#yes I drew my flag myself ty for asking

[ashartstuff]

Guys if I seem quiet on here it’s not because I’m doing anything meaningful with my life, it’s because I’m playing animal crossing

#yes I drew my flag myself ty for asking #rambles #animal crossing #acnh #south park

[fangirlxwritesx67]

Queen Rowena a Sam Winchester x Rowena MacLeod Supernatural fantasy au love story Chapter 1: Queen Rowena Chapter 2: Comfort Chapter 3: Casting Interlude: Confidence Chapter 4: Courage Chapter 5: Celebration

2500 words. Rating T (feelings, implied smut, wedding, passing mention of non-character death, alcohol)

Queen Rowena fell in love with her knight Sam over a lifetime, and agreed to marry him in an instant. Planning a coronation and a wedding, however, took longer than a month. 

Through the weeks, her betrothed Sam remained by her side. By day, he commanded her Queensguard and sat on her Council, performing all the duties of his role. By night, he came to her bed and they spent hours exploring, enjoying one another’s bodies. 

But not the night before their wedding. This night, by custom, they spent apart. Rowena hardly slept, so accustomed she was to his presence and the warmth of his body beside her. 

She was awake and excited before the sun rose. She rolled over and parted the drapes on her bed to watch the dawn creep up over the horizon. The sunrise was brilliant, all pink and gold, illuminating the stone of her castle.

Her heart was light, her mind clear. Today marked the start of something new for her, both as a woman and a Queen. Today she would crown a Prince and marry him. She greeted the day eagerly, for everything it would hold. She smiled, a secret smile, looking forward to the moment that night when she would bring Sam to her bed as her husband.

Her handmaid Gwen stepped into the room, carrying a tray with tea, bread and fruit. “My queen?” she asked softly.

Rowena sat straight up, pushing the covers aside. Her hair was tousled, her face flushed, but her smile was wide. “Look, it’s a sunny day, just as I hoped.”

Gwen smiled too. “The sun is smiling on your choice. Even the earth wants to celebrate with you today.”

Rowena sat at her dressing table and submitted to her handmaid’s care. She was dressed in the finest clothing she had ever worn. The outer vest was entirely covered in embroidered flowers and gold brocade, from her bodice to her hem. Underneath, her gown was made of  silky thin white fabric. More bands of gold needlework adorned her wrists. 

She sat patiently at her dressing table as Gween braided and curled her long hair into red gold perfection. Her fingers were painted and her face was polished. She knew Sam loved her no matter how she looked, had loved her since she was a little girl running through the castle barefoot and wild haired, but she wanted to look her very best.

FInally, Gwen held up the crown she had saved for the occasion. It was one Rowena had never worn; the one her mother wore when she married her father. Rowena missed them both, especially on this most important day of her life. The crown was her way to remember and honor them. She lifted it carefully and looked in the mirror as she settled it on her head. She drew in a deep breath. It fit perfectly. 

Rowena stepped away from her dressing table to her altar, where she lit one white candle, then watched it burn for a moment. The flame was tall and bright, a sign of success and good fortune. She gathered herself up and turned to go. Gwen was by her side, as she had always been. 

Rowena smiled at her faithful handmaid.. “Thank you,” she said softly. “I don’t know if I would be marrying Sam today if not for your unfailing support.”

“My lady,” she answered with a laugh. “You certainly took your time. But I’m so happy for you now.”

They walked hand in hand down the curved stairs of the tower and into the Great Hall. There, both Rowena’s Council and her Queensguard were arrayed in ranks. She ascended the dais all on her own. For the first time in her life, the throne for a Queen’s Consort had been pulled forward side by side with her own.

Sam was waiting, kneeling below the dais. He was dressed, not in armor, but in the fine garments of a Prince. She stepped toward him and reached for his hand. He placed a lingering kiss on her fingers. His smile as he looked at her was like the sun rising all over again. 

Rowena turned to her most trusted councilor, a man who had served her father before her and guided her reign. In his hands he held a wooden box with a simple golden circlet, peaked in front like a visor. It was not the crown of a king or of a consort but of a knight, a man experienced in battle. She had commissioned it especially for Sam.

She placed the crown on his head as he knelt before her. For long moments, their eyes spoke volumes of trust and love while her fingers lingered in his hair. Then she reached for his hand and drew him to his feet. 

The two of them stood hand in hand, side by side on the dais as she proclaimed, “Samuel, Knight of the Realm, is henceforth a Prince of the Crown. He rules at my side. His words are my words and his wish is my command.”

One by one her Council performed a court bow. Then the Queensguard knelt in perfect military formation, armored knees hitting stone. Not a one, from councilors to knights, hesitated to welcome Sam as a Prince and equal to their Queen. 

Queen Rowena looked up at Sam, her tall handsome Prince, with pride. He smiled, his gaze alight with such passionate love that she felt tears spring to her eyes. He lowered his mouth and kissed her openly for the first time in their Great Hall. A cheer started in the Guard and rolled through the Council. Queen Rowena smiled in the arms of her Prince. The confidence of her people, affirming her choice, meant the world to her. 

In time her Queensguard began to move, marching out of the Great Hall in pairs. Her Council followed, making their way into the courtyard. Finally, Rowena and Sam walked out into the sunlight, hand in hand. On every side, they were thronged with people, filling the air with their cheers. These were her people, she was their Queen, and this was her happiest day. She absorbed the wave of their affection and attention as she and Sam walked by.

Finally they came to a tree, the oldest one in her castle. Its roots grew within the walls but its branches reached over towards the sea. It was the most lasting thing Rowena had ever known. It seemed the perfect spot for her to pledge her vows to Sam. 

Underneath the verdant shelter of the tree’s branches waited Rowena’s oldest councilor, the one who had helped her crown Sam a Prince. One either side of him stood Gwen, her handmaid and closest friend, and the Queensguard’s second in command, whom Sam trusted with his life. 

Hand in hand, Rowena stood with Sam. Finally the Councilor raised his hands and the gathered people fell silent. 

“My Queen, Rowena,” he said with paternal care. “It is your intention to bind yourself today to this man?”

Her breath was quick, her knees shaking with excitement. She could hardly believe such utter bliss was hers. She paused for just a moment, trying to take it all in, before she answered  without hesitation, “Yes.”

“And Samuel, a Knight of the Queensguard, now a Prince of the Realm, you intend to bind yourself to our Queen?” 

He looked at her softly, earnestly. When he spoke, his voice was true. “Yes.”

Sam and Rowena turned to face one another. They clasped one another’s right hands between them. Sam’s fingers easily encircled her wrist. She could feel her pulse racing under his gentle touch. 

“Then,” said their officiant. “Be bound to one another.”

Gwen was the first to step forward.  She had ribbons in her hands, which she tied over their hands and wrists. The second in command of the Queensguard followed, with lengths of leather. Finally, the officiant wrapped a cord over the other bindings, and knotted it.

