#specially because she’s a social butterfly & i’m the one who has social anxiety lol but it was always reassuring to have her by my side | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #360

“we are the ones that wanna play / always wanna go, but you never wanna stay”

"Crawling" or "In The End?" I want to say "Crawling," but I really can't be sure. Both are bomb. Is your window open? No. Monsters Inc. or Shrek? Shrek, my man. What did you last hear that made your jaw drop? Jason's mom died. What is the longest shower or bath you have ever taken? I remember as kids, Nicole and I would sometimes play 'til Mom made us finish because the water was cold by then. As an adult, idk about my longest shower. Do you have a preference of chocolate? Yeah, milk chocolate. Is there anyone you’d like to hug right now? Yeah. Could you ever picture someone writing a biography about you? Definitely not. Do you have a clock in your room? No. Do you shut off the computer when you’re done using it? No, I just close it. Do you usually catch a cold during the winter? No. I just about never get sick. Are you a good multi-tasker? NOOOOOOOOOOO. Do you know any deaf people? If so, is it easy or difficult to have conversations with them? No. Is there a door knocker on your front door? No. Were you ever into Pokémon? Bitch I still am. Do you drink a lot of water? Sigh, no. I'm definitely better than I used to be, though; once upon a time, I literally never drank it unless I was extremely hot and dehydrated. Nowadays, it's usually after I finish my soda for the day that I then only drink water, normally around one full tall cup of it. Do you like fireworks? They're beautiful, but I'm personally against them out of respect for veterans suffering from PTSD as well as animals, because I'm not exactly interested in traumatizing them, either. Is respect given or earned with you? It's given, the way I think it should be. Are you “in the closet” about anything? No. Are you missing any teeth? No. Do you like scrapbooking? I've never gotten into it and am not really interested in doing so. What was or will be your first tattoo? It's a semicolon butterfly on my right wrist. Sometimes I've thought about getting it covered with a cooler design but the same concept; it was literally from Google, and I'm very much not into "sharing" tattoo designs with probably thousands of other people. But, I still think it really is cute, and it's just very special to me as my first, so idk. Do you have any tattoos dedicated to someone special? I have one written in Sara's handwriting inside a heart, and my "ohana" tattoo that I am 100% getting covered was dedicated to my former best friend Colleen. I've talked before about why "ohana" has never really resonated with me, and I just don't like it anymore at all. Thank God it's small. Do you like ghost stories? Oh HELL yeah, lay 'em on me. What was your favorite movie as a kid? The Lion King. Some things never change, ha. Do you own a lot of cookbooks? Mom has looooots, but never uses any. I think her mom gave them to her, so she just keeps 'em. What’s your father’s handwriting like? It looks like every other man's handwriting I've ever seen lol. All the letters are capitalized. Did you wash your hair last time you showered? I wash my hair every time I shower. I have to with it naturally being so oily. What does your shampoo smell like? Coconut. Do you listen to Guns N' Roses? Not a lot, but yeah. They've got some bangers. I actually want "Sweet Child O' Mine" to be the father/daughter dance at my wedding. Have you ever been a bridesmaid? Yeah, at my sister's wedding. What was the last video game that you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 a long time ago. Have you ever hyperventilated? Yep. Do you talk in your sleep? I scream in my sleep. Nightmares/terrors are a blast. Whose house did you last sleep over? Sara's. Have you ever been cut by scissors? No. Do you like peaches? It's odd, I like canned sliced peaches, but the actual, full fruit, I don't. I love peach flavored juice, though. Do you enjoy being surrounded by neighbors, or would you be more comfortable someplace secluded? Take me back to the middle of nowhere, please. I'm really not digging being in an actual neighborhood. Is there any sibling rivalry between you and your siblings, if you have any? Not at all. Do you usually root for the good guys or the bad guys? Ha, the baddies... Are you allowed to have pets at your house? We're allowed to have what we currently own and then maybe one dog if Mom finally finds one. Have you ever lived in a trailer park? No. Is there anyone that you know through the internet that you would feel comfortable meeting in person? There's quite a few, actually! Have you ever had a dream involving characters from a game/movie/television show? Yeah. What’s the last thing you wrote down? My signature, I think? Do you remember any phone numbers from years ago that now belong to someone you don’t know? No. Have you ever found something strange in your mailbox? No. Who was the last relative that came to visit you? My half-sister and her husband. Does your bedding all match? Not currently. Are you more comfortable with having short hair or long hair? SHORT. Are you interested in fantasy movies/shows? That's my preference. Have you ever gone whale-watching? No, but that'd be dope. What is something that you have a large amount of? Meerkat plushies. Who is it that you’re in love with? Nobody. Have you ever gotten love and infatuation confused? No. Do you have a steady income? No. Do you take your medications in the morning or at night? Both. Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? No, I wish. :( Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk? MILK. I don't eat it with water. When was the last time you ran into someone that you didn’t want to see? Idk. Have you ever tried vlogging, and if yes, did you stick with it? Noooo, I'm completely disinterested in doing that myself. If you go to church, what is your favorite thing about it? I don't go. Even as a kid when Mom made me, I hated it. ^and what is your least favorite thing about it? N/A What do you do for exercise? I don't. .-. I want a pool SO badly to swim and strengthen my legs without having to worry about sweating or collapsing, though. Mom says we don't have space, but we definitely do. Not a lot, but enough. Do you have a birthmark? If yes, what color is it? Yeah, it's just a bit darker than the rest of my skin. Do you need to lose weight? Yes. My sister, Mom, and I very recently started a Weight Watchers subscription and we're all working our asses off to stick to it. Ash has already lost like, 12 pounds (she started before Mom and me), so I'm kinda hopeful. Have you ever had a cat? Growing up, after we took in a stray female, we ended up with a fucking empire of cats, literally around three dozen, I'd say. They were all outdoors, too, and not fixed because we couldn't afford it, so tomcats would come around and, y'know, make matters worse. Eventually, animal control took them all and I was DEVASTATED, but looking back, I understand it was necessary. Anyway, I have one cat now. Indoors and fixed and the prince of my world, haha. Have you ever had a dog? We've had a few. I was born with my dad having a collie named Trigger, but I don't remember her at all; she died of old age I believe when I was very young. Then we briefly had a pup named Angel, but she died due to that disease some puppies just have. We didn't get another dog until Teddy, who was my Christmas present, and he was put to sleep only last year, rest my baby's soul. We also had Dale, Cali, Delilah, and Bentley. Have you ever any other kind of animal? A LOT. I'm probably going to forget some, but we've had hamsters, rats, snakes, fish, a turtle, two lizards, gerbils, guinea pigs... just a lot. Animals have always been very important in my life. Have you ever had a pet rock? HA, yeah. I didn't take it seriously at all, but I had one. When was the last time you painted something? Not since my Painting course in my final college attempt. Do you have any disabilities? Not in the traditional sense, no. My social anxiety though is at such a severity that it majorly infringes upon my ability to do a LOT of things, though. What are five of your favorite stores at the mall? I couldn't name five. Just Hot Topic and Spencer's, really. What season do you want to get married in? AUTUMN. The actual dream situation would be to get married in the snow in a black dress, like can you IMAGINE the pictures, but realistically, it'd be in the fall to avoid the biting cold. Has anyone ever spread lies about you? Yeah. Anything special planned for today? Nope. Blue or green? Blue. How much older/younger than you was the person you lost your virginity to? He's two years older than me. Do you still care for that person? Very much. Can you completely annihilate the first Mario game in less than an hour? I haven't even played the first game. I've never really been into the games to begin with. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes! I was OOOOOBSESSEEEEEED as a kid. I would usually play it after school when my mom was an assistant teacher and was finishing up her work for the day. Have you ever contemplated climbing a water tower? Uh, no. Those kind of people got some wanderlust levels that I ain't got, haha. If you have a Facebook, when was the last time you changed your profile picture? It's been a few months. Would you ever marry someone who was lower class? Um, yes? You can deny it all you want, but answering "no" is pretty much the same as saying you'd marry for money. Is there a guy you wish you hadn’t let slip away? ugh Which do you prefer: English or math? English, by light years. Who is a singer that has given you chills? David Draiman's voice in the Disturbed cover of "Sound of Silence" is fucking haunting. Greatest cover of all time. Do you watch America’s Got Talent? I did when Sharon was a judge. Do you think you could win America’s Got Talent? Hell no. What act would you perform in a talent show? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Have you ever practiced yoga? Yes. I used to be BANGIN at it. What is your favorite thing to buy at the Farmer’s Market? Fruit! Do you get carsickness? No. What color is the rim of your full-length mirror? Black. What is your state’s bird (if you live in the US)? Cardinal. Which style of wedding dress is your favorite? I'm a sucker for ballgown dresses. Do you enjoy editing videos? I used to love it, for many many years. Now, I just don't have the dedication or motivation to. Do you enjoy editing photos? Yes. If you gave birth, do you think you would want it filmed? Um, absolutely not. I would have NO desire to look back on me shrieking my lungs out and essentially dying. I handle abdominal pain very poorly, so I've got a goooood feeling that if I actually wanted to have kids, I'd be that woman screeching like a banshee.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''aerials'' by system of a down

