#what you’re worth just gets me

[whereismyhat5678]

I'M SORRY BUT THE BRAZIL DRAWING MADE ME THINK THAT WOULD BE ONE HELL OF A STUDIO GHIBLI STORY-

Just this bat gal who's lonely randomly finds a human gal trying to find her family heirloom (her hat) so the two try make friends and go on vacation where they both meet two few strange fellows (cough cough ijusthavefun and i) and the group have small adventures while trying to find the human girls family heirloom-

Had to do something for this 🥹

Y’ALL GONNA HELP ME FIND MY HAT THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! 😭💗😭💗😭💗

(Seriously you guys are everything 💗💗💗💗 Wanna show some appreciation and also cuz- YOUR SONA’S ARE SO FUN TO DRAW 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥)

Come ere’ guys!

@moon9931 @noodletime @ijusthavefun

ALSO CUZ GENUINELY THAT AS A GHIBLI MOVIE????? AAAGGGGH THAT’S SO CUUUTE!!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

#Y’KNOW WHAT? Mine as well post it now I’m happy with it <x]] #IT’S NOODLE :00 #MAN this took me all day but it was worth it 💪💪 #Saturdays are slow but couldn’t skip this one 💗💗 #ALSO look at y’all I swear your sona’s are so huggable I want to just- #*GRABS YOU THROW SCREEN* #AAAHH love this ask since it makes me think you’re hyping me up to get my heirloom back <:] #Request(?) #Ask(?)

[deityofhearts]

I honestly just don’t get how people default to thinking southern accents are like unserious and unintelligent, I know I live in a bubble and I’ve never been outside of the south so like my world view is skewed but like idk I can’t like conceptualize hearing someone’s accent and going “your accent is too stupid and silly for you to have a brain” like ???

#deity dialogue #sorry I’m rlly half asleep #obvs my worldview is different cause I’m southern I’m surrounded by southern ppl I hear the accent all the time #so it’s like normal obvs but idk it still baffles me #idk if I ever go north are y’all gonna be mean to me cause I talk in a way that y’all perceive as stupid and lesser than how you do?? #I’ve already mentioned that even here we aren’t safe from the ‘haha youre a dumbass southern hick’ statements #which is rich cause like bitch who are you to be talking you live here too I don’t wanna hear you call me a red neck cause you’ve been here #for a long ass time to and I’m sure if you went up north they’d be on your ass the same way they’d be on mine #like what gives you the right? #like I will say also that I do make fun of the accent but in the way that lexi and I will be heatedly talking and get more southern with #each word and that amuses and delights us like idk it’s fun to look at someone who just said one word in a more extreme southern accent on #accident and repeat it back to them #but like at the end of the day we like being southern we don’t think there’s anything wrong with it or like inherently worth mocking #plus there’s a difference between two friends being silly and strangers telling you you’re a stupid redneck hick :) #this is also coming from someone who compared to other southern ppl doesn’t have the most strong southern accent (it’s there onvs but ya #know) and I still have to deal with this shit :/ #sorry I need to go to bed and shut up no one caressss

[adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy]

