#this is all anyone ever needs to know abt me i think

[chrisbangs]

Sometimes you talk about Chan and it has the vibes of a wife whose husband has been sent to war, crying over a postcard, relieved to know he is still alive and missing him dearly

i want to print this ask out and eat the paper

#😭😭😭😭😭😭 #WHY WOULD YOU SAY THISSSS #THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER SAID ABT ME TO MEEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭 #i'll never ever stop thinking abt this #i went back and read my tags and YEBEKDJDODND PLEASEEEEE 😭😭😭 #you are so funny gawd GOOD GAWD!!!! #the one thing abt being active again means i get my insanely funny anons back #YEW !!! #first thing i see when i wake up today is this ask 😭😭😭 #i cant deal with this i wanna pin this so bad.... #this is all anyone ever needs to know abt me i think #anon #answered #fav asks

[boxwinebaddie]

what is the CD pet? i remember it being mentioned, but is it a dog?

how very funny you ask, lovie! because...someone a while ago asked me about a cd pet and i said, something like of 'maybe, who knows?'

me. ;)

i know.

skdhslkds

and shortly, you all will too, my darlings! for the sake of surprise and spoilers, i was just keeping the identity of the cd pet in the shadows.

which, speaking of shadows, it is the very first time that the citizens of a now very flooded and fucked up blondie's apartment ( minus marj ) arrive in the foyer of the crimson dawn manwhoresion, which again is this MASSIVE very gloomy and ominous sick-torian mansion with lots of cool glass skull door handles, old creaky floors and creepy portraits on the wall -- art of the dearly, or not so dearly, departed...dep(art) if you will -- except the interior has new electrical running through it so that the boys can still make pizza bagels in the air fryer and play legendary smash tournaments on their uber lux, big bucks, emphasis on big 98" flat screen tv...8k, ofc. ;)

anyways, they make it inside with what little luggage/personal shit they could salvage out of the wreckage of their Literal falling apartment, regrettably like half of kyle's really cool clothes are missing...i wonder if someone has things he can borrow...but ANWAYS AGAIN! when they walk in, jersey kyle sets down curb's carrier and suzie on sort of side table and is like 'holy fuck, i do naught like the feel of this place at all. this shit feels like something out of a horror movie, like i swear to gahd if some shit attacks m--"

aND RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT SOMETHING BODY SLAMS KYLE. like this herculean mass of energy, this strong, dark force runs at him at light speed, and is all over him. kyle is freaking the fuck out like oh my god this is actually a horror movie i am going to die, he screaming very girlish screams smh and then right when he thinks this supernatural monster beast from hell is going to gut him, somewhere off to the side, out of sight, the most threatening, frightening, authoritative and booming voice commands...

"sparky, sientate."

...and who is it, ofc...

but raven of crimson freakin' dawn. <3

who rushes over -- also this is irrelevant but i think he is in this sick colorful emo boy sweater and some ripped skinny jeans, you know, whore couture winter addition, he can be modest, you guys! -- and at the sight of him, this very large dog is immediately placated and ravenstan drops the scary dog training voice and is like "helllooo, sweet boy, mwahmwahmwah. besito besito besiiiiitoooo~ <33 :*"

i love ravenstan so bad, he's litrally so cute and an emo disney prince.

so sparky is just licking stan's face and being so sweet and we realize that sparky did not attack jersey to be vicious he just literally upon first glance liked him so much he wanted to say hi ksadhlsakd. amazing. kyle, however, hates most animals and drool and is a cat person and is like wiping his face with a hankerchief like fml.

and after a second, ravenstan rememeber, oh fuck, Kyle!!! so he immediately looks very worried and is like "i am SO sorry, jersey. he is super sweet, he just gets a little excited, y'know? are you--are you hurt at all? </3 here, take my hand, i'll help you up." all wide eyed

and jersey kyle aka crush era jersey my favorite period of time, is just looking up at raven of crimson dawn like he is a beautiful fake blonde eyeliner wearing apple cinnamon scented angel of death and...do yo know how badly kyle wants to take his hand? literally SO BAD. gay! down horrendous!!! but you know, he is a cold unfeeling husk and he does not like raven of crimson dawn! no way! i'm not dropping my mask in front of all these people, i am a loaded gun, i'm a weapon.