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intpatypical · 7 years

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ISTJ, INFP, ESTJ, INFJ, ENFP

ISTJ

The main ISTJ characters in my life are my mom and an ex friend from high school, plus some colleagues and acquaintances from university. I’m a regular reader of @ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is, but I don’t know her personally. As it happens with most strong Te-users, I get along better with them if they are women. Since I grew up with a Si-dom mother and our relationship is very good, I usually get along with Si-doms unless they are particularly immature. We tend to like the same kind of environment and share a common approach to the use of resources; I never get exhausted with Si-doms, if that makes sense.

As first impressions go, the ISTJs I know irl are very nice and proper people, probably a little blunt, literal and to the point; they’re typically well-mannered people who err on the side of honesty.

Positives I associate with ISTJs are: 1) They’re extremely realistic. If you want an accurate assessment of what’s happening, you should go to them. They are keen observers, they amass a huge amount of details for the sake of it while other people are skimming, and they don’t get lost in speculations, what-ifs and wishful thinking. If you want “just the facts”, they have all of them. As a high Ne user, sometimes I miss parts of what’s happening because I drift away mentally, and I have trouble separating facts from hypotheses, which results in anxiety and indecision. Consulting ISTJs helps me thinking better. 2) They’re materialistic in a good way. They know how to live life comfortably, and they have a healthy relationship with things, money and the body, unlike other people who ignore them or make them something abstract, like status-symbols or outlets for frustrations or sources of fear. 3) They know how to make things live long and prosper. Whatever they take up, it develops and leaves a legacy, though they often don’t realize this because they’re improvement junkies and critical of themselves and other people. As my sister said once, “ISTJs will outlive us all, with their relentless pedantry” lol.

Some negatives are: 1) Immature ISTJs can be conformists. They take anything different from the norm as a narcissistic statement and a failure to adapt, which I find unfair. 2) Sometimes ISTJs get stuck in routine and hinder their own development as people, gradually becoming bitter and depressed. While other people would notice they’re in a rut and try anything new to break the cycle, ISTJs have a harder time noticing when their bad mood is due to a lack of stimuli. Their boredom safety valve is broken, so to speak. 3) Under stress, they become worrywarts and fall prey of Dark Ne; their Dark Ne interacts with my Dark Ne and soon we all disappear in a gaping abyss of doom.

Strange as it seems given the stereotypes, I like going out and having fun with ISTJs and Si-doms in general, because they tend to go for the comfortable option rather than for the extreme one; this is not to say that they can’t dance the night away (they can be relentless in that, too) but my experience is that when you go out with Si-doms you’re likely to have a relaxing time rather than a wild night out. I’m a couch potato, so I appreciate this.

INFP

I’m pretty sure one of my school friends is INFP, and my sister’s boyfriend is textbook INFP. I’ve met several INFPs online; among the ones I follow on tumblr, there are @dragonflymage and @infpadvice.There aren’t many INFPs in my life, but the ones who are, I know them quite well. I often say INFPs come into two subtypes: the Sturm und Drang subtype and the Flowers and Butterflies subtype. I tend to get along better with the Sturm und Drang INFPs, though the general opinion online seems to be they are insufferable crybabies. Many of the stereotypes about INFPs are unfair and it’s safe to say it’s one of my “favorite” types to interact with irl, since their idealistic worldview is something I respect and value and they tend to be people with a lot of interests and an openminded, accepting attitude.

