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christinaroseandrews · 3 years

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Marketing Matters - Strategy - Fanfiction

Strategy - Fanfiction

So this is a bit of a taboo subject in the publishing world, but I’m going to be upfront with you all.

We write fanfiction.

There, I said it.

Writing fanfic is also a viable marketing strategy for authors who are choosing to go the self-publishing route and not always for the reasons that immediately spring to mind. In addition, the skills, fanbase, and tricks learned while writing fanfic can also apply to traditional publishing. However, I’m going to give you one caveat right up front: many big name publishers don’t like authors who write fic. Or at least they say they don’t. It’s becoming more common, but most publishers and agents want authors to be focusing on original fic not fanfic. Several smaller presses don’t care as much, so long as your author persona and your fic persona are very separate and you don’t rub it in their faces. But the big name publishers may require you to pull your fanworks. So that’s something to keep in mind.

So now it’s time to break it down.

About Us and What we’ve done:

We’re probably best known as fanfic writers in the Hunger Games fandom, where we have a few well regarded fics. We’ve also dipped our toes into other fandoms including the MCU, Harry Potter, DBZ, and more drive-by one-shots in various fandoms than you can shake a stick at.

We also both were/are a part of the Sims 2 writing community and had a few well known stories there as well. ^__^ We may or may not have met in this fandom. LOL

Both of us have been part of these fandoms for years and were active members in them. Lark started in fanfic back in 1994/5 as a beta reader (which she then parlayed that experience into becoming an editor that summer). While Rose discovered fic in college in 2002. In these fandom communities, we met people that we now call friends in real life as well as mentors, betas, advisers, and cheerleaders. We learned skills that apply both to fic and to original writing. And, most importantly, we learned how to listen to our audience.

Let me stress that again: we learned to listen to our audience.

When we transitioned, we hit up the people we met in these fandoms to help us with various aspects of publishing life (either paying or trading favors for work done) and we’ve also given status updates about our original writing, along with links to our author tumblr in the authors’ notes of our fics. Nothing that will violate the terms of Ao3′s Terms of use - but links to our professional website/social media.

While we write fanfic less, we still dip our fingers in now and again.

Cost:

Time.

Straight up time.

The cost of writing fic is time, energy, and creativity. Time spent writing fic is time NOT spent writing original works that can be published. Time that is not spent editing or plotting or doing other sweat equity types of marketing. Which is why some authors refuse to write fic once they turn professional and it is completely understandable. Fanfic authors don’t get paid for their work and for some, getting paid is a big deal. Especially when most of your income comes from writing.

It’s a cost we willingly pay sometimes, but if a fanfic author you know also writes original works for publications. It does mean that updates may be slower and there is often less motivation to keep publishing stories -- especially if the stories don’t get much in the way of response/feedback.

It’s about return on investment.

Return on Investment:

I’m going to do this a little differently since sometimes the return isn’t monetary. This is also likely to sound really clinical and analytical; that’s because I’m trying to be objective and I may be going too far the other way. We write fanfic because we love it, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t give back to us too.

Monetary (Language of Flowers only):

Units sold: 20

Mailing list subscribers: 6

Social media followers: Twitter - 15, Tumblr - 60, Facebook - 8

Not Monetary but Cost Saving

Editors - 9

Cover Designers - 3

Mailing List Trades - 3

Skills Learned:

Editing (Line, Content, Story Doctoring -- Yes, all of these)

Proofreading (not the same as editing)

Creating Characters

Keeping Characters in Character

Plotting

Engaging an audience

Finishing what you start

How to handle ConCrit

How to handle Trolls

How to write to an audience

How to prevent plot holes

As you can see, the biggest return on investment of the time is in the skills section. Fanfiction is not to be taken lightly.

And as for me, Lark, I literally parlayed my experience working in fandom to actual paying jobs as an editor. I honed my skills as an editor on fanfic which I then turned around and used to get a job editing professionally. I did that multiple times for a bunch of different publishers/clients. I got my start in fanfic.

As an editor, one of the biggest problems I see with developing authors is a “sameness” in voice. AKA all of the characters sound the same. If you want to see this in traditionally published book action, then look at Laurel K. Hamilton... Her Merry Gentry and Anita Blake heroines sound almost exactly the same. (Which not coincidentally, sounds like how she speaks in real life.)

With fanfiction, you can’t do that. You’ll get called out for being OOC. So you have to learn to adapt your voice. (Or only write characters that sound like you but that gets boring after a while.)

So in my actual job as an editor, one I get paid to do, I legitimately tell my clients to pick a character from a show they like and use them as a template for a character they’re having trouble giving a good character voice to. And unsurprisingly, it works. It’s a good trick and it subconsciously teaches your brain how to create different characters/voices.

They other HUGE takeaway from the skills is in regards to concrit and being able to take it. If you want to publish for a living and not just half-ass it, you have to develop a thick-ish skin. And fanfiction can help with that. I straight up learned to deal with harsh reviews from writing fanfiction. But more importantly, I learned how to listen to what the person was telling me and then become a better author because of it.

In fanfiction, unlike in the publishing world, the reviews are meant for the authors... not potential readers. If someone really hates your work, or worse, is apathetic to it. They just won’t comment. They’ll hit the backspace and you’ll never hear anything. Most comments, especially critical ones, are from people who legitimately like the story that you’re telling but have a problem with part of it. The comment may be harsh, it may even be mean. But it tells you something and it gives you an idea where you may be turning off readers. People aren’t always good at phrasing criticism constructively. We’re not really trained how to do that. But when someone tells you why something isn’t working for them or why they didn’t like something, listen. You don’t have to agree -- we certainly haven’t -- but listening and thinking critically about the feedback will help.

This can be seen in our first novel, The Language of Flowers, which started out its life as a fanfic. The story pissed several readers off. And we realized as we were writing it that we needed to explain something and we weren’t doing a good job of doing so. So the scene that every single one of our readers loved was born of that concrit. Our story is better and reached the top 100 in its categories on Amazon because of the feedback we got as fanfic authors.

Seriously, writing fanfic has gotten us to where we are today.

Takeaways:

My biggest take away is that writing fanfic is a great skills builder and audience builder.

Pros:

Skills. Oh so many skills. But the biggest is that you will be writing and no writing is ever wasted. It’s practice. Like an artist has to sketch or a musician practice. You’re honing and toning your writing muscles. And fanfic is absolutely valid for doing that.

Cons:

Time. Straight up Time.

Rating:

It’s been so long since I’ve done one of these that I don’t remember. But honestly, the rating varies. You get out of fanfic what you put in and what you’re willing to take from it.

(Note: This has been sitting in our drafts for about 4 years. I finally finished it up because I was bored and waiting to go to a doctor and didn’t feel like doing nothing.)

If you like our marketing posts, please consider supporting us here!

#marketing matters #fanfiction #writing advice #on writing #writing #long post #oh gods #this has been in our drafts forever #we love fanfic #we love fandom #fanfic is a gift #to both the reader and the author #don't disrespect the genre #queue me up

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jjuzoir · 4 years

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To Date Itaru Chigasaki

Request: “insert here”

A/N: I had to split the request in 2 posts!! due to formatting 🙇‍♀️ so sorry!!

- You two met at a gaming shop!

- You were looking for a gift for your best friend’s younger sister, as much as you liked games yourself- buying one for a 12 year old was another story.

- You were freaking out- you had been in the store for almost an hour searching and nothing would come up.

- You were afraid of not getting a gift at all- that is until you felt a tap from a man in a suit.

- “You look like you’re ten seconds away from crying,” Itaru looked at you, “Need some help?”

- He didn’t know why he’d helped you, you were kind of cute and, unlike with other things, he was a bit more open to helping others when it came to video games.

- “Please,” you turned around, “I need a game for a 12 year old but I just don’t know! I-I don’t want her to think I think she’s a child but she can’t play anything too… you know, grown up or else her parents will kick my ass.” You whine, maybe if things had gone better you’d be embarrassed but embarrassment is simply something you cannot feel right now, you’re against the clock and you’re tired.

- “Hmm, a 12 year old girl… thought about Puppy Crossing?”

- And that’s how you spent the next 30 minutes, discussing a game for the kid with a 20-something year old blue collar.

- By the end you had bought the gift plus a recommendation Itaru had given you based on your short, but surprisingly sweet, interaction.

- The second time you met was, again, at the store but this time it was for you instead of a kid. Thankfully.

- He was wearing another suit, you guessed he really was an office worker; what was he doing here though? What business would guy with such a high paying job, you assumed by his suit and clothes, have in such a small game store in the middle of a gaming street.

- You shrugged it off before returning to browsing, you really shouldn’t judge.

- After a few minutes he noticed you and approached you asking about the game he’d recommended for the girl last time. After gladly informing him about the success the gift had- both of you quickly began talking about the game he’d recommended you.

- After that you two began meeting up in the shop- not on purpose or anything, it just kind of happened.

- In most situations he might’ve been annoyed but for some reason he couldn’t really bring himself to be mad. He enjoyed being able to shamelessly talk about games, online and competitive, pay to win or free to play, with a cute person who didn’t judge him.

- It became a weekly occurrence and you really enjoyed it. Eventually he asked you out on a date, it’d be in an internet cafe near the store, and you said yes.

- You were looking forward to being able to know him better, not in a store or just as friends but maybe… as a possible s/o? You slap your cheeks at the thought, silly [Name], that wouldn’t happen... right?

- That is until he called in sick stating he had grown ill with the flu and you were worried, he sounded like he was in hell based on the phone call. He was coughing, his voice sounded muffled, he kept sneezing too, you were surprised he could even dial with how bad he sounded.

- When you tried to call him his number went straight to voicemail so you did what anyone would do;

- You called in to his home number (which he had given you when he gave you his business card, yes he gave you his business card instead of giving you his phone number like a normal person).

- “Hello, Izumi Tachibana speaking.” Your heart kind of stops when you hear a woman’s voice and you wonder if maybe you’d been a side piece, but thinking back to Itaru and how he acted with you - you doubted it.

- “Izumi? Ah, eh… is a Itaru Chigasaki there?”

- “Itaru? Yes, I can give him a message, who’s calling?”

- “Ah, tell him it’s [Name] from the store, I was just worried about him…”

- “[Name], huh? Wait, you mean you’re [Name] [Last Name]?”

- “Ehh… yes?”

- Turns out Itaru had told his roommate maybe wife maybe kid(?) about you?

- You didn’t know he had roommates, he looked well off so why couldn’t he afford a house? Maybe she was a girlfriend and they were in a open relationship? So many questions…

- You thought you wouldn’t really mind but it turns out your cheeks were now bright red when Izumi explained how Itaru had been talking about you often and promptly invited you to check up on Itaru, who was in fact ill. She also gave you a rundown of the situation, turns out he was part of some acting company and she was the director, so with a lighter heart you decided to take her up on going over to check on him.

- Big mistake.

- You were going to stop by after work, you decided, you’d also go and buy him some soup for his stomach just in case. You arrived at the house and welcomed inside by a smiling Tachibana and a strange bird before you were given a rundown of some rules.

- “Knock first, always knock first. If you hear anything between a grunt or a yes you’re in the clear, if you hear anything like a groan or a curse wait before knocking again. If you happen to hear something falling over or a scream I’ll text you when it’s safe for you to come over again. You seem like a nice person, so please don’t forget any of the rules! Now- go!”

- She quickly pushed you in front of the door and knocked for you before bolting behind the stairs, you received a quick thumbs up before she hid again.

- You were now alone in a dorm room looking for a grown man who had called in sick to a date with you, this wasn’t exactly how you thought your friday evening was going to go. You knock the door and put your ear next to the wood… no grunt, had Izumi explained what a no-grunt meant?

- You look at her general direction where she looks confused but encourages you to go in, so you shrug it off before turning the handle around - you end up falling over when the door is opened by the man of the hour himself.

- “Oi, Izumi- now that this match is over you can come in with the-! Ah… [Name], this is… embarrassing,” Itaru had turned around ready to scold Izumi when instead he came to see you.

- He looked like shit- he really did, not only because he was sick but because his room was a mess. You knew he liked gaming but this… this was too extreme, was this what they called a gap moe?

- “What the hell…?”

- He invites you in quickly- shoving chips and cans left and right before sitting you down on a couch.

- “What are you doing here- ACHOO!”

- You explained how worried you were about him- how he didn’t answer your calls and so you came to visit with soup (you felt the need to highlight the soup).

- He thanked you for the thought before looking around the room awkwardly remarking it’d be best you left- the flu was contagious after all.

- It was an awkward reaction, even for him- something Izumi doesn’t fail to note once you leave, unlike when anyone else would come in; Itaru couldn’t find it in himself to scold you or threaten you with an immediate and painful death.

- You leave the room quickly and wave goodbye- but not before he slips you a note with a bunch of numbers scribbled on.