home from work

#if I speak… #one of the girls walked out yesterday #the best worker we have is on the verge of blowing up on this bitch’s leaders bc since he can do everything quick and efficiently already #they’re putting 3 to 4 ppl’s workloads on him to see how far they can extend his worth and then they’re over his shoulder the whole time #micromanaging him so today he almost lost it and was literally walking around mumbling about his disrespectful they all are (facts) #and how if they don’t think he’s doing it right then they can do it and I know for a fact one of the ladies heard him #bc he wasn’t even trying to hide it at this point and like this dude is cool he has a lot of patience and helps out any way he can #so if HE’S on the brink of snapping then the rest of us don’t stand a chance LMFAO #anyways today was a fucking mess those leaders know nothing about our store yet so they have us making less than what we need until we need #it so we get behind constantly and they made prep a disaster bc again they think they can just prep a bunch of stuff in the morning #and it’ll last the whole day and yes that works in theory but the reality of the situation is every day is different and today #we sold double what we did yesterday so they had to move me to prep to fix their mistakes bc we were running out of stuff 4 hours in lmfao #and I’m the only one left who knows how to do everything on prep bc the other girls had never done it before #we’re supposed to prep 20 mac n cheese trays in the morning for the whole day #we open lunch at 10:30 tell me why I go into the cooler at 12 put more in the oven and there’s only 5 left #it’s been less than 2 HOURS and you’re already running out of macs which means those idiots prepped barely anything just to try and save mo #*money to cut down waste but that gag if you’re losing money bc now you’re short on everything and customers are leaving bc they’re having #to wait a long time for their food #and macs take 40 minutes to cool LMFAO #I get over there they’re out of parfaits they’re out of fruit cups they’re out of kale salads the front is coming in and having to take #stuff as I make it bc they keep getting orders and it’s all just a fucking mess #I have to make a custom wrap and what happens?? those morons didn’t pull the flatbreads out of the freezer like they’re supposed to every #night so now we have no flatbread and I had to run back there and put them in the warming drawer to defrost and we lost an order bc I had #nothing to make the wraps with <3 #I go back there to get more cold chicken SPOILER ALERT they didn’t have anyone make any this morning so now there’s no chicken for the wrap #and salad and it has to be grilled and then chilled for 2 FUCKING HOURS before it can be used #they’re a fucking disaster like 😭 #was the store perfect before?? ofc not but it ran quickly and efficiently as it should and now it’s literally just a mess #this bitch hasn’t even owned it for a full week yet and has already fucked it all up #womp womp!!!!!!

[goldensunset]

see it’s not that i hate when people criticize media that i like. i LOVE criticizing my media i do it constantly. it is in itself a manifestation of my love for the media. my problem is simply that i hate seeing criticism immediately after having first finished the media and therefore while still being in supreme hype mode. when i first get done with something i’m too busy reeling from how amazing it was to be willing to tolerate any negativity at all because i’m just absolutely over the moon with excitement at that moment and i don’t want it to be ruined for me even if i’m already subconsciously aware of certain flaws. once a few months have passed and my brain has settled down i can absolutely palate negative critical analysis. so when i say i don’t like haters i just mean it’s unfortunate when other people’s hyped up thought suspension mode doesn’t last as long as mine. like can you wait at least a few days after the thing drops before complaining using the main tags please

#like i’ve blocked people not because i think they’re bad people or objectively wrong #but because i didn’t wanna see it! simply did not want to see it at that moment. i was curating my experience #then i later unblocked them for what it was worth #see if it’s something i’m several months or years late to then yeah that’s fair #if it’s brand new then like. c’mon man you’re ranting already? can you not enjoy it quietly for half a second #peach rambles #i am also just a very hype mode optimistic interpretation lens kinda person #i am always giving media the benefit of the doubt even when i am criticizing it #so that’s just another personality difference between me and some people that makes me not get along with them very well

[palms-upturned]

Always feels weird when ppl are sort of playfully like “sorry your body is giving you a hard time” or smth to that effect. Ik it’s never meant badly and other ppl probably do appreciate that kind of sentiment but for me it always feels sort of weird bc of how much I’ve had to hammer into my head that my body and I are not separate entities and it isn’t doing these things to spite me. My body and I are going through these things together. It’s doing its best to survive. When I first got sick I was really angry with my body and felt hurt and betrayed by it and sort of slowly had to learn to look at it with the same kindness and sympathy that I want to be treated with, since it is me. And also I don’t really like the idea of other people seeing my body that way. My body is me, be kind and understanding to it.

#meg talks #body tag #like… don’t be sorry for me #just be WITH me u know #help me figure out how to stay in ur life and make our time together more comfortable #my body isn’t my enemy it’s not separable from the rest of me and does not have a mind or will of its own #it is me and i am it and it doesn’t define my worth as a person but it’s still like. me #idk it just sort of makes me feel weirdly insecure when ppl are like sorry about your crappy body #when what they really mean to say is ‘’sorry you’re suffering’’ #it’s not all my body’s fault u know!!!!! it just is what it us #when u call my body burdensome ur calling all of me burdensome bc my body is Me #if u really love me then come meet me where im at rather than lament abt how i can’t get to where u are

[monkee-mobile]

will never get over that at some point the monkees decided that they could just ask each other for platonic kisses and it’s become so commonplace that micky just assumes Davy is asking him for a kiss when they’re talking about the band kiss.

and this was written by michael fucking nesmith.

