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popculturebuffet · 3 years

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The Loud House Reviews: The Cow-Pie Kid and Saved by the Spell

Welcome back Loudiacs.. I .. don’t know what the fandom calls themselves. And given I dont’ know anyone personally in the fandom and the going into the tag is like living in a living nightmare.. it’s easier to keep workshopping a name till either someone tells me or I find one that sounds right. Loudites.. there we go that didn’t take long. Point is we’re back in The Loud House, In The Loud House for the first regular coverage, i.e. when I cover a show as It comes out of the season. And I was lucky enough to actually see the episode same day this time and with a promo that at least gives me images to work with, so yeah, i’m pretty pumped. And not just because I can cross this one off because SOMEBODY has a birthday tommorow.. no not me, that was last month.

There ya go. But yeah the show’s back. I’m excited, your excited, i’m scared because nick dosen’t give a clear schedule out ahead of time so i’m left wondering when one’s going to pop up and when to get it on my schedule now I have one... it’s a good time. Seriously though Nick needs to get their scheduling in order. So i’m happy to be back, your happy to have me here, but probably not happy to have spoilers so let’s take this under the cut and we can talk about cow pies, magic, and ... how this block is weirdly almost all lincoln episodes.

The Cow-Pie Kid: Yeah.. this was the only bit from cow pie kid I could find. Tons of stuff to mine from for saved by the spell. Nothing for that one. Weird. Anyways our story opens with Lynn’s baseball team, who we’ve met before.. and include friends who have played other sports with her and that guy she had a crush on for all of five minutes because the writers kinda forgot L is for Love happened for anyone but Luna and Luann.

Okay look MOST of the love intrests introduced there were not great and while Lincoln needs one NOW, at the time he really did not as the Ronnie Anne thing had not, and still has not, been properly resolved. Still vastly prefer him with Stella and her with Sid, i’m just saying closure would be nice. Look i’m getting off topic point is one besides Sam, who was great out of the gate and not just for being gay.. though that was a lot of it, and Benny, whose objectively a really sweet kid and damn likeable. Luaggie shippers feel free to boo me, I understand.. dosen’t change my mind or the fact Poly exists to fix that. I mean why not both I ask you. Besides them, we had Chazz, a loveable chubby guy who Leni was into and worked at clothing store and knew his fashion stuff. and was charmed by her romantic gesture. He just seemd sweet and it was implied via background stuff they were still dating.. but he hasnt’ shown up since despite her working AT the mall and that being her main arc for the last two seasons.

Just why? What’s wrong with the chubby fashion boy? Why? Did they decide they had too many romance arcs.. at exactly two? I get focusing on sam, because duh, and because that was awesome.. but you’ve had 2 full seasons since then and again Leni and him now work in the same location if not the same store, which in itself is a plot. I don’t ask much from you show.. well okay I do but let me clarify I don’t ask much from you that you could actually do: I know i’m never getting my a diffrent world style spinoff with lori and bobby. I know Zach is going nowhere and i’m just going to have to get over it, I will not, but I DO know you could include chaz and just won’t. So do that at least. I will put up with several more seasons of Zach if it means this adorable love story continues. It’s even easy enough to pick up this late: they are both stupid. Work with that. Gah... coach if you’d please.

Thanks coach. Okay so one tangent later we’re back to the episode. Point is her team is loosing even though Lynn’s the captain now, and while she’s perfectly encouraging it’s not winning games. Lynn is understandably dejected in the car not helped by the sports commentor guys from the game... commenting about it on the radio...

I mean.. I get sports can have dry spots and all that but who covers a middle school basketball team on the radio that isn’t the middle school radio station. I mean I genuinely can’t decide which is more sad... a radio personality doing a children’s baseball game on his own show, or having so much trouble getting one that he’s apperaing on the middle school radio show. And I COULD say it’s just a guest spot but he’s talking like he knows what’s going on intmatiley> Did his daughter ask him to? I mean I know radio’s fallen pretty far but I dind’t think it was that much in the basement. Do a podcast at least man.

Okay before I go on another Tangent point is Lynn feels it’s her fault as Captain.. which granted whoever the coach is should be .. but it genuinely looks like they don’t HAVE a coach. Maybe they had to sack him to pay for the newly refrubished av department? I dunno. Point is she feels bad and Lynn Sr vows to cheer her up.. before stopping for farm fresh eggs. Which.. yeah can’t blame him. He’s a cook, and Liam’s family likely has good prices. He can buy for both home and restraunt at once. I mean he has a van and only one occupant at the moment. Don’t judge him. But this little detour DOES help Lynn’s mood. Her problem is the team lacks a decent pitcher, since Lynn herself was banned for throwing one at a heckling goat. The Lawsuit is ongoing and that made me laugh a lot. But Lynn finds Happy Gilmore style that Liam.. has a really great arm. Granted instead of actuall balls it’s with cowpies because this series really loves a shit joke, hence the title and the new nickname for liam, the cow pie kid.. but compared to some of the series toilet humor it’s a lot less in your face. But with Liam being so good Lynn can’t help but sign him to the team and Liam being a sweetie pie is happy to agree. I have.. not hid even for a second how much I liked Liam or wanted him, and Stella, to show up outside of Lincoln episodes more often, or even get his own again. That day.. has come. Not only does LIam now have a roll entirely outside his friend group, but this episode’s about him and Lynn together.. not in that way.. yet. Someday.. Point is my boy is in the spotlight and I could not be happier. And thankfully.. Lynn’s at her best. What I feared would be an episode about her overtraining him and making him not enjoy the game, htat old chesnut instead.. she just genuinely helps mentor him. She’s tough but fair as she helps him get his aim right as he’s used to firing Cow Pie’s, so the weight distrbution is off. So she helps train him and .. it’s really cute honestly, with her genuinely helping him and showing a softer side and later realizing she had him thinking about it too hard and just having him not think.. and going by instinct naturally works for a carefree and easygoing guy like liam. Wouldn’t be suprised if he went ultra instinct eventually.. but that’s for another episode. They also have a pig pile together.. which sounds bad but is just pigs piling on liam and lynn gladly gets on top of the pigs and god that sounds worse. next scnee.

So Liam gets ahead and becomes the star pitcher for the zanarkand abes.. I mean the Royal Woods Kangaroos, and they just keep wining and wining and wining. Their like glomgold: all they do is win... but probably with less attempted corpse dancing. Problem is as we see during the montage Liam’s arm is slowly but surley getting cramped and while he wins hte next game.. his arm gives out from noodle arm. The good news is with rest, he can fix it, as her injury prone friend Paula, whose somehow allowed to play with crutches despite ALL the legal and moral issues that raises explains. but they don’t have days to rest it. So insane plans it is! So Lynn goes to her sisters for herlp..specifically lisa int he hopes her mad science can either fix his pain or turn him into the hulk. Neither happens.. yet. I mean LIam is so sweet if he IS a hulk, we won’t know yet. But the green door will.. it always knows. IT ALWAYS KNOWS. Lynn bemonas her luck.. before Lucy appears!

I JUST said last month when reviewing 11 louds a leapin that I missed the duo of her and lynn and lo and behold here we are. While we dno’t get much of the two fo them, it is still nice to see Lynn suprised by her scares and Lucy trying to use the dark arts to heal his pain.. which actually works. Lucy’s upgraded from wants to be a witch to full witch.

So yeah her dark magic works and now Liam is fine just fine as the championship game approaches. Until naturally it isn’t. While Lucy STOPPED the pain, she didn’t make anything better, just numbed it so Liam’s arm’s pretty bad and Lisa suggests there’s a 70 perfecnt chance he’ll wreck it if he does so.. and while Lynn is naturlaly, given one of her main traits is asshole, ready to risk that.. she realizes she can’t. Rusty is on her team following her orders.. and no matter how good a W feels.. she can’t trade in someone’s health for one. Honestly bettter than most sports managers ngl. So Paula subs in and misses, loosing them the game.. but Lynn. takes it in stride, having realized she can win next year and having finally realized what being the leader REALLY means. She can work on paula’s curve, give Liam a break, and win next time... which she’ll have because time dosen’t work normally in this show’s dimension and a solid timeline is just a pipedream, so she probably has another year of being 14 to redo this and has become aware of it. I’m scared and excited for what that means. Liam celebrates with a pig pile of two and we get a REALLY fucking cute shot of the two being happy and what not before a pig jumps on them still though.. yeah I ship it now. Liam taps into the space where I thought a black void of misery and douchebaggery was but ti turns out is in fact a heart, something few can do with Lynn and Lynn can protect him form bullies and is perfectly suited for his rough hewn farmboy styles. Point is their cut.e And so was this episode. IT was a really nice return to the series and it was again REALLY fucking great to see one of Lincoln’s firend,s and one of the GOOD ones at that, get a starring roll without him. HOpefully this keeps up and hopefully we see more of these two.

Saved by the Spell:

RUSTY SPOKES IS TRASH (Ring) I don’t have a saved by the spell font that’ll have to do. Point is he is but before we get to Rusty being Rusty, Lincoln is doing magic tricks at the table.

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Point is he’s excited to do it at the talent show. The next day his friends discuss doing something to make them look cool to everyone. WHich.. kids. i’ll level with you. You. are. NERDS. As a massive one in both size and nerdiness myself, there’s nothing wrong with that. 2/3 of you are lovely people. You’ll be fine. But you are geeks, and should be proud of that.. not so proud you evolve into an incel or it’s adjacent form of assholes mind you, but still proud of who you are. You are never going to be that cool by trying to appeal to everyone. Just be yourslef and the cool comes naturaly. Like kool aid, which is naturally made by milking the Kool Aid man. Be you.

But instead they decide to do a dance routine which.. let’s face it.. is probably just this spread across 6 people...

Point is maybe don’t do that. Also when Clyde does a dorky but endearing dance and says their going to shake their groove things, Rusty pipes in with “But cool”... and while sadly not as glorious as EVERYONE looking enitrely done with him like last time we saw this tool, Clyde clearly still does while the rest of hte Lincrew have no idea what the hell he’s on. I think their just.. numb to his stupidity and ego at this point. But when Lincoln shows off his magic they all hide him, fearing that magic.. is well for younger kids and this won’t play so well. Which isn’t an invalid fear: this is middle school and from personal experince, middle school can be hell.. and also one of hte best years of my life which shows the vast gulf between the two schools I was in but was also not the point. the point is kids can be cruel and maybe don’t do this. But lincoln gonna do it anyway because he has confidence.. and frankly given there was an ENTIRE episode about being yourself instead of putting on an asshole suit of armor to avoid being hurt, which Lynn finally took off again last episode, he’s right.. but the rest of them all feel THEIR ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU. and since they don’t know if he has latent psychic powers or not can’t risk him getting pigs blood dumped on him so they plan to find some way to trick him out of it.. Clyde of course gets his stomach in nots because he’s not good with schemes or lying ot his best friend, both of which this is and requires.

Also Stella’s in the lead, as she should be. And she helps as her positive attudie makes what their doing come off as it should: KINDA douchey, but not intentionally so, they just worry about hteir freind getting pummled.. possibly by his own sister but now sh’es possibly with Liam that’s probably not as much of a worry. Or Chandler but frankly he’s going to do that no matter what.. and is probably getting his ass kicked himself by older kids who won’t toldeate his bs, so your clear. But their fears while a bit unfounded are understandable and well inteitoned if misguided, as we don’t know LIncoln’s act at this point or how well it’d go over with a mostly tweenager crowd, who can be the best as we’ve seen in recent tv.. or aboslutel monsters.. same deal. You either get Luz or you get BOscha, the inbetween is rare.

So cue our usual setup of a bunch of attempts to do something in a row, but like I said while i’m not a fan of reptition if it’s done well enough it works and with it’s rather sizeable supporting cast , LIncoln and Friends episodes usdually do make it work. In this case it does as each of the sensational 6, lincoln and clyde asid,e try their hand at it. Liam, being the golden child, just has the most direct and obvious route: swipe his magic stuff.. and runs off without letting them talk it out but unlike Rusty in the next attempt, his plan was actually viable.. he just gets tangled up in the scarves and taps out. Rusty is next ....and his idea is to.. show lincoln his killer dance moves to convince him normally.

Yup pretty much that. And somehow out of the four plans, RUSTY’S is the only one that dosen’t bring up any serious moral quandries. I know i’m shocked too. He just thinks his moves will do it when no they won’t, please stop it hurts to watch and I can’t turn the fuck away. This is my job you redheaded kanker sore! Gah it thankfully ends and is unsurisingly unsuccesful.

Also unsuprisingly, i’ve been waiting since i got that image to use it on Rusty. And as a third dollop of unsuprise I did not have to force it in any way shape or form. Point is it’s Zach’s turn as during the last two he’s been pushing really hard to use some form of brainwashing on his friend.. yes .. really.

Thought Rusty would be the first loud house character to get that one but hey if the shoe fits. Seriously I thought rusty was the creep among them but at least you know.. altering someone’s throughts to suit your own isn’t his go to move. Being excetsivly cocky and coming on too strong is but still better to take THAT out of the Zach Morris playbook than “brainwash people into dooing whatever you say because tha’ts not creeptagious.” And unsurpsingly it does not work.. on Lincoln it woroks on Meyrl for some reason. Thankfully it dosen’t though just.. Zach needs no power epsiecally over the mind.

So UNSUPRSINGLY, Stella has the working plnan.. and also unsuprisingly the last three just did theres by running off, running off and shouting the loudest. Again somehow Rusty is NO LONGER the most obnoxious one of the group. Zach won that title this episode. He’s still the most pathetic.. but i’m the most done with Zach who adds nothing to the dynamic or the planet or anything and I wish would just go away. Your home planet needs you.

But yeah Stella has the winning idea: pretending to be “Yodel Boy”, a student who was humilated at a talent show last year, proving sh’es not only a decent actress (I mean it’s obvious i’ts stella in a wig, padding and lederhosen, but points for the accent being okay and hey she’s in middle school), but also the smartest of them. Only one of those is a suprise. It works and Lincoln agrees.

So the night of the talent show they’ve caught him up to speed and prepare to celebrate, only for clyd eto open the wrong locker and reveal the yodel boy suit. WHy it was in there instead of at Stella’s house where this wouldn’t happen?

But yeah the cat’s out of the bag and lincoln leaves, depressed his friends think that little of him and lied to him. Which.. yeah completely fair. They tried talking to him, it did not work.. they shoudl’ve just left it at that. It would’ve SUCKED if he got bullied true, but it was his choice to go out there and take a risk and do what he loves. As someone whose constnatly self concious and had to fight to start writing like i’m doing now, I envy that kind of youthful confidence and thus wholly support him.

And finally.. so do his friends. Realizing they’ve been kinda crappy, they introduce lincoln instead and work as his assitants.. and.. it works. Stella gets sawn in half, Zach gets astounded by a card trick, and Liam wears a bunny outfit which is just.. precious. Good boy. Best boy. It’s a huge hit.. and we also get to seesome of the new background kids including one with pink hair who looks kinda nb. I’m just saying one of you should take a crack at them, they seem nice. But for now our heroes are haield as heroes, and the other 5 apologize to lincon and they do their now cemented and fucking adorable group hug. Happy ending to a pretty great episode, with decent gags, a good relatable plot, and Rusty being just the right amoutn of obnoxious. Good stuff. So that does it for this week. If you liked this review like or reblog it, check out my other work and come back later today for some duck content. and every week once the show returns. Until the next rainbow, it’s been a pleasure.

#the loud house #lincoln loud #stella zhau #clyde mcbride #lynn loud jr #liam honeycutt #who finally has a last name!#FINALLY #zach gurdle #rusty spokes #lucy loud #lisa loud #saved by the spell #the cow pie kid #animation #reviews #nickelodeon

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notquitecanon · 4 years

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Christmas Vacation // Spencer Reid x Reader

a little blurb about the reality of big family Christmas that was heavily inspired by National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

TW: drug mention

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

____________

You pressed your back against the bedroom door, closing your eyes and taking a calming breath as you prayed to anything out there that your mother would give it a rest. Leaning against the door, you savored the few moments of relative quiet (you could still hear the loud political discussion your uncles were having- both extreme conservatives with all their facts from facebook, your mother and siblings in the kitchen gossiping, and your younger cousins loudly playing edgy music to cover up the Christmas music from downstairs.) You were really beginning to regret coming home for “big, old fashioned, family Christmas”.