- When you arrive home that night you finally realise what it said; it was his friend code.

- And that’s how your first date was on a island in ACNH he made for the date. And that’s how he asked you out too.

- Fucking nerd.

- You were crafting some furniture for your island (which he had happily helped you plan out) when he asks you out via chat.

- Your response? You used the shocked and glad reactions, the only valid reaction.

- Dating him includes video game dates; any server based game multiplayer is used to seeing you two doing some cringe couple shit.

- You will have to bathe him, he can go days without taking a bath so get ready to shove him in a tub.

- He’s not very good at being a boyfriend sometimes, he struggles in the emotional aspect. He’ll base himself a lot in dating sims, like it’s kind of cute but it can be scary if he uses the wrong dating sim.

- Will kabedon you for 2 reasons and 2 reasons only; one, he genuinely wants to know if it works like ??? does it really make people swoon is it really that cool ?? and two, it’s been a life long dream of his let him have this.

- Itaru can be both mature and kind of childish, you’ll have to stomach a lot of tantrums when you get in the way of gaming. But he’s also not a kid, he can be surprisingly mature when he wants to.

- He takes the relationship very seriously, most of the time; he genuinely likes you and he tries to leave gaming but he struggles.

- So, you decide to combine two things; you + games. You’ll go visit him often and play games together on his couch.

- He’s so fucking happy when you do that, it’s cute. He doesn’t mind you using his clothes but do not touch his yellow-tiger bomber jacket he only uses when gaming. Do not.

- Itaru will let you play with his hair while he plays games, he lets you use butterfly clips and shit too.

- Just don’t expect him to go out like that he’ll fucking riot.

- “Banri will freak out-“ “Omi bring the camera Itaru has fucking butterfly-clips on, Taichi film this shit- he’s wearing clips! And they’re buttefly ones, funniest shit I’ve seen!”

- Banri 100% teases the fuck out of him when it comes to you but Itaru will come back with some cheesy shit to make him uncomfortable.

- “It’s not my fault we two fell in love-“

- “I swear to fucking god if you go on another rant I’ll destroy you and your whole blood line with my pinky.”

- The dorm is kind of surprised how much more social Itaru can be with you- they’re so used to seeing him shut himself in with games, but now that you two are together he comes out more often to spend time with you.

- He can be kind of cold and emotionally distant but after awhile you learn that that’s just how Itaru works. He’s kind of aloof and awkward and he can come off as rude sometimes? He just be like that you know.

- That both the shut-in gamer and businessman are the same guy and that you… l*ve him for it.

- Play games with him please- just do it.

#—🎀 a3!#a3 #a3!#act addict actors #a3 itaru #itaru chigasaki #itaru chigasaki x reader #itaru x reader #—✒️ sora’s scripts #—💌 mysterious messenger!#—📨 request

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kayliemusing · 3 years

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1. Is there something you have been trying to learn lately? - There’s kind of a few, because I feel like they all tie into one. Self acceptance is a big one, self-discipline, productivity, and trusting in God (which has proven to be the hardest thing. It hurts to trust in something you don’t see the outcome of, but it hurts too much not to trust in God.)

2. If you ever feel like you are different from your extended family, in which ways is this? - My dad/s side of the family is really toxic. There’s a lot of hypocrisy, drama, mental illness, drug addictions, and religiousness on that side (and when I say religious, I mean shame-y religion which I don’t agree with at all.) But my dad was really different from them. He was very kind, open to council, very steady and stable despite coming from such a dysfunctional background, and he loved God so truly that a lot of that pure ‘religion’ that exists within his family was broken off of him, and then I have my mom too, who is very fun, kind, caring, etc, so I grew up around more normalcy than my cousins did. My parents just parented me well and they talked about God to me and my sister a lot in such a good way that I never grew up around pure, shame-y, rule-bound religion which I think is the explanation why I (and my sister) are very different from our extended family. My dad died when I was fifteen so I don’t see that side very often, especially because they’re just entirely chaotic and dysfunctional so when I am around them it’s way more noticeable how different we are. (Sorry for big explanation. I’m in a super reflective mood lol.)

3. When you think about your future career, do you envision yourself becoming the head honcho or CEO? If not, why not? - I’ve always kind of wanted to have this leader-esque feeling to my career, but no, I don’t see myself being a CEO. I really just want to be an author so I guess I would have some level of being a leader to my own business, but not quite on a CEO type level. Right now, I’m trying to focus on fiction but I’m easily overwhelmed by it so I have been considering other mediums of writing. I just don’t know what that is or what fits right.

4. Is there something that you are sort of weird about talking about? Like, a thing that other people find casual, but you feel uncomfortable when the subject comes up? - Sex, is the first thing that comes to mind, but not sex in general. More like the conversations that are too much, you know? Lol. Some people go really into detail or can be graphic about their sex lives and I’m just like, please don’t. I don’t mind generically talking about it, but there’s a line. 5. Can you think of a time when you seriously misjudged a music artist based on their name? - I don’t think so.

6. Do you ever make negative comments about other body types? How does it make you feel when you see or hear negative comments about your body type, or a physical trait that you have (even when it’s not directed at you)? - Sometimes I have the tendency to judge other body types (i.e. I really don’t like the thigh gap look), but it’s never malicious and I’m always trying to be aware that others can’t help what they look like and if they’re happy in their body, that’s what matters. I struggle with disordered eating and kind of sit on that line between having an eating disorder and not having one so I’m very sensitive about my body and its type. I have a chubby tummy and I’m so insecure that it’s not flat that when I hear anyone say anything negative about not having a flat stomach it’ll ruin my day or I’ll just feel really ashamed.

7. If you are in a situation where you feel like you are being attacked or not respected, how easy or difficult is it for you to stay and keep your head rather than leave in a huff? - I’ll usually leave the conversation. Maybe slam a door lol. I’ll usually stand my ground until I finally feel like I’m not heard or no one cares and then I’m out.

9. When you think about how attractive you feel and your favorite features, are you comparing yourself to a societal ideal? - Yes. I happen to be well-acquainted with the comparison game.

10. If you have a favorite song right now: What is it? How did you first hear it? Why do you like it so much? - My favourite song is probably Coney Island by Taylor Swift right now. It’s from Taylor’s new album Evermore, but I have a couple on that album that tie for my favourite song right now (Honorable mentions: Willow, Cowboy Like Me, Tis The Damn Season). I absolutely love how poetic this song is and I think one of my all time favourite lyrics she has ever written is in that song: “If I can’t relate to you anymore then who am I related to?” This song for me just feels like I’m reading a poem and I just sink right into the story she’s telling.

11. Have you ever had someone that has been your friend for a while come to you and tell you they had romantic feelings for you? How did you respond, and did the friendship survive? - I did have a friend of mine tell me they had feelings for me. We had become friends in the eighth grade and then he confessed his feelings for me in the ninth grade, I told him I didn’t feel the same way but we stayed friends and it didn’t ruin anything, and then he confessed again in the eleventh grade and I said no to him again. After that final rejection, we never really made it back to being friends for a few reasons a) We stopped being in the same classes, b) I think he was really hurt and c) his friend (who is most dramatic than a girl by the way, and ironically dating one of my friends at the time) stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and gave his two cents and that was kind of when it fell apart. I didn’t really know his friend so it was weird that he had this narrative of me that he said “was leading X on” when I was just trying to be his friend but it’s whatever now. That was when I was like sixteen lol.

12. Hypothetically speaking, if Hillary Clinton were running for President as a democrat against Chris Christie as a republican in 2016, who do you predict would win the election? - Well, since it’s 2021 now, I would predict that Trump would win and divide America.

13. When you are getting to know someone new online (particularly someone male), how cautious are you of the possibility that they are serial killer/kidnapper? - I honestly never think of this, mostly because we live in such an online world now and I’m an adult. I don’t really know how much of this still happens, but you just don’t hear about it anymore. Not to mention, if it is a male, it’s most likely a pedophile (which is still gross) rather than a killer or kidnapper.

14. If you are talking to someone that you want to get to know, what are your go-to conversation topics? What subject makes you disappointed when another person isn’t interested in or knowledgable about it? - Tbh I feel like I’m really bad at conversations and I don’t know how to lead them because I’m quiet and scared of looking stupid. I know I really like deep conversations more than basic questions. However, it’s very important that I know their opinion on Taylor Swift because if there’s a chance they don’t like Taylor Swift, I already know that the person is probably not worth my time. For real though, if I’m having a conversation with someone, I usually get disappointed if I find out they’re a partier or drink a lot, because I’m really not into any of that stuff so it’s immediately like playing the Sims and having the minus sign appear above my head.

15. Say you have a lot of free time and want to join a club or class. You are browsing postings on local bulletin boards and online. What sort of group would you be interested in joining (e.g., book club, game group, crafts, golf lessons, etc.)? - A romance-only book club, DIY club.

16. Have you ever kissed someone that you didn’t really want to kiss (not assault, just indifference)? Why did you go along with it and how did you feel after? - Nah I’ve never been kissed

17. Have you recently learned anything about your personality? If not, have you ever consciously tried to change your personality? - Sort of recently, it was something I discovered last year which is that I’m a neurotic perfectionist and what I mean by that is I’m a perfectionist in a very self destructive way. I’ve always known I was ‘particular’ or others would say ‘has high-standards/expectations’ but I realized that it’s literally just perfectionism.

18. Are you or any of your friends in a sorority or fraternity? Would you be interested in belonging to one? - No and I don’t really understand what they are or why they’re a thing.

19. Can you recall a recent time that you were surprised, but in a bad way? - Yes. When my job eluded that they thought I was stealing from the registers. This happened around September 2020? Basically they didn’t flat out say that’s what they thought, but they made comments that the tills were either short or over at the ends of the night whenever I would be working and dead ass said “it looks suspicious”. I think it was surprising because I’ve worked there was two years and really felt like they should have known my character. (I literally am afraid of getting in trouble for the smallest things and they seriously thought I was capable of stealing from them lmao)

20. Do you feel uncomfortable when you receive praise for doing certain things? If so, does this make you less likely to do those things? - No totally the opposite. I really struggle with validation and I never feel good enough, which is something I’m working on, but it feels almost like I thrive on praise. Maybe it’s because my love language is words of affirmation?? I just always like/need to know when I’m doing a good job so when I don’t get praise or validation my self esteem plummets.

21. Do you make spontaneous purchases often or rarely? When you are upset does it make you temporarily happier to buy yourself something new? - Spontaneous purchases, often because I have no self control lol, but lately I’ve been working hard to try to save more. And yes when I’m upset, it does make me feel better to buy things.

22. If you have to wake up early for something, what time is just TOO early for you to be there and be presentable and sentient? Have you ever had to be somewhere that early? - 5 am. I think I can manage 6 am, but anything before that is a no from me. I used to work at 5 am when I worked at Chapters, but it was a nice shift because I finished work at 10 am and then went home and napped for two hours and then had literally the entire day.

23. Have the majority of your romantic relationships started with a physical attraction or a deeper connection? - I’ve never had a romantic relationship oops. But at least I read romance novels every day (and I write romance too!) I’ll try to answer this based on what I think would happen. I think it would start as a physical attraction and I think a lot of relationships start that way but they become something when you have a real connection. I think there are relationships that can start the other way though too, but I’d say for me it’ll probably be physical attraction first.

24. Do you ever catch any of those conspiracy shows on Animal Planet, like Bigfoot hunting or proof of Mermaids? Do those shows make your more or less likely to believe in the existence of such creatures? - No, but I DO watch ghost conspiracy theories/”REAL GHOST CAUGHT ON CAMERA” videos on Youtube for fun. But no I don’t believe in any of that stuff.

25. Did you ever write a fan letter to a celebrity? How about submit something to a magazine? - I’ve never technically written a fan letter to a celebrity but I wrote a post on tumblr to Taylor Swift a couple years ago that she’ll never see lol. And I’ve never submitted anything to a magazine, but I’d like to one day.

#survey

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tessatechaitea · 4 years

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Cerebus #16 (1980)

Cerebus is going up the stairs while Lord Julius is going down them. In the same direction.