#the monkees #mike nesmith #peter tork #davy jones #micky dolenz #the monkees 90s special #the special is so weirdly structured and tricky to understand at first glance and i have SO MANY qualms about micky’s hair #but it’s worth it for #monkees four way platonic marriage written by our own michael nesmith #the monkees single handledly ended homophobia in their world #it’s the ‘no thanks’ because the monkees say consent rules and the ‘no but davy wants one’ for me #because they just all give each other platonic kisses??? is that what you’re telling me mr. nesmith?? #at some point davy stopped looking for girls and just does the dishes in his little housewife apron and gets all bitchy and uptight #idk they’re domestic and i love it #don’t even get me started on later in the special when micky tries to cover up the kiss thing with something about ‘kisses are bad’ #like no bb get over your internalized homophobia yes you’re on air but you’re free now #mike you’re not a good tv writer but that’s okay babe

[itspileofgoodthings]

I talk a lot about teaching and all the good parts of it and the powerful parts of it and it’s all true and also there is something so deeply messy and ugly and raw and painful about the real life exchange of it all and how much I just put myself on the line to communicate a truth and how little I get given back in any tangible or metaphysical way.

#wrong use of the word metaphysical but I can’t think of the right one so it will just have to do #if I had certainty that it was doing good then I would take any lack of recompense #but you don’t get certainty. that’s just part of the deal #you just get ingratitude and flatness and boredom and also the knowledge that you’re stupid if you expected any different! #yes yes all the good stuff i say is real #but this part of it is real too! I am really struggling with it at the moment #I wish there was a way to wrangle my expectations and get them in order #and just take what I get as par for the course #because it literally is #I also wish there was a way for me to be more professional in my actual profession #And I am not unprofessional #but I guess every time I’m going to want to put it all on the line even for the smallest chance of changing someone’s mind or heart #but like. Truly sometimes it’s just like—-but i don’t know that it’s wise or worth it to do it #Or if it’s doing any good at all #like truly I don’t mean it in a whiny way #Well a little bit lol #But I also just mean: who knows? Who can say for sure? Not me. #there’s not any guarantee. And also I’m sure some of the methods I use could use work. I’m sure in the grand scheme of things I don’t know #what I’m doing!! anyway I’m so so sad #and it has been a hard week! #it will pass. as will the feeling I’m sure #thanks for listening #teaching tag

[odetolovers]

having conversations with my girlfriend about if we’ll adopt or have a bio baby…my heart is healing. i’ll never get over how lucky i feel to have found my soulmate in my early twenties. i love that we get to grow together, we already have so much. Exploding

#i didn’t even think i wanted marriage or kids before i met her. then i did meet her and i fell in love and i realised that oh actually! #my childhood doesn’t have to even remotely resemble my future child’s #all love is not pain and abuse like what i grew up with #everyday that she loves me she heals a heart she didn’t break fr fr #relationships and love is not easy but when you’re with the right person it is beyond worth it. i do believe i’d face anything about myself #& do anything necessary to be with her. our relationship has forced me to care about myself not just us not just her #i’ve never been one to give people peace but damn i’ll give her peace or die trying #sappy on main 2nite….life and relationships are getting Real and if i can love her this much while so depressed god knows how much i’ll be #able to love her when im not. good lord #my lover

[e-m-p-error]

MULTIMUSE QUESTIONAIRE

Tagging: @infernalight, @infernal-feminae, @heartsofhell, @questionablemuses, @because-i-simp, @frostworkxfiction, @deepspacevivarium, @hotelbitches, @voxiiferous

RULES: Answer the questions with the Muses that would best fit the answers. Bonus if you give details why. If tagged, copy and paste into a new post – DO NOT REBLOG!

1) Rank your softest Muse and your toughest Muse. (Personality-wise)

My softest muse is definitely Vick. He's a 0 on the toughness scale, he's a big teddy bear and he will choose kindness over anything else at any point.

My toughest muse is probably Barbie. Girl is tough as nails and will not be stopped if she puts her mind to something. She doesn't take pain as a reason to stop and will go harder when it hurts.