“You’re hiding to you?” You heard a familiar voice ask, startling you. Yelping a bit, your eyes shot open to find your boyfriend, Dr. Spencer Reid lurking in your childhood bedroom by your bookcase. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

You smiled, crossing the room and collapsing on your old twin sized mattress that you two were sharing for the weekend. The good doctor copied you, flopping down beside you as you sighed, “Yep. My grandmother is convinced that I’m pregnant, and won’t stop giving me advice on a shotgun wedding.”

“W-wait... are..?” Spencer stuttered, leaning upon his elbow to gape at you. Chuckling, you shook your head no, watching his sigh of relief. You were certain you wanted to spend your life with him- but children weren’t on the schedule just yet.

“Why are you hiding?” You asked, lacing your fingers through his. He squeezed your hand.

“The Christmas sweater your great-aunt knitted was giving me a heat rash. And your uncle was asking me how much information the FBI had on him- and was asking me to delete it.” He admitted, smiling as he watched you laugh.

“And a very Merry Christmas from the (Y/L/N) family.” You joked, sitting up. “I’m sorry I dragged you out here for this.”

Spencer followed your movements, “No! I wanted to come. This is your family, this is you! Besides, I very excited for your Aunt’s banana pineapple surprise that seemed to be defying gravity.”

“We’re going to need a vacation from this vacation.” You complained, ignoring his joke about the disgusting casserole waiting downstairs, leaning in so your head tucked onto his shoulder. He chuckled, kissing the top of your head.

“Besides, tomorrow we fly out to see my mom. So we’ll have a little more alone time.” He promised, rubbing your back. You smiled, pulling back so Spencer could see the mischevious glint in your eyes before getting up and locking the door.

“Alone time sounds perfect right now.” You winked, crawling back onto the twin bed, it was so small that it didn’t take much effort to be on top of him. He was nodding, already a blushing mess as you leaned down to kiss him. Just as your lips brushed his, something beat against your window.

“You two better not be making grandkids in there! I’m too young to be a grandfather!”

In horror, you looked up to see your dad perched on a ladder, a string of Christmas lights in hand. Now your cheeks matched Spence’s (who looked like he wanted to wither away in embarrassment), as you stumbled off your boyfriend.

“Dad! I’m a grown woman! Besides what are you doing out there!” You hissed, Spencer quickly getting off your bed as well to fix his clothes, and slip the sweltering Christmas sweater on- effectively killing any mood that hadn’t already been killed by your father.

“Dave across the road put up those reindeer. I will not be outdone by a man who doesn’t even own a leaf blower.” He vowed, shimmying down the latter the angrily staple Christmas lights. You shook your head and threw another hopeless look at your boyfriend, who was already sweating in his knitted apparel. With a forced smile, you tried to be optimistic.

“Well, we haven’t set anything on fire yet, so this is still a success.”

Later that night, after the tree had been completely put out (it had been a rather unfortunate situation involving hairspray and a cigarette), at Christmas dinner, it was you who wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Your father has just cut into a turkey that looked drier than the Sahara, your aunt was a bottle of wine in and scooping a generous helping of Banana Pineapple Surprise onto Spencer’s plate, your mother was quietly scolding you about the neckline of your shirt, and your uncles were complaining about the players that had kneeled at the Superbowl. You had a tight hold on Spencer’s hand under the table, hoping that he would be your lifeline to sanity as your cousin’s rambled in.

The group of teenagers smelled heavily of pot as they slumped into their chair, all chuckling about something. You decided to ignore this, as you felt you needed some sort of drink or drug to get through the night as well. When your great aunt blessed the food with a startling rendition of God Save the Queen, you thought that would be the worst of it.

You were wrong.

So much was happening at once. Your uncles had moved onto to “the gender crisis” and “the war on Christmas”. Your mother was complaining about you not spending Christmas day with them. The weed-ridden cousins were laughing at a video on one of their phones while your drunk aunt loudly announced the latest in her divorce lawsuit. It was when your grandmother asked Spencer about his virility that you decided to put an end to it.

“Alright, that’s enough!” You began loudly, drawing everyone’s attention, “Uncle Mike, Uncle Hank- stop talking politics until you actually start watching the news. Aunt Tanya, your husband was cheating on you- get a better lawyer. Mom, we already have plane tickets and we’re going to go see Spencer’s mother tomorrow, end of discussion. Grandma, I love you, but I’m not pregnant and don’t plan to be a long time.” You paused before pointing to the teenagers who were wide-eyed at your display (one of them was holding up a camera and you swore if you saw your mental breakdown on tik tok you’d kill one of them), “And you three! Are you serious? Could you not wait for the ACTUAL FBI AGENT to leave before you went out and rolled a blunt? For the love of God and Christmas, can we act like we’ve got some sense in this household? I’d rather my family not scare off my boyfriend.”

You paused to take a breath and a sip of the wine by your plate, “Hallelujah, Holy Shit!”

Already leaving your place at the table, you pinched the bridge of your nose, “Where’s the Tylenol?”

As you left the dining room you could hear their murmurs, and you already felt guilty for unloading all of that- but also fairly relieved. After a quick breather in your bathroom (and two Tylenol swallowed), you decided it was time to rejoin your family. Knowing them, they’ll probably act like nothing even happened. You thought as you shook your head, Poor Spence, I left him down there to fend for himself.

To your surprise, Spencer was just outside the bathroom door hand held up like he was just about to knock and your glass of wine in the other, “Hey, sweetheart, you ok?”

You suppressed a laugh, he only called you pet names when he thought you were really upset. You leaned up and kissed his cheek, “I’m fine. Really. It’s not Christmas if at least one family member has a come apart at the table.”

He sighed in relief, “It was pretty awkward for a second. Then your cousins all gave me ridiculous excuses about the pot smell. And then it was back to normal.”

“Sounds about right, but we still haven’t had to call an emergency service yet, so I’m still counting it as a win. My crazy family hasn’t scared you off yet, has it?” You asked, wrapping your arms around his waist after gratefully taking the red wine out of his hand. Feeling his head shake as his arms wrapped around you, you listened to his words as they vibrated his chest.

“I spent Christmas with Derek and his family one year, and in the same year spent New Years with Garcia. Your family doesn’t even top my list.” Spencer assured you, “Also did you know that emergency calls spike by 47% in the period between December 23 and Jan 2- within that 47%, 1/2 are alcohol-related, 1/4 are house fires caused by holiday decorations, and 1/4 are domestic disputes between family members.”

You laughed aloud that time, it’s not a Spencer Reid Christmas without some random inane fact. You thought as you looked up to him. “Maybe we won’t be in that 47% this ye-”

You were interrupted by a sharp scream, a lot of yelling, and the easily identified voice of your aunt screaming, “Quick, someone call 911!”

“And nevermind.” You sighed, already moving to run downstairs, but pausing at the doorway, “Hey, Spence...”

He was right behind you, staring at you quizzically as the noise of chaos floated up from downstairs. Your family was hectic, but you wouldn’t have it any other way- and Spencer was in the middle of it all, taking it in stride.

“Merry Christmas, I love you.”

__________________

This is bad but honestly, this is how 90% of my holiday goes. I wish Spencer was around to witness the chaos.

#spencer reid x reader #Spencer reid imagine #criminal minds x reader

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thelittlestcheshire · 4 years

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Self Para ( Open House 2.0 )

To say Ches was at her limit with Chad currently was an understatement, if she didn’t ditch him and stay away from him soon, she was going to lose it. After his little fit during the activity, and everything else that had gone on today, if she didn’t go someplace nobody could mention Callie and Chad were looking for her or ‘oh it’s your turn to watch him,’ at this point all her attempts to not hurt him like she was tempted to would be in vain. As she walked through the halls with him and tried her best to tune him out, she was brainstorming less violent ways to deal with him. As much as she wanted to knock him out, tie him up, and run away - Dom had a point. As much as she hated to admit it, Chad was a child. A child that reminded her oh too much of her brother, but a child nonetheless.

Then she notices the cart next to the janitor closet. The man is nowhere in sight as she notices the glint of metal keys resting on the cart as they approach, an idea actually clicks. Maybe she couldn’t tie him up and run away, but she could lock him up and flee the scene. Sure, she’d still get into trouble, but at least she wouldn’t get a lawsuit on top of whatever Luxor would give her. “And you got a touchdown?” She questions, pretending she’s actually interested in the story he’s telling as she sneaks the keys off the cart. “That’s so cool, actually kinda hot.” She winks at him, even as the thought of Chad being considered hot by anyone makes her want to vomit all over his shiny black shoes. “So hot, in fact, I have a challenge for you, babe. If you win, I’ll let you kiss me.”

That gets Chad’s attention, much to her annoyance. “Why do we even have to do the challenge? I’m the best, you know I’m going to win.” He boasts. The smile Ches gives him is sickly sweet as she tries to hide all the disgust in her tone.

“Sure, but girls like a chase, and when a girl is happy, they give better kisses. I’m sure you’ll fly right through it, but appearances, appearances.”

“What’s the challenge?” There’s a glint in his eyes that feels oh so familiar, between living with Jamie for years and seeing her own reflection in the mirror. A tiger stalking their prey, but this time, Chad wasn’t a cat. He was the mouse. “We’re going to play hide and seek.” She explains as she starts to move the cart a bit more out of the way. “You go into here to count, starting only after I shut the door, and after you count to 60 you use everything you’ve learned on today’s tour to come and find me. If you find me before the hour is up, you get a kiss. If you don’t, well, does it matter what happens if you don’t? We both know you will!” She tells him as she unlocks the door.

“That’s all? I’ll find you in no time!” Chad grins as he walks into the room, “now run along - the sooner you leave, the sooner I get my kiss!” He doesn’t need to tell her twice, because she shuts the door once she can hear him start to count, she’s locking the door behind her and darting off. She waits till she’s near the exit to ditch the keys, tossing them in the trash before she starts heading in the direction of the student parking lot.

Maybe she’d go grab herself a pizza, possibly drop by the mall for a little and pick up some more perfume if she had the time. Until the administration noticed her missing, she was going to take all the self-care time she could sneak herself. After dealing with Chad, she’d earned it.

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She was about finished with eating what she could of the pizza she ordered when her phone starts to ring. “Ches’s Pizza Delivery Service, may I take your order?” She answers with a laugh, expecting it to be her Logan yelling at her about the school calling again or her roommate asking her where the fuck she was when she hears who’s actually on the other end of the line.

“Ches, quick question, why am I one of your emergency contacts?” Zander seems surprised, honestly, for a moment Ches actually has to pause to think about her emergency contact form. Logan was her primary - listed under her father, her father’s office was filled in the mother slot in case they ‘couldn’t reach him on his cell phone, always call that first’, and Emmett was her first option if nobody could reach a parent. Between the three of them, she never thought there’d actually be a chance nobody would answer the phone. She’d just used it as a throwaway slot, honestly, after all, it wasn’t like she had anyone else who’d care if you called them for an emergency once you went through the first three contacts anyway. What could her grandparents do from Paris? They were about 6 hours ahead of NY, late enough in the day you wouldn’t be able to get ahold of them without waking them up.

“I figured you wouldn’t mind because you’re already Balo’s and I never thought someone would need to call the last person on the list? Now, you didn’t answer my question about pizza. If it factors in any way, the delivery driver is really cute. I’d order one just to see her. ”

“No, I don’t want a pizza. I do want to know why I got dragged into the office asking if I knew where you went apparently since we’re so close I’m your emergency contact you must have told me all about your plans of locking your kid in the janitors closet, which by the way, you taking the keys with you made getting him out a bit harder than it had to be.” He got dragged into the office to ask about her whereabouts? Well, that wasn’t a part of the plan. “You should have told me you added me to your updated list, Ches. It would have been a good thing to mention, especially since the only thing I could tell someone about your medical history is ‘deathly allergic to tuna.’”

“Fine, I’ll bring you back some knots though just because I love you!” She gets up to walk over to the counter, moving her phone off her ear when she reaches it. “Can I order a dozen garlic knots too? To go, this time, please!” She’s already pulling out her card to pay when she hears Zander groan on the other line.

“For fuck's sake, Ches. Do you even realize how much trouble you’re in right now? You locked a kid in the fucking closet.”

“Oh, I knew that before I even did it but I figured hurting him would be worse, so I left before I got to that point. Plus, it’s not like I actually took the keys off-campus. I tossed them in the bin near the exit closest to the student parking lot, it seemed like a good place to ditch them.”

“You threw out the janitor’s keys? Hailey, I swear to god-” She can hear him moving on the other end of the line, the frustration clear in his voice as he calls her by her first name. Before she can even point out how rude that was, he’s speaking again. “I can’t believe you dragged me into this. Now I've gotta go fish keys out of the trash.”

“You don’t have to do anything.” She reminds him as she sits down at the table to wait for the garlic knots, starting to close the pizza box with one hand as she talks. “Just because you know where they are doesn’t mean you have to bring them back for me.”

“Oh, I’m not bringing them back for you. I’m meeting you in the student parking lot and you’re returning them yourself. What kind of pizza did you get?”

“Hawaiian, why?” After all, he just said he didn’t want pizza, so surely it didn’t matter what kind of pizza she had run off to go eat.

“Because I didn’t expect I was going to have to dumpster drive to ensure you only get detention, I’ve changed my mind. Knowing you, you have leftovers and I want a few slices to go with my knots, finish up and meet me in the parking lot. And no, finishing up doesn’t include a mall trip so don’t even try it.” He knew her too well, that was apparent as a smile cracks on his lips.

“You know, you’re actually kinda sexy when you’re laying down the law, Zan. You should do it more often.” She teases him, wagging her eyebrows as if he could actually see her messing with him at the moment. “Are you sure you don’t want me to try to hook you up with one of my friends? I bet-”

“Goodbye, Ches. I’ll see you when you get back.” He sounds amused at least before the call ends with a click. She sighs, looking at the time. At least she’d gotten about an hour without Chad before she got a phone call asking where she had run off to. There was no way of twisting what she said in a way she’d have to kiss Chad.

That was a relief.

----------------------------------------

Zander indeed was waiting for Ches when she pulled back into the parking lot and parked her car. “Well, hello Mr. Driskell, fancy running into you.” She jokes as she gets out of the car, “food’s in the passenger seat. You’ve got the goods?” She holds her hand out for the janitor closet’s key, curling her fingers around them as he drops them into her hand.

“You’re lucky I need you for Shakespearean Studies’ group projects, Ches. I can’t believe I had to dig through the trash for keys.”

“I’m lucky you like garlic knots, you mean.” She jokes, handing him her car keys. “Make sure she’s locked when you’re done, I’ll find you to get them back later. I’m off to return these.” She dangles the janitor’s keys, letting the clinking fill the air. “Thanks for saving my ass, I owe you one, Zan.” She doesn’t wait for a response before she darts off. Maybe she was in trouble, but she had to admit, if she didn’t return the keys she’d probably be in even deeper shit then she was to start off with. She doesn’t stop to talk to anyone, just heads straight to the office. “I came to drop these off and receive the verdict for my punishment.” She tells the secretary, before the person at the desk can even call into the office, however, she hears an oh too familiar voice.

“Miss Elswood, I assume Mr. Driskell was able to get a hold of you. Come into my office.”

She takes a deep breath before she turns to follow them into the office to hear what her punishment would be.

----------------------------------------

Icarus (Zan 🙈): So how long are you in the slammer for, Chessie? Ches: Week in detention, and I’m probably gonna have people watching me for the rest of the day to make sure I’m not locking Chad in any more closets or something worse. I think I”m gonna just be good, quiet, and peacefully serve my time, pretty sure I got off lucky after the key thing. LOL

And with that, she puts her phone back into her bag, takes a deep breath, and goes back into the fray.

