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96xie · 2 years

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a moment of vulnerability

this is such a long read but ......................................

ive acknowledged that i really need to allow myself to be sad. that i really do need to cry !!! seriously its so important to let your emotions out and cry as much as you need to. anyways

over the weekend, i got to see my some of my cousins for a festival !! saturday was rly fun, i went with my manang and her best friend, drank some m* water (which was okaaaaaay but i drank too much with her best friend so we were literally vibing out on the hill), found MY best friends right before i was gonna cry because i didnt want to carry a big bag of shirts and sweaters + i thought i wasnt gonna see them at all u __u but anyways it was a fun time because my manang got to see her friends from middle school and i ALSO found some of my middle school friends too :3 i felt kinda bad cuz we were switching stages, found justin right in the middle, and dragged him away looool but anyways it was still a fun time. some time throughout the day we had a small convo about one of our cousins, how my manang disapproved his actions and stuff but i really cant help but agree and disagree at the same time because he was probs going through things that we havent, so its highly possible he was expressing his grief in a different way. we talked about some other stuff but her best friend later apologized about it to me and i said omg NO dont apologize because i absolutely dont mind talking about it. i havent seen her and my cousin for awhile and we usually dont talk about important things like this so honestly like it’s cool. whenever we see each other its light convos but i really think its nice to actually talk about things that do matter.

we got home thanks to wayo’s semi-crazy driving (i was a seatbelt for mocha and my manangs bestfriend) instead of getting a $300 uber drive thats only 20 mins away from my place. idk how it was brought up but i got to talk to them about my situation with my dad, because i guess she knew about the lunch(es) with my him. my parents are divorced so i rarely got to see my dad. i saw him for the first time in YEARS around august last year so it was kinda bittersweet? i felt so sad because he was so skinny compared to before and it kinda tore me apart. I felt torn because.. am i allowed to feel sad? there was a topic that was brought up often: my dad always said my mom was so mean to me as a kid and even growing up and i mean, i do remember that, its why i go to therapy :< or atleast i used to, im now looking for a new one. i told her that it messed me up because my mom was always getting angry at me and i had always felt like she used to take her anger out on me while treating my brother like a prince. my dad sometimes came home once a week so i felt really defenseless as a child and when he DID come home, he was always protecting me. my manang understood, and she said tht she knew how much my dad would say he loved me, how he would alwaaaays talk about me. and that broke me because 1) i dont remember such an important action 2) how could he say such important things while he was not present. he was not available throughout my childhood and when i had moved back to SJ, i suddenly could not get used to that im going to see my dad everyday for the next few years. but the thing that really hurt me the most was looking forward to being with my dad but it was always him and my mom fighting every single day. your parents are your number one experience and source of a healthy relationship, so when you grow up not seeing them in love, it really changes your view. my manang says something that makes me really think, “do you think your mom took out her anger at you because your dad always protected you when he couldve supported her needs” and i just really thought about it. “i think maybe its because he expressed more his love for me compared to her and she may have gotten jealous because he doesnt come home often. or maybe because i really resemble him the most and it makes her mad.”

but going back to our lunches, i told them about how my lunches went: we just ate good food, talked about superficial stuff, didn’t talk about deep topics because i plan on doing so a little later when i have my emotions all settled in. right now, its all over the place and i cant organize it. but overall, i think it was a good way to unpack ~some~ of my emotional baggage because ive always kept it in. my cousin asked if my brother goes with me, i say no. ive always asked my brother if he wants to go eat with me and dad, he always says no quickly. and i dont get mad at that, honestly. i dont know what he’s thinking, maybe he doesnt want to face him, maybe theres something else i dont know about. when he’s ready we can go eat together but i wont pressure him to do so. my manang says she’s sure theres he’s holding something in and he really needs to talk about it sometime soon. i agree but if i push one wrong button it might not end well. im letting him do his own thing until he’s ready

cool takeaway: they were validating my feelings, telling me how ive grown and i just felt kinda relieved. like hey! i AM growing! im emotionally growing into a better person. people actually do see this! i need to pat myself on the back. goodjob alexie :3 i slept with my manangs and it felt nice because i know we’re all growing older so we don’t spend time together. it felt like we were all kids again :”)