 “Do you have vows with which to promise yourselves?” 

Rowena’s heart was pounding, her chest heaving. Her entire body trembled with eagerness. Then she looked into Sam’s eyes. She saw love and assurance in the gaze of her oldest friend. He nodded, and she drew a deep breath. Her voice was even when she spoke.

“You cannot possess me, for I belong to myself. But as we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give. “

He answered earnestly, “You cannot command me, for I am a free person, but I shall serve you in the ways which you need.“

Rowena whispered the next words, an intimate promise: “I pledge to you that your name will be the one I cry in the night.”

Sam replied, “Your eyes will be the ones that make me smile in the morning. I’ll give you the first sip of my drink and the first bite from my plate.“

In that moment, Rowena saw only Sam. The castle and the crowds faded away. She felt as if the two of them were alone together before the tree, hand in hand under the sun. This was their day, their love.

The officiant spoke again and the world came back into focus. “Do you take this man to be your consort, and consent to bind yourself to him for life?”

“Yes,” Rowena breathed.

"And do you consent to serve this woman and bind yourself to her for life?”

“Yes,” he answered. “Yes, always yes, for you.” 

“Sam.“ She raised her voice for everyone to hear. These were the most important words she would ever speak. “You will be my living and my dying. I pledge myself equally to your care.”

He answered once more,“You will be my living and my dying. I pledge myself always to your care.”

Their lips met to seal their promise. Their right hands were fasted together but Sam’s left hand found her face and she leaned into his touch. 

Rowena heard the cheers of her court as she met the kiss of her new husband. She had chosen him to reign by her side. And he had chosen her, from the moment they had met. 

The officiant directed them to grasp their binding ties and pull their hands apart, tying the ribbon and leather and cord into a knot. Gwen stepped forward and took it from them.

Hand in hand, side by side, Rowena and Sam turned to face their kingdom. The Queensguard greeted them with a shout, a clash of arms and a standard raised. Behind them, the kingdom let loose with cheers. They filled the air with waving flags, lit sparklers, and floating blown bubbles of soap. Rowena and Sam returned to their castle in a rainbow of love and color. 

On that night, everyone would celebrate. The people would enjoy extra measures of wine and bread, and the court would feast. Rowena had never felt so fulfilled, nor so loved. 

The feast celebrating her wedding was like nothing Rowena had ever seen or could have ever dreamed. For the first time ever, the chair to her left was filled. Sam sat there so perfectly, it seemed like he was always meant to be there. 

Finally, as the bards began to sing and the minstrels to play, Rowena held out her hand and let Sam lead her on to the dance floor. Both of them thought immediately of the night, only months before, when they had danced the night away together. 

Everything then had seemed so hesitant and fragile. Rowena remembered how much she had longed for Sam, and how fearful she had been to act on her desires. What a delight it was to be here on the day of their wedding, the deepest wishes of her heart come true. How wonderful it was to enjoy their love!

They danced and ate and drank and danced some more. For the first time since stepping into her role as Queen, Rowena didn’t stay to see the feast to its close. She let Sam lead her off the dance floor.

At the door of the Great Hall, they turned back. All their people, lords and ladies, Queensguard and Councilors were there, cheering them on, wishing them well. 

Rowena smiled, then turned to Sam. She forgot everything else, and had eyes only for her husband. They walked up the stairs together, hand in hand. At the top, he paused. 

“I know this is your castle, and your bedroom, but I think I should carry you over the threshold.” Rowena laughed and let him sweep her up in his arms. He lifted her easily and held her close as he pushed open the door to her - now their - bedroom. 

“Just don’t drop us,” she said.

Sam set her feet down on the floor safely but suddenly. “Us?” he asked. 

“Us,” Rowena answered. “Me and the baby.” 

Sam’s eyes lit up, his gaze full of hope. “Are you sure?”

“It’s been almost three moon cycles,” she spoke with certainty. “I’m with child, your child.” 

Sam’s laughter was instant and full. “That’s the best thing you’ve ever said to me.”

Rowena met his laughter with her own before she answered. “I spoke my marriage vows to you today.” 

He wrapped her in his arms. “You’ve made me a Prince, a husband, and a father today. And I love you.”

“I love you, my dear, my Sam.”

“I love you, my queen, Rowena, my love.” … There is one more smutty interlude coming tomorrow but the storyline wraps up here. Thanks for reading! This was my first fanfic challenge longer than a one-shot. In 5 days I took 10k+ words from rough draft to published story, with a tremendous amount of time and attention from @there-must-be-a-lock and @mskathywriteswords I cannot thank you both enough! @samwenaweek this has been a ton of fun, and I am loving all the ship content. Thanks to @incorrectsamwena @ruthieconnells for letting me use their art. 

SPN First Last and Always: @boondoctorwho @dawnie1988 @deanwanddamons @divadinag @flamencodiva @fookinghelljensensthighs @idreamofplaid @kalesrebellion @maddiepants @magssteenkamp @onethirstyunicorn   @the-chocolate-moose  @there-must-be-a-lock @tloveswriting Sam Girl For Life: @awesomesusiebstuff @lilsylvia @winchesterxfamilybusiness Rowena My Queen: @delightfullykrispypeach , @lilsylvia @marril96, @pansexualdarling @songofthecagedmoose

#samwenaweek20 #samwena #sam x rowena #samwitch #rowena fanfiction #rowena my queen #queen rowena series

[grouptalekindnesssoulstories]

You can’t be my soulmate!

So, I kinda got a sugar rush when I was watching a tiktok compilation on youtube. And the idea of the first words but with multiple people popped in my head. So I decided to do a lil snippet. I may still have too much in my system but eehhhhhhh just makes my brain go zoom!

Warnings: Misgendering, manipulation, a mention of homophobia, mention of disownment

What are you laughing at hot topic? haunted each day that Virgil didn’t find his soulmate. 

I love the new outfit caused Roman to switch up his attire everyday he could, but being a well-known actor made that a common sentence. Not a very common first sentence luckily. 

Thanks, why wear those gloves? shamed Ethan every time they removed the aforementioned gloves. 

___

I fiddled with my newest piercing, the third on my ears. I had gotten it less than two months ago, which had gotten dirty looks from my parents when i saw them. They had disowned me several years prior after learning I was gay, and trans. With a shit-eating grin, I flipped them a double bird. After they turned away in horror, I mounted my motorcycle and roared down the streets. I parked it behind the restaurant I worked at, locking it up on a special pole my brother had installed when I got hired. 

“Reeem. Seen our parents lately?” I called as I shoved open the back door. He poked his head back, tilting his sunglasses down as I removed my patchwork hoodie.

“What parents. All you’ve got is me, babes. But, yes. I saw the people who birthed us a few days ago. I assume you ran across them and they disapproved?”

