#so GUESS WHAT I've got a week and a half left of grad school then I'll be FREEEEEE and I'm gonna make SO MANY gifs | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dracereads · 2 years

Text

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: A MAY WRAP UP POST

Hello, yes. Guess who's a week late to wrapping up the month of May? Me. It's always me. Time is a social construct, and I'm off on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday and this was on my to-do list. I wanted to start doing monthly wraps with not so much the books I read, but what I was doing and how many I ultimately got to start, and any commentary I had for the month to look back on in reflection. On the blog side:

I've gained a few new followers! Hi, yes. Hello. I'm your local idiot who runs a reading blog specifically at a glacial pace. I talk entirely way too much, and if you're ever in the mood for a good chat I'm the one you want because I can never tell when my chattiness is unwanted. It's a character flaw, I think. Real life and summary + goals under the damn cut you're welcome.

So to start off with May: May, you sucked. Hardcore. The beginning two weeks of May were both Hell Weeks. I live in a University town, so the University dropped right at the start into their progression into finals. I work in a restaurant, which translate into someone had collectively disabled the safety button on a college kid’s well-intention'd budget. It’s take out to compliment the side order of tears and stress studying. Then every single organization had awards, grad ceremonies. Catering was a miserable spectacle to prepare. I imagine it was extremely good to enjoy and eat. but. when you've got like 4-5 of them in a day it's a stress-induced nightmare.

Right after College let out, the local high schools started their hell weeks + ceremony wrap-up weeks. So it restarted the whole process with a little more gusto because we serve TWO high-school districts. During the first two weeks I was hamfisting books. I think I started a reading circle with 3 books; then that circle grew to five. Definitely a string of come home and read a bunch of chapters and go to sleep kind of environment. It's actually very cathartic to think about weird fantasy trope filps vs wondering if you didn't count out the correct amount of utensils for the first catering order of the day for the Doctor's Office your CC has been DYING to get into a contract with. This is the better mental habit, even if you have to force yourself to sit and read, Drace. The third week of may brought all of that last minute sales ventures to a screeching halt. With that, I shifted gears into deep cleaning and renovating my room a little bit. As of the day this post goes live (6/7) I will have been without an working air conditioning unit for an entire month. Luckily the gods of Southern heat have been merciful and have tried to deep fry me only twice. I fear for the worst as I get into the heat of June. However, with this sudden need to heat proof my room I finally installed my curtains and UV screens and my room is looking EXCELLENT! Though. Drilling into wood paneling is really dusty. excessively dusty. So book photos and photo shares from now on will have beautiful windows and aesthetic-y stuff because I am definitely striving to add some decoration. I feel like a hamster that's actively trying to enrich it's environment over here, folks. During the last two weeks, I think I only target read. Which is to say: "sucks to be all other books than the ones I want to read with hyperfocus." I have a stack of round table reads that I am going to queue more books into and start fresh again this week. Reading-habits: I think I managed to finish 7 or 8 books in the month of May. Which is a lot more than I was expecting given the fact my schedule was an absolutely maddening crap-shoot.

Goals for June: I want to finish at least a half-dozen or so books that I didn't mange to get finished before May went out like cold bathwater. There are a couple of books sitting with like 3-4 chapters left that I've been savoring because I just don't want to let them go. If I don't finish it I can still hold onto it right? (Wrong, it's time) I have a bunch of stuff that I didn't get around to in May that I would like to sink my teeth into as well. However, that progress is going to be slow and take me forever. Because if you haven't noticed, taking this glacially is the whole point. As for DNFs, there are a couple on my list that I think I'm just going to try and pick back up. If anything I'll give them a few more chapters to get the story out before I decide to DNF them again or finish them for good. The goal here is to just keep on the course of clearing out my physical TBR before I add more things in.

#blog updates #no pictures this time sorry guys #I want to do more drawings this month if i can #don't uh hold me to it though #misc #monthly wraps

2 notes · View notes

raspberryconverse · 1 year

Text

IDK why, but for some reason I decided to read my old Blogger blog and just read the tagged posts about the boy I dated when I was 21.

