#sorry for the amount of posts it WILL keep happening. I just started ng+. it just gets worse from here on and WHEN I SEE THANCRED AGAIN??

[kanmom51]

First namjin, then sope, and then… oh god, I almost do not want a 🐯🐥🐰 vlive… Please Hybe, give us a 🐯🐥 live, or a 🐯🐰 one… Or even a 🐥🐰 live (if you dare). But by putting the maknae line together in a live feels like a set up… Just thinking about it makes me anxious bc I know it’ll be a mess in the comments with mostly JM getting a sh!t ton of hate. International fans don’t know how to behave, and with the hate he gets on the daily on twitter for being a homewrecker or whatever those idiots think he is… I just know it’ll be bad. I know he’s a grown man but having a vlive with the maknae line specifically feels like a set up for him to get even more heat from delulu shippers. Sigh… I remember him making a face when he saw a comment in one of their recent ot7 vlives, still don’t know what that was about but I can guess as he looked sad to read whatever was written there. At this point i’d rather those delulu idiots got their subunit/vlive/whatever else they want from TK instead of hybe setting JM up to get direct hate thrown at him like this. It’s bad enough the amount of terrible things they say about him on social media just because his members love him, sigh… If this fandom didn’t hate him as much as they do I wouldn’t mind getting that live bc I love all their interactions with each other (some more than others but that’s beside the point), however these people clearly don’t. They don’t appreciate him and they blame him for being himself. It makes me so angry. He does not deserve to be constantly treated like this you know? I love 🐥🐰‘s relationship but not at the expense of either of them getting tons of hate bc of it. This was more of a rant, sorry for coming here to talk about this but I found your blog a month ago and I really enjoy reading your thoughts.

Ask 2:

This is the first time I've ever been scared for the thought of a Vminkook live and its because of the hate that's been non stop piled on JM for the last couple of months. Its always been bad, but this take the cake how he's been treated this whole Butter Era. I know that Vminkook live is gonna be a disaster for him. The comment section will be TK flooded. Since TK have no problem saying their unit name, odds are, they will say it with JM there and that's gonna create a firestorm. I'm not ready.

Ask 3:

I hope and praying for a vmin, jk already did one and probably he might do a solo one on his birthday. I don't want a jkk one neither a vminkook one, because those will only bring jm hate. especially a vminkook one. as that anon said, th might start touching or flirting with jk OR jm, and it would be hell. I'm already on rest on twt because these days are pure hell there, imagine what would happen.

Ask 4:

i really dont want a vminkook live, i just know its gonna be used against jimin when tk interacts and hes gonna get called thirdwheel or names again especially considering how touchy tk are with each other and how jk looks cold while interacting with jimin these days

I know where you are all coming from. I really do. I too am sick of the hate JM keeps getting.

But we have to stop thinking this way. To let the toxic part of the fandom win, in a way. Letting them have what they want because otherwise they will attack (figuratively). It's kind of giving into blackmail or letting a bully win.

Wouldn't leaving JM out of specific content be letting them win at their own game?

Instead of wishing for JM not to be together with the two people he loves most, and for us to be able to enjoy their interactions, we should be on our keyboards fighting back. Every bad hurtful comment should be followed by a positive loving one. Every bad hateful Twitter post should be reported and followed by posts filled with love and appreciation for JM, same on Weverse or any other social media platform.

The bullying hate filled behaviour towards JM will always be there. It would be naïve to think that him not being in the live would prevent any kind of hate towards him. The haters will find a reason to hate him whatever happens. If there is a Vmin live, there will be hate in comments. If there is a TKK live they will find a way to insert hate against JM in the comments (and you think JM won't be watching that live even if he's not in it?). We saw that the hate was there even in a BTS live with all of the members.

Let's be realistic. If indeed Sope are up next, then the week after - JK's birthday - the likelihood is for a Vminkook live (remember JK piping up asking "what about my birthday?").

I say brace yourselves. Instead of allowing those shits (yes, they are true shits, not afraid to say it) to get to you, fight back, just like I said. Show JM how much love is out there for him. Show him that there is more love and support for him than hate.

#ask #anon

[thebibliosphere]

The problem with Amazon and Indie Publishing.

Hey fam, this is just a heads up from myself and all the others involved with the Weird and Wonderful Holiday Romance anthology regarding the paperback edition.

It’s been brought to our attention that some serious nonsense is happening regarding Amazon and Amazon-owned distributors (looking at you Book Depository) stating falsely that our books are either out of stock (false) going to take two months to ship to you (FALSE) or allowing scalpers to set the price at ridiculous amounts such as these, instead of our actual price:

ID: An image showing the cost of our paperback anthology costing $45.25 instead of our set price of $17.99.

PLEASE DO NOT BUY FROM THIS SELLER.

The marketplace has been hijacked by a scalper who does not represent us or any of our distributors. The anthology should never cost more than $17.99 (+tax/shipping), and it should NOT take two to three months to get to you. It is in stock and ready to be shipped from our printer, Ingram Sparks, today.

As is evident from our Barnes and Noble link:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/weird-wonderful-holiday-romance-anthology-caitlyn-lynch/1133948930?ean=9780998168425

ID: An image showing the cost of our paperback anthology being sold through Barnes & Noble for $17.99, fully in stock and ready to ship and also available for delivery Friday 8th of November with Expedited Shipping, something they would not be able to do if the book was out of stock.

And also here from Ingram Spark themselves:

Sorry for the Potato Quality of this one, but if you click it you will see it is fully ready to ship/download without delay.

So what the heck is going on with Amazon then? Well, as I’m sure you’ll all be shocked to learn: Amazon is a complete bag of dicks and are actively throttling our sales because we chose not to use their printing service. Yep, I’ll say that again: Amazon actively throttles the sales of Indie Authors who choose not to use Kindle Direct to Print as their main printer and distributor and then tries to get you to buy the Kindle Version so THEY can get the sale:

ID: An image showing Amazon giving false information stating the paperback of the anthology “usually ships within 1-2 months. Why wait? Try the Kindle Edition instead and start reading now!”

And if you think that sounds like playing a game of Monoply with your hands tied behind your back, you’d be right!

So what’s the big deal, Joy? Why not just bite the bullet and print things through the KDP store? Well person who was no doubt going to ask this in the comments, I’m glad you asked. Here are multiple reasons:

Number one: Kindle Direct pays less in royalties than other more reputable printers. The difference is about a dollar and change less, but when you factor in the cost of production and how little the indie author actually makes in take home sales, that dollar matters.

Number two: Kindle Direct quality control is an absolute shit-show, and it’s not unheard of for books to be sent out either missing pages, printed upside down, with pages cut in half, or just plain blank! For an example, please check out this post from Nicole Autumns’s twitter dated Nov 4th 2019 to see what we’re dealing with, and also understand why many Indie Authors are starting to drop KDP like the rotten hot potato it is.

Number three: here’s a funny thing, there’s no reason for the KDP quality be be Like That, because with the exception of Australia, KDP’s main printer is (drumroll please!) Ingram Sparks! Yes, that’s right! OUR PRINTER. The one they are saying is out of stock. Now isn’t that interesting. (NB: The article is wrong about earning more through KDP and does not reflect the experiences of our authors or the publisher.)