so kyle lifts his hand up like he's gonna take raven's hand and then at the last second, flips him off, rolls his eyes and is like "i've got it, ayshole." to which stan is like visibly disappointed for a second before Switching and shrugging doing the raven voice like 'suit yourself. you know, i like a man that's independent and can take care of himself." ;)

smhhhhh stan stop FLIRTING WITH KYLE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE LITERALLY NOT JERSEY TRYING NOT TO BLUSH LIKE!!! FOULLL!!

so important side note is that sparky is wearing...a pink bandana, ofc. which ofc, also means that he came from big gay al's animal rescue where curb also came from. and...sigh...so this is a small continuity error because i had al pretend not to know who the three people who paid blondie's rent were, but really all he said was that they didn't leave their names and ravenstan's voice sounded like heaven, which doesn't imply he....Doesn't know who he is.

and idk, was perhaps just keeping a secret for him...because raven actually does a fuck ton of volunteer work over there! hot boy shit! he is ofc, dressed like busted ass stan, but alas still v beautiful indeed. i think as a toolshed reference maybe spark got struck or nearly struck by lightning, he also has all that energy haha. stan basically foster failed him and he is ravenstan's emotional support dog and cd house pet, we love you sparky. that also means...drum roll pleaaaasee...

ravenstan knows curb! which is why curb got extremely excited to see him because ravenstan used to take care of him when he was in the animal santuary and stuff. so he quite literally heard stan's voice and was like!!!! aaaa!!! i missed you!!!! so cute omg reunited.

but yeah, they talk about that for a little...small world you know even for a big celebrity...kyle has sort of cute down horrendous gay daydream-y thoughts about how often stan must have come and go unbeknownst to all of them

( which he thinks is impossible because raven of crimson dawn's outfits are so shiny and tiny and scandalous that he has no idea how he could walk down the street without being noticed...but then, he's never actually seen stan look Normal and also...yeah kyle i bet you would be able to spot ravenstan a mile away and not be able to look away you gay ass bitch Stand Up!!!! )

and how cute he probably looks feeding all the lil critters in the pink shirt and like introducing little kids to them...also whether or not he rolls his sleeves up and how good his arms look...GO TO JAAAAAAIL.

but yeah! sparky! <3333 in my unpublished first draft boards i actually made a little section just for sparky.

final note: curb and sparky do hate eachother. they have shelter beef.

enemies to lovers, anyone?

-uncle nina, instigator of drama

#i'm gonna proof read this later i am lazy #but basically curb really liks raven and sparky immdiately really likes kyle but kyle is such a hater he's like control ur beast #i do think ravenstan looks cute in his big sweater and the jeans putting down his nightmare before christmas mug petting his big scary dog #he is my hero he is very cute to me #also after ravenstan did the scary command voice as a joke kenny raised their hand & said Is Anyone Else Bricked Up Right Now #and literally everyone raised their hands including jimmy like he risked falling over...ravenstan do not be raising his voice ever #but that was how he was taught to train most animals like someones mean scary mexican mom and it totally works #anyways NOT KYLE NOT TAKING STANS BEAUTIFUL HELPFUL HAND HES SUCH A FUCKING HATER #he wanted to so bad he was staring at it w such wide eyes for a second like omg he was worried abt me thats so cute hes so pretty and nice #aND THEN WAS LIKE EWEWEW YOU DISGUST ME GET A GRIP YOU FUCKING IDIOT YOU ARE PATHETIC STAND UP #goddamnit kyle will u be vulnerable for one second like he actually was bc hes actually pretty scared of big dogs he was very shaken #a small rm plot line is stan helping kyle get over his fear of big dogs bc sparky is so nice and kyle is wincing #and petting him with two fingers and is like...oh god it licked me...and stans like that means he likes you! he has good taste #raven stop rizzing kyle holy shit he cant take it #stan working at the shelter is so cute he totally does roll his sleeves up and his tattoos and biceps do look good #and he puts his hair back in the pink big als rescue standana and totally talks to all the cats and is like excuse me miss blossom #that was very rude to loki :( i think you owe him an apology!!! #and she meows back and loki scowls and hes like...now loki there's no need for that descaro papi!! >:O lets try that again #loki meows softly back and stan scratches both them behind the ears and is like amazing see all better <333 #something abt ravenstan knowing the same cats that jerseykyle does and them both just not knowing despite being so close together #and probably just barely missing each other everytime...the beautiful waft of cinnamon or a stan laugh sometimes... #maybe he wasn't being so crazy after all #SPARKKYYYY

[bunnihearted]

📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2

#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore #we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life #i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible #if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green #and later this year i think i might change my name #it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random #i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel #really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am #to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate #but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it #but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so #when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy #i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that #also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk..... #rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els #sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w #not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else #but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway #that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but #all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever #i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right? #i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not #im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help #it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning #nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my #feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions #i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary

[seventh-district]

.

