#video i didnt even know existed and had no memory of what happened. she loves to claim shes so chill and nice and good about mental

[be-good-to-bugs]

itd be so cool if the shitty people in my life were not shitty and were actually slightly decent

#the bin #:/ i wanna stop feeling horrible abt shit with my sister but it makes me so angry and upset ALL the time #im so fucked up abt this. how could i not be. i guess. hhhhh. i dont know what to do. it sucks so much. #its so hard to deal with the aftermath of a deeply abusive relationship in general. and when you cant talk to anyone about it or tell #anyone who knows that person. and you have to continue to be nice or at least civil with them. probably forever. #that SUUUUCKS. she is so awful. shes always been awful. i want to heal from that experience but i feel like im still stuck #probably mostly because im literally physically stuck 1000 miles away from everyone else i know in a place where shes the only person i know #but even after that i think ill still feel so stuck. theres a lot of things she has that i really need to get from her before i do anything #that might make her mad at me. i want to delete our stupid chat full of uncomfortable shit vut thats gonna piss her off #she has a lot of pictures of me from when i was younger and those are pretty much the only pictures of me from then #i can barely even remember those years. id like to get those if i can. also i wanna see if i can convince her to delete all the weird videos #she took of me without my consent while i was having psychotic episodes bc like. what the fuck. AND i know she literally just shows them #to her friends and laughs at them bc shes told me she does. which is very upsetting. and if i can get her to delete them id feek so much #better and not be upset over that all the time #i just cant get iver how much she fucking sucks. she does so much fucked up shit and its so awful. why would she ever think its ok ti record #me when im not in a good headspace. without telling me. and then upload it to her snapchat also without telling me #i only found out about her doing that originally because she decided to show me some of the funny things people said about me on the #video i didnt even know existed and had no memory of what happened. she loves to claim shes so chill and nice and good about mental #illness and she understands it so much and would never ever do anything weird and ableist like that. and then does that. #i feel so much worse abiut myslef and all the behaviors i have caused by my myriad of mental shit specifically because of her #ugh i am so not looking forward to being in a car with her for 20 hours when i move. but thats how it has to be.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review ch (90)- First pages ONLY.

I skimmed thro ch-89 to know the context of ch-90. it was Cinderella’s play. In this chapter, Kyo says early on, that time has passed since the play & that they are NOW starting their third year in high school. cool.

This part will ONLY focus on the 1st few pages of ch 90 abt (kyo & tohru) & stop before kyo’s memories starts, because the early pages contain:

Tons of new unexplored analysis of (kyo & tohru) characters that unfortunately was intentionally cut & worse! “changed” in the anime.

No space to add kyoko’s story in this post.

Kyoko’s story is full psychologically & socially.. I need to take a deeeeeeep breath before I unpack it. very deeeeep breath!

-Glimpses of Tohru (the silent grieving girl) Subtle Writing of Grief:

Right from the beginning, I hate how much insight into tohru’s grief & weakness as a human being is already there in the first few pages of ch-90 than the entire 3 seasons of the anime! From few pages we have:

Tohru’s seemingly delighted watching a video. Subtly, showcasing tohru’s grieve & paving the path for tohru’s trauma exploration later in the story. Grief is not sth you quickly past, that’s the most tragic misunderstanding of grief. Time will pass, so, you’ll be better & healthier. Really?!. Tohru’s inner desire to see her mom alive manifested in her words: “ like a photo comes to life” T_T.

The story/writing/manga is acknowledging tohru’s heartbreaking & NOT cute habit of talking to her mom’s cold dead photo! In the anime, tohru talks to her a lot in se01 & it’s up to you to see as as “ cute” as all the canon characters do or actually feeling it IS wrong. Kyo’s  “ what would she do if there were a video of her mom”! “ drives the point more abt tohru being a sad grieving human~not the “advice-giving, optimistic angel, & rain-stopping sunshine in the anime.

Tohru telling kyo to NOT catch cold connecting it to se01, ep 9 (haru’s ep) when tohru was afraid that yuki might catch cold & kyo noticed that! so now in se03, they’re dropping this plot altogether within the main anime, for what? we dont even know if this part would be included in whatever “ kyoko’s” spinoff content would be. -_-’.

That’s how you write subtle trauma such as (grief) for a main (female) MC. subtlety is the key. Respect the viewers intelligence & do it.

You don’t have to give her the long speeches or the many focused ep that yuki had. he’s the kind who confront himself inwardly constantly.

You don’t have to showcase drama, confrontation & force the emotions out like you did with kyo. he runs from his trauma & punishes himself.

Tohru buries her feelings! she’s different from both kyo & yuki. So, with her subtle & symbolic scenes are enough!!!The viewers will catch it if you show it, but ignoring it, cutting it & hoping the viewers will magically predict what you cut, is weird. But the anime isn’t even into us predicting nor subtly showing her cuz this tohru is NOT the tohru we have in the anime. How?

Simply cuz there is no kyo’s inner thoughts abt small things such as tohru’s photo obsession which subtly shows her grief & trauma. If kyo didn’t monologue abt her, tohru does not exist as she’s meant to be. You loose the subtle insights into tohru if you cut kyo’s inner thoughts. Not everything kyo thinks abt in regards to tohru is romance!!! That’s a very narrow & superficial look into the writing of kyo/’tohru dynamics. Flip the pages, hmm..cut this kyoru scene here & there cuz we dont want the anime to be only their love story.. But the story itself IS NOT only their love story at all. These pages/scenes here are abt tohru as a PERSON. Not tohru the lover...

- Writing Clashes between manga & anime: (Kyo’s Conscious Gradual Psychological Exploration vs Shock Value & Drama)

In ch 90 i really love all the inner self talking that kyo’s doing. It really explains why he ended up rejecting tohru so strongly. Also, going for a trip into kyo’s mind is hella exciting, new, refreshing & full of analysis-worthy exploration! Kyo’s inner psychological argument with himself is a psychologically-informed presentation of a tried guilty mind:

“ Why can’t I stop thinking of (kyoko’s words) lately? Acknowledging that he IS remembering kyoko & never forgot her. This is also supported in the anime itself. When he apologized to a sleeping tohru in se01, ep14 & se02, ep9 , confronting yuki in the stairs & other instances as well. 

“ It’s like a lid been opened & all the memories came pouring”. Acknowledging that kyo DID open his lid since se02, ep9 byt chose to run & not confront it due to his guilt of ruining tohru’s happiness by confessing his connection to her mom. 

“ pretending I didn’t know, pretending I forgot”. Here is a blatant clash in kyo’s writing (1) between the anime & manga (2) between the anime’s episodes themselves!!. In the manga, again kyo chose to ignore & pretended to forget. Death is NOT sth you forgot. Kyo saw kyoko bleeding & dying.  The anime chose to make him totally forget & it could’ve worked if they didn’t included all the canon moments of him actually remembering & pretending to forget. Is that lazy writing? or was the director for se03 different from se 1 &2 &? chose to NOT watch the two previous seasons? Why would you consciously include a contradicting depiction of your character on screen for thousands of confused viewers? Was the scene of kyo’s shocked gave upon seeing kyoko’s photo that artistically appealing that you forgot everything? I really have NO problem of kyo forgetting kyoko if that was written in the anime since se01, but it wasn't. that's why it sucks. 

“Is this payback? maybe I want to blame ME?” augh! i love this line so much! Directly hinting to the viewers that this is kyo’s one-sided guilt before his story with kyoko even started! subtly paving the path for the reason of his rejection of tohru” I dont want forgiveness. I want to blame ME.

-I don’t mind that the anime left kyo’s thoughts of kyoko until the climax in eo8, cuz ep 8 was SO well-done! Se03, ep 8 pacing was very suitable to (1) uncovering dark secrets & death, trauma, & guilt. (2)  for exploring the effects such secrets on kyo’s character, decisions, mentality. Also, the animation of kyo’s face all ep 8 was one of the most expressive facial expressions the anime has ever delivered! The eyebrows, eyes, mouth, tears, body languages, heartache was all 100% perfect. The fact that the following eps didnt have much time to express everything & chapters were cramped is not ep 8′s fault but the decision to have 13 eps. Kyo’s delayed trauma deserved to have its own ep.

-What I DO mind is the added scene of ep 6 where he freaked out upon seeing kyoko’s picture, the concept of shock is perfect & so suitable for an anime but was NEVER properly written into the anime itself from the beginning. On the contrary, the anime itself contradict such usage of such value. Good job ruining an otherwise perfect-depiction of two traumatized characters (kyo & tohru) with ONE scene.. -_-

Side Notes:

I thought tohru is narrating the 1st page in ch-90, turned it out it is kyo!!!! Kyo narrates sth? Kyo monologues? kyo has a POV? Just the setting of kyo doing that feels different! I duno if it cuz when that happens in the anime it’s always clash & drama! lol, or cuz it’s sth original!

Shigure’s “ it’s broadcasted all over the nation” is epic! XD! you know poor stupid kyo would fall for that! XD. kyo, you really are an idiot! XD... man this scene would’ve been epic comedy~ lol.

Tohru not knowing what a “dvd” is is outdated for the anime, but to still keep the sentiment of “her wishing she’d have a video footage of her mom”, they could’ve replaced her words with “ It’d be fun watching this play years from now & remembering all the details”. I know that to some, it feels weird that tohru doesn't have video footage of her mom in this era. but trust me, this is more common than you might think. My late brother, who’s way younger than me, doesn't have much video footage, he always felt awkward & preferred not to be filmed. We got photos for him tho~

Even if you want kyo’s knowledge of kyoko to be in the climax only. You can always include this scene of tohru & kyo in the first pages in the anime somehow. It doesn't even need to be abt the dvd even tho that’s manageable. Cutting this short scene of them talking abt videos, & catching cold is cutting tohru’s trauma from its core. Then, the old grandpa’s narration from se03, ep6 would at least have some backup in the anime’s canon.

Momiji & shigure are perfect as a comedic duo!

I can’t get over tohru’s art~ <3

Pinning kyo at the beginning is epic~ kyo always gets the BEST romantic lines when he talks to himself. “ burning (tohru’s ) memories into my head or forgetting everything”. The torturing fire inside him is only distinguished by loving her but is also ignited by loving her~ what’s the solution~

#Fruits Basket #manga #fruits basket manga #manga spoilers #reading paper #love the new content! #Hate the missing content #lol

[dallonm-archive]

So I Turned Church Mud Into A Novel Lol Oops | NaNoWriMo 2020

Folks the JOURNEY I have been on in the last 3 days. I’ve been on a great albeit chaotic Church Mud high and it led to? This? 

For those who don’t know, Church Mud is meant to be a ~7k words short story for my writing dissertation (and it still is). I attempted to do Draft Zero over summer, completely missed the mark, pretended it didnt exist for a month and here we are. One thing I learnt from that attempt though was that there is a much wider story to be told than what we’d see in those 7k words. Back then I was content with it only existing as a short story, not having all the parts told, because I liked the idea of Felix and Dorothy existing in this small window with a happy ending that’d otherwise be temporary. But I cannot help myself :)  I met my advisor on Wednesday and reaffirmed that I’m at a really good place with this story in terms of ideas, themes and character - what’s missing was just the plot. So that’s what I’ve been working on (and killing my sleep schedule over) since, and what happened was:  I realise most of my ideas wouldn’t fit the short story --> But they’d work in a novel --> So I guess I’m writing Church Mud as a novel after I graduate? --> But I kinda wanna write it now --> But I can’t --> But I want to --> Chloe your dissertation --> Hey you want more novel content? Here’s chapter titles --> God I Can’t Wait To Write This As A Novel --> Hey that thing where you write a novel in a month is happening soon...could be a...perfect excuse to...….,,,

So I had a ~revelation~ at 4am: why can’t I write it now? NaNoWriMo coincides with when I’m meant to brainstorm this story, so why don’t I take what I have and pants it as a novel, intentionally #LoseNano2020 and use what I wrote to infer what the short story will look like whilst also have a Draft Zero to work with/finish/rewrite next year? I debated if this was a good idea because it felt ~unconventional~ but I realised that a) I want to write this as a novel anyway and b) this is where I’m loving the project and that’s what matters and c) makes it feel less like uni work lol  I’ve spent the all day playing around with what Church Mud The Novel would look like, and not only am I o b s s e s s e d but it also taught me? so much? about the short story? I was worried it’d get complicated but from the vague plot idea I have, I have a clear vision of Church Mud The Short Story separate from the novel, but I also see how it would fit into the novel as a chapter, and seeing where it’d fit in has really helped me figure out where it sits in the twins’ lives and so many elements I hadn’t considered before. I believe very strongly in Writers Intuition and my intuition is telling me that this is the direction I need to go with this project. My only issue is Church Mud doesn’t fit as a title for the novel at all and was never going to be the title, but I really don’t care oop, I’m not titling it until next year unless I come up with a title so good I want to change the short story as well lmao. But other than that this is working so well for me and really catalysed the momentum I already had atm for this story. I’ve also wanted to rework how I share Church Mud things here and this is a perfect way to at least for the next month, but before I ramble more lets actually talk about where the story is!

CHURCH MUD

Genre: literary fiction Setting: California (+ probably some other states? Idk I’m not American wtf is a state), 1986 POV: third person present + retrospective moments, split between twins Felix and Dorothy The Vibes: hazy summers, hot air, 3am, saltwater breeze, grainy photographs, empty roads at night, the moon blurred by clouds, arms resting out car windows, abandoned churches, telephone boxes, getting lost on purpose, cigarette smoke, dust from an old Bible Deals with: faith & the weaponization of it to control others, identity, perceptions of reality, chosen family, independence v co-dependence, free will, trauma & what it means to “let go”

CONTENT WARNINGS: religion/religious imagery (specifically Christianity), trauma, toxic relationships, inferred addiction (all updates will be tagged with these/any more specific warnings) 

This is still in very early conception, in the sense of it’s existence as a novel, but it’s definitely an expansion on the ideas I had for the short story, where these two seek to let go of their past together so they can live their own, new lives, and also restore their tangled relationship that could never be fixed through letters and distant contact.  When Dorothy left the controlling religious cult she grew up in, she never gave herself a chance to properly process the complicated emotions that came with that decision, or the trauma she went through, opting to cope with it by putting all her energy into building her new life and embracing her identity. Watching her brother navigate the same new, confusing path she took four years ago forces her to look back on her own experience, and the repressed memories of events that prompted her to leave in the first place. When Felix catches up with her, he struggles with the realisation that adjusting to this new life and world won’t be easy, and whilst it was the right choice, his impulsive decision has ramifications. Trauma does not necessarily stay in the place you associate it with and for Felix, it’s like seeing all of it from a birds eye view, all at once, including everything he blocked out. With his faith, his sister, and his drive to be a good person, he has hope for himself and the world, but the pain and anger he harbours will not make it easy for him. ^by no means a pitch literally just the copy paste of the quick summary I wrote for myself lmao

The most exciting part of this to me is how different, yet similar the novel feels. This version of the story isn’t necessarily happier, it’s still rough around the edges, but it’s definitely from a different mindset and there’s this haziness to it that doesn’t exist in the short story. It feels like a grainy home video that they’d never let see the light of day. I wouldn’t call it dreamlike or softer because of this, but there is this distinct tonal shift from the short story to the novel that I can only describe through the aforementioned Vibes. As I said, I have an idea of where the short story would fit into the novel’s timeline as a chapter, but they still won’t be the same. The short story is obviously more restricted to one singular event, and that turns the intensity and tension up high. This difference is also 100% influenced by the fact that the short story is set only at night (bar for some potential flashbacks), and the night plays a huge thematic and atmospheric role. Of course parts of the novel will take place at night, but the presence of daytime changes the mindset to me? In the short story it feels like they’re stuck in this perpetuate-esque night, whereas in the novel you know that the sun will always rise.

This story is also very different aesthetically, but at the same time elements of the short story’s aesthetic come into play and clash with the unique aesthetic of the novel, where they coexist, but are also in conflict with each other. As you can tell from these two moodboards where you can really see how for the second I gave up trying to make it coherent lmao: 

To me there are two distinct aesthetics, and they are both very different and exist in different ways, but they are both inherently part of the story, and it feeds into this idea of perception of reality and these two realities that the twins perceive: the “outside world” and the gated world they grew up in.