Cerebus is often touted as the greatest independent comic book of all time (for various reasons) but I'd like to point out that Elfquest told an incredible story with beautiful art in just 20 issues as opposed to 300. Plus it had an elf orgy. Also, I know it continued on after the first 20 issue story arc but we can ignore the rest of the story because there was never another elf orgy and also the rest of the series concentrated too much on Skywise's fear of dying which was totally valid but was often used as a foil to make Cutter seem braver and more loyal to his wolf roots but really just showed he was stubborn and dumb and totally didn't fuck as many elf maidens as Skywise did. Cerebus does have some sex in his comic book but since the first sex he has is when he rapes Astoria, I don't think anybody was really clamoring for any more of that. I mean, sure, some people were! I didn't mean to erase the sickos and perverts out there. Sorry, jerks! I'm sure the "A Note from the Publisher" bit by Deni seemed like a good idea when starting out on a harrowing self-publishing journey like that of Cerebus. But it quickly became a space where Deni just says, "Self-publishing is fraught with hardships and also this is a really good issue! I won't spoil it! Goodbye!" I won't be sad to see the divorce happen! That's an okay thing to say because it already happened, right? It's not like my wishing for the end of their marriage in 2020 somehow brought about the end of their marriage in the early 80s. Is it? I never took a college course on cause and effect so who the fuck knows? Unless that Critical Literary Theory class was about that?! Oh my God! I think I understand it now! Dave's finale to the "Swords of Cerebus" essay that has been broken up over the last three issues describes how he was consciously drawing the Eye of the Pyramid cult leader's gigantic penis while drawing the snake. Sorry to report, though, that he's being sarcastic. Apparently Dave is above using phallic imagery to make a point about patriarchal themes. Only fucking hacks do shit like that! Take that, whoever wrote fucking Beowulf!

Even if Sim can't see the humor in everybody assuming he made a giant snake dick joke on purpose, he can still be extraordinarily funny with the least of materials.

This issue takes Cerebus to his first fancy dress party (that's a costume party for all of you people who aren't British (which is also me but only because I was born a citizen of the United States of America who didn't have a choice but knew it was a huge mistake as I was learning about Monty Python's Flying Circus and Dave Allen at Large in elementary school and The Young Ones in junior high and Red Dwarf in college)). Cerebus changes out of his vest and puts on his costume: a furry black jumper (that's sweater for all of you people who aren't British (which is also me but only because I was forced to watch mostly American popular entertainment until the advent of YouTube and now I mostly just watch Taskmaster over and over (by the way, is Taskmaster as good for people who don't know all of the "contestants" or do I enjoy it more because I recognize and like almost all of the people on the show?)). Lord Julius is dressed as an, um, a, uh, Estarcion matador? I have no context in which to guess what he is.

Certain people like Cerebus because he says what's on his mind. I purposefully used the passive voice here so you can't prove one of those people is me.

Lord Julius has a follow-up joke that leaves the reader thinking, "I guess all Pavrovians are fat?" That's Dave Sim continuing his work on Estarcion continuity! Remember how Pavrovians are the, um, you knows of Estarcion! You know the nationality I'm thinking of! The ones that are all the things people usually find insulting! Come on, you know who I'm talking about. The dumb fat arrogant stupid naive gullible ones! Yes, that's it! Americans! Try to remember Dave is Canadian. You have to think of Americans through Canadian eyes (which are the equivalent of smart, cynical Americans)! E'lass and Turg have gotten tickets to The Festival of Petunias so they can steal the Wyndmel Diamond. They're the duo composed of a giant muscular man and a little bitty shrimpy guy who last encountered (and were beaten by) Cerebus in Issue #6. E'lass is dressed like some kind of small dirt dwelling creature so I hope Cerebus gets offended by his costume and stabs him in the throat. There isn't enough random slaughter in this book about barbarians.

I haven't wanted to fuck a fish this badly since The Littler Mermaid.

I suppose I could have said "since Splash" in that last caption to seem more normal and less perverted but then you'd know I was lying. The assassins make a move on Lord Julius but Cerebus comes up with a plan to stop them that involves inducing the Palnu elite to throw herring-and-onion dip at them. Is that a parodied scene from Duck Soup or Conan the Barbarian? In the confusion, the lead assassin slips out through a secret door and E'lass, having just stolen the diamond and becoming increasingly paranoid that somebody saw him, slips through it as well. Cerebus and Lord Julius follow, having noticed the assassin but not E'lass. Most of the pursuit's tension comes from E'lass believing Cerebus remembers him and is now going to use the excuse of this new crime to murder him. It's more tense than I've even described because I really need Cerebus to murder somebody in this Swords & Sorcery book already. Reading this book waiting for a murder is like firing up a porn video on your laptop with your dick in your hands and realizing after five minutes that the video is almost over and was just a teaser for a pay porn site. Cerebus threatens to quit his job just before battling the assassin so he can negotiate a term of 8 bags of gold and a horse in exchange for killing the assassin as a pension before he goes. Julius agrees and Cerebus takes out the assassin with a rock to the head. I mean, I guess it's a murder so yay? But I was really hoping for some stabbing. Meanwhile E'lass lives through the cliché of the criminal whose paranoia gets the better of him and he tosses the diamond into a huge pit so he doesn't get caught only to discover that they never knew he took it anyway. Everything is wrapped up quickly and thoroughly with Cerebus given money and motivation to move on from Palnu. Dave complained about his heavy use of cliché in this Palnu trilogy and I have to say I agree with Dave. But I only agree with Dave on this point! Don't take that out of context and start raving on Twitter that Grunion Guy agrees with Dave's Issue #186 rant about girlfriends being illogical which is also secretly a rant about a guy who needs to get laid so badly he puts up with partners he probably wouldn't even be friends with and then finally just decides orgasms are evil and religion is super awesome but only if you smash all three People of The Book religions into one bland mash paste of ancient dogma. In the epilogue, Lord Julius receives a letter from his niece Jaka in which she expresses delight in possibly seeing Cerebus again. I guess Dave learned from Howard the Duck that comic book nerds really love for their anthropomorphic heroes to be fucking statuesque women. Perhaps every guy develops a fetish of being with a woman whose breasts are at head level due to being hugged constantly by their female relatives when they're ten years old. Deni's brother Michael's first installment of the "Aardvarkian Age" essays appears in this issue. It gives more details to the various nations of Estarcion and their inhabitants' culture, ruling styles, and brutality of their armies. I thought I'd be more interested in this than I actually wound up being. Maybe I thought it would be funnier? Instead, it's just a bunch of facts about made-up kingdoms to make them sound more believable by making them more like European countries in the Middle Ages. If this entire bit were just lifted from a history of Europe with the names of actual countries replaced by Estarcion countries, I wouldn't even notice. Mostly because I know nothing about European history. As I've always said, "Those who know about European history are doomed to repeat it, boring every single other person at the cocktail party." Dave apologizes for the quarter price increase of the comic book in the Aardvark Comments pages. Why, I hadn't even noticed! Probably because this is the Biweekly reprint issue and I purchased it as a collection off of eBay. Some people write in and discuss how Cerebus is a very fine and funny comic book. I nodded along in agreement as I read the letters. I only touched my private area twice while reading and neither time was for pleasure. The most surprising thing about "The Single Page" is that it clearly states who the comic was authored by: Kent Featherly. I don't know why so many of these single page comics aren't more clearly labeled. Isn't part of the reason for having them exposure for the artists drawing and writing them?! Not putting an effort to let a large audience know who you are and how they can read more of your work just sounds like something I would do. By the way, you should play this game I wrote, Starship Troopers: The Game. You can find it on the hard drive of my laptop. Cerebus #16 Rating: B. Look, it was funny and well drawn and all that. But even Dave said it relied too heavily on cliché plot devices. I've got to lower the grade when even the author points out some of the story's flaws! And I'd probably have come to the same conclusion without having been influenced by Dave Sim because I'm like the best Internet comic book critic who isn't a critic and isn't actually reviewing comic books. Also I almost forgot this evidence: I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reviewer! Nobody else can make that claim and if they do, they're plagiarizing me and I'd like you to point them out to me so I can send them a threatening email in which I pretend to be my own lawyer who is really good at suing dumb-dumbs.

#Cerebus #Dave Sim

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szopenhauer · 4 years

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Have you ever tried to walk on a moving vehicle and fallen over?: I didn’t fall When was the last time you were a passenger in a car and sat in the back?: I always sit in the back

What is the longest your hair has ever been?: to my butt Who does the grocery shopping in your household?: we all do but me and dad most often What is the best thing you’ve ever bought at a thrift shop?: I bought so many things! Have you ever been pulled aside by security at the airport?: not applicable Do you watch The Simpsons regularly?: I don’t but I like this show anyway :) Did you ever go to summer camp when you were younger?: twice Do you know anyone who is fluent in a second tongue?: me Have you ever been pressured into doing drugs? Did you say yes or no?: I said no

When you were younger, did you have a swing set or a playhouse in your backyard? had a swing Do you burn incense? I heard it causes cancer :(

Does being in love make you nervous? yep Have you ever been so quiet that nobody noticed that you were there? from what I remember Did you ever stop having feelings for someone and then started having those feelings again for them? yeah Do you stay home when you are sick or do you still go out? stay home What’s your relationship with the person you last texted? we’re datinh Have you had more than 3 gfs at the same time? nooo Are you in a good mood right now? sigh... Have you kissed someone with braces? I have XD Who’s your favorite redhead? real, celeb or character?

How do you feel about being in the house alone? cool When was the last time you burnt your mouth from eating something too hot? it happens often as I don’t feel it being hot most of the time :( Do you prefer instrumental songs or ones with lyrics? lyrics Do you have any old friends who you still kinda speak to but it’s awkward? sigh... When was the last time you used a quote from a movie in real life? today? Do you forget things easily? depends/some

Would/Do you like having brown eyes? maybe Do you spend a lot of time on the internet? too much Have you bought anyone a Christmas gift? not yet

What is one of your favorite compliments to recieve? compliments are awkward :x Do you compliment other random people? rarely What do you use Facebook for? texting mostly Do you love cartoons? some are nice Do you paint your own nails? I did

Describe your style in one word. comfy Describe your current personality in one or two words. complicated Are you afraid of child birth/pregnancy? it’s one of the reasons why I don’t want any kids What are you favorite bottoms to wear? leggings or pajama pants Do you like dresses? not really Do you eat cake with a spoon or a fork? tiny fork but spoon is fine as well What is your favorite sex position? ;) I'm not a fan of sex What color will you paint your nails next? black if any Are you afraid of ghosts/hauntings? kinda What is your favorite game to play with family/friends? board games and/or car racing games with dad What is your beer of choice? I don’t drink beer Do you like glitter? could say so Have you ever owned a Ouija board? hell no Do you like to text? it seems If you had to be an animal for Halloween, what would it be? bat, cat or wolf (eventually a raccoon but it’s not a Halloween related animal) Do you have more dry skin or oily skin? mixed

Name something that starts with the first letter of your first name. zoo Name something that starts with the first letter of your middle name? - And your lastname. chicken Would you spend 20 dollars on a candle? no way What is the goriest thing you’ve seen in real life? hmm... Twilight or Harry Potter? HP Would you rather be a vampire or a mermaid? vampire P.E or Math? Math or Science? dunno What do you do when someone is really rude to you in public? hard to tell Do you argue with your significant other a lot? we don’t argue Have you ever had a really painful breakup? they were painful to me What do you like to write with? my hands lmfao Do you prefer to be pale or tan? Don’t say in between. pale What is your favorite thing about Christmas? decorations and gifts but also spending time with my parents Do you prefer white or black electronics? black A stranger comes up to you and gives you a big hug, what do you do? :o Do your eyes tear up when you’re nervous? might Apples or Bananas? apples Water or Milk? water Would you milk a cow given the chance? it’s weird Where do you shop for your underwear? I don’t have a fav place to do that

Do you feel more comfortable sleeping in your own bed or in a hotel bed? my own

Do you prefer to travel by plane, car, or boat? car

Who is your favorite travel buddy? dad

What’s the best souvenir you have ever purchased? can’t choose

What’s your favorite book to read during a long ride? I don’t read while travelling

What’s the most entertaining story you have about getting lost? me and my father been talking so loud that someone on the street just stopped by and told us where the place we’re looking for is ^^”

What was the most expensive trip you have ever taken? ask my family

Which songs are on your travel playlist? whatever

Which travel blogs do you follow? none

Do you complain when you are bored, or look for something to do? I’m never bored so I don’t complain about it

Do other people’s complaints ever get on your nerves? some/depends

How did you develop your specific taste in music? can’t explain that

If you drink coffee, how do you like it (with cream, black, etc)? I don’t drink coffee

Did your parents sign you up for things like piano lessons and ballet? no and now I’m a loser

What is your favorite children’s song? Kokoszeczka

Are you good at telling jokes? I am

Other than gas, what do you frequently purchase at a gas station? I don’t purchase anything there

Ten years ago, did you think that this was how the world would turn out? ...