2) Which Muse would blow through $1000 quickly?

Valentino, hands down. He spends $1,000 every day easily on things he doesn't even need. He loves to buy expensive things and will do so at all hours. He especially loves spending Vox's money. $1,000 is a drop in the bucket for him and he doesn't even notice spending it.

3) Do any of them have nicknames? Is there a meaning behind them?

Quite a few of them do!

Valentino answers to Bunny from his lovers, it's a subspace trigger word for him. I assigned him Bunny because he's Cute And Horny, aka a rabbit, and a bunny sub is fairly common.

4) Are any of them up-to-speed on the latest trends? Anyone more old school?

Velvette, Vox, and Valentino are obsessed with always being on top of the next new thing.

Alastor hates new things and will fight them as much as he can.

5) Who has the best relationship with their siblings?

Valentino had a fairly good relationship with his siblings when he was alive. He had seven of them, plus three live-in cousins that were like his siblings.

6) Karaoke night! Who is likely to grab the mic first and bust out a tune?

Beelzebub, Ozzie, Valentino, and Ostello! They all love to sing and party, and they're all pretty good at it. Ostello was a pop-jazz singer when he was alive and before he died in Hell, too!

7) Who is least likely to enter a beauty pageant/model?

Gretchen. She doesn't think that she's very pretty, and would just feel embarrassed even going to watch.

Travis. He is constantly told he's very ugly, and he doesn't have a very high opinion of his looks.

8) If your Muses visited a haunted house where actors scare you, who would panic and who would be unfazed? 

Chazz, Gretchen, Charlie, Anya, Magpie, Summer, Travis, and Vick would be the easiest to scare!

Valore, Dimas, Cash, Glitz, Stu, Paimon, Alastor, Darío, Niffty, and Vox would be the hardest to phase.

9) Are any of your Muses particular about taking certain modes of transportation?

Vox prefers to be driven around and doesn't like driving himself.

Valentino only likes to drive occasionally and prefers pretty sports cars when he does.

Anya and Darío are motorcycle people.

Emily enjoys bicycles!

10) Share a little-known fact about any Muse.

Adam is actually a very good father and he loves kids and babies. He is very tender with children even if he can be harder on them once they have grown into adults.

#HEADCANONS ➽➽➽ #Reciting Violence Like Poetry (α∂αм) #I’ve Found A Rainbow A Rainbow Baby Trust Me I Know Life Is Scary (ємιℓу) #I’m Standing In The Face Of All That My Story Holds In Its Wake (ναℓσяє) #What We Loved Today We’ll Lose Tomorrow But I Won’t Need To Wait For My Share Of Sorrow Because I Always Kill The Things I Love (∂ιмαѕ) #Who Needs Pepsi Juice Or Sprite? If You Do You’re Weak That’s Right (вαявιє) #I’m Gonna Take Their Hearts For Ransom ‘Cause Everybody’s Always Askin’ When You Gonna Show Us Magnum? (¢нαzz) #Money Can’t Buy Happiness But It Can Rent You Paradise (gℓιтz) #We Put Her Down In A Shallow Grave She Wears A Dress Like A Body Bag Everyday (gяєт¢нєи) #Everyone’s A Winner We’re Makin’ Our Fame Bona Fide Hustler Making My Name (ѕтυ) #Try Not To Move So Fast You Know Dessert Comes Last! (вєєℓzєвυв) #You Can Fool Yourself I Promise It Will Help Every Single Day I Just Wanna Hear You Say I’m So Lucky Lucky I’m So Lovely Lovely (¢нαяℓιє) #Define Your Meaning Of War To Me It’s What We Do When We’re Bored (ραιмσи) #If You End Up On My Table Then It Serves You Right (αℓαѕтσя) #Know I’m All Bite No Bark Like To Catch You Way Off Guard (αиуα) #Take Just One Last Dare Pretend That You Don’t Care (ℓєgισи∂αяισ) #Your Magic White Rabbit Your White Room Straight Jacket (мαgριє) #He Ran Into My Knife He Ran Into My Knife Ten Times (иιfту) #I Love You Oh So Madly But I Don’t Stand A Ghost Of A Chance With You (σѕтєℓℓσ) #Come Come Kitty Kitty You’re So Silly Silly Don’t Go Kitty Kitty Play With Me (ѕυммєя) #Don’t Be Goofy Bring Some Passion To The Table (тяανιѕ) #And If You Get In My Face Then You’ll Get A Taste Even God Would Run Son (ναℓєитιиσ) #Hollywood Made A Killing Machine She’s Like A Teenage Slaughter Movie Scene A Serial Killer Celebrity (νєℓνєттє) #Red Eyes In The Digital Paradise (νι¢к) #Let’s Stop Saying “Don’t Quote Me” Because If No One Quotes You You Probably Haven’t Said A Thing Worth Saying (νσχ)