My first impression of the INFPs I met irl has been “airhead” (which is quite hypocritical coming from me, but still… I feel like Fi airhead is an upgraded version of Ti airhead) or even “attention whore” because my INFP friend happened to throw an epic emotional tantrum a few days after I met her and, being a very young Ti-dom, at the time I assumed tantrums were always contrived and attention-seeking (which, as I know now, is not always the case).

Positives I associate with INFPs: 1) They are always, sometimes doggedly, themselves. No matter what you throw at them, if they feel like something is not authentic to what they are or worse immoral, they can’t be persuaded to do it, even when it’s the most appropriate/advantageous thing to do. This is a controversial quality, but I’m persuaded society needs people like that to be remembered that not everything can be bought or coerced, however kindly. 2) They are creative; I’ve never met an INFP who wasn’t creative, even just in his/her unorthodox point of view. One of the INFPs in my life is a talented musician and when he works on his creations or gets busy playing he is the most practical and professional person in the world; there is this misconception around that INFPs are fluffy-bunny artists, but in reality, they are EITHER in fluffy-bunny mode OR in artist mode, and when they’re doing their life work they do it with Nazi rigor. 3) Though I don’t agree with the “crybaby” stereotype, the INFPs I know do have deep and nuanced emotions and a special reactivity to events. It’s like people who see colors better than others, but with feelings. I appreciate that, because when they express the results of all these reactions and introspections, they have more insight than the average person.

Negatives I associate with INFPs: 1) Sometimes they mistake what they feel for what is going on in reality, or base all their decisions on what they feel is right without taking into account real-life consequences, which can be very contradictory of their intent. 2) They’re touchy and insidious, because they don’t express anger or blow up at very small stimuli only they can discern. Beware of the Fi-dom subterranean butthurt; I’m convinced the death toll is higher than firedamp’s. 3) Epic sloppiness and distraction around anything that isn’t the central focus of their interests.Their Te is very all or nothing and they tend to be unrepentant around their disorganization.

As for what I want to do with INFPs… a writing project! Of course not all INFPs are writers, but I love their creative work process and I’d like to collaborate in some artistic endeavor; though we’d probably need some J people to keep us in check.

ESTJ

Strangely enough, I don’t know any ESTJ aside from a few acquaintances I’m not regularly in touch with. I’m ready to get to know people of any type, so I can perfect my theories about the world and everything, ESTJs included.My general impressions about ESTJs is that they would be the kind of people I squabble a lot with in the beginning, but we would come to appreciate each other in time. But again, since I don’t know any ESTJ this is all theory.

INFJ

I’ve met two INFJs irl and two are online friends, though I’m no longer regularly in touch with one of them. I follow @infjravenclaw, @infjdoodles, @mbti-notes on tumblr, among others. I can’t say I know INFJs enough to define what kind of relationship I have with them. One of my INFJ online friends is a good friend and a person I love having conversation with, but she is pretty different from other INFJs I’ve met, so I failed to develop a general idea of the type and the dynamic I have with the type. Other INFJs I met were less open, they had a more evident social facade, the context where I met them wasn’t ideal to get to know them better or they were much older. When I first met INFJs, they typically strike me as polite, soft-spoken and very civil. One of my INFJ work acquaintances is pretty much Perfect Liberal but Ambitious girl: well-dressed, firm but kind, intuitive, intelligent, slightly patronizing. If you stay with them long enough they reveal a wacky side: weird Ni theories about people, sudden flashes of sharpness or sarcasm, impulsivity/spontaneity under stress.

Positives I associate with INFJs: 1) Pretty much like INTJs, they aren’t boring people, to say the least. They lead with Ni, so there’s a particular depth and weirdness to their worldview which I love to analyze; since they strive to put other people at ease, what they really think deep down can be quite mysterious; as everybody knows, INTPs love mystery and the unknown, so… Plus, I particularly like their brand of thought, a seamless union of rationality and idealism (old-fashioned humanistic intellectuals); they think about people much more than I do, so their point of view about people or even fictional characters is particularly interesting to me. 2) The INFJ friend I regularly talk to is a generator of the kind of questions you could find in a Kokology book. What’s not to love about that? 3) They are very tactful and graceful during interactions, which is particularly relaxing to me because I’m surrounded by Thinkers (yay brutal honesty) and Introverted feelers (yay brutal authenticity). Sometimes you just need a place to rest and fangirl in peace.

Negatives I associate with INFJs: 1) Softcore manipulation and patronizing attitude. They are mostly well-intentioned and it’s almost second nature to them; they think they know what is right and gently steer people in that direction instead of asking directly or getting angry. This is controversial, since many people actually love being “guided” like that, but I’m a die-hard straight shooter and I might interpret some of these behaviors as dishonest or stemming from a superiority complex. 2) Some of them have developed such a strong social facade you get the impression you’re interacting with a kind, smiling wall. Behind the wall the INFJ sits comfortably in his/her armchair, while you are squirming uncomfortably and thinking about your undone hair. Not cool. 3) Tert-Ti is a strange beast. It supports Ni but it’s not strong enough to completely eliminate fuzziness and, well, bullshit; some INFJs spout off ideas who are suggestive but incoherent, or seem absolutely certain about stuff that isn’t proven. I think this is where the “Mystical Unicorn” stereotype comes from. Most of the INFJs I’ve met are strong readers, same for INTPs; if we were all in the same city, I’d like to create a book club lol. Lots of ideas and interesting discussion material.

ENFP

I’ve shared the same apartment with an ENFP during the first two years of university; plus one of my sister’s ex-colleagues is an ENFP and we are in one of those weird situations were both of us regularly checks each other’s Facebook but we don’t really talk lol. Here on Tumblr I and @numberoneintjfangirl, who is an ENFP, are mutuals.

