#so. to preface. i’m an idiot who often misses the point and stuff. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

driversmutbucket · 5 years

Text

Reader x Jude

Part II

——

Part I:

——

Warnings: zero, none, nada

Author note: alrighty, this turned out to be a slow burn. I can’t make our sweet boy Jude fuck on the first date 👌

The next week, a Thursday evening, you were just about to leave for the day from the practice when the phone in your nurse station rang.

“Hello, this the Dr Ross paediatric centre, you are speaking with y/n” you said with a hint of forced enthusiasm.

“Oh, ah, hi! It’s Jude”

“Oh! Hi Jude, is Andrea okay?!” You said slightly concerned “I was just closing up here.”

“Oh shit, yeah, no, he is fine, I’m so sorry to ring at this time, I just have been trying to get hold of you, and didn’t know any other way” he admitted “I actually feel like a bit of an idiot, this is probably the fourth time I have rang, you have never been able to take my call.”

“Oh! Well now it makes sense why the receptionist said the other day that a lady with a deep voice named Judith had rung for me.” you said snorting.

You could hear Andrea babbling away in the background as Jude chuckled warmly ”Oh God, i am so sorry”.

”No, no, don't apologise, it was a temp receptionist and she seemed absolutely off the wall” you assured him ”anyway, what can i help you with?”

You heard Jude clear his throat before he said ”Well actually, uh, i was ringing to see if you wanted to get that coffee?”

“Oh! Yeah sure!” you said, blushing.

“OK great, are you free tomorrow?” you could hear the relief in his voice, “and could i get your number so i can message you incase...” Andrea suddenly started wailing in the background and he didn't finish his sentence.

You quickly gave him your number and hung up so he could tend to his son. You heart was beating rapidly.

Your rang Dr Ross (or as she insisted you call her, Jan).

”Hello, y/n, is everything ok?”

”Hi Jan, so sorry to bother you after hours, but uhhhh, i seem to have been asked out by a patients parent....” you admitted cautiously.

”Oh, so Jude finally did huh?” you could hear the smile in her voice.

”I’m sorry what!?” you laughed..

”Come on y/n, I've seen how he looks at you, I'm glad he finally did it, he is a lovely, lovely man” she gushed.

“I mean, wow....” was all you could manage.

“As for going around with a patients father, it is all ok legally, i checked it out a while ago” she assured, “let’s just say, i had a hunch.”

“Shit! Oh god sorry for cursing! I mean, thank you!” you stammered, laughing nervosly.

“Oh y/n, don't be ridiculous, I will see you tomorrow ok?” Jan replied with a laugh.

You said your goodbyes and hung up. She really was a terrific boss, you thought with a grateful smile.

Checking your phone you saw Jude and messaged you with the details about tomorrow morning. You replied and left work, with a slight spring in your step.

----

You woke the next day with a feeling of nervous excitement bubbling in your stomach.

You decided to take the half an hour walk through the city with Bil to meet Jude. You enjoyed walking, you were in the habit of walking everywhere, a side-effect of New York City.

As you walked up to the cafe where you were to meet Jude, you saw him before he saw you. He was sitting in the sun at a table outside, Andrea on his lap. We wore sunglasses and black v neck tee. Oh, he was handsome.

”Hi!” you said, announcing yourself.

Jude looked up and smiled warmly, “Hi, y/n” he took Andrea’s little hand and waved it at you.

”Awh! Hi handsome” you gushed as you bent down and ruffled Andreas hair.

“Jeez son you get all the pretty ladies, huh?” he said to Andrea, who babbled happily at him in return.

You sat down and Jude fussed over Bil as you ordered a coffee. Andrea climbed off Jude’s lap and came over you, you picked him up and popped him on your own lap.

“Honestly, that kid is the biggest ladies man I have ever met, but it is always one sided” he said with a wink, “you are one of the only women he has any interest in!”

”What an honour!” you exclaimed, laughing as you stroked Andrea’s soft locks. Jude smiled at you both tenderly.

You spent a while chatting about the usual kid stuff you were accustomed to, it was obvious Jude was distressed about Andrea’s lack of vocabulary at 2 and 1/2, you tried to reassure him.

You got onto the subject of dating,

”The thought of explaining this whole situarion” Jude said motioning at himself and Andrea, “to new people all the time is just exhausting.”

You nodded sympathetically.

”The solo dad/widower gig is crazy” he admitted, “it’s so nice to meet up with you y/n, I feel instantly at ease because I don't have to preface this with our big sob story, you know? Our world is pretty small”

“Well first off, it isn't a sob story Jude!” you said as you bounced Andrea on your knee, “but I can see how it would be so hard to get out there with everything going on.”

“I really feel like I need to focus on him while he is young, I don't want him to be fucked up from all of it” he nodded at Andrea.

”You are doing an incredible job” you beamed at him, taking a sip of your coffee.

Before you knew it you had been chatting away comfortably for 2 hours, you said with regret that you needed to drop Bil off at his dog day care and head to work. You parted ways with smiles.

----

After work that evening you checked your phone, there was a message from Jude.

I really enjoyed coffee this morning, how about dinner on Sunday? I will try get a babysitter so I’m not competing for your attention.

Haha! Sounds lovely! You replied.

----

On Sunday you were a bundle of nerves, you had never spent time with Jude, without Andrea there as a sort of, buffer. However you were looking forward to getting to know him better and seeing how he scrubbed up. He had chosen a slightly upmarket restaurant in Manhatten for dinner.

You spent the early evening flapping about deciding what to wear. Eventually you settled on a simple yet chic black dress that was entirely fitted and hugged all your curves. It went to mid calf but had a slit up the left leg to mid thigh that made it a touch sexy. The v neck cut showed enough cleavage to be enticing. You chose some simple pointed toe heels to go with it. You wore your hair down, something that you didn't do often, and styled it into soft waves. You did your usual makeup, but added a bold red lip for the occasion. You looked in the mirror and breathed in and out deeply.

You got a cab to the restaurant, arriving before Jude and you decided to wait outside for him.

“Y/n!”

You turned and saw Jude grinning and striding toward you. Jesus take the wheel.

He. Looked. So. Good.

You inhaled sharply, taking in the sight. He was in a crisp pale blue dress shirt and black dress trousers. His dark hair shined and softly waved around his face. You collected yourself and smiled,

“Hey Jude, gosh you look very handsome!”

You saw a red hue tinge his cheeks at the compliment.

“I mean, thanks, but you look...wow” he said as he ran his fingers through his hair.

It was your turn to blush.

“Yeah, decided to give the scrubs the night off” you joked.

He put his hand gently on your back and motioned to the door, “shall we?”

During dinner the wine flowed and the conversation and laughter with it. You hardly noticed what you were eating as you talked.

