#yessica liveblogs life

[shmegel]

I watched the season finale of Our Flag Means Death last night and I swear it rewired my brain

#ofmd #our flag meets death #the gay pirate show #yessica liveblogs life #I’m not even joking I Felt Something

[ceruleanvulpine]

re-rereading ASOUE

… a word which is difficult to pronounce.

i reread the books and then read ATWQ and UA and all the other associated materials, and realized that i had missed or misinterpreted a great deal of stuff, so, a re-reread is in order. and i’m posting commentary on tumblr because i can’t liveblog them at @luckydicekirby AGAIN,  

today: the bad beginning! but probably oblique spoilers for The Whole Thing in my commentary.

they were charming, and resourceful, and had pleasant facial features

these books are really bad about associating physical appearance with moral character! i am choosing to believe it’s the fault of lemony “no, there IS an objectively right preference, and it’s mine” snicket, and not mr. handler.

This particular morning it was gray and cloudy, which didn’t bother the Baudelaire youngsters one bit. When it was hot and sunny, Briny Beach was crowded with tourists and it was impossible to find a good place to lay one’s blanket. On gray and cloudy days, the Baudelaires had the beach to themselves to do what they liked.

… there is an objectively right preference for beach day weather, and it’s mine, because cloudy days are the best. good job baudelaires.

One of the things Violet, Klaus, and Sunny really liked about their parents was that they didn’t send their children away when they had company over, but allowed them to join the adults at the dinner table and participate in the conversation as long as they helped clear the table.

This presumably makes it more jarring when they haven’t met ANY of the people they get sent to live with! Oh, Baudelaire parents, you really did your best to cut yourselves off from the secret society life, huh…

The children remembered Mr. Poe because he always had a cold

A COLD IS INSUFFICIENT EXPLANATION!!

Klaus pictured all the books in the library, going up in flames. Now he’d never read all of them.

i hear this is the point at which @songs-and-types bounced off these books as a kid.. it IS very upsetting. 

the two Poe children-Edgar and Albert

small brain meme picture: it’s an edgar allan poe reference

larger brain meme picture: it’s an edgar allan poe AND an edgar albert guest reference 

“I have made arrangements,” he said finally, “for you to be raised by a distant relative of yours who lives on the other side of town. His name is Count Olaf.”

small brain meme picture: mr. poe sent them to count olaf because olaf lied

larger brain meme picture: mr. poe sent them to count olaf because of olaf’s “yessica haircut” routine, as in the netflix show

exploding brain meme picture: the snicket-baudelaire-..olaf family tree is a complicated mess anyway and he almost certainly IS distantly related to them 

And Sunny crawled around solemnly biting each of Edgar and Albert’s shoes, leaving small teeth marks in each one so she would not be forgotten.

I LOVE SUNNY…

What kind of a man, Violet wondered, would carve an image of an eye into his front door?

given book!olaf’s even worse tendency towards KNIFE VIOLENCE, the actual carving is probably more worrying than the eye…. but given everything else about VFD maybe she should be worried anyway.

His face was unshaven, and rather than two eyebrows, like most human beings have, he had just one long one.

Lemony. Please. You’re so judgmental. Think of your brother. 

Count Olaf turned to Mr. Poe with a glint in his eye like an angry dog. For a moment Violet thought he was going to strike Mr. Poe across the face.

FORESHADOWING!! Like many unpleasant people, Olaf is much more likely to be violent when he knows he can get away with it. 

They wondered how many other eyes were in Count Olaf’s house, and whether, for the rest of their lives, they would always feel as though Count Olaf were watching them even when he wasn’t nearby.

getting the extremely ominous train rolling early… oh, remind me to do the rare edition footnotes, too, because iirc there’s an extremely creepy footnote on this line. 

“None of us knows how to cook,” Klaus said.

“That’s true,” Violet said. “I knew how to repair those windows, and how to clean the chimney, because those sorts of things interest me. But I don’t know how to cook anything except toast.”