“Of what? My top surgery, new piercing? Answer to that one is all of it” I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and waved to one of his partners, Remus. I tapped my ear after tying on an apron. He pulled out his ear so I could see the blue pin in it. I shot a thumbs-up as I straightened my posture to wait on my first table. The first few hours passed in a blur of people I didn’t care to make note of. 

“Excuse me, sir. I believe we have a reservation?” A weedy man flagged me down. I raised an eyebrow as I checked the schedule. 

“Only one, and that’s for R. Roy. One sec-” I turned around and shouted over my shoulder “Re? What time was the reservation coming in?” 

“That’s for m-”

“Uh, 3 o’clock or so” Remus surfaced, cutting off the man. 

“I’m afraid I’m here on Mr. Roy’s beh-” The man tried again, this time I cut him off. 

“That was twenty minutes ago. And where did Brit go? They were supposed to be doing this” 

“EXCUSE ME. I AM HERE TO MAKE SURE MR. ROY’S TABLE IS READY” The man practically screamed, cutting off our conversation. 

“Ah, I’m afraid he’ll have to come himself. We only answer to our customers” Re cut in, smiling wide. 

“You and I both know that isn’t true you idiot” An almost-familiar voice accompanied the man himself. 

“RoRo!” My sibling-in-law immediately brightened, scooping the smaller man into a hug. I chuckled behind one hand as the man made breathless protests. When he was at last released, my laughter got louder because it was the Roman Roy, and his appearance was all mused up now. 

“I’m so sorry sir! I’ll go get your backup right now!” The assistant started to buzz nervously around the famous man, reminding me of a fly. 

“No, no. I’ll be fine. This is a family place, so it’s not a big deal if I look a little messed up” He soothed, waving the man out the door. My laughter had not ceased by the time he had turned his attention to me. 

“What are you laughing at hot topic?” I clasped my wrist as the words tattooed across it flared with heat. I shoved the discomfort down, offering my hand.

“Only your fly-like assistant. I’m Virgil Maelstrom. I’m the younger brother of that idiot’s partner. Or one of them at least” Mr Roy took my hand, shaking it briskly before following Remus to the table near the counter. I pulled down my sleeve to see a name written under my words. Roman. I was soulmates with ROMAN ROY the singer! How did I end up with him. Emile caught me staring numbly as new words appeared beneath the original ones. 

“So. Finally met your soulmate?” They asked, a soft smile gracing their features. The smile that had caused my crush all those years ago. I had long grown out of it, but it still held power for their partners and me. 

“One of them I guess. It’s Roman Roy” I whispered the last part, showing them my arm. They hummed thoughtfully, messaging their own wrist. Rem had told me about his own experiences all those years ago, but to actually experience it was insane. 

“Well, why don’t you go tell him?” 

“I...can’t. He didn’t react to me saying anything. It was like I was just another person, y’know?” 

“Well, as your sibling-in-law, I say we’re gonna tell him. C’mon” They pulled me after them. I tried to make excuses, but the doctor was in full help mode. There would be no stopping them. 

“Uh, what’s up honey?” Re asked, looking confused at the determined march. 

“Roman. Good to see you. I found you a soulmate” They yanked me forward as they spoke, lighting up in pride. 

“Look, I’m sorry. They’re just re-” I started babbling, reaching my exposed arm up, forgetting it was free for anyone to read. 

“That’s my name” A soft voice interrupted me. Then a whoop from Re shattered the shock. 

“Lil’ bro! Look at that, two siblings, two chance meetings in this restaurant!”

“What did you say your name was-ow!” He cried out as words burned into his arm. Only your fly-like assistant -Virgil appeared beneath another set of words.

“I- Virgil. I’m Virgil Maelstrom. And it looks like we have another soulmate” He scooted over, nodding for me to sit by him. I took it hesitatingly, watching as his hands started moving as Remus drew him back into a conversation. The shop was closed as Roman ate, and paid for the rest of us to join him. I buzzed nervously, playing my my earring once more. It wasn’t until we were cleaning up when Roman approached me. 

“So. Uh. Virgil? Would you. Would you w-. Wouldyoubemyboyfriend?” He stammered, so at odds with how he was when in the public eye. I nodded mutely, and he swept me into a hug. 

~Elsewhere, A few months later?~

My hands shook as I reached for the top shelf. I wobbled, leaning heavily on my cane. I snarled, planting my cane firmly and stretching for the stuff I had put up there. 

“Sir, do you need help?” A woman approached me. I nodded, and she got it down easily. 

“Thank you mx-”

“Oh, no. It’s Mrs. Smith. Have a good day sir!” She pranced off, ignoring my protest that I was not a ‘sir’. The fire that had scarred me burned away my gender too. I hoisted the bag onto my good shoulder and walked the opposite way. I did not look forward to returning to the place I was forced to call ‘home’. 

“I’m home” I called, opening the door slowly. My girlfriend ran around the corner, beaming. 

“Sweetie! I missed you so much! I was gonna be so sad if you hadn’t gotten back so soon!” She nearly yelled, her face dropping slightly at the thought. 