Number four: we actually did submit for KDP after we realized they were going to throttle our sales, meaning we now go to print at a loss, and also risk shoddy quality control and

Number five: We Shouldn’t Have To! That’s it, that’s the tea. We shouldn’t have to use KDP for them to represent us honestly and act fairly as a distributor, but unfortunately for you me and everyone else who isn’t Jeff F*#!%$NG Bezos, Amazon has no such qualms about things like honesty, fairness or transparency. 

So, why sell with Amazon at all? To put it simply: Because we have to.

Amazon is the #1 retail seller for books, and for a lot of us it’s the only chance we’ll get at gaining any real income from our work. Not everyone has the luxury of a book deal from a Big Publishing house that pays to keep the lights on. And even those are few and far between, and often not as much money as you think they are.

And in case you weren’t boiling mad already? Want to know what else Amazon throttles? Reviews! So if you’ve read our work and enjoyed it? PLEASE leave a review, either on the amazon page out of spite, Good Reads (also owned by Amazon, fyi) or wherever you got your copies of the books from.

Reviews matter so much to authors, they’re not just a nice way of letting people know you liked something, they also keep us relevant to the algorithms and not shunted to the side in favor of people who pay for their reviews, which yes is a thing, and maybe we’ll go into that another time.

So to bring this long ass and extremely worn out post to a close: if you were one of the people who contacted us about this, thank you.

If you were one of the people who expressed interest in the anthology but were put off by Amazon’s bullshit: please take a look at our other paperback distributors.

If you read our anthology: please consider leaving a review! We’re fighting an uphill battle against an unethical multibillion dollar conglomerate that’s got a stranglehold on the industry and we’re all very small and very tired, and speaking for myself, very queer and disabled, so you can imagine the kind of stress we’re under right now.

I dunno how to end this. Support your local author. Eat the rich.

Be excellent to each other.

#indie publishing #weird and wonderful holiday romance #amazon publishing #long post #text post #links #please boost #more folk need to know the kind of things amazon are up to

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 100

[Date: 20/03, 7:45 PM GMT - 20/03, 8:49 PM GMT]

[Prior to the below conversation, Mona and Marcus briefly discuss how Maxwell had said that Fetch was supposed to be returning home this day. Even if it wasn’t the Fetch they knew, Mona said that he’d still have to take a bath when he got home.]

Little-K1ng: “i.. kind of dont want to think about it until it happens, yknow?

speaking of max, did you see??

im so proud of him, he left and didnt feel like he had to tell me why”

marcus...?: “Oh! Progress!!”

Little-K1ng: “of course i saw the post, hes waiting for fetch. but i think he also needed something from that place he was staying at? im just hopeful for him

im glad hes feeling confident after all this”

marcus...?: “Me too

He seemed...less stressed”

Little-K1ng: “yeah !!

but honestly, so do you”

marcus...?: “Do I?”

Little-K1ng: “yeah, just a bit

you know i still support you, right?”

marcus...?: “...”

Little-K1ng: “just like how i support max taking off his necklace, i support you being yourself

whatever that means to you”

donti: “. its up to you, marcus.”

marcus...?: “...”

Little-K1ng: “or viscount, if you like”

Little-K1ng: “do you want me to be honest?”

marcus...?: “Please”

Little-K1ng: “i know i havent done that much lately

i dont.... i dont really think you've been "marcus" this whole time. i believe thats who you were before crown, but i dont think you ever really fell out of the Family, so to speak

and im fine with that”

marcus...?: “...you are?”

llyr (they/them): “uhm, i hate to interrupt, but i think knight has max?”

donti: “WHAT”

Little-K1ng: “WH

okay,, uh”

donti: “NOT GOOD”

[marcus...?: “...you are?”]

Little-K1ng: “yes i am

but also”

llyr (they/them): “max said he was going to go outside and now knight said “he has the third””

Little-K1ng: “HHHH”

donti: “hey hey uh. this is.. not ideal but. we can. work through this.

do you know. wher ethey are OH WAIT BARONESS IS WHAT

baroness is taking max.

but fetch looks to be coming back.”

llyr (they/them): “... 3:

... shit.”

donti: “"shit" indeed.”

Little-K1ng: “I.....”

donti: “mona?”

Little-K1ng: “christ”

donti: “marcus.. or veyecount?”

Little-K1ng: “i cant even go get him,

i thought he was on his way back i...”

marcus...?: “...max isnt.. coming back”

donti: “no..

unless you want to try to catch baroness.

fetch can hear the music.”

marcus...?: “What music?”

donti: “. the music crown plays.

to get him to sleep. or be taken.”

marcus...?: “...oh”

donti: “. if he resists it his nose starts bleeding. its not good.”

Jack the Observer: “Fetch is making his way back to the house.

at least.”

marcus...?: “That’s good”

llyr (they/them): “there’s nothing we can do at this point, is there?”

Jack the Observer: “no.”

marcus...?: “...Mona?”

Little-K1ng: “im just.....

i guess... im running a warm bath, do you want to put on some coffee? if fetch shows up, hes going to be exhausted. if knight shows up, hes going to appreciate the effort”

marcus...?: “....yeah I can do that”

Little-K1ng: “.....brew it strong

ill need some too, i have a migraine coming on”

marcus...?: “Got it”

donti: “. guys.

fetch isnt doing. too well.”

llyr (they/them): “...”

marcus...?: “I can see that, try not to stress Mona out any more than she already is please”

donti: “alright.”

Little-K1ng: “marcus, can i check your laurel? just to see if anything else has happened to it”

marcus...?: “Uh..yeah sure”

Little-K1ng: “hm.. the flowers are pretty and blooming well, but no new changes”

marcus...?: “...can I check for you?”

Jack the Observer: “well. we can see how Mona is doing. how about you, viscount?”

marcus...?: “I’m alright”

arc: “is there anything you need from us at the moment bud?”

marcus...?: “I’m fine, Mona is stressed”

Jack the Observer 👁: “it would be understandable if you were also stressed, viscount.

after all, you are familiar with both Fetch and Knight.”

marcus...?: “I’m....not stressed exactly

Anxious maybe”

[marcus...?: “...can I check for you?”]

Little-K1ng: “...please”

marcus...?: “....

Nothing

No bumps

Your skins red but you said you’d been pulling on your hair”

Jack the Observer: “it's the twentieth.”

Little-K1ng: “yeah... been constantly checking and its actually kinda hurting from that”

Jack the Observer: “that would imply that she is not, in fact the fourth.

...”

Little-K1ng: “but only from that, nothing on the skin”

Jack the Observer: “so who is?”

Little-K1ng: “im.... i just....ii  j ust ,,”

llyr (they/them): “wasn’t baroness’s a spontaneous growth?”

Jack the Observer: “not really. she had a unusual headache and illness for days before.”

Little-K1ng: “i dd o nt knn ow”

donti: “ah. mona.”

marcus...?: “Hey hey hey Mona it’s okay”

Little-K1ng: “h h ow amd i gg oi ng to kee p d oi ng this”

Little-K1ng: “eever yy FUCKING time,,”

donti: “breathe..”

Jack the Observer: “calm yourself.

fetch is here

is fetch there, mona”

donti: “fetch!”

Little-K1ng: “hh es ??

wha t?

oh

oh i hear footsteps on the porch”

Jack the Observer: “calm yourself. go to fetch.”

