations/body language and how i characterized them #ik it was really short but i typically write about fandom stuff like stream of consciousness rather than scenes so im v unsure #and id like to start writing a fic for yamtien so I want to improve!#anyways this is after the defeat of king piccolo when the boys spend a summer at kame house training together #as soon as they get home with groceries later that evening tien excuses himself to go stand on the beach and listen to mitski LOL #he knows he put himself through the wringer in that convo for no reason by bringing up bulma and man it didnt feel great #but he also feels guilty for liking yamcha when hes STRAIGHT and especially TAKEN #(yamcha is not straight)#(also i think yamcha and bulmas relationship is like much more very good friends that bicker and occasionally use the other to #show off the fact that they arent single than they are super romantic... they do care though)#anyways tien has been too busy Killing People to have any more than very minor surface level crushes #and now theres this cute guy who will talk shit right back at him and who fights well and whose leg he broke that he LIVES WITH NOW #and its just run him over like a dumptruck.#tien is super respectful of course and tries never to initiate even any sort of casual physical contact and doesnt flirt at all #he just vents to chiaotzu telepathically sjdjgjs #them in the same room not saying a word with completely blank faces *clown to clown communication meme*#tien #yamcha #tiencha #yamten #yamtien #dbz #oh no i just posted cringe! v embarrassing!#*throws words into the void* is this anything? is this anything?#hopefully it will be ok that i reposted it..... sorry for doing that...#long post #sorry 😬 i couldnt figure out how to put it under a cut on mobile

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not-me-simping-for-blasty · 3 years

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boyfriend!bakugou headcannons

before dating

- will start noticing you only after you either,,

A) do something intentionally heroic

B) do something incredibly stubborn/borderline reckless to save someone

-there is no room in his big boy ego brain for anyone who doesn’t possess hero qualities,, soz thats just the way it is

-thats not to say he would only date someone from the hero course tho,, he would 100% take interest in someone from any course

-as long as they’re as dedicated to helping others and giving their 100% to everything they do,, he’d be happy

-would watch you for a long time but would be incredibly obvious about it. he’d try and hide it and be sneaky, but everyone knows. even you.

-when he finally asks you out, there was not a single plan involved. he just saw you alone and decided to man up about it on a whim

-that being said- after he does ask you out, he immeadiately panics about what to do on your first date. que frantic google searching-

top searches from that night include

how do cool guys dress

how to stop blushing

first date ideas that arent romantic

why am i sweating so much

-first date is an utter disaster by traditional standards

-he takes you somewhere with an athletic aspect- like minigolf or laser tag. he pays for you but immeadiately follows it up with “you better actually play and don’t just make me waste my money! its not gonna be fun kicking your ass unless you try, got it?”

-you have fun and can’t stop smiling- but not bc lil katsuki is charming you.

-no, you’re smiling bc he’s embarrassing himself at every turn trying to impress you. at first it’s a little off-putting, but then you realize just how much he cares and it’s kinda cute

-cute in the a dog-chasing-it’s-tail-until-it-gets-dizzy-and-falls-over kinda cute; but adorable nonetheless

-bakugou walks away from the date thinking he crushed it. just absolutely blew it out of the water,, there’s no doubt in his mind even though there 100% should be

early relationship

-incredibly touchy,, but not in like traditional or “cute” ways

-prior to you, bakugou’s only significant feeling was pure rage,, so needless to say he doesn’t know how to handle his sudden urge to touch you all the time

-he’s super nervous about it and doesn’t know if it’s suddenly okay hug and touch you as much as he wants to,, so he resorts to less traditional means of skinship

-so he’ll flick your forehead when you smile just right at him. he’ll pinch your cheeks when you talk too much. he’ll drop his hand flat and heavy over yours while you’re writing,, just so the pencil skitters across the page and you yell at him.