The stars of the show, my favourite disaster twins:

Not fragile, but not made of stone either

Loves very hard, sometimes more than she’d like 

A protective and loyal soul, especially with those she loves, but she never wants to forget to protect herself 

If I’m in love with my best (female) friend, no I’m not <3

-goes to the edge of the pier and stares wistfully at the ocean so everyone knows that I am the main character- 

Loves her brother more than anyone else but is struggling to figure out his new role in her life. As teenagers she felt painfully tethered to him because they were always The Twins, and she had nobody else, as adults she hopes to find a balance between their deeply close bond and their harshly different lives 

Arc driven by defining your identity and then redefining it, and facing the parts of it you’d rather lock far away. Also deals with her experience growing up as a girl in a religious cult in the 60s/70s, and the relationship faith has with her feminist identity. 

As of now, there’s more focus on him in the novel, since the short story focuses on Dorothy and I feel to write him from an observer perspective I need to get into his head first 

Just found out restarting your life completely is hard?

Trying to be a good person, wants to be a good person, but there’s an anger in him that he hates but it’s festering and it’s growing

But ultimately he is a sweet and soft person and that’s what he wants to be in life even though it’s hard, it shows especially with his sister

I think at some point he locks himself in a cabin and? I would too

Centred around perception of trauma and v influenced by my own experiences with that, where you think things will be easier as soon as you leave that situation but really it just makes you look at everything from a distance and be like “what the fuck?? that actually happened??” (which conflicts with the fact that you KNOW you’re in a better place and you would never go back, but it hurts and it’s hard especially understanding the placement of your trauma in this new space) 

I need to give this dude and his sister a happy ending for my own wellbeing. I don’t know how that’ll look but these two will get their happy endings. I actually don’t think I’ve loved two characters more and I love all my characters deeply 

And I think that’s all for now! This 100% was not the direction I expected to take but I am so glad I did, and I also love the opportunity to reintroduce this story because good Lord it’s changed so much (and this instance is the most change). I also think this is the perfect Nano scenario for me, as someone who’s never done it before, there’s zero pressure on me to “win” because I don’t expect to even finish this. I’m just going to see where it takes me and see what it’s given me at the end of the month.  I’m also not outlining this at all lmao, one because me and outlines do not get along but also my Preptober is just. the work I have to do for my dissertation anyway, which is reading and gathering a lot of fiction/nonfiction about cults/religion, and all the weird and unhinged takes on it. It’s very slow but it’s also fun! My uni work this weekend is literally to read The Girls by Emma Cline so I think I won here?? I also want to dedicate the rest of October to the short stories I planned to write for Nano (I was going to work on my collection).

I don’t know if I’ll do a taglist for this - I have the og Church Mud one but like I said I’m rethinking how I want to share this story and updates for this will only be regular in November so?? But chances are I will be constantly on my bullshit for the next month and a half with this story, pretty update or no pretty update 

My NaNoWriMo page is here, although fair warning I have No idea how this site works, this is my boomer moment. Excited to clown about this story though!

- Chloe 

#first off my fatal flaw is interchanging between Felix and Dorothy and Dorothy and Felix #second off i would die and kill for them #writing #amwriting #writeblr #writeblr community #religion / #trauma / #nanowrimo #nanowrimo 2020

[olde-scratch]

So I watched LUCIDS 1-4 without any prior knowledge...

and here were my thoughts. I didn’t watch any backstory or anything so enjoy my suffering.

PART 1

“So what happens when the people inside of their dreams go to sleep?” They die

“What happens when we wake up? Do they go on living while we’re not there?” THEY DIE-

“Who are they anyway?” they’re faces that our brain catalogs and stores for later use, although it’s also arguable that every time we dream we go to an alternate reality and inhabit the body of another version of ourselves. Now, were you in a car accident and trapped underwater or-

Are they twins?

(Me tuning out to do something)

“-the squirrel in spongebob was your soulmate, making you a Sandy simp-”

Me, snapping back to the video: hold up-

[missed the part about the worksheet, realized it when i rewatched 10 mins later to make this post]

yall speakin gibberish idk what youre saying-

“I’m gonna go to bed.” bro it literally looks like morning-

“You should get some sleep you look terrible.” i get six hours of sleep a night minimum and i look worse than him shut up bro-

“jump into someone else’s dream” ah i know this con-

why they all got the same face-

haha funni meme

“--an interruptiion can create feedback and tear them apart.” Death. I long for thee.

Is that Karl Jacob’s jacket?

“a second grader” makes me think this is a different school system. [i was wrong? i think?]

“[get him to] eat your apple”

[in the dream sequence] weird dream, but ive had weirder. now, Why Pamper’s-

why does he suddenly have a knife-

“You put a filter on the Dreamscape feed?”

“Technically, you are seven years old.”

???????????

the second hand embarrassment is UGGGHHH

[reading the description] you mean like the guy who was knocked out for 2 minutes on a football field and woke to find he’d dreamt 17 years of his life? oh this shall be Fun

PART 2

[I check the description] “jasper cult” what the fu-

how many camp camp references can i make during this

Is the apple a reference to religion or does the creator just really ilke apples?

“meal.”

“meal?”

meal????

Wait why couldn’t that guy eat the apple? If he wanted it in the fruit bowl, wouldn’t there be a chance of the guy eating it anyways?? Why can’t the guy who brought the apple eat it?

well he’s Dead

[debating if I should read the backstory}

n a h h h h h -

Was he gonna feed the dead guy the apple or something? Why is he upset about the apple in this scene???

oooo the grownups are fightinnnngggg

Is he an antagonist?

HE WROTE A BOOK???

oh now i want food

ESTABLISH JUSTICE ENSURE DOMESTIC TRANQUILITYYYYYYYYYYYYY

“I watched all those aforementioned shows” what shows did i miss something what-

man why you gotta hate on her jane austen fanfic let her live bro

string theory! i can get behind that! sorta-

o no he found the memes-

BOY GOT KNOCKED OUT-

kim there’s people that are dying-

is SHE an antagonist?

quinn? calling himself jasper? u sure hes not just nonbinary? is this just a metaphor for transphobic parenting?

“He died... but somewhere, he grew up.” So is your plan to take a Quinn from a different universe and make him your own, thereby robbing another version of yourself from happiness? When does this ever go well?

Yknow most people, when they lose a kid,,,, kinda,,,,,,, dont go on a ceaseless quest to find another version of their kid that grew up without knowing that another version of his mother was invading other peoples’ dreams to find and kidnap him,,,,,,,, like aint u got a therapist-

“Once you get past the point of not knowing what’s real anymore, you realize it doesn’t matter.” Well, I Got Called Out-

PART 3

“you’re real, oliver.”

aRe yOu sUrE aBoUt tHaT-

“you’ve been infected by the anti-love parasite of Mandadon” the amatonormativity is strong

so anyways ive been infected since birth hbu-

“James Jasperson, creator of Japple” did you mean to Fancy Well-Educated Man in a Black Turtleneck? cause the only FWEMBT i allow near me is prof. hidgens

“are you winning?” says the capitalist

why did you rewind to see his face?? you have the same face????? is this just bc the creator doesnt like working with other people cause in that case same but???????

“it’s a bad idea. i’m not gonna do it.” we’ve all been there. and we’ve all done it.

looks like me trying to study. (i say, a person who has studied a total of five minutes throughout their entire life.)

your “Spartan trial” looks like a bunch of guys standing on a hill pretending to be something they’re not. Let The Man Bring His Snacks.

eat the apple.

is this your first existential crisis or something what a loser lets all point and laugh

“One of you should be spared, the other shall’nt.” did you mean shant or was that a choice-

yall gonna get called out for talking shut UP

“sorry if this is too personal, btw. are you okay?”

me, confused and half understanding what’s going on and also needing to sleep cause its almost one in the morning but wanting to finish what i can find of lucids which i only starting watching cause i saw an animatic of ranboo and dream w audio from it: i don’t know anymore

“i just want my life back... i was gonna get married-” AREN’T YOU LIKE SEVEN-

ay man if this is a sacrificial cult yall gotta get daniel-

UPDATE: I  H A V E  N O T  F O U N D  I T -

“oliver”

I  F O U N D   I  T -

WHICH ONE IS QUINN?? WHO’S JASPER???? WHICH ONE IS BENJAMIN???? I THOUGH BENJAMIN WAS SEVEN BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE GETTING MARRIED WHAT-

oliver. eat the apple.

“Can you still have memories even when you’re dreaming?” One time I woke up to my alarm and fell back asleep and in my dream I remembered that I had class in a few minutes and my dream self woke my real self up so fast I thought I was gonna get whiplash. Anyways, I was late to class bc of my computer but that doesn’t matter.

NOPE I FOUND IT. HERE’S THE AUDIO. THE ANIMATIC ONE. FINALLY.

im thinking car crash. but also maybe murder. but also maybe both? is it raining or was he drowning? is he in a coma? hmmmmmm?

wait olivers the one with the apple does that mean he’s the one dreaming? is the ending gonna be him and jasper (quinn? idk) fighting against ben and mrs hills about jasper eating the apple to save oliver from the dream? hmmmmmmmmmm-

waitwaitwait i thought oliver was 7 how is benjamin 7 years younger than him if they look the same age what what what explain america explain what you mean arkansaw-

are the cuts on his nose plot-relevant or

“What if you hadn’t been driving?” So I was right about the car accident but Mrs. Hills still said he was seven so did i mishear her say that BENJAMIN was seven? but even then oliver would be 14 and that would still be illegal-

“How are you feeling?”

“Like you’re a pretty bad therapist.”

mood

“--it makes it all bearable to have power over the stories we write in our heads” that’s why i write fanfiction

HE’S GOT THE NOTEBOOK HE’S GONNA WRITE SOMETHING ONE OF US ONE OF US ONE OF US

WHAT YOU MEAN AN EXPERIMENT THAT’S HIS NAME-

[upon reading the description] so i was right.

wait was that supposed to be the twist in part 2 about the apple in his pocket is that what the existential crisis was about i thought it was because he was introduced to the multiple worlds theory-

PART 4

wait wasnt the other one january 2018 why we going back to 2017-

appol

“--the future and the past all already exist” mhm yep figured this out long ago

there was simultaneously a point in time in which i hadn’t known about this, had been looking it up, had been watching it, and had been writing an ending to this post, and had been posting it the next morning before class. that time is both now and not now. Welcome To The Multiverse Theory or whatever its called-

“--my favorite scene of the movie is waking up next to you.” Mine is eating fast food as I listen to AJJ and play Minecraft. We are not the same.

Now I’m hungry but it’s 1 in the morning and i already put my retainer in god fu-

[reading description] what do you mean previously??? she did that in the first episode????????

[still on description] WHAT DO YOU MEAN WILL QUINN BITE THE APPLE AND GO TO BENJAMINS REALITY ISNT THIS OLIVERS REALITY AND HE HAS TO GET BEN TO BITE THE APPLE WHY IS APPLE CAPITALIZED IS THIS THE DOING OF THE FWEMBT

i should have watched the backstory i should have watched the backstory i should have watched the backstory i should have wa-

[description] oh ive been spelling quinn right the whole time nice

i hope she rejects you /j

WAIT BENJAMIN WAS THE ONE GETTING MARRIED TO ISABELLE

ISNT HE IN SECOND GRADE-

HE IS SEVEN YEARS OLD HOW IS HE GETTING MARRIED ARE THERE TWO BENJAMINS THAT WE’RE FOCUSING ON-

bro get out of the road ull get hit

how do you knOW WHICH ONE IS QUINN THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON-

so

wait

hills wants ben to feed quinn the apple bc in his mind, that will give hills and quinn a happy ending and she doesnt want ben to see the apple bc thats gonna mean ben will know that his reality isnt reality at all. so then oliver has to,,,, not let anyone eat his apple? he just has to wake up?

IS HILLS THE VILLAIN AFTER ALL ORRRRR

wait but if ben sees the apple wont he realize that his reality is wrong and his reality will change, making it so that hills doesnt get her son? or is there some time-based rule that says they’re only transported to the reality that the person believes at that moment? or is this another stab at the multiverse thing where an infinite amount of hills gets their happy endings while an infinite amount of hills doesnt and etc etc?

i should have watched the ba-

oooo dramatique

they’re in a time loop?

nope thats a new powerpoint

wait so theyre,,,, no-

wait-

nvm-

IS THE BEN WE KNOW AN ADULT GETTING MARRIED TO ISABELLE OR NOT-

“they were actually pretty nice” didnt they throw someone off a cliff-

oh so it got confusing THEN??? NOT BEFORE?????

“it all seemed so real.” is that Not the point of vivid REM sleep hallucinations-

is oliver gonna show ben the apple and ruin hills’ whole operation

WHO ARE ALEX AND RYAN-

“what’s 25-8″ bro dont do this to me-

yep hes gonna show the apple

ayyy the guy who stole karl jacobs jacket it back

the second hand embarrassment is back and I Hate It

all that happens in episode ONE??? bro get some better writers that is bad pacing

“it’s the best!” wait until season eight. no show has a good season eight.

quinn knows about the apple thing w the dreams and multiverse and realities dont he

YOU KILLED HIM

NOT KARL JACOBS NOOOOO HES ALREADY DIED ONCE

oliver is v relatable

wHaT iN tArNaTiOn-

lemme hear that explanaton again-

is bill cipher gonna show up? i hope bill cipher shows up. i miss gravity falls

“ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!” moooooooood

did hills murder quinn

is your family the jasper cult

TOXXIICCCCCC get that lady out of your life quinn that is so toxic

“ ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!  ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!” mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S THE END NO WHAT WHY NO

The Adventures of Benjamin and Oliver

he is Not Good

ope-

wait so ben is equal parts an adult AND a child?? okay that clears a lot up

I MEAN HE WAS RIGHT THO BEN U CAN’T REALLY ARGUE ON THAT-

ew get off the floor

butterfly effect, multiverse theory, memory decay, and your imagination ALL exist yall gonna ignore that cause you wanna be famous?

“We already know what the future looks like!”

aRe yOu sUrE aBoUt tHaT-

to add to the list of bad things: Cats (2019)

YA BOI THINKS IT’S NOT ALREADY FIFTY YEARS TOO LATE TO START FIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE FFFFF

BINGO BABYYYY

get what what

what mapped-

awwwww he thinks THEY’RE creating the multiverse

you gonna dismiss the multiverse theory bc of something you created in your current reality? loooserrrrrr

ABUSE YOUR GODLIKE POWERS

she draggin that seven year old

a lot makes sense now why didnt i do this first-

Jasper

the food shortages-

bro that calculators like 90 bucks at walmart

imagine meeting a stranger and they know Everything about your life like that’s gotta be so weird

what’s even weirder is them telling you you’re the deity of a cult that sacrifices animals

THAT FOURTH WALL BREAK WAS-

KARL JACOBS IS DEAD NOOOOOO

ooohhh there’s context for that

OOOOHHHH THERE’S CONTEXT FOR THIS TOOOO

w h a t -

w  h  a  t  -

W   H   A   T   -

Conclusion:

it’s 2 in the morning and i need sleep but hOOOOO MY GODS THAT WAS GOOD IS IT OVER OR NOT IDK ANYMORE IM TIRED THAT WAS CRAZY I HOPE QUINN AND JASPER GO ON TO BE VERY GOOD FRIENDS, AND I HOPE BENJAMIN AND OLIVER STAY VERY GOOD FRIENDS AND I HOPE HILLS FINDS A THERAPIST WAS A LITTLE CONFUSING BUT I ENJOYED IT

if i dream about apples im suing /j /lh

#lucids #nicholas podany #there's a metaphor in there somewhere #but im not gonna be the one to find it #i dont think i dreamed about apples #youre safe for now podany #for now #EDIT #I PUT 'something their not' #WRONG THERE #I HAVE NO EXCUSE #IM SORRY

[chronicallywasting]

Minor spoiler warning for things im working on below the cut!!

[Long post]

So lets start of with the story. At first it was gonna be how an enderman and an axolotl hybrid would interact. Sort of inspired by @ nachosforfree's one oc poat with a piglin and an enderman (i dont wanna tag lol).

The character Aether (who i named myself after) was originally from a different story, which one of my first artworks on here is from.

Ester was an entirely new character at the time, meant to be the companion of Aether, who already had an existing personality and backstory.

AETHERS DEVELOPMENT

Aether's original design was sort of meant to be an avatar for a fnaf fan comic i was working on. The avatar was just for authors notes and qnas and was in a much more cartoony style.

After I dropped that, I took that character (who was named Auden at the time) and turned it into Aether. (Fun fact: Aether originally used she/her pronouns, which is present in theur backstory) You can still see the original character at GoldSad-OnO on deviantart, my abandoned account.