Little-K1ng: “I”

marcus...?: “ow”

Little-K1ng: “WOAH okay”

. . .: “ ...”

Little-K1ng: “FETCH?”

marcus...?: “Did you have to slam the door??”

. . .: “............”

marcus...?: “Holy shit”

. . .: “...”

Jack the Observer: “viscount, what's happening.”

donti: “fetch?”

Little-K1ng: “the door just FLEW open oh my god”

marcus...?: “He’s..covered in blood”

Little-K1ng: “oh my god

oh thats a lot....”

marcus...?: “Oh my god”

. . .: “Cant you hear that lovely tune?”

Jack the Observer: “Who's the most coherent one in the room”

marcus...?: “Me?”

Little-K1ng: “the... tune?”

donti: “. the song.”

marcus...?: “Fetch there’s no sound”

Bea (she/they): “oh no”

Jack the Observer: “well. can you hear puppet?”

marcus...?: “Just..us”

Jack the Observer: “...”

Little-K1ng: “fetch..... its quiet except for your breathing, are you....?”

Jack the Observer: “it's Knight that's playing puppet, then.”

donti: “or crown.”

marcus...?: “There’s no sounds”

Little-K1ng: “fetch... i..”

marcus...?: “No one is playing anything”

Little-K1ng: “hey, come here... you're gonna hurt yourself, i can help you stand..”

marcus...?: “WHOA HEY”

[donti: “is his nose bleeding?”]

Little-K1ng: “genuinely the least answerable question”

Jack the Observer: “someone get Max's tea.”

Little-K1ng: “AH

FETCH”

marcus...?: “he just collapsed”

Little-K1ng: “hes on the floor

ill carry him im”

donti: “the tea jacks right give him the tea”

Little-K1ng: “he needs a lot”

C R O W N: “:)”

Little-K1ng: “[GASP] uh uh hey hey there uh”

donti: “. crown. nice to.. see you again.”

Little-K1ng: “just gonna,, drag

fetch,,”

Little-K1ng: “gotta get him cleaned up,, hahahaha,,, uh,,,”

C R O W N: “hello again everyone :) long time, no see”

marcus...?: “.....

Crown”

marcus...?: “Crown I’m so sorry”

Little-K1ng: “here bud, just lay here, okay? you'll be alright,, ill keep you safe, you'll be okay, fetch

ill grab maxs weird water for you just.... just lay here.... dont slump like that...”

[marcus...?: “Crown I’m so sorry”]

C R O W N: “Ah, viscount :) how are you feeling? your flowers are coming in beautifully”

marcus...?: “I’m feeling alright but..

I’m sorry

im so sorry”

Little-K1ng: “here, fetch, shh... just.... ill wipe you down with it... it should help.... i cant see if you're wounded i cant see it... ,my migraine.....you'll be okay you'll be okay ill keep you safe”

[marcus...?: “im so sorry”]

C R O W N: “It's alright :) i'm not mad, i promise”

marcus...?: “..you’re not?

I... I pushed you in a river”

donti: “marcus?

marcus...?: “I pushed you in a river and I knew it would hurt you I was just so scared im sorry

I never wanted to leave I was just scared I'm sorry”

Little-K1ng: “there we go.... your cuts are sealing, you're looking better already... you're breathing okay... i promised you would come home in time and you're here fetch and im so glad”

[marcus...?: “I never wanted to leave I was just scared I'm sorry”]

C R O W N: “It's okay, vis. You're going home now. That's what matters :)”

marcus...?: “i can come back?”

Little-K1ng: “im sure lawrence would have understood.... im sure he forgives you..... its okay....... i forgive you, i was never mad fetch im here.... i wont let you go again i promise i promise i”

marcus...?: “you’ll let me come back home?” 

[marcus...?: “you’ll let me come back home?”] 

C R O W N: “of course :)”

marcus...?: “thank you thankyouthankyou

....crown?”

C R O W N: “:)”

marcus...?: “Crown...max and fetch...

They aren’t happy.......when they’re page and knight

please

let them be happy”

Kate: “Oh, this is such a good day!”

marcus...?: “can you promise me that?”

Little-K1ng: “its okay fetch its okay ive got you im holding you you'll be okay even if you're knight i wont mind i wont as long as you're okay and you're happy i promise i really do”

donti: “chat and kate are here.”

Jack the Observer: “hello, pawns :)”

Kate: “:)”

Chat: “:)”

[.: “let them be happy”]

C R O W N: “Of course, vis. I promise they'll be happy:)”

marcus...?: “thank you”

Little-K1ng: “crown is in my house hes in my house hes talking to marcus viscount him and i just i dont know what to do i said i would be okay im going to be okay ive done it before and ill do it again ill be okay”

[Jack the Observer: “calm yourself, Mona. focus on... your dog.”]

Little-K1ng: “name one single other thing i have ever been focused on you many eyed FUCK”

Kate: “:)”

[Kate: “hello there! are you as excited as we are?”]

Jack the Observer: “we've certainly been waiting for this moment with a comparable amount of energy.”

Kate: “:)”

donti: “you seem excited. i hope youre happy.”

C R O W N: “It's time to go home, for all of you. Are you ready? :)”

.: “I’m ready”

Little-K1ng: “ive been waiting for this day for weeks now and its here and i dont know what to do i dont know how to help or what to say or how to feel or what to think what the fuck”

Kate: “Of course I’m happy, silly! Family is coming home today! Wouldn’t you be happy?”

. . .: “Duh! why wouldn't i be!”

Little-K1ng: “knight if today is the day you still have to get up and go hes here and i dont know how patient hes going to be please ijust wa nt  yo u to be h a pp y . and sa sa fe....”

C R O W N: “I'm glad to hear it :)”

Jack the Observer: “we're just waiting on the second and the fourth, now.”

Little-K1ng: “the second is in here in the bathroom with me please crown please come in and see him i cant get him to wake up hes exhausted and i dont know what to do”

donti: “why are you calling him that...”

Jack the Observer: “well. we can't call him Knight or Fetch.”

Little-K1ng: “hes breathing hes ALIVE but i cant i cant help him i dont know what to do hes not bleeding anymore he should be awake”

Bea (she/they): “who said we couldn't call him fetch?”

[donti: “why are you calling him that...”]

Jack the Observer: “the second makes it clear, at least, who we're speaking about.”

[Little-K1ng: “hes breathing hes ALIVE but i cant i cant help him i dont know what to do hes not bleeding anymore he should be awake”]

C R O W N: “Ah I see :)”

Jack the Observer: “he may not be fetch right now. it's disrespectful not to call someone by their chosen name.”

Little-K1ng: “i dont know who the fourth is and i dont know what to do i dont have a laurel and i dont know how to help”

C R O W N: “:)”

Little-K1ng: “WHY ARE YOU SMILING?? IS HE OKAY WHAT DO I DO CROWN”

[Little-K1ng: “WHY ARE YOU SMILING?? IS HE OKAY WHAT DO I DO CROWN”]

C R O W N: “The first came willingly, the second is sleeping, the third is heading home. The fourth? :)”

Kate: “Don't worry, Mona! When he wakes up, he'll be good as new! Crown always takes care of us”

Little-K1ng: “crown my migraine isnt worse with you around, its just the same. i weirdly expected something to change while im looking at you”

Little-K1ng: “im just looking at you and you're right in front of me. you're just. you're just smiling at me and im just as conflicted as i was before. i dont know what to do, crown

[hic] ii , ,i  just don n t kn ow wwh a t to do..”