-he’ll push you over. not like a hard shove or anything,, but if he sees you sitting on the ground or squatting, he’ll just sort of push you over??? especially if you’re standing up from a chair,,

-ofc he catches you before you can fall or anything, but really he just uses “saving” you as an excuse to touch you

-he’ll push at you, catch you, and then smirk at you with “god, you’re so clumsy. i won’t always be around to save your sorry ass, you know.”

-it’s annoying so you just push him away and glare, but unfortunately for you, that’s what he wanted the whole time bc he’s a little shit

-that being said,, he’s still suprisingly sweet in even weirder ways

-bakugou’ll make you food. but he’ll never be around when you eat it,, you’ve tried before to eat the meals he cooks for you right after he cooks them, but he gets too embarrassed and finds an excuse to leave right when you’re about to eat the first bite

-he’ll tease you. a lot. about everything. but nobody else can tease you,, if somebody’s embarrassing you, bakugou will either threaten them until they stop talking or make a scene until nobody is paying attention to you anymore

-he’ll leave you little notes. most of them just have little doodles on them with reminders about homework or training, but they’re cute nonetheless

-when he takes you out on dates his hands always crackle when he first sees you. you’ve come to learn that the more dressed up you are, the more his palms will crackle

-normally you have to be the one to initiate any sort of romantic contact,, pls just kiss him already he’s almost always thinking about it but cant find the courage to do so

-when he does kiss or hug you on his own accord,, don’t say anything. he’ll pull away super quick and get all red!!!

established relationship

- suuuper clingy

-, not in the sense that he’s constantly phyiscally all over you,, he just won’t go anywhere with the class if you’re staying back, or will just follow you around the whole day if he’s got nothing else to do

-like,, if the bakusquad is looking for him they’re honestly just better off looking for you since he’s never far behind

-strangely enough, bakugou’s pretty quiet?? if he’s comfortable around you, he’ll stop being so prideful and picking so many arguments.

-his whole badass front at school wears him out,, so if katsuki comes to hang out with you after a long school day he’ll probably want to sit and just listen to you talk

-is a whole ass cat when it comes to physical affection. he normally acts indifferent entirely, but when he wants attention he wants attention

-might as well just drop everything you’re doing since he’s gonna throw you on the bed and just lay directly on top of you until you stop fighting him

-pet his hair super softly and tell him he’s strong and that you’re proud of him pls,, katsuki will cry

-formal dates happen less often now, but you see him more,,, in fact, you’re almost never without him. when he’s not doing school or studying or training katsuki is always where you are

-he’s pretty possessive and jealous- not just of like other guys, but literally anything that’s getting your attention. see examples 1 & 2

1.) ooo new book that has you super enthralled??? soz, it’s not just your book anymore. katsuki sits you on his lap and tells you that the only way he’s gonna let you continue to “waste your time on something so stupid” is if you read it out loud to him

2.) omg you got a new puppy that you’re just enamoured with?? tough, it’s bakugou’s puppy now too,, and he never lets it leave his side so the only way you’re gonna get to cuddle with the puppy is if you cuddle with bakugou too

-he’s super proud of you so he’ll introduce you as his s/o to everyone he meets,,, and if the person he’s talking to also has an s/o??? good lord katsuki would never shut tf up about how much better and stronger and cooler you two were than the other couple

-is not embarrassed about pda. at all. if everyone already knows you’re together than there’s nothing to hide,, he thinks that since he put in all the work to get you to love him than he should be able to reap the rewards,, anywhere. at anytime.

-that being said, he does find showing affection in front of others to be v v embarassing!!! so to combat that he turns it up to 11 and flirts and flusters you so bad so that all the 1A guys just think he’s super cool and manly with u instead of soft

-that being said, the second you guys are alone it’s like a switch has been flipped and you could fluster him only by batting your eyes just right

-insists you ‘cook’ with him. katsuki doesn’t let you do much but like cut up vegetables or stir, but he likes to listen to you talk while he does everything else

-generally pretty touch starved but only really indulges if you make the first move. like, he won’t ever tell you to come sit with him on the couch, but if you sit down?? then immeadiately he’s pulling you into his side and doesn’t let you up until he’s ready to get up as well

-still pokes and flicks and shoves you. also now feels comfortable enough to prank you. he thinks you’re adorable when you get mad enough to yell at him so prepare to be mad a lot.

