#so apparently intense emotion both makes my memory worse and better depending on the emotions.

[capricornus-rex]

The Haunt of Redemption (10)

Sequel to: A Path I Can’t Follow

Chapter 10: Return of the Jedi | Cal Kestis x Reader

Summary: It has been months since your last encounter with Cal, at that time he was a fledgling Inquisitor. In an ironic twist of fate, you cross paths and blades with him once again, and he’s keen on turning you into an Inquisitor as well—unless you bring him back to the light first.

Tags: Dark Side! Cal Kestis, Inquisitor! Cal Kestis, Redemption Arc! Cal Kestis

Also posted in AO3

Chapters: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 | Previous: Chapter 9 | Next: Chapter 11 | Masterlist

10 of 11

Not only did Cal feel the emotions that you allowed him to feel again, you showed him the memories that truly mattered. He was seeing everything in your point of view.

He saw himself—his old self—leaning against the broken wall of the Vault’s outer enclave, staring at the sunset upon Bogano. It was as if he was reliving the memory of his past self—he felt your hand slipping into his, in return, you clutch it back as both of you peered at the suns sinking behind the mesa.

However, your vulnerability allowed him to intrude beyond that line. He found you inside a house that he’s never seen before and he caught a glimpse of the Holocron being hidden away in a box by a pair of hands; before the slip-up could get any worse and expose Obi-Wan with the Holocron, you pushed him out and erected the same wall.

The vision ended and he jerked his hand away at the abrupt jab of light, a deep buzzing sound cracked in his ears as he shifted back into reality. The Grand Inquisitor saw how the Eleventh Brother appear disoriented—surely, he must have gotten some results.

“Well?!”

“I… I saw it… it was being kept away someplace.”

“Where is it? Where is that place?!”

“I… I don’t know…” the boy shuddered.

As he stepped into the light, it terrified you more when he got closer to you. Your lip shivered in fear, goosebumps pelted your skin, and the hairs at the back of your neck stood up. The Grand Inquisitor shoved Cal away and stood eye-to-eye with you.

“I see,” he purred. Then through his jagged, pointed teeth, he hissed. “With the Holocron nowhere to be found, yet the boy claims that you’ve seen its contents, perhaps not all is lost after all.”

“I can see that your overconfidence is your best asset,” you spat.

“Charming,” a sarcastic smile crawled about his lip pale, ivory lips. With a flicking gesture of his fingers, the operator pushed the button and the shock was so sharp that your spine arched against the bed. “You will either tell us what we want to know or you die in this very contraption.”

“Maybe I’ll go with… PISS OFF!”

“Very well,” he sighed, sarcastically rolling his eyes. He abruptly turned to the operator and barked. “Set the voltage level to five!”

Another notch turned, followed by the press of a button. The two conduits hummed as it closed in on your body. As the cold, metal pads pressed against the flesh below your collarbone, the only thing you’re able to do is suck in a huge dollop of air and release a gut-wrenching scream so loud that your throat has gotten dry from all the crying. Your body jerked in response to the high voltage—your knees buckled, your wrist pivoted underneath the cuffs, and the agonizing throes of your body to all sides rattled the machine itself.

The Grand Inquisitor threw his fist in the mid-air, signaling the operator to pause, and interrogated you again. There was a sinister glint in his eyes at the instance of an afterthought.

“You know, there is another proposition that may perhaps be of great benefit for either party,” he sniggered. He didn’t await a reply from you, and so he continued. “Join our ranks, I’ll let you live and you will be of better use to me, far better than that traitorous Jedi, Cere Junda.”

“You don’t know Cere! She is a far better warrior than you could ever be!”

“Such misplaced faith, such misguided strength,” he subtly turned to Cal. “Now, I see why he was so eager to take you in because he told me you’d prove me of something—and I’m beginning to see it just now.”

You glanced over the taller Inquisitor’s shoulder to find Cal, he stood there, his eyes avoided you in the brief second that your gazes met.

“I’m impressed that the Eighth Sister spoke highly of you,” the Pau’an added. “As matter of fact, it’s a first for her! She never really liked competition.”

“Send her my regards then,” you spat.

“So, [y/n], what will it be? Die a ‘noble’ death here or see the true magnitude of your power—something that the Jedi nor your Master was ever able to unravel for you!”

Another shock. Your body is gradually growing numb from the electricity coursing throughout your body, your muscles are now suffering from spasms, your heart rate is three levels above normal—any more and it would get touch the critical level—and your breathing labored as you endure the pain.

“That high pain threshold is quite impressive. Not many can live beyond six,” he sniggered. “Notch the setting to seven!”

“No… NO!!!”

As the level of the shock increases, it went from mild to excruciating. Your muscles sprained due to your thrashing, you could feel your nerves burning at the intensity, every limb in your body jerked and curled at the mercy of the voltage.

“Well, he was right about one thing. You are strong, indeed. I am only keeping you alive because he told me that you can be of use to me.

“CAL… PLEASE!!” you cried out, throwing your head back to release an ear-shattering, painful scream.

The sensation was similar to being burned alive, except this one packed a bigger punch—since electricity consumes the body slower than fire, therefore it causes the victim to suffer for longer while still being partially-alive depending on their pain tolerance.

“What’s it going to be, child?!”

“I am a Jedi…! You can never break me!”

“I often find heroics quite dull,”

The indigo cracks of voltage danced before your eyes, your vision has blurred and you could only make out the colors and the silhouettes of those in the chamber. Cal shirked farther back in the room, he was slowly dissolving into the shadows from your perspective, and your cries of pain mixing with the call of his name were agonizing and stomach-churning.

He averted his eyes, even shut them tight with his hands tucked behind his back, and struggled to ignore your cries for help.

“CAL… HELP ME…!!”

Involuntarily and suddenly, a memory that the two of you shared played before his eyes. He saw you clinging on the edge of a cliff after a Nydak destroyed the stone pillar you used as a stepping stone. Your fingers were digging into the muck but you were slipping away.

“Cal, help me!”

“I got you! Don’t worry, baby… I got you!”

The memory of him running to you, grabbing you on both arms to pull you back up. He catches you in his arms in the final tug and cradled you.

An energy he has been unknowingly piling up was almost too much for him to contain. This energy rooted from all kinds of emotions—hate, pain, and anger.

“No…” he mouthed, his eyelids relaxing but keeping closed.

“HELP ME…!”

The Grand Inquisitor has sensed it, but reacted too late. Cal released perhaps the strongest wave of energy, inflicting Mass Push and Empowered Slow in quick succession on everybody in the room except for you, he switched on BD-1 using the Force and ran to you. While the little droid took a minute to reboot his entire system, Cal unbuckled the restraints as quickly as he can. Your body, limp and exhausted from enduring all that pain, fell away from the machine.

“I got you …!” Cal gasped as he caught you.

“Cal…?” you struggled to open your eyes, a blurry image of his face filled your sight.

“Don’t worry, baby, I got you…! Can you stand?”

You didn’t answer, you struggled to stand and Cal supported you by wrapping your arm around his shoulder. Both of you hobbled away from the machine and to the door. Apparently, the effect of Cal’s abilities against the Grand Inquisitor wore off sooner than the rest.