Though I shared an apartment with an ENFP and before that we were schoolmates, I can’t really say I know the type well; that’s partly because I’ve only gotten to know well one person of that type, and partly because what I learnt about that person I learnt during my “wild” INTP phase. I was very immature and closed-off, even obtuse in some respects, so there’s a good chance I missed important data and misunderstood the person. I can’t recall the first impression I had of my school friend because we were probably 5 years old. The other ENFP I got to know later stroke me as a person with a very brilliant and fast-paced sense of humor; he is a true comedian, and not in an annoying way. This is a first impression I often get with Ne-doms btw.As for positives: 1) the ENFPs I met are warm and generous people with a lot to give emotionally. They seem surrounded by a positive and upbeat aura and they know how to have fun, which is a true personal quality which doesn’t get enough respect imho. 2) They are curious and openminded, and VERY accepting of other people’s lifestyle, however unconventional or even eccentric. They themselves tend to be true explorers/creatives and try anything once. This last thing is a double edged sword, but I think they can be very realistic people, despite their famous idealism, because they amass a lot of real life experience while others plan and daydream. 3) Unlike many other Feelers, they are very direct and usually sincere, maybe because of their tert-Te. If something is wrong they’re more likely to tell you instead of letting the butthurt ramp up in silence. Negatives: 1) Similar to ENTPs, they get tired of things and people very fast and lack focus. They tend to be thrill-seekers even in areas where the thrill is only associated to initial phases or tensions, like intimate relationships. This is not ideal if you want to build any stability (which one of the ENFPs I met really wanted, but failed to actualize). 2) Since they try anything once with an open heart, they try a lot of shit that is bad for them and is bound to go wrong, and hurt a lot afterwards. 3) They get annoyed by their own plasticity and wind themselves up in existential crises of the “Who am I” variety. I’d like to go on holiday with an ENFP! I’m much more cautious and “boring” in my daily life, but I ain’t scared of nothing that doesn’t live in my head, so I think it would be a fun experience for both.

Sorry for taking so much time completing this reply, the ask was huge ^^”

@likeadeepbluesea answers to your asks are included here as well.

#mbti #reply to ask

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eyejayes-blog · 6 years

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Social Phobia

I posted this on my Facebook for my friends to read. Thursday 6/28/18

In the wake of the celebrity suicides Chester Bennington, Avicii, Kate Spade, and Anthony Bourdain; people are finally understanding the issues concerning mental health.

Most of my friends know that I usually never want to go out as much as I used to. A few years ago, people have stopped inviting me out because of it. I understand we are all getting older, and more boring lol jk. They stopped trying to ask me out because I make excuses to not want to go out. I pushed a lot of people away with my excuses because I would get angry or annoyed by those pushing me to go out. Most of my reasons or “excuses” were that “I’m tired, I hate people, it’s cold, I’m lazy, etc. And that I want to be with dad or family or that I am a” grandma” now. Most of the time that is all true but most times I just did not want to deal with going out and putting so much effort and energy around people. I didn’t want to deal with any of it!!

YEAH, I used to always go out and party all the time back in the days, which is another reason people don't believe me or they would get upset with me when I don't want to go out. Trust me, I am still outgoing, and I am still a social butterfly, but only when I’m in a comfortable environment.

It's of course partially because of my introversion, but in all seriousness; I have social phobia/anxiety.

My days are cut short. My list of errands gets pulled back. I can only go to one or two places when I need to go to more in a day, a week, or a month. I was literally always tired. I was always moody. I would always make temper tantrums when my grandma asks me to take her somewhere or do something for her. Even when the location was close, and the task was simple. She didn’t deserve that to happen to her, and I thought of myself as a horrible granddaughter.

Yes, I know that I’m always smiling and always being happy around others/for others but that’s because I have a warm heart. I just keep to myself and stay strong most of the time.

I had no idea that social anxiety could be treated. I never thought of it. A month ago, my psychiatrist prescribed me Zoloft. Zoloft is used for treating depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Social anxiety is not my only diagnosis; I have panic disorder, anxiety disorder, and ADHD. Even though I am not diagnosed with depression, I feel that I do have a minor case of depression that only really happens during tough situations.

It takes about a month for Zoloft to get into my system, and I could totally tell when it started working. It has helped me get out of the house without any sense of uneasiness or anxiety of being outside around people. I wake up every morning ready to take on the day. I have never felt so confident about myself, more confident than when I lost 30lbs+ and being all fit lol. I can go out and I cannot even think about the thoughts I used to have when around people. I don’t have that feeling of everyone staring at me, judging me, or talking about me negatively anymore. I am able to keep my head up high and ignore the things around me. It’s awesome!

Tbh, I did not think it was social anxiety. I thought I just really hated people, but once my medication treatment kicked in... everything changed. I’m feeling better about going out and being around people. I am a lot happier, too.

My social anxiety began when I injured myself during my” FIT LIFE” stage and I couldn't work out anymore after that. I started to get “fluffy” in all the “right” places. I’m confident most times but at times I feel insecure with my body, and how much more “womanly” I had become. I would always and still do wear men's joggers, hoodies, and hats with a hardcore RBF to avoid eye contact/social contact or to deflect people coming up to me. I just wanted to hide. It didn’t work, nothing worked. I felt people were always staring, judging me, looking at me negatively or in a “nasty way” oftentimes by creepy men. I became self-conscious, and I HATED IT!!! It sucks more because I'm always doing shit alone (by choice).

Mental health stigma is a real problem. People have told me that “it’s all in your head, get over it, it's just a phase, I’m being dumb, I’m crazy, I’m weird, your life is not that bad,” and whatever ignorant things that people shouldn't say to someone with mental health problems. My favorite one was “it’s all the drugs you take.” NOT TRUE. FUCK YOU BTW. It’s like seriously? Thanks for putting me down and making me look stupid AF type of feelings. Those who know me know well enough. I take care of myself.

Now that most people are finally AWARE of the problems concerning mental health in people and how difficult it can be for those that have to deal with the demons inside their head.

I have opened to a few close friends about how I’ve been going out more now and how I am getting treated for my social anxiety/phobia. Something they didn’t know I had. Their responses are much better and understanding now, instead of what it used to be (MH stigma responses above^).

