#y'all are some poetic motherfuckers

[issuesdolly]

Jonathan Davis Plays KINKY Hide & Seek with You

Warning: explicit/sensitive content, deviant theme, 18+ Smut, foreplay, fingering, male/female sex, unprotected sex, p in v, finishing inside, praise & degredation, edging/denial, fear kink, adrenaline kink, BDSM, exhibition kink, public/nature sex... Overall, A LOT IS GOING ON IN THIS STORY 🤣💀

#jonathandavis  #jonathan davis #korn #jon davis #fanfic #fanfiction #smut #fem reader #x reader #edging #degredation kink #degredation #jondavis #exhibitionkink #edging #edginganddenial #fear kink #bdsmkink #bdsmplay #adrenalinekink

Summary: You are Jonathan's girlfriend and it's the last day of your RV camping trip. You are parked on the beach and reminiscing about his past sexual kinks. You decide you want to let him try a game on you: a naughty, fear-laden version of hide and seek. But, his version is a LOT more than you bargained for. You explore a fear/adrenaline kink and let him take control.... All  in all you have a very interesting night together. 

Preface: My other JD fanfics are more "normal" if you wanna check those. This one's not for everybody. In real life, JD talks about various kinks/deviancies in interviews. His Penthouse interview, JD said “I’m the kinkiest motherfucker you’ll ever meet. I do freaky, weird shit” and he provided some BDSM examples. His Playboy interview, he talks a bit about morbid/fear kink games and degredation/control games he's played with women who wanted that with him.

If you google JD's explanation of his song, “My Gift to You," he explains he and his girl enjoyed a fear/adrenaline/death kink & played "games":

Korn songs like "My Gift to You," "Last Legal Drug" (Le Petit Mort) and "Beat it Upright" inspired this fanfic. 

My “Kinky Hide & Seek” theme for this story is particularly inspired by Korn’s “Beat it Upright” where JD sings stuff like "Are you reading for a good pounding, baby? ...I will spank that ass just for fun," and “We're going on a ride….I'm gonna turn you inside out, upside down….Don't try to run and hide.” JD definitely throws a little BDSM/rough play/fear stuff into his sexual songs. 

My story is also inspired by his lyrics in “Last Legal Drug,” where he’s giving spooky commands to a woman during sex-– “when you come, be a good girl, hold your breath, make it last long…It’s a mess, and it’s called ‘the little death,’ girl.” 

So… ‘poetic license’ and a bit of my own deviancy/past 'adventures' is worked into this story. Sorry y'all haha. 

Story: 

You and Jonathan had thought there was going to be an additional day of your RV camping trip before he had to get back to Los Angeles. But, he got a call earlier that evening letting him know he had to start driving back first thing and be in the studio by tomorrow evening, so sadly the two of you realized tonight would be the last night of the trip. Your RV was parked on the beach in a remote tourist destination, near a mossy, coastal treeline. It's dusk and the two of you are sitting across from each other in folding chairs, eating dinner outside the camper. 

"I'm so disappointed tonight's going to be our last night for awhile," you said to him.

"Me too sweetie. Me... fuckin....too," Jonathan said in a resigned tone. 

The two of you had definitely "made the most" of this camping trip with lots of sex and romantic time together. But you still had kind of an empty feeling, knowing this would be your last night together for some time. You wanted the trip to end with some kind of bang. You started asking him some dirty questions out of curiosity. 

"So, we've... done some freaky stuff together, huh?" you began. 

Jonathan cracked a naughty smirk and chuckled, "yeah..you could say that... kind of...." he trailed off. 

"KIND of?" you replied, curious. 

"I mean.... I've definitely not shown you everything. Didn't wanna freak you out," Jonathan continued, looking down at the sand. 

"Well.... I'm in a weird mood tonight. I kind of want to end this trip with a bang...." you admitted. 

Jon paused. He had been bouncing his leg and fidgeting around. Suddenly he got very still and slowly looked up at you. 

"You're... gonna have to be a bit more specific, dear," Jon said in a naughty voice. 

"Ummm.... well..... we've... you've.. chased me around and stuff, been, ya know... rough from time to time? When I asked you to?" you said. 

"Yeeahhhh?" Jon said slowly... in a sly, questioning tone. 

"And.... I know you've been a lot freakier in the past. Like.. how you and your ex… well, you guys played creepy sex games? She would leave spooky notes on your pillow like- 25 ways she wants to kill you... and ....you had dark fantasies about stuff you wanted to do to her? You guys had like.... a fear kink? Death kink?" you inquired. 

Jon stared at the ground, darkly chuckling as he recalled some "fond" memories and nodded his head. "Yeah... yeah we did," he admitted.  

"Well... I was curious," You confessed. "I’m curious about.... fear and control games..I... I don't know! But-uh... I want to know," you admitted, stumbling over your words. 

"Yeah....? " Jon said quietly while looking back up at you. Jon began to explain:

"It's definitely kinda dark…...You're not ACTUALLY gonna get hurt, not MUCH anyway," he said with a sly chuckle. "But it's just... getting off together on scaring and controlling one another. One of you takes the lead... someone’s dominant, someone's submissive" he continued.  

"I wanna try some of that tonight," you admitted, very curious and pretty aroused. 

Jon froze. His smile faded a little as he looked at you with wide eyes, and a good amount of surprise.  

"What... like, you wanna, tie me to a chair tonight and have your way with me, haha?" he asked while laughing. 

"No... no, I want you to take control and..... SCARE me," you admitted, rather embarrassed. 

There was dead silence while the two of you looked at each other. 

"Um.... are you sure?" Jon asked, somewhat stunned....fidgeting.   

"Yeah. I want you to scare me tonight…..In-in a good way," you said as your face turned red.

Jon looked back down at the sand and shifted his legs around. 

"Hmmmm....well…. That’s… a WHOLE spectrum.....HOW scared?" he said in a low, naughty voice while cracking a big smirk. 

Your voice caught in your throat: ".....freak me out Jon," you begged. "I.....I want you to freak me THE FUCK out.....I want you SCARE me….and, a-and then fuck me," you admitted, unable to even look him in the eye as you said it. 

More awkward silence. You dared to look up at his face. His knee was bouncing up and down and he kept staring at the ground while grinning, shaking his head in amazement. Eventually, Jon cleared his throat.... stood up from his folding chair and crouched down in front of you, holding your knees and locking eyes with you, close to your face.

"Ok," he said in a calm tone, with a big smile on his face. His eyes had LIT up and he looked pretty damn excited and naughty.

 "I'll freak you out, baby" he said while giving you a half smirk/smile. His eyes got spookier and he slowly nodded at you

".... but if it gets too much.. you should probably pick a safe word or something. Then I'll stop," Jon explained. 

Your brain was turning to mush. You were already really nervous and excited and your clit was perking up. 

"Umm... uh- how about.. STOP?" you said, half braindead. 

Jonathan laughed hard and smirked. "STOP, it is then." He paused and bore his eyes into yours. He gave you a long, sexy, deep kiss.. pushing his tongue deep in your mouth. You were SO turned on, curious and excited. 

He stood up and walked back to his chair, slowly sitting back down across from you. Nothing but silence. He just stared at you, clearly contemplating.

