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sendmenot · 6 years

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9/25/18 Butterflies and Farewells

Hey there, devil. Yes, you! That’s my pet name for you (and I also call you lolo but hey, who cares).

It’s already 1:20am, and I just really need to release these thoughts I have inside. Just got home around 12:30am. I’ve had the loveliest night in months, truth be told.

It started earlier when I was playing league. Paul (you) suddenly messaged me whilst I’ve just started playing a normal game with a friend (lil’ bro K).

“ how far are u from makati? “, your message read.

“ let’s go out tonight! cmon cmon “

I got really excited when you asked me out. After the game ended, I showered as fast as I could and put on cute clothes and make-up. I was late, but hey, it’s deffo not my fault! You asked me out so suddenly!!! My heart wasn’t ready...

I first saw your back. You were wearing a gray shirt with black tones. You were fiddling your phone. I tapped your arm and announced my arrival. You smiled; Gods, it was such a beautiful smile. I love the way your eyes sparkled as you smiled. We were awkward for a bit; we haven’t seen each other for months (although we have been talking a lot for the past 6 months)! After a few moments of awkwardness, you told me that our grab driver has arrived. We looked for it, but we were too stupid to see it right before our eyes, hahaha~

Inside the car, we were just making small talk. I made sure not to sit too close to you. We aren’t even touching! You showed me your waifus and your beloved love live game. You suck at playing on pro mode!!!! :P

At long last, we’ve finally arrived at our destination. It was already around 9 pm. We ordered food and drinks. You told me that they serve local beer there and that you really wanted to try them. It was a tad bit too sweet for your tastes though. More conversations followed as we munched on our chips and chicken nuggets.

I told you that I’ve had the weirdest dreams for the past few weeks. (A.K.A. the preggo dreams). You called me a slut!!!! But I laughed it off, knowing that you were just kidding. As it turns out, you’ve been having nightmares of your own. You’ve dreamt of your ex gf doing something really bad, and you were trying to get her to stop doing that thing. There was another dude, and she’d rather listen to that dude AND flirt right there on your face, instead of believing you. You were pissed- hell, you LOOKED pissed. Kinda scary, truth be told. I wanted to hug you right then there but opted not to. It might not be welcomed yet..

I just let you rant about it- the way you wanted to get back with her, but couldn’t. There’s always doubt at the back of your mind. I played that role again, and I guess that’s just how it is with us. I know I’ve had my share of rants to you as well, and you never complained. I just extended the courtesy back to you; there’s nothing I can do about it at this point.

You took out your phone and told me to log on my okc account. I noticed that you weren’t even hiding your phone when you were putting in the code. (Yeah, I notice the little things) You told me to match with some guys and that you’ll chat them up. We’ve had fun looking at weird profiles, pointing out our observations.

Out of the blue, you suddenly asked me if I’m going home soon to Japan.

“Yeah, but not so soon though”, I replied.

“But we’ll keep in touch, right? Let’s keep in touch!”, you said.

“Of course! Knowing you- there’s probably an ulterior motive behind that, yes? You wanted a dakimakura?”, I asked.

“No, not that.”

“I thought you wanted that? You told me so before.”

“That was before. I want figurines.”

Suddenly, you told me that you were leaving Manila soon. You were going back to your hometown, Iloilo. Tomorrow (later), to be precise.

I suddenly felt really sad. There’s this crushing feeling and I feel so suffocated. It’s as if I have forgotten how to breathe. I can’t sleep right now since I’m still thinking about this lovely night we’ve had. I can’t handle how miserable I feel.

Anyhoo, you told me the reason why you hated our school. Guess all schools are actually rotten to the core. You told me how school wasted your potential, and that you wished you could have gotten an apprenticeship instead (since your father already asked). You told me how you hated the fact that your father has a lot of connections, which is the precise reason why you avoided your previous school/ course. Gods, we laughed and ranted our hearts out tonight! I totally had a lot of fun! I just wish that it was the same for you.

A few drinks later and my bladder can’t take it anymore. I asked you to accompany me to the rest room (we were both new to the place, haha). God, you were so adamant not to!

“God, do that to your okc boys.”

I saw you smoking outside, upon returning from the restroom and decided to just join you. I’d rather spend my time standing beside you than sitting by myself alone. You asked if I had a curfew and I shook my head. You asked for my address so you can walk me to my house.

“It’s fine. Let’s just go back where we met tonight. I can walk home.”

“No! What kind of man do you think I am? I might be an asshole, but I’m a gentleman with etiquette. Speaking of which, will you offer me coffee?”

“NO.”

“Don’t you have etiquette? I was hoping to get atleast a glass of water..”

“Nawp, go home already!”

I noticed a cool place while we were in the car. It had a humongous display of dino skeleton! I pointed it out to you and you said:

“Yeah, next time I come back..”

We got out of the car and started walking towards my house. There was a car passing by, but it won’t hit me by no means. You jokingly said:

“See! If I weren’t here to escort you home, you’d probably get hit by that car!”

“That car won’t hit me at all! And I’m not that drunk; I can walk home.”

“Naaaah, I’ll walk with you.”

We walked a looooooong way from the lrt station. Welp, I love walking home. Especially if I get to walk by your side...

You were panting by the time we were on our street! It was funny ‘cause you kept complaining. I think it’s cute though...

Soon enough, you were in the car, on your way home. We bid our goodbyes. I waited on our street until I can’t see that car anymore. It dawned upon me right then- the sadness I was trying to hide tonight when you told me that you were going home. We won’t play league together anymore; you’re gonna try your best to act like a responsible adult.

At home, I saw a message on my discord. It was from you.

“ you home yet? “

I thanked you for the lovely evening.

“you're welcome! praise me more!!! im home n btw”

“ That was fast @@ You're the greatest human being to ever grace the planet~ “

“ man... make it a little more believable at the least “

“Alriiiggght”

“try again~ go!!”

“ You're an asshole but at the same time a gentleman “

“ see was that so hard!? work on the delivery though “

“ Which is highly contradictory “

“ no its not. u suck “

“ U suck too “

I remember consulting runes about a month ago. It said that my future decisions will rely on someone else leaving. Someone close to me. I thought that was my friends- Maj and Nikki were sent home as well. I don’t get to see them a lot anymore. Sleepovers were over. Their absence hit me as well, but it did not prepare me for what I’d feel when you said that you were leaving...

Guess it’s time for me to grow up as well. No more hiding behind the safety of my room. I just wish I hugged you before you left...

I realized it last night, you know? My feelings for you. Told myself not to fall since I’m still trying to heal myself from the scars of the past- I knew you were on the same boat. That didn’t help though. I still fell for you, stupid cocky human.

Come back soon, alright? I’d love to hear your stories again.

Love, Amoeba

P.S. You took me by surprise when you asked me to go out with you.

“Let’s date! I won’t cheat on you.”

Tongue-tied, I just laughed it off. I didn’t know what to say. You looked serious but I didn’t know if you were just kidding or not. Ask me again when we’re both ready, okay?

#journal #journal entry #feelings #things i wanted to say

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