“And sometimes you burn the toast,” Klaus said, and they smiled. They were both remembering a time when the two of them got up early to make a special breakfast for their parents. Violet had burned the toast, and their parents, smelling smoke, had run downstairs to see what the matter was. When they saw Violet and Klaus, looking forlornly at pieces of pitch-black toast, they laughed and laughed, and then made pancakes for the whole family.

HA HA HA WOW I WONDER WHY THEIR PARENTS WERE WORRIED ABOUT WAKING UP TO THE SMELL OF SMOKE!!!! 

i made myself very sad a while ago thinking about how b&b probably laughed so much because they were so, so relieved, and because they felt pleasantly foolish for being worried about arson instead of their lovely children trying to make them breakfast and burning some toast.. because, you know, they’re well out of it now and don’t have to constantly look over their shoulders..

;-;

“And I would like to look at books on wolves,” Klaus said. “Recently I have been fascinated by the subject of wild animals of North America.”

klaus baudelaire, in the inevitable preteen stage of being real into wolves

“I can’t tell you how much we appreciate this,” Violet said, carefully. With their kind parents dead and Count Olaf treating them so abominably, the three children were not used to kindness from adults, and weren’t sure if they were expected to do anything back. “Tomorrow, before we use your library again, Klaus and I would be more than happy to do household chores for you. Sunny isn’t really old enough to work, but I’m sure we could find some way she could help you.”

Justice Strauss smiled at the three children, but her eyes were sad. She reached out a hand and put it on Violet’s hair, and Violet felt more comforted than she had in some time. “That won’t be necessary,” Justice Strauss said. “You are always welcome in my home.” Then she turned and went into her home, and after a moment of staring after her, the Baudelaire orphans went into theirs.

THIS IS REALLY SAD!!!

Nobody paid a bit of attention to the children, except for the bald man, who stopped and stared Violet in the eye.

“You’re a pretty one,” he said, taking her face in his rough hands. “If I were you I would try not to anger Count Olaf, or he might wreck that pretty little face of yours.” Violet shuddered, and the bald man gave a high-pitched giggle and left the room.

(hissing and recoiling) 

“That money,” Klaus said, remembering what Mr. Poe said, “is not to be used until Violet is of age.”

Count Olaf’s face grew very red. For a moment he said nothing. Then, in one sudden movement, he reached down and struck Klaus across the face. Klaus fell to the floor, his face inches from the eye tattooed on Olaf’s ankle. His glasses leaped from his face and skittered into a corner. His left cheek, where Olaf had struck him, felt as if it were on fire. The theater troupe laughed, and a few of them applauded as if Count Olaf had done something very brave instead of something despicable.

1) this is still very upsetting 2) it’s also even more closely paralleled to the previous scene with mr. poe than i remembered

“We don’t really have a question,” Klaus said. “We have a complaint.” He was thinking of Mr. Poe walking toward them at Briny Beach, with his terrible message. Even though the fire was of course not Mr. Poe’s fault, Klaus was reluctant to see Mr. Poe because he was afraid of getting more bad news.

it turns out a bunch of my commentary is just going to be THESE KIDS ARE REALLY SAD!!

They did not literally escape, because they were still in his house and vulnerable to Olaf’s evil in loco parentis ways.

Lemony, this sentence is bad. 

The children looked at Count Olaf. His face was very serious, as if he were very sorry to hear that, but his eyes were shiny and bright, the way they are when someone is telling a joke.

LEMONY, YOU’RE CONSTANTLY SAYING HOW SHINY HIS EYES ARE, THIS MEANS NOTHING HERE

The word “standoffish” is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olaf’s behavior toward the children. It means “reluctant to associate with others,” and it might describe somebody who, during a party, would stand in a corner and not talk to anyone.

… so, you, the narrator.

Olaf’s sharp and dirty fingernails gently scratched on Violet’s chin, and she shivered.

TV!Olaf, while sometimes scary, has yet to reach the heights of deeply alarming menace that book!Olaf does. 