At this point I had tuned Aether into a phantom. They sported my black and white hoodie, some oversized jeans, and a fnaf puppet mask (which I still plan on using for certain things) no skin or hair was shown.

After I got into dsmp, I wanted to turn them into a dsmp-sona. They were introduced as an axolotl hybrid then. I also wanted to have them have did (or another related personality disorder) obviously planning on doing plenty of research as to not misrepresent people with said disorder.

It was then theyre original backstory was created.

They were from a wealthy family underwater, and was an only child. Theyre father left when they were 6 and their mother was killed at a party 2 years later.

Aether was originally around 14, but after some development, was aged up to be an adult.

(Around this time I also used the same character, minus the system, as a character in a vent world i created)

After a while, I dropped the system aspect of them, and developed their character even more.

They were no longer a dsmp sona as well. I gave them the story before I created Ester after that development.

The story was about Aether and an unnamed character (i forgot the name) a deer hybrid who fell in love and wished for immortality but didnt get what they wanted.

They were cursed, one of them gaining immortality and the other being reincarnated with any and all past memories integrated into their minds untul they found each other, where they would switch roles and the process would start over again. This would happen until they fell out of love and moved on.

When the 1.17 update came out, I had created Ester to go along with Aether, dropping the previous story.

Aether was given theyre original backstory back, mixed in with themes of reincarnation.

Theyre backstory looked a little like this at this point:

Aether was raised as the princess of atlantis, an underwater city full of merlings and fullbreds (Ill explain those terms later) with their sisters, Adrian and Savannah. They lived a fairly normal life, as normal as it can be with an absent father.

Around the age of 14, their mother was killed at a banquet held for the people. They and their sisters escaped unharmed. They started gaining memories that werent theirs, learning they had lived hundreds of times before.

The beginning, before this reincarntaion process, was the first monster-human hybrid, a phantom hybrid. The hybrid was alone and asked a witch to give them friends, and so the witch became a friend.

The hybrid found some other nocturnal hybrids that they she made friends with, leaving the witch behind. The witch felt betrayed and cursed an eternal life spell- with a twist.

Now, Aether raises theyre younger siblings, and met Ester in the nether, where they were getting attacked by a piglin.

As of currently, ive scrapped that (or the most part) and Aether had become the god of the sky for my current project :)

ESTERS DEVELOPMENT

Ester is a fairly recent character. He's stayed the same for the most part- in terms of both character design an personality. He's kinder, and dislikes a newer character, Teleb (king of the end)

His character formerly was a bit flirty, and had liked Aether as more than just a friend.

He's the former general of the Ender royal guard and close friend of the queen of the end.

I havent done much for his character, and dont plan on doing so in the future. He will still be a character, but will be played by someone else ;)

TELEBS DEVELOPMENT

Teleb is more recent than Ester, created as a way to create conflict in the plot.

He was manipulative and had cheated on his wife, the queen, more than once. He wanted total control and hadnt cared for his child at all, only wanting a powerful heir. Overall, he was a horrible character, and meant to be so. He wasnt meant to gain any sympathy points from anyone, as he had no redeeming qualties.

The only major design change was his eyes going from purple to green.

Now, (hopefully) his character will be having more redeeming qualities, and maaaybe have some pining over mx. sky god over there

PAST STORY AND ITS LORE

The past story, going fro RE:➡Silent since June➡current form was a story with the main characters being Aether and Ester. Esters goal was to find the missing prince and Aethers was to find a home for them and their siblings.

It had many different species in its lore, including merlings (aquatic hybrids), quadrupedians (four-legged mammal hybrids), avians (flightless bird hybrids), elytrians (hybrids with wings that can fly), enderians (hybrids of end creatures), insectoids (hybrids with insects and arachnids), netherspawn (hybrids of nether creatures), mobspawn (monster hybrids), shifters (hybrids that can shift from an animal to hybrid to other animal/human/mob), and fullbreds (non-hybrids).

Different hybrids had their own civilzations and sub species. Shifters could only shift from one speices to another and had sub groups (ie. Dolphin shifter, Hoglin Shifter, Spider Shifter, etc.)

INTRODUCTION OF THE NEWEST VERSION OF THE STORY

This story has been revised, now taking the for of an smp :) it will be called the Passivesmp and will have multiple elements of the past story integrated into it. Hopefully, itll use the origins mod for extra detail and will be story-based.

There are some pre-existing characters that will need to be played, me taking on two of them: Passive and Aether.

The other pre-existing characters that need played are Teleb and Ester. Some extra roles are "the queen" and "the prince".

There wont be any applications of sort as i will ask friends i know if they wanna join. Instead of streaming it, it will be posted on my youtube channel which currently has no videos on it.

I wont tell any parts of the story ideas I have, as i want that to be a surprise. I hope to see you then!

#minecraft #minesona #my writing #dsmp #long post

[pitun]

Summer days

Rohan x fem reader

------

Summers in Morioh have always been warm. The Sun always shone a special shine that filled every inhabitant’s heart with calmness and rather positive thoughts. The clouds, if by any chance the sky decided it wanted to be accompanied by the white cotton-like gas, were always, as already stated, white, and usually having a weird shape, but the little kids loved that weird shape, they usually went out to the parks, firsty to play, but they loved to lay on the ground and discuss the shapes of the clouds. 

‘’It’s a cat’’ a random child would say pointing at the sky.

‘’Are you blind?’’ another kid would answer ‘’It’s clearly a sheep.’’

The year 1999 didn’t pass to history. It would never be on the history books the students will have to study, it will never be written how Yoshikage Kira died as he was hitted by an ambulance and how he was fought with the strength of people with golden heart and weird representations of their will of fight and justice.

Maybe it will never been written down on history books, but it surely wasn’t going to be forgotten by the people who had to fight that monster.

It didn’t matter how many years passed, the memory was still there and it came back every summer since then, every year less stronger, but still there.

‘’Rohan Kishibe!’’ a female voice came from the door of his studio.

The person mentioned, without leaving the pencil he was holding strongly on his hand, turned around with his chair and looked at his wife.

Many things changed with the years, one of them was that the famous mangaka got married with a beautiful woman with (H/C) hair and (E/C) eyes in which the artist could create beautiful landscapes and scenarios looking at them (He would never admit it tho). It was in 1999 that he met you, that awful summer, but he thanked God, if it existed, that he got to meet you in that horrible period.

‘’I am working’’ he simply answered and was already turning around to keep on working on his manga.

But you were having none of his ‘i’m working’. You walked and, placing your hand on the back of his chair, made him turn around once more.

‘’You know we are having visit today’’ You strongly said.

‘’So?’’ the mangaka asked, he didn’t see the relation between having visit and not working.

‘’I am not having visit on the living room when we have a backyard beautiful enough to have tea and some sweets there’’ the woman with (H/C) crossed her arms in front of her chest.

‘’And what do you want me to do? You can open the door by yourself’’ he, once again, tried to turn the chair to continue inking the sketch.

‘’I didn’t come here for you to open the door of the backyard’’ you stated.

‘’So? What did you call me for?’’ Rohan asked inking the drawing.

‘’I need you to water the grass.’’

The man with dark hair stopped inking and placed the pen on the table, turning the chair slowly around to look back at you, still with your arms crossed and looking right at him.

‘’You want me to what?’’ the mangaka asked confused getting up from the chair.

‘’You heard me.’’

‘’I am not watering the plants outside.’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’Because I am the great Rohan Kishibe, i am one of the most famous mangakas in the world, and the better in Morioh-’’ you cut him mid sentence ‘’And apparently the great mangaka can’t do mundane things like watering the plants?’’ the question lef your lips making Rohan shut up ‘’We are having the visit outside and it’s your choice if you prefer melting under the sun or at least having a fresh breeze every now and then with the wet grass plus the amazing smell of the watered grass’’ you finished closing the door of the studio with your leave.

This was one of the reasons that made Rohan fall for you, you could be the sweetest person on Earth, but when you were planning something that sweet behaviour changed to a more demanding one. He liked that you talked to him back, it was quite the surprise the first time but he soon knew he liked your personality, it was strong and he has always admired strong personalities, like Koichi’s, who changed from a shy one to stronger one. That is one of the reasons why Jotaro trusted Koichi enough to ask him to help him with some matters regarding stands in other countries.

And, as a matter of fact, it is that Koichi was returning from one of his journeys that you suggested to have a reunion with the group. All the group.

At first the ‘’great mangaka’’ refused to have Josuke and Okuyasu at his house, but finally gave up with your insistence and Koichi’s comment: ‘’It would be great to see all the group together again when i return’’ (Rohan didn’t care at first if we are being honest, but then decided it was a good idea to have some ideas for future chapters of his manga).

Rohan sighed in defeat and went back to finish the page he was inking. Once he finished the page and set it with the other finished ones, the mangaka left his studio and went downstairs to open the door of his backyard and look at the grass, recently cut, and went to one side of the wall, where a hose was rolled.

‘’Can’t believe the great Rohan Kishibe is actually going to water this place a bit’’ your voice came as you took your head out of the window placed on the kitchen that faced that part of the house.

He furrowed his eyebrows and ignored you as he unrolled the hose and let the water run. Rohan moved the hose from one place to another to make all the plants wet.

‘’Awww babe, don’t ignore me’’ you laughed going back to the kitchen.

The dark haired man placed his free hand on his hip and kept the water running as he moved.

‘’Daddy, what are you doing?’’ a small and sweet voice came from one of his sides.

Rohan turned his head to look at his daughter standing on the door of the backyard.

Yes, a daughter.

She came as a surprise. Rohan told you that he didn’t want to have kids and it wasn’t a surprise. He spent too much time on his studio working on his manga, and his personality didn’t really match with one of a father.

You discovered you were pregnant one morning after week of feeling unease, at it was by Yukako’s suggestion that you decided to try a pregnancy test which turned out to be positive. You cried that morning holding onto the test while being locked on the bathroom. Rohan, hearing you ran and knocked the door asking you what happened. Deciding not to tell him yet, you lied saying that Josuke sent you a video of a kitty and made you emotional, you knew that would make him stop asking as he didnt’ stand Josuke, he standed him a little bit more than when the poor Josuke was 17 but he still didn’t like him enough. You kept the pregnancy as a secret, hiding the test.

Until one morning.

You woke up and went to the bathroom because of nausea and after that to the kitchen for breakfast. It was then that you noticed Rohan, his arms crossed, his eyes looking right through you with his eyebrows furrowed, and the pregnancy test right in the table, in front of the mangaka.

The next part of the story was one you prefer to forget, as you both shouted in a heated argument that almost made you two fall apart. You ran to your family’s home that day ,not wanting to see him because you would argue again. Rohan couldn’t focus on his manga.

A week later he called you and, while you were expecting an apology, he said he would work to be a good father and a good husband for that family you two were creating.

He promised he would work on his manga only in the mornings and a bit after lunch, the rest of the day he would focus on his family. 

He still needed to work on that tho.

You both were still worried about being a good parental figure to the little child until the little girl came to the world, you cried holding your crying baby and Rohan focused on the baby’s face, it was red and full of wrinkles. She kind of looked like a monkey. But a cute kind of monkey.

‘’She’s a girl, so what are you going to name her?’’ the mangaka asked looking at you, his wife, holding his baby.

In the sixth month of pregnancy you were both deciding the name of the baby and, as the gender of the baby was a mystery, he suggested that, if the baby was a girl, you should name her, while if the baby was a boy, he would name him.

‘’I thought about naming her Aiko’’ you confessed smiling.

‘’Aiko?’’ he asked.

‘’Yeah, like that secondary character of your manga, i have a sweet spot for her’’ oh man if that didn’t boost Rohan’s ego even higher. ‘’Do you want to hold her?’’

‘’Me?’’ Rohan asked confused.

‘’Who else, silly?’’ you smiled offering the baby, who stopped crying.

The green eyed man gulped and held the baby, she was so small, what if he dropped her? Suddenly he realized that she had a little bit of dark hair, just like his. And he smiled, kissing the baby’s head.

But that was five years ago. 

Back to the present, he was looking at Aiko, her hair just like his, and her eyes just like yours.

‘’Watering the backyard’’ he answered focusing again on the hose.

‘’Are you watering the flowers?’’ she walked closer and held into the great mangaka’s leg.

‘’Yes’’ he answered.

‘’Mommy calls me flower’’ Aiko smiled, and Rohan looked at her confused.

‘’Yes she does’’ He was confused, what relation did it have with the backyard? That’s why he didn’t want kids (not that he regretted having Aiko, he loved her deeply), he couldn’t understand them, and his wife has told him not to use Heaven’s Door to try and understand the little girl. And he didn’t want her angry, he already experienced that when he used his stand on the (E/C) woman without her permission.

 ‘’That means…’’ the five year old child smiled and placed herself on the middle of the backyard ‘’You should water me too!’’ she shouted throwing her arms to the sky.

 ‘Oh, so that why she said the flower thing’ Rohan thought to himself understanding everything. ‘’We are having visit, you don’t want to be all wet when they come, do you?’’ he said moving the hose to a place where Aiko was not standing.

‘’Please!’’ she begged ‘’I will tell mommy to change my clothes before they come’’

Rohan thought about it for a moment, it is hot outside and the little girl only wants to be fresh, right? Just like the plants (Y/N) told him to water.

The dark haired man sighed and moved the hose, aiming right at Aiko and getting her all wet and giggling. He then moved the hose and kept watering the plants.

‘’Are you happy?’’ the mangaka asked looking at the little girl.

‘’Again!’’ she laughed.

Rohan had now a smile on his face, moving the hose to water the girl again.

‘’Oh man! Are we really doing this?!’’ a voice the green eyed man knew too well shouted behind him as the owner of the voice ran to Aiko’s side. ‘’Water me, Rohan-sensei’’ Josuke said opening his arms all wide.

‘’Me too, me too!’’ another male voice sounded placing himself in the other side of Aiko.

Josuke and Okuyasu were wearing still their police uniforms, after finishing high-school Josuke decided he wanted to follow his grandfather’s steps protecting Morioh from all harm, while Okuyasu followed Josuke, his best friend after all this time.

Rohan furrowed his eyebrows and aimed at the two ‘idiots’ (as he calls them) with the hose, watering the two adults too.

‘’Dad!!’’ Aiko shouted before being watered again herself.

 Josuke shaked his head, letting his pompadour hair fall over his face.

‘’Uncle Josuke!! Your hair!!’’ Aiko exclaimed pointing at the hair.

‘’I am angry now!!’’ he said jokingly picking Aiko up ‘’I am going to hit Okuyasu because i am so angry!’’

‘’Uncle Josuke, no!!’’ the little girl screamed hugging Josuke’s neck trying to stop him.

‘’Josuke!’’ Okuyasu shouted as he received a really soft punch from his best friend ‘’No!! It hurts!!’’ Okuyasu dropped to the floor.

Rohan, apparently too attached to the hose,  and too annoyed by Josuke’s and Okuyasu’s shenanigans, aimed the hose again at the two, watering them again. The three people being watered laughed, and started to run trying to escape from the water, but the mangaka himself was enjoying watering the two idiots that were playing with his daughter.

Josuke, Okuyasu and Aiko were filling the air with laughs and giggles while they were getting wet, even Rohan was smiling, but it was more like an evil smile.

Suddenly, the water stopped coming from the hose, the three wet people looked at Rohan and smiled, trying not to laugh. The mangaka was confused ‘why did the water stopped coming?’ he thought looking at through the tiny hole where the water was supposed to come from. 

A huge amount of water went out from the hose right at the green eyed man’s face, making him fall on his butt from the surprise.

He turned his head around and looked at you, who has taken her foot from the hose to let the water continue running, your laughter fusing with the other three wet people and now Koichi’s and Yukako’s too.

‘’I was going to say that you all should sit down because i already prepared the tea, but i think you are all fine with the water’’ you laughed.

‘’Mommy, you too!’’ Aiko ran to the hose and tried to pick it up, but the propulsion of the water was too strong for her to hold, she tried to aim at you but failed.

‘’You heard Aiko, (Y/N), you too’’ Rohan smiled evilly and picked up the girl and the hose aiming at you, watering you too.

‘’Rohan! Aiko! Don’t! I have to get back inside!’’ you said trying to run away, already wet.

‘’Yeah! Focus on us instead!’’ Josuke shouted.

‘’I want to join too!’’ Koichi shouted joining his group of friends.