“No, I wouldn’t. You know I try to be home as soon as I can” I offered a soothing smile. She took my cane and dragged me after her. She ignored my winces, her face screwed up so she couldn’t see. I kept as quiet as I could until the tv concert of Double R. I beamed as he sung, his current outfit looking so much better on him than the previous. When it had finished, my girlfriend was fast asleep on the opposite side of the couch. On a complete whim, I stood up and limped to the door. Taking my cane, I set out on a walk. 

~~~~

“Ro, be careful. You’re easily recognizable” Virgil begged as I stepped outside.

“Don’t worry my storm cloud. I promise to not draw unnecessary attention-” He snorted so I revised my statement with a glare “-I promise not to draw any attention to myself. I’ll be back soon” 

“Whatever. I’ll have my phone on me, so call if you get in trouble” He closed the door behind him. We had been dating for a few months, and they’d been the best (and safest, but don’t tell Virgil that) of my life. I couldn’t wait to meet the third member of our soulmate bond though. I drew the hood of my sweatshirt, borrowed from Virge, up over my head. I wandered aimlessly for a while before deciding to get some milkshakes before heading back. I bumped into someone as I was putting in my earbuds.

“Oh my gosh, are you ok?!” I asked them, and they waved me off. 

“Yea whatever” They mumbled to the ground. I offered them a hand up. They took it and when meeting my eyes, just stared. 

“I love the new outfit!” They finally blurted out. I let out a yelp as my arm suddenly got warm. 

“Thanks! I uh, I think you should know that you may be my second soulmate?” I said, drawing back my sleeve to show them my first message. Just like when Virgil’s message had finally appeared on my arm, there was a name there now. Blocky letters spelled out: Ethan. 

“I...yea. That’s my name. I’m Ethan! Ethan Snips. They/them please” they spoke hurriedly. I nodded, sweeping them up into a hug. 

“C’mon! You’ve gotta meet your other soulmate now” I smiled as they stared in disbelief when my own first sentence to them appeared with my name. 

___

I was soulmates with Roman. Roy! And there was a third person. I obviously needed to meet them as I had their message left. But I had two soulmates and one of them is famous!

“Wait I- nevermind. Please, just take me to meet them” I smiled, limping after him as quickly as possible. He bought three milkshakes, which he rudely refused to give me mine until we got back. We were near his trailer when I heard her. 

“She doesn’t sound happy” Roman turned nervously towards the sound.

“No, she isn’t. Hurry, please” I nearly shoved him in my haste to get away. 

“Bad?” He asked, meeting my eyes. I noticed he didn’t even seem to register my scars

“Very bad” I nodded, raising a hand up towards my blind eye as if it would keep her from coming. 

“HELP! SECURITY!” He screamed at the top of his lungs before scooping me up and running. I yelped, clinging to my cane and the arm wrapped around my chest. 

“Princey, you idiot, what did you do!” A dark haired man appeared, one hand already on his hip.

“Reeescued someone?” Roman smiled charmingly. 

“You idiot. He’s pretty, so I can see why you wanted to be knight in shining armor”

“No, you’re prettier. Handsome! Like the moon” I mumbled dazed. 

“Thanks, why wear those gloves?” I saw his frazzled gaze on my threadbare gloves. I clapped one hand to my arm where  warmth radiated suddenly. I raised my cane in answer.

“This is Ethan! Our second soulmate! Uh, they/them. I need to explain to the head of security why I uh...just screamed. Have fun!” Roman dashed out the door. 

“I’m Virgil. I’m assuming that was your mark suddenly warm, so my name should be under it” He sat a few feet away, playing with a small ball. I checked, and that was true. He didn’t move any closer or try to continue the conversation. It seemed like his question was more of a defense mechanism than him actually asking. 

“Virgil?”

“Hm? What’s up?” He looked up.

“What’s your family like?” There was a small chuckle as he picked up the ball and started tossing it between his hands.

“Well, I’m assuming you don’t want to hear about my parents. They disowned me a few years back. My older brother Remy basically raised me anyways. He married Ro’s older sibling, and Dr. Picani. I work at the restaurant they own. I met Ro a few months back when he came in, and we started dating” 

“Oh.” I traced the end of my shoe in thought. 

“Here. A secret for a secret? I’ll you something most people don’t know about me for something about you?” 

“Uh, sure. My middle name is Daniel”

“Ohhhh that’s kinda sweet! Well, I’m trans”

“Huh. And once again society has made equal exchange impossible”

“Ah! I see we have a philosopher” Roman came back in, kicking off his shoes and handing out replacement milkshakes.

“Yea. it happened aft-After a certain`”

“You don’t have to tell us if you’re not ready. We have time” Virgil interrupted me. 

“No. No, I want it in the open. I was caught in a fire, which caused serious damage to most of my left side, and my hands” I pulled off my gloves, showing the scars that across them. Virgil reached over, offering a hand in invitation. I shook my head and he withdrew it without comment. I already felt safer with these two than I had with anyone else. 

#sanders sides #sympathetic deceit #sympathetic roman #sympathetic virgil #manipulation #prinxieceit

[ask-artsy-oncie]

I guess it’s time to overshare again...

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged. tagged by @duckybeth99​

LAST: Last drink: It was probably grapefruit juice lmao Last phone call: Mama Last text message: “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQZ70ttAsjM I love you I love you I love you"
 (to my girlfriend) Last song you listened to: MapleStory’s Sleepywood Theme Last time I cried: I’m pretty sure a couple days ago...

HAVE YOU EVER:
 Dated someone twice: Nah, I mean, kinda? Me and my gf took a break a couple years back but it wasn’t like we weren’t planning on coming back to each other... Been cheated on: No. Kissed someone and regretted it: Not as far as I can remember... Lost someone special: Yes...
 Been depressed: :) Been drunk and thrown up: No, I haven’t even had an alcoholic bev outside of a few sips.

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
 Made a new friend: Yes...!! A few..!! Fallen out of love: Depends on what sense you mean that in... I’ve fallen out of love with certain media, a few people I used to call friends, a creative inspiration... but not with my girlfriend...! Laughed until you cried: Absolutely. I drown my sorrows in YouTube comedies. Met someone who changed you: Yeah. A few people, and in a few ways. Found out who your true friends were: I... guess...? I mean I went through that song and dance when I graduated high school so not much has changed... Found out someone was talking about you: Yes.

GENERAL:
 How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: I don’t know if you mean “outside of tumblr” (like an extensive social time on skype or discord) or literally I have physically met them. I’m just going to leave it to “I can count the number on my hands” because either way that’s true. Do you have any pets?: I have had a lot of pets over the course of my life. My family loves animals and we need a cat to take care of the rodents. It’s mostly been cats, I’ve known... like five cats in the years I’ve been conscious..? We currently only have one left... and then we’ve had four dogs (three at the same time at one point) and currently only have one left. We also currently have a goldfish named Dimples. (who used to be a classroom pet in Mama’s classroom) Do you want to change your name?: Nah, I was named after my grandmother and I value that... The name means a lot to Papa and my family. I do have a masc./neutral name but I don’t consider my legal name my dead name?? Pls don’t be afraid to use it. What time did you wake up this morning?: lmao like 4:30 AM bc cramps are the worst. What were you doing last night?: I drew something right before I went to bed, but other than that, I got my hair bleached and dyed, and was in the process of dyeing some fabric.
 Name something you cannot wait for: halloween halloween hALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN!!!!! (+ Halloween at Disneyland lmao) Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes my cat’s name is Tom and I have to yell at him all the time. 
 What’s getting on your nerves right now?: If menstrual cramps and acne could both just stop existing I’d be really happy. Blood type: I don’t know, I got my blood tested recently and they wouldn’t fukcing tell me. All I know is that Papa is an O type so maybe I am too...?? Nickname: Fina/Artsy Relationship status: *inhales* I LOVE MY GF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 Zodiac sign: Cancer Pronouns: he/him/she/her