#so any threads posted before this take place before this para and anything after... I dunno we'll play by ear folks #all of my heroes died all alone ( musings )#chad ( the jock brat )#all you cool people better leave now 'cause it's about to happen ( balo | zander )#//hopefully the week is fine if not... lemme know I'll edit it I wanna go with the higher number XD #//also hopefully nobody minds the Zander? My muses all know each other bc I solo write with them for the most part and they form bonds I'm #//like nah this is good behind the scenes content lemme just let it stay bc I'm weak for intermuse dynamics ok #a hundred thrown out speeches i almost said to you ( self paras )

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heartslogos · 3 years

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the declassified texts of the inquisition's elite [193]

(870): Let the record show that I hate your ass.

“Now I’m not a lawyer — “

“Clealry. I'd question whatever board passed you.”

“— but I’m pretty sure that we would not want it on record that one of our agents has it out for a party on the defense.” Max turns to Herah. “What in the world possessed you to text one of the people the Inquisition is actively taking to court and tell them you hate them?”

“I know I usually have it under control, but would you believe I have a wicked temper?” Herah replies.

“I would if you’d maybe sound a little bit angry right now.” Max pinches his fingers together. “Just put a little bit of effort into it, Adaar. Just a wee bit? To make it believable?”

“Speaking as the actual lawyer in the room, I have serious concerns.” Kallian rubs her temples. “How much of a prior history do you and the defendant have?”

“They’re part of a rival security force,” Herah answers. “I’ve been running into that mother fucker across Thedas competing for jobs for years. Smug asshole. He once shot me in the ass.”

“What did you do to him?” Kallian and Max ask immediately.

Herah grins, unrepentant and smug. “Blew up his car.”

“Gods above and Forgotten Ones locked below.” Kallian breathes out loud and harsh through her clenched teeth. “I can’t believe I thought I’d like you. I was tricked. Wool pulled straight over my eyes straight to my toes as Leliana abducted me into this mess. I’m too old to be tricked like this.”

“Are you quitting?” Max turns to her, eyes wide. “Please don’t quit. Or at least, if you are quitting don’t mention my name. Or allude to it. Or make any gestures towards my existence in general. Please? I’m rather happy not being in hot water with Leliana or Josephine. I so rarely am out of it, I’m enjoying my time.”

“I’m not quitting. Yet.” Kallian curls her fingers in Herah’s direction. “Give me your phone. I need to read through the rest of that text conversation to see how fucked we are if this makes it into court somehow. And I’m going to need you to tell me the rest of your history — is there anyone else who can back up your story? Who else is aware of this…rivalry?”

“Pretty much everyone on both teams. It’s mutual.” Herah unlocks her phone and slides it over. “You could ask anyone in the industry. Ask the Chargers. The Blades. You could probably even ask the Crows. The independent security industry is surprisingly gossipy. Everyone knows everyone else’s grief with each other. We’re all a bunch of close knit gossips. You can’t take a shit without someone in some other group asking you if you ran out of toilet paper.”

“Colorful.” Kallian’s lips twitch upwards as she scans through the texts. “So it’s old news, nothing new?”

“Nothing new. Something clearly known by pretty much everyone who’s worked with any kind of organized security or personnel force,” Herah confirms. “Alright. I admit that it isn’t that much better. But it’s not like it’s a dirty little secret. I hate that weasel’s guts and he hates mine back. We know where we stand with each other. But it’s never gotten in the way of professional — “

Max and Kallian cut her off with mutual stares of incredulous disbelief.

Herah pauses to reconsider her words.

“We’re professionals, even if I hate to use that word on him,” Herah says slowly. “If we need to work together we’ll do it. And if we’re working for opposing employers we’ll do what our employers tell us to. We stick to the bare bones of our jobs. I’m not going to go out of my way to accuse this guy of something that isn’t true. And he isn’t going to go out of his way to try and drag me down for some shit that I’m not even involved in. It’s professionalism. I swear.”

“You’re essentially hired muscle and that’s what the court is going to think of you both as,” Kallian says. “Their opinions of you both will be low enough as it is. Even with your current employment history with the Inquisition backing you up.”

She waves Herah’s phone. “This does not help.”

“Consider it like this — I’m making you work for your money. I’m giving you a challenge to rise to.”

“Rise to my fist.”

“Should I just show myself out now?” Max asks. “Leave you both to this? I can do that. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m here to start with.” He turns to Kallian. “Why am I here?”

“Because you’re also part of the lawsuit,” Kallian says. “Or at least, Josephine wants you assisting on this. I figured you’d be helpful since we’ve worked together before. Tricked again. Stupid me, huh? Damn. Every day I’m taken for a fool and it’s my own fault entirely. I should retire.”

“Before or after you finish this case? Just so we can let Josephine know we need a back up lawyer.”

“Herah, please do not antagonize the lawyer in charge of making sure we win this case and is also very good friends with Leliana.”

“Well, since you said please.” Herah rolls her eyes. “Seriously, Kallian. This shouldn’t impact the case too much. Get anyone to vouch for me, I’m able to put personal feelings aside for work. I do it all the time. I am a professional and I’m very good at my job, whatever job it is. There’s a lot of shit between me and this guy but if you asked him he’d say the same. And I’d say the same of him. The guy’s got issues but professionalism isn’t one of them. We know our jobs and we do them damn well. So. Feelings aside. The charges we’re leveraging against this guy’s main employer are not at all affected by prior working history. I’d swear it.”

“Good, you might have to.” Kallian hands Herah her phone back. “I want copies of all of these texts. And I want you to get me the contact information of anyone else who can back up your claims and testify about this professionalism of yours and his. Neutral parties. No one employed by the Inquisition — so Chargers are out. If you can get a Crow to vouch for you, do it. Even the most ignorant of laymen know the Crows and their reputation.”

#heartsfic #gather your party and venture forth

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yuniesan · 7 years

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The Cinderella Promise (RUCAS AU) - Chapter 12

Summary: Riley Matthews went to Las Vegas for her best friend and her Uncle’s joint Bachelor/Bachelorette party, but fearing that she would never find happiness she hides out in the hotel bar drinking away her sorrows. While there she meets a handsome stranger with a proposition that would change her life.

Billionaire Businessman Lucas Friar went to Vegas for a business meeting, but after being denied the CEO position at his family’s company, for being known as a player/heart-breaker, he comes up with a plan to win them over if only he finds the perfect “wife” to play the part.

One year was all he asked for, once the clock strikes twelve on their one-year anniversary they would go their separate ways.

But what happens with they start to fall for one another?

Chapters [0.5] [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11]

Chapter 12 – Sick

Riley could tell that something was bothering Lucas, ever since he had gotten home from work two days ago he’s been a little distant. With the lawsuit and their jobs, they hardly saw each other if it wasn’t involved with either. She missed and she wants to talk to him but she doesn’t know how, so she waits until he’s ready to talk but a week passes and nothing. Maya had come over to help her with some desserts she wanted to try and make for the business and she couldn’t help but confide with her friend what she was afraid of.

“Maya,” she says while looking down at the batter she’s mixing.

“Yeah Honey,” Maya says looking up at her with those blue eyes.

“Did Josh ever become distant all of a sudden?”

“You mean like he would stop talking to me, well there was that one year after I kissed him, but I don’t think that’s what you mean. Is something wrong Riley?”

“Well about a week and a half ago, well Lucas came home with this look on his face, you know the look, like someone kicked a puppy in front of you. And since then he hasn’t really talked to me and I miss that. We used to talk,” she said feeling dejected.

“Have you asked him? You know instead of being Riley and trying to wait until everything falls apart before you fix it.”

“Maybe I should talk to him tonight, I’m just afraid, there’s so much happening and I’m scared that it finally got to be too much.”

“Riley,” Maya grabbed her face with both hands and looked her in the eye. “Talk to him.”

“Okay Peaches,” she said smiling.

When they finished with everything Riley packed up sample boxes for everyone to try, one box for Maya and Josh, her parents, Farkle and Isadora, and even Zay and Vanessa because they had a date that night and Riley needed to get Vanessa ready for Zay’s sugar addiction. Riley sent Lucas a text message about dinner as Maya took the boxes from her and delivered them to everyone while Riley sat in her living room waiting for Lucas to come home. She set up candles, and their dinner around the coffee table, the desserts in the middle and a blanket for the floor. She even started a fire in the fireplace, opening the window in case it got too hot in the room. She waited on the couch until she fell asleep waiting for him to come home.

Lucas had stayed in the office longer than he wanted to, he had gotten a phone call from the lawyers in the case, since they had so much evidence against both Victoria and Logan, including the amount that had been taken from Riley. The lawyers wanted to talk about putting together a deal, Lucas wanted jail time for Logan regardless of anything the man was guilty of several crimes. They had come to an agreement in which Logan and Victoria had to pay Riley over three million in damages, on top of the money Logan had taken and the interest that she would have accumulated from her savings account.

Logan was also put on a federal watch list, in case he would think about committing the same crime against someone else, or even for insider trading. As well as a restraining order against both Logan and Victoria, so that they wouldn’t be able to be where Riley was or where he was. Victoria had protested the restraining order because she runs in the same circle as Lucas, but he didn’t budge on it. It was either the restraining order or they went to trial and someone would defiantly end up in prison. When he was done with the call he had spoken to Riley’s mother a little longer. She was interested in opening her own practice after all, because the tension in the office had become too much since the lawsuit. Lucas said he would open up a space for her to have, but she’d have to take Zay with her. Mrs. Matthews also said that she wouldn’t take her client list, and told him that it would be different if they willingly followed her and that included him, but Lucas automatically told her that he would continue doing business with her.

His phone rang as he was finishing up, “Hey Zay what’s up?”

“I just wanted you to tell Riley thanks for me, she gave me and Vanessa these desserts to try out and they were amazing, Vanessa has a big sweet tooth so we were both happy to try everything in the box,” Zay finished and that’s when Lucas remembered that Riley wanted to have dinner with him that night.

“Shit,” he said into the phone. “Zay I’ll tell her what you said, don’t come over tonight.”

Lucas hung up the phone and rushed out of the office, so much had happened that he had overlooked the time. He missed talking to Riley but because his Uncle had said what he did it made him afraid of hurting her like his parents had hurt each other. Only he had done it without thinking. Richard was waiting for him in the garage and he was grateful that he didn’t have to drive. He was so tired he didn’t know if he would have made it home without falling asleep at the wheel. When they got to his building he rushed to the elevator and went upstairs, he opened the doors to see Riley asleep on the couch, the fireplace was lit but the candles on the table weren’t.

He walked over to her and sat down, looking at her sleeping face, he brushed the few stray hairs that had fallen from her ponytail and kissed her on the lips. She stirred away and opened her eyes to look at him.

“Riley I’m so sorry, something came up at the last minute and that one thing turned into two, and I’m so sorry,” he said taking her hand.

“It’s okay, it’s just that,” she sighed as she put her head on his shoulder. “I feel like there’s this wedge in between us right now, we don’t really talk like we used to and you seem distant.”

“We can talk now,” he said. “We can eat and talk and make up for lost time.”

“Okay,” she said. “It’s a good thing I only made salads and not something that required heating.”

“I’ll go grab a bottle of wine, and we can talk.”

He felt guilty that they hadn’t really talked, he missed her, the way she would giggle when she found something funny, how she would make sure he had breakfast before he left, or when they cook together. He missed everything about her.

“So,” he said as he walked back. “I have some news to share.”

“Is it good or bad?”

“Both, more good than bad though.”

“Okay lay it on me,” she said as she took the wine bottle from his hands to open it up.

“The first piece of the news is that we’ve settled the lawsuit,” he said watching her face as she did a double take. “There’s a restraining order in place so that neither Logan or Victoria can come near us. They have to pay you the money that he stole, and for damages for when the story leaked. But neither one of them get jail time.”

“I don’t care about the jail time, I don’t want that part hanging over my head. I also don’t want the money,” she stopped and looked back up at him. “I just want the money they took from me and that’s it. I can donate the rest to charity.”

“That’s nice of you, I’ll have Iz look up a list of charities that you might be interested in,” he said as he started eating his salad. “There’s one more part to this that you might want to hear.”

“It’s not something weird is it because honestly there’s only so many surprises a girl can take.”

“No, it’s about your mother.”

“What about my mom?”

“Well we talked after we finished with the lawyers, and she decided to take me up on the offer to start her own practice, my only condition was that she had to take Zay with her, I don’t want him anywhere near their old firm.”

“Really,” she squealed and jumped up to hug him. “You won’t regret it, she would probably have move lawyers working for her than anything.”

“I don’t doubt that, she’s a very good lawyer.”

“Anything else?”

“My Uncle came by a couple of days ago,” he said to her, and went onto an explanation of what the man had said about his parents, omitting the fact that he had called Riley a bitch.

“He doesn’t sound like a nice man if he was willing to stop your parents from being happy,” she said when he finished. “Lucas, don’t stop talking to me please. It worries me.”

“I won’t I was just overthinking everything,” he yawned. “Come on let’s go to bed, I’m so tired.”

“I bet, you’ve been holding the world on your shoulders forgetting that I’m here to help you whenever you need me.”

They turned off the fire and cleaned up the living room, Lucas made sure to lock the windows and the door. As they walked upstairs Riley took his hand and put it around her shoulders, she yawned as she did it. They got ready for bed without talking, both of them tired, they snuggled up to one another and fell asleep in each others arms.

❤💜❤💜❤💜❤💜❤💜❤💜❤💜❤💜❤💜❤💜❤

Riley woke up the next day feeling like she was in a sauna, when she looked over at Lucas she noticed that he was sweating. The minute she touched his forehead she knew he was sick, he had carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and this is what he gets in return. She quickly got up and went to the bathroom to wash up, and then she sent Isadora a message that Lucas was sick. When she got back he was moaning in his sleep and she was worried that he would have to go to the doctor.

“Hey Lucas,” she whispered trying to wake him up. “I’m going to go get you some medicine from the pantry, and I’ll be back with some water and some food for you.”

He didn’t say anything, he hadn’t even woken up, instead he mumbled something she didn’t understand and rolled over to her side of the bed, hugging her pillows.

“You’re just too cute,” she said as she rushed downstairs. She made runny oatmeal in case he had a sore throat, and put it on a tray along with some cold and flu medicine, orange juice, even crackers just to cover her bases. When she got back upstairs Lucas was saying something, and moving around a lot, she set the tray down and took his hand. He immediately calmed down and went back to sleep.

Riley worked from her laptop, sitting on a chair next to Lucas so he would know that she was there. She made sure all the bills had been paid, and gave Richard the next few days off so that he wouldn’t get sick.

“Riley don’t leave me,” Lucas said and she looked at him. He was saying things in his sleep and it worried her that he was afraid of her leaving.

She took his hand and kissed it, “I’m not going anywhere.”

It went on like that until the next morning, she made sure he got up to eat, made him take a shower and use the bathroom. Whenever he was asleep he would call out to her, afraid that she had left him, but she assured him that she was not going anywhere.

She worked on her homework, and cancelled all the deliveries for the business because of illness, she made sure that he wouldn’t be alone even for a second. When he woke up he looked at her and smiled.

“Thank you,” he said his voice hoarse, she handed him some water and he drank it.

“No problem, it’s part of the vows,” she said smiling. She was tired but she wanted to make sure that they had food to eat. “I’m going to cook some soup so rest, I’ll be back soon.”

She set the soup to cook, adding everything she liked to eat and left it to simmer in the crockpot so that she wouldn’t have to check it too often and she went to sit down on the couch. She hadn’t realized that she had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for the food to cook.

Lucas was feeling a lot better, Riley had made sure that he had everything when he couldn’t do anything for himself.

“God, I love that woman,” he said wondering where she was, he had fallen asleep after she left, but it seemed as though she hadn’t come back.

He went downstairs to look for her, only to find her asleep on the couch, he wondered if she had slept at all while she was taking care of him. He knelt down to wake her only to notice that she had gotten his fever.

“Shit,” he said picking her up and taking her to bed, he took off her socks and jeans, he changed her clothes, into a simple t-shirt and his boxer shorts and tucked her in. He remembered she had said something about medicine in the pantry and went to check only grab the house phone and dialed her parent’s house.

“Hey Lucas,” Mrs. Matthews said from the other line. “Is there anything you need?”