sunday was more of a mess ; ^ ; i took something on an empty stomach and my body was just iono. destroyed. i still had fun!!! just... more of a crackhead energy pouring outta me. i saw my best friends and their family a lil later and im so glad i saw them. an hour before that, i got to see my fave rapper and be with my cousins for a bit. i got a lil annoyed because we spent most of the time waiting for everyone to get their alcohol, water, or find a porta potty. AND the connection was SO bad. its the main reason why i was going to cry because how tf am i gonna keep in contact with my families ; ___ ; i went to get alcohol with my cousins gf and these guys bought us alcohol and honestly i was just relieved to get out of the line BUT the m* was hitting HARD and so i didnt realize i was spilling shit lmao. we found my other cousins and then next thing you know i was left with one other cousin. i felt so drained because i wanted to have a fun time with my cousins but i found out that 2 of them + my brother had to go home because her baby was getting sick and idk where tf my other cousin and his gf was at. i was SO lucky to have found wayo when i turned my back. i was about to cry because i was looking for them for the past few hours. i quickly held his hand because i really was not walking straight :”( i yelled “im so glad u found me !!!!” he dropped me off where everyone else was at and i just felt so much at peace. i sat with brian while mocha and jordan was in the front i think and iono i just felt nice. jhene aiko was playing while four of us were all laying down cuz man ................. that shit hit SO hard. i dont remember much except enjoying the music and being in a safe space with them. one part of the whole event was just holding on and hugging everyone while waiting to get into the bus. my love language is physical touch so just those actions help alot. of course doesnt have to be in a romantic setting but especially when its cold!! i love hugs ; v ; hold on to me if u need it !!! hold my hand if ur cold !!! i dont mind !!

one thing that really fucked up my mood was seeing too many guys that looked like my first and latest ex. at first it didnt bother me, but then i kept seeing too many. i asked brian and mocha that it kept reoccuring and i thought it was a sign that i dont deserve good things, that maybe there was unresolved things that are coming back to me. and then i got mad, because i broke up with them in the first place because i put myself first. and it made me even more mad because i dont understand why it was happening. they kept telling me “you’re okay. you’re fine you didnt do anything wrong” and they keep me so sane.

i saw my other cousin before we exited the venue and let him know ill be going with my other friends. his gf was hesitant but we let her know that i trust them with my life ; v; i melted on the floor when we reached their airbnb n knocked tf out when brian drove me n mocha back to my home. we woke up the next day feeling extraaaa groggy. i opened up ryans package and despite being a lil bit brain ded i was just kinda overwhelmed because there was so much !! like i didnt expect it, but i was also appreciative !!! and then i cried LMAO because anyone can tell there was so much thought he put in it and iono it made me so emotional because is this something i can accept?? am i deserving of it?? but i was so thankful ; - ; i think he’s an amazing and wonderful person so i really thought about if im deserving to be in his space ; _ ;

overall,,,,,,, sunday was fun but a shitshow in the middle and i preferred saturday better ; _ ; still had alot of fun but i think those experiences really help me reflect about things. i really need to set my emotions straight before im able to let someone in my life.

ANYWAYS! im growing into a better individual. the progress is VERY slow but i really need to take my time. i need to remind myself that there are people who love me, who support me, and see and acknowledge my growth. i need to forget that my journey is lonely. and if there is anyone feeling so lost, i am here and i love you!! ^_^

#just another public diary post #i just really needed to let this out before i explode again

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yioh · 3 years

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ik i rant abt this all the time but i hate shoujo manga/anime so . Much

