#thanks for asking about this sorry i cant give a concise answer to save my life 😂

[snickerdoodlles]

stardust au for the wip ask game!! its one of my favourite movies and i love your writing, so im very curious to your spin of it

can you believe i tried to scroll back nearly two months of DMs while also messaging jemmo to find this AU's convo before i remembered that i copied it all into the doc sitting in my drive folder?? brilliant, i am not

but okie dokie so!! stardust AU! it's a bit of a hot mess rn ngl--i have a lot of the story's start figured out, but im still working out where it's going to go. as a quick note, my current name claim for Pat and Paa's mother is Nam. anyways, we begin here:

Many would say this story begins in the far past, quite possibly all the way back to when their country’s ancestors decided blood should not be the only consideration when choosing a ruler. They’d tell you all the ways the rules to choosing a new king were refined, the ways people have always tried to lie and cheat their way to the throne. Maybe they’d even tell you how fallen stars are a blessing or a curse, depending on a point of view, for even things as grand as the night heavens are relevant to this tale.

But for Pat, everything began here: his childhood, coloured gold and warm, his sister in their father’s lap and him tucked against his side as he set aside his crown and tells them a story.

we're playing hot and fast with worldbuilding atm, but in this version, the rival prince thing is not between the sons of one king, but rather the ruler chooses a successor that they think will suit the country best from a group of candidates. a lot of candidates do mostly come from noble houses because resources and biases and other such annoyances, but there was that one time the mad king sent out burnt seeds and chose the person who made it grow best

and in Ming's case, he became king because when a star fell almost twenty-five years ago, he was the one who found the star and consumed its heart. the king was impressed by his decisiveness and given that Ming was already a favourable candidate for the throne, a king with a star's protection against harm pushed him to the top

well. one little problem.

Ming never ate a star's heart.

in fact, Paa's been secretly living as his daughter and Pat's little sister ever since she fell and Ming and Nam scooped her up. so when, at the start of this whole story, the assassination attempt against him works, suddenly everyone's questioning just what the hell this guy's been playing at for all these years. if he didn't eat the star's heart over twenty years ago, did someone else take it, or is the star still out there?

the main story begins with Nam waking up Pat and Paa in the middle of the night with the dire warning "your father is dead, you need to leave, now." Pat's already pretty worried, but then his mother also hugs him, fresh tears in her eyes, and says "I'm so sorry, my son, i've failed you. i never should have let your father become king, or let him die like this." Pat tries to ask her what the fuck that's supposed to mean, but then Nam's back to business sneaking him and Paa out of the castle (“who do you, completely and absolutely, would stake your sisters life on it, trust?” “Ink” “good, you have someone. convince her to go with you, Paa’s life depends on it”). she and Korn get the two siblings out of the castle within the hour, Pat and Paa scoop up Ink on their way out, and two days later Pran pops up to smack Pat upside the head because "you need to cover your tracks better idiot!!"

so the four of them are gallivanting across the countryside, where they eventually get scooped up by Chai (Chai's the Captain Shakespeare equivalent in this AU btws). and in amongst their various adventures there, Chai's accidentally going to say that he's glad Ming never killed the star like he planned to in Pat's hearing vicinity, and Pat's "wait, what" startles about 20 years off of Chai's life because fucking shit, he did not ever want Pat to know this

Chai: ah, sorry. I shouldn’t say more Pat: no, please tell me Chai: the man is dead Pat, what good will me telling you things now do? Pat: it’s precisely because he’s dead that I’m asking you. Chai, please. all I ever hear now is how my father was a liar and a cheater. that’s all I ever will hear about him now, I won’t get any truth from listening to rumours from strangers who didn’t know him. but I’ll be dishonouring his memory if what I know is a lie. please (and what goes unsaid by both of them is that Nam is the one he should truly be talking to, but he doesn’t even know if he’ll ever see her alive again)

see, for Pat, he's always known his father had lied about consuming the heart of a star. he and Paa's favourite stories as children always revolved around a trickster lying to protect something smaller and more precious than them, just like their Papa does for Paa. for weeks, Pat's been living with people whispering vile things about his dead father, someone who he dearly loves and respects even when he's gone, and the knowledge that his father was only what the rumours say he was to protect his sister from someone else's greed has been a huge source of strength for him.

but then he learns that that's not the case at all. that Ming could have very well scooped up Paa with the full intention of killing her. Nam was the one who planned to save Paa, the one to come up with the plans to hide Paa's identity. the ruse where Ming claimed to have eaten the star's heart started with Ming, but it's unclear if that was a compromise or him working angles. either way though, it was never the selfless, caring act Pat believed it was. when his mother said she failed him, she meant this--not recognising that Ming's genuine offer to help was also a power grab until it was too late, not until after she and her children were trapped in it. Ming loved his family, all three of them, and he did try to protect and provide for his wife and children. but he never truly considered all possible options, or what might be best for them, not if it meant that he'd have to sacrifice. Ming tried to keep his family safe, but he could’ve done so much more had he given up his pride

it hurts, but it hurts more when he goes to tell Paa. Paa's emotions on their father is a lot more tricky--there's a lot more cognitive dissonance. she was so young and confused when she fell. she recognized that Ming was using her in some capacity, but he was also one of the kind people that helped her and cared for her and swung her up on his shoulders when they walked through the gardens and made her laugh until her belly ached

When Pat tells her, Paa mostly just curls in on herself. "I think, on some level, I always knew that I was a tool for him," she says quietly. "Just like how you were a tool for him as well."

