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#source: my adopted son roasting the shit out of me
thehomothings · 2 years
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Kite: you need to let us adults take care of you when we can
Killua: dude you're 23 and gay. No one expects anything from you other than keeping yourself together.
Kite:.....
Killia: you're failing at that btw.
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gay-otlc · 2 years
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Flashback Recap
In case you've forgotten everything other than Sophitz, fear not, I am a reliable source of information
Sophie's trich is getting better! It took her four whole pages to pull out an eyelash, which might be a record.
Biana tackle hugs Sophie and they aggressively compliment one another's appearance. No homo
Speaking of homo, Fallon Vacker definitely dated Bronte at some point.
People always bring up Alina/Alden drama at the least convenient time and it embarrasses them both so much. This is fantastic.
Della can beat people up with ease and she is so hot (-livvy sonden, probably)
To avoid living with Alvar, Fitz considered moving in with Keefe. We were robbed, I tell you.
I SWEAR I'LL WRITE A FIC FOR THIS SOMEDAY
Fitz also considers moving in with Tiergan. The Keefitz option is undoubtedly better but I'd never say no to the "Tiergan adopts everyone" agenda
Sophie roasting the Neverseen is fantastic and something we all need more of.
A murderer wearing spandex called me out on my daddy issues. This is probably a low point in my life.
Umber probably has a personal connection to the Vacker family. No one else contributed a theory, so mine is that she was/is in love with Della.
Wylie attacked the Neverseen with rainbows. He is straightn't and probably cisn't.
SOPHIE CONSIDERS ELWIN FAMILY BRB HAVE TO GO CRY
"Tiergan and Prentice happily raised a child together. As bros do. No homo." -Shannon, 2018
Sandor made me feel emotions? Him blaming himself for Sophie getting hurt got to me okay-
Bronte has been in regular contact with Fintan and working with him for weeks... what are they "working" on... making out?
Grady needs a hug.
Keefe needs a hug, and also therapy, and KOTLC needs to not be for eight year olds.
POCKETS. That is all. Shannon definitely wrote the pockets monologue after getting pissed at the "pockets" in women's clothing.
Biana Vacker saying "I’m sick of being treated like I’m some broken doll because of what Vespera did- and you know that’s what you’ve been doing" supremacy.
Biana's stuffed yeti named Lady Sassyfur supremacy, also.
The Keefe and Elwin dynamic! Let's be real, they've been acting like father and son this whole series.
It's canonically a definite possibility that Keefe lets Fitz win at splotching. Their earlier book friendship is so sweet and I'm still not over losing that.
When Sophie expects Elwin to be the responsible adult and he just shrugs and grabs popcorn... they are a family... they deserve to be happy okay
The Ballad of Bo and Ro.
More Dadwin!
It may not be canon that Elwin and Livvy are besties but it's canon to me.
Livvy keeps a list of the top ten grossest things she’s done. Marrying Quinlin is on that list. Alden thinks Livvy has terrible taste and will marry Quinlin if ce doesn't want to. Quinlin is thrilled.
Keefe pretending he wasn't that worried about Fitz while nearly crying with relief... beloved...
After Cassius tore up Keefe's sketchbook, there was some Keefitz hurt/comfort, and I need to see this for science.
Forkle stop using gendered titles for the collective and kotlcrew, all of whom are clearly nonbinary, challenge. However he got nailed in the face with a pillow (Keefe saw) and that is punishment enough.
Elwin absolutely despises Cassius. We all need protective Dadwin in our lives.
Tiergan not giving a shit about the heterosexual drama part ???
Keefe is such a bi idiot, panicking when Fitz touches his head.
Gisela gave him the PERFECT opportunity to propose to Fitz, bi the way, and he didn't take it!!
All elves are nonbinary, confirmed once again
Tiergan is the epitome of the "how many kids do you have" "biologically, legally, or emotionally" meme. He has so many children emotionally it's hilarious.
Within like 2 seconds of meeting a traumatized queer child he's adopted them.
Forkle knows how to braid hair
FORKLE BRAIDED FINTAN'S HAIR
Tinker is Not Cis.
Sophie saying "They didn’t break me. They’ll never break me" supremacy. Same vibes as the Biana line.
Biana kicked Fitz in the shins.
Good for her!
(Not Fitz hate, we'd just all like to kick our siblings sometimes)
Considering how jealous Keefe is of Fitz being closer with Sophie than with him, I'm not sure Fitz is the one he's jealous of.
Villain Sophie foreshadowing? Villain Sophie foreshadowing.
✨fitz getting caught in the chandelier✨
The normalization of relying on one romantic partner for all of your emotional needs features a bit too prominently in this book for my liking. Kill amatonormativity please.
Protective older brother Wylie!
Biana telling Sophie "You look… really good," with those ellipsis. That is so loaded with suppressed lesbianism wtf-
Alvar doesn't remember Ruy :((((
Someone get Sophie some self esteem. Like. Now.
The day with the alicorns being born must have been so wild for Stina.
Also, the alicorn birth scene is pretty batshit.
It's Sophie’s right as a bisexual to insult the council whenever possible, particularly Alina
Keefe middle name angst!
Don’t think about the conversation where Fitz told Keefe he was dating Sophie :) :) :)
By which I mean think about it! Think about the Keefitz angst!
Vespera and Luzia are exes.
Fintan and Forkle are also exes.
I want more Fintan backstory tbh. Which definitely involves dating Forkle. Also dating literally everyone else the man gets around-