“Yeah, Riley’s sick and usually she’s so organized with everything, but I’ve never taken care of someone when they were sick. Is there anything that Riley always liked when she was growing up that would make her feel better?” he asked hoping that she would help him.

“There’s a couple of things, she once wrote a story about a little princess who was lost she wrote it when she was seven, I used to read it to her whenever she got sick. My daughter the hopeless romantic was always talking about how her prince would come for her,” she laughed over the phone before continuing. “The book is still here, so I’ll stop by with it and some soup for her to eat.”

“Alright, I’m going to call into the office and wait until you come over,” he said.

As he was about to hang up she called out to him, “Lucas, one more thing, she hasn’t gotten this sick in years but when she was little and her fever started to be too much for her she used to lock herself in the closet, something about the monsters getting to her. So keep an eye on her.”

“Yes ma’am,” he said before hanging up the phone. He dialed Iz to tell her he wasn’t coming in but she said Riley already called the day before, and she hadn’t been sure when he would get better.

“I cleared out your schedule for the week, so you can both get better, and Lucas tell her thank you for the pastries she sent over the other day.”

“I will, thanks Iz,” he said.

“No problem boss,” she hung up before he could say anything else. He realized how much influence Farkle was having on her. She had become easier to talk to, she smiled more often and she didn’t drown herself in work.

He checked in on Riley and put a cold towel over her head, she slept soundly as he did his work from his side of the bed. She would snuggle up to his leg, but he was worried by how warm she was, even though she shivered as if she was cold. Her mother sent him a message that she was on her way up so that she wouldn’t wake Riley up. Lucas slowly moved making sure that she wouldn’t wake up, when he got to the door, Mrs. Matthews stood in the doorway with a bag smiling at him.

“We’re you sick too?” she asked and Lucas nodded.

“Mine only lasted for a day, I still feel a little sick but not as much, but when I woke up Riley was sick too. Sorry for making you come over.”

“Don’t worry, I made a large batch so you can heat up more later. Just take care of each other okay,” she said before turning around to leave.

“Thank you Mrs. Matthews,” he said and she smiled back at him.

Lucas closed the door and walked into the kitchen to grab some bowls for the soup, he put some in both bowls and put it on a tray so he could carry them, he grabbed a couple of bottles of water, he went to the pantry and grabbed some medicine for the both of them before walking back upstairs. Riley was still asleep but he knew she needed to take some medicine. Setting the tray on the bedside table and moved closer to Riley and pulled her up so that she was sitting up.

“Come on Riley you need to eat,” he said slowly waking her up. She grumbled but opened her eyes and looked at him.

“Sorry I’m sick,” she whispered.

“I gave it to you so it’s my fault, now let’s eat some of this and you can take your medicine so you can sleep.”

“Okay,” she said so lightly he almost didn’t hear her.

Instead of letting her pick up the spoon he held the bowl in one hand and spoon fed her the soup, she ate it slowly but he was happy that she was eating. When she finished he grabbed the water bottle and the medicine and had her drink it in small sips.

“Better,” he said and she nodded. “Go back to sleep.”

She snuggled back up to his leg and slept while he ate his soup, the book her mother had brought hadn’t made it upstairs so he ran down to get it and sat against the headboard watching Riley breathe. He opened the book to see a bunch of drawings made with crayons and pencils, under eat page there was a story. He couldn’t help but smiling, thinking that little Riley was sitting on the floor when she was little slowly drawing each page while she wrote her story.

“The Princess and the Cowboy,” he read out loud, thinking about what her mother had said. She liked this when she was little and he wanted to read it to her just to see if it would make her feel better.

“Once upon a time, there was a little princess that everyone loved,” he loved her too. “She helped out at home, and played with the flowers outside her window. Waiting for the day her Prince would come save her.” I’ll save you, he thought to himself smiling.

“One day she went out into the forest and got lost, her mommy and daddy were nowhere to be found. So the Princess called out for someone to help her, but no one heard her.”

He looked at the drawings, the princess was in a forest with purple birds in the sky, and the leaves were yellow and red.

“Suddenly a prince came riding up to her in a horse and asked her if she needed some help. ‘Are you my Prince?’ she asked him but he said no. ‘I’m a cowboy, but I can help you find your way.’ And so he helped her out of the forest.”

“A cowboy huh, maybe I’ll wear my cowboy hat and be your prince in real life,” Lucas said to a sleeping Riley.

“When they got to the castle grounds the Cowboy helped her over the gate, where her mommy and daddy waited. But when she turned around to ask him to come in and have chocolate with her, he smiled at her and rode away, saying ‘One day we will meet again’ as he rode back into the forest of trees.”

“What no happy ending,” he said as he was about to turn the page. Riley moaned and said something he didn’t understand before she rushed off to the bathroom and started throwing up into the toilet. Lucas quickly followed her and held back her hair, slowly running his hand up and down her back until she finished.

“Lucas, I don’t feel really good,” she said before she passed out on the floor in front of him. Her skin was hotter than before, and he didn’t know what to do.

“Riley,” he said hoping she heard him. “I’m going to call a doctor, I’ll be back.”

He rushed out of the bathroom to grab his phone and called his doctor, the doctor said to give her a cold bath and he would be over in an hour, but Lucas was scared as he picked her up off the floor. They should have the same thing but it had hit her harder and he didn’t want her to feel any pain. When he put her back to bed he sat there waiting, hoping that she would just wake up and smile at him.

“You’re my princess,” he said to her.

#rucas #liley #thecinderellapromise #the cinderella promise #au rucas #au liley #liley fanfic #rucas fanfic #rucas fanfiction #yuniesan #gmw fanfic #adult rucas #gmw fanfiction

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nancydhooper · 6 years

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Randazza: Trump, Twitter, The NFL, and Everything

By Marc J. Randazza

The NFL says that players must stand (or remain in the locker room) during the National Anthem. No more "taking a knee." In the same week, Trump lost a case that says that the "interactive space" in his tweets is a "public forum" and thus he can't block people who criticize him. And, perhaps I did too much LSD in the 80s and 90s, but I see the two as intertwined. The real problem we have is that freedom of expression is the crown jewel in the American enlightenment, but that jewel is tarnished by the fact that our public square is increasingly privately owned. Privatization of the "public square" threatens to render the First Amendment meaningless.

We gotta fix that – or the First Amendment will only really exist in a few tiny spaces — "free speech zones" surrounded (literally or figuratively) by fences to keep the nasty stuff inside.

The NFL

The whole "take a knee" thing needs little explanation. Starting in 2016, some NFL players protested racial inequality in policing by taking a knee during the national anthem before games. The protests began with San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick who initially sat during the anthem. He then had a talk with Nate Boyer, a veteran and former NFL player, who convinced him that sitting during the Anthem was disrespectful. However, the two agreed that taking a knee was a more reverent way to get the same message across.

Personally, I find the whole thing rather ineffective. Take a knee, don't take a knee. Nobody ever changed their mind about how cops behave or racism or anything over an NFL player taking a knee. But that isn't the test for whether the speech has value.

I may find the protest foolish, but I respect the hell out of Kaepernick for doing it. I support any player who wants to do it. If there's one thing that is supposed to differentiate the USA from the rest of the world, it is our purple-mountains-star-spangled commitment to freedom of expression. The second most patriotic thing we have is the National Football League.

Don't start with me with baseball, a boring ass adaptation of a crumpet-eating fairy-assed game from England that is primarily played by Dominicans. Basketball? Yeah, we invented it, but at its core it is a stupid game. Sure, we're the goddamn best at it, and unless we're playing it against the Croatians, we're going to win 101 times out of 100. The Canadians may have a "football league," but it would more appropriately be called the NFL's recycling bin. No other country even tries to compete with us in football. It is America's game. So it goddamn ought to reflect American values, as best it can.

Allowing protest and dissent ought to be ingrained at a chromosomal level if you think that you're amber-waves-of-grain entitled to wave the red, white, and blue.

So fuck the NFL for this policy.

And let me slap you across the face right now if you're starting with a comment like "well actually the NFL is a private employer, so it can have any policy it wants." This morning, I downed an entire mug of espresso, and 10 minutes later I took a huge shit that knows more about Constitutional law than you and your entire family ever will.

This isn't about what the NFL can do, it is about what it ought to do.

And dammit, the NFL ought to let its players take a fucking knee if they want to.

I will go get that shit out of the toilet and throw it at you, as if I were a caged chimp, if you start with the "oh, the NFL policy is just like Nazi Germany!" If that's your view, then correct it in the next 3 minutes, or you get sterilized when I am dictator. No, no, no, no, you fucking imbecile. Sure, Trump has expressed his view that you should "get out of America" if you don't stand for the anthem. That is a dumb-ass-moron position. But, it is hardly the government extending its hand down and pressing on the scale.

Do you think NFL players should shut up and do their job? Ok, fair enough. But, what makes you think that an NFL player can't be a voice of moral leadership? Remember Chris Kluwe? Back before it was cool to say you were in favor of gay rights, Kluwe had the balls to stand up and voice his support (I respected him for that). Did it matter? I think it did. Kluwe doesn't say much now, except for stalking articles about me, whining about who my clients are. Whatever, Kluwe, start shit with me and I'll just have my friend, Mercedes Carrera, intellectually kick your ass again.

But back to the subject at hand: If you think that the players ought to shut up and do their jobs and keep politics out of football, then lets try that.

No, lets really try that.

In 2015, Arizona Sens. Jeff Flake (R) and John McCain (R) revealed in a joint oversight report that nearly $5.4 million in taxpayer dollars had been paid out to 14 NFL teams between 2011 and 2014 to honor service members and put on elaborate, “patriotic salutes” to the military. Overall, they reported, “these displays of paid patriotism [were] included within the $6.8 million that the Department of Defense (DOD) [had] spent on sports marketing contracts since fiscal year 2012.” (source) (other source) (other source)

The NFL took millions of dollars in propaganda money from the military. So the WHOLE FUCKING THING is one big ball of political propaganda. At least the kneelers are honest and open about it. You fucking rubes who stand up during the anthem don't even remember that it wasn't even a thing until 2009. And, can someone remind me who was president during 2011 and 2014 when we were shoveling barrels full of taxpayer dollars into the pockets of billionaires to make sure that the uneducated slobs in the stands were sufficiently reminded of the message that "America" means bombing the living shit out of people thousands of miles away?

So lets put a pin in that… millions of taxpayer dollars flowing toward the NFL for propaganda purposes. And lets add in the billions that the NFL and its teams get in taxpayer subsidies.

Twitter (and all of Silicon Valley) – the New Censorship

After the 2016 election, the Left freaked the fuck out. Quite honestly, none of us thought Trump could be elected. And the morning after, the Trump derangement syndrome set in. Nowhere did it set in more heavily than in Silicon Valley. So, the platforms immediately got to work making sure that they did their part to ensure that we would have a "blue wave" washing away our sins. They got to work banning anyone perceived as "alt-right." It started with literal Nazis, and then it continued to those who might associate with them, to others who simply harbored conservative views. All of this was under the opaque guise of "safety."

It was all bullshit, and we all knew it. If you didn't know it, you were willfully blind.

I don't have a lot of love for Richard Spencer's speech. I don't even like Andrew Anglin's speech, and I'm his goddamn lawyer. I do like Milo Yiannopolous, but that's beside the point. The point is that they started with speakers that would be easy to ban — speakers who lots of people disliked. And they proved that there wasn't a goddamn thing we could do about it.

And very few people saw this as the alarming move that it was. But, as Twitter, Facebook, GoDaddy, PayPal, Stripe, etc. all got into line — shaving off a large percentage of right wing speech, the left cheered. Yay! Maybe we can win next time! Yay Resistance! Go fuck yourselves — you're not a member of any "resistance" unless you just might get captured or killed — and you're certainly not part of any "Resistance" when you control most of the new public square, and you use that virtually monopolistic power to shut down debate.

The fact is, Twitter, Facebook, and Google are the new public squares, and that gives them incredible power. And they are using that power exactly the way a power-drunk dictator would use it — to try and suppress speech they don't like. If you're on the Right, you bemoan. If you are on the Left, you're probably cheering it (just the opposite of the tribal alignment on the NFL issue). But, if you're on the Left and you're cheering it, you're also probably the kind of person who would let a rabid chimp out of its cage if you thought it would tear off your enemy's face — not realizing that it will also turn on you and rip your face off, and your balls, and then probably sodomize you as it ate the back of your head.

Because one day, the CEO of Facebook, Twitter, Amazon, or Google is going to want to run for president. And then, you fucking idiots, they'll have nothing stopping them from suppressing any and all speech that supports their opponents. You'll have the equivalent of Silvio Berlusconi buying power by owning all the private networks.

A few of us see this danger. That's why I volunteered to work on a case for Jared Taylor, suing Twitter for banning him. Twitter filed an Anti-SLAPP motion, and we just got our opposition in. (Complaint, Memo ISO Anti-SLAPP, Opposition to Anti-SLAPP). The case went pretty well so far – if you want to read the transcript, here it is. At least one judge found that the suit has some merit — at least enough to move forward.

Naturally, many have criticized the case — especially since there are many who find Section 230 to be something worthy of religious devotion.

Section 230, for the uninitiated, is a law that was passed during the Clinton administration, which gives Silicon Valley immunity from virtually all lawsuits based on content provided by others. This is why you can post something obviously defamatory on Twitter, and even if Twitter knows it is defamatory and knows it is harming you, it can, and will, say "Fuck you, See 47 U.S.C. § 230."

Now when the Silicon Valley giants said "Fuck you, Section 230" in the past, it at least had some semblance of philosophical honesty in it. Until recently, Silicon Valley loved freedom of speech. The whole promise of the Internet was that we were going to see an explosion of diversity of thought. For a brief period, we did. Some of it was awesome — and some of it was not. We got more porn, more humor, more political engagement, Mr. Spock Ate My Balls, and we also got racist websites, sexist websites, and every other kind of scoundrel online that we could think of. But, we all expected that the marketplace of ideas would flourish. I would like to say it did.

Then came 2016.

In the lead up to the election and in the aftermath of it, the Left lost its fucking mind. Campuses went into overdrive banning speech they didn't like, and Silicon Valley gleefully followed suit. And we on the Left, who once hated corporations and hated the control they might have had over the market, cheered. (I didn't, but as a Leftist myself, I have to accept guilt for my tribe's sins).

Might Trump's Thin Skin Save Us?

Trump is the first "Twitter President." It makes me want to bash my head into the wall to type those words, but here we are.

He got sued for blocking critics on Twitter, and much to my surprise, a judge in the Southern District of New York held that Twitter is a "public forum" — well, at least in part. You see, she couldn't bear to actually rule that Twitter is a new public forum. I think it is. My view is consistent with the old Pruneyard decision. Pruneyard Shopping Center v. Robins, 447 U.S. 74 (1980). In that case, since the California constitution has an affirmative right to free speech, it could be interpreted as requiring private property owners to allow petitioning on their property, if it is a public space. This decision is not without its detractors. If you're a private property rights guy, you might hate this decision — because it does force a private property owner to allow speech it doesn't like on its private property. But, I think that if free speech means anything, it can't simply be the victim of progress moving the town square to an enclosed shopping mall, or even online.

The judge in the Trump case held:

we consider whether forum doctrine can be appropriately applied to several aspects of the @realDonaldTrump account rather than the account as a whole: the content of the tweets sent, the timeline comprised of those tweets, the comment threads initiated by each of those tweets, and the “interactive space” associated with each tweet in which other users may directly interact with the content of the tweets by, for example, replying to, retweeting, or liking the tweet. (Op. @ 41)

She had to rule against Trump. So, she created a new "public forum" limited to the comment threads in public officials' twitter feeds.

I think her decision is open to attack. I could see a pretty clean "Twitter isn't a public forum" decision. I could also see "Twitter is a public forum." But, this half-way decision is bullshit. Lets look at it this way: Twitter bans you because you make fun of Leslie Jones' face. Now you're banned also from the "public forum" of your President's tweets. If we were to analogize it, lets say there was a public park, designated for free speech activities. We privatize the area you have to go through to get into the park. The company that owns that area you have to go through just lets anyone go in and out. But, one day they decide that they just don't want to let anyone in who has ever been a proponent of legalizing marijuana, or who claims that there is a "wage gap," or who supports "Black Lives Matter."