"I wasn't--" Pat begins to protest.

"He loved us," Paa interrupts, not in disagreement. "But I was his way to succeed in this lifetime, then you were there to carry on his legacy." Paa hugs her knees closer. "Even when he thought of us, he was thinking of himself. We couldn't ever be just his kids.

"I knew this Hia. I think I always did." Paa curls in on herself smaller.

"So why does it hurt so much?"

tbd on how this growing monster ends, but there's a loooooot of Jindapat (not you Ming) love in it. i think the only thing i have jotted down for the end is that Pat gets a chance to go to Ming's grave and let out a lot of his feelings about everything. he loves his father, he's so grief stricken that he's dead, and the most selfish thing the man ever did was die and leave the mess to his family to clean up, and Pat deserves to yell at him for that

[[ WIP ask game ]] | [ 1, 2, 3 ]

#bad buddy #ask game #WIP shenanigans #i think this now also counts as: #ask game: fics im not writing #whoops #bbs stardust au #SORRY FOR THE WAIT i was trying to organize my notes into smth semi-coherent hjgfhjgjhghj #outtakes include: Nam's POV points bc Pat and Paa's mother is literally a queen and i have so much love for her #Junior's mother is a pirate captain here too and she's in a friendly rivalry with Chai #which mostly amounts to her calling Chai an upstart scamp bc he's younger than her #and the two of them aggressively comparing photos of their kids and dueling over who's is cuter #and more but this is getting too long hjjhghjg SHUSHING NOW #thanks for asking about this sorry i cant give a concise answer to save my life 😂 #mine: bad buddy

[kwackdoctor]

Progress Note #2: How to love yourself

Today, for the nth time, I have googled “how to love myself”. It’s that time of the month, I think, that I get depressive thoughts, suicidical really, but I still try to fight for myself and try to save me. Just a little background, when I was in high school, I had suicidal notes – plans to kill myself, notes of goodbyes to my parents. To this day, I still remember the look of hurt of my mother when she read it. She was hurt, betrayed and scared at the same time. Right there I realized that my problems wont go away along with me, it will stay with the people left behind. So at that moment, I promised whenever these thoughts visit, and they often do, that I will fight for myself. A bit ironic, isn’t it? Negating the thoughts of killing myself. But it really happens, you really cant control these thoughts. I have thought about getting professional help, but I think im not ready to scare my parents again. So im doing a “self-help”. So while I was researching, I came about a website by marc and angel and they list down a few tips on how to love yourself. So today, I will try to do that.

“because the greatest struggle in life is the struggle to accept, embrace, and love ourselves, with all of our imperfections”

it seem so easy. I mean, I love myself. But do I really KNOW myself for me to love it?

I was making plans with my best friend, telling him our plans of travelling together when this academic thing is over. I was telling him of not getting married early because I was scared of being alone. When his replied shocked me, he said, “Learn to love your company, be your own bestfriend”. GUYS. My own bestfriend, telling me to be my own bestfriend. Was he trying to break up with me? But it hit me hard. I SHOULD REALLY LOVE MYSELF. But how?

“We have to learn to be our own best friends beciase sometimes we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. We love the idea of others loving us, and we forget to love ourselves.”

Start telling yourself what you love about yourself.

Well, this is hard. You know what’s easy? Telling myself what I hate about myself. But let’s try this exercise. I have watched a series wherein they also did this but they only listed 5 things, so I will try that.

I love my height

I love my cheerful and optimistic side (even though it is tiring sometimes)

I love how I can make people laugh

I love my kilay

I love my dimples

Be one with what is

It says in the website, “ giving up on being perfect and beginning the journey of becoming your true self”. Well, that’s easy. I am not perfect. I know that. Again, I can list all of my imperfections in 10 minutes unlike exercise 1 which took my 30 minutes to list 5 things. face palm

but being one with what is, it’s kind of difficult to understand. Being okay with yourself. Isn’t that settling? Isn’t that going below average? But maybe I am the average and being myself is okay. Well, we will update on this because I am also confused on the matter HAHA

Focus less on winning the approval of others

Okay, this is difficult. We live in a world where every aspect of your life is posted on social media. Every event in your daily, mundane life is recorded. How the hell do you stop trying to get approval of others? Whenever I post something, someone is always there to comment – be it bad or good. Maybe I should get a social media hiatus, right?