[pastel-rights]

And then I finally end it off with some doodles of them… they make me feel things.

#ringmaster doodles #sona art #( they’re very much the theme of. love in the face of the neverending march of time. ) #( being immortal and knowing you will outlive the man you love because someone else deemed he unworthy of eternal life. ) #( he may still have tens of thousands of years left. sure. but you know that those will go by and he’ll disappear in the blink of an eye. ) #( and you’ll sit there on his death bed. wondering why did things end up like this? ) #( wondering what you did wrong. and if you could have done something different. you’ll always ask yourself. ) #( if he lives a life of happiness and comfort or did he live a life as gruesome and miserable as the wars on earth? but you won’t know. ) #( and the more you think about it. the more you realize it. how nihilistic he was. and how he never seemed to smile even in the good times. #he always seemed to have a frown or a scowl on his face. he always seems bothered and unhappy. ) #( so you wonder if it was something you did. because you know you aren’t perfect. you’re hardly good. ) #( you wonder if he’s mad at you. maybe he was. but he doesn’t have the heart to stay mad. ) #( and that’s love in the face of adversity. knowing that no matter how bad it gets. he loves you as you love him. ) #( and you wonder why he never smiles. because he truly never does. and so you ask him. honest and true. ) #( and he tells you there isn’t anything worth smiling for. nothing in this whole world. ) #( but he smiles at you. it’s always small. and it’s always brief. ) #( but that smile. that smile means love. ) #( that hug. as flimsy as it may be. that hug means love. ) #( of course. he isn’t affectionate. if anything. he detests it. he hates physical contact of any kind. you’ve noticed. ) #( which is a shame. you love your hugs and your kisses and your hand holding. ) #( but even if he doesn’t like it. he lets you do it. because it makes you happy. ) #( and you learn that when you’re happy. he’s a little less miserable. ) #( of course. not all love is equal. and not all love is fair. ) #( the love from a lover and the love from the father can never equate to one another. ) #( no one will love you in the same way a father or mother loves you. in the same manner. no one will ever love you the way I do. ) #( because my love will remain with you. long after I disappear. ) #( and as bitter as the idea of my own existence coming to an end is. knowing I did all of this for. essentially nothing. ) #( that I’ve gone through all this pain and suffering and hardship just for it to all amount to nothing. for it to be fucking useless to try. #I get to die knowing that you’ll always love and be loved. and that’s enough for me… ) #( … maybe there is something worth smiling for after all. )

[miss-morland]

my main goal is for everyone to like me is that wrong

#these tags are just me doing dbt for several paragraphs’ worth of text #so. proceed with caution -> #not really everyone. but as many people as possible #i finally feel like i’m starting to fit in with my partner’s friend group and i feel really good about it but now i’m second guessing that #like is this a normal level of ‘hooray new friends’ or is it like ‘ah yes i’ve been accepted. i’m getting a good grade in Personality’ #which is great! considering the disorder #as i was typing that i thought about what my therapist would say. and she’d say that external validation is somethig everyone needs sometime #it just ideally shouldn’t be your only source of motivation #but it’s ok to want it and be happy to receive it #verdict: not unhealthy #and! it is also normal and healthy and good to be excited about new friends! #double and. i think a little preening and trying to people please isn’t necessarily a bad thing when you’re new to the group #make them glad you’ve joined yknow? #i’m ingratiating myself #plus i gotta make up for killing the vibe at game night by being to mtgpilled 💀 #ok problem solved! #personal #dbt