Hey, it is a private property owner. Tough shit if they won't let you on their property. The free speech zone is there for you if you can maybe teleport into it.

So, the Trump decision is, perhaps, the crack in the wall. But, that leaves us with the NFL, and it also leaves us with the possibility that the 2d Circuit throws out this intellectually dishonest decision.

We have the power to break this

So what the fuck do we do?

The First Amendment is a wonderful thing, but what happens if the government just decides to give away all its public spaces to corporations and individuals who support its views? Don't laugh… in San Diego, the government let a huge crucifix go up on public land in a clear establishment clause violation. Federal court ruled against the government, so the government "sold" the little circle of land that the cross was on to a private group. Private group then kept the cross up on its land. That was deemed constitutional by a three member panel of the 9th Circuit.

So how do we fix it?

How about the First Amendment restoration act?

"No private entity may receive any governmental funds nor receive any statutory immunity unless it agrees to be bound by the First Amendment as if it were a government actor."

Why not?

Imagine if the NFL had to choose between receiving taxpayer funds or allowing its players to exercise their First Amendment rights. Imagine if Facebook had to choose between Section 230 immunity and incorporating the First Amendment into its terms and conditions.

Imagine if the First Amendment got the shot in the arm that it desperately needs.

Are there problems to be worked out here? You bet. How would I apply this to the comments section here, at Popehat? Maybe that's a bit too small of an actor to be subject to this Act? I've run this by some smart people — one suggested having it only apply to any companies that might be publicly traded or federally or state regulated. That way we would have just the giants, banks, etc. That might work.

What is clear is that what we have now is a road toward disaster. Because these private constraints on public speech are getting worse, more opaque, and more restrictive — and if we don't do something soon, we won't ever be able to get a handle on it.

And then you'll be left with a First Amendment that only applies in the gazebo in your public park, on alternate Thursdays.

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blunder-x-blog · 7 years

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the blxnder summer music recap

the staff

As the summer is finally closing out and we officially transition into fall, this week we’re rewinding back to June (for the nostalgia, of course). The music release scene of 2017 went from “okay, Run the Jewels and Khalid were good, but this is no 2016 to holy shit where did all of this come from this summer. Okay, it was mostly Lorde’s album, but still. This week we’re bringing you everything this summer that you somehow missed and need to catch up on, and what’s worth skipping to listen to LCD Soundsystem’s new album yet another time.

You need to listen:

Lorde // Melodrama -- Obviously.

Arcade Fire // Everything Now -- Arcade Fire did disco and it works so well. Pitchfork (and apparently the rest of the world) somewhat disagrees. On par with the Suburbs, far better than Reflektor, not quite Funeral. And “Signs of Life” has kind of been our song of the summer.

SZA // Ctrl -- If you ever needed an album to sum up the obscurity and eloquence of escape room, this was that album through your summer months. Sexuality, love, hurt, nostalgia, everything that you’d want in an album that sounds really sexy but is actually there to make you cry.

Mura Masa // Mura Masa -- The unexpected dance hit of the summer. Collaborations include the likes of Charli XCX, ASAP Rocky and Christine and the Queens. Super enjoyable fun dance electronica with the slightest undertone of pc-type bubblegum and just a smidge of house from Guernsey.

Vince Staples // big fish theory -- Staples is an artist who is constantly pushing and evolving his music. Rather than the off-tuned, dissonant, rambling quality of his first album (still excellent), much like Kanye moving from 808 and Heartbreak to My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, he goes big. There’s songs produced by SOPHIE...need we say more.

Haim // Something to Tell You -- More fun disco and also slap bass. Alana gets an entire verse to a song (still waiting on a full song with her on lead vocal). There’s a song that sounds like Imogen Heap, and “Right Now” is a masterpiece. Definitely worth a spin, even if not quite as good as their debut.

Halsey // hopeless fountain kingdom -- Honestly going in, was expecting Halsey to be fairly mediocre but fun. This album far exceeded those expectations. Good beats, surprisingly deep lyrically, and of course, she teamed up with Lauren Jauregui and “Strangers” is a thing of beauty.

Passable if you’re crunched for time, but still worth a spin

Kesha // Rainbows -- If you’re going to be screwed by your producer and sexually assaulted, and successfully win the consequential lawsuit leaving to do your own thing, obviously the next album you release is going to be all over the place (only reason it’s not a huge priority) and a “fuck you” to all the shit you dealt with. And it’s going to be fucking fun.

Sufjan Stevens, Bryce Dessner, Nico Muhly, James McAllister // Planetarium -- Personally, we thought this album was un-fucking-real. That being said, it’s a lot of beeps, it’s a lot of boops, and there’s about 30 minutes of instrumental music on the album. “Saturn” is worth a listen, as is “Jupiter”, “Mercury”, “Pluto” and “Moon”. Much more than that, and it’s mostly just experimental electronic classical music, if that’s your thing.

Ani Defranco // Binary -- Ani Defranco is talented. She has over 20 albums out, so she has perfected the craft. This album is a very good chill album to put on if you want a bit of blues and some fun anti-patriarchy lyrics, but it isn’t really anything different than what she’s been doing since the 90’s.

Sheer Mag // Need to Feel your Love -- If you want crunchy female vocals, bluesy garage guitar and thrumming drums ala blues festivals on the shores of Brooklyn while you eat barbeque with other hipsters and bearded guys still wearing their work overalls, give this one a listen.

Hyped but you really can pass on these ones

Alt-J // Relaxer -- Fine music, but much like the Killers, the chances of alt-J writing something better than An Awesome Wave is just so low that it’s basically impossible. “Deadcrush” and “Adelaide” are worth a listen, everything else is pretty much passable. If you want alt-J in your life, let’s be honest, you’re just going to listen to An Awesome Wave again.

Bleachers // Gone Now -- It’s Jack Antonoff, and he knows how to have a good time. But it was no Strange Desire, and unlike HAIM, it wasn’t quite memorable enough to keep it going through the summer.

Fleet Foxes // Crack-Up -- Obviously Fleet Foxes is a chill jam. It’s beautiful folk music, and it’s what Fleet Foxes are good at. Robin Pecknold’s voice can lull me to sleep any day. And it mostly does that.

Imagine Dragons // Evolve -- The same thing they’ve done for the past two albums. If you’ve heard “Believer” on the radio, you’ve heard this album.

Katy Perry // Witness -- Yes, Katy Perry changed the face of pop in the late 00’s and is an iconic EDM pop figure. Yes, Taylor Swift screwed her over by dropping her discography on the same day as this album’s release. Regardless, Perry has always been excellent as a digital singles artist, and the few songs on the album that have that quality are fun (“Swish Swish” is fun, but maybe only because of Nicki Minaj). You’ve probably heard everything this album has to offer from the songs on the radio.

Fifth Harmony // Fifth Harmony -- Losing Camila Caballo was a bullet wound that Fifth Harmony could not afford, especially if they want to stay in the public loop. While we wish this album could have been something great, it was ultimately forgettable pop nonsense. Go listen to “Strangers” if you want to see Lauren Jauregui shine, and we’ll hope they can make a comeback with the next go around. Just another nail in the coffin of the quickly-becoming-irrelevant-concept of the girl group.

Tyler the Creator // Flower Boy -- Yes his music is good, but the reason he is in this category? Go read Sara Quin of Tegan and Sara’s infamous response to his music, if you’ve somehow missed out. Bigotry is intolerable here at blxnder. Go listen to Mura Masa instead.

#music #blxnder

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canaryatlaw · 7 years

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Okay damn it's late but it's alright cuz I can sleep in tomorrow and I took another accidental dozed off in the middle of my books naps tonight, lol. It was around 5:30 when I was like I'm just gonna rest my eyes for a few minutes, and the next thing I knew it was 9 pm, lol. Whoops. I was all around lazy today and waking and such, idk what that's necessarily about, but I was apparently unwilling to get out of bed in the morning so I convinced myself I could skip the service and just go with the babies, then sleep extra and just uber to church, so I did that and points for being lazy, lol. The nursery was pretty light, my other person did show up but then got recruited to go to the preschoolers room because they had like, 20 2-3 year olds running around and we had like, one baby at this point lol and they knew I could handle a bit more chaos than that on my own. We ended up getting 3 with another girl willing to stay with me which I appreciated of course, though I probably could've gotten through it on my own, it was very smooth, not a tear dropped by anyone the whole time, which is quite impressive I assure you. The girl who was a bit older kept going back to the gate and trying to climb it for a while (they do that a lot, we call it them trying to break out) but every time I managed to get her to come back and play. Then there was that sweet little boy we had last week that's just such a cute little chunker and he'll just sit and be perfectly happy with a toy for an entire hour, haha he was so sweet and of course no trouble. The last one was the little 6 month old girl who's the daughter of one of the ladies on the team, I've talked about her before because she is soooooo cute. She has gotten fussy in the past and we'd had to text her mom a few times, but I knew her mom had fed her right before the service so I didn't anticipate any problems and we didn't have any. I wish I could show you her cute little smile, it's just the most adorable thing. So we played with all of them, nothing too crazy. At one point I had the little girl on my lap and the older girl decided she also wanted to be on my lap haha so I had to do some shifting to make sure nobody was gonna get sat on, but other than that we managed just fine, so I'm calling that a win (really any nursery day with not a single tear shed is a major win, because that's damn near impossible really). Talked to a few people on my way out, and passed the family of the cute little girl who used to always be in the nursery with me but has now moved on to the twos, and while I was like, still a bit down the hallway she sees me and is immediately like "hi!! Hi!!!!" and waving at me and she's just the cutest little thing. At some point we're gonna end up restructuring how we split the kids up, instead of just by age we're gonna do it by mobility, so we'd have the younger babes who can't crawl or anything in one area, and then the crawlers in another and the walkers in another, hopefully all somewhat interconnected, I don't know all the details but hopefully it means I'll get to see some more of her. The way we have it now is generally fine, and the older kids are usually very gentle with the little ones, but kids still learning to walk trip and stumble and we wouldn't want them doing that onto another baby if we could help it, lol. So after that I headed home, and when I got off the train I saw I had some time before the next bus was gonna come, so I decided to take the donut shop up on their offer for half a dozen free donuts, so I got in there and asked for the manager like I'd been told, and I talked with him for a few minutes because he just really wanted to understand the situation, like he had the video footage of it but that can only explain so much. So of course I said I didn't want to get anyone in trouble and I knew it wasn't malicious or any ill-intent on their part, and I knew they had policies they had to follow, but I thought it was an oversight that could've been dealt with better and wanted to make them aware of it so hopefully next time it's handled better. So of course he thanked me for saying something and bringing it to their attention, and that they have to deal with different individuals causing trouble in the store sometimes but they would never want to actively put someone in danger so he appreciates me telling him about the situation. For the donuts, I told him he could just give me an assortment of his favorites (sans nuts of course) and so he did and I headed over to the bus stop and hopped on the bus home. It was around 3:30 at this point so I wanted to get to work, so I pulled out my stuff and kept working on my paper, trying to work on the stuff that I'd actually need for my presentation. The actual paper is up to 16 pages now and has a good amount of the substance written, it's just a matter now of coming up with things like a budget, and a strategic plan going forward and board of directors, and all that other boring shit lol but hopefully I won't need that for the presentation. I did write something up about fundraising efforts, so hopefully that will suffice for talking about the money side of things (I'm not particularly worried there, I have plenty of info to talk about so I'm not gonna run out of things to say). Apparently after two hours I passed out with my laptop still on lap (like it actually was) and woke up at 9, lol, so I called it a night for working on the project since I had everything I think I needed, and I'd just use it to create an outline since he doesn't want us reading from a paper, I figure if I have short cues about an issue I can talk about it plenty without the assistance of my paper since this is all stuff I'm super passionate about (that's the hope anyway, I'll still probably have my paper up there with me, but hopefully I won't have to use it much). While I did this and other computer stuff, I turned 13 Reasons Why on and watched episodes 6-10, and I gotta say, damn, this show is so heavy. Like, obviously I knew that going in. But the grief is just so heart wrenching to watch, especially from her parents. And I think that hits me so hard because looking back on my own teenage years I can see now what my killing myself would've done to my family, and it just would've utterly destroyed them. I have this image in my head of my mom finding my unresponsive body, hanging from the ceiling fan in my room (and I have no idea where that came from because that was never something I ever considered) and her just screaming and screaming over and over and it just haunts me to know that I could've done that to my family because I simply couldn't see past all of the despair and hopelessness that had completely taken over my life. And I can just think how happy I am that I held on. That I didn't do that to my family. That I never put them through that. I would never want to hurt my parents like that, or even my brothers- I still harbored a lot of anger towards them at that point because I felt they had ruined my childhood and were the major reason I was dealing with all of this now, I wouldn't want this to be something that haunted their entire lives when they were admittedly still kids too. I don't even want to start talking about my sister because we'll be here all night and I don't really feel like crying any more (I've shed a few tears writing this so far) and I already detailed my feelings there in my post from the other night if you are really curious. I just....for all the criticism the show is getting from the mental health community, and much of it is very valid criticism, I think they're doing a very good job of showing the effects of suicide on those they left behind. The whole blame game approach isn't really a healthy one, but I think it could definitely have an effect on a kid who's having issues, for them to see just how much her death affected everyone she left behind. As far as the actual plot, I'm very glad Clay actually leveled with his mom about his friendship with Hannah and just how much it was affecting him. I don't think we'd get this scene, but I would SO love to see Clay's mom storm into her big power fancy law firm and tell them they can take their case and shove it because she refuses to be a part of something like that. Like I don't think they'd show that but I really wish they would. It's strange though, because the lawsuit subplot wasn't in the books, and honestly for me it changes everything I want to happen at the end of this- like I find myself actively wanting the tapes to be exposed and used at the trial, and just absolutely rip the school to shreds for all the ways they failed this poor girl. I know that would have personal repercussions likely for the other people on the tapes, but that would really feel like justice for me. Now, I kinda doubt that's gonna happen because it would be a major deviation from the book and the book's general premise, but I would like to say it. Okay, I think that's most of what I had to say about it. Watched the sexual assault scene like that was horrific and could definitely be triggering for survivors, but I am glad they included it to show just how awful what they were talking about really was. Okay, I think that's really it. And that ends my day, and I could get to bed being that it's now almost 2:30 am. Goodnight my babes. Stay sweet.