-tells you he loves you damn near constantly. he wont say it first tho bc ~tsundere~ but after you admitted it first, he’ll say it. and once you know??? then he’s gonna make sure it’s known,,, blasty baby doesnt do anything half-assed esp not something as important as showing his love

-he likes to pick out your clothes for you bc otherwise you’ll walk about looking too cute and its a problem bc he never figured out how to get his hands to stop crackling

-will call you dumbass, idiot, moron, halfwit, klutz, etc in public but in private it’s usually princess or little brat or very rarely baby

#katuski bakugou #mha katsuki #bakugou x y/n #bakugou katsuki #bakugou headcanons #bakugou hcs #bnha #my hero x reader #my hero academia #mha #mha bakugou

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antiloreolympus · 3 years

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10 Anti LO Asks

1. theres so much unrealistic stuff in LO but rachel is a fool if she thinks people would totally be ok with hades wanting to be with a 19/20 year old who acts like a child. yes i am aware relationships can happen at any age (BETWEEN ADULTS) but theres a lot of legitimate reasons why people are disgusted by huge age gaps, and LO just makes it worse by emphasizing how childish and immature persephone is compared to hades yet all of three people in comic approve of it? what world is RS living in?

2. At anon 2 from the recent bunch of critiques, I had to chuckle at your keen eye! Honestly, Artemis' "dress" is just a slightly oversized shirt for her, since it barely covers Persephone's bits.

3. you know the "my wife" slip would actually be kinda cute if they had bee secretly dating for months/years and he just gott too excited over the future, as opposed to only knowing she's existed for all of a month at most, their first kiss being under un-romantic circumstances, not even going on a single date, and their marriage possibly only happening not out of love, but rather to keep persephone out of jail. what could be a cute slip is instead super creepy and possessive in the actual context.

4. lets be real here, rachel learning greek doesnt mean shit. she can be fluent in it and it wouldn matter when her whole MO is taking greek stories and culture to make it an american knock off. its like her claiming to be so well researched on myth, it doesnt matter when she just makes up whatever she wants anyway. she could use that time to actually making the comic good instead of trying to market herself as the next Madeline Miller (who actually has the credentials and none of rachel's ego)

5. im sorry, im greek and i dont want more greek stuff in lo. she cant even keep the actual myth or basic relationships in line, her adding random lines in greek wont do anything besides make herself and her fans feel like she now has more claim over a mythology she's already messed up beyond belief and constantly insults us with with her entitlement and bad attitude. she does not seem to love or respect our myths or culture, and learning our language (if she actually tries) will not change that.

6. i always see it as a bad sign when the only way to even try and make sense of a piece of work is the author(s) having to fill in the gaps via tweets, so the fact rachel has to constantly clear up confusion and try and fill in plot holes or just add stuff we never see in comic via her twitter is bad?? like she already drags it out so much and most readers arent going on her social medias, so why not just put this actual info and work into the actual comic? i dont understand that mentality at all.

7. IDK if this is just the issue of the romance genre itself, but it's bad writing that Persephone is only really defined in importance via Hades only. Her status and power in only being his wife. Her fertility powers are not defined in what it brings to her, just in how it can be useful to Hades (like his want for heirs). Even the comparison to Hera is not in that it shows she's queen material, but that she reminds Hades of the woman he wanted first and she won't reject him like Hera did.

8. i think lo fans just range too privileged to realize how bad the LGBTQ+, class system, and POC rep actually is. It's not a big win that Psyche is a WoC when she was introduced with non-black features, she's illiterate, and had her story was taken from her to focus on Eros, it's not a win that nymphs are low class who oppress the rich and are hated unless they're a "good one" (echo, daphne) to defend the rich, and its not a win the only LGBTQ+ rep is between two asexuals who just "got over it".