“Around the time of your weasel lady,” Klaus said, flipping through the enormous book he had been reading, “a group of actors put on a production of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, and none of them wore any clothing.”

Violet blushed. “You mean they were all naked, onstage?”

“Only briefly,” Klaus said, smiling. “The police came and shut down the production. I don’t think that’s very helpful, either. It was just pretty interesting to read about.”

i want 2 protect them

Then, just as he heard the man’s footsteps heading back his way, Klaus spied one book, and quickly grabbed it. He untucked his shirt and put the book inside, hastily retucking it just as the hook-handed man reentered the library, escorting Violet and carrying Sunny, who was trying without success to bite the man’s hooks.

hiding books up your shirt: lemony snicket approved ™ 

“The word ‘nuptial,’ ” Klaus said, “means ‘relating to marriage.’ ” “I know what the word means,” Count Olaf growled.

… count olaf not knowing what the word means in the show is fine, but the reversal of the running joke with klaus might be funnier. 

Violet stared at him. She had an odd feeling in her stomach, as if she were the one being thrown from a great height. The really frightening thing about Olaf, she realized, was that he was very smart after all. He wasn’t merely an unsavory drunken brute, but an unsavory, clever drunken brute.

ACCURATE. 

“Remember that, orphans,” he said. “You may have read more books than I have, but it didn’t help you gain the upper hand in this situation.”

SOMEbody’s bitter about VFD.

The enormous creature merely looked at Violet with its blank white eyes and shook its head, then dismissed her with a silent gesture.

The treatment of the ambiguously gendered henchperson in the books is… really bad…. at least their show portrayal is better!

Clang! The grappling hook hit the tower, and fell down again, hitting Violet hard in the shoulder. One of the arms tore her nightgown and cut through her skin. Biting down on her hand to keep from crying out in pain, Violet felt the place in her shoulder where she had been struck, and it was wet with blood. Her arm throbbed in pain.

At this point in the proceedings, if I were Violet, I would have given up, but just as she was about to turn around and go inside the house, she pictured how scared Sunny must be, and, ignoring the pain in her shoulder, Violet used her right hand to throw the hook again.

First appearance of “Lemony unfavorably comparing his own courage to the Baudelaires’”!

The tower room held objects that were very dear and precious to Count Olaf, and they were terrible things. There were scraps of paper on which he had written his evil ideas in an illegible scrawl, lying in messy piles on top of the copy of Nuptial Law he had taken away from Klaus. There were a few chairs and a handful of candles which were giving off flickering shadows. Littered all over the floor were empty wine bottles and dirty dishes. But most of all were the drawings and paintings and carvings of eyes, big and small, all over the room. There were eyes painted on the ceilings, and scratched into the grimy wooden floors. There were eyes scrawled along the windowsill, and one big eye painted on the knob of the door that led to the stairs. It was a terrible place.

Uhhhhh I forgot Olaf had a ROOM OF CRAZY

this is a lot.

“If we had any kerosene,” Violet said, around noon, “I could make Molotov cocktails with these bottles.”

“We could break these bottles in half,” Violet said, “and use them as knives, but I’m afraid that Count Olaf’s troupe would overpower us.”

it’s not UNJUSTIFIED, but given the amount of hand-wringing about whether they’re being villainous themselves in later books, the kids go from zero to sixty REALLY fast

“I wish we could break a leg,” Klaus whispered to Violet, and Mr. Poe left.

“You will, soon enough,” Count Olaf said, pushing the two children toward the stage.

And here I thought Olaf’s sotto voce threatening remarks were only in the show. 

For instance, one country in Europe has a law that requires all its bakers to sell bread at the exact same price. A certain island has a law that forbids anyone from removing its fruit. And a town not too far from where you live has a law that bars me from coming within five miles of its borders.

Hey…… Lemony???