Rohan turned around, while still holding a wet Aiko, and aimed at the three guys in front of him. All of them dropped to the floor, laughing and with water dripping from their hair, as well as Aiko’s hair and Rohan’s.

Yukako went to sit on the tea table waiting for you to appear back with cold tea. The great Kishibe finally turned off the running water and sat on the few stars that separated the backyard and the house. He let his hand run through his wet hair and sighed while Aiko did just like Josuke, moved her head, hitting his father with her wet hair, but it didn’t bother him.

‘’I am back with ice tea’’ your voice was heard through the backyard, placing every glass in the tea table in which Yukako was sitting.

‘’I missed this’’ Koichi confessed giggling.

Finally, everyone was sitting around the tea table, except Yukako, all wet and drinking tea, well, Aiko was drinking juice. The conversation filled the air with some laughs and giggles, with jokes and experiences. Suddenly, a yawn interrupted the conversation and everybody’s eyes turned at Aiko, whose eyes were slowly shutting and her head slowly falling, but everytime the head fell she would open her eyes wide open and try to stay awake a bit longer.

‘’I am taking her to bed’’ Rohan said picking the girl on his arms.

‘’Aiko, say goodbye’’ you said smiling at your daughter.

‘’Bye Uncle Josuke, bye uncle Okuyasu’’ a yawn escaped her lips ‘’bye uncle Koichi, bye aunt Yukako.’’

Rohan didn’t come back, and half an hour after taking Aiko to bed, everyone said their goodbyes and left to their own houses. You closed the door behind you and went to Aiko’s room to see why he didn’t came back.

The (H/C) haired woman opened the door slowly seeing Aiko sleeping, and Rohan hugging her, sleeping too.

You smiled and went to kiss the foreheads of the two people sleeping.

And right when you were going to close the door and sleepy voice talked.

‘’Not to make this a competition, but she said she loves me a lot lots’’ Rohan said half asleep.

‘’Well, Aiko and i have a lot more in common than the eye color’’ you whispered smiling ‘’I too love you a lot lot.’’ but he didn’t listen the last part as he fell asleep again.

#rohan kishibe #rohan x reader #rohan kishibe x reader #jojo part 4 #jjba #jjbadiu #diamond is unbreakable #jojo's bizarre adventure #jojo's bizarre adventure diamond is unbreakable

[kim-lexie]

week-by-week playback: crash landing on you.

just to preface, pardon that some of this may not be cohesive. i made this a separate post because otherwise the collective review would be insanely long. and i wanted to keep a space where i just let my thoughts from each episode exist, so here it it. 

if you want to see my semi cohesive thoughts from the themes and characters here is my actual review. crash landing on you.

*spoiler alert*

ep 1-2 my goodness this man, hyun bin (aka ri jung hyuk in this drama) is dreamy as ever. *like swoons*. son ye-jin is perfect, i loved her in "something in the rain” and this character is completely different and i am loving it. this free easy going aide of this actress. she is adorable and i love how in a crazy situation the first thing she thinks is ‘you’re totally my type’ bc seriously a girl after my own heart.

now the concept is completely ridiculous but i’ll jump on the band wagon and live my best life bc i think this is going to be a unique concept that i fall for. the fact that she doesn’t listen to him and goes directly into north korea i’m like girl you’re crazy.

i love how they added the clips at the end of the episode and how he was laughing at her. precious how he’s already falling for her quirky side. i am intrigued to see where their relationship first started like how did they meet before how did he leave north korea and enter back in as a general captain?!? so many questions and i’m so excited.

ep 3-4.  kim ju-meok (captain ri’s company of 5) saying i haven’t seen any drama characters that don’t fall in love in that situation. hahaha same dude same. when the guy was spying, jung man-bok, and trying to keep up with the drama plot. hahaha

i loved when the ladies tried to see her and she made him act all sweet walking him out the door.

he said all nice things to the plant!!!

ep 5-6. his relationship with his fiancé is soooo weird. and her family must be super high up in north korea. same to his family though. his mom has an ostrich in her yard!!! i love how they got stuck on the train on their journey to pyeongyang. i love how he jumps to his feet to get her anything she wants. they’re precious together. i’m excited to see where it takes us bc now that the man on the run knows that she is there, there is leverage. he was the first guy she waited for TT. i’m really enjoying the little tidbit scenes at the ending.

he’s gonna keep a photo of her even though he said it was silly to get a momento. the clarification between destiny and coincidence.

ri jeong-hyeok do you want to be my destiny. ‘as long as you stay in my sight you’ll be safe, as long as she is in my sight i will protect her.’

ep 7-8. her character growth since meeting him is extensive and i love to see this side of her not as callused and closed off but rather vulnerable.

‘so happens that you’ve become a special person to me

for once i had to protect you too.’

the heart on his uniform she stitched up.

it’s his brothers song. TT

him going to find her bc she might have been waiting in him. he’s not wrong. and her being concerned with him not being in the hospital bc of his injuries.

your life here might be shattered bc of me.

and i don’t like that.

she’s gets kidnapped. after all this. she even decorated a christmas tree and got him a gift.

held my breath for a solid minute after that gunshot.

ep 9-10. yes his freaking dad in these moments where i’m crying just provides the perfect comedic relief bc he can’t freaking believe what’s happening in front of him. “you make my heart flutter. the other dude.” even when you didn’t know it you saved my life. when he played the song for the first and last time for his brother.

how would i forget about a woman who feel from the sky? -jeong-hyeok

i didnt fall. i descended. -se ri

she freaking wrote i love you with the books.

his brother was such a good person and got the medicine for his friends baby.

when they had to say goodbye to each other. and when their eyes met once again.

ep 11-12. this episode. i loved seeing how the comrades reacted to the daily living of those in seoul. they were too precious. absolutely terrifying that cheol-gang made his way into a security. like what kind of background check did they get?!? like. come on.  

cannot believe that jeong-hyeok found her in an echoing parking garage. it’s destiny.

seo dan got the term ‘sweetmeat’ from seri stop it!!

all of the almost encounters had me dying, while the boys were trying to track down captain ri. the gaming to ignoring the call for chicken.

they wanted to recruit kwang-beom for an agency. they’re like your cover was blown bro.

talking about a future when he didn’t go back. married with twins. and he’ll play piano again.

them dresses as south koreans got me like. my goodness. they’re too much. them all hugging was beautiful. he missed them all so much.

her mother left her at the beach. like what the even. her sister in law gave him her address what the even, this side of her family is wack.

they surprised her for her birthday. my goodness. this moment i’m weeping then it’s like dang that would have been cute.

i’ll be thankful the person i love is still breathing.

and it will be a good year.

-ri jeong hyeok

ep 13-14. the couple rings.

our boys. slaying it. my gosh. when they’re all surrounding her after she was shot. and crying my heart broke.

i never played the piano. and i’ve never told anyone. until you crash landed into my word one day. that’s how i lived. but now i’ved changed. even if i have to worry about losing you, i want to have you in my life. even if it breaks my heart bc it’s a dream that can’t come true, i’d like to sincerely dream of a future. so please live. and listen to my words i still have stories that i haven’t told you yet. -ri jeong-hyeok

when she finally woke up and he ran in. the fact that the mole wire tapped the room while she was unconscious. and then the tape of her mom telling her and wanting to thank seri and ask for forgiveness, and also the fact that her oppa and sister in law wanted her gone...wack.

when he was showing her his scars and the boys walked in and thought something scandalous was up, i died laughing.

i love them together. “they’re curious about your face. i understand bc you look great from the back.” -seri with regards to the paparazzi posting a photo of him online.

the split second after cheol-gang died and ri jeong-hyeok contemplated ending his life, because he didnt know what would happen when he went back to north korea.

while seung-jung was hiding in the market after he ran away from his captors, and the orphans collectively sang that sad song to distract the officers and protect him.

when seung-jung gave seo dan the ring that she picked up from the store so he could give it to seri who gave it to the pawn shop, and he picked it back up and proposed to seo dan. i weeped, because why does this have to be so hard.

when the NIS was collecting data on the ‘spies’: purchases at internet cafe, downloading videos of his favorite drama star, chicken restaurant, etc.  i can’t.

him deciding to go protect her even though he missed his chance of leaving the north with his life. and that she would be the one crying for him once he died made him sad and happy.

seri would make the same decision again. to meet the people and keep the experiences she had. “the wind blows to move in, not to stay.”

the exchange at the boarder was all too much. they all had to say goodbye so quickly.

ep 15-16. her family is wack. thank goodness seodan was able to get her revenge and get all the information from the chinese gang to turn over her older brother.

he wrote her back in the bookshelf. and is sending her notes after he’s gone. her breakdown in the kitchen when she saw all that he left for her. and receipts.

them going for walks at the same time of day to have a shared moment.

all of captain ri’s men reminiscing of the good things seoul had. internet. electricity.

i love that seri made a limited edition product to pay tribute to the ladies that helped her in the north.

he got her a freaking plant. i can’t. she is carrying for the plant like a baby and taking it around with her. got to say nice things to it. i knew it the last thing she said was rihoseok. (honestly wanted it to be a tomato plant)

“season changed but messages kept coming.” i really love this.

“it was eldewiss let’s meet in the country where these flowers bloom.” tell me they meet. please. oh please.

when ri jeong-hyeok broke the news that he was moving on to become a pianist and that the new captain is not a handsome man. the ladies of the village faces just dropped. i can’t.

“he found me every time. and i’m sure he’ll find me again someday.” -seri

“edelweiss symbolizes precious memories. what should i do jeonghyeok? it’s impossible for me to herons your just as a memory. so even if we don’t meet this year, maybe next year. if that doesn’t work too, i’ll anticipate the year after that. until the day you find me i’ll be waiting and praying.” -seri

stop it she is going to go paragliding and meet him again. come on.

eun-dong saying he misses his sister. i love them.

most wonderful two weeks of the year. stop it they have a house together in switzerland. and they are living happily ever after.

i really don’t want it to end...

#crash landing on you #week by week #playback #k drama #ri jong hyeok #hyun bin #yoon se ri #son ye jin

[brinesystem]

list, tw

I saw this on someone else’s blog (im not saying names cause idk if its okay to share that info? it was public but still) and it uh

It looked like a good way to kinda, like, have a bit less doubt? or a way to remind myself of whats happening and why i think i have this? idk

Might be triggering so like probs scroll past or something

‘the moods’ existed before i knew about did/osdd

I used to describe them as “it feels like half me, but also half somebody else”

I argue and talk with my own thoughts

Sometimes I talk/argue /aloud/ with my own thoughts

I have to actively fight to /convince/ Fae to talk to people, else he wont. and even when he does, its not how i want it to sound

I cant remember most of my childhood

The /bad/ middle school was when i was either 9 or 10

I knew too much about sex when i was much too young (7, 8)

I get ages wrong (i was 6 in cali, not 8. why do i think it was 8?)

I had a dream about getting raped when I was in elementary school. I didnt fight back. I didnt feel anything at all

I used to hide under desks

I hated my therapist. Its now fear. I dont remember what it was back then

I forget memories I recall, and if I force them back, everything hurts, even if theyre not traumatic

I often forget that I used to forget bad things that happened to me.

Other sex dreams from elementary school

The csa I /do/ remember (freshman). Why did i seek that out. Why did it seem like a good plan

I used to forget conversations daily

I drew myself (sebastian, older brother, nicer) before I knew i was trans. I dont have many memories from before I came out/knew i was trans. (am i an alter?)

Used to daydream for hours due to nerves. Disocciating?

The bathroom incident (middle school. 9 - 10)

How old are you? “16″ i reply this randomly when i am 23. when i was 21. Even when I know I am not

The HS trauma that happened right

I don’t have triggers for my trauma, except sometimes i /do/

Hypersexual, but only /sometimes/

I’m an adult! Except sometimes when my body is much too big and I am much too tall and I only want to curl up and be left /alone/. Except when i am small and fragile and want to have stuffed animals around me and play animal crossing. Except then.

Opinions keep changing, but to set differing ones. (Fashion sense, humor, hobbies, aesthetics)

Scared of dad! Not scared of dad. Pity dad. Could kill dad. Scared of dad! Not s-

Handwriting/Art/Writing style changes a lot (fluctuates between set stops)

Randomly gains accents and loses them. Only happens with two accents even though I know many

Stims change depending on Mood

Cant recognize myself in the mirror, but ideal keeps changing in set patterns (soft lumberjack, fae prince, cutesy, fashionable andro, suited devil)

Fave colors, songs, movies change in set patterns

Numb sensations to VERY INTENSE sensations. Cannot predict

Edible food changes depending on mood, even including safe foods (mac n cheese vs mussels vs ramen, etc)

What is this emotion? idk

Who am i? idk

I know I was bullied. Don’t remember why I know

Trying to think about my childhood makes me panic or get a headache

Super depressed after mental break ; Suddenly snapped out of it emotionally

That one time I slept for 3 days straight

Posture and walk cycle keeps changing

Gets songs stuck in my head that I’m not thinking about

Gets songs stuck in my head that i can’t even hear

Remembers things with no context given (the movie. “which movie” i dont know. “what was it about? who was in it? what was the title? what did it look like?” i dont know)

Bad sense of time, but like, days/hours can = months/years

“so mature for my age”

The Moods can be triggered into appearing, but not always by things I relate to them (ie; Kos and Fae)

Personality test results keep changing. All of them

False memories (the cliff, talking to the old woman about marriage, who knows what else)

Caught off guard by my own thoughts and even words I say (”sehb is gonna be mad at me for this, lol” “ACRRRRRYLICS”)

Most of my childhood memories are actually photos or stories ive heard

That dissociative test where I scored in the middle, but closer to DID than OSDD

Opinion on myself and my own looks varies

Opinion on my past varies

I dont recognize my own voice sometimes (is it changing? or is it my perception?)

Numb regarding pain, but then hypersensitive to it later

Numb regarding loss, skips straight to acceptance

Cant shiver normally, but sometimes can even when its not cold

Cant feel hunger normally, but sometimes can?

Favorite season and holidays change (summer, beach! autumn, cool air! halloween! no, valentines day!)

I dont feel connected to my family except my mum and maybe my youngest sister. These were /choices/ I made

Empathy? Dont know her. Except when I randomly start crying when others are sad, which always comes at different times but similar Moods

Cares about appearance one day, couldnt care less the next

Fave jacket: Green denim! Nope, today fave jacket: Grey hoodie! Nope, today f-

Headaches. So many headaches

More headaches when dealing with trauma

I doubt myself and worry I’m lying. Liars wouldnt do that, right?

Known to dissociate

Forget things mid sentence

Used ‘we’ when talking about myself at random before considering OSDD

Cant dream, except when I can and they dont feel like /mine/

Used to speak aloud with myself practicing words. Was I alone? idk

Loves animals. One of the Moods doesnt care at all about animals, even Wander

Loves video games. One of the moods detests video games

Loves horror games. Randomly feels intense fear from horror games

I know i was bullied, i know dad didnt come home on xmas, i know i moved a lot, i know i was in dc during 9/11, the ocean incident, the doctor incidents, I vaguely recall M(on base friend with older brother) and how she treated me (broke my glasses), i know i had a horrible time during that one year of middle school even though I only remember Two Moments (bathrooms, trailer) but I don’t necessarily have the memories of all of the things I know I dealt with

Memories are like snapshots or still moments, and dont continue

Memories I know effected me emotionally, I feel detached from now, except when i’m randomly Not (the koi, the caterpillar, not punching dad, etc)

Didn’t have friends until second year of middle school, those friends were bad, so were the hs friends

Ignored most things that happened but would randomly become enraged at smaller things that happened to me

The time on base I thought all adults driving by were pedophiles (i was 7. 8. why did i think that. why did i want to goad them? what was wrong with me??)

Keep forgetting memories like 81, but when I remember them theyre hard to get out of my head

“you acted so differently as a kid, what happened”

The Tics in response to stress

Was good at the doctors and then suddenly wasnt at all. Now am afraid

Was fine with bugs and then suddenly wasnt. Now am afraid

The fact that I dont remember typing ‘at all’ on 85

Lost old friend. Didnt mourn, still get a queasy feeling when I think about her/am reminded of her, but not upset or sad usually

Can connect most of the Moods to triggers, traumas, or coping methods, including myself

Reaction to trauma changed literally overnight

Used to love being tickled, now makes me panic (fight/flight)

Can feel when the Moods take something they see into themselves (was told this is normal. i am not faking this, at the very least)

I dont like lying. Fae doesnt/cant lie. Luci /enjoys/ lying.