#daily journal #April 2017

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writingsubmissions · 7 years

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UFC Fight Night 103 Preview

WHAT'S HAPPENING: *Well, UFC 207 didn't go exactly as planned. UFC 208 was built around "Ronda Rousey: She's Back", and it wound up being "Ronda Rousey: She's Gone" quicker than anyone could've expected, as Amanda Nunes got her out of there in just 48 seconds, pretty much bashing Rousey's face in at will until the referee stopped the fight. And oh, how the hot takes rained down, from Rousey's mental state to her coaching to the bizarre viewpoint that she was an all-hype creation of the liberal feminist agenda, because people like that exist now - the whole thing just brought out the worst in MMA fans and sports media in general. But anyway, I lean towards this being more of a coaching problem, and, well, we should all pretty much just listen to Nunes, who criticized Edmond Tarverdyan for convincing Rousey she was a boxer - even if Tarverdyan was a good coach (which an increasing amount of data suggests he is not, at all), he's a horrible fit for Rousey's skill-set, as she is at her best when using her physicality to just bull-rush opponents, while Tarverdyan was trying to train her to become...some sort of outside boxer? The fight was so quick and one-sided it's not even clear, but it appears the gameplan was for Rousey to hang back and wear out Nunes, which is fine in itself, but it didn't really appear that Tarverdyan really gave Rousey any tools to actually do that, and once she got hit, Rousey showed the same flaw as in the Holm fight where she becomes sort of like a video game boss, becoming enraged and letting down her defenses as soon as her weak point is hit. So that just left her more hittable, and Nunes hits like a truck, and with her coaches not really offering up much of a plan B, things just sort of careened out of control with Rousey being too tough to go down but too out of it to not keep getting hit until things mercifully got stopped. In the immediate aftermath, my concern was for the mental health of Rousey, but it does seem like she's taking this loss a lot better than the Holm one, if still not particularly well. And, honestly, I wouldn't be entirely surprised if she's back again - the one-sided nature of his loss makes me wonder if a lot of her non-MMA marketing opportunities might dry up, and if she's willing to rebuild her game from the ground up, find a new coach that suits her skills, and is willing to change her mental approach to the game, she can actually probably be a championship-level fighter again. Hell, I think she can still probably beat anyone in the division who doesn't have the combination of great athleticism and a great camp, and that alone still makes her about a top-five fighter. But if this is it, hopefully she won't be remembered as a hype job or a flash in the plan or anything, but instead as someone who marked an inflection point in the progression of women's MMA as it moved from the pioneers of the sport into the top-level athletes, similar to, I don't know, a Mark Coleman or someone on the men's side, although Rousey had both the benefit and the downside of doing it on a much bigger stage. And as for Nunes, hopefully UFC does something with the sudden new face of the women's bantamweight division - Nunes came off outstandingly well in what little media she did leading up to the card (oh, yeah, the card also did on par with Rousey's biggest fights on pay-per-view despite being on Friday with little promotion) and gave a pretty great performance after the fight, first shushing Rousey's corner in the immediate wake of the knockout, and cutting an interview that was both jovial and completely ice cold about how she's the new face of the division, she always knew she was going to "beat the shit" out of Rousey, and that Rousey has her money and can go do movies, so everyone should recognize herself as the new queen of the bantamweight division. Nunes obviously won't draw the same that Rousey did, but with Nunes's poise, violent fight style, and even the angle of being the first openly gay champion in UFC history, UFC has someone they can market if they, for once, think a little bit outside the box. *In the wake of UFC 207, where the buyrate came in at probably mattered more for Cody Garbrandt than anyone else - Nunes was going to get headlines no matter what for running through Rousey so quickly, but it was Garbrandt that had the starmaking performance on the show, completely dominating Dominick Cruz at his own game en route to a fairly one-sided upset for the bantamweight championship. Garbrandt was unproven rather than showing off that he outright couldn't do what he did here, but it was still a shocking virtuoso performance, as Garbrandt proved to be the first guy too quick for Cruz - while Cruz typically relies on darting in and out without getting hit and often waiting for his opponents to initiate, it was Garbrandt that was dodging Cruz's offense and hitting back with power. It was just shocking to see Cruz basically in the role of a lot of his past opponents - too scared off to really do anything without getting hit on the counter, but needing to do something in order to win the fight. To his credit, Cruz tried - and showed some ridiculous toughness in getting back up from shots that have stopped a lot of other fighters - but Garbrandt looked so quick here that I'm honestly not sure how a second fight between the two looks much different. Garbrandt also came off quite well in his post-fight interview, giving his belt to Maddux Maple, a young cancer survivor that Garbrandt befriended a few years back, and it was really just perfect - Garbrandt's a guy with a marketable look (good looks plus neck tats), an exciting fight style, and enough poise to handle himself well. It'll be interesting to see where he goes from here, in what's quickly becoming one of UFC's most interesting divisions, and he seems to have a pretty fascinating first opponent already lined up... *It's hard to argue with Garbrandt getting the title shot here in retrospect, but former champ T.J. Dillashaw, who most felt deserved it, confirmed that he's among the elite 135ers with a one-sided win over John Lineker. Lineker was streaking towards a title shot of his own, but Dillashaw showed he could sort of turn back the clock a bit, relying more on his wrestling in just overwhelming and pretty much beating the shit out of Lineker, who, to his credit, broke his jaw early yet was still seemingly unfazed as he repeatedly got hit in the face. But anyway, if it wasn't for Garbrandt, Dillashaw probably had the best performance on the card, so it seems like that's the fight to make, though Garbrandt also still seems open to a Cruz rematch. And to his credit, Dillashaw is actually already trying to sell the fight, citing that he knocked out Garbrandt in training when they were sparring partners back at Team Alpha Male. Given that there's ready-made drama, with Garbrandt taking the spot as prized pupil at Alpha Male that Dillashaw had before he turned traitor, and the fact that it'd be an awesome fight, let's do this. *There honestly wasn't a ton else going on on this card in terms of action - Dong Hyun Kim won an absolutely dreadful decision over Tarec Saffiedine that rewarded his aggressiveness instead of any real effectiveness, and the opener of the main card saw Ray Borg get an impressively one-sided win over Louis Smolka, though Smolka looked oddly flat and Borg's win was marred by him missing weight. Speaking of missing weight, Johny Hendricks blew weight again for his first against Neil Magny and then lost a close decision - basically, the fight was a lot of Hendricks relying on his wrestling to control Magny, but not really do much of anything while Magny remained quite active. Hendricks apparently plans to move up to middleweight, which he kind of has to at this point, but he was already undersized for 170, so I'm not really sure how well that's going to go. As far as other stuff, Alex Garcia knocked out Mike Pyle in rather brutal fashion as Pyle's age has seemingly finally caught up to him, the debuting Niko Price tapped out Brandon Thatch, continuing to show Thatch's complete lack of grappling skill, and what looked to be a fun opener between Tim Means and Alex Oliveira just got weird. Means nailed Oliveira with an obviously illegal knee while Oliveira was kneeling on the ground, but both Means and Joe Rogan on commentary (along with Marc Ratner, who's there to clarify the rules despite never seemingly knowing them) cited the "three points of contact" rule, saying that Means's knee was in fact legal, since Oliveira had neither a hand or his other foot down at the time he got hit. But, well, the problem is that rule doesn't actually exist, and it's pretty unclear where anyone got that idea from. Anyway, Oliveira milked the knee, even getting taken out on a stretcher despite being fine shortly thereafter, but didn't get the disqualification win he probably hoped for, as the referee ruled the knee was accidental (though Means later said it was intentional, which it obviously was, even though he probably wouldn't have thrown it had he known the actual rules), and thus the fight was ruled a no contest. Just an absolute masterpiece of stupidity all around. *So, Mark Hunt is suing UFC. Hunt was announced for a fight with Alistair Overeem at UFC 209 a few weeks back, but that got thrown into question for a bit, as Hunt insisted on a clause that he would get Overeem's purse if Overeem popped for any drugs. But, eventually Hunt took the fight, citing a need to keep getting income, and now this lawsuit is happening, as he's suing UFC, Brock Lesnar, and Dana White for a number of charges, including racketeering and fraud. Basically, Hunt cites the 2012 controversy involving Vitor Belfort's fight with Jon Jones, where UFC officials apparently ignored multiple notices that Belfort's testosterone levels were illegally high, and the fact that Hunt is coming off fighting three straight drug abusers, as a pattern of UFC continually ignoring a level playing field and fighter health in favor or just getting money-making fights done. He also alleges that the Lesnar fight was in the works as far back as March of last year, but UFC knowingly held off on Lesnar officially signing to protect him from drug testing, knowing they could waive a USADA provision that requires a fighter returning to UFC to undergo four months of drug testing. Also, he cites the incentive structure in place that, given the one-off nature of Lesnar's fight, basically gave him the ability to profit by millions of dollars if he juiced, without affecting any future job prospects. Now, I'm not sure how Hunt is going to go about proving a lot of this - there's evidence UFC and Lesnar were talking as far back as March, but I'm not sure how you can prove the deal was ever one hundred percent certain - so I don't think he has much of a chance of winning, but given some of the crazy court cases we've seen lately (like Hulk Hogan apparently being able to argue his sex tape wasn't a concern because his character, Hulk Hogan, has a different sized penis than Terry Bollea the man), who knows how this all shakes out. *UFC 207 wasn't the only big MMA event happening around New Year's, as a few groups ran big shows around the same time, led by RIZIN's doubleheader on the 29th and the 31st. It was PRIDE matchmaking at its...finest?, so let's go through some of the bizarre highlights. Mirko Cro Cop became suddenly resurgent in Japan, without drug testing - funny how that works - winning RIZIN's big openweight tournament; he knocked out King Mo, the favorite to take the whole thing, in the main event of the first night, which was impressive, and then ran through a 400-pound Estonian sumo and an Iranian wrestler who had been banned from the sport due to repeated steroid violations, because Japan. Cro Cop then announced his retirement - yet again - after the tournament took place, but he's already talking about one more farewell fight in Japan, which may be a new record for him. As far as relevant fights, the biggest result on the card was probably Kron Gracie tapping out Tatsuya Kawajiri in the co-main of night two - as a reminder, Kawajiri was just fighting toe-to-toe with Cub Swanson just this past August, so for Gracie to get him down and submit him in only his fourth professional fight is a huge accomplishment; it looks like we have a Gracie that's relevant in 2017, and he might just be the best prospect in the sport at the moment. And on the complete opposite spectrum, we had Gabi Garcia, an absolutely massive (roided-out) former BJJ champ, against 48-year old former professional wrestler Yumiko Hotta. Hotta decided to play to the crowd and run the ropes, but Garcia just grabbed her and beat the piss out of her for a 41-second beating, so, yeah, that was weird. And then we wound up getting a battle on the mics between Garcia and Cris Cyborg, who was cornering Garcia, against Hotta and Shinobu Kandori, the 52-year old former professional wrestler who was Garcia's original opponent. And then another former professional wrestler, giantess Marie Gabert, apparently now going under the name "Jazzy Alpha Female", stormed the ring and challenged Garcia as well. It was...something I couldn't turn my eyes away from, I'll give them that. Japan. *World Series of Fighting also ran a show on New Year's Eve, which was...something. WSOF's probably the number three promotion in the US, but its existence has always been weird, as they've paid out big-money contracts thanks to a whole bunch of mysterious owners, which suggests the promotion may just be an entire pyramid scheme, and there's been a ton of conflicts of interest with MMA manager Ali Abdelaziz acting as a matchmaker and front office executive. Not to mention all the weirdness of Abdelaziz's past, which suggests that he's in tight with a number of Russian oligarchs and various terrorist organizations, and may have been recruited by the United States government to act as a mole in some Middle Eastern terrorist groups before they decided he may have turned double agent. So, yeah, WSOF's weird. Anyway, in good news, Steve Case, co-founder and former CEO of America Online, is apparently in talks to buy a big chunk of the company, which would give them more to stay afloat. On the downside, well...this show, from the theater at Madison Square Garden, featured four title fights, with all four of the featured champions retaining. So that's good. But lightweight champ Justin Gaethje, bantamweight champ Marlon Moraes, and Dave Branch, who holds both WSOF's light heavyweight and middleweight titles, are all apparently free agents, with Branch rumored to have already signed with UFC. And the fourth champ, former UFC contender and welterweight champ Jon Fitch, had a fight with Jake Shields that was about as boring as you wound expect, and after winning a decision, said he's pretty much retiring due to a bunch of injuries, compounded by the fact that apparently some scans of his brain have come back with some concerning results. So, WSOF just showcased a bunch of their top talent that may no longer be with the promotion after this, though the Case deal at least gives them enough money to offer Gaethje and Moraes to stay, particularly Moraes, who's an Abdelaziz guy. World Series of Fighting is weird, man. *Let's do a bunch of quick hits: Along with his suspension by the state of Nevada, Brock Lesnar has also been suspended for one year by USADA, allowing him to fight when...basically, he was going to fight anyway. Good work, guys. UFC officials apparently met with officials at the Kremlin to discuss bringing UFC to Russia - I hope we get an episode of Dana White's reality show where he has to fight a bear. Leister Bowling, the head of the Elevation Fight Team in Denver, which has developed guys like Matt Brown and Neil Magny, and became the landing spot for T.J. Dillashaw after his exodus from Team Alpha Male, is retiring and handing down the business to his sons. Former WWE and ESPN announcer Todd Grisham is getting a tryout with UFC, doing studio work and announcing for a few events starting with this Phoenix card. And, former lightweight champ Rafael dos Anjos has announced that he'll be moving up to welterweight. ------ BOOKINGS: *Not really a whole ton outside of the Tyron Woodley/Stephen Thompson title rematch finally being made official for UFC 209 in March, so let's do the chronological rundown once again: *I normally don't go into cancellations for cards that I'm currently previewing, since it being off the card should be apparent, but the situation with Jimmie Rivera on this Phoenix card was a bit interesting. Rivera was slated to face fellow top bantamweight contender Bryan Caraway in what was probably the best fight on this Phoenix show, but with Caraway hurt, UFC apparently came up with two replacements: John Dodson and Marlon Vera. Rivera chose Vera, and then about a day later, just decided to back out of the fight entirely, citing that a win over Vera, a non-contender, wouldn't do him any good, and with Vera fighting to get surgery for his daughter's rare nerve disease, he didn't want to stand in his way. Which...if he wanted to fight a contender, I'm not really sure why he didn't choose Dodson, though I will admit it doesn't seem one hundred percent concrete that fight was offered, even though Dodson was down for it on social media and it seemed to have at least been discussed. Anyway, Vera's now offended, and Rivera handled the whole thing poorly, though pretty much all of this is his right - I do hope we get that Caraway fight, since that did look to be an interesting one. *We move on to Denver in two weeks, as UFC realized they had yet to fill out an entire card for their Fox show and threw a whole bunch of stuff together. The most interesting new fight is featherweights Alex Caceres and Jason Knight squaring off in what looks like it might be the opener for the Fox card proper - Alan Belcher protege Knight came out of nowhere to have an impressive 2016, and as inconsistent as Caceres is, it should be Knight's toughest test yet in an exciting fight. A middleweight bout between Hector Lombard and Brad Tavares is off completely, so UFC added two other middleweights in Eric Spicely, who's coming off one of the biggest upsets of 2016 over Thiago Santos, and Italian prospect Alessio Di Chirico. And then there's some prospect fights - with Yancy Medeiros out, Chinese fighter Jingliang Li instead faces newcomer Bobby Nash, and with a fight against Ion Cutelaba in Brazil getting scrapped almost as quickly as it was announced, Henrique da Silva steps up here to face Jordan Johnson, considered one of the best prospects at light heavyweight outside of UFC. *Then we get some stuff for February - the Houston card over Super Bowl weekend has apparently just lost Evan Dunham, who's injured and out of his bout with Abel Trujillo, but added two fights - blue-chip Brazilian prospect Ricardo Ramos making his debut against Michinori Tanaka, and what's probably the last chance for Khalil Rountree, a talented striking prospect whose lack of a grappling game has been completely exposed, against Daniel Jolly, who was last seen getting beaten by Misha Cirkunov in his UFC debut in August of 2015. And UFC 208 in Brooklyn and the Fight Night show in Halifax added one fight each, both of which are a bit baffling - Brooklyn will see Jacare Souza step