Neither of your wanted the night to end and after dinner you walked to a jazz bar you had heard of nearby. Both nicely buzzed on alcohol, any awkwardness was erased as Jude dragged you to the dance floor. You both laughed and danced until you were out of breath, retiring to the bar.

“I honestly haven’t had this much fun in ages” Jude confessed, beaming “I forgot what it is like to socialize after 6pm!”

“Thanks for asking me to be your accomplice” you said resting your hand on his upper arm.

You ordered another red wine each and clinked glasses.

“To dancing badly!” Jude announced.

You laughed, “long may it continue!”

When your glasses were drained, Jude checked his watch and groaned.

“I best be going home in about half an hour.”

The jazz band started a slow number, and he extended his hand to you.

“My lady?”

You snorted, and grabbed his hand, “let’s show them how it’s done.”

He dragged you to the dance floor, then turned to face you. Even in your heels he was tall, you reached and put one hand on his shoulder and slipped your other hand into his. He placed his free hand on your waist.

In your joyous alcohol induced state you closed the gap between your bodies and rested your head on his broad chest, closing your eyes and humming along to the music. Jude didn't miss a beat, lowering his head and rest it against yours affectionately. You stayed this way, swaying to the music, until it was time to go.

——

Part 3

#Jude x Reader #Hungry Hearts #Adam Driver #fan fiction #fluff

82 notes · View notes

marinaloxely · 4 years

Text

Week 1 - 12/26 to 1/2

Word Count: 2,388

“Basil Myles Hale! Get down here this instant! You’re going to be late for school!” my mother calls. My backpack bangs against my back as I race down the stairs. I hurriedly adjust the bright red tie around my neck. Mother stuffs my schedule and a marble rosary into my hand before pushing me out the door.

I start down the street at a brisk pace. It’s a decent walk to school, and I only have about 20 minutes to get there. And I have to put away my books before homeroom starts.

About halfway there, a blur of pink and navy crashes into my side. I laugh and hug my best friend. “Hey, Dobby.” She detaches herself from my side, and I can get a good look at her as we walk. Her curly hair is dyed pink today - as opposed to last week’s lavender shade - and her school uniform is off kilter.

She grins at me. “Hellooooo Baz! Are you ready for senior year?”

“Ugh. No! I just want it to be over but then we have to go to college and I’m not ready for that and I’m just stressing.”

“Well, stop that! We’ve got a whole year to finish everything we’ve got to do here, and then we’re off to Colorado! It’s going to be a breeze.”

“I’m not so sure, but whatever. It’s just another school year.”

We arrive at the boring office building that is our school. Saint Augustine Academy, a Catholic school nestled in a miniature office park in little old Pflugerville, Texas. A few students mill about the parking lot in matching clothing, talking and laughing and generally being students. A teacher stands at the double doors, making sure nothing too terrible happens.

Dobby and I rush into the building, splitting up to go to our lockers. “See you in first!” I dash to my locker, which I’ve had for the past three years, and dump my stuff into it. There’s a minute or so left to the bell, so I sprint to homeroom, managing to cross the threshold before it rings. I can’t be counted tardy, even if Ms. Astley were here. Which she’s not. Of course. I could have taken my sweet time getting here.

I scoot to the back of the classroom, lowering myself into the back-most seat. Once I’m settled in with a pencil out - just in case she forces us into a word search - I scan the classroom for friendly faces. None float out of the sea of idiots. It’s going to be a long year of homeroom. I finally register the guy standing at the front of the classroom. He’s tall and standing with a sense of boredom with the world. His dark brown hair is carefully tousled.

Ms. Astley teeters into the room. Hunched over and using a cane, the woman is ancient. Even the teachers can't remember a time without the crone. She limps over to her desk, dumping her bag there, fully ignoring the hot guy standing there.

After a few moments, some brave and foolish soul pipes up. "Uh- Ms. Astley?"

She wheels around, cataract-glazed eyes searching the crowd of fearful faces. "What?" she screeches.

The guy saves the day. He clears his throat. "I'm your new student." His voice is soft but commands attention, with a slight rasp at the tail end of each word.

The crone does a complete 180° turn in her manner. From evil gorgon, ready to eat you for breakfast, to sweet old grandma that bakes you cookies. She even croons at him. "Why, hello, dear. What is your name?"

"Malakai Connelly."

"Well, Malakai. It's a pleasure to have you in our class. Why don't you take a seat? We're not doing anything today." The rest of the class lets out a sigh of relief.

Once again, Malakai's eyes scan the classroom. They fall on me, and the empty seat next to me. He smiles and makes his way towards me. His stride is so smooth, it's as if he floats across the scuffed linoleum. The rest of the class watches him, rapt. He dumps a blue messenger bag next to the chair and settles in. As if on cue, the rest of the class turns away and launches into their own conversations. A couple of pieces of paper fly across the room. Ms. Astley ignores them and flops into her own chair, pulling out a crossword to work on. I cross my arms on the desk.

"Hi… I'm Malakai."

I start, glancing up into his eyes. "Hi. I'm Basil - Baz."

He smiles. My heart flutters, and something prickles beneath my skin. "Nice to meet you, Baz. Do you think you could help me with my schedule?" He holds a piece of paper out to me.

I return the smile and take his schedule, pulling mine out as well. I scan down the papers, realizing that our classes line up pretty well. If we aren't in the same class, we're nearby. I relate this information to Malakai. "I can help you out for the first few days while you get used to the school. If you want, that is…?"

"That would be nice."

"Cool." I pull out a piece of paper and sketch out a map of the school. "So we're here…" We spend the rest of the period going over where our classes are.

When the bell rings, we grab our bags and rush out the door. As always, the hallways are crowded almost wall-to-wall. We slip through and make our way from M (Michael) hall to J (Jesus) hall. I deposit him in front of his classroom. "There you go… your class…" The hall is starting to clear out as the bell nears. I inch backwards, towards my class. "I'll see you when the bell rings?" He nods. I turn around.

As soon as I enter the room, a hand is waving and my name is being called. There's Dobby. I scoot across the room and plop down in the seat next to her. She wiggles her eyebrows at me. "So…?"

"So what?"

"Who's the guy?"

"What guy?"

"The guy you were flirting with in the hallway."

"I wasn't flirting!"

"You were totally flirting."

Mr. Burbank, our history teacher this year, calls the class to something-resembling-order before I can respond. He’s a tall, fairly attractive man that commands your attention, even if he doesn’t want it, which is pretty cool. Watch this. Dobby will revert to Crush Mode in three, two, one. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her mouth ‘Hot Damn.’ What did I tell you? Luckily for me, Mr. Burbank doesn’t notice her and starts to call attendance. “Jackson Caylic? Nice to see you, sir. “Melissa? Welcome back. Dorothea?” Dobby refuses to raise her hand. “Dorothea Lambe?” Burbank stares her down, but she won’t do it. “Dorothea, if you don’t give me an indication that you’re here, I will mark you absent and be forced to call your parents.” Dobby huffs and raises her hand grudgingly. “Thank you very much, Miss Lambe. We’ll make you into a proper young lady yet.” He gives her a sardonic smile. She scrunches her nose at him. Dobby may be hardcore crushing on him, but she hates her real name much more than she loves him, which is often surprising to the casual onlooker.