LEMONY SNICKET was born in a small town where the inhabitants were suspicious and prone to riot. He now lives in the city. During his spare time he gathers Evidence and is considered something of an expert by leading authorities. These are his first books for Harper Collins.

So he’s living in the city and he’s not a fugitive or anything! Huh. 

#ceruleanrambling #asoue #current reading events #rereread #the puzzling book club

[shmegel]

I hate alcohol. I hate it so much. I don’t know how not to hate it. I don’t know how to reconcile that with trying to enjoy myself outside of my house. I hate it. It’s killed or destroyed people I love and I hate it. I wish it would disappear and stop ruining lives.

#alcoholism tw #yessica liveblogs life #personal #I want to tell people my age STOP FREAKING DRINKING but I can’t do that without them hating or resenting me #but watching this is breaking my heart #I need my friends to live long healthy lives #I don’t know where I can be if they don’t #what’s freaking worth this

[shmegel]

I’m devastated. Every part of my life makes me want to cry all the time. I’m barely a person right now because I’m just trying to get through every terrible thing thrown at me every day. It doesn’t end. When will I ever get a good day without some sort of gut-punch? How much does someone have to suffer before it matters? I’m hurt, and then I cry, and then I’m sick, over and over. And it’s inevitably in the process of trying to help the people I love, because that’s pretty much all I do now. I love the people around me but I feel their pain so acutely, so strongly- I haven’t even been able to feel my own joy in years now. Is a life without that worth it? It’s a solid question, and I cannot and will not do anything about it beyond asking it, but at some point it seems like with such depths of despair happiness has to be possible somewhere in my head. Somewhere. I wish I could find it- it may not matter anyway with the frequency of painful occurrences thrown at me right now anyway. My health makes me feel so temporary, and I don’t want to be temporary- and if I am, then this is no way to spend a temporary life. This is a terrible way to live, and not an ounce of it is under my control. I’m completely at the mercy of everyone else’s pain and of my body’s struggles to survive. If my brain were in a better functioning body, I could have done so much by now. I’m scared that I won’t have time to do the massive amount of things I want to do for the world. All I want to do is make things better- it seems like the universe would want to support me in that. I’m trying so hard and I hope it��s enough.

#personal #yessica liveblogs life #don’t worry for me I’ll survive #I just don’t know how to live well under these circumstances #it may be impossible

[shmegel]

Life is so exhausting. I just want to help everyone be ok. When will the people I love be ok? I’m trying so hard. I’m wearing myself out. I’m so tired, and so sick with my own reasons for being not ok. I don’t know how any of this ends well.

#personal #yessica liveblogs life

[shmegel]

You guys- I’m having a really rough time. My body is falling apart, people I love are falling apart, and I’m scared of losing the people that matter most to me. I’ve been such a mess that I haven’t been able to learn the way I’ve wanted to. I’ve been so stressed that I can’t seem to think or plan beyond tomorrow. I’ve been so sick that I’m scared about what my body will throw at me next, and how much will be too much. I’m trying so hard. I’m trying so freaking hard. My heart aches for every reason and I just want to protect my world before it shatters along with the people in it.

#personal #yessica liveblogs life #I just want everyone to be okay #and happy #and to be kind to each other and love each other #and be kind to themselves as well

[shmegel]

Note that caffeine and other stimulants have NOT had this effect on me in the past few years, and I had no stimulants today whatsoever.

#personal #yessica liveblogs life

[shmegel]

If anyone is wondering what might have brought my ability to feel joy back, there are a couple different potential things that could’ve done it. It’s my brother’s graduation so a lot is happening today. I increased my Wellbutrin dose a few weeks ago. I started taking Sulfasalazine about two days ago to try to treat a potentially autoinflammatory condition (Yao syndrome) that may be causing my daily fevers. It would be interesting if the anhedonia is inflammatory. I also restarted Plaquenil for autoimmunity about a month ago. I’ve never been on this dose of Wellbutrin before. I was on 100 mg (plus Prozac) before I stopped taking it, and anhedonia set in, and that was all soon after the fevers developed. I restarted Prozac maybe six months ago. I increased Wellbutrin maybe a month ago. Personally, I hope it’s the Sulfasalazine because that may indicate that my condition is improving. It could be any of these things- I’ll let you know if I figure any of this out!