According to him, Fintan has no flaws other than being a fucking drama queen.
He also knows Caprise? Apparently? And I would like details.
Someone who is not Fintan was the one to start the Neverseen.
Fintan is very funny someone calls him out for murder and he just shrugs.
Vespera was, and I quote, “fixated on Luzia Vacker.”
FINTAN AND MARELLA RELATIONSHIP it lives rent free in my head
I will shut up about Fintan now.
In my defense his scene is pretty interesting.
Somehow, Sophie is unaware of Luzia and Vespera's past relationship. Luzia is not at all subtle, so I don't know how she hasn't connected the dots.
Marelliana 🧡
Marella struggling with her power is the best concept ever 10/10 I need more content for this despite having already written two fics about it.
I need Wylie as an older brother. We all need Wylie as an older brother. That is all.
Fitz is jealous of Keefe's relationship to Sophie... and Keefe isn't the one he's jealous of...
Fitz yeeting the alvar-tracker-device is both hilarious and a terrible decision, really.
OH SHIT (keefitz argument)
Queen shit from Biana Vacker (going off at Vespera. as she should)
Fuck Alvar (-ruy ignis, probably)
"Yes, Luzia says many things, does she not? It gets very hard to determine when she is fooling you and when she is fooling herself" okay Vespera we know you're in love and she broke your heart you can stop villain monologuing
Tam being stunned by succeeding at shadow shit but immediately pretending he knew what he was doing all along is so funny.
Fitz and Alvar is a realistic sibling depiction. Who among us hasn't attempted to murder their sibling honestly?
Hehe this is the last time Tam and Linh see each other for a while- they hug and she tells him to be careful- and then there he goes!
We were robbed of getting to see the rest of Tam's family react to this. It's on the list of fics you might see sometime in the vague future.
Sophiana angst
Thinking about dating Fitz makes Sophie pull at her eyelashes... that's... not great honestly.
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MK OC Randomness part 8... I think. Fuck it! We're going with it!
Welcome back to the shit show. Let's go!
also some of these jokes are from lamas with hats
Qiao Fu is my name for the Lin Kuei Grandmaster
Also some of these jokes are based off skits done by Moonkitti on YouTube. Just re-worded a bit
Nozomi: Hey uncle Shinnok! Do your old man voice!
Shinnok, in his normal voice: What old man voice?
Nozomi: Yeah! That one!
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Nozomi: ooh who's this?
Qiao Fu: That's my old wife.
Nozomi: The one who died long ago?
Qiao Fu: The very same
Nozomi: *eyeing the picture* That's too bad. She looks really cute.
Qiao Fu: I'm sorry, do you find my old wife attractive?
Nozomi: Do you not!?
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Nozomi: I wanna see my little boy!
Shang Tsung: *helping Meat walk* Here he comes!
Nozomi: *scooping Meat up and hugging him* I wanna see my little boy!
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"Revenant" Reiki: WHY WOULD YOU THINK ANY OF THIS IS A GOOD IDEA!?
"Revenant" Michiko: Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.
"Rev" Reiki: Oh.
"Rev" Michiko: I don't understand how you keep forgetting that.
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Shinnok: Shh, do you hear that?
Shinnok: That's the sound of forgiveness.
Melantha: That's the sound of people dying dad!
Shinnok: That is what forgiveness sounds like. Screaming and then silence.
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Shariah: How did you even do this!?
Meat: A dollop of fairy dust!
Shariah: Meat!
Meat: I ripped the tag off a mattress.
Shariah: This isn't funny Meat!
Meat: Who's laughing? Clearly not all the people that just exploded.
Shariah: I'm leaving! I've had enough of this!
Meat: But thank of all the perfectly roasted faces we get to munch on now.
Shariah: What? Why?
Meat: Because we're friends. And friendship is two pals munching on well cooked faces together.
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"The bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in Hell! And yet, here you are limbo dancing with the devil!"- Melantha to Hotaru at a family dinner.
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"Oh no. There are consequences to your actions? Who would've thought?" Krow to Raiden and Flamus, still pissed at them for completely destroying a village that housed the remaining nymphs and nymphlims their husband made.
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Nozomi: I'm just here to collect Michiko
Qiao Fu: *tries to stab her*
Nozomi: YOU'RE AN UNFIT FATHER FU! THAT'S NOT EVEN YOUR DAUGHTER! YOU HAVE A HUMAN CHILD! WHO THE FUCK'S DEMON CHILD IS THAT! WHO ARE YOU STEALING CHILDREN FROM!?
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Michiko: You are not my father!
Qiao Fu: Bring proof you are not my daughter!
Meixiu's ghost in the background: Bitch! You literally murdered her birth father!
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Nyx: Get out
Reiko: Aww come on. Can't I check in on my favorite little sister?
Nyx: If you don't leave me my room Reiko, I will stab you. And when I do it won't look pretty.
Reiko: there's a pretty way to stab people? Like with a butterfly knife or something?
Nyx: yup. Handle and all.
Reiko: oh... OH!
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Nemos: Greetings Thunder God!
Raiden: Eh? Nemos what are you doing here?
Nemos: I'm taking advantage of your guilt-ridden personality to get a head start on being a better realm protector while no one is looking.
Raiden: Nope. New timeline, new Raiden. Go- Go play with your sisters.
Nemos: I'll have you know I've lived 15 lives in which I've played with my sisters, and none of them have been consequential!