"So.... what do we do?" you asked shakily. 

Jon stared HARD at you. His eyes scanning your eyes and examining your body language as he contemplated what to do with you. 

"How about... some hide and seek?" Jon suggested. 

"Hide and SEEK?" you said, laughing. "Jon... that honestly sounds CUTE.. not....freaky!"

Jon's eyes darkened perceptibly and his voice got very low and serious. 

"My version..... is NOT going to be cute" Jon said in a VERY creepy voice. 

You suddenly felt a shiver down your spine and a bit of realization run through your body. 

"Nooo... Not cute at all,” Jon said while slowly shaking his head and looking at you with an alarming gaze. 

“You’re gonna hide……I'm gonna hunt you," Jon said, coolly. 

You were a bit stunned. Your heart jumped a little. 

"And here's a tip.... you DON'T want me to find you," Jon continued in a low, serious voice. He cracked a wicked smile... "you REALLY don't," Jon explained. All you could do was stare at him, wide-eyed. 

"I'm gonna start... mkay?" Jon said nonchalantly while reclining in his chair a bit. 

"Um.... ok," you said quietly, rather confused. 

"You've got 20 seconds to hide,” Jon said while comfortably lulling back in the chair and shutting his eyes.... "One.....two....." he said, counting slowly.

You stood up from your folding chair, looking around and then back at him. The beach and tree line was vast and it was so close to dark, you didn't see how on earth he'd find you if you hid. 

"Jon? I’m confused! ANYWHERE? How are you gonna find me?" 

Jon stopped counting and opened his eyes, looking at you with a VERY dark, sinister expression… almost like he was becoming a different person. 

"You should probably start running," he said quietly. 

"W-what??" you asked, while another shiver went down your spine. 

"Start......Running" he growled, as his eyes darkened to the point of practically looking black. 

You felt a jolt of genuine fear. Suddenly, it was like you were out in the middle of nowhere with a stranger. You were rather blown away. 

"THREE!.... four...." Jon playfully counted slowly while shutting his eyes and folding his hands in front of him comfortably. 

You took off running towards the tree line. In the distance you could hear him counting loudly. You wandered into the mossy trees and looked around. Your heart was pounding. You didn't have much time so you wandered as far as you could into the trees and then hid, crouching behind one. You were breathing hard and starting to question what you'd gotten yourself into. But you really didn't see how on EARTH he’d find you. 

"HERE I COME," you heard Jon yell in the distance in a very eerie voice. 

There was dead silence for a while. You heard the waves and light raindrops. Eventually, you started hearing his footsteps. He was walking slowly and carefully. You thought of crawling off and finding a different spot... but were scared of making too much noise. It was quite dark now, just a dark blue tone to the sky as the sun was nearly set. You sat frozen behind the mossy tree. Eventually, you heard footsteps crunching closer before coming to a stop. Then they continued; sounding like they were getting further away. You figured you'd successfully faked him out. Then there was dead silence.

"Ttssskk....tsskkk….That’s not a very a good spot at all" you heard Jonathan yell. You froze in fear. 

"YEAH, I'm talking to you. Come on out," Jon said in a very frightening, unfamiliar voice. 

You peaked out from behind the tree and saw him standing still about 20 feet away from you. You were actually quite shocked he had found you. VERY shocked. HOW did he manage that??

"I'll tell you what....if you can outrun me.... you win. You win and I'll stop," he said in his low, unfamiliar voice.

Your legs shook as you stood up, in sheer disbelief. Your heart was racing. 

"Fucking... …….RUN," Jon said in a deep, terrifying voice. 

You were actually frozen in place like a deer in the headlights. 

Suddenly,  Jon sprinted forward towards you at full speed. You gasped and instinctively ran away from him. You literally felt like a stranger was chasing you. You didn't look back as you darted aimlessly around trees, trying to figure out where the hell to run to. You were so overwhelmed. You heard him gaining on you, his footfalls crunching louder and closer. 

Then, an arm firmly grabbed you around the waist and knocked the wind out of you. He grabbed you mid-run so hard, you sort of flew in the air as he caught you. He picked you up by the waist and spun you around, off the ground. The two of you spun together in a circle as he caught you. You fell limp in his arms, crying out and gasping. You heard him grunt and breathe hard and angrily. He grabbed both of your arms, pulling them tightly behind your back like a police arrest. Then he shifted the two of you forward, pinning you against a tree. He was pressed up against you while you were pinned, facing away from him. 

The two of you stood like that for a moment, gasping for air. You heard Jon growling. With one big hand he kept your wrists pulled together and your arms locked behind your back. With his free hand, he began feeling you up aggressively. He pushed his hand under your skirt and rubbed/gripped your pussy through your panties. You started to moan and lose your balance but he pulled you back upright, forcing you to stand. He reached his hand back up to your head, grabbing your hair and pulling you into him. He leaned against your ear and breathed into it. 

"I caught you," he said in a truly eerie, unrecognizable voice. 

Your legs shook. Your pussy was very wet but you weren't sure why because you were also genuinely freaking out. 

"Now... don't... fucking.... move," Jon said in a low, dominating voice. You did as he said. He removed his hands from your arms but you left them behind your back where he had put them. You heard him unbuckling his belt and taking it completely off. You began moaning, figuring the game was over and now he was going to fuck you, while he had you pinned against the tree. 

"Mmmmm yeah... do it, baby," you begged, as you figured the game was up. 

"Do.... what?" Jon said quietly. "You think I'll just FUCK you? Mmm-mm" he said, shaking his head.

 "No. I CAUGHT you. You're not getting off that easy," he said, leaning towards your ear before biting it VERY firmly and leaving his teeth on it. "NOT AT ALL," he said through gritted teeth while keeping your ear in a bite-hold.

You gasped. Now you were truly confused. The next sensation you felt was the leather belt tightening around your wrists. You let out a yelp and started to pull your wrists away but Jon had a FIRM hold on them. He quickly bound your hands behind your back with the belt. He buckled it around your wrists, tightly and firmly. 

Your heart started absolutely racing. You WERE scared now. Actually scared. Jonathan grunted, then, with you buckled up, he turned you around. He still didn't allow you to see him. He just whipped your body away from where it had been pinned against the tree, and stood behind you. One arm had a firm grasp around your waist and the other had a firm grasp on the belt he buckled your wrists with. 

He leaned down towards your face from behind, and  licked around and inside your ear a little. Your legs shook like crazy and you felt very faint. 

"Walk," Jon said quietly. You were frozen. 

"WALK," Jon said in a louder, more stern voice, while gently pushing you forward and maintaining his grip on you. You took slow, unsteady steps forward as he guided you, walking you. You felt weak and in over your head. You knew it was still Jonathan. YOUR Jonathan. But it really DID feel like you had been caught by a stranger in the woods. You truly had no idea what to expect. 

"Jon.... Jon.... I don't know if - if I-----" your words trailed off as you gasped for breath. 

Jon stopped walking and stood still. There was a heavy silence. 

"Ok," Jon said playfully and nonchalantly. "DON'T walk," he growled. 

Before you knew it, Jon had spun you around to face him and picked you up. He threw you over his shoulder, one arm supporting your upper body as your head draped over his shoulder, his other arm supporting you under the ass with a firm grasp on your thighs. With your hands bound behind you, you really couldn’t get out of his arms if you tried. 