#anhedonia #depression #mental illness #mental health #chronic illness #autoinflammatory #autoimmune #Yao Syndrome #personal #yessica liveblogs life

[shmegel]

It feels a lot like anxiety. If I were more stressed and it wasn’t such a good day, I could see this feeling overwhelming me. I could see it making me cry or break down, because it’s different and weird and it’s a lot. My brain seems to be taking it well- I feel like I’m actually displaying some happiness now. It’s still a bit disconnected from experiences. It rises randomly, and sometimes on its own, and if I think about being happy there it is. A bit like nausea, a lot like anxiety. Mostly it feels like when you drink too much caffeine (I didn’t have any). Warmth in the stomach, jumping a bit, rising through the chest, stopping in my throat. Maybe a little buzziness in the head. It feels like it could come out in tears. I’m trying to identify all the sensations and elaborate on everything, and document my experience, so anyone else with anhedonia won’t be so afraid of not recognizing happiness or liking it anymore. I hope I’m recognizing it. It feels very distinctive, and definitely not something I’ve felt in a long time. I feel like my body and brain are a bit confused by it. I can’t wait for them to adjust.

#anhedonia #depression #mental illness #mental health #happiness #personal #yessica liveblogs life

[shmegel]

Happiness came on very suddenly today, after years without it. I was just lying down for a nap when suddenly I felt something, kind of in my stomach and chest? It was weird. I was right about how I might not be able to recognize it- I was like what was that??? Then it kept coming stronger and stronger, lasting a little longer each time, until I realized that’s what happiness feels like. I’m still scared that it’s temporary, or that somehow I’m wrong and I’m feeling something else and misidentifying it. But after years without feeling anything, it’s definitely different and it’s definitely strange. I was scared I wouldn’t like it anymore. It’s definitely overwhelming and weird- but it made me feel like jumping around, so I guess that’s a good thing. I’ll have to get used to it again- it feels a bit like anxiety, like anticipation, I think it’s excitement. My heart rate feels higher, I’m not sure if it actually is. I could see this overwhelming me in the coming days while I get used to it- it’s a lot, it’s kinda scary. I didn’t expect it to come back so suddenly and strongly, without something emotional making it happen. I was just relaxing and it kinda startled me. I hope it’s real, and I hope it’s what I think, and I hope it lasts. Either way, I know that this has given me hope.

#anhedonia #depression #personal #yessica liveblogs life #happiness #I think #I hope

[shmegel]

hey not to sound like a weirdo but I think I felt happiness today??? for the first time in about 4 years?

#happiness #Anhedonia #depression #mental illness #mental health #personal #I guess it is possible guys #don’t give up and keep trying to get it back #yessica liveblogs life

[shmegel]

My life is falling apart and for once it’s my fault. It was an accident, but it’s my fault because I can’t trust. I had reason to lose my trust, but I confided my fear in someone and now maybe I truly can’t trust anyone. Maybe I’m alone in my life now. Maybe that’s just how it is. Maybe things have been building to this because I’ve been suffering silently so badly. Maybe it’s happening because I’ve been traumatized. Maybe it was just bad timing. Maybe it’s all of the above. I feel like I’m drowning and I just want to love and trust everyone around me and have them love and trust me back. My intentions were pure, my love is so strong, but maybe that’s not enough to help people be okay. Maybe that’s not enough. Maybe I’m not enough. Maybe I really can’t help- I don’t even know what’s true anymore and I hate myself for it even though I know that loss of trust happened for a reason. If I’m nervous that someone is lying to me, then I’m either paranoid or I’m a sucker. How is that fair to anyone? Why does anyone feel the need to lie to me, especially people I care about? Why couldn’t I have just kept suffering in silence for a little longer, how do I know, maybe it would have gotten better in that time? I don’t think I’ve ever destroyed so much before, especially not with my good intentions. My heart aches. I just want the people I love not to die, is that such a crime??? I fight every day for my life and people around me are just falling apart and I’m not supposed to feel that ache in my soul? I’m not supposed to try my best to help them feel better? What am I supposed to do?