“Your time on this planet is precious:

“What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it”

“Don’t wait around for someone else to give you permission to live”

Sooooo, if I sleep all day, what does that make me? Still important. I think I shouldn’t be bothered by what people think about my itinerary. I will do whatever makes me happy. #sleepislife

Distance yourself from those who bring you down

Wait, what if I don’t know those people? Should I know them?

“Being in a relationship is better than being in a wrong one” – OH SNAP, that hit me. I have been with this guy for a long time now (hello 7 years), and I still don’t see any progress with our relationship. Should I see progress? But I still don’t have the guts to let him go. I still love him. But in most times, we just aren’t in sync. I don’t know what to do with it, though.

“Know your worth” – still trying, I am so sorry.

“Quality over quantity” – ah, this I have done right. I think. But sometimes, I still feel like I was choosen last. You know those scenes in the movie, where the captain chooses their team mate? I always feel like I was the last one choosen. Maybe because they have been together longest? Or maybe because I don’t speak the language? Or maybe because of who I am as a person. But I don’t really blame them, I guess it’s my fault.

Forgive your past self.

I’m not so sure about this. I don’t really have a past to forgive on. Or do i?

(I just realized how long this list is, so I will try to be more concise)

Start making the changes you know you need to make

WHAT CHANGES?

“Just because something made you happy in the past doesn’t mean you have to keep it forever” – this is him again. I think. But but but, he still makes me happy. Sometimes. Yea, im stupid that way.

Embrace the mistakes you haven’t even made yet

This looks fun. “Don’t let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making any decision at all”

Well, the thing is, I keep making the wrong decisions.

Show gratitude for who you are and what you have right now.

I am very grateful with what I have right now. I know there are a lot of people less fortunate that I am, and I am very much grateful for what I have. But sometimes, I really can’t control my jealous type. They have like this, they go to this, and whatever. But I keep telling myself that what I have now is more than enough and I shouldn’t feel bad about it. It’s an everyday struggle, but I know what I have.

I have always thought that I could get anything I want as long as I put my mind to it. But there are things that I really can’t have. That makes me angry and want to throw a tantrum but I realize that I am too old for that sht. I have to learn to accept these things, however hard it seems.

“There are lots of people who will never have what you have right now. So use pain, frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in conttol of the way you look at life.”

I will accept these things.

No matter how hard it is.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, so man up, self!

Do something every day that makes you happy

What if nothing makes me happy anymore?

“Life is short”

“Invest in the activities you deeply care about”

“You have to experience life on your terms before you can be life-giving to others”

I really need to get a hobby. Any suggestions?

Give yourself a fair chance to explore new ideas and opportunites

But how?

Hobbies. Interests. What.

Listen to your intuition and be honest with yourself about everything

Now, this is what this blog is all about. Being honest with myself. You see, I haven’t been honest with a lot of people in my life. I told lies to be interesting. I had to keep up with it. But then I realized, I don’t really have to do that. Fuck what people say, this is me. If you don’t love me, then leave. (I hope I am this confident in real life).

“Confidence comes from knowing that what youre doing is right, and that what you’re doing is right for YOU”

Believe in your abilities.

Focus in writing your story, instead of reading, watching, and hearing about everyone else’s

I feel like I have been doing this at some point of my life. I guess, my life was so boring I had to make it a bit interesting by watching others. But I realized again, that this was wrong.

Pay close attention to your life as you’re living it

This is what I am also practicing. Being in the present. Maybe because of my work that I have missed a lot of stuff happening in my loved one’s lives, but now I will try to be there. To be present. I used to ask myself whenever someone invites me, “what will I do there”. Today, I will answer myself with “Just be there, be present.”

Loosen up and be a little less serious about it all

I guess what’s good about me is that I don’t take it all seriously. Most of my friends can attest that. But I guess there are certain aspect in life that you should take seriously. Differentiating them is the lesson life gives you.

“people with good sense of humor have a better sense of life” REALLY NOW

Lastly, (thank God), Go out of your way to be loving and kind to others too

Heh, this is hard. I have been known to be maldita and judgemental. How do I stop?

“people who love themselves come across as very caring, generous, and kind to others too”

so today, I will try to be loving and caring. It is hard. But I will really try to go out of my way to do this. I hope everyone does, to make this life a better place.

Parting thoughts: Start looking at yourself more. Notice yourself more. Eventually, you’ll realize you love yourself more. You have nothing else, but yourself, so you really don’t have a choice. I know I will do the same. This will be my self-help blog for loving myself. I will keep you posted on my “progress”, if there’s any.

Cheerios.

#tldr #longpost #howtoloveyourself #love #yourself #selflove #medical #medicalstudent #blog #progress #progressnotes #learningtolove