You gasped some more and started practically hyperventilating. You were surprised at just how strong he was. If he WAS a stranger, you definitely wouldn't have been able to wriggle free. Your eyes stared at the ground as he carried you over his shoulder, back towards the RV. It was QUITE dark by now. This game was starting to really scare the shit out of you. You started wriggling and moaning in his arms, asking him to put you down. Eventually, he set you down on the beach. With a satisfied sigh, he pulled you against his body, facing you away from him and restraining you by the wrists again. He pressed himself hard against your backside. He leaned in again to talk right into your ear.

"Tell you what.... I'll be nice. ONE more try to hide from me. If I can't find you in 10 minutes, I'll stop hunting you. Sound fair?" Jon said in his eeriest voice. 

You caught your breath and thought about it. You almost said "STOP," to call the game off. But you were feeling an overwhelming mix of adrenaline and arousal. You wanted to keep playing. "Ok...." you blurted out. 

"Good girl,” Jon whispered into your ear before licking down your neck. 

He slowly loosened his grip on you and sighed. With his face pressed to your ear, he spoke again: 

“Ok girl.....fuckin........ RUN!" he growled. 

This time your heart pretty much exploded with adrenaline. You took off in a sprint back to the tree line like you were running for your life. Your ears were ringing and you couldn't even HEAR if he was chasing you or how close he was. You didn't try to steal a glimpse back. 

You ran in a confusing zig zag all around the trees, realizing how hard it was to run and keep your balance with your hands buckled behind you. Losing your breath, you eventually collapsed behind a shrub, as far into the woods as you could get. There was nothing but silence, beach waves and more gentle rain drops. It was almost pitch black now. You could barely see what was around you. Now, you were slightly lost and unsure how to get back. Wriggling your wrists around, you struggled with the belt, figuring you could get it off of you somehow. Your fingers tried to reach up to the notches and buckle but it was no use. You had another "OH SHIT" moment, realizing again that if he WAS a stranger, you were LOSING. 

There was dead silence for a long time. You slowly caught your breath, wondering so much about this man you've spent so much time with. Clearly there's many different sides to Jonathan. You shifted your legs around trying to get comfortable on the ground. Your panties were still wet, which was a bit surprising to you, since you were pretty much terrorized by now. You were just starting to calm down when you had a weird feeling. You weren't sure if you heard crunching nearby or if it was your imagination. There was more dead silence as your hearing perked up and you tried to listen. You did your best to not make any audible breathing noises. 

Out of nowhere, you felt Jonathan’s body tackle you out of your sitting position and pin you to the ground. You screamed at the top of your lungs with genuine shock as you felt his weight on top of you. You fell backwards, with your bound hands behind you. Jon pinned you against the mossy ground, nice and firm.... grunting and grabbing you as you wriggled around. You went limp and opened your eyes, barely able to see the silhouette of his face in the dark. You gasped for air and just stared in disbelief. How the HELL did he manage to find you THAT time???? How did you not hear him approaching???? You were in utter shock. 

Jon groaned and pushed his body weight on top of you while pushing your legs open. He hovered over you on the ground, his crotch pressed against your open legs as he kept you pinned. You felt his hard dick through his pants and all you could do was hyperventilate with a mix of emotions.

He chuckled a VERY sinister chuckle. "Now, see THAT, was a really good try," he groaned. He pushed his face RIGHT up against yours. Your whole body shook. "A REALLY.....good.... TRY," he whispered in a complimentary, eerie voice. 

You definitely knew you lost. You were so overwhelmed, you almost said "stop" again. 

He rubbed his body hard against you on the ground, smushing you into the mossy forest bed and grunting/groaning loudly. You started moaning and kept gasping for air. Without warning, he climbed off you. Then before you knew it, he had picked you up off the ground. He threw you over his shoulder again in the same pose with your arms bound behind you. Your hair fell into your face as you slumped half upside down against his shoulder. You were completely spent by now. All you could do was moan and hyperventilate while he carried you back. It felt like a long walk back to the RV.... you were shocked he could carry you for this long. Struggling to calm down, you just fell limp against his body and caught your breath. 

He got you inside the RV and gently pushed you down onto the bed face first. You could only crawl and wriggle around because your wrists were still bound behind you. Jon crawled up your body and pressed firmly against you from behind. His dick was now rock hard. He pressed into your backside, caressing your body. He stroked your arms and moved his hands to the buckle.

"If I take this off of you, are you gonna be a good girl?" he asked in his sinister voice. 

"Y... yes," you yelped. 

"No moving. You will do NOTHING unless I tell you to. GOT IT?" Jon instructed. 

"Hughhh.. fu,.... Yes!" you gasped out. 

He slowly undid your wrists. Immediately you started moving your arms, happy to have them back. 

Just then, you felt a hard smack against your ass from the belt. 

"AHHHH!!! ... the... FUCK!???" you yelled. 

"I told you not to move!" Jon said sternly. 

You felt his hand grip your ass and pull your skirt up. He reached up the front of your skirt and pushed his fingers against your pussy. You didn't even KNOW what blend of emotions you felt at this point, but your pussy still responded to his touch. You wriggled around some more while moaning. 

With both of his hands, he took the side of your panties and ripped them, then yanked them away. You gasped and moved around. Then, you felt another strong smack against your ass with the belt. 

"You're not a good listener, ARE YOU?" Jon said in a low, playful voice. You didn’t reply. 

"Don't. MOVE!" Jon growled.  

You nodded your head, while face down on the bed. Jon reached a hand around you, touching and feeling you up under your skirt again. He slowly pushed two of his fingers firmly into your pussy.

"Ahhhh!! mmm," you moaned as you tried your best to stay still. 

Jon was hunched over you, keeping a good amound of his weight on top of you. He kept you pinned down, fingering you more and more very firmly, pushing your pussy further and further open. 

"Ahhhh..my GOD!" you yelped. You didn't realize how aroused you were until he started fingering you

"BE QUIET girl!!! Did I not tell you that? You're gonna be QUIET too!" Jon yelled at you. He humped against you and pushed his fingers hard into you with his hand, leaving them knuckle deep inside you.

You gulped and tried your best to stop moaning. Without warning he climbed off you and gripped your hips HARD. He flipped you over in one brisk motion. You were now lying on your back, you skirt up to your waist, your panties off and Jon standing over you. 

He grunted and quickly climbed back on top of your body, pinning you back down. You instinctively went to touch his face and shoulders like normal, but he grabbed your hands, pulling them off of him. He wrestled your arms  until he had them both pinned up over your head.

Then he pressed his crotch hard against yours, smushing you into the mattress and keeping your hands pinned above your head. All you could do was hyperventilate and watch him. He kept you pinned like that for a minute, breathing hard and doing nothing. You just stared at him in amazement, his eyes looking black. He teased you and started grinding his crotch into your open legs. 

"Don't. FUCKIN. Move," he said as he quietly, while quickly climbing off  you, ripping off his pants and boxers and sliding back on top of you. His cock was so hard he didn't even need to put his hand on it and guide it into your pussy. He just impaled you with it and you let out a loud yelp of pleasure and a bit of pain. 