Oof.

I do see why that one person was team [him], even when I started blogging again on LiveJournal 2 years ago. He'll always be the one who got away.

Don't get me wrong, I am so fucking happy with my spouse. I honestly don't know if he hadn't left for grad school that we would have fared better. I just got to the point where we actually broke up (even though we were trying to make it work long distance) basically because his family didn't like me. I mean, they didn't dislike me, but they most certainly didn't want their son to marry me. And considering parents usually love me (my in-laws do, for sure), it was such a blow.

He actually described it as we were a good dating couple, but not a good courting couple. We're obviously not talking fundie-level courtship, but southern religious vibes for sure. His dad was a Methodist pastor (I used to say he was a WASM - white Anglo-Saxon Methodist as opposed to a WASP, though I guess Methodism is technically Protestant, but hell if this atheist knows how any of that shit works) and they were from the Atlanta suburbs, so it was a very different world from my Midwestern divorced agnostic upbringing. I mean, his sister wrote him a multi page letter expressing her disdain for us taking a nap together when I visited him at his parents' house whereas my mom let us take her bed when we visited my family one weekend. We came from very different worlds, that's for sure.

I actually forgot what kick started our relationship. We had met a month or 2 prior while volunteering at The Neo-Futurists. Oddly enough, I kinda got to know him one night after some event when he, my college best friend, my soon-to-be ex and I ended up at a table together (I've been trying to find the context, but I honestly don't remember other than it was something Neo-Futurist related) Then, a fellow volunteer called me because his car broke down and he couldn't make his volunteer shift and asked if I'd be willing to cover. So we ran into each other again. It was his first time volunteering for Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind and afterwards, I made an offhand comment about being hungry and only having Easy Mac at home, so we went to IHOP.

A few weeks later was my 21st birthday. I had invited him to my birthday gathering, but he had to decline because he had to finish some stuff up at work. Then, he surprised me. After we left the bar, he suggested we get booze at the grocery store and drink at his place instead. My college best friend told me later that she was going to suggest going to another bar so she could basically pull a Stevie and leave so we could have a chance to connect.

Eventually, we need to go home, so he walked us to the el. Before I went though the turnstile, he hugged me goodbye.

And kissed me.

I think this is why I have to watch this part of "Grad Night" every night before I go to bed. It was my birthday and it wasn't supposed to end up this way. He wasn't supposed to be there. But then he was.

It will never not be magical. That moment of, "I'm feeling something here, so I'm just going to go for it."

It has literally been over a decade and a half (yes, I'm still being cryptic about exactly how old I am because this site makes me feel really fucking old sometimes) and I still get butterflies when I think of that night.

One thing that is kind of helpful when I get nostalgic is look at his Facebook and notice he did not age well. Shallow, I know, but aside from being so much heavier than I was then (it's actually pretty disgusting how disordered my eating/weight management was back then, especially when I would complain that I had gotten up to 140lbs and I'm at least 50lbs heavier than that now) and a few gray hairs (and I was dying my hair back then too so that's not really a thing), I look pretty much the same.

(obviously rounder face because I'm significantly heavier, but I don't think I've really aged that much)

And FWIW, I'm definitely happy with how my life turned out.

It's nothing like I thought it'd be, especially reading my old blog, but I don't think I'd have it any other way.

#is this what marriage is?#nostalgia #the one that got away #exes #moving on #college #schitt's creek #schitts creek #ep: grad night #tw weight