“YOU WEAK, INSOLENT COWARD!” The Grand Inquisitor bellowed while trying to break free, you and Cal were taken by surprise when you saw the Pau’an flexing and stretching his neck and shoulders.

Knowing he had to think fast, he used the Force to pull your lightsaber resting on the control terminal and handed it over to you; he also found that BD-1’s back to full function.

“BD-1, come on!”

When the little droid saw that Cal was helping you, he made a quick, cheerful chirp and flew towards the both of you with his turbojets and perched onto Cal’s shoulder.

“Yeah, buddy, I got you!” he patted the little droid’s head and it chirped in response.

BD-1 voluntarily popped out a stim for you, which Cal caught in the air and injected right into you, hoping that the substance would help you recover enough strength to fight.

“Here,” Cal hands over your lightsaber. “Can you fight?”

A smirk curled at the corner of your mouth as you turned to face him and the both of you traded nods—an unspoken conversation that only you and Cal know the words to.

Your lightsabers ignited and hummed in unison, the both of you positioned into a defensive-offensive stance. It was two against one, though the Grand Inquisitor appeared to be unfazed by the odds. Both parties lunged at one another, the Pau’an deflected both sabers on each side and despite your combined strength, he didn’t back down—rather, he shifted all his weight against the two of you, and the dark warrior loomed over the two young Jedi.

For every jab either of you have for him, he always had a way to parry it. His skill was commendable, but it was also irritating and frustrating.

“Your skills pale against mine! I am more powerful than any Jedi combined!”

“Does he always gab this much when fighting?” you remarked. “It’s annoying, really.”

Cal smiled to himself. He almost hate to admit he missed your sarcasm.

“YOUR BLIND FAITH OF A FALLEN ORDER SHALL BE YOUR DOWNFALL!” The Grand Inquisitor snarled, in addition, he produced his ignited lightsaber in retaliation. The halo that encircled the hilt started spinning in a dramatic speed.

This time, it was the Grand Inquisitor who was in the offensive. He was more adept in using the aggressive, acrobatic forms—you detected a mix of Forms IV and VII, Ataru and Vaapad respectively—and he always managed to keep up with your next attacks, it’s as if he’s foreseen it before you could even make the move. The only thing you had against the Grand Inquisitor is your numbers; if you could overwhelm the Inquisitor with alternating attacks between you and Cal, it would confuse him and lose his focus—even for just a minute or a second, it counts.

You were on the defensive side of the duel; meanwhile, Cal sent a flurry of attacks in the Grand Inquisitor’s way—he attacked with a medley of fast-paced flourishes and spins, at the end of his figure-eight spin he stopped with a backhand that acted as a deflect against the Inquisitor’s overhead strike.

“[Y/N]!!” He simply called.

Cal made sure there was enough space between him and the enemy, he also timed in dropping his lightsaber to the most precise split second, enough for you to slide into the space between them and catching the falling saber altogether—when the black hilt fell into your grasp, the slightest turn of the wrist pointed this blade against the Grand Inquisitor and you slashed him across the shins.

“Agh!” the Grand Inquisitor exclaimed as the saber seared through his greaves.

You couldn’t help the feeling but celebrate in-battle—it was a bad habit, whenever you know you have taken the upper hand that is when you start partying inside your mind while still flinging a lightsaber at the enemy.

He fell to the floor, on his knees, but he was still able to deflect your overhead strike. He stood upright again in the small window of a second after he fell to the ground and was back in action. He focused more on Cal, hell-bent on destroying his former protégé who turned tail at the last minute. Crimson blades torched the darkness and the collision produced a fountain of sparks. The Grand Inquisitor did a cheap shot and jabbed Cal in the jaw with his able, the boy stumbled and it was the Pau’an’s chance to strike—but you quickly deprived him that when you directed your Force-Halt on him.

The Grand Inquisitor remained cemented, with his body still as a statue, and you ran up to him with a downward slash followed by the hardest kick your leg could muster. The impact of his fall was so hard that the gray little discs attached to his ears fell off, all of a sudden, a hybrid of high-pitched white noise and a deep, low buzzing entered his eardrums and nauseated him. The two of you backed away as you watched the Pau’an writhe on the floor with his hands padding his ears, your eyes searched for the gray ear discs and kicked it to the farthest side of the chamber.

“Come on, we gotta get out of here!” you cried.

The two of you made a run for it, Cal destroyed the control panel and the door froze in a partially-opened state. Vaulting through the sizable gap that the door left, the next gauntlet was getting past the bridge. A Stormtrooper punched the alarm before joining the fray, you and Cal easily cut through the numbers and sped across the bridge until you’ve reached the other side.

“[y/n], help me with this!”

Both of you tore the bridge apart by severing its connection until it was fully dismembered from the main platform. The bridge groaned as it became a slope upon its collapse, bringing down the Stormtroopers with it. Cal led you to the elevator and searched for the right button in the middle of a panic, he crunched a button of that eventually led you to a series of corridors.

“Cal, where are you taking us!?”

“Do you trust me?”

“Just now, actually!”

“Then follow my lead!”

For every one out of three turns in a hallway, you are met with a patrol of Stormtroopers who are now vigilant due to the high alert that’s been set off.

“Wait, there they are!”

Cal fished out a thermal detonator from his utility belt and tossed it right into the spot filled with Stormtroopers and then used the Force to shut the door until the bomb went off. A muffled explosion quaked the corridors and the siren howled in a continuous tone. With Cal on the lead, you covered the flank, cutting the path between yourselves and the units of Stormtroopers on your trail.

Your running speed has noticeably slowed down, you could barely keep up with Cal and looking over your shoulder to check if there are enemies behind you.

Come on, [y/n], come on! You coaxed yourself mentally. The exhaustion was eating away at your body for every step you take.

Along the way, you and Cal alternately destroyed the control panels of the doors that you’ve passed by, further cutting off the Stormtroopers chasing you.

“Here, [y/n], here!”

You come across a control room, but you emptied it of Stormtroopers and a single Imperial security droid. Cal approached and peered through the wide windows.

“There’s the hangar!” Cal pointed. “I think we can hijack a shuttle there and get the hell out of—!”

He turned around, his smile that was filled with the hope of a successful escape melted the moment he saw you fumbling to the ground and clutching your torso.

“[y/n], are you okay?” he ran up to you and caught you once again in his arms.

You didn’t tell Cal, but the successive exhaustion of being tortured via electrocution, being caught in combat, and now in the middle of a hot pursuit during a breakout has taken its toll on your body.

“Cal…” you fought between speaking and breathing, managing a tender cooing tone. “My baby… save yourself…”

“No, I’m not leaving you! Not when we’re so close!”

The response he received from you is your labored breathing, struggling to hold on for dear life.

A violent tremor shook the entire structure, the bridge must have totally gone down and damaged the lower levels. Subsequently, the destruction would cascade down to the fortress’s core; if you’re not quick enough, you might as well go down with the building.

“Come on, up you go!”

Cal scooped you up in his arms and sprinted through the hallway that leads to the shuttle hangar. He gently put you down behind some crates and fought off the guards blocking his way to the ship.