Jack the Observer: “please stay coherent, mona.”

Little-K1ng: “i, , i m, t try ing,... ii h a ve t o try”

C R O W N: “It's alright :) can i speak with you? away from prying eyes?”

Little-K1ng: “I...”

Little-K1ng: “yeah

we can talk”

Jack the Observer: “...”

donti: “... be safe mona.”

llyr (they/them): “... stay safe”

Jack the Observer: “mind how you go.”

Little-K1ng: “ill be safe, i think. i dont think he could really hurt me like this”

Kate: “:)”

Jack the Observer: “:)”

Kate: “Everything will be alright. Don't worry your pretty little heads.”

Chat: “:)”

Kate: “:)”

donti: “.i wonder if the others are alright.”

Jack the Observer: “will everything come out alright? none of us can be certain.”

Kate: “Come on, don't be sad. Today's a joyous day! It's the first day of spring!”

Jack the Observer: “not even Kate, confident as they are”

donti: “ah. a very happy day.”

donti: “spring.”

Kate: “Why wouldn't everything come out alright? Family's coming home! It's time to have a good old fashioned celebration!”

llyr (they/them): “spring... is a very good season. it’s new beginnings, right? :3″

Kate: “Exactly! It's a time for new beginnings, to clear away the dust and sadness and coldness of winter and let the sunshine in!”

donti: “spring cleaning is. overrated.”

llyr (they/them): “haha.. you’re right...”

Kate: “Yes, but sometimes it's necessary to let beautiful things grow!”

#on:discord #by:marcus #by:knight #by:crown #by:baroness #if the crown fits #by:chat #by:kate

[despairingvacation]

don’t you love farce? my fault, i fear... [ CHAPTER TWO ]

“RISE AND SHINE, SUCKERS!” 

The sound of Willie’s voice stirs you awake, whether you like it or not. As desperately as you wished that everything was just a cruel joke, or some elaborated nightmare, it’s come to your full attention that this was indeed real - this was your life for the next few months, and you had to deal with it. 

“While y’all were out doin’ your own thing, I took it in my own hands to go and clean up the murder scene myself. If’ya go anywhere near the stairs, it’s like as if nothin’ ever happened! I hope you’ve all come to realize that yer not gettin’ outta here, no matter how hard you try. The only way you’ll be able to get out is if you go an’ kill someone, or, y’know… set off your code. It’s disappointing none’ve ‘ya went and did that, yet, actually.” Willie’s voice seemingly taunts those who’ve survived so far, and it’s aggravating to those awake to hear the announcements. 

“Well, I ain’t gonna keep ‘ya. But y’know what to do...don’tcha? KEEP ME ENTERTAINED.” 

The speakers cut off, and everybody’s greeted with silence. What everyone chose to do was up to them, but should you choose and go to investigate the stairwell - you’ll find that Willie wasn’t lying. Where Zidane’s body once lay was a clean, and spotless area, as if nothing there had happened previously. As if there wasn’t a murder that had happened just the other night.

In the cupboards of the kitchen, all glasses have been returned. As if Lucky hadn’t grabbed one and shattered it against Zidane’s face, causing him to stumble back and meet his demise at the end of the staircase. It felt eerie, really… Knowing that a fellow member of the Future Foundation had gone and passed in such a terrible fashion. 

There were now thirty-one of you. Perhaps tensions between some people were high, or bonds have grown stronger… Who knows? Only you knew. 

Just remember to keep a note of your NG codes. 

YOU’LL NEED IT.

---------->> CHAPTER TWO: START.

---- 

Welcome to Chapter Two of DV 1.5! If you’ve made it this far and you’re alive, congratulations! Here’s three coins for you to use for the monomachine. 

No new locations are open. All locations have been available from the get-go. 

If you want your character’s NG code to go off, then please be sure to message Willie’s discord as soon as you can. Please don’t wait until the motive drabble drops.

As of this drabble being posted, you may no longer create starters for chapter one. All channels related to Chapter one will be closed, except for the face-to-face channels, where you will be able to continue threads to get some needed activity in if you need it for the activity check. Face-to-face channels will only be available until June 2nd. 

We will be having our first activity check! In order to turn in your threads, we are requiring you to create a google docs and compile all the threads you’ve done into it. Be sure to mark them accordingly, as well as doing whatever you’d want to indicate which replies are yours. You will be able to turn in multiple threads with the same muse, but please only limit it to two threads. If you have private threads that occurred outside of the server, you are free to add that into your activity check document. Reminder: in order for it to count for activity check, you MUST have at least three written replies in the thread. Threads do NOT need to be finished, just as long as they reach activity requirement. Please post your documents for the activity check in the designated channel for it. ( #activity-check ) You will know when you’ve been approved for an activity check when you receive a reaction from one of the mods, as well as a DM from Willie’s discord for the amount of coins you’ll receive for the monomachine. 

Activity check will be due June 2nd. 

Unlike the first chapter, you may use the monomachine up to five times! Sorry, Lucky and Zidane. 

Speaking of Lucky and Zidane, if they had used the monomachine - all items they retrieved from it will be found on their beds in their room. 

Motive drop will happen exactly one week from now on June 4th 3 PM PST, unless otherwise stated. 

That’s all, folks! Have fun! :] 

#dv 1.5 #dv 1.5: chapter two

[butchedyke]

(for the char thing) stanley uris, mike hanlon, and patty blum

migz!!!! i’m sorry i abandoned this in favour of video games and capitalism i hope i can make it up to u uwu

this is mostly going off the movies but there’s occasional book and miniseries input- i’ve only read the first few chapters, a few wikia pages, and some character meta from the book and i’ve only seen the miniseries once vs the however many times ive watched the movies in the last 2 months so don’t expect consistency between canons

 (also i’m gonna put these under a cut because this post got really long)

stanley uris

How I feel about this character:

there is a reason i use the tag baby boy for stan (and also for miniseries eddie)!!!! he’s my favourite loser other than eddie and i want to like. hold him and make sure he’s happy and healthy and i think stephen king should treat his characters better.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

patty!!!!! their relationship in the book makes me so happy and anyone who’s ever spoken to me about stanpat knows that i am at all times thinking about how she calls his car sedanley.

that being said, i respect stenbrough, stanlon, and streddie but overall this is a stanpat household

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

stan with all the losers but especially richie! which isn’t very original since they are literally best friends but their dynamic!!! good!!!! i’ve not been able to stop thinking about that one scene from the miniseries where richie introduces stan as “this is stan the man uris, he’s a jew,” partially because it’s fucking funny because who says that richie what the fuck, but also because stan just instantly follows up by saying that richie has a high metabolism which makes him hyperactive, and maybe it’s because the miniseries is campy and a little bit shit but the delivery of those lines makes it seem like they do this a lot! they have these introductions ready to go! and i love the idea of them as a platonic package deal even if we don’t get to see much of that in the movies

My unpopular opinion about this character:

i don’t think i really have any? i tend to follow people who hold the same opinions as me tho so i have no idea what’s popular outside of that dshfk

i mean i do think fics that save eddie but not stan aren’t really fix-its and going off the amount of fics where stan’s still dead i guess that’s somehow an unpopular opinion? i know everyone’s focused on reddie rn but god like. stan is right there can we stop ignoring him pls