Used to think solely in images. Now think solely in words.

Can sometimes hear thoughts before i think them, but only my own

Randomly gets worse coordination in turns with moods, and then gains it back after

Too trusting, but then gets in a mood and doubts even my closest friends

People keep telling me what im describing sounds like osdd, even friends who have met some of the Moods

I have an easier time remembering some things when I’m in different Moods

Used to have more amnesia before I started recognizing the Moods (was that me switching out?)

#osdd #osdd1 #Moods

[adlexegam]

please tell me, am i in the wrong?

so basically i decided to join here cause i at least know my post wont get removed here. i tried posting my story on reddit’s AITA but my post kept getting removed because on their posts you cant post about abuse. so fuck it, here i am, hoping for someone other than my bf and myself to tell me im not wrong. context:i decided to invite my boyfriend over without telling my parents, i did it max 5 times. i was 16 at the time and he was 18. i got caught and my punishment was to get my phone taken away, my number cancelled, im no longer allowed to drive a car or get my license, im only allowed one friend, im not allowed my laptop anymore, im no longer allowed outside without constant supervision, cameras were installed in and out of the house, and just about every day since december of 2019 ive been getting told how disgusting i am for wanting to be with a n****r (my bf’s half puerto rican half white, i’m half hispanic and half white too), how if he was white he would have come to the front door and shook my parent’s hands and asked for permission to date their daughter, how im a dirty n****r lover who will get pregnant from him and have to slave away to take care of our half breed mistakes, how if i stay with him he’ll sell my body on the streets for money, how if i have sex with him ill get every std on the plant, all that 50′s bullshit. ive gotten pregnancy tested (im celibate), drug tested (mom claims she smelled weed in my room, so he’s a dirty n****r drug dealer apparently forcing me to do drugs, guess what i am against drugs since i know itll change my brain chemistry and i have weak lungs),and std tested (still celibate).  for the first few months after they found out i was allowed my laptop at home to do homework, and only allowed my phone during school. one day i got home and i got greeted to the fact that i no longer have a laptop and now have to use the house computer to do all my work at home. of course i got mad because for months ive been doing everything they wanted, and suddenly im being punished for being suspiciously good? my mom got on top of me and fought me to take off my backpack to take my airpods too, left my phone on the kitchen table. i grabbed my phone and locked myself in my room. she found out i took my phone, and once i unlocked the door i held my phone above my head so we can just talk. instead she got on top of me and started scratching me and all over my arms to get to my phone. i dropped it from the pain of the scratches on my arms. earlier that same day i was getting ready for school with my laptop open, camera taped over, looking for any school assignments i missed. my mom unlocked my door and saw my nude body getting ready with my laptop open, and just went back to the kitchen table and told my dad how much of a slut i am and how im posting my nude body on the internet. i quickly put on clothes and came up to her yelling how im just getting ready for school and how theres tape over the camera. i even told her to look at the laptop, the only thing open was google classroom. my dad got up and started yelling at me for being a slut and for talking back. for once i finally got tired of being yelled at, i finally stood up for myself. he punched me in the face and when my mom got in between to defend me (she caused the whole situation), his swings went back in on her stomach. i screamed dont hit my mother and tried to push her off him, he used the oppurtunity to grab my shoulder by my uniform and punch me in the shoulder. everything was a blur after that. my mother drove me to school and yelled how i shouldnt have been a whore on the internet. i fought back. before i got to school i yelled “please, just fuck off”. this is important later, because she used me saying that as the excuse for her getting on top of me and scratching me and ripping my backpack off my back. because i swore at her. it was okay. but here’s the important part. he hit me in front of the camera. i knew the police would ignore the emotional abuse ive been getting for my entire life. i got my physical evidence. finally, after 16 years, i had my evidence. i told my boyfriend what happened, and we agreed to meet after school the next day and call the police. i wanted to be emancipated, since my parents adamantly agreed that i (apparently) only wanted to be emancipated because my ‘poor street rat n****r boyfriend’ was manipulating me into it. ive been dreaming of this day since i was 8, when i realized what ive been told wasnt normal. they showed up on the corner of where i called. i told the policemen what happened to me the day before. they asked if i had any scars or bruises. i said no, he didnt punch me hard enough to get a bruise the next day, and my mother didnt scratch me hard enough to get scars. they knew what would happen if they gave me physical evidence. after i said that, the policeman interrogating me asked me something that will stay with me until the day i die. “he never really hit you, did he?” i began crying and saying yes! yes he did! i have video footage to prove it! we have cameras in the house! it happened right in front of the cameras! more questions ensued, and i was brought to the police station while my boyfriend waited at a local coffeeshop for me to finally be free from the abuse. at first i was scared, but the cops calmed me down. i told them everything. all my memories spilled from my mouth like water from the niagra falls. everything came rushing out, my fears, my forgotten memories i forced into my box of never to be remembered, the times before i feared for my life, the times i knew something wasnt right. i told them everything from the bottom of my heart. they listened and asked all the right questions.(if you want to know what happened to me and what i told them, ill post them in a future post if anyone cares)  one of the officers, the only one with melanin skin and a father to a beautiful girl, expressively felt sick from my stories, from my life. not even he could understand why, as a father, why any parent would find it right to do to me what they did. he was my favourite police officer, he was the kindest and the only one who really wanted me to feel comfortable. he talked to me on the level of a person, not a child. eventually cps came and he told me to tell her everything too. i did. she asked where i wanted to go if i got emancipated. i said to live with my boyfriend, his family is willing to take me in and once i get a job ill pay minimal rent so i can be free. she said ‘no, you cant live with a minor.’ i said he’s not a minor, he’s 18. she said ‘oh, then yeah you definetly cant live with him’ she said if i wanted to leave i would be put into a women’s shelter since i was too old to be adopted/put into foster care. she said i would be r*ped if i was put in there. she said i should just take it until im 18, then ill be fine. she said that there were no scars or bruises, so it wasnt that bad. (this part is blurry, the more i remember it the more the memories overlap, im sorry for any confusion) the police interrogated my parents. they believed every word they said. my mother used whitepages as a source to prove how my boyfriend lied about his name. my mother used our hours long calls to prove how im obviously being manipulated to lie. she said how im just a liar, as my father said, a pathological liar. they had no cause to me being a pathological liar, i was just born that way. i was lying to get into my manipulative boyfriend’s arms for my body to be used by him and his friends. i was obviously being manipulated, why would i want to leave my loving parents arms? i was obviously doing this just out of anger of getting my laptop and phone taken away, obviously. its not like they EVER did anything wrong to me, they were just teaching me to grow up a mature adult, ready for the world. they would never put their hands on me. the police never looked at the cameras. they never questioned me again. i was a liar. at home the child protective services lady said my room quote ‘ranked of weed’. i have never done weed. my boyfriend has never done weed in my room.  at the station they said they couldnt find a record of my boyfriend. i later found out that, even after he gave them his social security number, they still questioned his existence. at the station they told my parents they couldnt find his record (he has none, hes never committed a crime). at home a therapist came. to my knowledge, my boyfriend was never real (no record) and i would still have to be at home. i wanted to die. the therapist said she wanted to take me to a mental hospital. my mom was there and consented. my dad later came home, yelled at me in front of the therapist. she said im suicidal, with his consent she would call her supervisor to take me to the local mental hospital. he consented. while she called her supervisor from across the kitchen, he said: “she wants to kill herself? fuck if i care, she can drown herself in a river for all i care” i sat there shocked.  the mental hospital was a blur. once i got home i got my phone taken away too. my only communication would be from the 10+ year old computer we have in the kitchen. facing out so anyone that walks by can see what im doing. one of the cameras is watching me at all times, but is positioned so that it cant see what i am doing.  once i got home i used our kindle fire. i logged into discord on incognito mode. i asked him to send me his birth certificate. was he even real? was i even real? was our late nights of cuddling nothing? were the walks in the park nothing? were the ‘i love you’s nothing? did meeting his family from an hour long train ride mean nothing? were the chinese food dates nothing? were the confessions of our embarassing secrets nothing? were the times we had non-vaginal sex and laughed in the middle from how silly we were being mean nothing? were the times we had tiffs and talked it out mean nothing? did he save me from my ex-abusive partner just to use me? were the times we layed down next to each other with the only covering being my blanket, staring at each other in wonder of how lucky each of us were, was that nothing? when we spent hours telling each other our  entire life stories, was he lying? did the times he called my body the most beautiful thing he ever has seen, the times he’s said he didnt think he’d ever fall in love again from his ex, was that a lie? he sent his birth certificate. it was real. his birth date his name it was all real. he told me what happened to him. i told him what happened to me. he apologized for it going the way it did. i apologized for doubting him. child protective services sent a therapist me and my mother had to meet with weekly. 2 hours, 10 times. it lasted until the first weeks of quarantine. me and him are still in the same love we’ve has since before he found out how truly insane my parents are. the only reason we’ve ever gotten into fights is from how much he wants me to run away (before you say ‘ok maybe the parents were right, he sounds manipulative’, no, he only says that after every time something else happens at home and how he has to cope with the fact that im okay with being abused since its my normal. he wants me to run away from the abuse, not just so we can see each other again, so i wont be hurt anymore). he’s still the man i want to marry, the man i want to call mine and for him to call me his. we get scared the other might get tired of the waiting and just decide to leave for someone each other’s family would like. we talk through it. we know we can wait. i know i can take it until im 18. he knows he’ll be prepared to take me in once im 18. we know we can take the late nights awake, missing each other. we can take it because this isnt puppy love. this isnt purely passionate love. he wants me to be safe, and i want to finally be free. so you’re up to this point and you’re probably thinking one of three things: jesus christ can this lady capitalize anything?? or holy FUCK this is long it better be good or why did she title her post that? first of all, i do what a want nehenehenehneh second of all, whoever reads this needs the full context before i ask my question third of all, because of what happened a couple of days ago. a month ago my dad passed from covid-19. ive become the housewife while my mother has taken over the family business and my brother does the grass once a month. my mother still cooks, but i clean the dishes and fold laundry every day and vaccuum the whole house twice a week. a letter came in the other day stating how our child protective services case is now closed. they never found signs of physical abuse or neglect. my mother reminded me for the infinitieth time how stupid i am for getting manipulated. how much of a dirty n*****r lover i am. how i will never be anything without her. then she brought my father into this i started the situation, which made him depressed. he was depressed, so he couldnt fight off the virus. because he couldnt fight off the virus, he died. she blamed me for killing my father she blamed me for my father for deciding to go out every day without a mask for my father deciding to put in his eyedrops in an insanitary environment she blamed me  it was my fault i knew i was leaving when im 18 i knew i wanted to tell my mother at least a month before i left that i was leaving but now theres no going back once im 18, im gone im never turning back i will never be treated like this or talked down like this ever again but who will clean? who will vaccuum? who will make sure the house is organized? do i stay? can i even go? i just dont know anymore should i go? and well, what i started this post with, please tell me, am i in the wrong? for planning on leaving when im 18? to finish this post, i just want to say a few things. dont tell me to call the police or child protective services.i already did. they believed my abusive parents and told them how they can protect themselves against me, since i was the one who started all this. plus, look at the fucking news. no fucking wonder they believed my parents. my boyfriend looks hispanic and i look white. no fucking wonder they believed my parents. fuck cops. not all cops are bad, but no cop should fucking gun down people for their race. no person should be judged from some racist  person saying “oh im fearing for my life” and the person in question is black/a poc and is doing fucking nothing. they believed my fucking abusive parents because they threw my bf under the bus as bait and the police went for it. dont come after my family. all that will do is make everything worse for me. my mother can’t even look at a poc without claiming they’re related to my boyfriend and are going to follow her to kill her. dont do anything to me. just please answer my question. please just tell me if im in the right or if im in the wrong. i know this is abuse. i know whats happening to me is wrong. but i know i can take it. i know i can survive. i will survive and achieve my dream of becoming a doctor. i will be my own person. i am me

#numb #mental illness #abuse #trauma #sad #sadness #abusive #hurt #depression #acab #amitheasshole #aita #deep #emotionalabuse

[mikumutual]

answers aa themed questions nobody asked because i’m cool and sexy

also i havent played the 5th or 6th games so

YOUR FAVOURITE…? 1. Favourite Ace Attorney game? honestly? phoenix wright ace attorney! everything’s fresh, there aren’t many weak characters, and the plot is remarkable (especially the fifth case). the whole trilogy is really good as one unit though 2. Favourite case? 1-4, 1-5, 2-4, and 3-5 are tied lol, i can’t make a decision to save my life. 2-1 is really really funny tho 3. Favourite defendant? as a defendant, lana skye. as a person, edgeworth 4. Favourite prosecutor? as a prosecutor, franziska von karma. as a person, edgeworth 5. Favourite ship? wrightworth obviously... ive probably put more thought into them over the last 3 years than any other ship 6. Favourite victim? probably mia fey or gregory edgeworth... but for non-relevant victims, neil marshall :( 7. Favourite murderer? shelly de killer, i LOVE that guy. but dee vasquez was very cool as well 8. Favourite assistant? maya fey!!!!!!!!!! but i like kay faraday a lot too (im so sorry ema) 9. Favourite witness? adrian andrews... or maybe iris? i mean i didn’t like iris but god what a person 10. Favourite quote? “It doesn't matter how many underhanded tricks a person uses... The truth will always find a way to make itself known. The only thing we can do is to fight with the knowledge we hold and everything we have. Erasing the paradoxes one by one... It's never easy... We claw and scratch for every inch. But we will always eventually reach that one single truth. This I promise you.” - Miles Edgeworth i made this one of my senior quotes :]

YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE…? 11. Least favourite Ace Attorney game? uh fucking apollo justice. literally what the hell was that 12. Least favourite case? turnabout visitor wasn’t very strong? i guess it’s fine as an intro, but it’s also wonky with the timeline of aai 13. Least favourite defendant? max galactica. he’s better in the anime though 14. Least favourite prosecutor? manfred von karma, obviously. i like every other prosecutor (who i know of) though, even winston payne is pretty funny in hindsight 15. Least favourite ship? “miles edgeworth/female oc”. there are a lot of bad ships though, mostly involving phoenix & his assistants. dont do that please 16. Least favourite victim? zak gramarye for kickstarting that shitty, shitty game 17. Least favourite murderer? again mvk... but also fucking frank sahwit LMAO 18. Least favourite assistant? i guess trucy 19. Least favourite witness? fuck everyone from turnabout big top unless it was the anime episode 20. Least favourite memory of Ace Attorney? repeatedly trying and failing to download the emulator for aai2 hbjsjhdb i eventually got it but someone had to send me the download fully pre-patched and i felt kinda useless DO YOU PREFER…? 21. Phoenix Wright or Apollo Justice? phoenix wright. fuck that “GOTCHA!” mechanic jesus christ 22. Maya Fey or Trucy Wright? maya fey. nothing personal against trucy but i just dont like aj hbjsdjhsdb also maya is really sweet and fun and she has the best sprites. she seems like she’d be a good friend, it’s too bad that she doesn’t have the time for them as a spirit medium and all :( if maya ema and kay got to hang out together itd be wild 23. Investigations or trials? trials are easier in my opinion because investigations have several things you could be doing without such a linear style, so if you miss something, you won’t really know until you wander around forever 24. College Phoenix or Hobo Phoenix? college feenie!!!!! he’s like trilogy feenie but more emotional and less witty. i like to pretend that hobo phoenix doesnt exist 25. Klavier Gavin or Kristoph Gavin? who would say kristoph 26. Ace Attorney or Ace Attorney Investigations? ace attorney but only because phoenix is in it lmao. im actually rewatching a playthrough of aai now, and playing aai2 at the same time, so while it is on the mind, i feel like the cases characters and mechanics - while loved - don’t hold up to the OGs 27. Apollo’s perceive, Phoenix’s magatama, or Athena’s Mood Matrix? i actually kinda like the mood matrix more than anything because it has a really good UI and the magatama is kinda grating. but FUCK the gotcha mechanic it is SO FUCKING STUPID and IMPOSSIBLE TO USE.  where is logic chess 28. Ace Attorney trilogy or Apollo Justice and Dual Destinies? you already know my answer to this one 29. 3D models or sprites? i do like the 3d models a lot but i like the original sprites more! imo original pixel sprites > 3D models > HD sprites. mostly bc the hd sprites are garbage (see here, here, and here) 30. Ema Skye as she is in Rise from the Ashes or Ema Skye as she is in Apollo Justice? rfta !!!!!! shes actually really nice as an assistant, esp considering the fact that we actually see her interact with her sister, which is something maya didn’t have very often. also her random appearance in aai was well appreciated by me

MISCELLANEOUS 31. Did you like what they did to Phoenix in Apollo Justice?