He grabbed your hair a little and pressed his face against your neck. 

"Auhghhh…WHAT DID I…. SAY?” he said while pushing hard into you. “QUIET!!!" Jon growled. 

You held your breath and tried not to make any noise as Jon started taking deep pumps into you. Your legs felt like jelly and your pussy was soaking wet. This night had COMPLETELY taken a turn. As he picked up the pace and started fucking you harder, you couldn't help but whine and gasp. 

"QUIET! I'm not gonna tell you again" Jon warned again, before pressing his face against your neck and pushing his teeth against it. 

"One more sound.... I'm gonna bite you," Jon warned. 

He'd given you plenty of bites before, and you always liked it. But something told you this would be a REAL bite if you didn't do as he said. You did your best to stop making any noise. You only breathed, HARD. He kept fucking you, taking slow, firm, deep pumps into you while keeping your arms pinned above your head. Your clit was pulsating and you were starting to feel an incredible level of arousal.. you really couldn't explain it.  

Having him chase you down and take you like this, left you with an indescribable feeling. It began to feel like your pussy was gonna explode in an orgasm any minute. You couldn't help but let out a deep moan. 

"Mmmmmfff, you fuckin asked for it," Jon said while pressing his face hard against your neck and giving you a strong bite. 

"AHHH!!!" you shrieked as he kept pumping. He didn't just bite you and let go either. He left his teeth against your neck as he kept fucking you. That bite DEFINITELY hurt! You did your best not to make any more noise but as your orgasm approached you let out a loud whimper. He pressed his teeth into your neck as a punishment and you gasped again. 

"GAAhhhhh! Ughhh fu--" Jonathan yelled/moaned, losing his composure at his own game. This experience had kind of overwhelmed him as well and he was extremely aroused. You felt so good to him at this moment. He was somewhat shocked at himself, realizing what he’s doing to you. You both felt so good, you couldn’t help but start making more noise. You both moaned loudly, and your pussy squeezed around him as your orgasm approached. The two of you started getting QUITE loud, just giving in to the pleasure. He was even MORE elated watching you, as he realized you LIKED all this. Watching your reactions had him SO close to cumming. 

He pressed against you and locked eyes with you while taking firm pumps in you.

"You gonna cum for me? HM???  he asked you. 

All you could do was nod and moan.  

"You're NOT gonna cum till I fucking say!!!" Jon demanded. 

Your eyes flared. You weren't sure you could hold back much longer. 

He pushed his cock FAR inside you and held it there, pinning you and pausing.

You yelped a little and he covered your mouth. Then he gave you one final instruction. 

"I'll tell you when to cum. BUT when you do, you're gonna do it HOW...I ... SAY!" Jon growled. 

You were confused. Jon ground his cock into you and you could feel it twitching as he was clearly VERY close too. 

"You gonna be a good girl?" Jon said in a VERY dark, eerie tone. 

You stared at him and nodded as he kept his hand over your mouth. 

"WHEN you cum, hold your fucking breath. DON'T let it out!!! Not until you've cum LONG and HARD. Make it FUCKING last!"

Your pussy quivered and tightened around his dick, spasming and pulsing in anticipation. 

"You HEAR me?" Jon demanded as he began pumping harder.

He said one word with each deep pump: 

"Hold..... your.... FUCKIN... BREATH." 

Your legs fell totally limp and he grabbed them hard, pulling them further apart and taking hard, fast pumps into you. You gasped. Your body felt like it was tingling. You were pretty sure you were hyperventilating. Your orgasm was coming fast and you PRAYED Jon would give you permission to cum. 

"AHhhhhhhh.... FUuuuuu....." Jon grunted as he grew weak and his pumps got sloppier. His own orgasm was gaining on him. "Mmmmfff... be my good ---gahhh----my good girl …CUM for me!" Jon demanded. You squealed and yelped and nodded. Your pussy exploded and started spasming hard around his swollen dick. Jon pinned you down HARD as you came and pushed a hand over your mouth as he heard you breathing hard and gasping for air. "HOLD. YOUR. BREATH!!!" Jon demanded while watching your face. 

You locked eyes with him as you were cumming and held your breath as best you could. Your pussy kept throbbing and spasming in VERY pleasurable waves. Something about having your breath held while cumming made it feel doubly intense. It seemed like you were cumming FAR stronger and longer than ever before. You felt increasingly dizzy, like you were about to faint. You started seeing little stars in your vision as it dimmed and Jon kept watching your face while you came hard on his cock. Jonathan slowed his pumps to a stop for a moment to just watch you cum for him.

Suddenly you felt like you were gonna lose consciousness. Jonathan saw your eyes begin to roll back and quickly let go of your mouth. "NOW breathe," he commanded. You gasped for air and took long, deep breaths as you kept coming and shaking. "Good girl," Jon complimented as he paused for a moment. He was sweating like crazy and breathing hard. He just stared at you, proud of you for doing as he said. His eyes gazed at you, all hazy: "Mmmfffff, god... that was beautiful," he admitted as he watched you writhe around, catching your breath, smiling at him and feeling the bliss of your orgasm.  

His cock twitched and throbbed. It felt like most of the blood in his body was in his dick at this point. Without hesitation, Jon picked up where he left off. He kept taking rough, sloppy pumps into you. He moaned and groaned loudly while you just let him take you. Within a minute, his cock completely burst and you could feel him filling you up. He pushed as far into you as he could and grunted LOUDLY.

Your vision was hazy but as he came, you watched his face. He did the same thing…. He gasped as his orgasm hit, then held his breath as you felt warm pumps of liquid spill into you. He started looking disoriented and dizzy. His eyes started rolling and he braced himself against your body, not breathing until he was done coming. You just held him as he had a very long orgasm, leaking LOTS of cum inside you before FINALLY inhaling some new air with a loud, raspy gasp. He kept gasping for air for a LONG time. 

The two of you both felt like you might black out and faint. He fell against you and it was hard to breathe with his body weight on you like this. Gradually he whimpered and climbed off you, lying next to you in bed. You were both VERY faint and dizzy for a long time. The room looked liked it was spinning. 

As the two of you recovered, your whole body felt tingly and numb with adrenaline, exhaustion, and pleasure. Eventually, you turned to him...."Holy shit, Jon.... Holy. SHIT" was all you could get out. 

Jon let out a dark, deep chuckle. "You LIKED it?" he asked, curious. 

"Um.... you scared the shit out of me. For real," you admitted. 

Jon turned to look at your eyes. You met his gaze and his eyes looked normal again......a bit apologetic. 

"You said freak you out... But….Yeah, I went pretty fucking far, huh? Too much?" Jon asked you softly. 

"Ummmmm.... it was a lot," you admitted, still shaking as you recalled the moment he caught you in the woods the second time. You had felt genuine terror. 

"But..... I have NEVER cum like that. I --- I..... I LIKED it," you slowly admitted. 

Jon's face lit up. "Mmmmm....I liked it too. I LOVED taking you on that ride....A LOT" Jon admitted. There was brief silence and soft laughter between the two of you. 

"That...... breath hold thing. Wow..... that was trippy," you replied. 

Jon let out another deep chuckle, shaking his head.

"WHY the hell did I cum so much harder when I held my breath like that?" you asked with genuine curiosity.  