[autoneurotic]

called out at work as an astarion girlie

#how did he know. he just guessed. #i’m nothing if not painfully obvious i guess #it’s just like. he’s just like me for real #covering your trauma w flirtatious flippancy is sooooo. me #just assuming you get through life by grinning and bearing it ! when you could be happy instead ! #‘the worst thing isn’t that he (cazador) did it it’s that he did it to ME’ #AAHHHHH ASTARION I LOVE YOU #the few times he’s mentions his past and seducing ppl for cazador makes me insane #like he sounds so pained the whole time but tries so hard to play it off #like well it was over quick enough anyway ! #and then u find that blood lady in moonrise who wants him to bite her #and if you say fuck off dude he’s his own Man #ar camp later he’s like. almost surprised that you said that!! and was even like talking you and him into it after the fact #like it would have been worth what she was offering whats one more time ha ha 🥲 #OR (im sorry i can’t stop) when you find the drow twins and they’re like we could all fuck ? #he says oooo my love im not sure im ready for that again. #and he sounds NERVOUS. and APOLOGETIC. like IM going to be upset?! #and you can say that pretty much and he’s like i hate it when you’re nice ew……..thank you <3 #MY POOR BOY. my GOD. ohhhhh. #i gotta go lie down i thought about astarion too hard it gave me brain damage

[rainswept]

me when the crane wives me when navia me when the crane wives and navia me when me when me when me

#know how. not the ghost. THE HAND THAT FEEDS. safe ship harbored. #UGHHHHHHHHHHH #“I GOTTA WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THE WORDS MY HEART IS TELLING ME I’VE BEEN TRYING TO DROWN IT OUT #JUST BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I AM I AM SUPPOSED TO DO NOW DOESN’T MEAN THAT I KNOW HOW” #“IF ONLY I COULD BREAK THE CHAIN OF DISAPPOINTMENTS WEIGHING ME DOWN #SHAKE OFF THE GHOSTS THAT WHISPER WARNINGS WHENEVER YOU’RE NOT AROUND (YOU’RE NOT AROUND) #I WON’T BE AFRAID OF ALL THE THINGS I WANTED #IT’S THE FEAR AND NOT THE GHOST THAT LEAVES ME HAUNTED” #”MY PAPA TAUGHT ME HOW TO HOWL HOW TO BEAR MY TEETH AND GROWL #HE TAUGHT ME THAT THE HAND THAT FEEDS DESERVES TO BE BITTEN WHEN IT BEATS #HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO BREAK MY CHAINS AND THAT MONEY AIN’T WORTH A THING #AND THAT NO MAN SHOULD GET MORE OF MY TIME THAN ME THAN MEEEEE #I MAY NEVER BE A RICH MAN BUT I CAN MAKE SURE THAT I AM FREE #I MAY NEVER NEVER BE A RICH MAN BUT THE RICH MAN WILL NEVER HAVE ME NEVER HAVE MEEEEEE

[frienderbender]

It's always been just him and me together

So I bet all I have on that furrowed brow

And at least in this lifetime

We're sticking together

#my art tag #nikki tag (mtl oc) #metalocalypse oc #metalocalypse #rikki kixx #idk thinking about the arc of canon compliant rikki/nikki #thinking about just like. their relationship over time. how things change and stay the same #bc it’s like. sticking together bc they’ve been together so long and there’s no one else they love and trust more than each other #you’re the one i chose and will stand by you no matter what. we’re in this together and we always will be #but then it’s like. rikki changes so much. and how do you stand by the person you chose if you can’t even recognize them anymore #but at the same time it’s like. that’s just it. they WILL stick by each other because they still love each other. #they will never stop loving each other. #i just like writing very layered relationships that ultimately are just two people so ridiculously in love #and looking at the lengths they’re willing to go to and how things end up #and i hope i’ve written even a somewhat compelling relationship between them/written an interesting character in nikki #because like. this isn’t even getting to the whole other celebrity aspect of them which plays a HUGE part in all this #(also worth noting more stuff will get explored in KfaD) (and you can just ask me stuff whenever) #THERE’S LAYERS TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP! they have so much lore i feel like i haven’t done it justice on here #there’s so much stuff in my head/notes/etc….. #also i just want to make it abundantly clear that is still a GOOD WORKING RELATIONSHIP at the end of the day. #they are still legitimately good for each other. they just have a some of their own personal issues that they need to work through #with or without the other person.