#its such a pet peeve of mine lol like no shade if ur into that #i just hate it with a passion #and i keep getting recced shoujos and im like that shit makes me wanna punch the characters looool #also i am aware that horimiya is getting animated and i HATE it #like i read it ages ago so i dont remember but #didnt she make him cut his pretty hair and get rid of all his piercings ........ thats so ..... shit #i hate it lol #and i hate kimi ni todoke #like it couldve been cute but ITS SO SLOW ??? FOR THE STUPIDEST REASONS???? i love slowburn but this one took it too far lol #and blue spring ride ... WHY U GOTTA RUIN CUTE FRIENDSHIPS OVER A GUY THAT DOESNT EVEN GIVE A FUCK WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY i hate storylines like #that with my SOUL #what happened to bros before hoes huh????#wait theres more #that one with the short haired girl and the long black haired guy in ANOTHER school setting .. doesnt he force kisses on her??#AND THE VILLAINISING OF FEMALE CHARACTERS LITERALLT WTF #none of these writers know how to write characters besides the same recycles main leads and boring evil side female characters its .terribl #every so often i gotta get this off my chest lol #and a good 80% of this genre is ALL school settings lmao #the originality #wait this also applies to the bl genre too #I HATEEEEEEEEEEEE SO MUCH #all the good 'bl' shows i dont even consider bl lol #and akayona is a shoujo but u wouldnt even realise kfensbsmsnsm its so good #banana fish being a shoujo is so whack to me bec i swear i have not seen a single female character in that show lol #THE GENRE IS LITERALLY CALLED SHOUJO

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jimlingss · 3 years

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Dear Miss Kina, it's me again! First of all, congratulations on finishing your final fanfic on this blog! It was immensely what i've been waiting and hoped for. You definitely played with my heart till the very end! It's kind of like - with every fic you've released till now from Seokjin fics to Jungkook fics - every one of them are all so perfectly crafted, every member gets so written well that sometimes time flies so fast when im reading it!

I waited, and read The End for like two hours? And it was really worth it (im wriitng this at like 3am too) like damn i was pausing every second because I was just trying to decipher whatever was happening in each scene, it was all a lot to take in because with each scenario created with the boys, it almost felt like six whole fics crammed into one! The scrollbar was really small n wasn't moving at ALL when i was reading the first few parts and i was like, "wait this feels more like a 60k than a 31k ㅠㅠ" ??? Like how??? But i was smiling as i was reading through the whole thing, to find out it was a Jin centered fic -- and honestly all of your Jin fics are godtier -- i was like "YES YES YES OMG YES I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING" n it was real fun to guess which member went next and how the scenario would turn out.

N i really loved how smooth u incorporated both oc and Jin during each scenario, their bickering was so fun and their moments made me go "AWW WTF I WISH I WAS OC ATM" AND OMFG especially that parf where ic asks jin if he ever knew her before everything happened n the whole "like you love me" scene went down -- my mouth was WIDE open i was tearing up and i screamed so loud lmaooo omg ur like the only writer to actually make me react so violently about that ○_○ n when the scene wherein oc wakes up and doesnt see jin and rushes out, the way you wrote it, you sense the urgency and the dishevelled/rampant thoughts of hers when she sees seokjin on the floor bleeding like that and all the way to the hospital scene where she cant even talk despite feeling so sick DAMN i cant even stop staring at the screen even tho my head hurts from being awake all night (but honestly ur worth it)

Like if i had to rank the individual realities where reader ended up with, i think the one i got sadder for was the Taehyung reality -- the oc in that universe couldn't even have time for herself n gradually drowned in becoming a mother and a wife n all i could think of was "tae u should at least treat your wife >:((" n with Yoongi's i was like "whut's happening," and instead of being hurt about it i for no reason started to discuss my thoughts onto thin air "i dont want a partner like yoongi, they dont have time for e/o n thats kinda sad" n thats where i really started to guess maybe every scenario has a major downside but i had to figure it out. N then with Hoseok n Joon's i felt my heart crack a lil bit bc the oc's insecurities in that part (she felt world's apart to hobi n then inferior to joon) i was like...this is me n I DIDNT WANNA FEEL THAT WAY IN A RELATIONSHIP so then again i started to talk to myself looool. Then we have Jimin's that got me like damn :(( thats kind of harsh -- being in a reality with oc in the picture removes the fact that jimin had a stable life. And i guess with every scene you made with all members (did that intend to give me life lessons or sum uhh)