I wanted to open to everyone here on Facebook because of how some people have been disappointed when I wasn’t “down” to go out with them from always viewing me as “always going out with others but not with them” kind of shit. I want people to understand me better, so it doesn’t have to be that way again.

Everyone on my page means something to me. I have met several people I have seen and only met once, and I have kept in touch with because of social media. I feel like I’ve kept in touch with most people here. Or that I feel there’s a special connection between me and everyone.

With all said and done. I'm going to OC Saturday for a week. If anybody wants to kick it. LOLLL

TL;DR

Mental Health Awareness.

I have and struggle with social phobia/anxiety. The social anxiety stemmed from being blessed and cursed with big boobs, thick thighs, and a big booty. I don’t like to show my body, so I dress like a tomboy. I take medication for my social anxiety now, and it is helping me not to be afraid anymore.

Believe me, judge me, don’t talk shit about me, but at least understand me. I'm better now. That’s all that matters.

I’m going back to OC for a week and I want to go out and hang out with old friends (only if they want to).

I am not attention seeking, and I love everyone in my life.

#mentalhealthawareness #social phobia #socialanxiety #anxiety #panic disorder #mental health #suicide #depression #stigma #breakthesilence

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anothergirlrecovering · 6 years

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Lynn 65 from three days ago

I got there and saw Lynn coming out of her neighbors office talking and she said she would be right with me. I sat down and browse Instagram until she came back to get me. Chef in the door and I walked in and sat down. She ask how I'm doing and I said I was good and ask how she was. She said good and I asked how her trip to North Carolina was. She said it went really good and I joked and said that she didn't crash her car? She said no the roads were OK and it went well and then they drove up to New York after them to see her daughter. She said it was a good trip and that they have a few other trips coming up to Chicago and South Carolina and I don't even remember where else she said and I was like all for college trips? And she said yes. She said she's just telling her coworker about how they are going to all these different schools and applying but they don't know if he will actually get in because you have to try out and her coworkers daughter just got denied from a school and they were talking about how these programs are so competitive and there might be 200 applicants for 10 spots. I joked about how that was good that he would have many options as long as he gets into some of them and she said yeah. She showed me that she has a new planner that has Hawaiian palm trees on it because she's going on a real vacation to Hawaii and she is excited about that. She said speaking of theater how is my theater class going. I told her about that first class how I got frustrated with the kids not being prepared to give their speech and how I ended up with more anxiety and then going home and crying in town I was more upset because I realize the propranolol didn't take away my anxiety in that moment. She said it made more sense to her that I would have more anxiety in that moment because I had just spent all this time preparing it now I have to wait another week to do it. I said I guess so and I told her about how I did my story for the three different people in the class and that no one had any critique for me because they said that it was obvious that I had been practicing and had done it perfectly. She asked me to tell the story and so I told it for her and she said that was a really clever story and a good choice. She said that she prefers to just fly by the cuff and not prepare. I said I definitely preferred to have a lot of time to prepare and plan and practice ahead of time and she joked and was like hmmm wonder why that would be. I laughed and said probably because I like to have a sense of control and that I can control what I'm going to do and know ahead of time and prepare and feel like I'm in control. She said she thought that was what was going to be great about the class because I can't actually prepare I will have to just go with it sometimes and I was like yeah that gives me anxiety but we will see how it goes. I told her I might have to give a speech for the class today I'm not really sure because the professor is so scattered and all over the place so he may make us do it he may not you just never really know with him. She said that the fact that I like to prepare and she doesn't just shows our differences as people and neither one is bad. She said that you need to ask yourself what is the point of the exercise and what are they hoping to actually teach you in this moment and I was like yeah I understand the point is to learn about presentation and storytelling and she reminded me again about having fun and learning. Lynn asked if I had taken the propranolol before session and I said no you only have to take in a half an hour before it will work so I will take it after our session. She laughed and said that she had experimented by trying it once and I was like what the heck LOL why and she said she just wanted to see how it would make her feel I was like OK LOL. She said that she was actually at her doctors office and I'm assuming it was today because she had it written on the paper but a methyl folate pill can be purchased online and apparently there is a new growing research that suggests that can be effective for depression. Lynn was like an experiment and give it a shot LOL and I was like why and she was like well this is just that time of year and I was kind a get tired and not as motivated and don't want to get up and I was like OK are you taking vitamin D and she was like no you're right I'm not and she was like I'll write it down on my hands so she wrote V D on her hand as a reminder to go get it. I said now is the time of year when everybody is vitamin D deficient and it's making them feel tired and groggy. I told her that I want to be less obsessed with the bad memories from middle school and high school that made me feel like I'm laughable and incompetent. I told her about how yesterday a client had mentioned they had picked me because of my face and it's seeming like I would call them on the bullshit and Lynn was like you took that as a bad thing but that wasn't negative and I was like I know it wasn't but to me it is negative because I try to leave my resting bitch face at home and she was like whatever. I told her about how even at a Halloween block party I have been handed a card that said Jesus loves you and was told that they would pray for me to become happy and talked about how there are so many things to be happy for and I don't have to walk around life being angry. She was like wait really? I was like yeah! I've had this problem since middle school I believe. I told her as a sidenote which had nothing to do with any of what we were just talking about, bitch Erin is getting divorced. Lynn left and motioned for drinking and said I guess it finally caught up with her and I was like yeah maybe who knows. I explained how my coworkers sharing an office with her and how she tried to say that she always had to play therapist for her husband and Lynn was like yeah OK. I told her that I hadn't expected it but it is what it is. She was like she's the therapist who drinks right and I was like yeah that's what I had heard and she kept the room in the freezer for writing client notes literally at a treatment center and she was like OK yeah that's what I thought. She asked where I wanted to work and if we should pick back up with some EMD are and I said sure. She asked where we left off and I was like honestly it's been a minute so I'm not sure and she was like looking through the notes and pointing out things about control of coarse and not having choices and apparently the last thing she wrote down was something that had to do with being comfortable with yourself or something and she was like maybe we should start with that memory from Halloween how old are you. I told her that I was actually in college then but what bothers me when I think back about everything is honestly in the seventh grade when I started my new school and I explained how it honestly isn't even a bad memory but that it feels really bad because it was when I got off the bus this girl rose Who I knew from church throughout the summer was in my class and there was only like 14 kids in the grade and she had put her arm around me and introduced me to the group and said that I was one of them and then I don't know I really bothers me but it just feels like it was a lie because I wasn't really part of the group. She said OK we could start with that and just go with it. I noticed how it made me really mad to think about because it wasn't true and they didn't treat me like I was a part of the group and then I noticed that Heather is honestly really ugly and I had no reason to feel so insecure about myself and lynn was like OK notice your anger and I did and then I noticed that it also feels a lot like betrayal because they had basically lied. She said to notice that and I noticed how in sixth grade my teacher had dumped all of my stuff out of my desk and put it on top and then embarrassed me in front of the whole class saying how I was never going to succeed or go to college because I couldn't keep it clean desk and I noticed how I think that was honestly the first time that I really felt embarrassed or if I like it or looking at me and laughing at me because there was something wrong with me. I explained how I have been embarrassed in the fifth grade by my teacher calling me out for hoarding food my desk but that it didn't really feel like everyone was laughing at me and maybe part of that is because they weren't really paying attention because they were getting in line to go to a special but that I think the six grade incident was more so because it felt like there was something wrong with me and that I was laughable. I explained how I had fit in fine with pretty much everyone in the class and that six grade was kind of when they're starting to be more of a separation between popular and not popular and that I had fit in well in all of the different groups. I explained how logically I knew that the kids at my private school where weird and shelter because I was fine when I hung out with my public school friends but that it always made me feel like such an outsider because I really did not fit in with that group. I explained how as a kid up until I change schools I was always really outgoing and label the social butterfly in my report card