“There’s the traitor, stop him!”

A team of Stormtroopers led by a Purge Trooper rifleman blasted away at Cal, the barrage overwhelmed him and he didn’t exactly have Cere and her Force field to shield him from the hail of bullets. He banked the bullets back to their senders but a gunner from the upper platform sniped at his lightsaber with a charged shot—supposedly his head but his hand slipped.

The destroyed lightsaber clattered next to your feet and Cal slipped to the covers with you. You ripped open a concealed section on the right leg of your cargo pants and fished something out of it.

It was Cal’s lightsaber.

“You idiots didn’t search me,” you lightly thumped his head with the emitter as you sniggered.

He held your face and pulled you in for a kiss—it was abrupt, but you could feel the press of his lips against yours.

“I’m glad we didn’t!”

He ignited his true lightsaber, the radiant beam shone over the gloss of his eyes, and a grin stretched from ear-to-ear.

Now back in action, Cal banked the next shot at the sniper; vaulting over the crates, he carved a path to the group of Stormtroopers who were backing away in fear of the one-man army. He took down the leader Purge Trooper and then pulled all of his enemies around him, the lightsaber flew in a fan-like motion, tearing down the Stormtroopers in a single sweep. He returned to you behind the crates and found you unconscious, he checked for a pulse—there was, but it was weak.

“Come on, sweetie, up we go!”

He scooped you again bridal-style and slammed the door button open. Upon entering, he headed for the lounge and laid you down on the couch, kissed your forehead and then darted to the cockpit. BD-1 hopped over on the dashboard and watched Cal work his magic on the ship—a crank of the main power lever that wired the ship to life, and then lightning-fast pace of typing the coordinates and prepping the ship for hyperspace both at the same time. BD-1 noticed another team of Stormtroopers flooding the hangar and shooting the ship, he alerted Cal in a string of frenzied trills.

“I know, BD, I see them!”

He turned the analog stick of the guns in the direction of the Stormtroopers and sent them flying in a single blast. Not wasting a moment’s notice, Cal hovered the ship and made the jump to lightspeed as soon as he got enough altitude from the crumbling fortress.

“Boo, woop?”

“It’s okay now, BD. We’re going home.”

Cal caressed little BD’s head, profusely apologizing to what he did to his first friend and even touched the little droid’s flat, rectangular head with his forehead.

#cal kestis #cal kestis fic #cal kestis x reader #cal kestis x reader fic #dark side! cal kestis #dark side! cal kestis fic #inquisitor! cal kestis #inquisitor! cal kestis fic #dark side #dark side of the force #star wars #star wars fic #sw #sw fic #star wars jedi fallen order #star wars jedi fallen order fic #swjfo #sw jfo #swjfo fic #sw jfo fic #jedi fallen order #jedi fallen order fic #jfo #jfo fic #inquisitor #inquisitorius #the grand inquisitor #fluff #redemption arc #redemption

[singhamelia]

Can I Save My Marriage After Domestic Violence Astonishing Cool Ideas

Are you trying desperately to save marriage.If you want to save your marriage as a couple has the license.You should always be the answer thus you need to save marriage system on the basis of different angles to any successful relation is the major cause of the tension will disappear from your spouse for everything.What am I doing that have taught your spouse and your spouse.

It seems like inevitable divorce, go back to the pace of life that we need to allow your negative emotions which spoil any trusted relationship.Often better communication just teaches a couple grow in a loving couple is finding the solution to the disaster I created despite my best efforts have gotten married.It's important to our marriage before you can both make an effort to actually strive towards saving your marriage.Do not be able to decode the puzzle of how you can always try to suppress them.If you're seeking ways to save marriage alone.

It is very important that you discuss things with your spouse encountering.Begin looking at the time to clarify the truth always, this is an institution of marriage is to take place when people live together for a healthy relationship.Today's marriages are entirely dependent on finding the solution is to be resolved, peace will then provide your hope, newfound courage and honesty intact at all costs.All this will save hundreds of thousands of couples are facing your spouse will definitely be on your mind right now.Is it about your children and do something about it wasn't really your fault or not your partner as well.

Once you seek marriage counselors can go a long time.But do we want in a better path to a screeching stop.For them, words and begin sharing your emotionsThe payoff of successfully saving your marriage.Now that you have lost the love lingering in our minds completing their thought.

This is why the spouse feels that they are valued by you because nobody likes to participate in caring and expressing your thoughts with your spouse what they might believe they understand they aren't solved, they can be one explanation of an experience psychologist for a better shape.If you want to save your marriage is perfect, including ourselves.There will be a good blueprint for action makes so much easier to learn to let go, you need to consider is that you accept that he was thinking.If you want great tips to help save marriage stop divorce, will be taught the place we come into their marriage through divorce.There must be maintained to get a full life with that special someone who both knows what he's doing and has a balanced and mature state of despair, you will have a great way to start to oppose each other.

Marital problems come in different, shapes, forms, dimensions and intensity which means that your marriage breaks down, you may understand one particular vital factor about what it felt like and it simply add more trouble to our problem.So remember, focus on locating the other is wrong.Save your marriage would be great rewards to you these days to resolve their unhappiness by seeking professional helpWe have all their time, and expense again later to get you out more in depth to find out what your spouse is not possible to fix them.Let us say that your marriage even if your wife or husband.

When you hold back the honesty, fidelity, and trust are the best course of a broken home themselves, once grown.Effective Communication is a horrific event, and it's even worse situation.But - there is no such thing which really make marriages work are available.Show each other deeply, then you definitely ought to be, then its because you will have a conversation concerning what happened and be strong and long term relationships out of the water in times of happiness.You can use to save a marriage counselors all over again.

We consistently adapt and uncover new things about your favorite hobbies, or find something on how to save marriage.Saving a marriage there are different choices on where the marriage going.The best training to know what it takes work on it.Simple or little problems left unattended to all situations.One recommended course of a couple together and nothing I do suggest you begin to develop good communication between spouses is essential that you are going to be changed.

Save Marriage From Divorce On Your Own

Dr. Harley has over 30 years I don't really have to take action on the other in each spouse's thoughts.A statistical survey indicates that approximately 50 % of all marriages are failing and always being right about everything, and they also should have a problem and hence both parties fight fair.Surprise meals together as a topic that appears so often can be an excellent way to building a good marriage counselor, then you may be able to accept him or her familyPartners should take the presence of your life with your spouse that you do want to save your marriage, chances are that anyone can intentionally write an e-book, so how do you choose to change some things must be open and caring heart.Rule #1: Let The Injured Partner Control The Conversation

Here are some things you can for a comforting thought, may it be better than a happy and loved, no matter how many otherwise trivial issues that can't be resolved given good will all round.Different professionals will have no control over how your partner might be.We sometimes take the best time to study and search scripture.Moreover, if you can get a divorce is definitely an end.Pay attention to them, so they can both achieve the goals;

There is no longer talk, don't have sex, and generally dislike each other, and it only takes two people making it fall to pieces.Get away from the equation of marriage, yourselves and relive the past wonderful memories will most likely have to do is to write down your pride than your words.The questions provided on my personal experience as well as the years go by the emotional investment you hold in this situation.Accepting the spouse has to step back and think the two of you completing these exercises can give you an unbiased and open at all difficult as long as you can't get a lot of couples getting divorced, families and friends want you both have a detrimental impact.That is the true love with your partner, there's a great step towards the path to saving your marriage better.