 Favorite tv show: I’ve got a lot of favorites... too many favorites, really. I’ll have to compile a list someday... College: SF State. Hair color: Most of my hair is brown, but my bangs are pretty much the bisexual flag. Do you have a crush on someone: I mean....... @duckybeth99 is pretty damn cute~~ But I also have a long list of fictional character crushes too. What do you like about yourself: I guess... I.... like that I have really vivid, lucid dreams...? It’s entertaining, at least...

FIRSTS:
 First surgery: I had to get a baby tooth removed because it refused to fall out. First piercing: I am a virgin in that regard... First sport you joined: I guess ballet/tap, but if you want like a non-performing arts sport, then basketball (which I ended up playing for like 8 years) First vacation: My family went to visit my grandmother in Warshington a couple months after 9/11 so like that was pretty wild... First pair of sneakers: Again like I don’t know how you expect anyone to remember that unless they had a vivid childhood memory concerning their sneakers. Dude, I remember the first time I ate a pack of instant ramen better than I remember my first sneakers. If I had to make an educated guess, they were probably Velcro sneakers because I had an abhorrence for tying my shoes.

Eating: I should be eating breakfast it’s like 6:55 rn... Drinking: And I’ll have some grapefruit juice with that breakfast I’m sure... I’m about to: Make breakfast fuck I’m hungry.... Listening to: The world waking up, birds chirping... and idk the sound of my keyboard is pretty nice too... Want kids: Yes. Get married: Absolutely. Career: Listen I would adore spending the rest of my life as a comic artist, storyboarder, or character designer... I really, that’s what I want to do with my whole entire life. But just... the way things are, doesn’t really feel like I’m going to be able to get there.... So I’ve set myself up a path of getting my credentials to become an art teacher at my local high school and replace the godawful one there now...

WHICH IS BETTER:
 Lips or eyes: Don’t make me choose between that. I love both of those things.... Hugs or kisses: Same. Shorter or taller: Really depends... I like taller guys and shorter girls... (or... I mean... I could BE the taller guy too I am 100% A-OK with that.) Older or younger: Yeah this makes me uncomfortable, so I’m gonna pretend this is a general life question and I gotta say adulthood is rather underrated if you can keep your childhood interests in your heart. Basically I have money now and that’s pretty baller. Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive... Loud is fine but I like when people are emotionally open... Hook up or relationship: Mama always said not to date anyone I couldn’t see myself marrying... Troublemaker or hesitant: Idk I’m chill with both, but I guess with hesitant people you got yourself more of a chance of staying alive haha

HAVE YOU EVER:
 Kissed a stranger: No.
 Drank hard liquor: Nope. Lost glasses/contacts: Of course, I do that all the fucking time, all the FUCKING TIME. Sex on first date: ...I am a virgin in that regard, as well... Broken someone’s heart: Yes, I know for sure that I have. Been arrested: No. Turned someone down: Yes, and the entire situation was unpleasant as fuck please do not ask me to elaborate on that ever. Fallen for a friend: My girlfriend is my friend ;)

DO YOU BELIEVE:
 In yourself: Complicated, next question. Miracles: To a degree, yeah. Love at first sight: Yeah, but I’m a goddamned romantic *shrugs* Heaven: ehhh.... another Complicated.

TAG: I don’t know 25 people to tag. I guess some mutuals would be @tisbubb, @xxthederptorxx, @lastoneout, @ilananight, and @chanditoys (only if you guys want to!) other than that uuuuhhhhhhhh if you reading this and you wanna, go ahead lmao I can’t stop you.

#tagged #tmi...??

[xbostonsfinestx-blog]

Jade

To say that Jade was displeased with being forced to go through psychological evaluation would be the understatement of the century.  She had officially been back in Boston for ten hours before she was due at her first appointment.  She still had yet to go to her own apartment, thus leaving her to the resources of the bag of clothes she had donned as ‘Jaycie’ while undercover.  Skinny jeans and a flowing top would not hide the smaller frame of the woman, immediate visual proof to those who knew her just how much her being gone had affected her.  ‘Dr. Janson will be with you in just a moment,’ she heard from the receptionist, which she met with a polite nod.  Just a few minutes would pass before the receptionist would call her name, bringing her to rise to her feet, escorting her to an office at the end of a short hallway.  Reminding herself she had to get through this so she could actually have a choice in what she’d like to do with the rest of her life, she stepped through the doorway, as the receptionist presented her.  ‘Agent Kerrigan, this is Dr. Janson.’  A moment later, she was slipping out the door of the room.  Jade drew in a breath as she reached out her hand, welcoming that traditional contact that she so despised.  

Dr. Janson

Dr. Janson welcomed the Agent into the room and shook her hand.  "Good morning Agent Kerrigan.  Please have a seat."  He motioned to the set of couches that were placed in a 'L' shape in the corner of his office and took his seat on one, beside the other and picked up the file that was on the table in front of him.  "Well Agent Kerrigan...Jade...Is it alright if I call you Jade?"  He knew that they would be spending quite a bit of time together and wanted her to be as comfortable as possible, in order for her to open up to him, not just give him the answers that she felt like he wanted to hear in order to clear her for field duty.

Jade

The sooner that handshake came to an end, the sooner she’d relax a bit.  A deep rooted hatred for the touch of strangers, though she had come to realize such things were necessary in life.  As he directed her to the sofas in the corner of the room, she took her seat just a moment before him.  Her arms folded over one another, her legs crossed.  “Yeah, that’s fine.”  She stated quickly, holding back the sarcasm threatening her tongue to request calling him by his first name as well.  On replay in her mind was her plan to keep her answers short and sweet, tailored to getting that stamp of approval, and getting through this week of rigorous mental poking and prodding.  Later that same day, she would face another doctor who would want to know the same damn things, in her opinion, but it didn’t change the fact that she had no option.  It was customary when having gone under deep cover as she had, but all she really wanted was her gun back at her side where it belonged.

Dr.Janson

Her answer was short and a bit harsh.  He could tell by her body language that she was not enthused about being there which was not a surprise as many agents which came to his office for this same reason were in the same frame of mind.  He began by flipping through the file which he had already studied quite extensively.  "So I've read in your file here that you were on this case for quite a whie.  Three years investigating and six months undercover.  It must have been very satsifiying to see this to a successful close, yes?"

Jade

As he flipped through the chart, she couldn’t help but wonder if he had read it at all, until he spoke, pieces of information that would not have all been contained on the same page, proving he had more than read the material provided by the bureau.  “Yeah.  Any case coming to a close is a good thing.”  She stated in a matter of fact fashion, words any agent was trained to say, traditionally followed up to the press with how it was good to allow the family’s to finally feel that peace, but she’d leave that traditional speech out of this seeing as she was that family.  Knowing well that it was not in the file, she’d keep it under lock and key, as well as just as much as she could.  The less she let on, the better off she’d be, and perhaps the mandated five appointments between the two could be shortened to one, maybe even two.

Dr. Janson

“I see,” he said as he flipped through the file a bit more before setting it down on the sofa beside him.  He crossed his leg over the other and leaned back a little on the sofa. “That long on one case must have really consumed your life on the job.  How many other agents were working on this with you?”

Jade