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

i mean the most blatantly obvious answer here is that i wish he didn’t die! he should’ve gotten to go on his holiday and rail/get railed by his wife and live to meet his friends as adults, catch up on the 27 years they didn’t get to be with each other. he should’ve gotten to have kids, once everything was over, and they should’ve been able to grow up with 5 extra uncles and an aunt bc u can’t tell me the rest of the losers wouldn’t be deeply embedded in their lives. i just wish stan had a chance to be completely, 100% happy without the underlying terror of his childhood.

on a smaller note i also wish we’d gotten to see more of his interest in birds in the movies bc like. he’s babie. and who knows! maybe would’ve helped stop the perception that his entire personality is just being a bitch that hates richie jshfd

mike hanlon

How I feel about this character:

part of the reason i wanted to read the book was for more mike content because i adore this lil farm boy and the movies. well. y’know. :). characters who just openly and whole-heartedly love their friends and go straight ride or die like 10 minutes after meeting them have my whole heart! he’s so smart and so kind and just wanted to protect his friends as best he could even though he dragged them into this whole mess bc he doesn’t want to lose them again!!!! mike deserves the whole world and if his way of getting that is by getting out of derry and getting to know that his friends remember and love him and each other then that’s all i want for him.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

i wasn’t overly set on any particular mike ship until i watched the miniseries and saw the homoerotic bike montage and now i’m fully on the hanbrough train. choo choo.

just like with stan i support stanlon but endgame hanbrough is just. it’s right there in the text. bill didn’t divorce audra for nothing in ch2.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

this also kinda ties in with the last point, but jane @billdenbrough opened my eyes, in the middle of a very in-depth conversation about audra’s minion strap, to the world of best friends mike and audra who are both with bill which is both galaxy brained and an incredibly good concept which i think about a lot

also i think mike and ben could’ve had something Incredibly soft if mike wasn’t treated like a background character in the first film and a quest-giving npc in the second one :) :)

My unpopular opinion about this character:

i headcanon mike as gay, i have no textual evidence for this, i just think he’s neat. i think it’s a pretty popular opinion that the movies treated him poorly? and i also think that in ch2 he was just trying to protect his friends in a scenario that did not lend itself at all to protection. drugging bill and not telling the others about the full ritual might not have been the best thing to do, but he was in a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation, and he was trying his best to save his friends no matter how impossible it may have been.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

i uh :) i don’t know if anyone’s figured out yet :) that i wish many things had happened with mike in canon :) :) the first film doesn’t give him much but the second film just infuriates me completely tbqh! he’s basically entirely there to push the narrative (his dialogue doesn’t even sound like dialogue! it sounds like prose explaining the plot and the next steps the characters have to take!), or to drug and lie to his friends. i wish they’d kept his backstory the same, that we’d actually gotten to see him find his token, that he’d gotten a token relevant to him as an individual rather than the group, that we’d gotten a flashback for him, that he was given more screentime and development across both films, like... i wish he’d been treated like the other losers and not a plot point.

i also wish we’d gotten to see him on his travels post-canon, seeing the other losers, and just generally actually getting to be happy- we see the start of it but god i just want to see him having a good time outside of derry.

patty blum

How I feel about this character:

if she were not stan’s wife she would be my wife. we don’t get to see much of her in the movie or miniseries and that is a fucking crime!!!! i’ve already mentioned sedanley but like. sedanley. i’ve read patty’s bit in the book and that’s all i need the other 1100 pages can get fucked, she’s just here to watch family feud and love stan which i can confidently say is a huge fucking mood

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

STAN. i guess i already talked about this before but i’ll keep going!!! my love for stanpat overwhelms my usual distaste towards straight relationships bc they’re so good!!!!! the fact that they’re really the only happy relationship to come out of the 27 year gap and they love each other so much and so like... wholesomely? but they still blow each other’s backs out on the reg and it’s what they deserve.

also i sometimes think about patty/audra as like. kind of a crack ship kind of a “i’m a lesbian and i’m desperate to see lesbians” ship. i haven’t thought about it in depth i just want to plant the seed

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

stan introducing patty to the losers and patty becoming an honorary loser is my weakness!!!! patty being comfortable enough to rib richie (and richieandeddie) with stan, but also vice versa going along with richie’s bits. patty and bev getting close because as much as st*phen k*ng and co push bev as One Of The Boys(tm) there’s just something in having another woman around that can be refreshing especially when they’re both bicons. patty and mike enthusiastically sharing holiday pictures and tales of their trips. patty noticing when eddie’s having a bad day, whether it’s anxiety or lingering trauma, and supporting him through it, regaling him with stories about stan and what essentially amount to dad jokes (sedanley!!!) and making sure he knows he’s loved and supported by all the losers. patty, the teacher, and ben, lunchtimes-in-the-library ben who never outgrew his love of reading, nerding out over shit that the others don’t really know about. bill telling patty all about what stan was like as a kid in that way only bill can, richie chiming in with crude comments sometimes but noticeably keeping quieter than usual, and patty returning the favour, telling them about the last 27 years, and not even richie makes a single joke when everyone tears up (because he’s tearing up the most). stan sitting there the whole time not even bothering to point out that he’s right there because it’s enough for him to see the romantic love of his life and the platonic loves of his life bonding, and yeah, maybe it was worth sticking around for.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

i don’t know if this is unpopular but patty pegs. that’s all.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

more patty. let me see my wife.

#eddiekissbrak #migz this has literally taken me hours i hope ur happy #i can't remember if the book specifies what patty teaches so i'm taking some liberties because i don't care what stephen king has to say #kinda went off the shits with patty there rip #i'm also like. not good with thoughts or with words so im sorry if this is underwhelming dgfhjsk

[jenniez-tv]

HIPEC surgery (warning - photos of my abdomen after surgery will be shown)

The night before surgery I was on clear liquids only.. that was hard when all my family members kept talking about food and dessert.. the stomach growl was real. Haha. I spent the night playing mahjong with my family up until I had to pack and get ready to leave the house. An all nighter. Weeee. I really didn’t care to sleep since I don’t usually sleep til the morning anyways and I would be sleeping a lot in the hospital so it was whatever.

My aunt, mom, and I leave to go to the hospital around 4am (super early). We arrive, I’m sent to preop to get ready and I am super nervous.. I realized I forgot to take my anti anxiety Med before leaving the house.. UGH. I ask the nurse if she can ask the doc to give me one while I’m waiting and she said the Anesthesologist can give me something when they are ready to wheel me to the OR. Like wtf? How is that helpful? Why would I need anxiety meds right before I go to sleep for the freaking surgery?!? I need it for the 2hrs of waiting!!! She didn’t even bother to ask! Ughhhh.. like why? She is supposed to be an advocate for me.. Was not happy with her.. then she told me to relax.. HAHA. Glad I won’t see her again. Rude.

Me waiting at preop

Anywho.. next thing I know I’m awake in PACU. I’m groggy and in pain.. and of course felt myself up all over my abdomen to make sure I didn’t get a ileostomy bag. Thank god I did not! I did have a jp drain though. The Dr said he removed the organs he planned on-the uterus, ovaries, omentum, gallbladder along with 3 small things he found in my abdomen. I have no idea where and how big they were. They don’t think they are tumors but the pathology results have not come back yet.. feels like forever waiting for results.. either way, im glad it was found and removed. (Update- the results came back benign! Negative for cancer!)