"The French call an orgasm 'the little death," Jonathan explained. "Their philosophy is: every time we cum, we die a little. You can make the feeling of an orgasm even stronger if you hold your breath when you cum," he said. 

He turned to face you, sleepily and satisfied. 

"I REALLY liked dying a little with you tonight," he whispered. 

"I REALLY liked dying a little with you too, baby," you whispered back. 

-------

Side note: I have a TikTok & Youtube where I make sexy/funny JD thirst traps/naughty joke Korn-related comedy edits if y'all are interested. I include myself in several vids, I'm openly a pervy/dorky lady haha. My accounts are not for clout/promotion. I'm just way into him and if you stumbled THIS far into sexy JD stuff you might enjoy my vids.

Link to my Tiktok:

Link to one of my ridiculous TikTok JD thirst traps lol:

Link to one of my dirty JD comedy edits I include myself in:

Link to my Youtube:

#jonathan davis x reader #jd korn #jonathan davis korn #jonathan davis fanfic #jonathan davis #korn band #nu metal #fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic writing #smut #fem reader #x reader #female reader #bdsmkink #bdsmplay #edging kink #edging and denial #exhibition kink #praise and degredation #degredation kink #fear kink #adrenaline junkie #adrenaline

[myckicade]

I should have been in bed nearly two hours ago, but this thing is haunting me.

I'm going to repeat some points I've already posted, but some things bear repeating.

That was the worst series finale I have ever seen. I thought the finale of Preacher was an ugly little fiasco. My word. It will be hard to top this one! Holy frickle-dickles.

(The X-Files, Supernatural, Fullmetal Alchemist... I'm used to pain, but this tempted me to break out the Jack Daniels).

So, yeah. Ding-dong, the cunt bag... -s are all dead? What was the fucking point of that? EZ, completely expected, especially when it was said, 'We've all been talking'. It was a bit of a push for the poetic, that EZ would pull a Mark Antony quote, then get Julius Caesared. (I feel like I made a comment about that last season, but it might have been a verbal conversation). Anywho. I just don't understand the point of the rest. (After a few hours of sleep, I might be able to gather what they were going for, but we shall see). Taking out Bottles, of all people...

I see some fix-it fics in my future. Some out of spite.

I liked Potter in Sons. I did. He was responsible for his share of shit, but his character was well-written. They ruined him in Mayans, so hard. He's come across half-crazed, and tipping off his axis. I'm so disgusted that he's still walking around, King of the Fucking Hill. If ANYONE needed to catch a bullet - aside from EZ - it was old Pot-Ash.

*ahems*

I'm actually really mad that Emily got her way, too. Not just because of Miguel, but because of the utterly simplistic way it went down. (Let's face it, that wasn't a terribly inventive plot she cooked up). Killing Miguel was just the quick way to tie up another useless loose end, leaving the Gallindo family no different than the rest of the story.

Fucking. Pointless.

List of Other Pointless Things Bugging Me:

* Letty's rage. Don't get me wrong, I'm over the damned moon that she and Sally are in the clear. But, that Letty found Sally, and the bloody trailer, and just... abandoned everything? C'mon.

* Bringing Taza back. Again, y'all know I was ELATED to see the bastard, but not to get him on-screen again?? I find solace in the fact that I didn't have to watch him die.

* Angel spotting the pictures and letters in Miguel's hand during Felipe's funeral. I had hope, and it went NOWHERE. As expected. As usual.

* Sofia's pregnancy, and death. I assume the pregnancy was to make her pointless death more tragic, but it was still a waste of time. (Bitch is no Cleopatra). If EZ had found out? Yeah, maybe. I know the broad was a loose end, too. No question. Had to eradicate (nearly) all that was EZ's. It was just the same writing as the rest of the season:

Sloppy, and lazy.

* The war. That wasn't a war. That was a bunch of kids taking turns beating each other up on their way home from school.

* The pipeline. There was no fixing that shit, and we spent the bulk of the FINAL MOTHERFUCKING SEASON on it.

There's more, but my brain aches for rest.

A Couple of Things I Enjoyed:

* Marcus getting the chance to be a good father. It was nice, given his relationship with Jax Teller. He saw a father lose it all, and now he's getting to have it all. Bonus Dad Points for doing the skin-to-skin contact with the baby. That was just beautiful. ❤️.

- It was also a reminder to keep at the birth control. 🤣. When Marcus started talking about not getting to see his son's children, I got to thinking about how the guy I'm seeing is two-and-a-half decades older than me, and... Yeah. Math, indeed. You didn't need to know that, but there it is!

* That was a nice chat on the bridge. It was. Brought me back to my own childhood, and moments where I had to stay strong to protect my own brother. Solid, believable stuff, right there.

Dude. Was that really all that I enjoyed?

Fuck the J.D. It's time for the Jose Cuervo.

Catch y'all on the fic side.

-Mycki

#Mayans #Mayans MC #Mayans M.C. #Mayans MC Spoilers #Mayans M.C. Spoilers #Mayans Spoilers

[arachnaboy]

Tony Stark may have realized what apace felt like, what touching the stars felt like, what finally seeing the cosmos up close felt like, what mentally dying in space felt like, but he didn't know what it felt like to truly die in space. Not until he went back up. Not until death really did strike, until life was taken away from him in space. But it wasn't his life that was taken away. It was Peter, his kid, his son, his *light*. All that was left was for Tony to ask, "What more can you take?"

bitch that was so beautiful what in the motherfuck

#y'all are some poetic motherfuckers #god damn #ironDAD #NOT st*rker #tony stark

[tessatechaitea]

Second Coming #3

If that bug-eyed guy on the cover is named "Preying Mantis" (with an E!), I will be suing.

I realize I didn't review the first two issues of this series but that's because I'd mostly stopped reviewing new comics. Once I began reading mostly new comics that I wanted to read because I liked them, I found I wanted to simply immerse myself in the story and enjoy it without interrupting that enjoyment every half page to spout some invective or spew my opinion about something just tangentially related to what I just read. But recently, I realized that writing commentaries (or reviews (or whatever the fuck it is I'm doing that really just amounts to distracting myself from the notion of mortality)) was more fun if I didn't have to write one hundred and twenty Teen Titans review in a row. So now I'm mixing things up! Let's see if I can find anything critical to say about Mark Russell! I wouldn't place any bets on me losing my shit. You should put all of your money on me fawning on Russell like he's the first girl to ever let me touch their private business through their cotton underwear.

I know Mark Russell isn't the first writer to discuss this because I was.