Ever think you might be better off living in a different time period? yup

Do you walk regularly? not regularly but often

If you could have the answer to one question, what question would that be? personal

Do you like any bands from other countries? obvi, most of those I like aren’t from Poland, I don’t like polish music

When was the last time you mailed a handwritten letter? years ago

Do you still receive Christmas cards? my mom does

Do you know anyone who is really hard to please? sadly

What gets you through the day? I wonder myself

If you found out your bf/gf was homosexual, how would you react? I know she is - elseway we wouldn’t date (ok, she could be bi, I know)

If you are homosexual, and you find out your bf/gf is straight, then what? we break up

Have you ever sung karaoke? What songs? Was it fun? it was Ich troje song *embarassed*

Have you called anyone today? What did you talk about? not today

Do you drive around the neighborhood to look at lights around Xmas? I like to look but I don’t ride around just for that

Why are so many single people bitter on Valentine’s Day? because they’re lonely and because this day is fake

What is one tradition you hate participating in? personal

Have you made a fool of yourself today? probably

When was the last time you did something for someone else? recently

Do you let other people choose the radio stations in your car? but I don’t have a car

Would you say that you are an accepting and openminded person? am not

Have you ever been convinced to try something you didn’t want to do? I have been

When was the last time you cheated–at anything? last time I used motherlode in The sims 4 game?

When you are mad at someone, how do you show them? depends

When was the last time you felt you had a reality check? blergh

Have you ever felt out of touch with reality? dissociation, derealisation, depersonalisation etc.

Have you ever had a tooth pulled? not since I was a kid

How long do you you usually chew a stick of gum? didn’t check the timing

Was there any teacher that made life living hell for you? it wasn’t THAT bad but it wasn’t good

How about any student(s)? I’ve been bullied if it’s what you’re asking me about - still could be much worse

When was the last time you felt overwhelmed? 24/7

Do you have any coffee mugs with funny pictures/sayings? Did I just rolled my eyes out loud

Describe something strange that you own? where should I start...

Do you think graffiti is a valid form of artistic expression? I don’t approve of it when it vandalizes property

Are you afraid to walk places at night if you are alone? I’m a petite woman so...

What do you think of people who are shy? hard to keep contact with them

Have you ever gone through a time when you had no friends? How did you deal with it? not counting my family - last several years - I was ok with it as I’m a loner, homebody, introvert

What is something that shouldn’t bother you, but does anyway? fuck off!

Has any food ever made you sick to the point where you’d be afraid to try it again? that happened more than once already

Can you hear traffic right now? I don’t hear anything :3

Have you taken a painkiller today? no

Have you had a nap today? neither

Are you currently in a relationship? If so, do you think it will last? don’t feed my paranoia...

Do you have a hyphenate name or know anyone with one? (eg. Carter-Brown) my sister

Do you take your Christmas decorations down before or after New Years? after

Have you made a large purchase today? I didn’t buy anything today, it’s Sunday

Have you ever used a leaf blower? we don’t own one, we’re not rich

You see someone running around naked in the street. Your reaction? if it’s neighbor’s kid that’s no surprise

Has someone close to you died of murder? no one close to me but still a family member of some sort

Would you ever have sex with the last person you texted? done

Do you abbreviate when you text? that’s lazy of me, I know

Is anyone in the room on the phone right now? I’m playing a game

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nikatyler · 5 years

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You might have seen me complain about this “graduation thing” that I had to write. (my English teacher actually called it a thesis, but that sounds too fancy in my opinion lol. I just...can’t see myself writing a thesis...yet. Language is funny.) Well, IT IS DONE. I CAN BREATHE NOW. I have some more things to finish before my graduation exams, and then I have to learn all the topics for the exams but for now, everything is fine. I’ll worry about this later. Speaking of exams and everything, I have one last month of high school left. When did that happen? There are the exams in May, uni entrance exams in June...and then I’m off to the so called adulthood. Help??

Let’s talk about sims for a bit...well, I’d love to but I’m almost never playing anymore. There’s no time. I’ll probably play BPR this weekend, as per usual. I guess I’ll start posting it in like June or July, so that will be almost a year since I started playing it. It’s going to be great, I promise. Well, the beginning already makes me cringe, but the things I’m doing now are fun. Kinda cringey too, but I feel like I can justify that since that’s cringey on purpose haha.

Replies now. There’s a lot of them because I don’t do these regularly anymore oops. It’s probably not everything because my activity feed hides stuff from me. I just know it. Smh tumblr

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Sammy: … Lydia: “Come on.” Sammy: “These…these two guys. They laughed...”

Can't believe I'm about to throw hands with some teenagers I haven't even met lol

Same lol. They won’t even ever show up but I hate them so much

myopiccc replied to your photoset “Lydia: “They should mind their own business! Sammy, listen to me now....”

I'm on your side Lydia!

She has a good valid point but if I could talk about this to her I would probably try to stop her too. She doesn’t think about the consequences haha

create-a-sim replied to your photoset “Sim Request: Michelle Emmons for @alfalfalegacy I do this thing that...”

she's soooo cute!!

Thank youuu! I really like how she turned out too!

melien replied to your post “post nsb”

Anon told you to post nsb so you should immediately go play and post nsb because your blog exists exclusively for their personal pleasure and entertainment! No excuses!!

Wait until they find out I want to post BPR next. Another sims 3 save. SCANDALOUS. HOW DARE I PLAY ANYTHING THAT ISN’T OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE SIMS 4™. Sorry I read a post comparing ts3 and ts4 a few days ago and I’m still salty.

Anon pls don’t start a riot

melien replied to your photoset “Annabeth: “Uh…I think your face is stuck.” Regan: “Didn’t you know...”

I second this! It's kinda creepy when it happens

It’s too much. If they smiled a little less, I probably wouldn’t mind but this is just creepy. It kinda reminds me of that Momo thing that was everywhere on the internet a few months ago. My sister showed me a picture and uhh...I didn’t need to see that.

melien replied to your photoset “Adam: “Why can’t you be more like your siblings?” Lydia: “Umm, dad,...”

She's a modern day Tyler I guess

Sort of, yeah. Tyler kinda fakes it I’d say, he’s not as dumb as he’s trying to seem. It’s a role he chose to play for reasons. Which...probably makes him dumb in a way but oh well. Lydia...I don’t want to say she’s dumb because she’s not really, but there’s a slight difference between her and Tyler haha. I could talk about this a lot.

melien replied to your post “I`d looove to make ships with other people however I`m not completely...”

It's fine! Showing them in the legacy is more than enough. With people who I have the most ships with, we do discuss them, but it's not like 24/7 headcanon exchange, it just happens naturally whenever either of us has an idea. There's no right way to act when you have a ship with someone, so you're good! It's still much better than one-sided ship when the other person just isn't interested.

I’m the kind of person who would like to have everything clear, possibly broken down to a step-by-step tutorial haha. Even though I know some things don’t work like that. So naturally, stuff like talking to people confuses me a lot. Also, teamwork! I don’t know how to do it. Depending on who I’m working with, I’ll either be the one who does all the decisions or the one who nods and agrees with everything the partner says. Communication is hard, basically.

I think that here, another big problem with me is that I hate spoilers and I don’t want to spoil anything to anyone ever. Even if they probably have the right to know first. But hey, all the current ships I have with other people have been shown, maybe I’ll feel more comfortable doing it now?

melien replied to your photoset “Didn’t I tell you to go inside? “Omg muuuuum leave me alone.”

Caleb: okay

Caleb: *rises from his grave* “Don’t disrespect me, son-in-law.”

melien replied to your photoset “Hey hi hello I know everyone is busy downloading Strangerville right...”

Super late here but Myra and everyone else look great! ��

Thank! I’ve been thinking about updating the entire tree again though, giving everyone new pictures, so who knows how long this will stay whoops.

melien replied to your post “Why do y'all open sim requests when I have no use for more sims. �� I...”

Same :/ I want sims from everyone but I just know I won't use them anywhere in the nearest future and I don't want to put pressure on myself

Looking back, I’m actually glad I requested all these sims for gen 6 because it kept me going. I knew I had to get through the hard too-many-sims-in-the-household part because I wanted to show them in the end.

I hate when people request sims and then never ever use them anywhere. Don’t get me started on “hey I want to start a new legacy, please give me spouses for all ten generations”, followed a few days/weeks later by “hey guys sorry, I’m not that interested in this legacy, I’ll be starting a new one” - and the cycle starts over again. Why would anyone do that? Just ask for a gen 10 sim when you get there, it’s not that hard to wait.

I mean, here’s what I’m doing right now - I’ve created a peach spouse for my bpr sim months ago, they haven’t even met in the legacy yet, but I’d already love to have the orange sim for the next generation because I’m so excited about this all at the moment. Am I going to ask someone now? Hell no. I didn’t play this legacy for like six months and even though I love it so much lately, there’s a chance I’ll lose interest in it again. I’ll ask for an orange sim when I’ll know I can do gen 3...it’s gen 3 right. Oh well.

melien replied to your photoset “I forgot this interaction existed. I don’t do weddings too often. My...”

Is this a wedding-specific interaction? I feel like I haven't seen it in my game yet but idk for sure

Yes! I think they can only do it with that moodlet they get as soon as they get married.

melien replied to your photoset “Lydia the…wait, I need a really good superhero name. Ah, I’ll think...”

Lydibug

Uhhhh, the other day I thought about how Eielyd (switched i/y because of her name, I know it’s eyelid) would be a really stupid nickname for her but Lydibug actually sounds cool aaaand it’s now canon she loves Miraculous Ladybug.

melien replied to your photoset “Lydia: “I’m gonna make fun of every asshole in this town. Starting...”

Ooooooooo good luck getting out of this one

Whoopsie

Something similar actually happened to me in elementary school, my friend and I were talking about which colour we want our house be when we’re adults and then I said something like: “I don’t know but I definitely don’t want it to be yellow! Yellow houses are ugly.” And she goes: “My house is yellow.” My face turned red and I started shaking because I thought I had offended her sooo badly. I remember I got out of it saying something like: “Your house is okay, I just don’t like the bright yellow ones.” I don’t know what I had against yellow houses, to be fair. But I didn’t like them.

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Sammy: “How was your day, Will?” Will: “Good. Very good. You need to...”

Oh my god Will ��

Don't jump ahead in the plot lol

Since he plays so much with magic, maybe he’s seen the future haha

autistichatkid replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

rose!!! idk exactly when but i believe miracle was a child and tyler had long hair

alfalfalegacy replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

Came in just before Miracle's gen started and have stayed ever since!!

lalunebleue replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I first started following when you were doing the ts3/ts4 crossover story with Zoe. That was a really cool idea.

kyveria replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

right at the beginning of your nsb legacy, and I thought it was the best one! ��

harmoniouspixels replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I found your blog around the time Caleb was pregnant with Miracle and the mommy jokes from Tyler began (I could’ve been following earlier, but I distinctly remember that)

simlovinggirl replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I found you on Gen 5 of your Rose Legacy. Miracle's story still pulls at my heart ♥

autumndiesirae replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I think I got your blog on my recommended feed during Ross' transformation in NSB

whysimstho replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I was looking up nsb stories to read, and I found the breeze legacy which was around when Ross was still a child. Then I noticed your sims 3 posts and was like "oo that looks cool" so I started reading them from the beginning too lol

desira-sims replied to your post “Hi guys, I have a question �� I know some of you have been here...”

I came across a Caleb and Ross post. I then proceeded to binge read your nsb until I had caught up.

This post lowkey backfired. I asked just because I was curious and suddenly there I was, reading the comments and sobbing because this is so cool and basically, I love and appreciate you all so much guys, you have no idea.

I guess it’s one thing knowing you see someone in your activity feed all the time, and the other thing is actually remembering when you’ve started seeing them and how much they’ve seen. It’s insane.

It’s also interesting to see how I feel about many of these things now (Zoey and Miracle’s storylines are the greatest example) and then here you are still saying it was good...makes me wonder if I’m too hard on myself. I’m never satisfied with everything!

kymmaisims replied to your post “Plans for this week and other rambling”

Take your time! We understand ��

It’s going to be a few hard months now...but hopefully I’ll be able to do it!

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Annabeth: “Consider yourself invited, Micah.”

!!!

Here we finally gooooo

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Cassandra: “That was the dumbest romcom I’ve seen in a while.” Sammy:...”

The way Sammy looks at her in this post is really cute :')))

PROTECT

pxelblobs replied to your post “Nope! Not at all. I did not just read all 377 pages of your Rose...”

I did! It took a few days but it inspired me to play a non berry save.

Yay, I’m happy to hear that!

kymmaisims replied to your post “In case you were wondering why there were no timezone reblogs today: I...”

*cough* poses *cough* �� Congrats on almost reaching a milestone! You deserve it!

Thank you! Three more followers left. That’s insane. I still feel the same way I did when I only had like 100 followers.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset

No, Miracle don't return to the aliens right now! You still have teens to raise! And a husband.

That would have been kinda cool if it happened, wouldn’t it? You’re not ready for what actually happened. Haha...haha...hahaha...just you wait, it starts today.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Calypso Heather for @sinfulwunders’s Melanie BC A long time ago,...”

Oh. My. God is she cool!