NO I AM SO FUCKING MAD WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT TO HIM ISN’T HE A LAWYER WHY COULD HE NOT JUST DEFEND HIMSELF FROM THE FACT THAT HE “FORGED EVIDENCE” IT WASN’T EVEN HIS IN THE FIRST PLACE SOMEBODY ELSE FORGED IT AND HE DIDN’T KNOW THAT, MANFRED VON KARMA GOT AWAY WITH A FUCKLOAD OF NONSENSE AND SO DOES EVERY OTHER LAWYER SO WHY IS IT THAT PHOENIX CAN SURVIVE EATING A POISONED GLASS NECKLACE AND GETTING HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND FALLING FROM A BURNING BRIDGE INTO A RUSHING RAVINE AND BEING HIT BY A CAR BUT HE CAN’T FUCKING DEFEND HIMSELF LIKE HE DOES IN EVERY OTHER CASE BECAUSE THAT’S THE POINT OF THE GAME AND ALSO HIS ENTIRE CHARACTER

32. Your opinion on Dai Gyakuten Saiban? haven’t played it! it looks pretty cool though

33. Do you think Dai Gyakuten Saiban and/or Miles Edgeworth Investigations 2 will get localised to the West? doubt it, since the creators have said that it won’t be. but the fan translations are pretty good, so i think it’s okay

34. Do you think Miles Edgeworth should get another Investigation-game or do you think another character deserves a spin-off? i mean he already has two, so i guess he doesn’t need another? like i love edgeworth but he’s not as fun without phoenix around. ngl i would play a franziska game. or a maya game, or any spinoff revolving around a side character. hell i’d play hotti game if it meant it took place in the trilogy era

35. Opinion on the soundtrack of the Ace Attorney-franchise? REALLY good. really really good. i love how each game of the trilogy has different composers but each track has the same theme and feel!!!

36. Do you like where the franchise is heading or did you prefer the atmosphere in the original trilogy? seriously absolutely completely prefer the trilogy. i’m sorry but the rush of youth and trust is way, way more enjoyable than whatever “i’m 35 and therefore middle aged” nonsense is happening in the 2020s

37. Capcom suddenly announces that Phoenix will no longer appear in the Ace Attorney franchise! Your reaction? He’s been replaced by Penny Nichols. Fuck you.

38. Capcom suddenly announces that the Ace Attorney franchise has ended for good! Your reaction? it was me i ended it

39. Would you like there to be another Ace Attorney/Professor Layton crossover game? i didnt play it but i really like the idea!!!!!! aa crossover games are really funny to me, i mean have you seen edgeworth in project x zone 2, lmao

40. Would you like an Ace Attorney anime? we have one now! honestly i don’t think it did a very good job of representing the cases, but it did do a good character remix of turnabout big top so that they’re not creepy anymore. they also did a really good job with the anime-specific cases, like the one on the train! it feels a lot better paced when it’s intended for that medium rather than just adapted.  also the childhood episodes made me cry

41. Opinion on anime cutscenes in Ace Attorney? like in 5 and 6? mm, the art style is kinda weird, and i don’t really like the voices, but i guess not everything can be pachinko and prozd

42. Would you want to play an Ace Attorney game where you take on the prosecutor’s role? YEAH ACTUALLY!!!!!! it might be kinda weird being on the right side of the screen though lmao

43. Do you like having DLC in Ace Attorney-games? uhhh i hate having to buy extra things, but i’ll admit that they are pretty funny

44. Opinion on Lamiroir’s storyline? i only played aj so if shes in other games idk but i thought she was fine

45. One thing you think the Ace Attorney games can improve on? stop having creepy characters please. also jesus christ if phoenix and edgeworth arent wearing rings in aa7 i will become the ceo of capcom myself

46. Capcom suddenly announces an Ace Attorney movie! Would you like it to be based on an already existing case or would you like an all new storyline? i mean the musical did a pretty good job of adapting existing cases, so it might as well be new. it would be kinda hard to balance the games’ timeline & character development without being repetitive or an au

47. Capcom suddenly announces an Ace Attorney movie! Would you prefer it being live-action, 3D animated or 2D animated? stylized 2D animation, probably? i would want it to feel more like into the spiderverse than an anime, though. in my dream ace attorney movie, they’d just need a high art budget, several plausible deniability wrightworth scenes, and prozd to voice edgeworth

48. If there could be an Ace Attorney crossover with whatever franchise you’d like, which one would you choose? (Does not need to be a video-game franchise) your turn to die is probably closest in characterization, although its premise is more “locked in a room” than the open-world investigation of aa

49. Opinion on recurring witnesses? (Wendy Oldbag, Lotta Hart, Larry Butz, etc.) honestly, i like them a lot! i don’t know why people hate them so much - i mean, i know lotta lied, and wendy is a horrible old flirt, and larry just kinda sucks all around. but they’re also pretty funny to have around! larry is a constant comic relief who reminds you how much better nick & edgey are in comparison, lotta is likeable as a general character (like in 2-4, although yeah, not remarkable), and wendy oldbag is really funny. she’s so fucking funny. none of you appreciate wendy oldbag’s quirks and you are SLEEPING ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

50. Do you think Dual Destinies deserved its M-rating? no idea, holy shit, it got an m-rating? i mean every game before it has had blood violence and very mild swearing, and since DD probably doesnt have anything too sexually risqué, i doubt it deserves a rating any harsher than the rest of the series

okay thanks thats all

#this was fun hbjsdsdj #yea i love the trilogy #also my theme makes all everything lowercase for some reason? so this is probably easier to read on mobile #ace attorney

[anerdsaverage]

D N' A

Today I feel more lonely than I have in a long time...

I like being a lone but I hate being lonely. It has been a while since my last truly depressive episode, I can usually distract myself, do something or try to talk to someone. With recent circumstances, for once truly and completely out of my control I have lost yet another friend. I have so few that this one really hurt. She knew me better than anyone before the full and real me, I didnt hide any part of myself from her, as far as friends go she was the best thing that had happened to me.

Right now I feel sadness like I cant explain, my words aren't eloquent enough to describe it. I've tried everything that usually helps. The gym, talking to my sister (but she was much too happy with her relationship at the moment and I dont want to burden her), I've tried video games and crying myself to sleep but even my dreams were sad... I hardly ever dream and if I do it usually happy so this really says something. I thought about cutting again but I dont want to fall down that rabbit hole again, I dont want to eat my feelings because I know that just makes things worse later, small side note, I've lost about 24lbs since being dumped so that's nice... work is going well too and yet. I feel more empty, pointless and lost than I have in recent memory.

Writing helps, getting it all out helps so I suppose seeing that guy once in a while is helping but it only does so much. I still feel disgust when I look in the mirror, my sex drive is virtually non existent and my motivation to keep going is in the shitter.

I continue to wonder what my lesson is here, what did I do that was so wrong that I need to continue to pay it, it has to be some sort of cosmic joke because everything I feel the slightest bit of happiness and comfort I have people walk out of my life, my heart broken and time wasted, I'm like the fat kid running on a treadmill after a treat that I'll never actually get.

With more and more time that passes, people lost and things broken I find myself more convinced that I need to stop trying to connect with people, accept sadness and loneliness as part of my life and do my best to keep going.

Suicide wont help, I've failed at it twice already, I'm not even good at that... to be honest I'm also afraid of what that would do to my brothers and sister as they are younger and I dont want them to be hurt or bullied do to my weakness, it is for them that I am still here no matter how much I wish everyday that I could just end it.

I hope that they can one day have a long and happy life. I want them to receive the love I cant seem to find. I hope that they are accepted for who they are and they don't have to go through what I have... for them I will continue to live in this hell for as long as it takes... even if they dont want to talk to me either.

I'm sorry to my mother and father, I know I've let you down since I was small, never good enough and always disappointing...

with love, your son.

#depression #anxiety #alone #lonely #i hate my life #me

[huphilpuffs]

flares

chapter: 25/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 3065 rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: a huge thanks goes to @obsessivelymoody for beta reading this for me!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

Dan wakes up on Thursday to a heaviness in his chest.

He groans before he even opens his eyes. His face is squished against a pillow, his ribs pressed too harshly against the mattress. Stabs of pain burst between them, make his muscles spasm and send his breath escaping in a stutter. He has to count, one, two, three, four to keep it from happening a second time.

It eases some when he rolls onto his back.

And he tries to comfort himself further by counting out how long it’s been since he’s been able to sleep on his stomach. Too long, probably.

He’s been getting better, though. Even staring at the bedroom ceiling through his tears, Dan knows that. Knows the he’s helped Phil with dinner the last few nights, and managed to handle the curtains being open for a few hours yesterday.

His hand smoothes across his sternum, and he pokes at the painful spots in his sides until the sharpness dulls.

It’s enough to let Dan sit up, then stand on shaky knees. He tosses Phil’s pillow back to where it belongs and tucks the duvet into place to prove the voice in his head, wondering why he’s suddenly worse again, that he’s fine.

And to ignore the second voice, telling him it’s anxiety that causes your pain, over and over again.

His appointment is in a day.

Dan’s hardly slept for three.

He tries to swallow back a sigh. Whatever rush of adrenaline had dragged him out of bed has faded, left fatigue settling heavy in his bones again. He could drag himself to the lounge, curl up in his blankets and continue his new daily routine of watching people on YouTube for hours.

But his body aches and his eyes burn, and he crawls back into bed instead.

The voice in his head grows louder.

Dan grabs Phil’s pillow, clutches it ot his chest and presses his face against the fabric, breathing deeply.

It smells like Phil.

He holds it until he falls back asleep.

---

The afternoon drags.

It’s past two when Dan wakes up again. The flat is still empty, the bed unmade again. He crawls out without bothering to fix it, makes himself a sandwich, and settles back on the sofa, where he can rest his head against the cushions and ignore the tightness around his heart.

Every time he turns on his phone, it’s too a notification reminding him he has an appointment tomorrow that has his muscles seizing, making it ache to breathe.

And to a reminder he half regrets setting, since he’s ignored it for days.

Call mum.

There’s only a few hours to follow through with it now.

He glances back at the clock that tells him it’s just ticking past three. Twenty-five hours left, says the voice in his head. It sounds like the last GP he saw, who looked him in the eyes and told him to try acting like he had more energy, who told him it would help.

You should try it, his mum had said afterwards. You never know unless you do.

Dan’s thumb swipes across the screen. He finds her contact, sucks in a breath, and hits the call button.

He doesn’t breathe again until she picks up on the third ring.

“Hi, Dan,” she says.

He hasn’t heard her voice since he decided to stay here. It feels like a lifetime ago, suddenly.

“Hi, mum.”

There’s silence for a long moment. He can hear her breathing over the line, low and steady, and wonders if she can hear the shakiness in his.

“How are you?” she asks

“I’m okay,” he says. “I, uh, have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

He swallows, nodding even though she can’t see him. “Just with my new GP, but I’m hoping he might be able to help me,” he says. “With, well, you know.”

“I hope he can.”

She sounds sad. It’s been a long time since Dan’s heard that.

“Me too,” he says. And then, because he can’t handle the silence: “But, uh, I was hoping you could maybe help me figure out my medical history, to prepare? I don’t remember all of it from when I first got sick.”

Back when she was responsible for it, he doesn’t say. Back when anyone could keep track of all of it.

“I’ll text it to you, okay?” she says. “I know your memory isn’t always the best, and your wrists tend to ache from writing.”

“Really?” He slams his mouth shut, the click of his teeth probably audible over the phone. “I mean, thanks.”

She chuckles, quiet, distant, like he can hear the miles between them. “I’m not always heartless, you know,” she says.

Dan’s breath comes out in a rush. Guilt bursts in its place, painful, bringing tears to his eyes. And he wants to tell her he never thought she was, but he can’t. She knows he can’t. He doesn’t even know what he thinks about her now, crying, hands shaking as he clutches his phone too tightly.

“Can I ask you something?” she says. “Without you getting mad?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you doing?” she says. “I know you don’t think your problems are with your mental health, and I’m not implying they are–” the not this time goes unspoken “–but I know you’ve had bad experiences with doctors and you’re my son.”

His breath catches. A tear rolls down his cheek, and he wipes it away with his hand.

This is his first appointment without her, he realizes. The first one in six years that she’s not driving him to, waiting outside or sitting next to him for the length of it. The first time she won’t smooth his hand over his knee in the waiting room, telling him it’ll be okay, that doctors can be trusted, even though they’d been proving otherwise for so long.

“I’m okay,” he says. “Phil’s coming with me.”

“That’s good,” she says, like she means it. “I am glad you have him, you know.”

He almost reminds her what she thought of him living with Phil last time they spoke, but his heart aches and his eyes are stinging and he doesn’t want to fight, not this time.

“Me too,” he says. “He’s the best, mum.”

She sounds like she’s smiling when she says: “I’d love to meet him, one day.”

Dan swallows. He can hardly picture it, bringing Phil back to a house filled with terrible memories and people he still doesn’t trust entirely. And yet there’s a tug in his chest, a bittersweet image forming in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t say anything.

Neither does she, for a while.

“I should get going,” is what she ends up saying. “As long as you’re okay? I’ll text you your medical information in a little bit.”

“Okay,” he says. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

She hums. “And Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“You should call your grandma. She misses her sofa buddy.”

He chuckles. It aches. Suddenly, he’s exhausted again. “Okay. I will,” he promises. “And mum?”

“Yeah?”

“No news is good news, okay? If I don’t call you after the appointment, I mean.”

“Okay,” she says. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line goes dead.

His head falls back against the cushion and his phone drops onto the sofa. Tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he’s not entirely sure he knows why.

Or maybe he just can’t untangle all the many, many reasons.

---

Phil’s quiet when he gets home.

He takes the smoothie Dan didn’t touch and sets it on the coffee table before dropping onto the empty cushion. His arm is draped across the back of the cushion, his hip just inches from Dan’s, as he turns his gaze to the open laptop, lit up with another Smosh video.

Dan’s been watching them mindlessly since his tears dried on his cheeks.

“This is a good one,” says Phil.

It’s an older one, the production value a little cheaper and humour a tad outdated. Probably more similar to what Phil had watched back at uni, Dan thinks. He tries to imagine it, a younger version of Phil, one with longer hair and a slightly narrower frame, sitting in a uni room like the one Dan moved out of before coming here.

He hardly can. Maybe because his mind is still muddled, hanging onto words he said during the phone call, onto all the things he should have said but didn’t.

“It is,” he says, just as the video ends.

He doesn’t start a new one.

Phil’s fingers sweep across his shoulder. In Dan’s peripheral, he can see Phil turn to look at him, but he doesn’t look back.

“Are you okay?” asks Phil.

Dan swallows. There’s a lump in his throat, a pressure behind his eyes so harsh it aches.

“Didn’t sleep very well,” he says.

Phil squeezes his shoulder. “I know.”

That makes the corner of his mouth quirk up. Of course Phil knows. He was there, arms wrapped around Dan as he fidgeted, tossed, and turned. His hands had combed through Dan’s hair, and his quiet questions about if Dan was okay were mumbled against his shoulder, his reassurance felt in his touch.

Phil usually falls asleep pretty quickly, Dan’s learned. Last night, he didn’t.

The hand at his shoulder tightens. Dan finally turns to face Phil.

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

His eyes are soft, almost sad, as his hand rubs gentle circles against Dan’s skin. He knows. He must know something’s up. Dan has to remind himself that Phil’s seen him after countless sleepless nights, curled up in soft blankets on the sofa and dozing when his mind gets too tired to keep racing.

Today isn’t like that.

Dan reaches out to rest a hand on Phil’s knee, needing to feel grounded, as the first tear rolls down his cheek. Phil draws him closer, so Dan’s head is by his shoulder, his tears dripping down onto the fabric of Phil’s shirt.

There’s no pressure, none but the weight of Phil’s hand on his shoulder, when Dan says:

“I called my mum.”

Phil goes tense. “Oh,” he say. “How did that go?”

Dan swallows. “I don’t know.”

He really doesn’t. His chest feels too full with contradictions, the weight of past accusations crashing up against her understanding tone and he doesn’t know what to think anymore. He’s never been sure how to exist around her, not since pain first settled in his bones and she told him it was growing pains, it would pass, it would get better.