[cannot-copia]

just applied for the job i had during college and honestly it feels bad man

everyone I know is actually accomplishing things with their life, buying property, getting promotions, getting their masters etc

fuck, even my cousin who is several years younger than me and has very little to no college (aka doesn’t have student loan debt) just got a management position at a fortune 100 company and is now making more than 60k

And where am I now?

Couldn’t do my job at the big company I was supposed to work at, where I had insurance and got paid enough to actually pay for things

all I do now is feeding horses and basically just putting them in different places 4 hours a day 6 days a week for less than what I made ever since I started working and living off that and what’s left of what I had accumulated in my 401k at my old job (that im gonna have to pay thousands of taxes on for taking it out too early im sure) and therefore fucking myself over for the future- everyone always says start young well I did and I’m too fucking useless to function without wanting to remove my skin apparently so I fucked that up

And yeah it was just an online application so I don’t know how likely it is they’ll even respond and hire me again but I feel like I am going backwards

I did what everybody always insisted I had to do

i went to college

i got a “real” (office) job

i got more than 25k student loan debt I have not been able to make even a dent in

and what do i have to show for it? even worse mental illness? A piece of paper that said i went to college? Crippling fear of answering a phone? an extreme hate for the way I look now?

and now im (at least attempting) to go back to where I was before all that bc that’s the only place i can think of will hire me, to a job I did not enjoy whatsoever, where I am going to have to explain to the high schoolers that would be working closing shift that I will have to do after the morning job like yeah i left here 3 years ago for a competitive job that paid twice as much at one of the (apparently voted) best employers in the city that everyone wants to work for but I threw it all away bc im a useless fucking idiot and now I’m back here working fast food watching all these people who will go to school and get the jobs they want and not fuck it up and actually be successful and move on with their lives

it just,,, it doesn’t feel good

i feel like I’ll never get anywhere so what’s even the point

#and I know you’re probably thinking oh well you have horses you must have plenty of money etc #thing is i work at the place i keep them i do not pay regular price or I would not afford them at all #I’ve only ended up with as many as i have bc at my old #job i made just enough to not be negative every month #and now I can’t get rid of them because I am afraid to talk to people and ended up very attached to one we got with the intention to sell #after a few months #and the other we have had for 10 years now but she would need to be consigned somewhere to get what she’s worth #which requires /talking to people/ #so while I previously could just about afford them I can’t now unless something majorly changes #once i run out of what’s left of my 401k i will not have the money to pay for them #yes i know buying ghost tickets with that was an idiotic thing to do but it temporarily made me happy #which is also another reason i want to try to avoid getting rid of the horses if at all possible #sounds stupid but at this point without them there would really be no point in being here #they’re the only reason I talk to anybody at all these days and they are capable of making me happy #im sorry i feel like i have been complaining on here a lot more frequently lately and i don’t think anybody wants to see shit like this on #their dash but i don’t really have anywhere else to say things #anybody irl always just says ‘well other people did x/it was your decision to y/etc #the shitty insurance I have now does not cover anxiety/depression things I have not been taking any and I have a feeling it is not helping #delete later

[munamania]

just want you to know you guys would be obsessed with my professor if you could meet him btw

#he’s shorter than me… btw if that means anything to you #and he’s genuinely just like so good at what he does. he is soooo solid one could say. yeah ok freak. anyway #it’s just so cool he’s so weird but SO fucking experienced and capable at what he does it’s amazing #he makes thursday night class feel worth it #if you were to compliment him though he’d probably just mumble to himself make a little self effacing joke and quickly move on to smth else #and then he’d show you how to set up really cool shit for lights and cameras and you’re in this dark room with everyone and he’s just over #there like yeah that’s right good job etc i’m getting carried away but i’m TRYING to set the scene for you here #or if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing he’s not even a little weird about it #you can tell he just enjoys what he does and is excited to share it #and. once again. it’s REALLY cool #girl who thinks abt things and professors and the like a normal about #amount*