Thank you! I knooow, I love her so much *-* I tried doing some things differently this time and it was so worth it.

justkeeponsimming replied to your photoset “Look, she deserves a break. She freaking raised six children.”

She looks so adorable OMG

She does! My opinion on her has changed a lot through the years (I mean, she’s not my most favourite sim anymore, I don’t think her storyline was the best thing I’ve ever done etc), but nothing will change the fact that she’s the cutest sim I have.

harmoniouspixels replied to your post “˜ºï¸ Caleb Vatore”

Re Number 2: Yes, you're right! He's shown being romantic with women and then a guy in the vampire pack's trailer. We stan a canon bisexual icon

Ahh I knew I didn’t make it up! We stan a canon bisexual icon indeed

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Will: “A real fairy!” ??: “Huh?” Will: “I mean…oh my god. I’m sorry....”

Will's a big mood though. Cause I too would see a fairy and then immediately blurt something out like that ��

I wouldn’t blurt it out, probably (I don’t talk irl lmao), but I’d do something equally embarrassing and my reaction would be probably the same. I’d run away and feel bad about it.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “One Year of Breeze NSB Legacy! On this day one year ago, as soon as I...”

Happy birthday, the Breezes! ❤️��❤️

fataleromeo replied to your photoset “One Year of Breeze NSB Legacy! On this day one year ago, as soon as I...”

I love these edits! ��

froggypixel replied to your photoset “One Year of Breeze NSB Legacy! On this day one year ago, as soon as I...”

This is so freakin cool��❤️❤️

justkeeponsimming replied to your photoset “One Year of Breeze NSB Legacy! On this day one year ago, as soon as I...”

ronnie these edits are SO cute! I love love love what you did with the screenshots in the background!

Thank you guys! ♥ ♥ I didn’t know what to do, so I just took some simple couple pictures and then I thought wait a minute...I could put screenshots from the two finished generations in the background!

I kinda wanna do the same thing for Rose Legacy which turns three years old this April, but I hate editing ts3 pictures - mainly because the alpha hair is a bitch to edit, at least for me. I’m pretty good at faking it, but I actually don’t know much about Photoshop :D Once again, thank you guys.

#replies #alfalfalegacy #myopiccc #create-a-sim #melien #autistichatkid #lalunebleue #kymmaisims #tiny-tany-thaanos #justkeeponsimming #kyveria #harmoniouspixels #simlovinggirl #autumndiesirae #whysimstho #desira-sims #fataleromeo #froggypixel

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dramallamadingdang · 7 years

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Buncha replies...

Because I’ve been neglectful. For @aquilasims, @littleblondesim, @celebkiriedhel, @wesleesims, @kayleigh-83, @olivesplum06, @holleyberry, @twofingerswhiskey, @penig, @taylors-simblr, and @fuzzyspork...

aquilasims replied to your photoset “Yup, subway tile…or some of the colors could also pass for brick. :)...”

darn. i would love to use this in my game but i have a mac :(

Yeah, sorry about that. :( I was going to make a Mac-friendly version, too, but when I sized down the image to accommodate the stretching that happens when a 256x512 texture is used, it kinda messed up the tiling between the 256x256 “blocks” that I initially drew ( so that I could make floors, too, eventually). The tiling between the “blocks” was skewed by like half a pixel (which was really noticeable because the “grout” between the tiles is only two pixels wide) and I didn’t feel like redrawing the whole thing. But now that I think about it, it might look OK if the 256x768 textures in the wall files were sized down to 256x512 which would “flatten” the individual tiles somewhat. Then perhaps the stretching that the game does would re-stretch them to about the right dimensions and not screw up the tiling. I’ll have to experiment a bit, see how it looks...

littleblondesim replied to your photo “And Simon became a Real Grown-up™. He let his hair down and sprouted a...”

Time to be a big boy and get a big double bed!

Well, unfortunately for him the firehouse he lives in now only has single beds, too. :) But it does have couches so, since he lives there alone at the moment, he could bring home some “company”... Or, knowing this neighborhood, company will just barge right in. :) I still don’t know what’s up with that...

celebkiriedhel replied to your photoset “Matching recolors of the cheap counters, stove, and refrigerator, in...”

I can do that - do you want a cabinet with or without doors?

With doors, I think. But then again, without might be good, too; I could see it as a good place to store “cookbooks” and those wouldn’t necessarily have to be behind doors. So, if you’re feeling ambitious, both? :) Or just with doors. Whatever you feel like, really. :) And thank you! You’re awesome. :)

wesleesims replied to your photoset “Pet stuff! Suzy grew up into a basenji. (I love basenjis. They’re one...”

very cute, but not a basenji (; i'd guess a shiba inu? they do have basenjis in the game, too. and yeah, feisty is the right word for basenjis, but despite being difficult at times, they are still one of the best dogs out there! but i may be a bit biased since we have two of them at home ;D

Yeah, you’re probably right. The head’s a bit too bulky for a basenji. I just saw small and curled tail. :) But yeah, they’re awesome dogs. I love their yodel. :) And their wrinkled foreheads. And their feistiness. And their lack of stink. I’m definitely getting at least one when some of my current pack pass away. (8 dogs is enough, when they’re all together, especially because they’re all large!)

kayleigh-83 replied to your photoset “It’s winter! Time to take care of the autumn leaves because I don’t...”

oops trigger happy on the enter key.... try that again... every time I've tried to burn the leaves my Sims have ended up setting themselves or something else on fire, so I gave up on it! LOL I do like getting witches to zap them though!

I’ve only ever had that happen once. I think the key is not to have anything around when you light up the pile. :) Kind of like how fireplaces will light stuff that’s within a tile away unless you’ve modded that out, like I have. (Maybe that prevents leaf-pile fires, too, now that I think about it; it probably uses the same coding.) But then, I think fires are kind of fun sometimes. (In the game, that is! Not in real life! *laugh* )

olivesplum06 replied to your post “I’m bummed. :(”

Have you downloaded felicity island for TS2? It's a copy of the CS island, that along with all the build, buy & CAS stuff it's pretty close to CS!

I haven’t, no. Mostly because I don’t want to play castaway scenarios in TS2. I actually prefer Castaway Stories for that. I like its “careers” and its way-more-logical routing. (Like, Sims can actually talk to each other when standing on a slope; the lack of that in TS2 drives me NUTS! And I imagine that it would be a real problem with that TS2 version of Felicity Island, since that map is ALL slopes.) And I definitely prefer the way CS handles “walkbys.” (No “greeting” needed; they just make themselves at home, gives it a genuine communal tribal feel.) And its want trees are more appropriate for castaway scenarios, of course. And I especially like its things like spearfishing and its swimmable on-lot water (without having to screw around a lot to make on-lot water swimmable, like you have to do in TS2) that also increases hygiene.

So...Yeah, I definitely wanna play it in Castaway, not TS2. The only downside is, yeah, having to play the stupid story again. But, I can do that in one session, since I just do exactly what I have to do to get to the next “chapter,” without screwing around and with playing on higher speeds whenever I can, because I don’t care about the story at all. I just want to unlock all the stuff. :)

holleyberry replied to your post “I’m bummed. :(”

Oh No! Well, at least you'll have fun setting it all back up.

Yeah. :) And I’m thinking I might see about the possibility of making a completely empty template for the freeplay island, so that there won’t be any “townie” natives or premades. Like the empty Pleasantview template you use when you don’t want the “standard” townies. My biggest disappointment with the first stab at this scenario was that, while I could use the Visitor Controller to prevent the “natives” from waltzing onto my castaway lots, I could only set it in a way that prevented ALL non-household Sims from “walking by” because Castaway doesn’t seem to internally distinguish between townies and playables. That sort of killed the “tribal” atmosphere I wanted. So, I’m thinking that if I can make it so that there are no “townie” natives and premades from the get-go, that would be better than using the Visitor Controller. So...Yeah, it was probably for the best because I was kind of thinking about starting over to address this issue anyway...

twofingerswhiskey replied to your photo “More devastation for poor Simon. At least Sharon was still hanging...”

sleep when you're dead? ;)

Something like that. :) I still haven’t quite figured out the logic behind ghosts being pissy if their bed isn’t there. I mean, why on Earth would they care??!

kayleigh-83 replied to your post “I are sad. My brother and his husband went back home to hell Indiana...”

I sometimes attempt to catch up when I've been behind and I have to say I sure wish mobile was set up like the desktop site, where it will show you on your list of followed blogs when the last time they updated was. Then you can just only click into ones that have been updated since the last time you were on! Sometimes I just wanna lay in bed or on the couch and catch up on the ipad, but it doesn't show you that info! Fix it Tumblr, fix it!

HAH! Well, you’re better off than me. The Tumblr app for Kindle (my only mobile device) hasn’t been updated in, like, four years. The dashboard on it doesn’t work anymore, and it doesn’t even have messaging. And all looking up your followers does is bring up an alphabetical list of them. The only thing I can really do in the app for Kindle is see notes and look at my own posts/queue. And I can make posts, but I don’t often do that because I hate virtual keyboards. I’m pretty sure the apps aren’t actually made by Tumblr, though, but are made by third parties. So I’m afraid that for this, it’s not Tumblr we need to be yelling at but the folks who make the apps.

But yeah, because of this I only “do Tumblr” when sitting at my desktop, which definitely cuts down on opportunity. Otherwise, I could do it when, like, sitting in waiting rooms at doctors’ offices....

kayleigh-83 replied to your photoset “Jupiter became a grown-up dog and…uh…well… I swear, my game habitually...”

Hahaha my dogs are the same, my game seems to give me a lot of sorry looking mutts. Lol

What I don’t get is that the small dogs in my game seem to be OK, but the big dogs are just...what? I mean, why would only one dog size be weird? Why not both?

taylors-simblr replied to your photoset “Because you can’t have awesome 50s kitchens like this…...”

I'm pretty sure our new kitchen has that gold lino ha ha

Heh. Well, it WAS a very popular color in the 60s/70s. “Harvest Gold” and “Avocado” were The Shit, at the time. :) Probably not so much in the late-40s-through-early-60s that I’m targeting, but...Well, not having a dark yellow would’ve thrown off my spectrum, man. ;)

penig replied to your post “I are sad. My brother and his husband went back home to hell Indiana...”

It's supposed to be fun, not an obligation. You can always use the archives to catch up on situations involving continuity, at your leisure, and if you miss stuff - so do we all.

I know, I know...I just feel bad because I like to give notes and especially replies and stuff. Tumblr is just so...non-validating, you know? Like, made for the short-attention-span generation. I suppose clicking the little heart shows “enough” appreciation, but it seems like very little, and not doing that at all just feels like shirking. But yeah, I know that’s all on me. I just wish there was more time in a day, is all. :)

taylors-simblr replied to your post “I are sad. My brother and his husband went back home to hell Indiana...”

Same with me except I need to catch up on over a years worth of stuff, tumblr just moved too quick. If you're not on it daily it's hopeless to try and see everything

Yeah, it does move fast. Made for short attention spans, like I said. :) I actually wouldn’t feel bad about it if I was gone for a long period of time, though, like “maternity leave.” I mean, no one could be expected to catch up with a year or more of posts. :) But I just tend to have a few days or a week here and there where I just don’t have the time (or, sometimes, the will) to really keep up like I’d generally like. And sometimes I just scroll through looking to see if the stories I keep up with have updated and don’t even leave any “likes” otherwise. That really makes me feel bad, but sometimes all I have time for is a quick scroll-through looking for certain user names. :( Bad iCad! No biscuit! :)

fuzzyspork replied to your photoset “Sandy made a lot of devastated noises, but… I’m kinda not buying it....”

The sims lack of a mourning period is sometimes annoying. :P Maybe she needs to fill that giant hole left behind in her heart when Goops passed and she thinks there's only one way to do that?

Maybe. Although it’s not like she really had time to fall in love with anyone else, anyway, given that she died like two days after Goopy did. :) Of course, she didn’t “know” that was going to happen. :)

But yeah, mourning in the game is weird. Especially because it’s limited to only the Sims who were in the same household as the deceased. When Goopy and Sandy croaked, the only kid left in the house was Simon. The other two kids didn’t do any mourning, of course. Toddlers get that fear of relatives dying, so they’ll sometimes take a mood hit, but only sometimes and if they, say, learn to walk, that’ll instantly get rid of that bad mood. And even Simon wouldn’t have been in his birth household if I played him how I usually do, kicking kids out when they reach “Inteen 18,” either to college or out on their own. He was only there because he was “destined” for the firefighter career, which only has an adult track, so it didn’t make much sense to kick him out until he was an actual adult rather than an Inteen one.

Anyway, yeah, this is one thing I’d change about the game, if I could. One should mourn one’s parent’s death (assuming that you have a good relationship with them), even if you no longer live with that parent. It’s just weird, otherwise.