As he sat the file to the side, she could see it coming.  There wouldn’t be a simple yes or no answer to his next question.  He seemed to settle into the sofa there before her, causing her to draw an uneasy breath, preparing herself.  “I took my job very seriously,” she began, summing it up rather nicely, tying it neatly in a bow the way it needed to be stated.  “Within the bureau there were six.  In the prep, two.  And in the end it was me.  I had a handler I could contact should I need to, but I only needed to once, so it was just me.”  

Dr. Janson

He sat attentively listening to her as she very professionally, but briefly answered the question, as if this was a debriefing with a superior in the bureau.  He jotted down a couple of notes as she spoke and then set his file and pad down.  "Just once?  You only contacted your handler once in six months?   Were you that deep in that you couldn't contact or just didn't need to?"

Jade

“A little of both, I suppose.  Any contact was a risk.”  Again, she spoke pointedly, answering him professionally as she had before.  Thinking back on the time she spent in New York City was her least favorite thing to do right now, as there were times she would almost appear to still be in that cover, though it seemed only to be with her brother thus far.  She’d see red and forget instantly who she was and what she was doing.  “I guess I only saw it worth the risk the one time.”  She offered additionally, yet still polite and short with the man.  

Dr. Janson

"I understand," he said as she spoke about the risk involved with contacting her handler.  He continued to speak with a soft and compassionate tone to his voice.  "So the one time you did contact your handler, what was it regarding?  Was the case or, even worse, was your life in danger?"

Jade

This was the point Jade knew her actions would be questioned as being too personal for the position she was in.  There was the question within her mind of whether to speak truthfully and honest, or to lie.  She didn’t know what he knew from the bureau, but she imagined he already had access to that information.  After only a moment of pause there, she looked him directly in the eyes in all seriousness, not telling a lie, though not the full truth either.  “I needed some personal effects.”  She stated as pointedly as previously, as though there was nothing more to tell on the matter.  “But no, my life was not at risk.”

Dr. Janson

"Well I'm glad to hear it wasn't a life and death reason.  However, you said personal effects...," his words trailed off, pausing for a moment.  "Do you mind elaborating on why you needed them if you were undercover?"  

Jade

The carefully chosen words had revealed too much.  As he asked her that next question, a tension would course through her body, stiffening the small framed woman.  Without the luxury of a moment to think, she quickly nodded her head as though the question had not been so revealing.  “I remembered something from Quantico.  When you’re under that deep, you have to keep ties to yourself in private.  You have to keep the cover separate from yourself on the inside.  I needed something to ground me because I felt the weight of the cover.  I asked for a few items from my boyfriend’s apartment.”

Dr. Janson

"I see," he said, jotting down a ntoe from her answer, primarily about her boyfriend.  However, this would not be a topic that he would touch on during today's session.  "You're very smart to realize that.  Many agents have a hard time with that.  So getting back to that, you felt like you were getting in too deep and losing yourself.  Was this because of the persona you had taken on, the people you were now associated with, or the life you had been inserted into?  Or maybe a little bit of all of it?"

Jade

A nervous habit returning to her as she bit there at her lower lip as he spoke, commenting on her ability to recall the information and put it to use to keep herself afloat.  What she wanted now was to leave.  To be given the go ahead to return to the field seeing as she was so incredibly ‘smart’ according to him.  “Yeah, all of it.”  She couldn’t hold him accountable.  Though he was one of the few chosen psychologists that worked with the bureau, he couldn’t possibly understand what it was to go under deep cover the way she had.  “I wasn’t undercover at a store to catch shoplifters.  I was playing with my life surrounded by mafioso.  I not only had to keep myself physically alive, but it was imperative that I find a way to turn Jaycie off and turn Jade back on in the moments I could afford to do so without risking my cover completely.”

Dr. Janson

"So how did you do that?"  His voice became a little firmer as he shifted slightly in his seat as he began probing deeper about her under cover life.  "How did you keep yourself alive, this persona of Jaycie without the threat of being detected as anything other than what you were portraying to be?"

Jade

Some of the ways she had gone about this were beyond the knowledge of the bureau and she fully intended to keep it that way.  Already her request for Orion’s personal items had raised a red flag to her superiors.  If they knew the rest, she’d risk ever working within the bureau again.  Although she was leaning towards moving down the professional ladder into potentially local law enforcement instead, she wanted a clean bill with the bureau should she decide to use it or return at a later time.  “I had my own apartment at first, so when I was there, I could be myself within those walls to a degree.  When I moved to the Martinelli compound, I still was able to keep my own quarters, so the same there.  I would only allow myself that in privacy.  Any other time, I was fully committed to my cover.”

Dr. Janson

"But it's like you stated, this was mafioso company that you were keeping.  You got close to them, close enough to be invited into their compound.  They weren't keeping you around just as a pretty face, right?  I know it states in your file that you were close to the head of the organizations son, correct?  Is this what gained you access to the compound?"  He had just fired off a round of questions at her, not wanting to rattle her but instead trying to get her to open up and give him more than the brief, professional answers.

Jade

And then it was a firing squad, she thought to herself as he drilled her with deeper questions, each phase of this getting a little deeper which she took notice of easily.  Nodding her head, she agreed to that which he knew.  “I did gain access through the son.  And no,” she argued, an almost laugh escaping her lips.  “It might have been a cake walk if they had taken me for a /pretty face/, but then I would have been under far longer.  I used the son as my way in as he made his affections clear from the start, but I was already presenting my skillset to make myself more valuable than eye candy.  Cute accessory girl isn’t gonna cut it when you are aiming for a murder conviction.”

Dr. Janson

"So you had to prove your worth to not just the son, but to the organization, that you weren't just an arm piece to the boss's son, but you could be useful to them, to get this information.  You had to get your hands dirty, didn't you?"  He knew that in cases like this, it was common for agents to have to cross that line or it would be their own grave that they would be digging.  However, it was his job to make sure that those agents he worked with, in this case Jade, knew coming back into her professional life that what she had done was on the other side of the line but done for the greater good.

Jade

A slow nod there at her head as she agreed that she had done just as he said.  She’d gotten her hands dirty.  She’d done things she did not speak of up until this point, things even the bureau didn’t know.  She had done what was necessary, yet it was in those things she would lose sleep for much of the six months she was under.  “I did what I had to do.  A side piece wasn’t going to get me confessions and information.  To get in on those inner circles… let’s just say that was where I needed be, so I did what was necessary to get there.”

Dr. Janson

He wasn't looking for a confession from her of sins that she may have committed during her stint of under cover work, but what he did want was seeing that she did understand that what she did was not what her real life was to find acceptable under normal circumstances.  He listened to her answer, acknowledging that she had done things to get the job done but staying vague in just what those were.  He sat up slightly in his seat, his voice retracting a bit in its firmness.  "Have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome Agent Kerrigan?  It's normally associated with kidnappings.  Kidnap victims can sometimes begin to feel sympathy or empathy for their captors, bonding with them, sometimes to the point of defending them for what they have done.  It's also common with undercover agents.  You see you are bonding, identifying with the people you are trying to bring to justice.  You have been kidnapped from your normal life and imprisoned in a life that isn't your own, and to make it work, to get to the results you want, you have to identify with them.  You have to feel what they feel.  You have to live how they live.  You have become a part of their world.  The hard part is just how you put it earlier, being able to flip the switch and leave all of that behind during the case.  Sometimes its just as hard, if not harder once the case is over.  Does that make sense?"