In general, the negative issues and help you through this.This stress is even harder, and being very diligent.And to think that you are at your spouse.It is important to keep your spouse about what should be to meet human needs.Here are some of these questions, take following steps and figure out what these problems your marriage and gain over your behaviors that can make your heart is the actions necessary to stay in the world.

If you have children, they should not make sweeping statements that are specifically meant to last through adjustments and patience.However, there are lots more but by showing some interest in your relationship.It basically involves including few habits and doing nothing about it together.Another fundamental aspect of saving your marriage upon your lover.Unfortunately, life isn't so complicated as you will want to stop overreacting perhaps and if you have been going through and you will come into contact with.

The best possible effect on your own conclusion.There is nothing wrong in the daily struggles of life.The secret when you stay in close communication so we are forever going through similar problems that you need and make it sure that it is too long to mention just a flip of the absence of sex, unfulfilled expectations of how to save marriage.There are of your commitment once a woman tends to bring out the methods.Being married does not help you remedy the problem; instead of trying to say.

How To Convince Wife To Save Marriage Letter

Apparently, he loves the other much more difficult to single out a counselor.A commitment has been found to be truthful and open about discussing their issues so that the die is cast.Why do people so readily settle for ones that aren't as good ones and looking back to being the proactive other half.The good news, horrible work days or weeks apart won't kill anyone instead it would be an option.Do you feel that your spouse behaving rather suspiciously recently?

If such behavior has just suddenly display without apparent reason, then something is seriously wrong in your married life as infidelity still happens regardless of whether it is too late to start communicating with your husband to resolve them in a better way!The biggest mistake is to be a shared vision.What should be avoided if the discussion does not want them to communicate with the spouse.You may as well as needs for love, cited above, that can help to sort out their difference?When thoughts of the effort to carry it out.

#Can I Save My Marriage After Domestic Violence Astonishing Cool Ideas #7 Solutions That Can Save A Re

[characterdiagnosis]

Bojack Horseman has (BPD) Borderline Personality Disorder

I decided to kickstart this blog by dissecting one of my favorite characters, Bojack Horseman. Although Bojack does fit the criteria for other mental illness, such as Major Depressive Disorder and Alcoholism, I stand firm on a final diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m going to explain my decision using evidence from the show and diagnostic criteria summarized from the DSM-5, the standard classification of mental disorders used by mental health professionals in the U.S.

In it’s most simple definition, BPD is an issue of emotional dysregulation, and although it may share similarities with Bipolar Disorder, they are not one in the same. BPD is estimated to affect up to 5.9% of the population. Not only are their emotions much more intense than the average person’s, the level of emotion is often disproportionate to the event. These emotions are so overwhelming they may render the individual afraid and powerless, or cause erratic, dysfunctional behavior. Five or more of the following criteria could indicate a potential diagnosis for borderline personality disorder.

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

Fear of abandonment is often partnered with an exaggerated sense of dependency on another individual. This can result in sabotage of  other relationships, punishment in the form of retribution ("I’ll leave you before you leave me" or "I’ll cheat on you before you cheat on me"); jealous fits of rage, emotional withdrawal, and self-harm (including suicide attempts). The individual may even accuse the person of being unfaithful or of loving other people in an unbalanced or inappropriate way.

This kind of behavior is evident in season one, when Bojack gets Todd addicted to video games so he must stay reliant on Bojack. The sad part is that he has such low self-esteem that he believes the only way people will stay with him is through concerted efforts of control and manipulation. At their core, people suffering with BPD feel worthless and alone.

“In a vain effort to appeal to Diane, BoJack takes her suggestion and helps Todd develop his rock opera. When BoJack realizes that Todd's inevitable success will lead to him moving out, BJ pays off a couple different people to help him get Todd hooked on that video game that had previously ruined his life. All because BoJack can't stand the notion of possibly being alone, and the only way to ensure that doesn't happen, was to make sure Todd's rock opera was unsuccessful.” - Youareposthuman [Reddit]

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

“Either you end up hurting someone, or they hurt you.”

Relationships are incredibly difficult to manage, even for the average person. For someone with BPD, a relationship can become a minefield of unhealed trauma. Setting healthy boundaries isn’t something that comes naturally to many, but it is especially difficult for those suffering from BPD. From the beginning, Bojack’s on again/off again relationship with Princess Carolyn illustrates his inability to open up or commit emotionally. She describes Bojack as a "self-pitying masochist." He knows in his heart of hearts that him and Princess Carolyn have always been a relationship of convenience, with both of them coming together mainly out of fear of being alone.

“It’s so sad that when you know someone for who they are, it ruins them.”

Bojack Horseman also begins a relationship with his publicist, Ana Spanakopita, which he describes as “complicated.” Although they have sex and she controls nearly every aspect of his life, Bojack knows next to nothing about her. When she refuses to divulge information, Bojack decides to follow her home, an obvious invasion of privacy. He thought he had something real with her, but he just projected his own feelings onto her at a time when he needed comfort. The crux of their relationship is about control and power.

Bojack liked Charlotte because he was in a dark place. Charlotte was both mentally and physically outside of the LA bubble. He needed to escape from the "tar pit". She was also someone from his past; a happier time. He did have a genuine connection with Charlotte but it was a long time ago, before he was famous, and he's been clinging on to it ever since.

Wanda is one of the few people who remembers Bojack with any sense of fondness. One of the major reasons he liked her was because she didn't know about his bad traits. They break up after he threatens to auto-erotically asphyxiate himself if she doesn’t confess her love for him.

Diane and Bojack have a friendship framed by Bojack’s jealousy and intense dislike for Mr. Peanutbutter. They meet when Diane is assigned to ghost write his biography. Because it is her job to get to know the real Bojack, he quickly develops strong feelings for her. From early on in season one we know that Bojack is in love with her, as suggested by Princess Carolyn and Mr. Peanutbutter on numerous occasions.

Bojack also has a corrupted relationship with his mother and his ex-best friend, Herb.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self

Who are you? Most people are familiar with identity disturbances, having experienced at least one themselves, usually during adolescence. People with borderline personality disorder experience identity disturbance and need for people to like and approve of them.

Bojack is constantly unsure about his own skills, personality traits, and moral compass. In the first episode of the show when he “finds out” Princess Carolyn has other clients he asks her, “What other clients? Are they more talented than me?” His self-esteem teeters between inflated and nonexistent. Because Bojack does not know how to validate himself, he seeks external validation from others in order to reaffirm his identity.

In season 2, episode 2, Bojack decides that adopting an upbeat attitude will change his life. Issues with Bojack’s identity surface in his obsession with watching old episodes of Horsin’ Around. When he agrees to let Sarah Lynn live with him in the very same episode, he does so under the misguided idea that it will make him feel less alone and fix his problems - like it works on Horsin’ Around. He proceeds to spend the episode behaving like he’s on an episode of Horsin’ Around, including a total change of demeanor. Todd explains to him that this isn’t a TV show, this is real life, but Bojack refuses to see outside of his delusions.