And it never did.

“I haven’t talked to her since I told her I was staying in Manchester,” he says, maybe as an afterthought, maybe because it’s felt heavy on his shoulders since he answered the phone.

“Was she nicer this time?”

He nods. Another tear falls. “She’s texting me my medical history,” says Dan. “She offered, because she– she knew I had trouble writing and remembering.”

Phil hums. His breath has gone even again. His mouth is close to the top of Dan’s head. He sounds hesitant when he speaks. “It sounds like she cares.”

Dan feels that, sharp and painful in his gut. Another tear rolls down his cheek, and his breath catches, and Phil holds him tighter like he’s scared Dan will fall apart.

Maybe he will.

It’s been so long,

He’s been so that sure she doesn’t actually care.

Now, he doesn’t know what to think.

---

His mum texts him.

Dan almost cries. His teeth dig into his lip and his ribs ache and he stares, wide-eyed, at the list of diagnoses and unexplained symptoms he’s had over the years. There’s the migraines they never treated at the beginning, the lightheadedness it took them four years to explain, the instructions to do more exercise that dot the whole six years that he’s been ill.

The first time he went to therapy, and the antidepressants they put him on, and the second time he went to therapy.

And every time he told his doctor he was still sick after that.

Phil’s hand lands on his wrist, gently pushing the phone from Dan’s line of sight. His voice is barely a whisper when he says: “Are you okay?”

Dan swallows. His throat aches.

Laid out like this, it doesn’t look that bad, a distant voice in his head that’s haunted him for too long tries to remind him that maybe he’s just making it all up. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. But Dan can remember the A&E doctor who turned him away because it was growing pains. Can remember the so many times his blood pressure was low before anyone bothered to point it out.

The time his doctor looked at him and said–

“Can we do something?” says Dan. “I want to– I need a distraction.”

Phil nods. In Dan’s peripheral, his phone screen goes black. The knot in his chest loosens, just a bit.

“Wanna play video games?” says Phil.

He shakes his head. “Wanna go out. It’s been too long.”

Phil’s brows furrow, like he’s about to point out that there’s a reason it’s been so long, about to warn Dan that he doesn’t want to make himself sick before such an important day.

Except part of Dan does. He’s done it before, forced himself to be in pain because maybe that way the doctors would actually see that he wasn’t lying. Not that it’s ever worked.

“Please?” he says.

Phil squeezes his wrist. “Okay.” His thumb drifts across Dan’s, careful and comforting. “Where do you want to go?”

---

Dan squeezes into his skinny jeans, even though the fabric burns his legs. He pulls a shirt over his head for what feels like the first time in forever. Though his knees are shaky, he bends down to tie his own laces, as Phil watches from where he’s leaning against the door.

“Are you sure about this?”

He reaches out, without a word, to help Dan stand again.

“I’m sure,” says Dan. “And don’t worry, you won’t need to take me to A&E this time.”

The corner of Phil’s mouth quirks up, and Dan knows he’s forcing it. He can feel his worry in the too-tight clench of Phil’s hand around his, the way his gaze trips over Dan legs when he wobbles as he stands.

He squeezes Phil’s fingers, forcing a smile of his own, as he opens the door.

It’s warm outside. The sky’s going purple as the sun sinks below the city. Dan realizes, staring up at it, that he hasn’t left the flat since he trip to A&E, hasn’t enjoyed being outside in far too long.

If his joints would let him, he’d suggest they walk around a bit. Instead, he stares up at the clouds and reminds himself to spend more evenings, when the sun won’t burn his eyes, on their little balcony, just to feel the wind against his cheeks again.

Phil tugs on his hand when the cab pulls up in front of them. They pile in, side by side in the back seat. Dan doesn’t put on his seatbelt. He can’t be bothered to deal with the harsh rub of fabric against his ribs.

His chest is still tight, the quiet buzz of anxiety at the back of his mind growing louder. He can still feel his phone, heavy in his pocket, can still imagine the text he hasn’t yet responded to. He can remember their last movie night, laughing and gasping and falling asleep with Phil’s hands trying to massage the pain away.

They hadn’t even gone out last time.

Dan stares out the window and hopes he can keep his promise that it’ll be okay this time.

They slip out of the car at the cinema. Phil pays the driver. Dan leans against the wall as he waits, wondering if the lines inside are long. It’s been so long since he’s been to the cinema, he can hardly imagine it anymore. The screens usually hurt his eyes and the audio gives him a headache and he doesn’t care today.

“You okay?”

Phil’s smiling at him, standing by the door. He holds it open for Dan, and buys their tickets for a random comedy neither of them particularly wanted to see. He lets Dan go find a seat as he buys them popcorn, soda, and a chocolate bar to share. He hands it over, in the darkness of the theatre, with a smile.

Between them, their knees bump together as the film starts.

---

They’re holding hands when it ends.

Dan’s eyes are starting to burn and his chest aches from laughing, but the voices in his head have dulled just enough that he can breathe a little easier. He doesn’t think about the appointment he needs to show up to tomorrow, or the doctor he hasn’t met yet who might dash his hopes all over again.

He stares at their joined hands as the cinema empties, smiling.

“You ready to go home?” says Phil.

Dan shrugs. He probably should give his spine a break by sinking into the sofa again, close his eyes against the bright lights of the city before a headache wells in his temples. But he doesn’t want to sit in the dark and wait until tomorrow, letting his fears return.

“Can we get pizza?”

“You up to walk?”

He nods. Phil helps him to his feet and leads him out of the cinema. He knows Manchester better than Dan does, and tells a story about coming to watch movies with Ian when he was younger as they find the nearest pizza place. Dan listens, maybe more attentively than he needs to, to keep his mind from going hazy as the city moves around him.

There’s still a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Dan wonders if him of a few years ago would have believed that he’d end up here.

The restaurant they end up in is small and quiet, and they slide into a booth in the corner of the room. Dan sinks back against the cushion, realizing that Phil’s smiling, too.

His chest feels warm. His fingers twist in the tablecloth, because part of him misses holding Phil’s hand.

“Thanks for tonight,” says Dan. “I had fun.”

Under the table, Phil knocks their feet together.

“I did too,” he says.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #flares #callie writes words #sorry I haven't been online much #turns out when irl is going either better or worse than just fine i don't find much tumblr time

[karenninaaa]

Tony finding out Peter was his son before and during IM1 AU

Inspired by mamalaz’ post

After Peter was born, Mary went to Tony and told him about Peter, though she was already married to Richard Parker. She’s that kind to let Tony know.

Tony was shocked at first but he accepted Peter immediately, after all the insecurity with himself and thoughts that he wouldnt be able to be a good dad.

Because one look at baby Peter wrapped in a bundle, Tony instantly felt the connection, that this was his son and he wouldn’t let Peter suffer the same hell of feeling abandoned and neglected by a dad *coughs* Howard *coughs*

As young Peter was growing up, he was aware that he’s got two dads and he’s very happy with that. There were times he would stay at his papa Tony’s malibu mansion and watched his dad tinker.

It was one of Peter’s favorite times

And also listening to his dad babbles on and on about machines and science. Though he didnt understand yet some of it.

But come on, they were a family of genius people.

Peter also loves the bots and always play with them

JARVIS too. JARVIS would tell him random facts and show him kiddy videos that would fascinate little Peter. 

the bots and JARVIS love Peter too and they would be an unstoppable killing arsenal just to protect Peter.

Peter was the reason why tony toned down the gambling, womanizing and drinking activities. He rarely drinks when Peter was around. 

Tony did everything in his power to protect Peter from the media because Mary threatened him they wanted a private and quiet life for Peter.

A few handful people knew about Peter’s existence: Pepper, Rhodes, Happy, aunt May and Uncle Ben yes they exist here because i dont have the heart to ignore them  and Obadiah Stane. i know it sucks that he knows but Tony trusted him that time

Peter was six when Richard and Mary had to go on a overseas business trip. that’s why he would stay Tony’s place for a duration of time

They promised to Peter that they would be back soon.

Except that they didn’t because of a plane crash.

Tony didn’t have the balls to tell Peter because he knew the pain of losing a parents.

He still broke the news to Peter.

“Papa what do you mean they’re not coming back?”

It killed Tony that the light on Peter’s innocent eyes got wiped away and replaced by sadness and tears.

Tony never left Peter’s side, even though Peter wouldn’t talk to anyone. Tony was always there telling him funny and random stories. One time, Tony showed him a tech toy that he invented himself, hoping that it would distract Peter from loneliness.

To Tony’s surprise, it worked! He could swear that his heart melted when he saw his son cracked a smile because of that tech and ever since the accident. Hooray! plus points for dad!tony.

That’s the time when they started to heal, the pain was still there but it became bearable for Peter knowing that his papa was always there for him.

There were times that he missed his dad and mom but Tony would always hugged him and told him that they were now in a happy place.

Peter was eight when Tony had to go on an inevitable business trip at Afghanistan.

It terrified Peter. triggered memories from his late mom and dad

Because that was the first time that Tony had to leave abroad ever since the accident. Tony refused to go so far away from his son anyway

Tony didn’t want to go either but he had no choice because it was an important business deal that would greatly affect the company’s profit.

And so to ease Peter’s terror, Tony promised that they would go to the Disneyland after he came back

“But what if, you didn’t come back papa, like mom and dad?”

“I’ll come back son promise, and since when did I ever break my promise to you? Pinky-inky promise.” Tony held out his pinky and gave his son a playful wink.

Peter knew that his papa never breaks a promise to him, it comforted him and the Disneyland too. It was his first time to go on a Disneyland. They didn’t go out of public that much because of the secret but Peter doesn’t mind. At the very young age, he knew how papparrazi could be so annoying, he witnessed that personally from afar when his papa got bombarded by the media. Peter decided then that he didn’t like them.

Anyway, so off Tony went. Peter stayed at his aunt May and uncle Ben

That’s when Peter saw the tv news that Tony’s convoy in Afghanistan got attacked and Tony went missing.

Peter demanded to go back at the Malibu mansion at once.

He ran straight to his papa’s bedroom and dove on the bed, inhaling his papa’s scent on the sheet reminding him that he’s papa had been there.

and it’s all coming back to Peter, the plane crash and the last memories of his mom and dad, the same promise that they would come back but didn’t. 

Peter was crying angrily. They were all the same breaking a promise over and over again and leaving him behind.

Peter’s cry of agony was the most painful thing ever heard at the Stark mansion.

Peter refused to leave from bed for days

Though his aunt and uncle and Pepper and Happy were always coming to him mouthing words of comfort.

Rhodes was staring at the younger Stark by the door. He swore that he would find his bestfriend and wouldn’t leave this child orphan again.

And when Peter decided to go down to the abandoned lab of his papa, he went straight to the bots and hugged them. He cried again.

Peter wouldn’t admit it out loud but he was still hoping that he’s papa was somewhere doing something to get back to them because just thinking the otherwise was unbearable.

3 agonizing months.

So close that everyone would give up and Peter even heard his aunt and uncle talking with Pepper about the custody when Tony wouldn’t able to make it back.

Peter shouted at them, tears falling from his cheeks, that his papa would come back. Then he ran back towards his papa’s bedroom.

One morning, Peter got woken up by Pepper with tears in her eyes, Peter dreaded it for a second but then Pepper was laughing and crying at the same time, telling him that Uncle Rhodes finally found his dad.

All hell broke lose when two things had happened: Peter’s identity reveal and the shutting down of weapon’s manufacturing at Stark Industries.

Well, the first one was due to a lot of people had witnessed a kid running on a tarmac shouting dad at Tony and falling on his dad’s arms.

A lot of people was also shocked to see Tony crying clinging to his son.

No one had expected that Tony the rich, arrogant, megalomaniac and merchant of death Stark could be so human

The second they recovered from crying Tony demanded why Peter lost so much weight.

“They aren’t starving you while I was gone, right? Or you’re not eating the veggies again? We’ve talked about this, sweet pea.

“I missed you dad” Peter’s only reply.

 And that brought tears again on Tony’s eyes bcos goddamn it how much he also missed his son while in that cave. Peter was one of the reasons why he stayed sane while he was kidnapped. 

His son was the fuel in him that drove him to get out from that hellish cave.

 “Huh, I now became a dad and you are being a smarty pants again and cleverly avoiding the veggie topic.” But he hugged his son again as tightly as he could, like he never hugged anyone so tightly like that. 

“I missed you too so much, sweet pea.”

Peter was fascinated about the arc reactor on his dad’s chest more than scared.

He bombarded Tony about the schematics of the said arc reactor 

And Tony patiently explained it to him.

Peter watched Pepper replaced the old arc reactor on his chest.

He decided that Pepper was the most reliable person he had ever met and she and dad were cute together.

Peter watched his dad built the Mark II prototype of an armor suit.

He had asked what the suit was for.

His dad’s only reply was “It was to correct the mistakes I had done.”

When Peter asked what mistakes, Tony just ruffled his son’s curly hair affectionately.

Peter gleefully asked how the first flight went donning the armor suit and was in super awe that his dad could fly like the cartoons he had watched on tv.

Peter was confused when the next morning, Tony was packing Peter’s things telling him that they would go somewhere. He remembered his dad going to a charity gala party last night and he fell asleep waiting for him.· 

He asked where they would go.

 “Son, I’m not coming with you. You’re staying with Aunt May and Uncle Ben on a very nice place-”

Tony saw how Peter’s eyes widen on thought that they’re going to be separated again.

 “-temporarily.” Tony immediately assured. 

 “I don’t wanna go away without you!” 

“Peter, listen to me. This is just temporarily and I wanted you to be safe. I promise before you know it, we are together again. Pinky-inky promise.”

 Peter knew that his dad never break promises like how he came back from Afghanistan like he had promised before. So Peter relented.

And Peter was once again watching the tv, watching his dad revealed to the world that he was Iron Man. Astonishment were dancing in his big brown orbs.

His dad was a superhero. 

#weew i finally finished it! #you know when your ancient laptop and tumblr wasnt cooperating with you #and you're on the verge #of pulling your hair out due to #frustration #that i had to retype everthing #struggles #tony stark #peter parker #father-son relationship #iron dad and his spider son #pepper potts #pepperony #karennina writes #peter &amp; tony prompts #karennina prompts

[theparaminds]

It’s not as though Natalie Green knew what this year held in store or what would exist at the end of the road. Though, at every step of the way, he kept going. Embodied in both his music and his story of perseverance, is a rare example of an artistic soul that found peace where few would ever dream to look. It took months of learning and continued questioning of himself and what he wanted to be. But in the end, it resulted in a man anew.

With a new project taking shape in studio sessions that contrast his earlier life, Natalie Green is finding a voice he previously was nervous to share, speaking louder than before. The ideas, memoirs and anxieties he hopes to express have become clear. With every note, he continually finds himself as much as he does connect to those who battle the same confusions.

Natalie Green now stands with a new asset he hadn’t held prior, the ability to embark on the path he wants, not the one life throws him upon. He can stand and become the artist he visualizes, the artist he knows is essential to reveal to the world. For the first time in a while, Natalie Green is in control, with a steering wheel in hand and a road of possibility on the horizon.

Our first question as always, how’s your day going and how are you?

Things have been hectic, but good. Good busy you know? There are different kinds of busy and this one has been all positive.

On your last EP last year, it sounded like you weren’t fully at peace, do you find that you are now after a year of personal introspection?

Yeah for sure, when I was writing the EP, I was in a really terrible place physically, emotionally and mentally. It was a passion project when it came out, I didn’t have to think about it. Whereas now, I’ve got a place, I’m not just in my car anymore, I emotionally feel a lot more centered, I have my head on straight. I’ve found friends and people that I love to surround myself with. Everything’s been a thousand times better.

When you’re looking within this shift you’ve undertaken, where do you think you’ve personally grown the most, whether artistically or as an individual?

I think I’ve gotten more empathetic towards people. All people. As well, I feel more self-aware. What I realized when living in my car was that I didn’t know myself. Living in a house again with roommates made me, in a new way, learn more about myself, and where I needed to spend a lot of time mentally. As far as musically, I feel more confident, I think that’s apparent in my vocals and instrumentation, they’re far more personal in that sense.

With the new year in season, being a time of reflecting upon the past year, do you have any memories that stick out to you as positive through the difficult and turbulent times?