Jade

Listening to his words, she felt herself tensing up.  She could quite tell yet if he was diagnosing her or just speaking on a level she would understand.  She did feel for some involved in the take down.  There was almost a guilt that went along with the act of turning over the information she had accumulated, ultimately getting more than forty arrests when she had been after just the one.  She still didn’t feel a sense of pride in it, as it felt more like just doing what was expected of her.  Being honored throughout the bureau as completing one of the biggest take downs this century did nothing for her.  Though she too had been arrested that day, she could see the look in her cover’s boyfriend’s eyes.  He knew it was her.  This alone instilled a fear in her of repercussion, though she’d speak nothing to it as of yet.  “I have heard of it…” she confessed, though not her own relation to it.  Instead, poising herself to speak just what would be necessary.  “That isn’t what’s happened here.  I went in.  I did my job.  I came home.  Nothing more, nothing less.”

Dr. Janson

"I understand.  More than you probably think I do Agent Kerrigan."  He looked at his watch and nodded.  "We've got just a few more minutes for today's session, so I'll close up with this.  My brother was in the military and served during several operations in the middle east during the war or terror.  Afgahnistan, Iraq, I think he ended up with five total tours.  He would never tell anyone of the things he did over there, the missions, the lives he took, but you could see it in his eyes.  I offered him help, not from me, but people I work with.  After he was discharged two years ago, he found it hard settling back into normal life.  He couldn't sleep, kept to himself, and almost became a hermit.  Then I got a call one night from him.  It was late, and I could hear his voice, trembling on the other end of the phone....finally reaching out for help.  I'm sure you have heard of PTSD, and well, he was suffering from it badly.  He got help and is adjusting now, but what he saw, the things he did, those are things he has to live with for the rest of his life."  He paused for a moment and leaned forward, folding his hands and placing his elbows on his legs.  "The thing is Agent Kerrigan, I see that same look in your eyes that I saw in his when he told me he was just doing his job and everything was fine.  You went into a war zone.  You did what was right, and now you are home and have to live with that.  I'm here not just to evaluate you, but to make sure that a week, a month, two years from now, you're not the one on the other end of that line, breaking down and asking for help."  With that, he finished speaking and looked at his watch again.  "Well that's it for today.  I know we have four more of these, so why don't you set up a time for tomorrow on your way out and I'll see you then, ok?"

Jade

Listening to his story, she knew it was going somewhere she didn’t want it to go.  She knew he was going to somehow associate her with his brother and when he did, she felt her stomach turn.  She was appalled by the idea that her eyes held anything close to PTSD.  She needed that file to be stamped with a clean bill of mental health, not four letters that had most of the professional world terrified.  She wanted to fire at him, ask him to show her a cop that didn’t have that look in their eyes, but instead she held her tongue.  Nodding her head, she rose to her feet at his dismissal.  “Yeah, tomorrow.”  She quickly acknowledged, already dreading it if it was going to get any more in depth than this already had.  Making her way to the door, she realized her entire demeanor was not conducive to receiving that stamp of approval on her file, turning quickly to meet his eyes.  “I’ll see you tomorrow.”  She confirmed politely before she was opening the door, exiting the room.

-December 13, 2015

#gueststarring #weshouldjustkisslikerealpeopledo #wewrite #2015 #boston

[elitexlumiere]

I am Yazidi by: Selina Page The day after I received the Peace Prize in Oslo, my body was taken to meet some of the media crew. To be honest, this was the first time I appeared in public after a long time of hiding in Dohuk. One by one, the media crew from various magazines and newspapers – both international and local – began entering the room that was quite spacious. The room was decorated in a very elegant and simple way. The windows, with its net curtains in a touch of earth tone that matched the color of the furniture, also created a warm atmosphere. 

It was strange that I liked the sensation of meeting people of different ethnicities. Maybe, it all happened because I felt that the interviewers who came have always implied their admiration for me. The eyes could not lie and I saw their eyes glow, resembling the lights in downtown Oslo. It made me feel comfortable to be around them because my presence was appreciated.

I answered every question they asked briefly and in a calm manner. I did like conversations that were not long-winded since I was used to leading a battalion with resolute determination. What was more, they were the media crew. We all know, they were clever at playing with words although the questions they asked were mostly similar, starting from asking about my name and my feelings after receiving a Peace Prize, to the things that motivated me to continue to fight for the dignity of Yazidi women. I answered it all without a hitch, until finally, there came one of the representatives of the print media – which was reportedly – famous for its critical questions, especially among politicians and state officials.

The interviewer sitting in front of me this time was an adult woman. Her face has a distinctive blend of Middle Eastern and European. Her skin was clean, no marks of scars or even mosquito bites, a contradiction if you compared her skin to mine. I have lots of scars all over my body, scars on both my arms and the whipping ones on the back. The real result I gained from the struggle of self-liberation in a dark and misleading world.

We looked at each other and smiled. She showed me no awkwardness, a real professional. It did not take long for the woman to break the silence between us. She started asking me general questions like my name and where the village where I lived was. A question after question passed, until we came to a question that could silence my mouth. The woman loudly asked, "Noor, do you have any idea about the fate of the Yazidi women who are still trapped in there now?"

This was a question that drew my memories of all the anger on the universe and God. To be honest, I knew – I knew exactly how they were in Ar-Raqqah. How could I not remember it? Even though I was just a 14-year-old village girl at the time, I could still remember everything I experienced clearly - one by one.

My village, Mosul, was located in Sinjar District, Northern Iraq. We lived in a village that was very peaceful and rich in livestock. The majority of the society’s religious belief was Zoroastrianism, although there were still some Muslim and Christian heads of households. However, despite our beliefs, we all lived in harmony and did not question religions. We even celebrated the festivals together. We were all very happy, no matter how hot it was during the day and the coldness of the night wind when bedtime came.

Nobody would have thought that all the fun and peacefulness had to end when, in an early morning, our village was awakened by the sound of trucks coming from the west. They, very suddenly, waved the black flag proudly on our land. They burned all the houses we lived in, shot dead our cattle and separated us from our families.

I saw it with my own eyes. My father and my brother were beheaded after they were separated from me and my mother. The men were tortured before they were eventually killed by the militants. Yes, I remembered that many of them were massacred during that dawn. While the women were tied up, blindfolded, and forced to walk away from our village. We all cried, some even became hysterical, but none of us could fight.