I might have just lost everyone I love most in a single day.

At least they’re alive, but I don’t think anyone wants me in their life anymore. I’ve been feeling that for a while, this gnawing knowledge that people are sick of me and would prefer that I wasn’t there.

I want the people I love in my life- desperately- but if I lose their friendship in my efforts to keep them alive, however misguided, then that may be better than the alternative. I would prefer alive acquaintances to dead friends any day.

I had to try, right? I’m sorry if I was wrong. I still don’t really truly know if I was wrong because there is honestly no way to know at this point, because I have believed so many lies then felt like I’d been stabbed in the gut later when I found out they were lies. My trust has been used against me, and my honesty has been used against me. Maybe it’s good that I’ve lost trust. Maybe it’s healthy- for now, while I don’t know if people are telling me the truth or not.

I don’t know. I love these people. That’s all I know. I love these people and they’re in so much pain and it wouldn’t be happening if it weren’t for a single text I sent just trying to stop my own pain. Maybe that was selfish. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

I think I’m alone. I don’t think anyone really knows me anymore and wants me in their lives without just being absolutely sick of me. Which is a horrible thing when everything I do is to help the people I love. I never let myself have any comfort for myself- the one time I send a single text expressing worry or disappointment and suddenly 15 years blow up in all of our faces.

I don’t want to lose them.

I’m terrified and I’m sad and I’m angry and I’m exhausted and I’m sick and I’m so incredibly scared.

15 years can’t really disappear in a night, right? I didn’t think it could. I didn’t think it ever would as a result of something I said, of me voicing my fears.

I wish today would just reverse and everyone would forget everything that happened. All of it. I would take it all back. I would kill to undo this day.

I’m lost and I’m alone and I hurt people I love while trying to protect them and myself.

I wish it wasn’t so hard to know what is true and what is a lie. I can’t believe anyone in my life would feel the need to lie to me so often, because they know I trust so deeply, and it happened so much until that trust just drained away. I don’t know what’s left.

I wish everyone knew that is the problem. I wish everyone understood my heart. I wish they knew where it is and where it’s been.

This group is one of the few things that has mattered to me in years, and it feels like it’s disappearing, and it’s partially my fault but mostly happening because of the reason behind my lost trust, the alcohol and the tricking me and the lies, and it feels like no one is willing to fight for it except for me.

And everyone just wants me to calm down when my world is falling apart. It is. I’m losing the people that have mattered most to me in my entire life, the people I assumed would grow old together provided we could all survive. These were supposed to be my forever people. None of this was supposed to happen. I hate alcohol for being behind any of this. I hate it now, I despise it, I never want to see it again because of what it did to my best friends and how much hurt it caused us all.

It really was supposed to be us forever, or as long as I could survive with my health. Or them with theirs, given the alcohol. I just don’t want to lose anyone but here we are. I’m lost.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. We were supposed to all get better in different ways together, lift each other up, and live our parallel lives supporting each other. None of this was supposed to happen.

I’m heartbroken, honestly.

#personal #yessica liveblogs life #alcoholism tw #addiction tw #one of the worst days of my life

[shmegel]

I had a good day :)

#personal #yessica liveblogs life

[shmegel]

I’m feeling very alone

#yessica liveblogs life #personal

[shmegel]

I swear to god if someone lies to me again I will have a mental breakdown. I’m not built for this. I can’t trust anyone if I can’t trust the people I’ve always trusted most.

#personal #yessica liveblogs life

[shmegel]

I think I need a night to myself. I’m just so scared. I can’t lose anyone else. I can’t.

#yessica liveblogs life #personal