9. rachel would rather attempt to learn a new language (she literally can just ask a greek to translate lines for her also webtoons literally have translators on staff already) than use that time to make character sheets or double check her work for spelling errors. like she constantly always picks the dumbest ways to waste her time that she thinks will improve the comic than the stuff she could actually do (like fix the writing and art) like??? hello??? ma'am???

10. yeah im also confused bc the AOW happened but persephone doesnt actually seem to care. like she snapped bc the nymphs died, but she doesnt even tell us their names or mourn them, and her trying to pay for the dead mortals was not out of the goodness of her heart, and that was dropped for her to party and make out with hades. i love morally complex characters, but LO persephone isn't that, she's a spoiled child who cries she's the real victim as she gets away with figurative and literal murder.

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lo critical #lore olympus critical

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shtbgs-blog · 6 years

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me: has 500 muses me: adds more

shush i am in a battle to have the most muses and just bc i have like 600 doesn’t mean i don’t want to play them a few of these are old old old muses I always have muse for and would love to start playing again.

under the read more you will find introductions for:

ambrose hartley ( bebe rexha ) colby blackstone ( sofia black-d’elia ) harley maddox ( miley cyrus ) brinley joseph ( chloe norgaard ) quinn james ( kehlani parrish ) daniel silver ( herman tommeraas ) lance nash ( justin bieber ) holden clover ( james franco ) & conor johnson ( nicholas hoult )

Do I hate myself? Yes I do.

AMBER ROSE “AMBROSE” HARTLEY looks an awful lot like BEBE REXHA. SHE is TWENTY-SEVEN and while they're PLAYFUL, they have a tendency to get pretty ABSENT MINDED. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to HURRICANE by HALSEY.

Ambrose came from a really loving family tbh like, she had no problem with them at all in the slightest

her problem was she just couldn’t stay tame no matter how hard she tried, even when she was young she seemed to be full of energy and at the age of six they had adopted another little girl to be Amber’s best friend

For a long time they were the closest of friends, and there were times where Amber thought they’d be friends forever, but as they grew older she could see how different they really were, and how perfect she seemed to fit into Amber’s family

Better than Amber ever had, actually.

So at the age of eighteen she packed up her things and moved out.

She didn’t move far, at first, instead she decided to crash with one of her girlfriends but that honestly didn’t last long.

That was when she began to travel but no one ever seemed to match her wild and adventurous persona.

While she was gone she did do a lot of bad things you could say. One of those things being mixed up with a man who actually sold her for prostitution but you won’t ever catch her talking about that

During one of these wild adventures, though, someone made the joke that they thought her name was Ambrose because of how fast she speaks. Ever since then it just stuck. That was a few years ago ( 25 )

She just recently came back to Kola after deciding maybe it was time to go home and see her family and old friends. But who knows how long this will last.

COLBY BLACKSTONE looks an awful lot like SOFIA BLACK D’ELIA. SHE is TWENTY and while they’re LAID BACK, they have a tendency to get pretty IMPULSIVE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to FAST CAR by KHALID COVER.

papa was a rolling stone..... legit

her dad is a rock star and she’s one of hadley’s siblings

her mom is just as wild and firey as her father with a legit passion for music and maybe did a few songs with him but she was most known for kind of being a hot mess ( courtney love vibes )

which is why it’s so fucking weird that colby is the way she is like? she is just this soft spoken chill individual who likes to take photos

she’s been her parents photographer for events since she was sixteen but she’s been dying to get away from them

so off to kola university it was, where she’s studying photography

she’s here to have a good time and she’s pretty chill

unless you get her stoned then she’s fucking wild

oh and when she’s drunk????

she’s basically a fucking rockstar just like her parents

HARLEM “HARLEY” MADDOX looks an awful lot like MILEY CYRUS. THEY are TWENTY FIVE and while they’re ACCEPTING, they have a tendency to get pretty OBNOXIOUS. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to CURSE OF CURVES by CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR.

