#treatment didnt work at all

[theunholystromboli]

Fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer fuck cancer

#dont worry my cancer hasnt recurred #but my grandma has stage 4 cancer #and shes dying #treatment didnt work at all #she only has days to weeks to live #and i dont know if ill be able to see her one last time before she dies #because im fighting a cold now #of all fucking times #so i cant go and see her until im better #or else i might end up killing her #my heart is fucking breaking over this #she means so much to me #to so many people #the world will be a worse place without her #it hasnt even been a year since my uncle died #and now we are losing her too #she might end up dying on the anniversary of his death #this is one of those times where i just hate everything #i dont know what to do with myself #because there is nothing i can do to make any of this better #fuck #vent post

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hm. thinking about death and all that #bc the other day my mom texted me and my sisters to say shes added another cancer to her repertoire #shes had smooth muscle cancer for the past maybe 10 years but in the last year shes gotten a lot sicker #idk how long shes been stage 4 but shes got tumors in her liver. bladder. and maybe a kidney. and now shes also got like pre leukemia #she like deff got it from chemo treatment so now shes gotta try to go get a different treatment #but the type of mds she has is more likely to be treatment resistant and advance to acute myloid leukemia #so idk maybe itll go well. right now she still feels okay. but it just feels like the beginning of the end #so death has been on my mind the past few days #i feel mostly fine bc i think my medication is actually working. i just feel like im waiting for the other shoe to drop ya kno #and selfishly if she dies in the next 4 years itll b a real clusterfuck for my life #but i dunno her life has been super unfair and it sucks that she has to go thru all this #also when i was home last her hair looked insane bc she lost most of it but didnt shave what was left so she had new hair growing short #underneath and all i could think when i looked at her was: we r at the end of vanity. bc im a goblin #unrelated

[roetrolls]

:))))) hrgh

ok so not to get too venty on here but

i start my final quarter of college tomorrow w/ my senior film due in 2 months, and my neurologist just upped my steroid dosage which might result in new side effects (or maybe already has? the steroids have already been fucking with my vision but it seems a lil worse and now i think im having trouble falling asleep too) AND im gonna have to deal with infusions during this too :')

o(-< so hrghhhhhhh basically the next 10 weeks are about to be really stressful and i just wanna ask that everybody be patient/gentle with me

#ughhh im so nervous #my hearts gonna explode outta my chest bro OTL #im also trying very hard not to worry about my treatment progress #i trust my neurologist but it is becoming very difficult to leave every appointment with #'i was hoping we'd see more progress by now. im going to up the ante' #ive already progressed so far and would be beyond thrilled if this was the limit #but im scared that if it IS it's gonna take constant work to maintain it #i cant get infusions for the rest of my life #and like #ok so when i started the steroid #i had a bit of a backslide in progress at first #which really scared me #turns out thats normal! #but she didnt warn me #and it turns out. she didnt warn me because. #in the 2000 people she has prescribed this steroid to #i am the only person who had that happen on a dose less than 40mg #so! not normal actually! #and i know bodies are just weird sometimes but that combined with the fact that apparently my case is really stubborn... #o(-< im scared #and the classes i need to graduate arent offered in the summer so if i cant push through them with all of this going on i cant just #drop one then graduate then finish in summer (which they let you do) #puts my head in my hands

[soldier-poet-king]

My hair has finally been revived after a week of the nasty greasiest limp flat hair imaginable and I'm always like oh noooo everyone says curly hair needs moisture and clarifying when it's not defined and voluminous and I always do that and then. It always gets worse. U dumb ass. It's protein. Ur hair needs protein. Every time. Skip the extra moisture, the curly bloggers are lying to you. Your hair is super fine. You don't need the moisture you need the protein to retain curl shape. Your hair is porous. Don't fall for the evil moisture lies meant for thick hair.

Cause and effect???? Pattern recognition???? Don't know them

#everytime i do one (1) protein treatment #and skip conditioner day #and its like woweee whodve thunk my hair is curly again #I MAY BE STUPID #literally. the lightest of weight products #NO CO WASH. CO WASH IS THE ENEMY #gentle shampoos and protein treatments and water based stylers ONLY #clarify 1x a week #that is IT #do not let the curlybloggers deceive you moisture treatment is NOT meant for my hair type #it is TOO fine #god. i wish i had thick hair like i did as a teen. when i was fuckin stupid straightening it everyday #Girl u didnt know how good u had it #hair vanity is my one concession to quote unquote girly impulses #and even then its like. cropped bob. i just want it to be SPRINGY and BIG #and never ever longer than my jaw #apologies to all the curly haired folks gor whom the cgm actually works #i am a biological freak of nature and my hair should not be counted #it no ones got me Ik curlsmith lightweight water based protein products got me

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

.