“Damn that handsome mother-” she starts to whisper out of the corner of her mouth. I fake-cough, trying to cover it up in the almost silent room. We squint at each other, being a lot more obvious than we mean to be. But Burbank is wearing a small smile and a tighter-than-necessary shirt, and she immediately turns back to the show.

“Basil?” I raise my hand. He nods at me, finally (after two weeks) understanding that I don’t like to draw unnecessary attention to myself. Then, he continues with attendance.

Dobby slides a scrap of paper onto my desk. I didn’t even realize she’d gotten a pen out, let alone paper. Dish. Now.

I grab my pencil and scrawl.

No dish.

Seriously!!! I want to knoooooooow!

There’s nothing to know.

A low growl rumbles in her throat, thankfully too quiet to draw too much attention.

THERE’S EVERYTHING TO KNOW!!!!!

A shadow falls over the paper. “Miss Lambe? Mr. Hale? Do you have something to share with the class?”

“No, sir!” I squeak, my cheeks burning.

Dobby leans back in her chair, tilting the front two legs of her chair off of the floor. Her skirt slips a little up her leg. The guy in front of us darts his eyes to her thigh. Gross. “Nope. We’re just trading secrets. Gossiping. Y’know, the usual.” she drawls. Good-ness. Isn’t she just the poster girl for casual? I can’t help but notice that the guy is still staring, and his buddy has joined in. I debate throwing my blazer in her lap.

“Nice to know. Focus on my teaching, if you please, madame.” He makes it sound like a suggestion, but I’ve seen many an unwary student fall into that devastating trap.

“Oh, no, Mr. Burbank. But thank you. I really do appreciate the offer.” How in the world does she manage to do that? One second, she’s madly in love with the guy, and the next, she’s the coolest little cucumber, giving Burbank all the attitude she has ever mustered. I highly doubt I’ll ever be able to do that.

“Miss Lambe. If you aren’t going to pay attention, go sit in the hallway.” he announces, pointing to the door.

Dobby gives him her most regal smile, slams the legs of her chair back to the floor, and forces a squeal out of the linoleum. “As you wish.” She struts across the room, her school-issued pumps tapping against the tiles in time with the swaying of her hips. The guys are practically salivating. Disgusting pigs.

Just before she grabs the door handle, Mr. Burbank calls, “Sit only in the hallway outside the door, Miss Lambe!”

Dobby swivels on her heel and executes a perfect curtsy - a result of years of cotillion classes. “Yes, Your Highness.” she croons in a voice as sweet as sugar and sharp as a blade. The class bursts into laughter as she throws the door open hard enough for it to slam into the wall and leaves with a grand flourish of her arms and a swish of her hips. If there’s one thing Dorothea Lambe knows how to do, it’s make a grand exit: she’s had lots of practice over the years.

I can just feel the dread that must be washing through Ms. Minchin, our school counselor, right now. Dobby is in to see her daily, usually more than once, and every visit is prefaced by at least one such slamming door. Dobby will probably go stalking down to her office in one second, after kicking off her shoes. (She really hates the school uniforms, and has made it her mission to be as rebellious as possible.)

As soon as the bell rings for lunch, my phone will veritably blow up with texts from her. It always does. Her phone only lets her text in 100 characters at a time, so every time she decides goes on a rant, I end up with at least 10 messages within the same minute. That woman can text faster than anyone else I know.

“Now, let’s get back to class, shall we?” Burbank strides back to the blackboard where, I now see, he’s pulled up a powerpoint. THE AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT is scrawled across the board in bold lettering.

I quickly pull out a notebook and pen. My notes need to be thorough if I'm going to help Dobby pass this class. Not that it's my problem, but I kind of consider her my problem.

We've been friends since we were children. In the middle of a Relay for Life, there was a tornado warning, and our moms couldn't find us. We had apparently been playing and fell asleep in a random person's tent. We were perfectly fine and content, but, boy, did we get in trouble for running off. I smile at the memory and scribble down the notes.

Before I know it, the bell rings. I gather up my stuff and dart out of the classroom. Dobby strides up to me, cool as can be, and links arms with me. "Hello, my darling herb." I lead her over to Lucas's classroom.

"Hello, dear. How was Ms. Minchin?"

"Just dandy. She says ‘hello’."

"Oh, how quaint."

"What are we waiting on? I want lunch."

"I made a new friend, remember? He's coming to lunch with us." Just as I say that, Malakai comes out of the classroom. "Hey, Malakai! Ready to eat?" He doesn't seem to hear me, looking around for something. I put my hand on his shoulder.

He starts. "Huh? Oh. Hey, Baz."

Dobby links her arm with his. "Hey, handsome. I'm Dobby, Baz's best friend." My dork grins her unconquerable grin, and I can almost see Malakai falling under her spell.

"Malakai. Pleasure to meet you."

"Come on, come on. Stop flirting," I interject. "We've got to get to lunch."

The rest of the day, and the rest of the week, pass by uneventfully. We get to know each other pretty well. I find out that Malakai lives alone in an apartment, having emancipated himself several years before. The three of us are assigned to a semester-long research project together in our Seminar class.

Friday night, Malakai and I meet up outside Dobby's house. He's got his tie loosened and blazer draped over his shoulder. Through the undone button at his throat, I can barely see a necklace laying there. I flash a smile at him. "Hey, stranger."

He grins at me. "Hey. Glad I managed to find the right place."

"You ready to go in?"

"I guess. Ready as I'll ever be."

We step up to the porch. I knock on the door. As we wait for the door to be answered, I notice Malakai wringing his hands and shifting his weight. "Don't be nervous. Mama Lambe is super sweet."

"Nervous? Me? I'm not nervous."

"Of course you are. Just take a deep breath and stop wringing your hands like that."

#marina loxely #basil myles hale #200 words a day #writer on tumblr #writer #my journey #week 1

2 notes · View notes

procyonarkadios · 6 years

Text

Some Clarifications

Over the past year or so on tumblr, I’ve had a few people get rather upset with me about some of my posts. Personally, I’d like to give most of those people the benefit of the doubt, and think that most of the contention comes from misunderstanding. So, with this post, I’ll explain my views on some various topics for others to see. If you think I’m missing something, r you’re curious about it, let me know.