Harley is here to steal your girl honestly they flirt with every single female they come into contact with it’s kind of overwhelming

but they arent strictly into females they just feel more comfortable around them

They have always been masc / the dom in every single relationship they’ve been in, romantic or platonic.

They just have always had that more dominant personality type which has lead to them getting into a great deal of fights

When they were seventeen they came out that they identify as agender and go by they/them pronouns but their parents just didn’t seem to get it???

it wasn’t super bad or anything it just lead it to be awkward in their house hold so Harley decided to leave at the age of eighteen after graduation

Ever since they’ve been living with their best friend ( wc )

They work in a liquor store where honestly they get to pick up on a lot of people and get invited to a lot of parties so they dig their life a lot tbh.

BRINLEY JOSEPH looks an awful lot like CHLOE NORGAARD. SHE is TWENTY-ONE and while they’re HELPFUL, they have a tendency to get pretty SKETCHY. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to RAINBOW by KESHA

. oh my god this is my oldest muse I’m bringing in so far and I’m actually writing a book based off her life so there’s a strong ass chance this is gonna be long and I’m gonna have the absolute most muse for her because i know her so well

so basically when brin was 16 her father convinced her to start dealing drugs for her in school because it was like the easiest way for him to make money since so many people in LA, California were smoking pot esp in high school

And her dad has always been like a brodude more than an actual father figure and like she agreed because hey she got to pocket some of the cash and she was able to live her best life right

wrong at seventeen she actually fell in love with someone while her father was gone for a full fucking month and he had the audacity to come back pissed off at her for pulling away from him / he also may be on the run from the cops bc he almost got busted but he was mad at her for the former

so he took her away from la and they began their travels on the road

she never even got to finish high school

Basically she lived in an RV with her father traveling from city to city selling drugs just to get by

Her father had a way with talking to people that made it easier for them to sell and what not but soon, her father’s connection ran dry

She was nineteen the first time one of her fathers friends cornered her in the small RV bedroom and no matter how loud she yelled, he never came.

He swore it’d never happen again.

Three months later it was an almost routine practice and Brinley realized she never meant anything to him

She was too scared to leave and still to this day hasnt

She’s currently living in Kola, California but she’s staying in a motel room

Her father was able to score some drugs when they got there so she’s currently selling but she’s scared when the drugs run out he’s going to turn back to the old routine.

Give me some new friends for her

give me some people who will show her she can leave her father and stay in kola forever

QUINN JAMES looks an awful lot like KEHLANI PARRISH. SHE is TWENTY-THREE and while they’re SELFLESS, they have a tendency to get pretty MESSY. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to THE FEELING by JUSTIN BIEBER.

Quinn is such a mess of a human being I swear to god

She would give her left foot to a stranger if they needed it which is wild because she thinks thats her best attribute

NO IM JOKING BUT SERIOUSLY THIS GIRL WOULD GIVE ANYONE HER WORLD and she’s so quick to fall in love with people it’s absolutely disgusting

but she’s just the kind of person who thinks too far ahead but she’s such a fucking optimist she feels like everything will work out and nothing could POSSIBLY EVER GO WRONG!

wow is she constantly wrong it’s a problem but listen you can’t get her down no matter how hard you try

she’s new so thats legit all i know about her

DANIEL SILVER looks an awful lot like HERMAN TOMMERAAS. HE is TWENTY-THREE and while they’re HELPFUL, they have a tendency to get pretty UNREALISTIC. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to I’LL SHOW YOU by JUSTIN BIEBER.

Oh my god this wild fucking animal right here was well, at first he was cosima silver’s nephew but now since i have them in the same group he’s her cousin and lives with her in the apartment above her little shop

This did not happen easily, oh no, he comes from a family of very strict parents who actually exiled Cosima’s family from their lives at a young age because they believed in her ‘gifts’ and they thought they were crazy

Daniel, though, thought the exact opposite. When they were young and before the split happened Cosima would talk to Daniel about her gifts and he would reel in them and he literally loved it so much

But when they were cast out of the family Daniel sort of realize just how horrible his family actually was??? and how different he was????