I’m moved to the ICU and get hooked up to so much equipment. I stayed in the ICU for 2.5days. I had 2 iv’s, an arterial line, Foley catheter, NG tube, JP drain and a wound vac. My throat hurt so damn bad.. every time I swallowed it hurt.. that NG tube fked up my throat. I was also a not allowed eat or drink anything for 2 days until they took it out. I could not wait! Post op day 1 was a killer for me. Just trying to sit up made me cry. They wanted me to walk down the hall while pushing the wheelchair. I literally looked like a old person who has the hump back and couldnt stand straight while walking. The poor nurses were pretty much holding my weight lol. Even helping me scoot up on the bed hurt. My family said my entire body and face was super swollen . I just pictured the scene in Willy wonka and the chocolate factory where that girl turned into a huge blueberry. 🤭 I think the most annoying part of ICU was when they kept giving me blood pressure medication and IV fluids to increase my blood pressure. I normally have low BP like 80-90/50-60 told everyone. Apparently the Med surg unit (Unit I would be at until I get discharged) doesn’t like BP’S under 90. I mean seriously, I can’t be the only one with normal low BP’s.. With all the fluids during and after surgery.. I was 15lbs heavier. Ahh! I know it’s all water weight but damn that’s a lot of water weight. They also gave me potassium and it was so uncomfortable on my veins. Anyone can tell you it hurts..even when it’s diluted. It fked up my veins where on The last night in the ICU I had to get one of my IV’s replaced because anything that went through it (even saline) hurt . It was hurting even if nothing was running.

Anyways, I get cleared and transfer up to the medsurg unit. I was actually feeling pretty good considering just having surgery. I get my NG tube removed and am allowed teeny bits of water/ice. FINALLY. My throat can now get better! By the time I transferred I was making laps around the unit. I also get my wound vac removed. It was so painful because I developed a lot of blisters on the edges of the tape from the wound vac. It looked pretty gross. (Picture below). When they removed it, all the blisters broke and they even rubbed over it pulling the skin off. Then, one of my ivs stopped working so it had to be taken out. Luckily this unit only requires one IV not two like the ICU so I didn’t need it replaced.

Picture of the blisters

Picture of my incision with the wound vac and the jp drain.

Picture of my incision and blisters after wound vac removed

The next morning is where everything went downhill. I got super nauseous and eventually threw up 900cc of bile. My temp was around 101 degrees, and eventually got up to 103. I also had other signs/symptoms that showed that I got septic to something. I had to be transferred back to the ICU. Because they were not 100% sure where the infection came from (they had 2 guesses) I got 2 antibiotics that would treat both areas. My white blood cell count also dropped dramatically to 0.98 and my anc 0.74. This means that I was very susceptible to getting more infections. People had to wear a mask when they come to my room and I had to wear one when I left the room. The good news is my fever went away pretty quickly and I started feeling better. My wbc kept going up and down... I’m hoping it keeps trending up because I cannot leave the hospital until my wbc goes up and becomes stable. EEP.

While I was back in the ICU I had to get a second iv placed.. so now I have had 4 iv’s so far not including the arterial line). I’m connected to all the machines again and it takes forever for me to get to the bathroom since they have to disconnect all the monitors and attach it to a portable one so they made me use a bedside commode instead. Bedside commode?!?! The thought is just gross. I’m peeing and pooping in a room with just a curtain blocking the view. What if someone walked in to talk to me in the middle of my session? It was so nerve wrecking. I’ve cleaned up patients bedside commodes before and it’s fine but now can say that I really understand why patients apologized all the time.

After another 2 days in the icu and being septic.. And another iv needing to be replaced bc it infiltrated.. (apparently my veins are mad weak from all the meds and chemo) (now iv #5) I am finally better to go back to the Med surg unit. I’m transferred back and it feels so nice to use abnormal bathroom again. I’m still only allowed clear fluid and honestly.. even that was hard to do. I had to drink a minimum of 800cc a day and it was a struggle. So many days of not eating and drinking screwed me up. Plus I kept having this underlying nausea that just wouldn’t go away. It turned out I had a small ileus as well- A complication that can happen from abdominal surgery.

Everyday I got blood drawn twice a day.. and lovenox which is a blood thinner to prevent blood clots. Prior to lovenox, they were giving me heparin (which is 3 times a day..). My body was full of bruises all over.

Picture of some of the bruises on my arms. I had a bunch on my thighs too..

Anywho, I’m finally allowed to eat.. and man that was more of a struggle than drinking.. I would take one or two bites and be done.. it didn’t help that the hospital food was completely disgusting.. even simple foods you think they can’t mess up on.. was just gross. I was asked by family what I felt like eating so they can bring it.. but honestly I had no appetite at all. Completely different from when I was on steroids and eating nonstop.. lol. But I tried.. hard.. to eat and drink enough. They wanted to start me on tpn which is the total nutrition through a central line.. and I was not about to have it. I gave a hard hell no.

I could barely sleep.. it just felt like my stomach was being pulled or stretched apart when I moved.. was woken up non stop for meds/ vitals.. when I was able to doze off.. my days pretty much consisted of eating, taking a couple laps around the unit, napping, and repeat. I was still getting some iv fluids to help keep me hydrated.. and of course.. another iv infiltrates.. and another iv had to get started... I had a total of 6iv’s and an arterial line.. it was utterly ridiculous.. I had no more places for ivs! And I freaking hate ivs and getting poked.. but that’s all I got during this stay.. so many I lost count.. sigh..

On and off during my stay but especially the last couple of days, I had severe lower right abdomenal pain that was sharp and jabby. I prevented me from moving at all.. it was downright horrible and worse than my incision.. no one knew what it was from but I guessed maybe the drain that was inside.. I got a ct scan done and it didn’t show anything there but the drain so I got it removed.. the pain immediately disappeared!! It was such a relief!! No pain meds helped at all.. not even the slightest.. so having that relief felt so good. The drain coming out though.. felt like so much pressure and it felt like the spot that hurt was getting pulled on. I swear that drain was stuck there or something.. it was a good amount in my stomach.. I didn’t realize how much of the drain just sat in there.. kinda gross. And yes, I watched the whole thing... hahah.

Another complication I have is that my left upper thigh is numb.. and has been numb.. it never got and still hasn’t gotten any better.. I thought it was the duramorph I got during surgery but after a week it seemed unlikely.. the dr says that it’s most likely because the retractor they used to hold my abdomen opened was pressed on my thigh nerve since I’m smaller than the average patient and dmged it from it being compressed for 8hrs.. he says it will take weeks to months for my leg to return to normal.. hopefully.. but that there is a chance it won’t.. god I hope it comes back. It feels so weird and annoying to have the top of my thigh permanently numb ...

Finally my wbc is stable and continuing to trend upward (although still low) and I’m allowed to go home.. I could not wait to see my babies (my dogs), my family, and just sleep in my own bed!!

Sorry, I know this post was all over the place... i wrote parts of it at different times.. which is why some seems present and some past tense.. and I’m honestly not in the mood to go and fix it all. I will post again how my recovery is going at home soon.