0 notes

linkispink1995 · 4 years

Text

Better as friends (23) the facade crashes

Previously

Series Masterlist

Chapter warnings:language,drunkenness and Alison

~~~~~~~~~

Steve's p.o.v

It had been a few weeks since Y/n and I's conversation and it also happened to be the last time Y/n and I spoke since whenever she'd drop Jackson off and pick hi up she'd be really quiet. I was starting to worry that it was maybe my fault , I knew that I shouldn't have asked her that but Alison being Alison continuously asked me that. Speaking of Alison she was now at the 5 month mark and by this time Y/n had a bump and an attitude and Jackson would move around and kick to the sound of voices but Alison so far had no bump unless she did and was just hiding it very well and never ever wanted to talk about the baby or her doctor's appointment. I felt like I was being so let in the dark with Y/n I'd roll my eyes and shrug the things off that she'd tell me and I definitely feel like this was payback. I couldn't belive it , I was scared I was missing thing or that some things just didn't add up , I was currently sitting at my cubicle at work stairing at the clock counting till I could go home. Alison wouldn't be home till late because it was her cousins bachelorette party and she'd be having to drive them since she couldn't be drinking anymore , except for her small glass of wine at night which I still wasn't sure to believe that or not. I had almost fallen asleep in my desk for the third time today when there was a phone call , I sighed before picking the phone up and answering "Hello this is Harrington-" I was cut off by a voice saying. "Yeah whatever listen we need to talk" it was my sister Polly , I sighed saying "I'm not talking to you" before I could hang up she added. "Are you dating Alison Martin" I sighed again saying "why" she responded saying "answer the question" I huffed saying "yeah I am why" Polly was silent before finally saying "do you remember when I was a junior and they put me in a dorm with a freshman" I rolled my eyes as she added. "Now do you remember how I said she was this rich and entitled mean girl who was always out partying and lied like a rug" I answered saying "yeah I remember you nagging about it" she responded saying "it was Alison". I rolled my eyes saying "Polly this is just sad okay stop calling" before she could respond I hung up the phone.

After the ridiculous phone call with Polly I came home to a dark and empty apartment I knew Alison was still out but usually she'd leave a light on. I entered the kitchen to grad a drink out of the fridge when I noticed a small take out box from some restaurant I didn't recognized maybe Alison went out to lunch but when I knew she had classes and a doctor's appointment. I shrugged that off before exiting the kitchen only to be stopped by a shopping bag in the trash and with closer examination I saw that a movie ticket stub was tucked in the bag. Again I brushed it aside thinking it was just paranoia that had been amplified by my phone call with Polly , after a shower and putting on warm close even though it was june the apartment was ice cold per Alison's request and I knew that when Y/n was pregnant that the word no wasn't one she liked . After settling on the couch I sat there before see there was a star wars marathon on tv , as the movie began to play I couldn't help but feel somewhat grateful that Alison wasn't home since I knew by now she'd turn the tv of and give me the speech about it rotting my brain or her speech about how nothing in star wars actually made sense. About half way through the empire strikes back I got up from my seat to open the cabinet above the fridge were I store (hid) away my junk food from Alison since shortly into are relationship she disposed all of mine and insisted from then on out she'd do the grocery shopping.

I awoke to the sound of the front door opening and practically slamming , I sat up to see the ending seen of return of the jedi was playing. I wiped some of the chip crumbs off of myself before hearing noise come from the kitchen , I entered to see Alison standing by the kitchen sink with a glass of water in hand. She was silent except for the small sounds of hiccups coming from her , I spoke saying "are you okay" she ignored me and instead began walking or should I say somewhat stumbling out of the kitchen before she finally spoke to me saying. "Goodnight" alchohol I smelt alcohol on her breath so strong I could almost taste it , I felt nauseous like my whole world had crashed down before I spoke saying "you lied to me" she turned before busting out into a strong laughter before she walked towards me with her finger placed on her mouth saying. "Shhhhh you can't tell Steve okay , it's a secret" she was so drunk she couldn't tell it was me I knew I had to confront her but I wanted to know what the secret was so I asked. "I won't tell him" she responded saying "I'm not pregnant" my heart fell as I began to feel nauseous before she added. "I don't know why I said it It just sorta fell out , but he believed it and I'm so screwed i have no clue what I'm gonna do". I felt my legs become uneasy at her confession as she continued "and I mean I just feel so bad you know he's a really nice guy he deserves someone who doesn't lie to him , he deserves someone who writes him these letters. You know he had someone like that , he had Y/n and you know what after all the stuff he's said to her Y/n still comes back just for that kid. Let me tell you something okay when I was his age my dad left and do you know when , he left on Christmas eve." My face fell in shock before saying "but Steve meet your dad" she chuckled again before saying "who Robert , Robert's my stepfather he's the only decent person in that family. My sister's a nightmare and I won't even get started on my mother , listen I'm tried I'm gonna to bed and don't tell Steve about are little talk." I ignored her words before as she entered the bedroom I didn't know what to do my instinct was to kick her out but I wasn't doing that to someone blackout drunk so instead I sat at the dinning room table to think until I knew I needed to talk to someone. It couldn't be Y/n because it was two thirty in the morning and God only knows what she'd be doing with Stewart. It couldn't be Robin since she left a few days ago to visit Helen up at school , Matt and Collen were definitely a no. I was blanking totally blanking until I knew the one person would wouldn't take my crap and would tell me how it is which is exactly what I needed right now.

I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital before walking in , I walked in before getting to the receptionist saying. "Hi I'm looking for Paige Walker" she nodded before I heard a voice say "Steve" I turned to see Paige in her scrubs before I said "can I talk to you". She huffed before saying "fine" after walking down a hallway to sit on a bench Paige spoke saying "whatever nonsense this is I will take Y/n's side cause you-" I cut her off saying "Alison is lying a being pregnant". Paige's face fell saying "oh Steve I'm sorry" I shrugged saying "whatever it's payback from how I've treated Y/n". She responded saying "you know you might've been a jerk and I'm just saying that word cause I'm at work right now but you never treated Y/n horribly when she was pregnant I mean you stayed there and-" I cut her off again saying "Paige did Y/n tell you I was there when Jackson was born". She nodded before I added "God she really is a good person I mean she must've told you the story she's told Jackson". Paige's face feel in shock before I added "I wasn't there when he was born , I wasn't there when my son took his first breath or opened his eyes for the first time , do you know how long it took for me to realize my son's eyes are brown". She frowned saying "oh my god she protected you from the group cause she knew we'd be mad" I nodded as she added "so why didn't you go to Y/n , why here". I sighed saying "didn't wanna bump into Stewart" she shrugged saying "why would you run into Stewart he's in Florida and they broke up you know that right" . I shook my head as she added "yeah it was mutual I guess" I frowned thinking that was what had Y/n so down these past couple week , why she was so quiet. I spoke again saying "thanks Paige" she nodded saying "sorry I didn't invite you to my wedding" I shook my head saying "don't be it's okay". Paige and sat there in silence before I added "and I really miss hanging out with you guys so-" this time I was cut of by Paige saying "make things right with Y/n and you can hang out with us" I nodded before saying "your right I know exactly what I have to do"

The following morning

It was the next morning and I was running on zero sleep except for that small nap I had during the movies last night. I was sitting at the dinning room table ready to talk to Alison like an adult , as soon as I got home from the hospital I took a seat exactly where I was and rehearsed exactly what I was going to say. My a millionth rehearsal was interrupted saying "don't worry I can hold my own hair up when I'm sick" I ignored her words as she entered the dinning room saying "what". I responded saying "you

Iied to me , to me the person who chooses your side over my own sons , the person who turned his back on his family for you the person who was actually excited to have a baby with you , but it isn't true. You lied to me Alison" she scoffed saying "I don't know what your talking about" I sighed saying "you know what drunk Alison just tells people how it is your not pregnant are you". She had a blank expression before she spoke saying "no I'm not I-" Alison stopped she completely blanked on words before I decided to ask another question. "Did you ever have a roommate named Polly Harrington" she silently added before I continued with my questions. "Did you steal the letter for Y/n , the letter meant for me , did you take it and did you read it". She silently nodded as I added "you know I didn't read it right" she scoffed saying "oh please you had that in your pocket and you