Sadly his dumb ass was honestly stuck there until a month ago where he finally packed up his shit and completely bailed on his family then moved in with Cosima and he’s been here ever since

He works in her shop as a tarot card reader or rather, he’s trying to learn how to do it. He has literally no gifts but he wants to help people and maybe start to learn from Cosima

Personality wise he’s my big pansexual mess who is flirting and messing around with just about everyone every chance he gets and he just lives for making out and hooking up and having a good fucking time okay

LANCASTER “LANCE” NASH looks an awful lot like JUSTIN BIEBER. HE is TWENTY-SIX and while they’re RELIABLE, they have a tendency to get pretty IRRITABLE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to HOLY GRAIL by JAY Z FEAT. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

lets start off with the fact that Lance is the oldest of SEVEN CHILDREN his mother being the common denominator

Lance was the first born and her most prized son out of all the kids but as he got older, and she started having so many suitors, and started toying with various hard drugs he sort of lost that connection with her and was forced to grow up way too young.

When he was ten, he already had three siblings, each one of them born a year or two after the other and Lance was the only one who could really take care of them. Him and the second oldest were often left in charge of the kids but they didn’t want much to do with all the kids and Lance sort of understood that.

When he turned nineteen and the second oldest was eighteen they left town without so much as a letter which only forced Lance to become the actual father the whole family needed.

His life has always been about the kids. He now has siblings ranging from 3 to 25 and he usually keeps tabs on all of them.

But ya boi has to make money some how, so, he’s dedicated any time he can get away from the youngest kids to doing what he does best and thats babysitting drug addicts or being a designated driver.

He personally does not do drugs but he knows what to do and how to take care of people when they’re tripping so he has become the druggie babysitter of Kola, California.

He’s honestly a really cool dude who is actually really fucking helpful all of the time

He just gets really god damn moody sometimes and wants to punch people in the throat but think about it his day starts at 6 AM with 2 children and 2 tweens, you’d be moody as hell too by 9 pm while driving some drunk asshole home

HOLDEN CLOVER looks an awful lot like JAMES FRANCO. HE is THIRTY-NINE and while they’re BALANCED, they have a tendency to get pretty FICKLE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to A WALK THROUGH HELL by SAY ANYTHING.

his gif doesn’t match my aesthetic at all or his aesthetic but IDGAF BECAUSE IM ALIVE FOR IT

ANYWAY Holden is a cop:tm: he’s been idolizing them his entire life and now he’s just a good guy cop who sometimes lets people off with a warning and is that ‘cool cop’ around town like

all the kids love him, even criminals like him he’s just really charismatic and seems really chill????

ugh i have literally virtually no information for him other than he was divorced and it’s gonna be one of the many wcs i write up and submit but if someone wants an ex husband who gets too focused on his job all the time hmu for sure

he also has a younger brother who may or may no t better be dave franco

CONOR "CJ" JOHNSON looks an awful lot like NICHOLAS HOULT. HE is TWENTY-SEVEN and while they're COMPASSIONATE, they have a tendency to get pretty RECLUSE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to IDK LOVE by JEREMY ZUCKER.

ok he’s not a zombie in his main verse but like if u think for ( 1 ) second im not turning him into a zombie for the zombie verse ur WRONG!!!!

but lets focus on mainverse cj and talk about zombie cj later

Conor has always been a nice and compassionate kid and honestly, he got married at 23 to the love of his life

But after three beautiful years he lost his wife to a car accident and he hasnt been the same since

a lot of people in town look at him like this poor broken bird because ever since his wife died he hasn’t been able to be like a normal human being

he doesn’t go out

he barely goes to work

he’s going to lose his house

he’s just in a deep deep deep depression and honestly it’s actively sad

but he’s still nice and charming and flirty at times but it’s very rare

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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A Definitive Ranking Of 2000s Rom Coms

Although people who peaked in high school like to act poetic about how great the 2000s were, they werent actually any better than the present day. I mean, it was a time when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wore matching denim outfits in public and nobody carted them off to an insane asylum.