Raiden: *sighs* I'm trying to take you seriously. Really. But it just feels like an even smaller Shinnok is yelling at me right now.
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Hotaru: *busting into the Sky Temple and picking up Nemos* My beautiful son, I am back from my epic battle of driving out the rebels!
Nemos: Tell me, man who sired me!
Hotaru: We were fighting when suddenly Soldier B produced a substance that burned through their skin!
Nozomi: That sounds like my poison...
Hotaru: Oh no! We'd never poison anyone. Only ambush them in the middle of the night, kill them through physical violence, and intimidate them in other wise orderly court proceedings. Poison is bad.
Nozomi: Have you considered maybe, asking him if he poisoned them?
Hotaru: Oh no, I trust him completely.
Melantha: *holding Discordia and Harmonia* But, what if he did?
Hotaru: *small whimper before glaring and shouting* Solider B! Come here and apologize to my wife for making her think about things immediately!
Solider B: Hi, what?
Hotaru: I said apologize to Melantha!
Solider B: Uh yeah, sorry for poisoning the rebels or something..
Melantha: Hey, has anyone seen Nemos?
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Darrius: It seems one of the soldiers has summoned Melantha to their side.
Hotaru: *spying on the rebels* Gonna go see Melantha. I'm gonna see Melantha at the meeting. Gonna see Melantha. Melantha.
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OB: I made a perfectly good Titan
Fuyuka: You fucked up my daughter is what you did!
Fuyuka: Look at her! She's traumatized!
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Amara: Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.
Leila: I think you mean cards.
Amara, pulling knives out of her sleeves: No, I do not.
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Ermac: Bad things keep happening to us, like we have bad luck or something.
Zyta: Ermac, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.
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Zyta: You love me, right, Ermac?
Ermac: Normally, we’d say yes without hesitation, but we feel like this is going somewhere and we don’t like it.
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Kristy: *steps on her glasses by accident*
Kristy: *inhales* If I knew that this would be the fate that befalls me and these damned glasses, I would've just let the fire reach my left eye and burn it out completely!
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Megumi: I turned out perfectly fine!
Ayeka: Megumi, this morning you thought a ghost made your toast
Megumi: I DIDN’T PUT THE BREAD IN! YOU DIDN’T PUT THE BREAD IN!!!
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Zyta: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween! It's terrible for the environment!
Philomela: Yeah! Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly!
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Discordia, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him
Harmonia: You did WHAT–
Nemos: William Snakepeare
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Discordia: Hey Harmonia,
Harmonia: Yes?
Discordia: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?
Harmonia:
Harmonia: Where’s Nemos?
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Discordia: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.
Harmonia: Discordia no.
Nemos: Mistlefoe.
Harmonia: Please stop encouraging her.
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Store Worker: Would a Ms. Philomela please come to the front desk?
Philomela, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?
Store Worker: *points to Amara and Zyta*
Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?
Amara and Zyta, simultaneously: We got lost :(
Philomela: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me-
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Erron, driving Ash and Kamden: So how was your day?
Ash: We almost got surprise adopted!
Erron: What?
Kamden: We almost got kidnapped.
Erron: Oh, okay.
Erron: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!
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Nozomi: Welcome, fellow idiots
Kung Lao: Hello, Nozomi
Nozomi: No, no, not you, you're not an idiot
Kung Lao: You underestimate me
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Nozomi: What are your goals?
Kung Lao: To pet all the dogs.
Nozomi: No, fitness goals.
Kung Lao: To be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs.
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Liu Kang: You know, not every problem can be solved with a sword.
Nozomi: That's why I carry two swords.
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Sareena: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea we’ve had. Michiko's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can’t get her out...
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Sareena: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?
Michiko: You mean literally or figuratively?
Sareena: Honestly, the fact that I have to specify...
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Sareena: Michiko... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?
Michiko: Your text told me to Satanize the house before you returned.
Sareena:
Sareena: I wrote sanitize, Michiko.
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Sareena: You kill people for money?!
Michiko: I can explain!
Sareena: And all this time I’ve been doing it for free like a chump!
@deepinthefog @merplderpl @yuvononik @dontunderestimatemypoison @feistyfandomthings @toomanyf4ndoms7 @daddydestrey @tora-lotus @calcium1790 @starneko123 @dinogoofy @bar10du @cyberbloodgoddess
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Tagged by @mignon19001
Tagging: whoever wants to
1: Favorite Movie? Romancing the Stone 