in against Tim Boetsch, who I guess was the best guy available, while former strawweight champ Carla Esparza will return in Halifax to face Randa Markos. Souza/Boetsch is a mismatch, but I can at least see how it happened - Souza was grousing for a fight, and Boetsch is least kind of a relevant concern as a well-known vet coming off two wins, the last of which was an impressive knockout over Rafael Natal. But Esparza/Markos baffles me - Esparza has been asking for a fight for months, and is one of the best fighters in the division, but needs to rack up some big wins in order to get anyone excited for a rematch with Joanna Jedrzejczyk, who took the belt from her in a rather one-sided destruction. But a fight against Markos does nobody any favors - Markos is coming off a loss and a bunch of flat performances and just obviously struggling, so I don't really see the point in giving her her toughest opponent yet when it also does nothing for Esparza. The one thing that literally just came to mind is that these two looked to be building towards a title fight back in late 2014, when they were at each other's throats while on the cast of TUF 20, but while there was a bunch of heat for that fight at the time, it's hard to see how much anyone can care about that now, particularly with Markos's struggles since. Hell, I wanted to see that fight as much as anyone at the time, and it says something that I've completely forgotten about it until about a week after this fight was booked. *The three cards in March added a bunch of stuff. As mentioned, the rumored Tyron Woodley/Stephen Thompson fight for UFC 209 is finally a reality, but it looks like the rumored Nick Diaz comeback won't be, as he's apparently uninterested in fighting Robbie Lawler, which was the fight UFC was trying to make. But we're getting some other fun stuff for that card, even if nothing is as big as that fight. First up, Mirsad Bektic, long considered one of the best prospects in the sport, will face Darren Elkins at featherweight - Elkins is pretty much the prospect-killer at 145 with his grinding style, but Bektic is an explosive wrestler, so it'll be interesting to see how those two fighters interact. Plus enigmatic heavyweight Todd Duffee returns to face Mark Godbeer, and we get a pretty solid fight between two light heavyweights coming off impressive debuts, as Scotland's Paul Craig faces Australia's Tyson Pedro. Two fighters, four first names. Oh, and Ed Herman returns to face Igor Pokrajac, which...certainly is a fight. After that, we head to Brazil, where two fights were announced, but Henrique da Silva/Ion Cutelaba, as mentioned above, was scrapped right after it was announced thanks to a Cutelaba injury. So that leaves an interesting fight at light heavyweight between Mauricio "Shogun" Rua and Gian Villante, a fight that's probably more relevant at light heavyweight than anyone wants to admit. Shogun is still dangerous, but shopworn and old at this point, while Villante is talented, but so defensively error-prone that either guy could win this fight and it wouldn't be surprising. And then we head to London, which added four bouts. The biggest fight is light heavyweights Jimi Manuwa and Corey Anderson going at it in a bout that may actually get the winner pretty close to a title shot - I don't think it's the main event, but given that the bout hasn't officially been announced yet and it's only a Fight Pass show, there's an outside chance it might be. Anyway, the other fights are all fairly interesting - Brad Pickett, fresh off losing to Urijah Faber, gets his retirement fight in his hometown against Mexico's Henry Briones, blue-chip British prospect Tom Breese moves up to middleweight to face Nigerian knockout artist Oluwale Bamgbose, and Vicente Luque, who's quietly putting together a really solid run at welterweight, faces top British prospect Leon Edwards. *And one last housekeeping note - it was kind of forgotten, since UFC never bothered announcing anything for it, but a slated show in Vegas on March 3rd, the day before UFC 209, has been cancelled, or per UFC, "postponed." That's not huge news in and of itself, but it does say something that given how rarely UFC has outright cancelled shows in the past, things have gotten so thin that they've now scrapped two cards just three months into 2017. ----- ROSTER CUTS: 1) Sean Pierson (14-6 overall, 4-2 UFC, last fought 6/15/13, W vs. Kenny Robertson): Pierson quietly confirmed his retirement on Twitter when someone asked him a few weeks back, though at forty and having not even been scheduled for a fight for over three years, it was all but a formality. Pierson never really stood out for anything - he was probably most notorious for getting fired as a police officer in Toronto once his employers discovered he used to go by the moniker "Pimp Daddy" Pierson. But Pierson had a sneaky amount of success - he won a late-notice debut over Matt Riddle, and then lost two tough fights against Dong Hyun Kim and Jake Ellenberger, both big asks. But he actually retires riding a three-fight winning streak, getting decisions over Jake Hecht, Lance Benoist, and Kenny Robertson. Pierson probably could've seen how far that momentum would take him, but he seems happy just chilling with his kids and being a normal guy, so good on him. ----- UPCOMING UFC SHOWS: 1/28 - UFC on Fox 23 - Denver, CO - Julianna Pena vs. Valentina Shevchenko, Donald Cerrone vs. Jorge Masvidal, Andrei Arlovski vs. Francis Ngannou 2/4 - UFC Fight Night 104 - Houston, TX - Dennis Bermudez vs. Chan Sung Jung, Alexa Grasso vs. Felice Herrig 2/11 - UFC 208 - Brooklyn, NY - Germaine de Randamie vs. Holly Holm, Travis Browne vs. Derrick Lewis 2/19 - UFC Fight Night 105 - Halifax, NS - Junior dos Santos vs. Stefan Struve 3/4 - UFC 209 - Las Vegas, NV - Tyron Woodley (c) vs. Stephen Thompson, Mark Hunt vs. Alistair Overeem 3/11 - UFC Fight Night 106 - Fortaleza, Brazil - Vitor Belfort vs. Kelvin Gastelum, Edson Barboza vs. Beneil Dariush, Mauricio Rua vs. Corey Anderson 3/18 - UFC Fight Night 107 - London, England - Corey Anderson vs. Jimi Manuwa ----- UFC Fight Night 103 - January 15, 2017 - Talking Stick Resort Arena - Phoenix, Arizona Well, the post-UFC 205 and post-UFC 207 hangover is officially here, as what was turning into a fun little tradition is instead giving us this weird, not particularly inspiring, card to kick off 2017. The last two years, UFC has run Boston over Martin Luther King weekend, and both times they pretty much hit it out of the park - 2015 gave us Conor McGregor's jump onto the big stage, as he was all over the media before knocking out Dennis Siver in the second round, and 2016 was a fun show from pretty much top to bottom, headlined by Dominick Cruz's insane comeback from injury to unseat T.J. Dillashaw as bantamweight champ. And while this show will probably still do huge ratings thanks to being plugged during NFL playoff football, UFC isn't exactly putting their best foot forward - they've ditched Boston for Phoenix, and the big hook here is the return of two-weight class legend B.J. Penn, who somewhat amusingly has gone from pay-per-view undercard to Fight Pass headliner to FS1 headliner as his comebacks have repeatedly been scuttled. It's still a somewhat forgivable main event, if only because Penn is still a big name and a legend of the sport, but UFC didn't really try with the rest of this card, as only five of the twenty-four fighters on the card are coming off UFC wins, plus there's a weirdly high number of large Europeans. Just a weird show with not much excitement or much starpower - though, with what said, sometimes those shows with no names wind up being fun ones, even if I'm not particularly optimistic in this case. MAIN CARD (Fox Sports 1 - 10:00 PM ET): Featherweight: (#10) Yair Rodriguez vs. B.J. Penn Lightweight: Marcin Held vs. Joe Lauzon Welterweight: Court McGee vs. Ben Saunders Flyweight: (#8) John Moraga vs. (#15) Sergio Pettis PRELIMINARY CARD (Fox Sports 1 - 8:00 PM ET): Bantamweight: Augusto Mendes vs. Frankie Saenz Heavyweight: Aleksei Oleinik vs. Viktor Pesta Lightweight: Tony Martin vs. Alex White Lightweight: Drakkar Klose vs. Devin Powell PRELIMINARY CARD (UFC Fight Pass - 6:15 PM ET): Women's Strawweight: Nina Ansaroff vs. Jocelyn Jones-Lybarger Heavyweight: Walt Harris vs. Chase Sherman Light Heavyweight: Joachim Christensen vs. Bojan Mihajlovic Heavyweight: Cyril Asker vs. Dmitrii Smoliakov THE RUNDOWN: Yair Rodriguez (9-1 overall, 5-0 UFC) vs. B.J. Penn (16-10-2 overall, 12-9-2 UFC): Well, it looks like we're finally getting the B.J. Penn comeback on the fourth try, even though I'm not really sure who wants it at this point outside of Penn. Penn was pretty much a legend from the instant he started combat sports - the Hawaiian earned his BJJ black belt in only about three years, thought to be a record (hence the "Prodigy" nickname), and was one of the first guys, post-infancy of the sport, to just straight up debut in UFC, where he had a ton of success pretty quickly. And Penn soon became a cult hero for his "just scrap" mentality, not really caring about the size or the skill of his opponent, but willing to just fight whoever, whenever, in the name of the fight - when UFC's first effort at starting a lightweight division centered around Penn fell apart, as Penn got upset by Jens Pulver, who then left for Japan, and a tournament for the vacant title ended up in a draw between Penn and Caol Uno, Penn just decided to move up to welterweight and tapped out Matt Hughes, then thought to be possibly the best fighter in the sport, in the first round. But then Penn left for more money in Japan himself for a few fights - including a fight against then-light heavyweight Lyoto Machida - and when he came back, Penn dropped fights to Hughes and upstart Georges St. Pierre. I think it's at this point we really started to get the narrative that would pretty much define Penn's career, that he was possibly the most naturally gifted fighter in the sport, but just never really motivated himself to work hard, since I think the first time we were promised "motivated B.J." was his return to lightweight against Pulver. Penn handled Pulver rather easily, and ran roughshod over the lightweight division for a bit - though in the interim he once against lost to then-welterweight champ St. Pierre in UFC's first champion-versus-champion fight - until 2010, when he met Frankie Edgar. Edgar wasn't really seen in Penn's league, having only really gotten the shot since Gray Maynard's wins were just too boring to reward with a title fight, and after a controversial decision to take the lightweight title from Penn, "The Answer" left no doubt in the rematch, winning a one-sided decision and, in retrospect, pretty much putting an end to Penn's career as an elite fighter. Penn rebounded with a 21-second win over what turned out to be a shot Hughes and a draw against Jon Fitch that was somewhat of a gift, and at this point we would get promised over and over that this time Penn was motivated, only for the results to fall kind of flat in the cage. Plus Penn kept insisting on fighting at welterweight in order to chase St. Pierre, and he was too stubborn to realize he was physically outmatched - Nick Diaz absolutely destroyed him, and after taking over a year off, Rory MacDonald beat Penn rather handily as well. Things remained rather silent, until it was announced in mid-2014 that Penn was going to now cut to featherweight, and coach a season opposite Frankie Edgar that would result in a third fight between the two. And...things were not pretty. Penn did look lean, but also suddenly looked rather gaunt and old, and he weirdly chose to use a strange, upright striking stance that pretty much just gave Edgar the opening to take Penn down at will and pretty much maul him in what was a pretty depressing scene before it got stopped. After the fight, it seemed like Penn had finally closed the book on his career in an emotional press conference, talking about how he needed the fight against Edgar to see if he could still do this, and even after doing everything right, realizing that with the result, he couldn't, and that he was comfortable with that. And, well, that lasted a little over a year. By late 2015, there were rumblings of a Penn comeback as he entered in his late thirties, and when it got confirmed come 2016, things turned into a bit of a disaster. First, Penn decided to challenge Nik Lentz of all people, as Penn apparently had come to blame dietitian Mike Dolce for his last loss to Edgar, and got it in his head that Lentz and Dolce were somehow friends, which just seemed to confuse Lentz. Talk of that fight fizzled out, and Penn was then scheduled to fight Dennis Siver at UFC 196, though that soon fell apart due to an investigation into a pretty gross incident where a drunken Penn apparently decided to throw himself at the girlfriend of a friend. Penn was cleared in dubious fashion to fight at UFC 199, first against Siver and then Cole Miller, but then that fell apart, since Penn apparently admitted to out-of-competition use of an IV, without realizing that IVs were banned no matter what. So UFC tried again to book him, and this time it just seemed cruel, as Penn was matched against perennial top contender Ricardo Lamas in the main event of a card in Manila - but once again Penn became unavailable, this time due to injury, and UFC wound up scrapping the card entirely. So, finally, I think, here we are, as Penn's pretty much in the set-up role to make stud Mexican prospect Yair Rodriguez look good. After winning season one of TUF: Latin America, there was some thought that Rodriguez could be a future star for UFC in the growing Mexican market, but he's gotten there way quicker than anyone expected - Charles Rosa is a solid fighter, but he was thought to be too much for Rodriguez to handle in his first post-TUF fight, and instead Rodriguez has just put together a huge highlight reel in wins over Rosa, Daniel Hooker, Andre Fili, and Alex Caceres, highlighted by a switch-kick knockout of Fili that was among the best finishes of 2016. Rodriguez comes from the school of fighting that's more like a martial arts movie at times, with a focus on throwing big, flashy knockout strikes, though Rodriguez has a ridiculous amount of athleticism and a preternatural ability to chain strikes together in weird combinations, as well as backing this all up with a pretty solid submission game. Rodriguez's game definitely feels like something that will hit a ceiling - at some point he's just not going to be able to connect with enough crazy spinning stuff to win rounds when he can't get the finish - but guys like Anthony Pettis have shown that you can win a title and become a bit of a star before people start to figure you out. Since we don't really know where Rodriguez's ceiling is yet, for better or for worse, Penn does definitely have a chance, since even in his current form, he still might be the best fighter Rodriguez has faced yet, and it's not completely out of the question to imagine Penn using his years of experience to somehow score a submission on the sometimes over-aggressive Rodriguez if things go to the ground. But there's just too much going against him - Rodriguez's professional career started a year after Penn got his last win, and while Rodriguez's style sometimes isn't conducive to winning rounds, it's hard to see how Penn is going to able to win them, either, given that Rodriguez is big, athletic, quick, and seems to have a pretty solid gas tank. Frankly, even if Penn is in the best shape of his life, finally - and even then, it's unclear how much he's been training with Greg Jackson's camp in Albuquerque, as was expected - in his fight against Edgar, Penn just looked like a relic from a bygone era, a guy who just didn't really have the sort of well-rounded game and strategy that MMA needs in 2017 rather than 2007. And the sad part of this, is I think Penn's actually tough enough to last all the way to a decision - Penn was basically stopped by Edgar because Edgar just kept mauling him, while Rodriguez doesn't really throw the type of volume you need to get the referee to step in for a finish. So while there's a chance that Rodriguez just uses some highlight-reel strike to put Penn's lights out - which may be a mercy kill - I'll say we instead just get five rounds of Penn being too tough for his own good, and probably being a little bit depressed after a Rodriguez decision win. Marcin Held (22-5 overall, 0-1 UFC, 11-3 Bellator) vs. Joe Lauzon (26-12 overall, 13-9 UFC): A really interesting, well-matched fight here that should provide some pretty fun action. Joe Lauzon has officially spent over a decade on the UFC roster, and it's pretty amazing how long of it he's spent as sort of an action fighter and gatekeeper emeritus. For years, it's seemed like the Massachusetts native has been somewhere between the tenth- and twentieth-best lightweight in UFC, matched with rising fighter after rising fighter and losing against guys as they eventually headed towards title shots, but also turning away about as many guys, and always being a threat to have the best fight on the card in the process. At the tail end of 2015, it looked like Lauzon might finally be shopworn after a flat loss to Evan Dunham, but he rebounded in pretty great fashion by becoming the first man to crack the chin of Diego Sanchez at UFC 200, and then taking Jim Miller to a close decision loss that most felt Lauzon had won. Lauzon finds himself in a familiar spot here, against a talented young fighter, and in this case it's a guy who badly needs a win in Marcin Held. Held came into UFC with a ton of expectations - despite somehow still only being 24, Held had spent the last few years as one of the top lightweights in Bellator, beating all but the promotion's elite fighters with a solid, well-rounded game and a funky submission game centered around an array of leglocks. Held made his debut on the Mexico City card this past November against Sanchez in what figured to be a solid opportunity for Held to make a big splash with a win over a big name, but none of that really happened - after some early success, Sanchez was able to take over with his wrestling and neutralize Held's submission game, and by the third round, the Pole seemed absolutely exhausted and out of ideas. There was some talk of Held cutting down to 145, but instead he stays at lightweight here, and UFC didn't really do him any favors here - while Lauzon probably doesn't have the control-heavy wrestling that Sanchez pulled out, he's probably a step up in competition at this point in the game. It's a really fascinating matchup - both guys are perfectly fine strikers, and I'm not really sure who the grappling favors - Lauzon likes to create chaos, and that can probably allow Held to catch some sort of funky technique, but Lauzon also has so much veteran savvy when it comes to submissions that I can't really see Held flummoxing him with something that might lead to a finish. I'll favor Lauzon to win a decision if only because his performances have impressed me more lately, but with the way these guys' styles might interact, I'm sort of expecting the kind of nip-tuck split decision fight that'll cause some discussion about exactly who won. Court McGee (18-5 overall, 7-4 UFC) vs. Ben Saunders (20-7-2 overall, 7-4 UFC, 7-3 Bellator): A solid fight between welterweight vets here. I think everyone likes Court McGee - the Utah native has been pretty open about his crazy life story, as he struggled with drugs and