1: Gun Control “America has a Gun Problem!” It’s a statement I hear a lot, and while I certainly agree that it’s carries some truth, the statements that usually follow it often seem idiotic to me. I’m Pro-2A, and Pro-Gun Control, which is something it doesn’t seem most people think can happen. I believe the 2nd amendment is there for the protection of not just ourselves, but our rights. It’s how the founding fathers intended it, and it’s the only way the people can break away from a government that may become corrupt. I also recognize the need to address the mass shooting that seem to happen every other week.

While most proposed regulations (and I’m not going to explain the “Confiscate all Firearms” ideas, You know it’s impossible, I know it’s impossible, the Government knows it’s impossible.) call for even tighter background checks, and banning of certain rifles, I think a slightly different approach should be taken. Instead of simply making background checks for firearms more intense, change the subjects that are considered. Take a higher focus on mental disorder, family status and history, and medical records.

Currently the Background checks are based primarily on immigration status, and criminal history, and though they do evaluate mental disorders, the bar is set very high, meaning that fewer than 32,000 have been denied, despite over 4 times that many being denied for having a single drug possession offence. Another flaw in the system is the method in which the database is maintained. New regulations need to be put in place to make certain that people who should be barred from firearm purchase don’t slip through the cracks due to unclear documentations, slow processing times, and incomplete data.

As for people who can by guns, I think the way it is (In most states, at least.) is fine. If you qualify for a license, you should be allowed to purchase any gun that license qualifies you for. Also, get rid of the tax on suppressors. That’s just bullshit.

2: Abortion I think I can say how a feel about this quite plainly. Overall, I’m Pro-Choice, but I’ll break it down by trimester.

1st: Abort away. You don’t want it, feel free to get rid of it.

2nd: Give it some thought. I’d say keep it, unless a situation arises wherein you cant be capable of raising the child, or a medical complication would occur if you were to continue. Still, If you don’t feel you’re ready, go ahead.

3rd: Only if you have to. Unless there is a medical reason, or an unexpected change in your lifestyle (Father dips, you unexpectedly are broke, stuff like that) makes you incapable of raising the child. I know this one is similar to the 2nd, but the main change is how serious the reasons need to be. (2 drawing that line at “I’d rather not” and 3 at “I can’t”)

3: Race and Sex Oh boy, this is where I gamble with pissing people off. I’d like toe preface this by saying that I am, as per the dictionary definition of the word, not a Racist or Sexist. I do not believe that any one race or gender has any innate superiority or inferiority compared to another. I’m gonna be more general with this, but if you want to know more, let me know.

I also don’t believe that people of European Heritage or Men need to pay reparations, or “atone for their past” by any other means. I don’t think that Minorities or Women need affirmative action programs to succeed. Both of these undermine the integrity of their success. It’s like the government saying “It’s okay, we know that you’re not good enough for the job, so here’s a boost.” Most will counter this by saying it’s to combat racist and sexist employers, and if it were still the ‘60s or ‘70s, I’d agree, but at this point, most employers simply don’t care, so long as you do your job. And if someone would rather hire a less-competent employee, that’s their own problem. You can almost certainly find some other employer with any intelligence.

As for sexism particularly, while I don’t exactly believe that either sex has it’s “place” in society, I absolutely recognize that each sex has common inclination that differ from each other, and that both sexes have both psychological and physiological differences. Men are, on average, objectively stronger than women. Women are, of average, considerably better caregivers than men. There are also certainly women who are much stronger than many men, and there are certainly men who are better caregivers than many women.

4: LGBT To start, I have 2 lesbian moms. I was born to my Mom and Dad, and when I was 5, they divorced and my brother and l mostly lived with our Mom and Step-Mom. I also have plenty of LGBT friends, both for sexuality and gender. I know some gays, asexual, transsexuals, and even a non-binary individual. At least, I believe that person said that were non-binary at one time. I’ve never actually had a conversation with the individual about it though, as it really doesn’t matter. And the last part of that sentence really covers how I feel about it.

I think there’s 2 genders, and people are somewhere between those, whether it be in complete opposition to their sex, or they lie somewhere in-between. I do not, however, think each measure of the spectrum is a whole new gender. It’s simply spot on the spectrum. Similarly, I think there are 2 ends of the sexuality spectrum, and people are either somewhere on there, or aren’t on their at all (Ace Folks). And as for people who incorporate their sexuality into their gender to create some new gender, I think that whole notion is absurd. Gender and Sexuality are their own things, trying to fuse the two only makes things confusing.

5: The concept of “Dangerous Ideas” Have you ever read Adolph Hitler’s Mein Kampf (1925)? Neither have I, but I’d like to. Have you ever read Joseph Brian III’s The Sword Over the Mantle (1960)? I have read that one, and it’s a fantastic account of what how someone who was a descendent of Confederate Troops of the US Civil War viewed some of the nations history. It was Sympathetic, but never bitter.

It’s exactly the kind of book that should be read in high school. It’s not a very long story, It’s interesting and engaging, and it provides an understanding of how people with a family history that lies with the south may feel about the war, and how objects such as the Confederate Battle Flag, or statues of some of their most famed leaders are important to them. Most of these people are not racist, nor does J. Brian III think that America would have been better had the south won the war, but none of the ideas in this novel are dangerous.

I believe any idea, no matter how extreme or absurd it may be, deserves to not only be heard, but understood. A lot of people nowadays only look at what people think, and not why they think it. Yes, there are certainly ideas which are absolutely terrible. The Holocaust, for example is immeasurably vile. Mein Kampf, however, is not in and of itself, dangerous. Understanding the way Adolf saw the world, and how he came to his conclusions, and why he handled Germany the way he did, can be used as a means of learning. It can show us which ways of thinking may lead to harmful results.

That’s all for now. I originally had more topics to talk about, but since I’ve started writing, I’ve forgotten them. I’ll add to this post as I come up with ideas, or if you suggest any for me to cover, or add detail to.

1 note · View note

dreadhaus-literature · 4 years

Text

{A/N}

I’ve already talked about this before but I have more to say, so.

I don’t often cite “being old” or “getting old” or whatever. I don’t care about changing trends or hating on what’s become popular “with the kids” like some Boomer. Idc what everyone else is doing, that’s pretty much been a staple for me my whole life. I do me, you do you, we’re good.

But one thing that just continues to confuse me and my bitter old ass, and has my whole life is this concept of romance and what’s considered “romantic” or I guess, idk, “acceptable” to put into romance.

Now, let me preface my post with a couple things:

I grew up reading romance novels. Damn good ones, thank you Miss Christine. So I’m used to not only real sappy, happily ever after stories, but also the idealistic way someone ought to treat you.

A lot of what I say can be taken lightly or as a joke. For some reason this seems to be lost a lot in translation with me so let me just be clear. A lot of my points aren’t serious and are mostly just light-hearted jabs at what I’m talking about.