This morning, I realized I have a big crusty gash in the top of my head because I banged it on the bathroom cabinet while stumbling around in pain, dizzy and nauseated, from passing a kidney stone. So much kidney pain my nerves couldn't appraise me of the gaping head wound. And even though I instantly began to feel better after stumbling out of the bathroom and collapsing into bed, I now must live in fear of that kidney stone pain coming back. At least for as long as the human mind can grapple with that kind of sheer terror before moving on to something else. I guess reading a comic book and trusting that my insides aren't going to suddenly explode is moving on! Jesus continues to ride around on Sunstar's back being a literal angel on his shoulder. Sunstar is all, "I'm going to kick ass for justice!" And Jesus is all, "But is that justice? Really? I mean, really? Justice?" Then Sunstar is all, "What do you mean?" And Jesus is all, "Well, I'm glad you asked! Have I got a parable for you!" And just like every single apostle, Sunstar listens to the parable and then says, "What? Explain better." Then Jesus sighs, drops the parable, and says directly whatever he was trying to say poetically. I mean, Mark Russell does a better job with the dialogue! But if you want Russell's spectacular dialogue and the soft, budding pudenda under fuzzy cotton, you're just going to have to buy this comic book yourself. Take my word for it: it's worth it! But don't think you should stop reading my review now that you got my take on it. There are still some great jokes coming up and probably a moment where I offend all gun owners! Even the ones I'm friends with! One of the great things in the many great things about this comic book is how Mark Russell isn't specifically calling Superman to task for being a blunt instrument against crime. He's throwing shade at all the writers of Superman who haven't had the nerve or wit or understanding of the character to make him the peaceful motherfucker he always should have been. Yeah, sure, occasionally he's going to need to punch a giant alien robot into smithereens so the fans can be all, "Wow! Cool!" But every time he punches Lex Luthor (not in Battle Suit), it's because the writers don't fucking get it. Why would Superman ever have to punch a human?! First of all, whenever he punches any sentient being he's ever just encountered, he has to use the most minimal amount of force he can just to be sure he doesn't knock the creature's head clean off. Which means the fight just drags on forever as he punches a little harder each time until he calibrates just how hard he can punch his opponent without actually making his opponent's head explode. That seems like a huge pain in the ass. Instead, can't he just grab the opponent and fly them to the arctic? He can do that pretty fast. And if the opponent just happens to be too strong to do that? Well, that's the time to start punching super hard! If it's a human opponent, that person is now trapped in the arctic on an ice floe where Superman can just hover over them and scold them while wagging his finger in their face. I just realized Jesus is Mark Russell's Mary Sue in this comic book. Sunstar and his version of Lois head out to look for Grandma Sunstar. She's escaped her retirement community and headed to Littleton. Instead of pretending like things don't really change much like DC would have readers believe, Mark Russell takes the time to comment on urban sprawl by having Littleton subsumed by Urban City. He doesn't even hit anybody over the head with a major rant! He's just all, "Look at this shit! This is why Portland has laws against it! I mean, the laws came too late for a lot of the area. Have you seen how much Portland has sprawled? But at least it's not like the San Francisco Bay Area where you can go from San Francisco to San Jose without ever leaving El Camino's stripmallesque environment while simultaneously driving through like twelve other cities!" Um, once again, that wasn't Russell's actual dialogue! Do I have to keep explaining this? Sometimes I feel like I have to keep explaining myself. Have you seen the idiots who comment on blogs and Twitter reply threads?! No offense, King Beauregard! I always enjoy your comments! Although stating it like that after what I just wrote makes it seem like maybe I'm being sarcastic. But I'm not! I always come off as sarcastic which is why I simply gave up on earnestness and, thus, am always sarcastic. Except that part where I said I enjoy your comments! Sometimes my sincerity comes screaming out of my skull to shout at the world: "I'm a fucking human being! I can feel! I fear! I love! I cherish my time with friends!" But then I bash myself in the head using a bathroom cabinet until the little fucker hides back inside and regrets showing his stupid earnest face. Fucking sincerity. Suck my dick! While Sunstar visits home, Jesus wanders around looking for evidence that people remember him and his message.

That's an outstanding sign!

The new karaoke place has a bunch of Jesus Christ Superstar songs so I will be doing "Heaven on Their Minds" soon. Jesus doesn't get much page time because Mark Russell ditches him to get back to the Sunstar story where he can insult me right to my face.

Does being vulnerable to physical harm count? Because then I'm lovable too! I have the head wound to prove it!

Sunstar gets all nostalgic which is why Fake Lois needs to hold his hand. Because he's being cute and vulnerable and stupid. They roll by Sunstar's old house to see it has become a dildo shop where they sell totally vulnerable, sincere, earnest dildos. Jesus runs into Satan who explains God is going to destroy mankind if anything happens to Jesus on his return visit. Satan then ditches Jesus when some anti-gay Christian protesters approach him. They try to tell him about the word of Paul and Jesus is all, "Don't know the guy." It's pretty good Biblical comedy! Plus Jesus gets his ass stomped and the police pick him up for vagrancy. Exactly what we all know would happen if Jesus came back. Maybe that sentence is in the wrong tense. Let me try again. Exactly what happened when Jesus came back. Because obviously were already in the end times. Second Coming #3 Rating: A+. When this comic book was announced as a Vertigo title, there was a ton of religious pushback. I don't know the whole story because that would require research and how much life do you think I have left? I almost just died falling over because my kidney betrayed me! But the pushback was of the type where religious people here that some secular person is writing a story about Jesus and so it must be fucking blasphemous. And of course it isn't at all. It's treating Jesus more sacredly than most religious idiots treat him. And don't think you secular people are any better! The amount of times I've seen people bitch and moan and attack DC or Marvel simply based on a poorly worded solicit in Previews makes me think all y'all are no better. How about we all stop relying on that one charismatic Tumblr follower whose word is somehow gospel and maybe put in the work to read and experience the actual thing people are so worked up about before totally condemning it? I mean, I'm all for condemning shit! It's a lot of fun! But maybe do the research first! And yes I know how that sounds after claiming I don't do research! Suck it sideways!

#Second Coming #Ahoy Comics #Mark Russell #Richard Pace #Leonard Kirk

[sweetness-doesnt-touch-my-face]

So tonight I finally listened to Black Gives Way To Blue (the album) and ooooooooh my fucking god, aha. It’s just. It could be because I really needed to hear some truthful and relatable shit tonight. But, man. Everybody was fucking right. This album is so good. And The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here is even fucking better!!!

So my starting point is, I respect everybody’s opinions when it comes to people liking or not liking the “new” AIC. But for the love of god, give them a chance at least and if you still don’t like it. Cool. But don’t you fucking dare start hateful tangents and shit on the band because they’re only doing what they love. M'kay.

Of course, Layne is better. That AIC will always be better. But every member of that band is a crucial/key part and the reason this band is still alive and kicking it today is because it’s got a killer vocalist, a bad-ass bassist, an amazing drummer and one of the most poetic and eloquent songwriters of that era. And don’t forget, he’s the riff master. Call me a fucking Jerry stan, whatever.

The backbone of the skeleton is still there.

But anyway. Rant done. Back to the album, aha. From the moment I heard “All Secrets Known” I just got emotional. It was a happy, bitter-sweet emotional. Like they made it to the other side. They’re alive. They did it. And one of the things that really fucked with me with this album is that it was a constant up and down rollercoaster of soft emotions and then hardcore fucking amazingness, aha.

I truly loved it. I mean it’s pretty undeniable for me. It was the same when I first heard TDPDH. It was just instantly awesome. Because with a couple few songs, sometimes with the sounds - I’ll hear echoes of old AIC songs…and it’s such a heartfelt nostalgia for me. They don’t forget where they came from or their roots y'know.