said that I talk too much in class and once I change schools it was like I completely shut down and started to become quiet and shy. And then I noticed that I felt like I deserved it and guilty because I was a horrible cocky kid and maybe I needed someone to level me out. She was like really? And I was like yeah and she was like OK I noticed that and I was like well maybe I did need to be leveled out some but maybe I also went to far in the opposite direction right now I'm sort of overly humble and feel undeserving and incompetent. I explained how it didn't really help considering the environment I was in because it was such a tiny school and there was so much favoritism and I explained how the music teacher was related to some of the kids in the music program and so he picked them for everything and how there was a time when the guitar player wasn't there and I asked to play since we didn't have one and he acted super rude about it and was like I mean I guess if you can figure it out even though I literally took guitar lessons from the same guy that his nephew did and I was able to do it just fine and I figured it out just fine but it didn't feel like I really had an encouragement. And I noticed how I had so much anxiety about singing because I would never be picked for anything singing since his niece and nephews all sang and I remember this kid Chris who always got made fun of so bad would be in control of the soundboard and he would tell me how great of a voice I had after and I would feel so awkward and anxious and ask him to stop listening but he was kind of the only encouragement that I had. I don't remember why but I noticed about how when I was 16 there was this guy Anthony who had been madly in love with me and would write me kind of stockers poems about how you love me and he would message me online but he was too scared to talk to me in person. I explained how on the last day of school in the 11th grade I had very intentionally not hugged him in the history classroom when I knew that he was standing around to give me a goodbye hug since we were changing schools and then I left that day and a few weeks later I got a message from a girl online he told me that she had met him the day my school has ended and that he had written a suicide letter addressed to me where he was going to kill himself that day because I didn't hug him but that I should be so thankful to her because she met him that day and stopped him from doing it and how I've basically carried this guilt since then feeling like that was my fault and that he was self harming which made sense because he was always wear a longsleeved and he been made fun of for it in the summers and I started to tear up explaining how it just feels like that was my fault and I should've known better because I obviously didn't like being made fun of when it was me and maybe by then I had just forgotten what that felt like but I should've handled it differently and how I still occasionally check his Facebook to make sure that he is still alive even though I know that is silly. Lynn was like how old are you again and I was like 16 and she was like notice that and I was like OK but I didn't get any better the year after because I obviously didn't learn and I explained how I had dated Josh and that I really did not like him in that way but that he was a really good guy and he was my best friend and so I dated him and everybody had told me don't lead him on he such a great guy but then when the school closed a month later he broke up with me and I remember being at youth group and my best friend at the time saying what did you expect you lead him on and the whole youth group everybody just blamed me and said it was my fault and everything got so awkward and I remember feeling so alone. I said hi just felt like this horrible person and everyone knew it and I really was just with him in the first place because I like the attention and Lynn was like isn't that pretty typical of teenagers to want attention and I was like I mean I guess but I should've known better and she was like you work with teenagers, do teenagers especially teenage girls want attention from guys and I was like yeah so she said to notice that. I said how it didn't matter because now Josh is happily married and has a kid and is very successful and of course at the time it sucked because he literally started dating another girl with my same name who I abscessed over her being the prettier better version of me and I was like but I didn't really get any better because then when I was 17 going to 18 I dated this guy Rob and again I didn't really like him like that but I like the attention from men and he was so sweet and such a good guy and he was also in our friend group and it was the same scenario where everyone said don't lead him on and sure enough I did and I used that excuse of we are both going away to college so we shouldn't really officially day and then he got hurt and I was like I should've known better than everybody of course blamed me again and it was my fault and Lynn was like and how old are you and I was like 17 and she was like you do 1617 or 18-year-old really know what they are doing when it comes to dating and I was like I don't know I mean I should have and she was like oh maybe you could talk to my daughters for me then LOL because she said that she could try telling them something but they don't want to listen because they think they know everything. I noticed how it didn't get better when I was 18 because I dated this guy Michael and he broke up with me because I didn't want to have sex right away I am at that time I was still living in the conservative bubble I grew up in so deafly didn't even think I would have premarital sex. I laughed and was like he's from this town so if you know him he's a dick and she laughed and said that she doesn't actually know him. She asked me if I've learned something looking back at all these relationships and I was like I mean maybe and she said the notice that. I was like but maybe not because then I dated Luke and he was the last guy that I really did it before my husband and it was a complete mess. I told her about how he was super opposed to counseling and he was a pastoral ministries major who always told me that if I just prayed and really get it over to God then I wouldn't be struggling and I wouldn't need counseling and psychology was a waste of my time and real Christians don't need it and I just needed more faith and he would make comments about my weight and tell me about how I needed to exercise more or any less and Lynn was like how have we never talked about him and I was like I don't know I guess he just hasn't come up. I said that he actually apologized to me a year ago and said how he realized that he had to counseling because his parents made him go after their divorce when he was a little kid and he's grown up and matured and he was sorry for the way that you treated me. Lynn said wow and she was surprised by that and I was like yeah me too but I'm glad that he did say sorry because it kind of validated the fact that I wasn't just making things up which is kind of how I felt looking back on it but it was like no really he was really mean about everything. She said wow and that that was a good transition place. She reminded me that even if that kid would have killed himself, it wouldn't have been my fault. I was like I mean I kind of know that but it still would've felt awful. I was like I would've been basically the somewhat rivers of Evan Hansen where not only is the suicide letter to me but it's actually about me. She was like you have an evening dear Evan Hansen, who's fault was it and I was like I mean everyone's quick to blame Larry Murphy and she was like we all know that specially from a Therapist perspective it was Many things and a lot of it had to do with the broken family system. I said yeah and she was like so even if you were the person that he put all of that on, you were just one small piece to the puzzle and just sort of the straw. She explained how she's had a lot of clients who have been suicidal and then they get to this point of wanting to do something and then not doing it is what changes everything for them. She said that may have been the moment where he completely turned around and realize life is worth living who knows. I said yeah but it just sucks because I feel like and wish that I had done things differently. She asked about scheduling again and I said we have next week planned back can we schedule three weeks out instead of two because I will be gone for a week to Canada. She was like is that where the conferences? And I was like no it's literally just a random vacation and she was like really? And I explained how my husband won poker money and randomly decided to book tickets there and she was like well that's exciting! And I was like we will see we haven't booked anything yet so we need to probably plan that out. We scheduled for three weeks from now and said that we would keep working on these things. I was like wait are you working Valentine's Day and she laughed and was like yes and I was like I mean you never know, you took off mlk day and she was like well yeah but that was because the kids were off from school and I was like OK well I wasn't sure if you would be taking the day off to spend it with your husband or something. She said that her and her husband don't really do a big Valentine's Day or anything and she said that her husband actually sucks at getting gifts. She said literally one of the first Valentine's Day when they were dating he bought her these like two dollar cheap cupcakes from food city and she was like what the heck this is how you're trying to impress me with two dollar cupcakes I don't think so. I was like omg and she laughed and said that he's just really bad at gifts and celebrating. I wrote down the information Lynn said with the methyl folate and said that I would try to look it up. She said she's really curious to know what the research actually said and I said I would keep her updated. She said she was just going to experiment with it and I laughed and I was like for real? She was like yeah I like to experiment and see how things make me feel and she said that she still hasn't tried Adderall but she has it at home and I was like what the heck oh my God but I told her to make sure she takes that super early in the morning otherwise she won't be able to sleep if she's anything like me because it keeps me up until two or three in the morning if I take it and that's the low-dose and she was like yeah I definitely don't want to mess with that and she was like everyone says it gives you so much control and focus and she was like I don't know that I want to be that focused LOL. I was like yeah I don't know about that. We said goodbye and I headed home.