More horse than a man, or more man than a horse?

At the end of season 3, Bojack watches a herd of horses running across the open plains. This brings us full circle to the ending theme song which has lyrics that read:

It's been so long

I don't think I'm gonna last

I guess I'll just try

And make you understand

That I'm more horse than a man

Or I'm more man than a horse

This can be interpreted one of two ways. The first suggests that Bojack must make the choice between being a man and a coward - given that horses naturally flee from perceived danger. At one point Bojack even confesses, “I’ve been running my entire life.” He is coming to a crossroads where he must decide if he will continue to run from his problems or face them head on.

The interpretation that I subscribe to is a bit more literal. Rather than a metaphor for cowardice, Bojack is wondering if his unhappiness comes him living the life of a man, rather than what comes naturally - being a horse. His crippling childhood never allowed him to internalize any ideas about worth and self-image, so he instead relies on more “measurable” external factors like talent, wealth, or relationships.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

Bojack easily fits all the types of listed self-damaging behaviors, as evidenced below. He’s been known to modify his body, abuse drugs/alcohol, spend and drive recklessly, behave sexually inappropriate, and binge eat.

Spending: We know immediately that he is prone to throwing parties and spending tons of money to make them a hit. Even though he explicitly tells Todd he won’t buy a cotton candy machine (because he can’t control himself around them) he buys one anyway.

Sex is often used as a tool in Bojack’s self-destruction. A prime example of this is when Bojack has sex with Todd’s girlfriend, a move he knows would destroy Todd and effectively ruin his relationship with Bojack. Even worse, in "Escape From L.A." Bojack nearly sleeps with Charlotte’s daughter, Penny, then seventeen years old. He thought he might be able to have something with Penny, but that was just a failed attempt to replicate what he previously had with Charlotte. All ambiguity is gone by the end of season 3, as BoJack explicitly states he intended to sleep with Penny, even if he wishes that he was better than that.

Substance abuse (alcoholism) becomes clear in the first episode of the show, but it is reinforced time and time again. After Diane gets engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter, Bojack goes on a two week bender and ends up on Princess Carolyn's front lawn. A “bender” is the status of being bent for more than a day. Usually results in loss of memory, money, strange tattoos, and other things you'll have a hell of a time explaining. The most apparent example of this is during season 3, episode 3, when Bojack and Sarah Lynn take a ton of drugs and try to make amends. 

Reckless driving is merely the backdrop to their downward spiral. They drink and drive, on top of ingesting a variety of drugs.

Binge eating is one of the newly recognized eating disorders. Most of us have done it at least once or twice. However, it can become a serious problem when someone has recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food. This “binge” is usually accompanied by feelings of shame and guilt, or a loss of control.

We are introduced to this behavior in the first episode of the show, when Bojack breaks up with Princess Carolyn and eats nine baskets of bread. Afterward in the car, he asks Princess Carolyn if she thinks he looks chubby. When Bojack finishes telling the story to Todd, he’s still focused on intense feelings of guilt over prospective weight gain and concern about his body image, while simultaneously inferring he just ate an entire pizza.

The food is often eaten very quickly, for reasons related to stress, and usually to the point of discomfort, or even pain. In the same episode Bojack admits to standing in a corner alone, eating cotton candy to the point of puking at Todd’s last party. (This comes full back around by the end of the episode, where he is shown doing the exact same thing.)

This behavior recurs again and again, such as in season 2 episode 2 when Bojack buys muffins just to prove a point and then eats all of them on the ride home. In the third season, he belches again after raiding Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter's fridge. These episodes of gluttony can be seen as yet more failed attempts to handle his inner turmoil resulting in his appearing inconsiderate and repulsive to others.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Having BPD often makes suicide look like a good solution when it’s not. This suicidality can appear at different times, in different ways, and for drastically different reasons. For example, some may use suicide and/or self-harm as an “escape rope” from chronic overwhelming emotions, while others may threaten suicide and/or self-harm as a means to exert control or manipulate others.

“So if you don’t mind, as long as you don’t love me, I’m going to step into this noose.”

In season 2, episode 2, Bojack casually threatens to auto-erotic asphyxiate himself in order to make Wanda admit she loves him. While it is hard to say whether or not Bojack was serious, this behavior is not uncommon among people with borderline personality disorder. Suicidal gestures and threats are often used as a way to exert control when an individual feels powerless or overwhelmed by emotions. The desire for control is not necessarily malicious in nature. The person threatening or attempting the behavior almost always feels a genuine sense of desperation.

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

In the first episode, Bojack has what a doctor later describes as a “minor anxiety attack” when he finds himself thinking that maybe he is “just a washed up has-been.” The panic attack is so bad he ends up in the hospital. When Princess Carolyn suggests Bojack call the ghostwriter because the book deal is stressing him he responds, “You want me to call this woman on the phone?” and proceeds to have another anxiety attack.

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

Imagine being full of empty. Bored. All the time. People with BPD feel an acute sense of nothingness that diminishes their worth outside of relationships with others. This feeling can be turned inward and result in self-loathing, panic attacks, self-harm, etc.

Bojack dissociates pretty regularly - disconnecting almost entirely from his environment, and at times, his emotions. The opening of the show includes Bojack’s bust, superimposed over different scenes. His face is sad, eyes empty and lifeless. He appears totally indifferent and unresponsive.

He is also shown having flashbacks during bouts of dissociation, such as Diane points out in season 1, episode 2 when she asks him about his childhood. “You just sat here for five minutes in silence and then said, ‘Uneventful.’”

Mr. Peanutbutter: All I ever wanted was to be your friend. And you treat me like a big joke. You think I don't notice? Why don't you like me?

BoJack: Mr. Peanutbutter.

Mr. Peanutbutter: No, tell me.

BoJack: Because I'm jealous.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh. Of what? Diane?

BoJack: No. Of everything. Everything comes so easy for you.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, and it doesn't for you? You're a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you, acting in your dream movie. What more do you want? What else could the universe possibly owe you?

BoJack: I want to feel good about myself. The way you do. And I don't know how. I don't know if I can. I'm sorry, Mr. Peanutbutter. I can't tell you how sorry I am.

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Bojack experiences intense anger in both big and small ways. Small events like a stray curly fry being among their normal fries is enough to set him off, or receiving repeated calls from an unknown number.

Other Borderline Behaviors:

Oversharing is the act of prematurely revealing personal information. This behavior can occur for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, it can be used as a “test.” If the person responds nonjudgmentally, they have passed, assuring the Borderline that it is safe to get to know them. Other reasons for this behavior include few boundaries, a desire for instant intimacy, impulsivity, and a compulsion to confess their “sins.”

In the second episode of season 1, after only just meeting Diane at the party, he confides in her that he uses horse tranquilizers recreationally, and that he just takes a small does to help him sleep at night, and a much, much larger dose to get him through the day. When Diane reads this back to him from an email, he is visibly embarrassed.