#aquilasims #littleblondesim #celebkiriedhel #wesleesims #kayleigh-83 #olivesplum06 #holleyberry #twofingerswhiskey #taylors-simblr #penig #fuzzyspork #replies

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wernher-von-brawny · 5 years

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I wouldn’t say the latter two seasons aren’t good; They just aren’t great. And it may seem out-of-character for me to say this, but that’s okay.

I’ve been preparing for this possibility ever since Brooker landed himself a top-shelf wife and had kids. And since he got international success, and the love of Hollywood, and an Emmy.

The guy who wrote Nathan Barley and How TV Ruined Your Life and all those Weekly Wipes and those sharp, angry commentaries on 10 O’Clock Live and the first half-dozen or so episodes of Black Mirror was possessed of a particularly British kind of cynicism and bitterness. The kind that comes from growing up in a rigidly hierarchical class structure, where the measure of a man is more often estimated by heredity than ability.

In a situation like that, a cheeky, vulgar, and undeniably gifted video-game reviewer is allowed to say rude things. Encouraged, even. It’s a tradition over there: a bit of steam released to keep the boiler of social oppression from exploding.

But once he got American success and validation, once he got John Hamm to star in one of his stories, once he was on the path to Hollywood inclusion, once he stopped being the outsider and started becoming an insider, once he has something to lose, things began to change.

Rod Serling wrote about it in one of his teleplays. They give you a thousand dollars a week, until you can’t imagine living without a thousand dollars a week, and then they’ve got you.

Serling described that from experience, and his work on The Twilight Zone had a similar arc. The bitter early genius in stories like The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street later gave way to pleasant but forgettable episodes like Cavender Is Coming starring Carol Burnett. It’s a good bit of TV – Burnett is incapable of being anything less than engaging – but it’s only remembered for her sake.

Hollywood specializes in taking creative, revolution-minded weirdos and giving them enough status that they learn to behave, to play ball, to “grow up”. And if they don’t learn to play ball, they’re out. Just ask Richard Grieco.

And Brooker has demonstrated great skill in not going too far over the edge. He’ll show a politician skull fucking a dead pig, for example, but he knows better than to make an enemy of the Crown. And he’s certainly smart enough to know he needs to modulate his material when adapting to the sunnier climes of southern California.

The difference between the British and American sensibilities was illustrated by Stephen Fry when he said that an American comedian would want to play the John Belushi role in Animal House, while a British comedian would want to play the folk singer whose guitar Belushi violently smashes.

Crushing the spirit of then-unknowns like Daniel Kaluuya or Hayley Atwell under British dread is a proud tradition over there, but Hollywood stars are built for triumph through adversity. Brits lose, even when winning, while Americans win, even when losing. (Insert Trump joke here.)

Brooker is smart enough to grok this, but he’s also essentially British, and I think his struggle to reconcile this cultural disconnect makes the difference between him producing great work that creates a lasting impression, and very good work that is consumed and forgotten.

In the world of Black Mirror, Kaluuya is punished for acting out by being given the prison of his dreams. Ron Howard’s daughter is (ironically) sorta-rewarded for her meltdown, finally achieving genuine human contact from her holding cell. Maybe it’s the cynicism of the ending, maybe it’s the creative team, or maybe it’s just chance, but Kaluuya’s episode is pretty great, while Howard’s is pretty good.

Ironically, San Junipero – perhaps the best thing Brooker ever wrote – ends with a relative win for the two leads. How’d that happen?

Well, for one the leads aren’t famous celebrities, which seem to bring out the best in a Black Mirror episode. For another, there’s plenty of cynicism in the world around them, not the least of which is the implied class barrier between those who can afford the San Junipero treatment and those who can't. And then there’s the fact that their “victory” is a simulation playing out in a computer somewhere, while in the real world they are both actually dead.

Terry Gilliam’s very British Brazil did it in the 80s, and it was brilliant. San Junipero magpied it with a heaping dollop of American 80s retro, and it was wonderful. Maybe not brilliant, but wonderful. And great. (THE FEELS!!!) I mean, could it BE a more perfect melding of American and British sensibilities?

And the acclaim it received seems to have influenced Brooker. Mollified his bitterness and cynicism a bit. As has, one assumes, getting married to a top-shelf partner, and having kids.

So we’re seeing a kinder, gentler Black Mirror.

But as for good versus great Black Mirror, perhaps we can measure the difference by comparing SJ to Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too.

Despite the feel-good Belinda Carlisle ending of SJ, Yorkie spent an entire lifetime paralyzed. And after she dies, a computer sim of her plays out a happier scenario. Miley Cyrus’s character, on the other hand, spent a few months in a coma, and then came out of it a pop-rock superstar with a very long life in the real world ahead of her. One is unplugged and dies, the other is unplugged and freed. One is poignant, the other is escapist. One is the bittersweet coda to a life whose possibilities were stolen, the other is a Disney Channel movie.

And Don’t Get Me Started on Miley covering Trent Reznor. It comes off more as positioning for Cyrus rather than helpful to the story.

Also, it’s tempting to suggest that SJ being overtly really gay – well, lesbian – helps it win over our – and Hollywood’s – hearts, but Pride Month is hardly the appropriate time for such a discursion, right? RJ&A2 may have some feminist subtext, but it seem to connect with audiences about as well as Hillary’s “I'm With Her” campaign, so…

Anyway, SWEET JEEBUS have I gone on and on and on. That’s more than enough tangent and blather for now.

To recap: yay British sensibilities and unknown British actors, less celebrities and Hollywood publicists, and perhaps we’re back on track for greatness.

And if we only get high-quality goodness instead of greatness, that’s okay with me. We’ll always have San Junipero.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. Don’t forget to hit Like and Subscribe!

#blessed

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centaurianthropology · 7 years

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The Magnus Archives ‘High Pressure’ (S02E11) Analysis

Diving! Deep sea mysteries! The return of a mysterious old antagonist and some immense Lovecraftian horror, and a few answers (that raise more questions) about one of the assistants. This one hits all my buttons, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Come on in to read my take on ‘High Pressure’.

So we immediately get immersed in the fascinating world of deep-sea salvage, which is a departure from many of the more mundane jobs we hear about often in TMA. I don’t know if the writer has ever done scuba before, but his descriptions continue to be one of the highlights of the show. The level of obvious care in research and in detailing the job and the situation make it all the more immersive when things go wrong. And that’s critical, because the descent into horror (literally as well as figuratively this time) could seem slow, but instead builds a sense of dread that pays off in beautiful, unexpected ways.

I immediately hurried over to the Wiki page for ‘The Bosun’s Call’ as soon as I realized it was another story about the sea, as I thought that her captain, Kemp, might have been in that one as well. No such luck, but there was a callback to an old episode. The salvage crew was hired to find the yacht owned by the grandfather of the mysterious Simon Fairchild, last heard from in ‘Freefall’. We knew very little about Fairchild, aside from that he seemed to have vanished, was involved with someone being eaten by the sky, and was a pseudonym for something.

So it was exciting to draw him deeper into the web of mystery that is this expanding and complicated universe (and indeed he seems as deeply enmeshed in the wider world of TMA as it is possible to be). It’s interesting that both of the stories he’s featured in involve diving. One skydiving, the other deep sea diving.

Moreover, there are definitely similarities between the situations in ‘Freefall’ and ‘High Pressure’. Both involve people in dangerous professions that involve descent. But while ‘Freefall’ was about a man who was temporarily—and then not so temporarily—trapped in a world of endless sky, this ocean, though as empty as that sky, did have a bottom, and a particularly creepy sunken wreck from the 1890s called the Maria Fairchild.

Our protagonist, Antonia Hayley, found a hole in the hull while exploring the ship to recover heirlooms. The hole seemed to have been torn out from the inside, and the water beyond was far darker than it ought to have been. When Antonia looked through that hole, she seemed to have been transported to the twilight zone of the ocean, or at least an endless expanse of crushing water similar to the twilight zone of our own oceans. In this ocean, as there was in the endless sky, there was no life and no surface, no up or down; just an endless expanse of water. The light was so dim as to be almost useless, but she made out, stretching as far as her vision could reach, an impossibly large, impossibly distant hand. Even as it began to move, she bumped against the sharp hull next to her, and came back from whatever terrifying place she had been. There is no word on what happened beyond that, as she was overcome by the bends. Her diving partner and Simon Fairchild both seem to have disappeared.

Lore-wise, this one is rich, and ties together two surprising stories: ‘Literary Heights’ and ‘Freefall.’ Yet again, we have the impossibly large, impossibly distant being as a motif, now perhaps real albeit in some other, endless ocean. We have the same language of impossible immensity used in ‘Literary Heights’, the same despairing smallness.

But what does that mean? Leitner seems more and more like a hub, a collector for all the impossible things that exist in this world, and a collector who imposes no restrictions and no safeties on the acquisition of knowledge. We had the being made of lightning, first, and now we have at least one and possibly more than one being of impossible vastness. Again I wonder if Leitner isn’t providing some sort of transport or access to other worlds through his books, and allowing other worlds access to ours. And I wonder how Leitner’s abilities, seemingly more based in his collection than himself, relate to those of Simon Fairchild. He too, if we’re getting properly Lovecraftian, has keys to the Outer Gates, and we’re dealing with some serious Great Old Ones. And more interestingly, this seems to be a family affair, with his grandfather having the same access to that endless ocean that he did to endless sky. I wonder what might have lurked in that sky, if we’d had a first-hand account of Robert Kelly.

It’s also possible that Simon Fairchild is not the grandson of the man who owned the ship, but was himself that man. We have Sims’ account that there was a con-artist thrown to his death from a window in the 1930s, linked to a minor haunting he himself investigated as one of his first cases as an Institute Researcher in 2012, who went by the same alias. While it may well be just a coincidence, I somehow doubt that the previous Simon Fairchild would have been introduced if he wasn’t somehow involved in the larger story of this one. There do seem to be records of the Fairchild family, at least. They appear extremely wealthy, with links to aerospace and deep sea drilling, perpetuating that strange link to the sky and sea, and the strange vast places he seems to have access to. That puts me in mind of the Lukas family, and I do have to wonder if these two dangerous, strange families ever crossed paths.

Not-Sasha

On another note, we got a bit more on Sasha, or well … we didn’t. It turns out that, despite personally requesting her to work in the Archives, Sims didn’t actually know anything about her beyond that she started out in Artifact Storage, and still knows nothing more than the brief biography we got earlier this season.

But if we got very little from the real Sasha, we got a surprising, if small, insight into Not-Sasha. It seems she has a more complicated relationship with the table than we initially imagined, claiming that the sort of thing that took over Graham didn’t seem the sort to allow itself to be bound to an object. I have to think that, by extension, pertains to Not-Sasha. She’s bound to that table against her will, putting me even more in mind of Michael and the beings that are also places. If the table isn’t actually the origin of Not-Sasha, where did her kind come from, and how are they linked to that table? Is it at all possible that our Sasha is in that table, and still alive?

I also find it interesting that, despite her implied frustration with the table, Not-Sasha spends hours staring at it. What is she trying to do when she looks at it? She claims it’s not a fractal, but a web. And Sims, to my surprise, agreed that they were all trapped by it. What did he mean by that? At least he seems smart enough to request that Sasha’s access to that table be limited. At last I might see if my speculation that Elias actually knows about Not-Sasha and is studying her might be borne out or totally refuted. Either way, I really want to know how both he and Not-Sasha react to this.

Also, why does Not-Sasha take extra-long lunch breaks in Mme Toussand’s wax museum? Dare I dream of a multi-voice exploration of a wax museum? An archival staff field trip?

A girl can dream.

Conclusions

The horror itself was deliciously Lovecraftian, and took a really chilling turn with that impossibly immense hand. I think we might finally be scraping the surface of the wider, WIDER universe at play here. The idea that there is an ecosystem of monsters and horrors has been floated before, and seems all the more valid now that we’ve caught glimpses of being far vaster and likely far more uncaring of our existence or our world than either Jane or Michael. This is the fear, not of the unknown, but of the unknowable. Of something so immense and so alien that we cannot comprehend even a single one of its hands. That is exactly the sort of horror that excites me the most!

We also got some great snippets about Not-Sasha, and more about Simon Fairchild, who definitely seems to be a big player in whatever game is going on in this universe. What exactly he can do and why is a mystery I’m eager to hear more about. I also really want to find out how he ties in with the Lukases or with Leitner. More and more surprising links are being forged in this series, and I feel like we’re seeing this universe the same way that Antonia saw that impossibly large being in the endless ocean: the shadow of an outline of a single limb has been shown. We can’t even begin to guess the shape of the thing beyond, and can only speculate as to its enormity.

Hell of an episode, this one.

#The Magnus Archives #analysis

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starwarslegacies · 6 years

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Survey Says, Part IV, Finale

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to get people to fill out a survey which I do 1-3 times a year, these often do have impact in choosing how the sim moves forward. Bit behind on these results like many other things!

