aashiquidreams

[aashiquidreams]

I’ve compiled a list of the symptoms, emotions, and problems I’ve been dealing with since the beginning of the year. I’m planning to talk to my GP about it during my appointment this week. Looking at the list, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m going through depression again. The idea of going through this all over is just too much. It’s always been such a lonely journey, and I can’t help but feel like it’ll be that way again. This time, it might be even lonelier since both Suzy and Tijgertje are gone. I don’t know if I have it in me to fight once more. I’m feeling lost again.

#personal #depression #mental health #mental illness #grief #pet loss #emotions #trauma #self reflection #self care #therapy #loneliness #healing #my writing #290424 #0424

[aashiquidreams]

After watching the Netflix show Baby Reindeer, I found myself wrestling with difficult emotions. It helped me recognize that the behavior portrayed in the show is termed trauma bonding. This realization shed light on my own experiences, particularly what happened to me in 2022/2023 with the person who sexually assaulted me during a first date. It’s worth noting that months before I went out with him, he seemed to constantly appear wherever I went in my neighborhood, leading me to question whether it was all just a coincidence. Looking back and considering what I’ve since learned about him, it’s clear that there may have been ulterior motives behind his presence. I’ve come to realize that I don’t believe in coincidences, especially after everything that happened.

Reflecting on the unsettling dynamics of my past encounters with him, one particular incident stands out vividly in my memory. After one of my attempts to break off contact with him, he unexpectedly appeared at my door three months later while delivering food. He knew there are only two restaurants that I order from. I wasn’t aware that he had started working at one of them, and seeing him brought back waves of fear and discomfort. Despite my shock at his sudden appearance, I found myself frozen, unable to react, pretending as if everything was normal. He started crying and asked me why I had ignored and blocked him, further intensifying my feelings of confusion and discomfort. His sudden appearance caught me completely off guard.

I never reported him to the police because I wasn’t sure if it was seen as harassment and sexual assault and was too ashamed because I froze during the assault. When I got myself tested after the assault, I even lied to the doctor about the reason for the test. I also never shared this experience with anyone, and when I tried to talk about it with one of my friends, his response was unsupportive. It made me feel invalidated and silenced, preventing me from opening up about the full extent of what had really happened. My other friend was often too busy and had a tendency to label her friends based on whether or not they were ‘drama-free.’ Feeling unsure of how she would react, I hesitated to confide in her as well. I also considered telling my mom since she knew I went on a date with him when it happened, but I held back. Her tendency to become verbally aggressive and use such information against me left me feeling unable to share the truth with her. During one of the breathwork sessions I did in March, I allowed myself to cry and grieve about the assault and all that happened around it. I felt like I grieved a part of me that died in that awful experience. However, despite this emotional release, I still couldn’t bring myself to talk about it when we were sharing afterwards. Perhaps it was because of shame and fear of being misunderstood. Writing about it here feels somewhat as a relief, and hopefully, in a way, it helps others with similar experiences.

After struggling with the emotional aftermath of the assault and struggling to find support from those around me, I found myself resorting to smoking weed every night before bed as a means to numb my emotions and ignore the reality of what had happened. Understanding this dynamic has provided valuable insight into my own journey. Quitting weed 111 days ago was a significant step for me, and the serendipitous discovery of this timing today fills me with surprise and affirmation, strengthening my resolve to quit and my decision to write about it. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made, and perhaps I wouldn’t have come to this point of realization if I hadn’t. I can now work on forgiving myself and letting go of the self-blame, understanding that freezing during the assault was a common reaction to the overwhelming situation.

Whenever he contacted me, I acted like nothing had happened. It took me over a year and a lot of dark secrets of his that I had found out to break things off for good with him. Looking back, I realize in how much danger I actually was – his brother is arrested and is a first-degree murder suspect, and he himself is suffering from mental issues as a war veteran and has a case against him for rape and assault. When I froze during the assault, it may have saved my life. Things could have gotten so much worse had I resisted. As I continue on my journey of healing, I hold onto the hope that I will never have to cross paths with him or endure his presence again.

Reflecting on the complexities of trauma, upbringing, and conditioning, and their profound impact on our behavior, I am reminded of the interconnectedness of these past experiences. It’s through understanding and acknowledging these layers of past traumas and conditioning that we can begin to unravel their effects on our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. By looking into the root causes and patterns that have shaped our responses, we gain insight into the ways in which past experiences continue to influence our present lives. This process the foundation for healing and growth, empowering us to navigate challenges with resilience and compassion for ourselves and others.

#personal #my writing #self reflection #healing #trauma #stalking #conditioning #shame #safety #breathwork #grief #people pleasing #coping mechanism #defense #fawn response #fight flight freeze fawn #freeze #behavior #emotions #psychology #baby reindeer #netflix #280424 #0424 #290424

[aashiquidreams]

Recinte Modernista de Sant Pau  (Barcelona // Spain)

#angels #art

[aashiquidreams]

The flash of her eyes had been succeeded by a dreamy and melancholy softness;

Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

#emily brontë

[aashiquidreams]

My childhood trauma didn't make me stronger. it made me a people pleaser. it made me forgive way too much. it made me not speak when i'm supposed to. it made me an extreme empath.

#mental health #trauma #people pleasing #fawn response #empath #trauma bonding #trauma response

[aashiquidreams]

“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”

— Neil Gaiman

#neil gaiman #healing

[aashiquidreams]

Margaret Atwood, from The Selected Poems of Margaret Atwood; "The Two Fires,"

#margaret atwood #safety

[aashiquidreams]

people need to understand that once you go through your worst time alone, you really don’t care who stays in your life anymore.

[aashiquidreams]

Fyodor Dostoyevsky // Alanis Morissette

[aashiquidreams]

How your life FEELS is more important than how it LOOKS

[aashiquidreams]

Virginia Woolf, from a diary entry written in October 1920, featured in The Diary of Virginia Woolf: Vol.2, 1920-1924

#virginia woolf #soul

[aashiquidreams]

#florals #roses

[aashiquidreams]

Isn’t it fascinating how certain movies and TV shows, like music, have this unique ability to transport us back to specific moments in our lives? It’s as if they serve as markers, dividing our experiences into a ‘before’ and an ‘after.’ These media pieces become intertwined with our personal history, capturing not just the plot on screen but also the emotions, people, and events of that time in our personal lives. They are like a time machine, evoking powerful nostalgic feelings and reminding us of who we were and the journey we’ve taken, encompassing both the joys and challenges along the way

#personal #my writing #emotions #emotional resonance #time machine #memory #memories #associations #nostalgia #sentiments #triggers #psychology #tv shows #tv series #film #music #270424 #0424

[aashiquidreams]

bee

2024/03/23

#florals #cherry blossom #sakura #spring

[aashiquidreams]

You deserve to be surrounded by people who bring out the soft side of you, not the survival side of you.

[aashiquidreams]

Put a secret in my ask box.

#interaction #secrets #anonymous

[aashiquidreams]

“I am overwhelmed with things I ought to have written about and never found the proper words.”

— Virginia Woolf, Diaries Volume One 1915-1919 (via violentwavesofemotion)

#virginia woolf