But Im prepared to make a concession on two points: 1) At least we werent under the administration of a sentient slime mold wearing a bad wig. 2) The 2000s were a golden age for romantic comedies, mostly thanks to Judy Greers tireless efforts to play every heroines best friend. Plus, only like half the jokes were sexist, and there was about an 80% chance pre-pretentious Matthew McConaughey would show up.

Obviously, a betch has to be picky about her rom-comssome are shitty in a good way, but others are best avoided in case someone catches you watching them. To guide your Netflix viewings, here’s a totally objective list of 00s rom coms. If you disagree, which Im sure everyone will, please note that Im not actually forcing you to watch these movies; Im just saying that if you regularly watch any of the bottom five, you have terrible taste.

14.

is considered a modern classic by two groups of people. 1) men in their late 20s with a crush on Natalie Portman and a thriving quarter-life crisis and 2) 8th graders in 2004 under the assumption that any movie that features a Shins track in its soundtrack is automatically deep. To everyone else, its a film about self-absorbed white people whining about their lives until theyre magically fixed by the power of mixtapes. There are approximately a zillion issues with this film, beginning with Zach Braffs complete lack of expression and ending with the fact that you cant cure real depression by listening to The Shins, no matter how clearly superior the soundtrack is to anything else in this film. Worst of all, though, is the fact that Natalie Portman played a manic pixie dream girl so obnoxious I still dream about strangling her character sometimes. Padme deserves so much better.

13.

Im not saying romantic comedies have to make much sense, but s plot is mystifying. Matthew McConaugheys parents are tired of him living at home, so they call in a lady high class escort (Sarah Jessica Parker) whose job is literally seducing men into moving out of their parents basements and unceremoniously dumping them. Because that’s plausible, and not at all fucked up to force your son to fall in love with someone you’re paying. Ridiculous premise aside, you know a movie is terrible when famed nicegirl Zooey Deschanel is the best thing about it.

12. Monster-in-Law

In case you missed this one, and for your sake I hope you did, is about Jane Fonda inexplicably being terrible to Jennifer Lopez, who walks a lot of dogs and is engaged to Fondas son. That right there should tell you all you need to knowI cannot think of one movie that JLo was in that was anything above mild torture, and we’re supposed to root for her character why, exactly? If my son was engaged to a full-time dog walker you can best believe I’d do everything short of actual murder to put a stop to that bullshit.

11.

Im told some people love this movie, but Jesus fucking Christ, is it possible for the two main characters to be any more appalling? Here you have two assholes manipulating the shit out of each other and just generally acting psychotic, all to win a stupid bet with their friends. They really should call it “How To Act Like A Psychopath And Lose Your Dignity.”

10.

Not gonna lie, I fucking adored when I was an impressionable preteen. It had time travel! Mark Ruffalo! A makeover scene! Years later, the movie is still fun to watch, even if it is way too obsessed with the 80s, but the jokes are more cute than funny. Also, why would anyone allow their 13-year-old child to go to a sleepover hosted by a 30-year-old? That is … questionable to say the least. Not to mention Jennifer Garner’s character does a reverse transformation from a betch into a nicegirl and dumps her hot pro bf in favor of her formerly fat friend. Blah blah, true love, I don’t give a fuck. Tenth.

is close to being wrapped in cutesy narration, but it’s far superior. For one thing, it reintroduced the world to Joseph Gordon-Levitts dimples. For another, it manages to be a fairly realistic depiction of a shitty millennial relationship without being super fucking depressing. But thats also kind of the problemrom coms arent supposed to be realistic, theyre supposed to be clich and feel-good, and I don’t care what you say, Summer is a thot. I have literally stayed up at night mapping how she could have possibly met someone worthy of engagement a mere 118 days after she broke up with Tom, and only six days after attending a wedding as his guest (yes I did the mathI told you; this movie keeps me up at night). No matter how you slice it, she had to have cheated on somebody.