#just saw someone suggesting that ''everything being a disorder today'' stems from wanting a scientific explanation as to why theyre #different from everyone else and that desire itself stems at least partly from neoliberalism and individualism and wanting to be special #and buying into the facades of neoliberalism #and i get what theyre trying to say #but #my guy #your explanation was in context of things like chronic pain disorders and d/Deafness and autism and allergies #which most definitely do not stem from that. like i would still be autistic and still have chronic pain if i was not in a neoliberal society #neoliberal ideals are not the cause of my functional neurological disorder #neoliberalism isnt causing my peripheral nervous system to not work properly #i understand the argument youre trying to make and it definitely applies in some cases #but do not come into disabled spaces sprouting that shite #you know why i seeked a diagnosis for my chronic pain issues? because different chronic pain disorders can be treated differently #theres no point giving ne anti inflammatory meds for my fibromyalgia #and actually i do need the meds i take for my fnd because they reduce my nerve pain enough for me to function as a person #i didnt want a name for it so i could certify that i was an individual and not like everyone else #i wanted a name for it because i was in pain and i was suffering and i wanted medical treatment for it and i wanted an explanation as to why #i was in pain all the damn time

[orcelito]

So I was chatting with my fellow very mentally ill queer coworker friend about mental illness (as we do) and I mentioned how I was realizing that my wildly manic depressive response to grief wasn't... normal...

& they were like 'oh my god Yeah I've been suspecting you're bipolar for a While now' bc apparently I get in... modes... where my pupils are Huge and I'm talking a mile a minute and doing 4 things at once and even my Posture is different

And then I'll come in the next day like all the life's been sucked out of me.

& she mentioned there's type 1 and type 2, 1 being the longterm episodes & 2 being them alternating on a day to day basis. And I'm just like... damng... I sure do seem to have that 2 thing...

Apparently it's not normal to alternate between manic and depressive states! Who knew!

#speculation nation #ive like... always had this sorta thing. fatally hyperactive is how ive thought of it #those moods where im bouncing off the wall and super cheerful but DEFINITELY in a concerning mental state #apparently it's not exactly normal to be having a breakdown but laughing as you do it #no wonder no depression meds have worked for me. bc im not Just Depressed. #ive known for a while now that i dont have normal depression. i just dont. but sometimes im depressed #and then sometimes i write 70k words in 3 weeks!!!!!!!! #it makes sense but i kinda wish it didnt lol. as if autism and adhd wasnt enough. bipolar too??? really???? #im gonna do some research & see if it's smth worth looking into treatment for #mayhaps i could mention it whenever i set up my psychiatry appointment :p #i dont wanna b bipolar 😭 but then again identifying it will probably help with managing it #damng all i needed to figure out my manic depression wasnt normal was losing my uncle & the symptoms getting Much Worse #me wildly oscillating between too depressed to write and too manic to write (bc even though i was motivated i didnt have clarity of mind) #longest... sigh... imaginable... i have so many mental and physical problems and i have No idea where to start with them #...adhd first probably. if i can tackle my abysmal executive dysfunction then maybe the rest will be easier to address lol #negative/ #I Guess.

[agdab]

we should try talking about how neurodivergent people approach other neurodivergency that is different from theirs/has stronger symptoms and how they treat that but idk if most of y'all are prepared for that conversation

#work liveblog. #like. for example #ive lost friends over my autism and adhd symptoms #when they themselves were adhd/autistic #but mine was weirder or more offputting or kore frustrating to deal with #but i didnt really know i was being like that til it all boiled over #or they just shift their treatment of me as if i am behaving like that on purpose to them #ans they dont really stop to think like #hey. maybe they just dont realise it. maybe i should say smth #or maybe this is just An Aspect of them that i either need to accept or i need to think over our relationship bc of how i feel ab it #or something like that #literally. just talk. #dont be aggressive dont be like 'you keep doing x or y and its so annoying stop it or else' #just. tell me what im doing. and how it makes you feel. like in a calm way #anyways ive got gripes ab how ppl treat me bc of my symptoms and how they differ from theirs #i get talked down to a lot and it seriously grinds my gears #or they get super frustrated. like man i know youre frustrated but so am i i have to live like this forever you can just leave #and never deal w it ever again. i cant #anyways. i am tired i didnt rest well last night

[thetimelordbatgirl]

So far Chalice of The Gods and Wraith of The Triple Goddess has only told me one thing: Percy's probably wishing he gave Luke the W more and more.