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elmuchodee · 6 years

Text

Why falling out of love was the best thing that happened to me...

the title seems a bit ironic but bare w/me as I explain how simple it really was for me. i’ma hopeless romantic when the right person brings it out of me otherwise I'm deemed an “asshole” or “childish”; neither being false lol. ultimately I believe in love way beyond what social media has hyped it up to be now.. I believe in the kind of love that wants for nothing but gives soooo much more than just physical attraction. lol that doesn’t seem likely coming from me and my lack of seriousness(?) but I've always said I'm serious when it’s needed and when I'm “in love” is one of those times. on the outside I'm awkward, goofy and sometimes just extremely shy...on the inside well I'm the same lol except all the words/feelings come out smooth and I don’t fumble like a kid asking their mom for snack money -__-. but as I've grown older through age and through relationships I've become way more comfortable being “awkward” and “introverted” cause those things kind of tie into how I love. it’s a bit unique but also very old school. I grew up w/A LOT of r&b in my family so a lot of my “love influences” stem from that although at the time I never knew I'd be like this but I always felt like love was really special at some point in my life lol. I mean I'm obsessed w/90′s r&b, I listen to Jon B, SWX and Xscape daily and not cause I'm sad lol, it’s everyday music for me. it’s what I love. it also soothes me and puts me in a place where my fairy tale love life exists lol.

so ultimately I've always known I'd be a hopeless romantic but of course from 17-20(ish) I said I'd NEVER fall in love....lol. of course that was far from true but I was a kid figuring out not only my sexual preference but also figuring out who I was. my lack of emotions/outright feelings caused girls to really doubt if I'm serious bout them, little do they know not many had the luxury (yeah I hyped myself there lol) of being TRULY LOVED by me. at the age of 26 I’ve loved two people but only truly loved one...looking back I would've never saw myself at that point. and when I say “loved” and “truly loved” I mean loved as someone id did a lot for, made me happy and seemingly reciprocated the feelings. now truly loving someone is a bit different...that for me was taking a relationship into real longevity which I never do. I think in the moment, I don’t really picture a future w/people (even tho I say I do lol, but who hasn't once or twice?) cause I was never big staying in long relationships and def not marriage. well the person I truly loved changed my whole perspective on everything I just said...but in a good way that benefits me even now long after we’ve gone our separate ways. basically truly loving someone for me is experiencing a type of love that is unlike any other feeling you’ve ever felt that makes you want to be one w/this other person and do everything possible to create this reality of love for your relationship. I'm sure everyone has a variety of ideals but that’s mine based off my personal experiences...