#it is 5 hrs past my bedtime and i am awake listening to Two Hearts by Dermot Kennedy on loop and crying over Rotating Shifts. again. #i couldn’t resist the urge to read the latest chapter any longer but i knew when i did i’d get like this #so Why did i wait for my period to roll around. i have made. a silly decision lmaooo #i’ve complained abt it before but i’m conflicted about how much more sensitive it makes me #my nightmares usually don’t make me cry but oh i was a Wreck this morning #so why i picked tonight to read the fic that always makes me cry is beyond me #i have never met a fic before that had me in such an intense emotional grip #and it’s fucking hilarious bc it’s not that intense of a story!! like yeah there’s been devastating parts but i’m out here having to- #-take a break every single chapter bc i’ll read one line that hits my inner child like a truck and i have to take a minute to recover #but the whiplash this fic gives me is so fucking funny and the range in the storytelling from comedy to tragedy is just.. *scream-cries* #it has my favorite characterization of Sun and Moon that i have ever seen #this chapter wasn’t even that sad i’m just Making myself sad about it #but on another level it also makes me sad in the sense that i don’t think i’ll ever be able to write something that good.. #all that i want out of my writing endeavors is to make one (1) person feel as strongly and as much as RS makes me feel #and i don’t know if i can do that. i don’t know if my writing has what it takes bc i can’t even describe exactly what it is #i don’t think it’s a science that can be replicated. things either connect with someone or they don’t #the way Sun goes from worryingly innocent ‘wdym we can’t invite strangers to live with us?’ ‘wdym we can’t adopt an adult that needs help?’ #to fucking. tearing an animatronic in half in a fit of protective rage and blocking access to all dating apps to prevent you from- #-finding anyone else bc he’s your Special Friend and he can’t have his Daydream falling for anyone else!! no no!! #it’s not a new concept but i eat it tf up when Sun is actually the one you should fear the most #like no i don’t think he’d hurt Reader but i dread to think of the things he would do For them #the back and forth between childlike innocence and terrifying intelligence possessiveness and physical capability is just mmmmm 100/10 #and don’t even get me started on Moon. or i Will start crying again #he’s ​like yeah dumbass of course i’m gonna save you every time some POS man tries to **** you. of course i will you fucking crater-head #but i will complain at you about it the Entire way home and then i will steal your fucking toilet paper and pack you a raw egg for lunch #because i hate you 🖤 but Sun loves you and we would both kill for you 🖤 also i drank all of your chocolate milk 🖤 also i hate you :) #anyways i am paraphrasing obviously and dear god i hope no one who actually reads RS sees this bc i do not want my 2am ramblings taken as- #-any kind of Official Thoughtful Analysis of the story ok pls pls pls let me be insane abt my favorite fic without having to be articulate #i just have so many fucking FEELINGS about them. i am unwell. #i’m not even tagging this i’m just hitting post and going to sleep goodnight

[kenobihater]