#the fact that it wasnt even one letter of recommendation he needs for college #but THREE from THREE different gods #meaning he and his friends have to do three different quests #because apparently being a savior of olympus and also one of the seven that dealt with gaea #isnt enough for these fucks #no he has to do MORE quests for them #just to get into COLLEGE #like ignoring i hate rick putting percabeth into new rome #cause new rome fucking sucks and percy 'new york is my home' and annabeth 'wants to work across the world in archetecture' wouldnt wanna #live there #imagine thinking you can finally rest #but the gods throw you through MORE shit #like damn rick you keep making luke more and more valid #while showing the hopeful ending of last olympian was for nothing #since the gods didnt change at all with their treatment of their kids

[nyelaexe]

One thing I will always appreciate about my mom is that she never judged me for my hyperfixations through the years. She gave me room to love whatever I wanted to. She never made fun and she never thought I was weird. She always supported me and, in fact, she even enjoyed them with me.

She'd watch One Direction music videos with me when I was a teenager. She even took me to see the 1D movie in theaters on a school day and she saved her movie ticket. I hate that I wasn't able to find it when we cleaned out her apartment. I remember her crying at the party where Zayn bought his mom a house. To this day she would listen to History. She sent me a link to the mv in August and reminisced on the days when life was easier.

In my later teenage to young adult years she would watch kpop videos with me. We would watch BTS and Astro videos in her room. I remember after Jonghyun passed away I watched Before Our Spring for the first time with her because I was too sad to watch in on my own. She ended up really liking BTS and she'd call me into her room whenever they were on TV. I have videos of her in my phone dancing to Move by Taemin.

We'd even watch anime together. We watched about 7 or 8 episodes of Death Parade and she really liked it. I didn't think she really cared all that much but every now and again she would bring the show up and tell me how much she like it. I hate that we were never able to finish all 12 episodes.

I always thought she'd pretend to be interested in my hobbies to humor me. Whenever I would go to her room and pull up kpop on the TV or watch Sohyang performances with her I would apologize and tell her "I know you don't really care, we don't have to watch if you don't want to." And she would always tell me to stop saying stuff like that. She was so happy to just hang out with me. She was interested in the things I like because I liked them and they made me happy. My brother would make little jokes about my interests from the time I was like 9 years old and obsessed with Justin Bieber. I know they were just jokes but, being a little black kid, I always felt weird about the media I consumed. My mom never made me feel like I was doing anything wrong by liking what I liked. I was able to explore all kinds of stuff and I'm so grateful to her.

#i miss her so much it feels like theres somwthing weighing on my chest #im miserable without her. shes just constantly on my mind all day everyday #she left such a gaping hole in my life. i dont know how im supposed to exist without her #i know that someday it wont hurt as much and ill have more good days than bad #and in a strange way i dont want those days to come. i cant imagine a time where i wake up and she isnt the first thing on my mind #or the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep #she was only 53 and she was so lively. she lived with stage 4 cancer for more than 5 years. she fought so hard #every doctors appointment every failed treatment every cat scan every blown vein every round of chemo over 200 lbs lost #she thought the world of me. she was so proud of me and i can never understand why #i didnt graduate i never went to college i dont work i dont leave my house i lie in bed all day and let my anxiety totally consume me #i dont know what she had to be proud of. but someday i want to be that person she was so proud of.

[crypt1dcorv1dae]

My mom has always had a habit of unofficially "adopting" any wayward young people in her life, like if any of us (her kids) had friends who were in any way IN NEED OF PARENTING she would be like "anyone gonna give this child love and support?" And not wait for an answer.

She would probably do the same for my Internet Friends if they ever met her lol. Like fair warning to all friends if we ever meet IRL my mom WILL try to adopt you, be careful

#she sometimes does and says some.. off color things but she has brain cancer so we really cant hold her fully accountable.. #she tries her best tho like. she has been nothing but supportive of me being trans and stuff even tho she really doesnt get it #like she will still sometimes say she wishes i could just 'be happy how i am' and things like that #but its out of a genuine want for me to be *happy* not for me to simply be what she wants me to be. #like she really genuinely just wants me to be happy. she just wishes i didnt have to work so hard to get there #and again. brain cancer. also some rapid aging from radiation treatment for aforementioned brain cancer. so she says thints wrong somtimes #like she doesnt always know how to phrase things in a way that sounds right. or sometimes she doesnt realize what she said came off bad #but again we really cannot hold her to blame for something she physically cannot help... #before all this she really was learning a lot about it all and super supportive shes just ... confused now and forgets a lot