Believe we’re on question #10

10 asked, Events: What do you prefer? (Can choose more than one)

78% PVE, blend of combat and story

63.4% PVP

63.4% PVE, primarily story

58.8% Social, Pazaak, Racing,etc

31.7% PVE, combat focused.

Can see above we have a fairly diverse player base in what they like to do. We’re a bit short on storytellers right now so if you or someone you know may fit that role, do let me know.

Then #11 asked “ What social event would you like to see more of?”

By far the favorites here were Swoop Racing and Fights. The downside to swoop racing is that everytime someone loads into sim it causes a few second delay for everyone, but if people are willing to deal with that we can definitely hold more races. As for the fights we have a “Pit Fighting League” under construction in which people will be able to earn credits by having sanctioned matches which they can do at any time and submit logs (though limited in how many they can do). It will also have tournaments and champions. Every fight done can potentially increase someones placing within the league to lead to bigger prizes at the end of the season. Still seeking some help managing this. Pazaak didn’t get as much love but we do like doing those as they are an easy social thing to throw together. Some of the other answers included a desire to see more tech rolls in the events, then someone mentioned more like Sume’s Valentine day event, then someone even mentioned music. We’re open to ideas and do support players who want to run something.

Last thing we asked was #12: Any other general thoughts you'd like to share? Please keep brief/to the point.

Lot of responses so I’ll select a few without getting redundant.

“Ensure that the system you have in place does not need certain players online. I.E, Ive been trying to get my Imperial I.D, and cannot. “ - Anon#1

I think this was fixed so that there is an automated version?

“ I’d love to see the trash piles spawn more often and/or give out more resources. This is invaluable to new players, as gaining credits was quite tough for me and many others at first. The trash is a good way to start up from nothing, but I feel it should spawn slightly more than 1-10 Credits or 1 crafting resource; especially with how rare they are right now. “ - Anon#2

I agree, been asking Renward about this type of thing but he’s been very busy.

“ when chars are arrested very little if any rp is done after the initial arrest. No interrogation. No release. This needs to change. “ - Anon#3

I find captures are often very hit or miss.

“ I have never RP'd anywhere else before and this is the most fun I have had on Secondlife so far in 11 years. The main draw of this sim to me is the amount of people who actively use it. I could not see myself RPing in a sim with a low amount of active players. Getting new players and retaining old players is the most important thing to me. I have no real ideas on how to do this though. Good luck!” - Anon#4

Thank you, we do our best with that, sometimes more difficult than others but we’ve been able to maintain for around half a decade, let’s go for a whole one :d

“ I loveloveLOVE the build but I noticed it's very graphics laggy. I also noticed that while you use teleporters to essentially skyboxes with the building interiors, those interiors are still directly behind the building facades. If you moved them out of draw distance and spaced them out, the sim would be a lot easier to render for everyone. Less lag, higher framerates, more fun! “ - Anon#5

The reason I do tend to do this is I find if something is out of cam range, people are less likely to enter, you do give a valid argument though and will consider further.

“ Having mentors/mediators would be really helpful to take a lot of the load off the staff on sim. So then they can focus on the cool stuff, like building the lore, and actual problems. “ - #Anon#6

Yeah, would like to find a few more.

“ I'm concerned about the system being an element that pulls players from the immersion of their RP. As medical personnel i'm also still concerned with the 'reset' feature on health causing individuals to not be prompted to seek medical attention for their injuries. It is a handy system for varying stats, offering abilities and providing a more structured combat basis but it would be helpful if there was an easier application for it than typing in commands. If there were an attachable HUD for the Chimera available upon entry to the sim which offered either buttons for Chimera options or a drop-down menu to choose from it might help expedite system use in combat, speed up combat, and make the experience more enjoyable overall. Spending hours in combat can sometimes be exhausting and take away from time desired for other aspects of RP. “ - #Anon7

Post this, we did take action about the reset button and have taken a few other steps as well to increase realistic recovery from injury and people using medical services. May still see more in this area.

“ With regards to conscent, reasonable right to life and consequence. Dont do something that would get you arrested, and deny consent. “ - #Anon8

Yeah, would agree on that, you may see changes in that area very soon. We’re behind on many things we’d like to do.

“ I feel like I’d personally be more invested if there was more for the Jedi to do. So far all we have to do is be captured or whatnot. It was fun for a bit but I think a lack of leadership for a while has made it hard. I hope this changes soon. “ - #Anon9

It is a difficult era for Jedi players, we knew that going in but we wanted to try something different. We are always shaking things up though so you could see things evolve in the future.

“ Lot of trolls get into the sim/rp. Gets a bit annoying. Might just be an issue all over SL, though. “ #Anon10

It is, but I find “trolls” are fairly easy to tune out/ignore/etc. The only time trolls have power is when people take the bait and react. They usually knock it off once they know it doesn’t get to you. To use my own example a few used to give me a hard time for engaging in sexual roleplay, they would take pictures and IM me these pictures. I laughed, and just got more lewd, like who cares? and they stopped making a thing of it.. so I just find trolls pretty easy to ward off or ignore. Always more concerned with those who create and stir drama than I am with trolls. Drama kills sim dead, trolling is just irritating.

“ Well , if you ask to me , there should be much more various social events .. Also before the events such as pazaak there should be courses before he game night so people could have an idea about what they are doing . About the groups , you shouldnt bring some strangers as directors , you should pick them from the group according to their activeness. Also you should appreciate or make a system to appreciate employees such as [redacted] employees .. I have been in group for two months i think and i am still security guard. No rank-ups .. And i have been coming online and standing as a guard almost everyday . Thanks for your patience and reading this. Good luck about the sim.. “ - #Anon11

If there are those who have been active and also have leadership ability then they will be. Having the skills needed for leadership is not something every active player has. This could be because their temper is too short, or maybe they do not work well with other group leads to be able to create interactive roleplay, or maybe they just are lazy or a variety of other reasons. If we have someone who handles lead roles well, yes, at times they will leap frog if there isn’t a suitable candidate within X group.

“ If there is a time jump done, people need a way to get the most out of the 5+ year missing time. Something to encourage them to write up story for their characters for that time. After they've done so and handed it in, could lead towards special rewards for their character or the player. Something to think over. “ - #Anon12

I very much like this idea if we ever have one of those. There currently is not one planned but like I’ve said, we’re always willing to change and adapt to do what’s best for activity.

----

DONE. Thank you to everyone who filled it out, really enjoy the feedback as it helps us figure how we can improve things for you all.

#SWL #SecondLife #StarWars #SWRP #Roleplay #Coruscant

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perminas-archive · 7 years

Text

tl;dr

Mom,

So this is going to be a super long, super emotional one. Brace yourself! I love you so much, unconditionally.

I have inattentive type ADD. There is no way you could have known that. Almost all the research on kids with ADD/ADHD when I was growing up was geared towards prepubescent boys with ADHD.

Girls with inattentive type ADD don't usually present symptoms until after puberty, and they aren't hyperactive.

Girls with inattentive type ADD who are highly intelligent and interested in school and who are competitive, even today, go unnoticed because for a long time, because schoolbook intelligence and a competitive instinct can mask symptoms.

Girls with inattentive type ADD are super interested in conforming to what a girl should be, because all girls grow up with that kind of damage. The research on girls with inattentive type ADD began to be published in 2008-2009, by which time I was already in college.

It may seem weird to think that I have ADD because I have so many obsessive interests. You've heard me play the same song 12 times in a row (at a generous minimum), obsessively fiddling with the volume. I can play the Sims or World of Warcraft for 12 hours straight. I can finish a book in a day.

But ADD comes with the ability to hyperfocus, and if you're interested in school, you can hyperfocus on it. You can knock out a 10-page research paper in a few hours. Which is what I did, all the way through high school and college, while bringing a novel to classes I didn't like. Because I was just a genius, right? It made sense that someone so highly intelligent would work that way, Nutty Professor style. Hyperfocus also sometimes means you get so obsessed with a video game or a TV show that you call in sick to work because you can't stop playing or watching - you really can't stop. That happens too. I can't explain why I can't stop, but I need you to believe that I CAN'T. I CAN'T. It's too deep.

For highly intelligent inattentive type ADD girls, apparently the only place it really shows up young is (a) inability to follow pattern-based social rules and (b) failure in areas where there is a lack of interest but not ability.

I remember Dad saying "You're not bad at math. You just don't like it and you're not trying." I didn't believe him at the time, but now I do, because I can take a differential in calculus as long as I have a funny teacher.

Girls with inattentive type ADD show signs mostly after puberty, beginning at 11-12. These signs may not be things you think of as ADD - failure in class, inability to focus on school, resistance to learning, anger-related behavioral problems at home. Instead it often looks more like inability to finish chores, problems with grooming, problems with keeping one's room clean, problems with maintaining friendships, problems with relationships and intimacy, problems with bringing home forms from school that aren't crushed into your pocket, covered in crumbs, five days late - a total inability to focus on things that don't interest you. Basic kid stuff, but weirdly stretched through adolescence. Sound familiar? Sound super familiar? The kind of thing that makes you feel like a failure as a mother?

(Sorry. That's my only intentional jab. That one haunts me. I know you know it does and you didn't mean it. But it stuck around, and it will for the rest of my life.)

Inattentive type ADD, particularly in intelligent girls, also comes with increased sensitivity to rejection and criticism, possibly because children with ADD know they're different from other kids but can't prove or articulate it. When they hear things like "You're smarter than this," "I don't know what you were thinking," and "How could you be so careless?" they don't think "My behavior was wrong." They think "There is something wrong with me. Aren't I smarter than this? What was I thinking? Why was I so careless? I don't understand, and everyone is talking to me like this is a decision I made to be careless and stupid and disrespectful, but I'm still not completely sure what it was that I thought wrong that turned into an action. It seems more like I felt and thought wrong from the get-go. There must be something deeply wrong with me." And they can't explain it, because even though they know what they're experiencing with learning in school and at home is different from other kids, they don't really know why. They think it's something wrong with them at a level too deep to be corrected. It has to be masked, particularly with girls, because a problem like that that you can't fix is a reason not to love you.

When I was growing up, you and Dad had a major focus on lectures as opposed to physical punishment, which was great. The lectures tended to focus on guilt as a mechanism to correct behavior. THIS PROBABLY WOULD HAVE WORKED WITH NORMAL KIDS! But it doesn't with a kid who inherently feels that she is wrong and her actions are wrong, full stop. Guilt becomes associated to the person, not the action. Guilt turns into shame.

This is a list of traits of adult women who were subject to "shame-based parenting," aka you, or regular parenting that focused on personal responsibility, aka me:

1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear exposure of self.

2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.

3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door, prepared to run.

4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.

5. Adults shamed as children feel that, “No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable.”

6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.

7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.

8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt. These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.

9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.

10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.

11. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.

12. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.

13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.

14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.

15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.

16. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.

17. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholism, eating disorders, shopping, substance-abuse, list-making or gambling.

18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.

19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.

20. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.

21. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.

Every single item on this list is true of me. When I read it for the first time, I felt like I was having a truly religious moment of clarity. Every single thing. Reading back over it now, I wonder if you aren't having the same feelings about yourself and your own horrifying mother, who was actually engaging in some truly disgusting shame-based parenting. No one should ever call a kid Dummy. You're brilliant, and I'm sure you were as a kid. I love talking to you. I recommend books and podcasts to you, NEVER Dad, because you're smart enough and aware enough to get them, and not an asshole.

Like, I get that she was your mom and you must have loved her. But from every story you've ever told me about her, I hate her for your sake. She was awful to you. You deserved so much better. Thank God for Paul. He's the only person I've ever seen in your life who truly tries to validate you other than me, and my validation is of VERY LATE ORIGIN. You are valid. You're so smart, and so good.

When I was about 11 or 12, I had an epiphany that shaped the rest of my life. It was a false epiphany, for the record. I thought that you didn't actually see me when you were trying to fix me. I convinced myself that you had imagined a better daughter, one with potential and who was capable of change. I knew that person wasn't me. Every time you talked to me about the things that were wrong, I knew for a fact I couldn't fix it, no matter how simple it was. I knew that no matter how hard I tried to force it, I couldn't really change the person I was. I had already tried. I'd tried and tried and I wasn't getting better.

I imagined that I was two people: Charlotte, the real me, the mean, ugly, bitchy, hateful person who fucked up constantly and resented everyone and talked back; and Charlotte Prime, the imaginary daughter who fucked up but had potential, who could be more if she chose, who was loved by her parents, who was capable of change and would grow up right and beautiful. Charlotte Prime seemed like a stranger, but she was also the beloved one.