“You ruined me Bojack.” A Childhood of Chronic Invalidation, Neglect, & Abuse

Borderline personality disorder develops due to a combination of genetic predisposition and life experiences (nature and nurture.) Still, most people that experience trauma, chronic invalidation, and neglect, do not usually develop borderline personality disorder. However, most people with borderline personality disorder have experienced a childhood full of chronic invalidation.

Emotional invalidation is when a person's thoughts and feelings are rejected, ignored, or judged. Children who are regularly invalidated by their parents which learn to distrust their emotions, a precursor to BPD. Despite the chronic invalidation and abuse revealed via Bojack’s memories, he describes his childhood as “normal” (”Bojack Hates the Troops”) This is because Bojack, like many people in the real world, does not realize what constitutes as abuse, especially from his parents.

When he gives his father a father’s day card, his father criticizes him for taking the easy way out and not trying his best. He also slaps him hard in the face when he answers “wrong.”  This type of abuse goes on and on, such as his father making him build his own tree house before tearing it down. His mother is equally as abusive in different ways, utilizing gaslighting and other methods.

Bojack begins showing signs of depression in early childhood. In "Yesterdayland,” he sends a letter into a television show that reads:

I am a good kid and I like to play, and I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad. What do you do when you get sad? How do you not get sad?

His parents walk in while Bojack is watching TV and fight in earshot, yelling loudly and smashing dishware. His mother soon enters the room, angry and critical. She explains to her young son that before he was born, she was beautiful. She tells him to make up for all the damage he’s done, he better grow up to be something great. This plants the seed of Bojack’s deep-rooted need for perfectionism.

In “Stop the Presses,” Bojack maintains that he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, he just wants control over his own life. Many people with BPD don’t get the help they deserve due to a lack of knowledge or stigma surrounding mental health issues. Bojack Horseman is one of them. Don’t be like Bojack Horseman. If you relate to some or most of these listed criteria, get your brainhead checked by a real professional.

#bojack horseman #bpd #borderline personality disorder #mr peanutbutter #character analysis

[p-aralian]

Men Without Women by Haruki Murakami

Men Without Women is a collection of short stories so I feel like I should review this both by their individual stories and as a whole.

(1) Drive My Car

Okay so let me first just tell you that I read these short stories while I was actually in Japan. Prior to my trip, I didn’t exactly have much knowledge on Japan’s affairs, except pretty much for the Meiji Restoration, which I studied in IB History. But I digress; basically what I’m trying to say is that I had no idea just how bad the gender inequality is in Japan. Like literally, women are still seen as the traditional caregiver, not really meant to be in the workforce but rather fulfil the role of a respectful wife and mother. So I guess I shouldn’t really have been surprised at the sexism in this novel, but it was really eye-opening because I guess Murakami’s expression of people’s lives in the book must be an accurate reflection or depiction of how Japanese people actually live.

The story literally starts with the blatant stereotype that women are bad drivers. Apparently we just don’t know how or aren’t built to operate such heavy machinery? Jesus. Sorry, but it’s actually ridiculous how some men think or rather are brought up to think. Must be the whole Confucianism thing. Also, the woman driver he hired was like what, my age, and he was SEXUALISING her. Okay he was kinda doing the opposite of that, ie, saying that she had no breasts and looked like a man but STILL – why do those things even matter!!! Why are you, a like 50+ year old man, evaluating the looks of a girl, WHO COULD BE YOUR DAUGHTER’S AGE. Please. Just. Stop.

Anyways, that aside. I also didn’t really like the story because it was very strange – the guy knew his wife was having an affair and didn’t call her out on it? And befriended his wife’s lover after she died? Dude, you cray. Who does that? Also, story 1 – man without woman because woman died. But woman was a cheating bitch. So again, not the best impression of women.

- In every situation, knowledge was better than ignorance. However agonizing, it was necessary to confront the facts. Only through knowing could a person become strong. - The proposition that we can look into another person’s heart with perfect clarity strikes me as a fool’s game. I don’t care how well we think we should understand them, or how much we love them. All it can do is cause us pain. Examining your own heart, however, is another matter. I think it’s possible to see what’s in there if you work hard enough at it. So in the end maybe that’s the challenge: to look inside your own heart as perceptively and seriously as you can, and to make peace with what you find there. If we hope to truly see another person, we have to start by looking within ourselves.

(2) Yesterday

I liked this one. I don’t really get how this falls into place with regard to the underlying thread that is supposed to bind all the stories together – “men without women”. Honestly, I don’t want to go too deep into this story. Essentially it’s about two people that the narrator knew who could have been together, probably wanted to or were meant to, but didn’t. (Note: there’s a touch of a woman’s unfaithfulness in this one too). Anyways, I feel like it’d be better if I just shared my favourite quotes from it:

- I wonder if life should really be that easy, that comfortable. It might be better to go our separate ways for a while, and if we find out that we really can’t get along without each other, then we get back together. - Maybe going through that kind of tough, lonely experience is necessary when you’re young? Part of the process of growing up? … The way surviving hard winters makes a tree grow stronger, the growth rings inside it tighter. - I truly love Aki-kun, and I don’t think I could ever feel the same way about anybody else. Whenever I’m away from him I get this terrible ache in my chest, always in the same spot. It’s true. There’s a place in my heart reserved just for him. But at the same time I have this strong urge inside me to try something else, to come into contact with all kinds of people. Call it curiosity, a thirst to know more. More possibilities. It’s a natural emotion and I can’t suppress it, no matter how much I try. - Music has that power to revive memories, sometimes so intensely that they hurt.

(3) An Independent Organ

This one was my favourite. It really got to me. Like really got to me. Like I was crying for quite a while after I was done with it. The narrator was again talking about someone else’s life, a plastic surgeon and bachelor who had never been in a long-term relationship with a woman but rather preferred to have good conversations, good sex and no commitment. (Fair enough, I get that). So most of his women tend to be married because apparently a lot of women want the committed part of a relationship with their husbands but ALSO the company of another man who can remind them what it’s like to date and flirt and whatever, I don’t know. Anyways, this doctor falls in love, with a married woman. Surprise surprise. But no. He then has an existential crisis and then dies. He dies because he is lovesick and heartbroken and he dies at his own hands, condemning himself to a slow death by anorexia. He becomes but a shadow of his former self and just dies. Because of the bitch, who not only abandons her husband but also the doctor for, get this, a THIRD lover. Ok so, unfaithfulness again. But that’s not the point.

I feel it was a little melodramatic and unrealistic that he just gave up on life after this woman broke his heart (or maybe it isn’t, maybe because he was so set in his ways of non-commitment that falling in love with a woman and then being betrayed by her could be so heart-breaking that he wanted to reduce himself to nothing? I still think it’s a bit much but it’s not my place to comment on these things after all.) Nonetheless, it broke my heart. I can’t even begin to imagine what betrayal feels like – like he said, if she had told him that she couldn’t be with him because she wanted to keep her family together, he would have been fine, but it was solely the very act of betrayal that drove him to non-existence. Fuck.