the last remaining threads of my sanity are slipping through my fingers rn 🚬 😑

#i'm out of cigarettes i'm incredibly ill and i'm reconsidering my relationship to a certain fandom. #look i'm NOT saying i'm gonna stop the divorce proceedings but uh. fuck. i may have been re reading some of my older works and unfinished #fics and i MAY. i repeat MAY. have some tiny shred of interest posting about st*r w*rs again #motherfucker i'm SO hesitant to speak that into existence and will be absolutley APOPLECTIC if it happens bc i don't fucking WANNA like sw! #i divorced it! i took the kids (my ocs) & filed a restraining order & crossed state lines & broke all contact and yet! and fucking yet!!!! #i find myself in tags i havent visited in over two years on the archive like some beaten dog slinking back home to a shitty master #i honestly hate like. fucking ALL of the shit i've written from then that i reread and some of it was so bad i couldnt even bring myself to #click on it after reading the summary. like. UGH! i have a half baked fic idea i wrote a little for and i think it's more compelling than #any of the literal dogshit i posted back then so i MIGHT work on polishing that up and posting something that isn't actual garbage by my #current standards. all of this is still up in the air tho bc i dont know if the hyperfixation or even the bare minimum lvl of interest has #returned or if it's just fever induced delirium. i've been having INCREDIBLY fucked up bad horrible awful vivid dreams as of late so fever #induced brain fuckery isn't out of the question. sigh. i'm so mad abt this #even if i do regain some interest in the fandom i don't think i'll have any interest in new source material after the mando s2 finale & #tbo.bf sucking ass & the obi show being mid & everything with the ST. i plan on watching ando.r but after that? zero interest in anything #new from sw. so. if anyone still reading this and is getting excited abt me POSSIBLY MAYBE being interested in sw just know i still hate it #a bit and feel like i'm being dragged kicking and screaming back into this mess unwillingly. or it's due to a fever. god i need a smoke #len speaks #that's literally the longest tag rant i've ever gone on. fuck that's a BAD sign

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

imo everyone on earth should be talking about Him (don't want this showing up in the tag even though it's not a diss) but everytime i go to the tag and there's only like 3 new posts i'm like. oh yeah almost no one cares except me and like 5 other ppl on here

i ran out of tags KFHSJENNXN i don't think that's literally ever happened to me before anyways don't read them because it's just me being insane as per usual

#most of his indirects on twitter are from people in diff asian countries as well and ik he's doing an asia tour soon(?) #bruh he's never coming back to the usa is he 😭😭😭 i need him in chicago i miss him so bad #i feel very ugly emotionally rn still bc i was reading all of the rando ass dating rumors of him last night LMAO and it pissed me off #i know i have no right to get mad and i'm being irrational but at the same time like. everyone is just like 'omg he's so in love rn' #bc his music has been very angsty and like. idk... conflicted? but his new song was very happy and sweet and very In Love Sounding #and i already know all his music is about one person bc he always talks about the same shit (he's very predictable i see right thru him) #and he's putting out a new song called 'shining' and he has been talking abt a person being his light/shining on him for the last 7yrs atp #so like. that's how i know it's about one specific person and i don't think he has moved on LMAOOO so unless he was dating the same random #7yrs ago i don't think he's dating any of the people they bring up tbh... i pay attention to these things not to brag or anything but like #being attentive to the people i love and noticing inconsistincies in their behavior and when they act diff is like. the only skill i have #at least irt other people LMAO like honestly i wrote all the lyrics he ever wrote down in a google doc and it shows a clear trajectory #that starts like... innocently and just gets more fucked up and toxic as it goes. and ppl say he's one of the most sane ppl they know #meanwhile he's been writing songs about 1 person for nearly 10 years and they get progressively more desperate and insane #I'M JUST SAYING. i completely forgot what my original point was but i guess it was most likely that. no one pays attention to him like i do #the songs started being about this person at the same time i started liking him and having dreams about meeting him btw #and they got progessively more uh. spiteful and desperate and weird as the years went on. did i mention i cast a spell on him 😐 #and he literally says shit like 'it's impossible for me to move on' 'i don't care about anyone else' 'it's like i'm possessed' etc #and after we met at his concert he got really into saying shit like 'that one night wasn't enough' and 'the spotlight between us' #&the ever-famous 'i like the way you look at me' 'my eyes are on you' 'focus on me just look at me' when all i did was look at him all night #if you're reading this right now and thinking 'celeste do you seriously believe a kpop guy has been writing songs about you for 7 years?' #you should remember who i am and how i reacted to ***** having a gf (that i guessed exactly right months before he revealed it) #i'm schizophrenic 🤷‍♀️ but the guy i'm into was the one who started my fascination with soulmates and destiny and fate and shit like that #you know it's funny i mention that because he also started writing about that!!!!! in his songs!!! crazy #and he talks about the person making it hard for him to sleep and wanting to meet them in his dreams again and whathaveyou #i mean even in his two newest title tracks he says 'i'm frustrated in the studio the only melody that comes out is for you' and #'i want to turn everything about you into a song' in the newest one... hm. #and btw he announced his album right when i admitted i was in love with him again to my family (they know my insanity LMAO) #and he releases a song about being happy and in love and listening for someone's voice from far away to reach him/vice versa????? #right when i get back into him??? #it's my fave color & his fave color & he's releasing it in my birth month like. i know billions of coincidences are a thing but it's crazy

[dandeyrain]

we GOTTA stop repackaging outright gender essentialism and misogyny as cute '''''''''feminist'''''''''' jokes!