I convinced myself that you only saw Charlotte Prime. You looked at me and saw the potential. You looked at me and thought how much better and happier I could be if I cut away the bad stuff, the inability to look after myself physically, the meanness, the moods. You didn't know that I, the real Charlotte, even existed. You loved a completely separate, imaginary person as your daughter. You looked at me and loved Charlotte Prime, not me. I couldn't ever let you know I wasn't her. I didn't know if you'd still love me if you figured out I wasn't her and she didn't exist.

I knew (thought) I couldn't change and couldn't cut away the bad stuff. I was killing myself day in and day out to be the perfect dinner guest, to be pretty, to be soft-spoken and charming, to be cute at all times. And it wasn't working. I was intelligent and charming, but I was still brash, dirty, ugly, disrespectful, and according to you and Dad extremely prone to challenge you with sarcasm (which I don't actually remember doing, mostly I assume because I didn't realize I was doing it). But I thought I could probably fake enough change to get by. I'm a decent liar. I could force the ugly parts of me you wanted to cut away small enough that you wouldn't see them, that you'd think I'd fixed them. I could look like Charlotte Prime if nobody looked long enough. I would just have to let the bad parts out in small ways when nobody was looking - eating all the chocolate chips in the kitchen and blaming it on Dad, buying junk food from the vending machines at school with change from the couch and cars, being mean to my friends, hiding in my room all the time so you couldn't see me.

When I was 16, on Mother's Day at Hooters, we had some kind of tiff I don't remember and I was trying to explain myself, and you were (to me, at the time, smugly) justifying your position. And I thought: "Just roll over. Just let her have it. It's not worth it and you'll be out in two years."

That thought carried through the rest of my life. Just let her have it. Just let her be right. Not because she's stupid and it's easier to tell her she's right; but because she's fiercely intelligent, and she'll figure out your lie about Charlotte Prime if you don't let her be right, because you need this lie to survive.

I really, really didn't think you'd love me if you ever figured out I was a monster. If I really was that person who couldn't wash her hair or clean her room. That was wrong and untrue. I know now that you'd love me even if I sent you a text full of pictures of people I'd serial-killed.

But I still knew (thought) that something was wrong with me fundamentally. That I had to demonstrate goodness that was not my own to be worthy of love, to pretend to be the person you loved at all.

I went to Dad's confirmation in the church in April of some year, and I was really sick but felt I had to come anyway. I thought I had to, as a condition of parental love. You didn't put that on me. I put it on myself. I was very sick.

At the confirmation, I got so sick that I couldn't stop coughing and went into the sacristy or the guest lounge or something to avoid further disruption. You followed me, and were so honestly concerned by my health that I ended up confessing that I had never felt good enough for you, and showing up at the confirmation was an attempt at being good enough.

You were sympathetic for a bit and tried to comfort me, but eventually screamed "DON'T YOU PUT THAT SHIT ON ME" re: my feelings of inadequacy and fled the room. And I was, of course, miserable. I couldn't stop crying. After a while I came back out, still crying, dreading you'd see my emotion as a manipulation. I understand your feelings too, I think. You've always thought of me as smarter and better than yourself. To hear that I felt inferior must have been severely jarring and a significant reverse of what you thought was going on. My emotions and behavior might have looked like manipulation, because your own mother manipulated you that way.

But you're my mother. I love you. Maybe I didn't explain it correctly - I was in a monster mood last time. I felt wrong, and I was trying to confess the lie about Charlotte Prime without fully articulating it. You running out on me hurt me deeply. I haven't been able to fully trust you since then. I actually don't know if I can again. I thought it was the end. I thought you figured it out, that I wasn't ever going to turn into the person you loved, Charlotte Prime with all her potential. You were stuck with your ugly, vicious daughter. And you didn't even like her, much less love her.

I could never trust you again. Not because you're untrustworthy - but because you had figured it out. It was as if you were my mother, but I wasn't your daughter.

You've heard me talk about my depression and anxiety as "chemical" mostly because yoga and fruit doesn't fix it. It's something deep in me that can't be corrected by a simple behavioral change. It's intense, easily triggered, and mostly uncontrollable. But I wasn't born with it - maybe with a predisposition to it, but not with it in my brain. Inattentive type ADD and the neuroses that accompany highly intelligent girls throughout their lives develops into depression and anxiety on an extremely regular basis. A lot of the research into girls with inattentive type ADD came after treating adult women with anxiety and depression who responded better to antidepressants combined with ADD medication that gave them the ability to focus. Difficulty focusing is also a depressive trait.

Learning to hate yourself young changes your brain forever. Staying hating yourself when you've grown up changes the way you think, changes the balance of chemicals in your brain. It's the opposite of what happens when someone believes so intensely in faith healing they shrink their tumors. I made myself sick, unconsciously.

I'm still sick. I know what I did, but I can't fix it yet. I can't even completely stop the patterns of thinking that make me sicker. When you and Dad would lecture me, I took from those lectures that feeling horrible was a part of correcting the problem, maybe the most important part - something was wrong with me, but feeling horrible would sink into my bones and fix it over time. I started yelling at myself in my head in your voice whenever I made mistakes, because I thought feeling horrible enough about it would deter me from it in the future. That's still a primary method of self-correction for me. It's only in the last year or two that I recognized I didn't need to do that. Feeling wretched wasn't a part of fixing the problem. It just made me feel (horrible and) helpless, which actually prevented me from fixing the problem.

That's what I mean when I say I hear your voice in my head every day. I hear myself yelling in your voice, because when I was growing up I learned that hearing yelling and feeling horrible was a fundamental part of correcting the bad behavior I couldn't control that made me wrong, bad, different from other kids, that I had to hide or else you wouldn't love me, because you'd figure it out. I had to take over from you so you'd think I was changing. I had to be the person doing the yelling, and it had to sound like you, so I could be scared enough and controlled enough in your presence to fake Charlotte Prime.

I still think that way. At work, I also feel like there's me, Charlotte, who makes tons of mistakes, gossips, spends an hour bullshitting with the admins instead of working, comes in late, forgets about projects, has to come in weekends to make up time. And then there's Charlotte Prime, who's well-spoken, intelligent, who the partners love, who is capable of editing out the "careless" (ADD) errors in her work and eventually fulfilling her potential as a perfect paralegal. They hired Charlotte Prime. I feel like I'm running a scam all the time. No matter how many times they tell me they love me and I can't ever quit, I feel like they're talking to Charlotte Prime. If they knew it was me, Charlotte, they were talking to, they wouldn't bother. Prime has all the potential. Charlotte has all the attitude and mistakes.

I do love my new meds. I was previously on Zoloft, an SSRI, which I hated, because it did nothing for me. Then I was on Wellbutrin, a mood stabilizer and antidepressant, that half worked. Now I'm on Pristiq, which is on the label used to treat both depression and ADD/ADHD. I've actually noticed my focus and concentration improving. It's miraculous. It's not perfect, and I think I want to talk to my shrink about a supplement that is pure ADD medication, but it's such an improvement, because it's actually treating the base cause, not the symptom. Being able to read a simple 10-page estate-planning document all the way through without getting distracted because I didn't care was a bizarre and amazing experience. I felt like I was ascending - like I could become Prime. Prime wasn't a stranger anymore. She was me, medicated. Maybe I wasn't tricking everyone. Maybe I really could become her, but the way I was trying to get there had to be rethought.

I still pretty much think I'm tricking everyone. But it's getting easier to believe that people might honestly love the real me, the fuckup, and to integrate my good behavior self with my bad behavior self, especially as I get older and realize that everyone else is a fuckup too. They might not have ADD to contend with, but by god they've got something. People are all so weird and such idiots and I love them all so much. I love working in an office and living in apartment buildings and being in the city because everyone around you is held artificially close, and you get to see them fucking up and being weird.

These days, I'm focusing on recognizing when I'm yelling at myself in my head and saying "You don't need to do that. That isn't fixing the problem, it's just making you panic. You'll be more effective at fixing the problem if you stop yelling at yourself." Because even as I'm getting better at recognizing my worth, I still primarily feel like fixing the problem in my behavior is more important than my happiness, but I'm getting closer. I really like Charlie, my new therapist. I don't know if he likes me, but I know he doesn't dislike me the way Julie did. And I think it's better if a therapist doesn't absolutely love you. My first two therapists thought I was the bee's knees, and when it came time to terminate, something weird happened that I think is best encapsulated by this quote from an episode of This American Life:

Terry Gross: In your chapter about your therapist, you have a great description of yourself when describing your thoughts after telling the therapist that you are going to stop seeing him. And I’d like you to read that for us.

David Rakoff: Yes. This is when he— I’m not talking about terminating. I seem to be avoiding the topic. And finally he stops me one day. I’m ranting about, I think, human rights in China or something like that. And he finally says, look, we’ve got to talk about you terminating. This is a big thing.

"Turning things around, I asked him what his feelings were about our ending things. ‘I’m incredibly angry,’ he responded fondly. ‘How dare you. You should at least have to come and have coffee with me once a week.’ I asked if he felt this way about most of his patients. ‘Not really,’ he responded.

Sigh. Should you happen to be possessed of a certain verbal acuity coupled with a relentless hair trigger humor and surface cheer spackling over a chronic melancholia and loneliness— a grotesquely caricatured version of your deepest self which you trot out at the slightest provocation to endearing and glib comic effect, thus rendering you the kind of fellow who is beloved by all yet loved by none, all of it to distract, however fleetingly, from the cold and dead-faced truth that with each passing year you face the unavoidable certainty of a solitary future in which you will perish one day while vainly attempting the Heimlich maneuver on yourself over the back of the kitchen chair— then this confirmation that you have triumphed again and managed to gull yet another mark, except this time it was the one person you’d hoped might be immune to your ever-creakier, puddle-shallow, sideshow-barker variation on ‘adorable,’ even though you’d been launching this campaign weekly with a single-minded concentration from day one— well, it conjures up feelings that are best described as mixed, to say the least.”

I'm getting better at that. I care if Charlie likes me, because I care if anyone likes me, but I don't care if Charlie likes me at the expense of the truth. I don't lie to him. I don't focus on being charming. I focus on getting better.

I think I'm getting better. I think it's going to take a long fucking time, which is frustrating because I want results NOW. But I'm getting better. I'm never going to be Prime, but I can integrate the two mes. I can be good enough. I am good enough. Everyone makes mistakes, and mine aren't a symbol of my wrongness. They're a symptom.

HMB has really been game-changing for me. I've never worked in an office where I was considered smart and valuable enough to make up for my constant stream of mistakes, or at least where I recognized that people felt that way about me. I still feel like I'm running a scam and people can't possibly see all the mistakes or I'd be fired, but I've fucked up, visibly, hugely, and not been shamed for it - I just fix the error and demonstrate that I'm trying to improve, and I'm forgiven. And I'm finally starting to see other people of my age and my ability making similar mistakes. Some of my mistakes are the ADD or other stuff at work, but a ton of them are about being human. Growing up, hating my mistakes, I convinced myself that other people didn't make them at all, which in retrospect is completely insane. Of course everyone makes mistakes. But when I can see Izabela transposing numbers in our billing, it's like heroin. She did it too! Type-A Izabela occasionally misreads numbers, so maybe it's not a function of my wrongness that I do too. Maybe it's just something that happens.

I'm getting better. I'm getting better. I can be better. This isn't forever. Honestly, if you've ever worried about me being suicidal, know this: I've always been permanently optimistic about precisely one thing, which is that no matter how miserable I am now, my life may someday get better. I can't kill myself because I don't know the future and I don't want to miss out. And I AM getting better. It's happening. Sometimes I think about suicide in an offhand, what-if, "A Christmas Story" way, but it's never been a real idea. I've never truly considered it. And I'm glad, because I can get better. I'm never fully going to be able to morph into Charlotte Prime, but that's also OK. Everyone has some kind of damage, and I can manage my own. I can actually get it smaller through different methodology. I can change the way it affects me, change the way I think. I already have - being able to tell myself yelling internally isn't helpful was a game-changer too. I see a future where I'm OK. I know you love me, Charlotte. I know, somewhere deep down, that Charlotte with all her fuckups is the person my coworkers and friends see. Charlotte Prime is my own monster in the closet. I love people the most when I can see their dark spots. When I found your diary in high school and realized you had been an alcoholic, I loved you more, because you were fucking up. I thought: oh my God, she's like me. She's a human, not a demigod. We're the same on some level. She has a Prime, too. Why can't she tell that I love my own human mother more than Mom Prime? Why does she have to pretend all the time?

You know why.

I love you so much. Thank you for being my mom. You did an amazing job. The way I thought about myself wasn't your fault. It was something you couldn't have known, because my every hour was dedicated to concealing it and nursing it internally and there was no guidebook. I'm so glad I went to therapy as an adult and could figure it out. I don't know who I would be without it. I'm glad you went to therapy, divorced Dad, married Paul. You're leveling up too.

I love you.

#personal #long post

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