don't want me to believe you didn't read it". I rolled my eyes before pulling a sheet of paper out of my pocket saying "you mean this" she nodded as I added "this is something I wrote for Y/n what did you think it was". She responded with "That's it Steve I can't take this anymore" I huffed saying "are you kidding me your upset .She rolled her eyes at my words saying "you Steve I'm upset with you" I huffed again saying "me what did I do , you faked a pregnancy and it doesn't just hurt me it hurts Jackson-" she cut me off saying. "That's it , it's all about the kid" I sighed saying "he's my son what do you want me to do". She then crossed her arms saying "choose" I shrugged in confusion as she added "it's either me or the kid , choose" I couldn't belive it , she sounded like I did when Y/n and I broke up and I then remembered what my mother said "sometimes we need to see someone make the same mistake to know that's what they were". That's when I knew the answer to Alison's question was "Jackson , Jackson Michael Harrington will come before anyone including myself and if you don't like it that's just to damn bad". Alison frowned saying "but I'm your girlfriend" I nodded as she added "and I love you" I nodded again saying "I know but-". She cut me off saying "no buts Steven I'm your-" it was my turn to cut her off saying "Steve my name is Steve not Steven okay" she huffed saying "I love you" I nodded before saying the words that were wanting to oze out of me , "and I love Y/n", her face then twisted into anger saying "excuse me" I nodded saying "I love Y/n" she then sighed saying "but-" I cut her off again saying. "Alison your a horrible person , you attacked Y/n several times , you turned me against my parents and my best friends but not only that you tried to get in between my son and I oh and am I forgetting something else yeah you pretended to be pregnant" before she could say anything else I added "we're done Alison".

Please don't plagiarize my work , stay safe and feedback is appreciated - thanks Meg

Taglist @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @queenofthehairharrington @charmed-asylum

#steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington #dad steve harrington #steve harrington angst #steve harrington au

12 notes · View notes

fatgalfitness · 5 years

Text

These are my someday bins.

Or I guess you could call them my past life bins. Because in a past life, I was small enough to fit into the clothes in these bins. In a past life, I weighed 60 pounds less than I do now. I could shop straight sizes. I could share clothes with friends. I could try things on without fear of getting stuck.

But see, even "skinny Theresa" didn't realize she was skinny Theresa. She still saw fat Theresa. Even though I had lost 130 pounds, the equivalent of a literal other grown woman, it was never enough. I was still too big. Too much.

I swore I would never be one of those statistics. You know the ones. 95% of people who lose significant weight gain it all back. And then some. It's shocking clickbait that is relatively true, though is more medical folk lore than hard data these days.

But then the panic disorder happened. And couple that with serious depression and crippling anxiety, and you get a 90 pound weight gain.

It broke me for a long time. Just a few years ago, I was under 200 pounds. I was lifting heavy things, running half marathons...hell, I did a sprint triathlon just for fun! I don't understand how it happened. How did I fall so far? How did I undo all of the hard work I had done?

Life's a funny thing. And by funny I mean hard as hell. How did it happen? It happened because suddenly, the energy I spent counting calories, cooking crazy healthy meals, and getting up at 5am to run and do CrossFit had to be spent on literally surviving.

When my panic disorder punched me in the face in the middle of grad school, I wanted to die. Not the haha kind, but the serious, I don't want to be on this Earth anymore kind. It's hard to admit that. But when all this hard work started to come undone, it was because I had to fight the part of my brain that wanted to kill me.

So I gave it up. The calorie counting, the 5am workouts, the being strong and together and that fitness chick. I got into therapy, and on medication. I spent my days just trying not to die, nevermind finding my new one rep max.

I spent years in that place. I finished grad school, I moved around, took different jobs, tried different gyms, but it followed me. My year in Louisville was one of the hardest of my life, for a multitude of reasons. It's the year that it all caught up. I had tried running from myself, tried finding quick fixes to keep the weight off. But the life I had to live in Louisville demanded every ounce of me. So I gave up. Again, I just had to survive. I got into therapy. I got off the medication. But I didn't have anything left for eating right. I didn't have the strength to fight the panic and get to the gym.

So I gained it back. Not all of it. But A LOT of it. Not all at once, but soon enough, I looked in the mirror and fat Theresa was back.