Full disclosure: As a Southern betch, Im stoked that takes place right next door. (Dear Hollywood: An entire country exists between New York and LA.) But even though it features Patrick Dempsey as the other man, Josh Lucas with a dreamy Southern accent, and Reese Witherspoon, there are still some issues. Mainly, WTF WERE YOU THINKING, MELANIE? Did you really dump your future president fianc for your secret redneck husband just so “the first boy you kissed could also be your last”? I’ve heard of trying to keep your number down, but damn if this isn’t some delusional shit.

Everyone on planet Earth can relate to having a batshit crazy family, and thats exactly what makes appealing. The two leads are fine, considering they’re not Kate Hudson or Matthew McConaughey, but the extended family is everyones favorite part of the movie. Honestly the most memorable moment to come out of this movie is the “put some Windex on it”pretty good deal for Windex, not so much for the people who actually starred in the movie. However, it does get points for the memorable line: “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she pleases.”

The plot is pretty flimsy (a Canadian businesswoman has to marry her assistant to avoid deportation) but everyone loves a story where the couple starts out hating each other and eventually falls in love. The cast is what makes this movie pure rom com gold: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, and Betty fucking White, who gifted us with the infamous Native American dance scene. Basically, it’s predictable but ridiculous, making it better than some of the other garbage movies on this list.

Admittedly, is probably to blame for some of the chubby man-child/beautiful, svelte woman couplings we see in the media that give men unrealistic beauty expectations (of the types of women they can expect to date), otherwise known as The Beyonc/Jay Z Phenomenon. But whatevs. Its a good movie. Seth Rogen has that whole dad bod thing going onapparently a thing some people are intoand Katherine Heigl was at the top of her rom com game before she pissed off the entire cast of .is actually hilarious, which is enough to make up for the fact that Katherine Heigl appears in it.

Even aside from my undeniable crush on youthful Sandra Bullock, is a quintessential early-2000s romantic comedy. Allow me to explain. 1) It stars an ambitious career woman who dont need no man. 2) But she kind of wants one anyway, and everyone realizes what a catch she is when she puts on lipstick and a dress. 3) Did I mention its plot is literally an extended makeover scene as Bullock goes from bad ass FBI agent to bad ass beauty pageant contestant? I rest my case. Add in some cute female friendships and a scene in which Bullock teaches us how to fend off an attacker, and its basically required viewing every year.

You had to know was going to make the list despite this amazing take-down article of why it’s actually terrible. With approximately a bajillion storylines going on, its hard not to find one you like and get invested, and it doesnt hurt that the film features every well-known British actor under the sun. Im not sure how the movie manages to juggle all the different plots without being confusing and/or boring, but Im not gonna question it. However, this shit is TOO FUCKING LONG. If I have to pop an Adderall just to make it through a damn movie (which I do), you need to send your editors back to the drawing board.

is the perfect example of a rom com thats super clich in theory, but in practice, its so fucking heartwarming it doesnt even matter (ugh). Katherine Heigl plays ultimate nicegirl Jane (in case the fact that her name is “Jane” wasn’t enough of a clue), whos been part of 27 weddings and miraculously hasnt gone broke from buying all the bridesmaid dresses. The dudes are pretty forgettable, but Janes psychotic sister and slutty best friend totally steal the spotlight, elevating the film to truly betchy heights.

P.S. For once, James Marsden plays the leading man, so his preternaturally perfect face gets more screen time, #bless.

Bridget Joness Diary is the ultimate feel-good movie, as in its literally impossible to watch it without feeling your icy soul thaw ever so slightly at the end. The titular character starts out fat, single, and past the age of 30, so basically our worst nightmare. By the end, though, she manages to bang Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, land a better job, and become a self-described wanton sex goddess. If those arent your life goals, you clearly need to start your own self-help journey.