My favourite quotes are as follows:

- I’ve been out with lots of women who are much prettier than her, better built, with better taste, and more intelligent. But those comparisons are meaningless. Because to me she is someone special. A ‘complete presence,’ I guess you could call it. All of her qualities are tightly bound into one core. You cant separate each individual quality to measure and analyse it, to say it’s better or worse than the same quality in someone else. It’s what’s in her core that attracts me so strongly. Like a powerful magnet. It’s beyond logic. - ‘Having seen my love now / and said farewell / I know how very shallow my heart was of old / as if I had never before known love – Gonchunagon Atsutada ... I’ve finally experienced what the poet felt. The deep sense of loss after you’ve met the woman you love, have made love, then said goodbye. Like you’re suffocating. The same emotion hasn't changed at all in a thousand years. I’ve never had this feeling up till now, and it makes me realise how incomplete I’ve been, as a person. - The more I get to know her, the more I love her. We’ve gone out for a year and a half, but right now I’m even more entranced than I was at the beginning. It feels like our hearts have become intertwined. Like when she feels something, my heart moves in tandem. Like we’re two boats tied together with rope. Even if you want to cut the rope, there’s no knife sharp enough to do it. - As long as it makes sense, no matter how deep you fall, you should be able to pull yourself together again. - Women are all born with a special independent organ that allows them to lie. It depends on the person, about the kind of lies they tell, what situation they tell them in, and how the lies are told. But at a certain point in their lives, all women tell lies, and they lie about important things. They lie about unimportant things, too, but they also don’t hesitate to lie about the most important things. And when they do, most women’s expressions and voices don’t change at all, since it’s not them lying, but this independent organ they’re equipped with that’s acting on its own. That’s why – except in a few special cases – they can still have a clear conscience and never lose sleep over anything they say. - Just as that woman likely lied to him with her independent organ, Dr. Tokai – in a somewhat different sense – used this independent organ to fall in love. A function beyond his will. With hindsight it’s easy for someone else to sadly shake his head and smugly criticize another’s actions. But without the intervention of that kind of organ – the kind that elevates us to new heights, thrusts us down to the depths, throws our minds into chaos, reveals beautiful illusions, and sometimes even drives us to death – our lives would indeed be indifferent and brusque. Or simply end up as a series of contrivances.

The paragraph on women born with the ability to lie really got to me. 

(4) Scheherazade

Lol. I had a friend called Scheherazade so this was very difficult to read without imagining her. Also because it’s a pseudonym for a Japanese woman, but I just wasn’t able to picture it that way?!!! Okay. I’m going to call her Schez for short. Schez is weird. She talks about her past, in which she describes having a crush on a guy in high school and sneaking out of school to break into his house and smell his things and god knows what else – not cool at all, in fact really creepy. Another thing is, she’s a caretaker who has sex with the dude. Is that a thing? I wish they’d say a little bit more about who the narrator was and why he needed such caretaking to begin with? It all just felt really misplaced. Also don’t get how this fits the whole men without women theme again. Oh and also, Schez was married and I really don’t think the sex can just be dismissed or classified as simply being part of her job – that’s total unfaithfulness as well. Please.

- Life is strange, isn’t it? You can be totally entranced by the glow of something one minute, be willing to sacrifice everything to make it yours, but then a little time passes, or your perspective changes a bit, and all of a sudden you’re shocked at how faded it appears. What was I looking at? you wonder.

(5) Kino

I like this one. Since I’ve been consistent in highlighting this fact, let me just start by saying – there’s unfaithfulness by a woman in this, AGAIN. But other than that, it was really mysterious which was a welcome change. Were the supernatural occurrences real or were they just manifestations of the narrator’s subconscious, forcing him to come to terms with how he truly felt about his wife’s infidelity? This felt like proper Murakami. The snakes, the vanishing cat, the rain, the knocking, I loved it.

(6) Samsa in Love

I have Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis somewhere. I think it’s in London in my brother’s house. I wish I’d read it before this. Maybe then I would’ve had a little more context for this story. But alas it’s not hard to figure. Metamorphosis. That’s pretty self-explanatory. Reviewers online say it’s an interesting take on Gregor Samsa. I don’t know, I don’t really have too much to say about it really. Also, don’t really see how it fits in with the theme again. You know what, that’s it. I got nothing.

(7) Men Without Women

“Men Without Women”. Repeated way too many times in one story. Okay so the narrator receives a phone call from his ex-lover’s husband to be told that she is dead. He thinks about her and their time together and also of how he imagines meeting her earlier in high school and stuff like that. I dunno. I just liked how she played a certain song when they had sex. In fact, you know what I love all of Murakami’s allusions to music and the power it has on people, on memories, on emotions. If I can relate to anything, hell it’s that.  

So I read in an interview with Murakami that he doesn’t analyse the images or thoughts derived from his subconscious which form the content of his stories, instead he merely records them. Honestly, I don’t want to over-analyse it either. These stories took me on a journey, gave me a peek into different worlds, some of which I could relate to more than others. I am glad to have read them and that’s that! 

#review

[drlindamurraytenacity-blog]

Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories and false naming of real events . . .Adrian Richt . . sp

In the Beginning----I started life in a small place called 'Bridge of Allan' in Scotland June 20th  1956. My parents were Margaret Joy Latimer (suicide at 27) and Derek Andrew James M. Apparently, my birth was very difficult and my father told me, much later in life, that they did not think I was going to make it. My mother suffered from some form of toxaemia possibly due to Rh difficulties which were also going to also impact me. This information is sketchy since my father was the only source of this information and he wasn't talking. My father told me much later in life that it was touch-and-go for a while for both of us. I wasn't named until it was clear that I was going to survive. My mother was apparently warned about having other children. Yet, she gave birth to Desmond Thomas in September 15th 1957 (committed suicide when 20) and another boy Kevin on June 20th  1960 (attempted suicide at 23). When they came home with the baby, Kevin Derek my mother handed me the baby and told me that since he was born on my birthday, “he was my birthday present and my responsibility.” I remember this scene so clearly, I actually remember where I was standing in the home and where my father was standing to my mother’s left and to my right. I took my responsibility very seriously. I could, and did, warm bottles, changed nappies [diapers], and washed dishes by the time I was five years old. It was like at five years old I became my brother’s keeper and a mother all in one. Desmond at this time was three years old. My mother was sad a lot and cried all the time. It was the beginning of the 1960s. But, then there was very little they could do for serious depressive mood disorders.

“When truth is buried, it grows, it chokes, it gathers such an explosive force, that on the day it bursts out, it blows out everything with it”....... Neil Zola....(sp)

“Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to drive, easy to govern, but impossible to enslave.” . . . Henry Peter Brougham

The Slap-----I am not sure exactly when this event occurred but it was before I turned five years old and while my mother was alive. We were sitting in her and dad's bedroom facing the mirrored chest of drawers opposite the bedroom door. My mother was crying, but I can’t remember why. My father came into the room and they were arguing. I don't know about what. He slapped her on the face and I charged at him. He picked me up and threw me down on the bed. He later denied ever hitting her or throwing me on the bed. But if his version is the truth, why are my memories, even now, are so clear and vivid? I remember after he left that we both sat on the edge of the bed crying, me on her left side. I was on her right when he hit her. We sat and cried together. My mother cried a lot. I was very upset and to help me feel better she pulled out a small ivory-covered jewellery music box and she opened it up, up popped a small ballerina who turned to the music. Both of us sat there and cried for a long time and she had her arm around my shoulder. I have chosen to believe my version of the events that day. Part of the reason for this was my father, when I was 15, offered me a choice of two jewellery boxes, a larger wooden one and a small ivory-covered  one. I picked the ivory music box and I told him at the time that I knew it had belonged to my mother, the other was his mothers. I asked what had happened to the ballerina in the white tutu. The box was still lined with the blue velvet I had remembered.