Next week marks a year since I moved to Indiana. It has been hard. I've been fighting those same demons since I got here. I still spend a lot of my energy on not dying.

But these days, I've found a little more space. Not a lot. I'm still not up at 5am, cooking the healthiest meals possible, tracking every last calorie, and drinking vodka sodas because they have the least calories. And I might never be back there. But that might not be a bad thing.

See, over the last six months, I've found space. Space to take care of myself again. Space to be that fitness chick again. Space to care about myself, above just trying not to die.

When I moved here, I had three past life bins. But slowly, that space I've found had let me do a few things. Like since I joined revolution fitness, I've lost around 25 pounds. Like finally donating/selling crap I'm never going to wear again, no matter what size I am. I've started eating healthy again. I've started doing active things that bring me joy. These feel like the smallest steps, but it's something. And I need to celebrate something, cause it beats the hell out of nothing.

So those are my someday bins. Maybe, someday, I'm going to lose these 60 pounds and be able to wear these clothes again. Maybe, someday, my brain and I are going to get on the same page and find the pure, sweet joy in a life lived lifting heavy things and eating weird ass healthy recipes I made up. I really hope that someday becomes a reality. But if it doesn't, I'm going to have to get okay with that too. Maybe my someday is only 30 pounds away. Maybe my someday is actually right now. The thought of that scares the hell out of me, because fat Theresa is not the version of Theresa that I want to spend the rest of my days with. BUT if fat Theresa lives a healthy, fulfilled life in this body? Okay.

Okay. That's okay. If these someday bins are not actually someday bins, but only past life bins, okay. I fought like hell through this entire journey. So no matter where we go from here, I have to be proud of past and present Theresa. She's been through hell. But she's still here.

#fatgalfitness #small victories

1 note · View note

toastvii · 2 years

Text

I keep having this dream where I'm back in grad school and I'm right on top of my deadlines. I'm getting things done before they need to be done instead of at the last minute like always. I've kept it up the entire semester with a bunch of assignments due at different times throughout. I've only got exams left, and I think sometimes I may have already done some of them.

Then I remember there's this other class with one big assignment due at the end, and an exam. The assignment is worth most of the final grade, but the exam isn't anything to sneeze at either, and I haven't even been attending that class. Somehow I've forgotten an entire class, and obviously I won't be prepared for the exam. The first time I remember having this dream, there would be a time crunch, but I could probably get through the assignment and turn it in. Other times, the deadline was getting closer and closer. I think I'd remember having the dream before while dreaming it again and interpret it as having remembered about the assignment and forgotten again. Sometimes I remember that I've forgotten about the assignment several times and it's just getting later and later. Sometimes when I wake up I think I need to get going on my assignment before realizing I graduated a few years ago now.

This time, I had the dream again and something happened that has never happened before. Instead of deciding to power through the assignment, I went to the class. I guess I was going to speak to the prof? It was past the drop date, so I don't know what I thought they could do for me. They weren't there yet when I got there so I took a seat behind a girl that the dream told me I remembered from the first lecture and she turned around to talk to me about how I hadn't been in class since the first one and she said she'd help me with the assignment because it was allowed to be done in pairs or alone so she could just put my name on hers if I'd help her finish it up and she'd help me prepare for the exam too. I was like, hell yeah, but also, why are you helping me? And she said she was glad I came back to the class because she'd wanted to get to know me but then I totally skipped all the other weeks and I'm pretty sure she was flirting with me? (Can't tell if a girl is flirting with me even in my dang dreams smh)

I could make sense of the first half of the dream, the bit that keeps recurring, as some kind of anxiety thing, but I don't know what I'm even anxious about? And is it normal to have an anxiety dream just miraculously work itself out? Is this supposed to be some sort of after school special where I'm supposed to learn that I don't have to do things on my own, I can ask for help?

I dunno. It was pretty weird though. Wonder what happens if I get the dream again.

#dream journal #what does any of this mean

0 notes