Thank you all for your love and support. ❤️

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Assessment Update (Trigger warning)

Firstly, I am sorry for only just getting around to writing and posting this, I have had another very busy/long day with (haircut plus bloods/ecg and then staying in town to run some errands etc).

Anyway, as you know, yesterday was my pre-admission assessment at the Priory with my consultant (12th June). I am not going to lie, it was very hard to go onto the ward and to be there in general/have the discussions, however I think it was a good thing overall/went a little better than I initially anticipated (?)

The journey there was anything but smooth. We ended up being nearly an hour late due to sink holes and diversions (thank god for dad and a mini mindfulness/breathing book I had with me!!)

Once I had arrived, I had a 20ish minute meeting with my consultant (who is also one of the consultants on the ward) - the EDP I see was meant to be there but she didn’t come in the end *rolls eyes*

She believes that I need a short admission to help push me in the right direction/get me going, and that overall the best place for me to be is in the community

She said that yes she could keep me in for 9 months, get me up to a healthy weight etc etc, but that she does not think it would be beneficial (which is refreshing to hear something that isn’t just focused on weight/numbers)

She agreed that I need to have autonomy. It needs to come from me, not just have things “done” to me. I have proven that I have been able to make some changes in the community in the past and get to better places, so I need to pull from that.

We are initially looking at a 6-8 week admission

With the main focus being on the second ward that they have where patients are in either “progression” or “transition”

Sadly due to my current physical health, I will have to spend a bit of time on the acute ward (if the admission happens), but she did say that we would try to keep it to as short a time as possible due to the environment on there and needing me to get more practical support which happens on the other ward. Although we have to be careful not to slip into old grooves of trying to do too much too soon/expecting too much of myself and putting on a front.

In terms of when there might be a bed, this is an issue, especially as EDU beds are so short at the moment…

She said that the next bed under her is likely not for another MONTH.

Yes, a month.

She said that she was quite worried about my current “frail” state and that there is really no wiggle room at all and that if I want to have an admission there then I need to be holding my own in the community in terms of my weight and bloods not dropping anymore.  

I didn’t post about this before but on Friday afternoon I had a phone call offering me a bed at a unit in London for Monday….I was given 20 minutes to decide whether to take it or not. As you can tell I turned down it down (after talking to a few people) and my parents agreed with my decision, especially with the meeting at the priory only a few days away.

My consultant obviously brought this up and we talked about it for a little bit but yeah it is what it is *shrugs*

After about 20 minutes she took me onto the acute ward and we met with the charge nurse who was able to talk to me a bit more about the ward, what things would be involved in an admission and what would be expected, as well as answering my many questions that I had noted down.

It made me feel quite sad when my consultant described me as having a “severe and enduring eating disorder (SEED)”. idk. reality checks like this really suck.

The admission on the acute side, like I mentioned, would be kept to a minimum, however it all depends on how I am coping and what the staff think is best for me.

She gave me a handout with the timetable on and we talked a bit about how things work on the ward, social outings, the groups etc. which there are a few of, not a huge amount/not very much OT but there are at least some trips out each week and visitors are allowed.

I also had a chance to talk about a number of my worries, including that I tend to put on a front and act the good girl/perfect patient and shut off from staff and not want to make a fuss. She couldn’t answer any questions about meal plans or increasing or stuff like that as it is apparently all done on an individual basis after an initial assessment with the dietitian on admission.

In general though the food is pretty similar to what it was when I was there 6 years ago; you do your menu/have to make choices every morning for the day ahead - one light meal and one main meal - you can choose to have your main at lunch or dinner, depending on what the choices are for the day (it is the same food for the rest of the hospital). You start eating in the upstairs kitchen on acute but then you move downstairs to the restaurant when you are on the full meal plan and managing well enough.

I’m not going to lie, it was very hard being on the ward. very hard. There were a lot of very unwell patients, a number with NG tubes…and, idk, I suppose it brought it home a little more how real it all is?? although at the same time I still feel incredibly numb/emotionless.

After speaking with the nurse for a while, I went over to the progression/transition ward where I was able to speak to someone who is being discharged soon, which was really helpful.

She was so lovely and showed me around the kitchen, talked about how the ward works, her bedroom, the rules, how her time has been etc.

It is similar to when I was there 6 years ago but with quite a lot more in terms of therapy/OT input as well self catering snacks and having your own cupboards for food, having the opportunity to bake with the OT, be more independent etc. (although kind of annoyed that apparently the internet is still terrible there and the lack of signal too - boo)

I am still waiting for the unit to send over the patient handbook they said that they would get to me, which is a bit annoying but I am still suffering from information overload tbh so it is probably a good thing.

It was A LOT to try to take in over a short space of time.

I am still trying to process the whole experience: being on the ward (which I did find quite triggering even for just that short period of time), the other patients, the programme, the opportunities, as well as the potential reality of me actually being admitted.

My consultant was honest with me and said that although I am ear marked for the bed in a month’s time, she cannot promise anything as you never know what happens.

In all honesty, if I was offered a bed there for next week I think I would take it…

However we are talking a month at the very least…

which is quite a long way away and it is really messing with my head and causing me quite a lot of mixed/messy thoughts

The programme itself looks/sounds A LOT better than what I experienced at the Bethlem last year, especially with the acute, progression and transition elements fully “up and running” (when I was there it was quite new) so in that sense is much better.

They also seem a lot more supportive in general/have made changes from when I was there last for the better (?)

To be totally honest I don’t know where this leaves me now. L (EDP) wasn’t there so I won’t see her/talk to her about where this leaves everything until next Monday.

However from our session this week i do know that this does not mean that I can sit and allow anorexia to dictate everything and keep me stuck. As L keeps reiterating to me, I have to be making changes.

It is not that I don’t want to get better, I have just gotten so bloody stuck and feel so trapped and alone.

That is one thing that would be helpful in terms of a short admission - it would hopefully be a push in the right direction that I could then maybe continue from at home in the community. and not to mention that it would also give my parents a bit of a break from everything.

In terms of therapy I dont think there would be any 1:1 due to the short period of time I would be there. Although she did say that the length of admission is always up for discussion and it would all depend on how my OP workers want to work and how I am managing on the ward/if I can transfer it home on leave.

idrk how to feel right now. Or how I do feel. It is all so overwhelming and a lot to try to take in

I don’t want to have an admission but evidence is piling up that staying in the community really isn’t working and every person in my team (as well as my parents) are convinced I will be going in :(

And I suppose that is all there is to say really. I am left feeling a little clearer in some ways but at the same time not so much? it’s messy

and I am beyond tired after two very long and exhausting/tiring days. I know I can’t sit around and wait to try to process everything that is happening but I feel like I really need to press a pause button for a while in order to catch up with myself (which I know is never going to happen)

as we all know, there will always be another excuse or reason to put things off. Another reason why we are ‘different’ to others or why there are other people who deserve support more.

But it is all noise from anorexia to try to keep us trapped and stuck for even longer.

I am so tired of this existence. the thought of another admission terrifies me but not as much as a life time spent trapped here.