There’s a lot. I don’t know if there’s one specific moment, but definitely moving into the apartment. I also got to play a private show in my friend’s backyard for all my close friends. That was a big moment for me. There’s a lot of moments where I had friends reassure me, and believe in me when I wasn’t doing so myself. One of my best friends from back home came to live here a little while ago, that was really special to have him back. The whole tour with Roy, of course, was inspiring, to see him do all that and becoming closer to everyone I went on tour with will forever be in my memories.

With that tour, and even more so working on Cat Heaven, happening while you were working on your own projects, did they influence the way you approached your new work?

There are certain things I learn from other people I can implement in my own music later. There will be something I’ll figure out while I’m working with someone, be it a sound or a new style, I can kinda pull out later. A lot of it is just talking to others and learning their inspirations and how that reflects in their music. Then turning and comparing that to my own influences and seeing how I do the same. It’s all just inspiration.

To touch on that idea of inspiration, you’ve mentioned in the past how you have a wide range on influences in your life in terms on music, but in the last year, which artists have really been influencing the work you’re putting out?

There’s been a lot of really great artists I just got into this past year-ish, but a big one is Michelle Zauner, who’s the singer for Japanese Breakfast. I’m hugely inspired by her, the fact she directs her own music videos and does all her own creative output, it’s really amazing. I’ve also loved the movies of Michel Gondry and the writing of Charlie Kaufman, anything they work on is amazing and so intoxicating.

With this new album you’re ramping up to release, has there been a difference in approach to how you wrote songs and lyrics? And how does that process look like?

I mean it’s been different for almost every song, I tried to do the album the same way I did the EP, and it wasn’t working right. Every song I wrote just felt lacklustre or the same. So to change it up, I had to change my methods, like the first song I wrote, I did two guitar parts first and then I sang, then produced over. That is very different to the EP which was songs first then lyrics. There are certain songs where before I recorded, I had a guitar riff and just wrote the song in a very traditional way, just chords and singing. Maybe loops would be first at times, and then they’d be built off of. Everything has been different.

It’s interesting because it sounds like you’ve really been adding more to your skill set as an artist, would you say that if you had a tool belt of music, that you’ve been adding towards it in the last while?

Yeah, definitely. I’ve been doing that my whole life honestly. I started in bands, not knowing how to produce or anything, but I could play guitar and from then I learned the bass just to add of that. Then I learned production, and that is forever useful. Now I’m working more to be an artist and learn what that entails and requires. Every time I learn something new I really take that and hold onto it until needed.

If you could create your ideal music creation space, where would it be and how would it look like?

That’s interesting, It would really just need to be a secluded place. A place I could disappear and a place I could be as loud as I want as late as I want. No interruptions, all the equipment I needed. Some food, drinks and a bathroom, that’s all I need.

Over the year you’ve posted some concerts you went to, like Paramore in the summer. Are there other shows you saw live that really had an impact upon you and maybe changed the way you approach live shows yourself?

Well, of course, the tour with Roy, he’s been super inspiring in general and watching the man work is amazing. He has a lot of fantastic ideas and he goes through with them. I saw Daisy as well, and they’re so good live. Solange was also amazing with her stage design and her choreography. I also saw Soccer Mommy pretty recently, and it wasn’t too extravagant but it was so well done and exciting to see as a fan of the music.

When you’re on stage, even something like the backyard show you mentioned earlier, what’s the emotion you’re trying to achieve and what is the mindset that you find yourself within at that moment?

When I played that private show, I realized all my songs were pretty mellow and hard to dance or move to. All except for Beachwood didn’t translate very well. So with this new project, I want them to translate really well live, to feel energetic, to feel lively. The songs are just fun. But I keep that emotion in and make sure that I don’t lose what made the earlier work so special and important.

What’s been the overall message you’re trying to pursue this new work and what is it you’re hoping to convey?

I kinda just want to tell my story. Or a story of mine. If people learn things from that, its great, but I’m just saying what happened in my experience. What I realized is that there’s a lot of shitty things that happened to me in my life, but the truth is that things could be a lot worse, so far they’ve been pretty good for the most part. While I had those tough days, I’m still here kicking it.

I apologize if it’s a repeated question, but with the topic of your story, what’s the meaning behind the stage name you’ve taken upon yourself?

It is and it isn’t part of my story in a way. A big part of that choice was that I wanted to separate myself from my old name and work. I wanted this to be super new. The name is taken from two names of people I am very inspired by. And it also, to me, sounds like the quintessential hot girl from a high school, the girl in the coming of age movie they all go after.

If you had a message to artists out there who may find themselves in the same space as you have previously found yourself within, those who may feel as unsure, what would be your lesson to pass on?

I think it doesn’t matter if you’re as confident or as talented as you want to be, as long as you recognize what sounds good to you, just put out the song. It doesn’t matter if you think your voice was bad, just keep progressing as an artist. If you wait for that progression you’ll never put stuff out, you’ll never be happy. With whatever you have right now, just start putting something, anything, out.

Follow Natalie Green on Twitter and Instagram

Listen on Soundcloud and Spotify

All Photos by Guthrie King

[kinkyteaa]

A Christmas in the Life of Dan and Phil

*please do not repost without my permission, though reblogs on tumblr are appreciated*

It was Christmas Day.

Phil stood over the festive dinner he’d made and studied it critically. It was perfect. Okay,so maybe the turkey was a little on the burnt side and the raspberry sponge cake was slightly lopsided,but Phil hadn’t had much time and he’d done the best he could. Besides,surely the expensive champagne and the plate of crunchy almond cookies from Zoe made up for them.

“Bzzz.”

Phil looked up,surprised. Dan was back. Already?? Shit. He hadn’t started making the pasta yet.

He rushed to the door,ready to stall his housemate for as long as he could,when a chirpy female voice filtered through the intercom.

“Philip! Open the door will you, my arms are bloody full and the baby in me is extremely awake right now!” Phil gave a sigh of relief. Louise.

As soon as he opened the door, the blonde burst into the room,armed with dozens of colourful shopping bags and an enormous baby belly.

“Louise! Oh gosh, here-let me help,” Phil insisted, concerned that she’d been carrying so many heavy things while practically 9 months pregnant.

“Ever the gentleman, I see,” Louise winked.

“Oh Lord- thanks. I thought my arms were going to detach from my body,” she joked, immediately bustling into the dining room. Phil carefully put the bags on the couch before going after his miraculously energetic friend.

“Right,so the tinsel will have to go up by the counters and I figure we could hang the mini golden angels from those wall cabinet handles,” Louise rambled,pointing as she walked about, inspecting the floor,then the laid table.

Phil had no idea what was happening.

“We’ll need to polish the glass on that,then maybe stick some mistletoe up by that window,“she continued, completely unaware of Phil’s oblivion.

“And how ‘bout-”

“Wait!“Phil interrupted.

“What?“Louise whirled around, surprised.

“What are you talking about? What’s going on??” Phil asked,baffled.

“Decorations, of course! It’s Christmas ain’t it? And you’re proposing to Dan tonight,so obviously we need to spruce things up a bit. Don’t worry, I knew we needed to put red roses into the mix as well so I’ve ordered some already, they’ll be here any minute,” the blonde replied casually.

Phil’s mouth dropped open. Louise raised an eyebrow.

“You ARE proposing to Dan tonight, aren’t you?”

“Well-um..” Phil started. “I - not really, I just- I don’t think we’re ready,” he continued lamely, scratching the back of his neck.

Louise looked outraged. “Philip Michael Lester, you’ve been dating Dan for 7 years! Don’t you think it’s time you proposed? It’s not fair to the poor boy, he’s been waiting for you to ask him for ages!” she accused,then clapped her hands over her mouth when she realized what she’d just let slip.

“Oh shit,” she mumbled, as Phil’s eyebrows shot up.

“First of all,Dan is most definitely NOT a ‘poor boy’ ,” Phil scoffed ,remembering the price of Dans winter parka, “and second, he has? Why didn’t he say so?”

Louise snorted.

“That’s not how it works, Phil, and that’s besides the point. The point is, it’s been YEARS and you two are still perfectly happy living with one another. You know all about each other’s strengths,weaknesses, likes and dislikes,plus you’ve got some freaky telepathy thing- which I still don’t think is fair when we’re playing charades in teams. Then there’s the fact that you’ve written two books together and gone on bloody TOUR together for fuck’s sake!” Louise reasoned.

“But I don’t really think now is a good time to ask,I mean, we’re so busy with everything at the moment- especially with the second tour coming soon,” Phil tried protesting.

Louise stepped forward and put both hands on the man’s shoulders.

“Phil?”

“Yes?”

“STOP. BEING. SUCH. A. SCARED. LITTLE. BABY! ” Louise emphasized each word while shaking Phil hard, making him extremely dizzy.

She stopped abruptly and looked him hard in the eye.

“There’ll never be a perfect time, and you’ve stalled long enough. Listen to me,” she said firmly, when Phil attempted to protest yet again.

“What are you waiting for,Phil? What’s holding you back? Don’t you love Dan?”

Phil nodded ,looking at the floor.

“DO YOU?!” Louise screeched, shaking him some more.

“Y-yes!” Phil choked out. “I do!’

“Do you want to be with him for the rest of your life?”

“Yes.”

“Then what the bloody cheesecake is stopping you??” Louise demanded, standing back with her hands on her hips.

“I- ” Phil began. He looked up at his friend,embarassed. Louise’s eyes softened.

“Go on,” she encouraged.

Phil sighed.

“I’m scared, what if I’m not good enough? What if I can’t make him happy? He’s the most beautiful boy I’ve ever met, he’s so caring and kind; he’s smart and funny, he’s articulate, he’s just so -so.. perfect.” Phil let out a harsh breath.

Louise frowned slightly but waited for him to continue.

“And then there’s me. I’m ugly. I’m stupid. People think my videos are dumb and childish. I’m not even funny, I don’t know why Dan is dating me. He’s been through godawful shit and he’s still so strong. He’s done so much for the online community, for people all around the WORLD, and I just- .. I’m useless.”

Finishing his little speech, Phil teared up a little then steeled himself. Willed himself not to cry. Like always.

Before he could react, warm arms enveloped him, squeezing him hard despite the large belly in the way.

“Group hug,” Louise smiled fondly at him. Phil smiled weakly in return.

“Look, Phil. I’ve known Dan for a long time, and I know for a fact that he was unhappy and lonely for a very long time. Until YOU came along. No matter what, you’ve always been there to help him through,” Louise hesitated, inhaling sharply.

“There used to be a time when Dan used to call me on the phone,crying and crying and telling me he was done, he was just so fucking DONE with everything, with the world, with himself, with his entire fucking EXISTENCE ; and he’d heave and choke on his own words. He’d sob and beg me to tell him everything would get better. That one day, everything wouldn’t hurt so much. That one day, things would CHANGE. And I would. I’d say everything over and over, wishing I could do more for him. But every time I tried, he’d more often than not, push me away, saying he didn’t want to trouble me further and I had my own life to live,” here Louise paused to breathe,closing her eyes briefly as the memories swam through her head.

Phil remained silent.

“Two years had passed and nothing had changed. The calls came more often now and I was honestly beginning to despair. The last time I’d told Dan it would be okay, that things would change, even I didn’t know if I believed what I was saying anymore. Then, Dan found you. The calls came just as frequently as before, but this time they were to talk about YOU. How ‘Phil replied to my comment, Louise!’, ‘Phil Skyped me, Louise!’,‘PHIL ASKED ME OUT, LOUISE!’ And he’s been the happiest I’ve ever seen him since then. Because of YOUR love and support, he’s grown to be a strong, confident ,HAPPY young man. And that’s thanks to you. It’d be a lie to say he’s become that person without even a LITTLE bit of your help and we both know it,” Louise folded her arms.

“So if you think you don’t make him happy, Phil, you’re wrong. As for the rest, that’s all bullshit. You’re an attractive, amazing guy, who’s helped millions of people from different continents overcome their fear, anxiety, depression and goodness knows what else but for some bloody reason, you can’t seem to see that. Not to mention, you’re creative and intelligent and the nicest person I know, and I’m 100% sure Dan would agree with me wholeheartedly.”

At this, Phil started to cry, moving forward to pull Louise into an embrace. “You’re right. It’d be stupid to let my fears and insecurities stop me from marrying the man I love. I promise I’ll propose to him tonight, it’s really taken me a ridiculously long time. And I’ll do whatever I can to keep him the happiest man alive.”

“I know you will,” Louise smiled. “Now grab that tinsel and let’s get decorating.”

~~~ Two hours later, Dan Howell came home to a beaming Phil Lester, a spotlessly clean house -with the exception being the dining room, which was very dramatically decorated- and a more or less edible (but lovingly-made) dinner.

“Phil,you spork! You didn’t have to put in so much effort. It’s just a Christmas dinner,” Dan laughed as his blue-eyed boyfriend carried him, bridal style, to the dinner table ,where several bouquets of deep, crimson-coloured roses had been tastefully arranged- Louise didnt half-ass things when it came to flowers.

“Oh my fucking gosh, I’m ACTUALLY gonna’ fall. Phil,put me down,” Dan giggled, holding on to the other boy for dear life.

“You’re not. Shut up, I’ve got you.”

Phil nuzzled his pale cheek into Dan’s soft snowflake-strewn curls, kissing the younger boy gently on the forehead, making him blush a pretty pink. He hummed quietly, savoring the moment.

A small gasp made Phil grin. Dan had spotted the food.

“Holy mother of frick, what are you trying to do,fatten me up and eat me like the witch in that fairy tale? What was it called again,Handel and Gothel? Handle and Goth Girl??” Dan mumbled, distracted.

Phil laughed at how quickly his boyfriend could get sidetracked.

“Hansel and Gretel, you turd. And no, I’m not gonna’ eat you. Not in that way, at least,” he added, hiding a smirk.

Dan flushed ,nearly choking on his macaroni.(Yes,macaroni. Because Phil insisted all pasta was romantic.)

Grinning,Phil continued to eat as if nothing had happened as Dan rolled his eyes, annoyed at how easily he’d walked into that one.

He perked up when Phil brought out the ice-cold luxury champagne though.

“Whoa- Phil, something’s up, isn’t it?” the younger boy asked,his eyes wide- ecstatic,then suspicious.

Swallowing, Phil closed his eyes for a moment.

Come on,Phil. You can do this. You love Dan and Dan loves you.

He began to think of all the moments they’d had together. The places they’d seen together. How they’d met. 2009. The problems they’d worked through. 2012. The gaming channel. Dil. The radio show. PINOF. 2016. TABINOF. DAPGO. TATINOF,the tour. Dan’s rebrand. His now curly hair and adorable freckles.

Dan smiling at him as they sang ‘The Internet Is Here’. Dan laughing at Phil after throwing a giant snowball into his face. Dan snorting with laughter as Phil tried to capture the praying mantis on the wall of their room. Dan giggling as they played Golf with Friends. Dan squeezing his hand quickly when things got too much for Phil backstage. Dan kissing him in the rain on Mount Fuji. Dan rubbing Phil’s back when he had really bad motion sickness. Dan cuddling up to him in the darkness of their room. Dan whispering a quiet ‘I love you’ in that same darkness.

You can do this, Phil. You love Dan. And Dan loves you.

He opened his eyes, certain.

“Phil?” Dan asked quietly as Phil got up and walked over to him.

The flames of Dan’s favourite scented candles flickered slowly as they bathed the room in a warm,pleasant glow,lighting up Dan’s beautiful brown eyes.

Snow was falling steadily outside when Phil Lester got down on one knee and took the small blue box out of his pocket, opening it and holding it up to his boyfriend.

“Daniel James Howell, will you make me the happiest man alive by- .. by marrying me?” he asked ,his heart beating wildly.

No answer. Phil looked up,terrified.

Dan was crying. Big, fat tears were leaking out of the corners of his eyes and rolling down his rosy, freckle-dusted cheeks.

“Dan- are you okay? Was it too early? I’m so sorry,” Phil babbled, embarassed and worried.

“No- no, shut up, you idiot!” Dan swatted the other man on the shoulder.

“Of course I’ll marry you, I’m just so happy, I’m fucking crying. Oh gosh, it took you long enough,” he laughed, pushing himself off his chair and into Phil’s waiting arms.

Phil pulled the brunette in for a long, loving kiss,feeling Dan’s smile against his lips.

“I love you,” Dan whispered in the semi- darkness.

“I love you too, bear,” Phil replied, sighing contentedly.

He loved Dan. And Dan loved him.

#phan #dan howell #phil lester #phanfiction #phan fluff #louise pentland #dan and phil

[angeljonghyun]

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

#personal #longpost #negative #tw:suicide #tw:death