[starswallowingsea]

looking at the notes of that last poll was a mistake

#shay speaks #something something the concept of race is actually incredibly useless in these types of contexts because its way more complicated #than people would like to believe it is. and its going to be different depending on a lot of factors #including where someone lives and what types of prejudices are expressed there #ie someone can look white (like the saami people of northern europe) to an american but be treated as not white by the people in their hom #e countries. #also biological race isnt a thing and the perpetuation of it as a concept within medical and political spheres is actively perpetuating #racism and the enforcement of social race and to dismantle the race concept we still have a long way to go #anyway i think race as a concept is fucking bullshit so i wouldnt vote in that poll anyway (i didnt lmao bc its complicated) #is it something that affects people? absolutely racism is real and a systemic problem that is built on the race concept #and in order to get to the root of the problem we have to essentially eliminate that concept of race in the first place which is. a long lo #g way off and probably wont happen in our lifetimes but we can work towards that end goal #<- all of this is not even close to my entire thoughts on this but you cannot just say its an easy yes or no question #bc while i am white enough people wont think much of me until i mention being indigenous #and then the treatment entirely flips because now people have a whole bunch of other thoughts on my appearance

[puphoods]

people who work mornings at the places ive worked piss me offfff like idk about other workplaces but opening has it so fucking easy and they always bitch about the most minor things that get missed or forgotten bc closing is an insane task and some things get missed sometimes or we dont have time to finish everything when noone in the mornings does anything like i hate you...

#et cetera #my last place especially it made me furious to do a morning and theyre like ohhh closing didnt do anything theyre so lazy #when theyre standing around doing fuck #and irs people thatve never had to work the close in their lives bc dayshift get all the special treatment #so we have to do everything and then get shit dumped on us when 'everyone' is slacking #fuck you forever #anhway didnt wanna put this in tags of last post bc its not anything to dowith the post lollll

[timeisacephalopod]

Its real strange when Americans especially (meaning politicians, less citizens but them too sometimes) say socialism doesn't work because how the hell would you even know. Half the shit American politcians describe as socialism isn't socialism, and often they treat those things like the sky will fall if they're implemented (like healthcare. Ignore Canada right above you. Lie about how our system works by telling people you need to wait years to see Drs about life threatening issues when you only get waitlisted for specialists and not for years either, it's generally a few months. Not ideal but not what American politicians say either. Ignore every other country with universal healthcare better than Canada's, which is everyone's, because there's no need to even lie about those after making the country above you look bad for not charging 80K to look at a band-aid, which is somehow an improvement to waitlists like the poor won't just die instead of seeing a dr).

Not to mention the US has invaded so many countries with politics farther left then theirs just to install right wing terrorists and then get mad when some of those terrorists they straight up funded do a 9/11 to them like they have slaughtered thousands to "spread democracy" by overthrowing democratically elected leaders all over the world for being "too socialist" or communist so how do you know socialism doesn't work? If it doesn't it's because America specifically has never allowed it to, like you can't invade every single country that does things mildly different, completely destroy them, and then say "see socialism doesn't work!" like you had nothing to do with the collapse of that system???? It's literally the meme of Eric Andre shooting that guy and being like "how come socialism didn't work!" like they didn't just shoot socialism in the face in cold blood. And also capitalism doesn't need to work at all in any way, efficient or not, for everyone to defend it to the hilt so like ok who cares if socialism works if you don't care that capitalism doesn't and you defend it anyway? Clearly "works" isn't a prerequisite to using that system so that's not even an argument worth bringing up at that point.

#winters ramblings #every time i hear Americans say this but mostly politicians im like ok stop invading EVERYONE #and MAYBE socialism will work like it seems to JUST FINE in denmark!! granted its not a FULLY socialized system theyre still capitalist #obviously. but like you cant i avde everyone and their dog because you hate socialism destroy all their shit and blame SOCIALISM for it #like NO that was american military meddling not anything to do with ANY political system beyond americas like ??? #also if other countries have A Thing probably it isnt killing that country. like canadas healthcare DOES suck #its literally the WORST socialized healthcare system in the world like actually. so americans aremt wrong that our system sucks #but NOT FUCKING LIKE THEIRS at least we can GET cancer treatments here no meth cooking needed #our system sucks because not ENOUGH is covered not because NOTHING should be covered #and we should all be at the mercy of 6 healthcare amd insurance companies making money off people dying #still how the fuck can you say socialism does or doesnt do ANYTHING when no one knows what it looks like #in a TON of countries BECAUSE of american meddling they ignore when they shriek about Venezuela #MAYBE if america didnt FUCK EVERYONE AROUND socialism would be just as flawed as capitalism!! #which is allowed to be ALL KINDS OF FUCKED AND FLAWED and no one even CARES but socialism does A ; #*A Bad and suddenly we need to throw it the fuck out. capitalism can employ CHILD SWEAT SHOPS and thats fine #but socialism doesnt work 200% perfect 80 000% of the time and nope it doesnt work lets go back #to using LITERAL SLAVES from prisons thats not a problem worth invading a country about i guess!!