I wish that I had a positive revelation to end this on but alas, I have nothing. All I want is my bed and a good night’s sleep right now and some magic answer to whisk this all away (if only eh?). Thank you for all your messages of support and kindness over the past few days, it has meant more than I can express to know that I have not been alone in this x

#personal #update #sorry for this long rant #I hope this covers most of it #I am exhausted #and dont even know how to feel right now #it is all too much to think about #or even try to begin to think about #i just want a hug #and someone to make it all better

[cancerouskelly-blog]

Well, I don’t know what to say...

When things are this broken, I don’t know what to say. I feel like Icarus, flying too close to the sun. I had been prepared to die. The Dying Girl was my identity. I told everyone else to fuck off, I told circles of close friends wisdom I made up because everyone listens to you when you’re dying, right? That sort of how it feels. But after awhile, I started to heal. My broken wreckage of a body started to walk upright once again. I started to feel hungry, to feel horny, to crave the warmth of the sun on my skin. I started dyeing my hair, and going to Riley’s basketball games where she cheered. I gained weight, I took my Keytruda infusion every three weeks, and I started to get better. My cancer disappeared. My doctor was optimistic. He told me I should stay on Keytruda for another couple of years and then they’d just keep watch by giving me PET scans every 6 months, like normal. I had achieved health. I’m not even sure how it happened. I just stopped being scared of dying. It was inevitable, right? So why be scared?

Then I wasn’t dying. Then health landed in my lap. It was truly a Christmas miracle. I was happy. I was in love. My life stretched out before me and I was going to be around to live it. I was going to watch Riley graduate, I was going to marry Sam. Not everything in my life had to be surrounded with this melodrama of “oh god, she’s dying.” I could just tell people to fuck off and mean it, right? When you lose that sense of urgency, that humane sense of longing that things can always be done better and again, you start to feel like the world’s mysteries are still vast but workable, you begin to think you may have a chance to figure it all out. When you’re dying, you shrink your world to the smallest it possibly can be. There’s no point in being the grenade that will wreck the lives of many. You keep your interactions brief, via text message, or some other such impersonal communication. You can almost feel yourself start to put your life into smaller and smaller boxes. Because when you die, there are some people who will have to live with your absence, there’s no fighting that. Riley, Sam, my parents, all of these people will see my absence in their lives. They’ll have to donate my clothes, and look at my photos, picture my face when I’m laughing or crying, listen for the sounds of my foot steps down the hall. My death will rip a huge hole in the fabric of their lives. But this isn’t something I have to sentence everyone to. When I was told that I was dying, I started systematically removing myself out of people’s lives. And for that, I’m sorry. Trust me, it isn’t you, its me. But it’s really you. I don’t want you to spend your time crying, aching for the familiarity of me in your life. If you haven’t seen me or spoken to me regularly, how will your life change when I die? Really? It won’t. That’s been the goal, at least, for me.

But then I got told that I was going to live. I reacted to this news with trepidation. Everyone around me celebrated. Hurrah! Kelly will live!! But I wasn’t ever so sure. I had been burned by remission before. I knew how fleeting health and disease can be. You can literally be healthy one second and then as sick as a dog the next. You could go in for a routine scan when you’re just starting to put your life back together, and they can tell you that you need surgery, like now. Then all of a sudden, you’re struggling to stand up, and get that nasty ng tube out, and hating the jailers er… nurses, who are refusing to let you just get out of there. I wanted a smoke and a drink. Fuck this surgery post op shit. But eventually I was wheeled home where I began to contemplate what poison they’ll serve me. I was almost grateful for the surgery because it gave me an excuse to wait a bit on the chemo. I have seen myself bald and skeletal, easily able to picture what my corpse would look like. I have seen myself tan and glowing, the picture of perfect health. But if you can believe it, I was sicker when I looked and felt great. Stage 4…. We get those moments of silence even in our chatrooms and subreddits. Here I am, stage 4, and no, there’s no stage 5. I know where this ends. So do you. So imagine my surprise when even my blasé doctor began to predict that my life may go on. I was ecstatic! I was going to live!!

It was a slap in the face when several months later (just a few weeks ago, in fact) I got another scan that showed that while the original tumors I had before the Keytruda are gone, there is in fact new tumors in my abdomen. So many that it is impossible to count. What does this mean? Well, I can tell you that my doctor told me with a straight face that I should just wait and get another scan in a few months. Maybe the tumors are shrinking, we don’t know. We have to compare them to a few more months on Keytruda. But I was betrayed by my own happiness. I had accepted that I was going to die, but then I was told I could live while I felt healthy. I should have known better. I should have at least considered this outcome, that it’s very like the Keytruda is no longer working, and that I will have a limited amount of time to find some clinical trial that will take me on so they can extend the misery of my days without extending the amount of them.

What I feel right now is angry. I’m angry that I ever let myself believe in a future. I’m angry at the Keytruda for doing its job just well enough to kill my tumors but not well enough to keep new ones from growing. I’m angry that my doctor simply shrugged his shoulders at me for 3 seconds in a crowded hallway and said, “well, we knew it would work, but we were never certain about how long this would work,” before walking away and left me standing there with my PET scan report in my fist, and my stomach dropping to my knees, as every single tiny bit of hope that I had strung on spiders silk strings from a halo of clear scans and my blasé doctor talking about the years ahead. I had cut away the doubt that should have kept me safe, should have provided something soft to land on the way it did when I was told that the chemo wasn’t working. I should have known better. I should have never allowed myself any hope at all. I should have looked at the statistics and known that while I wasn’t typical, I wasn’t any better. There’s no miracle drug in cancer. Just last month I found a magazine in my oncologists office about “How I Beat Unbeatable Cancer,” and picked it up for a read. It was a story about a sixty something year old getting on Keytruda and how it completely got rid of her cancer. She had been ready to die, but this miracle occurred and she was now going to live. I sat in that same waiting room earlier today, and picked up the very same magazine. I wanted to crush it, I wanted to throw it away, I wanted to rip it up piece by piece because who the fuck is this lady, and why does she get to live, but I don’t? I keep cycling through all of these emotions but I can’t say anything. That’s the worst part. My oncologist knows how bad it is, but won’t give me a straight answer either way. My mother has listened to his either/or premonition and decided that the better one is what will happen to me. That this will work. That I will not die. Sam too. How can he accept the answer that I’m going to die? He won’t accept it, and I get why.

But here I am, writing all of this out in bed while I try not to look my daughter in the eye because I can’t bear to tell her. I’m scared. I’m angry and I’m so fucking scared. The doctors aren’t listening to me, no one is listening to me. I’m going to die. I know this. Anyone who can google search can tell you, this is it. Its curtains. I’m not going to get a healthy reprieve again. And I hate myself most of all for wasting it. I wasted my health because I figured I’d have more of it. I let them give me less and less pain medication because I believed that if I just allowed myself to live in pain, that eventually I could see the right doctors who will fix me. But no one will touch me know. I’m the cancer girl, someone suffering from a disease for which there is no cure and they can’t even fucking palliate. It’s just so disheartening to not be able to reach out to your doctor and say, “please? Please, I’m suffering, why can’t you help me?” and it’s because he’s retiring in May, and can’t keep his head in the game.

I almost just want to end it all now. I’m so sick and tired of being in pain. I’m tired of waiting for the cancer to make it’s next move. I don’t want to die. I’ve seen the way cancer kills you and I sure as fuck do not want to do that. I hate the waiting, I hate the pain. Why won’t anyone help me? Why won’t any doctor help me?