#i eat my girl dinner of a few crackers and a diet soda i give in to the feminine urge to text my ex and spend frivolously #then i justify it with teehee girl math cos everybody knows girls cant do math or be smart #i listen to the divine feminine reminding me that girls love pseudoscience and real knowledge is for men while girls get to Feel #and any girl who actually cares abt science is probably just faking for men and being a pickme! #btw women dont exist were all Girls forever #like we CANNOT keep advancing this idea that a.) there are magical differences between men and women #and b.) THOSE DIFFERENCES INCLUDE HOW WOMEN CANT DO MATH OR EVER BECOME ACTUAL ADULTS #be a good girl! dont think girl! be financially illiterate girl! eat badly girl! you need to be taken care of girl! #someone else needs to make your decisions for you girl! #terfs done touch this i hate u for real #rain speaking! #sorry i know i harp abt this a lot #but it is for real so distressing to see this shit getting so mainstream #ANYBODY REMEMBER THE 2010S! HOW DID WE GET HERE FROM THAT #like women who love femininity have always been around! im sorta one of them! #but this framing of it as being Innate To Girls is so fucking bad #and it used to be the sort of shit you just saw outright trad freaks parroting #and anyone who critiques the ubiquity of these 'jokes' is accused of being unable to take a joke

[justinefrischmanngf]

going through it.

#i literally thought to myself i need to be 6 again which is how you know things are Not Good!!!!!!!!!! #i don’t know what i Want and it’s driving me CRAZY and every option feels so scary but i don’t think in actuality it is #i’m so fucking tired but i can’t sleep bc i was stupid and slept at 6pm and fucked it up #i have two classes tomorrow and i havent done the work for either of fjem #* them which is embarrassing and i need to make a decision that is quite significant and i thought i knew what i was going to do about it #but now i’m not sure and every minute is getting closer to when i do have to decide #and i’ve got a roommate again so i cant even just. like. idk. #and physically i feel like shit and i have to see my dad tomorrow night and i just wish i wasnt attached to anyone ever #but clearly i dont bc i keep doing things that make me attached to things/people so i need to get over myself #and i’m really worried abt something happening at home like idk it’s set off alarm bells in my head #all of this will be absolutely fine i just wish there wasnt an all of this in the first place #and i wish i could fault something other than my bad decisions but at the end of the day these are consequences of my actions so like. #that’s that and now i have to deal with it

[caruliaa]

i hate tht so much of my life has been me begging others to care about me the way theyre supposed to . i hate that instead of wishing i didnt have to i wish that for once theyd say yes

#aggh. tfw when u start talking more w ur parents esp ur mother who have deeply traumatised you in the past #and who you dint know if u can rly forgive even if they did ever apologixd #they r at least currently being rly nice and somewhat supportive #and you really need that rn after the most important person to u ended ur friendship with them #but then u think abt spending more time with them and do spend more time with them and enjoy it #and then u think aby how one day u r gonna give them they im queer accept it or bye #and you know they arent going to based on past reactions so it is def bye #but you realise ur starting to reach a point again where losing them from yr life is gonna be rly painful #and you dont know what to do bc its not that u cant stay in the closet for tht long #bc u can happily but u dont wanna like. come out and face tht regection later when it hurts more bc u got more attached #got just. fewlings r so stupid why do i like. care about anyone. all its ever gotten me is pain and hurt #its only ever made things worse caring sm i just wish i could turn it off #flappy rambles

[musashi]

.