And last but not least, Jungkook's! Not gonna lie, i also thought he was gonna cheat on oc bc she mentioned she was a racer, thats the reason he was late to her bday dinner, but then the dots started to connect when she mentioned why jin looked solemn in the hospital (re: everything that i mentioned a paragraph or two before)

I do know this was loosely based on TATBILB, but as i was reading through it i found so many similarities to it. Like the BTS UNIVERSE incorporated in where Jin goes back in the last to try and desperately change the future where he is not there in order to stop people from getting hurt. And also Orange (one of my fav mangas) where Naho received letters (along with her friends) from her alternate self to save Kakeru from committing suicide, and it had the happy ending too wherein she stopped him from getting right in front the truck (tho there were mistakes that she didnt do correctly)

And that's all 😭🤧 im sorry if this ask was really long. But i wanted to say thank you for creating all of these wonderful stories! They made my day n i could still rmember finding out about you as a baby army myself so i could say you were part of my journey as a new army msksksksk. It was such a great fun time to be waiting for new fics to drop, new chapters released and announcements and funny asks to scroll through on my tl! I do hope you do well in whatever you embark on from now on and hey you'll finally get to publish a book! And i'll most likely read that too ^^ happy 5 years to the blog^^ thank you user Jimlingss, thank you Kina!

omg thank you for this amount of feedback and your extensive praise, I feel undeserving of it hahaha anyway, thank you for taking your time to enjoy the end. honestly, I was aiming for it to be a 50k fic to just really indulge you all as my last story. But as I was writing it, it turned out muuuch shorter to my exasperation. but it still stands as my longest oneshot and I think it ended up pretty great in spite of being so much lower than my intial word count goal. that being said, I'm glad it felt long to you!!

Also thank you for giving me a run down on your thoughts on the other timelines LOL it was really fun for me to think about it as well and consider what OC and Jin would've chosen had they chosen. While each had their downsides, some of them they liked more than others. since you indulged me so much with such a long message, I'll indulge you as well....OC's choices prob would've been JK > Tae > Joon > Hobi > Yoongi > Jimin. While Jin (if he could make the choice for her), it would've been Joon > Tae > Yoongi > Hobi > Jimin > JK.

I came up with the whole idea of the end. while watching TATBILB cause I thought this whole alternative reality worlds was gonna happen but nope, they took a much different direction lol and I'm happy to hear you mention Orange bc that was one fantastic manga I read!! Personally, I find the end. to be the love child between The Truth Between Us and The Seven Kinds of Love (with a sprinkle of Seven Seconds in Heaven) hahha there's definitely elements of pre-existing stories to this guy but I don't mind so much since it feels like almost a call back to them :')

Anyway thank you for the love and encouragement!! I'm sending well wishes to you too!!

#Jimlings

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xllxxrbxg · 3 years

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so ayon nga hehe

so ayon nga mga marecakes hehe narrate ko na lang nangyari today.

so i was like chilling today right im all set for school because i did my homeworks naman days before it was needed so i was like, "aight lets get this shit today". tapos karlo message me he wanted cuddles eh i was like hMMM... we just made out the other day eh and its like tuesday palang today !! i told him nalang na make it happen, not rlly thinking he would make it happen. but this mf took it as a challenge and actually made it happen.

before all that tho i was badtrip because ha made a very uncalled for rape joke and it fucked me up in the head, plus the fact na im being taken to someplace unfamiliar. i was very tensed the whole ride there. anw he didnt get the hint na it was THAT awful to me, but its aight we resolvedt it already. i'll keep a tab on this tho. for me that was a red flag.