2: Favorite Comedy Movie? Pretty in Pink
3: Favorite Romance Movie?
 A Perfect Ending
4: Favorite Adventure Movie? 
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
5: Favorite Action Movie? Return of the Jedi

6: Favorite Thriller/Scary Movie? I’m not a fan of them. I see too much horror every day in real life. But if I had to pick one: Elvira Mistress of the Dark
7: Favorite Movie Director? Jerry Bruckheimer
8: Favorite Book/Novel? Profiles in Courage, by JFK. Dreams of My Father, by President Obama is really good too.

9: Favorite Author? I love a good biography or autobiography, so anyone who’s done something worth writing about.
There is no 10. I don’t know why there is no 10 :p
11: Favorite Actor/Actress? Frank Langella/Jessica Lange
12: Favorite Hero/Villain? Hero: Batman; he gets all the cool gadget shit. Villain: Catwoman: one of my spirit animals ;) 
13: Favorite Fruit/Vegetable? Fruit: Watermelon and pineapple. Vegetable: Eh, not crazy about a lot of them, but whatever roasted veggies my sister puts in casseroles come out really good.
14: Favorite Ice Cream? I can’t pick between Boom-Chocolata and Everything But, both Ben & Jerry’s
15: Favorite Candy? Reeses peanut butter cups with the Reeses pieces inside
16: Favorite Restaurant? In WPB or Portland: any seafood restaurant there is amazing. In D.C.: Old Ebbit Grill
17: Favorite Article of Clothing? This jacket and everything else here along with it
18: Favorite Hair Color? Blonde 
19: Favorite Eye Color? Blue

20: Favorite Person? My sister, @normalouisebatesrp
21: Favorite Website? Used to be snopes.com but lately it’s urbandictionary.com Thanks @mignon19001
22: Favorite Song? I have to pick ONE?! Damn…okay, let’s go with: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRkhg51Ebj8
I’ve sung it too. She sings it better than me. And she sure as hell sings it way better than KISS! lol I stand by that.
23: Favorite Artist? Marina Abromovich
24: Favorite Body Part? Eyes
25: Favorite Game? Guitar Hero or Dance Dance Revolution.

26: Favorite Board Game? Life
27: Favorite Food? Snow crab legs and lobster tail, with plenty of melted butter.

28: Favorite TV Show? Seinfeld, and also Shameless, lately.
29: Favorite Sport/Team in that sport? Basketball/OSU Buckeyes 

30: Favorite Year? 1988

31: Favorite School Subject? In middle- and high school: Swim team, softball, and basketball practice. In college: abnormal psychology and forensics

32: Favorite Car? 1983 Delorean
33: Favorite Hobby? The firing range
34: Favorite Music Genre? 1970s and 1980s pop/rock
35: Favorite State? Tie between Maryland and Virginia surrounding Washington, D.C.
36: Favorite City? The District of Columbia
37: Favorite Drink? Diet Pepsi

38: Favorite Holiday? Christmas
39: Favorite Type of Dog? German Shepherd
40: Favorite Type of Cat? The kind with short hair that don’t shed as much. Plus they’re just cuter, to me.
41: Favorite Number? 69
42: Favorite Letter? I like my initials for whatever reason: ECS
43: Favorite Day Of The Week? Saturday

44: Favorite Cereal? Count Chochula
45: Favorite Technological Device? iPhone
46: Favorite Cookie? Snickerdoodle. Chocolate chip’s a close second.