as it turns out truly loving someone is the greatest/worst feeling one can encounter. I say that cause the initial feeling of reciprocated [genuine] love is unmatched and really overtakes you w/excitement and butterflies. but the worst comes when that love is hard to keep together when things go sour or everything isn’t so rosy anymore...the feeling of losing that love is depressing. again personal experience...I took it SO hard I became a person I never knew existed and honestly never wanna see again cause that me was down and out everyday 24/7 and constantly forced love on someone that didn’t care anymore. it was hard to look at myself as I was breaking down but I had to in order to grow and move outta the slump it had me in. I love love in every way possible. I love seeing people in TRUE love, genuine shit. I despise instagram love or “goals posts”....it boasts that love is perfect and fixated around material things like matching outfits and shoes as a sign of real affection when those things aren’t close to what real love is. I guess that’s why I decided last year I'd do all I could to keep my personal life off any social media once I started dating again simply because the hype of being the new “it couple” becomes so stupid you argue/fight over literally nothing all the time; it’s mind blowing. so that love I can def do w/o any day but the rather of effortless love I really adore. I've always said love is effortless, it should want for nothing but genuine vibes and reciprocation....if it can't give those things at the MINIMUM it’s lust. you’re forcing yourself into someone’s life or you’re forcing a happy that doesn’t exist. for that I'd rather be single and happy. but while dating someone the less those things are seen the more apparent the love is fading....the hardest part is accepting that. it was for me at least. I knew deep down it wasn’t working but I wanted it to work so bad but didn’t know why. was it because she treated me so great? because she was there whenever I needed her and even when I didn’t? or because she understood my struggles when sometimes I couldn’t? unfortunately the answer was no to all those questions....I was stuck in comfort. I was comfortable dating her but also tired of constantly fighting and arguing w/her over nothing....it was weighing on me mentally, physically and emotionally. the worst thing I did to myself was settle for less when I deserved way more and when I was giving way more. it happens to the best of us I know but at that point I believe in my heart we all know it’s going nowhere but cause of comfort and content we persist on forcing a “fake love” that makes neither person happy, just miserable.

w/that being said I was fairly happy when the love was actually love but when it turned to lust I was depressed, my anxiety skyrocketed and I never felt good enough. I brought myself down a lot to appease or to decrease arguments but to no avail as they would ensue regardless of what I did. I say those things not to pity myself but to highlight how much of pity party I was throwing myself at the time....I was hopeless thinking I'd never love again cause that one didn’t work out. I was hurt of course but I was also borderline bitter cause of the things that happened afterwards. at times I acted less than my age and even got out of character but I can’t apologize for my actions cause they were how I really felt at the time. eventually I would see that instance paved the way for so many better things I couldn’t come close to being mad or upset w/the relationship outcome anymore. you might wonder all this sounds good but what the fuck does have to do w/being happy bout falling out of love? lol well it actually foreshadows how much I began to love myself more but also my ways/flaws/awkward moments. the person I had once envisioned myself marrying, like wearing bands and everything (if you know me you know I don't do rings or marriage for that matter lol), starting a new life w/became just another person to me before the end of 2017. as time passed after our original break in 2015 and somewhat of trying again last spring it was quite apparent that one big thing had changed: me. I wasn't the same Dee... I wasn’t putting up w/the same shit I had before and I wasn’t allowing her to treat me any kind of way. I had actually grown up (a little) and matured in the time we were apart and she had stayed the same really....her mindset/mentality was no different than before it showed in all our conversations. I was moving into a bigger part of my life and jumpstarting a promising career and she was holding on to a time that no longer existed. it’s impossible to date or rekindle anything w/someone that won’t allow themselves to grow and also won’t change their mentality cause they're set in their ways. at that moment it clicked in my head like a lightbulb that she def was not “the one” and def wasn’t the one for me...but I tried again cause I had things I needed to say and to finally get closure. but as time went on and our conversations slowed down I realized there was really nothing else I wanted from her, not even an apology or coming to Jesus moment, I wanted nothing but to be done w/her. that’s when I knew I had reached my limit...I had done all I could w/her and I wasn’t and didn’t wanna continue to go any further w/her. at that point I was comfortable coming to terms w/that and telling her, I had nothing to lose or gain really lol. I was just ready to get back to being the best Dee possible and focusing on myself w/o the extra shit.

so here’s the part you read or skimmed for lol....how could falling out of love possibly be good? well now answering that question is easier than it’s ever been. I fell out of love w/someone who was toxic in more ways than one and also toxic to herself. loving and caring for someone that only sees the negative in every situation is purposely holding on to you to support their negative spree, they need a positive person to feed off. that’s where I was...I was moving forward in life, growing within myself and really working on becoming a better me in good/bad situations. whereas she was stuck in a mentality/mindset that was so frustrating it would bring the calmest person to rage. she was filled w/bitterness, a bit of resentment and just plain mean. I’ve always said people that complain just because and constantly have negative shit to say don’t want to be happy. it’s THEM! they don’t really wanna be happy because they’ll find a reason to discredit why the happiness is occurring then find ways to sabotage it due to overwhelming insecurities. realizing she wasn’t brining me no good vibes I assessed the situation. doing that made hella easy to see that it wasn’t me nor my ways but it was her. it was her mentality, her negativity. her attitude. at that point she was truly poisoning me more than ever. in a lot of ways I'm happier than ever that we didn’t work out and that she was blowing me off....not too many people are selfish enough to show their TRUE colors to the same person twice but she was. She showed me things in myself that could never waiver cause of one person holding you back...she was a victim and I was tired of being the abuser.

as heartbreaking and deep as it sounds letting go was much easier the second time than the first. the first I was stuck in love and couldn’t find my way out of my feelings, I was hurting myself by constantly replaying my wrongs. the second time was a bit different..we were different people on the exterior but she was the same on the inside. I saw different things in her, I saw uglier ways than I wanted to and ultimately I saw someone that was more selfish than ever. so falling out of love was easier than I would've thought. in a lot of ways she pushed me away and she honestly forced me to see her for who she truly was. love is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

love is so fuckin amazing man I would never blame love as the reason things didn’t work out. I fell out of love cause it allowed to love myself way more than I ever have. not only that it gave me the freedom and confidence to truly fall in love w/ME. in the midst of all the was going on I was showing love to everybody but myself. investing in self love/self worth is top five greatest things I've done so far. because I started loving myself better than ever it was easier than ever to fall out of love. falling out of love was the best thing that happened to me and I couldn’t be more grateful..

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