anyways we made out in this tambayan place their family owns. basically it has a large parking lot and across that space was this little studio type housie house. the place had a large ass gate, wasnt really paying attention to what he was saying about the place because i was still tensed with the bad joke he made. anyways we went in and it was a very nice place. outside the house, it wasnt that obvious, but when you go in, it legit looked like one of those sala sets in malls with the note "thank you for not sitting" typa shit. so yeah it was nice it had same vibes with vista mall maybe because of the ceiling yellow scattered lights and of the fresh ass furniture and the whole place itself. it was a pretty decent size, not too big not too small for at least two people to share in the long run. it also had this aircon i always wanted the expensive ones u see in 5 stars. anyways it was quickly cold. there was also the bathroom that had a shower, then theres this chair where you pull a button and a foot rest will pop up lmfao. there were also two other sofa charis by the window. the window was the type then you push back up, not much windows tbh. but thats aight and reasonable since it has an aircon. i was tensed at first when the room was opened. it was obviously recently used idk maybe by his relative. WAS TENSED BRO same feeling when you enter an empty room newly unlocked by your teacher. THAT. that typa anxiety. anyways eventually joined him to sit by the small bed. was pretty much good for one big ass person to comfortably lie on, but fitted both of us nicely. didn't really bottom at that sesh so i don't really remember if the bed was uratex when weight is applied on me but it probably is AHSHDHASHDHSAHDSAHAH ok mej funny yun goiz liek- HAHA ok serious na nga hmpz. we cuddled first before doing nasty stuff. it was nice. i'd exchange all those laplapan just to wholesomely cuddle in peace and probably have a great nap together. i like the feeling the warm feeling. it was nice. yes. anyways,, yeah it was nice. cant stop talking about how nice it was because it was nice. heck... it was so nice. it was so heart heart. idc about my coochie getting rubbed, CUDDLE ME BITCH. anyways we started kissing and the rest is historyYYYYYY. jk. basically the make out routine starts with cuddling then kissing then he touches me until it reacher the forbidden softie softie, main bec he likes hearing my sexy ass moan. even before in tinder when i vm my boytoys for the first time the first thing they say my voice is smexy. cant blame them i agree. even when im alone and i randomly fake moan gat dam bro i get turned on too LMFAO. so yeah i moaned bec it was music to his ears and turned him on big time. was ngl kinda steamy when we breathe in each others mouth thats one of my favorite parts of it and also when i suck on his tongue. or also when i moan into his mouth. yep. also when he cusses it means im doing a great job. hehe. nice stuff ryt there. we pause sometimes to rest, then go aead again. i got many rounds that day. we did same stuff on the bed several times. then he pulled me so i'd be on top. im such a great top bro he aint know hoe to topppp. then was cuddling on top of him and then accidentally (wink wink) grinded on his rock solid stuff. he was turned on sabi nya shit anuyon sabi ka ah ayaw mo ok BUT THEN he was like gusto ko. tnagina pabebe yarn. anw i started kissing then grinding and he was cussing bec im so good at it. later my pants were off and later his shorts too. so we were underwear-away from grinding on directly. was nice got me tiredt. THEN HAHAH i saw this 5 peso coin by the bed and i was like eto yung token sa rides AHSDHASHDASHDHA WOF YAN TEH? tangina tawang tawa sya gago ang funny ko tlg san ka makakakuha ng kallapan na funny. tas nilagay ko sa gilid nya singko started grinding again. bet u he was grinding too. AND IT WAS SO HARD IT LOWKEY HURT TO GRIND ON. GEEZAS. so basically the whole bed was shaking. and i did my deed as a good girl to keep the music on (aka moaning) because there was no music. felt like