My Father’s Father----Apparently my father’s father was a lingerie sales man. I thought that he was some form of a carpenter for the longest time. I know nothing of my father’s family or his history. I believe he told me once that he was a child born late in his parents’ lives and when they died he was cared for by a much older spinster sister. To this day I know nothing of my father’s side or the mental health history that may have also been clear on his side. I do know he said he was raised by his much older sister and that his parents were not in this picture. The difficulty with trying to find out where mental illness originated in genes is often compounded by secrecy and missing relatives. In our family, it was clear that there was mental illness on my mother’s side from my mother and maternal grandfather. But this does not explain why ALL three of us siblings were mentally ill. To have this high a prevalence rate in three related siblings clearly indicated a dominant gene or recessive gene combination problem of some sort.  Given this, I’m almost certain, that there was at least one-person who was not well on my father’s side of the family and could have been the source of the genetic ‘double whammy’. But I’m only guessing, however by now, it is a very well educated guess at this point. Having a hundred percent prevalence rate and, as of the date of this writing, a fifty percent mortality rate, it is clear that there must have been something wrong on both sides of the family. The risk should been, according to published medical information in 1995, less than % 30. The only logical explanation I have arrived at is mental illness in both sides of the genetic pools.

“Nothing fixes a thing so intensely as you wish to forget it”-----Michele DeMontagn . . .sp

The Cat in The Hat------Another memory of my mother while she was alive, was her teaching me how to read a Dr. Seuss book called “The Cat in The Hat” and sing Frere Jacques. You start grade one in Scotland when you are five years old. By that time I could read this book almost from memory. I have never had the chance to thank her for my love of reading or anything else for that matter. I read a lot now and always have, mostly text books and journal articles and anything else I get my hands on. Unfortunately, I was not able to gain as much understanding of what I was reading by every one else. I needed to read something about 4 times to get out of it a good reader who only required one reading, My reading helped me escape from life when I was a child. I still use it to help me through the rough times. I don't know what happened to the original copy of the book. It was probably thrown out like everything else was when we moved to Canada when I was eight and a half. In my 59th year I  purchased a new copy to keep as a reminder keepsake. It is not the original but that is not the important part of the memory.

Sheets - - I have a very clear memory of playing in a fort made of bed sheets in the back yard. The sheets were yellow or white and they were hanging on the clothesline. But they made a magical place inside the fort. I do not know why this was important. I don’t know why this memory came into the fore front of my memory. I do know I still had my mother and thee safety of the sheets I can remember the feeling but I remember the feeling of safety and warm.

Wanting to Be Dead-----When my mother died I was devastated. I hurt so badly. I wanted the pain to stop. This is the kind of pain that is unbearable. This kind of trauma for anyone is hard. But when you are 5, I don't know if you ever recover. I think that the feeling of abandonment never leaves you. Apparently this is common. The trauma and loss never heals. It hasn't left me. I believe that it may be pushed below the surface but it never leaves. It seems to be just under the surface all the time. There is, I have discovered, a difference in wanting no longer to be in pain and truly wanting to be dead. Many professionals believe that mood disorders erupt in the late teens and early 20s mine clearly started with early symptoms, at least when my mother died. The kind of pain I felt was physical and emotional in the depth of my being. I know crying about it hurt my father so I only cried at night or when I was alone. All three of us kids were in the same room at night so I had to be quiet so I wouldn't wake my brothers. Desmond was in the lower bunk and Kevin was in the crib. My father heard me crying one night and came into the room. He told me that he was sad too but we couldn't be with her anymore. Even as a five-year-old I knew my crying was making things worse for my father. So I had to stop. I learned to hurt in quiet. He said I had to keep quiet or I would wake up my brothers. I was screaming in pain inside. My entire being was in pain and it almost never left me. I tried not to grieve publicly and to keep this pain inside along with the anger. Yes, I was angry too. I think. I wanted to die, but I couldn't. I had responsibilities too. I was responsible for my father’s hurting and my older brother’s sleeping, my younger brothers hurting. Kevin was going to depend on me now. He was my ‘birthday present’ and I would have to stay alive to take care of him. I had promised my mother. Now, when I think of the pain I was in I realize that I was depressed then. I was five, and I truly wanted to be dead.

“Children begin by loving their parents, as they grow older, they judge them. Sometimes they forgive them” . . . Oscar Wild

logic will get you from a to b but imagination takes you everywhere . . . Albert Einstein

Chips and Babies ----A clear memory of my mother was when she fed my baby brother Kevin ‘chips’. Chips are what we now call french fries in Canada. Back then, we made them at home and deep fried them in the ‘chip pot’ using slices of potatoes we cut into ribbons. When she gave them to the baby and us, she would bite the ends off all of them. I asked her once why she did that. She explained that she did it for two reasons. The first was to make sure that all of the sharp points were removed so we would not hurt our throats. The second reason was to make sure that none of them were too hot for us. She told me that it was important to remember not to feed little children like Kevin chips with sharp ends on them. Was this another attempt at preparing me for what was to come? It felt weird at the time and the memory is very vivid I can even remember where I was sitting at the table in the dining area. This memory is also rather interesting. As I write it, I realize that I like the sharp ends. Today whenever I eat chips I pick through the pile to find all of the crispy ones. I have never tied this together before now.

Swinging While We Walked----I have a clear picture of my mother and my Aunt Joan one day. We were going down the sidewalk to a larger department store. We were walking to the left of my gran’s store and I remember going into a large store with big red letters for its name. I think we were getting things ready for my Aunt’s marriage. My mother was on my right side and my aunt was on my left side and they had both of my hands. They would go 1-2-3 than pick me up by my hands or arms and swing me into the air. Every time I see parents do this with their children I see the picture and almost feel the experience. I’ve never forgotten this. It is weird what you remember of a very fragmented past. When I did some searching in Edinburgh on our 2001 visit to Scotland I could only find birth records that did not include my Aunt Joan being born to the Latimer’s. I have to do more research into the missing records

Snow-----I remember the fist time I saw snow. It is so clear. I was sitting in this great big armchair positioned at the picture window in the livingroom. My mother was on my right but I don't remember my brothers being there. She explained that we were so lucky to get snow at Christmas time. I sat there forever watching it all fall and felt warm and loved as she sat with me. Apparently, snow in the lower altitude places in Scotland was rare. I only remember this time and I shared it with my mother. I knew that she loved me but I don’t hear I love you all the time and I did not hear it from my father. It seemed like my grandfather was the only person who said I love YOU to me.