I had a lot of favorites, they all kicked my ass. Ha. Uhhh from the top of my head though. All Secrets Known, Your Decision, Last Of My Kind, Acid Bubble, A Looking In View, Black Gives Way To Blue (made me cry waterfalls despite the fact that I’ve heard it 10000x)

But my all time favorite song from the album. Private Hell. That deep, country, poetic ass motherfucker, aha. That shit hit me hard. Oh my god. It was like a mix of Down In A Hole & Heaven Beside You. Just such a dark encapsulating sadness. Jesus Christ. Did I mention why he’s my favorite/main fucking idol again? Aha.

This girl could only wish to write like that. Jeebus.

Anyway, moving on. Lol. This album shall be on repeat for many days and many nights. It’ll probably get my inspiration juices flowing and so hopefully, I shall birth some messy but dark poems for y'all. So yey. I look forward to that! The songwriting of AIC strikes back again! aha. I’ll go home now.

#I looooove them #gah #random thoughts idk

[youreghanamissme]

Carol Getting Married, Or Coming to America

8/14/17

My trip to America in a nutshell: Holly (the cat) hops onto my lap as I sit on the porcelain throne, scrolling through my Facebook news feed.

It's recommended that y'all put Calvin Harris' Funk Wav Bounces Vol. 1 in the background while reading forward. That album has been giving me life the past month and is somehow emblematic of this post.

Mona and I at Target. Initially, we tried the headbands on ironically, but then we kept wearing them around Target as we looked at stuff we didn’t need. When we got to the register, we bought them for their sentimental value. 

Adhering to the better judgment and insistence of a trusted friend, I took half an Imodium (anti-diarrheal pill) before my 14-hour journey from Tamale to Accra, and booooy was that rough but so, so necessary. I had been running (Ghana speak for recurrent diarrhea) for a week prior. Being a kitty-corner from a toilet/latrine was not just necessary; it was equal parts redemption and self-preservation. And while that plug kept my pride intact on the bus, it nearly made me want to commit seppuku. Accra was the same as usual: foreign to me (as a northerner), expensive, and awkward. Highlight of being in Accra two days before my flight: I got my (seven) cavities taken care of. Lowlight: half of those fillings chipped away or fell out entirely in America. Oh, Ghana.

My flight to Paris was an adventurous one. Without going into too many details, I sort of held up the flight. But only by no more than 5-10 minutes! And it wasn't really my fault!! The flight attendants blew the whole ordeal out of proportion, even going so far as talking smack about me—in my presence—in French. They probably needed to take half a chill pill. We got to our destination on time, and I don't regret what I did. Don't worry—it was neither illegal nor immoral.

Paris to San Francisco was one of my worst experiences to date. I felt restless. My body was tense, my neck was killing me, and I was in the thick of a four-seat row. It didn't help that European airline food is leagues better than what I had been eating lately, and I was losing the fight to reject free brie cheese, butter, and ice cream en route. Lactose intolerance, be damned!

My three week stay in America was split between San Jose and San Francisco, my parents' home and my sister's/BIL's house. I no longer had my apartment in Oakland, and while my friends and former flat-mate were more than willing to let me crash at their place, I felt a little weird about it. They had real jobs and some had real families, and I didn't want to loaf around on netflix all day in front of them... which is what I often did in San Jose. Hours and hours spent catching up to beloved shows and binging on ice cream, cake, chips (party size), and cookies. I gained about 7lbs by the time of the wedding, two days before my return to Ghana. Most of my SJ friends didn't live in the area anymore, and even if they had stayed to reside in the 4-0-8, we had drifted apart so that a lot of what we did together was reminisce. I spent as much of my free time as possible meeting up with old friends in Oakland and San Francisco. For those who have yet to revisit America, here's what's up:

Hawaiian poke bowls are now a thing

There are now many apps to have food delivered to you. Be the recluse you aspire to be!

Boba tea has expanded into the mainstream, something us Asian-Am's have known and drank for years

Kick-boxing-ballet is on the rise

Homelessness has increased significantly in the bay area

You can order your weed online and have it delivered to you via a phone app (in CA, at least)

Coming to America was... weird. It wasn't too much of a culture shock. Maybe because it takes a lot to faze me; maybe because I've gotten some pre-America exposure to department stores and grocery markets in Accra, but having set prices was oddly comforting. No more haggling over a couple Cedis and wondering if I got a fair price or an inflated foreigner price. And the American merchandising of consumer products? Alarming, alienating. I never realized how greatly consumerism and commercialism ruled Americana. Or how courtesy is a real form of currency.

I watched a YouTube video one day that convinced me I needed to go buy, or at least check out, some LUSH products because they were all natural and good for you and better for workers and the environment (1: covert advertising). I went to a LUSH store in San Francisco, and the people were all so nice and accommodating, if not a little too eager to have me sample something (2: everyone is kind of fake-nice in USA, but I know everyone is good people, especially retail workers. I've been there; I've done that). The store smelled divine; the products seemed truly high-quality. And then I looked at the prices. Holy Jesus, Mother of Mercy, and the ineffable Buddha. FUCK. Those prices were eye-gougingly high. But then it is America. And then I converted the costs into Ghana Cedis—something I had to intentionally prevent myself from doing as my vacation continued to preclude a moral quandry at every run to CVS—and I felt like an asshole. I then spent the next hour musing in the small shop to look for the cheapest thing to buy (3: because manners matter in America, and they were all SO nice. I didn't want to be one of those people who actually talked to the workers, stayed forever, and then left without buying anything. This is why I can never work in a book store, no matter how romantic and cool it seems... and how much I want a 10% employee discount). I left the store with a shampoo bar I could use but didn't really need. I won't reveal the cost, but rest assured that for the same price, I could have bought three shampoo bars on Amazon.

And that's another thing: Amazon! The paragon of consumerism in America! I am critical of it all, but I can't deny that I'm in it; they have me, my wallet, and my soul. Disregard my rants as I lather my tresses with my new sea salt LUSH shampoo bar. And you know what? It feels really fuckin' good, and it does voluminize my hair, I think...

Y'know, I feel like something of a celebrity in Ghana. I'm a foreigner and a novelty and most strangers want to be my friend. Why, the kids scream my name—“Deeshini! Deeshini! Deeeeeshini!!”—everywhere I go in the village. And while I didn't have the same A-lister power in America, a lot of people did want to meet me. I felt like the Queen-motherfucking-Bee in a teen movie. It sucked that I couldn't hang out with everyone since conflicting schedules and locale were an issue, but for the folks that I was able to see and spend some time with, I am so grateful and thankful. It meant more to me than I can articulate.

Since I've been gone, my friends got engaged/married, are making strides in the pursuit of their dream careers, and evolving into cooler versions of themselves (and they were already pretty dope creatures). I love all of that. We talked lives, marriages, politics, failed connections, social unrest, self-discovery, and all the minutiae over good beer and better food. That's mostly what I did: enjoy the best food (Thai food, Vietnamese che (desserts), sushi, smoked salmon, burritos, cream donuts, STRAWBERRIES and PEACHES and CHEESE #sighpies ...and PIE. All the pies, yespleasethankyoumuch) with high-quality company and drink my weight in liquor. I was reminded how lucky I was to not have to drink Club beer (aka Bud Light's even less impressive cousin) for another three weeks. Don't get me wrong—Club will do, but why drink Club when you can have a Rasputin? Or a quality IPA?