I’m not a complainer. I’m typically happy with anything and if not I ignore it and move on, so keep that in mind, too.

I’m not gonna waste my time with the whole “romance is different for everyone” because we all fucking know that already. This is just me talking about me.

So now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s sample the tea.

A lot of people are fucking awful at romance.

And I’m saying this having sampled a plethora of media on the subject. Bear in mind, I don’t consume media that doesn’t have some form of romance in it. I don’t read novels that aren’t romance or have SOME aspect of romance in it, I prefer ASMR videos that have personal attention triggers or are affection roleplays, I sample a fuckton of otome/dating simulation games, I consume x you/x reader headcanons and fanfiction constantly, I unironically watch rom-coms--I’m a sappy bitch. Love and affection are really the only thing that matter to me and it’s ironic as fuck considering how often I’m single, but whatever.

We already know fantasy > reality so we’re not gonna rehash that.

But that is my point. I don’t understand this sweeping trend of needing realism and shit in our escapism. That just...doesn’t work for me? It never has. I have a wild, vivid ass imagination and I know not everyone does, but it’s so fucking tedious for me to consume media and see people constraining themselves by reality because “this wouldn’t make sense in every day life”.

Bitch why do you think I’m here.

I’m a 6′2 lesbian of color with a hormone imbalance and a terrible family. I don’t fucking need reality for a goddamn thing. That’s the whole reason I’m here, to escape it.

And I’ve asked this question before, multiple times, but what is the fucking appeal of making characters mean to your audience? I know I’m probably in a minority here, but I will immediately lose interest in a character if they treat me like shit, even slightly. I am never and have never been one of those people who is all, “they could do whatever they wanted with me and I wouldn’t care,” like, nah. I’ve been treated like shit enough in my life, I come to a relationship to be treated well so you can fuck right off treating me like I don’t matter.

It’s so bizarre. Because I see it across the board. Like, all forms of romantic media is guilty of doing this, of creating these tropes of asshole types who are like, “I’m barely going to look at you. Date me,” and it’s like, my guy, you’d be talking to thin fucking air. That shit ain’t cute.

I ain’t a 1950′s housewife. You act right or you get to steppin’.

And I’m aware my independence likely has a lot to do with it. I’m 100% fine on my own so I don’t put up with foolishness, generally. Don’t have a need to, not scared to be by myself.

I very rarely get seriously invested in a lot of these otome/dating simulator games because the story is so flimsy or it’s very obviously just a ploy to “look at these pretty characters who’ll mildly ignore you” and that just ain’t for me. Looks are very much secondary in my book and if someone is attractive but they act like garbage they immediately become unattractive. If Tom Hiddleston was revealed to be some douche canoe that’d be it. I feel myself souring to characters when they act a certain way, and their appearance changes, to me. They become unattractive to me. Personality’s much more important, so the pretty pictures just aren’t enough to reel me in or keep my attention.

Monster Prom was the first one I can genuinely say I was wholly invested in. One, because I’m a monster fucker (thank you, Silent Hill during my formative years) and two, there was genuine care taken into the story. As a writer, especially a romance writer, I can be super particular about story-telling. It’s very easy to lose me to a bad story. But I loved the character concepts and designs in MP, a lot. I still do--but I will admit, the more I played, the more I got a little turned off because I started to uncover it was less about making the characters love you and more about “look how witty our banter is” or “watch how many times this character can give you the brush off or insult you, isn’t it funny?”

No. No...it isn’t.

Escapism, remember? But I’d have to be careful when I played MP because if I was having a bad day, it stung to be insulted or dumped/literally laughed at when I’m trying to feel better by escaping to a fantasy world with characters I love and who are supposed to love me.

I know I’m sensitive. And being emotionally abused my whole life has also left me with some pretty...well. Idk the right wording, but there are some things I don’t want to hear or be told because it puts me in a really messed up headspace. And so I take my opinion on what’s “mean” or “rude” with that in mind. I know these things about myself and there are times I’ll catch myself side-eying a response I get in these games, then laugh and be all, “Nah, that wasn’t a big deal.”

I have to do that in real life, too, so.

But that’s my whole point. I shouldn’t have to take myself out of the fantasy to remind myself that I’m not stupid just because some pixels on a screen are trying to be cutesy “mean” to me. No one likes to be called names or made to feel dumb or ugly or...idk, I just, that’s never been my style of writing romance and I don’t understand the appeal of it.

I always write to make my reader feel the best they’ve ever felt. No one in real life can adore and love you in the perfect way a fantasy character can. I learned that a long, long time ago. That shit really is only in fairy tales. So if you’re escaping a reality where people treat you shitty or make you feel unimportant why the hell would you choose to go to a fantasy life where characters you love are going to do the same thing?

I don’t understand writing characters, ANY CHARACTER, as being cold or aloof or mean to your reader. I don’t give a fuck who it is or what their character type is. I’ve said it before but love changes who you are, so whose to say a character who is cold and aloof and mean to everyone else wouldn’t be warm and affectionate with their lover? But that isn’t generally what I see, what I see are characters who remain exactly the same with their partner as they are with everyone else and so much for feeling special.

I can genuinely say there’s not a single character I’ve come across that I couldn’t write any way I wanted to, most especially romantically. Hell, if DC can write Bruce fucking Wayne initiating “I love you,” then you can write a character not being a bag of limp dicks to me.

The other otome game/DS I’ve gotten into is Obey Me! Been playing that for a while, and same with MP I love the character designs and the story. It’s engaging, it’s funny, the brothers are all diverse and adorable and I love them all ♥, but the same issue with MP I’m seeing with OM, too. There are times when the brothers are downright mean to you and I turn the game off for a while because I didn’t open it up to be insulted.

I can’t tell if it’s bad writing or if there’s actually people out there who enjoy that sorta stuff. I don’t talk to enough people to know who the hell this is for--and I’ve seen community comments along media where the readers just laugh it off and I generally do that, like in OM when Levi gets all tsundere or Mammon IS ON HIS BULLSHIT AGAIN (I love that idiot boy) but other times I’m straight up shut down by them and if that were me, IRL, that would be the end of a relationship.

Again, might just be preference. I don’t do hot/cold people, I spent my childhood dealing with an unpredictable household where one moment it would be okay to be in the same room or even look at my parents and the next I’d literally be shut up in my bathroom to have two sets of doors between me and them because it was safer.

Case in point? Earlier tonight I was spending time with Asmo in-game, who is just...an absolute flower and I love him so much, he’s so cute, but every single alone/personal time I spend with him he’s been fine to be touched, does that whole super cute, “More, more!” beg. So I went to touch him like always and he rejected me. Out of nowhere, after being thrilled with everything else we’d done together. And I immediately felt myself turn cold to him and had to stop myself--which is something I do IRL, too.