47: Favorite College? My alma mater, of course: The Ohio State University. Go Buckeyes!
48: Favorite Obsession? Dragging criminal scum to justice.
49: Favorite Nickname? Ems, given to me by @leather-lover-massett
50: Favorite Religion? I’m an agnostic. Organized religion is the root of too much death and evil in the world.
51: Favorite Quote? “If you have the ability to do something about it, you have the responsibility to do something about it.” -my adoptive dad
52: Favorite Store? Bass Pro Shops, H&M, and Harley-Davidson. 
53: Favorite Shampoo? Redkin but that shit’s pricy, so I usually use Aussie.
54: Favorite Perfume/Cologne? Perfume: roses or jasmine. Cologne: anything spicy
55: Favorite Country? USA
56: Favorite Cartoon? Thundercats and Scooby Doo
57: Favorite Magazine? Rolling Stone, American Iron, In Style, and Psychology Today
58: Favorite Height? Men: between 5′10″ (same as me) and 6 feet. Women: I’m not that particular ;)

59: Favorite Weight? Lean-to-athletic, on either sex
60: Favorite Season? Fall 

61: Favorite Ringtone? The theme from the original Superman movie.
62: Favorite Trait? Charisma. This can have bad OR good outcomes.
63: Favorite Memory? Grabbing my sister’s hand and helping her up to her feet, while we were both blood-splattered (not ours) It was the first time we ever came face to face. 
64: Favorite Electronics Brand? Apple 

65: Favorite Program On Your Computer? 
Magic Lantern surveillance software: available to the FBI, not the general public. 

66: Favorite Place? There’s something about my bio-family’s old weather-beaten house on that hill, makes it feel more like home than anywhere..
67: Favorite Music Video? Dorky but relatable to this 80s teenager:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A&list=RDPIb6AZdTr-A&t=1
68: Favorite Scent? Clean linen and leather.
69: Favorite Episode? Of which series? I like a lot of them, bruh.
70: Favorite Breakfast? 
The Walk of Shame Breakfast Burrito with a side of fruit at Ted’s Bulletin
71: Favorite Lunch? Local Diver Scallops with a side of seasoned fries at Range
72: Favorite Dinner? Three Sliders at Mother’s Bistro & Bar in Portland
73: Favorite Flag? USA
74: Favorite Painting? The Son of Man by Rene Magritte

75: Favorite Object? My FBI badge

76: Favorite School? Ohio State University (alma mater) and the FBI Academy.
77: Favorite Cartoon Figure? Any of The Misfits from Jem and the Holograms. They were always much higher on the feminist-badass scale: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBZwMzLkHAk&index=37&list=PLjNvMXjX–BoQMTNMtVA0l4s2eCXArHIa
78: Favorite Accomplishment?
 Graduated second in my class from the FBI Academy.
79: Favorite Outside Activity? Motorcycle riding
80: Favorite Inside Activity? It involves a new playmate, and it’s not your business other than that. 

81: Favorite Mood? Satisfaction. This can be from a lot of different sources.

82: Favorite Type Of Hat? military/hipster captain style

83: Favorite Shoe Brand? Micheal Antonio for dressy heels (if I’ve gotta wear them, might as well wear sexy ones), Converse for tennis shoes

84: Favorite Day Of The Year? October 11-12th, The night/morning I first met the first of my birth family, totally serendipitous.

85: Favorite Mammal? dogs and horses 

86: Favorite Reptile? turtle
87: Favorite Bug? The only good bug’s a dead one imo.  

88: Favorite Type Of Bird? Bald eagle
89: Favorite Amphibian? Never thought about it. 

90: Favorite Type Of Fish? I love watching “Shark Week” Does that count?

91: Favorite Day Of All Time? June 13,1984. First time I sang in front of an audience (at a wedding) and the first time I secretly got buzzed on champagne. I was 15.

92: Favorite President? Barack Obama 

93: Favorite Idol? Patti Smyth
94: Favorite Talk Show? The View

95: Favorite Hairstyle: I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of them, and as long as it’s not bleached: I’m open to new ideas.
96: Favorite Decade? 80’s 

97: Favorite Animal? I love dogs.

98: Favorite Video Game: Asteroids. The original arcade one. 
99: Favorite Park? The National Mall in D.C.
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