My sister and Nathan (BIL), bless their hearts, had a few crates of beer available at their wedding. I drank a few Anchor Steams to calm my nerves before my sister-of-the-bride speech. I wasn't drunk, but I got the hiccups anyway. The speech itself was worse than a train-wreck. It was a dumpster fire that somehow rolled down the street. I wish I could have also left the building and escape onto the streets of SF.

...Okay, no, I didn't. But I ended up ugly-crying/ bawling the whole way through... to the point where my sister AND our father told me, 30 seconds in, that I didn't have to finish what I had to say. I wanted to though; I'm no quitter! And especially not on a night that would be remembered for the rest of my sister's life!

Well, I tell you what, neither she nor the other 340-plus guests will forget the night I read my speech—something that should have been one minute but took three instead—through tears, frequent mucus snorting, and awkward pauses into a microphone. By the way, my mess was not only filmed on camera for future generations' sake, it was also live-broadcasted for all the guests on the mezzanine to see since they didn't have ground-floor views. So much for all that expensive make-up. It washed away in three minutes. I didn't think I'd cry. That's the problem. I should have known better. I'll cry at anything, even a drop of a hat if it happened in a way I deem poetic.

It wasn't something I shed a tear over, but seeing family was a huge joy of being back home. Carol's wedding became the impetus for the reunion of my paternal cousins. They hail from all over the world—Paris, Portland, Calgary, Vancouver, Montreal, LA, New York. It was pretty cool. Some cousins I had never met before, and for others, it had been at least a decade since we were in the same room. I knew it meant a lot to my dad that several of his siblings made it to the wedding. He hadn't seen some of them in almost two decades. I don't think I would ever want to let that happen with Carol. Reuniting with my maternal cousins was something that I was also fortunate to do. I'm lucky I had cousins to grow up with; I know that's not the case for a lot of people. A lot of them had moved northward, towards Sacramento, as the Bay Area became too expensive to live in. It had been such a long time since I sat down and talked to the few that were in my age range. And on top of that—the baby cousins were no longer babies! Now they were in high school and finishing college, and I wondered to myself where did the years go?

The rest of the wedding banquet was bomb-diggity. There was a photo booth with props. Music was on point (leave it to my BIL to play the theme song to COPS at his wedding). The in-laws are Chinese, so of course we had a Traditional Chinese Ten-Course Meal. Yumsville, population: Diana. I ate until I couldn't eat anymore. Best part was the cake. I even ate other people's uneaten and half-eaten slices left on their tables as they headed home. Want not, waste not—cream and all!

By the end of the night, I was walking barefoot as I could no longer walk in those four inch heels that prevented my dress from dragging more on the floor than it did. My mom has night blindness, and my dad has avoided driving on the freeway for the past 15 years. It was up to me to drive us all and a fellow bridesmaid back to San Jose that night. It was a little nerve-wracking as I had only driven once before while being back, but it all went fine. Maybe driving is one of those things you don't really forget, like riding a bike.

Most of my time in America was spent before the wedding. Really, the whole point was to make sure my ao dai (one of my bridesmaid's dresses; an ao dai is traditional Vietnamese garb for gals) fit. I came back as early as I could to have alterations made in case the measurements I gave my sis didn't work out. I also wanted to help out with pre-wedding prep. While we never did go to the tailor before the wedding due to laziness (it fit, thankfully), I was glad to assist with the flowers and some small tasks.

When I was preparing to leave for America, I just couldn't wait to return to Ghana. I had work to do; a life to get back to with a purpose, but by the end of my stay, I wish I had more time to spend with my parents. They look older, more tired. I'm still in the selfish phase of my life: the unsparing twenties where hedonism is the choice idea, responsibilities feel better suited for my 30's, and I have few qualms about being an ocean away from my ma and dad. Good news is that they're both more or less retired now. Better news is that our relationship, no matter how frigid or awkward, is improving. They spent most of my time in America running around getting the house ready for the wedding. We're not Christians, so the house was renovated and the backyard landscaped to be presentable for the ceremonies—the American one (an officiant... who happened to be my sis' bff and a fellow bridesmaid!) and the Vietnamese/Chinese one (tea ceremony... where the groom's side of the family comes into the house in a procession, dowry-like gifts in hand)—at home. I was humbled by the tea ceremony, with all its intricate formalities and greetings and ancestral acknowledgment. I wondered quietly to myself: “Wow. This is a lot of bowing and citation to this person and that person... and who is that guy? I don't even know who they're talking about, but everyone else seems to. Will any of us second-generation American kids know how to guide each other through another tea ceremony when everyone from the old country has passed?” I'm sure my cousins and I will manage, somehow, but it did make me hyper-aware of how disassociated I feel from my Vietnamese culture sometimes. Not quite American enough for America, and not Vietnamese enough for the Vietnamese... It's sometimes a kind of limbo being the child of immigrants. Just a thought.

I think when everything was all over and everyone could finally breath a sigh of relief, both my parents and I regretted not spending quality time together. I say so because my dad said it indirectly. It's unfortunate, and I understood. I was in the same boat: the only reason I was even back was because of the wedding! My parents... they're old school. They didn't grow up hearing their parents say “I love you.” A roof, plentiful food, and all necessities met (and a few gratuitous material pleasures here and there) meant love. I'm learning more and more about how they communicate all the time, and I'm learning more about their lives too. They didn't like talking about it when I was little. I think it's an immigrant/ refugee thing. I've heard similar situations amongst friends and family. But the older I get, I think the more comfortable they feel about detailing their lives and all the struggles within it. It's the same for myself too. I'm learning more about the way I express myself—feelings, thoughts, friendship, and all. And I'm trying harder to communicate with them. It's humbling to realize how we will always be discovering more facets of ourselves. I can't wait to know what I will know and feel how I will feel at 40. In the meantime, I need to call home more.

#peacecorps #howiseepc #ghana #america #cultureshock #lush #asian-american #bayarea #target

[princessnijireiki]

like ahs is very— it revels & luxuriates in what it can "get away with," it's "problematic porn." how gory can we go, how racist can we go. that kind of shit. like children looking for cheap thrills laughing at breast self-exam pamphlets in middle school. that's gross & juvenile and those shows touch on too much uncomfortable shit in such a trivial bubblegum sort of manner that that's when I'm like, "wow, y'all are some gross, callous motherfuckers" & tap out. or sth like the new world, which y'all know I hate… I know people who love it bc oh~ wow~ the settlers are portrayed negatively & there's all this irony & it's not a revisionist historical piece and blah, blah, blah, jacking off to poetic white guilt kind of shit. when it's like, why are you romanticizing this? why are you getting off on this? why do I have to pick between dehumanization as a violent stereotype or a noble savage archetype made for you to fulfill some need for hashtag never again tragedy porn? on top of the like… stop. literally sexualizing a child to tell me how bad you feel about sexualizing a child thing. I know when I'm being made into a fucking peep show & I don't like that shit. taboo has this rightfully contentious issue at the core of its casting, but narratively & dialogue wise, it ain't punching down the way even jk rowling rolls— particularly historically— so I'm not about to apologize for liking it better, either, and that's a fact.

#i have some unpopular opinions