Thousands of women and girls had to walk towards the Syrian border. It took us a long time before we stopped at a big camp. We even had to give up some women who were executed in the middle of the journey for trying to escape or died because of exhaustion and dehydration.

I sat on the ground. One of the soldiers, who covered part of his face with a black turban, checked the number of women remaining from our village. Then, for some reason, my arm was forcibly pulled by him. I struggled. I tried to fight with the remaining energy. But he threatened me with his foul-smelling breath, "If you want your mother to be safe, obey me."

I turned back, I saw my mother nodded and let me be taken by the stocky man. If only had I known that it was my last day to be with Mom, I would have kissed her feet, hands, and cheeks lovingly. However, I could not even look at my own mother's face which was so devastated by the event.

"If I'm not mistakenly heard, the last time I received the information, their condition is still the way it was, being treated indiscriminately like animals." I answered honestly to the question posed by the beautiful woman. She just nodded and wrote something on her little notebook before she went back to look into my dark eyes.

It was true that Yazidi women were regarded as animals. After I was separated from my mother, I was merged with other women my age. There were small children who were also victims. You need to know that we were sold by the militants. We were slaves for the militants – or to be precise – we were their sex slaves.

At that time, I had been bought by one of the militant commanders in an area I did not even know the name. I was forced to take my own clothes off in front of him. I need to say that his appearance was like a beast – giant, shaggy and ugly. He tore my clothes, forcing me to lie on a hard mattress and open my legs before tying me to the bedpost. He thrust his manhood inside as he watched each part of me being destroyed, horrifyingly hurt. That very night, I lost my pride as a woman – I was raped.

He made me a slave to indulge his lust, threw me back to the ground, and I was then picked up by another cruel man. I lost the right to my body and it went on until they realized that my body was not as beautiful as it once was. I once tried to escape from that circle. Unfortunately, I was found and tortured for fighting. I was beaten, whipped by a machete until I begged them for forgiveness. As if it was not enough of the lashes I received, I also had cuts from refusing to have intercourse.

My body was broken. My body was filthy. I really hated my body.

Can you imagine how I cried every night? How I tried to clean my body with clean water, yet still felt filthy like garbage? Can you imagine how I tried to clean my body with sand and mud, yet still felt so much lower than animals? Every time I finished having intercourse, I would cut my hair five centimeters short, and then I would dump each piece into the flowing river. What was the value of my hair lying long and loose if my whole body was worthless?

"Noor? Commander Noor?" The beautiful woman called my name. My thoughts and eyes were back to the present as I tossed a stiff smile at her. "Yes? What did you say?"

"Do you believe that their fate will change?" The woman looked back at me with confidence as if I was the only person who had a big influence over the fate of Yazidi's women.

When you talked about destiny, there were so many things to ask. One of them was, did the women still believe in that? To be honest, there are times when I tried to commit suicide and ironically, I was not alone. I have seen many women like me who burned themselves alive because they could not stand the disgust of every inch of their skin.

I once was furious at God. I shouted under the night sky, calling out His name and asking justice for my life. I questioned His form, did God really exist or was He just a concept created for human beings to be committed into something? Why should I be religious if I did not feel any change in me praying?

I once believed that there was no good destiny for me. I used to be a non-believer when I reached the lowest point of my life until finally, I ventured again to escape the damn land. At that time, the fate and the God that I had been questioning showed His power to me. While I was tired of walking without direction to save myself from the militants, I was saved and hidden by one of the Muslim families who pitied my shabby body.

"I believe..." I shook my head, trying to pull myself back to reality, "we believe they are strong women. We believe that hope is always there for those who continue to survive as we strengthen our troops. Destiny can change. That is one of the things that has been proven and they know it  because we are real. We promise to keep trying to save them." I replied confidently.

"You do believe that they know the existence of your battalion. But, do you guarantee that your life will be peaceful after freeing them all?" Asked the woman back.

I took a deep breath. This woman really drained my mind and did not give me a chance to simply have a casual conversation with her. "Apparently, you have to feel it yourself, how it is like to live in the land of Iraq." I chuckled.

"As a citizen of Iraq, you do not even know when you will be attacked. You may have to carry a gun when you go to the lavatory. I do not know what kind of “peace” you mean. But we, the survivors, are aware that peace is created when we feel secure. Therefore, we will continue to save and secure them at Dohuk."

"Interesting." The woman replied with a nod. Her delicate fingers fiddled and she tied them to one another. "One more question." Her body leaned against the chair. She looked relaxed while supporting her chin on her hands. "Regarding today's topic, what would you do if one day you caught the men who bought you?" 

I paused. My eyes glanced at the watch that the woman was wearing. Fifteen minutes had passed but my mind was still pulled by the shadow of the past. Although he covered some of his face with a turban at that time, I still saw the scar on his temple that extended to the cheekbones. The hair on my neck stood up, recalling every rough touch of his hand around my body. I touched the nape of my neck which was a little sweaty, then, I looked at her. "You're hoping," I smirked slightly, "that I'm going to kill him, right? Unfortunately, it will not happen."

"I was trained to save people, especially the Yazidis who were enslaved by the militants. I will not kill them because it is not my authority though I will meet the men who once touched me. If I can be honest, I wish I do not have to meet them. I refuse to meet those monsters. There is no use in meeting and venturing to past emotions. It will not return what they have taken away from me. I do not want to see them again." I say firmly. The woman nodded and, again, wrote something on her little note. I did not know the intent of her nod. Did she agree with me or was she just nodding because that was the only response that looked natural?

Soon after that, the woman stood up. I – sitting in front of her – also stood up as a reflex response. She stretched out her beautiful hand and I shook it gently. We both smiled at each other before she embraced my shorter body. After a few seconds of patting me on the back, she let me go and said, "Be thankful that your wings are not hurt." I just smiled at what she said while wacthing her walk out of the room, a graceful and confident walk that reflected a strong woman.

***

After all the interviews were finished, I asked permission to open the window in the room. I applauded the sky of Oslo that afternoon. The sky was blue and very clear. There was a little orange color painted since the sun had come down from its throne today. This sky was different from the sky that I often saw in the land of Iraq although both were on the same earth. I looked at the shady trees in the garden, listened to the wind-soothing friction of the leaves. A pair of butterflies crossed the flowers, dancing beautifully although there was no music played between them. For a moment, I remembered the words of the beautiful lady. "My wings?" I said as I squeezed my shoulders.

END 

Bibliography  Ensor, J. (2016). Commander of all-female Yazidi battalion: 'We fight Isil and protect womankind'. Retrieved from The Telegraph: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/05/25/commander-of-all-female-yazidi-battalion-we-fight-isil-and-prote/Pasha-Robinson, L. (2017). 'I was raped everyday': Yazidi girl speaks of horrors of being held as Isis sex slave. Retrieved from Independent: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/isis-sex-slave-yazidi-girl-northern-iraq-rape-sexual-abuse-experiences-a7857246.html 

#Selina Page #Elite #ELITEIV #WLB