alcohol for years, to the point that he was even clinically dead for a bit, before getting his life back together through fighting. And as a fighter, he's a perfectly solid meat and potatoes kind of guy - he can do a little bit of everything, and while I can't really think of an exceptionally amazing Court McGee fight, he's rarely gotten blown completely out of the water. McGee took about two years off - from December of 2013 to December 2015 - to heal what was apparently an injured everything, and he's picked up about where he's left off, alternating wins and losses; McGee lost to Santiago Poniznibbio pretty quickly in what was probably the most one-sided loss of his career, but that was sandwiched between wins over Marcio Alexandre and Dominique Steele, the latter of which was a pretty neat moment, as McGee was the big hometown favorite for UFC's debut in Salt Lake City. Anyway, McGee fights Ben Saunders, who starts his third UFC stint here - it's a bit amusing looking back that someone as talented as Saunders was cut after two straight losses back in 2010, when UFC was in a position where they could do so. Saunders then signed with Bellator, which was then still a bit of an upstart, and had a bunch of success - he fell short of title contention, but Saunders continued evolving as a Muay Thai specialist with some solid submission skills. After a few Bellator contracts, Saunders then decided to return to UFC in 2014, and continued having success, running through Chris Heatherly and Joe Riggs and earning a close decision over Kenny Robertson before losing to Patrick Cote and hitting a bit of a contract snafu. So, the Cote loss happened last January, and apparently that was the last fight on Saunders's contract, and he decided to take a bit of a break with the understanding a new deal would be worked out. But when he stepped up for a late-notice fight against Tim Means at UFC 202, Saunders fell victim of the same weird rule that took Angela Hill off UFC 207, where fighters deemed to be returning to the UFC (unless they're Brock Lesnar) have to undergo a four-month drug testing period before they're cleared to fight. So, Saunders took one more fight outside of UFC to make some money, tapping out fellow UFC vet Jacob Volkmann in just seventeen seconds, and now he's officially back. It's an interesting fight that could be fun or could be ugly - both guys are typically fairly entertaining fighters, but McGee is willing to just grind on an opponent if need be - he mostly won the Steele fight by neutralizing Steele for long blocks of time, but it didn't get too boring since the Utah faithful were behind him the whole way. And that's probably McGee's best path towards winning this fight - if he can just hold Saunders against the fence, he can win a boring decision, yet unlike a lot of strikers, taking down Saunders doesn't really work thanks to Saunders's aggressive submission game from the bottom. I actually could see this looking a lot like Saunders's fight against Kenny Robertson, where Robertson wrestled a lot, but Saunders just did a lot more while being controlled and took the close decision. Add in that Saunders probably has the advantage on the feet, and I'll say he takes a narrow decision, though I'm not really confident in this fight either way. John Moraga (16-5 overall, 5-4 UFC) vs. Sergio Pettis (14-2 overall, 5-2 UFC): Flyweight is weird, man. There's dominant champ Demetrious Johnson, a few contenders, and then just a whole lot of guys whose careers are going in a bunch of different directions, yet all have trouble separating themselves from each other. And this fight sort of fits that - the matchmaking is sort of thrown together and doesn't make much sense, as both guys missed more preferred bookings with injuries in late 2016, and hell, Moraga's even an injury replacement here, but it's also as natural a fight as any to make at 125 at the moment. I think we're at the point where we've accepted that Sergio Pettis isn't his brother - back when UFC signed him in 2013, he was just twenty years old and earmarked as a future star, since he was succeeding at both flyweight and bantamweight and came from the same stock as his brother Anthony, who by then was UFC lightweight champ and considered one of the top fighters in the sport. But Sergio's career has had some fits and starts, first at bantamweight and now down at 125, and in pretty much complete contrast to Anthony's hyper-athletic style built around flashy finishes, Pettis is just a fairly well-trained fundamental fighter, with a solid wrestling game and a striking game that rarely gets into second gear. So, weirdly, Pettis is somehow both sort of a disappointment and one of the better rising talents in the flyweight division, since he's still just twenty-three, and he gets what might be the toughest test of his career in John Moraga, who suddenly finds his back against the wall. When UFC first added flyweight, Moraga was an early standout in a thin division thanks to his grappling skill and knockout power, even earning a title shot in one of Johnson's first defenses, and from then on Moraga established himself as sort of a top-five to top-tennish gatekeeper - he was obviously one of the better fighters in the division, but against top contenders like John Dodson or Joseph Benavidez, Moraga was simply overmatched. After taking about a year off after a loss to Benavidez, Moraga returned for what figured to be a bit of a tune-up fight against Matheus Nicolau, but instead Moraga just looked fairly flat and fought fairly conservatively and just limped to a narrow decision loss. And that's pretty much the key thing in this fight - was that just a one-off awful performance for Moraga, or has he suddenly entered the decline phase of his career? I'll still put some faith in Moraga, since at his best he still has enough grappling skill to handle Pettis's wrestling and could actually knock him out on the feet, but this feels like a fight that has a bunch of questions leading up to it, but could be going in a pretty obvious direction as soon as the actual fight starts. So I'll say Moraga takes a decision, particularly since he should be motivated here since he's in need of a win and fighting in his hometown, but Pettis taking control of the fight immediately and winning from there wouldn't be too shocking. Augusto Mendes (5-1 overall, 0-1 UFC) vs. Frankie Saenz (10-4 overall, 3-2 UFC): A strange bit of matchmaking here at bantamweight, unless it's just a way for Frankie Saenz, a Phoenix native, to just get a bounce-back win at home. Saenz is a former Arizona State wrestler who was picked up when UFC was signing pretty much everyone in 2014, and as someone not particularly notable and in their mid-thirties, he's already exceeded expectations - Saenz first really got on the radar with a win over veteran Iuri Alcantara that was one of the biggest upsets in UFC history per betting odds, and capped off 2015 by showing quite well in a narrow decision loss to Urijah Faber. But now Saenz suddenly has his back against the wall - a knockout loss over last summer to the suddenly resurgent Eddie Wineland made it two straight losses, and while Saenz is a talented fighter, three in a row means he's probably being shown the door. So he'll look to get that crucial win against Augusto "Tanquinho" Mendes, who's being thrown into the fire a bit. Mendes was a blue-chip prospect when UFC signed him as a late-notice injury replacement, as he's a former world BJJ champion who had been progressing quite well in MMA for someone so raw, but that late-notice fight wound up being against Cody Garbrandt, and while Mendes survived well on the feet for a few minutes, he eventually got knocked out by the future bantamweight champ. So after about a year off, Mendes gets underdog duty here once more, and while it probably won't be as bad as the Garbrandt loss, I still think Saenz should win - at this point, he just has more of a well-rounded skillset and should be able to outbox Mendes rather easily for three rounds, with the caveat that Tanquinho's striking did look much improved even from his independent days to the Garbrandt fight, and he's had another year to improve. So yeah, Saenz by decision is the rather uninspiring pick, and I hope that UFC at least gives Mendes a third fight against someone easier, since he does look like one of the better raw talents in the division. Aleksei Oleinik (50-10-1 overall, 2-1 UFC, 1-1 Bellator) vs. Viktor Pesta (10-3 overall, 1-3 UFC): The first three fights announced for this card were all between European fighters at 205 and above, and while this isn't the bout's original incarnation (Oleinik is filling in for the injured Damian Grabowski), that doesn't make it any less weird. Aleksei Oleinik is a strange fighter to begin with - he has 61 fights over 20 years, and 40 of his 50 wins have come via submission. And that's pretty much his game - everyone knows one of a variety of chokes is coming, but Oleinik's such a massive bear of a man that it doesn't really matter, and he's been able to tap out foe after foe. He can trade a bit, too - Jared Rosholt dumbly decided to brawl with Oleinik in a late 2014 fight and got knocked out for his troubles, and Oleinik hasn't really capitalized on the momentum that win should've given him. Basically, Oleinik spent about two years on the shelf thanks to some botched knee surgeries, though he remained active during that time, as the gym he was running in his native Ukraine turned out to be a front for pro-Russian military forces, resulting in him being subsequently banned from the country. And as far as inside the cage, Oleinik didn't really impress in his comeback - against Daniel Omielanczuk, Oleinik had some success wrestling early, but gassed out and looked fairly horrible in pretty quick fashion en route to a decision loss. So, nearing forty, Oleinik probably has his back against the wall when it comes to his UFC tenure, and Czechia's Viktor Pesta is in the same boat. Pesta's most notable moment was probably during his lone UFC win over Konstantin Erokhin, where his corner memorably forced Pesta to repeat that he is a "takedown machine" in stilted English, and, well, that's pretty much an apt description. Pesta is purely a grinder, and it's earned him that win over Erokhin, and he's overperformed in losses to Ruslan Magomedov and Derrick Lewis, the latter of which he was winning rather handily with wrestling before Lewis put his lights out. But he mostly tried to box with Marcin Tybura during his last fight, and ate a highlight-reel head kick for his troubles. So, yeah, this is probably going to be fifteen minutes of large Eastern European men wrestling with each other, and I guess I'll favor Pesta via decision - I've always had a bit of a soft spot for the Czech, and Oleinik looked so old in his last fight I think the end might be near for his career. But, unless Oleinik gets one of his signature chokes early and makes this a quick fight, this will probably be a fairly boring, drawn-out affair. Tony Martin (10-3 overall, 2-3 UFC) vs. Alex White (11-2 overall, 2-2 UFC): A solid enough fight here at lightweight between two evolving fighters, even though it's kind of like a welterweight fighting a featherweight. Minnesota's Tony Martin is pretty giant for lightweight, and he's shown the usual trade-offs for cutting so much weight - Martin's an effective grappler overall, but he'll inevitably tire out by sometime in round two, and often starts giving away fights late. Though, amusingly, even though Martin is a giant 155er at six feet tall, White is six feet tall and has fought most of his career at featherweight, where he's obviously had a massive size and length advantage. It didn't really give the Missourian much of an advantage, though, as he's run into a lot of trouble by relying on his size and athleticism rather than any actual strategy, but White's coming off the best performance of his career last February against Artem Lobov, where White actually used his reach to fight a smart fight and mixed in takedowns where needed. Still, I don't really see White having the strength or the tools to stop Martin from doing what he wants to do, and while there's a chance Martin can get a submission, I'll say Martin just mostly out-wrestles White en route to a one-sided decision. Drakkar Klose (6-0-1 overall) vs. Devin Powell (8-1 overall): This could be fun, as two debuting lightweights get a chance to show their stuff. Maine's Devin Powell is the latest guy to join the roster off of Dana White's YouTube reality show where he scouts talent, and Dana finally broke from his usual mold - instead of a projectible athlete, Powell is instead sort of a lanky scrapper who focuses on the finish but seems to have both power in his hands and some decent submission technique in a scramble. Powell was initially supposed to face Jordan Rinaldi, but with Rinaldi hurt, Drakkar Klose, a Michigan native who's been training in Arizona for a while, steps in to make his own UFC debut. Klose looks to be more of a powerhouse, scoring some knockouts in some 2015 fights I watched while showing some solid technique. This is really a pick 'em, but I liked what I saw on tape from Klose more, and that's with two fights in the ensuing year where he's had the chance to improve, so I'll pick Klose to win a decision victory. That said, Powell is the much taller, lankier fighter, and he's ridiculously tough - he fought back from a brutal broken nose to score the KO in his last fight - so a win either way wouldn't surprise me. Nina Ansaroff (6-5 overall, 0-2 UFC, 1-0 Invicta) vs. Jocelyn Jones-Lybarger (6-3 overall, 0-2 UFC, 1-0 Invicta): This should be a perfectly fine fight, but it says something about the depth of this card that the slot of Fight Pass headliner, which had seemingly becoming a priority in 2016, goes to this bout between two strawweights each seeking their first UFC win in their third UFC fight. Jocelyn Jones-Lybarger is the hometown fighter here, fighting out of Phoenix, and honestly, she hasn't really shown much in her two UFC fights - her late-notice debut against Tecia Torres was a tough ask, especially for someone who relies on their strength to bully around their opponents, but she didn't really look much better in the follow-up fight against Randa Markos; she looked a bit more comfortable when she was able to strike from a distance, but for the most part it was a sloppy decision loss in which neither woman looked all that great. On the other hand, at least Nina Ansaroff has shown some improvement over her UFC career, although she's had more time to do so and probably started from a much lower spot - Ansaroff just got out-wrestled by Juliana Lima in her late 2014 debut, but after missing all of 2015, showed some decent, high-output striking in a narrow decision loss to Justine Kish about a year ago. Jones-Lybarger should probably have more success here than in her last two fights since Ansaroff seems to the worst-equipped to deal with her grinding game, but I still pick Ansaroff to win a decision, since she's the higher-output fighter and really just plain impressed me more. Plus Ansaroff is the girlfriend of Amanda Nunes, so it can't hurt to have pillow talk with one of the best female fighters in the world. Walt Harris (8-5 overall, 1-4 UFC) vs. Chase Sherman (9-2 overall, 0-1 UFC): UFC keeps churning through heavyweights, and these two guys are currently on the lower tier, though this could be a pretty fun fight while it lasts. And hey, it's basketball versus football, as Walt Harris was a former basketball player at Jacksonville State, while Chase Sherman played football for Delta State. Anyway, both guys are top-level athletes, but have struggled to turn that into anything too productive, at least as of just yet. Harris is in his second UFC stint and hung around a while thanks to some layoffs in between fights, but he really has little to show for it, outside of a knockout win over Cody East - Harris seems to be well-trained technically by American Top Team, but he's just not aggressive enough for it to matter, doesn't seem to have that great a defensive game, and doesn't seem to have much in terms of wrestling either. So we just have a guy who can move well and can hit hard, but doesn't really do much of anything. On the plus side, I doubt Sherman will try to grapple with Harris at all - the Alan Belcher protege spent his pre-UFC career just piling up quick knockouts, and in his UFC debut, when Justin Ledet kept tagging him, Sherman's defensive strategy was just to talk more and more shit as Ledet just continued to punch him in the face. Questionable. Anyway, this fight is pretty much just a question of who hits the knockout shot, and while Sherman is the guy that still has potential, I'll pick Harris to score the second-round knockout, if only because I think he's the better technical fighter at this point, as long as he actually throws. This is a coin flip, though, and I'm not sure if I hope this somehow goes into a third round, as both guys will probably be hilariously exhausted. Joachim Christensen (13-4 overall, 0-1 UFC) vs. Bojan Mihajlovic (10-4 overall, 0-1 UFC): Well, this is certainly happening. When UFC decided to run a show in Croatia, I guess they decided they needed more ex-Yugoslavian fighters, so they signed Bojan Mihajlovic, who was one of the better heavyweights on a not-particularly-great Serbian scene. Mihajlovic, an undersized heavyweight who basically got by on trying to bull opponents down and throw volume from top, was set to be thrown to the wolves against Francis Ngannou, and when Mihajlovic was pulled from that fight due to undisclosed reasons, UFC just re-booked it for Chicago in July and Mihajlovic, as expected, got destroyed by Ngannou. Alright then. Meanwhile, Joachim Christensen's another late-thirties European, in this case from Denmark, and he showed some solid kickboxing but mostly looked uninspiring in a submission loss to Henrique da Silva this past October. I guess I'll go with Christensen here, and I guess via decision, since he seems to be the better fighter and should be able to just pick Mihajlovic apart for three rounds. But that's more a vote against Mihajlovic than any sort of confidence in Christensen, so if the Serbian just rushes him and gets a quick finish or something, it's not like that'd shock me either. Cyril Asker (7-2 overall, 0-1 UFC) vs. Dmitrii Smoliakov (8-1 overall, 0-1 UFC): I am not sure if this or Christensen/Mihajlovic is rock bottom. Cyril Asker's a Frenchman, but made his name in South Africa, and he showed pretty much nothing in his UFC debut - most South African fighters have trouble in the major leagues since their wrestling doesn't translate to a level where people can actually wrestle, and Asker didn't even get the chance to show that before getting knocked out in short order by Jared Cannonier. Meanwhile, Russia's Smoliakov came in with some hype, but put on a putrid performance against Luis Henrique, getting outwrestled, gassing out immediately, and basically looking helpless for about two rounds before getting tapped out. So, who knows - Smoliakov had a bunch of quick knockouts all over Russia, but it turns out that's about all he has the gas tank to do, while Asker's a wrestler who may not be able to wrestle, but might be facing someone who can't really wrestle either. Fun. Smoliakov by first-round knockout, I guess, but it's really up to both guys to just show something, anything this time around.

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