asmr. boring af. unlike when we make out sa car, theres always music. i like making out on the white chev instead of the fortuner BECAUSE THE FORTUNERS WINDOWS AIN TINTED what in the world was i thinking making out inside an untinted car INSIDE A PARK WHERE THERE ARE LOTSA PPL PASSING BY. anyways back to the bed, we paused, cuddled. then i was badtrip again for some reason so i got up to get dressed but we eventually made out again on the sofa hehe. legs spread again bec he liked touching there so i let him. then eventually was begging me to allow him to eat me out but i was like BROOOO NOOOO you gon taste it and it be not groomed yet in anyway but he was alr there begging looool he looked so adorbs but NOOO. i asked wala ka man benefit jan, sabi nya ikaw meron. tas sabi ko why do u wanna do it, he said he wasnted to satify me liek HNGGGGGG ok i would let you but it really not be groomed oakay NEXT TIME for sure. AND HECK the lights were on. it was daylight and the lights were on like hasdhahsdhashdas it feels liek im being eaten out at the home decor station at vista mall U GUYZ. anyways ayon. after non i think he tried carrying me for some reason. and i knew he found me heavy lols. but yeah i was a cute little moment he carried me around the room pretending its a mall and he's touring me and shit, "to your left, is the sala set, to your right is the flat screen tv..." things like that HAHAHA funny cute moment. anw later on we found ourselves sitting on the little bed again i was on top of him. he didnt want to lay down bec he alrady made the bed lol so we started grinding again sitting, me on top doing my best !! giving my all !! bec he also had a finger down there as i grinded on his stuff so it basically felt like a direct grind lols. anyways was nice. then later on we made out standing up. was kinda hard because he was 7 inches taller. OH AKALA NYO TITE SIZE YUNG 7 INCHES NOH. hinde. so ayon we were making out and he was shy to ask for a deep throat HAHSDHAHDHAS HECK NAW BITCH U TOLD ME A RAPE JOKE. so this is the part where i get revenge. he was standing there, and i was teasing him. was acting clueless, but he hinted he wanted his belt off so i took it off. was honestly confused with the belt. lol. anw i got to remove it and said, so ano next? playfully hhehhehehe. anyways ayon nga eventually me teased him everrr soooo slowly his dick went from solid-jelly-solid-jelly. LMFAO omfg will i cause him illness? omg. anwwww ayon. later on i removed his shorts as he asked. then i stepped aaway from him across the room because he was doing the shy type hands while hsis shorts was by his foot. and i LOL'd at him for a good few minutes just clapping my hands out of entertainment HAHSDHAHSDAS. then he asked me to put my hands inside, did it slowly and i told him to smile ka nga muna. AND HA THE MF WAS SHAKING. LOL. my fucking powerrrrrrr. anyways later on i was teasing out the underwear, then later i got my hands in again and then touchedt the dick *YAY* finally we got there!! anw it was only for a few secs and i told him its over HAHAHA. then i put his shorts back up again, but subtly teasing that i would suck. bec the shorts were by his ankles so i had to kneel. did i suck? no. did i make sure he thought i was? YES BITCH. and then he lay down fretting because i didnt suck his dick and then while was laying down i opened his shorts again to pretend that his dick was a computer mouse and told him "lets play solitaire, o kaya counterstrike or maybe purble place. gawa ng cake hehe" lmfao mfer be cry laughing because he dont know what to do bec he was teased. so ayon we ended that way and i thought he was bad trip bec of what i did. but he assured me na di naman like dapat lang duh. anyways ayon hehe.

uwi na kami after nakauwi ako 1. andon kami 10. hehe. hinatid nya man me pauwi. tho yung byahe pauwi di pa kami nakakalayo sa place he pulled over so i was confused bec there were no big vehicles incoming but to my surpris he started kissimg me again lol bro deins ka ba nasasawa. anw yon. was nice naman. making out with a guy from a rich fam is nice bec yall dont need to pay to rent in motels lol but still has pressure, bec if we end on a bad note, i swear most of the blgs here are engineered by his relatives. thats how prominent they are. the place we went to is owned by his uncle, who works at legazpi rn thats why the place was vacant. theyre making a mall i think idk. so thats why his uncle is making another like that na place dun. so he has somewhere to stay. like what in the wealth... its crazy how people have money. and for sure even if the place we stayed in was small, it costs millions fr. anyways ayun yung promised detailed chika ko. hehe ciao. mej pokpok nga me pero look at me suffering the consequences, may sipon na ako aside sa ubo because he had mild sipon. now my sipon is malala compared to his, and he alr is recoveredt tangina unfair. but yesterday he insisted to see me to drop off some meds and he hugeed me and cried. because i asked for a time out the night before. bec i was having a hard time. he allowed it but over thinkedt it so yeah he cried while hugging me tight in the car. and kept on saying sorry mainly bec of the sipon thing. but it was, i felt, directed to the other stuff he had disappointed me with. anyways before that sabi nya ok lang ba sayo mag punta munang emall may bibilhin lang, sabi ko naur im sick. it was bec he wanted to buy me gummy worms lol. cute. u shoulda bought them before going to me, mofo. jk. loveee u penggg.

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