If you immediately switch up on me like that, don’t expect me to stick around. I can’t/won’t do it. Grew up with it, have no tolerance for it now.

And again, after I closed the game down, I was sitting there like, who is this for? Why is that even a thing? If I designed otome/dating sim games, the characters would all be receptive of MC because that’s the fucking point. If I wanted to be rejected I’d just fucking date IRL, I’m here to see pixels because I like feeling wanted, not insulted and told to go away--especially out of nowhere. That’s just...idk, mean to be mean?

It’s not that I get my feelings hurt, lol, I’m 30 years old and I know the characters aren’t real. It’s more that I’m just baffled by it. It’s illogical and leaves me scratching my head. I don’t understand what is so hard about making things perfect or why that’s so unappealing for so many people. The argument, “It’s unrealistic,” shouldn’t even be a fucking argument. None of this is real.

It’s like Joker, and how up in arms people get about seeing him written obsessive but still able to not be abusive to Reader. Like, writing him with his craziness intact, but making him obsessively in-love rather than abusive and people lose their goddamn minds.

“It’s unrealistic! He’s a psychopath, he’d never really be able to love you! He’s supposed to be abusive! This is OOC!”

Right okay but he isn’t fucking real? And your imagination is pathetic.

Going the opposite end of the spectrum, and you get a cold, aloof character like Crocodile and authors have zero issue with telling you he would never love you and he’d likely be mean to you a lot.

Cool, get away from me then. Also, why? You don’t treat the person you love the same as everyone else, otherwise...that’s not the person you love.

You wanna be realistic, let’s be realistic.

I’ve always considered my relationships like ripples in water. The people closest to me get the best of me, then further out will get some warmth and kindness but they’re not #1. Beyond that will get politeness and beyond that? Acquaintance-level. It’s like how ripples start out large and get smaller the further out they go. That’s how my heart works. I’m not going to greet my best friend the same way I greet a friend, because she’s more important and should know it.

And I wouldn’t treat my partner the same way I’d treat some rando on the street, but so many authors are guilty of writing characters so poorly there’s no discernible difference between me and some random.

And I hate it. ಠ_ಠ

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you struggle writing any character in-character and still able to be in a loving relationship, you’re a bad writer.

And I’ll say it louder for the chuckleheads in the back.

If you struggle writing any character in-character and still able to be in a loving relationship, you’re a bad writer.

And to be honest, I wouldn’t be...idk, 100% surprised that there’s someone out there who is actually fine with this sort of thing? Like, I know some people are fine with being denied/rejected, given the brush-off, etc, but my childhood has taken that off the table for me. It goes really south for me, really fast. It’s to the point I have physical reactions to it, I wind up feeling so bad.

But I mean, they have to be writing it for someone, right?

Let me give you two examples, though. Picture your favorite character (FC).

Example A:

FC comes up to you before you could react to their arrival, home at last, and greets you with a chaste but soft kiss. “I missed you,” is said quietly, almost secretly, against your mouth--an admission you knew no one else had heard from those same lips. The words are backed up with action, an arm swept around the small of your back, fingers cinched against your hip to keep you locked to their side so when they straightened up, they took you with them. Tethered together as you’d been apart long enough.

Example B:

FC was home, had arrived home hours ago, but had made no attempt to come see you or speak to you. Finally, you’d figured enough time had passed they’d be all right with a small interruption, but the knock on the door goes unanswered. After a second try, a brisk, “Come in,” is your welcome. Once inside, a glance is spared for you but no more words exchanged. “I missed you,” is your attempt for more attention, met with a silent nod to show it was heard, and a gesture you could be on your way. They were busy.

I would argue that, given the choice, most would go with Example A. Which is insane, considering the majority of fanfiction and game play I see tends to lean toward B.

And the wording is super particular, too. In B, the wording “be all right with a small interruption,” implies the Reader is actively bothering their lover. The brisk greeting could be said to anyone, but shouldn’t be said to Reader if they’re meant to be someone special. And the lack of reciprocation speaks volumes. You missed them? Who knows if they missed you.

And again, if you’re really into defending realism, a relationship where a character wouldn’t speak to you or if they do, they’re treating you like shit? You’re not going to form a relationship to begin with. It’s almost like how we, now, look back at those old time housewives who put up with/made excuses for their husbands who barely paid attention to them and ignored their kids altogether because “that’s just how men are”. We’re repeating it, just modernizing it.

Well, y’all are. I’m not.

Because I am of this wild idea that escapism should live up to it’s name. That I should be able to disconnect from my depressing ass reality to go somewhere that people are always happy to see me and then treat me like they are.

Reality is often disappointing and I am of the belief fantasy shouldn’t be.

And like I’ve said before, you can write any character in a loving relationship without making them OOC. It’s about the way you make the character show their affectionate side, their loving side, that matters--making a cold character a fucking frigid cockthistle isn’t the right way to do it.

Using Example B, a cold character who may not express themselves as openly, when written properly, might not say, “I missed you too,” but they might put their work aside, set their pen down, and hold out their hand for you. The attention they pay you there is how they show you they missed you, too.

An aloof/busy character who came home and couldn’t immediately come to see you, who still had work to do, might text you from their office and tell you--

“I’m home. Come here.”

No flowery language needed, you know they missed you. And idk about you but I’d get all tingly from that text. (♡´艸`)

And that’s what I’m talking about! How hard is that? Apparently very! I see glimpses of it in media, from the games to shows to movies (fanfiction leaves much to be desired but good writers are few and far between) but they always chase it with some unnecessary rude bullshit and then I’m like, well here we are again, me ignoring lines of dialogue because you cain’t act right.

But I digress. Getting into certain things at least allows me to cherry pick characters out of it and then rewrite them in my own head--hell, I’m a comic book fan. I’ve been doing that shit for decades, lmao.

Canon? Nah son.

So yeah. That’s just been tumbling around in my head for a while and I wanted to talk about it proper.

OM was the reason I finally decided to sit down and write this all down, and I have been seriously restraining myself from gushing in the midst of all my commentary--because I really do love the Demon Brothers something awful ♥ they’ve taken over in a big way. But this isn’t the place, unless I start analyzing the stuff OM does right--and that’s partly why it kept my attention where other otome/DS games can’t. Despite running into the same blocks as the other, similar media out there, OM does a lot of things right.

I won’t go into everything, just a handful of examples, because there’s a lot of subtlety that I think is masterfully done:

The way Lucifer is first to defend you and check up on you

The way Mammon turns from calling you “human” to “my human”

The way Levi shares his personal collector’s items with you

The way Satan invites you to events that mean something to him

The way Asmo values your compliments over anyone else’s

The way Beel shares his food with you

The way Belphie actually smiles at you

Out of context some of those could sound super unimportant, but the game does an excellent job setting it up so that you know all of those things? Mean that you mean something to the demon it’s coming from.