#feeling so very garbage about myself on this fine day #or rather not me but just. frustrated with my inability to make anyone happy even when im really really really trying #i dont THINK my socials have been dead but maybe they have and i just havent noticed #because i am feeling so incredibly lonely and drained #and honestly just. unloved and unappreciated #i think its probably autistic loneliness because ta/aam act 2 released #which means im back to infodumping in all my servers hoping someone will want to talk about it with me #but knowing its always going to be my most niche special interest and no one is ever going to want to listen to what i have to say abt it #so thats an added loneliness #and then just the heartbreak of #gaining a couple new friends and feeling like we were hitting shit off #only for things to suddenly feel. wrong and bad #plus just a lot of resentment still from the 22nd #my pain over how that whole day played out hasn't gotten any better. i still dont understand what happened. #i feel like every time i open my mouth everyone is laughing at me #i really just need special love and attention right now because i have felt for days like everyone hates me #im trying to be logical and figure out like #if there are holidays im missing or reasons for people to maybe not be around/attentive #but i cant come up with anything #so im trying to figure out what /i/ did #but i don't feel like anything about me has changed besides me being kind of a wreck on the 22nd #and i dont know what to do i just need love an attention so much #and i dont know!!!! where to get it!!!! #reaching out isnt working!!!!!!

[neuropteran]

whenever i get upset abt the price of houses my mother likes to make fun of me by finding the most expensive houses or blocks of tiny bits of land that cost like $650k and showing me. “look at this!” she says. why would i want to see this. and when i get upset and say things like “it should be the government’s responsibility to ensure housing is affordable,” she laughs and says it should but they won’t do anything. it’s so evil to see me distressed about my future and for her to tell me it’s too bad

#I hate her I hate her I hate her #I need to get out of here #Dot.txt #it’s like. Do something then #I had a meltdown bc I was kind of relying on money from my grandma to help me and my grandma told me that #once the money’s divided up there won’t be much left & she’s too afraid to change her will bc she thinks her shitty step children #Will contest the will :| even tho they’ve been awful to her abt money and I was rlly upset for my grandma I can’t believe they’ve treated #her like that. but also it’s like. I rlly rlly needed some financial support from literally anyone in my family and I will never get it :| #And I just don’t know how it’s possible to ever be independent if I can’t get support/help #I’m gonna kill myself if I have to stay here much longer. I rlly will #I can’t stand it #i can’t be around these people anymore. I need to for my mental health #I will never start to heal if I can’t get away #I might have to give up my dog #I don’t want to but I can’t see how I can afford anywhere that will take a dog #I know my grandma has money idk how she thinks I’m not gonna get anything after all the dividing. #I just. Would like ONE adult to give me even a leg up #I wish they’d all die so even if I inherited their debt I wouldn’t have to be around them

[pepprs]

literally for so many reasons i should not do this program tomorrow but explaining why i can’t would be so embarrassing but also i really shouldn’t. lol

#i keep panicking bc i don’t know how to talk abt this in a way that makes it safe for ANYONE. it feels wildly wildly inappropriate to be #participating in a conversation about such an intensely personal sensitive thing LET ALONE facilitating one as someone who has been touched #by it directly. and maybe that’s just me being weird abt this entire broad topic my whole life and uncomfortable at the prospect of even #saying the broad words and touching on the overall topic but this really really feels unbearable and bad. but also i can’t not do it so. lol #purrs #the thought of telling my story and going as deep as i possibly can which might trigger someone when i don’t know who is in the room and #THEN hearing stories from everyone in the room — people i KNOW!!! interact with on a daily basis!!’ — about what horrific things they mightv #been through and getting triggered by that. AND possibly also having ppl in the room who think it’s all bullshit and will say stuff and #everyone else is allowed to react if they’re triggered by that but i am not because im the facilitator and my job is to deescalate. like lol #how am i supposed to do any one of those things. potentially all of them. i feel like collapsing and to say why it makes me feel like #collapsing would involve me having to explain this to people i know anyway so either way im fucked. and like i do want to talk about it very #much but also i dont. at least not until i know what everyone has gone through first. bc i don’t want to hurt anyone bc it can be painful an #and i get hurt by hearing stories too. which is like dumb bc it’s not even MY thing to have stories about lol but im still like this. anyway #this is clearly something i need to be working thru in therapy bc it impacts my life in ways literally no one else in the world sees or #knows about but i don’t know if i will ever be able to bring it up in therapy bc it is just so uncomfortable and embarrassing for me. lol #and like i know km going to contradict myself in even telling the story too which will open the door for someone on the other side to do a #gotcha. and i don’t even know what to do w that. i don’t trust anyone who might be in that room to listen or understand or protect me which #i especially should just let go of because as the facilitator im the person who has to do the protecting. and it sucks bc i need protecting #with this and i will have to pretend im strong and healthy about it when really i have no right to be leading a conversation about it or #even talking about it bc it happened to me but not in ways that anybody even thinks about or cares to think about. so lol. ok stop rambling #even before this all started i have a tjougjt related to this topic every single day. every single one. and it just makes me squirm to think #that now i have to talk about it bc it’s my job. and i really really want to. and i really really don’t