[daiseukiis]

hii how have you been?

i miss my family 🧍‍♀️

#my mom sent me a video about once your child leaves the mom also needs them #to like be there for them when their mom is stressed when their mom misses them #and i cried for a bit bc i argued with my mom a lot #we didnt see eye to eye but i really do think my mom still thinks of me as her little girl #bc despite not being as close i am to my mom compared to my dad i felt like i had so much burdens for being the eldest and girl #so sometimes i would get upset that my brother would get some special treatment from my mom #idk now i just rlly miss her cuz i miss actly waking up to have brekkie w her #i rlly missed cooking w her b4 i didnt like it bc i thought it was bothersome but now i miss it a lot and her cooking !!! #one of my roommates are husband and wife and i helped cut up the onions and garlic for her bc she started crying from the onions #and then i just completely rmbrd how many times my mom would ask me to help her cook and it makes me miss jmy family !! #i dont rlly get homesick often but i have been in a few arguments w my husband but its like those small quarrels where we're both #tired stressed n feeling defeated like there was no wrong but mentally tapped out #i feel hella lonely tbh ion have many friends outside from me talking to my roommates or my coworkers #and i go once a month to my friends thats an hour and half away but i never mind the travel bc their family treats me well #im supposed to go today but our plans got cancelled and since the travel is far i usually sleepover we were gonna watch a movie !! #we were gonna go watch the mario movie but i might go by myself w my teddy bear #or i'll ask my coworker maybe #but yeah other than that im just trying to survive xoxo im so tired #im also getting so much free cosmetics skincare and fragrances at work that i cant even use all of it #tha shit is displayed on my shelves just cuz #but so excited for my smau heheheheh #༊*·˚ koca has heard your wish #༊*·˚ a kiss of blessing #༊*·˚ a wish upon a goddess #༊*·˚ freddie <3

[einstetic]

don't mind me opening up in the tags

#aaaah i have a nurses appointment next wednesday #i don't want to go but i have cancelled the last two nurses appts and lowkey ignored or not reacted to the doctors messages #i have to go i guess #i just know that i should let them know how i am really doing #you know dealing with treatment fatigue a growing self dissatisfaction and being disappointment with myself #that paired with the hypo spells from the previous year where i have passed out has caused major concern among many #and they keep on checking in with me which would otherwise be fine but when they previously didnt care i now feel uncomfortable #i ruined the team day at work by passing out and requiring an ambulance #same goes for christmas #i have worried out people in thrift shops #major department stores #work in general #i hate it hate it hate #most nights i've been severely hypoglyceamic and woken up with massive headaches and brain fog #rather just wished i hadnt woken up at all #like i wouldnt do anything to myself you know but i am just too tired to care anymore if something would happen by accident #i will probably just end up saying that everything is fine and just normal :) #i mean yeah this is my normal so i am technically not lying hah #literally no one cares emma #yeah you can just skip this :D

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

being on this website right now is just like im being so brave by blacklisting the tags for a new movie thats very popular right now and not responding to any of the gifsets i still see of it with what is rightful criticism of it for being tone-deaf

#kai rambles #i just think that if the premise of you book/movie is that steeped in politics #you have to engage with them rather than kicking it under the rug and pushing it into another room #especially the queer history of both countries in relation to politics and one specific institution if it is a gay love story #and the political institutions in both countries are catalysts or components of the plot #if youre not going to actually engage with it and explore it in relation to your romance why is it even in your book? #its justa magnet on a fridge to make it look unique #and since its a gay romance its intrinsically linked to the politics you are not engaging with #gay marriage is not codified in law in america #and like maybe its being a queer brit who has spoken to people who arent terminally online baby gays #but i think its so fucking tone-deaf and honestly a little offensive to write a gay romance where one of them is a royal without #even mentioning princess fucking diana #you know the one who was post-humously honoured as a queer icon because of all the work she did surrounding aids #whete she famously held hands with an aids patient when most people didnt even want to go near them #where she set up trusts and charities and led campaigns to fund research into a treatment #where the queen didnt fucking support her and suggested she choose ''something more pleasant'' #she is a queer icon in britain and the royal family treated her like fucking shit and probably had her killed #like i get that the author is american and might not know about it butidk casey you could do some fucking research #i honestly think its disgusting to write a queer story about a british royal without even mentioning her and the impact she had