Lucifer has a million things to worry about but he leapt to my defense (before Mammon, who is technically in charge of me) and he goes out of his way to walk by my room and then texts me if I’m too quiet to make sure I’m okay--and offers to accompany me if I happen to leave my room for any reason. Lucifer is a super great mix of, “Come here. It’s lonely without you. Spend time with me,” and “I’m only asking where you are because I should be with you...for protection.” Like, okay. I’m onto you, old man. ♥

Mammon has little respect for humans and initially begins calling me “Human” rather than my name (despite being told to call me by name because yes, I did tell that ill-mannered boy to call me Dot) but then it gradually changes to “My human” and now I’m annoyed my heart skips when he does it. Him going so far as to say as “his human” I should only let him protect me because “It’s me or no one, understand?!” I hate you made me love you??? Plus he’s a masochist and I could obliterate him for it.

Levi is gonna get enough of calling me a fucking “normie”, aight. I’m not an otaku like you, kiddo, but I’m a fucking comic nerd so could you maybe chill--but the more you progress with him, the more he waits for you because he wants to show you his new manga or show or game. Someone wanting to share something personal with you is everything--god and he’s so tsundere he’s so easy to fluster. “It’s not what it looks like! I wasn’t waiting for you!” Outside my door? Right. Okay. “What, is that supposed to make me happy...? I-I’m sorry, don’t stop!” I love it.

Satan was one I wasn’t initially sure of. He’s very obviously hiding something beneath that cool, collected exterior (haha probably a lot of rage if you’ll ignore my Wrath pun), but he won me over pretty fast by inviting me to multiple events because, like Levi, he wants to experience things with me. Plus, when I get excited he appreciates it rather than making me feel silly. “That’s the answer I was looking for.” ♥ And he invited me moon-gazing so like, psh, yeah let’s get married.

Asmo I knew, immediately, I would have zero issue with. He’s the Avatar of Lust, which is one sin I’m real into. So while I wasn’t worried about him, finding out he had so many fans and lovers and the like, that I was worried would bother me. I’m possessive~♫ But the game did a huge service to me by showing Asmo wants my compliments more than anyone else’s. Him saying that to me made me coo, out loud. I’m typically not into narcissistic folks, but when it’s done a certain way? Like Tony. You can be important to a million people but if you show me I still come first? I’m smitten. With Asmo, the adorable way he’s almost like a puppy in wanting, “More! I want more! Just from you!” It’s so fucking cute.

Beel is best boy. Like, hands down, immediately crowned Best Brother. He is adorable, like the total giant teddy bear trope. And being the Avatar of Gluttony, food is everything to him. So when he started offering to share his food with me? Like boy oh my god. Freaking Sam hugging gif x100. I CAN’T EVEN EAT ALL THAT MUCH BUT YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES. It never fails to make me smile when I give him his favorite food and he goes, “You’re going to eat with me, right?” NOW I AM. Sobbing. While he tells me being hungry around me “isn’t so bad.” I’m not going to touch on the vore fetish he’s feeding in me every time he starts drooling and calling me a dumpling.

Belphie. Oh, Belphie. My difficult boy. Like Damian from MP I fucking knew you’d be a problem--WHICH IS DUMB YOU’RE A SLOTH, I’M A SLOTH. YOU LIKE NAPS, I LIKE NAPS. But he’s so aloof, he’s hard to pin down initially--but I was gonna get ‘im. I love how the game makes you glean Belphie’s caring for you from the things he says. “You’re late,” when you show up, because he was waiting for you. Or, “What were you doing?” because he wants to know what you’re up to and who with and why it wasn’t him. I adored his line, “I want to sleep but...come see me in my dreams or I’ll get mad.” Like baby I will live there. That and my other favorite is when he smiles and simply says, “Welcome back,” because he missed you and is happy you’re here.

That ^ is all quality. It shows that different character types can love and love well in their own way, without having to be assholes. Belphie loves differently than Asmo but you still know he loves you. The game falls into the same traps as others do, I’m not saying it’s perfect, but it definitely has my attention and I love the brothers now the same as all my other characters--where other games I’ve set aside and given up on.

I think I’ve rambled on about all this enough, it was just buzzing about in my skull and while I guess this is discourse? Really I wouldn’t even say it’s a hot take, it’s just confusing why this isn’t talked about more or why so many characters and games and stories and media are ruined by badly written attempts at romance.

My rule of thumb, or one of them, has always been similar to the golden rule:

Write your romance the way you’d want your favorite character to treat you.

I feel like, most of the time, you can’t go wrong with that. I certainly haven’t had any complaints, at least.

#{A/N} : commentary

0 notes

izzyisamachine · 7 years

Text

A Scathing Review of Descendants 2

Confession: It’s not like I hated this movie, I was just kinda frustrated and had to rant about it? No hate if you really loved this movie. Also this review has Swears™ and is completely 100% Unedited™. Sorry. Also, spoilers are here so that’s fun.

To preface this review, I don’t think I’m this film’s target audience. That is to say, I’m old enough to be embarrassed by current affairs and the state of my bank account. But I’ve always been into that good good fairy tale shit, so when I heard Disney was making a kids movie about some of their most popular (and profitable) characters, I went, “seems legit,” ignored the similarities to Mattel’s “Ever After High” franchise (I’m a sucker for fairy tale shit okay and this stuff’s free on Youtube) and hunkered down to watch. Descendants The First was… not what I’d call good per se, but it was good enough. It was a little dull, the costumes oozed kitsch that made my eyes really want to cry, and every supposedly “well known” character from Disney’s pantheon seemed a little “off” (which wasn’t really anyone’s fault, since I was expecting everyone to look like a cartoon), but ultimately it was competent. There was a plot, the pacing was decent, and there were a couple bops thrown in, since the director of Descendants also did High School Musical. This is an assessment of the first Descendants movie that I think is valid, mainly because I’ve watched a couple of reviews on film theory on Youtube, meaning that I’m a fucking expert now I guess.

But we ain’t here to talk about Descendants the first. We’re here to talk about it’s sequel, Descendants 2. Oh ho ho. Descendants 2.

Lemme start with some good stuff: the outfits definitely got a lot better, the new characters introduced are pretty cool (Uma, daughter of Ursula, and Harry Hook, self explanatory. I don't really fuck with Gil though? He’s okay I just don’t really care about him), and there are still some mf’ing bops (mainly, Uma’s intro number “What’s My Name”, and that other one where the kids try to teach Ben how to stop being so fucking white I forgot what it’s called but whatever). I understand also why a lot of people are saying this movie is the better of the two Descendants films. It’s got some good character development, and, according to some review I saw online, it’s “darker” than the first film. I don’t really remember the first film all that well so I guess I have to go along with that. But I still have major beef with the second film so here we fucking go:

DESCENDANTS 2 MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

Not as a standalone movie, not in the context of the movie’s universe, not in like, any scenario ever.