[yamikawas]

thinking abt my gf doing cute things like being obsessed with me and stalking me and kidnapping me and killing anyone who gets too close to me etc The usual<3

#wish she would just invite me over to her house and i find a room with a whole shrine for me with photos of me and stolen items and all #and she notices me looking and panics thinking that im gonna be freaked out but im just like UR SO OBSESSED WITH ME OMG IM SO HAPPYYY<3<3<3 #maybe she would want to keep me locked up in her room until shes absolutely sure that im happy with it<3<3<3ehehe<3<3<3 #hell even when she Is sure shes like ''well if u love my obsession with u so much then theres just no reason to let u go now is there<3'' #so she just holds me captive and obsesses over me for the rest of eternity and starts adding my missing posters to her shrine<3<3<3 #but also yknow if shes stalking me constantly and knows everything abt me she would know abt my yanblog and know im just as deranged as her #.............but she can still kidnap me just bc she wants to and knows i want her to<3<3<3 #god i hope she knows i how badly i want her to<3<3<3 #id absolutely stab someone to death if it meant she would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER LET ME GO #and if she does ever let me go im stabbing people to death until im back at her side where i belong #and if she ever wants to go out like on a date with me or something she should keep me handcuffed to her and it should be late at night so #no one sees us and if anyone Does see us we kill them and we break in to cafes and stuff for an insane lil cafe date<3 #god i am just.thinking So Much #shes just Everything to me i want to stay with her forever and ever and ever and itd make me so happy if she wanted me to stay with her #forever too to the point that she wants to hold me captive bc she just loves me so much #like just the idea of her wanting to be with me at all times So Badly to the point that she wants to straight up kidnap me and never let me #out of her sight again<3<3<3aaaaaaaaaaaa id never want to escape from herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr<3<3<3 #idk how to even explain it i just.Need to be Loved and Wanted and Needed an Insane Amout #by Her in Specific<3 #i just love her and want her and need her an insane amount and i need her to love me in just the same way<3 #yoomie darling if ur reading this i love you i love you i love you i love you i LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I L O V E Y O U #please love me<3 #tobi.txt #<-really normal sorry ipromise

[justinefrischmanngf]

was remembering every time i’ve had meaningful physical contact with another person and wondering why i was going crazy over it and it’s literally because i saw my family for a week and a half and there was so much hugging (not 8 hugs a day i still dont know how that’s possible. but like. regular hugs and family catch ups so that too) and now i’ve touched another human being once in the week and a bit since i’ve been back………………………….. maybe i’ll shake someone’s hand tmrw and that’ll be twice .

#i’m so weird abt physical contact but it would be nice. to just. come in contact with another person maybe #that being said i was sitting outside eating dinner earlier and was filled with such relief that i have like. 2 friends here #who i dont see super often so i’m like ! free ! and get all the alone time i need #but also…… maybe physical contact is good 4 u. sometimes. #a week and a half isnt v long 2 go without it tbh #but idk. rly remembering every time anyone has ever touched me rn #OH YOU KNOW WHAT my period’s due next week i think #anyway i miss that girl from that one play i worked on who shoved herself into me like. i talk abt it too much. but moment of all time. #basically i need 2 have gay sex rn does anyone want to volunteer

[britneyshakespeare]

a couple of girls on the playground today were asking me if i was married, if i was ever going to get married, and one of them said “do you want to be an old cat lady?” and i replied “well i wouldn’t mind it,” completely forgetting that old cat lady is a mocking trope of single women after a certain age, and then she said “don’t you wanna be a bae?” and i was like oh yeah sure. i thought you meant would i like to have cats. yes i would.