So like first of all: the whole point of the first movie was that Prince Ben, aka generic blonde love interest (GBLI), decides that the villain kids, or VKs, as they call themselves (I know, cringe barf), deserve a chance. So, despite the advice of like, everyone, he invites the kids of Maleficent, Jafar, the Evil Queen, and Cruella de Vil (??? Why the fuck is she here she doesn’t even have any magical powers that need to be contained??? They could have let her kid get adopted by someone instead of leaving him to rot on Evil McEvil Islandsville???) to come to his high school (another thing: is he the prince of the school, or the prince of the whole country?? Because we literally never see anything not within walking distance of this fucking prep school. Is there an Auradon public school where the kids of like… side characters go?) to go hang at his school. And surprisingly (to no one in the audience), they turn out to be Productive Members of Society™ who were just Misunderstood™ (after an adjustment period where they fuck everything up for a while). At the beginning of the movie, Prince GBLI turns into King GBLI. Why? I don’t fucking know. His parents are still alive AND his dad is only like… 50? At most? Why the fuck is he retiring so early??? In this economy? My dad’s like pushing 60 and still working??? What kinda bourgeoisie fuckery is this?

So. Anyway.

What is King GBLI doing with his time?

Is he improving infrastructure? Attending to foreign affairs? Or maybe, I dunno, extending his villain kid outreach program past 4 fucking people?

No. This bitch plans a party. Specifically, he plans fairy tale character prom, or “Cotillion.” Whatever.

So of course, some villain kids are (understandably) pissed about being forgotten. Specifically, one kid named Uma, played by China Anne McClain. Uma is a fucking queen. She’s cool. I like her and her pal Harry. Not Gil though. He’s the son of Gaston and I don’t really get why he’s there. But he’s okay I guess. But anyway, like a muthafucking communist boss, she’s like “Imma overthrow the bourgeoisie!” So she plans to get the fairy godmother’s magic McGuffin wand so she can reverse the social hierarchy and bring justice to the oppressed. I fuck with that. It’s understandable. Basically, King GBLI decided to pick a bunch of random villains to bring to the prep school that he's somehow king of, and forgot about literally everyone else. What a dick.

But meanwhile, King GBLI’s girlfriend Mal, the “hero” of our story (jk, it’s Uma. I love Uma) decides that she’s had ENOUGH of playing perfect girlfriend and wants to go back to being villainous Maleficent’s daughter again. So she packs up her shit, including her own personal McGuffin, her magic spell book that she somehow can’t perform magic without (did she not think to memorize the spells she uses really often or is that book the source of all her power? Whatever, the movie never fucking explains this so I won’t even try), and fucks on off to Evil McEvilsville (or the “Isle of the Lost”. Whatever.) Here, she gets a dramatic dye job and basically does whatever the fuck she wants while her friends worry about her.

Her friends find out she’s missing and follow her to the isle, taking the most inconspicuous vehicle they can find: a magic barrier breaking limousine. Sorry, did I say most inconspicuous? I meant least inconspicuous. Then, Uma kidnaps GBLI and is like, “hey. You forgot about us and thats not cool.” To which he’s like, “well I remember you now so that’s like, totally enough to make you good now, right?” To which she, understandably, is like, Bitch No. SO THEN, she tell Mal that if she ever wants to see GBLI again, she has to bring her fairy godmother’s Magic McGuffin™. The Gang™ tricks her with a 3D printed wand (what fucking century does this movie take place in I’m confused), and fucks off back to their super cool party. BUT WAIT! MAL HAS LEFT HER MCGUFFIN SPELL BOOK ON THE ISLAND! WHAT HAPPENS NOOOOOOWWW????

This is where the movie really starts to piss me the fuck off. You see, in film theory, there’s a little thing called “planting and payoff.” Basically, when the camera focusses on a specific object in detail, you expect to see that shit pop up later on. Example: if you see some guy holding a suitcase and then the camera pans to the suitcase, you expect it to be germane to the plot later on. So the assumption with Descendants 2 is: Uma finds Mal’s spell book and confronts her at the party thing. She then uses Mal’s only source of power against her. Since Mal has never been seen doing any magic without her spell book, she would now be powerless and have to find a way to do magic without it through an 11th hour power up or else use her wits and the help of her friends to retrieve her spell book and save the day. Instead, Uma seduces (I know it’s a kid’s movie so there’s no actual seducing but I dunno what else to call it) GBLI through a spell that she did NOT get from the spell book. Which Mal breaks easily with true love’s kiss, because this is a fairy tale movie. Then, Uma kinda uses her magic necklace (that’s here now) to grow huge and splash the prom boat. Lame. My prom was also on a boat. Double lame. And everyone on the boat acts super scared because now there’s water in it!… but no like holes, so the deck’s just a little wet and maybe the boat tilts a little. Everyone just kinda stands on the deck instead of getting below deck like a group of normal people and acts surprised that it’s tilting back and forth. No shit buddy! There’s a giant tentacle lady who’s angry at you in the water! What did you think was going to happen? Then Mal fucking TURNS INTO A DRAGON for some reason. And she fights Uma by blowing fire at her. In the middle of the ocean. Which has like, no effect because Mal just really really likes aiming like, three feet in front of Uma into the water. And water kinda does this thing where it puts out fire? I dunno maybe she should work on aiming better or something or find something more useful to transform into. Anyway, GBLI jumps into the water like an IDIOT and is like “Why can’t we be friends?” To which Uma is like, “what the fuck man.” Understandable. But then she just, like

GOES AWAY?

My girl just decides to fucking leave for some reason what the fuck she could have easily won whatever the fuck that battle was and 5 minutes in she just WALKS AWAY??? This whole battle scene just savors of anti-climax. Kinda like a faked orgasm. And then they FIND MAL’S SPELL BOOK BELOW THE DECK??? AFTER EVERYTHING IS OVER??? WHAT THE FUCK??? Y’all lead me to believe it’s a salient plot point and now this shit? And then Mal decides to give her book to a museum because it’s “too dangerous.” What the fuck? No one in this movie did anything remotely dangerous with that fucking book? And then GBLI has obviously learned his lesson. Because he decides to admit one (1, uno, yi, une) more villain kid to the prep school. Because one of the other villain kids, Evie (who I kinda overlook in this review even though I kinda like her), literally asks him point blank. And then everyone dances in the rain like they haven’t learned an important lesson about social class and what the lack of opportunities to underprivileged youths can mean for society.

Fuck.

#descendants 2 #descendants #uma #i'm sorry if you liked this movie?#i know a lot of people did #i just #have a lot of feelings about it #spoilers

25 notes · View notes