#that was very aro of me #to the question 'are you going to get married' i always answer 'if/when i meet someone i want to marry' #ive said it before (in a tag rant im sure) that i do kind of envy the stability/commitment that the institution of marriage has. it's hard #to picture myself getting more and more in my adult years and having only myself to rely on. financially emotionally etc. #i would love to live with someone i love for the rest of my life and even legally marry them. i just dont know how/if that'd ever happen #those kids dont know what aromanticism is and im not in the business of explaining my deeper feelings/conflicts to them. lol #tales from diana #also that girl who said it said it somewhat as a joke and i dont blame her for. you know. making that comment. i know she likes me a lot #she has told me im pretty and she often asks if i have a boyfriend etc. im basically the only one she talks to. shes the grade 5 on thursday #im sure when i tell her im not seeing anyone she doesnt see it as something pathetic but i do make sure to stress that it's about the person #moreso than the status of being in a relationship. #at that age you don't know the difference very much #and this fifth grader has told me before that she has her first little boyfriend. (this is all stuff she's disclosed not that ive asked abt) #(but i will listen to of course if a child is bringing it up & wants to talk about their life w a trusted adult) #and she says theyve only like held hands and theyre mostly just friends. that was a relief to me. #shes also mentioned to me that another boy in her class asked her out and she said no (bc of the boyfriend) #and of course she's going into middle school next year. so. to her this is a very formative time to be thinking about herself in that sense #as a person who wants/pursues romance. which i THOUGHT i was when i was her age (though i never had a boyfriend or any male attention then) #i trust her i think she's very smart. but she's YOUNG y'know so it's not her fault she's got all these mixed messages from media and culture #these things are becoming more important in her life so i'm glad to be a representation of Being Cool & Older & Mature wo needing a bae #not that i think im making THAT big of an impact on her. but you know. i never knew a cool girl in her early 20s when i was 11 #who repeatedly told me nothing about her love life & only said no every time i asked if she had a partner. #i think had i seen that. i would've felt more ok w being perpetually single as a tween/teen lol. #or maybe not. a lot of my insecurity came from the fact that nobody ever explicitly asked me out etc. idk. whatever #miss diana is so cool. i'm gonna miss fifth grader though when she graduates. i only have one thursday left w her :''''''''(

[be-good-to-bugs]

itd be so cool if the shitty people in my life were not shitty and were actually slightly decent

#the bin #:/ i wanna stop feeling horrible abt shit with my sister but it makes me so angry and upset ALL the time #im so fucked up abt this. how could i not be. i guess. hhhhh. i dont know what to do. it sucks so much. #its so hard to deal with the aftermath of a deeply abusive relationship in general. and when you cant talk to anyone about it or tell #anyone who knows that person. and you have to continue to be nice or at least civil with them. probably forever. #that SUUUUCKS. she is so awful. shes always been awful. i want to heal from that experience but i feel like im still stuck #probably mostly because im literally physically stuck 1000 miles away from everyone else i know in a place where shes the only person i know #but even after that i think ill still feel so stuck. theres a lot of things she has that i really need to get from her before i do anything #that might make her mad at me. i want to delete our stupid chat full of uncomfortable shit vut thats gonna piss her off #she has a lot of pictures of me from when i was younger and those are pretty much the only pictures of me from then #i can barely even remember those years. id like to get those if i can. also i wanna see if i can convince her to delete all the weird videos #she took of me without my consent while i was having psychotic episodes bc like. what the fuck. AND i know she literally just shows them #to her friends and laughs at them bc shes told me she does. which is very upsetting. and if i can get her to delete them id feek so much #better and not be upset over that all the time #i just cant get iver how much she fucking sucks. she does so much fucked up shit and its so awful. why would she ever think its ok ti record #me when im not in a good headspace. without telling me. and then upload it to her snapchat also without telling me #i only found out about her doing that originally because she decided to show me some of the funny things people said about me on the #video i didnt even know existed and had no memory of what happened. she loves to claim shes so chill and nice and good about mental #illness and she understands it so much and would never ever do anything weird and ableist like that. and then does that. #i feel so much worse abiut myslef and all the behaviors i have caused by my myriad of mental shit specifically because of her #ugh i am so not looking forward to being in a car with her for 20 hours when i move. but thats how it has to be.